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pinkvhs · 5 years

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JSE Ego Content

( UPDATED FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2018 )

this was a post I made as an answer for my friend a while back. Here is a full info dump of everything I know so far when it comes to Seán’s ego stuff.

Please add on or send me info if you got more.

Heads up, its a long read.

Here is a mayhem2k18 master post and Here is another post describing past events too

Mayhem2018 or Mayhem2k18 is also a tag people used this year to talk about the mass ego videos Sean did back in May so there might be more posts there too that I missed!

Egopocalypse is another tag too!

So basically, back in August of 2016 we were first introduced to Marvin the Magnificent during a Jacksepticeye Power Hour. At first these videos were named different titles but Sean changed them to be the introduction videos to his characters. Marvin is a magician video and it ends with him getting frustrated with magic and ends up coloring a cat mask. Thats the only video to this day that we have of him until later in May of 2018 when we got a mask hiding in the background on Sean’s white board both on his Insta story, during the Am I Color Blind video, and on his Twitch stream. However, when someone pointed it out during the stream he went for a bathroom break and when it cut back the mask was gone. Later on in videos like First Winter it is debated if Marvin shows up in a glitch near the end of the video because people have pointed out a shot of him wearing the mask. He also seems to briefly show up in a glitch like form in Try To Fall Asleep along with Jameson Jackson (who I’ll get to in a bit). Its also debated if Marvin is actually powerful since during Sean’s tour it was asked what the egos majored in with college and he said “magicians don’t go to college but maybe literature so he can say some Shakespeare as he sends you into the mirror dimension.” But again, it is unsure. He is also suppose to have long hair as stated that Sean liked the idea of long hair Marvin over some fanart he saw and during the tour he mentioned that Marvin wanted a haircut for his birthday. The most recent we have seen him November during Sean’s tour he posted a photo of him dressed up as Marvin on his instagram story with a wig and mask a fan gave him

Next is Jackieboy Man, a superhero character who was introduced in July 2016. He has been in videos like south park for game play, however, Sean has said those videos are not canon. It also seems like he shows up in Ninja Sex Party’s music video Cool Patrol and some fans think this is Jackie’s back story but that has yet to be confirmed so it is mostly a fun thing. There is sadly nothing of major or hints of him except for an occasional “Where is Jackieboy Man when you need him?” from Sean during the summer of this year. We don’t know much about him at all he is in a similar boat as Marvin.

Next is Henrik von Schneeplestein or Doctor Schneepletein. He is a doctor character we first saw in September of 2016. When it comes to medical videos like Bio Inc he shows up. He is a German doctor who has a family but there seems to be some issues with that as it was briefly mentioned in his first appearance. In August of 2017, Kill Jacksepticeye was posted and it involves him, Jack, and Antisepticeye. After the events of what seems to be Say Goodbye, Jack is dying and Henrik doesn’t want to lose him again. Henrik is good friends with Jack along with Chase Brody and has saved him before and got Chase help (who I will get to soon). Slowly during that video, Henrik begins to be taken over by Anti. He starts to laugh manically, tries to “hang” himself with his own headphone cords, each time he says antidepressants the word Anti is emphasized and glitches / echoes sounding. More glitches occur on screen both to Henrik as his eye bleeds, voice changes, and begins to beg for us (the viewer) to please help him, “I need your help! Save Jack Anti “. It ends with Jack dying and Henrik crying out for his friend and it cuts to black. Then Anti appears. Since then, it was months since anyone has heard of Henrik till Sean uploaded a postcard saying Wish You Were here with a beach that can be found in Germany. Then the start of Mayhem 2018 happens with The Doctor is Back . Its a doctor game but “Doctor Jacksepticeye” plays it but the video ends with Henrik opening the door and Jack seeing him asking “Who are you?” and Henrik being angry saying “I am the good doctor and that is MY chair!” and it ending there. Since then we haven’t heard or seen Henrik.

Chase Brody we were introduced to in April of 2017. He is a dad who runs a Dude Perfect like parody channel called Bro Average. He seems like a happy fun dad who is energetic and kind of like a “suh dude” kind of guy. Later in his video we see he is having family issues with his wife and she is taking their kids away from him. It cuts to him sitting down on the phone talking to Stacy, his wife, back to him doing trick shots and playing with nerf guns and a puppet named Chad, then back to him sitting down asking her to “please just let me see the kids”. He briefly gets on the phone with one of his children saying “hi sweetie, daddy loves you “ but getting cut off and him crying (comedically but still). It then cuts to him being passive aggressively angry but still smiling and doing tricks. It ends with him putting a nerf gun to his head and pretending to shoot himself and falls to the ground. However he gets up and is fine at the very end. The next video we hear from his is Stories Untold, at the end of the video we hear him calling out to his friend Jack saying “Jack! Jack! This is Chase…you need to wake up” with the morse code saying “Where Am I”. The know for sure we see him in is May 2018 with TIE, a game about depression. This slowly grows from Jack playing and cuts to him being in Chase’s shirt explaining how his friend is in a coma and how things have been rough for him and he wishes things could go back to how they were “Back to when I was happy. When I had people in my life”. It is also revealed that this whole time we have been watching Chase take over the channel for Jack since he is in a coma. It then cuts to a live action bit with Chase sitting in a dark candle lit room, sitting alone, face hidden as he drinks many cups whiskey and looks at and old photo (assumed to be his family) and cries. He then walks off leaving his hat on the table and the video ending there. The next video, as confirmed by Robin (Sean’s friend and editor), was Dark Silence. At the end of the video we see Chase walking around his house with a lighter hearing children’s screams and cries. He walks up the stairs and the whole hallway turns red. Standing in front of him is Anti with his back turned and then slowly turning around. Chase screams out “Where are they?! What do you want from me?!” as Anti walks towards him in a new glitchy way and the video cuts to black. The only recent theory of him being in a recent video was 60 Parsecs with the mentions of Stacy. Sean is also the most excited to go deeper into Chase’s character as talked about recently this year. He was also mentioned in The Watson Scott Test video with the “wake up Ja-” “Ch@se” and face camera glitches.

Jameson Jackson is the newest character of his and was introduced in Halloween of 2017. He is a silent film type of character that you would see in old 1920s films with the dialogue appearing on title slides. It starts off with Jack giving his intro and it fading / cutting to him dressed as Jameson or JJ. The video is cheery for the most part and he is carving pumpkins but later on it spirals when he slips and cuts his hand with a knife and is in pain. Anti once again shows up and seems to have possessed him as he makes neck slicing gestures to JJ’s neck, slides saying “watching” “puppets” “smile” “still here”, holding up the knife used to carve the pumpkin, laughing, and music takes an eery turn. He removes JJ’s mustache while grinning but also cuts back to JJ still having. But then it stops and JJ seems fine and cheery then the video ends with an outro too. As mentioned, he then seems to be in Try To Fall Asleep with Marvin back in May of this year. The next video we have any word of him was Akinator when Sean tried to see if the game would guess JJ. Here we got that JJ is British, but also didn’t get many answers to things such as “is your character a puppet”. Along with glitches in that video too and it ending on a note with Jack screaming into a dark, static, broken septiceye sam tank outro screen. There is also apparently Anti’s laugh at the end too. Its also seems that JJ is mute or has no voice again as stated that for his birthday Jameson wants a voice

