#i make myself (and only myself) laugh sometimes

[pineapplecrushface]

WIP Tuesday

Something about Buck and Eddie hugging for the first time in like four years made me think about how affectionate Buck is and then this happened.

“Does it feel weird to you?” Eddie asked when Buck had returned with more beer. “Not weird. Different, I mean.”

“What, being with a guy?” Buck tipped his head back and forth in a so-so gesture when Eddie nodded. “Sometimes. I keep catching myself feeling like I’m not supposed to like something, and I have to train myself to stop.”

“Like what?” Eddie asked before he thought it through. He held up a hand. “No intimate details.”

Buck laughed, his entire face going pink. He ducked his head and took a sip of beer. “Well, that is part of it. But no, it’s more like…he, uh, he calls me baby. And he holds me. I don’t think anyone’s ever done that, because I’m bigger, right? And the women I’ve dated, they liked that I was bigger and stronger than they were. And I’m discovering I kinda like that too. But.”

“But it feels like you’re not supposed to like it,” Eddie said.

“Yeah. So there’s a lot of arguing with my own stupid hang-ups.” Buck sighed. “I really didn’t think I had that many. Not about masculinity or whatever.”

Eddie hummed, not quite in agreement, thoughtful. Would he feel weird about it if a guy held him? Probably a little. He wasn’t very physically affectionate at the best of times, although he found it easier after he’d been dating someone a while. Really, he’d only ever been perfectly comfortable touching a few people. Chris, of course, after the awkwardness of figuring out how to hold a baby. Shannon, when they weren’t fighting.

And Buck. He was very comfortable touching Buck, so there was at least one guy he wouldn’t feel totally weird about being held by. For a moment he imagined the two of them wrapped around each other and it warmed him so much he smiled down at his beer—he could almost feel it, Buck throwing his whole body into it and tucking his face into Eddie’s neck like he did when they hugged. But it would be longer than a hug, and they’d relax into it, breathe each other in. Breathe easier, probably, because they wouldn’t have to pull away. Buck would mumble Ten minutes until we have to pick up Christopher, and Eddie would rub his cheek on Buck’s neck and say You can fall asleep if you want to, baby, I’ll wake you up—

He just barely managed not to twitch so hard he spilled his beer.

“You okay?” Buck asked, leaning forward on his elbow and licking beer from his lips. “You were zoned out pretty hard.”

“No, it’s,” he said, looking around and patting himself down to feel for his phone, wallet, keys. “Uh. I just realized I have to go pick up some stuff for Marisol. A project. She has a project she’s working on and I forgot.”

It wasn’t a complete lie; Marisol did have a list of things she’d asked him to pick up at the hardware store, but she wasn’t starting until Saturday. Buck gave him a skeptical look like he knew her renovation schedule better than Eddie did—and knowing Buck, he probably did—but only nodded.

“See you later,” Eddie said, throwing him a distracted wave and fleeing—actually jogging, running away from his best friend, until he was in his truck and panting and shaking his head because he did not run.

Hmm. You kinda do though, he thought, and it was Buck’s voice, and he was right. He ran and would continue to run because this, this wasn’t a thing he needed or wanted. Right? Right.

But he couldn’t help but poke at it one more time to make sure.

Buck. Buck’s big body around him, his big warm hands sliding down Eddie’s back, Buck laughing against his lips, giving him every bit of his endless reservoir of affection and love. Buck loving him.

 Eddie scrunched up his face and clenched his hands in the air before he smacked the steering wheel. Shit. Shit.

“Okay, it’s fine,” he said, smoothing his hands over the steering wheel like it was mad at him. Everything was fine. He didn’t have to think about it. He was in control of his own emotions. He was not a guy who was in love with his best friend. He was a guy who could compartmentalize and ignore uncomfortable things until they went away.

And eventually blew up in his face. But that was for future Eddie to handle. He had Frank and several excellent coping strategies and Muay Thai with his best friend's boyfriend who got to touch him all the time. It was fine. He was fine.

#911 #fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie

[bluishfrog]

HAPPY 1-YEAR OF DRAWING ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

(Warning: slightly longer post incoming cause sometimes I gotta be a sentimental bitch ok? So let's go on a little trip down memory lane.)

This day, a year ago, I made my very first fanart. It was dnf (if that surprises you, then welcome to being on my blog for the very first time). I drew a little frog face too so I could use it as a watermark (fun fact: I still use that very same first one).

