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keepingsecretstokeepyoutk · 3 days

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This is going to be very long and sound a little crazy at first, and maybe a little mean but please hear me out…

I’m convinced that Taylor sometimes purposefully includes one line or multiple lines of poorly written or clunky lyrics in specific songs to make a point.

We all have seen some version of this with bearding songs like London Boy, a simple bop whose lyrics were immediately detected as sounding disingenuous, even with the general population (the locations she was signing about were the most touristy and too far away from each other to visit on the same day, etc, basically implying that she doesn’t actually have a long term local bf there that she spends a bunch of time with exploring the city with, etc).

But just like everything else on the album, I think she’s doing maybe a more in your face version of that. No holds barred.

So High School is an obvious example of this, with all of the early 2000’s hs imagery, she seems pretty blatantly to be mocking the idea the public has of her “living out every American girl’s high school fantasy” of dating the tall popular football player. With lyrics like “touch me while your friends play grand theft auto” (barf), etc, shes being clear enough that this is not a serious song.

This is the possibly controversial part, but I’m so curious to see what others think about this - I think another iteration of this on this album is the title track, The Tortured Poets Department. Hear me out.

(First, I want to reassure you that there are lines in this song that I really like and think are well written, like: “you’re in self-sabotage mode/throwing spikes down on the road” and “but you awaken with dread/pounding nails in your head/but I’ve read this one/where you come undone/I chose this cyclone with you”. And I fully agree with the idea that these sentiments are from Karlie’s perspective. Basically, when you take out the chunks I’m about to talk about this song makes way more sense and has a beautiful sentiment of undying love behind it - which makes the following parts stick out that much more!)

The first time I listened through the album, and this was the second song, I got terrified because I didn’t understand its place in the whole narrative and when I heard the first clunky line “scratch your head like a tattooed golden retriever” I got the ick. Then the bridge with no structure and no wit and no clever turns of phrase, no metaphor, just “you put my ring on the finger people put wedding rings on” and “that was the closest I’ve ever been to my heart exploding”. So over simplified and cheesy, and doesn’t sound anything like her writing, especially the caliber of her recent lyrics

I know art is largely subjective, but I insist there is no way that the same person who wrote Cowboy Like Me wrote these lines into her title track if she didn’t have a reason and a point to make. To make it clear that this isn’t a matter of genre personal taste, because I know CLM is a very specific sound and a style that music snobs often take more seriously - I love SO many of her candy pop bangers, they are infinitely more clever, articulate, and overall works of art by a true wordsmith than this. Karma, The Very First Night, etc are all a master classes in clever words and tight writing being tucked into an “unserious” pop song.

The lyrics I cited above to me sound like what haters believe her writing sounds like, even fans who make little jokey TikTok’s about her and make up a spoofy something to sing while in character - that’s what these lyrics sound like.

Im worried im being too harsh, but please stay with me because the more I think about the more genius I think it actually is.

In the context of the themes of rest of the album, (her being trapped, miserable, manipulated, ready to burn it all down, screaming to be seen) this theory became clear to me. I think she’s leaning into her public persona (in more ways than one, we’ve already seen it with the stunting), in a way setting a “trap” for her fans and the public, that will essentially call them all out on how they ignored the real her in favor of her pr narrative, making the album about paternity tests, etc, all of which I’m guessing will become very clear in retrospect, possibly after she comes out? (Of course it’s already clear to us now, which is another purpose of the beard songs including clunky writing - to signal to us that these are not serious and that she knows that we know that she knows (like Phoebe on friends lol))

Ultimately, this is (along with So Highschool) a classic beard song. When she writes in this voice, she embodies the most extreme versions of her public persona, not just the one she has cultivated on purpose, but also the one that people have of her that don’t know her (as she did in Blank Space), including those that don’t take her seriously - because her identity as a boy crazy psycho ex girlfriend is directly tied to people dismissing her art as vapid because, they’ve only ever heard her singles, they don’t know the full her.

That voice is the straightest, the most boy crazy, the most one note, and sometimes the most unsophisticated writer version of her that people have in their minds, including her fans - the fans that refuse to see her as a whole person, the real, that believe she is head over heals for big football boy, that believe “he knows how to ball, I know Aristotle” is a romantic line about how opposites attract, the fans that say they don’t “get” some of her most beautiful and well-written songs, the fans that don’t see her and haven’t been seeing her.

