#i live through these emotions clearly and painfully every sunday-monday

[the-bau-quinjet]

Sore

I don’t love what this idea turned into, because it was supposed to be lighthearted, but it really spiraled. I will say, I like the ending.

Summary: Reader breaks down after a tough case. Spencer is there to help. 

Warnings: mentions on child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual assault, unhealthy coping mechanisms, therapy

Word Count: 2930

She didn’t mean to overdo it, but sometimes it’s inevitable. It’s her only escape.

 The team just finished up a domestic violence cult case in Laramie, Wyoming. It took six days for them to even realize the cult aspect, having been trying to connect the victims to one offender. The case was draining for everyone, but especially for her.

Everyone in the BAU has some kind of past trauma. Nobody randomly decides to do this kind of work for a living without some significant inspiration. Over her time in the BAU, Y/N has come to learn about these traumas and how they’ve shaped the people around her. She has yet to share hers though. Not because she doesn’t trust them, but rather because she only ever talks about it to her therapist. She’s made significant progress in coping with her trauma, but she hasn’t worked through it enough to bring it up herself.

 Of course, keeping it bottled up doesn’t work so she found a way to relieve the stress. Exercise. It’s never been a problem before now. She’s never overdone it before. If a case has her thinking about it, or she’s having a particularly bad day, she’ll do a HIIT or fully body workout until she’s tired enough that her brain shuts off.

 Her therapist is working with her to limit the bad days. Honestly, since joining the BAU her bad days have been rather infrequent. There’s just too much else to worry about for her to think about her own problems.

 But this case hit too close to home. Every new victim and every new piece of evidence reminded Y/N of what it was like growing up with abusive parents. She went into foster care at 15. Three years later, she went to college and did everything in her power to forget it.

 But history has a way of repeating itself. Her college boyfriend hurt her. It started small. He grew controlling, accused her of cheating, and then tried to beat the “truth” out of her. She finally left him, only to wind up with another guy who wouldn’t take no as an answer. So she stopped dating. She threw herself into her work, trying to rid the world of men like those of her past. That’s what lead her to the BAU.

 The group of profilers on the jet could all tell something was off, but Y/N isn’t one to be pushed into opening up. They know she’ll come to them when she’s ready to talk about it. Whatever “it” is. So, rather than poking and prodding, each member shows they are there for her in their own way.

 Derek and Emily each give her a hug before departing, something reserved for after especially difficult cases. Rossi squeezes her shoulder, much how she would imagine a loving parent to. JJ offers a kind smile, the one that always brings you joy, and reassuring eyes before heading out for the day. Hotch gives her less paperwork than everyone else. Penelope sends her extra videos of cute animals to lift her spirits. And Spencer stays by her side for the entire flight. Normally, Spencer would sprawl out on the sofa to catch up on the sleep he always lacks. Instead, he sits beside Y/N and offers her the blanket he typically uses, calming her nerves with the gentle swishing of pages being turned in his book of the hour.

 With everything on her mind, she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She should call her therapist, but they aren’t landing until 9:30 pm and she knows Dr. Robbins has a family of her own. So, she treats it like she used to treat a bad day. She finds a workout to do, and puts every last ounce of energy into the different exercises.

 Only, it doesn’t work like it used to. After completing the nearly hour long workout, her mind is still whirring with the pictures from the evidence board. Every time she closes her eyes she sees her father’s face, and hears his drunken yelling. Her mother in the background, unbothered because she only had Y/N so he would have a new punching bag.

 So, she finds another workout. And then another. And then another. After three more hours, she’s finally exhausted her brain into tuning out the memories long enough for her to sleep.

 She sleeps for most of Saturday, waking only long enough to shower and eat dinner. Sunday morning, the memories are back. So, she’s back to working out.

She knows in her head that it isn’t healthy, but the logical part of her brain isn’t exactly functioning at its highest level. All she’s focused on is making the pain go away. If turning the emotional pain into physical pain is what it takes, then so be it. She’d rather have the aching muscles.

