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otome-crow · 2 years

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How Aspec is Mankai?

This is just a list of A3 characters I feel may be on the asexual or aromantic spectrum. As an aroace myself, I always wind up looking for myself in characters. With the A3 boys, there’s very little that’s canon (that I’ve seen) about their sexualities. Some of the older boys flirt with Izumi, Sakyo canonically has a thing for her, and Yuki once mentioned that he’s into girls. That’s literally all I can remember.

Because it’s a joseimuke game, the emphasis isn’t on their love lives or sexual interests, so there’s a LOT of wiggle room for headcanons. Obviously, I’m pro-everyone’s headcanons and I love reading all of them :) Frankly, I don’t even HC what I’m writing all of the time; it’s just a sense I get. A lot of characters are here, not because I think Mankai is some kind of aspec sanctuary (although, let’s be honest, a dorm of 24 hot guys and not one of them has a partner in 3 years??? c’mon), but because my HC’s rotate around depending on what scenarios or AUs or whatever I’m playing with. I might see a character as ace one day, and the next time I play with them, I see something else. The glory of interpretation and media :)

I’m also chucking in my basic assumption on the rest of them. I’m dealing only in sexuality, not gender. I also wind up bringing a lot of my personal bias and experience into this, since I’m a sex-repulsed aroace myself. I know a lot of people don’t have these same experiences, so I want to make them clear.

Spring Troupe, IMHO, is like 65% aspec.

Sakuya: Ace, possibly/probably aro.

He’s so absolutely devoted to the guys that he seems way more into “bromance” than anything else.

I know a bunch of that is the fact that he never had a family and he just gloms onto these guys who become his family, but it’s like there’s no room in his life for anything else. He puts ALL of his energy into the platonic relationships around him and seems to have absolutely no interest in romance or other people (in a relationship way).

He’s one of the only (18+) guys who doesn’t flirt or blush around Izumi AT ALL. Even Tsuzuru (who’s next on my list) flirts, and even Juza gets flustered around her sometimes.

My guess is that because he’s so young, and so wrapped up in theatre and the guys in Mankai, he’s not even thinking about looking for a partner - in fact, he’s probably not even realizing that he’s not looking! The fact that none of the other guys have partners helps isolate him from realizing this.

Whether or not he’s aro, I do definitely see him seeking out a long-term partner (either romantic or QPR) someday - probably as he settles into himself a bit more and sees the other guys start to move into romantic relationships of their own.

I figure that if his partner was allo, he’d be a very sex-positive ace and would absolutely enjoy sex and enjoy pleasing his partner, but without a partner (or with a sex-repulsed partner), I doubt he’d give it much of a thought. (For the record, I do not have a steady HC for him about this - this one’s more theory than belief.)

Tsuzuru: Demiace. Definitely not aro.

This is 100% because of the way he evolved when I created an OC for him and dreamed up a huge story that’ll never get written down because it’s too complicated.

Thing is, like Sakuya, Tsuzuru seems absolutely clueless about romantic relationships.

I feel like it would take him a long time to realize that he didn’t seem to be “progressing” the way a lot of other guys his age were when it came to the physical side of relationships - because he hadn’t ever really had a relationship.

Like, he wouldn’t even notice that most people his age have had girlfriends or boyfriends and have had SOME kind of sexual experiences - and if they haven’t had them, they’ve thought about them.

If he bothered to think about it, he’d just decide he was too **busy** to think about it because it’s not a priority compared to working 16 part time jobs to help your family.

When he finally does get into a romantic/sexual relationship, he’s really surprised at how STRONG some of these feelings are but doesn’t really wonder about why he’s never felt it for anyone else.

(Y’know, for a guy who writes about people and relationships, he doesn’t realize how much he doesn’t know - or since he writes about platonic stuff 95% of the time, maybe he does?)

But then he realizes that his partner has some of those feelings for, like, random hot people they see on the street. Not judgey about it with them, just a little weirded out. Is way more okay with it once someone (probably the partner) helps him figure out the whole “demiace” thing.

(I 100% HC him as demi. Like, this is a standing HC that I don’t see changing for me.)

Itaru: Possibly aroace.

He could also just be lazy about other people and more into his games than anything else, or just have a low sex drive, or be ignoring it all because of his Trust Trauma.

But the fact that we see him charming the shit out of everyone around him with the Popular Prince Persona, and we hear about all the girls that like him at his job, but he only seems annoyed by them…..

If he were screwing around at his job, Chikage would have said something by now.

(Granted, this is a mostly-clean game, so WE wouldn’t hear about it - but he’d probably mention SOMETHING, like Itaru taking out one of the secretaries for a date or something. Right? Just to rub Itaru’s nose in how much he knows about him?)

(Like some of his very early backstage stories talk about the girls at work pestering him and maybe he should give one of them the time of day…but it‘s played like a joke. And later stories abandon that completely.)

So he’s not getting sex there, and he’s not going out on dates that Mankai is aware of.

