#i literally cant do anymore my brain has been fried for weeks at this point

[ohjaimelannister]

Do you think Hoppers actually dead though?

O K A Y.

I’ve been looking for an excuse to pull all of this together so here we go! NO Anon, I do not think that Chief James Hopper has gone and died on us. There’s no REAL evidence (there are easter eggs though) however and the Duffer Brothers could still pull the rug out from under us but hey.

No I do not believe that Hopper is dead. Although some things can be interpreted as pretty final and if the Duffers really kill him off I will never watch this show again, because it’s horrifically SHITTY writing and im already super tired of that this year lmao.

One - There is no body? We were never showed a body or what’s left of one? We have seen bodies for Benny, Barb, Bob and Billy (and even people who were in it for like 5 minutes). THEY EVEN PRODUCED A FAKE WILL WHEN THEY WANTED US TO THINK HE WAS DEAD. THEY AREN’T AGAINST SHOWING US BODIES!!! Which brings me to my next point!

Two - They also aren’t against to showing us death. Lots of gory detailing death, WHOEVER it is. Billy died horrifically but you saw it even though hes a kid. Bob got ripped to shreds.  And even those dudes at the beginning of S3 died horribly? They still showed it. Hopper’s death??? It cuts away. You see NOTHING. AT. ALL. There aren’t even any remnants OF a body where he was standing, and Joyce goes down there and LOOKS. Surely shed find something? Gooey grossness like the bodies at the beginning? Nope. You could argue that they’d be against showing us the death of a beloved hero and a main character but. Again. Bob was beloved and arguably one of the sweetest characters in the show and he was ripped to bits in front of us and Joyce. Billy was a kid for all intents and purposes, still he died a horrible death. Not one bit of that was cut away.

Three - If you look in the shots hes not on the platform when the thing explodes????? like at all? Either that’s badly shot or its done deliberately because he’s just not there anymore? There’s the portal to the Upside Down and you can see a ladder in the shot too, so maybe he either went into the Upside Down or down the ladder and got caught by the russians?? We just don’t know.

Four - We see the devastated Eleven and the aftermath of what happened at Star Court. Then it jumps to three months later? Okay, odd that were not shown anymore of the grieving or the funeral. Then of course Eleven read the SPEECH. Think about the end of it specifically and about LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN 3 INCHES!! You can see from one of the final shots of Star Court that the gates not CLOSED. It was healing but it never fully closes. So Hopper could be in the Upside Down, or travelled through it to Russia on the other end?? Who knows. Point is, they included this line at the end for a reason. Whether the reason is that hes actually dead and they’re just being profound or that its a hint about his fate, its meaningful.

Five - During the ending the song HEROES by Peter Gabriel plays, this is the same song that was placed over them finding Wills fake body, and after all the goodbyes and the ‘speech’ where it ends with “keep the door open three inches” well. Come on.

Six - Then it cuts to Russia and you hear the “not the american” line, and Hopper was called “the American” throughout the series by that Russian baddie. Should I start waving Red Flags here or???? Then again, a lot of people are saying this could be Brenner. Okay I 100% get your logic Im with ya, and for a few days I’ve also thought it could be Brenner. But here’s the thing. Elevens powers. Brenner makes her use them to spy on a russian man in Season 1. Hinting that there’s more going on here than just super powers, kids and other dimensions. Don’t forget that in the 80s the world was in the grip of the Cold War, and things would have started reaching a boiling point for this long before 1985 when it ‘officially’ began. We were never given any answers about why Brenner was spying on this man, or even Russia. Or even if he WAS spying for the US. Nothing, it’s a throwaway scene. Or IS IT? Russians show up in Season Three somehow knowing about the Upside Down, having failed at their own attempts to open a gate in Russia. They somehow know that its Hawkins they need to be in to successfully open their gate and potentially get monsters to use, oh I don’t know, in a WAR???? How would they have known any of this information to begin with?? Oh I wonder. We were told all about Brenner being alive and out there in season two (and we were never told WHERE and this is not referenced again), but as far as I can remember Eleven has never shared this with anyone else, even though it’s completely RELEVANT information. And as far as I can remember (its been a hell of an emotional few days) I dont think were given any explanation about how the Russians knew about the Upside Down, Hawkins or anything. So maybe the reason they knew is BECAUSE BRENNER is the one giving them their directives? Because hes worked for THEM this whole time???

