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queerlilacroses · 3 years

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Nothing to fear but fear itself (TW Blood, Murder, Biphobia)

Richie had always been afraid of werewolves, ever since he was a little kid the thought of them sent shivers up his spine. He didn’t know if it was the sharp claws, the big teeth or the fact it could be anyone, watching waiting to turn him into his worst fear. It has also been theorised that werewolves are a metaphor for a specific sexuality, bisexuality, not many people believe that bisexuals exist, at least that’s what Richie hears when he attempts to come out.

“There’s no such thing dear, I mean you can be gay or straight I don’t mind I know you’ve always been an odd child but there’s no such thing as both”. He had lamented over that loss for a while, honestly he know lots of people wouldn’t understand but his own mother! That was his biggest disappointment.

So he ran out on her, hiding in the Clubhouse™ that his good friend Ben had built, waiting hours until his best friends Bill, and Bev came frantic down falling down the hole of the clubhouse, “why didn’t they use the stairs”, he wondered aloud forgetting that he had disappeared without letting anyone know and it had been all day since he had ran out on his mother.

“WHY DIDN’T I… I was looking for you you’ve been missing for 6 hours you dummy”

“I’ve been wounded Bev darling, I…wait SIX HOURS”

“Yea is s-something wrong”

Whilst his friends had accepted him all those years ago Richie was still paranoid about his bisexuality despite knowing he wasn’t gay or straight there was a nagging doubt in the back of his mind watching, waiting to creep up on hm like a horror movie jump scare that made him spill popcorn all over the floor like an idiot.

The problem with horror movies is they are real; Vampires, Zombies, Witches and of course Werewolves which are the worst of them all. The first time Richie had seen a werewolf had been in a stupid movie , a teen movie, “supposedly a romance” Bev had mentioned nonchalantly as they walked past it at the Aladdin and well it was, for the first 20 minutes or so then it turned out the lead had a secret…the movie plagued him for months after that day after day, night after night all he could see was the male lead chasing him waiting to turn him into a werewolf. He never knew what to do or where to go Richie was traumatized.

Eddie, had been a new confusing figure in his life, they had met at gig which Eddie had helped organized and hit it off but there was something about him Richie wasn’t so sure of. Was it the smell of wet dog despite Eddie claiming to be allergic? Was it the fact that he refused to wear the silver chain that Richie got him as a present? Was it his oddly hairy body? Or was it the fact that anytime a full moon was around no matter what Eddie would make and excuse and disappear so nobody would see him for days. It confused and scared the hell outta him so he had to confront his ‘boyfriend’ he isn’t sure honestly they haven’t labelled what they are yet and Richie’s kinda nervous that’s because Eddie doesn’t wanna be with a bi man and whilst all these thoughts are in his head he’s overthinking again and he needs to talk to Eddie.

“Eds,” “Urgh what?” “Are we like?” “Like what Richie use your words” “Are we boyfriends?” “no we’re Italian farmers who love growing tomatoes of course we’re boyfriends” “Geez okay I’m just making sure”

“Especially cause you’ve been acting so weird, I mean I hardly see you, anytime you stay it’s daytime and the two occasions that we’ve stayed together you’re like a magician here one minute and then disappeared the next like some cruel trick it’s not fair Ed’s, I wanted to move forward with this relationship but it’s so hard when I can’t, don’t, know? Do you understand what I mean?

“Uh no? Why would that ever make sense babe” sighed Eddie although he understood Richie well and knew him inside and out he didn’t understand how his brain worked? His ADHD flickering from thing to thing topic to topic and although Eddie could sometimes be known to ramble he couldn’t keep up.

“Well I mean with you? Why are you avoiding me at night? What’s the big secret?” Richie teased.

“I’m a werewolf”

“WHAT”

“I’m one of those creatures you know the ones that come out on the full moon I turn into a wolf howl at the moon y’know all those stereotypes”

“WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT! YOU KNOW ABOUT MY FEAR OF WEREWOLVES”

“I’M SORRY BUT YOU ASKED. THIS IS WHY I’VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU! I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO BE SCARED OF ME YOU ASSHOLE”

“I…what”

“Yea I remembered you saying that you were terrified of werewolves since you were 12 so I’ve been trying to avoid transforming and all the side effects around it whilst I’m around you so I guess that seems like I need to avoid you and I mean there’s the murder”

“MURDER”

“Well I mean it’s not exactly murder more people get in the way of me as a 7 foot tall wolf and unfortunately I think my instincts kick in? Although it could be deer, but there’s been bodies found and I…”

“BODIES!!?! BODIES AS IN PLURAL !!?!”

“Richie can you stop yelling, it’s been a long night I’m tired and sore, honestly I just want to rest…”

“WAIT WHAT, YOU WERE OUT LAST NIGHT? Like it was a full moon ? I’m sorry I have to go call Bev or something, I-I can’t.

“WHERE ARE YOU- it’s your never mind” Eddie sighed as his voiced tailed off his head in his hands. This hadn’t been the way he wanted Richie to find out, honestly they’ve only been together for a few weeks and as soon as they talked he found out about his fear of werewolves and was horrified, he knew it might potentially be a dealbreaker and although he didn’t want to lose Richie. He had known that at one point that he’d have to sit down and tell him the story of the doctor, decided that his mother, who was a maniac bringing him to the hospital every time he even touched the ground too hard convinced he’d broken or dislocated his ankle needed something to worry about properly and turned him into a werewolf whilst he was at one of his many stays when he was eleven. His mother had been far more protective when she had found out, it was as if she had been normal beforehand, complete and utter curfew (“back straight after school Eddie-bear don’t talk to anybody, you don’t want them to find out!”), bars on the windows and even restraints at night as she was too paranoid, which wasn’t fun, especially as every night he just kept breaking out of them which in turn scared his mother more and more.

Shakily Richie reached into his pocket for his phone that he’d grabbed in his haste to leave the apartment building, as it rang the word murder went in his stomach over and over again. “Hello?” Oh good she answered he wouldn’t have known what to do with himself otherwise I mean…. “Helloooo??” Oh right yeah she’s still on this phone.

“I-I Eddie, and…”

“What’s wrong with Eddie, depth breaths calm down and try to try me what happened.

“He.. he.. he’s a monster, a werewolf a murderer I don’t know if I can do this” sobbing he knelt on the pavement holding the phone thinking about how he didn’t want to lose Eddie, the problem was that he loved the shorter man despite them only dating a couple of weeks and he knew about the dangers of dating a monster.

They had learned about it in school which only fuelled Richie’s fear further the teachers explaining about scientific experiments gone wrong and turning ordinary people into creatures that could climb into his slightly opened window in the dead of night and maim them or if they were dating whilst in transformations they would completely forget their partner, ending up harming them. Listening to this had made him scared to moved his bed and slept under his window to make sure nothing got in, freaking out anytime a bug crawled on him.

“A werewolf? Yea probably. A murderer? Probably not and an I mean a monster definitely not. Don’t you love him? Don’t you want the chance for him to prove you wrong, honestly you’ve been scared for far too long. All this time people have been putting ideas into your head about ‘this that and the next thing to do with monsters and no offence Richie but I’m sick of hearing about it, time to march back to your apartment and make your own decisions about Eddie.

“Yea, yea I guess you’re right, I should maybe go back? I.. okay Bev darling I’ll speak to you later”.

Sitting up he decided that it was time to get back, not realising it was getting darker and darker as a full moon approached.

Waiting for Richie made him terrified he was transforming in an hour and he had no idea what would happen. Would they break up?? If they did it would be so much worse, the adrenaline in this body taking over, making him more angry and upset and he knew his wolf side would harm anything that got in his way, which could include his caring but stupid and scared boyfriend. Hearing the door creak open his head perked up realising that Richie hadn’t let for that long and that probably meant bad news, knots grew in his stomach as he waited in anticipation for Richie to say something, anything whilst looking at the clock ticking on closer and closer to his time of transformation.

“I’m home babey! I wanna talk to you, my love” he said in a singsong voice. This wasn’t good, he honestly knew Richie’s speech patterns very well and he almost never called him babey unless there was a big problem or something was wrong.

“Yea I’m in here what’s happening”

“I just wanted to say, I talked to Bev and she put things into perspective, I think I love you and I shouldn’t judge you based on what happened when you were younger and I should try to get over it, I wanna keep dating you so I think it’s a good idea to see you at least once.

“Wait wait you want to stay with me? HOLD UP YOU THINK YOU LOVE ME”

“Well yea, I guess? I know we’ve only been dating for a few weeks and technically I only found out a few days ago but I have really strong feelings for you and I think I love you”.

“ I … okay… really don’t know what to say I love yo…” but before Eddie could finish off his sentence something happened, it was supposed to be a strange scary thing but Richie didn’t feel scared all he felt was concerned H could see the pain manifesting on Eddie’s face as he twisted and turned and hair grew from his body turning him taller, more muscular and then into a wolf.

Werewolves, although potentially not less dangerous were smaller than the stories, and Eddie didn’t seem to want to attack him honestly? Richie was very confused and conflicted between everything he had ever heard and feared vs the man who was his boyfriend who had just turned into what looked like a slightly taller dog still vigilant just sitting there. Well until it started talking, but you never hear about things like that when people are attempting to scare you.

“Well aren’t you going to say something? You’ve been looking at me in a daze for the last five minutes like I get the idea of you being scared like yea but can you please snap out of your like -why are you- dude why are you laughing?” Forgetting he was a wolf he attempted to walk over to Richie and ended up falling over four paws”.

Doubled over in laughter Richie realising his boyfriend was an idiot as a wolf decided that there something they needed to talk about “Eddieeeeeee we need to talk soooo I also have a secret”.

“Okay, and it is?

“I’m boisexual, well actually I’m bisexual but we both know I couldn’t come out without a pun”

“And an awful one at that I mean, what does that even mean rich? But honestly I know you told me about the time you dated Bev before she started dating Ben so I just assumed, why is that like a problem?”

“Oh…I- forgot about I just -I assumed like most gay guys you wouldn’t be down to date a bisexual guy I mean most of my life I’ve been told I don’t exist and-“

“Wait who told you this, how many people told you this? You know they’re wrong right I mean you’re bisexual”,

“thanks I means it was mainly my mum and a couple of ex-boyfriends, some teachers and stuff you know”

“Do you want to get your own back?”.

Richie looked at the small wolf in surprise thinking about how he could play pranks and stuff or what they could do in order to get his own back but Eddie had something else in mind.

“Do you want to come with me to kill them”

Maggie Tozier, was baking in the kitchen humming a light tune whilst taking a pie out of the oven, she hadn’t spoken to her son since he turned sixteen and came out as bisexual for the third time to her disbelief that it wasn’t a phase and after she decided not to accept him they both just stopped talking to each other and then a year later he up and left.

As Richie made his way to his childhood home with his boyfriend in tow he looked at his mom and realised there was no turning back, it was now or never, he could talk to his mom get clarification? If it all went wrong Eddie would be there to make sure he’s okay. Walking in announced he saw he face drop and her mouth open, unfortunately it didn’t seem to be in a nice way. “What are you doing here” her voice laced with disappointment at seeing her thirty-odd year old son standing in front her for the first time in years waiting for her approval or acceptance at last, but that would never come. “Do you still think you can live in cloud cuckoo land and date both boys and girls, I hate to tell you baby but people are going to take advantage of you, I don’t see a ring if you’d just stop all this nonsense I could-“

Before anyone knew what was happening Eddie had lunged at Maggie and grabbed at her arm to bite her, Richie frozen in shock and horror couldn’t do anything except gape at the site as he could see she was losing more and more blood out of her arm, thinking realising he didn’t have many options his adrenaline kicked in, he pondered back to all the times he’d been told he was invisible, bisexuality didn’t exist or he was a monster for trying to invade both communities and he snapped. Grabbing a butcher’s knife from the kitchen he could see his mother attempting to back away muffled screaming, and stabbed her stomach, hearing the organs squishing made his feel better so he did it again and again until he was cover in a pool of blood, surrounded by his mother whilst he was sobbing, Eddie in a corner waiting on him.

