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thedelusionreaderbitch · 3 years

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Inej Ghafa x fem! insecure! Reader - Arms Of A Saint

A/n: I know this came out of no where but... Here it is! I promise that dancing eyes part 2 is coming out soon I just had an idea and I couldn't get it off my mind. Plus! Cause I just watched Cruella recently I will be making a Kaz Brekker fic based off of that ish!

Warnings: Body dysphoria, the reader thinks she's ugly, blood, guns, mentions of wounds, YOUR ALL BEAUTIFUL REMEMBER THAT!!! I think that's it? You have been warned!

Summary: You get the Wraith hurt, and your insecurities get the best of you

(image not mine)

You sighed and rested your forehead against the cool glass of the window. You considered bashing your head in too, maybe this feeling would go away then.

Tears started to build up in your e/c eyes and you couldn't stop them from falling down your face. Of course, you were crying - not being good enough fucking sucked.

Brushing your tears away angrily, you stomp over to your dresser. Why couldn't you just be good at your job? It would make everything so much easier if you could just be as good as the others. At least then you would be competent at something and your looks might not have mattered that much then.

You bring out a small bag and start shoving some clothes in the sac. More tears start to drip out of your eyes and you can't seem to stop them as you pack up everything (which is very little).

Stop being weak Y/n.

You hurry and run out the door with your bag in your hands. Your lucky it's a Sunday because most of the dregs would be out at the bar or on a job. You almost start running down the stairs but the window seems like the better option. And the Wraith wouldn't be out tonight.

That was completely your fault too.

Starting to climb out of the window and you land on the ground with a thump. You groan in pain, great you probably bruised your bone. Fucking fantastic.

You double-check you have everything and that your katanas are on your back. Tracking your path back towards the harbour where your boat would be there always waiting for you.

It always knew you were going to run back to it. You always did, in the end.

You were blind, naive even. You've always been running your entire life, running from your abusive parents. Running from sick men, running from your insecurities. You were good at it too, Inej may have been good a disappearing in plain sight but you could travel across the world and no one would be able to find you again even if they had the exact coordinates to where you were.

Inej, oh Inej.

Leaving your friends was going to be hard, but leaving Inej? You almost wept at the idea. She was your moonlight, yet she was your sunrise. Your moonrise, your little nickname for her.

She was always so amazing but you never envied her, no. You embraced her and all that she was, her bad parts and her good parts, Inej Ghafa was a saint if you ever saw one.

And the fact that you love her may also be another reason.

You run down the harbour trying to reach your boat before anyone would catch you. Although you did have a seeking suspicion that they would be secretly glad you left. No one screws up as many times as you do, and this was just the breaking point because you screwed up big time.

You had nearly gotten the Wraith killed.

You were with the Crows on a simple job, get inside the house that had ten security guards and kill the sleeping man and get out. Simple. Really you wondered why Kaz even needed the crows for this one.

Then how did it go so wrong?

You were all running, they knew you were going to be there but they didn't even double their guards. No, they thought someone was going to be there, singular. Nevertheless, they still knew. So you kill the sleeping man, you all are running but as it turns out what they told you was true. As soon as you would kill that dense man they would (try) and kill the Wraith.

They almost did.

Two bullets landed in her chest, it's a miracle she survived really. Plus that was three days ago and no one would talk to you, you had realized then that you had to leave. What were you worth if they couldn't trust you? You remembered the harsh words they had said, and you don't blame them Inej is their best friend. That didn't mean it hurt any less.

"What will happen the next time? And the time after that? You are suspended for a few weeks, we just can't trust you to do the rational thing as of right now."

Ouch.

"Y/n?"

You whip your head around and you go to reach for the katanas on your back but then your eyes land on Inej.

Your hands fall from your back and you can't meet her eyes. How could you? Not while you were going to leave to the only person who could even come close to a living saint. Fuck Alina Starkov no one could ever beat Inej Ghafa. But that's not why you love Inej Ghafa and there would never be one reason, but hundreds that you could list off for all of eternity if you wanted to.

Unfortunately, you didn't have that type of time, did you?

"What are you doing?"

Your eyes finally meet her and your breath catches inside your throat. The moonlight shines on her skin making her look like she's glowing and it accentuates her eyes making them look like they're dancing moons.

Like you yell to the world every night, a living saint.

Quickly you look down again not wanting to have to see her face when you break it to her.

"Leaving." It's one word with two syllables but it still makes tears come to your eyes. Or maybe it's just the person you telling it to. But you force the tears down but you don't even bother with the neutral 'I don't care' face. Your not Kaz Brekker and Inej would see right through that. Maybe that's why you always liked her, she could understand you.

To a point obviously.

"That's all? You're leaving and that's all your going to say to me! Leaving!"

You throw your hands up in the air. "Well, I can't stay here! Not in Ketterdam! I almost got you killed. You don't come back from that! I just can't bear the thought that-" You cut yourself off not being physically able to finish the sentence. How could you not though? You had to make her understand why.

"That maybe next time you would be gone, and it would be because of me."

Shock adorns her face. "You see why now? I can't stay! Everyone is already mad at me as it is! I just am tired of not being enough and getting people killed."

You take a deep breath trying to steady your breathing. "And I would be damned if you got caught up in my web of screw-ups, you don't need that." You shake your head to put emphasis on your words. "It would only get you killed and the world needs Inej Ghafa."

"By the saints Y/n! What the fuck are you talking about!"

Jumping startled at her outburst you realize then she might not just let you go like you were hoping for.

Well... Shit.

Honestly, this was not part of the plan.

"Of course you're enough for our little group of friends! Your a valuable team member who can slice people in half, and no one has the same knowledge of ancient to new languages as you! You blend in so well in a crowd it's scary! But we don't just keep you around because your good for jobs you brighten everyone's day by taking time for all of us, we need you!" Inej sighs and takes a step forward. She takes her hands into mine.

"I need you."

You breathe out a stuttering breath as she says the words. I need you. Although the words brought fields of hope into your heart, the doubt was still in the back of your mind, why would she need you? And for sure the Crows didn't want or definitely need you! But Inej wouldn't lie!

"I think-" You take in a breath and look straight into her eyes. Her eyes are the night sky. They're brown almost black but they have flickers of light like the stars in the Zemni farms. It hits you with full force and you nearly stumble over. You force yourself to look and pull away from her arms and those beautiful eyes.

"I don't think you get it Inej."

"Then explain it to me."

You close your eyes. How could you explain it to her? That every moment you look in the mirror and you feel disgusted with yourself. That you feel like your skills could never match with the ones of your friends?

"I'm just not enough, okay! I look at myself and I see these tiny flaws and they slowly just get bigger, and bigger. And every time I attempt to make them go away it just gets worse!"

You let out a choked-on-sob laugh. "And then my useless skills! Don't even get me started on that! Maybe looks don't matter that much, and I can suffice without looking even a bit fucking pretty but my 'talents' made up for that! But I look around at everyone else and I just can't seem to see why anyone ever keeps me around!"

Tears finally fall from your eyes as you sob and your knees wobble and they go to give out, but Inej catches you.

"I wouldn't lie Y/n, you are my everything."

The words were simple, yet they held so much weight of what they actually meant.

"You will always be enough for me."

And the Saint takes you into her arms.

Words 1605

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Shadow and bone taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien

(I do not own six of crows or shadow and bone!)

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arseniccattails · 3 years

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so. about ‘true form starscream’

I know a lot of people really don’t like it, and I do see why. I'm not exactly MScott's #1 fan, and the trans/race metaphor blender thing might be weird for someone, if they're unable to buy into the whole "speculative fiction" thing. despite this, I can't help but find Your First Mistake to be kind of compelling and I'd like to explore why and my thoughts on the matter under the cut.

most of the criticism levied at this and subsequent issues is that seeing what he would look like if he was forged pushed starscream farther into ethical behavior—and doesn’t that prove that anti cold constructed sentiment is right and at least somewhat based in truth? eh, I don’t think so. because even if that frame is what his spark would have made if it could shape a protoform itself, although I’m not convinced it is, it’s still not what he would look like if he was forged.

if you pulled a reverse Megatron on Starscream, if you plucked his spark out of a factory and planted it in a hotspot, that’s still not a ‘natural’ spark. he would still have been affected by the killswitch. do you know what changes? he doesn’t have dysphoria. he isn’t discriminated against, because people wouldn’t know. that’s it. that’s not a body that’s shaped by 'Primus' (unless you count the spark coming from the Matrix.) it’s just him. there is no ‘forged Starscream’, unless Cybertron in some offshoot timeline managed to muster up an identical spark.

and why do people assume that’s what he would have looked like in that scenario, anyways? the ‘true form’ is a body reflecting Starscream’s spark after countless years of war, after knowing so many different people—never touched by 'Primus', but apparently touched by Wheeljack, Bumblebee, Skyfire, Soundwave, Ravage. (metaphorically. probably.) it’s probably at least a little different than the above scenario, where his spark was only touched, truly touched, by himself and the matrix. it’s in the image of who he is now. don’t you think, in a species with mods and frame changes, that even forged bots who mostly like their bodies might change some things along the way? that during their long, long lives, their sparks, their very selves, are touched so deeply that they might want to alter parts to make themselves more at home? I think they probably do.

Windblade isn’t making anything by adding, she’s making something new by subtracting. she says, “is that what you were truly seeking, Starscream? escape from a foreign skin? the belonging you thought was lost forever?

“did you forget it was here all along?”

see, like I said, Windblade isn’t somehow channeling the power of Primus to transform Starscream into what he would be like if made by him. she’s just helping him molt.

so, why is it that he’s able to ‘molt’ whatever’s been holding him down? why is he able to realize the body that’s apparently been touched by all these people only now? he designed his recent frames, right? Windblade said he always had this belonging, buried. what buried it? why couldn’t he visualize the right one?

I think it’s because the ‘slag’ that fell away is the lie, the really big lie, that Starscream had been telling himself for a long time—his isolation. apparently his previous attempts at interpersonal connection had been cut off by Megatron, who literally ‘beat it into him’ that he had nobody, or maybe he felt like he couldn’t trust anybody because nobody stood up for him when he was being mistreated, and even if objectively that’s reasonable (I mean god look at Megatron) it still had to sting. either way, no matter how it felt or feels, Starscream has never really been alone. you’d think that Megatron would be among the ghosts, right? literally Elita One is there. Optimus Prime. Shockwave. it’s ‘every ally’ but also ‘every enemy’. except Starscream never doubted that Megtaron affected him, did he? what allowed Starscream to take his truest form when he never could before was Windblade showing him that he’d been touched by so many others, loved and hated both. Starscream had been viewing himself through the lens of a single relationship, and an awful one at that, that he backed his own self image into a dark, miserable corner. when Windblade took away this lie, he could visualize himself in a way that accurately reflected his spark, changed by so many other people as it was.

Starscream becomes a better person because a) he was already heading that way and b) he was, with help, finally able to pull himself out of an awful, stifling self image narrative intentionally or unintentionally instilled by a violent abuser. I think it's just part of his path to healing. I think it's sweet.

it’s not what he would have looked like if he were forged. it’s so much more than that, to me. and I’m, well, kind of enamored with that.

#transformers #analysis #character analysis #transformers analysis #starscream #idw #tf #i kind of liked this issue and i want to talk about why

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trans-advice · 3 years

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I recently realized i’m probably a trans guy and I’ve been having a really hard time battling internalized transphobia and wondering if i’m “trans enough” /feeling imposter syndrome about it. I need to tell my therapist about it because he’s the only person i trust with this rn but i’m terrible at owning up, especially considering i’ve been having some (trigger warning) suicidal thoughts. Do you have any advice for how to bring my gender identity up in our next session? Also, i just have to ask: does it get better?

firstly, "trans enough" comes from a transphobic discourse from a decade ago, that said only 1 in 30,000 people were trans, which is very wrong. it's a myth that still lingers among transphobes today when they are trying to count our numbers, but basically there are better ways to figure yourself out. https://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/TSprevalence.html

when you're talking about sociological identity you go by what works for your mind. gender euphoria indicates that you are closer/warmer to expressing your gender identity & gender dysphoria indicates that you are further/colder from expressing your gender identity. part of the reason a therapist is helpful is because they can help you figure out between intrusive thoughts & thoughts that you agree with & other nuances like that.

when you are transitioning you are seeking to improve the quality of your life. generally there are about 3 transitions that happen, & the pace will vary depending on what you have available: social transition, medical transition, legal transition.

your mileage will vary on whether "it gets better", but the point of transitioning is to make your life better, while having your consent & authenticity be respected, and self-respect counts for a lot here. you will be seeking to make yourself secure as opposed to insecure. therefore, while you will face new problems, the goal is to help yourself.

that being said, in the course of my lifetime it was illegal for trans minors to get HRT in my state until about 2013. So basically anyone younger than me has had a better quality of life regarding medical transition & social transition, which transphobic lawmakers in several states are attacking.

Point being, the activists & advocates for the LGBT+ community, for bodily autonomy rights, for anti-bullying, for refuting the "1 in 30,000" myth, for a feminist economy, their organized work, towards getting those oppressive systems changed, not just regarding HRT, but with gender marker corrections too (which in my state became legal in 2018 on the Appropriate Clinical Treatment standard instead of the Bottom Surgery standard),

The work of several groups of people over several decades is what makes things better & allows trans people to transition. I would recommend "transgender history" (2nd edition) by Susan Stryker because it goes into a lot of the activism history in USA over the 20th thru 21st centuries.

So it'll depend on what work (either for or against trans people) has already been done, and while you need to build yourself up first before you can help a lot of others, remember that your quality of life will depend on others & it'll help to work with others for collective improved quality of life. Also regarding your transition, you might need to deal with other areas of your life to help further your transition, such as perhaps your living situation, because it's harder to heal when the injury is ongoing. Don't take it for granted that things will get better, but you are not alone & you should seek out connections (which is technically part of social transition).

So what this means for your therapist is that you can either be like upfront so that you can spend the whole session going over it, or you can discuss these various other parts of your life that will be important for a transition. Here's an article about what sort of care/therapy/treatment your therapist should be giving you, basically they respect your pace & identification: https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/cultural-competency/education/transgender-and-gender-nonconforming-patients/gender-affirming-therapy

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

#tw suicidality #transition

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thetwinkoverlord · 2 years

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Oh wow, an actual original post from Corey? Imagine that. Prepare to be disappointed in the low quality content lmao.

Anyway I wanna talk about my experience as a gay trans guy…

I know for me it’s always been made out that a man being attracted to another man was demasculinizing? I mean I guess most of that is society fueling this stereotype of all gay guys being like, extremely effeminate idk. And maybe a lot of it is also homophobia, and internalized homophobia in my case. I just, anytime I thought of identifying as gay in the past I had this fear of not being taken seriously as a man because of it. There was this fear of people thinking I’m just some confused straight girl? Which, when I first realized I might be gay I was identifying as asexual so it was mainly a fear of being seen as “the woman” of any romantic relationship with another man.

I’ve recently realized I’m demisexual which has only complicated the struggle for me. Because now I think, it’s going to be so hard if I’m seeking out a sexual relationship to find a man who like, doesn’t view me as a woman but is also open to having sex with me? And then having people think of it as a straight interaction, whether that be my partner or anyone else, just doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t know, I think a lot of my fears concerning sex and relationships have stemmed from dysphoria and societal influence. Because it all goes back to “someone is going to think I’m a girl, someone’s going to think that because I have certain anatomy that this is a straight relationship when it’s not.”

I just, finally letting myself say “I’m gay” was so freeing for me after years of trying to suppress it, trying to convince myself I was interested in women, just honestly trying not to unpack it or think about it at all. Finally letting myself accept myself, y’know? I’d spent years joking I was gay without ever actually trying to unpack it, and then I did and sure, it probably won’t always be easy to find a relationship but it’s not scary like I thought it would be. I tell people I’m a gay man and they go “okay you’re a gay man.” Like, that’s it. I don’t get questioned any further than that. And maybe that’s because the only people who really know are my friends but like, I don’t know. I’m not afraid of being gay. Assholes are going to think I’m a girl no matter what, that’s just part of being a trans man. My sexuality has nothing to do with that but for a while I was so scared that it would. But I’ve accepted that transphobes are transphobes, no matter what gender I’m attracted to, so yeah. I’m gay. I’ve accepted it, but what other people think about it doesn’t really matter.