BUT. He also flirts a lot with Izumi and I definitely kinda ship them in canon (and I also have an OC for him and their relationship is sexual), so….I have no real HC for Itaru, but he does sometimes give off ace vibes.

I think he might want a relationship one day, but he’s like 26 and has NEVER mentioned a former relationship. (Granted, he’s got trauma about trusting people, so that could easily play into it.) The flirting with Izumi could just be habit, part of the Prince persona….

I don’t know, he’s confusing.

Chikage: Sex-repulsed aroace.

Now, to be fair, I don’t have a great grasp of his character.

But I DO get that he’s very, very uncomfortable with women.

He could just be gay - that’s fine!

But a lot of his standoffishness, that most ppl relate to him being a spy, reminds me of me and how I relate to the world.

Like 90+% of the world is experiencing all this stuff, and exchanging energy and understandings, and I have NO IDEA WHAT THEY’RE ON.

It keeps me from wanting to connect to people, just in case. Like, I’m often nervous about being too chatty or too friendly because I don’t know if someone’s going to see me as flirting.

I dunno, maybe I just feel disconnected from people in a way that seems familiar in Chikage’s character.

But the fact that he can only be comfortable with Izumi when he stops seeing her as a woman - ie, she is now a non-sexual being to him - just hits me close to home.

He seems to want a family more than anything else. I know there’s a lot of April/August/December poly stuff out there, and cool :) To me, it seems like the emotional connection was most important to him.

(As for the others - I see Masumi as pan. He wants someone to love, someone to love him back. I don’t think gender factors into it. TBH, Citron is a complete mystery to me. I definitely think he’s into girls - he’s a MAJOR flirt! - but whether he’s also into guys or is pan or just straight, I don’t freaking know. But he’s definitely DTF.)

Summer Troupe is a little young, but here we go. Only one :)

Muku: Somewhere on the ace spectrum. Possibly aro (hear me out).

It’s the reliance on fictional media to fulfill something that’s uncomfortable in the real world.

That’s something I do, too, and it’s a really common occurrence for aces.

All of his romance is fictional.

We know that girls like him, but he doesn’t seem to realize they exist - yet he still wants to be someone’s prince!

To get your “crushes” only on fictional characters (or in your imagination) without realizing it, because you will never be required to DO anything to/with them.

To take all your cues on romance from fiction because RL romance is uncomfortable, makes no sense, or both.

Like, all of the allos I know had crushes on real life people. If you asked them to put together a list of people they wanted to sleep with - or even just kiss! - that list would include a mix of fictional people, celebrities, and people they know in real life.

The funny thing is, because he’s SO obsessed with fictional romance, I think most people wouldn’t see him as aro. But I’m aro and I’m 100% obsessed with fictional romance lol.

I have romantic OCs for most of the characters I like in fiction, I read romance novels, I play otome games religiously.

But I don’t want any of that in real life.

It’s possible Muku is the same.

Muku is 100% obsessed with fiction, and doesn’t seem to even SEE that girls are around him or like him.

However, BECAUSE of his fascination with being someone’s prince one day, I’m hesitant to truly HC him as 100% anything.

He may simply be oblivious and daydreamy and a late bloomer.

If he IS on the ace spectrum, he’d probably be like Sakuya or Tsuzuru (you know, when he’s NOT A MINOR) - possibly Demi and/or very sex-positive and into pleasing his partner.

If he is aro, he still wants a QPR with a lifetime partner. He still wants to be someone’s prince.

(Yeah, everyone else in Summer Troupe is gay or bi. Sorry, but I don't make the rules.)

Banri: I see Banri as Aro, but not Ace.

To be honest, I don’t know why.

It’s just the vibe I get from him.

Like he doesn’t need or want anyone but himself.

Currently, probably because he’s still young, he’d be way more into FWB or casual dating, but probably not too much into random hookups.

Too much trouble, too much dancing around and getting drinks.

Just text a FWB, meet up, do the do, go home.

Or go out with his casual date partner, see a concert or play, go to the arcade, grab a bite to eat, whatever, THEN do the do and go home.

*shrugs*

Take it up with the manager.

May wind up with a partner, may not.

I don’t see it bothering him if he’s alone, he’s perfectly content in his own company.

He’s found something he’s passionate about that takes up his time and pushes him to do better; that could easily be enough for him.

Even if he does find someone that he loves enough to want to commit to, I can’t see him being **in love** in the way most other people are.

Azami: Sex-repulsed aroace.

Technically, there's a lot of reasons I feel this, but also a lot of reasons why this is a hesitant HC.

Is too young for me to truly want to HC him, but that desperate aversion to witnessing or being a part of physical affection is VERY sex-repulsed ace.

I will literally fast forward through sex scenes in movies, skip the pages in books, whatever.

Sometimes I’m cool with sexual contact in media (hello fanfic), but I’m always uncomfortable with it in real life.

