#i made like 2 versions of this bc i couldnt decide if i wanted to put a gradient on top

[hayffie-feels]

Based on an idea from @fallenflowersfromgrace.

-Haymitch knowing how to do makeup bc Effie taught him so he does her makeup ❤️

A little bit of eyeshadow

“Now, stop moving Haymitch!” Don’t ask him how, but Haymitch had allowed Effie to teach him how to put on makeup, by her putting makeup on him. Yikes.

“It’s not my fault your brushes itch so bad!” He couldnt suppress the sudden urge to just yank the brush out of her hand and smear the eyeshadow onto her face, resulting in her scolding him and him running in circles with her on his tail like 2 little children.

It was a cold day in District 12, so he decided he had nothing better to do than shovel the driveway, which he did NOT want to have to do first thing in the morning. So, here he was, sitting on the couch with his legs crossed listening to a two hour lecture from Effie about the right way to hold a makeup brush.

“If you would just sit still they wouldn’t!” She proceeded to grab another weird looking brush and giving an identical one to Haymitch. He held it disgustingly as if it were a miniature version of Effie.

“And what exactly do you want me to do with this?” He eyed the brush with doubt and looked into her sapphire orbs waiting for an answer.

She sighed in frustration, teaching this man anything was fairly almost impossible. She roughly held up her brush and showed him what to do, she brushed it against a golden-ish colour in her pallet and gestured for him to do the same. He mimicked her and brushed his against a dull grey-ish colour that wouldn’t stand out too much on his skin and held it it up.

Then, she held one of her eyelids down with one hand, and Haymitch proceeded to copy her. She then, with her other hand, gently touched the brushes edges to her eyelid and in one swift stroke covered her eyelid with the shimmery gold colour and placed the brush down as if it were the easiest thing to do.

He too placed the brush to his closed eyelid, and in one, slightly rougher stroke, covered his eyelid in that dull grey colour you would see on the walls of 13.

He was met with the sound of Effie clapping and he suddenly got a proud feeling erupting in his chest because of, what, putting on some eyeshadow. Not the best of achievements.

“There! Wasn’t as hard as you thought was it.” He shook his head in protest,

“No, it was harder than what I thought, and you do this every day?!” She giggled and brushed a stray hair that was threatening to poke out from her blonde wig. Haymitch frowned,

“Why wear a blonde wig when you are naturally a blonde sweetheart, just, what’s the point?” He gave her a puzzled look and she too seemed to not know herself. She thought for a bit before replying,

“Well, my mother always thought a woman were prettier this way.” She fiddled with her fingers in her lap. Haymitch huffed, “Bullshit.”

This made Effie gasp, “Language!” That made Haymitch smile, he knew she were to say that.

Just as he thought they were finally done, he saw Effie rummaging around in her bag and then from it emerged a weird black tube-looking thing Haymitch was not familiar with.

“What’s that?” He looked at it in her hands curiously as she twisted off the cap to unveil a very odd looking stick/brush thing. He did not like the thought of him bringing that near any part of his face.

“Mascara. Here.” She held the weird looking thing on a stick to him, he looked at it with suspicion.He shook his head, “Show me how to use it first princess.” She frowned and held the oddly shaped stick handing him another one. He was cautious at first, but he realised it was just another brush thing to do makeup with so he lowered his guard. She then slowly brought it to her long eyelashes, Haymitch did the same and brought it to his, way shorter, eyelashes.

Then she brushed it along her lashes making them thicker than they already were, and he copied her once again, roughly brushing it against his eyelashes, he was startled and blinked a few times, resulting in the space beneath his eyelids to become tinted slightly black but he soon got the hang of it and he had applied it successfully.

“Did I do it right or…” Effie looked at his face proudly as if he had just won an Oscar or something.

“Yes, you did, for once.” They both laughed, but he stopped when he saw her taking out yet ANOTHER thing from her bag.

“Nope, that’s it I’m done.” He got up and tried to leave.

“No no! This one’s easy I swear!” He turned around to see Effie with that puppy dog face and she was batting her freshly mascara-d eyelashes which just made it more convincing.

He internally cursed himself for have be-friending this adorable devil in disguise.

“Ugh. Fine.” He sat back down and waited for the next painful procedure to introduce itself. He prayed as she reached her hand into the bag but sighed in relief as she pulled out two crimson coloured lipsticks. He knew how to do this, he’d seen his mother put it on a billion times. The thought of his mother made him mad, so he changed the subject,

“At least I won’t have to endure the pain of bristles poking my eye this time.” He breathed out as he took the lipstick from her hands, his brushing hers ever so slightly.

She chuckled as she, once again, showed him what to do, she took off the cap and placed it on the table, then she unearthed the stick from inside the tube in a twisting sort of motion and pressed it to her lips and at the end she smacked her lips together, he didn’t know why.

He, for the tenth time today,copied her and drenched his grey lips in bright red colour.

She laughed as they both now had half a face full of makeup,

“Well, at least now you’ve learnt a useful skill.” She gathered everything back into her bag and pulled out a mirror to show him the final result,

Haymitch, was startled at his own reflection, he looked terrible looks wise, but he seemed to have done a god job at applying it.

***

Haymitch being Haymitch was just strutting around the corridors upstairs whistling a random tune until he heard the soft, faint sound of sniffing and whimpering coming from the guest room, in other words known as: Effie’s room.

He abruptly came to a halt at the door, pressing his ear to the mahogany wood, straining them to hear.

He knew she wouldn’t answer to his knock on the door so he barged in, he knew she wouldn’t have wanted it but sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

He gently creaked open the door and his eyes met a distorted sight.

Everything was out of place and nothing was where it usually was, there was a figure laying under a bundle of blankets which was sniffing yet was muffled by the sheets thrown over it.

She must’ve just gotten here since he’d heard her barge in from the front door. A wig was thrown across the room and sat on the carpet.

He knew he wasn’t the best comforter but he had to do something. So he walked/tiptoed in and crouched down beside her bed, he waited for a few minutes before gently lifting one of the blankets to reveal none other than Effie Trinket. She looked visibly upset and her mascara had run down her face in streaks, her hair messily covered her face and she tried to contain herself after realising Haymitch had come in but she gave up midway.

The sight of her like this broke his heart, which was not very easy to break. He gently stroked her soft, blonde hair in an attempt to calm her,

“Effie sweetheart, I’m not going to ask what’s wrong cuz you probably won’t tell me but…” He suddenly brought out her bag containing all her makeup out of nowhere and took out a brush, holding it in front of her teary eyes.

“Do you want me to re-do your makeup?”

#effie trinket #haymitch abernathy #the hunger games #haymitch x effie #hayffie #katniss everdeen #katniss and peeta

[istanbulite]

also i need to decide on my Astoria MCs backstory n work her being a titan into the story...i think i decided at her being 27 (still 2 years older than the canon™ age bc she was with Hydra before Hades ms worldwide)

Um so....Theia changes sides during the war (Titanomachy) leaves her baby children (Selene and Helios) and her husband (Hyperion) — centuries pass

She lives a fine if guilty life - up until her furious husband finally escapes Tartarus to hunt her down

...at least thats his intention.

They do make up though, and the result is... Eos! Theia hides while pregnant and no one knows a young titan is about to be born. Until the last day. When she does, Theia dies during birth because of the titan poison which has never harmed her previously, its a punishment for aiding Hyperion - who btw manages to escape...for now (and in a way abandoning the baby the way Theia did the first time.)

Eos is secretly taken in by Hera who will later trust her with the MC's Mom (the canon one) she even has special artifacts made just so she will appear human and wont be hurt by the same poison confining Astraeus, Selene, Helios to Tartarus.

The only one who knows is Ares and while he doesn't blackmail Eos he's especially interested in her, wanting to unleash Eos' true feracious, chaotic nature repressed to hell and back. They have a brief affair which ends with Eos barely escaping Aphrodite's wrath (with a minor curse) thanks to Alex who also gets their heart broken by the events but (tries to) move past it.

Eos as the MC is...far more angry and passionate than the game version, and she's shorter at 5" because i couldnt deal with the text suggesting how big Astraeus' 5'9" self is compared to her when she was 5'5" but thats just me nitpicking. She also surely did morally and legally questionable things and knows many other titans on Earth who remained neutral during the War (like Prometheus who aids her a lot or his sister Ankhiale her actual bestie for life)

Her first love is Hydra. She breaks up with him bc frankly he's just too mean and she s not about to be treated like that even if it's with 'love', especially after finding out Hades' interest. With him....its a manipulation of sorts. She never really loves him but her underlying hatred of H.E.R.A starts to show and she wants it gone even before the main events... She does fancy him a bit bc cmon

Then of course - Astraeus. I believe they both feel a staggering, panic inducing connection at first sight which Astraeus clings to like a lifeline and Eos is just...scared of it... which causes the in-game reactions. He is not unwelcome, its never really an enemies to lovers. Just... inconvenient to be 'kidnapped' when ur planning a coup lowkey and ur almost there u know

honestly what first gave me this idea (besides Astraeus' connection to Selene and Helios n then i read he s married to their sibling n its so neat in canon lore??? Like... 👌 dusk, dawn, moon and sun - ) is this portrayal of Eos so... anachronistic esp. for a goddess??? n then noticed mcs design is close lol

they r the same

#astoria lost kisses #astoria: fate's kiss #afk mc #astoria mc #hades afk #hydra afk #astraeus #eos #astraeus afk #lovestruck #greek myth retellings #oc: eos #yessss glad to have this one stone... #i thought all the resurruction shit made it all ridiculous...might use it for my own Eos stuff #but in Astoria? this works. to the point #been on my drafts for forever....i am... free #lovestruck voltage #lovestruck game

[gnzma]

29, 30, 31

munday time ; ACCEPTING

[ okay im gonna leave 29 as the last reply bc im gonna be long one ]

30. what are your favorite RP tropes to play? (angst, hurt-comfort, etc…) ;; also asked by @murmursdraconic

[ i Love fighting threads!!!!!!!!!!

fights in which two muses are training together? hell yeah. fights where two muses are fighting it out but they're having so much fun making the other bleed? let's go!! maybe they also need to let out some frustration and that's the only way they know?? yipeee!!!! fights where both muses are really fucking angry and aggressive and go from two guys throwing hands to turn into beasts?? YESSSSS fights where one muse wants to kill the other but the other wants to make them See The Light and make them understand but the thing goes from playing defense to being as aggressive??? YAHOOOFDSANMNGMDFH!!!!

fights fun fights good ]

31. do you regularly play crack?

[ i wouldnt say i play it regularly, but rather. sometimes i wanna be silly, sometimes i wanna be fun. it's mostly quick back-and-forths and sillies and it's Fine uwu ]

29. what are your honest thought about your muse’s canon? // also asked by @rocketborn

[ are you ready for gio to rant about pokèmon writing :3 ]

for SuMo, which is also the canon i follow the most... I'm generally pretty okay with how they dealt with him. Like I always write him thinking mostly about that version, of course adding a little more of "adult content" (as in, him bleeding and dying and being Fucking Depressed in ultraspace mostly), but that's the version i fell in love with. I am and I will always be vocal about how rushed the final part of gen 7 was and how i'm DISGUSTED!!!!!!with the idea that a good ending implies team skull being disbanded (thus making it an ending where he didn't really learn to not run away from responsabilities :^)) but for the most part it's great and i love him.

USUM can choke fr fr ♥ I like the interaction he has with Hau in the Garden, but that's about it that was the beginning of Lusamine being woobified because This Woman Can't Be Evil I Fucking Guess (and while i have 0 idea of how hes handled in Masters i did see their interactions with mutual respect and i want to blow myself up), and by extention their relationship being instead written in a more healthy way that. i genuinely can't fucking see. like fuck off USUM all my homies hate USUM they did great with Necrozma they did okay with Rainbow Rocket i wish Guzma's personality wasn't Lusamine Guard Dog Except Without The Nuance Bc We're Afraid Of Evil Women Haha like cmon man!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have. so many mixed feelings about PokeSpe. i'm going to say it right away i think it's mid the battles are great everything else but mostly how female characters are written is okay at best terrible at worse. from the little i saw they really decided to keep his undying loyalty to Lusamine and i hate it here but i enjoy how they managed to write him slightly more unhinged.

the anime did him justice actually. I still think he wouldn't touch the League, ever, and he wouldn't get mad at Golisopod for an ability he should know he has (miss me with that "he's just pretending he doesn't know :)" the anime makes it very clear), but i like his competitivity and his arrogance and how they handled his finale a lot. with the years i made peace with aniGuzma and i think he's very neat despite my problems with the anime (coughlusaminecough). i'm not particularly annoyed with how they confirmed he decided to start a war on alola bc he couldnt be a trial captain either, with how the anime is written i can see that as a good reason actually idk i like how they managed to make him feel like a proper threat and a good "final antagonist". good shit

so basically the tier list is

SuMo except the ending 2. the anime idk 6. pokespe and at the 99th place usum

#❌|| ʏᴀ ɢɪʀʟ ɢɪᴏ 💀 ooc ||❌

[cubedmango]

hi again from kr anon - thank you for the greetings too!! they're very much appreciated 🥺❤️ and thankfully january went well enough for me, but i'm sorry to hear that about you - i hope you've fully recovered by now, but if not, i hope you continue to get better, and wishing you well in general 🫶🏼💕

anyway ever since your most recent reply and your reblogging some of the posts i linked, i became inspired and kinda went ham in looking for more build fanart and memes/shitposts on tumblr (+ twitter now too) that i thought you'd enjoy (ngl they're mostly ryusen-centric, but some involve other characters too, and just like before, they're all either non-spoilery or contain spoilers only up to the parts i know you've seen dw), and bc unfortunately i'm still not yet done formulating my full reply to your message + my overall review of build, i've decided to share these links in a separate batch of asks ahead instead 😅 so feel free to also like/reblog/retweet whichever ones you like best from here, whenever you want 👍🏼 [1/?]