So yes there’s my pointless post lol

And yes I’m 1000% embarrassed to post this but I wrote it purely on a whim of “oh I should actually talk about this for once lol”

#trans ftm #trans mlm #mlm #ftm #random post

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atruththatyoudeny · 4 years

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Monthly Reads | July 2020

Happy 28th! As always, my undying love goes out to all the amazing authors this fandom still has. You are all incredible! Thank you for sharing your work with us ♥ Here are all the 21 fics I read and enjoyed this month:

⋙ The Murmur of Yearning | MediaWhore | historical - no smut - arranged marriage past rape/non-con - implied/referenced dubious consent - minor character death - slow burn - 93k Four years ago, Harry Styles was forced into a marriage of convenience to enrich and ally both his and his promised's families. The sudden, and slightly suspicious, death of the Marquess of Haxshire, however, brings great disturbance to Crescentfield Hall and, as his late's husband's closest male relative, Harry unexpectedly finds himself the head of a family he never felt he belonged to. Between a meddling distant cousin hellbent on inserting himself in Harry’s life, his wicked and mistrustful mother-in-law and his late husband’s advisors refusing to help or take him seriously, Harry struggles in the fight to keep what he’s earned and make the Estate finally feel like home. Luckily he doesn’t stand completely alone and finds himself an unlikely ally in Mr Tomlinson, the elusive Land Stewart who has been taking care of the property in the shadows for years. Louis Tomlinson is caring, patient, and unlike everyone else, he doesn’t seem to think Harry committed a murder.

⋙ Donor-Conceived | jaerie | a/b/o - omega/omega - friends to lovers - intersex omegas - pregnancy kink - unplanned pregnancy - fertility issues - miscarriage mentioned - male lactation - lactation kink - 31k When Harry receives the worst news of his life, it's now or never if he wants to carry a child of his own. Without an alpha, it's a daunting idea. But after it's a go, he finds another omega having a child from the same donor and become fast friends. It is only logical that they raise the boys as half brothers, making sure their sons keep up the relationship with the only connection to their anonymous father. It seems like the perfect plan but life doesn't always work out that way.

⋙ Just a touch of your love | anonymous | a/b/o - touch-starved - past abuse - past rape/non-con - miscommunication - anxiety attacks - 12k “What if something happened to you? What would I say to Niall?” “Nothing, he would have to wait to see my corpse on the news like everyone else.” Deadpanned Harry. Louis’ gasp was all the answer he got. Ok, so that might have been a bit too much. With a calmer voice, he said, “It’s really fine. I’ve walked to the tube countless times, I can handle myself. Just go home and tell Niall to stop mothering me.” Louis was finally walking by his side and gave him a sideways glance before talking. “He doesn’t know, does he? Of your, uh, condition.” Harry tensed and his breath became erratic, but he didn’t say a word. Louis continued. “His nose probably hasn’t picked it up, and you’re lucky Liam’s also a beta, but it took me a minute to confirm it. Your scent is gettin’ so…” He seemed to struggle to find a word. He didn’t finish the sentence, but the emotion in his voice made Harry’s tummy churn. -- Or, Harry is a touch starved omega trying to get through it on his own. Louis happens to be the only alpha around to realize it and offers to help.

⋙ We're Not Who We Used To Be | jaerie | trans female character - trans Harry - childhood friends - friends with benefits - transitioning - gender dysphoria - body disphoria gender identity - first time - self-medicating - reference to depression - 7k Louis comes back to his childhood home and sees an old friend who has changed quite a lot since the last time they saw each other.

⋙ Sincerely, Yours | anon | strangers to lovers - military - 25k Prompt:Historical AU where Louis is a soldier on his way to first deployment and Harry is working at a diner. They meet there when Louis is waiting for the bus, Harry tries to cheer Louis up and agrees to write to him while he's deployed because Louis doesn't have anyone else to write to. People kinda make fun of Harry for writing to (and falling for) a virtual stranger but otherwise everything is great until Louis stops writing. AKA travelin' soldier by the Dixie Chicks but gay and with a happy ending.

⋙ Ever Since I Tried Your Way | anon | historical - 1940s - 1950s - farm/ranch - internalized homophobia - hurt/comfort - emotional hurt/comfort - fluff - smut - gender exploration - body worship - 26k Harry had been kissed before, but never like this. He’d shared sweet, curious kisses behind bleachers and in soda shop booths, one or two more daring ones in cars parked on dark suburban streets, but the girls he’d kissed had never filled him with the desperation that erupted from Louis’ touch. He parted his lips and pulled him closer, as though he could breathe Louis straight into his lungs, as if he could swallow him. He wanted to consume Louis the way he consumed the body and blood of Christ. He wanted to place Louis on his tongue and feel him dissolve into a frothy mess of starch and saliva. He wanted to gulp him down until his teeth were stained purple and he was drunk on him. He wanted him in some violent holy way that made his hands shake where they were twisted in Louis’ shirt. In 1949 Harry left his bride at the altar, running away from the only life he'd known. When a kindhearted farmer offers him a ride in his truck and a place to sleep the two find themselves inexplicably drawn together. Isolated on Louis' farm with nobody but a field of dairy cows to intrude, the men are finally able to explore the parts of themselves they've spent their lives hiding away.

⋙ sleeping on our problems | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - college/university - mpreg - friends with benefits - angst - slow burn - hurt/comfort - 67k I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down. There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word. His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared. - Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

⋙ in a world alone | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - Swan Lake AU - historical - royalty - magic - curses - friends to lovers - slow burn - mpreg - 51k Harry’s breath catches as the glow grows bigger and bigger until he’s squinting his eyes and blinking at the sudden intense brightness. He closes his eyes, rubbing at them helplessly. When his eyes open again- he gasps, grip loosening on his bow as he gawks at the sight before him. Because the swan is gone. And in its place is the prettiest omega Harry has ever seen. - A Swan Lake AU

⋙ The Baby Whisperer | jacaranda_bloom | strangers to lovers - prior mpreg - neighbours - fluff - smut - kid fic - 19k Harry’s newborn baby is having trouble sleeping and nothing he does seems to work. Tired and alone and at his wits end, Harry is at a loss until a new neighbour arrives to turn his world upside down. OR the one where being neighbourly takes on a whole new meaning.

⋙ was in no hurry, had no worries | defencelouis | strangers to lovers - car accidents - smut - daddy kink - 21k The year is 1999 and Harry can’t stop dedicating songs to Louis on the radio. Or the one where Harry hits Louis with his car.

⋙ Strong Enough | jacaranda_bloom | enemies to lovers - exes to lovers - angst - smut - divorce - 21k “So…” Liam starts, and Louis instantly knows where this is going. He’s actually glad it’s Liam that's dragging the subject out from the shadows and into the light. Louis turns to face him, mirroring his position on the couch and nods, ready for him to continue. Liam takes a deep breath. “Have you spoken to Harry recently?” Five years after Vertigo goes on hiatus, the band comes back together for a benefit concert. Can Louis and Harry work through their complicated past, or are some wounds too deep to be healed?

⋙ What's It Gonna Be? | zeldasayre | high school - 37k Louis looked thoughtful for a moment. “When are you meeting with Clare again?” “Thursday,” Bebe said, looking over at him, the ice clinking in her glass as she stirred it with a long spoon. “Why?” He grinned, narrowing his eyes. He took a long, dramatic pause, sipping his lemonade, and then said, “Scheming.” aka I've watched Shura's "What's It Gonna Be?" music video one too many times. ((Or, Louis and Bebe, best friends since childhood, have crushes on two of the most popular kids in school, and in an attempt to increase their respective chances, Louis befriends Harry Styles, quarterback of the football team, while Bebe befriends Clare Uchima, head cheerleader. Only... the plan... doesn't go exactly as planned.))

⋙ There Goes My Life | anonymous | older larry - colleagues with benefits - mpreg - unplanned pregnancy - smut - lactation kink - 8k Metallic taste in the mouth, check. Aversions to favourite foods, check. Nausea without throwing up, check. A heightened sense of smell, check. Sore and sensitive nipples, check. It had felt as though Harry had been ticking off boxes from his own mental checklist and every new addition brought him closer to an existential crisis. Pregnant. Everything over the last few weeks began to make sense; thoughts he pushed from his mind because he was too busy, and to be honest too scared, to think about. Getting knocked up from a few-night’s-stand was something that happened to teenagers and/or uni students, but certainly not to a forty-year-old Member of Parliament such as himself. *** Or, the one where Harry is single, a Member of Parliament, gets knocked up and has to deal with navigating motherhood in his forties. And Louis? Well, his life is about to change forever as well. This is a tale about colleagues with benefits and the consequences that can come with that.

⋙ Mother I'd Like to * | anonymous | implied mpreg - MILF Harry - 4k “What’s up, dad?” Oliver asks Louis, standing in front of Harry in a way that hides his friends from the view. “Is there something wrong with your mom? Your friends are staring a lot.” Oliver goes beet red at that. He groans and hides his face on his hands. “Oh my god. Oh my god.” --------------------- Written for the prompt: Harry’s and Louis’ son is like 16, so he is hanging out with his friends and his friends are teasing him about how hot his mother (aka harry) is, just like the 1D boys always did with Harry about Anne. The son feels super uncomfortable and Louis is super confused why these little teenagers boys always stare at Harry’s body when he is cooking for them whenever they visit until he finds out they think of Harry as the hottest milf in town (more humor than actual sexual references pls, this is supposed to be more funny than awkwardly sexual :D)

⋙ An Invincible Summer | Brooklyn_Babylon | farm/ranch - historical - 1940s - period-typical homophobia - adoption - minor character death - epilepsy - homophobic language - smut - 44k Never content to stay in one place for long, a few months down south researching for his novel seemed like an idyllic, slow-paced summer to Louis. He wasn't ready for the blistering heat, the backbreaking work of watermelon picking, or how stifling the attitudes in rural Georgia would feel. And he definitely hadn’t anticipated falling in love with the farmer’s son. The summer of 1946 would turn out to be everything worth writing about.

⋙ a trail of honey through it all | faeriestyles | strangers to friends to lovers - mild violence - D/s undertones - 27k The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him. Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

⋙ The Recklessness in Water | LarryOn | light angst - smut - 50k Louis Tomlinson is miserable. He's stuck on a family vacation at a lake cabin in New Hampshire when all he wants to do is bemoan his sorry existence and wallow in his sweatpants. As if the humidity and mosquitos weren't bad enough, he becomes the singular target of an obnoxious lifeguard named Harry.

⋙ baby blue | soldouthaz | cowboy AU - famous/not famous - angst - hate to love - enemies to lovers - smut - hurt/comfort - minor violence - 39k Harry Styles takes his time coming out to greet them. Louis only knows what he’s seen on file and what he’s heard them talking about, but he fully lives up to the image he had inside of his head. He saunters down the front steps of the farmhouse in his Levi’s, brown snakeskin boots curving out from underneath the denim Louis’ sure he had specially made. He’s got on a plaid button-down tucked into the jeans because of course he does, curls spilling out from either side of his cowboy hat around his sunglasses and country-tan skin. “Harry Styles,” he drawls, extending a hand to Louis’ manager, “Pleased to meet ya’ll.”

⋙ with no way out and a long way down | we_are_the_same | royalty - soulmates - strangers to lovers - fluff - angst - no smut - emotional hurt/comfort arranged marriage - 31k Prince Harry is ten when he receives his soulmark.

⋙ adjudication | bottomlinsons | royalty - historical - enemies to friends to lovers - enemies to friends - love letters - betrayal - slow burn - light angst - arranged marriage - 75k Harry's been engaged to Princess Charlotte of Ryde for as long as he can remember. He's come to know her, to love her, through the letters she's sent him over the past three years. But when the wedding finally arrives, Harry quickly learns that nothing is as it seems. With his crown and country at stake, Harry must decide who to trust in this strange new land. And the sly Crown Prince of Ryde doesn't seem inclined to make things easy.

⋙ Something to Prove | trysomecats | a/b/o - enemies to lovers - mpreg - smut - 9k Louis is the first and only omega to work at Red Valley Medical Center. Despite being more than qualified, he still faces prejudice for his career choice everyday. From patients refusing his treatment to condescending alpha doctors intervening with his work, practicing medicine in Boston is more challenging than Louis had ever thought it would be.

#fic rec #28th appreciation #monthly reads #monthly fic rec #my reads #larry fics #completed fics

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we-want-mini-mini · 4 years

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Since I have no self restraint, I’m writing another prompt/one shot.

Essentially, normal girl Lia (or some OC) whose a big fan of DC comics and the like ends up in a weird inter dimensional accident and ends up in the DC universe (it can be a mix of canon because fuck canon, up to you).

But, where did Lia end up exactly? Fucking Gotham.

The moment she realizes this is decides: Nope. Nah. Nada. No sir-y. This is NOT happening. Fuck this. I might end dying, or, worse, BECOME A FUCKING MAIN CHARACTER IN THE BAT CLAN. NAH. HELL NO.

Lia decides that, no, she will not involve herself in the Bat Clan/Wayne’s at all. Nope. Nah. Too much drama. Too much angst. Too much fucking skin tight suits and my poor Pan heart can’t TAKE all the HOT, RIPPED hero’s like what the fuck.

Now, this can play out in a variety of ways:

Lia is, say, around the same age as one of the Batboys. It can be any of them, up to you. Now, she some how ends up in Gotham Acdemy and begrudgingly befriends them. Cue angst (especially if its Jason. Considering in canon, if Jason survives he becomes Red Robin thats all I know lmao). If Lia is friends with the second Robin, it’d bring up the deliemma of: does she tell him that he’s gonna fucking die and then come back to life. Oh and, she’s actually from an alternate world were everyone thats like a superhero/vigilante is a fictional character. Honestly, if done well, can definitely stir the feelings of the poor saps who read the moral deliemma of Lia. Now, who is Lia? Someone who doesn’t want to get involved. If she avoids Jason in the beginning, does she have doubts and wants to warn Batman of Jason impending death or not? Like, that sort of shit panic attack inducing. There’s a lot of things you guys can do to torture not only Lia, but also the readers who might be like: “TELL HIM! TELL HIMMMMM!!!” or, “fuck, even I don’t know what I’d do” and etc. There’s a lot of leeway.