They didn’t see giant Taylor on the eras tour, they refuse to see all of her queer signaling, etc, and I think she’s making the bearding songs obvious to underscore the difference between her Taylor(TM) and Taylor(person) personas.

She knows that despite the fact that the lyrics don’t even come close to measuring up to the rest of the album, the public, and many of her fans, will make this song one of the most listened to simply because they are looking for evidence of her relationships from the past year. We’ve all commented on how insane it is that this layered, complex, devastating album is being reduced to the usual paternity tests. This is currently one of the top songs precisely because it is “about Matty”. And of course, So High School is one of the tops songs along with it because it’s “about Travis”.

The juxtaposition of the bearding songs alongside her beautifully written poetry of Prophecy, Peter, Whose Afraid of Little Old Me, Cassandra, How did it end, The Albatross, etc mirrors the juxtaposition of her two selves during the Midnights era.

She has proven the point that if they think she wrote every line of this song completely in earnest, then they see her largely no differently than her haters do, as a subpar writer who writes absurdly cheesy love songs praising trashy to mediocre, problematic men. By eating it up they tell her that’s what she’s good for, for being the subject of tabloids and warring fans who make this entire album about two (purposefully) mediocre songs and the men who “inspired” them.

She has proven her point - that a subset of her fans will be distracted by a lesser song simply because they think it’s about one of the greasy men that’s she been seen holding hands with. That they will ignore once again all of her pleas to be seen, that she’s in pain and caged, and has been driven insane by their willful ignorance. That they don’t appreciate her full potential and talent, that they don’t even see it, and just want to be confirmed in their ideation of her.

This song is essentially the “forget him(her)” pill at the beginning of the fortnight mv, but it’s a sedative for the fans, who are addicted to her straight narrative. Similar to Willow’s 13 chants of “that’s my man” that started off evermore, casting a spell of heteronormativity over everyone who wanted it, so that they could choose to just completely ignore the following 14 gayest songs ever written. Don’t pay no mind to her singing directly about women with zero male perspective - she said “that’s my man!” We’re good! She’s still straight!

Taylor in the fortnight mv had to a take a sedative to be able to go into the next room and write her bearding songs - ie she self medicates to deal with keeping up the straight persona and to get through having to release dumbed down songs to feed the masses. (I also see the pill as something forced on her, I think it represents both layers)

From the first time I watched the music video I thought the writing Taylor looked so miserable and the bearding songs are why.

In this room she’s trapped, churning out the songs that her fans expect of her, the songs that make her team money, the songs that make her money, but that she has to compromise her truth to create.

But when she frees herself she’ll burn the stories that weren’t true, the filler that doesn’t represent her.

I’m curious to hear other’s thoughts on this - have you ever felt like Taylor purposefully inserts off-sounding lyrics that are written in a different voice to make a point?

I want to reiterate that it’s not the entirety of either song that I think is terrible, I genuinely love bopping along to both So High School and TTPD (track). Like I said above, when you remove the clunky lines from ttpd (track), the song has another layer and likely gives voice to some Karlie insight that is beautiful and tragically profound. It’s the red herrings, the pieces specifically meant to tie this song to a bearding narrative, that I’m dissing, and the only reason they are suspicious in the first place is because I know how gifted Taylor is with the written word.

Taylor is such a skilled writer that she can embody the voice of the bad writer that dismissive ignorant idiots believe her to be, just to make a point!

I even wonder if maybe there is a second version of this song locked away in one of those drawers in the fortnight writing room that leaves out the red herrings and is a thousand times better than the bearding version we got.

I hope one day we get to hear it.

#gaylor #kaylor #bearding #closeting #ttpd #so high school

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channelnintendo · 1 day

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im quite sad its become a trend in the fire emblem fanbase to hate three houses for being too popular. ive been into this series since i was a kid and i think its awesome wonderful and amazing that a game in the series was able to take off to such success and new heights and im so happy for the series

(also yknow. all the sales means we're going to get like. way more fire emblem games. whats the issue)

like i dunno whenever i try to bring up three houses in a fire emblem space im usually just met with responses of "oh that game is So overrated" "uugh its so slow the monastery is just padding until you get to a battle" "engage is so underrated and miles better than it" "the storys not even that good, people are just convincing themselves it is" blah blah blah

i know they wanna sound different but they just sound rude and kind of boring honestly

i get peoples main reason for hating 3h: its popular, super popular, different, and a lot of people only play it and no other fe games

but like..... i want to put that into perspective:

the nintendo switch is one of the best selling video game consoles of all time. there are literally millions upon millions of people who only have a nintendo switch and no other console, letalone a 3ds or a gameboy advance. many people who only play three houses literally just have a switch

the only other fire emblem game on switch is engage (which i love!!), an anniversary game celebrating the series thats intentionally parallel to three houses by being lighthearted and silly. while it is amazing, most people love three houses for its character and stories, they dont Want something like engage cause its the total opposite of three houses.

