#i like myself but i dont know what specifically i like

[pokeberry5]

do you have any tips for drawing dynamic poses? i always love the way you draw bodies!!

i know this has been said a million times but the way i draw bodies significantly improved after i started drawing more frequently from reference. if i cant find a reference for a pose on the internet, i'll just use myself or a friend. i spend an unfortunate amount of time just standing in front of my mirror looking at my own joints. pay attention to where your body curves!!

other than that though—honestly my anatomy/pose knowledge is a whack amalgamation of art tips i've accumulated over the years (i miss old school deviantart/tumblr style art tutorials). i also like to look at how artists i admire draw bodies—what details to they include, what anatomical short-hands etc

i think i'm still figuring out how to draw dynamic poses, but here are some cheats i've picked up (under the cut coz this got long again):

gonna use this stray!tim as a base

the easiest way for make up a pose is to start roughly with the head, collarbones, ribcage, and pelvis — you can build everything from there

here's a couple more of what i mean by the ribcage-pelvis deconstruction:

2. push your perspective a little!! imo things look more dynamic if you move your sight-line up or down—the horizontal orange line here. if you look at the panels above, the sight lines tend to be a little low, at around the character's torso or waist. i did the same below with stray!tim

to do this i usually try to get a sense of the space im working in by putting in some sloppy perspective grids

3. S curves!!! exaggerate the lines of the body. the body naturally has parallel horizontal lines—an easy way to get a body to look less rigid is to tilt those horizontal lines which in turn curves the vertical line of the body

this is what a mean by horizontal lines—usually i use the eyes, shoulders, and hips:

i'm gonna use caterina as a better example—usually you want the horizontal lines to sort of zigzag:

i've also picked up a couple visual tricks that don't exactly add dynamism to a pose? but they do give a static pose a little more oomph. a lot of this is done by visually highlighting one specific point of the body

for our purposes, i'm gonna make the focal point tim's face

motion blur! there are a couple ways to do this. i actually dont like working with traditional motion blur because you have to mess around with selections, so i usually fake motion blur using postional perspective blur:

2. gradient lighting—you can add a lot of depth this way. usually i like setting the gradient in the direction of the focal point, e.g. tim's face

below, i added a layer above the base drawing, used an airbrush to get this gradient, and then set the layer to color burn and lowered the opacity. you can also clip the lighting layer to the base drawing and set it to multiply

below, i did the opposite—instead of adding a gradient shadow, i added gradient light. i set the layer to add this time (instead of color burn) and then lowered the opacity again.

this kinda serves to desaturate the parts of the piece that are less important (ish i was kinda sloppy here), driving the eye to face—the most saturated. the motion blur does a similar thing, where the only thing "in focus" is tim's face

the gradient also sort of adds a directionality to the piece—it starts at the bottom right corner and goes up towards the upper left, causing your eye to follow that same path, which drags your gaze up tim's body

here's what it looks like when i combine 1 and 2:

3. chromatic aberration's been pretty popular recently. it does a similar thing as perspective blur but with more eyestrain (although i went with a really exaggerated version below just to show you what it does) but it looks cool!

bonus cryptid tim as a reward for getting to the end :-)

#red talks #sart #art tutorial #YeAH UH this got long lmaooo i was on the bus for a Sec plotting this out so #also i am neck deep in a reincarnation/regression manhwa stress hyperfixation so i havent had the brain space to draw #so you get this instead! #if anyone wants recs lemme know lol #thank you anon :)))

[that-was-a-bit-stupid-of-you]

I don't understand, what's going on with Taylor and Matt trash being a couple? Could you explain to me?

nothing is really going on at the moment tbh, cuz they broke up a pretty long while ago, but the issue is the album (if that's what you're referring to) and taylor swift herself.

[will add sources and more stuff when I find the links and if I realise I missed something out, cuz this is a general thing based off of memory]

Context: dating history

Basically she and matty had been friends for a few years (there are rumors of them hooking up ig in 1989 era maybe, but I don't really care enough to believe shit like that). Apparently he had also been pining for her (according to stuff he said in interviews and tweets) for years, but again, you can still chalk it up to rumors if you wanna.