They are grown, and are in college (let’s say the events of Death in The Family happened and everything surrounding Red Robin striking out to find Bruce whose lost in time). This Lia is much older, recently graduated from college and currently interns for Wayne Enterprises. See, Lia is just another intern in a global colgomerate cooperation, there’s no way she’d ever run into any of the Wayne’s. None at all. But. But. She does. Some how she becomes the Executive Assistant to Tim (he once saw how she managed an entire fucking department’s schedule even though a group of people spontaneously quit. She was able to somehow salvage that shit in under three hours. And, Tim might or might not have fallen slightly in love with her—). Lia, now, a fresh 20-something year old, is now the Executive Assistant to another 20-something year old who happened to run one of the most rich and powerful companies in the entire world holy shit. Now, we follow the adventures of Lia, whose now one of the most powerful persons in the entire company (and proxy the world, I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️). Lia, let’s say, is a fucking god at manipulating people, making connections, accounting and management, and also a Very Tired Recently Graduate of GU. She, cannot, and will not deal with the constant bullshit that the Bats pull regularly. So, Lia can either passive aggressively hint that, yeah Tim, you definitely got that broken arm from a golf accident. Oh hey, I also heard the Red Robin foughy Killer Croc and also sported a broken left arm like you! What a coincidence, right? And she’d say this with a straight face. Tim knows that she knows, and Lia knows that Tim knows and yeah. Alternatively, she could outright tell him: “look, Tim, I swear to god, if you put off another meeting without a day notice just because some gang member got the better of you.” “Wait, gang member—?” “—do NOT interrupt me. Look, I know Bruce Wayne is Batman. Not the whole, ‘Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person! The butts match!’ type of thing. I know he is Batman, you Red Robin, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Red Hood is the weirdly alive Jason Todd, etc etc. There’s no point in feigning the fact that I don’t know. Because, I do.” They stare at eachother for a bit, and Tim falls just a little more in love. “How... Actually it’s dumb to ask you how you know, but, how long?” “Good tactic to ask me how long I’ve know instead of how I know. But, to answer your question: I’ve know since I was around...” THE FRAME FREEZES now, should Lia say 8, since, technically, she’s know since she was 8 that Bruce Wayne is Batman, considering the whole parallel universe thing. Or, does she say 18, the age in which she arrived into this world? Now, that decision can prompt many things to happen. For one, if Lia says 8, Tim is gonna be so awestruck and also be dry curious. If 18, Tim is still amazed (that she knows at all). Either answer would also illicit this response: “...you’ve known for so long, yet never told anyone?” Lia shakes her head. “You guys have a secret identity for a reason. Plus, I’m not in the business of becoming a vigilante or whatever. I’ve tried my best to steer clear of all of that, in all honesty.” “Huh. Makes sense. Wait. Then... why did you start working at WE, if you knew our identities?” Lia stares at him like he’s grown three heads. “Dude. This is WE. One of the most powerful companies out there, why wouldn’t I work here? But, the ither fact of the matter is that I didn’t expect to become your fucking Executive Assistant. Like, I couldn’t just deny the offer, my mother would’ve disowned my ass the second she heard I turned down such a prestigious position.” Lia shuddered. “Fuck, I can hear her curse me out in like, five different languages.” Let’s also say, at one point or another, Lia’s mother arrives, and say, is the most terrifying person Tim has ever met (and Tim’s faced off against Ra’s al Ghul, a functionally immortal man with a fucking army of highly trained assassin at his disposal).

Lia is tame honest to god tame compared to her mother (if her mother is like, 5’3”, that’s even more hilarious tbh). Essentially, if Lia’s older and somehow become Executive Assistant to Tim (or Bruce, because, fuck canon) it would be so god damn funny (read “The Executive Assistant To Batman” in which Tim nene became Robin but still knows the identities of the various Gotham vigilantes. Oh, and, he’s the Executive Assistant to Batman. It’s so fucking hilarious and y’all gotta check it out. It’s on AO3).

Number 2, is a lot more light hearted compared to the moral deliemma of Number 1 (as, is Lia is the same age as Robin!Jason, and knows that he’s gonna die, but she also doesn’t want to get involved with the vigilantes presents a very large problem). Number 1 is great for angst and a character study for this OC. Number 2, is a more light hearted, fun scenario (as it avoids the can of worms called “Do I Warn the Bats of Robin!Jasons impending death or not because I honestly don’t want to get involved with the Bat.”.

I, personally, would love to read Number 2 (please make Lia, or whatever OC, a god damn Tired of Your Bullshit, amazing assistant to the CEO of WE, competent af and very, Very Tired of the Bats BS, and, PR is Going To Skin Me Alive and Roast Me Over A Flame). Maybe some drama, angst sprinkled in (there’s the blatant fact that, Lia is a completely different world. One that has superhero’s, aliens, magic and so, so much more. The fact that she’s in her doppelgänger’s body could cause some dissociation/body dysphoria and that sort of stuff. It’s a great opportunity for a character study for Lia/your OC).

Regardless of you choose 1 or 2, the basic premise is:

Some rando kid (or young adult, whichever strikes your fancy) who loves to read Batman/DC in general. Ends up in some weird ass accident that lands them in the DC universe, specifically Gotham. Everything about their pervious life and the life in his world is the same (or not, up to you), only difference is that there’s an alien powered by the Sun and that cannot he injured (unless it’s by a glowing green rock). They decide, pretty early on, that they want nothing to do with the vigilantes of Gotham (which also means they have to avoid the Wayne’s and Co, which should be ways right? Right?? Gotham is really big, I’ll probably only ever see them in passing, I’ll be fine—). But, the universe said, LOL, nope. And they end up befriending the Wayne’s somehow. The rest? Up to you. If they befriend Robin!Jason they have to cope with the moral deliemma of getting involved to save his life or not. Or, maybe this is the world where Dick is still Robin. Do we save Jason early on, or not? What about Tim? Cass? Stephanie? Or, what if, they end up in a world in which Jason died and came back, Bruce came back from being lost in the time stream and Damian is now Robin.

Essentially: OC ends up in the DC universe, specifically Gotham. Decided not to ever get in involved with the Vigilantes/Wayne’s. However, the universe said nope and they become friends with one of the Bats/Waynes regardless. Now, how the fuck do they cope?

BONUS: Lia manages to avoid the Wayne’s/Vigilantes of Gotham completely. How? She ends working for LexCorp. As Lex Luthors Executive Assistant (basically the same way as she became the Executive Assistant to Tim). Now, she has to cope with the fact that she works as the Executive Assistant for Lex fucking Luthor of all people. She can hear her mother shaking her head in Disappointment™️. She hates the universe. Also, Lex Luthor is pretty open about his Evil, Bastard Schemes with Lia for whatever reason (much to Lia’s utter fucking chargin). She discreetly sends info about these Evil, Bastard, Devious plans to the Bats. Cue her realizing that, to ensure Luthor doesn’t suspect her, she’s gotta get GOOD at hacking and computer science. And get good she does. Like, her utter fucking Done-ness over Luthors Supervillain ways and her wanted to never be found out by the Bats is like taken to Infinty in the 10 dial scale. Somehow, she manages to both avoid suspicion from Luthor (cue intense moments in which Luthor is talking to her, and he’s speaking in a weird direct way that makes Lia think he found out and she mentally plans for her subsequent “death” and fleeing of the country and when Luthor finishes his sentences it just him praising her or something else innocuous. Lia felt like the sun was lifted off her shoulders.) She’s always on edge. Her hair is slowly turning grey. Luthor notices and makes a comment and Lia simply laughs while making a underhand comment about how Luthors bald so he doesn’t need to deal with greying hairs. Lia stops laughing realizing oh shit I just insulted my boss in the most underhand way. What ghe fuck. But Luthor just laughs, much to Lia’s relief. Her hair is still greying from the stress. Anyways, she inadvertently becomes a techno vigilante that can rival the famed Oracle (let’s say, for the sake of this prompt, Lia’s code name is Reaper because she was drunk and apparently in the mind of her 13 year old self when she came up with it). Reaper’s name is slowly growing, as Lia does some other stuff with her new found skills in hacking. She mostly helps the Bats by giving them crucial info on Luthors dealings and the like.

One day, she realizes, that, oh shit. I became the one thing swore I’d never become. What type of Shakespearean shit is my life—

If someone does the situation in which Lia/their OC becomes Luthor Executive Assistant and then inadvertently becomes a Vigilante themselves because, sure, they don’t want to get involved, but, fuck Luthor and Eat the Rich. Also, I would love it if said fic included the most stress inducing scenes were it seems like Luthor found out about Lia and the whole Reaper situation but he actually DIDN’T and Lia is here like, sweating god damn bucks while her hair slowly falls out. Please. Write this shit. It would be

✨Immaculate✨

Anyways, hope you like this prompt/one shot because I damn well enjoyed writing it!

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quirklove · 3 years

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Hiya! I just found your blog and I absolutely love how you write for Stain 🥺👉👈 So I was just wondering if I could request him with. Nonbinary Hero s/o? My Dysphoria has been off the charts being stuck at home where all I hear is my dead name and original pronouns 😭 I've been in need of some validation 😭

Thank you so much, sweetie! I’m personally a little insecure about my portrayal of Stain so this really means a lot to me!! 😭

My brain is still in other fandoms like the big old galaxy brain it is, but I like to do requests that involve comfort as soon as I can!

I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with that junk; it’s frustrating that some people either don’t realize or don’t care that they’re hurting others. I really, truly hope that you’re able to get into a healthier situation soon!

In the meantime, let me reassure you that you are INCREDIBLY valid, your feelings are valid, and you deserve ALL the love and kindness! ❤️❤️❤️

Fingers crossed that this makes your day a little better, sweetpea 🤗

CHIZOME

It’s possible he might be a little confused about the concept of nonbinary people in general, but he always tries to be respectful. He looks up things online to ensure that he understands what that means and what it all entails. As a whole, even if he can’t fully wrap his mind around it (simply because his S/O is the only nonbinary person he’s ever known), he’s open to learning and he does his best to keep (Name) = they/them/theirs as a constant in his mind. He might slip up with the pronouns sometimes in the beginning; he tries to just apologize and move on instead of making a thing about it. If it happens, though, he resolves to himself to train his mind and mouth harder so he doesn’t hurt them.

Honestly, some of the heroes he makes an example of are those who are, among other things, transphobic, especially in regards to his S/O. If another hero deadnames or misgenders them, expect the next morning’s newspapers to have headlines of that hero in the hospital. Oops. His S/O will probably give him an earful about that, particularly if they know that Chizome is also Stain. Obviously they know his methods are far from ideal, and if they give him the “I appreciate you caring about me but beating up other heroes on my behalf is irresponsible and a dick move, do you really wanna be that asshole who’s always getting in fights for his datemate?” speech, he’ll at least have the good decency to look ashamed of himself. … And promise, in a rare moment of docility, that he won’t let anything personal like that cloud his work again. (They’d likely prefer it if he didn’t do it at all, but unfortunately…)

He happily lets them come stay with him if things are ever getting a bit too much or bad at their place, if they don’t yet live on their own. Even though his apartment is small and a bit cramped, at least it’s a little shelter from the rest of the world. He gets home from his ‘day job’ early in the morning, maybe just as they’re getting up to get ready for another day of heroism. Somehow he still convinces them to stay in bed for five more minutes. Just long enough so he can hold them close and murmur their name against their neck. No matter what, he loves them and wants to protect them more than anything else.

What’s this they find while they’re messing around having some flirty fun one night? An easily hidden tattoo he recently got? And it’s their name?? Well, it was supposed to be a thing he showed off to them as a birthday present, but he guesses it’s fine that they see it now. There’s even a little heart at the end of their name like a period. Like it’s final, that he will never love anyone else as much as he loves (Name).

There are some people he only calls by their hero name — whether it’s because he doesn’t know their real name, or because he respects their hero persona. However, he exclusively calls his S/O by their given name, their real name, unless he’s speaking to someone else about them. Sure, he has complete respect for their hero persona, and that’s never going to change. More than that, though, he respects who they are as a human. When they’re not on the clock, they’re still a hero. At least in his mind. They still treat people kindly and do what’s right, no matter if they’re in costume and being compensated for it. They don’t just stop being a hero when the work day ends. They’re also very possibly the strongest person, emotionally, that he knows. They’re (Name) to him, and (Name) is a true hero. Not (Name) the Spectacular Superhero, but (Name) the person. As far as he’s concerned, thank God for them, and they’re one of the few reasons he still has hope for the future.

#My Hero Academia #Boku no Hero Academia #Chizome #Chizome Akaguro #Stain #headcanons #romantic #fluff #hurt/comfort #drama #IN THIS HOUSE WE STAN A MAN WHO SUPPORTS HIS S/O IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY HE CAN #HE HAS A BIG BRAIN AND IT'S FULL OF LOVE FOR YOU BABEY #Anonymous

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secretmarial · 4 years

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So I’ve been thinking a lot about the KFC kids in general and their genders. Obviously all three are non-binary, and seem to prefer they/them, though Frisk only spent a day among monsters and is probably the youngest so they may pick out different pronouns at a later point. Anything from this point on is headcanon, do not feel as though I am trying to push my opinions on you!

Long post under the readmore!

Then I decided to start thinking about their assigned genders, just to get a better handle on backstory. Actually, that’s a lie. I saw that one galaxy brain meme about afab nb being perceived by other people, thought of Chara, and then when I thought about it I decided that being afab would give Chara maximum suffering and as much as I love them, suffering at the hands of humans is a major part of their personality. Note that I say afab would elicit maximum suffering because ‘male’ clothing is worn by basically everyone, while a-hole bios looking to force Chara to be a ‘good girl’ could shove them into dresses. (And also periods ohGod)

Chara now has problems with anything stereotypically feminine which they would hopefully address in therapy. MTT would of course be delighted to help them become more comfortable with the concept of dresses and makeup not meaning ‘girl’ though only at their own request. They end up a tendency to recoil from femininity so much that they overcorrect into masculinity. They do not identify as a male-nb, however, but as agender.

I decided Frisk is intersex because they seem to fill a role of ideal-Chara. Not to say that they are a replacement in any way shape or form, but it sort of ties in to Asriel saying that Frisk is the type of friend he wished he could have had. Frisk also achieves Chara’s goal of freeing monsterkind, and is compared to them on at least one occasion, besides the mistaken identity. It would almost make sense that Frisk would naturally have the kind of body Chara would be envious of. Also, I love the idea of Frisk growing up to have all of the secondary sex characteristics. They’re tall as heck, have broad shoulders, wide hips, curvy breasts, facial hair, ect, ect. I just want Frisk to be visibly, aggressively nb to anyone who looks at them.

I decided to have one kid for each assigned gender so Kris is amab. This is mostly to differentiate them from their siblings, since a lot of people want to say Kris is one, the other, or a fusion. That’s really all I have to say for them, at least until we get a better handle as to what exactly is happening in Deltarune. So this basically means that Chara and Kris are trans, while Frisk is technically cis. This throws Chara for a bit of a loop but they roll with it.

Frisk and Kris are both totally cool with dresses, makeup, and jewelry, though Frisk enjoys dressing up more than either of their fellow adopted siblings. This makes sharing a headspace with Chara a little awkward though, so they avoid it at first to keep from giving Chara dysphoria.

I also made decisions on deadnames, which I wasn’t originally going to share because they don’t matter but I’m going to be honest I’m a little proud of myself here. I decided that Chara’s deadname is Lucille, because of the similarity to Lucifer, as a shoutout to the demon that comes when you call its name. My dad has a snake named Lucifer and we call her Lucy, a common nickname for Lucille, so that’s where that came from. I also decided that young Chara didn’t originally know that nonbinary was a thing, they just knew they weren’t a girl. So, they figure, they have to be a boy, right? (Wrong) So they cut their hair short in the middle of the night (I recently decided that this is prompted by a nightmare, which I might expand on later, especially if anyone asks). Then they stare in the mirror and realize that they need a boy name, right? They consider (I considered) Luke, based on their original name, but then realized that they could use this opportunity to name themselves after the coolest guy ever, Jim Kirk! (Chara is a canon nerd, fight me) Except, James is kinda a boring name? And Kirk sounds weird. So during their short time identifying as male, Chara goes by the name Tiberius. They announce this to all of their classmates the next day. ‘But it sounds a little pretentious, you can call me Ty for short!’ Their parents and classmates and probably teachers all gave them hell for it, which is depressing. Then they eventually realize that, even if no one is really respecting their new male pronouns or any of it, ‘boy’ doesn’t fit any better than ‘girl’ did. So they just ditch the concept of gender as a whole. I like to think they gave themselves their name as they were climbing Mt. Ebott, and it became something of a mantra to them. ‘My name is Chara. My name is Chara.’ Then they fall and meet Asriel, and the first thing they blurt out after he asks if their okay is “My name is Chara!”

Kris was adopted by the Dreemurrs young enough that they might as well not have a deadname, because they don’t remember it at all, not even the faintest inkling of it. Actually it’s possible that they don’t, that their bios didn’t name them, if they were adopted from birth.

Frisk, oddly enough, does have something of a deadname, though it’s only really on a technicality. I have weirdly specific Frisk headcanons, which involve their homeless single father calling them by dozens of pet names, so often that they legitimately don't realize that one of them is their actual legal name. That one name?

Angel.