 All of that, lead her to now. It’s Monday morning and she can barely walk like a normal person. Every step requires more energy than the last. Hell, she can’t even sit down without falling into the chair.

 The elevator doors spring open, revealing the glass doors that lead to the BAU bullpen. She walks in as best she can, tossing her bag on her desk with a dull thud. Of course, she’s later than normal and so Spencer and Morgan are sitting at their desks, watching as she throws herself into her chair.

 “Hi Y/N…” Spencer trails off when he sees the bags under her eyes and notices her stiff posture. “Um, are you alright?” Spencer’s puppy like concern warms her heart.

 “Yeah, I’m fine. I just did a little too much at the gym this weekend is all. I’ll be fine in a few days.” She tries to hide the underlying emotional stress behind why she did too much. Morgan can tell she’s hiding something though, even if he is way off base about what it is.

 “Yeah, the gym.” Morgan snorts his response, cutting Spencer off before he could start rambling about how to combat the negative effects of too much exercise and simultaneously drawing the attention of Emily and JJ who were reentering the bullpen after getting coffee.

 “What’s that supposed to mean?” JJ questions before Y/N can defend herself.

 “Little mama over here is sore from too much time at ‘the gym’.” It’s clear to her, and nearly everyone else in the room, that Morgan thinks she is sore from being absolutely railed. Suddenly all eyes are on her. It’s just too much for her to take. The combination of mental and physical exhaustion crossed with not wanting to talk about it causes her to break.

 She’s not sure what thought process her brain is following when she replies. Actually, she’s pretty confident her brain isn’t functioning at all when she starts speaking. Her words are painfully quiet, lacking the typical edge one would expect from someone so mentally and physically exhausted. She sounds broken. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I was in the gym for four hours Friday night and seven more yesterday, so excuse me if I’m a little bit stiff. It’s hard to work in time to stretch afterward when you’ve finally exhausted yourself enough to sleep without having to worry about remembering-.” With tears in her eyes, she cuts herself off, pushes herself from her chair, and starts the walk toward Hotch’s office, stopping to whisper her gratitude to Reid. “Spence, thank you for checking in on me.”

 Morgan, JJ, Prentiss, and Reid share confused glances as she opens and closes the door to Hotch’s office without even knocking.

 “Hotch, I think I need to go home. I- I need to talk to someone and I can’t do that if I’m here.” She manages to mutter out the words without fully breaking down, but Hotch can still clearly see something is wrong.

 “If that’s what you need to do, please go ahead. I just want you to know that we’re here for you too. You’ve been part of this team for a little over two years now. None of us want you to feel like you have to keep it all to yourself. Unfortunately nightmares come with the job, but I want you to know we all-” He stops talking as the tears begin to stream down her face. Rising from his seat, he walks around his desk to offer her support.

 Without even sparing it a second thought, Y/N collapses into his arms. She’s too exhausted to hide her emotions anymore. It’s all become too much.

 “I just can’t keep it in anymore. I feel like I’m hiding a piece of me from all of you, and I just don’t want to anymore.” It’s not exactly how she pictured letting it all out, but it makes sense. She’s hit a wall and there’s no way forwards but through.

 “Shh, it’s okay. What do you need?” Hotch is protective over his entire team, but something about Y/N makes him feel like an older brother. Like it’s his job to protect her from anything and everything he can.

 “I just want to go home. I need a break from remembering it all.” Hotch nods in understanding, reaching for his coat.

 “I’ll take you now.”

 “Actually, can Spencer take me? I want to tell him first. And can you tell Morgan I’m sorry? It wasn’t fair to say that. He didn’t know.” Hotch guides her out of his office, promising that Morgan wouldn’t hold it against her.

 “Reid, take L/N home.” Spencer nods in understanding, already reaching for Y/N’s keys since he takes the metro.

 It feels like hours have gone by, but it couldn’t have been more than 30 minutes before Spencer was sitting next to her on her couch in her apartment. They didn’t talk at all on the drive. Tears were still falling down her cheeks, but at a much less alarming rate.

