#i literally think to myself whenever i want to unalive myself that there's a new ep coming soon

[usaigi]

Marc, Jake & Steven

Lunar sys au character cards | Read all chapters on ao3

Continuation of Birdy calling their dad, Marc finds out

CW: referencing past suicide attempts and past suicide idealization (does not go into detail), discussing mental illness, joking about mental illness

Birdy Spector Tuesday – 3:12 PM

Attachment: Fullhouse-Only-It’s-In-My-Head.ppt Lunar-sys.docx image_642.jpeg

I made the powerpoint when we first started seeing our therapist but some of the information has changed. At the time, I only knew about Marc, Steven, Jake, and myself. 

Steven and I made another document with some info about the others 

I know SMJ made another document that’s like a history/timeline of everything we’ve been through but they won’t show it to me 😒

Which is bs because I literally have all the trauma for trying to unalive ourselves but they think I can’t handle it 

Elias Spector – Tuesday 5:26 PM

Thanks. Is it ok if I show this to my therapist? Also, I finished reading two books you recommended, we can talk about it next time you can call. 

The cat is very cute. 

Sorry to ask but

Since leaving home

Did you attempt again?

Birdy Spector – Wednesday 11:32 AM

Yeah, that's fine

Not me, just Marc I think. He’s doing better though. 

Probably lol 

Jake’s really good at keeping us safe

He;s funny, Jake made him a jar and now Marc has to drop a dollar every time he makes a joke about dying lmao

Also whenever Daniela is mean 

or anyone says someone mean about themselves

Although

It’s less funny when he makes me do it 😒

Elias Spector – Wednesday 12:57 PM

I’m just glad you’ll are safe now

I understand you dislike labels but just for my comprehension, is it safe to say that you didn’t have BPD and/or Bipolar disorder? Was it just different alters fronting?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:46 PM

Not sure 🤷🏼 

What gets confusing is that while yes we are separate alters and all but we do all share the same brain, body, hormones, etc. And even when we’re not fronting/co-con, we can still have influence 

So its hard to tell if we are acting a certain way because of another disorder or if its related to DID

Steven and I were reading about how childhood trauma shapes dna, brain development, how bodies react, etc it’s wild ngl

Maybe depression with mixed features? We’re testing out some new mood stabilizers to see if they help. Not everyone is good at logging the effects/side effects Steven and I are the only ones that are super consistent but I don’t actually front that often. It’s sooo exhausting trying to get everyone on the same page 😩   

And it’s not that I don’t like labels, I justthink it was super frustrating how doctors would keep throwing whatever label at us and just hoped it’d stick

I felt like I was hoarding mental illnesses lmao like damn lunar sys leave some for everyone else

U know anyone who wants some? Currently got a buy one get one free special lmao

Elias Spector - Wednesday 4:48 PM

I imagine that’s difficult. How have you been doing otherwise?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:50 PM

I joined Steven and Marc for some sessions this week. Three times a week is too much. since I was there we talked about the stuff that happened when we were younger. Jake was also there, but he only watched

EMDR is terrible, I hate it so much 

But…

It’s easier to open up to the psychologist after talking to you about it first

But I’ve been fighting with Marc less so that’s probably good. Although he still won’t tell me about what he remembers and he even forbid Steven from telling me too. Jake has always been weird about it and Daniela is still pretty scary

Can you please tell me?

Elias Spector - Wednesday 5:05 PM

Be patient with Marc. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, I think it’s best if you talk to the others about it. 

Marc isn’t scooping, he’s totally fine with his alters having boundaries and privacy. He just happened to come across Birdy’s email account–which she stayed signed into–and stumbled across a chat thread with who else but Elias Spector. 

His vision turns red, scrolling through dozens and dozens of messages, images, and call receipts. The earliest message is dated just over 6 weeks ago, although the first couple of messages imply that they were already in contact before then. 

‘Steven. Steven! Steven!!’ Marc yells out internally, hoping to wake Steven up from wherever he is in the inner world. 

‘What?’ He says grouchily, slowly stepping towards the front. 