The thing is that post her breakup with joe alwyn, she started dating him (in like april I think) [there had been dating rumors of them since 2014 tho, and again in March 2023] and the fandom kinda got divided.

Here is the link to their entire timeline

Context: what matty healy did

Matty healy (you prolly know this) is basically racist, sexist, antisemitic, homophobic and God knows what else I have missed out or not been aware of. He did shit like doing the nazi gesture on stage, mocking asian accents, tastelessly making fun of ice spice on her race and bodyshaming her, laughing and basically confirming that he watches violent rape porn of black women on a site that is known to be highly problematic and force their actors (gender neutral) to do things they dont consent to (there was also an actress who was assaulted or something but im not informed on it). Even when he was called out on stuff like this, he accused people (who were poc, btw) of overreacting.

Context: taylor and activism

Taylor had also, in the past (lover era, and miss Americana the doc) had talked about how she had been too quiet about political issues and politics itself for too long, that she understands her influence and power in society, and that she "needs to be on the right side of history" and even specifics such as that she thinks it's spineless to go on stage and say "happy pride month" and not acknowledge the political oppression that queers in USA were facing (something about a bill or the republican party idk man I'm not american, i dont remember but i did research when i watched the doc tho). She has claimed she was gonna be clear about where she stands (many republicans had considered her to be one, and many thought she's conservative or something, but she was always quiet about it, until the lover era). However, she just stopped that activism after the lover era, and went back to being quiet on where she stands (I've seen many swifties refer to the lover era as the activism era) and hasn't spoken about anything substantial really. She did some things like post a black square with 13 hearts during blm, and stuff that every celeb who wasn't openly a pos did, but that's kinda it. Even as a self proclaimed feminist, she didn't speak up on issues such as roe v wade, or about an issue regarding drag queens despite having them in yntcd, or talking about trans/queer rights until she was in a blue state (im not an American, I just like to keep up a little with stuff in usa cuz it's always up in my face sadly, and thus i cant be specific, but anyways, correct me if I'm wrong, or if I missed something).

So even after saying she'll be vocal, she was just... not. And that's basically her on politics or giving a shit about minority communities.

Context: Fandom's reaction

Swifties were extremely disappointed that taylor CHOSE to associate with a man like this, and there were fans calling her out, and she received backlash, too.

Most of these swifties were poc (myself included) and they felt hurt that an artist that they not just supported and developed such a deep connection with, but also financially supported for years, would have such disregard for them. Not just was she dating him, but she kept saying things such as "I have never been happier in all aspects of my life" or saying "I love you" or "uk who you are" in romantic songs on the tour, which was just adding insult to injury. She also did a collab with ice spice (which was completely out of nowhere, and the collab itself seemed badly made and rushed), which fans and others speculated to be a pr cover up for the fact that matty healy had mocked her (many ppl also believed that it was too quick for it to be a pr cover tho).

Now, in the fandom, when poc swifties were calling her out on dating mh, (mostly) white swifties started harassing poc swifties for doing so, or saying that they are hindering with her happiness or some bs about it being "just a fling" (again, myself included). They said it's the same as seeing a friend get out of a long-term relationship and make bad dating choices, and poc swifties should let it go (as if taylor is our close personal friend). In a mostly white fandom, poc swifties felt alienated and sidelined.

Ofc, taylor never addressed any of this backlash, and after she broke up with him, there were articles saying that sources say (which mostly means her pr team atp) that her breakup had nothing to do with his controversies or behavior.

The album release (lyrics, references and reaction)

Now, with the release of ttpd, contrary to what most of the fandom believed, most of the songs on both the albums are believed to be (and heavily hinted on) about matty healy. These include 4 songs- "ttpd", "but daddy I love him", "I can fix him (no really I can)", and "guilty as sin?"

Ttpd, the title track, talks about mh being "a tattooed golden retriever" (wtf) and about him love-bombing her, and her pining after him, thinking about marriage and shit. But daddy I love him and I can fix him, are basically that no one supported her dating decision and she's claiming that she loves him oh so goddamn much, but more importantly, her talking about her fans' reactions. Specifically, describing her poc fans to be "vipers" and "judgemental creeps" who hate her and them being hurt as "bitching and moaning", and basically took the side of the (white) fans who defended her, indirectly. She described his racist bs as "crazy" and said shit like she could "handle a dangerous man." She also has another song, "Guilty as sin?" and while I genuinely don't give a fuck about what she chooses to do in her private life, unless it is problematic, it is about her fantasizing about being with that racist man while being in a long term relationship with joe alwyn. She sings about how she wants him and wants to be with him... in multiple ways, iykyk. Again, out of context, I love this song so much, but that doesn't erase the context, right?