I immediately put my drawing up on twt because I told myself that I wasn't gonna be afraid of having people see that I was at the very beginning of this journey and had no clue what I was doing. That instead of being bad at art, I was gonna be awesome at being a beginner who doesn't know shit.

I started with little doodles and silly comics and then I laughed way too long when the first drawing of mine that gained some attention was a dnf butt joke. At the time I was trying to balance shipping and non-shipping art so I didn't even draw dnf that much but in hindsight it's probably the only possible way this could have gone.

At the very end of August I woke up to @honelle56 caps-locking at me in my messages - I was very confused and tired (I am no morning person and I will never be, fuck off with your mornings) because Dranart liked my drawing of singing Dream. Dranart was my 17th follower on twt which is a useless yet extremely funny fact about my time on that hellsite.

I also drew human!patches because a) patches was and will always be my favorite dteam member and b) it was a really cute trend and while I do love drawing dream, george and sapnap, I was also quite happy to try drawing anything but a white man for once. And I really liked how the drawing turned out.

Much, much later, I tried to draw my first slightly more realistic looking drawing. I was extremely confused on how to draw anything like this. Especially their hair gave me tons of trouble but given my experience, I think it's not a bad attempt.

When hijacked smp started I obviously wanted to participate, and I drew c!blu who doesn't associate with any side in particular but instead serves soup to everyone who visits her tavern 'The Soup House'. She also wants to be paid in stories from all around the map.

One of the events I was most excited about was dnf week. I even collaborated with two talented writers and I drew the corresponding art for two fics.

(Fun or not so fun fact: when twt had like three hundred collaborative aneurysms about the situation at that moment, that was when I created this tumblr account. I didn't use it super actively (I guess I needed another situation to fully make the switch) but I at least started the account that now developed quite a bit since then.)

I didn't really draw at all through January and February and I actually kinda thought I would move on from that hobby and fandom (not because of negative feelings, just because I didn't really have the urge to create anything within this fandom) and then situations happened and now I am here; and for some reason that is beyond any logic and my understanding I am now even more insane about dteam.

Wild to me but we are rolling with it now, I guess.

Since I got here, I drew more than ever (I actually think I might have made more drawings in the month since I got here than I made the whole rest of the year). There's just such an active and funny community here that cares about fan works for the sake of creating and not just because a CC might see it.

Unfortunately, Tumblr won't let me add more than 10 images in one post (maybe fortunately for everyone who has this monstrosity of a post on their dash). So if you want to see all the progress I made since I got here, you can look at everything in my art tag. For now, I will close this post with one of the art works from the past month that I like the most:

Can't wait to see what the next year might bring :)

Love, blu

#blu rambles #like a LOT #but if you made it to the end of this post you get a hug <3 #bluishfrog art

[shiro-luvs-victor]

This is just my impression so far on the MCs of Ikemen Series. I have seen posts about Ikemen MC not having enough spite, dumb, damsel and distress etc etc....and to some point I do agree with it. Even I made a post about MCs being overly positive. But at the same time I feel like this is done on purpose from the writers' part.

Let's just say it, the MCs are not really that relatable even though they try to make it look like that. MCs in these games are very kind-hearted for no reason, overly positive and lack basic common sense. For example, take this scene from Harry's story event:

Harry did mention to her before this that he can detect if a person is lying or not when he makes eye-contact. In the scene mentioned above, a person with common sense can easily tell that Harry lost on purpose. But for some reason Kate thought he lost because she was able deceived him. It is only later that Harry told her and Kate looked genuinely surprised. I don't think Kate is dumb. But I feel like the writers think we players are not that smart enough to distinguish between Harry's lies and truth. It makes me laugh some times.

I just honestly feel like MCs are portrayed this way so that we players could understand the game and its characters better. Like Paimon from genshin, who repeats everything in baby terms so that we could understand what we have to do (even if her screechy noise is annoying). MCs here are played by us, so when male characters has a plan that they don't reveal, MCs try to find out what their plan is so that we could understand. That's it. MCs are here just simplify the story to make us understand the character's better. They'll only ask the male characters what's needed to know right now and not anything extra. If it where a realistic MCs, she would ask more logical questions like:

Is Victor also cursed?

If Crown consists of only 'cursed' people and Victor went around to search these people, are there any 'cursed' people out there who rejected his request?

More questions on their abilities like: Can Harry still detect lies if someone closes their eye? Can Elbert trigger sad memories if a person doesn't have a sad memory? etc etc...

But we don't see Kate asking these questions.