‘Look at this shit. What the hell was she thinking? Did you know she was in contact with our dad?’ Marc says as Steven takes control of the body to look at the screen. 

‘Marc, you need to calm down,’ Steven says, still working his way through all the messages, he can feel Marc in the headspace making trenches from pacing around so much. 

‘How dare you tell me to calm down? I can’t even trust my own fucking alters to not go behind my back. This is fucking Khonshu all over again!’

‘What’s going on, are you doing something dumb?’ Jake jumps in, suddenly appearing in the front conference room, as if he appearing out of thin air. He must have sensed their stress level rise. 

‘Respectfully Jake, go fuck yourself. This isn’t about you.’ Marc snaps back, irritated he had the nerve to stick his head into this. 

‘It looks like Birdy has been a messaging dad. Talking on the phone too, I think.’ Steven tells him, essentially ignoring all of Marc’s wishes. 

‘She what? ’ Jake asks in disbelief, getting closer to the front to get a better look at the messages in question. 

‘That sneaky little bra–’  

‘Marc, stop it. I’m mad too but I won’t let you talk about her that way.’ Jake interrupts him in his tracks. 

‘Oh of course you’re on her side. She’s always hiding behind you. And we all know you’re an expert at making decisions behind our backs, aren’t you? Tell me, what other secrets have you been hiding from us? Was it actually you that got me kicked out of the military?’ Marc rages with an exasperated outrage, arms wrapped around himself, taking careful steps backwards. Keeping his back against the wall. 

Jakes glares at Marc over that comment, standing his ground, he shouts back, ‘Ok fine! Maybe this is my fault! Sorry I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth about our childhood! You don’t think it hurt me when she talked about how nice and protective her dad was when my dad failed us?’ 

‘Maybe we all need to take some deep breaths, yeah? I can make us a cuppa–’

‘Steven, your endless optimism and desire to make everything ok is exhausting sometimes. Can you please just shut it?’ Marc says, in a low bitter voice. 

In response, Steven shut the laptop close, dropping his head to his hands, ‘Fine! Then I guess I won’t share what I think!’

‘What do you think?’ Jake asks with a heavy sigh. 

‘Maybe… we should reach out to dad, it’s obviously helping Birdy. Looking over at his messages he seems accepting. And it looks like he’s in therapy too.’

Marc's knees buckle as his breathing rises, ‘I can’t believe this. Steven, what happened to system cooperation? I can’t believe you’re siding with her.’

‘I’m not siding with anyone.’ Steven replies calmly. 

‘Marc, stop it. You’re acting like our mother.’ Jake states sharply and it hits Marc like an asteroid. Marc's mouth opens in shock, his eyes glare, almost as if he's going to attack back but he doesn't. His eyes, rapidly flashing from betrayal to anger to disgust to shame to fear. He slides down to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knee, dropping his forehead onto his forearms. 

Even Steven tenses up at that comment.

Exhausted, Jake pulls out his chair from the crescent conference table, pulls out a cigarette from his jacket, and places it between his lips. This is all fake– all of this is happening inside their head, but somehow, the smell of tobacco fills the body’s nostrils.    

Jake lets Marc recollect himself for a bit before saying, ‘There are no sides, we are a system. If you yell at her, all the work we’ve done to get her to open up will be for nothing. Tell me, who does Birdy remind you of?’ Jake asks in a stern but calm voice. When Marc doesn’t reply, he says, ‘She acts like we did at that age. Time has always been fuzzy for me but I remember feeling like I had no control over anything. Like adults were quick to dismiss all my problems. I’m guilty of this shit too, I’ve fed into her delusions about how great our dad was and how our mom was too sick to visit her in the hospital. I kept telling myself I was protecting her innocence but maybe I fucked up. 

‘I still do that shit with Kid. I know he’s confused but I can’t explain it to him. Maybe I am protecting him, or maybe I’m just trying to protect myself.’ 

The three of them let words seep, processing Jake's words and the situation. It feels like all the hard work that Marc has done to try to heal, not just suppress, has been for nothing, he still felt like a scared child, abandoned by his parents.