Now, for Azami, this could also be his age combined with a restrictive upbringing.

But the thing that always makes me pause about Azami is that he seems to equate ALL physical touch to sexual touch.

“No sex til marriage” makes sense, but no hand-holding?

That only seems to make sense if you’re making hand-holding a sexual thing, or ALWAYS a step on the ladder TOWARDS sexual things.

Like, 3-year-olds hold hands. Obviously that’s not sexual.

But the moment it’s between two people of sexable age, he freaks out.

And, as someone who is a sex-repulsed ace, I always got really confused about physical affection when I was dating (before I knew this about myself).

Is my boyfriend holding my hand just being sweet? Is his kiss on the cheek just that? If we cuddle, is that physical contact permission for his hands to start wandering?

Every single act of physical affection became a (potential) gateway to sexual actions because I couldn’t understand or sense the difference.

There WAS no difference to me. The “vibes” that indicate the difference to allos is missing in me.

Sometimes a kiss was just a kiss, sometimes it was more, and I flat-out couldn’t understand intention through the subtlety of just physical touch.

Everything is the same to me, so EVERYTHING is potentially sexual. And therefore, every form of physical touch became a danger zone.

It seems to me that the same thing is true for Azami - literally every physical interaction is a sexual interaction, because he can’t ever see that it’s NOT.

So while I don’t HC Azami as ace necessarily (only he can say that, and his behavior is confusing), I wouldn’t be surprised if he was.

As for aro or not, I have no idea, because I think the desperate desire to avoid physical affection is clouding the issue.

(I figure Juza as pan, Taichi thinks he’s straight until he realizes he’s in love with Yuki, Omi as bi, and Sakyo is the straightest straight guy who ever lived.)

Azuma: Ace, not aro.

The opposite of Azami.

All touch is non-sexual touch.

All flirting is non-sexual flirting.

Both of these things wind up being masking behaviors.

Like Itaru, Azuma seems to have people buzzing around him regularly.

If he wanted a sexual relationship, I feel like he'd have one. Pretty easily.

He jokes about things, but it seems more like everyone assumes things about him and his relationships and he just . . . lets them.

He even goads them on a little bit, but it all seems really jokey. Not serious at all.

While we have the word “asexual” going back to the early 70’s (and probably further), it wasn’t a really common LGBT+ word until, I’d say, the mid-to-late 2000s.

While Azuma’s age is unknown, we know he’s older than Sakyo, so that would probably put him around 35 IMO.

That means he was coming of age in the 90s and early 2000s. He was also, very heavily, a loner.

He had no adults in his life to guide him, no one to confide in.

What are the odds he would come across that word in his teens and early 20s?

All he knows is that he’s different, maybe even broken.

All these things he’s supposed to be feeling, especially since he makes his living via close physical contact, are missing.

Might blame his trauma.

So he flirts heavily but keeps his distance, to mask the actual lack of attraction he feels.

He lets people believe what they want about his former profession, but it’s probably one reason he was so popular as a cuddler…all the women felt safe even if they didn’t know that was the reason.

I’m guessing he’s sex-neutral - sex is a take-it-or-leave-it thing to him, and he’s mostly had one-night stands, and almost entirely to avoid spending the night alone rather than for the sex itself.

By the time someone (possibly Tsuzuru, as he figures it out about himself) brings the concept to him, it’s a shock to him that asexuality is just…a sexuality like any other.

He’s not broken.

I think he would still want a partner (he doesn’t want to be alone!), but whether that was one all-consuming love, or a polycule, I don’t really know.

I just know he wants love and romance in his life.

(I do not HC this all of the time - for some reason, canon Azuma gives me ace vibes, but my personal fanon Azuma doesn’t. Given that I’m about the same age as Azuma, I might be projecting my own history and trauma about feeling broken onto him.)

Guy: now, I refuse to HC Guy as ace, but he needs his own space here anyway because I have An Issue. (To be fair, I have not seen ANYONE in the A3 fandom do this to Guy!!!! But I feel like it needs to be said anyway.)

He, like some of the others, shows absolutely no interest in romance or sex.

BUT.

He’s repressed pretty much everything in order to survive his trauma growing up.

He made himself into an android - an android would be both asexual and aromantic.

I think he’s still healing from that and, at some point, will have to address his own sexuality.

Because I don't think even he knows what his sexuality is.

He may wind up being ace, but even if he is, that ace-ness needs to be separate from the whole android thing.

There’s so much that’s problematic about taking someone who thought they were a robot and diving right into “hur hur not wanting sex makes you a robot!”

It’s a false equivalency and it’s potentially damaging to the ace community, so I’m not having it here.

I think Guy’s history is really really sad, and I think the fact that he probably has no idea what his sexual/romantic orientation is is also really really sad.

HCing him as ace would feel (TO ME) damaging and disrespectful to the character.

I have NO doubt there’s aces out there who relate to him or like him because of the ace vibes and that’s peachy :)

He becomes a comfort character at that point.