AAAANNND for the glitch himself, Antisepticeye. First video back in October 10th of 2016. The concept of Anti has been around awhile, some calling him darksepticeye, but this was the first time Sean actually started to have fun and turn him into a character. During October of 2016 there were many Anti videos in places people today, and even during the time, didn’t think he would be. [playlist of all October 2016 Anti videos and a few 2017 vids ] However, the major appearance we see him in was Say Goodbye where Jack carves pumpkins and things slowly start being strange like giggling, camera glitches, Jack’s nose bleeding, him hearing footsteps and noises in his house. It escalates where Jack looks dead in the camera and with a shakey hand, slices his neck with a knife and falls dead into the pumpkin. Anti then gains control of Jack’s body and laughs as he reaches out to the camera and it cuts to black with a distant “HELP ME!” yell coming from Jack. It fades to Anti laughing, waving his knife at us and himself as he talks about how Jack is gone forever with it ending “say goodbye”. He then shows up again for a Pax panel opening video in March 2017 called Always Watching. Again, its Jack talking to the people at the panel and the screen starts to glitch and Anti shows up again saying that “he is always there. always watching” till it ends saying “enjoy the show”. This was more of a fun Pax intro than anything but its still an Anti appearance. August of 2017, Kill Jacksepticeye is when we see him in video next but before that Jack had left pictures and other things leading up to his appearance so we were all on edge. But then again, this is nothing new. Once the screen fades to Anti he says “Who do you think you’ve been watching this entire time? My puppets” and “I wonder what will happen to your favorite boy next time?” meaning, all the other characters are in control of Anti and are his “puppets” and our favorite can die next time we see them again. Next video he is in is Jameson Jackson’s in October 2017 and then Overnight Watch in December 2017. This happened during Jacksepticeye’s Holiday Special charity live stream but Sean pokes fun and denies this ever happened (even though it infact did). From then on we didn’t hear from Anti until May of this year with his full body and completely different appearance in Dark Silence. Leading up to this, its important to note that the colors red & blue are shown throughout mayhem like an indication that yes, this is an ego video. Since before that, Jack(or Chase) wakes up from a nightmare with whispers saying “I remember what he did to me” at the end of Stories Untold and seem to go together due to the noises. Not too long after Dark Silence, Exiles was uploaded and it has an abrupt Jack showing up on screen confused as to where he is until he finds out he is in the hospital. It ends abruptly with Jack staring blank in the camera, his eyes and mouth opened and gasping for air as blood runs down his eyes with whispers saying “you did this its all your fault” and the ending screen is Sam covered in red light playing in reverse while a siren goes off and some think its an evacuation or warning siren . Shortly after that First Winter is uploaded and close to the middle of the playthrough it shows a dead Jack looking at the camera with blood still running down his face along with a door opening. There was also added Anti bits in the audio that some believe he is saying “Let me out ” along with other things that were not part of the game audio. Close to the end of the game, Jack expresses how “he has never been happier to be home” when even more Anti glitches happen and it seems like a body is walking behind him. Now the most recent Anti appearances are from Transference of September 21st, 2018 . The first video there was nothing (from what I know of) but the second video there are plenty of hidden Dark Silence Anti moments that are VERY hard to spot the first time viewing. He was then brought back with Three Scary Games 1 Video. There are Many glitches that happened in face camera and an eerily similar pitched voice is spoken. There was also a glitch transition in Four Scary Games 1 Video. He was also mentioned in The Watson Scott Test video with the face camera glitches and as mentioned the text of the game being manipulated (thanks Robin). The Next Anti video is from December 1st with Umfend (also titles Time Is Broken..subtle) it has glitches once again and with a very ominous “Do you remember?”. The most recent, December 7th 2018 is where at the end of Sally Face Chapter 4 part 1 with the Sam ending screen being completely glitched out and having distorted audio (also wanting us to watch to the end)

Some other mentions are:

Sean changing the FNAF Sister Location video titles back in August of 2018 and how the description has been this from the start

Sean changing his twitter header to Anti after Dark Silence

Some skeptical connections with Chase and some other Power Hours

Sean possibly hinting the First Winter video since the first Stories Untold video. He has done date hinting in thumbnails in the past.

Comparisons to Anti now and other Anti videos

Sean reblogged this post with Chase and Anti involving Dark Silence

There is also connections with Jack’s fears and Anti where Sean talked about his fears during the Visage play through

Sean has also said that we have missed some things in his videos before and that alone is enough to make me want to commit perish

There was no major video of Antisepticeye on Halloween 2018 or another Jameson Jackson video

Sean does want to make more ego content and is excited about it. He talked about it during a Reading Your Comments video late November of 2018

SO OVERALL

#.txt #long post #jacksepticeye #i THINK thats a good summary of things for now #there are smaller bits here and there i missed yeah but i just wanted to keep for the most part major like stuff

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mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune · 4 years

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Note To Self, Get Gem To Repel Asmodeus. lol

yeah after my ask being answered about the whole

"so hypothetical question, what would happen if a female descendant of King Solomon, ends up enslaving Asmodeus? maybe it would be a good thing if that doesn't happen, he might mistake it as "marriage"....but what would you suppose would happen if that did happen...?"

and they replied with "He will definitely try to turn this ‘enslavement’ around and gain her fancy and maybe even try and seduce her, leading to a soul deal perhaps. Then he’ll go around calling it a ‘business marriage’."

(by the way thanks for the reply to that ask. :) )

even if it is a fictional version of Asmodeus we were talking about, but still

if it comes to the real deal, I would like to have a gem as a form of protection.

then again I think the new gem I got that is kind of small and Angel shaped might do the trick, I know the reason why I got it in the first place, of course it had nothing to do with Asmodeus.

it has to do with something that happen when I was still asleep, and something that felt really real....even if it was for a moment, it was enough to scare me awake. I rather not go on to what it was, but it is one of the reasons why I got that angel shaped gem that I sleep with under my pillow, and I think if I remember right, is the reason why I got the bracelet I have now in the first place too.

Black Obsidian, has to do with Authenticity, Truth and Shielding From Negativity.

and ya know, even though the real Angel Samael, ain’t my fave because what I read what he may have done and perhaps may have fathered Cain and Cain’s twin sister....(who Cain was suppose to have hated when they were still in the womb.)

but if a fictional didn’t do the bad thing that Samael did, then I guess I would want to give that version a big hug and be happy that he is not fully like the one he is based on....

as for the original that isn’t toon like, well I got this to say....

I still want to punch him in the face, I have my reasons

and I’m sure some of you know those very reasons....

I mean yeah I not only find out I’m a descendant of King Solomon

but then I find out ya know, the whole Cain thing....

even if what some people say is true about Samael being like Cain’s real dad or whatever, or like Adam being the dad but still wasn’t there to protect Eve with what happen...

but still, I still would like to punch him in the face, he gets no hugs.

I still worry I might be a Empath, and I know I did talk about before some post back of the possibility of me being a Earth Angel...

I mean yeah it does turn out some Earth Angels are Empath

but it also turns out that not of them are,

at least that is what I remember reading.

by the way, I had discovered that I am a type of Ace/Aroflux.

I still find romance interesting, and still love shipping.

and anyway I know some might not accept that I believe in both God and Goddess, or that I have theorized that when the words say “Honor Father and Mother.” it might be speaking of the Divine Father and Divine Mother.

and it could be possible the “Sky Gods” and “Warrior Gods” that the warlike Indo-Europeans had seemed to worshiped.

in theory, it could be possible that some were “Sky Angels” and “Warrior Angels” in there, but I’m not 100% sure.

it could be possible that if some of them were “Warrior Angels” they could very well be type of Sky Angels as well.

the balance seem to be becoming better, but no one has to be forced into believing about the whole Divine Feminine or Divine Mother, after only believing in just the Divine Father for so long.

people who might just learned of her, should try to see the truth on his or her or their own and shouldn’t be forced into believing not of their free will.

it takes time and patience for such a thing.

and ya really don’t want to be like those who have done disgusting acts either very aggressive or passive aggressive to get someone to convert to a religion.