“I just murdered my mother”

“Well yea, I just thought you’d hurt her a little honestly but that was a full on murder, but I think she had it coming? Do you want to get cleaned up?”

“Mhmm, that’d be nice, but the problem is I liked it, I enjoyed stabbing her, is that weird?

“Weeelll that depends on who you ask, me, I’m fine with it I mean I enjoy maiming people as a wolf but to normal person I guess?? Hey do you wanna murder people when I’m in my wolf form”.

“You mean people who deserve it right? Not just random people on the street because I don’t know if I enjoy it that much”.

“Yep yea sure of course I won’t pressure you it’s only been your first murder after all”.

That next night was the final full moon for the month and Richie was trying to think who he would want to murder next, one of his teachers who made him terrified of werewolves, one of the executives who said he’d never get a job in comedy (look at him now!) or one of his biphobic ex-boyfriends who made him feel so disgusting and pathetic that he decided not to date for six years and when he at last did date ‘forgot’ to disclose his sexuality every date he went on.

Tracing down his ex-boyfriend wasn’t as difficult as it seemed just follow the scent of disappointment and go to the nearest seedy gay bar. Julian, who was happily walking towards his car according to the police report, was ribbed in the heart with a duller kitchen knife as if to mimic a broken heart. One arm was ripped off and had teeth marks in it as if it was created by both man and dog.

Waking up next to Eddie, was one of the nice things about existing having had one of the weirdest dreams of his life, although as the blood dripped from the mattress that he couldn’t see he did know one thing though.

He wasn’t frightened of werewolves anymore.

#reddie #reddie au #fanfic #writing #it chapter 2 #hallowren's spooktacular it project #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #beverly marsh #tw murder #tw blood #tw biphobia #tw gore #ask me if there's anything you want me to tag #this is my first lil writing project #werewolves #some of my formatting is awful but i copy pasted from word and i I don't care I'm just proud to have finished!

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petitepistol · 4 years

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CHAIN OF SWEETNESS

5 THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER.

this is hard because i have to separate elena from how she exists in canon from the elena i have built up for myself in my mind, so in the interest of brevity im choosing to focus on the canon aspects that deeply drew me to her to begin with and continue to feed my fascination and frustration with her to this day

ONE elena is a minor character. like, take her out of the story of the game and nobody would bat an eye. the writers dont really know what they are doing with her at any given moment, so she is this half formed mess of anachronistic traits. that can be really interesting and really challenging to try and flesh out, especially when you factor in how disconnected she is from even the characters closest to her and what those interpersonal dynamics must be like. even among the turks she is an outlier, new to the team and hellbent on diligently doing her job despite not having the same ghosts as the rest of them. before crisis tries to touch on that with her sister, but that just muddies the waters further providing conflicting motivations that they never really address. because, as stated initially, she is a minor character. and that means the exposition is something i have to do, not canon.

TWO despite being a minor character, from a mechanics standpoint she serves a purpose. her first appearance is there to give you an important lead on the big bad, her narrative purpose in the wutai subquest means you get both a party member and a forge fragile armistice with the turks. during the icicle portion if you get knocked out by her, she drops you off in gast’s house, which might mean the devs were using her to guide less skilled players into viewing missable but important lore. this extends to the compilation, where she is utilized off screen for the jenova head in a box debacle, and in before crisis to pad out the plot a little longer by getting kidnapped. from a game design perspective her existence is validated not by good writing but by being a deus ex machina and i have learned to love that as much as i hate it.

THREE she occupies a space where you can throw just about a billion tropes at her and it can work. people don’t usually realize this, but for such bit player you can do a lot with her. also if you wanna write snappy dialogue you can let this girl just say fucking anything. nothing is off limits coming out of her mouth, because there is so little to go off of and what data there is can be interpreted so broadly. that also means you can write her as downright sociopathic or as an unlikely altruist, leaning towards either of the extremes or staying dead center in the middle of the road. the only limitations are that of the perceptional biases of the writer.

FOUR that she is the highest level of the turks in game will never not make me ridiculously happy. i love that this so called clumsy rookie is the most difficult to take out in a fight with the rarest gear. if you wanna hear more about aspect that go here.

FIVE hnnnnng pretty girl who can kick my ass please step on me unga bunga

5 10 PEOPLE ON HERE YOU LOVE, AND WHY.

there are so many wonderful people i want to give accolades too that i often find it hard to do these kind of daisy chains, and even now im cheating by doubling the number. that still isnt enough, so to those who arent on this list i have to say i love you too but the powers that be and my own shyness turned off the mic before the speech ended

ONE forever amused by how both @makeupandmateria and @madamdirectcr are not only incredible to me as a player, but elena as a character. we are in love with this surprising supportive mean ladies coterie. swiftie plays an elegantly dubious scarlet to the hilt and manages to bring out the best in everyone. lottie brings an uncanny sensitivity to scarlet that makes you think while being so sweet and engaging outside of play.

TWO speaking of girls muses supporting other girl muses @heavenlyfighter and @cultivatxr are a dynamic duo and im lucky enough to be in talks with both of them. jessica plays a lovely tifa who has such a melancholy imbued to her strength while not only tolerating my flakiness but being so understanding, while phoe has had a perfect grasp on aerith for what feels like an epoch always letting that same vibrancy spill out into reality.

THREE so @animus-inspire and @urbdev-assistant are two peas of positivity in a pod and i adore them for it. one them plays an understated hero who has the capacity to do great good even when aligned with evil and the other has taken the adage about there being a great woman behind every great man and elevated an npc into a brilliant character. both are fantastic.

FOUR shout out to @missionheartcd and @rude-at-your-service for being not only the best coworkers elena could ever had but being consistently delightful out of character. not only do i want to play more with their characters, i also appreciate their support.

FIVE thank you to @warofthebeasts and @inanisvitae for putting up with my inexplicable affection for sephiroth. kevin is so patient with my persistent poking and prodding and you could not find a more passionate advocate for either character development or friendship than maria.

5 SONGS EITHER YOU OR YOUR MUSE REGARD AS A ‘GUILTY PLEASURE’ THAT ALWAYS MAKES YOU SMILE.

these are mostly mine but may or may not apply to elena from some twisted meta perspective also this was hard because i have no guilty pleasures my tastes is flawless (this definitely applies to elena as well unless we are talking about her taste in men which is terrible lmao sorry im just bullying tseng he is actually pretty cool)

ONE you cannot have this type of lists without ABBA represented and while this is almost a lesser known track of theirs, i have liked it since i heard it in childhood playing through the records my mom owned. the lyrical content is very shinra-core and while i dont think elena ever dated a middle aged fat cat for money as a teen im certain she considered it

TWO as a kid i didnt like the indomitable miss spears because i bought into regressive attitudes towards female sexuality while not recognizing she was being exploited by the industry, but i have grown. elena agrees with the sentiment of “you better work, bitch”

THREE im not ashamed of my love of god queen shiina ringo but at the time i first saw this video i was not prepared for the gratuitous badass lady nurse on sexy female patient malpractice action it featured and that was what made it a guilty pleasure

FOUR everybody loves george michael and that includes me. this piece from his wham! era is almost too peppy, but i am an absolutely a sucker for imagining brutal fight scenes with anachronistically cheerful songs playing over the carnage

FIVE rounding things off is an obligatory recent weeb jam. well half of this combo is american but you know what i mean. i love the combination of classic funk and whispery vocals echoing into an unrepentant cry of “fuck you motherfucker.” coupled with the blonde in the video intercut with the OL being joyfully liberated by her train ride? elena vibes

Tagged: @madamdirectcr @animus-inspire Tagging: you!

#ooc #whew lad im bad at these things because im so shy about tagging others but it was worth it

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perspective-series · 4 years

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Lilliputian Perspective (5/10)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Fear, threats, and mention of injury

(Check the reblog for the links to any future chapters)

—————————————————————————————————-

Roman finally reach his cave, the sun setting fast but still giving bits of light. He was pulling several carts behind him, panting all the while. “This better be enough food for you!” He shouted as he entered the cave.

Logan smiled, touched by Roman’s efforts. “Do you need a hand?” He asked, noticing how the Lilliputian struggled.

“...Yes, please.” Roman said, moving out of the way so Logan could grab them. He looked over towards Patton and nodded at him. Might as well be civil if he couldn’t get rid of him.

Logan took the carts one by one, moving them towards the back section of the cave that could be considered his area. He looked them over, finding a large assortment of meats, veggies, fruits, and cheese. “This is impressive, how did you manage it?” Logan raised his eyebrows, digging into one of the carts after giving the meat a sniff. It there were any bones, Logan found them easy enough to chew.

Now that they knew, Roman didn’t bother hiding the fact he stole them. “It was difficult, but I ended up having to do each cart one at a time. And from different areas, as to not raise too much suspicion.” Roman explained.

Patton frowned. “So you did steal it.” Patton sighed at Roman’s grin.

“Yep! You’re welcome!”

“I do appreciate your effort,” Logan admitted, pausing between mouthfuls. “But this isn’t exactly what I meant by a sustainable source of food. Surely you can’t do this forever. Or very long at all, in fact.”

Roman frowned. “I can do it for as long as I need to.” He huffed. Though...Logan did have a point. What were they going to do?

His thoughts were halted for a moment though when he noticed something on Logan’s arm. “...What’s that?” He asked and Patton tensed.

Logan glanced at his arm, only now remembering the tent that had been balancing there. “Oh, right. I do apologize, but Patton suggested I use your tent.”

“What? Why? What happened?” Roman turned to Patton, expecting an answer. Patton bit his lip.

“Well...I needed some water. And so did Logan, so we went out and got some...and then we may have...run into the bandits that had been chasing after me.” Patton explained, looking down. Roman blinked.

“I’m sorry, what?” He asked.

“I have a slight wound.” Logan cut to the part about the tent, pointing at his arm.

“Not that! You bumped into more people! And you just let them go!” Roman yelled and Patton winced.

“They said they wouldn’t tell anyone!” Patton tried to defend but Roman just glared.

“And you believed them?!” Roman glanced between Logan and Patton at that.

“Not particularly,” Logan admitted. “But I trusted Patton’s judgment.”

“I didn’t think it was right to keep them trapped here,” Patton admitted and Roman groaned.

“Well, get ready for the freaking army to come through because they definitely told the king already!” Roman exclaimed.

Patton paled. “An...An army?”

Logan stopped his eating, beginning to grow concerned. The singular sword had not harmed him terribly, but a Lilliputian army would certainly possess enough firepower to do him harm, especially if he kept trying to harm no Lilliputians himself.

“What? You think the king would ignore something like this? Even coming from a couple of criminals, he would send people to go and check it out.” Roman explained.

“Well, it’s possible we will remain unharmed here, considering the incident happened at the lake.” Logan reasoned. “Although we’ll have to find a new water source.”

“We can only hope.” Roman huffed. “No one is leaving this cave though, that’s for sure. We can’t have anyone finding us.”

Patton nodded. “Right, okay.” He was quiet for a moment. “...Sorry.” He whispered, looking down. Roman blinked and sighed, going over to awkwardly pat Patton’s back.