Seven -  Interestingly also Eleven lost her powers? JEEZ ISN’T THAT CONVENIENT!!! Because the first thing shed use them for is to look for Hopper even if she was told he was dead. Shed look, 100% for the man who saved her, gave her a home, loved her, worried for her, cared for her like she was his goddamn OWN. Conveniently though now SHE CANT??? Interesting.

Eight -  And now. There’s the voicemail message. In one of the episodes (my brains so fried I cant remember which one sorry) Murrays gives out his landline number, and when you call it you can hear him give a message to Joyce. You can listen to it here.  You can tell this is after season three, because why would he talk to Joyce Byers? Surely if he was trying to reach someone for information it would be Hopper?  “I have an update, its best if we speak in person" an update??? About what??? Why is he coercing with joyce???  Notice how he says “it’s not good or bad but its SOMETHING” and then says “we’ll talk about it in person” (or something like that) why would he be calling joyce with an ‘update’?????????? AND ON WHAT EXACTLY?? INTERESTING!!

Nine - Theres this interview with the cast specifically ABOUT Hopper, the death and the post credits scene. And I love David Harbour but, you cannot lie for shit my angel.

Ten - Millie has said in an interview “ Her dads gone, or so she thinks” COME ON.

Eleven - Again WE KNOW DAVID HARBOUR IS LIKE THE MARK RUFFALO OF STRANGER THINGS. And hes bad at keeping shit to himself. Hes already told us at the end of last YEAR, literally a month after they finished filming season three that the Duffers have told him the ending to the series as a whole. Why would any creator do this for a man they have effectively just fired, because his character died? Why would they tell him? They wouldn’t.

Tweleve - Again. David Harbour, bless his heart, I think its trying to give us HINTS and bread crumbs to follow. Last week he changed his instagram photo from Hopper in S1 to the number 6. Odd. Today he changed it to the number one :

Twelve continued - Basically if he changed it to an 8 next, we know hes trying to hint at Murrays voicemail message and this is a clue for Hopper. Because why else would he bother?

Thirteen - Theres also this screenshot from Cara Buonos instagram where she literally SAYS about him being in Kamchatka, and uses the Russian word for PRISON. (Of course this could just be a joke between the actors

Fourteen - Theres also the fact, which is not evidence mind you, that its incredibly shitty writing to have both the men that Joyce Byers loved/loves to die in front of her? And actually having her put the action in motion that kills the man she loves? No. I wont accept that. And weve been shown her non willingness to believe in peoples death, everyone and their mothers told her Will was dead and she was being crazy. Did she listen? No. And she got her boy back. Will she think once she has a clear head that Hoppers dead? Maybe. Which is why she asks Murray to investigate. Hence the Voicemail Message.

Fifteen - Its also incredibly shitty and hard to swallow, for Elevens sake too. I mentioned already how much she loves Hopper and finally got a true parent in him. Do you honestly think they’d put her through all of that just to lose him NOW? Like i said, its convienent how shes lost her powers at this very crucial moment.

Sixteen - DAVID. HARBOURS. BEARD. RIGHT. NOW.

And SEVENTEEN -Just in case y’all are having trouble with any of that it looks like David Harbour has let sorta slip (my god I fucking ADORE THIS MAN LET ME TELL YOU). I dont know how reliable this is mind you because its not coming from a BIG source, but HERE he hints at knowing who the American is, after telling everyone else (see the interview above ^^) that he doesnt know and he cant say anything. 

‘During an interview with David Harbour, I attempted to delicately get around the fate of Jim Hopper. Harbour, however, came right out and gave it to me straight. “This is the question I’m going to have to dance around–” I began, only for Harbour to interrupt me and ask, “The ending?” “Right,” I said. “Is there a way you can talk about the future of Hopper without…” I trailed off here, only for Harbour to ask: “Well, did you see the post-credits scene?”I had, of course. And so I straight-up asked: is that Hopper behind the door? According to Harbour, that’s the most likely scenario. Throughout the season, the main Russian baddie refers to Hopper as “the American”, and having another Russian refer to the mysterious prisoner in the same way was the big giveaway.Of course, knowing that Hopper is alive, and knowing how he survived and ended up in Russia, are two different things. We’ll have to wait for season 4 to get that answer. And we’ll have to wait to see how things unfold from there. Will a big chunk of season 4 involve Hopper escaping that Russian base, and trying to get back to America? Time will tell. One thing is clear: Hopper still has a long journey ahead of him; not just physically, but emotionally.’

SO, basically Jim Hopper has not left us, Joyce or Eleven.  And if the Duffer Brothers have done all this to screw with us, well. Im not gonna be responsible for what I do.