I feel like the reason why we feel sometimes frustrated when MCs act in a certain way is because these MCs are not at all realistic. I'll never believe that someone with common sense did not try to run away after watching a murder happen. I'll never believe that someone with common sense falling into easy traps. Like this one scene from Silvio's story where, Silvio's daddy visits Rhodolite because his lost son is found and he also wants to know if Rhodolite King is dead blah blah blah...you guys know that story (I assume). Emma has to choose the next King without Silvio's dad knowing and they wait for Sariel's call. A servant comes to Emma's room to call both her and Rio. This servant itself is sus because Emma clearly states that she hasn't seen that servant before. When I read this, I immediately knew it was red flag. But even so, Emma and Rio ignores the red flag and goes with the servant and what do you know? They get kidnapped. The scene was very predictable. But it's so frustrating because, realistically speaking I think normal people would feel a little bit suspicious about the person given the situation. Maybe even question the servant. That's why I'm saying...I do feel MCs are not realistic enough. I don't think anyone is overly-kindhearted to the point that they would accept insults from the male leads and be like "I'm going to prove myself to you!". Normal people would just be like "fuck off!" and won't listen to their insults. No one is so dumb it fall into easy traps and no normal person is like "I will work hard to get to know them better." Majority of the people are way smarter and way selfish (not in a bad way though!). Many people have attitude, not everyone are kind to strangers. That's why MCs are not realistic, so there is no use in comparing MC to your personality or your intelligence. They are just tools for explaining the story in a simplified way and moving the plot forward. Because like I said, if Emma and Rio didn't go with the servant and get kidnapped, Silvio's story wouldn't move forward.

That's all. This no hate, this is just how I felt after reading quite amount of stories both in-game and on tumblr. MC's don't have much background because the writers don't really put too much thought about their personality. MCs are basically last on their lists. They just make sure that she's an adult, working woman (doing some odd jobs like a flowershop lady or something, because I've never seen a CEO MC), and they are very kind for some reason. They don't have family (except for Emma), they don't have a story, they don't have anything that impacts their personality. At least it would have been nice to see why a MC is so kind-hearted would be nice. But otome games' main selling points are the male leads. The male leads falls for MC's purity in their dark world.

#this is just my opinion #no hate at all #i do think mcs in ikemen games are fine #ikemen series #ikemen villains #ikemen prince #ikemen genjiden #ikemen sengoku #ikemen revolution #ikemen vampire #ikemen game #otome #otome game #ikemen mcs

[mrsparrasblog]

Advice from Price

Sometimes it feels strange, but as a writer, it's like the characters you create live in your mind - rent free, and you sense them judging you every move. "Why are you not writing my happy end, babe?" - Kyle. Let's just overlook my midnight thoughts for now. I promise I'll be fully focused next week- finishing the Makarov fic and my requests, but these days have been quite shitty. I had my first final exam today, tomorrow is the state Championship of my Apprenticeship, and I'm having numerous interviews for an exchange year. Anyway, enough rambling.

At times, I think about Price and the advice he shares with me throughout the day- always sitting like an Cartoon Angel on top of my shoulders. I thought maybe I'd share them with you, in case you need advice from Price too :)

If this fic isn't your cup of tea just ignore it I clearly made it for myself and don't want to be judged lol:(

----------------------------------------------------------

Overcoming Perfectionism

You: "What if I don't win? What if I'm not the best? What if my grades slip?"

Price: "You're one of the smartest and most capable women I know, if not the smartest and most capable. You've worked hard for those grades, and I'm confident you'll ace whatever test comes your way. But let's entertain the idea that you don't. It wouldn't change how I feel about you one bit. You're already my best girl. You don’t have to be perfect to earn my love, Darling."

You: "Sometimes I feel like if I don't have good grades, I lose the only special part about me. Having good grades is the only thing I can do, and if I fail that, I'll just be ordinary."

Price: (He would sigh at your words, acknowledging your fears even if they aren’t logical to him) "Darling, you're so much more than just your grades. You have a bright personality, you're sweet, kind, and beautiful. No matter what happens, you'll always be special and extraordinary. There's not one thing in the world that could make you ordinary to me."

------------------------------------------------------------

Gaining Weight

You: "John, love, I gained weight again," you sighed, looking at your body in the mirror. Of course, you were incredibly beautiful, but sometimes the monsters in your head just didn’t want to shut up.

Price: "Where's the problem?"

You: "You don’t mind?"