“Look, you can’t help that you have one of those pure hearts or whatever. Just be more careful next time.” Roman said, before taking his hand away and moving away.

“What would you have recommended?” Logan asked quietly, keeping his voice down. “For future interpretation.”

Roman thought for a moment. “...I don’t know. I mean, taking them back here doesn’t sound like a great idea either…” He hummed. “Probably should have thrown them in the ocean. You could probably throw pretty far, right?”

Patton’s eyes widened. “No! We can’t kill them!”

“I never said kill, I just said throw them in the ocean!” Roman tried to defend himself.

“It’s not a terrible idea, assuming Lilliputians can swim?” Logan looked to the two in front of him for confirmation.

Roman grinned a smug grin towards Patton. “Yes, we can...usually.” He added as an afterthought.

“No! We are not throwing anyone into the ocean!” Patton exclaimed, not believing he had to actually argue this.

“Actually, on second thought, that would still be impractical.” Logan pointed out. “They would either drown, which would be immoral, or they would swim back, and we would be back to square one.”

Roman pouted as Patton sighed in relief. “Well then, I’m out of ideas,” Roman admitted. “You shouldn’t have been seen in the first place.”

“Well, I cannot just stay in this cave forever.” Logan sighed. “But there is no way to guarantee that I avoid detection.”

Roman sighed. “You make a good point...we need to work towards actually getting you out of here and back home.”

Patton frowned. “But...how?”

Roman bit his lip. “I...don’t know. Logan, any ideas?”

“Well, with the right lumber I could build a raft.” Logan suggested. “Although it might be difficult to find enough trees large enough, and it wouldn’t be a subtle process gathering it all. Not to mention, it would take me quite some time to build it.”

“Well...that might be our only option. Cause it’s either that or you stay here forever, eventually, get caught and probably chained up as some sort of war machine for the kingdom.” Roman said and Patton whined at that, not liking the idea of Logan being put in that situation.

“...I prefer the raft.” Logan said, setting down the cart in hand with a few remaining vegetables. He suddenly had lost his appetite.

“So do I,” Patton whined and Roman sighed.

“We all do. Look, I don’t want to see you get caught, Logan. You’re a...good person. And while I usually don’t hang around those kinds of people, I’ll admit it’s kind of nice.”

“You hardly know me, but the sentiment is appreciated, Roman.” Logan gave him a soft half-smile.

Roman smiled back and then yawned. “Well, we can think up some more plans tomorrow. I am exhausted.”

Patton nodded, also yawning after watching Roman. “Yeah, I am too. It’s been quite the day, wouldn’t you guys say?” Patton asked, chuckling a little.

“Absolutely.” Roman agreed.

Logan gave a large yawn of his own, already beginning to lie down.

Roman made his way to his bed but Patton hung back, biting his lip. “Uh...where can I sleep?” He asked and Roman blinked.

“Oh, right, um…” Roman looked around and went over to a pile of his things, digging through it. He pulled out a sleeping bag with a grin. “Knew it was here.” He handed it to Patton, who took it.

“...Did you-”

“Yes, Patton, I stole it.” Roman cut him off with a sigh. “I thought we already established this.”

“Right, sorry,” Patton said. He didn’t really feel comfortable using a stolen sleeping bag but he didn’t have any other choice, apparently. He set it at the foot of Roman’s bed and climbed into it after setting his backpack up like a pillow.

Roman climbed into his own bed. “Logan, feel free to lie down anywhere...just as long as you give us enough space.” Roman didn’t want to become a pancake due to Logan rolling over.

“Relax, I’ll be back here.” Logan scooted further into the cave, away from the Lilliputian dwellings. He was not known to rock in his sleep regardless. “I don’t suppose you have anything I could use to prop my head up?”

“Uhh…” Roman looked around. “...You could use that pile of gold?” He pointed with a shrug.

“Roman, that wouldn’t be very comfortable,” Patton said from the floor and Roman huffed.

“I don’t know what he usually sleeps on, maybe he likes that kind of thing!” Roman exclaimed, although even he highly doubted that.

“I’m not a dragon.” Logan rolled his eyes at that suggestion. “No matter- I expected not. I shall just use my arms.”

“Sounds good.” Roman yawned. “Well, goodnight.” He said, before lying down and curled up under the covers.

“Goodnight!” Patton said back, doing the same. There wasn’t a lot of cushion between the hard cave floor and his sleeping bag but it did the job.

“Goodnight,” Logan repeated the sentiment, settling in. Despite the relative uncomfortableness of the cave floor, and the slight chilly draft floating in from the ocean, Logan found the setup quite suitable. After all, he was still exhausted, and within just a few minutes he was fast asleep, peacefully snoring away.

***

Virgil rode through the forest, atop his horse along with several of his knights. Er, his father’s knights. They weren’t his, of course, not yet anyway. Night had fallen already and yet they saw no sign of the giant the bandits were talking about. Virgil sighed, he should have no it was some sort of joke or something. Now, he just wasted his knights’ time and they would all see him as a bad ruler.

Virgil was just about to tell everyone to turn around and head home, when a nearby night stuck his arm out, effectively stopping Virgil and his horse. “What? What is it?” Virgil asked and the knight looked at him.

“You don’t hear that, Sire?” The knight said and Virgil blinked. He was about to say no, he didn’t, when he paused. A deep, rumbling sound echoed around him, shaking him to his core. So much to the point he couldn’t believe he hadn’t heard it before.

Virgil gulped, that didn’t sound good. With his heart threatening to beat out of his chest, he motioned for the knights to follow him as they hopped off their horses and went closer to the sound. Soon, it was clear the sound was coming from within a cave, a...rather large cave, Virgil couldn’t help but notice.

Hesitantly, he led the Knights towards the mouth of the cave and looked into it. Everyone froze as they took in the sight before them. A giant, just as the bandit’s had said, sleeping inside the cave. Virgil’s mouth went dry at the sight and he took a step back in fear.

“Sire? What should we do?” A knight whispered to him and now all the attention was on him to make a decision. He let out a shaky breath.

“We...We need the army.” Virgil spoke, doing his best to remain calm. “And-And something to tie the giant up with and we need it before he wakes up.” As Virgil said this, no one moved. He turned to them. “That means go!” He whisper yelled at them. They got into gear, running back towards their horses and heading back to the castle. Only Virgil and one knight stayed behind to keep watch of the giant.

“...Please don’t wake up.” Virgil mumbled as he stared at the giant.

Logan moaned, his body feeling sore from the way he slept but at least his mind was well-rested. However, as he began to try to get up, Logan was puzzled to feel his legs were...restrained?

Logan opened his eyes, gazing in surprise as what had to be at least several hundred Lilliputians stood in front of him in the cave mouth, all frightened and all armed. Well, so much for secrecy. In the crowd, Logan could also pick out Roman and Patton, who were both bound and gagged.

Looking down, Logan’s hands were bound at the wrists, with what appeared to be many layers of tiny ropes all braided together. With a flex of his wrists, Logan could tell it was relatively sturdy, but he imagined if he tried he could break through. Logan Imagined this was the same sensation keeping his ankles tied together, and wondered how the Lilliputians had managed all this in the night while Logan remained asleep.

Roman yelled but it became muffled due to the gag in his mouth. Patton, who was on his knees next to him, had tears in his eyes. He had one knight watching him, while Roman needed two to keep him still. His eyes widened, suddenly, when he saw the prince walking around the cave.

“Sire! The beast is awake!” A guard shouted, backing away from the giant. Virgil swallowed as he looked up and met the giant’s gaze. Okay, he could do this. He could do this. He took a step closer and immediately regretted it, but he didn’t move back.

“...D-Do you speak?!” Virgil asked, wincing as he heard himself stutter. Hopefully, this giant didn’t catch that.

“Yes,” Logan answered, watching as a more regal-looking figure in black and purple approached him. He kept his answer short, wanting to stay cooperative.

Virgil’s eyes widened in surprise. Okay, that made things easier...right? “Okay, then tell me why you are here? And who are they?” He motioned towards the two lilliputians tied up as well. “Are they your captives?”

“Ah...no.” Logan decided, thinking back on it. “This is Roman’s cave, and he allowed me to stay here. Patton has been assisting me as well. I come in peace, I washed up on your shores sometime in the night yesterday.”

Peace? Could that be true?

“Do not listen to it, your highness.” His advisor came up to him and spoke. “It is a beast and cannot be trusted, do what is best for our people.” Virgil winced but nodded.

“R-Right.” Right, he couldn’t let the beast trick him. He curled his fists, gaining the courage to look back up at the giant. “Beast, you are hereby under arrest! You and your lackeys will be coming with us.” Virgil spoke, happy to note he didn’t stutter that time.

“Alright, first of all, not a beast,” Logan said, remembering Roman and Patton’s fears upon first meeting him. “I do not, and will not, consume any Lilliputian. Secondly, your highness, with all due respect, how do you intend to take me under arrest without my assistance? After all, I do believe I have done nothing wrong.” Well, aside from trespassing on the island, but Logan could not help that.

“You being here is wrong!” A random guard shouted from the giant’s right.

“Yeah!” Another agreed. Virgil’s advisor stepped forward, glaring at the beast.

“We are not going to wait around for you to do something.” The advisor spoke. Virgil bit his lip, he knew they were waiting on him to give orders but the giant was also right. How were they supposed to get him out of here? His eyes glanced towards the lilliputians who had helped this giant and he got an idea. Not a very...nice idea but he had to do something.

“If you do not come with us.” Virgil began to speak. “Then we will hurt your partners in crime.” He hoped this worked.

Patton’s eyes widened in fear, while Roman’s narrowed in rage. He started to struggle more and another knight had to come to hold him down.

Logan frowned. “Why would you hurt one of your own? They’ve done nothing wrong, and I hardly know them.”

“They committed treason, helping you, you beast.” His advisor spoke. “It was a nice try, Sire, but this beast does not seem to care for its slaves.”

Roman practically growled at that. He was no one's slave! Least of all Logan’s! Unfortunately, he couldn’t even struggle anymore due to how many men were holding him down.

“Well, that’s a bit harsh.” Logan darkened his gaze, not liking that particular Lilliputian. He turned back to the regal figure. “What are you, the king? Do you often let your men speak for you? Where I come from a leader like that is called a coward.”

Virgil ducked his head, cowering at the giant’s look. “I-I’m the prince…” Virgil murmured in fear, taking a step back.

“And you, beast, have no right to speak to him in such a way!” His advisor said back and Virgil winced. Why was he still talking? Couldn’t he see that it was just making the giant angrier?

“I do believe I’m done speaking with you,” Logan informed him, his eyebrow twitching. What an insufferable man.

The advisor looked livid and like he was about to speak again anyway, when Virgil placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “Please, I-I can handle this.” Virgil lied. His advisor huffed but stepped away, turning his back towards the giant.

Virgil turned to face the giant again. “I’m...sorry about him.” He never did like his father’s advisor.

“Apology accepted,” Logan assured him, wanting to remain civil. He looked out amongst the crowd. “But are all these theatrics truly necessary? It seems the only thing that’s been created is tension.”

“How can we know that you are telling the truth?” Virgil spoke, feeling a bit more confident now that the giant wasn’t glaring at them. “The people-er, my people are afraid and I-I have to do what is best for them.” Virgil let out a shaky breath once more. “If...If you truly don’t mean any harm, then come with us willingly.” Virgil tried, despite not thinking it would work. It at least gave him more time to come up with an actual way to get this giant locked up.