 “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. We can just sit here.” Spencer has never felt less equipped to handle a situation. His years of learning everything there is to know haven’t prepared him for seeing the one person he cares about more than anyone else in the world so broken.

 “No. I- I want to tell you. But I need you to do me a favor afterward.” She sniffles, slowly looking into his eyes.

 “I’ll do anything you need me to.” His words are so sincere, it almost brings about another round of sobs.

 “After I tell you, I need you to tell everyone else. I just know I won’t be able to force myself to relive it more than once, so if I tell you, then you can tell everyone else because-”

 “I’ll remember exactly what you say.” He nods to himself, thinking she picked him for his memory rather than because of any potential feelings.

 “Well, yeah. But, also I wanted you to hear it from me. I wanted to tell you because I couldn’t bear the thought of you hearing it from anyone else. I wanted to look into your eyes when I say it all for the first time without being with my therapist because I know you will still look at me the same way afterward. You won’t treat me any different because you know what it’s like to feel like the baby of the group and as much as everyone else cares, with you it’s different. I just know you’ll understand what I need in a way nobody else will because you’ve always been able to read me, even when I tried to hide it.” She manages a weak smile in his direction, taking a deep breath to prevent anymore ramblings.

 “I don’t… I don’t know what to say. I- thank you for trusting me enough to be here for you.” For the first time since meeting Y/N, Spencer feels like she might feel the same way about him that he feels about her. Of course, now isn’t the time to act on it, but it still fills him with a confidence he would have otherwise been lacking.

 Before she starts talking again, Y/N reaches for Spencer’s hand. An action he would quickly come to understand is a big deal for her.

 “As far back as I can remember, I never had anyone who cared about me. My dad, he would hit my mom. When she got pregnant, she saw it as a way out. He stopped hitting her because she told him once I was born, he would have his own personal punching bag, but I had to actually be born for that to happen. I don’t really know when he started hitting me. If I was an infant or a toddler or whatever. But it’s all I can remember of them.” Spencer begins rubbing circles into her hand with his thumb when he hears her breathing speed up.

 “It was like that until I managed to tell one of my teachers there was something wrong. I was fifteen when I was placed in foster care. I switched between homes until I went to college on scholarship.” Spencer does his best to provide comfort to you, but he can tell there’s more to the story.

 “Freshmen year of college a met a guy. We started dating, and I thought I found someone who cared, ya know? But, he started to get angry at the smallest things. He would lash out, break things. One day he started hitting me, forcing me to do things.” She takes a shaky breath before continuing. “I was more prepared this time though. I had a therapist I could call. She helped me work up the courage to leave him. But then right after graduating I met another guy and it all turned out the same.” Silent tears pour down her face as she continues.

 “I felt trapped. Like there was no way for me to escape the cycle. No matter what I did differently I kept meeting people who hurt me to deal with their own pain. I gave it all up, figured I’d never find people who would care about me. I focused on work, made it to the BAU. On bad days, I would work out until I was so tired I couldn’t remember my own name let alone the things they had done to me. Then when I met all of you, it felt too good to be true. There was this whole team of people who suddenly cared about me. It was hard at first, to accept that it was real. But you have to know I never thought any of you would hurt me, it was just in my head that I would never have this kind of familial bond with anyone.

 This last case, I don’t know what it was about it, but I couldn’t stop seeing the evidence boards. The faces of women who were passed around from man to man as objects to abuse. So, I fell back into my old habit. Only, it didn’t work like it used to so I just kept going and going until I could escape.” The tears slowed as she managed to get everything off her chest. All that could be heard in the room was her ragged breaths.

 “Y/N, I… I can’t imagine how difficult that was to share.” Spencer shifted closer to her, but not too close in case she didn’t want the touch.

 “I’ve always felt like the team- like you would understand. I’ve been working on it in therapy actually. Figuring out a way to tell you all, but I guess I hit the proverbial wall first...” She’s shaking her head as she looks at the floor.