Price: He would smile warmly at you, his smile like in the campaign you know what I mean "No, you're already perfect just the way you are. That slight extra meat on your bones makes you even cuter, besides, there's even more of you for me to love and manhandle." He would make you laugh, letting you forget all your concerns.

Needless to say, he showed you just how much he didn’t mind your body. All night.

#cod #cod mw2 #cod mwii #cod x reader #call of duty #tf 141 #john price #captain john price #captain price mw2 #captain price #price x reader #price #141 #cod fic #captain johnathan price

[whokilledbelle]

𑁍 | 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐃 𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄𝐒.

book.

the inheritance games.

pairings.

grayson hawthorne x lyra kane.

summery.

grayson hawthorne and his camera. lyra knew how much he loves his camera. hell, he took pictures of different places around the world. sometimes, he takes pictures of her favorite places when he’s gone and he gives it to her. but other times, he just has to take a picture of her. especially when it’s surprising and she doesn’t even know it. after all, who can’t take a picture when she’s laughing like that? definitely not grayson devenport hawthorne.

or, in which the incidents of lyra kane catches grayson hawthorne taking candid pictures of her.

warnings.

nothing much—just fluff lmao, pet names, taking pictures without the person noticing (is that even a warning)? forehead kisses + kisses.

𝐋𝐘𝐑𝐀 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃 when grayson showed her his pictures. it was his hobby; the thing he loved—the thing that he only showed her. she couldn’t help but feel pride about the fact; that he was comfortable enough to show her that special side of him.

although, it’s when he took surprise pictures that ruins it.

she was kidding.

she did love to see herself in pictures. she loved it when he took pictures of her and put them in a picture. “you were too beautiful not to,” was his excuse whenever she caught him.

in her opinion, it was cute as hell.

incident one.

he couldn’t help himself. his girlfriend was over there, laughing at someone that avery had said, looking beautiful. and in that dress, too, beautiful.

thankfully, he’d brought his camera before he came to the party. he was used to catching moments like these with lyra, after all. he took the black camera out and quickly took a picture, making another photo slide out of the camera with the picture.

although, when he put the camera down, he saw a familiar look come from lyra, who was looking at him. she walked over towards him and he couldn’t help but let his eyes trail down over her outfit. her dress fit her perfectly.

“taking pictures of me again, gray?” she teased, looking up at the blond. the tips of grayson’s lips lifted slightly; something that lyra was always able to do to him.

“i can’t stop myself, lyra. you were too beautiful not to.”

incident two.

lyra was running around in the salty water, her wet hair sticking to her skin almost uncomfortably. she would’ve been bothered if it weren’t for the waves halfway up her hip.

grayson wanted to stay on land for a change—which was bluntly unusual—but lyra brushed it off. after all, he was grayson davenport hawthorne. he always did something that added up sooner or later.

she closed her eyes, enjoying herself in the water. she could feel the huge smile on her face as the waves crashed into the length of her, almost making her fall if she had not caught herself beforehand.

she felt someone staring at her nearby and she instinctively turned towards where grayson was sitting. there the boy was, putting what seemed like a camera back in his bag.

now i know why he brought it, lyra thought, mentally cursing herself for not guessing it sooner. she ran out of the ocean and towards him where he sat on a chair with an umbrella casting shade.

“wow. taking pictures of me while i’m in the ocean? why am i not surprised,” she said bluntly, though her voice had a hint of amusement. grayson smiled one of those smiles at her, taking off his sunglasses.

“sorry, lyra. you were just too beautiful not to.”

incident three.

grayson watched as the girl peacefully slept. he couldn’t help but feel lucky; lucky that she even wanted him enough to love him; to stand next to him willingly; to sleep with him.

before her, his heart was broken. he’d never told anyone his problems. never showed happiness. never whispered to anyone his secret hobbies without feeling judged; his fears without feeling pathetic; his heart without feeling horrified.

that was, of course, before lyra kane came into his life.

after she came, his life changed for the better before he even knew it.

he lifted his hand up, softly brushing a strand of brown hair away from her face. he loved moments like this—where it was just the two of them.

he turned over to the side of his bed where his bag lays. he’d came home from a meeting he had, but he never got to unpack because lyra immediately hugged him.

he sat up quietly, silently hoping that the girl wouldn’t wake up as he took his bag and unzipped it. inside was his camera. he swiftly took it out and turned the black box on.

he quickly took the picture, but not before waling the sleeping girl. “gray,” she mumbled. he could tell that she already knew what he was doing.

he smiled softly, leaning in to kiss her. “you were just too beautiful not to.”