(rest below)

from twitter: twitter . com/cynonic/status/1744439785220096002?t=ml7-RUxO5wG_Hx1RuYoFwA&s=19 & twitter . com/cynonic/status/1741698101516402694?t=jeeB09x5gieRJMByjcCFOA&s=19 & twitter . com/0e0n0_2/status/1752739004284568020?t=FMOmj13lgC-ftHx8tDXeSA&s=19 twitter . com/1010_mumumu/status/1738570763186389299?t=BnZHQEpRfxFdxe_HCXOhdQ&s=19 (this one is part of a series celebrating the 5th anniversary of hei gen forever last year, and so sento and banjou's appearances here are based on how they looked in that movie) & twitter . com/1010_mumumu/status/1741474547860410529?t=cnut6U-N2pa33lNbtvEqCQ&s=19 (tbh this person is a prolific build fanartist in general, like they even made a series of arts for every single episode of the show + extra material like the movies, but bc of that a lot of their work naturally has spoilers, so it's best to wait to look at the rest of their stuff until after you're done watching) twitter . com/spidergenome/status/1749001327215309037?t=RY_X2N2V6xqFJ1fzoqmEPw&s=19 & twitter . com/nicosaibas/status/1752739603126353963?t=Y4KKCAWqjlEMfETk5bCRsw&s=19 & twitter . com/shibaemon56472/status/1726574998129692718?t=_C80GkxKpPHrDPBEKedDKA&s=19 (ngl this last one made me feel like foaming at the mouth when i first saw it... need more serious/angsty build fanart in this vein actually) [2/?]

from tumblr - memes and shitposts edition: tumblr . com/skajador/701833793679605760/have-you-ever-thought-to-yourself-what-if-the & tumblr . com/number-one-toku-robot-lover/707190595602481152/cina-full-moon-xanadium-saikou-woo-hoo & tumblr . com/kabutoraiger/172667788907 tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/170223739892/i-cant-believe-this-happened (speaking of the gay ass ryusen flashback montage at the end of ep. 20...) & tumblr . com/deathdefied/186877098000 & tumblr . com/rollforhotness/679210085964251136/my-friends-have-subjected-me-to-kamen-rider-build tumblr . com/yourfaveisdumbasfuck/182668957031/ryuga-banjou-from-kamen-rider-build-is-dumb-as & tumblr . com/r4bbitdragon/634111980187336704/cinematic-parasols (more build x cm stuff i guess; also 'parasols' is a reference to hei gen final and how the villain there asked banjou if he'd ever heard of parallel worlds - saying it in english - and banjou said he hadn't and "you can take your parasols and your apparels and get stuffed!") & tumblr . com/greatwhitesharktic/168414603408/this-had-to-be-done-obviously [3/?]

tumblr . com/plushie-sentai/721349706589110272/couldnt-stop-thinking-abt-this-audio-as-i & tumblr . com/star-stream/711827004916465664 & tumblr . com/cephalopistol/738928673836695552/discussion-around-internet-culture-during-the tumblr . com/cerastes/635140235277254656/when-character-customization-shows-in-the & tumblr . com/cephalopistol/709346416767729665/i-forgot-to-post-these-yesterday-noooooooo (this one features a bunch of characters from other kr shows you haven't seen, but i'm sure you'll be happy to see the build version at least) & tumblr . com/hyenatron/715226536814493696/banjou-has-no-idea-what-the-plot-of-build-is tumblr . com/tsunflowers/171525478527 & tumblr . com/tsunflowers/170236361802 & tumblr . com/kabutoraiger/174096709452/sento-sometime-in-the-indeterminable-future-hey & tumblr . com/42wv/172324292120/ryuga-gets-it also this one wasn't specifically about build but tell me this isn't sento and blood stalk's current relationship in a nutshell: tumblr . com/panvani/642659794718769152 [4/?]

and from tumblr - fanart edition: tumblr . com/maepop/174491278047/best-match & tumblr . com/swmtk/185287832414 & tumblr . com/deathdefied/185808953970 tumblr . com/mysillycomics/190673525700/thinks-about-kamen-rider-build-constantly & tumblr . com/procrasticus/737389453694386176/ive-been-watching-kamen-rider-build & tumblr . com/wmolecules/170680711727/build-is-pain-so-here-have-something-soft tumblr . com/vanicchidraws/183367254758/kamen-rider-build-starters-kiryuu-sento-x (i'm not really knowledgeable about pokemon myself but i assume you'll know if the ones here fit the characters) & tumblr . com/examorhca/739758146400157696 & tumblr . com/rrotostap/738441549054148608/starting-off-2024-with-a-lil-doodle-of-these [5/?]

tumblr . com/rubberlemon/736876637027811328/i-wonder-how-it-feels-knowing-maths & tumblr . com/m1ontee/736472097386381312/collective & tumblr . com/large8/738352672306085888/hes-so-cutes tumblr . com/m1ontee/738293208293965824/year-2023-year-2024-happy-new-year & tumblr . com/kirider/726752184437555200/backlog-25082022-be-the-light-be-the-light & tumblr . com/mrdinoart/736200905568976896/hagane-no-moonsault-rabbit-tank-wake-up tumblr . com/animasmith263/739096420409278464/happy-new-year-uh-ooh-its-late-cross-z-for-a & tumblr . com/m1ontee/732728912968351744/recall & tumblr . com/m1ontee/737300816789143552/this-show-makes-me-emotionally-distressed [6/?]

tumblr . com/crayaks/722380597270659072/from-2022 & tumblr . com/m1ontee/739727202127675392 & tumblr . com/toseuteu/705549391206989824/since-its-the-year-of-the-build-i-mean-rabbit tumblr . com/takeru-tenkuuji/636335100789915648/19-the-forbidden-item & tumblr . com/tetra-fang/719874639397044224 & tumblr . com/ichippon/733173230693728256/hi-the-animals-ive-been-obsessed-with-lately tumblr . com/minalyce/709262087442104321/he-wants-to-kiss-him-so-bad-but-the-protein & tumblr . com/yaka06210/706244945107943424 & tumblr . com/mrdinoart/722325994695000064/sento-y-banjou-sentados-en-un-banco-sento-and [7/?]

tumblr . com/tetra-fang/701676552416641024 & tumblr . com/hazardlevei/632820389176819712/cosy-ryusens-thanks-everyone-for-coming-to-the & tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/629615350530572289 tumblr . com/mok921/628733669100716032/jump & tumblr . com/hazardlevei/618252874309320704/love-you-love-you-love-you-love-you-love-you & tumblr . com/vza-ley/190725492371/it-turns-out-that-love-is-real-after-all tumblr . com/pepegle/627255875002826752 & tumblr . com/pepegle/626622821332893696 & tumblr . com/alienmandyarchive/627113101937000448/best-match tumblr . com/pepegle/626700421893963776 & tumblr . com/keshi-zumi/182400942007/20190126-%E4%BB%A5%E5%89%8D%E6%8F%8F%E3%81%84%E3%81%9F%E8%90%BD%E6%9B%B8%E3%81%8D%E3%81%AB%E8%89%B2%E3%82%92%E5%A1%97%E3%82%8A%E3%81%BE%E3%81%97%E3%81%9F & tumblr . com/t-u-i-t-c/697894945443446785/dapperowl-were-in-this-together tumblr . com/sugarling5/739095128782831616 & tumblr . com/are8exist/706126591221268480/%E4%BB%AE%E9%9D%A2%E3%83%A9%E3%82%A4%E3%83%80%E3%83%BC%E3%83%93%E3%83%AB%E3%83%89%E3%82%AF%E3%83%AD%E3%83%BC%E3%82%BA & tumblr . com/hykwy4d10/177439938428 [8/?]

tumblr . com/gurayura/667866638050377728/dapperowl-ship-request-23-banjou-ryuga-x-kiryu & tumblr . com/sugarling5/713713361882431488 & tumblr . com/sugarling5/695763665548443648 tumblr . com/sugarling5/695763147565481984 & tumblr . com/sakura-neko6/675544478634934272/best-match & tumblr . com/sugarling5/695763006418780160 tumblr . com/demonrice/707712798078205952/best-match & tumblr . com/chacerider/171282562945/hey-sento-why-is-sawa-like-never-around-anymore & tumblr . com/chacerider/171693183615/banjou-seriously-where-do-you-get-those-shirts also here's some fanart you should check out after at least finishing ep. 21: tumblr . com/takeru-tenkuuji/654993427244695552/forcefed-all-of-build-to-han-in-a-weekend-because & tumblr . com/warpstaffs/734561293033472000/sento-kiryu-being-a-pathetic-wet-rabbit-born-in-a & tumblr . com/curlytsunamiart/175360646354/some-ryusen-doodles and then fanart you should look at after at least finishing ep. 22: tumblr . com/takeru-tenkuuji/636342648384421888/22-victory-of-tears & tumblr . com/sugarling5/702007406407876608 [9/?]

and also an edit to watch after finishing ep. 21: tumblr . com/ampersandra/634012352750206976/fuck-it-i-already-posted-this-to-twt-but-this-is some more official photoshoots and promotional images: tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/629800422400475136 & tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/625348446430412800 & tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/181324726008 (this one is a photoshoot they did for hei gen forever like what i mentioned earlier) tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/189774335268 & tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/190142084718 & tumblr . com/katsuragitakumi/190628550003 & tumblr . com/kabutoraiger/178192987118/an-end-to-hero-visions-build-wall-saga-and tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/705756018521571328 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/702807993153110016 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/703409601880752128 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/706343095445405696 tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/703322473764175872 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/705481362691538944 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/706614483275202560 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/706794700001165312 tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/702356656449847296 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/704808697243795456 & tumblr . com/writing-in-sin/706252816585474048 [10/?]

more official merch + kr cafe stuff: tumblr . com/kabutoraiger/648150309174198272/wake-up-babes-new-best-match-jewelry-dropped & tumblr . com/himitsusentaiblog/182766108575/kamen-rider-the-diner-in-ikebukuro-is-doing-a plus i think i might have previously mentioned that the show's theme song had an official english version sung by the same singer (beverly), so now here's the full lyric video (no spoilers dw): youtu . be/G87WJDpNC8Y?si=Fha4f1SBqIfGiqDW also since we've talked about the toku to bl pipeline before, especially with both of build's leads infamously being part of it, here's something you might be interested in: tumblr . com/missmako-chan/739247201631469569/is-this-quote-from-a-bl-or-a-tokusatsu (no overt spoilers btw, aside from out-of-context quotes, and iirc there's only one from build used and it's from an episode i know you've already watched, though the translation used here might be somewhat different from the one you saw; also there's like a couple of cm quotes here too) [11/?]

i took that quiz a while back and got around 70%, which isn't too bad considering i'd only watched like the first half of build at that point and haven't seen any other toku even until now, and have also only watched like 3 bl dramas and not all of them were included here, though overall a lot of it was definitely lucky guessing and the others (both for the toku and bl ones) were stuff i became aware of through osmosis. anyway don't feel pressured about getting a high score though, it's all in good fun and i also wanted to let you see for yourself just how homoerotic toku can get to the point of often being indistinguishable from actual bls 😔 and on this note, you also mentioned in your last reply that kazumi/grease's actor (takeda kouhei) seemed familiar to you - the reason for that might be that you recognize him as one of the leads in old fashion cupcake, which was a pretty popular bl too from what i've heard? idk if you've ever watched it though (i haven't seen it myself, but i might in the future), but yeah that makes 3 main male actors in build part of the pipeline so far (insert even more jokes about "you can't spell build without bl" and heated drama between men here lmao) (and tbh i actually still have some additional posts and tweets on hand, but this is already getting very long and i don't want to overwhelm you even more than i probably already have so i'll just reserve them to share with you another time whgjtsfs) [12/?]

anyway, feel free to go ahead and already ramble about whatever new episodes you may have seen by now, even as i haven't finished writing my full response to your last message yet 👍🏼 especially since you last stopped at ep. 20 (whew what an episode to end on), so that means it's time for everyone's favorite build episode next... like i'm not kidding when i say almost everyone leaves ep. 21 with their brain chemistry fundamentally altered bc it's just that powerful 😭 so i'm really looking forward to seeing your reactions to it 😳 and hope you watch ep. 22 asap too bc it's a banger of a follow-up to 21 🫶🏼 (also now you're delving further into the parts showing who exactly the silly rabbit with a death wish is and just why he has one... hehe) djwjdhfs thanks, i'm so honored that you trust me to be your kr senpai 🙏🏼 and yes i'm done, but like i said earlier, i'm still in the process of organizing my thoughts and writing them down into a concrete summary so it might take a bit longer before i can send the next batch of messages to you. and oh i knew about tsukutabe/she loves to cook and she loves to eat and that it aired its first season like 2 years ago and that there was an upcoming second season, but i didn't realize it had started airing already :O i've been interested in it for a while and actually started reading the manga last year and liked it so far (but i wasn't able to continue past the first few chapters yet bc i got distracted by other media, including kr lol), so thanks for the reminder that i should pick the manga up again + start watching the drama at some point soon 👍🏼 and it's okay i understand, especially since both are good stories worth getting into :-) plus again, no pressure and take your time in watching, and hope you enjoy finishing build and the other shows!! 🥰 [13/13]

kr anon hi again!!!! first off thank u SO MUCH for all these links omgg so much fanart to look at i am so grateful.... 😭🙏 sorry in advance to everyone else for the rb/rt spree that is about to happen in like 10 mins tho-- also i took the quiz and got a 47% which. yeah i was Not ready for how gay those toku quotes got what the fuck.???? like i recognized maybe 5 of them from cm/odt/build/heartstopper but the rest girl... i was Struggling......i still have much to learn about the pipeline i see 👁👁 also also yeah i think thats where i recognize kazumis actor from?? i havent watched that show either but i got a rec for it way before so id seen the poster for it and yeah thats the one i rembered....the pipeline goes crazy what the hell

but also its been so hectic i literally havent had time to watch any further from where i left off last time ough ... literally just as i thought id have time after finishing tsukutabe i got pulled into watching another show by a friend so i think im gonna wait to finish that + cm anime first before getting back into build properly bc i rlly wanna Remember whats going on in the show instead of forgoring it all in the haze of the media consumption fdsfjkdsj,, but still if u wanna share anything else in the meanwhile or if u have ur review of the show pls do send them over id love to see/read!!! 👐

#if i can im gonna try watching ep21 and 22 soon at least bc the way u described it makes me So curious......... #but until then i will munch on these posts thank u for the food #my answer

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. 4

a/n: uwuwuwuwu @animesportboys​ and i were just talking about this and my heart was just bursting at this thought 😭

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

also requests are currently closed right now since i have like nearly 30 to finish so please be patient with me and wait for me to finish it all and until then i can open them up again. however, dont stop sending me cute stuff okay?  🥺

summary: its the time of the month for seijoh’s manager 🥺

@ yn when shes extra moody and mean during that time and does this every time she hears anything even come out of the boys’ mouth

oh dear

so basically

it’s,,,,,, a natural thing that most girls go through every month for more than half of their lives and its absolutely D R E A D F U L

the boys ofc knew what the hell a period was bc hello health class so they knew you would become this,,, other version of yourself

youd be moodier, childish, and easy to annoy and snap to everyone

but you would quickly realize how you’re acting then be all regretful and teary and cry easily and then youd forget about it then start the cycle again

you’d stick your tongue out at them and tease them mercilessly, making them run even more laps and pushing them harder

‘I SEE THOSE ARMS SHAKING, IWAIZUMI HAJIME. ADD 15 MORE TO THAT ROUTINE’

‘WHAT?!’

‘IF I SEE YOU EVEN A STEP BEHIND KINDAICHI, YOU WILL BE RUNNING 8 MORE LAPS KUNIMI’

‘NOO!!!!’

‘CHECK YOURSELF OUT ONE MORE TIME, YAHABA, I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES’

‘HAVE MERCY!!!!’

dear god they hated it

when it was time, they would protect themselves and work even harder and be more perfect to make sure you couldnt see their faults and point them out and try and kill them

it was like war for everyone

but they didnt know the exact date it started so they didnt really know when to start preparing for war until it came

this time, you didnt either

you didnt even know you were starting as you were extra busy booking the buses for away comps and collecting and emailing teachers for any missed homeworks for the team

so when it did start,,,

oh dear part 2

it wasnt really something you found out when you woke up that morning but you noticed you must be getting close since you were feeling extra cranky and you havent even been awake for more than an hour

nothing really happened throughout the day so you were just thinking that you didnt get enough sleep last night so you were just tired and wanted to sleep

but then it happened

you were standing next to iwa, reviewing his spike percentages when you shifted your weight to the other leg and then your eyes widened

your water broke

i saw this tiktok of this one girl and she was about to start filming with her friend when her eyes widened and her friend knew immediately and her caption was ‘my water broke’

iwa was worried as heck on to what was going on with you and even followed your gaze to see it on the wall and nothing out of the ordinary

‘y/n?’