However, the immediate jump society makes to “hur hur robot” or “hur hur plant” or any of the “you don’t like sex? you must not be human!” jokes?

Kinda done with it.

I’m saying what I want to say very badly, so I hope I’m not offending anyone here.

(As for the rest - Tsumugi is bi, Tasuku is definitely gay af, Hisoka is pan, and I can’t help but see Homare as straight for some reason (I KNOW I’m in the major minority here!) - but panromantic and with a low libido/mild touch aversion. Like I could see him and Azuma in a sexless romantic relationship or part of fuyupoly. Totally happy with the romance/family, not inclined to care about not having sex.)

And there we have it!

@moonstruck-writing seemed really enthused about this, so - tag!

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vesper-of-roses · 8 months

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Been thinking a lot about my romantic and sexual attractions and I honestly I don't even know if I'm just ace or if I'm aroace as well

I've been in romantic relationships before, but they were highly sexless. I enjoyed the physical intimacy, the cuddling, kissing, etc., and I have felt genuine romantic love. But being asexual, there is often pressure for me to perform that sexual aspect that I simply don't desire to act upon, even in cases where my partner understands I don't want it and doesn't expect me to do it.

I've also been in vaguely homoerotic QPRs with straight men, and I've also demonstrated that, given the choice, I will choose the QPR over the romantic partner. The reasoning, I think, is that I enjoy the closeness and domesticity of just being "really good roommates" but feel no pressure to develop sexual attraction, and tbh to me it seems like a fair tradeoff for no romance either.

And a lot of straight men, or at least the ones I have entered into such relationships with, tend to be so starved for male affection and intimacy that they welcome the opportunity to have a best friend they share a deep, affectionate love with. And I adore that intimacy and love as well, more than anything, I find. I realize now the only time I've ever been in a romantic relationship was when I wasn't living with a straight best friend, almost like the QPR fulfilled all of my basic needs to the point where I found romance unnecessary.

Maybe the QPR seems like a "safer" option because I don't have to be visibly queer and never have to grapple with the pressures to be sexually involved with the partner, or maybe there is a part of me that is aroace and just doesn't want to tangle with such emotions if I can avoid it. But right now, being "the gay guy who is suspiciously close with his straight best friend but is also on good terms with his girlfriend and there's a vaguely homoerotic and possibly polyamorous mechanic going on that nobody wants to label or define" is basically my ideal situation?

I dunno if that makes me aroace or if I just prefer platonic relationships over romantic ones or what

#asexual #aroace #aromanticism #asexuality #ace #lgbtq+#gay #advice welcome #help #qpr #straight best friend

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opinated-user · 2 years

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Regarding the "queerplatonic" related criticism you made, an important goal many in our community had when creating terms like these was to reject the norm that certain relationship types were always more important than others. Defending queerplatonic relationships by saying they're closer than "mere best friends" is missing the point. It exists to help aro/ace spec people describe their needs and experiences, not to establish a relationship hierarchy. Your arguments can be offensive to those hurt by amatonormativity.

that wasn't my argument though. my point wasn't that they were closer or better, but rather that people very often try to reduce queerplatonic relationships to be "just" friends (with the implication that is less important) and how LO deciding that they can only be friends or girlfriend, no other option, was reductive and inaccurate. my exact words were:

"if two aromantic people have a deeply intimate, emotionally fulfilling and affectionate queerplatonic relationship, LO can't suddenly go there and say that they're either friends or girlfriends with no other choice. they're neither because they don't fit into what society expects relationships to be like, that's the point of creating their own words.

if i failed to convey that thought properly i apoligize. however, of course every person is going to define their own relationship on their terms according to their own needs, but the way i always saw on the community define this term was to talk about a level of commitment that was outside of what was expected normally from friendships without many of the element that make a romantic relationship. neither of them but still important. a lot of aro/ace people do consider their queerplatonic partner to be distinctively different than other relationships they might engage with because those are the people that might decided to do a life plan with (marriage, raising children, etc), while other might not do a difference at all because they don't plan any of those things on their life or might not want a QPR at all and instead prefer to have long lasting friendships. either experience is entirely valid on their own and don't negate each other. another concept that thrives on lack of a hierarchy for a relationship is also anarchy relationship, which i have seen many aromantic people say does not describe what they desire for themselves necesarily.

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thedreadvampy · 3 years

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ok look please understand that it is absolutely normal to want to live with your best friends, have casual sex with your friends, raise kids with your friends, and keep your friends as the most important people in your life.

whether it's a qpr or not, that's normal and it's healthy.