“Well, I would, but you’ve tied up my legs.” Logan reminded him, glancing back briefly at his feet. “And regardless, I am more than willing to cooperate, but I will not come as a prisoner.”

“Um, well, you really don’t have much of a choice in that,” Virgil said hesitantly. “The people would feel safer if you were locked up, at least until, uh, we...figure this all out?” Oh geez, this was quickly falling apart on him.

“Do you even have a cell large enough to encase me?” Logan asked, always of a logical mind.

“Uh, well not a traditional one,” Virgil admitted. “But we’re making...arrangements.” Arrangements being metal chains big enough to hold the giant in a more open cave that was closer to town.

“What sort of arrangements?” Logan pressed.

“...chains?” Virgil revealed, although due to a few glares from a few of the knights, he figured he probably shouldn’t have revealed that. Or anything. He was really bad at this.

Logan considered this. He wanted to cooperate with the Lilliputian government to show he meant no harm, and this prince seemed willing enough to cooperate in turn.

“Alright, I will come with you.” Logan finally agreed. “But, in exchange for my compliance, I have conditions.”

Virgil blinked and stood up a little straighter. “What sort of...conditions?” He asked hesitantly. He glanced back towards his advisor, who was back to glaring at the giant.

“First, you release Roman and Patton.” Logan nodded towards the two who had helped him. “Second, my legs will need to be untied so that I can have the mobility required to cooperate.”

“Sire, I don’t think-” His advisor tried but was quickly silenced by a look from Virgil. He then glanced between the giant and the two lilliputians.

“...Okay. Untie his legs!” Virgil ordered, before turning to the guards holding the lilliputians. “Let them go.”

The guard did as told, though it was clear they didn’t like it. As soon as Roman’s hands were free, he ripped the gag off. “Finally! How dare you silence me!” He shouted, glaring at the guards. Patton was glad to be free but he was looking at Logan worryingly.

The guards ordered to untie Logan’s legs were far more hesitant, slowly inching closer to do just that.

“No need,” Logan assured them, noticing how nervous they were to get close. “I can manage myself.” He shifted slowly around, trying not to terrify the army too terribly as he sat up. Though it was a bit difficult with his wrists still tied, Logan found the correct pocket easily enough. He pulled out his swiss army knife, taking the blade and sawing at the ropes entangled around his ankles.

Virgil, along with Patton, Roman, and everyone else in the room, stared in terrified awe at the sight of the giant knife. Most took several steps back, even more wary of the giant than before, knowing he was armed, despite not even needing to be.

Virgil slowly realized the giant could have gotten out of the bonds at any moment. And yet he had waited specifically for Virgil’s permission.

Virgil didn’t know what to make of it.

#gt #Giant/tiny #thomas sanders #sanders sides #infinitesimal!sides #au #lilliput au #human!logan #giant!logan #lilliputian!patton #lilliputian!roman #lilliputian!virgil #platonic #lilliputian perspective #part 5

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evanstanhoney · 4 years

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Shawmila Tarot Reading 4🔮✨

Sorry for how late this is but at least it’s here? I pulled these 09/6 & 09/7. I pulled quite a few cards this time to get a full picture. I asked four questions, one about them as a couple/the relationship. One with Shawn being the focus, one with C being the focus and then one about them in the near future and ooooo boooyyyyyy.

Let’s start with the first question I posed which was ‘Where are they right now, as it stands?’

Him

Ace of Pentacles (Reversed): This card is all about instability. In the context of a relationship it means that he is no longer feelings stable in a relationship. Where it once brought him happiness he’s now feeling anxious and vulnerable, but in a not so good way. It’s also a card that can signify missed romantic opportunities which I find interesting. In the context of the rest of the cards I’m wondering if it simply means he missed a chance with happiness?

The Relationship

King of Pentacles (Reversed): This card can be several things. It can be a person, who is controlling on a partnership( this is interesting considering later cards that I’ve pulled that you will see later on). It can also signify a period of coercion, manipulation, jealousy and emotional insecurity. Having this card in this position tells me that this is by no means a healthy relationship at this point (clearly) and that one of them (based on the other cards I’ve pulled it’s C) has been and is being incredibly manipulative, but not from their perspective/necessarily intentionally. Not to mention the last time I pulled for them I got that they were over/a choice has been made as to where to go in the relationship, and thing we’re looking up for Shawn. So I think that she’s may have manipulated her way back into a relationship with him.

Her

Five of Wands (Reversed): A perfect card for a manipulative Pisces haha. I joke. But depending on who you stan/from where you view this relationship, this card makes Shawn kind of look like a dick tbh. OR it makes her seem like a manipulative genius (but in combination with the other two honestly I personally feel it’s the latter). But essentially what this card insinuates is someone that is trying to keep the peace in a relationship. Trying to avoid conflict and in doing so may be neglecting their own needs in an attempt to avoid any conflict. However, with the previous card, I get the impression that her avoiding conflict was her twisting things in her favor. I do not get the impression that this was some malicious thing though!!! I want to be clear I don’t think she’s an evil mastermind......I just think she’s a Pisces lol . She feels emotionally neglected, which makes sense because Shawns card is about his anxieties in the relationship so I get the impression that he kind of is neglecting her 😬. Now if you think she deserves it or not it’s up to you. But it feels like two people in a relationship and only one of them is trying. Which goes hand in hand with other things be pulled for them in the past! I always get something along the lines of her working hard on the relationship, or her work not paying off. It’s very consistent!

Bascially what I got from this spread basically is that she’s not fully letting her needs be known, and he’s not doing anything to find them out because he’s kind of in his own miserable buble about the situation and as a result neither of them are happy.

Next I asked about Shawn and where he was at mentally/ emotionally at the moment and pulled the following cards;

The Devil: I literally said “yikes” when I pulled this. This is arguably the worst card to pull for a relationship spread. On the card itself it’s the two lovers literally in chains, trapped by the devil. It’s a card about codependence and feeling entrapped and unfulfilled. What stuck out to me most about this card, especially considering the other cards I pulled for them is the fact that it’s a card about disregard for your partners feelings.(literally what did I just say lol) Now, this can be seen as really really bad, OR simply a misunderstanding depending on who’s eyes your seeing the relationship from. From C’s point of view he’s being a straight up dick, ignoring her needs and wants and focusing on himself and what he needs from her. On the other hand, it could be that he is just so wrapped up in his own head, and feelings of discontent that he’s blind to what she needs. Which is where I think I’m at here. Either way you have to admit.....it’s not a good look for him. You could argue that it’s only fair that her wants go ignored seeing as how she’s sort of manipulated her way back to him in the first place, but hey*shurg emoji*. This card is also interesting to me because of the codependency thing. It’s something that I know a lot of you have felt/mentioned to me and I have to agree. This also comes up again later on! It makes me wonder if the reason why they are still together is because they feel like they just can’t leave one another. And I get that impression. Something is keeping them both there. Idk what but it is something.

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed): Now this card I found SO interesting. This card is all about conflict between your love and family, and outside opinions on ones love life. This card in general I find interesting because it’s generally a family/security card. But in the context of this spread I see it as there being outside influences/opinions on their relationship. Not the GP, but those closest to them. For some reason I feel like this is about Shawn’s people? (Not people as in like his team but like friends family). I don’t know why, maybe because it feels as though he’s the one who is “suffering” the most between the two? Or at least more obviously. This is also a card about rough patches in a relationship or the sudden end to one. However based on the other cards I have I do not thing an end is the case. But I do think that unlike last time (last time being when they first got together) he is listening to those closest to him in regard to the relationship. The question is whether or not he will do anything about it....

Ace of Cups: Next to the other ones this one is a bit?????? In any other set of cards this card is a very positive card to have in a relationship spread. For this however it makes it a little bit more complicated. Because....I saw this as a “what could be”. This card is about new feelings/love, emotional awakening and letting go of emotional baggage. This is a card that encourages you to trust your gut and avoid over analyzing things. This can mean two things. This can mean that either a choice will be made to leave in where he will be happier in the end, or he will choose to ignore those outside opinions we talked about and work things through in which case there will be a new, deeper intamcy between he and C. Now.....with the rest of the cards I don’t see that. I think it’s the former. I think he will choose to walk away and he will be happier in the end. Or she will (which tbh I think will be the case). Either way I think he’s really on the cusp of some emotional growth tbh.

What I got from this spread is kind of like I said earlier, I think he’s in a spot doing some serious soul searching, with himself and the relationship. I wouldn’t say that he’s in a bad place but I don’t think he’s in a very good one either. But like he’s been the entirety of this relationship I think he is at a crossroads. I will say that, he’s not thinking long term! And he needs to be.

Then I asked about C and where she was at mentally/emotionally at the moment and pulled these cards. One of which you will find very interesting....I did anyway;

Four of Cups: This card is bleak. She is just...empty. This card is all about boredom and indifference, and feeling as though nothing is making you happy or passionate. This is an interesting card because like Shawn needs to do, this card calls for some serious self evaluation! Which considering them seemingly being in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy.....interesting.

Nine of Wands (Reversed): This card is interesting considering Shawn’s Devil card that I pulled. While his card suggests that he is ignoring her feelings, this one suggests that there are walls up. Which I find interesting because this is new for them! Before I got the impression that this was,at least on the surface, a very free open “happy” relationship and now it’s one with secrets and manipulation. Just interesting to note. This is also a card about a failing relationship and once again...being the only one putting in work. What I’m seeing here with this one and Shawn’s Devil is two people who are just on completely different wavelengths. There is a miscommunication, but there is also something there that is preventing them from leaving. I just can’t put my finger on what exactly that is.

Ace of Cups: Interesting right? Haha and honestly this could be a bad thing for those who are not a fan of these two. These two both pulling the same card, could mean that they will in fact work things out and have that deeper intamacy thag I talked about. But it can also be what it means for Shawn. That she’ll finally get the courage to walk away and end things with him and in the end find something that makes her happy. That she’ll let go of that emotional baggage and let her walks down for someone else (or like I said, Shawn). Just like Shawn she needs to stop over analyzing and start trusting her gut, which I belive is telling her to leave.

For hers I basically gathered that she’s not happy. She’s miserable but also I get the impression that to a degree it’s self inflicted. The same can be said for Shawn! I don’t get the impression that they are unaware of why they are suffering it’s just a matter of them doing something about it.

Lastly, I asked what’s in store for them in the near future, as a couple? Now this part....this isn’t so good. This is for if they choose to remain together, not them as individuals, thisnis important to rember.

The World: So this is very interesting because when I read for them on the 22nd of August I got this card for Shawn. Which is a very very positive card. It’s all about enlightenment and harmony and completion. This card alone would suggest that there is a happy ending for the two of them, one in where they would be together and in fact moving on to the next level of their relationship. But paired with the other cards I pulled for them, I see this as more of a “this could be you if you choose it to be” card. I think that there is the opportunity to be happy, and fulfilled and at peace, they just have make a choice on if they belive the relationship is worth it.

Two of Pentacles (Reversed): Again with the pentacles.....so this card is....not so good. It’s very bad actually. It’s a card that repsresents uneven or unbalanced commitment or effort in a relationship. A neglected relationship or partner. Based on everything that I’ve pulled to this point (and previous spreads that I haven’t posted) the way that I saw this card was that she is feeling neglected, like I’ve said I also think that in truth her attempts at trying to keep the peace and make things work, have turned selfish and in turn she is also neglecting Shawn and his needs. Maybe she has this idea as to what she wants this relationship to be like and she’s trying so hard to make this ideal but it’s just not working? But it’s one big neglecting fest in this house apparently.