I FEEL JIM HOPPER IN THIS RUSSIAN PRISON TONIGHT!!!

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK!!!!!!!!

#Stranger Things #Jim Hopper #David Harbour #Jopper #strangerthingsspoilers

[type-a-nomad]

April 10

April 10

Last week I went on a road trip and it was an incredible way for this adventure to come to near its end.  

I left for the road trip at 8am on Wednesday morning, packing my clothes in a trash bag I found under the kitchen sink.  It was decided that I was going to be the driver for the road trip and, therefore, I would be renting the car in my own name.  That process really hit me as an adult thing to do.  The only time I’ve seen a car be rented is by my parents.  Now, I’m the one signing the release form and grabbing the keys. To say I was nervous was an understatement.  I was flooded with anxiety about driving.  Firstly, I didn't know where we were or where we were going because I am entirely unfamiliar with the area.  Secondly, in South Africa, you drive on the left side of the road and the steering wheel is on the right.  This means the usual mindset I have of where I need to check for space is entirely thrown off and I need to re-calibrate the way I think of a car when I drive it.  Thirdly, I had never driven the car we were about to take off in.  Most cars here are manual— but I can’t drive manual so I paid extra for an automatic.  Calling the car an automatic is a drastic overstatement.  It was more like an automatic that had the brain of the car taken out so you cant change the gears, and it doesn't know how to either. Moreover, when it would accelerate if I really just floored it, the engine would hit 500-600 RPMs.  That’s not supposed to happen in a Toyota Corolla.   The first stop after getting the car and camping gear was Hout Bay.  This is on the other side of Table Mountain from where I live.  It’s secluded and smaller than the other alcove-like beaches around Cape Town.  There was a long pier and a dock that was filled with little fishing boats that looked like they were off of a postcard from the 1970s.  The entire scene was beautiful— except for one thing.  There was an obese seal.  Now, the image of an obese seal is kind of funny in a ridiculous way.  But the reason it’s so fat is that a man sits with a huge bucket of fish and feeds it constantly so it’s more human-friendly and dependent on him.  This seal is so fat it can’t hunt anymore. This is an animal that a human has taken out of the wild and essentially ruined it’s life through isolation from its own species and overfeeding.  It was so fat it could barely move.  I got over it though and got a large tray of fish and chips with salt and vinegar.  It was fried heaven.   Hout Bay is surrounded by mountains.  When you’re there, it feels sort of like it could be God’s fish bowl.  It’s so contained and observable from above, a little biome all by itself.  We started from the bottom of the fishbowl and drove up the side along the mountain, eventually coming to Chapman’s peak, which looks down on all of Hout Bay.  It was so surreal to see the tiny little dock where I had been 20 minutes before as a little speck and simultaneously knowing how many people with stories and families and dreams were sitting there, munching on fish and chips.   After Chapman’s Peak, we headed down to Cape of Good Hope— the most Southwestern tip of the African continent. If that definition is confusing, it basically means there is one other place that is farther South than it, and it’s in the Eastern Cape.  So, their claim to fame is the farthest Southwestern tip. The view was so incredible and expansive, that it actually looked like you could see the curve of the Earth on the horizon. On one hand, that makes sense because the slope of a sphere would be steepest at the poles.  On the other hand, maybe I was just overexcited. There are two ways to describe what happened at the Cape of Good Hope.  One is that we were adventurous and unconventional and hiked on a ledge to a cliff nobody else dared to go to.  The other is that we lost the trail to the main peak with a lighthouse and just went with it.  You can choose which narrative you like better-  full reader’s discretion.   We finished up the first day by driving to the first town we were staying at.  It was night by then.  We bought a cooking pot and pasta supplies for the rest of the week.  I was absolutely starving even during grocery shopping, so by the time we pitched the tent and were lighting the fire it was not only pitch black outside but I was also getting grumpy.  I made the responsible and courteous decision to curb my hunger with white wine instead of being snippy until I had finished cooking.  The pasta was heaven by the time I finished, even though the mushroom cream sauce was out of a plastic bag container we had bought for approximately $1.50.  We ate directly out of the pot of pasta with forks and were asleep by 10pm. The next morning was magical.  I woke up to the sound of the waves crashing on the beach that was 50 yards from where I slept: in a tent, on a lawn, under a tree with a little fire pit near it.  I walked down to the beach after eating leftover pasta for breakfast and it was breathtaking.  I was so calm.  Sand between my toes, watching the waves crash on the shore at 7:30am.  That is me at my calmest.  The second day was a long day of driving, so we pulled out of the camping grounds around 8.  