I think people are often encouraged to think that the historical, traditional expectation is to put your partner before your friends but that isn't...really true? men have very rarely been expected to have a stronger social connection with their partners than their friends, and the only reason women have been expected to centre romantic relationships is because they've historically been socially and financially dependent on making and maintaining a strong relationship.

that isn't to say that your partner shouldn't be as important as your friends. after all, at least in my social setting, relationships aren't a primarily financial and political arrangement - hopefully you are with your partner because they're a good friend to you as well as a partner.

like it's cheesy to say but Sam and Kofi are some of my best friends and that's a big part of our relationship. but like. they aren't the only friends I'm that close to. I'm differently close to, say, my friends Alex and Jake (who I think are probably the most important people in my life), or my friend Joe (who I've lived with in a mutually supportive way for 5 years), or my friend Courtney (who I hook up with regularly and love dearly) or my friend Lesedi (who I have very seriously considered co-parenting a child with) but I'm not less close to them.

and this isn't a Weird Me Thing either. like:

probably about half the people I know have housemates who they've lived with, moved house with multiple times, and who are as intimately involved with their lives as their romantic partners, often more

where I grew up and most places I've been, most people have "aunties" - your mum's best friends who stepped in to help with the kids and who are part of the family. I myself traveled down half the country regularly to help support a friend who was a lone parent while his son was little, from looking after a baby for days at a time to helping him look for daycares and booking doctors appointments, and that's super normal - when I and most of my friends were kids we were all used to spending up to 1/3 of our week at a parent's best friend's house. that's literally a big chunk of the role godparents play in many people's lives too. it takes a village to raise a child and formally or informally most cultures expect that the parents' close friends will chip in and love and care for the child.

Most adults I know have at least one friend who they carve out at least a few hours a week to spend time with - go to the cinema, go for a coffee, cook dinner, catch up and vent and offer emotional support.

Friends with benefits? totally a really thing whatever people tell you, it doesn't have to be emotionally romantic and often actively feels weird to be

It's normal to grieve when a friendship ends and it often affects people as deeply or more deeply than a relationship ending

like, this isn't to say that a lot of media messaging posits this sort of stuff as immature/less important (and for men, the dreaded A Bit Gay) but that messaging actively runs counter to how most people live their lives in the real world, and you know. in a film when someone finds a partner they become the Most Important Thing In Their Lives. in real life most of your friends will agree you're being kind of a jerk if you consistently blow them off in favour of your partner at any age.

and I think the thing that concerns me is the degree to which the idea that you're expected as an adult to choose between romance and maintaining close, meaningful friendships is uncritically absorbed and reflected in how a lot of otherwise very thoughtful people talk about relationships, romance, sex and friendships.

like if your expectation is that having intimate friendships can only happen if you don't have important/lasting romantic/sexual relationships, or that having a relationship means you can't have or want friendships deeper than casual hangouts and occasional Emotion Chats...like, that will harm you.

Not everyone wants or needs romantic/sexual relationships, true, but everyone, regardless of whether they also want that, needs supportive and meaningful and lasting friendships as part of a fully actualised social life. As I say, those needs might be met by some of the same people (I've been in a relationship with Sam for 9 years, but we've been friends since I was 14 and while I can imagine a life where we're not dating or having sex, I genuinely can't bear to imagine a life without his friendship) but emotionally close friendships are still a genuine need.

(plus honestly if the only place you can get emotional closeness is a sexual/romantic partner, that's a very vulnerable place to be in. both for you and for them. It's not good to only have one person you have a serious, close, mutually supportive emotional relationship with - ime most people do best with like 4 or 5 close friends minimum (one or more of whom may or may not be their sexual/romantic/queerplatonic partner)

and this is where I'm dipping a toe into the Spicy (shitty) Discourse, because I don't at a object to the idea of queerplatonic relationships (I don't necessarily understand them, but honestly I haven't understood anything since 1999) it worries me how many people defend the idea of qpps by saying WOULD YOU DO X WITH A FRIEND????

and I understand the defensive impact bc tbh when people say "explain the difference between a queerplatonic partner and a friend" they are very rarely asking in good faith - they've already decided that aro/ace people Just Want To Be Special and that qpps are a Stupid Tumblr Queer Concept.

and it's a shitty question anyway imo because like. I know there's a difference between friends-with-benefits and Girlfriends on an emotional level, or between a friend and a non-sexual romantic relationship. I know there's a difference and most of these people would agree but if you asked me to draw a hard line to define This is Not Romantic and This is Romantic I'd be stumped. it's an emotional reality not a behavioural one so it's not a clearcut concept and it may be different for everyone

B u t

When people respond to this (shitty, bad-faith) question by insisting "friends don't kiss! friends don't live together! friends don't co-raise kids!" they are just flatly Wrong. And it's a really weak argument because of that, because people will just say 'yeah we literally do, a qpp is a normal friendship, qed' and that's. Uh. Based on what's been said that's kind of a reasonable conclusion? because those things are all normal friendship things for a lot of adults.

there are many possible arguments for the term queerplatonic. it's about describing an emotional connection that isn't quite romantic. it's a way of clarifying that your intention is to commit to spending your life with someone. it's a way to define the expectations you have of your relationship. but ultimately it's not your job to justify this to anyone. many people (me included) might not understand exactly what a qpp means to you, but that doesn't mean we have any right to go 'that's meaningless' or talk it down if it isn't hurting anyone

but like. these specific types of defences of qpps (the "qpps are Important Vital Relationships and friends are just People You Don't Mind Spending Time With" attitude) are harmful, both to people not in qpps and to people in qpps