actually, i believe in an interview nintendo confirmed 3h and engage were developed at the same time and intended to be parallels

and now a lot of arguments i hear

"just get a 3ds" thats a Lot Of Money. i mean i love awakening with all my heart its such a fantastic amazing game. but that is like. a big investment. thats a reallyyy big investment

"just emulate it" not everyone has a computer, and outside of tumblr (and twitter, the most popular place for piracy) many feel uncomfortable pirating something. and if they dont have a computer, not many people wanna risk downloading potentially suspicious stuff on their phone

"just mod your 3ds" combines the above issues. you need a computer for that. and a proper sd card. and, you know, a 3ds. its actually really expensive to mod your 3ds memes aside. a lot of people love three houses as a fun fantasy story they can get into, they dont wanna make all these leaps and jumps to try the other games

"just watch a playthrough" is a LOT better argument!! and i agree and i do that! ive been watching a path of radiance longplay lately its awesome! but this brings me to my next point

acting like someone isnt a "true fan" of the series because they havent played every game... is such an insult to the series, and its games

in fact, if you think like that, you honestly just view these games as content rather than games honestly??? i mean. is one game just not enough?? people cant just enjoy one video game???

fire emblem games are long and have a Lot of stuff in them. im personally very slow at playing games so i can take a month or so to beat a game, and a lot of others do too! life has a lot of stuff to do, games to many are more of a distraction or fun hobby

and that takes me back to my point. expecting someone to literally just grind and clear through a whole checklist of Really Long SRPGS is like. dumb! honestly!

like. you have somehow taken the fun act of "playing a video game" and turned it into literal work. why would you do that.

like most of the people that made three houses so well selling are just... grown ups who have a nintendo switch and wanted a fun fantasy story driven rpg. why do they have to bend over backwards and spend all their money to play like 10 other video games to appease some angry person on the internet trying to convince themself that 3h is bad

idk, i think its dumb and im disappointed in the fire emblem fanbase that hating three houses has become a trend. i think we should appreciate that our series is able to soar to such heights and that we are bound to get a lot more fire emblem in the future. i love the series and want whats best for it so this makes me so happy

oh and also, yknow, three houses is literally fantastic. like one of the best games on switch and one of my all time favorite games. i mean i like awakening more but i dont really care if someone hasnt played awakening. live your life have fun its not that deep yknow??

also. come on. we have like, the concerningly angry fanbase of a certain nintendo fighting game that is mad nintendo put nintendo characters in the game (but fine with a disney character and like 20 square enix characters) breathing down our neck constantly. we already got enough drama why do we have to fight amidst ourselves????????

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #fe3h

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taeyungie · 7 months

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😺

#i haven't addressed yoongi's situation yet because i'm honestly still not hit by it i guess. like it didnt gwt to me yet #i dont think ill ever love anyone the same as i love him you know what i mean #he has been the first reason of my self development. like he literally raised me??? i learned from him how to be the person i am today #and its like im saying goodbye to a family member. the thing is i have never griefed anyone's absence like this #its like a part of my soul will be missing until he comes back #but at the same time i know what he would want for me. to move on and to become my own reason #he would want me to be kind to myself. to focus on myself and not miss him that much.#he would want that for all of us right #but i have a very hard time processing things. do you guys remeber the festa last year? when we found out theyll be going on hiatus #the reality of it snd the fact that it will be happening hit me onky after around 3 months.#thats when i first cried because i realized what it meant. ofc i knew but it didnt occur to the emotional part of my brain at that time #and i feel like im truly gonna fall apart when THIS hits me in 3 months lol #my life has never been worse and thats honestly the time when i need the reassurance the most #when i need the people i love and find comfort in the most.#but its just me and thats technically just my problem. but since i am talking about my view on this then thats okay i guess hahah anyway #i just hope he knows there are milions of ppl who love him as much as i do. and thats like extra love like forever & beyond type of shit #i honestly dont think other people ever truly fully understand how we feel towards them. especially when you really love somebody #because they have their own opinions about themselves. they debate whether they deserve some kind of treatment or not. we all do that right #and i just know he does that too. i just reslly want him to feel completely loved and cherished and appreciated.#i want him to see himself through our eyes. to surround himself with people who see him exactly the way we do.#to fall in love with somebody who will see him like we see him #nobody deserves better life than this man. and i hope that after our reunion he will live that life to the fullest 💓 i can't wait to see it #anyway. if somebody needs to talk about it or wants to get sadness out of your system - im here 💓#please keep your heads up and lets wait for him 💓#we have esch other and we will be okay 💓#sorry for typos i can barely see its 1am 🤓