#grayson davenport hawthorne #grayson hawthorne #grayson #lyra #lyra kane #phone girl #grayson x phone girl #grasyon x lyra #lyra x grayson #the inheritance games #the inheritance trilogy #the hawthorne legacy #the final gambit #the grandest game #jennifer lynn barnes

[soldier-poet-king]

I need to be weirder. I need to hang out/talk with more intensely weird and deeply genuine people, and more frequently

#franposting #apropos of me being weirder and more terrible and more honest lately #and it feels. good? mentally clearer. more at peace #this isnt some oh small talk is bullshit nonsense #it has a place! we need socisl scripts to be polite and function sometimes! #i am simply saying that i personally have spent far too long being the idea of a person. the mask of one #that i want to start being a real person. my pinocchio ass out here like #people pleasing out of fear needs to stop. you can be unsettling. babe. babe its okay. you can laugh ugly and loud and be strange #and too intense and think too much and say strange things #and the world wont end. you can be a person warts and all #it is so weird. and also lowkey pathetic that i am only realizing this now aged 27 #like. my fear didnt make me more palatable or more loved. #it just made me lonely AND more depressed #i might still be isolated and lonely and offputting. but at least i can laugh at myself in joy in the meanwhile #idk if that makes any sense but it does to me so maybe thats all that matters for this post #ANYWAY everyone who ive been talking w lately #(yall know who u are) #im like. thank u. thank u

[yaoianime]

Soon im rly gonna do it

#🕸️ #sui mention #< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are #like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however #every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day #it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a #wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach #into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i #cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening #almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not #only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is #to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being #or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in #coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe #its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont #hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am #im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf #its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will #i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to #do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks #thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me

[victoriartdrawings]

fanfic rec post tomorrow maybe???👀

me to all my fandom ships knowing perfectly i wont have the time to do even 1 for at least one pairing til next week 🤡

#percabeth #snowbaird #anidala #zutara #hiccstrid #so much more ships name to add (like REALLY) these tagged ships are just some my brain is currently obsessed with this week #my next obsession next month???? idk yet 💀 my head is weird. like often #rn im mostly frustated with myself and feel a little bit useless be.cause. it takes so much time!!! but i want to do it #but i dont #so my brain says to me DWE IT YOU LAZY USELESS PROCASTINATING ASS!!!! #like first i have to remember the fic #then scroll through my 7000 downloaded fic folder. a nightmare 💀most of the time i dont remember the title but only the period #where i was obsessed with them (also hell because my multiple obsession with a ship always leave and then come back 2 or 6 months later 🤡 #so sometimes I find myself downloading 2 or 3 times the same fic🤡) #(ALSO some its been 4/5 years since i read them so i let u imagine the headache i get trying to remember lol) #then class them by long fic one shot - theme etc...while re-reading fast some of them bc my memory is shit #and AFTER ALL THAT i write the actual commentary for each one of them and remembering what my experience reading it was like #because personal commentary that made people laugh and want to read the fic recommended make me so happy for the author!!!! #ALSO I MOSTLY JUST LOVE SHARING MY READING EXPERIENCE WITH OTHERS!!!!! SO MUCH JOY AND HAPPINESS! #but then real life is like no.not today. and indeed. not today. #fanfic rec #fanfic #reader #fandom

[pendinganchor]

facing my fear of sharing my writing real quick 🫡

note: idk the exact timeline for this fic yet . i’ll worry about that if i ever actually write it . also *insert i hate jkr statement* but as a trans man i feel that should go unsaid

Draco was trying, and failing, to remain focused on his book when he felt someone sit next to him. He still didn’t feel like he belonged in this house so he was keeping to himself. “You seem to have something on your mind.”

“Sorry?” he asked as his attention moved from the book to the man who spoke to him.

“You haven’t turned a page in over ten minutes. And you’re usually quite the fast reader.”

“Oh.” Draco glanced at the page number then carefully shut the book. He shifted his body to be more comfortable— he hadn’t noticed when his back started hurting because of his position. He gave his former teacher his full attention. “Observant are we?”

“When you’ve experienced the things I have, you learn to be.” Draco nodded in silent agreement— he did know. “So, what’s got you distracted from a good book?”

“Normal angsty teenage things.”

“Care to share?”

Draco made a face. “I hardly believe you care about this sort of thing.”