She also has a song "I hate it here" where she says the following lines:

"My friends used to play a game where

We would pick a decade

We wished we could live in instead of this

I'd say the 1830s but without all the racists and getting married off for the highest bid"

And while there are many reasons why this line by itself is racist (romantisization of a time that was extremely shitty to many communities, most of which she is not a part of, showing herself to be "oh look I'm so woke I still remember the bad things even when I romanticize bad eras in history" which is something you expect from an ignorant white high schooler maybe, not a 34 y/o billionaire who claims to be well-read, etc.) but taylor swift herself saying these is adding insult to injury cuz she has shown time and time again she has no problem with racism (she kept quiet when antonia gentry, a black actress, received hate and racist threats by swifties because of a line BY NETFLIX that taylor didn't like, and she shouldn't ofc, but it wasn't the actress' fault), or associating herself with them (matty healy, for example). It is hypocritical to write something like that after writing an album about pining after a man and his "dangerousness," which is just bigotry. Way to romanticise racism, sexism, and antisemitism, taylor.

Even now, after listening to the album, she clearly doesn't like mh anymore, NOT because of his actions, but because he broke her heart, showing that she still enables and is okay with everything he did.

And that's kind of it (ig) about her and matty healy. I'm not really sure exactly which part you wanted to know, so this is just a gist of it all. Hope it helps :)

#taylor swift #matty healy #anti matty healy #the 1975 #joe alwyn #ts ttpd #ttpd era #taylor swift ttpd #ttpd spoilers #ttpd anthology #ttpd analysis #ttpd album #ttpd lyrics #ttpd release #ttpd reaction #ttpd review #ttpd speculation #ttpd tracklist #ttpd the anthology #ttpd taylor swift #ttpd theories #ttpd thoughts #ttpd #the tortured poets department #taylor nation #taylornation #swifties #anti taylor swift #taylor swift critical #asks

[catmask]

okay. say i were to have a hand drawn frame animation. and a background i wanted to animate via tweening. and i wanted to composite that all together into one scene on one program. i already have the assets drawn but i need to put it all together in a very specific what.

What Fucking Program is that because ive been crashing my photoshop trying to do it in there and i KNOW i can make smoother animations than what its tweening feature allows. also it doesnt have timeline layers which is annoying asfuck

#btw i dont need anyone to do this for me i just need to figure out how to do it Myself but i dont know where to do it #like i have a very. specific idea of what i need. i NEED one of those youtube warrior cats animation bitches to HELP ME #i see the work you people do i KNOW what im trying to do is possible #scratchpost

[crescentfool]

having the hc that minato is ace is incredibly funny sometimes when you think about how ryoji is oh so very bi because it's like. "ah. death stole my ability to be attracted to people," in the same way that ryoji stole minato's eye color and energy level. like wow, thanks ryoji, you just keep finding things to steal from minato!