 “Hey, none of that. I know self-deprecation when I see it, and I will not tolerate it from you.” His words carry a gentle conviction. “You are truly one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. I’ve seen you take down unsubs three times your size with pure physical strength. I’ve also seen you talk an unsub down, saving countless lives without laying a hand on them. Never doubt that you are strong enough for this job, because you are one of the strongest people I know.”

 Spencer’s words bring tears to her eyes, but the happy kind this time. She throws her arms around him, snuggling as close as she can. Spencer, at first surprised by the contact, freezes. He quickly melts into her embrace, rubbing circles into her back until she falls asleep.

 Spencer manages to fill the team in via text, explaining enough that everyone understands what happened without having to go into too much detail. He helps her move to her bedroom, trying to prevent any more soreness. When she asks him to stay, he lays down by her side.

 The next morning she wakes up cuddled next to Spencer with several texts from her BAU family. Rossi invited everyone to his house for dinner, an offer she greatly appreciates.

 That night, the team shows her what it feels like to have a family over pasta and wine, a classic combination. In the future, they’ll continue to show her what family really is.

 Spencer will show her what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship. He’ll show her how it feels to be loved without living in constant fear. She’ll show him what it means to be loved for who you are.

 They’ll show each other what it means to be happy.

  tag list:

@mac99martin​

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid one shot #criminal minds x reader #Criminal Minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x y/n

[missfangirll]

Congrats on the followers!!! If I may ask, Jealousy, fluff, for Weilan? (if you're inspired of course!!!!)

Thank you for your ask 🥰

You didn’t specify who exactly is the jealous one, so I decided Shen Wei has to suffer 😈

But I tried to make it as fluffy as possible 😊🥰

Title is taken from the song "Honey, I'm good" by Andy Grammer.

  

I will stay true

It had all started with a hand.

With Zhao Yunlan’s hand, to be exact.

To be even more exact, with Zhao Yunlan’s hand on the back of a witness.

The hand in question had lingered there for exactly seventeen seconds – not that Shen Wei counted – and had proved to be a source of rising blood pressure for Shen Wei.

Why, or rather why now, he couldn’t tell. Zhao Yunlan had a habit of touching people, especially ones he was close to, which included an uncomfortably large number in Shen Wei’s opinion.

Not that he had an opinion about Zhao Yunlan touching people. Not at all.

So, the hand on the witness’ back, clearly meant to calm the person, had the exact opposite effect on Shen Wei, but before he could analyze his feelings further, Hei Pao Shi had to portal the suspect away, the incident leaving him with a slightly uneasy feeling for the rest of the day.

It had started with a hand and only worsened from there.

He had never before noticed just how comfortable Zhao Yunlan was with physical contact that wasn’t directed at Shen Wei himself. He half lay on Da Qing to look at a file, threw an arm around Lao Chu’s shoulder, put Xiao Guo in a headlock and ruffled Lin Jing’s hair. (He even made an attempt to pinch Zhu Hong’s cheek but aborted that mission as soon as he saw her face.)

It is his team, Shen Wei told himself, of course he would be comfortable with them. But Zhao Yunlan didn’t shy away from invading anyone’s personal space. Eventually, when he was flirting with a female police officer at a crime scene, Shen Wei had to violently stomp down the urge to walk over and kiss him senseless, just to make a point. Instead, he hid further in his hood and closed his eyes, willing his heart to resume beating.

Shen Wei very deliberately made a point to not examine the reason for his feelings, well aware that the answer to that lay in a lollipop and a promise made a lifetime ago. So he swallowed the bile in his throat and smiled, just like Kunlun had asked him to. Every time Zhao Yunlan smiled at a waiter, flirted with a secretary or gave a friend’s shoulder a jovial pat, he felt his stomach knot painfully and had to lower his gaze as not to let his pain show on his face.