“I was an angsty teenager once. An outside perspective might be helpful, try me.”

“It’s about my love life.” Or more accurately his lack of one.

“Ah. Not sure I can help, but give it a shot.”

Draco paused for a moment, deciding if he should say anything. “How do I get rid of this stupid pull I feel towards him?”

Remus let out a soft laugh— like he knew what Draco wasn’t saying. “I fear it’s in your genetics, Draco. You can’t get rid of that.”

“What?”

“You aren’t the first Black to fall in love with a Potter. You’re not even the second.” Draco opened his mouth to protest— to say he wasn’t in love with Harry. But stopped when Remus gave him a pointed look. “I am all too familiar with the look of love on a member of the Black family.” Draco followed the man’s gaze to Sirius— who was waving his arms around as he said something to one of the Weasleys. Draco couldn’t tell which one from this distance.

“Is it worth it?” He felt a sudden urge to cry. An urge to say never mind, he didn’t want to know the answer.

“Is what worth it?” Remus asked as they made eye contact with each other again.

He thought about not elaborating. Just walking away. “Falling in love with a Black?”

“Every second.”

#‘fear of sharing my writing’ he says as he shares it all the time #BUT i have soooo much that never sees the light of day #i have written at least 300 words every day for almost a year and have shared barely any of it #anywho! #that last line makes me adjdlausvdk #i think this is the longest piece i’ve shared in a while #it originally started with Remus laughing but then i decided the beginning needed more context and it got longer #draco is essentially asking if he’s worth loving any i hate it here but i only have myself to blame #drarry #draco malfoy #harry potter #remus lupin #hinted jegulus #and by hinted i mean blatantly obvious #wizarding world #userkarson #karson writes things sometimes

[deus-ex-mona]

s. s ave me, meoto…

#n o t me clinging to meoto to retain my sanity bc g o o d l o r d today was the worst #today was truly a very bad; very horrible day indeeeeeeed #man. today truly was a comedic tragedy in every way possible. i’d laugh if i were anyone else tbh #first i couldn’t start my workstation bc we were out of this cleaning acid thing. #t h e n this other branch lab sent over a precise amount of [reagent] that we needed to make the cleaning acid thing #*and* what’s worse was that they also demanded like. 1/5 of the acid we mixed. like bro. make it yourself mans. #but the worst part was when i tried to use a dropper to poke this sediment out of [tube i was supposed to be cleaning] #bUT THEN HALF OF THE DROPPER MELTED BC THAT BUGGER CAN’T HANDLE HIGH TEMPERATURES AAAAAAAAAAAAAA #stupid new droppers man. the old droppers could handle 100 degrees just fine. s o now the tube is clogged with melted plastic and it’s just. #life’s *really* great sometimes yk~~~~? (ʘ‿ʘ) #and so the night shift dude who came to take over the workstation against expectations seemed kinda pissed that i hadn’t started anything #and im just there. with my intestines wriggling about like internal abdominal worms. tryin not to cry in the face of my mistake. #while he’s fumin’ away like a freakin’ chimney or sth. like. man. no one asked you to take this workstation. you came here on your own. :( #anyway i ditched him and left for my break to calm myself down only to be approached by some random terribly lost middle aged to old lady #who was looking for directions to *somewhere* but she only spoke chinese aaaaaaaa #and i can’t read maps/i don’t even live in the area of my workplace so i have no idea if the lady managed to make it safely #but. lol. the lady showed me her message screen when she asked me for directions to her destination #and by pure coincidence the person she was texting is apparently related to someone with the same first name as me #the cons and cons of having common names man. i hope the lady managed to find her friend with the same name as me though lol #anyways. pls hw im begging. pls drop the crossfade for lxl birthday tmr i n e e d more meoto to carry on— #s o b s this is what im living for now ig. meoto………..

[knowlesian]

my last post and the shameless mountain goats reference i threw in there got me thinking about one of my favorite story beats, because it combines a lot of character work and thematic oomph in one: ed being a victim of his own legend and ability to protect himself by hiding in plain sight + codeswitch into the version of himself that best suits the company/situation he’s in, in many ways but often most visibly through his interactions with izzy.

my take on “is blackbeard real or fake” has always been “yes”; blackbeard is pieces of ed filtered and strained and assembled and pruned down in ways that scarred him even as they kept him safe, in ways that are very sad and often stretching the definition of safe as far as ed’s personal definition of murder. nonetheless: it got him to the place he's at, still alive. could he have done it another way? who knows! that was the way he did it, it's the way he knows will work because it did work.