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strangleetomz · 7 months

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sometimes i wish people could properly understand why i apologize for falling asleep before or during a conversation

#‘its okay’ no it isnt #its not okay #because if i fell asleep before talking to you that means i missed out on talking to you #and now ive talked to you less than i want to #and i barely get to talk to you as is #so ‘its okay theres next time / right now’ yeah but i missed THAT TIME #and then what if they end up not replying until the day later?#i have to go so long without talking to one of my favorite people #and then that ruins my whole mood because its that theyre one of the few people who actually keep me happy #and are the reason im still getting through this shit #so what am i supposed to do going what would be practically 2 days without talking to that person??#its not their fault #it isnt mine but it feels like its mine #because i know i couldve stayed up #if i would if sat up instead of laying down #took the blankets off so i wasnt warm and comfortable #i’d be freezing and uncomfortable so i wouldnt be able to fall asleep #and i know that #but i stayed comfortable anyway #so that makes it my fault

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perilegs · 8 months

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not an astarion defender in the traditional sense, but in the sense that the whims he gets approval from are funny. i would also approve of someone throwing shit at people who asked them to smear their face with said shit

#it's funny to be a menace in a video game and im not going to pretend its not #killing a clown IS funny #his 'whim approvals' are so funny #leevi liveblogs #on another note ive seen people be like ''astarions traumatized so he acts like that :(' or 'despite all that he could still be an asshole #both true but i feel like both are reductive #when it comes to his more cruel approval it's clear he acts the way he does due to his past. (i know thats like a duh no shit we all do tha #) but i mean like. if you look at all the trauma he's gone through and think about how it has affected him as a person #it makes sense for him to be selfish and maybe even cruel #and there are reasons he acts the way he does. but it doesn't mean he's done nothing wrong ever. it means he's an asshole who has reasons #to act like an asshole.#no ones past is an excuse for the way they're acting. yes it's a reason. but just because you went through unimaginable horrors doesnt mean #that everyone should ignore how you act toward others. he can still be held accountable while understanding where he's coming from #but i also don't like people ignoring his past experiences and seeing him as just a selfish asshole who is and has always been #and will always be an asshole just for funsies #does that make sense #also sometimes people read too much into what was meant as a funny little option #like. you know how some games have a serious main story and the most batshit silly side quests and no ones holding the side quests as the #absolute truth of it all #does anyone know what im talking about #idk talking in the tags with the character limit is a pain in the ass i have a lot more to say

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meatheadmutt · 3 days

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why am i having to hold a gun to googles head to show me articles on the long term effects of hormonal birth control on the endocrine system in adult patients who began usage as a teenager

#barks #i just wanna know if having a hormonal iud as a teenager fucked with my shit or not #causeeeeee i switched to copper a few years ago and everything was gucci in the coochie until a bad summer hit #lo and behold i call the gyno and she puts me on nuvaring because my symptoms were a sign of hormonal imbalance #meaning i got my ass fucked up from the first iud. right?#fuck if i know i wish they didnt make it my responsibility and then not actually give a shit as to what really happens #the absolute hell you can go through both on and off of birth control is out fucking rageous #'cool my cramps arent as bad but im a raging bitch i want to rob a bank and i want to kill everyone and then myself'#can you please for more than five fucking seconds think about the actual effects these things have on us that arent 'harder to get pregnant #also never listen to anyone that tells you you cant get your tubes tied and still be able to have children down the line #they always wanna bitch and moan about it but its literally reversible just like a vasectomy. not as easy but still possible!#do we get mad at and blame the kitchen counter when a baby smacks their head against it? no. the baby is at fault #tell me why something i have no control over is the reason i have to bear the cross #instead of the dipshit baby that cause the issue in the first place being at fault?????????????????????#im going to burn this world down i swear to god i hate it more every day #the beauty is evident but the horrors persist #hi if you read all of this