Exceptionalising the idea of having friends you love like family, who are the most important people in your life, who you might choose to live with or share your life with or be the person you'd trust with your children/your wellbeing/your health? That's dangerous!

and it takes us no closer to adequately valuing close friendships to say "close friendships are what QPPs are and they're a direct replacement for romantic/sexual partnerships". we can have both, and we should feel able have both. not necessarily both a qpp and a relationship, but both a life partner (sexual/romantic/queerplatonic) and other friends who are intimate parts of our lives and families. That's such a profoundly vital part of being queer particularly but also just of being, and it stresses me that people think that's a Special Kind of Relationship not a normal close friendship.

#ok I'm tagging this because it may or may not be Discourse #ace discourse #but TO BE CLEAR it is NOT my opinion that qprs are Not A Thing #it's just that I'm getting a bit into the ways i think some of the ways people to about them can be problematic #so i just don't want anyone to be caught off guard by that #people to about = people talk about. sorry typo

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cheeseanonioncrisps · 4 years

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Tbh, while some people genuinely are just intentionally obtuse when it comes to aspec terminology, I feel like one of the biggest sources of confusion about the term 'queerplatonic' is the fact that when asked to explain the concept, most aspecs jump straight to trying to explain what the relationships feel like.

Which is not the best idea. First of all, because 'queerplatonic' was literally created to be a word for relationships that are difficult to classify. The relationships that transgress the broundaries between what it is acceptable to do with your friends and crucially what it is acceptable to feel towards your significant other (platonic feelings, rather than romantic ones). That's why the word 'queer' is involved, so fuck yeah they're hard to explain.

I mean, you can't say "it's like a friendship but deeper", because most allos will interpret that as just "best friends". You can't say "I do x, y and z with my qpp but not with my friends" because there are allos who would be fine doing x with their friends and aros who would never do y and z with their qpps (for example, not everybody wants to marry and have kids with their qpp. Much like how not everybody wants to do that with their romantic partner).

It's an intentionally muddy term, because it's meant to describe a lot of different but related concepts.

So I think that a better way to explain it is to stop looking at what the word describes, and instead look at it's function.

'Queerplatonic' is less a specifically defined and distinct form of relationship (like 'friend', 'girlfriend/boyfriend/datemate' or 'spouse') and more a term that aromantic people (mainly, although alloros can also be in qprs, and the term actually originated in the ace community) to legitimise and formalise our relationships.

It's a way to say to people in the community— and to a lesser extent outside of it, though they're less likely to know what you're talking about— that "this person is my person. We have both decided that we're going to spend our lives together in some capacity, and prioritise each other above other relationships, including potentially romantic partners" without the romantic connotations of 'significant other'.

So essentially it's a way for aspec people to say "we're an item" while still clarifying that they're not romantically involved.

#qpps #qpr #queerplatonic #full disclosure: i have never been in one of these yet myself #but i want to one day #aromanticism #asexuality #aspec #queerplatonic relationships #this is literally all it is #a way of formalising our relationships in a society that insists that only romantic relationships can be formal #and people get so. fucking. ANGRY about that

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being-demisexual · 3 years

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Hiii

I hope this is okay to ask as it isn't really about demi but about romantic attraction, please feel free to not answer if you feel that this ask doesn't fit with this blog.

For about a year/ a couple months now I was slowly starting to overthing if I'm aro and it has been giving me so much stress it's honestly ridiculous.

Short story of important things in my life: I never really felt aromantic. Since a small child I liked the stereotypical films about princesses and princes and all that stuff. I had crushes on boys, at least I think so... For me it was being interested in the idea of dating them, to be specific.

Ages 13-16, so middle school here, I was getting aware that I was asexual- though I found this term only at the end of middle school as being a then christian in a largely christian country I honestly was largely unaware that lgbt was even a thing. I still liked the idea of getting a boyfriend, though I was getting aware it will be harder for me to find someone since the whole dont-want-sex thing. I was also largely imagining that if I find a person it will probably be someone I'm already friends with at least to some extent.

Well skip to me now, single for a few months now, after a 2-year relationship with my ex girlfriend and ex best friend... Somehow having a mild existential crisis if I might have not noticed that I'm aromantic, feeling like an impostor. The thing it, my ex changed their identity to demisexual, previously identifying as asexual during our relationship- which is totally fine and I had no issues with that, to be clear. Before she told me though, unconsciously I've been noticing we're a bit different in how we experience attraction and Istarted to fear if I should feel more, if romantic attraction should be a physical feeling and not just "I want to spend my life with them, I like being close and hugging, cuddling, kissing even if for the most part I don't feel anything physical from it." That maybe I don't know myself and I've been accidentally "faking". There was a period of maybe half a year when I did feel a bit more, but it could have been some leftover crazy hormones, I have no idea. I can also be rather reserved in public and so I preferred to save more intimate gestures than hand holding/a hug/ a fast kiss for a private place. Being questioned if I'm aro in the falling out part of the relationship really stung me and clearly didn't help with this issue, even though after some time she apologized, it's still eating away at the back of my brain.