I mean yeah I’m technically a Christian (but I still want to change how I refer myself as one, because of reasons, like still go by “Christian” but maybe not adding “Neo”, but what else is there...?”)

but I do have some Jewish heritage too, as I had found out.

and I have heard about what some christians are doing during whats going on now, I mean that is just reckless and irresponsible to just go to Church

when your suppose to stay home because of whats happening now.

they really should think about their health and the safety of themselves and others first, before they do something so stupid that might place themselves in danger like that.

that is a Toxic-Christian move....yeah even if it might sound mean, it ain’t a name for all Christians....just certain ones, like some who view “Sans The Skeleton as the work of the devil”, those who make threats to convert people into Christianity or else they will go to “H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS”

but at least it ain’t as worse as what people did back then, like saying those who don’t convert will be killed....and like I mention before, I have some Cherokee heritage.

the best thing to do when it comes to those Toxic-Christians types, is just best to maybe just talk once in a while what they are doing is wrong, and maybe just try to ignore them and try to hope they will stop doing that.

plus I could think far worse to do to certain satanic cults that do certain sacrifices.....but still even though it would be just thoughts, I can only hope those people get karma for the lives they have hurt....

I should try to ignore the thoughts that involve them...

even if someone has a kind heart, that kindness can become defensive in a way, when it comes to the innocent lives, either it be animal or a child.

and you really REALLY do not want to know what I am thinking what those cults who dare do unspeakable things.

even if it does turn out not all those cults are doing it....

the ones who are, well...I’m not sure they will ever get mercy for the things they have done....and I rather not talk too much or think about it.

I need to try to have positive thoughts.

I can’t let those disgusting humans put too much negative thoughts to me.

yeah there is some other stuff I am worried about, but I think things will work out with that other stuff.

and to bring a little light mood to the mix, and not talk about those humans....

the only way that toon version of Asmodeus (that I was asking about)

could catch my fancy

is if he was liked by my precious baby aka my second cat

and catching my fancy with video games, art supplies, music, maybe some interesting cartoons, movies, comics some books that I’m interested in.

plus it might not be possible for him to seduce me.

as the song of Shania Twain goes

“that don’t impress me much.”

hmm...even if it would be in a fictional sense, but like this has to do with that ask I had asked before.

like what would that version of Asmodeus do,

if he found out that not only that fictional female descendant was a descendant of King Solomon, but also Angel Samael as well because of the whole “Cain” thing...?

I mean if that last part is true anyway.

not sure if that fictional universe’s Angel Samael has the same history as the one that is suppose to be from the universe we are in now.

but if he did, but in a different way, it be interesting if he got Protective and chased Asmodeus around with sword and telling him to stay away from his descendants....then again that is just a thought, no one has to take that seriously.

plus it is better to speak of that in a form of a what if type of way,

than talking about those humans that do certain things, like those cults or toxic-christian.

and I know I said this over at deviantart before

but I will say it on here too, I think I’m not really all that good with people.

I mean it does seem I am better with plants and animals (well not all animals.)

then I am with people, even though there can be some that do get me.

there are some who tend to hurt me emotionally, because of a misunderstanding that is misinterpreted far beyond the normal acceptable misunderstandings that can be fixed right away.

I still would like to try again with trying to grow flowers, and maybe try with a bigger pot, yeah the flowers I was going in the small one lasted a little longer but they didn’t end up living very long and it might of been because of the small pot.

but yeah if it turns out I’m a Earth Angel, I know I’m not a very good one.

since people do tend to misinterpret me and it does at times, lead me to being worked up and well, I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen again

or if it still does still happen, I can at least try to make those that have misunderstood, try to understand what they thought was wrong, and they had misinterpreted my words....and there is a new misunderstanding at the moment, but I’m not gonna rush it, and just gonna wait.

I think, me spending time to myself even while working and updating some stuff on quotev (though there seems to be a bit of a problem I am having with it at the moment, but I can only hope it will be fixed soon, but just in case, I will have some of my stuff on there, be placed in a safe place, just to be safe if I have to do a certain thing, that had to do with some kind of mix up...maybe it was a misunderstanding...?)

but yeah, as I was saying, I think spending time to myself and even that other thing, has really helped me.

plus I need to make sure to not let myself get too negative

by my own emotions, or if possible from other negative feelings I might be picking up.

no one has agree with me on it

but it still could be possible I might be a type of Empath.

plus I can’t help but believe that the seizures I use to have

might of been caused by both people I was in a same place with in real life

and by negative forces.

the only time I didn’t get them, was in certain places in the towns I had lived before.

but ever since I moved to the town I am now, that is very far away from the other ones that where the seizures happened at.

I haven’t had them since.

I do have a theory on why my first seizure happened when I was a baby

and it might have to do with the fact I might of absorbed the very bad negative energy that the cemetery my family walked by when I was a baby.

it could be the reason for both my seizure and fever.

though I guess my family and other people might not agree with it.

but I still think it is possible.

babies are really sensitive to the supernatural, so if a baby was born a empath they might end up becoming sick and have a seizure if exposed too much to the negative force in a cemetery, even if it just a walk through it.

and I know this might be strange, but even when I am in the living room

at times I feel the need to retreat back in my room, where I feel most safe.

pretty sure I had read somewhere that even Earth Angels do that,

or was it Empaths....?

well at least I have gems to protect me in different ways.

but yeah the need isn’t just when I feel tired and would just end up going back in my room because I’m going to go to sleep.

but like, a different reason.

and yeah the ask I had asked before was of course to brightgoat.

and if it were possible,

I think I would want to give their version of Samael a big hug.

as for other Samael, well like I said before...that one don’t get hugs

the one that could possibly be Cain’s biological dad (if how he fathered him is true), gets a punch to the face.

and I got to say that Asmodeus might be able to make a soul deal with that fictional descendant and might be able to seduce her.

but I don’t think it is possible to try to hold on to a wild soul, in theory some souls that were born a certain way, could prove too wild.

and empath souls could end up in theory projecting on to those around them.

like this is just a “what if”, like if Cuphead starts crying out of the blue, even if he is laughing at first.

or Mugman starts raging and threaten Mr. Wheezy even if he himself seem calm and all smiles before going all mad and making threats.

this in theory, could be result of the empath souls that are without their proper vessels they were born into.

and it might be possible that the only ones that could calm those types of souls down, would be the divine mother or their twin flame.

no one has to agree about that or take it seriously.

but yeah even I don’t think Asmodeus would be able to seduce some of the granddaughters fictional or not, of King Solomon.

pretty sure Lilith is a immune to his charms though.

so it might be possible even a fictional descendant of King Solomon,

would be a immune to Asmodeus too.

now I am going to go back to watching Gravity Falls.

I like the weird, embrace the weird!

plus being weird and silly keeps me happy.

you know the weird thought I had...

about brightgoat’s Asmodeus, singing “You’ll Be Back” song from that Hamilton Musical.

well that would be interesting, I did have thoughts of Lilith singing congratulation, like her being “Angelica”

and the “Eliza” in the song, being the Eve that replaces her.

and it would make sense if Lilith sang the part “and a million years ago, she said to me this ones mine.” and that she stood by, and she says why

that she loves her sister more than anything in this life

and she would choose her happiness hers every time

and that “Eve” is the best thing in theirs lives,

and Adam should give her the best life.

by the way, it would seem we might have to wait a little longer for that Cuphead Show to come on....

but maybe it will show this year, don’t know.

but if it doesn’t then it might be next year.

and well I think after I finished watching season 1 of Gravity Falls,

I will go take a nap, because I’m kind of tired.

I think I will sign back on tomorrow, to check out some updates.

and I don’t think I want to have a accidental enslavement with the real Asmodeus,

even if the whole him throwing Solomon to the other side of another kingdom is true, and it kind of ended up causing him to meet his wife who falls in love with him and ya know, then he goes back and gets his ring back.

I mean that part of the story can’t be true right?

guess it’s best not to think too much about it.

plus there could be worse things then accidentally making Asmodeus a servant, even with ya having the blood of Solomon.

and better the fictional descendant XD

anyway I really should go now

please remember to stay inside and keep washing your hands doing whats going on right now, and don’t do like those other Christians have been doing

going to church anyway, and even going as far as

to say the government is trying to take their rights away or whatever.

this has nothing to do with that, it has to do with your dang safety and well being.....

and no matter what some Christians say

the bride is NOT the church, or is it the whole lot of people who are christians.

that is really enough of that nonsense....

it is just as bad as with that whole how some believe that whole thing about those who are left handed just automatically being sinners.

it doesn’t matter if your right or left handed, anyone can be that way.

at least not all Christians are like that, and wont say that about those who are left handed and have sense enough to stay home during a quarantine.

anyway again please stay inside, stay safe,

wash your hands and keep healthy everybody.