‘Maybe...' Steven says, once some of the initial tension calms down, 'we should think about how our alter didn’t feel comfortable talking to us first before sneaking off to talk to dad. Be honest Marc, how would you have reacted if she asked you for permission?’  

‘I would have blown her off…’ Marc mumbles, still hiding his face in shame. 

‘Yeah, and I wouldn’t have been any better…’ Jake sighs. 

‘Steven, I know you want to talk to dad, I know you don’t see him like I do. But his…indifference almost killed us,’ Marc says softly. 

Steven pauses, before warily saying, ‘I think… there’s no growth living in the past and maybe… closure would be good for us.’

#moon knight #moon knight fanfic #marc spector #steven grant #jake lockley #mk lunar sys #layla el faouly #moonscarab #lunar sys & dad arc

[light-gayber]

I need to vent. I'm sorry for the long post, you don't need to read it.

TRIGGER WARNING: Therapy, struggling with poverty, bullying, homophobia, transphobia, misgendering, deadnaming, abandonment, isolation, attempting to self-unalive

It feels so weird when I'm at therapy, and I'm discussing an issue I've been having, and then my therapist asks stuff like "Why do you think that is?" Or "What do you do to help?", And then she smiles and nods when I say why I think that is, or what I do to help, because apparently, knowing what the hell is wrong with my brain, and acting to try fixing it, is normal, but not to the degree I do-

She says that a lot of my coping mechanisms and thought processes relating to struggling with something are already really smart and like I do therapy on myself.

I literally had to learn how to do it because I didn't have a good therapist for so long that I accidentally taught myself.

My Mom did teach me a few things, like that I should not hoard stuff just because I think it could be useful later, because I remember growing up when we didn't know if we could afford buying new things when needed.

I sometimes cry when I waste food, because I remember growing up, and Mom and Dad telling me not to waste food because that's what we have. The other day, I almost cried when my poptart fell on the floor because I didn't wanna eat anymore, but it was already opened, and whole. My Dad ended up eating it, but I felt even more guilty then because he has diabetes.

I feel ashamed of myself for wanting things. I should not be ashamed of myself for that. We can afford things that aren't necessary now! I have this innate urge to apologize to my Mom and Dad whenever we "splurge" a little bit on something at the store, like wanting sardines, or a donut, or an energy drink, or something else small like that. Or anything else for that matter.

I'm glad my sister doesn't have as many problems, but I still get anxious whenever she asks for things, because we started being able to afford more stuff when she wasn't even in 2nd grade, so she feels more comfortable asking for things. I've always been an anxious person, especially when it comes to finances. I habitually round things up to the next dollar when buying stuff, even when it's 5 cents over a dollar. It feels right. It has saved me some money, but I'm still a minor, who can fall back on my Mom and Dad when I need stuff.

My social anxiety sucks. I want it to stop. I get that it's a "survival mechanism", but it's doing more harm than good. I wish I didn't feel anxious about just going up to people and asking questions. I don't blame my parents for how awkward I am, though. They knew I had really bad anxiety in general, and that being with people for an extended period of time every day would harm me.

But if they had just put me in public school a little earlier, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. Maybe I wouldn't have tried to drown myself in an empty cat litter bucket (The one the clean litter comes in) when I was 10. Maybe my brother leaving wouldn't have hurt me so badly. Maybe I would know how to function around people, and when it's okay to call them out on bullshit.

I don't know why, but when people use she/her pronouns for me, or I hear my deadname, it physically hurts. I have had panic attacks and flashbacks at home from a little knitted pillow with my deadname on it. I wish I never went to that school. There are things now that I can't handle without flashbacks. I wish I never met my ex. I wish I never said yes to his dumb little confession when we hadn't even met. I would be way more comfortable now. I wouldn't have to feel like I have to be careful when walking to the busstop for school. I would be able to do karate with my sister. I wouldn't have a fear reaction to the word "Trinity".