No I will not stop being ridiculous and making things deeper than they need to be, you can’t make me. Anyway, have a nice day and please feel free to shout at me about any of this I would love to discuss, as long as you’re discussion does not involve the KFC children having binary genders.

#undertale #mystuff #chara #chara dreemurr #frisk #kris #kfc gang #deltarune #lgbtq+#nb #nonbinary #my stuff

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sanderssidesfanfiction · 5 years

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Not Deserving

A/N: Hey, all! I can’t seem to stop getting ideas for fics recently, so have another idea that took me, like, three hours to hammer together. Warning, this fic will cover very dark topics, and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read.

Warnings: Cursing, abusive relationships, alcohol, transphobia & deadnaming, sympathetic Deceit

Ethan flinched as the cheap vase shattered against the wall inches from his head. He knew it was against the rules to flinch, but he couldn't help it. Even if the vase was cheap glass, it was loud when it shattered. Justin stalked over to Ethan and Ethan backed up against the wall as Justin leaned one hand against the wall where the vase had shattered. "Now look what you've done, Ethan. Gone and caused such a mess. Again. I'm going out, and when I'm back I want to see this place spotless, clear?"

Silently, Ethan nodded, and Justin shoved him in the chest, causing Ethan to jump. Justin laughed and muttered, "Useless bitch," as he stumbled into the bedroom.

Ethan didn't dare move until Justin left the house, and even then he only sank to the floor as waves of dysphoria knocked him off his feet. He knew Justin didn't mean what he said, he was just a little drunk, and Ethan wasn't able to wear his chest binder today, so it was hard for him to remember that Ethan was transgender. He also knew that Justin would be going to the club, most likely to find some girl or another to sleep with. And that was okay, Ethan was polyamorous, he didn't mind. He did sometimes wish that Justin would still love him all over like he used to, though.

Still, he had a job to do. He went to the closet and pulled out the dustpan, sweeping up the glass and throwing it away, before picking up the flowers that had been in the vase and feeling a pang of regret. He had loved these flowers, he had bought them with Justin in mind. They wouldn't survive long without the vase, so he resolved to dry them or press the petals, so he could still get a use out of them a while longer. He hummed under his breath. He missed Justin, but he was also relieved that Justin was out for the night. He hated when Justin would start yelling over something Ethan had screwed up.

When he deemed the apartment as clean as it could ever be, he stumbled to bed and checked the time, finding it just before one in the morning. He flopped onto bed and cuddled his pillow. If Justin wasn't back within the hour, he had probably gotten lucky and wouldn't show up until tomorrow afternoon. Which was whatever, Ethan had a shift in the local bookstore that morning anyway. Hopefully, Justin wouldn't trash the place before Ethan was back.

Blinking blearily in the morning as his phone's alarm rang, Ethan groaned and turned off the sound, before getting up and getting dressed. After he had packed and started binding, he felt a little better. He was supposed to only work the check-out today, so he wouldn't have to lug boxes of books around and risk strenuous exercise. He made himself breakfast and ate on the walk to the bus stop, and by the time he had made it to the bookstore he was as awake as he could ever be after a stressful night and he was ready to take on the day. He clocked in on time, nodded to Virgil, the bookstore owner, and got to the cashier's spot just in time for the doors to open.

Most of the morning was monotonous--checking out similar books, none of them ones that he felt inclined to read. Then, just before noon, Remus scurried to the front of the shop and asked, "Ethan, can I pretty pretty please swap places with you? My ankle has been killing me all morning, and I can barely restock the shelves anymore."

Ethan felt his stomach sink at the thought of having to lug around that many books in a chest binder, but he remembered Justin's words in his ear. Useless bitch. He knew he had to accept. "Sure, Remus. Just know that my shift ends in an hour, okay? Then it's back to shelving for you."

Remus hugged Ethan almost too tightly and ushered Ethan away with a, "I had to stop in the romance section."

Ethan felt even worse than before, but nodded. He hated the romance section, had hated it ever since he had gotten together with Justin. He headed to the romance section, though, because he had to, he had told Remus he would, and finished shelving all the books on that particular stand, but there were easily three dozen more books to sort through. Ethan didn't mind sorting through the books, but he had a problem bending and reaching and bending and moving down and lugging around a crate full of books. In no time, he was feeling shortness of breath. But he was also out of books, so he returned the crate to the back and decided to work on the mystery section next. He grabbed the crate and started to make his way over to the mystery books, before a voice yelled behind him, "Ethan! Uh, no! Stop that right now!"

It took every ounce of self-control Ethan had to not jump as Virgil jogged over to him. "No shelving when you're binding, we've been over this!" Virgil said sternly, taking the crate out of his hands. "Why are you shelving, anyway? I had you slotted for the check-out today."

"Remus said he hurt his ankle," Ethan said, voice small.

"Again?!" Virgil asked exasperatedly. "That's the third time this month he's tried to get out of shelving! Ethan, go back to the front. Remus will be doing his job. He didn't hurt his ankle, he's just trying to get out of his least favorite job."

"Oh..." Ethan said. Stupid, you should have realized that!

"Hey, Ethan?" Virgil asked, voice soft. "Don't beat yourself up over this, all right? Remus will do just about anything to get out of shelving. It's not your fault that you were trying to help."

Ethan's smile was strained and didn't quite reach his eyes as he nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Virgil."

Virgil grinned. "Hey, you've finally stopped calling me 'Boss,' that's progress!" he complimented. "To the front with you, I'll have a word with Remus."

Ethan nodded and went up front, working the cash register until it was time for him to clock out. When he went into the back, Virgil was waiting for him, like usual. "How's Justin?" Virgil asked, voice suspiciously neutral. "You seemed tired this morning. He keep you up last night?"

"You know how it is," Ethan said with a strained laugh. "When he wants something he doesn't stop until he gets it. Sometimes, he wants a little excitement in the bedroom, if you catch my drift." Just not with me, not anymore.

Virgil gave Ethan a thin smile as he clocked out. "He's treating you right, though? Aftercare, and all that?"

"Yeah, of course," Ethan lied, giving Virgil a small smile. "I should get out of here, I need some lunch and I might swing by the florist's before they close."

Virgil waved him off. "Yeah, see you later, Ethan. Have a good rest of the day."

If only. "I'll try," Ethan laughed.

He left the store, wilting a little at the stink-eye Remus was giving him on the way out. But once he was outside, in the relative fresh air, he took a semi-deep breath and let it out slowly with a smile. He made his way to his favorite cafe, which was just down the street from the bookstore. As soon as he walked in, the barista, Patton, waved at him and called, "Hi, Ethan! The usual?"

Ethan silently nodded and Patton turned to get started on his order. When it was done Ethan had the money out ready to pay and Patton cheerily gave him his change. "You got a little cut on your cheek there, Ethan, you okay?"

When Ethan pulled out his phone, he could see a cut right below his eye in his reflection. Huh. He hadn't even noticed the glass cutting him yesterday as the shards flew by. "Yeah, I just accidentally got cut by some glass," Ethan said. "Tripped, vase broke, hands narrowly missed getting cut, but my face wasn't so lucky."

"Ouch, be careful, Ethan. This is what, your sixth cut this month?"

"Seventh, I think," Ethan said with a sheepish grin.

Patton's gaze showed concern, and Ethan wanted to spill his guts then and there, to admit everything that Justin had done over the past few months, but he couldn't. At the end of the day, Justin loved him. He just had a hard time showing it. And Ethan didn't want to get Justin in trouble. So he took his food with a quiet "Thank you," sat in his usual spot for lunch, and then left, heading to the florist's. Maybe he could get a new vase, and some fresh flowers. Justin seemed to love it when Ethan brought him flowers.

When he walked into the florist's, Logan turned from tending to the flowers, smiling when he saw Ethan. "Ethan, hey," Logan said softly. "How you doing?"

Ethan smiled and said, "I'm okay." Logan was the person who knew the most about what Justin did behind closed doors, because he knew how many vases had been broken over the months Ethan had come in to buy new ones.

"What are you looking for today?" Logan asked.

"I'm not sure. Maybe some marigolds?" Dee asked. "Or a couple roses."

"His favorite flower, and something romantic," Logan said knowingly. "He broke another vase, didn't he?"

"I...yeah," Ethan mumbled, grabbing one of his arms with the other.

"Is that where you got your cut?" Logan asked, walking over.

Ethan shied away from Logan's hand and muttered, "I don't want to talk about it."

Logan looked genuinely distressed at that, but nodded and said, "As you wish."

Ethan gave Logan a thankful smile as he went to grab a few white roses. "Three good?" he asked as he brought them over to Ethan.

"Yeah," Ethan agreed.

Logan rang the flowers up and said, "You know, Ethan, you're too good for him. You could leave any time you wanted, and you'd be better off for it. He clearly doesn't appreciate you."

Ethan blushed and mumbled, "No...I don't deserve him. He's the one who's kind enough to love me."

Logan looked like he wanted to argue, but Ethan took the flowers and left the store with them and the new vase they were in.

When he got home, Justin was back, and he was drinking on the couch. "Good job cleaning," Justin grunted when Ethan walked back in. "This place doesn't look like a total pig sty."

Ethan squirmed a little under the olive branch he saw those words as. "Thanks," he said softly. "I got some new flowers...should I put them in the kitchen?"

"Whatever," Justin grunted.

Ethan took them to the kitchen and started preparing dinner early, so that Justin might eat before he went out for the night again. Ethan was filling a pot with water to put on the stove, but his grip slipped on the handle as he turned. What happened next felt like the world was in slow-motion. Ethan grabbed wildly for the pot but couldn't grasp it, and it clattered to the floor, water spilling all across the kitchen.

The silence that followed in the apartment was deafening. Ethan stood stock still, scared out of his wits, as Justin's steady footsteps approached. Justin stood at the edge of the kitchen, looking at the mess on the floor, before looking at Ethan. "Stupid," he growled. "Can't you do anything right, you stupid bitch?!"

"It was an accident! I'm sorry!" Ethan exclaimed. "Here, I'll clean it up right now!"

He went to move past Ethan but Justin grabbed him roughly by the wrist, before slapping Ethan across the face. "You won't do anything! You can't do anything right! All you do is screw up, time after time! It's a small wonder I've put up with you all this time!" Justin roared. He manhandled Ethan to the door. "Get out!"

"What?!" Ethan asked, feeling his breathing pick up.

"Get out!" Justin exclaimed. "We're through! You're not welcome in my apartment anymore! Good luck finding a new boyfriend, you bitch! You're just a weak, pathetic little girl! Why don't you run home to your mommy, maybe she can make it all better, Samantha."

Ethan felt tears come to his eyes. He absolutely hated it when he got deadnamed, but it hurt one thousand times more to hear it from the man he loved. "Justin..."

Justin slammed the door in Ethan's face. Ethan backed up, before running down the stairs of the apartment complex and running down through the street, tears blinding his vision. When he stopped, no longer able to breathe, he checked his pockets. He had his wallet, still, and his cell, but nothing else on him. Not even a spare set of clothes. He looked around. There was a bar across the street, and he decided that the first thing he would do as a newly single homeless person would be to get absolutely plastered.

He stumbled into the bar, which seemed to have just opened for the night. He sat down heavily on one of the stools, and told the bartender, "Gimme the strongest stuff you've got."

"Sure," the bartender said, giving him a wary look. "Bad day?"

"Boyfriend broke up with me," Ethan said with a hollow laugh. "I don't have any of my clothes, my shoes, my personal affects, or even my testosterone. And I won't be welcomed back."

The bartender paused as he passed Ethan the drink. "It that what that red mark across your face is for? Did the prick hit you?"

"He's not a prick," Ethan said with a sigh. "He was the love of my life, or so I thought."

The bartender shook his head. "No boyfriend worth his salt would hit his partner."

Ethan laughed and took a sip of his drink, which he thought was vodka. "Y'know what the worst part is?" Ethan asked. "I brought it on myself. I screwed up, and he finally had enough of me."

The bartender looked concerned. "My name's Roman King," he said. "What's yours?"

Ethan took a long sip of his drink. "Ethan. Ethan Price."

Roman looked confused for a brief second, before he laughed. "Small world. My boyfriend, Virgil, owns a bookstore in town square. You wouldn't happen to work there?"

"Yup," Ethan said, taking another long sip of his drink, only to find it empty after two swallows. "Might have to crash there tonight. Not like I have anywhere else to go."

Roman sobered. "You really have nowhere to go?"

Ethan shrugged. "Not like I got the chance to make many friends when Justin and I moved," he said. "Too busy making sure that the apartment was clean and that Justin was fed. He does a terrible job of taking care of himself."

Roman looked even more concerned, if that was possible. "Hey, Ethan. You mind sticking around for a little while? Just until I can call some friends of mine and see if we can get you a place to crash?"

Ethan shrugged. "I don't plan on going anywhere."

Roman nodded.

Ethan sat in silence, drinking another glass of vodka as other customers started to shuffle into the bar. After a time, Roman was arguing with Ethan about giving him another drink, which, considering Ethan had just polished off his third glass, probably was wise. But Ethan didn't care. "My boyfriend broke up with me, hit me, called me a stupid bitch, and deadnamed me, all in the span of ten minutes!" he yelled at Roman. "I deserve another drink!"

Roman looked past Ethan and called, "Virgil, Pat, Lo! Over here!"

Ethan turned to find his boss, the barista from the cafe he went to every day after work, and the florist all walking over to him. He groaned, hiccuping once and resting his head on the bar. "I don' wanna deal with this," he muttered darkly.

Virgil approached first, saying, "Hey, Ethan, you good? Roman called me and said you were having issues with your boyfriend?"

"When isn't he?" Logan scoffed. "That man breaks four vases a month, easily. And every time, Ethan comes to me asking for a new one, usually sporting a bruise or a cut or two."

Patton gasped and Ethan flinched. "What?!" Patton exclaimed. "Your boyfriend is the guy who made you unable to walk without severe pain for two weeks?! And gave you that gash on your left cheek?!"

"That was him?! That was, like, four months ago!" Virgil yelped. "Ethan, how long have you been with this guy?!"

Ethan flinched and the four murmured apologies to him. "Ethan," Roman said, not unkindly. "How long has this been going on?"

"Hmm." Ethan held his head in his hands. "At least a year. He goes out to clubs to sleep with girls and comes home and treats me like I'm one of them, but I'm not! I'm a man! I'm a man and I wanna be treated with respect! But I can't! I don't deserve it!" He was crying by this point. "And no one will ever love me, 'cause I'm trans, and he was being kind and doing me a favor dating me, and now he's gone, and--"

Virgil held a hand up and Ethan stopped, but tears still fell silently down his cheeks. "Ethan, you can come home to crash at our place, all right? And tomorrow, we are going to that prick's apartment, and we're getting your stuff."

"But..." Ethan hiccuped. "I'm not...not worth the trouble."

"Falsehood," Logan said. "Your ex is a piece of shit, Ethan. I'm sorry, but it's true. We're going to help you find a place to stay, whether that's with us or elsewhere. And when you find that place, we're going to help you get back on your feet. Virgil isn't going to fire you over this, Patton might give you a couple free meals, and you're always welcome to come to my shop to stop and smell the roses."

Ethan giggled a little and Patton smiled softly at him. "Do you wanna get out of here, buddy?" he asked.

"Mmm. Mhm," Ethan hummed.

The three helped Ethan stand and Virgil said something to Roman, which Roman nodded at. Ethan looked back at him, and Roman smiled and waved. Ethan waved back, but he was asleep before the others even got him to the car.

When Ethan woke up, he had a killer hangover, and he was in a room he didn't recognize. He sat up, realizing his binder was off, but his shirt on, and he was immensely confused. He stumbled out of the bedroom to find Virgil, Patton, Logan, and Roman all sitting at a table, laughing and eating breakfast. "Hey, Ethan," Virgil said. "How's your head?"

"Awful," Ethan muttered. "How'd I get out of my binder?"

Virgil winced. "Uh...you fell asleep by the time we got you to our car, so Pat and I had to quickly undress you and put you back in your shirt so you wouldn't damage your ribs. Don't worry, we didn't do anything untoward."