PS:

Just in case I am a Empath and Earth Angel

I’m still doing the gem plan, that will keep me safe.

and even if I am able to go a little longer without wearing a necklace with a gem on it for so long, I still get the urge of needing to wear it.

I don’t wear it when I go to sleep though, I keep them under my pillow when I go to sleep.

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yande-re-blog1 · 7 years

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Life Update

So, I did say on here that i was moving to san antonio for the summer, maybe longer, but due to what happened the night before i moved out, im not going back to illinois.

here’s a video of what happened, after the worst of it had already passed, for anyone who is curious or doubts me.

basically, that video was taken after my stepmother got home from indiana from her overnight trip. anyone whos followed me for a while probably knows that i have some issues with her

as soon as she got home, she completely tore into me. that video was after the worst of it, actually, and the worst of it was around the time that she made me get on a scale and made fun of me for my weight (as a note, she’s incredibly overweight, im average and have gained about 10 lbs from hormones), screamed “FUCK YOU!” at me and then got mad at me for cursing when i asked my dad “what the hell did i do??”, and then told me i should go sleep in the car and nearly made me do it. she told me that im taking advantage of my partner and his family and that i have no responsibility or drive and that im crazy and that this won’t work out. she told me im disrespectful and terrible and that no one will want me and that spawned a lot of bad body issues that ive been dealing with for the past week.

the video i linked was taken when she started screaming about how she was going to go through my things since i hadnt yet cleaned out my drawers. for context, she never told me to do this, and it was also 10 pm and i had to catch a flight at 8 am the next day which means getting up at 4 am since im autistic and airports are hard for me and i need to be there early. i was tired and she hadn’t told me to do this before and as you can hear in the video, i started begging for her not to go through my things. she ended up doing so anyways and i had a full-on breakdown afterwards. other stuff happened that night but it was along the same lines as this.

everything got better once i was at the airport. there was literally no trouble. i got a wheelchair and someone to help me since my ticket was labelled with ‘intellectual disability’ (id called ahead the night before to tell them about my disability). the flight went fine. i touched down at about 11 am in san antonio and it was so warm and nice and my boyfriend was there to help me with my bags. we talked for a long time since he’d helped me through my anxiety attack the night before after all the screaming, and we met up with his sister (who i love). i showed them the video i took and they looked--horrified? idk if that’s the right word for it. and then i started tellng them about everything else. they both told me that they want me to live in texas full time and i said id look into schooling and everything.

and, well, it’s great here. i fucking love it. my in laws are awesome people. my sister in law and i hang out all the time and i call my partner’s mother ‘mom’ and i get to hang out with him all the time too. i have my own space as well and the weather here is nice and warm and there’s 4 cats to keep me company too. im in the process of getting all the details worked out (for example, they live in a strong gated community so im confined to a 1 mile radius when im alone until they can get me on the list of residents, shouldnt be long though). the school here looks like it’s able to transfer 3 years worth of credits and im working on finding a job. everything is actually pretty great. the only bad thing is that my allergies have gone absolutely nuts, but that’s calming down a little. i think it’s just due to me being a northerner suddenly moving about as far south as the US gets (i only pray that im not allergic to cats)

my mental health has been a lot better. im a lot happier. ive started reading and collecting books again. i do think about my body image a lot though because of the weight stuff my stepmother said and im terrified that if im not attractive then ill be sent back to illinois which i know no one would do and i know that sounds shallow but w/e. ive been having a ton of nightmares about that sort of stuff (having to go back to illinois) but i can imagine that stuff will get better with time.

ive decided that im going to get accepted to the college here and work out all my work and credit stuff and then write a letter of no contact to my step mother. ive decided to be very politely aggressive--different from passive aggressive, basically saying exactly what i think but leaving out all the swears--during it and will bring up specific things, such as asking her if she thinks it was really appropriate for her to make fun of my weight and asking if she’d be alright with someone saying that to her and asking whether or not she thinks it’s alright to call your child a bitch for not wanting to text every morning. itll have to be after i get everything worked out, though.

overall, im very happy. i still have some work to do but im in a much better place than i have been. i made a decision to fuck everything and leave and im not going to turn back. sometimes, i think, there doesn’t have to be a lot of planning. sometimes you’ve just had enough and it’s time to go. i hit that point the night before i was supposed to leave. fuck living like that. im not going back.

#lms if you read #or reply #replies are very cool actually

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trustafarian-theserialfiction · 4 years

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“trustafarian” part 14: you meet girl, you move in, she go March 22, 2016 1:17 pm

Just under four months: that was the safe decompression time in his mother’s head? Four months and it was the incoming call alert he’d been dreading. He’d accidentally gone online on skype when he’d restarted his laptop and it had automatically detected the hidden wifi network before he could close the auto-starting messenger. "Why don’t you ever call, I know your service provider does free long distance within Canada, now.” Looked that up did you? “Well that’s all right, you’ve probably been busy looking for a job out there—have you tried applying for a job at a bank? There are so many banks and you can really climb the corporate ladder starting in a bank. You know Sharon Mitchell?” Dan did, his parents drank wine every new year at Sharon Mitchell’s house. They never saw her except at these parties. He and his sisters had had to go to their grandparents place for new year’s, to be kept out of trouble (right until he’d moved out), because it wasn’t really a everyone-bring-your-kids kind of soiree and Sharon Mitchell’s kids didn’t attend either. “Her daughter just graduated highschool and she’s been promoted at her after-school teller job to a desk job talking people through their insurance. She could end up as a bank manager or…oh I don’t know, it’s just something to think about.” It’s just something you think about. “You know, I’m glad you’re not…I’m glad you made this change in your life,” I didn’t make this change. “I know you’re not planning on going back to school but you should really consider it, you could pay off a student loan in a few years. You’re so smart, Daniel,” no, I’m not “you could do anything you want,” as long as it’s something-to-say at new year’s, about your perfect year and perfect family and life and how well everything is going for everyone close to you because of your own phony perfection, “and I just think you’d do better in the academic stream than you think.” She was starting to slip, her Betty Crocker buoyancy was turning into irritation. He guessed he was making a sour face at her that translated despite the video quality. He was sitting in the empty kitchen, his laptop next to the bowl of crumble he’d found left for him on top of it when he’d come upstairs a few minutes ago. He really wanted to eat it and wished he hadn’t opened the laptop to watch youtube while he did. “Look at your sisters, they’ve both been published, even though they’re in the private sector now,” sure, published, whatever the hell that means. Blog posts were a kind of publishing, who cared. “Don’t get me wrong! I never wanted to be a trail-blazer either, I know exactly how you feel.” Fuck you. “The pressure is—well. But I’m so worried about you,” all in her glazed-ham blissed-out Martha-Stewart-doing-a-séance voice, the one she'd learned to say all her phoniest passive aggressive shit in, "you don’t have any savings, Daniel, and you're getting on towards 30. It’s time to grow up." It’s time to hang up, he yelled silently at her and himself. But he laughed and told her he loved her and asked her not to worry so much and told her about how Jean-Paul was doing, although not much about what Jean-Paul was doing, because she thought the little rich boy she’d met ten years ago had been so refined and polite and upwardly-mobile and so obviously socially desirable for both her and her son—except that Jean-Paul’s mother had never had the time (or interest, probably) in responding to his mother’s “our sons are friends and I was thinking we might meet for coffee sometime and get to know one another” (because I hear you’re a respected legal expert and that’s so distinguished sounding and I don’t have one of those for floating the canapé tray to at my occasional dinner parties yet) emails. It was a pleasure, in a way, that he and Jean-Paul were in exactly the same place these days, from her point of view. Neither of them worked at a bank, quelle tragédie. They both lived somewhere she would never get a slow, panning view of. His mother had never liked his ex’s mother, either, for similar reasons.

