#i made the harley manifesto saying id keep my heart open + trust even though it opens you to being hurt bc its better than not loving at all

[flintbian]

Just a friendly little vent please ignore

I wrote this yesterday after an apparently five day emotional rollercoaster (damn time really ceases to exist for me when I’m thinking and upset huh) which summarizes it, and I’m feeling better. Like after I wrote it and processed more idk I felt better but it just still felt important not to hide it and push it down like usual, after all that’s partly what this is about. Anyways I’m fine now, relatively, but documenting felt important to me tonight, or maybe it’s just me being sad again idk anyways it’s fine to ignore. I did decide to keep going despite the heartbreak, but damn this winter is going to be lonely (it’s already 30 degrees where I am and snowing somehow)

#the instinct to disappear and leave has been strong...at first that's what i thought i was going to do #at one point i cried for hours and it got gruesomely poetic when my brain came up with 'you shattered my heart and broke my soul #and took the last of my hope-what more do you want to take from me?' #so i knew then id have to be alone for this to never happen again #when she asked the question 'is she worth it/enough?' immediately i whispered 'i know im not' i already knew the answer #i dont think she realized she'd already told it to me and that's why my heart broke #i tried to play it off as aloof and fine like nbg ive just given up and accepted ill always be alone 'someday' will never come #i made the harley manifesto saying id keep my heart open + trust even though it opens you to being hurt bc its better than not loving at al #but at this point there's nothing left of me hoping for this will kill me so ive given up i relinquished it #so i cried i thought i could be alone again but...my soul aches #i got a brief glimpse of it and i still want it...once you get a taste...but i wish i didnt so the pain could stop #but im tired of being hurt and trying to fix what i didn't break...why does it always have to be me? bc im lonely- #always having to be the bigger person and beaten and trampled on and heart broken again and again desperately wanting connection #and im tired of still suffering inside when it's proven to me again and again im not worth it and my existence only deserves pain #just once i wanted to be worth it...just once #but if im not to even the person who claims a wretched thing ill never be...ive had to accept that #but it doesnt hurt any less #i wish i could stop caring #i wish i could have what everyone else has #but ill never get it...no matter how much i try #i wish it wasnt an innate human need so i could squash it and throw it away so it could stop torturing me #and now i dont know what to do #and i cant seem to stay the tears #and to be clear if you happen to see this it aint an ultimatum it's me accepting reality and being tortured on main #and like after i wrote this yesterday i felt Much better but it seems now depression is back and every night especially i get sad again #and if you could have your vent posts that literally said i am not worth it you can let me have this one vent post #im not mad it's fine im just despondent and this is technically a journal and its supposed to help me process apparently #im just tired of being trapped in an endless cycle of pain and heartbreak and im fine its fine im just writing and ignore this #at least i determined im not done yet but it's hard and lonely and some days i really do think im in hell #p