#i may end up upping the dose to manage my REAL bad intrusive sleep episodes but like

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Actually all I want in life is for someone to pay me to release two hour podcasts that are just me and Someone I Like talking about various fantasy societies and their handling of, say, gender segregation and the concept of “women’s work,” or similarly niche topics.

#kencyrath #chronicles of the kencyrath #podcast bound in pale leather #NO PRIZES FOR WHAT THE UPCOMING EPISODE IS ABOUT #i love it #also ya boy is starting adhd meds! so hopefully my editing pace will at least stabilize #i feel like someone turned the volume down on my brain #i may end up upping the dose to manage my REAL bad intrusive sleep episodes but like #Notable Improvement #i sat through an entire dinner without pulling out my phone #that LITERALLY has not happened in five years #anyway...the kencyrath are one of the only hard gender-segregated fantasy societies i know of #that doesn't totally discredit the value of ''women's work'' in the narrative even though on a watsonian level it's not considered important #the women's world has the best pain control techniques! the most esoteric magic! the best codemakers and codebreakers! #i have...half a thought that will grow and become a complete thought at some point in a later episode #and it goes 'something something the priest's college and the women's world are toxic masculinity and toxic femininity at their finest'

[scriptshrink]

What are mixed episodes like?

The Scriptshrink consultants answer!

CW: Suicide, self-harm

Charlie

It's... weird, and absolutely terrifying to be honest? 

You get two kind of different presentations, one where you switch between pure mania and depressive symptoms rapidly, and another where the two almost occur together at the same time. I've only ever experienced the latter. 

In my case, it presented as being absolutely miserable, but so agitated. In my "pure" depressive states, I'm tired and lethargic and can barely get out of bed. I have suicidal thoughts and I want to self harm, but because I just completely lack any kind of motivation, I can't act on these thoughts. 

But when the manic symptoms kick in, it gets really frightening. I still feel as miserable, except now I have so much energy and my thoughts are moving so quickly that I end up thinking of countless ways to kill myself in excruciating detail, and these kinds of racing thoughts are just completely unstoppable. And it's scary, because I can literally see it in my head? All of the ways to hurt and/or kill myself are just playing in my mind like a movie. 

I'd also have constant ideas coming into my head, really exciting things like projects I could start, which is a normal symptom of mania. Except because I was also horrifically depressed, I'd talk myself out of them. It was like my mania was suggesting one thing, but the depression would talk me out of it. 

"I could go out and party/have lots of impulsive sex"            "No you can't, you're ugly and no one wants to be with you" 

 "I could write a book!"            "You have no talent and no one would read what you wrote" 

"I could paint!"             "You're awful at art and everything else". 

And so on.

I also barely get any sleep, another common symptom of mania, but instead of still feeling energetic and not needing to sleep, I still feel exhausted. I usually can't sleep because my thoughts don't stop racing and I can't seem to relax enough to slow it down. And I can't sit still. So I'll eventually get to sleep at 4/5am after trying for hours, usually wake up about 2-3 hours later. If I do manage to get more than 6 hours, it's really restless, I wake up a lot, and I STILL feel like a truck has hit me the next day.

Also this is really outdated but I think it's one of the best, most in depth descriptions I've ever read: https://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2008/01/29/the-insane-guide-to-living-with-mental-illness-the-mixed-episode/

NaamahDarling

It's pretty atrocious.

It happens to me a couple times a year, and because I am GOOD by now at catching it early and I have safety measures in place, it never lasts long now. It feels like depression, but there's an agitated edge to it.   I am more volatile emotionally. 

I dissociate? I think? A little.  What that looks like for me is having intense emotional reactions to things but having no connection to those reactions. Like, I might be crying wildly, but that's just my body doing it, and my mind is on the outside going "Whoa, damn, dude. That's pretty bad.  You gonna be all right there, little buddy?"  I can't stop it.  I am not even, after a certain point, even feeling any distress, I'm just a passive audience.  It sounds like that wouldn't be all that bad -- crying without feeling sad? -- but it's very bad, it's terrifying.   I'm always afraid I might do something else while "out of it" like that, and I don't know if I could stop myself, the same way I can't stop from crying.  They are very frightening! 

That weird dissociation? Also manifests as this dull static in my head, nothing feels like it matters or is real, I can be in discomfort or pain, I can be hungry or have to pee, and I just . . . don't care.  I don't care at all.   All I want to do is lie in bed and do nothing, feel nothing.  I do the bare minimum necessary to sustain myself.  Drink, use the bathroom, sleep.  I might do repetitive things like playing phone games or coloring in a coloring book (which can ground me) or do a puzzle.  I have to seek out grounding things.  Being around people helps, but I also hate it at that time because it's intrusive having to deal with someone else.

Mixed states make me feel helpless.  I won't know what to do.  My ability to make decisions, my executive functioning, goes straight to hell.  I won't be able to make myself food.  Asking for help is VERY hard, as I always feel like I'm in the way or unwelcome or am being unreasonable.  (That's a feature of depression, but when you add the agitation, it's SO UNPLEASANT because there's this insistent feeling that I NEED help, I really NEED it, but I can't ask for it.)  I am miserable and desperately want to ask for help, but it's very hard to do so, and I don't always know what I need, which makes it harder. 

I can tell one is coming on because I get agitated and irritable.  I get restless.  I want to DO THINGS but I also get bored more easily.  I start having trouble getting to sleep -- I just don't feel tired.  The not being able to sleep just makes it worse.  They can, in fact, be BROUGHT ON by a lack of sleep, even for just a couple of days.  This is why, when people try to get me to do things that require massive schedule upheaval, I get so distressed.  It might send me into a tailspin and I could go into a mixed state and I just . . . fucking do not want that at all ever.

When I feel one coming on, I notify my loved ones that I am going to need help with basic things more often, I start enforcing medication/bedtimes, step up the dose of my mood stabilizer, and, ideally, notify my doctor if I have one I trust. (I currently do not.)  This is usually enough to bring it down in a few days or a week, and it's not that bad if I catch it early. 

Treated, they typically last from a few days up to a couple of weeks before I get them under control.  I'm very good at it by now, and my routine works.  When I feel stable again, I drop my dose back down and see how I am doing. 

NOT treated, they may not end for weeks.  Had one a couple years ago that lasted like 3 months because insurance didn't want to pay for my goddamn mood stabilizers, and they are what keep me from having them.  I almost hurt myself and I am still very very very angry about it. 

Mixed states are just garbage and I HATE them.

Disclaimer 

#text #bipolar #bipolar I #bipolar II #manic episode #mixed episode #mixed features #depression #suicide #self harm #consultant #scriptshrink consultants #this is not psychological or medical advice #this is writing advice #personal experiences #Charlie #naamahdarling