After the call—during which he’d asserted that his cell contract didn’t have a clause for “magically update to include new policies in new area codes,” and no, this call hadn’t been free because they were on a fixed-rate low-monthly-data plan with crazy overage and add-on fees (he lied), and could she please stick to emails—Dan returned to his bed and lay there feeling worse than he had in weeks, maybe a month. He’d been lying about the long-distance, actually—he’d looked into it online about a week prior and found out where to change numbers and contracts with his provider after moving, which he hadn’t done yet and didn’t really want to at this point. What was the point of paying for it to have call-in or a data plan, he didn’t want calls and he didn’t need data. He had wifi. And he couldn’t afford anything else really because he had no income, even though Torontonians seemed to get better plan options and prices than Islanders. More carriers meant more undercutting prices but it was also an exhausting amount of information with very minor differences to track before figuring out the least screwjobiest option. He’d given up; by the time he wanted or needed a more functional phone, all the plan details would be different again, half the companies would be rebranded. There was a lot about Toronto that made it seem like the future. Futuristic. He was glad he wasn’t in the past, where it was time to be a banker. Grow up and do what? Get what job? He was still replaying the conversation with his mom, before complaining that he hadn’t called, and before she’d started bringing up job-hunting more pointedly, she’d been saying "we'd pay for you to go to trade school while you’re out there, there are so many options for you, Zoe's son is getting work using his welding certification out in Alberta right now," the way she talked drove him nuts, like she wanted particular words to stick in his head, like someone telling a kid how not to get lost. Dan remembered his mother's friend Zoe’s son--he’d eaten twelve grams of mushrooms at a grade twelve grad pre-party the night he accidentally met his birth-dad at a rave in Nanaimo. Dan had been at the pre-party and heard about the rave later via facebook posts; his ex hadn’t wanted to go, she’s said it sounded like it’d be a tent full of juggalos. Turned out it was true about the guy being Zoe’s kid’s birth-dad. Zoe was a yogamom who had remarried some insurance lawyer friend of Dan’s dad when her kid was in diapers, and he hadn't been old enough to wonder whether the guy in the pictures was actually dead or just presumed dead, until he'd met him. So that guy was working on some rig in Alberta now, and Dan was supposed to follow his good example apparently, except that Dan knew via facebook what his mother apparently didn't know or didn’t think was important, which was that Zoe’s son hated it there and regretted the career path he was now committed to by the mortgage he was paying off on his dream home in the Okanagan. He liked kiteboarding and scenery a lot. Wanted to retire and kiteboard and look at scenery. Four months was the leeway, Dan thought. And here we are again in bullshitville. Or at least, it had astralprojected its way east too vividly for him to not be transported fully in turn, back to bullshitville. He tried to clear his mind for a while until it occurred to him that a change of topic was better than pushing a topic away without a distraction from it. He started thinking about what he was actually going to do with the spring since he didn’t intend on trying to spit-shine his way into a job he couldn’t stand and wasn’t qualified for.

The days were getting longer, but it didn’t feel like spring to him. Earlier in the month it might as well have been summer already for a few days and now it was winter again—to be fair, the last couple years there’d been an end of March cold snap on the coast, too, with a day or so of snow. But when it snowed out west it was somehow warmer then than during the usual winter rain, no matter how low the temperature said. Here, though, it still felt like a sharp bite on the ass from an ice sculpture every snowy evening. That was why, presumably, Bruce wasn’t sure it wouldn’t snow again this year and hadn’t started gardening; he’d said it always snowed on April Fools now, which he liked, for some inane reason. It didn’t seem wildly funny to Dad for there to be snow on any day in April. Today it seemed possible there could be snow in a week; was all weird outside, murky and kind of opaque, unlike the past few days. Overall the weather this month had been a return to form for Toronto sunshine-wise, in Dan’s eyes, and it had been seriously buoying his spirits. Although, he also suspected that the prematurely summery feeling that had made him mourn not having a patio beer, had contributed to his prematurely summerbreaky approach to working on music for Thuh Dope Show. Interrupted from his deeply concentrated considerations of the weather, he heard and felt a jumbling thumpriff begin as some someones came in the side entrance by Jean-Paul’s place and started up the stairs. He planned to ignore it, whoever it was, and thought about the crumble he’d brought down to his room, now sitting on the bowed top of his suitcase waiting for his appetite to not be ruined. His appetite felt unruined now, in fact.

He got a nasty shock when a curtain of braided hair attached to a pretty face appeared like the face in snow white’s step mom’s mirror in the portal above him. “Thinger Minge,” Andreah greeted him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was still in bed hours later, thinking about how much he didn’t want to get up. Andreah had come over with Andre and stuck her head down into his room, and he’d been confronted with an outside eye on his sleeping situation—and his spending-all-day-in-an-ugly-pit-in-bed situation, which had been kind of awful for Dan. He was thankful it never happened ordinarily, but less thankful for that than he was for Andreah bothering at all. She and Andre were bringing back the bowls and cutlery from the park, where he guessed Andreah had met up with Andre and Jean-Paul and had crumble. He’d eaten his own ladling of it after she’d shot the shit with him a few minutes from his ceiling. She said he looked like a little doll in a shoebox. She thinks I’m cute, he heard claymated Rudolph nasally cheer in his head, as he lay there reconsidering her description. He got his phone out and opened facebook messenger, and looked her up using the name she’d told him, a TOS-violating pseudonym, of course. Her userimage was a black square, of course. He had no idea what to say. A witty, sexy, really fun type of thing to start a chat with, was not jumping into his noggin. He tried “you looked nice today” but deleted it after seeing it typed out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andre came back the next day with a thick, queen-sized fleece blanket for him. There was a starry night scene of wolves on it—coming from Andreah it seemed different than it would have from someone else, like there was more to it than just circumstantial selection, because maybe wolves were a thing for her culturally or something. That seemed like kind of a woefully uninformed thought, and Dan figured he’d keep it to himself in case it was. He appreciated the gesture; the blanket was warm and kind of heavenly, and he wished he’d had it all along. He wished he’d had it when he was sick, or one better, when he was passed out drunk with a low body temperature the night he’d gotten sick in the first place. He felt drowsier under the wolf blanket, like it had a magically charged force-field of cuddliness and security—a scaled-for-size baby-blanket was how it struck him, like he hadn’t felt so truly swaddled by one textile since the crib. He wiggled slightly in the cocoon he’d made, enjoying having his feet bare and trying to wiggle out of the imaginary second-skin of resentment he’d felt crawling under his flesh ever since being skyped unawares the previous day. Things were good. Looking up and up, even. Here he was in this big room with this big blanket, not a care in the world. Holding on to that feeling of weightless satisfaction as uncrushingly as he could, he felt himself slowly doze off, and had a last conscious sense like it was going to be the most restful sleep he could remember.

He dreamed about Andreah, about the two of them hooking up again. It’d all been fun and fond, but then they were having a talk about how Dan wasn’t sure exactly where Andreah saw things going, because her old answer wasn’t appealing enough to be sure she’d meant it. And she was angry at him, she shoved him and he thought she might just vanish out of thin air, which made sense in the dream, although he thought he was awake. She told him again that she saw things going no deeper, barring some miraculous shift in his whole attitude towards sex and dating and life in general. She told him it was a problem that he and Andre didn’t get along, which was so confusing and frustrating that he sort of halfway woke up, and feeling it happen, he swam back down into the dream to try to finish it, maybe go back to the sex part.