Six of Pentacles (Reversed): This is once again...no bueno. It’s yet another card about a controlling partner. Which is not a coincidence! The power dynamic is off in this relationship! This is a card about taking advantage of love and someone in a relationship being taken advantage of. Someone is pulling the strings in this relationship and I think it’s C. She got the Five of Wands, and then Nine of Wands and now this? I don’t want to belive thay she’s doing this maliciously, but I do think with this just maybe she’s knows that she is being perhaps a little selfish and unfair in her expectations of him. And what she is trying to pull out of him. What’s interesting about this card is that it specifically talks about the other person in the relationship feeling trapped and dependent and if you rember I pulled the codependent Devil for Shawn in his solo spread. So take that how you will but I think that this all is pointing to her holding him ther through manipulation. She may even be holding something over his head to keep him there?

So what dose this all mean? I think that they have found their way back to one another. More accurately I think that she has somehow manipulated her way back to him. Unfortunately. And regardless of how you feel about the relationship.....it’s far from healthy. The vibe is way worse than before. I think they are both very unhappy. But for some fucking reason....they stay. But there is a choice to make, to leave and that choice will ultimately make them both happy in the end. Or they could choose to work through their problems and things will work out but based on the cards I’m seeing.....it’s best that they just walk away. There seems to be just too much negativity between them. One thing to note that could easily be nothing but because so many people belive in the PR storyline, i feel like I should mention it is the fact that there are multiple cards I’ve pulled that are associated with finances and money and money issues in a relationship. I don’t think it means anything but it’s worth noting for some I suppose? I do belive they broke up for a period of time but like I said....she Piscesed her way back. I will be pulling again. I’m not sure when but you’ll know when I post it!

Again as a disclaimer; I do not claim to be all knowing. I’m very new to tarot and just do this for fun so take all of this with a grain of salt, this is just my interpretation of the cards.

✨You can read my other readings here✨

#tarot #shawmila

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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Submissions from 🦚🌺

So took me a while to scroll through to my last tagged ask (for some reason searching didn’t work). So much about staying consistent and actually tagging my stuff from now on. Gosh uff. The one where sibling found possible drugs and the one about mom being xenophobic almost causing shut down as in passing out were me too. I usually either tend to forget to tag or I guess am kinda scared since I feel I send in A LOT? I really don’t know. It’s just a lot going on and I feel bad always (1🦚🌺)

I feel bad always throwing all my stuff at my friends. Especially as one friend a few years ago was diagnosed with depression. Idk what her current situation is tho except that she seems to do better. I won’t ask her since I feel weird about that stuff. Plus really unless she wants to tell me it’s none if my business. But yeah that’s that I guess. Now… I’ve been rejected from the art college/highschool unfortunately so that’s out the window. My therapist suggests volunteer year 2🦚🌺

Whivh we have a social and economic one of I think? Idk. I know social won’t work because of my likelyhood of social anxiety which kinda self explanatory I guess. Economic I’m just scared I wont be able to pull the whole tear through, scared to do stuff wrong etc. Hell I spent 2 low sleep nights crying after the rejection and mom forced the answer out of me when I clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Turned into an argument about how I got forced into abitur/regular highschool 3🦚🌺

And OBVIOUSLY she blames dad for it. Which like… great whatever he told her. My point is HE was more supportive in front of ME than she was. She just tore me down 2 years ago. Next week I dont have a therapist appointment since she will be moving. So I’m praying this week will go by smoothly. Well as smooth as it can go with all the arguments around here I guess. I’m still trying to process everything since March 4🦚🌺

1? 2? I’ve lost track of time … weeks ago she and her bf fought very badly and she essentially ran away for an hour, he claimed he is leaving but then stayed. My younger sisters were all crying, my brothers were just not surprised and I had to try call family members (which calling others is a physical challenge for me) trying to find a way to deal with what happened. My therapist knows about this incident. She now also knows moms bf smokes weed but not about what 5🦚🌺

else we found. I’ll see if I can bring it up soonish since it still worries me… my brother also later confirmed again he caught them snorting it so yeah most likely we are right about it being cocaine. I feel uncomfortable looking up the effects of it but my cousin said that could explain a lot of moms behavior. Shes always been this way I think.I right now dont even remember where I was going with this ask chain hhhh frick.I’m loosing track of myself once again please send help 6🦚🌺

(Have to switch to browser because app again refuses to let me send stuff wtf) My mom also is back onto “oh you just have split personality!” … I have informed myself on DID and OSDD, I have symptoms yes. But I doubt it’s that. In fact my therapist even talks about that stuff with me! I have different parts but mom doesn’t know they exist so idk. I tried to literally tell her how DID is made and she didn’t want to listen. She claims she did almost everything right and I’m making up 7🦚🌺

My trauma. So you would think that she would stay away from assuming such a trauma heavy diagnosis. Welp she actually doesn’t know anything about mental health either way and legit took my brother off his adhd meds years ago because “they changed him too much” and then refused to take him to appointments when we noticed signs of tourette in him because she felt like she fucked up as parent?? Wat?? I can’t make sense of this woman anymore tbh 8🦚🌺

Sorry that this is all over the place, it’s 1am for me rn, I cant sleep really, still am trying to process I won’t see my friend who I was looking forward to seeing this year for 2-3 years and who would have been a temporary escape from this hellhole until at least another year or 2 depending on the situation, being in the top 10 corona countries and in fact second most infected state in germany and really just switching between sliding down to a kid and /or almost passing out 9(?)🦚🌺

almost passing out when trauma responses shut me down and I just can not describe my emotions of the past months other than I just want someone to hug me and to feel safe and to feel like this mess at home and the world isn’t happening. My mind is all over the place and I feel like at this point I’m going insane and I’m not making any sense anymore. Again sorry for the probably stupid rant/,vent that probably made no damn sense idek anymore - final🦚🌺

So much about what I sent in yesterday hoping for the best. 3 hours ago I woke up to a message chain about how we (me and my siblings. We are 6 in total) apparently abuse her and use her. And basically just complaining about the tiniest things regarding chores. For example yesterday I completely cleaned the kitchen and she complained because some dishes stood around since people still ate AFTER I did the chores. Like tf. My friends say it seemed like from the screenshots that she is 1🦚🌺

using us as tools? Idek anymore. She also completely ignored me sending her and asking her stuff about the valounteer year last night since the school rejected me and I need that alternative. Apparently a clean flat is more important than my literal future. On the other hand I for once had a normal conversation with my almost 15yo brother (I’m almost 19, however not mentally and also not in the position to move still especially with the virus and all) and it turned out that he shares 2🦚🌺

Moms views on therapy whivh I’ve mentioned in the past aren’t really the best views on it. So yeah that’s just great. He basically just thinks it’s stupid. Either way. Currently my only way of possibly getting away would be a psychiatric /mental hospital stay. THING IS while I’m bety aware it isnt like in the movies I am deadly afraid of the thought. Not having my freedom to come and go when I please, not being able to meet up with friends or something etc. I would not feel safe and 3🦚🌺

it would just expose me to a lot of stress and anxiety which wouldn’t be any better than being yelled at constantly at home and having mom shit talk my friends. Everything is just kinda a mess with her rn and my siblings don’t see it from my perspective. Like YES we mess up and don’t do things right. She has a reason to be mad. But NO she doesn’t have the tight to essentially abuse us and no her behavior isnt parenting this is manipulation. 4🦚🌺

They only see the first half and think she’s in the right… I myself struggle to differentiate right and wrong and am unable to read situations well, which is why it took me 17-18 years and my friends calling it out to realise this is wrong. But I at least listen… they don’t. I sometimes just wish I grew up in a stable functioning family. Or honestly that she never even had me since she was VERY young when she had me so that’s probably why she never learned how to 5(?)🦚🌺

Act properly towards us. As she had me when she was just my age (18) and then the following 8 years had 4 more of my 5 siblings. I feel she never had time to grow up and learn herself especially considering she was abused herself…. final🦚🌺

Hi 🦚🌺,

It's good to hear from you again! There's absolutely nothing wrong with messaging us often, so feel free to tag all of your asks that you send in! I think that will actually make it easier on both of us, as you'll be able to find responses easier and I can look back on your previous asks easier to make sure I'm not missing anything or repeating myself :) Also, the search function on tumblr is quite picky, so unfortunately it can be hard to find posts. I've run into the same issue with locating old asks on the blog as well!

It's understandable that you don't want to bug your friends with your problems, especially if they have some mental health struggles of their own. However, it might help to think of it this way: mental illness is so common that chances are most people you meet will have some sort of struggle with their mental health, which means you wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about your struggles if you don't want to bother someone who struggles with their mental health. That doesn't seem fair to you! While everyone needs to have boundaries, especially to protect their health, I think it's reasonable to share things with your friends when you're struggling. You deserve that support, especially with everything else you have going on in your life!

It must have been devastating to not get into art school and I'm so sorry that happened! It does sound like volunteering could be a potential route for you to go down, even if it's just until you figure out what you want to do in the future. It makes sense that certain volunteer options can be rolled out based on the nature of the work and the things you struggle with. Perhaps there is something you could do from home that wouldn't trigger your anxiety. For instance, I volunteer for a text-based suicide hotline, which I do from home. I'm not saying you have to do something exactly like this, but it might spark an idea that you or your therapist maybe haven't thought of yet. It's just something to think about.

What's going on with the drugs in your house is definitely concerning and I think it would be a good idea to bring that up with your therapist. It's really dangerous to have these kinds of drugs around with younger kids being there. Not only is it possible for kids to accidentally get into it and harm themselves, but it's also dangerous for them to be around adults that are high because of their erratic behaviors. This is why I think it would be wise to talk to your therapist about this to see what input she has.

It's great that your therapist has talked to you about your diagnoses as well as what you don't have that your mom has tried to say you have. I'm sure it's frustrating to have your mom make those accusations, but I think it's good that you at least have your therapist there to reassure you that you don't in fact have those diagnoses.

It's so disappointing that your friend won't be able to visit as you guys had planned because I know you were really looking forward to that! Unfortunately, coronavirus seems to ne ruining plans for most people all over the world. Hopefully you guys will be able to come up with another plan for meeting up, though it likely won't be able to happen until the pandemic is more under control. Still, at least making tentative plans for meeting in the future may give you both something to look forward to once travel is finally safe again.

I'm so sorry that your mom treats you and your siblings this way. It does sound like she may use you guys as tools, as your friends put it. This is sometimes another sign of abuse/neglect, which honestly isn't surprising considering all of your mom's other behaviors.

What you mentioned about getting out of the house makes sense and I agree that an inpatient stay might not be the best way to go about it. Not only will that be more restrictive, as you mentioned, but most hospitals won't allow inpatient stays unless the person is incapable of keeping themselves or others safe while receiving outpatient care (though I obviously don't know whether this is the case for you). I still think it's a good idea to keep thinking about potential ways of getting out of your mom's house once you're ready for that. One option I'm wondering about is a group home (I think these may be called something else in other countries but it's basically a house where several adults with varying physical and/or mental illnesses live together and there are usually various types of staff who also stay there). These can sometimes be a bit restrictive, but much less so than a hospital would be. I believe they typically have a curfew, otherwise you're allowed to leave during the day. Although I'm not sure if this would be a viable option for you (and it probably wouldn't be anyway until after the pandemic is more controlled), it's just something that popped into my head when thinking about other ways of eventually getting you away from your mom's abuse.

What you said about your mom's parenting vs. manipulation is 100% accurate. It's very common for someone who was abused by parents to go on to abuse their own children unless they put in the effort to change, but know that you still don't deserve to be abused and manipulated. It's not your fault that your mom was abused and never unlearned the negative behaviors she saw experienced as a child. You and your siblings all deserve so much better than this!