‘oh god’

you mumbled and you wanted to run but you were too scared that you leaked and probably have an obvious redness on your white track pants

yep it def was your time bc you felt tears welling up in your eyes and you sniffled, embarrassed and upset for this to happen now, of all times

then oikawa tooru bursted through the doors

iwa, taking his eyes off of you and to the captain, started to yell at him until he noticed the brunette’s flushed face and panting form, hunched over as he gripped on the door handle with the plastic bag

you, too busy trying to think of a way to get out of there like deciding to waddle or to just crawl, didnt see oikawa as he approached you

the team paused and watched as he took a black hoodie from the plastic bag and wrapped it around your waist

‘hmm, y/n-chan, better get dressed so we can go now’

he hummed and you snapped out of your panic and looked up at him with watery eyes

‘oikawa-san’

you whispered and he nodded, eyes knowing what was going on

‘coach, theres a planetarium special tonight’

oikawa shouted without tearing his gaze away from you and coach irihata instantly knew, knowing the code that oikawa came up with when you became a part of the family team

the elder coach made a noise of agreement and oikawa didnt wait to up and carry you in his arms and waved to the team while pushing your head in his chest so you can hide

‘work hard everyone!’

‘oi, shittykawa! what the hell-!’

but an intense side-eye from his best friend shut him up and he knew something happened so he didnt say anything since he trusts oikawa to fix it

‘i trust you will take care of them, iwa-chan’

iwaizumi nodded firmly before shouting to resume back to practice and he himself went back to the line for spikes

you were carried to the bathroom so you could change into your emergency undies and pad and after you did your business, oikawa noticed you uncomfortably waddling towards him so he took you back into his arms

oikawa continued to carry you like his bride down the street towards an unknown destination, humming a children’s show tune that takeru loved to watch, while you maintained curled around yourself, partly due to the shame but also from the pain in your abdomen

you wiped the few stray tears that spilled past your eyes and oikawa chuckled when he noticed you aggressively wipe them off

‘hmm, y/n-chan, you shouldnt do that to yourself. it irritates your eyes and the skin around it so gently dab it next time, kay?’

you nodded, burrowing back to his chest and breathing in his scent

french toast

he smelled like french toast as the smell of caramel and vanilla wafted into your nose

‘howd you know’

you mumbled against the fabric of his jacket

oikawa stopped his humming and replaced it with a chuckle

‘oh, y/n-chan. oikawa-san is a reliable senpai, dont you know? i got a tracker! just for you!’

he answered and your eyes moved from his arm to his smile and you gripped his jacket tighter, fingers curled around it as if it was your lifeline

‘thank you, oikawa-san’

your words of appreciation made oikawa’s heart thump and he faltered a little, blush creeping up his neck, but he fought it down, covering it up with a smirk

‘you should be, y/n-chan! girls would kill to be you right now!’

you rolled your eyes at the return of his cocky attitude but you knew better

the real oikawa tooru was under that mask

turns out, he carried you to his home as his house was the closest while yours had to be taken by a bus

thankfully his parents were out and his sister and nephew were in a trip in tokyo that you had the house to yourselves without anyone asking questions that might make you uncomfortable and them misunderstand

he shut the door with his foot and made his way up the stairs with ease, his strength truly impressing you at that moment, before settling you down on his bed

it wasnt even on purpose but you curled yourself on his blanket, head buried in his pillow

his heart combusted and tooru had to look away or else he wouldve jumped on you and coddled you forever

instead, he quickly ran over and knelt down under his desk to reach for the box that he has prepared for you

‘y/n-chan, i never knew your pattern until last month so i was able to prepare for you now’

you looked up from your position on the bed and sat up enough to see him standing there, grinning with a mint green box

‘wh-what is that?’

you asked and he shuffled over, sitting next to you

‘this, is the y/n care love box! this special box was created by yours truly with everything you want and need during this dreadful week. theres your favorite food, warm socks, coupons you can spend like watching movies and eating ten tubs of ice cream while we talk shit about the boys’

he listed, gripping the box nervously 

‘so? do you like it?’

he looked away from the box and to you but his smile slipped into a panicked one when he saw you silently crying and biting your lip to keep the sobs in

‘y-y/n-chan! i-its okay if y-you dont like it! o-oikawa-san can-’

‘no!’

you cut him off and lunged to hug him with all your might

hehe all might

E A T   T H I S

‘i love you so much, oikawa-san! so much! thank you!’

you sobbed into his neck and he tightly hugged you back, lifting you so you could comfortably sit on his lap straddle him if you want me to be straight forward

oikawa gently moved so he was leaning against the wall that his bed was pressed against while you were pressed against his warmth

his fingers were drawing small circles on your back and whispering corny jokes or puns that made you giggle and laugh and occassionally, he would kiss your nose and you would whine at the ticklish feeling

eyes fleeting around the room, your eyes settled back on the box and you reached out, wanting to grab it until oikawa beat you to it and snatched it for you then placed it on your hold

‘whats inside, oikawa-san?’

you cutely mumbled, sitting comfortably back on his thighs so you could open the box in front of you

oikawa laughed

‘just open it and figure it out yourself, y/n-chan’

you pouted at his tease but smiled widely when you revealed the contents inside

‘oikawa-san!’

his eyes followed your surprised expression and his hands gripped your waist

‘you like it?’

he whispered and you nodded, looking back up at him and kissing his cheek, his 

‘youre so sweet, oikawa-san! like-like this candy bar! howd you know i like this?’

you held up the treat and he shrugged

‘i keep seeing you get it whenever we go to the store’

you continued to sift through the things, seeing a dvd of your favorite movie, a f/c heating pad, a note that said your favorite ice cream was in the fridge, a bag of your favorite chips, fluffy socks, the goodies

you didnt even notice yourself crying again, only realizing it when there were wet spots beneath you

oikawa saw this and he quickly but gently put the box to the side and cradled your face with both of his hands, softly wiping the tears away with his thumbs

‘aw, dont cry, my little baby. princesses should never cry’

you sniffled and choked a laugh

‘hah, n-not a baby. j-just hor-monal’

you complained and oikawa snickered but shook his head then kissed your nose again

‘youre my baby’

you didnt have it in you to complain so you went back to snuggling into him

oikawa squeezed you and went back to drawing the circles on your back and he felt you relax into his touch and slump against his form, slowly starting to snore

your head rested on his shoulder and he turned slightly to watch your eyes flutter and nose scrunch when a strand of your hair fell on it

his heart continued to beat faster and faster and it showed by the way his fingers shook as he carefully lifted the hair away from you

he slowly bent down to give you a kiss on the forehead before laying you down to sleep more comfortably

‘good night, princess’

he sweetly placed a last kiss on your cheek before getting up to go prepare your heating pad for when you wake up

the next few days were possibly the best period days youve ever had

maybe because it was oikawa telling the team that you were in,,,,, satan’s domain currently and they should be careful with you so they tried their best to lift the weight and burden off of your shoulders

however,,

the next day after the incident,,,

they still didnt know what was wrong with you and oikawa forgot to text the gc about your condition so they were still unknowing

like today

during your classes, you were feeling off, almost nauseous but eating little bits of your chocolate treats were helping you get through until lunch

ofc kunimi noticed bc hellow he sits next to you and he doesnt pay attention during class so hes been watching you sneak little bites so the teacher doesnt see and ducking under your book

he was just amused with the way your eyes would widen if you thought the teacher caught you

kindaichi and kunimi and you usually ate lunch together at your classroom since you three only got to hang out as first years during lunch

so they know you usually have a bento with you and have a general idea of how much you eat

and kunimi thought since you ate all those chocolates earlier, you wouldnt eat as much food but then he saw you scarf down your bento, eat 2 more bags of chips and was finishing last chocolate bar

kindaichi,,,, wasnt even finished with his own bento and was watching you, amazed, at how easily you ate all of it

they didnt say anything since they thought you just didnt eat dinner last night but even during the walk towards the gym for after school practice, you were complaining that you were hungry and was eating another chocolate bar

they thought something was truly wrong bc you were eating so much more than usual

kunimi watched you chew on it as you opened the gym door and still ate even when you were talking to mattsun about his jump height

‘man, you sure are hungry, aren’t you, y/n? thats like your fifth chocolate bar today’

kunimi teased, grabbing a ball to spike but he froze, seeing you with the coldest and angriest look hes ever seen

you blinked at him, grip tightening on the treat, and mattsun slowly backing away from you

you advanced towards the blep boy, treat already forgotten and shoved to be held by mattsun 

despite your shorter height than kunimi, he trembled slightly as you looked up at him

‘are you calling me fat, kunimi? are you? am i fat? do you think im ugly? im a piggie?’

you ranted and slowly started crying, making kunimi frantically scramble to stop you before the other upperclassmen see or worse, oikawa-san

‘y/n-wait-no!-um’

‘y/n-chan?’

kunimi shut his eyes tightly in fear at the deadly sweet voice of his captain and kindaichi and mattsun sent a quick prayer to their fellow teammate before he was going to get killed

‘uh oh, i think we’d have to start looking for a replacement for kunimi’

makki, who just arrived, teased making kindaichi fearfully look at him

‘eh?!’

‘oh, you first years have never seen oikawa mad, have ya? well, you’ll get front seat of it!’

mattsun clapped him in the back making him gulp

you werent sobbing but you were definitely crying, tear tracks quickly being wetted by the numerous amount of tears that fell

kunimi scrambled to his knees and folded himself, forehead resting on the floor by his hands

‘I APOLOGIZE! PLEASE DONT KILL ME! I APOLOGIZE! PLEASE FIND MERCY IN YOURSELF AND FORGIVE ME, Y/N-SAMA!’

it was certainly a sight to see

normally calm and collected and chill and relaxed hippie kunimi begging to be forgiven

oikawa stepped forward but you quickly felt the change of your mood, feeling bad for your boy and scrambling to pull him back up

‘oh kunimi-kun! dont kneel like that! the floor is too hard and might give you knee pain!’

it was like whiplash

iwa stepped in the gym and saw the team’s confused and bewildered expressions and saw you, kunimi, and oikawa and he shook his head

this aint even half of bad as he has seen

oikawa gently took you away from kunimi and held you to him instead, giving you a smile, to which you returned, and looked at kunimi, a deadly glint in his eye

‘what happened, y/n-chan?’

the tone of his voice sent a chill to run down everyone’s spines and even iwa, the boy who’s seen this a handful of times, shivered and nervously watched oikawa, ready to jump in

but you just blinked, completely unaware of the change of atmosphere

‘oh, um, i overreacted. i was eating too much food today and mustve annoyed him or something’

you sheepishly mumbled but oikawa was having none of it

‘no, its fine. youre literally bleeding out as we speak! dont feel the need to validate yourself!’

he lightly scolded while you hung your head low and continued to apologize but he gently bonked your head before scolding you again

the team definitely knew now that you were in that,,,, time and they definitely knew now, especially kunimi, that even if youve seen oikawa mad, youd think that the devil was more merciful than him when it relates to the topic of you

a/n: i swear to GGGOOOOODDDDDD im an oikawa whore who cant seem to stop writing for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!! imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu!! headcanons #aoba johsai #aoba johsai x reader #aoba josai x reader #aoba josai #seijoh #aoba johsai imagines #aoba josai imagines #seijoh imagines #seijoh manager #haikyuu manager #haikyuu!! manager #aoba johsai manager #aoba josai manager #seijoh x reader #aoba johsai headcanons #aoba josai headcanons #seijoh headcanons #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu!! fluff #aoba johsai fluff #aoba josai fluff #seijoh fluff

[antiloreolympus]

5 Anti LO Asks

1. im probably biased here, but im really disturbed by how hyper masculine rachel made her hades. in mythology and especially art he's a character who is depicted with features that made him constantly confused for dionsyus (aka the gender-noconforming legend themselves). im not saying he has to be a queer coded character but from myth he's a god who didnt not adhere to gender binaries, so rachel making his a Blue Hot-Blooded Heterosexual CisgeNdered Man Who Likes Sex™️ just seems really wrong.

2. What bothers me with the portrayal of Persephones act of wrath is that is it constantly represented as her doing that bc she lost her friends but it’s not that at all. She goes there, asks the mortals what they were doing looking scared as hell and then gets mad and has the wrath when they push her and call her an unimportant goddess, which don’t make sense at all considering that : a) she’s Demeters daughter and since she is an important goddess to mortals i’m pretty sure they would value Persephone the same and b) Minor goddess or not, mortals back then would never disrespect a god or goddess bc they knew not to mess with them. The whole plotline of the wrath doesn’t make sense. If the mortals had a treaty with Demeter why would they ignore it?? And that’s when Persephone gets mad. She doesn’t get mad bc they killed her friends, she gets mad bc they don’t respect her. Her looking all scared and sad when asking the mortals makes it look more like an act of sadness if we’re going with the plotline that she killed them bc of her friends deaths. She gets angry for a bit, which is enough to make her mad and then she is portrayed as sad and scared again thus not really making it an act of wrath. She’s not angry or wants revenge, she’s just sad and scared bc she’s big and can’t control her powers and now is killing mortals. Given the anticipation and the big deal they made out of her act of wrath, the actual act of wrath portrayed in the chapters was extremely disappointing. Minthe’s, Thanatos and Thetis version seemed like an actual act of wrath and would actually make more sense given that RS has decided to give Persephone a split personality and the “feeling” which is basically just eyes watching over her.

3. in terms of the wrath, i think the plan was to have it like it was originally shown, aka persephone snapping and killing them of her own will. it was hyped up as something demeter wanted to cover up, so it'd make sense to be like that. i think it was changed at the last minute because rachel saw how badly the fandom took it and used her "break" to rework it into what we have now, which just makes it worse. That's why you plan ahead and don't write the week off based off of fan reactions.