Awake again, having jerked off to pleasant effect, he was actually concerned that if he saw Andreah more often, he’d feel like he was performing a relationship, for her, because that was how being around his ex all the time had felt. He found himself worrying for the first time that he was so habituated to resentfully caving to some projected pressure rather than acting on whim, that he’d feel that way in another relationship even when the reality was there was no pressure, no caving, no resentment. It sort of had a foresight kind of a feeling, or it was somehow linked in his mind to what she’d been saying in the dream, about his attitude; he could envision that she would start to take on a skewed persona in his mind—more ordinary, less companionable, less fun, more annoying. Schoolmarmish, somehow. He’d realized several years ago that girls who wanted to be in relationships were people who didn’t appear, to him, to have or feel the need for lives apart from managing their partners behaviour, and in that way dating them was an inescapable emotional burden, like having really nagging parents or some kind of nanny. Someone like Andreah, who didn’t need his company, who had her own schedule, friends and life, basically unentangled with his life, seemed more like his ex’s ideal self than her actual self—someone aloof until approached, un-needy of his time or attention. But willing to spend her time and attention on him, all the same, with the sole aim of improving his mood. That was desirable company. And it would stay that way the less of it he tried to monopolize. The less of it he successfully monopolized, anyway.

The train of thought coupled with some noises above him brought him to thinking about Andre, who might have still been upstairs. He dug earbuds out of his suitcase and started an episode of Bruce’s show playing on his phone, not really listening but wanting to block out the sort of aggravating vague sounds of people upstairs.

Andre seemed like neither type of girl, not giving or needing, just a person who didn’t want to be around him and didn’t seem to really like being around him, less than an emotional burden or bolster: a minor sink. He thought about the rest of the household; in highschool and now, Jean-Paul had been someone who didn’t even slightly come across as needing him but was willing and pleased enough to be friends anyway. Dan had never really craved friendship until middle-school had burnt him out on his peer group, and his sister who was second oldest had been willing to attach him to the periphery of her social life because he was just starting highschool and she was finishing and it apparently made her more magnanimous than she’d been about being in the same elementary school; in hindsight he saw himself as an accessory. Little brother, tiny Tim. Charity. So, he’d wanted his own friend who didn’t treat him like an afterthought, or a friend-circle nepotism case, and Jean-Paul was a person who had wanted to be friends with just him, not the people his sister knew, although they all went to see his band play community centre showcases and basement gigs. Jean-Paul was a person whose company Dan had truly enjoyed, also, which he probably hadn’t encountered before because he didn’t remember a previous time of having that feeling. Jean-Paul was a person he’d been proud to be friends with, too; he’d actually felt inspired by Jean-Paul as a person, when they’d first met. He wasn’t sure he felt as drawn to him now as then, or even as he had in January, but the feeling was still there, when he really thought about it. Why didn’t he ever try to spend any time with his friend who he liked so much? But that question brought him back to what he’d been thinking about Andreah; it was becoming obvious to Dan that being able to approach people according to his own schedule was important. People weren’t appealing if they didn’t appear to have an existence strictly independent of him, or if they seemed to need anything from him.

Bruce, he supposed, also fit the bill of friend-appeal. Bruce had a peculiar vibe all his own, in Dan’s musings just then—he wasn’t quite someone Dan went out of his way to spend time around or would specifically think to spend time around, but he’d found himself enjoying Bruce’s company each time they saw one another. Bruce’s relationship with Andre was still something of a mystery; he could easily picture them platonically spooning on nights Andre stayed over, or in a tangle of tantric debauchery halfway-on and halfway-off the couch he’d sat on the first time he’d seen the back rooms. That couch seemed suspiciously easy to clean, now that he thought about it. Probably a lot of their old furniture was salvaged because it wasn’t textile, ergo easier to delouse, but was curbed because of some event that had wiped off the upholstery fine but also ruined the unit itself somehow.

Shaking out the flesh-flower image of Bruce and Andre tying in knots, he reminded himself that his grasp of the sexual identities at play was flimsy at best—he frequently failed to see anything straight about Bruce, but there wasn’t anything particularly gay about him either. He mostly acted like a six year old. Mouse, he realized, wouldn’t have caused him to think twice except for his social group and his inherent out-of-step-with-everythingness. Pete was straight, or at least, dated girls, by popular report, and Mouse and Pete were tight, but what did that mean about Mouse, was that an indication he was or wasn’t gay? He seemed to have a radar that let him avoid being around at the same time as Andre but if Dan had been in the same scene as her for years he might have moved in the same direction, on that front. He wondered if Jean-Paul’s sexual identity and line of work were any evidence one way or the other about the house population as a whole; hadn’t Alice come up in that context, when he was high on Bru-brew and Jean-Paul had told him about being an “independent male escort”—he couldn’t really remember that part at the moment. That whole conversation hadn’t processed entirely, he could feel himself sort of behold the memory of it as a whole and it was hazy, hard to make sense of. He decided to divert around it and get back to essentially kinsey-scoring everyone he knew in Toronto, since it was pretty diverting.

Andre, who he had a more confirmed read on than the others, wasn’t an outlier to the not-straight trend, though Dan wasn’t willing to bet that she’d ever actually dated another woman since apparently she and Andreah weren’t dating like how she and Bruce weren’t dating. He didn’t think he knew any girls-who-liked-girls who actually had long-term committed relationships with each other. Maybe Andreah did, or had, but like she’d said, not with girls like Andre. Too white-acting. Even Andreah herself seemed to be too white-acting for Andreah. White-sounding, whatever. Maybe part of it was that she didn’t like girly-girls; she’d been willing enough to get casual for a night with him. Maybe she liked being the girl but, with a girl. A mental image appeared, of Andre styled like one of the obvious butches he’d seen while walking through pride celebrations downtown one summer or the couple times Winks And Grins had showcased at Paparazzi. His ex had basically only gotten bookings for them by offering to take an hourly off the door cover. It didn’t seem to get them more shows and it definitely had never made them money. She seemed to think it would grow them some hype but Dan suspected it did the opposite and made them seem unprofessional and desperate, which, frankly, was close to being exactly what they were. Unprofessional for sure. Desperate for exposure, okay. She had been, at least. He hadn’t really cared. They’d never had any income worth declaring from these shows, otherwise they might have wanted to figure out how to legitimize the revenue up, like Jean-Paul had been saying the other night. Seemed like “legal consulting” ran in the family as well, after all.

He realized he was roaringly hungry, then. It occurred to him to message Andreah or walk down to Higher Grounds in time for maybe a lunch break, but in the spirit of avoiding over-affiliation that might murky up their relationship waters too soon after the blanket—and the dream—he decided to head upstairs and eat something from the fridge. There’d been a recent gold medal dive, he knew, at a Portuguese bakery nearer to Andreah and Andre’s place. She had told him the other day when they’d chatted and when Andre had shown up with the blanket she’d said there was a box of custard tarts for them all. He thought about hanging around to eat upstairs, but the idea of the others and spending time with them was deflating, and he resolved to eat grab food and come right back, possibly to do some more music work. He pulled out the earbuds, cutting off Toichiro’s fey-sounding line of banter mid-bant. There were definitely still people upstairs. Dan climbed the ladder into the upstairs hearing a conversation as it came into view—Andre was hanging off Bruce seeming kind of zoned out and dead-eyed the way she'd been the last time he'd seen her but more upset, and Bruce was saying something about feminism, and Mouse was upset already but Bruce was keeping it chill, and he was asking “...so what if you get misconstrued, man, you’ve got feminist values, and one really positive feminist value is to align yourself with something after looking at yourself and looking at it and seeing how you need to side with the non-dominant force to help it survive, otherwise it might not survive and then your reality is a little dimmer!”

By the end he’d gotten an annoying edge to his voice and the whole scene was kind of fucking ugly in its makeup somehow, more singularly than usual—and Dan said “Jesus fucking Christ” out loud, and Bruce looking over at him sticking halfway out of the hole in the floor and laughed and looked kind of sympathetic, which Dan guessed was because Bruce knew Mouse was at the breaking point for whatever deeply tormenting person code he had about people ‘misconstruing’ him, and was about to flip his shit. Mouse flailed in his direction and flipped the longboard they had used as a table, starting to scream something in Russian at him. It was actually terrifying, the little guy looked like his head was about to pop off. Dan slid back down through the hole and went to sleep with his earbuds in, hungry.