Zhao Yunlan didn’t stop touching him, on the contrary, but Shen Wei found it increasingly strenuous to keep his body from responding too obviously. He wanted Zhao Yunlan to touch him, wanted to be the only one to have that privilege, and the resolve it took not to act on that desire left him feeling exhausted.

Kunlun had promised him a future, but he couldn’t be sure if this was it, if, this time, he was supposed to be the one asking for a smile, or if doing so would ruin everything. So he waited, and loved Zhao Yunlan in darkness and silence.

*

He reached his breaking point on a Tuesday.

On Friday evening, at the time Zhao Yunlan would normally return home, Shen Wei heard two voices in the corridor, one definitely Zhao Yunlan’s, the other he didn’t recognize. Intent not to eavesdrop, he retreated to his bedroom, which was farthest away from the door. He tried to occupy his mind by reading in a scientific journal, but gave up after he had read the same line a third time and still didn't know what the text was about.

A day later he was on his way to Zhao Yunlan’s apartment and had just opened the door, when he stopped abruptly. Across the hall stood a woman in her early twenties, long black hair and a very short dress, about to ring the doorbell. When Zhao Yunlan’s door opened, Shen Wei made a hasty retreat and silently closed his.

On Sunday, he didn’t even bother to go over, having seen the second pair of shoes on the doormat.

Thus, when Da Qing called him on Monday morning to tell him he was needed for a case, he felt like he hadn’t slept the whole weekend and was in an appropriately bad mood. After he had portaled in, he stubbornly focused on the crime scene photos, dodging Zhao Yunlan’s attempts to throw an arm around his shoulder or pat his knee, much to the other’s astonishment. He excused himself with urgent university matters only minutes later, leaving a confused Zhao Yunlan behind when he hastily portaled out. The rest of the day he hid in his office, ignoring his churning stomach and his phone, which had started to buzz in his desk drawer shortly after he had tossed it there.

He couldn’t face Zhao Yunlan, not even in a text message. He was behaving irrationally, he knew that, but seeing Zhao Yunlan – his Yunlan, his Kunlun – with other people made his insides freeze and his heart ache. No matter how much he reminded himself of the fact that Zhao Yunlan wasn’t his, he couldn’t ignore the pain that seared through him since he had seen… Well, he hadn’t seen anything, but his imagination insisted on presenting him a whole lot of possibilities he would have preferred not to consider.

He wanted Zhao Yunlan to be happy, he really did, but his soul screamed in agony when he realized that happiness might not include him.

When he finally left his office, he didn’t bother to take the phone. He didn’t know what to answer anyway. Later at home, after having stared at his dinner for an hour, he went to bed, tossing and turning restlessly.

He startled out of bed when he heard a rather insistent knock on his door. His alarm clock showed almost six in the morning, which meant he had slept for two hours. Drowsy and bleary-eyed he made his way to the entrance, hoping it wouldn’t be an emergency at the SID.

Outside the door, in shorts, a ratty t-shirt and without shoes, stood Yunlan, a sheepish smile on his face.

Shen Wei was suddenly wide awake. “Have you locked yourself outside? I can open your door if you –”

He was interrupted when Zhao Yunlan made a step into his apartment, suddenly standing very close to Shen Wei, giving him a considering look.

“I wanted to see you”, he said slowly, not breaking eye contact. Shen Wei closed his mouth and stepped back, motioning him in. When Zhao Yunlan sat down in the center of the living room couch, Shen Wei encountered another dilemma: sitting on the sofa would bring him very close to Yunlan, while choosing the armchair next to it would seem strange, given their past closeness. He swallowed and sat down on the armchair.

Zhao Yunlan had watched his movements and now fixed him with a gaze that Shen Wei couldn’t interpret. He shivered unconsciously and the other’s eyebrow shot up.

“Are you alright, Hei Lao Ge?”

Shen Wei winced at the title and stared at his lap. “Why wouldn’t I be? I am perfectly fine, thank you, Zhao Yunlan.”