-Samantha

#abuse #abusive parent #drugs #drug use #family #🦚🌺#advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha

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primedirection · 5 years

Text

Anniversary -Part 2

Post mobbing

It's been two and a half days since the fight and you still haven't spoken to one another, but Harry caves first.

Under simpler and more normal circumstances it was hard enough not being able to speak to you. But this time around the situation bears an immense weight. Because this wasn't just giving him the silent treatment or obnoxiously avoiding rooms he occupied, you actually left. Though once he was alone to stew in his thoughts, he couldn't blame you.

You never asked for this.

On a night that you were meant to be celebrating your love for one another, it was his baggage that intervened. And no matter how much he wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to his following, he couldn't deny that they crossed the line. Mobbing just him was one thing but to do it when he was with loved ones was another.

Harry sent a text concerned about your whereabouts merely an hour after he calmed down. By sunrise he was sick with grief, guilt, and worry. Substantially increasing due to Anne and Gemma also calling to check on you both and informing him of a particularly disturbing video gone viral on all media fronts.

One from your dinner of the girls he was kind enough to take pictures with. As it turns out they had been filming your table for awhile. Adding disgusting commentary of how much they hated you and joking about acts of harm they'd do to you if given the chance. Harry felt disgusted with himself when one of them finally suggests going over to do it and they all get riled enough to agree. Harry genuinely hates himself when hearing them discuss aloud their plan of attack. From this perspective he's able to see just how intense the impact is when you're pointedly elbowed off your chair from behind and then literally walked all over.

Only just to surround him with false praises of adoration and excitement. He feels even more ashamed that he didn't hear or see it before. But he's glad to see those girls get startled when you get back up with a vengeance and curse at them for their barbaric behavior. Teetering on the edge of dignified restraint and justified retaliation. But unfortunately he stepped in and practically dragged you out of the restaurant. The girls laugh to themselves and congratulate each other before the video abruptly ends.

The worst part of it all was that they really pulled the wool over his eyes and succeeded. He really went home and lashed out at you! Didn't even ask if you were okay nonetheless check to see if you physically were alright. He was too focused on their feelings and the backlash you'd get when the story got out to be honest.

The world already ridiculed your relationship enough, as if you didn't deserve him and he didn't want anyone to have any justification to feel that way. But this was just... He fucked up on so many different levels.

After watching the video he called you shamelessly nonstop, leaving voice mails and paragraphs of text messages apologizing. Eventually he stopped, empathy clouded his better judgment and made him realize that you probably just needed time to process everything.

On the opposing end you felt absolutely no urge to engage. Every social media account was overwhelmed with notifications from family, friends, and strangers alike. Gemma and Anne even tried to call but you simply didn't accept them based on the fact that you didn't know what to say or how to explain the situation. You didn't want to lie and say you're fine because honestly you aren't.

If you weren't hurting emotionally or embarrassed before, then watching the accursed video certainly brought on a slew of feelings. Not to mention the physical aspect of the damage.

When the adrenaline completely wore off, the dull pain you thought was bad doubled by tenfold. So excruciating and abnormally painful for just falling down, that you sent yourself to the emergency room. A full day in the waiting room and an x-ray later, you come to find out that your lovely dinner guests gave you a minor spinal fracture. Luckily enough it was just a stable fracture, which meant the best case is wearing a back brace for several weeks and no necessary surgery. Though now the worst case is that and being bed ridden as a safety precaution because the doctor also made the alarming discovery that you are four weeks pregnant.

It was impossible to pretend that you haven't been holed up for the past couple days in your best friend's guest room. Bawling your eyes out from the extravagant self pity party you were throwing yourself. Trying to wrap your head around the whole situation. How were you supposed to face anyone? Especially Harry.

It's on the third day from your split, that you are forced to figure it out because none other than Harry turns up just after your bestie leaves for work. Damn near banging at the door like there was a fire, but that more or less had to with the amount of time you took to answer it. You almost didn't, but the neighbors here were nosy enough and didn't need a show.

With the chain lock still on you barely peek through the crack of the door. Almost immediately he lunges forward, bracing his hands on the door frame trying to get as close to you as possible. It was kind of satisfying to see that he looked as miserable as you felt. In an old ratty T shirt and sweat pants with his hair in extreme disarray. His eyes bloodshot and tinted the same irritated pink as his nose and cheeks. Apparently he'd been crying. "Thank God, are you alright?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Can't get ahold of yeh any way else. I've called I've texted— been worried bloody sick to be honest. Can we talk?" His voice is thicker with more rasp than usual.

You wanted to ask if he had been drinking but thought better of it. "Think you've already said enough."

Harry's heart plunges to his toes so fast he audibly chokes on a sob. Sending his desperation into overdrive, "Y/N please, I jus' wanna explain- five minutes. That's all I'm asking."

You stare back at him for what feels like an eternity, debating whether or not if allowing him in was the right thing to do. Literally and metaphorically. He hurt you in a way that made your physical assault pale in comparison. So you're not entirely sure what possesses you to eventually close the door and remove the locks.

Upon reopening the door Harry's not as aggressive as he was before and instead waits for you to openly invite him inside. Eyes on the ground and hands shoved in his pockets.

It's while you retreat to the living room that he sees the massive cargo covering the majority of your torso. A protective vest of sorts. Although on the areas it doesn't cover on your back. He's able to see dark purpling bruises under the straps of your tank top just above your shoulder blades on each side. It makes him sick to his stomach. "Yeh had to go to the hospital?"

"Yeah, was in a lot of pain after the initial shock wore off. Good thing too because I have a minor spinal fracture," you explain and Harry's face loses all of it's color, ”The doctor said I endured the same impact as being in a car accident. Thankfully though I just need to wear this back brace for awhile."

Guilt consumes him like a flame to a torch, to the point that he almost doesn't want to continue inside any further. Because this was solely his fault and he really didn't even deserve to be in your presence. It felt horribly wrong.

He waits until you're sitting down as comfortably as you can on the sofa to speak, "Love, I can't tell yeh how sorry I am."

At the tone of his voice tears start to brim in your eyes against your will. You blink them away on a deep shaky breath and scoff, "So now I'm your love? I wasn't when I left. I was a crazy lunatic bitch you couldn't take anywhere."

His eyes clench shut at the reminder of his insensitivity, unable to withstand the disappointment in your gaze, "I didn't mean tha'—any of it, I swear. I was just being a dick cos' I knew yeh were right. Jus' didn't want to admit it"

Hearing the words aloud was bittersweet. Truly. Your emotions jumble as such, making some tears fall only to wipe them away furiously. "And what? Now you're here because of that stupid video and suddenly feel sorry for me? Well guess what? I feel humiliated enough, I don't need your pity to—”

"S'not about pity, I was wrong Y/N. So wrong." Harry's jaw clenches as he forces himself to sit across from you. Seeing you like this was out right painful and he didn't know how exactly to deal with it. He expected you to still be upset but in an angry curse him out sort of way, not the puffy eyed and anxious trembling hands type of way. "I figured tha' out long before I saw tha' fucking video. The way I reacted was the worst thing I ever could've done to yeh." He has to take a deep breath to calm the tightening in his chest but his tears come rolling down his cheeks anyway. He wipes them away hastily with the back of his hand though more are quick to replace them.

At the sight of his trembling chin you fold your arms and force yourself look away. The emotions bubbling in your chest and his own brings you to the verge of tears again.

"I was fucking atrocious to yeh and for what? For always looking out for me when no one else does? Or always being there when I need yeh to be? I failed yeh huge Y/N. Your safety should be my biggest priority and I'm the one that compromised it. If they had planned that with weapons you could've been..." He could hardly stand to think about it.

"Worse," You shudder at the thought subconsciously folding your arms over your stomach. "Neither of us knew that would happen."

You're reasoning only guts him more, "There's no excuse. You've been nothing but supportive and accommodating and so incredibly loyal... I took tha' for granted and m' so fucking sorry Y/N. I need yeh to know that. You mean literally everythin' to me, and I can't stand that I mucked this all up."

"You know how much I love you Harry. Even on our worst days but I'm not gonna lie that hurt, that like really hurt me..." Tears completely blur your vision now, and it's becoming more and more futile to talk through the constricting tightness in your throat. You reach up and press tight to your tear ducts in order to make it stop but the sobs start to slip out too. It's almost like not wanting to cry but crying anyway makes you cry even harder.

Harry wants so bad to hold you, to rub your back in comfort or in the very least hold your hand. But he knows better. Instead his fingers dig uncomfortably into his thighs, "Fuck, I know Y/N. I know."

You take a sharp breath to speak through the pain, "And I know how much the fans mean to you. Hell I love em too, they make me feel like I'm one of them! I'd never want to turn you against them or make you feel like you have to choose between us. All I wanted is for you to know when to draw the line sometimes, not just for me but for yourself. You give so much to people and I can't stand it when it's taken advantage of."

Harry shakes his head, choked up all over again hating the fact that this was supposed to be about you and here you are still defending him. He'd be a plum fool to lose you. His best friend, lover, defender, and supporter all wrapped into one. No one ever has and never would compare. "I'm so sorry love,"

"So you've said," You retort sniffling, a little annoyed that that's all he's got to say for himself.

"Well I genuinely mean it, you're so strong sometimes I forget that you might need me." His fingers rake anxiously through his hair, "Obviously I don't deserve yeh but I can't lose yeh either Y/N. Tell me what yeh need and I promise whatever it is I'll do it—whatever it takes."

He made it sound so easy but that's not the world you live in. "How am supposed to trust you won't do that again Harry?" You cry despite your attempts to remain stoic, "You're supposed to be the one I can lean on for anything and after that I honestly don't know if I can..."

He knows that you have every right to feel the way you do, but the needy and selfish part of him doesn't understand your resistance. He's apologized and currently begging for your forgiveness and yet he still can't seem to get through to you. He's beginning to feel hopeless. "I know words can't fix everything, but please just give me a chance to prove it to you. I'm upping security, I've filed restraining orders, and consider the charges pressed! I swear to God I'll-"

"I'm pregnant." You blurt out.

You didn't think it was possible but the tension in the room intensifies. Silence takes over and it's quiet enough to hear a pin drop. It makes the flutter of butterflies from high strung nerves in your belly feel like earthquakes. Also doesn't help that Harry's expression changes a minimum of three times in a matter of seconds. Confused to surprised to tormented to incredulous to sad to confused again and finally to an emotion that you can't even place. Apparently unsure he heard you correctly, "What?"

You bite your lip nervously, "I said I'm pregnant. Four weeks. Found out when I went to the doctor,"

He swallows so hard it's audible, staring directly at you and yet his gaze is distant. Somewhere else completely until he blinks and the water works start flowing again. "Can I?" He asks no louder than a whisper reaching out for you with trembling hands and grabs yours in his before you can even answer.

Bringing the back of them to his lips repeatedly somehow steadies his nerves. Because within he was raging. One of the most significant moments in both of your lives had been robbed of happiness and tainted with strife because of his baggage. The way you responded earlier suddenly makes total sense now and once again he couldn't blame you. He utterly refused to be robbed of another again.

Harry presses a hard kiss one last time before dropping your hands to shift closer to you. Close enough to cup your cheeks lovingly, since he doesn't trust himself enough to wrap his arms around you without causing pain. "I don't expect you to accept it or forgive me overnight. I understand that I really hurt you and that's just not realistic. But I am sorry Y/N. I'll spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to make it up to you—both of you. If you'll have me?"