4. what i also dont get about LO is how casually everyone just strolls into Hades' house? I thought a big part of the myth was that most gods couldnt get down to the Underworld, that's why they sent Hermes because he's one of the few who can go between both worlds. I can excuse the Underworld being more open like an actual city, fine, but why is everyone so casually strolling into his actual home? Isn't he a king? Shouldn't he have security, especially while he's housing a fugitive from the law? 🤔

5. The only drawing of Persephone i’ve liked in LO so far is the one shown where she’s explaining her act of wrath to Hades and she says something alot the lines of “i’m glad you got to see my version of spring” or sth like that. She’s like a mix of green,blue and pink and the unruly hair really makes her stand out. Although having different colours is usually shown for nymphs in LO for Persephone it actually makes much more sense. And come to think of it, it’s actually kind of dumb that the gods aren’t a mixture of different colours and hues bc this way we’d be able to know who’s who and they’d look different from the nymphs (if you don’t consider the ears the only difference between them)

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lo critical #lore olympus critical #anti lo art

[iridescentides]

rules: to show appreciation of gifmakers and how much they grow and what they do, post one of your first gifs and one of your most recent gifs, then tag some gifmakers to see how much they’ve grown and improved.

i was tagged by @smilecapsules! thank you so much sarah!

okay i couldnt decide on just two gifs to post, so this is really just gonna be a giant journey through all my gifmaking progress up to this point. for your sake, i have hid it under the read more.

if you want the tl;dr version, it can basically be summed up in that i went from this:

to this:

in just one year!

here is one of the first gifs i ever made:

back in 2016-2017 i used an app called gif toaster on my ipad to make super simple basic gifs from videos that i downloaded from youtube, with another ipad app that is not available anymore. this gif is important bc girl meets world (and specifically rilaya) is what made me want to gif in the first place! i was so inspired by all the beautiful, deep, creative edits made by the gmw fandom and wanted to make cool stuff of my own. i definitely had a phase where i edited the lyrics to girls like girls onto every wlw pairing i ever shipped.

next theres this one:

which is a sample from probably the worst gifset i have ever created. i dont delete anything ever, so if you go far enough back in my tag, its still there. i used to edit gifs frame by frame, with like 4 different apps/websites. that clover? i painstakingly added it in the same spot over and over to each individual frame!

and here’s the last pre-photoshop example i will include:

when i learned how to use overlays on lunapic and had a very prolific text post meme phase, which i mostly put to work on my andi mack sideblog. despite the absolutely awful quality, this gifset has more notes than most of the sets ive posted. descendants 2 was so fun to post about.

i pretty much took a year off from tumblr in 2018, stopped creating stuff for the most part, became disconnected from lots of my old online friends. BUT THEN a bitch came back better than ever and finally took the steps to start learning photoshop in the summer of 2019! here are some samples of things i made when i had just barely learned to use photoshop:

i started off with a gifset of my favorite band, bc ultimately my motiviation for making gifs always has and always will be to preserve the things i love the most. a few things to note here: i think i pretty much only added a brightness layer to this (bc i didnt know how to color yet), i hadnt heard of optimal dimensions so i didnt bother resizing this, and the image is vertically squished, which i didnt know how to fix at the time. i remember that it was a huge accomplishment for me to learn how to add text.

next we have this one:

where i started learning how to use brushes. i was very focused on the umbrella academy when i first started using photoshop, and i was determined to teach myself to add pretty colors to things!

but THIS is where i changed the game:

THIS is where it really started, folks! i had seen enough coloring tutorials to learn how to use selective color layers. and the first thing i did with them was oversaturate my cyans into oblivion. this was the best gif in the set, and everyone’s skin was super yellow toned in all the others.

from there i became more adventurous:

this sally gif marks a point in time where i started getting comfortable with my position as a gifmaker. i started to develop my coloring own style. but funnily enough, at this point, i still didnt know how to sharpen yet! i was still editing in frames instead of timeline, and i couldnt figure out what the people in tutorials were talking about when they mentioned timeline stuff.

in december i posted a hairspray gifset that i would define as the moment i learned and started mastering the vibrant coloring that i still do to this day:

after this i arrived at what i consider to be my current style in terms of coloring and creativity.

[warning, coming next is a massive dump of recent (since march) gifs that im very proud of]

so there you have it! i went from struggling and being very hard on myself for not having edits that i thought were as good as other people’s, to really finding my style and voice as a gifmaker. im so proud of how far ive come and everything im able to make and do now! if you are someone who is just starting out as a gifmaker, my advice to you is to not worry if what youre making isnt perfect! it takes a lot of work and practice to get to the place you wanna be, but definitely enjoy the journey, read lots of tutorials, and always try to keep learning!

im tagging: @ewangmcgregor​ @dancingwithourshandstied​ @colewald​ @asterflor​ @zu-ko​ @queenrojpag​ @stanzier​ @vangoghs​ @crayonstoperfume​ @tmhnks​ @diegohargreves​ @timeslord​ @gabriellabolton​

#this was so fun! #tag game #ask game #question tag #gif progress

[wreckofawriter]

I Don't Love

Pairing: Sirius Black x reader

Word count: 7,392 (Woah)

Warnings: Alochal, smoking, talk of sex.

Request: Hiii! Could I request a Sirius x reader imagine where the reader is like the girl version of Sirius. She wears her own leather jacket, and she’s basically a heartbreaker. Like Sirius, she doesn’t really believe in love, she believes in lust and attraction. Until She meets Sirius and starts falling for him and she’s super confused bc she’s never felt love before and Sirius starts falling for her and he’s confused cus of the same reason and it’s just super cute and fluffy 🥺

A/n: A few things: Number one. I am so incredibly sorry that this took me like 2 weeks to write. I had some pretty shitty crap go down and it just sorta fucked with me and I couldnt write. Number two. This is a little less fluffy than I wanted it to be but it still has a fluff ending. And Number three. To all the people who have sent me requests. I am going to start writing regularly again now so, I will probally have one out at the end of the week and another out around sunday or monday. Thank you so much for you patience.

    You had officially decided that there were two types of boys in this world. One would scream and yell at you when they realized you were only in it for one night, while the other would beg for a chance that you were never willing to give. 

               Conor had opted for the latter.

“Y/n, please” He begged, his eyes were wide and pleading, he was desperate. Desperate for you to stay, he just wanted a chance. 

    You sighed taking a large swig of your coffee, it was too early for this shit. “Conor how many times am I going to have to tell you, it was a one time thing.” your voice was monotone, as if you were bored, which was quite honestly the case. Have the same conversation over and over again tended to do that to a person. 

    “Please y/n, I swear you wont regret it. Just one date.” The Huffelpuff begged, he gasped your hand in attempts to gain your attention. He did not succeed. 

    You let out a stiffened groan, the conversation had become increasingly frustrating, the fact that most of the school was listening in on the exchange of words definitely didn't help. “Conor,” you spoke slowly, praying that he could get the information you were about to give him though his thick skull. “Friday night was fun.” you watched his features brighten, his sky blue eyes filling with momentary hope. “But that's all it was, Friday night and fun, so please leave me alone, you're giving me a headache.” 

    You heard the gasps and felt the glares, Conor was popular, he was also nice, and from what you heard extremely sweet. So as he slunk away from you head hung, tail between his legs, you could feel a good dozen people glaring daggers into your back.

    “Note to self: dont fuck popular people.” You mumbled quietly knowing you would never follow through with the rule. 

 You looked back down at your eggs rolling your eyes when you heard an all too familiar voice shriek in rage. 

    You along with everyone else in the hall turned to a furious Marlen Mckinnion who was practically dragging a smirking Sirius Black from his seat. 

    “You son of a bitch!” She shrieked, tears of fury and sadness leaking from her cheeks. 

    “Well my mother is a bitch.” He shrugged a cheeky grin pulling his lips apart. 

    She shrieked again, making you grimace. 

You tunned out of her pathetic argument and opted your attention to the book resting at the bottom of your bag. You were about a chapter in before you got sidetracked by Marleens redicoulsly high pitched blubbers. 

“How could you!” she sobbed behind you. God she was so loud. “You knew how I felt and you still fucked another girl!” 

You weren't sure why but this sentence made you snort. You attempted to muffle the giggles slowly evolving to laughter, but they poured passed your lips like an overflowing sink. Those close to you gave you angered looks, but you didn't care, you received enough of those already. It didn't take long for Marleen, to halt her reckless cries and turned to you with a fiery rage. 

She left Black standing where he was, her attention now focused purely on you. 

“What do you think is so funny y/l/n?” She hissed tears still sliding down her flushed cheeks, her mascara  trying her face into an angry blackened mess. 

You snorted once again “I'm sorry.” You wheezed out unable to contain your laughter, “I don't mean to offend you or anything,” You lied not even bothering to trap your giggles anymore. “It's just…” You burst into another fit.

The hall had gone quite, they wanted to see what was going to happen almost as much as you did. “You're telling me you actually believe that he cares what you felt?” 

He face flashed with surprise, you heard a few fellow Slytherins and even a couple Ravenclaws let out short bursts of laughter.

“How dare you!” She screamed, her voice shaky, hands bawled at her side.

“Look, it's nothing personal.” You shrugged calmly, "It's just ridiculous for you to overreact every time he sleeps with someone else. What did you expect?" You could feel hundreds of pairs of eyes on you, they were thirsting for chaos, something about the way Marleens face twisted at you words made it seem like there was a strong chance of their thirst being quenched. 

"Maybe I expected him to actually give a shit about somebody for once in his miserable life!" She yelled turning around to see the dark haired boy biting his lips to keep in a laugh. "For him to actually love me the way I loved him." 

You scoffed rolling your eyes, "You don't actually believe you were in love do you?" 

"Of course I do." She hissed back tears still leaking from her blackened eyes, she had now taken a few steps toward you 

"Love is bullshit. And if you belive you were actually in love with Black after sucking his dick once, than you just as stupid as you look." You smiled sickly sweet at the girl as she began towards you, her wand suddenly clenched in her right fist. 

"You worthless WHORE!" Her voice rang clear through the hall.

You didn't move, you didn't even flinch because the second she raised her wand it was flying from her hand landing in Avery's, who then muttered a spell that froze her feet into the ground. 

You sent him a cheeky smile and a wink before gathering your things and standing from your bench. You stood in front of the girl, just out of her reach. She was shrieking and crying and over all just a mess. 

"Salazar, your pathetic." You murmured in disgust. 

She yelled something at you couldn't understand, not that you cared to, you were pretty sure it involved the words slut and whore multiple times. 

"Well I best be off" you smiled, "As said in Shakespeare's Coriolanus, Act 2 Scene one, 'More of your conversation would infect my brain.'" And with that you turned on your heel and left the room, green robes billowing neatly behind you. 

A few days past, and as much as you tried to hide it, your world collapsed. Of course this had nothing to do with Marleen or any of her prideful, idiotic friends, this didn't have anything to do with school at all.

It had to deal with your home. You had officially decided that being pure blood sucked. Your whole life had been planned out for you and you didn't want to do even one thing on the pre planned timeline of your life. 

The first thing directly after graduation was marriage. 

You had been attempting to put this one off the longest, you were definitely not the type to settle down and start a family. In fact the idea made you gag. You didn't even like the commitment of a date, let alone of a marriage certificate. 

So when you mother sent you a letter containing a list of names. Your heart sunk to the floor. 

The top of the letter read, "My dearest daughter, as you know you are set to be married soon after graduation. Many young men have asked for your hand, me and your father picked the best of the best for you to choose from. I hope all is going well." And then a list of 11 names, some you had never heard of and some, you sat next to during your meals or studied with after class. 

The thought of marrying any of them made you feel empty inside. You didn't love any of them and you weren't sure you would ever be able to love any of them. 

But you said it yourself, love is bullshit.

This fact didn't stop you from being pushed into a dark hole by your mother's words. She wanted an answer by Christmas break, and hell, you hadn't been able to make a stable decision since you received the letter. 

It started with a party after Slytherin beat Hufflepuff in quidditch. That also happened to be the day you were sent a reminder of your impending doom. So alcohol solved all of your problems for a couple hours and you woke up in the bed of a Ravenclaw you didn't recognize. 

The next day you had an exam you failed which resulted in a mental breakdown that left you dehydrated with a migraine. 

You had downed seven Advils and passed out on your bed by eight. 

The next day your headache had progressed, you had taken an absurd amount of medication to ease the pain that day, you ended up in the locker rooms with a Gryffindor beater.

And now here you were already a quarter bottle deep of firewhisky staring at the list of names scrawled neatly on the tear stained parchment gripped tightly in your hand. 

You glared down at the grounds so far below you, wondering what it would be like if you just jumped. You wondered who, if anyone, would actually care. You wondered if Marleen and her bitchy friends would laugh, you wondered if, some would say you deserved it. They probably would. 

This brought a bubbly giggle to your lips, before the bottle you were holding drowned them. 

You glanced back down at the list. So far you had crossed out two names you would never marry even with a wand held to your neck. 

One was Lestrange, the other Malfoy. The thought of their hands touching you, lips on yours, made you gag. 

You glanced back down at the list circling your current top choice, you would have to do some research on the names you didn't recognize, they must go to a different school. 

You brought the cool glass of the bottle back to your lips, sighing slightly at the burning taste it brought with it. 

You let a few more tears slide down your  cheeks, one dripping lazily off your chin, you watched it disappear into the dark grounds below. For just a second it shimmered in the moonlight appearing to be a drop of pure silver, before it disappeared into the night.

You let out a heart broken sob before letting the stars see the bottom of your bottle. 

Just then you heard a short cough. 

You turned to see Sirius Black, he was adorned in a pair of black ripped jeans a queen t-shirt matched with his signature black leather jacket.

You glanced down at your own appearance, black skinny jeans, tares in each knee, white t-shirt that read "Fuck Off" in black letters and of course your signature black leather jacket. 

He so seemed to be eyeing your appearance. Yiu suspicions were confirmed when he spoke, "I see you've copied my style y/l/n." 

"You wish," you laughed, "I'm pretty sure your the one copying my style." 

He rolled his eyes before walking to your side and staring down at the shimmering of midnight dew on frosted grass. 

"What is Sirius Black doing alone up in the astronomy tower at night?" You asked curiously, offering him your bottle which he took, downing a quick swig, grimacing slightly. 

"I could ask you the same." He huffed glancing at you, taking in the wetness of your cheeks and red tinge in your eyes. 

"Well I asked first." You pointed out before glancing at him as he brought the bottle back to his lips. 

Sirius shrugged passing the liquor back to you. "I guess I just needed some alone time." 

"Guess I ruined that, didn't I." You smirked lazily. 

"Nah," Sirius sighed waving your comment away with his hand, "I didn't have a fire whiskey anyway." His smile was dopey, his hair drooping in front of his stormy grey eyes. 

You let out a giggle, taking another swig from the bottle. 

"So why are you up here." He asked teasingly. 

You grimaced taking another sip. 

Sirius waited for a response for a minute but as he watched you avoid his gaze he realised you weren't going to answer. He sighed sadly, "Come on, you gotta be drowning something with that shit." He motioned to the bottle your lips were closed around. 

You chuckled lazily, "Myself I guess." 

He let out a snort, something you've never seen him do, you simply assumed it was the alcohol getting to him.

Sirius glanced at your paper and before you could whip the list away he gasped.

"Why is my brother on your list!?" He asked in alarm. 

You said nothing feeling tears reach your eyes, the last thing you wanted was someone you barely knew knowing what was slowly tearing you apart. 

"And why is his name circled!?" 

You cringed tears pricking your eyes, Sirius glanced at you, flushing a bit at your glassy eyes, you weren't one to show emotions, seeing you smile alone was a rare opportunity, that was if you only counted sincere grins, not deadly smirks. But crying, he couldn't recall seeing you crying or hearing of you crying from anyone, he figured that you had about the emotional range of a teaspoon. 

But here you were tears sliding solemnly down your cheeks, moonlight causing the drops to shimmer like rare gems. 

"Is this some sick kill list or something?" 

No response, just tears, leaking silently from your deep y/e/c eyes. 

"Because if you mess with him I swear-" 

A choked laugh escaped you crimson lips, your tongue swiping some lipstick from them. "I'm not going to hurt you brother." You then handed him the note and turned, your back facing the window you were gazing from and sliding to the floor. 