#mental health #tw: vent #tw: swearing #tw: homophobia #tw: therapy #tw: transphobia #tw: deadnaming #tw: bullying #tw: misgendering #tw: suicide attempt #tw: isolation #tw: abandonment #tw: food mention #tw: hoarding #tw: illness mention #tw: mention of diabetes #tw: anxiety

[rockandroobuckaroll]

T H E M

#shane madej #ryan bergara #steven lim #i just got back from a shoft at work to find my dad has walked out #its not the first time its happened and probs wont be the last lmao #but literally watching this WW+ had me laughing and like... i just cried a little #these fucking men make me so happy even when Im one inconvenience away from ending it all #like these fucking guys... i cannot express how important watcher is to me #and unsolved too #i literally think to myself whenever i want to unalive myself that there's a new ep coming soon #like i cant miss steven cooking for his parents #or season 4 of puppet history coming soon #oh and spoiler for those who dont have patreon but theyre filming more AYS soon #and like... im just hanging around exclusively for that at the moment #oh and im seeing MCR in march #and my cat #but its mostly watcher... and my lil kitty cat #sorry to anyone who's read these tags that im rambling but my lord these boys literally keep me going #i realised i fucked up a tag right at the start im not retyping all that enjoy the word shoft tumblr sucks

[twiceblackvelvet]

wtf is up with ur anons??? rude for no reason

tw // mentions of s*icide, harassment

everyday is like this now. everyday i receive something that is disrespectful, rude, straight up a threat or someone wishing harm upon me. it’s been like this for months now and unfortunately i don’t see it stopping anytime soon.

it got to a point at one stage where i just began to accept it. as if receiving such vile stuff was “normal” but it truly isn’t. i think what is worse is that some people on this app have done that too. made it seem like it’s okay for me to receive such things and seeing that genuinely hurts.

maybe they think it’s a form of constructive criticism but when someone is literally telling me to unalive myself i’d call that a threat.

i think it’s quite sad that these people can’t seem to be able to see me as a human being behind this account anymore, or they don’t realise i have feelings and things going on beyond this app that make those threats etc. take a far bigger toll on my mental health than they think.

and i get it, people get mad whenever i decide to hold people accountable (which is what i’m actually doing not cancelling anyone) but someone has to do it or we would be back in a place where people would openly groom minors, be transphobic or a bigot of any kind. i just want people to know the kind of person they are following if they choose to do so and to keep people safe.

that isn’t me saying that i’m above anyone by doing that but i’d rather it be me than someone who could feel the repercussions from crazy anons on here at a much deeper level. i’d rather i get this rude shit over a friend who may take them seriously and consider doing what it is these anons keep telling me to do. or i’d rather it be me over someone these anons can use slurs against for example that can deeply trigger them.

i don’t know where this idea came from that i’m some “activist” or “saviour” as people have referred to me as. i just want people to do and be better. i want us all to have a place that doesn’t include such disgusting behaviour and for my friends to be able to feel truly safe within their spaces. i feel like anyone with a sense of empathy, compassion and just basic decency would feel the same, no? idk how that makes me a saviour or activist, nor would i ever refer to myself as those things.

but then again, people judging me based on only what they see on their dashboard is nothing new nor do they ever make an attempt to get to know me beyond that so, never mind.

i guess what i’m saying is that these people can say all they want and dislike me as much as they please, but i think it’s very sad how normalised such threatening and gross behaviour is within this community. how upsetting it is to see other creators agree with people receiving such things just because they don’t like the person who gets sent it and how i have to continuously defend myself for holding shitty people accountable for their shitty actions.