or: he thinks he knows that. but the legend was never all of ed and in fact demanded he spotlight pieces of himself he doesn't like so much a lot and repress a lot of the things that make him feel good, it’s not helping/hurting anymore. it’s just dragging him down.

so ed is sick of the blackbeard schtick; and here’s the rub. if he’d been worse at the art of personal fuckery alongside the pirate type, maybe none of this is happening. the world never knows his name; or worse, once he gets spotted as a man who won't kill they mock it. 

that version of ed does not attract izzy ‘ask me about my boner for the sunk cost fallacy’ hands, or does not keep him. because izzy has built his identity around ed’s legend; who is blackbeard’s first mate, if there is no blackbeard? who the fuck even is izzy hands, if he’s not seated at the right hand of edward teach?

now. you would hope, in a better world, that izzy would be like you know, edward, the thing here is: you wanting something different involves emotional consequences for me. i would have to figure out my whole life over again and i am simultaneously con o’neill’s age and emotionally sixteen like the real world me was, so you can see that would be super complicated. i have so fucking much baggage and you are just adding to it, and i do not like that. also: this fucks up my work situation and my home life at once, it makes me feel sad and abandoned and itchy in ways i do not wish to label with words because they would be gay ones like ‘please don’t leave me, i love you and i thought it was mutual’ so like... world rocked, thoroughly and in ways that make me want to rant until past last call, in conclusion this sucks and i think it's twenty mistakes in a trenchcoat, some of them maybe life threatening! i wish you would not.

and then he would step back and let ed make his own fucking choices anyway and either do the work to figure himself out in the same space or finally grab those cds from the car and find his own place to do the same, because a shitty fact of adult life is sometimes people cannot be what we want or need. sometimes that is because they suck: sometimes, it’s just because they can’t or don't want to, and that isn't them being mean or withholding. they don't owe us more than the basic kindness and dignity we all owe to each other just because we put in our hours longing for them to do so. that’s some toxic, entitled shit. understandable! an impulse i share at times! but we should never be That Guy (gender neutral) because the friendzone doesn’t actually exist and nobody deserves to win someone else as a prize for hanging around long enough and driving them to the airport. that’s just called being friends, etc.

izzy is sadly currently stuck on being That Guy. so instead of realizing ed is an adult man and can make his own choices, even if izzy thinks they're bad ones, he fucking panics and starts swinging around and finally runs to big daddy england to make stede bonnet stooooooooop (messing with ed’s brain).

and of course he does something like that! he thinks a relationship is when you metaphorically own each other and when you can only be tender after putting your right foot in and then putting it out before once again putting it in and then proceeding to shake it all about, violent rituals unlock love style. he’s a desperate man in a hell entirely of his own making.

and so is ed, in this entirely different way but stuck in his own fucking orbit as firmly as izzy, only ed is trying to claw his way up and out to see what else he can be, while izzy would do juuuust about anything (including lick the king’s boots) to stay the same forever.

that’s some tragic shit. i love this writing team, the end.

#what if i staple no children to their heads when they're together what then #truly this is some good writing #like: i find izzy fascinating because he was written by the same team who wrote everybody else #he sucks in ways that i want to think about because they sometimes allow me to examine myself #and then sometimes let me laugh at his dumb ass or talk about serious thematic shit #he bears a lot of weight in the narrative because that's in part what a good antagonist should do #anyway yeah the sort of classic tragedy of these two is super interesting since like...clearly the show knows what's up #i maintain izzy is gonna figure his shit out and become a productive member of this pirate society tho #because okay like: in real life i know the best i can often hope for is somebody knocking a specific behavior off #and often they won't ever do that #but if they did the world would be better and they would be better and i would have another comrade #i will always settle for one less enemy if that is my only choice #but i'd rather make a new ally i can trust #and my fantasy is often that the izzys of the world in all their forms don't just knock it off #it's that they start fighting alongside me or become someone i don't mind being around because i CAN trust them now #(hey: i did say it was a fantasy) #so i kind of ask myself: what makes life better in this fictional world #an izzy who can't hurt people because he is no longer around or an izzy who has started to figure his shit out #anyway yes: this shit is sad and well-crafted

[tachiisms]

.