"I know you wouldn't," Ethan mumbled. "Why am I here? Why are you all here?"

"Well, we live here," Logan said. "All of us. We're in a polyamorous relationship. As for why you're here...your boyfriend apparently kicked you out."

Ethan closed his eyes and sucked in a breath as the previous night's blurry memories ran through his head. "Oh," he said softly.

"Fear not, Ethan, because we're getting your stuff today," Roman said.

"How?" Ethan asked. "Justin isn't gonna...gonna let me back in." Much as it hurt to say, it was true.

Roman stood, and Ethan noticed for the first time that he was built like a linebacker. "He's more than welcome to pick a fight with me while you get your things."

Logan rolled up his sleeves and Ethan noticed the toned, lean muscle in his forearms. "Myself as well."

Virgil smirked. "Me too," he said, "And you know that I've made professional martial artists cry."

"He can fight me too!" Patton exclaimed. "I'm, like, barely as tall as you, Ethan, but I'm completely willing to throw down for you!"

Ethan stared at them in shock. "You don't even know me," he said.

"We know you enough," Virgil said. "And you can crash here for as long as you need. But first, we're getting your stuff."

They made their way to Justin's place after Ethan had a quick breakfast, and Roman knocked on the door. There was shuffling, and then Justin flung the door open. "Whaddaya want?!" he snapped.

"We're here to get Ethan's stuff," Roman said sweetly, pushing Justin out of the way. Virgil led Ethan into the apartment and said, "Grab everything that's yours, Ethan, we'll help you carry it."

Ethan nodded and grabbed his testosterone first. Then, he went for his clothes, which he packed in his suitcase. After that, he grabbed the few books he owned, and he walked out to the living room to find Justin glaring at him. "Not even man enough to get your stuff on your own, Sammy?" Justin jeered.

Roman promptly decked him and said, "His name is Ethan," with as much venom as Ethan had ever heard in a four-letter sentence. "And seeing as how you don't respect that, we're going to take him off your hands."

Patton came out of the bathroom, holding up toiletries. "Are all these yours, Ethan? I figured you didn't have any of the cologne, or the cheap hair gel."

Ethan walked over and looked at Patton's collection. "That's everything," he said.

Logan strode out from the kitchen with the vase of flowers Ethan had left. "Do you have everything else?" he asked.

Ethan nodded. "The electronics and stuff are all Justin's, and my phone charger is in my suitcase."

"Then we should get going," Roman said. "Don't want to stay around toxic people like this for too long, they might get you sick."

Ethan nodded again. "I would say it was a pleasure, Justin, but I'd be lying," he said softly, walking out.

The others followed him out, and Roman gave him a gentle hug. "What was that for?" he asked.

"For being brave enough to come back here and get what's rightfully yours," Roman said. "Honestly, how you stayed with him for that long is a mystery to me."

"Stockholm syndrome?" Ethan asked.

"Eh, that's more focused towards abductions," Logan said. "But I see your point. Misplaced loyalty."

"Yeah," Ethan said softly.

Virgil nudged Ethan. "Chin up, Ethan. You're out of that situation now. It's gonna hurt, but you'll be free, and that's an amazing feeling."

Ethan offered Virgil a small smile.

"And hey, if you ever want to join our polyam pile, we'd be more than happy to welcome you!" Patton chirped. "I know it might take a while, but we'll be here as long as you want us to be, Ethan!"

Ethan smiled softly. "Thank you," he murmured.

"It's what you deserve," Logan said.

"I don't think so," Ethan said. "You guys are angels. I'm not deserving of angels."

"I'm taking that as an invitation to prove you wrong," Virgil warned. "So be prepared for a lot of aggressive pep-talks."

Ethan laughed. "Noted."

Tag List: @loganpatton @lilbeanblr @kittyboof8 @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @sanders-trash-4ever @hamilspntrash @swords-and-kittens @phantomfander @narniasfinestavengingsociopath @rjmeta @ambersky0319 @anni-cat-flower @idosanderssidespromptssometimes

#sanders sides fanfiction #sympathetic deceit #deceit sanders #dlamp #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #our creations #ts remus #remus sanders

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aliceslantern · 4 years

Text

Serendipity, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 3

ser·en·dip·i·ty | n -- the occurrence of an unplanned fortunate discovery.

It's all fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

Modern AU, Zemyx, Ienzo is trans and afab

Chapter summary: Ienzo and Demyx decide what they want to do with this unplanned pregnancy.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

Ienzo went through the next few days in a haze. The word echoed heavily in his mind--

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

He didn’t look it. His stomach was as flat as it ever was. This clump of cells, such as it were, was only a few weeks old. Perhaps not viable.

Could he see a pregnancy through? Imagine himself swollen, heavy? And what of the other end, a whole human being he’d need to care for? He’d wanted children, but he’d figured it would have been ten, fifteen years in the future--and then, adoption. He hadn’t anticipated anything biological. Hell, he’d fully planned on having a hysterectomy at some point. Not to mention, he and Demyx were faring well, but it had only been months. This was a greater commitment than marriage.

He couldn’t keep this pregnancy. That’s all. It was a mistake, a blip on the radar. But for clarity’s sake, he did need to tell Demyx. It was only fair. He’d regret it if he didn’t.

The thought of it made sleeping impossible. He stumbled through the workday blearily, and when he got home he was unable to make the dinner he’d planned for. He sat on the couch, hugging himself tightly, imaging himself spitting out those words. This was all his fault.

When Demyx got back from class, he noticed the variance in Ienzo’s mood immediately. “Hey,” he said. “What's going on? Bad day?”

He swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. “I… suppose…”

Demyx sat next to him. “What happened?”

He tried to gather the nerve. “I need to tell you something.”

Something like fear sparked in his eyes. “What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

He felt the tears there, tremulous.

Demyx took his hand; he snatched it away. “Talk to me,” he said. “I can’t fix what I don’t know.”

He swallowed. He was shaking all over. “I… received some news,” he said slowly. “I figured out what’s wrong with me.”

“Isn’t that good?”

The wetness ran over. “I’m… I’m pregnant.”

There was a substantial pause. Demyx snorted. “Okay, real funny.”

He looked up. “It’s not a joke. I really am.”

He froze. “Oh.”

“I… I thought it wasn’t possible. And for the majority of people on T, it isn’t.” He gritted his teeth. “I guess I’m just lucky.”

“Oh,” Demyx repeated.

“I… I wanted to tell you. Before I made any decisions.”

“Thank you,” he said numbly. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Ienzo. This is my fault.”

“If we’re being technical, it’s both our faults,” he said.

“What do you want to do?”

“I…” He swallowed. “I don’t know. I’m still in shock.” Ienzo felt a bit faint. “What if there’s something wrong with it? From the hormones?”

“I doubt that.”

“But what if I can’t carry it the whole term--” He hugged himself tightly.

Demyx embraced him gently. “It’s your body,” he said softly. “Whatever you decide, I’m with you.”

“But this thing is also half yours.”

“I’m not the one who’s going to carry it and give birth to it,” Demyx said. There was something distant in his eyes.

“What do you want ?”

He pressed his forehead against Ienzo’s. “I want to make you happy,” he said. “That’s all. Whatever that means.”

---

This news did make things awkward between them, as he tried to slog through the next few days. Demyx seemed to be constantly walking on eggshells around him. Ienzo was exhausted, sluggish. He kicked things back and forth in his mind--

The finances. The newness of his relationship. The threat of the pregnancy triggering dormant dysphoria. His testosterone hurting the embryo. He needed to talk to someone, someone he could trust to be level headed.

Ienzo called his father.

Ansem was a busy man. Being a politician would do that. Trying to explain things to his other father only gave him anxiety. He needed real, solid advice.

It was a beautiful spring day. He was feeling swollen, despite the fact that he was too early along to show. His pregnancy had recently escalated to morning sickness, and it wasn’t fun. He was still sipping ginger tea in an attempt to reign it in when he saw him approach in the park.

“Waiting long?” he asked, leaning in for a hug. “Ienzo, I must say. Since I last saw you, you are positively glowing. Nothing like young love.”

“Glowing.” He snorted. Unfortunately, it was true. Since he'd been pregnant his complexion was flawless.

“Shall we walk?”

He followed him through the park, the just-blooming flowers. Parents playing with their kids. Bright, warm sunlight.

“All is well, I hope?” Ansem asked. “You seem distant this afternoon.”

“I’m afraid I have ulterior motives, for speaking with you,” he said. “I need some… fatherly advice. As it were.”

“All in the contract,” Ansem said, with a smile.

“You recall I’ve started a new relationship.”

“Not so new. It’s been some time since you mentioned it.” Ansem cocked his head. “I’m glad, to see you find someone. I’d hoped you would eventually.”

“I’m afraid I’m… dealing with a dilemma.” He looked at the lake, at the ducks. He admitted it to the water. “I’ve conceived.”

For a moment all that was audible was the splashing of ducks. “Are you… quite sure?” Ansem asked. “I thought--”

“Yes. I did too.” He sighed. “The proof is in the pudding. So to speak.”

Ansem touched his arm. “Do you feel alright?”

“Nauseous, emotional, humiliated,” he said. “But yes, fine, I suppose.”

“The chances of this happening must be--”

“Incredibly slim.” He felt his hand on his stomach and pulled it away. “Lucky me.”

Ansem considered this. “Lucky,” he echoed. “Yes, Ienzo, perhaps you are. Does the boy know?”

“Handled it gracefully, I suppose,” he said. He wished he had seeds, for the birds. “Says it’s my body, my choice, and all that.”

“Something like this--perhaps it is fate,” he said slowly. “Giving you something you didn’t realize you needed.”

“More like I was irresponsible once and these are the consequences.”

Ansem placed a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t base a choice like this on logic,” he said firmly, “as much as you are wont to. Parenthood is difficult, emotionally complicated. You have to go with your gut, Ienzo, or you’ll regret it forever.”

“How very helpful,” he spat.

“Your heart will tell you the right thing to do,” he said. “Regardless of whether or not you see this through… you have my support. But consider… after all, you ended up in our custody under less than ideal circumstances. And it ended up being a fortuitous match, yes?”

He blinked. “I… suppose.”

“Consider it an opportunity, either way,” he said, “To determine what you truly want from your life.”

“I shall.”

“I hope you do.”

---

Ienzo was drifting into an uncertain sleep when it came to him, with a painful clarity. He’d been in denial too long.

Go with his gut.

He rested his hand on the clump of cells. What was it telling him?

Likely if he continued his transition--his plan--he wouldn’t be able to biologically conceive again. This was likely a fluke--as it were. A once in a lifetime shot.

Wouldn’t he be a fool, to throw it away?

He looked at Demyx, fast asleep next to him. Quite possibly this person was the love of his life.

Ienzo had always lived by rules and plans. Breaking those rules had given him love and pleasure he hadn’t thought he was capable of. And to break this rule, this plan? Bigger, more consequential than the last? Would it reap a larger reward? Should he terminate, life wouldn’t be normal. The fact of it would sit within him forever, good or bad.

He wanted this child.

It wasn’t a clump of cells. Or an embryo. It was the potential for a person, something he’d made, despite the odds. It wanted him , despite his inhospitable body. Tears--of relief, maybe--clouded his eyes. He already knew he’d made up his mind.

Very well.

He sat up. Slowly. “Demyx?” He wasn’t sure why the man needed to know right exactly now at this god awful hour, but he needed to say it out loud. He needed it to be real.

Demyx groaned and pressed his face into the pillow. “Wassup?”

“I want to keep the baby.” Not cells, not a fetus. Something that would be a person.

He blinked, his expression sharpening. He took a breath. “I was hoping you would,” he said softly.

“Why didn’t you tell me, if you felt so strongly?”

“Because this isn’t a normal situation. I didn’t want you to be--uncomfortable.” He gasped out loud, as though just realizing. “But fuck, we’re really going to do this, aren’t we?”

“It seems that way-- if my body decides to hold the pregnancy.”

Another sound, almost like a laugh. “Jesus, Ienzo, I--we’re going to be parents. ”

“It… seems that way, yes.”

“God, I--love you.”

In the startled silence that followed, Ienzo realized it was the first time either of them had actually said it. “I love you too,” he said.

Demyx leaned in to kiss him. He rested his palm against Ienzo’s stomach. “There’s really something in there.”

“I know I need to… go back to the doctor, at some point,” he said. “Not only to tell her I plan to remain pregnant, but to gauge the baby’s gestational age. They’ll probably do an ultrasound.”

“Can I come?”

Ienzo wasn’t sure why this surprised him, or why he expected Demyx to be flighty and anxious about all this. “Of course you can.”

---

Actually seeing the baby was surreal. It was no more than a blip in a black and white wasteland, but it was there. Hearing that it had a heartbeat, too, startled him to tears. It was living, it was alive. He was apparently only six weeks into this pregnancy; another six before they could even be sure it was viable.

The anxiety of it all was getting to him. He wanted this child almost fiercely, though he had no idea why. Genetics? Instinct? Was this as Ansem told him, his heart telling him what he needed? Still, Ienzo did not dare dream of what might come of it. Not yet.

He tried his best to be healthy. He read voraciously about ideal diets despite his propensity to immediately throw it back up. Took vitamins. Tried to maintain hydration despite the steadily-increasing pressure on his bladder.

He was actually finishing getting sick at work when he heard a gentle knock on the stall door and a timid, “are you okay?”

Fuck. He thought he was alone. “I’m fine, thank you for your concern.” He dabbed at the fine sweat on his forehead. Shakily, he stood and opened the door. He saw a young man, with messy, spiky blond hair--one of the high school volunteers. Ienzo could not recall his name. Ted? Ben? He wasn’t wearing his pass, which was technically a violation of the rules.

“If you’re sick, you should go home,” the boy added. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I’m not sick or contagious. Such as it were.” He smiled wearily. “It’s a medical condition.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that.” His blue eyes were terrified. “Is there anything I can do to… help you?”

“Not particularly--unless you mind me brushing my teeth.” He chanced a smile; the boy returned it nervously. The boy did what he came in here for and left, casting one more odd glance over his shoulder.

As he went through his normal daily routine… Ienzo realized he’d been slow for a time. Soon enough this “condition” would be obvious. He didn’t particularly care who knew he was trans, but he also didn’t wear it on his sleeve. Continuing would make it obvious.

Did it matter, truly? What good were secrets?

He’d cross that bridge when he got to it.

---

Ienzo and Demyx both waited with bated breath as the weeks crept past steadily. It felt as though the nausea was abating, and his energy returned; they were able to enjoy sex again. One morning he woke up and noticed after his shower that his stomach was no longer quite so flat. It would be impossible to tell unless one knew that it was a baby and not an extra five pounds, but it was visible.

The twelfth week came. According to the three month sonogram, all was well. He and the baby were both healthy. Things were becoming permanent. Demyx, who had been bursting to tell the truth for some time, told anyone who would listen, and one morning Ienzo woke up to a spam of angry texts from Naminé at not being told sooner. She didn’t buy the “we wanted to make sure” line. Then,

I think Demyx likes the cult of domesticity, she wrote. After the way we grew up… he likes the stability. He’ll love the crap out of both of you, I know that much.

A sigh. He already is. Always there to give a shoulder or back rub, to indulge his strange cravings (anywhere from kimchi to collard greens and chocolate), to not get more than vaguely annoyed when the hormones made him act like a maniac.

It was time to start planning this life for real.