Above you Sirius eyes widened as he read the note left by your mother before processing the list below. 

He glanced down at you, your mascara was leaking slightly from the corner of your eyes, your hair was a bit tangled, your hand wrapped around the neck of your bottle as you brought it to your lips, leaving a bit of deep red lipstick on its rim. He recognized the look on your face. It was completely vacant, despite the tears, no emotion lived in your features. 

Your eyes blank and staring, mouth a straight line, not turning up or down. Your whole face was simply empty. Sirius remembered seeing that face in his mirror after he received a letter from home. And he knew that you felt how you looked. Empty.

He sighed, sliding to the floor beside you. Your long black nails came to your face furiously wiping at the tears on your cheek, refusing to meet his eye. 

"I know this doesn't matter to you but 11 guys wanting to marry you is pretty good." Sirius shrugged attempting to lighten your mood

You emitted what was either a sob or a laugh, he couldn't tell, "There were more, my mom cut out the ones that she didn't think were 'acceptable'" you made air quotes with your hands. 

"Damn." The Gryffindor huffed, "What does the circle around Regs name mean?" He asked he didn't want to push you but he had to know. Because for some reason, he didn't want it to mean what he thought it did. 

You fidgeted with the end of your jacket, leaning your head back against the rock wall behind you. "He's my top choice." You mumbled, blushing a bit, another thing that Sirius had never seen you do, even when your sex life became everyone's life. 

Sirius cringed, feeling dread soak into his bones and fill him to the brim, the idea of the y/h/c in front of him marrying his younger brother made him sick. "W-why?" He stumbled lightly over his words as they seemed to get caught in his throat. 

You finally met his eyes, they seemed to swirl with different shades of grey like a hurricane with a black eye. 

"I don't know." You voice was rough, sounded like it was a tap away from breaking, "Hes nice, polite, attractive. He's not a complete perv." 

Sirius now wore a sly smirk, the corners of his lips curving up neatly, "You think Regulus is attractive?" 

You rolled your eyes, "Yes, of course I do, jawline like that don't grow on trees." 

Sirius let out a barking laugh, you could feel his shoulder shake beside you. 

You exhaled loudly rolling your eyes again before handing the bottle to Sirius. He glanced at the almost empty bottle than back at you eyebrows raised in a silent question. 

You shrugged, "High tolerance." 

"You know that isn't good right?" 

"No Black," you drawled sarcastically, "I'm as stupid as you are."

He smacked his hand to his chest and mimicked a shocked expression you felt your eyes roll instinctively in their sockets. 

He dropped the act and chuckled finishing off the bottle with a final swig. "So if you think my brothers hot, where does that leave me?" 

"God Black, don't you think your head is big enough already?" You inquired, raising an eyebrow. 

"Humor me." He smiled pulling out a pack of smokes. 

You took a cigarette, holding it out for him to light, "Fine, yes you are extremely attractive." 

He flashed a set of pearly straight teeth, the warm orange light from his lighter reflecting from them as he lit the smoke you held out to him. 

"How bout me?" You asked after taking a huff and watching as the smoke from your exhale trailed away. 

Sirisu hummed in confusion.

"You know, humor me, how attractive am I?" You asked nonchalantly.

Sirius suddenly felt color rise to his cheeks, he hoped you would blame it on the alcohol. The truth was no girls really asked him what he thought. Well that's a lie, they ask if he thought they were pretty all the time. Asked if he thought they were good enough. But never like this. They all cared, they would burst into tears if he answered wrong. They would hate him for an answer and love him for another. 

But not you. You didn't care in the slightest. He could have said he would have rather fucked a lizard than you and you would have shrugged and continued with the conversation. And something about that made Sirius flush. 

"Well? Don't tell me I'm that bad." You giggled, although your tolerance was high, the alcohol was definitely getting to you. 

Sirius quickly gained back his charms, "My dear y/n, trust me you are gorgeous." 

"Thank you." You smiled suggestively adding a wink that made Sirius stomach fill with wings. 

There was a long pause, the sound of crickets and small frogs chirping faint in your ears. Smoke drifted from the room as a crisp chill filled the air. 

Finally Sirius spoke, "So your really gonna marry my brother?" 

You cringed at the word marry scratching at your wrist nervously, "I guess so. What other choice do I have?" 

"You could leave." Sirius muttered putting out his cigarette on the wall behind him. 

"No I can't." You all but whispered.

"Yes you can y/n, no offense but your parents are assholes, you don't need them."

"No Sirius!" You yelled voice loud and echoing off the open room, "I can't." Your voice had dropped once again, your words almost inaudible."I can't." You repeated face once again empty of emotion. He watched in horror as you put your smoke out on your own skin. He could hear it sizzle in protest for just a moment before the small orange glow disappeared. 

"Why?" He asked annoyed, "What are you scared?" 

"Yes!" You shouted. Sirius' eyes widened in surprise and for a brief moment fear as you turned toward him in anger. "You wanna know why I can't leave? Because last time I tried to leave I almost died!"

Sirius eyes filled with guilt. His annoyed look turning to one of pity. 

"You think I haven't tried to leave? I have! The second my mom mentioned marriage I packed my bags! But when my mother and father caught me trying to sneak out they used two of three of the unforgivable curses on me to get me to stay!"

Sirius winced, feeling the pain from far away memories returning to him. 

"So I can't leave. They'll kill me. I know they will." 

Sirius said nothing. He simply sat staring straight ahead. You expected him to say some inspirational bullshit or just tell you to go for it, but he didn't. He just handed you another cigarette and lit it for you. 

Your face had been sucked of all signs emotion except for one tear rolling slowly down you right cheek. It had cooled from the midnight air and now felt like a drop of ice slowly melting down your warm cheeks. 

You could feel the alcohol slowly affecting you as if it was finally catching up with you. You could feel the rational parts of yourself drift away and just then it was occurring to you that you had been irrational since the long haired boy walked in. You turned towards him, head fuzzy, stomach buzzing, and he turned to you. 

Your eyes locked grey staring into y/e/c as y/e/c stared into grey. You blinked twice, attempting to make a decision. All you could think about was how empty you felt. How much you wanted to feel something. Sirius could do that. He could make you feel something. Something. 

Your lips connected with his sloppily, your nose bumping his, as you dropped your smoke, hands connecting with his hair as he fought for dominance in your mouth. You didn't taste anything but fire whiskey and cigarettes, nothing different than what you tasted of. His tongue explored your mouth as Sirius pulled you onto his lap. You felt his hands roam your body enjoying they pressure they held on your hips as his lips passed down your neck. Seconds before your memory fade to black, you remembered thinking how much different Sirius' hands felt on your skin than anyone else. 

You woke to a familiar sight. Well by familiar you mean unfamiliar, but unfamiliar had become familiar to you. You could feel a warm arm wrapped around your bare waist, your head pounding behind your eyes as a bare chest pressed to your back. 

You could also hear whispers. They were hushed and quick, you could only make out a few words.

"How did he-" a pause of mumbles 

"That's so-" more incoherent words, "I mean what about the…" the murmurs sunk to low for your ears to pick up. 

You opened your eyes slowly opened, you turned to see three boys who you recognized immediately staring at you. They all flushed realizing you were awake but before they could speak you brought your finger to your mouth. 

"Be quiet." You hissed dangerously, wincing at the sudden stab behind your head. 

They all nodded slowly, wide eyes trading for confused ones. You slowly slipped from the bed, doing everything in your power to not wake the boy sleeping next to you. 

You let out a sigh of relief hearing Sirius snore quietly, something you found yourself thinking was adorable. You turned to see the three boys staring at you in awe, shot them a smirk as you gathered your clothes sliding on your panties and bra. You could feel their eyes follow you around the room, honestly you didn't mind in the slightest. 

You turned after grabbing your jeans they were all bright red, James smirking as the other two refused to meet your eye. You felt your lips twitch into a wolfish grin. 

"Enjoy it while you can boys, this will be the last time you see it." 

James let out a hearty laugh as Peter looked away Remus blushing amazingly red. 

"Except you." You pointed at the werewolf "You might see this again." You winked as he sputtered for words.

You slid on your t-shirt snatching your jacket from the ground. "Hopefully I'll see some of you again very soon." you winked, eyes locked with Remus as he grew impossibly warmer. 

You then walked promptly from the dorm room, earning a few glances, but you didn't care, you walked swiftly to your own common room, muttering the password and entering. A few first years looked up before whispering to each other. You rolled your eyes heading to your dorm. You were greeted by a pissed off pair of deep brown eyes adorned in yellow robes.

"You said you would study with me this morning!" Harper scrolled you. 

"I can still study!" You fought back, calling on to your bed.

"Please." Your friend scoffed, "Your hung over and what ever boy you got back from fucking is going to wake up and look for you." 

You laughed, "Please." 

"They always look for you because your too pussy to tell them you only wanted to get laid."

"Trust me this guy is not going to look for me." You assured her as you stood rummaging through your things for something to dull the pain in your head. 

"They always look." Harper said with a roll of her eyes.

"This guy won't." You promised tossing back some advils you found.

"Is he dead?" She asked sarcastically. 

"No." 

"Then he'll look for you." She stated matter of factly. 

"Look its Sirius Black he's not going to look for anyone." You sighed, and for some reason this realization brought you nothing but pain. The idea of him not caring hurt. But you weren't sure why. It's not like you cared. 

"You slept with Black?" Harper gasped.

"Yes" you rolled your eyes, "Half the school has done it, it's not that big of an accomplishment." 

Harper let out a magnificent laugh, "That's true. Now come on, if you can study, let's study." 

It was in your firm belief that Sirius would not look for you, talk to you or even mention you, but boy did you wish he would. As you walked down to the library you found your self craning your neck to catch a glimpse of his glossy black hair or his dashing grin. But you saw no such thing, he didn't care. You reminded yourself, and neither do you.

You had run into the younger Black brother though. He had greeted you and Harper politely despite the Hufflepuffs half-blood status. He had even carried the books you had been struggling with for you. He walked you to the library sharing a small conversation before heading to breakfast.

"Are you gonna choose him?" Harper asked, "He gives off like a mysterious, proper sorta vibe."

You darkened slightly at the memory of choosing your betrothed, making Harper regret her decision on topics of decisions, mumbling an apology. 

You waved her off, "I don't know." Your awnser was honest, you had no fucking clue. 

"Well, I think Black is a pretty good choice, he's nice, he's polite, not to mention really hot." She shrugged attempting to lighten the mood. 

"Yeah he is." You hummed thinking of a different Black. 

Harper didn't miss the distance your eyes held. Something was up with you. Not just the shit with your family but something else. 

But before she could ask a booming voice called out your name. 

Both girls turned to meet eyes with four boys. Two hanging back slightly as the other two headed straight towards your table. 

"They always look." Harper mumbled beside you, but you couldn't hear her over the rushing in your ears. Your heart began to speed as the pair of grey eyes you had looked for this morning shined brightly at you. 

"Yes, Black?" You asked casually as if you didn't feel like suddenly throwing up. 

"Left quite early this morning." He sneered playfully plopping into the chair next to you. 

"Well your snoring woke me." You lied turning back to your work attempting to ignore the pressure his stare held on you. 

"Also gave the boys quite a show." He shrugged, "Didn't know you were into Remus." 

You ignored Harpers confused glance and Remus' flushing face behind you. 

"Please." You scoffed, "We all know I'm flirty by nature." 

Sirius felt his heart squeezed, he really didn't mean anything to you. Who cares you didn't mean anything to him. "I guess we do." He huffed feeling suddenly overwhelmly sad. He glanced up at you, your y/h/c hair framing your soft face, y/e/c eyes glinting your pretty pink lips pulled to a lopsided grin. God how he wanted to feel them against his skin again. 

"Is there a reason for your visit?" You asked impatiently, not liking the queasy feeling that his presence gave you. 

"Oh, umm y-yes." Siriua stumbled on his words. "I have your jacket." He shoved the leather jacket he was holding at you. "I think you have mine." 

You flushed, "Oh, sorry, it's in my room. I can go get it I'd you-" 

"Its fine." Sirius assured you, placing his hand on your shoulder. The touch felt electric, like a spark that will set off a bomb. Sirius eyes roamed you landing on the dark marks he left on the open skin on your neck. You bathed in crimson when you noticed where his eyes lingered. 

"Sirius!" James voice brought him back to reality. The boy removed his hand from your shoulder and snapped his eyes back to your own. 

"I'm, I'm sorry." He stuttered scratching the back of his neck. 

"It's fine." You smiled weakly. 

"So um I'll, I'll just go." He tumbled banging his knee as he stood, he swore as James let out a barking laugh. 

"Wait what about your jacket?" Harper called after him.

"Just bring it to me whenever." He spoke hurriedly, he needed to get out of there. 

You let out a breath you didn't realize you were holding when he exited the room. 

Harper looked at your eyebrows raised.

"What?" You asked attempting to turn your attention back to your essay. 

"You're blushing." She pointed out, "You never blush." 

"I am not blushing." You huffed angrily even though you could feel your face glow. 

"Yeah sure." Harper drawled eyeing you skeptically.

"I'm not!" You exclaimed.

"Totally." She said narrowing her eyes. 

"Stop saying it like that!" You shouted.

"Like what." 

You let out a frustrated whimper grabbing your things and heading for the doors. "I was not blushing!" You added quickly before retreating to your common room, cheeks still burning. 

The next week was weird, it was like someone had flipped a switch to make you like everyone else. 

Suddenly you became awkward and clumsy, you blushed and stuttered when you were nervous. It was all so strange and awkward and it was all because of him. 

Sirius Blafk had done something to you. You didn't know what it was and you did not care for it in the slightest. Every Time you saw him you hated the way you looked. You suddenly began to wonder if your makeup was too dark or if your hair was too messy. When you passed him in the hall, you felt your throat close and your stomach do flips. 

In charms you couldn't focus anymore. He was alway right across from you laughing with his friends and playing pranks on Snape. You were now constantly biting your long nails, something you had never done before, you had begun to find your mind wandering subjects you didn't want it to. It was if you had lost all control of your thoughts. And you had. 

Sirius found himself in a similar situation. Suddenly your image planted itself into his brain and your voice rang in your ears. He saw you everywhere. The more he tried to get you away from him, the closer you became. He had become moody, everything would make him feel something, every little thing made him fight with an emotion, he wasn't accustomed to so much ... feeling. It was like someone had turned into a fourteen year old girl. It was terrible. To make things worse you were always with someone else, something that made him feel unexplainable fury. Every Time he saw you giggle with Avery or smile at Diggory his heart would clench, pausing slightly before he continued on, his mood soured. To make things worse Regulus never seemed to leave your side. He was carrying your books to class, sitting with you at meals, studying with you in the library. Why did Regulus get to do all that? Why did his little brother get to bathe in the light of your smile so often? That wasn't fair.

The rest of the marauders had noticed the long haired boys sudden mood changes. They had first though he had just had a bad day, but when a day stretched to a week, they had grown concerned. Remus was of course the first to identify the cause, with James lost in emerald eyes, and Peter busy being about as observant as a brick wall, it was pretty much his obligation to do so. He noticed the way Sirius's eyes lingered on you, how he soaked in your form as you passed in the corridor. He saw how Sirius would glare at boys you spoke to, specifically his little brother who seemed to be near you at all times. It didn't take the young werewolf long to put two and two together. Upon his new discovery, he began to pay more and more attention to you. 