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valentinesparda · 14 days

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me doing the marriage thing with noah is very funny because the only reason I got here is that I slowly crawled my way through the stages of feelings that I go through which is typically making fun of them -> saying I like them and playing around with the idea of shipping with them but doing so in a self-deprecating way e.g. I'm not worthy of being happy so I'll dance around the subject -> waiting a year or longer to finally feel comfortable with saying I like them and that my feelings are valid -> rearrange ship lore to be more self indulgent and sometimes the very last step is to marry them so congrats noah you've gone up in the world (become fake husband)

#i just go through the five stages of grief with selfshipping LEGITIMATELY.#so now im like. going back into effies lore and figuring out where their relationship sits with vayne #which will be elaborated on in a bit (probably tomorrow morning) because no matter what if noah and effie are secretly wed or publicly wed #vayne will be soooo fucking seethy and still 'pining' after effie #but now its a matter of how long did noah and effie know eachother before they decide to elope. how long have they been wed.#need the details #bc it took vergil and gabriel like almost 30 years to tie the knot and aubrey and tommy was like 8.#so. you know. ill think about this tomorrow and maybe between brainstorming stickers ill write a little fic #i really do genuinely think that drace would love noah as her brother in law. they seem to be close in the game #i mean close enough to ship them together. i dont for obvious reasons but some people do and thats okay #bumping up effies age to 30 since im almost 30 and it makes the age gap between noah and effie not as weird (noah is 36)#im just. wehh.#next ill say caius and rowan are married for real just watch. maybe. idk. i think it would be funny if they did marry #like before ro gets hit with the crystal beam and in the early days of caius being yeul's guardian #so like TECHNICALLY even through space and time because its just ro being reincarnated or broken out of crystal #theyre still married in the eyes of the lord (etro) and caius fumes about it but ro forgets #THIS ISNT ABOUT THEM THOUGH FORGET YOU SAW ANYTJING #val.txt #otp: to be alone

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gibbearish · 2 months

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eternal fight between wanting to correct a misconception abt cats but also knowing that it was just a silly joke and i shouldnt take it so seriously but also something being a joke doesnt mean you shouldnt still point things out but also i have no expertise beyond just "i have multiple cats and spend way too much time watching them and thinking about the way they interact w each other and what that means about how their brains work" which means i would just be talking out of my ass anyways because i have no way of telling if my interpretations are right or if im anthropomorphizing them

#origibberish #anyways. your cat isnt trying to steal your food #he doesnt understand 'your' food vs 'my' food he just understands 'food'#and sees you as another cat and when cats are eating and another cat wants some they just. walk up and partake #so if youre having issues with that you gotta start using cat language to tell them to back off #like growling/hissing at your cat is allowed they do it at each other all the time for a reason #actually slight correction they do understand 'my' food but only in terms of 'i caught this so it is my trophy'#food thats just Around is communal #so think like a cat and say no this is MY kill in cat words #i killed this sandwich and IM going to eat it #like theres a part of me thats like 'no you cant hiss at your cat thats mean!' but thats looking at it through human eyes #we see hissing as mean because its The Mad Sound and mad is Bad and Angry and Personal #but for cats mad is different #theres no values or anything behind it‚ mad just means 'stop what youre doing or ill hit you'#and like you know actually hitting your cat would be shitty and abusive and that threatening smth like that to a child would be equally #and abusive so in ur brain ur like 'i cant threaten him in cat speak'#but like its not a threat for them!! its just a warning so that they know the other cat Doesnt Like What Theyre Doing!!!#thats how they establish boundaries!!! so not only are you allowed to use it i would even say trying to actually bring yourself to your #cats level in terms of communication is probably like. better?#but i mean again. this is all based entirely off of half remembered cat facts books from childhood and spending way too long #watching the endless drama between my children #so. take literally all of that with a grain of salt #actually scratch that ive decided i am an expert now. universities i am willing to be a professor of cat psychology

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thebleedingeffect · 4 months

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Damn I sorta feel bad about this fact but like, I just gotta be honest with myself and admit that I just do not like my step-brother, which is kinda sad to me. There used to be potential for something there once upon a time, but he's just gotten so nasty, demanding, and rude, as well as some other stuff, that I just find myself not really caring anymore. I don't know, it's just sad cause I remember caring not even a couple of years ago, but now I just... don't. Ah whatever, I grew up my entire life as an only child so I know I won't be losing anything, it's just sad seeing how he's gotten

