What is the right time? In our very finite time on this earth, what is the right time to do something? When is the right time to finish studying? When is the right time to be successful? When is the right time to fall in love? When is the right time to say ’ I love you ’ to someone? When the is right time to marry them? When is the right time to introduce them to your family and hope it goes well? When is the right time to rebel? When is the right time to run away?
I’m 25 and some months. When is the right time to marry for me? Why is anything done beyond a certain age defined by a society that is always ready to shit on you and stifle every thought that is not in assonance with theirs considered the wrong time? Why is everything then considered a compromise? Why is anyone who doesn’t want this considered an outlier, a deviant from the accepted norm? How do I change this? How do I change this for me?
My parents want me to fall into this rut, a life of mediocrity, where someone who makes a lot of money will marry me cause I’m pretty enough to bear him white looking children, he’ll learn to love me, I’ll learn to move around him, to adjust to him, to live with him, but I sure as hell will never be in love with him.
Getting used to someone and caring for them because they’re around us is not being in love.
How do I make them come around the idea that I want to explore love; that I’ve never done it in the past because I always thought of their reactions first and my feelings later, that this time around I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t stop how I feel, that this is not a ploy to get out of being with someone of their choice.
How do I get the freedom to explore? Should I have done this earlier so that I wouldn’t feel like I’m suffocating every second of everyday? It feels like theirs an invisible noose around my neck that they pull with their manipulation everytime they want me to do something their way.
They’re not wrong in the way they are thinking, a comfortable life for me with a guy who makes money. That’s how everyone wants their daughters’ lives to be. But what about what I want? Is their a right time to have had made money, a certain amount, an unbelievable salary? Because I know they’ll accept everything about my choice, but the part about money, and putting pressure on someone to succeed in a hurry for a relationship that’s not even 3 months old. When is the right time for me to tell him that he’s it, there will be none better than him ever, you know without spooking him out, that I’m not saying this because he’s my first, that he’s my first because I feel that way about him
I am so overthinking everything, but he is everything actually. He really is. There’s a reason no one before him made sense.
I’m only 25, why does it feel like I’m lifting the whole world on my shoulders? I don’t want this burden, I don’t want anything, I don’t even want this life.
I told him I’m in a good mood today, why do I say things like that, nothing good ever sticks around with me, not even the mood, except for him.