#i know this is riddled w typos Welcome To My Twisted Mind

[apolohgy]

.

#an emptiness today ! #i just here everyday and do nothing w my life huh. #and this can’t be imposter syndrome but i haven’t done anything in the first place to warrant feeling like a fraud ahshbsnsnsn #also i’m... trying to lose w****t and today my mom went to the store and before she left she asked me if i wanted a juice (that store has a #juice bar) and i said sure if it’s mango or something. they didn’t have that flower so she brought me a veggie/orange juice combo and i #tasted it and it was fine but i didn’t like it enough to finish so i said no thank you! someone else can drink it #there’s 5 people in our house so finding someone to finish it wouldn’t be a problem #but my older sister asked me if i wanted to switch w her (she had a diff flavor) and i tasted it #still didn’t like it and she was being a little pushy about it and i was like ‘why do you want me to drink this juice so bad’ and she goes #‘bc ma paid for them’ in a kinda defeated tone and i just ... UQWNNNSS!!!!! #i know it wasn’t her intention to ... bring up one of my sore spots about food but bc we were poor our whole lives this is what eating #was like!! not being allowed to leave the table until i finish - getting my plate cleared by an adult before being able to throw it away #being guilted for wasting money and food when we had so little and honestly i get it! my mom did the best she could raising 2 girls alone #but like... it’s taken me 24 years to realize i shouldn’t eat food if i don’t like it? that i’m allowed to not finish food if i’m full? #these are all normal things that i’m just now having to consciously remember when i eat #it’s like having an epiphany every time i realize these are normal things that everybody else does that my ass just clued into in 2020 #i know it’s not my mom or sister’s intention to guilt me that’s shit i have to work out on my own. but damn when does it end 😭 #i feel guilty when i eat or cook in front of my family. i feel guilt when i don’t finish. when does it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #anyways my eyes have tears now. it’s been a bad day. goodnight 😌 #i know this is riddled w typos Welcome To My Twisted Mind #won’t be tagging this as m*** bc i don’t want any memories of this fuckass post!