So I'm writing all this to ask you, can you try to describe what romantic attraction is like to you? Do you literally feel something physically or is it more desires to be close to someone and thoughts?

Now that I'm single I'm scared of both never finding anyone again and of finding someone but making them feel unloved with how I express my feelings and messing it up again.

I dug at AVEN for answers too and found people describe romantic attraction both ways and I'm still not at peace with myself somehow, but maybe one more description will at least help with it a bit. I just want some internal peace :,(. I might be a bit desperate to find it.

Thank you for reading all this, and sorry for the long text, I felt like it's necessary to my situation

Hi there! I’ll give answering this my best shot, but probably not in the way you exactly want. I don’t really know what romantic attraction is, but it seems highly variable from person to person. Some people like a lot of PDA, some don’t. Some people find cuddling important, others want to celebrate a lot of little anniversaries (first date, first kiss, etc). I think it really does differ from person to person. I’ve never even been on a single date, let alone developed a romantic attraction to a person.

That being said, I feel like I have the answer for you. Have you, in all your digging on AVEN, heard of the term QPR? It stands for queer platonic relationship. A lot of exclusionists like to paint this as just being friends, but its deeper than that.

See, a lot of aro people desire companionship and commitment but without the dating part. A lot of aro people want someone to give them hugs, hold their hands, or maybe even kiss, but without the expectation of romantic feelings or actions, like going on dates and such. This is where a QPR comes in, which is basically a very committed, platonic partnership. I love my best friend, but I wouldn’t move in with her, adopt a per with her, or put her on my life insurance plan as a beneficiary. Those are all things you do with a spouse or romantic partner, or a QPR. You wouldn’t need to counsel your best friend before taking a new job to see if it’s financially responsible to do so, you wouldn’t need to discuss moving across the country for different opportunities with them, you wouldn’t put them on your health insurance plan. You would with a QPR.

Most human living is designed to be done, at minimum, with two people. Most human living is better done in communities, but I digress. Almost everyone wants companionship and life partners, but they don’t have to be romantic or sexual in nature. It is probably worth seriously considering if a QPR style “relationship” is something you might want. If you don’t care about having sex and don’t have romantic feelings towards anyone, then you might be aromantic asexual - aroace. That absolutely DOES NOT mean that you are doomed to spend the rest of your life alone.

Also, if you don’t think a QPR sounds right for you, or you try it and it doesn’t work out, then you can go through life having friends and connecting with family and being a member of your community without having relationships necessarily. I don’t have any romantic interests right now, and I really don’t need them since I am getting plenty of human connection with friends (both IRL and online) and through family.

To sum up, I don’t know if there really is any consistent definition for how romantic attraction is expressed. Maybe it is physical, to some people it certainly is. Maybe you are aromantic and a QPR is what you need. Maybe you aren’t aro and are just a pretty reserved person who prefers to express romantic feelings outside of physical gestures - like making sure the house is always clean because that’s what your partner likes, and picking up the type of coffee they prefer when you know you’re out. Little things, that might not seem romantic but do convey a lot of love and appreciation and attention to your partner when they all stack up. I’m not sure, and it sounds like you aren’t totally sure either. But that isn’t an inherently bad thing. You can take the time to list out what you think romantic attraction is to you and how you express it. I did that with sexual attraction when I was exploring being demisexual. You don’t have to rush, and you certainly don’t have to panic. There is always time to figure it out, and there is not bad outcome here - just you, being more confident and settled in your identity.

Feel free to reach out (through a dm, if you want) if you want to talk more. I hope this helped!

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rushingsnowy · 7 years

Text

Alright, so since Tumblr went nonresponsive and ate the, like, 1k of impromptu fic I had started working on, sending me into a meltdown, I do not have the spoons to try for actual fic again.

So instead, you get a headcanon. Because I’m still salty about that aphobe. So! Aro/Ace Holster!

Holster is a sex-positive aro/ace. He didn’t know until his senior year at Samwell. He had always enjoyed sex he had with puck bunnies in juniors and then at Samwell because he was a good wingman and wouldn’t fight for guys over the girls they went for but would totally go for “the ugly friend” or whatever the guys decided to call the girl they complained about being in their way. He just never really got it, personally.