#anon #tw // suicide #tw // harassment

[ultraqrk-a]

tw: suicidal thoughts, covid mention, swearing, 'drama'

I didnt want to come to this, yet here I am, making a post about it. last night, it was a mess. i had to stop everything and go lay down at the things that were happening on my dash + discord groups. I'm not even going to edit this post beside the under read more thing because I'm tired of it. my mental health this year was not the best, in fact I'm pretty sure it was the worst year for me since I could remember. now, I dont want people to feel sorry for me because that's literally not the point of the post, I want people to understand why I'm I'm this post and the things that will happen in the future, but either way I'll explain myself because I feel the need to and wont forgive myself if I don't. I'm sorry if this comes out as 'manipulative', but its literally me just opening up:

last night, it was what kicked it for me. seeing friends argue and just spread things across the dash that I really dont want to mention again, since I want to leave it behind; they completely broke me. well, I didnt want to mention it, but that's kind of what triggered me so much, after all. I started to feel bad the moment I felt something was off, and I just had to leave. I tried to calm down and think clearly and not let my emotions get to me because I wanted to help, I wanted to do something other than what I ended up doing. I was talking with friends at the time, in fact, basically only a few people know what I was going through. unfortunately, not to the whole extent, as I was literally already feeling bad for even bothering them with what i thought. that, and it was bad:

this year, I've lost many irl friends, due to covid( not one died, but I meant figuratively ) and the quarantine. we've lost contact completely, but even then I was already losing them due to personal reasons that i wont mention in this post, since they arent really important at the moment. but that's the main reason why I joined the rpc again: to make friends, to not be so alone anymore. and I made friends, met wonderful people in here that I love to talk to whenever I can, or whenever I have energy to. because I'll be honest, I simply am not able to keep up conversations for long anymore, and that's totally my fault. the whole quarantine thing really fucked me up on that matter.

last night seeing people that I care about go so....against each other, let's put it like that, made me literally sick. I threw up my dinner last night to the point that I was throwing up water only. I cried for basically 4 hours straight, because the thought of losing friends and being forced to choose a side was literally fucking me up completely. my mom likes to call me a sponge: because I absorb the energy that is around me, good or bad, and let it out and end up 'cleaning' the place. if that's the case, I hope it helped someone.

I thought about 'unalive' myself in the beginning of quarantine, when my parents divorced and due to their argument and just how big it was. I thought about it again the moment I couldnt pass my exam, therefore not being able to graduate and literally having to deal with the thought that my friends would leave to university and we would fall even more apart. I thought about it again TWO WEEKS AGO when i was almost kicked out. and i really thought about it again last night, because the literal emotional and physical pain and sickness I was passing through and feeling really wasnt worth it. yet, I didnt because I'm too selfless. I thought about my pets, sisters and the rest of my family, and my friends. I was able to calm down enough to think about it clearly, and grabbed my inhaler the moment I felt my asthma kick in- but, without literally apologizing for what I was about to do before. and just the fact that I even saw that as a valid option, for even just a few minutes, it scares me.

I'm too sensitive and emotional for this type of thing, that's just how I am: or maybe I'm just too nice of a person. either way, I cant help it. I'm almost 19, I shouldn't be literally having grey hairs or losing it because of the stress I felt this year. I shouldn't even have to make this post about how I feel, and I clearly shouldnt even have to feel sick as I write this. yet I truly want to know what people think, and again, that's just a part of who I am I guess.

I already am looking for a therapist, have been for the past couple of months. but because of covid, it's been really really hard to find one that wants to take in new clients( some are scared of catching the virus if they gain new ones ) or even in my city in general.

so, with this whole thing I have decided to stay completely neutral. both sides have made valid and bad points, and I'm too tired to care right now- I literally felt sick trying to choose, to the point that I once again thought about something that I'm sure would scare anyone. and I know I inevitably will lose friends one way or another. I'll be remaking everything: my blog, will drop probably most threads, redo my carrd, my discord. just about everything. I need to get rid of what's stressing me out.

my blog, when I remake it, will most likely be friends only, and I'm not even sure I will be up for events for a while at this point. hell, I'm not even sure I want to continue with the hunger games, but I will surely finish this one to try and make everybody happy again. that's the least I can do when last night I couldn't do anything.

I'm really sorry it came to this point, but for once I really need to think about myself first. if you like this post, I'll know you want to stay my friend.

thank you all - sónia.

#suicidal thoughts // #covid mention // #swearing // #drama //