#on like strictly an ooc basis though i know i haven't been here in a while and randomly just popped on to shitpost #'cause laura's post made me laugh (ty! ily!) #but i'm still mostly over on my other blog. i've had a lot going on and like being with my soft girls right now #and also star wars hasn't really been sparking joy recently and it's been making this dash feel claustrophobic in a way idk how else #to really describe? like it's nothing to do with the actual people or characters on this dash it's more just that it's almost all star wars #if that makes any sense at all? #(which is probably stupid because no one really cares about the muses on my other blog so i'm only playing myself here lmao) #(but idc they make me happy and it's fine that they aren't popular) #but i also find that it can be kind of hard to branch out from star wars to get a wider range to rp with on siri #'cause it's mostly just modern type or crossover type verses #and that's been feeling Hard lately just because of the star wars stuff i just mentioned #but i do have a star wars related project with a friend that'll be...sometime upcoming? so i'm hoping that it will spark the joy again #but for now i'm mostly over on my other blog but since i follow a lot of the same people i sometimes see things and pop over here lol #anywhomst if you're at all interested in sigrid from the hobbit or susan pevensie from narnia (or breha who's also star wars) #(idk i'm not having the same problem with breha as siri probably because she's on the multi? anyway back to the point) #then feel free to go follow my other blog which is @viaminvenia but no pressure!! sigrid and susan don't have star wars verses #ily all you're all so talented and such good writers and just *chef kiss* all over the dash #ooc

[serialreporter]

honestly obsessed with the idea of dan being so naturally good humored and relaxed, that nothing seems to phase him. but when he does get pissed off, its horrible. so horrible.

#☼ you don't know the murderer sitting next to you. ﹙ headcanons. ﹚ #☼ and nobody would know that i was secretly myself. ﹙ danny johnson. ﹚ #he's extremely good at masking because he had to be to survive #he always seems so chill. he's the one in control and he /knows/ it. #he rarely gets mad at survivors. just annoyed sometimes #the only time he gets actually pissed off is situations like in his lore tome #ppl making a mockery of his work and his idols #you dont laugh at legends :')

[legeebeeteequah]

There was only one ladder.

#That's it #that's the post #Sometimes I make myself laugh so I know I have to inflict it on my mutuals #you're welcome #911 spoilers #911onfox #buddie #there was only one bed #ao3

[ddeexxmm]

Its so joever for me bruh im 18 with no friends no job not in school no hobbies no goals no achievements

#whenever i go outside i feel so incredibly uncomfortable like everyone is staring at me and laughing at me i cant even walk normally #and i was legitametly getting stared at when i went to college so its not like im just paranoid or something #i probably am actually getting stared at and made fun of just like i was in college #i think i look worse then i think i do and that makes me so sad lol #i know im ugly but sometimes i see myself and think maybe i dont look TOO bad or at least when i lose weight i wont look so bad #but maybe im just irredeemably ugly and nothing can fix it #why else would people stare at me im unremarkable at best #im not tall or super underweight and i dont dress weird i do everything i possibly can to fade into the background #so why do people stare at me #the only logical answer is that im just incredibly ugly #so my life is basically just over lol #i know people dont want to talk to me but i figured it was just because im quiet so i pushed myself to be more talkative and outgoing #but obviously that didnt work so it must just be cause im ugly #thats why people stare at me #i guess if i get to a low enough weight at least the stares will be about my body and not my face #that would be a little better i think #when i was growing up all i hoped for was that i would live a normal life once i grew up #i dont even care about leaving a mark on the world or being some important person anymore #i just want to feel content with my life for once man #i havent been happy with myself or my life since i was twelve years old #all ive done since then is fail my parents and fail myself #i know im a disappointment to them no matter what they say ive seen theyre text messages and i see the way they treat me #im nothing but a waste of money and time #and to top it off i look like a fucking ogre #all i ever wanted was to be happy with myself. i cant even live up to my own expectations. #i will never amount to anything

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

🌃

#I'm trying to make batfam character playlists for the first three robins (bc they're the characters i know best rn) #and unsurprisingly the jason one is 90% mcr #but what's making me laugh really hard rn is that what very little i have for my dick grayson playlist comes from #the subsection of my library i sometimes think of as ''sad girl music'' #so like. lucy dacus and omam and stuff like that. there's a song by BLÜ EYES in there solely bc i was listening to it while #reading a fic #meanwhile my tim playlist currently has only two songs on it: mental math by julien baker and famous last words by mcr #anyway this is just to say that I'm laughing at myself over the music i for some reason associate with these boys #i need to also make a steph playlist. i have some ideas for hers i just wanna get to know her character a bit better first #music