#serendipity #ienzo #demyx #zemyx #ansem the wise #pregnancy #ienzo is trans

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oscar-mildes · 4 years

Note

elvira you know I always see what you're hiding in the tags,, I will always read it if you answer all of them abhsjdbs

nev you asked for this and im going to go thru with it bc im an oversharing idiot like oh you asked me how’s the weather i will tell you about all my trauma instead :D

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? i’m cis yo i’m she/her. i’m biromantic ace. thats the label i would put on it i guess. i really just refer to myself as gay bc i like pretty boys who look like girls and pretty girls and pretty nb and queer people and basically i just like pretty people ajsfbjf

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story? theres no story to it. no epiphany or realization. i just always was ok with thinking that girls were pretty and that gay people are cool and it wasnt until recent years that i was like oH SHIT AM I GAY

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it? no i guess bc i’m a girl and id as a girl and have a very obvious girl body

Who was the first person you told, how did they react? i guess my best friend. we’re both very ok with gay shit and we just always made comments about pretty girls and now we’re both pretty gay. i like my big tiddie anime girls and she likes her pretty kpop girl bands

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel? i’ve only “come out” to some of my friends. i would NEVER in my LIFE even imagine telling my mom i like girls. shes homophobic Like That

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react? uhh see above. my mom, stepdad, family members are all homophobic. hispanics in general are Like That rip. i think my dad would be the most ok with it but he lives in mexico and i dont talk to him often anyway. doesnt matter

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality? i hate when people ask me about the ace part. like they have a bigger problem about my not wanting to have sex over the liking girls part tbh. sometimes it’s difficult for me to even describe where i am on the ace spectrum. it’s honestly the more difficult part

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. basic nerd. you know those fics like “she dressed in a black t-shirt, skinny jeans, and all star converse” yea that she is me

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships? ajkfj this is a good question and canon wise i love Ash and Eiji from Banana Fish, Uenoyama and Mafuyu from Given, Nezumi and Shion from No. 6, and Simon and Baz from Carry On. Not canon i love Kurama and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, Izuku and Todoroki from My Hero Academia, and Inosuke and Tanjiro from Demon Slayer. Note how most of them are anime i

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any? i dont really wear any bc im lazy. if you like it you do you but idrc for it? except for lipstick i LOVE lipstick i have all the colors. i wear it so it distracts people from the rest of my face

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you? ...no

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community? i live in the south so ive heard tons of shit talk about gay people. i dont really have any that stand out. my mom just likes to say that we’re going to hell :D so let’s give em a show ay

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? i guess i like how we find solidarity in each other just bc we’re not straight. most of the lgbt+ folks i know are pretty chill about everything

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? terfs but they dont count

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not? i live in a small town and i could never sneak out of my house for that bc i still live with my mom so no

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity? theres so many big celebrities now that id as lgbt+ but im going old school and loving my man, my tumblr url namesake mr Oscar Wilde. my man got put in jail for sodomy

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet? lmao never bc im mean, ugly, and terrible at talking to people irl. i had a bf in middle school? but bc i was 12 i dont count it

What is your favourite lgbt+ book? Carry On and the sequel Wayward Son. (very anxiously waiting for book 3 Anyway the Wind Blows come on Rainbow Rowell)

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened? for being gay? no. bc im not really out. ive faced discrimination for being a brown woman tho :)))

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show? yall i love gay anime: Given, Banana Fish, No. 6, Yuri on Ice yeee. i dont really watch tv with real people but i think that Brooklyn 99 does a very good job with Holt and Rosa yall im love Rosa

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers? theres bloggers??? um idk i love u nev so you count right @why-do-you-pick-flowers

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim? for a while everyone was mad as hell about “im gay for ___” and idk im gay for everything so thats a “slur” i use for myself

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it? ive never gone omg i’d probably be intimidated as hell like i have a lot of problems just existing so to be existing around very flamboyant and extravagant people like that makes me break into a nervous sweat

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you? ive always felt like a girl even tho my mom always said “oh you like boy things??? you should have been born a boy” but like, your likes and dislike dont determine your gender. i like “boy” things and “dress like a boy” but i dont FEEL like a boy. ive never had any desire to become a boy or id as a boy. gender is a social construct fuck society

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not? i have a very complicated relationship with children. babies are ugly and toddlers are annoying but i feel like if i had children i would love them obviously because theyre mine. this is gonna be a weird analogy but like i dislike cats. BUT i have cats. and i love the fuck outta them. so i feel like thatd be me with kids. but im ace so like.... who would even have kids with me. i could not. pregnancy seems like a hassle and adoption is... i have thoughts on that but thats for a different post. also i can see myself being married and not having children OR having kids without a spouse. theres just something complicated about having both??? maybe im just fucked in the head idk bro

What identity advice would you give your younger self? you dont hate girls you like them, dumbass

What do you think of gender roles in relationships? fuck gender roles. get pegged, bros. i also have a very specific dynamic if i ever got into a relationship (which you know. wont happen) but like if i dated a guy i feel like i’d be very top. a MAN telling ME what to do??? fuck that. but if i dated a pretty girl??? top me pls

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender? i think ive already said too much oh god someone is gonna look at this and be like what the FUCK but like lmao dont be afraid to ask me i apparently have no shame

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+? it’s scary at first because you think “im not normal” but like pray tell me what is normal. do what makes you happy. fuck society

Why are proud to be lgbt+? i’m comfortable with the people i like. i might not be very confident and i have depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, probs adhd or ocd idfk but at least i know if i see a pretty girl or smth im gonna be like wow that girl is pretty and have no bad thoughts about it. it’s just how it be. after a lot of dissecting my past behavior, ive always been this way. you cant change who you are. just accept it

#asks #nev you asked for this #oversharing??? me??? never #lgbt stuff #im gay yall

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watercolored-snufkin · 5 years

Text

The Swing of Things

A Trans!Peter Parker AU fic and by AU I mean canon uh fuck you

Warnings: None Word Count: 2.4k (it’s exactly 2.4k and that makes me very happy) ao3 link (updates will be faster on ao3, i’ll probably post a chapter a week on tumblr)

Peter had always confided in May. He was never scared to talk to her about anything, what was even the point of being scared? She would have found out about this, and how he felt, sooner or later. Peter rather would have had it be sooner. May had been there for him throughout the entire process. Peter started questioning his gender at the age of 12. He knew he never felt quite right, or quite comfortable. But Peter never had the words to articulate how he felt, he didn’t know what words he could possibly string together in an attempt to even begin explaining how his own skin felt like a stranger to him. And with high school and puberty right around the ever approaching corner, he was more desperate than ever to find out what was wrong with him.

Naturally, out of pure second nature, Peter turned to his Aunt May. She did nothing but listen to Peter go on for over an hour about how he didn’t feel right. May knew that she could never fully understand how Peter felt, and what exactly he was going through. But she was beyond determined to help, she’d do anything for her then-niece. It wasn’t until Peter was nearing the end of his explanation that May had brought up the idea.

“Do you think that you could be a boy?” She asked, speaking slowly and softly. Letting the idea sink in Peter’s mind for a moment. Nothing really clicked when she said that, but the discomfort within him seemed to become more prevalent at that moment. Peter thought for another moment, unsure of what to say. The thought, or rather, idea had never occurred to him. And quite honestly, at the time, Peter didn’t even know becoming a boy would even be possible. The idea kind of fascinated him in a way, and he swore he could see a faint glimmer of hope.

“I don’t know...Can I think about it for a bit?” May smiled and reached out across the old dinner table to ruffle Peter’s hair.

“Think about it for as long as you want, bud,” Peter smiled brightly.

“Now go shower,” May laughed, pulling her hand back, “Your hair is greasy,”

And they went from there.

Over the course of a year, Peter and May talked frequently about Peter’s identity. May made sure she’d check in at least once a day, and Peter always updated her if there was ever a change. May had stopped calling Peter by his birthname merely a week after their first talk. And when he was between names May would call him neutral terms. Things like “bud” or “dude”. Peter appreciated that a lot, and he made sure that May knew it.

They’d have talks in their living room, or on Peter’s fire escape. Peter loved those talks on the fire escape the most, it seemed that everything else melted away in the world and it was just the two of them and the night sky. They both drowned out the sounds of the city below and they would sit and talk for hours. May would talk to Peter about her struggle with finding out her sexuality all of those years ago, how she had been confused and didn’t know what to do. How she went out with a girl or two to see if she’d like it, and when she ultimately decided that she didn’t. Peter really appreciated that May opened up about that to him. It made him feel just slightly less alone. Peter would tell her about his struggles with his identity, how he knew he just wasn’t a girl. And he’d talk about his sexuality with her, how he realized he was bisexual from an early age. These talks brought them closer, and it built up their relationship. Peter was very happy for that, he didn’t know what he’d do or where he’d be if he never told May.

The constant and undying support meant a lot to Peter. Though May could never understand how he felt, and they were both very much aware of that, it made him feel less alone. There were days when May couldn’t help him, there were days when Peter would lock himself in his room and crank up his music to full blast. There were days when Peter would lie in bed for hours on end, just staring at the wall, unmoving. The human embodiment of a void, so to speak. The confusion of not knowing, the uncomfortable sense from just living in his own body, the feeling of being lost and alone. All of those feelings would consume and hold Peter down, and try as he might, there’d be days when he just had to give in.

Peter couldn’t stand the thought of living in the body that he was so unfortunately cursed to be in. He often found himself staring at guys for seconds too long, envy and jealousy overwhelming him. Dysphoria punching him in the chest and dragging him down. Peter’s heart clenched and ached. It all left him feeling empty and hollow on the inside.

It wasn’t until he was almost 13 that it all just clicked together, like finishing a puzzle and feeling a sense of satisfaction when the last piece finally falls in flush against the rest. He remembered it so vividly, the way his heart started soaring as he rushed into the living room. His socks making him slide against the recently cleaned wooden floor. Peter reached out to grab the wall for leverage just moments before he would have fallen down. Aunt May looked up from the magazine she had been perusing, her brown hair falling in her face as she looked at Peter with concern. A small smile crept it’s way onto her face as she saw just how ecstatic Peter looked.

“What’s up kid?” She asked, sitting up and putting down the magazine on the cluttered coffee table.

“My name is Peter,” He couldn't help the smile that formed as the words rushed out of his mouth faster than he could think. It took May a few moments to process before she too was smiling brightly. “This is you?” She was near tears, seeing Peter look so happy had made her heart swell with joy.

“Yeah,” Peter took a breath, “Yes this is me,”

Peter had never seen Aunt May move so quickly. Before he knew it, she had engulfed him in a tight hug that Peter was more than happy to return with just as much emotion. Peter had finally figured it all out, now there could be progress. May had promised him from the beginning that the second he figured it all out that they’d start working towards whatever he needed instantly. And she fully intended on carrying out that promise.

They quickly found a gender therapist to go to, and May had ordered Peter a few binders. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. Peter found out that the HRT place that he wanted to go to wouldn’t let him get on T until he was 16. And though he hated the wait more than anything, Peter knew it was their best option available, and that he’d just have to tough through it. May knew how much the waiting hurt Peter, so she helped out the best she could. It started with helping Peter learn how to naturally lower his voice, and soon she offered up the idea of Peter going to a support group. May respected Peter’s wishes to stay stealth (and to eventually change schools once he got to high school) but she still thought it’d be a good idea for Peter to find other kids like him, and to talk to them and listen to their stories. It didn’t take long for Peter to agree and start going to sessions, in all honesty, he liked going there. It was a nice safe space and May was right, it was nice to talk to other kids like him. Though there wasn’t a better support system than May, well, at least not yet.

When Peter had been bitten by the spider, not only did he have to deal with adjusting to his new heightened senses and other various powers, he had to deal with the sudden panic and worry if these sudden and drastic changes would affect his chances of getting on testosterone in the coming years. He spent countless nights panicking over that, debating whether or not he should tell May what had happened. It didn’t take him long to stop panicking and to take these new abilities and powers and use them for good.

For years, Peter had looked up to various superheroes, like Ironman or Captain America. He wondered if he could be like them now if he could help others the way they did. The idea and possibility washed away his anxiety and thrilled him. He wanted to be like them, he wanted to help.

One day, when May was out running errands, Peter decided that he had to stop weighing his options and to just go. He tore apart his room looking for old clothes to use, he’d taken an old hoodie of his, one that he hadn’t worn in ages. It was old and faded, what once was a bright red fabric was now dull. Peter didn’t have a plan as he started cutting off the sleeves and putting together the perfect outfit, all he had was an idea, a name.

“I am Spiderman,” Peter whispered to himself as he worked. He liked the idea of the name, Spiderman. No one would ever question if he was a boy or a girl, they’d all know just from the name. Peter smiled to himself and continued to stitch together the old clothes and fabric. He managed to pull together a sort of outfit, it wasn’t much, but it was a start. The clothes were loose and baggy so that he’d have an easier time hiding his chest. Peter stared for a few moments at what he had made, a big bright smile on his face. He had sewn the now sleeveless hoodie onto a light blue sweater to create a sort of franken-hoodie. Peter found old blue sweatpants that matched the blue sweater. He didn’t quite know why or how he and May owned so many matching blue and red fabrics and clothes, but Peter wasn’t going to complain seeing as it all worked out in his favor. By the end of it all, he had a mask, a hoodie, sweatpants, and makeshift boots.

Peter sat back, his hands were tired and shaky from so much sewing. He thought that with all of these new abilities, he wouldn’t have to worry about something as small as tiring his hands out from sewing. He had luckily made good time, seeing as May came home only 5 minutes after he finished. Good thing Peter was rushing himself, which was evident in the messy stitching around the sleeves of the new hoodie, or else he wouldn’t have had time to hide this outfit… costume? He didn’t know the proper technicalities of this yet, Peter was basically going into all of this blind, no plans or ideas. Just a need to help people. He shoved the clothes into an empty box and then slid that under his bed.

“Peter?” May called out, he heard the front door close with a squeak. Even though he had hidden the outfit under his bed, and there would be no way that May could ever find it just by merely looking into the room, Peter still made sure he securely closed his door as he walked out of his room and down the hall.

“Hey May!” He greeted as he entered the cluttered living room. May had been setting down a few bags on the kitchen counter, she turned and smiled at Peter.

“Hey bud! How was your day?” Peter shrugged and started towards the fridge. He hadn’t eaten anything since he started working on that costume, and boy was he hungry. Peter guessed that the spider bite had also given him a heightened metabolism. “It was pretty boring, did the usual y’know?” Peter reached into the fridge and grabbed a yogurt, “Just sat around, I worked on that lego set that I got a few weeks ago,” He said as he rummaged through the drawer for a spoon.

“Oh, the uh... Star wars one?” May tried guessing, well, emphasis on tried. Peter smiled at the attempt, letting out a small laugh. “Yeah, that one,” Peter confirmed, then directed his attention to his yogurt for a moment. He felt a shift in the atmosphere, May sat down across from him at the table. He could sense she’d say something serious in a few seconds, that made Peter a little more than anxious. “I talked to the school today,” May started. Peter instantly perked up, this is the conversation he’d been waiting to have with May for ages now. Now that Peter was really looking at her, he could clearly see the smile that she was trying so hard to hide.

“Yeah?” He asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

“They’re working now on confirming your transfer to Midtown High-” Peter was moments away from interrupting, countless questions just ready to pour out. May quickly raised her finger to quiet Peter. As if she could read his mind, she said,

“-And they’ve agreed to change your name and gender in the school’s system. You’ll have access to the boy's locker room and bathrooms,” Once May was done speaking, Peter cheered and stood up, he had moved so fast that he banged his knee on the edge of the table, causing it to shake and nearly tip over. Peter panicked as he slammed his hands down on the table to keep it steady.

“Yes! Yes! Thank you, May!” High school was only a few months away at this point, and for the longest time, Peter was scared that he wouldn’t be able to switch schools. Let alone get access to the boy's bathrooms and locker rooms. May sat back and watched Peter as he jumped around and continued to cheer. She’d never quite seen him this happy, it made May feel a sense of protection. She would do anything to protect Peter from harm.

TAGLIST: @xfallen-x-angelx @space-dyke-too-gay @vioislit @what-am-i-doong @im-sorry-who

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANNA BE ADDED TO THE TAG LIST

#peter parker #trans!peter parker #spider-man #spider-man: homecoming #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #mcu #ned leeds #aunt may #may parker #i have 3 chapters or so pre written #they will all be on ao3 #so if ya want more content... go over there :))

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everwizard · 5 years

Text

Addie’s Story

Note: Before you read this, please understand that this is heavily based off of my real life. All the events contained herein either actually happened or are summarized based on the reality of a certain time frame. That being said, these characters represent aspects of myself and this story is about how they would react to it. Also, in order to avoid deadnaming myself, I changed my childhood name in this story.

