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jessicakehoe · 5 years

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All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is com… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.  ”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.  ”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!  ”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.  ”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

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Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

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Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

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Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? You are the life that you accept for yourself. Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “It’s hardly surprising that Jocelyn would suddenly uncover these in the middle of a political campaign. I suppose I just expected more from her.” Stevie: “Okay, there’s a bunch of you with OJ Simpson. And you with Robert Blake.” Moira: “”The top eleven photographs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects.” Well, that’s not what I’m looking for!” Stevie: “Why were you in a paddle boat with Phil Spector?”

Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

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Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

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Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel. No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call.  Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

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Episode 8 A: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.” D: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

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Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

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