He noticed how you avoided Sirius at all costs, he saw the way you blushed when Sirius laughed around you. He also caught you staring across the charms room at the long haired boy when he wasn't paying attention. Everything you did confused him. Because while Sirius seemed head over heels, you either hated him or loved him. It was hard to tell. 

But it wasn't for Harper. She knew you were in love with the older Black brother the second he walked into that library. You didn't even have to do anything. You simply looked at him and she could tell. It was like some alarm going off in her head, telling her what was up. When Harpet first realized this, she attempted to tell herself that she was wrong, it was silly, you didn't 'love'. But then she watched as you blushed and watched and avoided, and she knew you were deep in it. Harper was terrified to bring it up with you. She knew that in a way you already knew, but if she brought it up, made you truly realize, things could get ugly. 

But she couldn't wait any longer. You had to see what was in front of you or you would only get hurt. 

So now the burnet Hufflepuff, paced nervously in your dorm waiting for you to come in. She had a plan in her head, but it still didn't change the fact that she was a nervous wreck. 

Most people would constantly tease their friend if they believed them to be in love, but with you love wasn't an option, you had obligations, not feelings. In fact, you didn't even believe in love. You treated it like some superstition. It wasn't real to you. Not like she could blame you, you were going to be forced to marry some guy you definitely didn't want to at age 17, your parents the same way, and their parents and their parents and their parents. It was a never ending cycle of loveless life. 

Harpers frantic thoughts were interrupted by a loud thump. The girl turned to see you ditching your bag on the floor and huffing to your bed. You fell on to your mattress blankets ripping slightly like someone had tossed a pebble into a smooth lake.

"You okay?" Harper asked cautiously. 

You sat up meeting the pair of green eye scanning you in concern. "Marleen is such a bitch." You stated beginning to pick at your nails. 

"Can't disagree with that." Harper chuckled, "What she do now?" 

"She said I was Sirius 'sloppy seconds' which makes literatly 0 sense. And now she's pinning after him again." You seethed angrily.

"You're in love with him aren't you?" 

Harper's plan just crashed through the window. 

"What?!" You exclaimed."In love? With who? Black!? Never!" 

"Y/n/n, it's not a bad thing to be in love." Harper spoke calmly attempting to soothe your fury. 

"I'm not in love! Love is bullshit!" You had how risen from the bed, your hand clenched into fists beside you.

"Y/n I see the way you look at him I'm not blind! You love him! You get all flustered and weird around him, and I know you know what's going on, you just are too scared to admit it." 

"I'm not scared of shit. I know who I am and what I feel and I'm going to tell you this one time. I. Don't. Love." 

"Everyone loves y/n!" Harper heaved, her eyes desperate for you to understand. How could you not see what was in front of you. But she knew you were blinded by fear. Fear of what most craved. 

"What the hell would you know about love?!" Your voice echoed off the stone walls of the small room, reminding Harper of a jail cell. 

"Clearly more than you!" She huffed back anger sewn delicately into each word she spoke. 

"You will never know more than me you worthless HALFBLOOD!" You spat the last word of your damaging sentence as if it were a bitter taste you were attempting to ride your tongue of. 

Harpera eyes flashed with fear. Not fear of some asshole who you had to kick the shot out of, not of Malfoy, not of one of one of the  boys who had suddenly become aggressive in there chase after you. But fear oif you. She was afraid of you.

The fear left her eyes and was replaced by fury and disgust in a second. Harper walk straight to you practically shaking with rage and she slapped you across your face. You gasped head turning from the impact of her hand. When you turned back she was already practically out of the door. You felt tears slip from your eyes and you shrunk to the floor clutching your cheek. 

It wasn't the pain that hurt. Well it was but it wasn't the pain from the slap. It was the pain that the look in Harpers eyes sent through you. It was the pain from the momentarily fear that ripped through her. It was the pain of you realizing you had just lost your only true friend. 

Your body shook with sobs, the force of your tears making breaths hard to gather. Suddenly the door to your dormitory burst open. 

"Holy shit y/n/n."

You could hardly hear the voice over the echo of your own sobs. But soon a pair of arms wrapped slowly around you lifting you slowly from the floor. You buried your face into the cloak of the boy who now held you in his arms. You took a sharp breath of alcohol and smoke, with an undertone of chocolate.

(Well fuck I hit the word limit. Click THIS for Ending.)

Taglist

@accio-rogers @roslea @k3nz-doodl3 @songforhema

#sirius black imagines #sirius black x oc #sirius black x reader #sirius black #sirius black x marlene mckinnon #sirius black x remus lupin #regulus black imagines #regulus black x reader #remus lupin imagines #remus lupin x oc #remus lupin x reader #sirius balck x you #marauders imagines #marauders au #marauders era #marauders roleplay #harry potter imagine #harry potter #harry potter imagines #harry potter au #remus x sirius #remus #draco imagines #draco x reader #draco malfoy imagines #draco x oc #draco malfoy x reader #fred weasley imagines

[bombardthehq]

Convention and Meaning: Derrida and Austin Jonathan Culler, 2008 / read July 20

for Saussure things got their meaning by differnetation, contrasts

but this cant give a complete account: if you say 'Could you lift that box?' it might be a request, an abstract question of capability, or a rhetorical question about how hopelessly heavy it is

so where does it get the meaning?

we risk going back to saying that the meaning resides in the consciousness of the speaker

but a structuralist would ask: what makes it possible for them to mean these several things at once?

so we account for the meaning of 'utterances', different from sentences, by analyzing a different system: that of Speech Acts

so Austin is thus repeating Saussure's move: describing the system that makes 'signifying events' (parole) possible

Austin wont let us locate meaning in the speaker's mind - there isnt an 'inner act of meaning' which goes on when you mean something

it gets its meaning through certain conventions -- if I say 'I promise to return this to you', indicating an item I will borrow, you understand that I am making a promise, but when I just wrote it you understood that this is not a promise bc it lacks the context

so Austin offers a structural explanation of meaning which avoids 'logocentric premesis' -- but in his discussion of it he reintroduces the problems he just overcomes. This is what Derrida tries to deal with in Signature, Event, Context

in How To Do Things With Words, Austun wants to get over some narrow views of language his milieu had; to have a theory adequate to statements which had been discarded as meaningless or 'psuedo-statements' for not fitting their critera [which were: either a description, or a statement of fact - and could be either true or false]

he distinguishes two types: constitutive statments (descriptions of statements of fact), and performative statements (which enact what they say)

there is a surprising conclusion here: if I say, 'I affirm that the cat is on the matt', I'm performing my affirmation. But a crucial aspect of performatives is that they can have the explicitly performative part removed: 'I will pay you tomorrow' is still a promise. But removing the 'I affirm...' gives us, 'the cat is on the mat' - I still affirm it, performatively - but the statement I make is also an emblematic constitutive statement

Culler notes that Austin's argument here is a 'splendid' instance of the deconstructionist 'supplementarism' here, in its inversion of the old formula: what had been seen as merely secondary or inessential becomes the most primary -- rather than performatives being secondary to constitutives, the constitutives are a special case of the performative

"The conclusion that a constative is a performative from which one of various performative verbs has been deleted has since been adopted by numerous linguists." [how used is this in linguistics?]

this allows us to solve the problem of a single statement having multiple meanings: its actually a performative statment from which the performative has been deleted. 'I ask you to lift the box', 'I inquire if you could lift the box', 'I despair at the box's weight'

Austin doesnt argue this and would be skeptical of it; he argues that illocuctionary force (meaning) does not necessarily derive from  grammatical structure

he instead proposes a distinction between locutionary and illocuntionary acts

so when I say 'the chair is broken' I perform the 'locutionary' act of making an utterance, and the 'illocutionary' act of 'stating, warning, complaining...', whatever performance

linguistics accounts for the meaning of the locutionary act; speech act theory accunts for the meaning (or 'illocutionary force') of an utterance

explaining illocutionary force means explaining the conventions that make it possible

we might find out what these conventions are by looking at how these performatives can go wrong, might not actually enact the promised performance [I think eg. a bigamous marriage would prevent the 'I pronounce you man and wife' from really marrying the couple]

so Austin doesnt treat failure as something alterior to performatives, accidental, not part of how they really work, but an integral part of them - performances can go wrong -- something cannot BE a performative unless it CAN go wrong [continental philosophers like him for this reason: he really grasps the 'negative' (Culler puts it in these terms later)]

this accords with semiotics: a statement couldn't signify if it couldnt be said falsely

Austin argues that performing acts - like marrying or betting - must be described as something like 'saying certain words' rather than performing some inward action which the words reflect

...enter Derrida

Derrida argues that despite saying this, Austin reintroduces this inward action as the force of the performance

Austin, worrying about jokes etc., perhaps because it would involve a description of an inward act of meaning, says that only 'serious' speech acts can be analyzed, but doesnt argue for it. He actually puts 'serious' in scare quotes, as if the argument itself was a joke [Deconstructionists love that stuff...]

so after remarking that philosophers wrongly excluded utterances which werent true or false, he excludes utterances which aren't serious. Instead of arguing for it as a 'rigorous move within philosophy', its a customary exclusion 'on which philosophy relies'

later on he describes these 'unserious' uses as 'parasitic on' the normal use; so Austin introduces a new constitutive & supplementary distinction, after getting away from one

Searle defended this to Derrida saying that we ought not *start* our investigation by considering these parasitic discourses [we feel, and have perhaps been primed to feel by Culler, that this misses the point that Austin makes his intervention by uncovering the way these 'supplementary' excess cases are core to the working logic of speech acts, and this might be another such case - although we might not feel it to be necessarily the case that *all* supplementary things are likewise constitutive, although perhaps Derrida 1. argues that *this* supplement is constituive, but also 2. that all supplements are constitutve of what they are supplemental to, as a matter of a thing being a thing, elsewhere]

actually Derrida's case is moreso that setting aside these uses as secondary from the beginning is begging the question; the theory has to be able to account for them -- Austin deals with an 'ideal language' here, not the one really used (which includes uses by actors on a stage, in jokes... Derrida here appears as an ordinary language philosopher!)

So Searle argues that its parasitic because its not possible for an actor to make a promise in a play if we didnt make promises in real life; but Culler says, why see it this way around? Perhaps it is only possible to make a promise in real life if it could be made in a play. For Austin, an utterance is only possible because there are formuals and procedures that we can follow to do so - so for me to do it irl, there have to be iterable procedures that could be acted out...

so Derrida asks: could my performance succeed if it didn't conform to an iterable model? -- for it to succeed there needs to be a model, a representation, and the actors representation of it is just such a thing

~footnote: some commentary on Searle's disagreement... he brings up a use/mention distinction - performatives use utterances, while actors just mention them. Derrida argues that this distinction requires us to go back to making use of intentionality & the inner act that meaning depends on, what we were trying to get away from: if I mention something instead of use it, it can only be because I intend to mention it...

Culler gives an example that is very ambiguous w/r/t use/mention - "His colleagues have said his work was 'boring' and 'pointless' " -- have I merely mentioned the words boring and pointless (since I'm just quoting others who have said it) or have I used them (since I do imply that his work is really boring and pointless)? To tell you would have to decide which one I intended to express.~

so, to repeat Austin's move on the core/marginal distinction that Austin reintroduces: the so-called serious performance is actually a special case of the parasitic - its an instance or reenactment of this iterable representation

so imitation is a condition of possibility of signification

eg., for there to be a recognizable original 'Hemmingway style', there must be some style which can be imitated, repeated, etc. [This seems very convincing to me]

so, the performative is from the outset structured by this possibility for iterability, citation, performance-of...

the reason that Austin reintroduces this flawed core/supplementary model is to solve a problem for speech act theory:

if you explicate all the conditions that make a particular performative possible (which is the goal of speech act theory), say-- 'I pronounce you married' is perforative only if there is a marriage license, a licensed officiary, etc. - one can *always* imagine a further scenario that would cause the performative to fail (say, they're all actors in a play...)

Austin tries to resolve this by ruling out instances where the speaker is 'not serious' - but this requires us to appeal to the intentions, etc...

so to make performatives and 'performance' coextensive is to maintain a version of the theory that can really discard intention etc., but at the cost of being unable to explicate the conditions of possibility of a given performative - because it gets its meaning only via context, and the number of contexts is infinite

... [skipping a nice section that we dont really need to note]

for Austin, a signature is the equivalent in writing of a performative utterance, 'I hereby...'

on this idea, Derrida ends Signature, Event, Context, by writing his name twice, and indicating one is a counterfeit of the other. The joke being: is this counterfit, citational second signature not a signature, because he wasnt being serious? or does it function as a signature, because a signature is signing your name?

the other implication: which of the two signatures is the 'real' one? you cant tell in writing -- 'the effects of the signature depend on iterability'

so contrary to Austin, who holds that the signature is an indication of some inner intention (assent to an agreement, etc), the signature can only funtion if it is repeatable, iterable... "The condition of possibility of [its] effects is simaultaneously ... its condition of impossibility, or the impossibility of their rigorous function." [ie. to be possible, it must also be imitable, repeatable... theres a bit of what 'difference & repetition' is engaging w/ here --

interesting to comapre w/ Deleuze here - for Derrida, something has to be repeatable in order to be at all because its just a repeatable expression of conditions of possibility. This means its negative is prefactored into its conditions of possibility -- the price of having a signature is that the signature can be counterfeited.

Deleuze is somewhat allergic to 'conditions of possibility', and also wants to find a system where the negative doesn't exist. I'm not sure how he might argue w/ Derrida here. Perhaps he would feel that it is the difference between each signature which makes it repeatable... but that doesnt really make sense to me & is probably an overly literal reading. It's possible the two only disagree in terminology here - what Derrida would call the negative is just another form of difference for Deleuze. I'm not sure.]

Culler talks about how signatures can be made without the signatory's presence, in the case of machines signing checks automatically, so that wages are paid without being physically cashed in

he identifies 'logocentrism' as seeing these sorts of things as secondary to or parasitic on direct speech where the speaker's intentions are carried out

really, such cases could not occur if they didnt belong to the structure of the signing (etc.) already

so Derrida says that intention will not disappear from a good analysis, but it will no longer govern the entire 'system of utterance'... so while I intend to mean something and thats why I speak, the act of speaking itself introduces a gap between my intention and my words. My attention is the reason I structure things the way I do, why I make use of certain conventions, etc., but my intention is not accessible in the words I use (just as we might say, if I make a necklace, my intention for the necklace to be a gift for my niece is not a property of the necklace itself; the meaning/illocutionary force of a speech act is the necklace here - a speech act is given its meaning by the conventions it uses to generate a meaning, and I employ those conventions to try and say what I intend to say)

Culler introduces the unconscious here - often we say things and do things for reasons we are unconcious of, so intention is even a little more deflated. My reasons for saying something are not entirely conscious intentions which are transparent and accessible to reflection, but a 'structuring intentionality' that includes implications that never "entered my mind"

"Intentions are not a delimited content but open sets of discursive possibilities-what one will say in response to questions about an act." [nice idea]

"The example of the signature thus presents us with the same structure we encountered in the case of other speech acts: (1) the dependence of meaning on conventional and contextual factors, but (2) the impossibility of exhausting contextual possibilities so as to specify the limits of illocutionary force, and thus (3) the impossibility of controlling effects of signification or the force of discourse by a theory, whether it appeal to intentions of subjects or to codes and contexts." [a summary of the whole argument]

what this means is that meaning can never be *exhaustively* determined, but we are still left with tools to examine speech acts and how they work, etc.