We drove up towards the Eastern Cape coast.  The highway was mainly empty.  For lunch we pulled into this little farm stand with a cafe and got amazing cheeseburgers.  I don’t like driving for extended periods of time, especially on the opposite side of the road in a place I don’t know for more than 5 hours.  But, the company and music in the car made it more than tolerable— I was blissed-out behind the wheel of a 2005 Toyota Corolla.  Past that, I bought a huge bag of peanut M&Ms.  The blue ones are my favorite.  The right company is everything.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever laughed that much in a single car ride, whether you measure that by straight time or percentage of time laughing, the statement holds.   The best part was that I got to go to Myoli Beach again.  This is my heaven on earth.  This is me in my element.  This is what bliss looks like and feels like to me.  It is a sacred space.  I will only go there with people I love.  I also know that when I am an adult, if I ever need time or an escape, that’s where I am going to go.  I don’t care about the flight time.  I don’t care about the distance.  I am going to make it happen.  When we got there, I almost sprinted into the water.  Soon, the lifeguards were screaming at me because apparently the currents are so chaotic and powerful that you have to swim between two cones they set up.  I was mildly irritated by this because I wanted to just be alone, but I didn’t let it cramp my style.  I was too happy.  I was so proud.  I did it.  The first time I was there, I promised myself I would go back, and I executed.   I think execution is one of my strengths.  I am very creative and I dream a lot, but I also make the dreams happen.  I don’t allow myself to be overwhelmed to the point of being paralyzed by all of the options and ideas my brain can create.  It is really wonderful to live that way.  However, there is a slight drawback and that is that I don’t really believe in just “letting things turn out the way they should”.  I don't buy a laissez-faire mindset.  I don’t think things just work themselves out.  You make things turn out the way they should and I don’t really cut people slack around that, because I know that you can make things happen because I do all the time.  It’s hard.  It takes a toll on me.  There’s pressure and sacrifice, but I am always trying my hardest to execute and a lot of the time it happens.  I think the harder you try, the more things fall in your direction.  Effort generates luck.   The camping grounds we went to next we were staying at for two nights, so the drive was efficient and worth it.  We pulled in and my jaw dropped.  In front of us was the Indian Ocean.  When I mean in front of us, I mean the tent was maybe 30 feet from the sea.  Huge waves, crashing on the rocks that were the only thing in between us and the most beautiful thing in the world: the ocean.  The other day, a friend asked me if I thought the ocean was conscious.  I said I think it’s more complicated than that and I don’t really see it as a united, conscious being per say.  I was then met with a brilliant observation: foam.  There is so much yucky foam from the ocean that is filled with the pollutants of the sea.  The ocean cleans itself.  If the ocean wasn't conscious, why would it clean foreign objects from itself? Food for thought. Now onto the real food.  For dinner that night I made an absolutely stunning pot of spaghetti and meatballs.  I really was proud of myself for this one.  I made it out of various ingredients and cans of meatballs all from the OK-minimark.  It irritates me that it’s not called the mini-mart, but instead the minimark, like market.  Why not just use mart? C’mon now people, I can’t be the one supplying all the good ideas.  While the pasta cooked, I went and took a super quick shower in the facilities graciously provided by the camping site.  I was walking out of the bathroom, towel securely turban-ed in my hair, and I saw the ocean light up in front of me.  I thought I was hallucinating.  Then I remembered that my friend Tim told me about seeing bioluminescent waves on one of his road trips, and I started sprinting towards my tent.  I was completely out of breath upon arrival because I am in literally the worst shape of my life.  I just said “bioluminescent… waves *gasps*” and pointed towards the ocean.  Then, miracles took place in front of my eyes.  For the next hour, the ocean was alive.  The waves were lighting up.  Millions, maybe even trillions, of plankton were crashing against each other and lighting up the waves as they curled and crashed in front of us.  It was magic.  Every time, it felt like my brain was glitching, but it was real.  This was really happening.  Then Mother Nature decided to test whether or not she could give us a heart attack and the clouds above us parted, revealing the Milky Way.  In front of us, bioluminescent waves.  Above us, the Milky Way.  In our tummies, amazing spaghetti and meatballs.  If this isn't what life is about, what is? The next day was quite lazy.  It was raining and super windy.  To the point where we were afraid to leave our little tent all alone in the storm in fear it might be blown away.  Thankfully, as we went and got breakfast at the restaurant that was on the nature reserve we were camping at, it held it’s ground. It was not completely out of the question that the tent could have blown into the sea. I’m not sure what we would have done.  