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oliverfiles · 6 years

Text

You were wrong.

Remember back when you told me I had to block, delete and stop talking to my ex all together because I was hurt over the break-up?

Our break-up was not bitter, it wasn’t because someone cheated/wanted to cheat. We honestly still loved and cared about each other, which is what made it so terribly painful for both of us. It was just due to our lives and circumstances, it would have never worked out. They only came to that realization before I did or maybe I knew, but was deeply in denial about it.

Just to give you a general update of things; we still talk a couple times a month, to catch up with each other. Yes, we did have a lot of painful conversations that NEEDED to be had. There was no way either of us could grow as individuals if things were left unsaid. If I had just blocked them, quit speaking all together, as you suggested numerous times, I would not have known mistakes I made and they would not have known mistakes they made either. This way, we can move on to new relationships and not make those same mistakes again. Yes, it was very painful, yes I got extremely depressed (which, btw, is really understandable, even if we didn’t talk ever again), but I’d like to think I’ve come out of things a better person because we both communicated AFTER we had broken up.

But what did I learn when you ditched me? I learned to be careful who I put my trust into; especially someone who doesn’t know how to communicate how they feel, who is so quick to block someone out of their lives simply due to mistakes and misunderstandings without even trying to talk about things first.

Now, I’m not denying mistakes I made during my trip to see you. Like the water flicking thing; I flicked water at you, you said stop, any time that anyone ever says that about something annoying that I’ve done, I have a compulsive need to do it just one more time. It’s like an itch you have to scratch and my body goes automatic and I have to do it just once more and I have no idea why I do it, but I do it to every one. I think the fact that I found it funny is because I’d known you 8 years and it was something about you that I didn’t know, especially since I’d seen videos of you at Summer camp with your students getting blasted with water guns, water cannons, etc and smiling through it. And when I say, “I found it funny,” I don’t mean laughing at you or finding your phobias and anxieties amusing, it was just like “whoa, I didn’t know that! I thought this dude was bulletproof~” (metaphorically speaking).

Playing on your PC; I guess I was a little confused on this one because you hyped up the fact that when I was there visiting you, you wanted me to play a lot of games on your computer since you knew my PC at home was bad, you wanted me to see how great PC gaming can look and feel. You wanted me to play PUBG and I did 2 times, I did terrible and gave up on it. I played Minecraft that one night with your friends. After that, you kept your PC off to lock me out of it. Despite what you think, I only tried to turn it on 1 single time and it was just by tapping the Space bar and moving your mouse because I thought it was asleep, when it didn’t come on, I gave up and didn’t try again. I spent most of my free time on my tablet or phone, in your living room, by myself... because you were in your room, on your phone, being angry with me, I guess.

Not offering to help wash the dishes the one night you cooked; It was my first evening there, I was in a new environment, I felt awkward and anxious. You asked for my plate, I handed it to you, I didn’t shove it into your hand as you walked by, I have never and would never do that to anyone. It’s also something that happens in my house, we will take the dishes to the kitchen for each other if we’re the first to get up, I didn’t think twice about it. I also didn’t know you were going to wash the dishes right afterwards and I would have gladly tried to help if you had told me you wanted or desired my help. Don’t say I should have known to help because that’s not how my brain works, I have to tell my Mom that every time she says, “you should be able to tell when [xyz] needs to be done!” because I don’t, I just don’t realize stuff like that, I HAVE to be told and reminded to do things. Even if your kitchen did seem a bit cramped to have a tall skinny guy and a short fat guy huddled around the sink to scrub 2 pans, 2 plates and the silverware. Yes, I did get on your PC when you were in the kitchen, it wasn’t the second you took my plate because I remember being observant of you in the kitchen for a bit first. It was because I still felt anxious and awkward, not sure what to say or do. So, I got up and did what made me feel comfortable, which was just to scroll around on the internet for a little bit.

Being loud that one night on Discord while playing Minecraft with your friends; I’m sorry if I was loud, I was talking very softly on discord because you were going to bed at 10:30 and I was no where near tired enough to sleep. I decided to log on discord on my tablet and see what your friends were up to. They asked if I wanted to play Minecraft with them and I agreed. I don’t know what else I was supposed to do, it was 10:30, I would not have been able to fall asleep for hours after that. Though I wish I was one of those people that could fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, even when I’m dead tired, it can take me an hour or two to fall asleep. I couldn’t watch TV because it would have been louder than me talking and the light of the screen would have flashed right into y’all’s bedroom door. I couldn’t have watched Youtube on my phone or tablet because at that point, I didn’t have your wifi password and didn’t want to blow mine and Mom’s monthly data cap. You and C were in bed so I had no one to talk to or even just sit in silence with so, I turned to your friends to keep me company until I was sleepy. I was trying to be quiet so, I don’t know what loud noises you heard, but again, I’m sorry if my existing in your living room kept you from sleeping.

Not waking up when you were screaming at me to wake up; Apologies for not waking up to sounds, but I’ve been that way my whole life. My mom is the same way, she doesn’t wake up to noises either. We’ve learned my nieces are the same as well so, it must run in the family. You knew that tapping the mattress with your foot would wake me so, I don’t understand why you just didn’t do that every morning instead of wasting your time screaming at my unconscious body.

That one day with the train and you were waiting for me to be ready; This one, you said it bothered you the most and it’s the one that confuses me the most. I showered, I come out of the shower fully clothed, minus shoes. You look me dead in the eye as I come out of the shower and I raise my hand at you because C was laying there and I didn’t know if she was asleep or anything. But to me, the raising of the hand while you looked directly at me being fully clothed, I thought you realized that hey, he’s dressed, he’s probably done getting ready and is ready to go. I go, put my shoes on, sit down and take my phone out to look at it while you do whatever. Before I know it, you’re coming out of your room, looking grumpy and stuff like “why didn’t you come get me?” and I was confused because I thought I signaled to you. I’m sorry that there was a misunderstanding in hand signals, but I thought I let you know already and I didn’t know what you were doing in there so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ [Edit] Also, when you said “how was I supposed to know?” and I said “magic”... it was A JOKE because what else was I supposed to say to that?

You didn’t like how I handled “the N situation”; I’ll be honest in saying that I didn’t know there was a situation with N until she cut ties with me. All I knew is that I liked her, it scared and confused me and I acted weird around her. I made that one mistake on Snapchat (which wasn’t aimed at just her, but w/e no one asked me what I meant or how I felt, it was all just N’s complaining about it) and then beyond that, I feel like N took a lot of things the wrong way. Probably shit I posted here on Tumblr that wasn’t even aimed at anyone that any of you know, always people I have no contact with anymore. Tumblr is the only website where I vent and openly express how I really feel about things that happened to me IN MY PAST. Yes, I asked A how N was doing a lot because I was scared to ask N directly. Why? I liked her, I feared she would find me annoying, that I would bother her, I feared her rejection. But I never tried to start some drama with N, why would I? I liked her FFS. When we played games together, I tried my best to help her with every thing she asked for help with, gave her items she needed if I had them and helped her get them if I didn’t. I was never unkind to N, I never uttered an unkind word to N, I picked on her, yes, but I would never bully her, when she told me to stop with a joke she didn’t like, I respected her feelings and stopped. When I said N was a bad friend, it was AFTER she told me she didn’t want to be friends with me over that one stupid thing and it was that she was a bad friend TO ME, not in-general or anyone else. I’m sorry that I acted stupid around her, said stupid things to her AFTER the fact, but I just didn’t know how to behave like an adult because it hurt me. It was hurt of the breakup on top of hurt from her not wanting to be my friend after I tried my best to be nice to her... It was a punch in the gut that I was told that I wasn’t free to communicate how I felt on an open platform because it was “passive aggressive,” to be alone, self harming and suicidal and all of my friends left my messages on read when I needed them the most, including N. ~ When we were talking about going to Dave N Buster’s on the train home that day, I halfheartedly said that, “I bet N won’t come,” you warned me to drop it, it wasn’t me trying to start drama, it was me wanting her to come and meet me, to hang out and be around her. At that point, even after she told me she didn’t want to be friends, even after everything that happened, I still fucking liked her, like the moron I was. Yes, even after you warned me to drop it, I asked her if she would come and she told me again she didn’t want to be friends, I snapped at her... I was so extremely tired from walking so much over the past week, I was angry that she still felt that way, after trying my best to mend the friendship, I was angry that people kept spouting that I was making “drama” when the only person who was stirring the damn drama pot was N. I was just fucking sick and tired of trying to make things right with her.