In that moment all you register is burning. The burning in your eyes that make your tears pour down, the burning in your chest and throat as the heavy sobs rack through you, and the burning flush of your skin from being so overwhelmed with emotions. Because he was right, it wasn't going to magically fix everything but for right now it was enough. He seemed really genuine and sincere in his remorse and that was a good place to start.

You ultimately nod quickly and as best as you can without putting too much strain on your back, lean in to bury your face into the comfort of his neck. Confessing sheepishly, "I'm scared Harry,"

He can't squeeze you back as tight as you both want but there's still the same amount of comfort when he cradles the back of your head, "Shouldn't be. Cos' m' certainly never going anywhere and neither are you if I have anything to say about it."

Now that the threat of you leaving was somewhat gone he found it difficult to be scared of much else. With you he felt truly invincible. His grin even became shit eating at the thought of finally unveiling the ridiculously carrot studded ring currently hidden in his sock drawer. "Thank you for this by the way, s'best gift I could've ever imagined... Well opposed to mine but you'll get it when we get home."

You want badly to laugh at that and smile even because you are indeed relieved but you can't stop crying. Clutching onto his sides for dear life since they are the best you could reach. "I need you Harry, now more than ever. You understand that right?"

His chest rumbles with a hum before he pulls back to kiss you firmly on the forehead, "Won't let yeh down lovie, I promise."

AN: Hopefully this lived up to expectations idk send me your thoughts. I want all the smoke lol Xx.

#Harry styles angst #Harry styles imagines #Harry x reader #Harry styles #one direction imagines #Harry Styles one shot #One direction one shot #harry styles drabble #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #all me #I write I guess

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kidkytes · 5 years

Note

thank you for calling out the KH fandom for basically gatekeeping people when it comes to Kingdom Hearts 3.

I don’t want to say in that I’m calling out, pointing fingers and saying to these people that “You’re wrong!/Shut up!/Do as I say”. I certainly don’t want to come across as some raging fanboy, but throughout the years I have noticed an ever increasing mindset amongst the KH fanbase which is sad to see. It’s why I kinda started stepping out of the fanbase, then Steven Universe came along and swallowed me whole but I already knew that fanbase was a cesspit so I stayed outta that. Anyway I’m rambling so I’ll stop that.

To the point, yes there is a problem in the KH fanbase in that they can be very intense on making sure that people are up to date with either playing all the games or having read game summaries and…I get it. I understand why. I know what they are meaning when they say that. This is an over arching storyline, naturally you want people to experience it that way so that way they will have the absolute best time playing Kingdom Hearts 3 and appreciate it even more in that they can get the best closure from the game.

There is a big problem in what Square Enix, Disney and Tetsuya Nomura have done with Kingdom Hearts as a whole. First off, this is a numbered series. When you have a numbered series it is natural to the consumer that if you stick to the main numbered games, you’ll be fine to jump from them to the next. Unfortunately due to Square Enix being Square Enix (FF15 I’m looking at you) since KH3 was delayed going into production for years we got a lot of spin offs. The natural meaning of a spin off is usually to take something that was hinted at or referenced in the original product and expand and explore on it, if you wanted to. So if you were interested by it, what it lore it might be expanding then that’s great. If you weren’t, that’s fine because just stick to the numbered games and you’ll be fine. Unfortunately due to FF15′s decade of development (that can be a whole trilogy of books on it’s own) Nomura decided to put a lot of story content in order to make these appealing to the consumer rather than just release hollow games due to Disney’s requests for more games.

So that creates the whole problem in that there is some significant story elements in these games (especially Birth By Sleep and Dream Drop Distance) that it can be very hard to understand a lot of the things that have come after KH2. Looking back on it we’ve had NINE games (I’m counting re:Chain of Memories, Re:coded, Unchained X and 0.8 in that as seperate games because they are from their original versions and 0.8 is essentially a game) before Kingdom Hearts III, that’s absolutely ridiculous and TONS of story content to go through.

So yes, I get why people want others to know as much as possible going into KH3 so that they will have the complete experience and enjoy it like that. Unfortunately will it does not represent the KH community as a whole, there is a number of vocal people who really come down on those who haven’t played all of the games and/or haven’t read game summaries. Which sadly is an issue in that there seems to be a mindset of, “Well you don’t get to complain if the story doesn’t make sense or call it bad writing”, that’s what I really don’t like about it.

People seem to be coming at from a view of “This is the final chapter” which in a way it is but it also isn’t. I view KH3 more as the final book in a saga because each KH game has it’s own individual story that it focuses on. While yes it would be beneficial to know everything about the series before going into KH3 but that doesn’t mean it’s not okay to only know a handful or even start with KH3.

To use an example if the Marvel Cinematic Universe. That is an over arching storyline but every movie has it’s own storyline, it’s own characters and themes that are unique to it. I haven’t watched all of the Marvel movies but it’s fine for me to watch new ones without having to have seen or read summaries about the ones I haven’t seen. Because, I simply have no interest in watching them. It applies to KH as well, not everyone needs to have played or read summaries about the other games if they aren’t interested. A comment in a discord I’m a part of summarised this feeling perfectly for me (sorry I use white mode in discord and twitch):

Some people simply aren’t interested, they have read summaries of the games and are still confused or simply haven’t found them appealing. Which is fine, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t allowed to give their opinion on the story of KH3 and how it felt to them.

Also when it comes down to the “bad writing” part…maybe people just think it’s bad writing in general and it’s not bad writing because they don’t understand something? Personally I think Chain of Memories, 359/2 Days and coded is bad writing because I really didn’t like the stories and most of the characters, the bizarre dialogue didn’t help that either. Dream Drop Distance…all I have to say on that is even though I enjoyed it’s gameplay, I have no idea what the hell Nomura was smoking, snorting and eating when he was writing that haha. I don’t really like Organisation XIII, I find most of the characters to be boring, the black coat designs to be bland and uninspiring. I LOVE Xehanort as a villain though, who is essentially a scientist wanting to understand the building blocks of the past and life, that’s hella interesting to me! Oh gawd I said hella, thanks Life is Strange. But yeah, if someone says it’s bad writing then maybe they just think it’s bad.

To add on a final thing I have seen from a streaming perspective. I stream on twitch, I watch other streamers on twitch. I replayed KH1 and KH2 and did my first playthroughs of BBS and DDD on stream. Now I’m not a big streamer, I would usually have an average of 10 viewers during my stream but regularly I would have people come in and the first thing they would always ask is, “Have you played insert title?”. I haven’t finished Chain of Memories, I haven’t played coded, I have no intention of playing them because I’m simply not interested. These people would then make their viewpoint known in that I was ruining my experience of the series and that I shouldn’t even bother to play KH3. These were all indivudal people, not the same person, now can you imagine that on a bigger scale with streamers with a larger platform? Unfortunately you get this happening:

That was just with someone play Kingdom Hearts 2 and people getting visibly annoyed with the streamer for not having played Chain of Memories. I was there for all of the streams until they stopped and there was multiple people coming in being rather abrasive in it was wrong in that they hadn’t played Chain of Memories. That’s sadly where it’s becoming an ever increasing problem in that there seems to be a view of “Thou must play each game or read all of the summaries or thou shall not play Kingdom Hearts 3!”.

I’d like to add on a final thing going back to the “You’re not allowed to complain if the story doesn’t make sense.” mindset, Kingdom Hearts and Tetsuya Nomura doesn’t pay your bills. Some people just outright don’t like something, their opinion can change over time or not and that shouldn’t affect you. Kingdom Hearts 3 is going to be your own experience and you’ll have your own opinion on it once it’s finished, no matter how you’ve come to play the game. Don’t let those people get to you! I know if it’s something you love and seeing people talk about it negatively when they don’t have the full picture, but that doesn’t do anything for your journey with this bonkers and crazy series we all love.

As much as I have spoken of some of the problems the KH fanbase I would like to say that this is very much a minority. They are just very vocal, there is so much more people out there who a loving, kind, positive and beautiful. All of the cosplay, the fanart, the fanfiction, the graphic creators and editors, even the people who just display their passion for KH, you’re all so inspiring to me and others. It’s why I still love seeing everyone talk about this series, it’s inspiring!

There’s been some who have said they went into the series completely blind, started on KH2 or another game and it made them want to play the rest of the series because they fell in love with it! We’re going to get so much more people who will become KH fans because KH3 was their first game and that’s so amazing! It would be great if they had played/watched/read summaries about the rest but don’t come down on them for that. There will obviously be some people who will gain a negative view of KH3 because they don’t know what most things are but we’re going to gain so much more people who love and will want to know more about the story and characters and that’s wonderful!

So whether you’re going into KH3 knowing everything, knowing bits here and there like me or taking that deep dive in KH3 as a new player, this is going to be a fantastic and wonderful adventure that I can’t wait to tell you all about in February. Not January because I won’t have finished it until February haha. I’ve typed way too long on this and there’s probably a whole bunch of spelling mistakes and grammar errors but I’m too lazy to go back and check everything so have it worts and all. So in the words of one of my video game idols, WELL BYE Lady from Shenmue I say to you all…WELL BYE!!!

#kidkytes #Kingdom Hearts #KH3 #Kingdom Hearts 3 #KH #oh that took a while #but yes we're gonna have so much more fans and people who love this series #more people we can share stories and experiences with #that will be so amazing #please be kind to each other #that's the final thing I'm going to say on the whole KH3 discourse #Anonymous

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stormecloudyy-blog · 6 years

Text

The Weight iii

Put you in the past, Try to forget you 'cause it's over And every time you ask I pretend I'm okay

Matt hasn’t answered his phone when I called to say I was going to be home so he could come by if he wanted. There has just be radio silence since this morning. Shawn drove me home, and it was weird. I didn’t really speak during the journey, just stared out the window and then at my phone to see if Matt was going to shoot me a text or even just call. But nothing. So I ended up just thanking Shawn softly for the ride and walked into my apartment, wondering I had caused all of this chaos because I don’t know how to properly let go of Shawn. But I hate coming home to an empty house with so many emotions running rampant through my mind. The only way I knew how to quell my anxiety was to go for an evening walk, hoping the crisp night air will help clear my mind and help me gain some much needed perspective.

“D’you want a ride?”

I pause for a moment when I hear that voice, wondering if he is stalking me. Shawn again. It is uncanny how he just knows when to show up. I know he is not following me, because I am the one who is walking through the neighborhood where his condo is located. I am the creepy one, if the label needs to be put on someone.

The window of his Jeep is rolled down and he is looking at me, hand leaning out the window and giving me a small wave. He narrows his eyes for a moment, assessing if I am going to just walk away from him.

“I could just give you a ride,”Shawn goes on, tapping his hand against the car door rhythmically. “Better than being out late at night, when you never know what could happen. Unless you wanted to walk and then I could just leave to whatever you were doing...”

“Sure, that is fine,” I say and walk over to the passenger side of the door, opening it up and climbing inside. I close the door softly and put on my seatbelt, staring straight ahead and not speaking because I really have no idea what the hell I am supposed to say to him.

“I will take you home in a bit. I just have to stop by my house to grab something I was going to drop off for a friend, so I will just be a few minutes. You can wait in the car or come inside with me,” he pauses, realizing he may have made a mistake in offering to let me come inside. “But I swear I will take you home right after, it is just really important.”

“Okay.” I say because there is not much else to say. Being around Shawn confuses me because I am the one who ended our relationship. I wanted to be friends, but it was hard. He was the one who said it was fine when Matt asked me out. “I don’t mind coming inside with you. I used to live there with you, if you recall.” He doesn’t say anything at that, just grips the steering wheel tighter so his knuckles turn white as we get closer to his condo. The silence in the car is almost suffocating, and I contemplate just saying never mind to this whole ordeal and walking home once more.