#he's only 17 and I know that teenage years are extremely hard. moreso for him for other reasons #but I just don't think that's a reason to be super mean :( like I understand you're going through a bunch #but that doesnt mean I just have to deal with you being mean!#there's only a 5 year difference between us but he constantly brings up that I should be self reliant. out of the house. totally independent #ignoring the whole fucking economy and the fact that I dont want to leave my mom! and we help each other financially!#like I'm sorry you kinda burned your bridges. doesnt mean I have to burn mine.#and I know he looks down on me cause I had a much later start into adulthood due to several reasons #I dont care what his arbitrary views are towards adulthood and when someone 'should' be independent #because rly? he's just wrong and ignoring the VAST list of why people need help or choose to have help #whatever. there's less than a year until he's 18. and its been like this for a couple years now #its just. uugggghhhhhh whatever whatever im cool im sexy .

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vulturereyy · 1 year

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THEY'RE DOING FUCKING WHAT FOR A CROWN OF CANDY????

#literally pissing and shitting myself rn #yall dont even know ive never said on here but d20 aCoC is literally like #the entire reason i started being more confident in my D&D games and i actually started trying character voices #like you can see a notable shift in our session recordings from when i started watching it #i mean u cant bc i dont post them lmfao #but there is a very clear line #is my voice for sorbet 'good' ??? not really but you know what i got over my fears bc of d20 #literally my favorite d&d thing i have ever watched and one of the only ones ive ever been able to get through all the way #like i was HOOKED #i'm going to lose it #i hope its just as good #but also worried because what draws me to d20 vs cr is the vibes the group brings and how it's very very good but not . 'cinematic'?#that may be the wrong word #i also havent watched cr since like season 2 besides clips so i admit i may be wrong dont come for me #but i am really looking forward to this amethar was my favorite #crying screaming frowing up #im going to be so normal about this #a crown of candy #dimension 20

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arcaneyouth · 10 months

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god i fucking hope this rover thing pays off.

#vent post #negative #i need money so bad its killing me #i have taken out a couple hundred from my savings. because i never know if i have enough money for something (i dont. ever.)#so. goodbye to my moving out funds. if rover doesnt pay off im. so. fucked.#would be easier if i could just get a fucking job wouldnt it!!! but its been like 2 years and still i have not had anyone just #walk me through the process of how that works #they just tell me 'you just apply online' and dont explain what that means and dont show me how to do it #they dont tell me how to do an interview they just assume i know how this works and i dont and i keep trying to make that clear and no one #fucking helps me #i only last week learned youre supposed to ask the interviewer questions and that you can do interviews at like. coffee shops #i have 0 fucking job experience and it is Killing Me!!!!!!!!!#i hate money!!!! i hate trying to get money in this world that wasnt built for me!!!!!! my fucking anxiety and my autism hates this!!!!!!!#not to mention im still terrified of leaving the house which is only fixed by leaving the house but i have no reason to leave the house #so i dont and i stay scared and i dont think about jobs i cant do at home and thats even worse for reasons i cant explain #i still dont know how taxes work and when thats going to be a thing i have to get a crash course on #and while im fucking trying and failing over and over to just take the first steps i have to spend money to live #money i dont fucking have #money i. do have. but thats money ive been saving since i was a kid so i could have a good start for moving out #and ive transferred 1000 of it to my card in the last few months alone.#if i dont get some solid cash from rover im just. stuck again. stuck in this stupid loop ive been in for years #i started trying to move out at the end of 2020.#ive made no progress.#.....i guess ive made a little progress. i can drive now. thats. pretty important.#and i did download rover #and other than one dumbass thing my accounts pretty much ready to go #and itll get me out of the house more and I'll get used to that more and maybe just stepping outside wont be a nightmare anymore #uhg. lays face down on the floor.

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narutomaki · 9 months

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I always get self conscious when people talk about the amount of thought the goes/went into their art because there is.

there is no upper processing happening when I'm designing a character or background. my hand starts moving and my brain shuts off. I recognize there was probably a point in my life where this WASN'T the case but. like. it's why my art is like. mostly flat and lifeless. my art is never intended to tell a story because when I intend to I get angry/frustrated to the point of wanting to break shit because it's not going right. and I've tried to tell stories with my art both comics and stand alone pieces and it all feels fake or flat or.

idk.

I've TRIED to start and finish a piece where I've made conscious choices beyond "does this look good/right" and "am I being offensive in ways I'm aware of with anything here" but it just. makes me want to scream.

I learned people told stories with their art and I tried to and I stopped drawing for 5 years despite having. before that point been doing art studies for 8 to 10 hours a day for. 2 years.