Trigger warning: assault, verbal abuse, death mention, depression

2006 - 5 Years Old

A small orange-clad child appeared in the mindscape. Logic, Morality, and Adventure stared at it. After all, new people don't show up very often. This was a sight to behold.

“H—hi.” waved the child. She was noticeably nervous. Her body was trembling and she stuttered her words.

Logic got up and walked over to the child. “Who are you?” she said.

“A—ADHD,” the child replied.

Logic regarded this child. She had never heard of an ‘ADHD’, much less knew what it was supposed to be. “What do you do, exactly?”

“I don’t really know. What do you mean?” ADHD could feel Logic’s calculating eyes burning into her. This made her all the more nervous.

Morality stepped forward. “Well I’m Morality. I tell Morgan what things are right and wrong. I also help with feelings!”

Adventure joins. “I’m Adventure. I deal with Morgan’s fun and well, her adventure.”

“Yes, and I’m Logic. I am Morgan’s memory and everything she knows about everything,” Logic finished. “So what do you do?”

“I… I still don’t know. All I know is that I’m supposed to be different or something.” ADHD wished these people would stop asking all these questions.

“That’s okay,” Morality started, “take your time. Let us know when you figure it out.”

ADHD smiled. “Okay. I promise.”

2008 - 7 Years Old

“ADHD!” A shout came from somewhere in the mindscape.

ADHD appeared. “Yeah?” ADHD took this time to see who had called her. It was Quinn. What did Quinn want?

“You did it again,” Quinn replied, almost as if reading ADHD’s mind.

This was very unclear to ADHD. “Did what again?”

“You made us forget again. Morgan had an assignment due today but she didn’t do it because you made us, more specifically, me, the person who does it, forget.”

ADHD’s heart sank. I let them down again. I’m such a disappointment. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“You never mean to! You just do things! No matter what happens or who it hurts!”

ADHD swallowed hard. Stop! I know, okay!? You all hate me. I don’t need to exist. I just make everything worse. “I’ll do better next time. I promise.”

“You better.”

2009 - 8 Years Old

ADHD stood in her room. There had been another fight with Quinn and the others. Like always, it ended poorly.

"They always blame me for everything. They never take responsibility." She moved to sit on her bed. "I'm the reason Morgan has no friends. I'm the reason Morgan always forgets to do things.

"It's not Rylie's messed up right and wrong. It's not Quinn thinking she's better than everybody. It's not Adventure being too forward. It's me. It's always me."

July 2012 - 11 Years Old

Quinn called a group meeting. Everyone was there. Well, everyone except the new girl. ADHD doubted anyone even knew there was a new girl. She had been hiding out in ADHD’s room since she arrived and she rarely came out.

Quinn called the meeting to order. “As you all know, Morgan is starting at a new school soon. It has to go perfectly.”

The group nodded in understanding. They did not want this next year to go as poorly as the last.

Quinn continued, “Rylie, you’re in charge of making Morgan some new friends. Journey, you need to find Morgan some new hobbies and interests. I will be in charge of Morgan’s studies. And ADHD? Just stay out of the way.”

ADHD nodded. It was the same every year. Nobody can know about me or they’ll think we’re crazy. “Understood, Quinn.”

“Good. Does anybody have any questions?” Nobody raised their hands. “Good. This meeting is dismissed.”

The sides headed their separate ways; Journey, Rylie, and Quinn probably going to assist Morgan while ADHD retreated to her room to spend time with her new friend.

“Hi Sadness,” ADHD said calmly, “I’m back. How’s it going?”

“Same as usual, I guess,” Sadness replied. “Still sad.”

ADHD hummed. “I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Could you tell me one of your jokes?” Sadness requested.

“Yeah.” ADHD thought for a moment. “How does the ocean say hello?”

“I don’t know,” answered Sadness. “How?”

“It waves!” ADHD could see Sadness’s lips turn up ever so slightly. It was enough for ADHD to know she helped. Any time Sadness felt more upset than usual, she often asked ADHD for a joke. ADHD knew they were bad but she felt happy knowing that it at least helped a little.

A few moments of silence passed. ADHD was fidgeting with her fingers as Sadness layed on the bed. Sadness spoke up.

“Hey ADHD?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how the others all have names? Do you have one too?”

ADHD thought for a moment. This was the first time anybody had asked her for her name. The others didn’t care for her enough. To them, she was just a disability, getting in the way of their important work.

“Yes I do. It’s Addison.”

“Can I call you Addie?”

“Sure.”

May 2015 - 14 Years Old

Middle school had been okay for the most part. Morgan had actually made some really good friends. Some of them were coming along to Morgan’s new school while others went to the rival school.

Eighth grade had probably been the Sides’ best year in a long time. Addie certainly thought so. So too did Sadness.

Addie looked around her room. A few posters and various other merchandise littered the walls and shelving space. She had recently discovered a new trait of hers. She didn’t have a name for it other than fandom obsession. It might be just a phase but she wasn’t so sure.

She decided to try to locate Sadness. They had gotten really close over these past few years. They bonded over being the outcasts.

The three other sides eventually found out about Sadness when Rylie realized she could no longer control those emotions. Sadness came out of hiding and introduced herself after the others asked Addie too many questions about it.

The other three decided it was fine to let Addie and Sadness have their kinship because it was better for everyone that way.

So Addie strolled on over to Sadness’s room and knocked on the door. “Sadness! It’s me!”

Sadness opened the door and allowed Addie in. “Hi Addie. It’s good to see you.” The corner of her lip turned up slightly.

“It’s good to see you too! Wanna hang out today?”

“I always want to hang out with you,” Sadness replied.

Addie smiled and moved further into the room. Sadness followed and the two began their leisure time.

August 2015 - 14 Years Old

Addie and Rylie could often bond about things that excited them. This was one of those moments. Journey was in on it too this time around. The three were caught up in a moment of euphoria that they had not experienced in a long time.

Suddenly! There’s a flash and before the trio knew what hit them, there was a girl dressed in green standing before them.

“Who are you and what are you doing!?” Journey demanded.

“I’m Luck but you can call me Lucy,” said the girl. “And I just saved Morgan’s life.”

Addie, Journey, and Rylie took in what just happened. Sure enough, Morgan was picking her bicycle off the ground and there was a person sized dent in a nearby minivan.

“We hit that car,” Rylie observed.

“Yeah. You did,” Lucy replied. “And if I hadn’t been here, Morgan would be dead. Pay more attention next time.”

Addie began zoning out. This was all her fault if only she had just paid more attention. If only she had put in some thought into what she was doing. Morgan could have died and it would have been all her fault. “I… I need to go.”

And with that Addie left.

She fled to her room and was unable to stop the tears as the started to flow.

November 2015 - Age 14

This wasn’t how this night was supposed to go. It was supposed to be a good night that Morgan could enjoy. Not like this.

Addie held herself tightly, fingers digging into the fat just below the ribs.

She wasn’t the only one in shock, though. Everyone was. Even Lucy didn’t see this coming.

It had been a good night until Rylie prompted a text to Morgan’s mom. Morgan was loyal and Rylie wouldn’t stand for anybody disrespecting her family. Not even different members of the same family.

That text set off what Morgan eventually consider the worst night of her life.

“We should have just kept quiet,” Addie muttered.

“Yeah,” agreed Rylie. “This is all our fault.”

Memories flashed through Addie’s mind. Memories she knew she would never forget. Morgan clutching the porch. Listening to the verbal abuse, all the harsh things said. Morgan’s sister in hysterics ten feet away. Trying to be brave. Facing down Morgan’s grandmother. A slap across the face. Being shaken by the shoulders. So violently, still clutching the porch. The grandmother grabbing Morgan’s long dirty blonde hair and trying to drag her inside a stranger’s home. “May I have my phone back?” Morgan asked after it was over. “No you may not,” replied the grandmother.

Now they had nobody. No way to contact the outside world.

Nobody knew what to do as they listened to the people around them placing blame and verbally attacking Morgan.

So they did nothing. This was, in fact, their fault. They could have left it well enough alone.

This was the night that ruined everything.

This was also the night that Sadness became Depression.

September 2016 - 15 Years Old

They had been going to therapy. It was really helping.

Addie was learning more about herself just as Morgan was learning about herself.

They had learned more about their neurodivergence as well as the gender and sexuality spectrum.

Addie now had words for all the weird things that made her different. Hyperfixation, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, stimming. All these words that explained why she was the way she was.

There was another word she learned, though. One that had nothing to do with ADHD. Non-Binary.

This word made a lot of sense to Addie. This word describes us, she thought.

"Quinn, can I talk to you?" Addie asked the air.

Quinn materialized in Addie's room. "Yes Addison, how can I assist you?"

"I wanted to talk to you about this word that I think describes us."

"And what word is that?"

"Non-Binary."

"Ah yes," Quinn started, adjusting her glasses, "a term relating to the gender spectrum in which one feel they are neither male nor female."

Addie nodded her head. "Yeah. I think we might be that."

"An interesting observation. I'd have to say that I agree. We should check with the others first, however, and see what they think."

Addie didn't need to see what the others thought. That little validation was all she needed. From this point on, she was a they.

And they were happy.

May 2017 - 16 Years Old

Therapy had been going very well. The treatment left everyone feeling healthier and happier.

Well, except for Depression. One can't feel happier if one can't feel happiness. The therapy was working for them though. It boosted their mental state so they weren't constantly depressed.

Today, they were in one of their better moods. One of the best in a long time. Camp was about to start and Morgan was finally going to be able to work.

Depression called for Addie and they arrived just seconds later.

"Addie," Depression started, their mood shifting to nervousness, "You know how I'm the only one who hasn't shared their name?"

Addie's eyes lit up. "You mean it's time!? Can I get the others?"

"Yeah but before you do, I want to say something."

Addie nodded, listening.

"This is all thanks to you." Depression enveloped Addie in a hug as Addie's face turned red. "I couldn't have done it without you," Depression whispered.

Addie returned the hug. This was nice. They were so happy and honoured to have been such a big help to Depression, even through all these tough times.

The pair broke apart. A red tint lingered on Addie's face and Depression's lips were slightly upturned.

Addie cleared their throat. "Everybody! Get in here! Come quick!"

One by one, the remaining four sides joined Addie and Depression in Depression's room.

"What's the matter?" Quinn asked. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. Depression has an announcement they'd like to make."

"Go for it!" Rylie chirped, pumping her fist in the air.

"Um, okay," Depression started. "The reason I called you all here is to tell you my name."

"Go on," Lucy urged, folding her arms.

Depression took a deep breath. "My name is Dierdre. But please call me Dre."

Quinn nodded. "Dre," she repeated. "I like it."

It was Dre's turn to blush now. The others were so supportive. They didn't expect this but it's all they ever wanted.

Dre had never felt this warm. They felt almost happy.

March 2018 - 16 Years Old

The group had come to a conclusion. They were, in fact, non-binary.

It wasn't a sudden decision. There had been a lot of thought and questioning involved. It happened gradually.

Addie was the first to identify this way, then Dre. Quinn and Journey joined next. Then Lucy. Today was the day Rylie finally joined.

Rylie had made the announcement a short bit ago. Everyone had welcomed them into the group. It had been a difficult process for Rylie and Addie could tell they were overjoyed that everyone was so accepting.

A voice rang out through the mindscape. "Everybody please gather in the main room. This is important." It was Quinn's voice.

Addie popped out of their room and into the meeting place. They waited patiently for the others to arrive.

Once everyone was gathered, Quinn spoke up. "I called you all here because we have an important decision to make that we need to make as a group."

"Alright then," Lucy started, "out with it."

Quinn ignored the sudden interruption and cleared their throat while adjusting their tie. "Yes, well. It seems Morgan needs a new name. And because this is such a big decision I wanted you all to be here.” A beat passed before Quinn continued. “Does anyone have any suggestions?”

A few ideas were thrown out and Quinn wrote each of them down.

“What about a name that means ‘new’?” Addie suggested. “Like how they’re starting a new life as a new person.”

“Sounds cool!” Journey chirped. “Exciting!”

Everyone hummed in agreement.

Quinn began listing off some examples of names that mean new. “Neo, Gen, Primus, and Newton are a few that I know.”

Lucy voiced their opinion. “Those suck!”

“I don’t know, Neo sounds pretty cool,” Dre argued.

A small voice perked up from the back of the room. “What about Nova?” Rylie asked.

Quinn hummed. “It means new and I quite like the space connotations associated with it.”

Journey jumped up. "Sounds cool!"

"I agree," said Lucy.

"Yeah," replied Dre.

Everyone turned and looked at Addie. "What do you think, Addie?" Quinn asked.

Addie smiled widely. "I love it."

May 2019 - 18 Years Old

Nova finally graduated high school. It was a rough journey for everyone but at least now it's over.

The sides we're all looking forward to something in the next year. Journey was ready to start as a camp counselor. Rylie wanted to make new friends and perhaps even find a love interest. Quinn was ready for a break. Lucy was excited for the thrill of saving Nova's life. Dre couldn't wait to get an emotional support animal. And Addie was happy to finally be themself.

They were finally fully accepted by the other sides. Rather than putting them down, the others would try to work with Addie to solve the problem.

A lot of people grow out of ADHD but in this case, ADHD grew with a lot of people.

#personal #novas thoughts and ramblings #novas sides #sanders sides #my sides #my writing #writing #writeblr

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thatgaydemigodnerd · 5 years

Text

A little bit of Both pt. 2

Tw: transphobia, misgendering, panic attack

This is part two of my three part fanfiction, the fanfiction as a whole is about Roman discovering their gender and trying out different identities, in this part they use non-binary.

This part has a happier ending than the last part but it still doesn't have a fully happy ending, this will be fixed with the third part.

This is for @fander-pride-meetup week two, representation.

If you want to be tagged in the following part of this fic, please message me directly, I don't often see asks.

Roman was a girl.

She felt like a girl, thinking of herself as a girl just felt right, it felt good.

Until she wasn’t.

Roman was confused, she thought she was a woman, but recently... It just didn’t sit completely right with her when she lumped herself with the girls, going to the girls toilet felt weird too, not bad per se, but weird.

She thought that maybe she’s non-binary, would they fit more? They thought about it and realized that that doesn’t feel as weird as she.

They excitedly grab their phone to call their friends so they could share the news, before pausing. Patton is still ignoring them so they’re ignoring Patton back out of spite, and Logan is a truscum who kicked Roman out of his room, and probably also out of being his friend. Then there was Virgil. Virgil had been bad about the pronouns but Roman had gotten sick of being misgendered and corrected him on his behaviour, and he has improved. Roman had to punch his shoulder a few times but he got the hang of it eventually, and Roman was really happy about that. Roman debated whether they should call or text Virgil, but then they remembered his anxiety and how getting a call out of nowhere was really not good for that so they decided to shoot them a text.

Princess charming: virge I got something exiting to tell you

Roman laid back on their bed as they waited for Virgil to respond to their text. They stared at the ceiling where they hung up glow in the dark stars years ago. They felt their phone buzz and saw that Virgil had responded.

Patches: Go ahead.

They thought for a moment about how to best tell his current best and only friend.

Princess charming: I think I might be non-binary

Princess charming: could you try using they/them pronouns for me?

Patches: Alright, I’ll try, and remember, punch me if I get it wrong.

Princess charming: yeah, I’ll hold you to that

Roman smiled and put away their phone, they’re glad that Virgil is trying now. Roman had felt so lonely, Virgil actually using she for them was the only good thing in weeks, it helped Roman get up and get out and feel better about themselves.

Their phone buzzed again and Roman saw it was again from Virgil

Patches: Wanna hang out in 15 minutes?