(below cut for length)

Anyway, at Samwell it’s a bit different. The guys don’t seem so predatory, though from stories it sounds like a lot of that is Shitty and Jack’s doing. Holster learns a lot of what he did probably didn’t help matters and he’s happy to stop the problematic stuff even if he still ends up winging for Ransom a lot. Anyway, Ransom is still good at wheeling chicks and Holster sleeps with some when they come his way, but he doesn’t really pursue them, himself. When he tries dating, it always ends fast. The girls say he doesn’t really care or he acts more like a friend or a brother. When he tries to do the big romantic gestures, he feels awkward and it tends to flop more often than not. It’s just…how it is. He isn’t particularly bothered by it, though.

Holster thinks he’s bi before he realizes his aro/ace. He gets jealous of March, when things get really serious between her and Ransom in their senior year and he and Ransom are fighting all the time and Ransom starts pulling away. He can’t decide if he’s a really shitty bro getting in the way of Ransom’s happiness or if he likes him as more than a friend because he doesn’t really feel like he wants to have sex or date Ransom, but also he’s never felt particularly strongly about doing either of those with women.

It’s while discussing this with Bitty and Shitty (who was brought into the conversation by Bitty who had forced Holster for a sit-down after a particularly bad row between him and Ransom), that Shitty introduces him to the term asexuality.

Holster looks into it and talks a lot with Shitty and reads a lot of stories and boards and informational articles. They pop up relatable flags for him frequently and any time he finds a wall (such as how he’s had sex with plenty of girls or how he does enjoy sex), he finds things that prove those walls don’t really exist for aces (sexual activity does not directly mirror orientation and sex-positive aces can still have and enjoy sex). He even reads up on aromanticism and finds that this makes a lot of sense, too. He found men and women gorgeous, but that was aesthetic attraction. He didn’t feel the need to date them. Even the girlfriends he did have in his past, he’d never really felt more than he would for a friend, if he’d even felt that much. A lot of times, dating had felt like it was more effort that it was worth, honestly. As Holster reads more, it makes more and more sense, but everything clicks when he reads about queerplatonic partners.

That.

That is what he has been wanting. More involved and intimate than a friend, or even best friends or even the bestest of bros that make up the best D-line in the ECAC, but not in a romantic or sexual way.

With Ransom dating March so seriously, Holster wasn’t sure if this would make things even worse between him and Ransom, which is why he holds off talking about it until after they kiss the ice. When the rest of the team goes to the roof, Holster asks Ransom to stay behind with him.

He explains it all. The asexuality, the aromanticism, the queerplatonic crush he has which is apparently called a squish from all the reading he’s done. “I’m not jealous about you sleeping with girls or even dating. I wasn’t even jealous of how things were with March at first,” he explains when Ransom points out that he is straight, “I just don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to be just a bro, or your old liney or your college roommate, but I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I want you to crawl in bed with me to hide from ghosts ten years from now even if it’s kinda weird. I want you to complain about my newest tv obsession and I want to chirp you over your stupid salmon shorts. I wanna be there when they’re so old you finally have to throw them out and I want to be their to capture it on fucking camera. I want it to not be weird that I was looking for work in every city you started looking at med school in during junior year. I want to be the one to help you through coral reef mode while you study for the MCATs this year and look into your other options. If you do go back to school – medical or grad – I want to have a steady job and an apartment there so you can live with me. And if you never moved out after, that would be even better. It’s not about kissing. It’s not about sex. It’s not about dating. It’s just…everything else. The important stuff.”

“March broke up with me.”

“What?”

“She got mad and we fought. She said I wasn’t as serious as I was saying and just using the relationship to avoid you. The more I think about it, the more right she probably was – I mean, not about all of it, because she was definitely more than any of the other girls I’ve ever dated, but I was probably leading her on a bit with some of what I was saying and doing. I definitely wasn’t ready for anything more and probably won’t be for a while and I think she might have started expecting it up until she realized I couldn’t deliver. So I can’t be your boyfriend, because I don’t date dudes even if they’re you, but it doesn’t sound like that’s quite what you want either?”

Holster nodded and shrugged at that because he wasn’t quite sure how to explain it, either, and Ransom continued, “But if you’re okay with taking things slow and figuring out what we want and are comfortable with, I can try this thing you’re talking about? Because, bro, you are definitely my #1 bro and you’re probably my #1 person all-told. And if you don’t mind me getting pussy on the side…?”

“Drown in all the pussy you want, bro,” Holster nodded approval, “Dating or a girlfriend is fine, too, honestly. Just don’t phase me out.”

Ransom grinned, “Then I don’t see why we can’t give it a shot.”

“S’wawesome,” Holster smiled a huge smile with his big teeth on display, “But also you should totally call March and apologize.”

ANYWAY! That is how March and Ransom stay friends, Holster and Ransom become queerplatonic partners, Ransom dates around a bit before dating March again a couple years down the road. The three talk A LOT, they figure things out, and everyone’s happy in the end with Ransom and March in a romantic and sexual relationship, Ransom and Holster in a QPR and Holster and March as friends who totally gang up on Ransom in chirp wars.

#holster #ransom #march #ransommarch #holsom #queer platonic holsom #linnea writes stuff

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