I mostly just think it's because I have nothing to. say.

I can't add anymore tags to this post??? homophobia.

any way this post is useless idk I'm just sad because people do this thing so easily and enjoy it when it makes me break down crying. I don't get it. every person I've known regardless of neurodivergency has been able to do this consciously to some degree and enjoy it and meanwhile my stupid ass is asked how/why i chose something and I just. shrug. idk

looked nice?

#idk i probably say a lot UNintentionally #but like.#idk i feel like im just being. like. whining. for no reason. like boo hoo no one cares grow up if art makes you thay mad just stop drawing #like. man i WANT to think i WANT to tell stories i intend to tell along with the things i dont pick up on but.#i also mean like. if someone looked at a piece they could pick it apart comprehensively. like #but its like. idk. im like. i think im just to stupid for it.#im the same way with media analysis to be fair. which isnt like great but like.#why did someone choose this lighting? i dont know they thought it looked good ?#i have gotten 90-100% on every single analysis and opinion piece i ever submitted in HS for English #the only time i DIDNT get over 89% on an opinipn piece is when i tried to articulate my actual feelings on a topic to go along w researc #THAT got me pulled aside and told what i had written about was inappropriate and that i should think twice #before submitting a paper with that kond of content in the future #ao i did :^) and went back to bullshitting every single thing!#the curtains were blue in this scene to indicate not sadness but instead her deep love for uhhh fuck. flips through reading material and #lands on a random page. her dog buddy who is depcited in chapter (x) seeing as buddy is usually a male dogs name we can extrapolate and say #she chose these curtain colours after his death to remind her of the dog she had lost ÷#end sentence end oaragraph submit paper withoit a secondary proof reading and lie and say i left the roigh draft at home. walk away #how did i get high grades. dude. like everyone says teachers know when a kids bullshitting but like #the teachers ATE MY SHIT UP 😑 i got used as an example of comprehensive stucture and analysis on more than one occasion #this is not me bragging this is me saying i never actually learned how to domthis stuff because i was supported in faking it #some people can do analysis like yhis on their first read through like. and remember it. how? how??? what???#whay do you mean its because you read mote than thee sparknotes and random chapters because the book didnt interest you.#'we know when you dont actually read the book?' why did you compliment me on my comprehensive opinons of the parts i didnt readm #'We know when you write it the night before?' why did you laude me as an example of dedication put into an essay when i fucked around every #single in class wotk session past the first one and frantically typed and printed that in the computer lab before class 20 minutes ago?#why!! like DUDE #its like when they say they can tell when you use wikipedia to soirce things and then lie about it #and then compliment ur sources when youbl just used wikipedias sources. witout reading them urself.#which i also did #and when they tell you not to just use google translate because they can tell. when i did and then edited a LITTLE to catch names.

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raspberryjellybrains · 1 year

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I've been thinking a lot lately about Delirium and the way she speaks. She talks around a concept, never hitting it head on but glancing off through a series of metaphors and related concepts that explain things far better than wording them straight might. It's very relatable, and I think that's why I like her; that's how I think.

To me, the world isn't composed of precisely defined concepts but a series of interconnected existences which can all, ultimately, be related to each other. I also experience things in the incredibly specific manner Delirium seems to. I have sensitivities largely untethered from aversions, meaning that while I don't often find things deeply unpleasant or intolerable, I still experience them with an unusual specificity which often defies concise explanation. The best way I can convey certain feelings or experiences is through other feelings, experiences, and concepts to weave together a series of approximations that through their similar and dissimilar traits narrow down to what I'm trying to describe. Delirium does this too, and it's treated as a part of her that's no better or worse than any other. There are those that don't understand and those that do, and those that at least try to are awarded for their efforts because finally and most importantly, she genuinely has something to say. Her speech patterns are deceptively rambling because she takes a long time to say what she means to say, while simultaneously saying exactly it.

Delirium is neurodivergent coded in such a cathartic way because of this. I feel her frustration and joy because I know what it's like to be the person trying to explain something that has no words to assign, asking all of the time if there's a word for what she's feeling as a rhetorical and genuine question so that she can explain something without explaining it and call into question why we feel everything must be precisely laid in the place of as few words as possible. She is incredibly intelligent, but loses track of all of what's happening in a far more obvious way than most because there's just so much to keep track of, which is also very relatable as a neurodivergent person. Without putting labels on the experience, she perfectly captures it. I just... I like Delirium quite a lot, and think she'd be very good at post-modern literature.