I didn’t say Thank You a single time I was there; which I’m pretty sure is BS because I say thank you to everyone for every little thing. If I didn’t, it’s because I was anxious and being quiet. You’ll have to admit that you had a really negative vibe going for you a majority of the time I was there and maybe I felt it somehow. But when, in our 8 years of friendship, did I ever not thank you wholeheartedly for everything you did for me? When was I ever an ungrateful brat who was just out to take advantage of your kindness? You can’t count the times because it never fucking happened. Even when you did nothing, sometimes I would message you just to thank you for being a good friend to me, being there for me, etc. And I am grateful to you, back then and even now, for shaping me into the person I am today. Even if I didn’t always follow your advice, I listened and took it into consideration, but you have to realize that sometimes people just have to make their own decisions/mistakes, even if it annoys you. You also have to realize that I have anxiety and depression and advice that seems like things that are really easy to do might not be easy at all to me.

Anyways, some times I miss you a lot, but I realize you want nothing to do with me so, I respectfully stay away from you and all your friends. Hope you’re doing well though.

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pinkvhs · 5 years

Text

JSE Ego Content

( UPDATED FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2018 )

( UPDATE SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 2019 )

this was a post I made as an answer for my friend a while back. Here is a full info dump of everything I know so far when it comes to Seán’s ego stuff.

Please add on or send me info if you got more.

Heads up, its a long read.

Here is a mayhem2k18 master post and Here is another post describing past events too

Mayhem2018 or Mayhem2k18 is also a tag people used this year to talk about the mass ego videos Sean did back in May so there might be more posts there too that I missed!

Egopocalypse is another tag too!

So basically, back in August of 2016 we were first introduced to Marvin the Magnificent during a Jacksepticeye Power Hour. At first these videos were named different titles but Sean changed them to be the introduction videos to his characters. Marvin is a magician video and it ends with him getting frustrated with magic and ends up coloring a cat mask. Thats the only video to this day that we have of him until later in May of 2018 when we got a mask hiding in the background on Sean’s white board both on his Insta story, during the Am I Color Blind video, and on his Twitch stream. He also seems to briefly show up in a glitch like form in Try To Fall Asleep along with Jameson Jackson (who I’ll get to in a bit). Its also debated if Marvin is actually powerful since during Sean’s tour it was asked what the egos majored in with college and he said“magicians don’t go to college but maybe literature so he can say some Shakespeare as he sends you into the mirror dimension.” But again, it is unsure. He is also suppose to have long hair as stated that Sean liked the idea of long hair Marvin over some fanart he saw and during the tour he mentioned that Marvin wanted a haircut for his birthday. The most recent we have seen him November during Sean’s tour he posted a photo of him dressed up as Marvin on his instagram story with a wig and mask a fan gave him. January 15th we see Sean wearing the Marvin Mask for a second during his Where Are My Flamingo Shorts video calling it “this thing!”

Next is Jackieboy Man, a superhero character who was introduced in July 2016. He has been in videos like the South Park game play, however, Sean has said those videos are not canon. It also seems like he shows up in Ninja Sex Party’s music video Cool Patrol and some fans think this is Jackie’s back story but that has yet to be confirmed so it is mostly a fun thing. There is sadly nothing of major or hints of him except for an occasional “Where is Jackieboy Man when you need him?” from Sean during the summer of 2018. We don’t know much about him at all he is in a similar boat as Marvin.

August of 2017, Kill Jacksepticeye is when we see him in video next but before that Jack had left pictures and other things leading up to his appearance so we were all on edge. But then again, this is nothing new. Once the screen fades to Anti he says “Who do you think you’ve been watching this entire time? My puppets” and “I wonder what will happen to your favorite boy next time?” meaning, all the other characters are in control of Anti and are his “puppets” and our favorite can die next time we see them again. Next video he is in is Jameson Jackson’s in October 2017 and then Overnight Watch in December 2017. This happened during Jacksepticeye’s Holiday Special charity live stream but Sean pokes fun and denies this ever happened (even though it infact did).

From then on we didn’t hear from Anti until May of this year with his full body and completely different appearance in Dark Silence. Leading up to this, its important to note that the colors red & blue are shown throughout mayhem like an indication that yes, this is an ego video. Since before that, Jack(or Chase) wakes up from a nightmare with whispers saying “I remember what he did to me” at the end of Stories Untold and seem to go together due to the noises. Not too long after Dark Silence, Exiles was uploaded and it has an abrupt Jack showing up on screen confused as to where he is until he finds out he is in the hospital. It ends abruptly with Jack staring blank in the camera, his eyes and mouth opened and gasping for air as blood runs down his eyes with whispers saying “you did this its all your fault” and the ending screen is Sam covered in red light playing in reverse while a siren goes off and some think its an evacuation or warning siren . Shortly after that First Winter is uploaded and close to the middle of the playthrough it shows a dead Jack looking at the camera with blood still running down his face along with a door opening. There was also added Anti bits in the audio that some believe he is saying “Let me out ” along with other things that were not part of the game audio. Close to the end of the game, Jack expresses how “he has never been happier to be home” when even more Anti glitches happen and it seems like a body is walking behind him.

Now the most recent Anti appearances are from Transference of September 21st, 2018 . The first video there was nothing (from what I know of) but the second video there are plenty of hidden Dark Silence Anti moments that are VERY hard to spot the first time viewing. He was then brought back with Three Scary Games 1 Video. There are Many glitches that happened in face camera and an eerily similar pitched voice is spoken. There was also a glitch transition in Four Scary Games 1 Video. He was also mentioned in The Watson Scott Test video with the face camera glitches and as mentioned the text of the game being manipulated (thanks Robin). The Next Anti video is from December 1st with Umfend (also titles Time Is Broken..subtle) it has glitches once again and with a very ominous “Do you remember?”. The most recent, December 7th 2018 is where at the end of Sally Face Chapter 4 part 1 with the Sam ending screen being completely glitched out and having distorted audio (also wanting us to watch to the end). December 15th is when we see him again on the anniversary of Overnight Watch on Sean’s Instagram with this photo and this video. We then see him again Quit The Game To Win on December 16, 2018 with him staring into the camera and twitching one eye . December 18, 2018 we then get this thumbnail of a Simulacra video .

Some other mentions are:

Sean changing the FNAF Sister Location video titles back in August of 2018 and how the description has been this from the start

Sean changing his twitter header to Anti after Dark Silence

Some skeptical connections with Chase and some other Power Hours

Sean possibly hinting the First Winter video since the first Stories Untold video. He has done date hinting in thumbnails in the past.

Some comparisons to Anti now and other Anti videos

Reverse Audio saying “ I will return when you least expect it “ from Eggs For Bart, leaving people to think its an Anti related thing

Sean reblogged this post with Chase and Anti involving Dark Silence

There is also connections with Jack’s fears and Anti where Sean talked about his fears during the Visage play through

Sean has also said that we have missed some things in his videos before and that alone is enough to make me want to commit perish

There was no major video of Antisepticeye on Halloween 2018 or another Jameson Jackson video

Sean does want to make more ego content and is excited about it. He talked about it during a Reading Your Comments video late November of 2018

Sean also said that Chase has been in only one video more or less during the January live stream of 2019

#.txt #long post

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