#persona 3 spoilers #minato arisato #hc and au nonsense #lizzy speaks #happy international asexuality day to my fellow aces out there i hope you know that you are loved!!! 🎊🎉🥳 #i like viewing minato with the lens of him being gay / ace. esp bc it stems from my own experiences so it's fun to look at- #him from that perspective even if that's not what was intended by atlus y'know? #and im sure others have other hcs from me that are informed by their own life experiences and i think that's great ^_^ #something that i found interesting while playing FES was how. stilted? minato's animations felt when hugging the girls #you could definitely go with the perspective that it's a graphical limitation or they didn't have time to polish the animations #and that's def true!! but sometimes i see the hug @ yakushima beach + the other hugs and then i compare it to the sou/yo hug in p4 #and there's like... a noticeable difference to me with how intimate and close together the hugs are... #that said i do know that the animations for reload are updated and the hugs are much more natural (good on them tbh!) #the other thing is (pensive sigh). the way you couldn't reject any of the girls when doing their social links in FES #objectively speaking i'm glad that they did away with that and i like how the rejections were handled in reload. it feels naturally written #but also a part of me enjoyed looking at the “hey atlus what the FUCK” moment and thought of how to interpret it differently #specifically with the idea of minato having like.. little to no autonomy and kind of going along with the relationship #it kind of reminded me of myself tbh with like going along with the rship without considering what you want bc #it's what others want or expect out of you... LOL. i dont think atlus intended for someone to interpret it this way but #eh i think that's the fun part of hcs and looking at characters with certain lenses! #regardless of how you perceive minato i do think there's something to be said about him being the kind of guy who molds himself- #into someone that is needed. not wanted. but needed. important distinction here. #the one caveat my brain runs into when im like “minato is ace!” is when i remember thanatos exists and i go #“you know what these ideas can exist simultaneously” GKLHFHDFHD when in doubt schrodinger's headcanons #anyway that's all i've had this thought in my brain in awhile and haven't sat down to share it properly until now 👍 #have an excellent weekend everyone !!! lizzy loves you all lets all nurture our inner yippee!!! 🥺💙

[flamboyant-king]

Hey babes, sorry I've been dead, but I coulda been literally dead if I had not gone.

I didn't hurt myself and we're still figuring things out. I would love to share but I've already forgotten what I've learned. I hope I get more guidance and time for healing and learning on how to lead my life in a better direction than where I was. But that takes time and effort.

I hope to get some rest, get some support, and get it together. But right now, I don't think it's healthy for me to worry about art in the way I do now. I may not express it here, but trying to maintain my art endeavors/projects while there's so much bullshit going on backstage is not helping me. Especially since I'm not even obligated to do so. But trying to force myself to do something I am currently unable to do will just make me feel worse. I'll follow my dreams and passions one day, but I've been putting off the healing process for years.

So I guess it's better to get better now so I can get the ball rolling again. Why drive on a flat tire?

#i was in there for a week and ill continue partial hospitalization for a few weeks #i hope i learn more and i hope i get specific help to my issues. because whay i learned there didnt directly pertain to me #but having structured daily life felt nice. but it wasnt all relaxing because there were still responisibilites on the outside world #tapping on the window or calling me on the phone. chose the best time for a meltdown. i have taxes and credit card bills to take care of #but if i stress about it now ill jsut be going back to the ER and thats no good. the hospital was so cold dude im glad im home with blankets #this is mr octopus again. im glad i broguh hom to work. i went straight to er from work and if i had no plushie with me #i probably would have stayed longer or be even more mentally unstable and distressed. its good to have comfort items #i dont think i want to know ehat if be like without some kind of companion or grounding item with me. i dont want to imagine me without em #its okay to have a little friend with you. i would be so distraught. everyone loved me there #the nurses the patients the residents yhe social workers the students #mr. octopus made them happy because of his big smile and mine too. the people there did not expect the mass amoutns of stress and depression #in this bubbly happy baby witb a happy pink octopus. one of the patients thought it was the meds the happy pills they gave me #no im jsut naturally like this. or artificially like this. i still dont know how to express or understand my feelings #if what im showing is real or not because i know ill be the happiest in the room wherever i go. maybe its a front or a mask #but when im like that kinda hard to know whats really underneath. they always ask me if im okay but i turn to myself #and its nondescript like ive put a blanket over how i really feel. its weird. the bubbly energy is blinding. #words #mr octopus #mental health #doodles

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

trying to imagine what a Welcome Home ending would look like (which is extremely stupid lmao considering we dont know shit about jack yet), and it's just... huh.

i doubt it's going to take the "the puppets are turned into humans and they join the real world" route (and if it does, then cool! that'd be sick as fuck!), so what would a happy ending look like for them? would they get a little sanctuary to live freely in? is there a secret world of living puppets out there somewhere?

what if its a tragic ending? the puppets either are repurposed for a new show, or stripped of their Awareness, or become inanimate objects - normal puppets? what if they just straight up fade away?

or a bittersweet ending? they renew the show in order to stay alive and together, but they're forced to return to their old lives & routines? or it's ambiguous and we don't actually see what happens after a certain point - where the ending for the audience comes before the puppet's real endgame; it's not for us to see/know, they get an unobserved close to the story.

its simultaneously fascinating and distressing to think about.