When he felt a hand on his knee, he looked up, and the look in the other’s eyes made his breath catch. They were burning hot with emotion, dark and intense. Shen Wei began to understand how mice must feel when a snake stared down at them. He swallowed again and tried a reassuring smile, which apparently had the opposite effect, because the grip on his knee tightened.

“Shen Wei.” Zhao Yunlan tried again. “Talk to me. Are you mad at me? Have I said something stupid again? I swear, when I said you ate all –“

“I am not mad.”

Zhao Yunlan blinked at the sudden outburst and raised his eyebrow again. “Well, maybe you’re not mad at me, but clearly something is wrong.” He fixed Shen Wei. “Talk to me.”

Shen Wei closed his eyes and stayed silent. He didn’t trust his face at the moment, much less his voice.

“Xiao Wei.” A hand on his cheek, in addition to that name, made him shrink back. His resolution was crumbling and the last thing he needed now was Yunlan touching him.

Touching him like he had… Like he did with… His stomach turned again at the thought and he opened his eyes, sitting up straighter.

“Nothing is wrong, Zhao Yunlan, I assure you. You can go back to your apartment now. It is quite early.” He inhaled shakily. “I assume you are missed there.” Before he could stop himself, the sentence had made its way out, and Zhao Yunlan’s other eyebrow joined the first. He didn’t answer, just gave him such a scrutinizing look that Shen Wei had to force himself not to recede further into the chair.

After what felt like another ten thousand years, Zhao Yunlan moved. First, Shen Wei thought he really would leave, but then he took a step closer and in a fluent motion, knelt in front of Shen Wei’s armchair between his legs. Shen Wei swallowed hard.

Zhao Yunlan placed one hand on his thigh, the other reached up to cup his cheek.

“Xiao Wei”, he said again, with a warmth and tenderness Shen Wei only hazily remembered from a different life. “Xiao Wei, what do you think I did last weekend?”

Shen Wei refused to answer and only shook his head miserably.

Zhao Yunlan sighed fondly and caressed his cheek, smiling at him. “I am guessing you saw Wen Yao and Bai Yukun last weekend?” It wasn’t a question and Shen Wei didn’t answer. “Well, I didn’t sleep with either of them, if that’s what you’re concerned about.” He shrugged, and Shen Wei found himself coughing violently, staring wide-eyed at the other man. “I didn’t… I don’t…”, he wheezed.

Zhao Yunlan chuckled softly, stroking a thumb over Shen Wei’s cheekbone, and it took all of his crumbling self-control not to lean into the touch. The other man continued, sounding slightly amused. “They are Dixingren, Shen Wei. Friends of Zhu Hong.” He gave Shen Wei a meaningful look. “I asked them to tell me more about Dixing. Its history and traditions and stuff. Lao Wen is a historian, I believe you met him at the conference last month. Amazing you didn’t recognize him.” Shen Wei shrank into his chair. “Oh”, he managed.

“Yeah, and A-Kun is a wedding planner.”

Shen Wei suddenly had the very peculiar feeling of all oxygen leaving the room.

“A... wedding… planner…”, he squeezed out, “Why would….” He couldn’t finish that question, he really didn’t want to know.

Zhao Yunlan grinned at him, seemingly unfazed by his predicament. “I asked her about Dixing traditions because I wanted to ask you out, stupid.”

Oh.

Oh.

Shen Wei’s brain was still busy processing that information, when Zhao Yunlan leaned in and kissed him. He tasted of toothpaste and home, and Shen Wei couldn’t suppress a sigh. He leaned into the kiss, trailing the tip of his tongue over Yunlan’s lips and shivered with anticipation when they opened for him. When their tongues met, he closed his eyes and let himself be drawn into the other’s heat.

When they parted, Zhao Yunlan leaned his forehead against Shen Wei’s, breathing heavily, his whole face split into a wide grin. “Xiao Wei”, he said, and caressed the other’s bottom lip with his thumb, “would you go on a date with me?”

#Anonymous #guardian #镇魂 guardian #guardian fic #shen wei #zhao yunlan #weilan #fluff #my writing