That would have been no bueno.   Because it was so rainy and cold, we decided to forgo the hike we had planned and went to a vineyard instead.  No complaints from my end.  Give me a tapas-style restaurant and a wine tasting and I am, literally, a happy-camper.  The food was delicious and we were so full that we ended up just heating up the leftovers of the spaghetti that we had negligently left in the pot and eating that for dinner.  The next morning, we packed up fairly early and hit the road.  We stopped at a gas station for breakfast and I got a grilled cheese with tomato and a large cappuccino.  This was the second to last day and I was in no way ready for this magical adventure to be over.  The route to get to the last site was so incredibly scenic.  We drove through ravines and over the mountains of Africa.  The ground here is incredibly red and it contrasted with the green of the plants growing on it.  The scientific reason for the redness is because there is a lot of iron in the soil.  The locals say that the reason the earth is so red is the blood that has spilled over it.   The last place we went to was in the mountains, our first venture inland away from the beach.  Naturally, I was a little hesitant about this because the beach is my happy place.  Oh, how wrong I was.  And happily so.  We stayed at an amazing hot springs in the middle of the South African Mountains.  The pools each varied in temperature.  It was all outside and directly out of the mountain beneath us.  There was iron in the water, naturally, so it was a little reddish-brown.  I loved it.  I was so at-ease.   Africa has pushed me to grow in many ways.  One of the biggest, most important ways, is the groundedness I feel here.  I am not a laid-back person.  But the closest I get to that is feeling rooted and calm within myself.  I don’t look for other people to tell me that I’m doing the right thing as much as I used to, I just know what is right and I pursue it.  That’s how I feel here.  Feet on the ground, heart in my chest, lungs full of beautiful air, eyes staring directly ahead: I am here.  I am here.  I am hopeful and present at the same time.  I am settled in my own body and mind.  I am centered in my own existence.  I am ambitious without being discontent with my own reality.  I am seeking and finding and accepting balance in my life.  Namaste, motherfucker. That night, we made the most complex dinner yet.  It was the last night of the road trip, so the special occasion warranted extravagance.  We made fish and pasta.  I made the pasta, naturally.  It was all delicious and wonderful.  The stars were so clear.  It blows my mind to look up and think about the infinite expanse of space that we are hurtling around in like a little speck of dust carrying over 7 billion individual realities.  It was freezing.  Even when we were cooking dinner, I was shivering.  The wind was impressively strong, blowing anything under 5 pounds at will.  I felt a little annoyed at Mother Nature for that kind of treatment, given the amount of appreciation I had for her during the rest of the road trip.  I thought she might do me a solid for that, turns out she really just doesn’t care.  It’s alright.  My feelings were only a little hurt.  I can bounce back with pesto pasta.  And I did.  That night we stayed up late.  Talking about the universe and morality and politics.   It always amazes me when people say they don’t like politics.  I understand not liking conflict.  That’s one thing.  But not “liking” politics doesn’t really seem like an option to me.  Politics is your life.  It’s your education.  It’s your job.  It’s your health.  It’s your rights.  How can you not “like” politics?  That being said, I generally don’t like conflict.  It feels like an attack and takes a lot of energy from me.  Talking about conflicting political views taxes me a lot (no pun intended).  When I hear about political issues, I want to do something about it.  I want to take the steering wheel and fix all of the unfairness and damage that the world is doing to itself right now.  I am usually an empathetic person, but when people don’t have that same urge, I find it really hard to understand.  I think a large aspect of this is immaturity.  My passion blinds me to an extent.  I get carried away.  I get overwhelmed by how necessary the issue is.  I am unable to moderate my tone or conversation points to make what I’m saying digestible.  This is somewhat of a pattern for me.  It makes me feel very immature, embarrassed, and like I lack self-control.  I know that if I really wanted to convince people of my views, if I wanted to really get the outcome I want, I would actually moderate what I’m saying.  People don’t respond well to accusation and conflict.  If I defend somebody or a view of mine, the natural response for the other person is to either take the offensive or see what I’m saying as the offensive and take the defensive of their (wrong…) opinion.  It makes me think of an Albert Einstein quote: “insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.  I go into arguments with the same amount of stubbornness and passion and intensity, and expect it to sway people.  I get tunnel-vision and let go of what I know is persuasive and just unleash my feelings and views in one huge Tsunami Quinn.  I am very evangelical about what I believe.  