#i hope to god this comprehensible #im trying so hard to get this shit in a line exactly becaude of why i like her #theres jusy SO MUCH to say its very hard to keep it straight and many more things to focus on beyond it #i love that delirium is treated by the narrative as an intelligent and wise being that just conveys that in an unconventional way #shes like my mirror metaphor. no mirror can light upon the minutae without shattering and no shattered mirror can see the bigger picture.#shes shattered but knows from when she was whole what the full picture looks like but she gets lost in all of the fragments #which gives her an incredibly unique and valuable perspective #at a surface level it seems as if she's an offensive depiction of mental illness but once you go deeper you realize shes not for the very-#reason she at first seemed to be. she embodies what is looked down upon but its told through side comments and events that theres more to-#her than the seeming irrationality.#she picks up and puts things down as she remembers them but that doesnt mean any one thing is any less valuable than any other #the ephemeral quality of her attentions dont diminish their value.#i have a lot of thoughts about her i just. am very fond.#and the way she and dream truly demonstrate the dichotomy of mental illness and neurodivergence makes me froth at the mouth.#he knows what shes saying most of the time and knows where shes at whether he admits it to himself or not because shes just externalizing-#what exists solely internally for him. hes better at masking and that is their difference which makes Such a statement oh my god when you-#think about how each are treated and understood.#it took me like. two weeks to organize these thoughts btw. they float in little brain clouds <3 #i need to watch everything everywhere all at once #anyway #delirium of the endless #the sandman meta #the sandman #raspberry rambles

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elegyofthemoon · 11 months

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In the cool, plush core of the moon sleeps a mouse as we speak, dreaming of a world lush and green, then golden and undulating, then chopping and churning, a world of many surfaces with skies of many moods.

When it awakes, it will poke its tiny head out of a crater and bask in your glow as it does every morning. Here, all is still and silent. On that sparkling planet in the deep black distance, the sun seems capricious. But the mouse lives in the abyss of the body and therefore with a unique perspective on its essence. The mouse sees what other life does not see.

One needn't worry about unbecoming for the sake of containing a sun. Clouds may blanket the atmosphere of a planet, but still there burns a sun. The spots on the sun's surface may grow and shrink and shift, but still there it burns. And if one decides to cool it down like a waning flame or expand it in a cataclysmic supernova, still there it burns, and one has the right to revoke the state of their existence and become new.

Because perhaps the truth is you are not the sun--not alone--but it is rather a part of you. Your body is the solar system, each planet a world within the body, and each knows this glow in different ways. Some are nurtured by its warmth, others by its distance. Regardless of the sun's changes, they stay the course encircling it.

The universe cannot be held back, harnessed, fully comprehended. It pulls at the seams of solar systems as it pulls on its own seams. In that unstoppable shifting, we stumble. Sometimes it feels like our love and light slips from our fingers, shattering irrevocably in our falls. But what makes us cannot be seperated from us, even in times where our essence is obscured.

There is always another life to appreciate your life, no matter what happens. And in the least, there is always a little mouse in you that understands you in telescopic clarity and offers forgiveness for every change--no matter what, right into the end of time.

❤

#answered #this was sitting in my inbox for a little while #and i wanted to answer properly but i fear that responding back is a little...hard #not that i dont want to its more like this was so prettily written and just so beautiful i fear if i responded id just ruin it lol #so im responding in the tags bc i feel better about doing that #i appreciate whoever decided to write all this up and leave it here for me it means a lot #more vent in the tag #not really vent but ig just reflective i suppose with the last week:#i think i may have actually talked about it before but you have no idea how happy i am with just. the people im surrounded with these days #because even if im going through something ill always push my feelings down in order to make someone else happy #because idc what happens to me overall. if i can make someone else happy thats all that matters #but ik a lot of people take advantage of it so when something bad happens when im unable to help someone they used to get mad at me for it #so more reasons to kinda push my feelings aside to cater to them etc etc etc #but i think the past week has been nice too in realizing that the people around me are patient and just overall kind -- not really expectin #much of me #ig theres this understanding that we all have busy lives now and maybe thats just the gift of maturity as a whole #even if im not the super positive or comforting presence people put me as at least people still care and thats how i know im loved at least #ig in a way this ramble is just a very big thank you to everyone for that #theres a lot of kindness and warmth in this ask that i appreciate and only want to spin back to friends. i hope they can feel it #or that it reaches them #anons #kind messages

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