Culler gives a nice defense that meaning being indeterminable (or not precisely, finally, exhaustively determinable) does not mean that no analysis can or should be done by comparing it with Godel's incompleteness theorem in mathematics: "the impossibility of constructing a theoretical system within which all true statements of number theory are theorems does not lead mathematicians to abandon their work"

[dear-yandere]

lots of ilya q&a below - part 1

tw ... mentions of noncon and murder.

[ part 2 ] 

question:  so Ilya wouldn’t like a cop out of principle but what it,, Ilya had a darling but a (yandere?) cop investigating his case,, ALSO likes ilyas darling.. (obviously this would only be fun if the cop is rly competent and an actual threat)

answer: ilya believes that because he’s suffered, he should have a “free pass” to inflict suffering onto others, so of course he isn’t fond of having someone on his tail that constantly gets in the way of his fun. still, anything that staves off boredom is a plus in his book.

whether the cop is yandere or not, ilya isn’t fond of sharing his darling with the likes of an officer. simply put, this rival poses a threat to taking darling away (basically being a cockblock). ilya’d be sure to use the cop’s feelings to mock him, such as mentioning how wonderful darling is in bed, what a wonderful shade their skin turns when he chokes them to near-death, or – worst of all –  how popular darling’s pictures / videos have become on the dark web.

in reality, ilya has the upper hand in this situation. he’s avoided the cops for so long, what’s another one? then again, this devil-may-care mentality will surely be his downfall if the cop is competent enough to catch him.

question: Also sorry for spamming u I’m just in a mood rn- If Ilya likes hurting adults but wants to protect kids, how does he feel abt teenagers? Cause i feel like if I was an adult I’d see teenagers as kids so like are teenagers more like kids or more like adults to him? Also I thought it was rly funny that ppl seemed 2 prefer being ilyas partner in crime over being his darling but like if I had to interact w him I’d want him to protect child me lol cause I just want someone to watch out 4 me,,

answer: considering the amount of distasteful and illegal things he comes across involving minors on the dark web, anyone under the age of consent (or that looks too much like a child) is a kid in his eyes. even if he met an adult that looked young enough to be underaged, he’d feel uncomfortable with assaulting / killing them even after learning their age.

and i agree! ilya would’ve actually made a wonderful kindergarten or elementary teacher had his life played out differently. i was a bit shocked people preferred being his partner in crime, but it makes sense since they’d be prolonging their lifespan should they have the misfortune of meeting this man.

question 1: Can I ask how Ilya would react to a darling who cant die? Or dies but comes back to life each time? I’m torn between thinking he’d be frustrated because his ultimate show of love won’t stick or ecstatic that he has someone he can kill over and over again

question 2: I wonder how Ilya would react to a darling he COULDNT kill, maybe because they were immortal or simply always managed to stay just out of his reach. Perhaps they even returned a bit of his feelings but never as much as he wanted, never enough to die for it. - jinxdere

ilya would probably go through the stages of “grief”.

he’d be angry and distraught at first, adamant about maintaining his denial toward the situation. he’s never encountered a darling who couldn’t die; the moment he slit their throat, he expected them to never come back, to never question his love in such a way as to live. 

during the bargaining stage, he’d distance himself for a while, at least until he comes to terms with it and decide what to do.

during the depression stage. rather than be ecstatic that he can kill his darling over and over again, he’d feel an equal amount of anger as he does love. above all else, ilya wants to have fun, to cope with his problems by hurting as many people as possible. to him, killing others is his way of spreading his twisted version of love; he wants to kill as many people as he possibly can because he wants to love everyone. really though, this is an excuse to make as many people suffer as he possibly can. because he was wronged in his life, he wants to drag others down to his level. therefore, he’d rationalize his options and eventually decide to begrudgingly accept his darling’s immortality.

during the acceptance stage, he’d be willfully ignorant. he’d abandon this darling, sending them far away and telling them to never seek him out again; and if they do (especially if they fell in love with him), he will make every death more painful than the last. he wants nothing to do with them simply because they represent something he can’t overcome in life; ilya is fascinated by the marriage between death and love, and this particular darling is challenging his entire world view. he’d rather remain ignorant.

so basically, while he isn’t fond of having more than one darling at a time, he’d shun this immortal darling and no longer think of them as his. this seems counterintuitive, but a big part of ilya’s character is his hypocrisy and ignorance. they define who he is and act as a reminder of his past and innate psychopathic tendencies.

question: if u say Ilya has always had psychopathic tendencies, would he still be where he is rn if he had a good childhood? And I wonder like.. apathetic ppl/characters are often into morbid stuff and don’t care about hurting others but when u strip that down isn’t that just following your desires? Like are people like that obligated to be into violent stuff? Cause if Ilya just really liked collecting fish there’d be no issue.. I kinda think it’s a way to lash out at the world without letting it get 2 u

answer: i hope i understood this question correctly.

i can’t speak for actual psychopaths or serial killers obviously, but ilya is willfully ignorant and hypocritical. it’s his way of ‘lashing out without letting it get to him’ – his way of coping, basically. if he had a good childhood, it’s certainly possible he wouldn’t have treaded this path. however, childhood is only one factor that can push psychopaths over the edge. people who are apathetic or into morbid stuff aren’t obligated to be into violent things, especially as there can be some other mental issue at play; take narcissistic personality disorder for example. i personally know someone who likely has this disorder, but they are not into morbid / violent stuff even though they may lash out violently or disregard hurting others at times. i agree that your evaluation is probably correct in this situation too: lashing out is a way to cope.

now, if ilya’s parents had been more attentive, they would’ve noticed their son’s unsettling tendencies. killing animals is a big indicator of something greater at play and i’m sure they would’ve taken him for a psychological screening. i’m no doctor or psychiatrist (i’m not even in the medical field), but i imagine that with early detection and proper therapy, ilya might’ve been a normal person. would he still be into morbid things and have all the extreme kinks he currently does? yeah probably, but to a much lesser extent.

question: okay so u said Ilya knows he’s fucked up which is why he can’t have a kid BC he wouldn’t want them involved in that life so like.. if he knows he’s fucked up but still enjoys doing what he does, does he justify it to himself? Does he just not think about it? Like I often see evil characters be like “the world hurt me so I’m allowed to hurt others” - is it like that? Cause u said he’s a hypocrite and that’s quite hypocritical imo (if u know how bad it can be why make others suffer too yk?)

answer: part of it is that ilya is naturally sadistic and psychopathic, he doesn’t care if others suffer. even if he hadn’t become a serial rapist and killer, he would’ve had a clear disregard for others. he does justify himself and ignores his obvious hypocrisy. he realizes how much of a hypocrite he is, so it’s not that he’s an idiot or blind; it’s more of that he doesn’t give a damn about how selfish or contradictory he’s being.

you’re right that he thinks that he’s allowed to hurt others because the world hurt him, but it’s a bit beyond that. so for your question ‘why hurt others if you know how bad it can be’ – he gets off on it. even if he wasn’t the one committing crimes, he’d still get off on it. he’s similar to an incel that just stays in his room, complains about how the world is unfair, and watches porn all day, except more attractive, less whiny, actually gets sex bc he’s charming and doesn’t show his misanthropic side, and is into way darker porn than most incels probably are.

question: How would Eu-jin handle Illya taking an interest in his darling? I feel like things would get ugly fast.

answer: luckily, ilya doesn’t exist in the same universe as eu-jin or any of my other ocs! he’s human, so he’d get ripped to shreds pretty fast, especially by the overly-obsessive and protective supernatural (gumiho) eu-jin who hasn’t seen his darling in literal millennia. 

yuu wouldn’t even bother cannibalizing ilya, as he usually does with his prey; he’d find the Ripper far too disgusting to put in his own body, but he would torture ilya as painfully and slowly as possible. ripping off his fingernails one by one, removing his tongue so he can’t scream (much like the way ilya chokes his darlings), etc.

...so yeah, as soon as the hyper-aware eu-jin realizes that ilya is looking at the former’s darling with interest, it’d get ugly real fast.

question: What if when Ilya tried to kill one of his darlings but they manage to fight back and escape? I just see that throwing him for a real curve ball so I was curious to how he'd react.

answer: he’d be furious at first. to him, running away is the ultimate act of denying his love -- but, he’s a man that appreciates some fun every now and then. while he isn’t fond of darlings that fight back (especially when he’s about to kill them), having a darling who spices his life up every now and then is exhilarating. he’ll decide to play along with this darling’s little game of cat and mouse, and to be honest, he finds the increased risk of getting caught by authorities (should the darling get that far) fun. as i’ve mentioned before, ilya knows how much of a hypocrite he is and has long come to terms with his inevitable karma and death, he just doesn’t care enough to change his habits.

#oc questions #questions #*ocs #ilya #vanya #not a request

[macklives]

homestuck recap

i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there

anyways here it is

also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)

also that this is long

you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance

ive been coping with humor to get me through it

neato.

have fun with what i suffered through:

why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?

like did i miss a page???

OH its the beta version of HS thats why

damn its like 5 pages and thats it

mmh

well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.

do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”

thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.

god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did

i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now

cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz

flashbacks are starting up already

yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl

that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.

OH W A IT SHIT

i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place

my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.

oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that

little did rose know where that would get her right now

oh yeah

there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.

still think shes some weird spy or secret agent

i kinda love her ngl

anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?

oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf

and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red

huh, how times change

i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again

yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?

OH that makes also much more sense

bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.

i gotcha

man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat

are you

telling me

the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?

THE EGG

THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”

of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this

man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt

damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet

okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig

man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow

the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?

we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks

oh yeah that reveal

god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh

bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog

who lowkey

is doing better than bro

who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao

dreambot = terminator. im telling you.

sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”

why is the entire game session highlighted

i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY

okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout

which is honestly cool

idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.

yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching

yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.

especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION

pls can this be the halfway point to the recap

AT LEAST

so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.

speaking of jack

man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl

OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN

and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.

also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..

she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far

oh yeah okay

but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?

anyways

exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.

noice

i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.

yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute

fuck yeah the dick head

hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them

anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”

UH WHAT

WHAT

OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO

THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.

which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.

and jade is space. witch of space.

nice

i have no idea what that means ngl

okay finally

we’re at the trolls

maybe this recap will end soon

i remember when i thought they were internet bullies

yesss

someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke

it be like that, i annoy many

then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse

imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens

ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that

nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background

i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes

but theyre trying

OH MY GOD

I GET IT

FUCK

DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??

AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS

GOD D A M N

wow

i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”

flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans

anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really

he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song

i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh

trolling strategies

anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.

i wonder why it explodes

more importantly

....

terminator time?

this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.

absolutely gold.

all except AT’s rap.

GC was the only smart one with the linear shit

anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so

that will be fun for the future

john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there

yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things

OH and the white queen was the cursive

damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk

oHHH

i fucking SEE

thats why he said DNA

to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean

fucking neat wow

man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log

so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.

derse is very pretty, ngl

and wow shit

“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just

do that, awake in both places at once

i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow

ah yes, around the time things got confusing

okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao

the more you know i guess *twinkle*

i find that a neat concept tho

like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit

yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future

no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend

fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say

i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm

and then everything else just made me sad again

i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?

we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk

fucking DAVESPRITE

damn idk how that works

will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?

“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?

okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box

bc i thought he used his knife?

im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew

alright okay..

god that was a lot

i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #hs65 #hs65 end #act4 #pg1674 #THANK FUCK FUCKING CHRIST #THIS TOOK ME A SOLID 4 HOURS IN TOTAL TO DO #INCLUDING PROCRASTINATION THO #LIKE I DID SNIPPETS WHILE I WAS AT WORK #AND THE MAJORITY LAST NIGHT #GOD #NEVER AGAIN #anyways #i learned some new stuff but then again this isnt even worth it for you all #like i didnt even say anything witty enough for it to be at least entertaining #just 'man that was cool' #and other synonyms of that sentence #im so sorry this took so long #and was tedious to read

[sirvalrigard]

genuinely cannot figure it out. cann you please tell me what the fnaf series is about

OK OK so like we’re extremely off our shits rn but lets try to make this coherent

edit: this actually turned into a fucking wall of infodump bullshit so adding a cut lol

1970s. a gay furry dad named henry emily decides to make a furry restaurant cause he’s passionate abt animatronics and making kids happy. he opens the restaurant with a man named william afton as his business partner. henry makes animatronics and william handles idk being fucking creepy and handling money is my best guess. the restaurant is called Fredbear’s Family Diner, featuring Fredbear and Spring Bonnie (after a year or two it becomes popular enough for henry to have money to build bonnie, freddy, chica, and foxy too!) 

ok so shits fine and normal until william billiam is like ‘hmm im gonna be a child predator now’

on a rainy night one of henry’s children, Charlie Emily, is locked outside the pizzeria somehow, where william finds and kills them. the security marionette that henry built to protect his kids drags itself outside to their body, and thus is possessed by their spirit

obviously henry is fucked up but no one knew who the killer was, so henry was able to reopen another location, this time under the new name of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, with the now familiar friends Bonnie, Freddy, Foxy, and Chica to join the original two! multiple locations are eventually opened, and things are going just fucking fine until WILLY billy does his bullshit again!!

this time he lures them into the back by wearing a Spring Bonnie suit, and kills four children and stuffs their bodies into Bonnie, FReddy, Foxy, and Chica, where Marionette (charlie) finds them and binds their souls to the animatronics

but even though willish addon was employed at the very location he killed kids at, AND he was even convicted as the killer, since police couldnt find the bodies (and are useless) he didnt go to jail which is honestly so accurate its the scariest part of the franchise

so like henry at this point i imagine is like “fuck this” and sells the restaurant line to—you know what? honestly? i would love to know who runs Fazbear Entertainment. with the way help wanted was going i rlly hope we get an expansion on that with them as the villians (destroy capitalism) ANYWAY–

“Fazbear Entertainment” becomes the parent company of this mess now and theyre like :)……oh lets hire that william guy again hes fine

and at this point wwillus is making his OWN fucking pizzeria and his OWN animatronics and is actively kidnapping, torturing, and killing children to steal life essence from their souls! during the process of testing this, he gets his own ‘daughter’ Elizabeth Afton killed!! yeah im not fucking making this up!! (ppl in the fandom really defend this guy lol)