Princess charming: sure, I’ll bring snacks

Patches: cool

Roman slightly cringed at their own name, reminding themselves they’d need to change it but pushing it off until a later date, instead they got up and went to the kitchen to grab a bag of Doritos and make their way over to Virgil’s house. They lived like five minutes away if you took the car but roman decided they needed some fresh air so they walked.

They got there a minute or so late but Virgil opened the door with a smile so Roman knew that he hadn’t been freaking out over that. They followed Virgil to his room only stopping by the kitchen to grab a bowl. They were laughing over some stupid joke Virgil was telling when they stepped into his room and Roman stopped dead in his tracts, there, sitting on Virgil’s bed, was Patton, tapping away at his phone.

Roman walked backwards around the corner and out of sight of Patton but it was too late, Patton had heard Virgil walk into the room and looked up to just about see Roman disappear behind the corner. What pissed Roman off was that you couldn’t tell from his voice that he was avoiding Roman, you couldn’t tell from anything at first glance that he was avoiding Roman. But Roman knew he was.

Virgil had turned around to look at Roman only to see they were hiding outside the room, he followed them and stared at Roman, kinda surprised, kinda pissed.

“Why are you hiding? It’s just Patton, you used to be friends.”

“He’s been avoiding me so I’m gonna avoid him back.”

“He has not! You’re just reading into things too much.”

“He totally has, I don’t remember when he last gave me a hug, and he’s not sent me a single text since I came out as trans, we used to brainstorm together all the time, but now? Nothing.”

“Even then, are you sure it’s not because of something else?”

“What else could it be? He’s clearly not okay with me and I am allowed to not be okay with that.”

Virgil threw up his hands in exasperation and turned around. “Whatever, you can either come in and actually have fun with us, or you can go home, it’s your choice.”

Roman stood in the hallway for another ten minutes, debating their options, but the sounds of Mario kart and laughter and screaming did eventually lure them in.

“I see you’ve finally made up your mind.” Virgil said casually not looking away from the screen as he maneuvered around a giant wiggler and activated his mushroom. Roman didn’t say anything as they sat on the bed next to Virgil and grabbed a controller, watching as Virgil and Patton battled for first place. The race ended when Virgil threw a banana right in front of Patton and raced past him to finish first, almost half a lap in front of all the computer players.

Patton and Virgil finally looked away from the screen and smiled at each other before Virgil got up from the bed. “I’m gonna grab a drink, anyone else want anything?” he asked and turned towards the other two. They both declined his offer and watched him leave the room.

“So, Roman, long time no see.” Patton said awkwardly, finally acknowledging the other person.

“Yeah, because you’ve been ignoring me.” Roman said with a low almost growl, their eyebrows scrunching up out of anger.

“No I haven’t, I just... Haven’t had the chance to talk to you I guess.” Patton looked down with guilty eyes.

“Yeah right, in all the past months you’ve had no chance to talk to me, we’ve hung out together but you didn’t talk to me then.”

“I...” Patton started but was cut off by Roman.

“And don’t even get me started on all the times you could have texted me or called me. You have a pretty open schedule, you don’t even have a job, yet you didn’t have any time whatsoever to message me?”

“You...” Patton tried again but was again cut off.

“I what, I was avoiding you too? That was only after you started avoiding me, I got so sick of being avoided and ignored by you I just stopped talking to you. It hurt to not be your friend anymore but you didn’t treat me as a friend anymore so I had no choice.”

“But...” Patton’s voice had become squeaky and soft, barely audible. Roman still didn’t give him the chance to speak.

“And of course all this conveniently started the moment I came out to you as trans. You know what? Just say you’re not okay with it and be done with it, don’t continue to pretend we’re still friends when your actions clearly contradict that. It would save us both a lot of trouble wouldn’t it?”

“Of course I’m not okay with it! It’s not right! You’re born as the thing you are and you can’t change that!” Patton yelled out, his face red from shame but also a little bit from anger.

Roman teared up but harshly rubbed their cheek to get rid of the tears. “Have you ever considered the other side of this? My side? Have you ever considered what it must be like, to be so confused about yourself, you’re not sure about anything, but you know what feel right, and what feels right happens to be being a girl, or being non-binary? Because my feelings matter too, and you hurt my feelings.” Roman was full on crying now but they didn’t dare stop. “I felt so alone after you started avoiding me, especially when Virgil was misgendering me constantly and after Logan kicked me out of his house for not having dysphoria. I fell into depression, I didn’t leave my room for weeks on end, just crying, staring at the ceiling, and eating. And that was because of you.” They we’re staring Patton directly in his eyes now. Patton had slowly begun crying too, though not as much as Roman.

Patton didn’t say anything for a full five minutes. Just breathing heavily as the tears streamed down his face, he wanted to look away from Roman but found that he couldn’t move.

“I...” Patton said but closed his mouth again, finally he looked away from Romans, looking down at his hands instead. After another minute, he spoke again, so softly it was almost inaudible.

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? Sorry is not gonna cut it. You made me miserable and I’m supposed to just forgive you because you said sorry?”

Patton was curled up in on himself, almost trying to make himself disappear into thin air.

Roman turned around and made towards the door but they were stopped when Patton called out for them.

“Wait, please. You don’t have to forgive me, but I still am sorry, and I’m willing to show that to you, you used to be my friend and I can’t believe I let something as stupid as this cloud my judgement. Please, if there is anything I can do to make it up to you, tell me. I’ll do it.” Patton was looking intensely at Roman as they turned around, anger still clear in their eyes.

“You can start by using the right pronouns, which have changed to they them by the way. Do that and then we can talk further.”

Both Patton and Roman jumped a little when Virgil cleared his throat. Turning around again Roman saw him leaning against the door frame with a smug look on his face.

“Took you two long enough, glad you made up.” He said as he sipped on a glass of Gatorade.

“You set this up?” Roman said, feeling betrayed.

“I was sick of our friend group being divided so I decided to help you two get along again.”

“How dare you.” Roman said, angry again but now directed at his friend.

Virgil looked confused. “What do you mean? I helped you, Patton finally understands you, that’s a good thing right?”

“It’s not your decision when I’ll forgive Patton, it should be my and only my choice when I decide to forgive someone who has hurt me. You took that away from me and forced me when I wasn’t able to prepare, both physically and mentally.”

Virgil was staring wide eyed at Roman as he realized what he’d done. He started curling in on himself and his breathing became harsher as he started rambling to himself. “Oh God I fucked up Romans gonna hate me and I’ll have broken up our group even more and Roman will become lonely again and she’ll become depressed again and it’ll all be my fault and she’ll hate me for it.”

Roman recognized Virgil was having a panic attack and stood in front of him. “Virgil, focus on me, it’s okay, I’m here, remember, four seven eight, breathe. Come on, breathe with me.” They said as they started breathing exaggeratedly, following the pattern of breathing in for four seconds, holding they’re breath for seven seconds, and breathing out for eight seconds. Virgil tried following their lead and managed to steady his breathing, he put his hand over Roman’s heart to feel their heartbeat, letting the steadiness calm him down more.

Roman lead Virgil over to his bed and sat him down next to where Patton was sitting, who had been watching this all silently. Roman sat on the other side of Virgil and gently rubbed his back. “Don’t worry, I’m still here, I won’t hate you.”

Virgil fell back on his bed, his eyes half closed but his breathing normal. Roman fell back on the bed next to him and gently punched his shoulder twice. Virgil looked at them with a raised eyebrow.

“You misgendered me twice, just keeping to our agreement.” They said with a smile. Virgil smiled too before full out laughing.

“Can we just for now agree not to yell at each other anymore and just hang out for today, I’m exhausted.” Virgil said while stretching out on his bed.

“Agreed.” Roman said.

“Yeah.” Patton added as they nodded. Standing up and reaching for the wiimotes they had dropped on the floor when the yelling started.

Roman smiled a small smile, thinking they could get used to having more than one friend again, silently being glad Virgil made the decision for them.

Taglist:

@geronimo-scamander-spd @cataclysm-al

#sanders sides #ts sides #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #ts roman #ts patton #ts virgil #roman #patton #virgil #trans roman #non-binary roman #fanderspridemeetup2019 #tw: transphobia #tw: panic attack #tw: misgendering

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viostormcaller · 5 years

Text

Ego Headcanons: Jackieboy Man

I meant to do this yesterday night but I had schoolwork and then I had a headache and was burnt out, so whoops! But I'm doing it now! Just like the others it's probably gonna be long so ya know. Here goes:

Jackie has adored superheroes since he was little. The superhero persona he is seen as is actually just a silly character he made up when he was younger, but he kept the name because of the sentimental value behind it. It took the city a long time to take him seriously, and even then not everyone does

Jackieboy Man is transgender! He was born female, and over time saved up to get top surgery. He wasn't able to get bottom surgery because he had to start focusing his money into upgrades for his suit and equipment, which he figured was much more important

This is also the reason why his hero name is Jackieboy Man. When he created the character as a kid he was adamant about being seen as a boy. The name meant a lot to him, so he refused to change it when he became a superhero

Jackie's real name actually is Jackie -- it was the name he was born with. Because he sees it as a gender-neutral name, he didn't feel the need to change it after his transition

Jackie went to a fancy prep school in high school. It was around then that he got his powers. He still doesn't know how it happened. He had been trying to get his phone that slid underneath a parked car, and for whatever reason his brain told him to lift it. He did, and found the car weighed virtually nothing. He almost dropped it on himself in surprise.

He became a student by day, crime fighter by night. This made his studies difficult, but he managed through it. Once he graduated, he got a job at a comic book store and used any extra money he had to try and design a suit for himself. For the time being he wore a red hoodie fitted with shoulder and chest pads, he wore kneepads over a pair of leggings, and he wore gloves and boots as well as his signature mask.

Jackie is insanely intelligent. Like, insanely. He's an absolute master at puzzle solving and is extremely well versed in technology. He invents things often and is an impressive coder.

Once he saved up enough to make his first armored suit, he started taking on more difficult enemies rather than just fighting robbers and criminals. However, because the police saw him regularly turning in these people, they grew to trust Jackie and eventually partnered up with him. He began earning money through the city and was able to quit his day job before long

On the side, while Jackie was hunting down the supervillains that lived in the area, he was also on a secret mission to hunt down people on the Deep Web. He was forced to give up the case after he had been kidnapped, his captors not quite realizing who they were dealing with

He met Marvin when a powerful villain attacked a theater. At the time, this villain's skills were about on par with Jackie's, so taking them down prover to be tough. When Marvin revealed he knew real magic, they teamed up to take the villain out

Jackie, figuring a partner was just what he needed, offered to meet up with Marvin that next weekend to get to know him better. Marvin accepted and they went out for pizza and talked everything over

After a while of teaming up and growing close, the pair moved in together.

They may not be brothers or related by blood in any sense of the word, but they might as well have been. They were rarely seen without each other. They never fought, and their interests overlapped so they always had something to talk about

They made it a habit of theirs to always cook something for every meal. Marvin was an exceptional cook, while Jackie was still learning. Marvin taught him some things that he knew, and on mornings and at night they both cooked together. Every meal was home cooked, no matter how simple it was

They were both usually home during the day; since they both earned money from the city, they didn't have any obligations. They both dedicated this time to research and studying, and they would spar occasionally

Jackie and Marvin both suffer from gender dysphoria. On a day that it was particularly bad, Jackie revealed to Marvin that he was transgender. After Marvin revealed he was genderfluid and he understood where Jackie was coming from, Marvin offered to use transformation magic to finish off Jackie's transition. Jackie agreed, and while he swore he had never been in so much pain in his entirel life, he still feels eternally indebted to Marvin because he did that for him.

They met Schneep on a night Jackie was gravely injured. The three felt a connection between each other and stayed in touch after Jackie and Marvin both recovered, and refused to see any other doctor after a while. They moved in with him once Schneep bought a house.

Jackie, like Schneep, is also pansexual. Unlike Schneep, however, he hasn't been in many relationships because he was too afraid he'll put his future partner in danger by being in a relationship with him. Moreover, he's constantly busy doing hero-related stuff, so he doubted he would have the time.

Schneep once made Jackie a picture of him in a comic-book style. Jackie had it framed and hung it up in his room, right over his bed. When Schneep found out Jackie did that, he teared up

Jackie is up the earliest out of all the Egos. He spends the mornings doing research, and then cooks with Marvin once he gets up. He goes on patrols at night

Jackie's powers include super strength, super speed, the power of flight, the ability to envelop his fists in green flames, and a sonic clap (which he only uses if he absolutely must; it's extremely dangerous and destructive). He excels in melee combat which compliments Marvin's ranged combat

When Jackie's using his powers, his eyes will glow a bright green, and if he's under a lot of strain his veins will glow faintly green as well. When this happens he knows he's reaching a limit

Jackie is the most optimistic. He's also the most silly (with Chase coming in close second). Chase and Jackie share a lot of jokes together, which is how they grew closer. Jackie often uses his optimism to cheer Chase up when he's feeling low.

Jackie can actually be one of the most serious Egos when he needs to be (though Schneep will always hold first place on that front). He knows when to joke and when to be focused, and is often seen as the leader of the household because of his commanding presence when he's serious

Jackie and Jameson often work out together. Jameson is almost as physically fit as Jackie is, because in his time he did all his own stunts. He may not do them anymore, but he didn't want to stop exercising regularly, and knowing Jackie often worked out he went to him for advice on keeping a good regimen.

During the day, when he's not researching, Jackie is more often than not checking in on Schneep and making sure he's doing alright. He feels the need to he Schneep's protector, just as Marvin does with Chase. Especially after his kidnapping, Jackie wants to keep Schneep safe. He's usually there to ground him during flashbacks and panic attacks. The two are rather close and spend quite a bit of time with each other talking about work or venting general frustrations. Jackie's optimism and general bubbliness counteracts Schneep's serious attitude, and while Schneep reminds Jackie when to be serious, Jackie reminds Schneep when to loosen up.

Jackie loves movies, but sadly doesn't have a whole lot of time to watch them. He also adores retro video games, but agrees the modern ones are super cool, too. His favorite game is easily guessed.

Jackie's favorite superhero, like Jack's, is Spiderman. He sees a lot of himself in Spiderman, and on the days he doesn't go on patrols or research he's often seen playing the most recent Spiderman game on the PS4. He wants to 100% complete it.

Jackie doesn't rely on coffee as nearly as much as Schneep does, but he does drink a cup to help wake himself up in the mornings. He drinks his with a bit of cream, that's it.

Jackie can easily lift the others. Sometimes he'll sneak up on someone and lift them up, carrying them in his arms and spinning them around while laughing.

Jackie is a HUGE cuddler, and has a very tight hold. He's also a heavy sleeper, so if he falls asleep, good luck getting back up! He's always the big spoon

Most of his research is dedicated to tracking down Antisepticeye. He has Marvin help with this, since Marvin has more knowledge on demons than he does. However, Schneep, Chase, and Jameson also all have had direct contact with Antisepticeye and offer up any information they gathered. They all work together as a team to gather knowledge and keep track of common traits, symptoms, and telltale signs that Anti is active. Jackie also relies on the community and Jack's channel for information, since the community finds things first. This information is given through Chase. Jameson has only been in contact with Anti once, but his knowledge that he gained in his experience is also helpful to Jackie and isn't overlooked.

Jackie doesn't get sick often, but when he does he gets hit hard. Schneep is the one who takes care of everyone when they get sick, so every time Jackie comes down with something he gets all sappy and thanks Schneep for being a doctor and helping them. When he's sick, he's an emotional mess, but he does mean everything he says.

Jackie never makes a promise he can't keep, but he also never breaks his promises either. He's probably the most dependable out of everyone

I think that's everything for Jackie! The headache hasn't gone away so if I felt I missed something I'll probably add it in a seperate post. Same with any of the Egos, actually. If I need to add something I'll just make a continuation post and add it there. In any case, there's one more Ego to go! After that I'll clean out my inbox, though because I'm currently feeling shitty and moody I may not open prompts for a little bit, like a few days or so. But yeah, that's Jackie's list done!

#jacksepticeye #jackieboy man #septicego hc #septicego headcanon #vio stormcaller #long post

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