When I really care, I suddenly become a Mormon with a picket sign screaming at girls in skirts that God hates them.  When I think I know I’m right, usually because I’ve done extensive research I assume most people are way too lazy to even do a fraction of, my words slap people in the face like a verbal picket sign. This is one of the things I’m working on this year.  I think I’ve become significantly more aware of it and it’s going to take time, but I’ll get there.  I know I can execute, this goal will just take some more time than is ideal.   Another point of self-improvement I am working on is self-image.  That is, I don’t balance confidence and self-assurance well.  I am either entirely confident, set in my views, plowing forward with full force and self-righteousness, or I am entirely insecure and see myself as the problem of a situation.  Neither of these is ideal.  The goal is to moderate.  To find a point of confidence and humility and implement that into the way I approach the world.  To be assured in my values and who I know I am, without being so confident that I have a closed-mindset and, therefore, close myself off to more improvement and learning.  I have a very complex mind and am able to see a lot of nuance in the world.  I am also empathetic.  I can see the different elements and viewpoints of any situation.  For example, I see why ISIS would be a persuasive institution to join in a desperate, isolating, and unfair situation.  That being said, there are some absolute truths that I believe that I am not sure if it helps or harms me to see as absolute truths.  The main of these is that I don’t believe in cutting others more slack than I would cut myself.  I don’t think anyone who is persuaded to join ISIS is a good person.  I think a bad person can regret and then move towards becoming a good person.  I think a bad person can become a good person.  I don’t think there is a fixed state of goodness or badness.  Your goodness or badness hinges entirely on your actions and beliefs.  That being said, if you are convinced that the right thing to do is kill others in an act of Jihad because they are Shi’iet Muslims instead of Sunni Muslims, or because they are of Western Culture, you’re a bad person.  There is never a “right” reason to kill people you don't know.  Those people are stories.  They are families.  They are lives and experiences and relationships and heartbreak and loss and happiness and complexity in the same way anyone else is.  It is so selfish and entitled to claim a life that is not your own.  To intervene in somebody’s path like that.  To step into a family’s reality forever.  To influence hundreds of people in an act of destruction.  There is no information, persuasion, or excuse that justifies that mindset.  That is an absolute badness to me.  I hesitate to say evil because it is weighted by the connotation of Satan and religion and I don’t want this to be about that.  It’s about goodness and badness.  Killing people is bad.  That is an absolute truth to me.  Stealing from people is bad.  That is an absolute truth to me.  Whether that is robbing people of objects, of experiences, or of honesty, it’s all stealing.  Material stealing is the least important.  Money, objects, material, it’s all societally constructed and most of the time doesn’t destroy somebody’s wellbeing or happiness.  Not to say that’s never the case, but *usually* it is not the case.  However there are more dramatic versions of stealing.  Lying is stealing the truth from somebody.  Cheating is stealing a natural, right sequence of events from somebody.  It’s all stealing, and it is deceptive, and selfish.  Nobody has the right to change what should happen.  Nobody has the right to pretend the truth is something it isn’t.  That’s an absolute wrong to me.  How am I supposed to live in a world where I have to doubt what the people around me say?  That is an incredibly exhausting existence.   That mindset towards lying and trust is another thing I have recently realized about myself.  When I begin a relationship with anyone, friendship, professional, romantic, etc., I give that person my trust.  I am vulnerable.  I am open.  I am true and I don’t hold back unless it will cause damage to somebody other than myself.  However, if that trust is exploited, it is taken away by me in an extreme way.  I withdraw entirely.  It hurts me deeply to be betrayed, and it has happened many times.  Yet, I would rather be hurt many times, than not keep my heart as open as I do.  I feel everything so deeply and connect with people in an honest way on a daily basis, because I am brave enough to open myself to betrayal and pain.  Often, I feel that pain.  But, the worst pain and biggest loss of all is if I would let that betrayal make me close my heart off, and I need to have the courage to preserve that.   A sort-of example of this is making dear friends here in South Africa.  The wise thing to do is to keep my heart to myself.  We all live on separate continents.  Why would I get attached? I don’t accept that.  I’ve thrown my heart to people here and, when they leave, it breaks.  But I would rather feel love, loss, and pain than nothing at all.  

- Q

p.s. I haven’t written yet about april 10+11 but that will come when the time is right.  stay patient.  

p.p.s if you haven't listened to the Fugees seriously, do it now.  You might die tomorrow without hearing this genius.