#i have an inkling its gonna be that last bittersweet one but WHO KNOWS NOT FUCKIN ME!!! #for all we know theres a secret option none of us will ever consider #and then clown'll pull it outta thin air and we'll all be like OHHHHHHH HOLY SHIT!!!! #yknow? yah? #plot twist: wally turns the entire world into puppets #i just!!! i just have thoughts! #thinking about WH ending gives me that specific bittersweet/nostalgia/dread/anticipation emotion combo i still cant name #i have to shake myself by the shoulders and screech You Have Literal Fucking Years Before It Ends. Probably. Shut The Fuck Up And Vibe. #unfortunately my brain is Incapable of shutting up and i have the compulsive need to guess the ending of everything i watch/read/enjoy #welcome home theory #welcome home speculation #honestly thinking about that last option makes me so emotional #bc it is what they deserve. they were constantly Observed and Watched and theyre still being Watched and they deserve peace and freedom #BUT AGAIN WHO KNOWS!!! WE DONT KNOW HOW THIS STORY IS GONNA UNFOLD! #what twists and turns and Developments and Evolutions it'll take #i need to chill. i need to calm down about this project. i need to go camping for a week with not a hint of cell service #i need to be on a train north. please. please-

[funnywizard3000]

Sunbreaker

#trying out something new because i always end up trying to get things 'exactly right' with my art #and ironically that unachievable “goal” ends up squandering my artistic potential for any specific piece 🥲 #so I'm trying to split the difference by letting myself go off model and onto having fun and smiling and grinning and #this was just a doodle that i colored 🫶💖❤️ having fun #destiny the game #destiny 2 #destiny #destiny titan #d2 #my #im happy with the colors but i just slapped them on there and made 80092937 layers with different effects so its like #im scared i dont know what i did but i did good and i smile #YEAH.

[pcktknife]

anyways I want so badly for them to bring back dracs pink heart. oooo u wanna make her bm pink permanently so bad oooooo

#side note gorgeous doll absolutely stunning but the dress. the dresssss #what r they doing back there #the ruffles??? look out of place???? #shes really pretty but the outfit is so bland 😞 #her creepover ones promo looks p cute tho #kae.txt #forgot to mention that the birthmark color change was an affront to me specifically!!!! i took it Very personally #(red formerly heart shaped birthmark haver) #that was my representation *sobs* #which is crazy cause i remember liking her bm but dont know if i actually connected that to myself when i was a kid

[wander-wren]

Are you taking a break from writing? No hate or anything, just wanted to check in 💛

not really! i've just been in, to be frank, a pretty bad place mentally. i haven't written a thing since the last fic i posted, which was....8 days ago? which is super unusual for me, i usually write every day or near to it, i've just been laying around like a salted slug for a few weeks. it sucks. i'm not gonna go into detail but we shall say my life kind of imploded in the back half of december/front half of january and i have yet to start picking up the pieces. which i'm very fortunate to even be able to take that time, of course, but it's still not fun.

butttttttt i do have a doc open right now as i try to bang something out. how well that is going is debatable, seeing as i am also currently on tumblr, but i will do my best. and hopefully if i can make progress today it will unstick some other gears and i can get back into writing and all the rest of it!

thanks for checking in, though <3

#a little birdie asked me #kiyoomisthings #i swear that username sounds familiar from like kudos or comments but i cant immediately place where #so if this is about a specific fic/series! ahhh! #OH SHIT IS THIS ABOUT OLT #shit #on the off chance this is ummmmmm i was still having a really bad time on mon-tues which is when i post. so i. didnt do that #i have literally just dragged myself to my puter for the first time in like two weeks so maybe i'll update it but not now bc i dont want to #get distracted from my writing endeavors #but OLT is also 100% fully written i'm just doing final edits as i go #so thats least in danger of being like abandoned/forgotten #I'm A Professional Trust Me. I Know What I'm Doing. I'm Very Fine And Normal #<333333

[fitzrove]