1983. so as Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzas are expanding,  Willard Afturd somehow? got himself some children. like to raise. like as a “““father”““. personally i do like 2 think a mother was involved but honestly he totally coulda just fucking kidnapped some random children to raise as his own and im starting to think thats more plausible  actually BUT ITS NOT GAME THEORY TIIME

one of these kids he is personally torturing! his own “son”! incredible! long story short this traumatized child ( unofficially named CC Afton ) is forced into the mouth of Fredbear by his brother Michael Afton and his friends, aaaand he dies ( and is guided by Charlie to possess Fredbear )

even after years of rumors about dead kids being hidden in animatronics, its this accident is the last straw for Fazbear’s Pizza and they are finally shut down. then WILL rubs his nasty hands together and tries to open his OWN pizzeria with his original OCs do not Steal™, Funtime Freddy, Bon Bon, Ballora, Circus Baby ( possessed by Elizabeth) , and Funtime Foxy and theyre all. probably possessedtoo cause theyre used 4 his kid torture fetish

uh ok so Aphton is like hey michael go clean up my child abuse for me anyway brb so his son Mwanders into his father’s Pizzeria to find his sister elizabeth . long story short…………he finds her and she does the “we’re brothers but closer” spongebob meme but also with her friends

ANd they leave! hooray! from then on the story is about Michael, whos zombified now after being used as a husk to hide an amalgamation of 5 animatronics fucking trying to find his shitty fuckass dad, and to help the anguished and vengeful spirits inside

but the first location to reopen after having been shut down, Wilson AAAAA is employed AND KILLS SOME MORE KIDS who would have guessed omg amazing..stunning.. and michael is employed there JUST a week too late like it happens RIGHT before he’s employed so Wumbo Man gets away again and Fazbear Entertainment gets shut down AGAIN, in 1987

not too many years later Fazbear Entertainment tries to open restaurants yES AGAIN and theyre still using the original animatronics that are still rotting and bloody on the inside . somehow this place stays open for a bit, and michael is employed there still looking for Worst Father Ever, and the children attack him due to rage and confusion, and when they kill another employee, the restaurant is shut down for like the trillionth time

but then for some reason Whenwillhedie Afton is like im gonna go try to dismantle the other haunted animatronics at the shut down pizzerias cause i dont actually even know i have shit for brains and also probably wanted to melt them down for life juice BUT

theyrelike FUCK OFF and the spirits of the children materialize in front of Wellington Well Done and force him into the old crusty spring bonnie suit that he’d murdured in before nd spring is like FUCKy ou and crushesAlton with their animatronic parts aand smush him. trapped now #springbonnieisgoodguy

the spirits go to rest in animatronica, the events of fnafworld happen when: 30 fucing years later in like the 2010s some jackasses thought it would be a good idea to mak e a haunted hoiuse attraction based on fazbear’s pizza and use actual shit from the restaurants and of COURSE this fuck shit up hardcore and disturbs the spirits from the rest that they were in ( until it turned intp the events of FNAF World ) and then they were ripped back into reality when Fazbear’s Fright was built

also! they found WWWacky smacky Acky all rotting away inside Spring Bonnie (now called Springtrap) and were like yeah this is good. definitely not a robot struggling to hold back the influence of a murderer predator and definitely wouldnt haev a problem with being set free

basically michael hears about this thing when it opens and is the first employee there and proceeeds to burn the whole place down as soon as he sees Willmont stuck inside ofs Springtrap

buuuut it doesnt work and Springtrap and other various spirits and haunted robots are still wandering the fuck around and Henry at this point is like Okay I Need To Do Something About This Cause This Is Entirely Out Of Fucking Hand and he reopens a Freddy Fazbear’s location himself, but advertises for a manager who wants to build their own pizzeria

you know who pounces on this like a purple cat? MIKE hes like FUCK yeah egg boys gonna kill his dad and be ann egg MAN today

with the help of Henry’s use  of luring mechanics and michael’s endurance and survival skill they gather Scrap Baby (elizabeth), Lefty (charlie), Scraptrap (springtrap, unfortunately  who has a rotton raisin inside him ), and Molten Freddy (the remaining animatronics that  had jumped into michael’s skin lumped together)

soon as theyre all there ? boom . henry lights the place on fire just like mike had and THEY BOTH JUST SIT THERE AND DIE IN IT TOO LIKE ITS SO METAL and it burns everyone else as well

and all the kids are like

uwu

owo

and drag william afton into HELL!! and they get to torture him for a while together and get the revenge they deserve hell yeah tbh UCN is so iconic

BUT Fazbear Entertainment drinks the capitalism so theyre like…. :((( we’ve been so bullied we totally didnt haev an employee who killed countless children… .pleas,e,e,, buy our mehrch, , n,,jdn

SO they employ an AU version of scott cawthon to make, essentially, the games that we’ve all been playing, but like, in-universe, – so the company in universe has fnaf video games made in order to make light of and cover up the actual murders that happened in the canon. is this too meta yet?

okay i lied this is also the scariest part of the franchise bc of how accurate it is to corrupt business hGJFSKDLHDSS

therefore, they create Help Wanted, the recently released VR game (also a game in-universe) and they use salvaged circuitboards and shit from all the old animatronics to program the game, but of course that just ends up transferring everyone’s soul into the game – the kids, the animatronic AIs, and BASTARD MAN

spring bonnie, now called Glitchtrap, is in a deteriorated mental state and is weak to Afton’s influence, and the fuck is able to manipulate an unknown amount of people into helping him out of the VR game and into the in-universe real world. one of these people was jeremy fitzgerald, michael afton’s childhood friend and a former employee at Fazbear’s Pizza during 1987.

he was involved in a lawsuit against the company making the game, and we don’t know what has happened to him yet. but he’s very important. evidence points to him being one of the kids that helped michael put CC’s head into Fredbear’s mouth, and that in 1987 when working at freddys he was bitten and is somehow functioning without a frontal lobe (but like, michael at this point is functioning with insides made of pudding and rotting skin so . basically theyre both too gay to die )

but we DO know that theres at least one person communicating directly with Glitchtrap, who he seems to have convinced to help set him free, someone whos made their own rabbit mask but doesnt seem to be willingly doing this, and might be brainwashed

also, currently, (this is really weird because we are currently living in the same time as the fnaf timeline is at right now) Fazbear Entertainment is planning on a “service program” that is basically sending personal animatronics to peoples houses and GUESS how fucking well THAT works out bc theyre STILL ALL HAUNTED YOuf g

and it seems like theyre planning on opening a new location in 2020, and that might be when we can learn more about the reluctant follower of springtrap and who has the camera while everyone moshes on william aftons corpse

basically the games are about childhood trauma, recovery, the love of family and friends, and justice against many kinds of evils

also where the fuck is sammy

#.msg #five nights at freddy's #UH HOPE THIS MADE SENSE #literally this is the short version #i have to pee but we coouldt stop writing this HGJKFSDHFKJDHJ #theres literally so much left out its unexplainable in this format #we need like. a google doc or smth where we can write 57382972346758349674386543672 words #animals #ask to tag #my autism is showing #anonymous #timeline

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

2, 4, 28, 29, and 35 for the ask thing!!!!

2. Favorite song off Bullets?- oh early sunsets hands down i heard a music box version of it really early this morning/late last night and it full on brought me to tears and NOW i wanna get rich so i can commission a music box that plays that and has the demolition lovers dancing when you open it i thought a lot abt it last night lmao

4. Favorite song off Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge?- def jetset life followed closely by a tie between cemetery drive and fashion statement BUT jetset life fucks so much HARDER when you get the full transition between the end of ghost and the intro and spotify cuts that OFF so i went and bought the cd bc i havent owned it since my mom made me cut up my first copy in like 2005 and it has the full organ bit :-) lmao

28. Have you ever gotten noticed by any of them on social media? If they noticed you please elaborate.- that one time frank told me my boozey died scratching his balls

29. Favorite Gerard quote and or moment?- theres literally too many good things to name but i CAN tell you what my LEAST fav thing is Easily and that is This

35. Do you have any MCR tattoos? Or any tattoos for their solo projects?- yeah!!! i have the above boozey tattoo that frank drew for me at one of the fiatfv shows this year but my first was this revenge thigh piece that ive wanted since i was like 13 that i FINALLY got around this time last year (the lyrics are “you get what everyone else gets/you get a lifetime)

then the SECOND one i got was these frankenstein wrist stitches bc im fuckin frank iero trash and i just think theyre neat :-)

but the third is my Favorite and didnt even start out as an mcr tattoo AT ALL but i had seen another tattoo of joan of arc and thought that it looked cool and decided i wanted one of my own but WHILE I WAS WAITING for my appointment i learned abt gerards obsession with her and since i couldnt decide what her flag should be i decided it’d be fitting to make it a kinda tbp tattoo and thus this baby was dreamed up and ive. never seen anything like it and i cant BELIEVE shes mine :’-)

#i want MORE mcr tattoos my gf is like. Known for designing them lmao #cant WAIT til she's a tattoo artist and can just use me as a guinea pig lmao #Anonymous

[kits-weirdass-dream-journal]

Date of origin: estimated in april of 2020

I ran away from my childhood home to meet my favorite metal band in an old mansion, as i had been able to comunicate with them online. Turns out it was a scam, except not really. the band's manager was there, a short unpleasant man who seemed to want something from me. for some reason I stayed there, and he gave me clothing and accessories that cut off my circulation. he kept watching me, with an annoying smile, that made me feel like i had to do what he wanted. eventually he decided he wanted to become like me, so he took my shirt, but it was very long and loose on him bc im tall. he started getting upset so i pinched the back, tried to make it conform a bit more, but it didnt help. in his moment of upset he revealed he actually serves a fear god, and those words kept echoing loudly in my head "fear god fear god fear god fear god" as if they were being shouted at speaking volume at my ear. the band i liked so much had been imprisoned, and forced to perform at his hand. i felt bad about that, but i didnt know where they were so couldnt help them. that night i escaped through a window m and i found the world covered in a foamlike fake snow. i started to look for something familiar. i didnt find anything but some uncanny valley version of a town. there were tiny traintracks, like for a kids ride, and a small shelter to the side. i didnt see very far away, but i did see a small fire which i moved toward. i sat for a minute then realized i was hungry and saw some ferret-ish rodent scuttering through the brush. i caught it, killed it, cooked it, and ate it. i then decided i needed shelter of some sort, and crawled along till i found a tiny wooden lean-to, that was already quite well made, if small. i crawled inside. there was a tiny pillow in the corner, and half of one wall of the lean to was a big window looking out to a circle of other windows in other lean tos, with the fire in the middle. the other windows werent  empty. they were full of small colorful muppet-like creatures, very similar to the rodent i just ate. i realized everything here was sized very small, and the pillow in the corner was Indented the same size as that thing i ate. i had killed it and taken its house and all these things watched me do it. well. there was nothing left to fix. so i lay down to rest. 

the next day i did in fact find my way home and spoke to my dad. he didnt say he told me so about the band being demon worshippers, even though 1 they were victems and 2 he could have.

i took off the clothing and put on a t shirt and jeans and blood started returning to my hands and it hurt. I woke up shortly after that.

#location: childhood home #location: vague wilderness #location: crumbling mansion #setting: nighttime #setting: modern #character: innocent bystander #character: father figure #character: uncatagorized enemy #cw cannibalism #<- potentially #vinslakte

[maybeprecocious]

day five

im too fucked up for this so im gonna try

had leave all day

had to take a prn b4 i left

had my appt

and my 1:1

and my other appt

and it all went well

but when i went home i found benzos

and wanted to take them all before my appt

but i waited till after

becausse friday night is 4 getting loose no mayter what

and took them all on the train

then i got to the city

found a bottle shop

bought vodka

text my dealer for xans

but my phone died

so i drank in the bathrooms at the station

and almost threw up

but didnt

i struggled to get back to thw ward

i didnr want to get back to the ward

bur i had to go back so i did

i got back

and i cried bc i felt bad about breaking the rules

but it was fuckk myself up a lil

or dead

and now i wish j had drink more

and replied to my dealer w the xans

shoulda charged my phone so i could get them

and then jumped in front of a fucking train

because i need to die

i have to die

but now all my leave is taken away from me

and i dknt know whatnis going to happen

and getting creative with suicide in thw psych ward never works

i feel sick

im not intoxicated enough

ugh

shoukd have just died

but i should sort out my power of attourney first

and die properly

suicide notes are for pussies

im not suicidal

im doing the right thing

fuck it

im dying, legitimately

not as a gesture

wordsearches are boring count - 8 still bc they are boring now

EDIT: i thought i was going to sleep so thats why that happened but i didnt

i went out to the common area to make tea, i needed something else apart from valium and vodka in my body and i thought i was maybe a little more sober (it hadnt even been that long from when i drank. no logic.)

i didnt talk to anyone, kept my head down

THEN the nurse comes around with the breatho

right in front of everyone

she made me do the breath test (my second for the evening) RIGHT THERE

i didnt want anyone to know

i was so embarrased

i kept giggling, i didnt know what else to do

“this isnt funny”

“I KNOW THIS ISNT FUNNY THATS WHY I SPENT 45 MINUTES CRYING IN THE CORNER OF MY ROOM WHEN I GOT BACK AND YOU TESTED ME THE FIRST TIME. I KNOW IM DUMB”

i tried to look at what it was, but i cant remember

well actually, i couldnt see properly

0.32??

.032??

i drank 3 standard drinks worth of vodka in 2 minutes, which could explain blowing higher

i dont really know how BAC works but i think 0.32 seems like too much

i think what i said earlier was dramatic, but accurate really

i didnt get the version of events right either

this morning i got up, got ready to go, had my obs done (which were basically great A+ for me) and then was told i should take a PRN before going on leave, i didnt refuse. 1mg of lorazepam down.

the journey to the east was horrible

i didnt have any working headphones, i was alone with my thoughts

i wanted to crawl under the train

i had my employment assessment which was super easy, i got an exemption from jobseeking until august next year

i then had a 1:1 with my key worker, it was alright too.

then i went home, i was looking for a headphone adapter in my drawers when i found 20mg worth of diazepam i didnt know i had. i wanted to take it all then and there. i decided to hold off, i needed to be coherent for my psych appointment.

after finding it, it was all i could think about. suddenly something i thought i didnt have, i had in abundance and i didnt know what to do with it.

i dont like valium recreationally. i like it destructively. sometimes, constructively.

i went to officeworks to print some things, i felt like shit. i wanted to smack my head against the printer until i passed out

valium might help

NO

i had my appointment

as with most of my day, i literally dont remember 99.8% of it but, it was very productive

but i still had the valium

i took them all when i was on the train

when i got to the city, i was struggling to function, but not struggling enough

i crossed the road to the bottle shop

two mini bottles of vodka

not very much but, enough, i thought.

i walked to the busy station bathrooms

sat down

drank

i couldnt respond to my dealer, my phone kept dying

gagging, drinking, gagging, drinking

all out of alcohol

less than 2 minutes, 3 standards inside me

after the feeling of nausea and grossness subsided, my brain had room to worry about the calories

approximately 250, not too bad

i was surprised i made it back, i could barely walk.

i got back, i contemplated trying to keep it to myself

but i couldnt

i broke down in tears and told them everything

i dont know what im doing

(the rest of it has been told like i think i have literally typed todays thingy multiple times. deal with it. i need sleep, i feel a lot less inebriated sadly.

i think i hope that i’ll die when i drink or do drugs which is why the weed doesnt cut it anymore. obviously what i had tonight wouldnt kill me but i hoped i would die one way or another, accidentally or purposefully. kinda morbid i know. get over it.)

P.S i broke up with my mum over text

#where my mind is (not) #tw suicide #tw drugs #tw alcohol #cw #tw #gho-lish