[gritting teeth] maybe i need to go to mayerling

#i've been avoiding it on purpose but tbh 😭😭😵‍💫😵‍💫 i feel like its a thing ppl brag about and idk. to get a complete picture #i think i figured out how to go there and not get stranded 💀 and i was already planning to go to vienna again this year 🤡 for his house #(hofburg apartment) #i guess i can still act special by not going to möbelmuseum 😂💀 (i want to see the turkish room especially since i did write about rudolf #getting [redacted] on a specific sofa he owned historically 😌😌😌 but i don't want to see the mayerling bed thats weird 😭😭 #idk............) #i feel so weird sometimes..... like there are historical topics where some ppl act like they know best even based on minimal knowledge #and like idk its kind of weird to have an academic degree in this and be COMPLETELY incapable of being normal and chill about it 😵‍💫😵‍💫 #i could never study rudolf stuff seriously - i would [redacted] myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #but um yeah #idk its weird. its so weird #like what do you do when you're deeply invested in something but there are people out there who are just as deeply into it but in your view #fundamentally misunderstand it 😭😭😂😂😂😂 #ugjgkhkhkgkgkhkhkhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #you know i dont think a huge amount of ppl are looking at his actual letters in the archives. if i'm jobless i could fund my life with #rudolf themed drag performances and spend the rest of my time selectively reading his writings and digging up minuscule stray things as #'evidence' that he was irl bisexual. would be funny 💀💀💀 then i'd write an article and use lots of Postmodernist Deconstructionism words #to confuse people and get it into a real academic journal 🤣🤣🤣🤣 #lots of talentless hacks have written rudolf books why not me KFKLFOLRÖAÖGODÖGKGK #delete later. god sometimes i wish i was a normal person whose hobbies were like. instagram and gym

[soldier-poet-king]

Well bit the bullet and forewarned my parents about the tattoo appt so I don't just show up one day with it, but took the cowards way out and did it while they're out of town and won't be back til Friday so I don't have to face the ire as my mother cools down

#franposting #my nonna on the other hand. im just. i dont think im gonna say anything at all tbh #it just. is what it is. #maybe putting art i have craved for so long on my body #is a way of learning to inhabit myself. of autonomy. of seeing myself as a person #not just like. a use made for a specific end #yes telos has a place but also maybe my telos isnt just to exist and burn myself up for every other person's whim #out of a sense of a guilt and an apology for my own existence #maybe. idk. maybe the duty and martyrs complex is right tho #idk. idk. been thinking a lot about family lately and how everything mostly just hurts. #the good days are just. neutral. theyre good by virtue of not being actively bad #but im realizing i genuinely dont know how to care for people or relate to people properly and its just. well. hm. #that sure is a thing im gonna have to live with for the rest of my life #i feel odd and unsettled and offputting even to myself. alas. #honestly work being unfulfilling and boring is part of the problem #without concrete clear and interesting goals and tasks i lose direction and fall apart #i need to be focused on things and tasks or else I'll die. or navel gaze my way into solipsism

[shoezuki]

This next chapter of my doctor fic is jusm its Not Doing It. Like i wanan write i wanna write so bad but theres a Block yknow. Like thos ch is sposed to be short n i dont technically have much left of it but i cant write it. Idk what the fuck is up like.

Its where sampo finally takes gepard back to belobog because he realizes gepard is going to die id he doesnt. N so he makes a sort of sled out of things he's found in the abdandoned houses nearby n literally drags gepard all back while he's injured himself n like. The cumulation of sampo learning to not be selfish and realizing just how much he cares for gepard to the point of causing himself irreparable damage. And its GOOD i love it and im excited for the second part of the fic after this n cant wait to write that

But i jus. Am so stuck w it. Idk what it is but i feel like im missing something or its jus not good

#negativity #???? #idk its. i dont know what my hangup is #well somewhati do theres a few loose ends im trying to pull together #specifically i wanted sampo to try n bring back gepards broken shield but idk how he could n i am stuck on that?? #i feel like i have loose ends that will be left out there yknow like. things ive forgotten or ive written myself #into a way i cant pull it back togethet #i think i jus need to . write.

[ankhisms]

can i be emotionally vulnerable with you all in the torture dungeon

#anyway. keep feeling weird in a specific way but not really wanting to talk about it with anyone but also not talking about it makes it #feel like its crawling under my skin. and its not necessarily a bad feeling i just have a fucked up traumatized brain that makes #feeling things weird in general. i feel things so strongly or else im numb and outside my body and often struggle #with being super aware of myself because of this. where its also like im in survival mode constantly know and it can be easy #for me to go numb and not feel things or else be just going into panic panic panic hell freakout but beyond that it can be very hard #for me to identify feelings and such and having sat with this feeling its like. ok i think ive identified this but it feels #weird for me and i dont know what to do with this. should i do anything with this. probably not. and that carries its own #various baggage and relation to other issues im realizing i said i was going to be vulnerable but now i am just being very #vague about everything im saying. as you can tell i have problems and am noy good at being vulnerable #tldr feelings are weird. ive been feeling weird lately in specific ways that i dont know how to deal with but its not really bad but does #relate to certain issues i have with myself but idk really what to do besides just feeling it and letting it pass #but sometimrs iy has made me want to bang my head against a wall

[hella1975]

sometimes i think about the fact my grandparents literally overnight just cut us off and im like. how did u even do that. does it torment you

#eeaao's 'how did you let me go so easily' moment. like i dont let myself even THINK about this too often #bc i immediately beat myself back with the 'if it's hard for you then imagine how hard it is for mum. her PARENTS cut her off' #but like. idk. my nan i couldn't give less of a shit about which is something i always find so interesting #bc even as a child with NO basis for it or any understanding of her behaviour both past and present i still wasn't Comfortable around her #like children are smart actually. i just Knew her vibes were off and i Knew my mum was weird when she was around #like i truly dont think i ever loved my nan even when she was a very frequent part of my life #but my grandad? i ADORED him. id see him multiple times a week and he's the kindest man ive ever met #and hannah what i told you about my mum saying certain people have magnetic auras THAT WAS ABOUT HIM #like i cant actually put into words what it was about him but people just wanted to know him and spend time with him #but he was weak and let my nan walk all over him and when push came to shove he chose her and now ive not spoken to him in 3 years #& i KNOW he loved me. he thought the world of me like it's a bitter unspoken thing between me & my sister that we KNOW i was his favourite #he used to buy me egg butties at agricultural shows when my mum said no and specifically ask for two eggs #he used to sit and eat his soup with me when he came over to do work at the house #he used to play with me. he used to smile all the time. i can so clearly hear the way he'd go ''iya [my name]' with his proper rural accent #or how he'd tell anyone who would listen 'she's tough as old boots that one' #and i could make him laugh like NO ONE else could and he'd light up and go 'give over' and he genuinely enjoyed my company #i KNOW HE DID. and i havent spoken to him in 3 years. he'll be dead soon #and i cant talk to my mum about it bc it's her DAD it is so much worse for her and i cant talk to my sister about it #bc she wasn't close with him like i was and she just shuts the conversation down and those are the only two people #who know my grandad and know what he meant to me so im just here like. he literally stopped speaking to me overnight #i stopped hearing from him i stopped meeting up with him im so so angry with him the love is still there i dont know where to put it now #why couldnt he stay. why did he pick her when she's a loveless void of inhumanity. why werent we enough #hella goes home #my grandparents on my dad's side are also not in the picture funnily enough but idgaf about them. she got that grandparentless swag

[presiding]

just saw that there's a monster in the hull update and realized i'd missed three of those........this + the audio are such treats giggling and kicking my feet about it fr. going to leave a comment on the fic itself but in the meantime needed to drop a letter on here to say i love the way you write billie--her loneliness, her thoughtfulness, distrust of yet attraction to emily and everything she represents........not to mention the way she's haunted by daud, the longing for a life she can't fathom and will never have !!! society if everyone gave billie the complexity she deserves. and your banter and prose are stunning as always lord everything abt this fic is so good. bringing wine to you on the deck to drink together about it in spirit and yes pun intended

🙏😭 thank you so so much I don't know what to say! that's amazingly kind of you ♥ its a genuine pleasure to like. double down on themes and nuance and less popular characters and just like. idk. trustfall into the fandom that there's people with taste like you, and you can invite them onto your metaphorical deck for wine and meaningful looks 🍷♥♥♥

re: billie - no one else in the dh universe comes close to whatever she has going on

hiding my thoughts about writing dh2 billie >

there's so much material to her!

i thought i'd never write for dishonored 2 (not derogatory - its my favourite game). its undoubtedly linear & doesn't have the mystery or grit of dh1 IMO.

but i saw lapin post that billie & emily comic, and i saw a few other people i respect mention billie/emily and it had me rotating them until the abjection/emily-monster thing clicked and then it was downhill from there

but there's more to think about - what billie has been doing with herself, how she feels about daud & the whalers at this point in her life, her relationship with sokolov (god.a separate rant), her history in karnaca & dunwall, emily's place in the empire and how that fits into billie's story, her lifelong revenge arc, and comparisons between jessamine & deirdre.

like. when you consider billie's perspective you realise how fucking badass she is for going back to dunwall. she not only did it scared she did it scared for her life. suicidal level flimsy disguise trapped in a tin can with your enemy. etc

PLEASE tell me if you ever decide to post that daud & billie fic you mentioned a while back :O

#asks #corpseprince my beloved <333 #thinkin bout your one-day fic. daud and billie are SO difficult to write #not simply father daughter but like. the suicide pact vibes they have and the all consuming nature of dauds bonds #and there's a strong running tension between them #not to mention neither being the type for feelings #the more 'dishonored fandom friendly' fics im working on i've deprioritised recently #yuri on the way <3 there was a deficit anyway! #mostly excited for brigmore smut #if i may bitch on your lovely post (sorry). if you cbf with that stop reading here #idk. it keeps happening #so i post a chapter. maybe get 2 kudos that week #which is nice and i smile every time im stoked to see readers around #but then one or two days later some unpleasant fucko on tumblr has taken one of the ideas i put in the new chapter of my fic #and turned that into a low quality textpost like it was their idea. it gets a heap of notes #and its always a *highly specific* idea after i posted it. and i know what the fandom is talking about broadly so it sticks out #i dont mind at all when its like mutuals or people who have commented or talked to me then its more like 🤝 #like. someone who doesnt appear to have ever interacted with me or the fic #im not trying to flatter myself by saying theres no chance its a coincidence. but its offputting as hell #backhanded signal of success? bestie thats my meta post but you made it worse <3 #so my focus rn is niche-r stuff for smart cool people with taste #THE RAMBLING. *tops up your wineglass if you made it this far*

[sotogalmo]

11:33

Woke up a few minutes ago. Was a bit confused on why my Google was on Sonic The Fighters wiki. But then like. Remembered about my sonic.exe OC: Tachyglossidae.(exe).

And all.

#time diary(?) #audrey/kellie's time diary #letting the brain talk #Tachyglossidae.(exe) #i just. rlly want to being something new to the table of EXEs. yk? and well since by. design wise Tachyglossidae is very very different from #most EXEs.. and by i said “disguise”s like. 3-4 times? when having like. just simple drawings of her- #but the most different it can be is just by the fact that im using Sonic The Fighters game as a base for her whole deal #and stuff. but i really like on how Lord X Guardians are yk? gaurdians of specific-ish things. Ken'o being Disgust ; Kofuku's Joy #and tbh my favorite one: Yokubo is desire. also Zetsubo just being his name: Despair. is just. so cool #like. Lord X is not alone. there are others with him. and rhey are all like. guardians of action(Kito: prayer) and feelings(Yokubo/Gekido/ #Zetsubo/Kofuku/Ken'o/Kyofu). and i just. OUGG. thats just so good. having a Lord and then. guardians? thats so good #and well. it kinda just made me think of how im making Tachyglossidae.(exe). yk? I have too many versions of her #that at this point they could also be like the guardians! — but ofc they are just going to be different levels of anger #thats her main thing and kinda. basically why i made her tbh. i was having anger in my mind just so i can get that out of the way #since. she kinda is just gonna be my own manifestations of my own rage/wrath. — but then i have to like. add in #but i still dont rlly know just WHAT exactly i have to do with her to make her very. appealing to others. without saying #that shes my manifastations of.my own feelings. because tbh. i just almost always very lightly project myself onto characters #and just. yeah. but like. i dunno whats NEW and INTERESTING that i can do with her without making her. just a rage filled #being for a reason. we already have that. in like. so many EXE OCs... and mine is just gonna be another one..but OUGH