“Well, um, here we are,” he says and puts the car in park, throwing his door open and slamming it behind him. He doesn’t even wait for me, just storms off in the direction of his condo.

“Shawn, wait up!” I call, rushing out of the jeep and chasing after him. He turns on his heel, eyebrows raised like he is waiting for me to say something. I catch up to him, feeling strange being back at the home we once shared. I don’t know how to explain...it is like being home, but the edges are slightly blurred. It doesn’t quite feel the same, but it stirs up those old memories like it was yesterday. I don’t dare mention I still have a key hidden deep in a drawer with an old tshirt of his I kept.

The condo feels the same. Still decorated in the way I had it when I was living there, trying do everything I could to make it feel like a place he would be happy to come home to after being on tour. The strangest part is seeing the extra room where I used to keep all of my books still the same, just barren shelves and a few remnants of tape on the wall where I took down my posters when I moved out. This place still feels like home.... like I could just fall down onto the couch and watch hours of Netflix the way I would when he was gone. But I stand by the doorway, not touching anything and just taking in how much it all stayed the same even though life has changed so much for the both of us. Shawn goes to the bedroom to retrieve a book, holding it up like a peace offering. He holds it out toward me, eyes and face guarded when I see it is the same copy of Harry Potter he would read to me when we found out I was pregnant. Before... before it all fell apart.

I just take the book from his grasp, throwing it in my bag because my emotions swell too much to look at it. He doesn’t say anything, just goes to find what he came here for so we both can leave. It seems like he can’t find what he is looking for, making him grow more frustrated as he tosses things around, swearing and muttering about never leaving something where he should.

“What are you looking for?” I ask, biting my lip and looking around the house to see if I spot something strange. He stops throwing items haphazardly around and looks at me.

“A flash drive. It has some music I was working on, and I wanted to drop it off with Andrew..” he says, throwing his hands up like he is ready to end his search. “But it is not where I thought it was supposed to be.”

“Check next to the bed,” I tell him. This was the same place he would leave things when we were together. He would get mad he could not find it, and I would always find it in the same spot. Shawn just nods to himself, heading to the bedroom and making a happy sound when he finds what he is looking for. When he comes back to the main area, he is holding up the flash drive like a prize and looking at me like I am just the greatest thing in the world. He is looking at me the same exact way he did when we went to the doctor and hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. It is just too much for me to handle, so I turn away because I want to go home now.

“I knew you would find it there. That is where you leave things all of the time. You should devise a better system for your belongings. But I am ready to leave so let’s just go because I wanna go home now?” I ask, trying to keep myself calm and sane while suppressing all of the emotions trying to surface. He doesn’t speak, just stares down at the flash drive in his hand like he remembered something else.

“Shawn?” I inquire, waving my hand in front of his face to get his attention.

“Yeah, yeah.. of course,” He says, snapping back to reality. He shoves the flash drive into his pocket and jingles his keys in his hand, opening the front door for me so we can leave.

“And so you were over at Shawn’s?” Matt asks me, staring at me from his spot on the couch because I keep getting up and wandering around his house because I can’t even stay still for just one minute. My mind has been going crazy since I was at the condo. Because of the book and just everything else which has been happening lately.

“Yeah, I mean I was just walking home and he said he would give me a ride so I said okay, but I just don’t know what to think because he gave me this book he read to me when I was pregnant and...” My hand reaches up to fiddle with the ring on the chain around my neck, back and forth over and over. Matt doesn’t speak, especially once I mention about the meaning of the book. “I just don’t understand what I am supposed to do when this is all really fucking weird, and I don’t want to make it worse but...”

Matt just watches me quietly, picking up his glass of water and taking a sip. The one subject he has always danced around is my pregnancy because of the devastation it brings out in me. It was one of the main reasons I was afraid to get involved with him, but he said it didn’t matter to him because it was not about the past. He just wanted to be with me because he liked me and the current time. He just waits for me to stop pacing, getting up from the couch and wrapping his arms around my body in an embrace.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I am going to be fine once all of this bullshit stops,” I say, resting my head on his chest and letting his kiss the side of my head gently.

“You are going to be okay, I promise. You made it through one of the worst things in the world, and now you are doing great,” he comforts me, rubbing my back, just waiting for me to calm down. I know this isn’t going to stop for awhile, but I don’t want to keep straining the relationship I have now because I am dwelling too much on the past. I lean into his body, glad to be here with him for the time being.

“Yeah, I am okay... everything is just fine...” I say with false conviction and hope he doesn’t notice the cracking in my voice. I’m too focused on thinking about the closed door at the condo, still decorated with the same stars we put up there when we were doing the nursery.

Neither Shawn nor I have really moved on at all.

this is so bad. i am sorry. why i do i even write when it all turns to garbage. i should just stop writing for good. god.

#shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes stories #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes imagines #the weight #writing #mine

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gaudeixcc · 6 years

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Peleton News – Confessions (G18 Tour special – April 2018)

This year’s tour was a little fractured to start with.

JT, my honorable (although diminutive) co-chair has been living in Munich for some time, so has reluctantly lobbed all administrative tasks my way. He still of course has a pointy figure hovering over the keyboard most hours of the day to fire off a bullet-like reminder should any delegated task fall in to the overdue category.

My approach this year had been to further convolute the whole process by sub-delegating further down the value chain. This year RTA picked up route-planning duties, shouldering the full burden once Moley had thrown the metaphoric towel into the Gaudeix corner.

JT arrived the night before to settle into Hotel Mariposa and to busy himself ready for our arrival next morning, where, his welcoming party preparation of sundry nibbles, iced towels, freshly pressed mango juice and 6 flutes of chilled Champaign could be seen exactly nowhere.

Quietly bikes were built and readied.

I don’t with to appear overly-critical at this early stage, however I feel it is important to highlight areas where improvement could be made.

My first area of improvement relates to a mathematical ratio.

13.2 is an acceptable ratio.

60 is a completely unacceptable ratio.

Back in the day when I rode motorcycles for my thrill-seeking pleasure, the most expensive item of an accessory nature was the helmet. An oft quoted saying was ‘If you’ve got a £10 head, get a £10 helmet’.

I valued my head at considerable more than £10 and hence why I could be seen peacocking about the place in the latest stealth MotoGP inspired bonce-protecting loveliness from Arai, makers of the very best.

And the same is true of bikes and their bags.

If you’ve got a ratty old Trek which you equally be happy to see as landfill as opposed to nestled between your legs, then by all means bag it with a carrier from Tesco.

If on the other hand you have a carbonfibre creation, with composite wheels, electronic shifting and less weight than a fat sparrow, then for fucks sake, buy a proper bag.

Is there a correlation between 2 visits to a bike shop for fixing 2 bikes hurled into fifty quid bags?

Answers on a postcard…

Next year we are going to be introducing the video referee to dish out ‘after the event’ fines and tickets to offences against cycling such as this little atrocity.

Anyway, peleton delayers aside, we had quite a good tour from a reliability perspective.

No flats at all in 3 days of riding.

Not bad going considering the excess baggage about 50% of the peloton where wheeling about the place.

It can be a harsh life travelling with a pack of cyclists. As a group, we are generally slow to acknowledge quality but lightening-fast to highlight weakness.

This year’s theme was most definitely fatness.

It all started when Dripping decided to relax on day one and let his guard down.

The relief a fat Victorian lady must feel when at the end of a day grazing on mutton, savory puddings and broiled swan, she releases the strings on her corset, was probably how Dripping felt as he gently supped an ale whilst not ‘tensed’ or ‘sucking it in for dear life’ sitting quietly in the sun.

It was harsh and cruel for Mac to take a picture of Dripping at rest in such an unguarded state. The resulting snap caused almost immediate physiological damage, which was then added to by verbal slappery of the worst kind from almost all.

Macca’s boobs got a much lower level of attention than would otherwise have been.

But the real crime in the whole torrid ‘fatgate’ affair, was a quietly outed photo from Colchester Mac which showed what looked like a Michelin Man ballooned around a struggling Cannondale, legs bouncing hard off an impressive midriff as the owner snuffled and puffed his sorry arse up a hill.

That night James in a moment of shocking and completely unexpected kindness said to me ‘You’ve put on a bit of timber this year’…..

It’s about as nice as he’s ever been to me in the 15 years of friendship we have shared.

Ever.

Meanwhile, back in the Peloton, Whatsapp was on fire as fat Michelin man took a breather from cycling, sat down, drank a beer, guzzled food and then promptly took a micro-nap to allow his body to digest this latest onslaught of calories.

The peloton…. They can be mighty cruel to those built for comfort.

Anyway…let’s move on. Let’s talk compliments….

‘Love the tattoos’

‘You’re girlfriend is very pretty. The plastic she has had inserted in the chest area is both proportionally perfect and pleasing to the eye’

‘Nice denim’

‘Wow.. impressive steed’.

All of the above are probably good ways to make a hells angel feel special.

Alternatively, you could surprise the life out of him by slapping him on the arse as you cycle past at 15 mph…. showing shock and dismay on your face and general surprise that he hadn’t apparently heard your tinckly bike-bell.

I arrived at a stationary Peloton to find Macca being verbally abused by a very angry biker who was busy calling us all arseholes……. I mean he was right…. Must have been a lucky guess.

This was another visible demonstration of Macca’s intolerance to a good swathe of human kind.

On the flight out, Moley’s seat on the plane had been taken by a Turkish lady of more senior years and built like I will be if I don’t stop eating constantly.

She was resting up from the exertion of having had to climb the stairs at the rear of the bus and drag her cabin bag the 6 yards to her seat. The bag was then occupying Macca’s seat whilst she appeared to be cuddling it.

This was clearly a cue for some helpful soul to then lift it into one of the overhead lockers and help her out.

Macca, ignoring this cue like the plague, barked at her. He informed the startled greek lady that he owned the seat, not her bag, and would she kindly get a shift on and move it.

The plane went awkwardly quiet.

Trembling, the lady dressed in black wobbled to her feet and with oscilating bingo wings hoisted the bag upward. There was a moment or 2 when none of us could be sure the bag was going to make it. Like an Olympic weightlifter going for a PB, there was a pause, a grunt and then a final push… the bag was in.

Macca looked on in bland indifference.

She sat down, glazed with a sheen of garlic and thyme perspiration.

I think secretly Macca was hoping for an engine issue, a wayward turbofan blade and the exiting of the Greek weightlifter from the above-wing window seat.

He fumed quietly for most of the flight.

I suppose I should at some point talk about the cycling.

As with all these tours there is a lot to cover. But, as with most years, I generally can’t be arsed doing so and instead revert to the well-established highlights list.

So, here goes for G18, Malaga;

• Dripping confessing to having voted tactically in previous tours when it came to the yellow cap. Berlusconi-esque in its political nefariousness • C&N orange camo base layer • Mrs RTA’s contribution to the tour…. Can’t name it for legal reasons, but it went down exceptionally well • RTA’s ghost-like completion on date realisation • General higher standard of dress quality (although I still feel the shame and hurt from the explicit savaging I got from Dripping on the yellow cap voting paper… he went into enough detail to require and appendix FFS…) • Damo’s use of the back pen on photos • Whilst he did fuck all in his season of pink, Damo did at least sort out everyone elses mechanical catastrafucks whilst on tour • RTA’s route planning. Magestic. Simply nailed it to the floor. The pink was going one way only after 3 days of beautiful scenery • I hate losing. I especially hate losing to Dripping. I especially especially hate losing to Dripping twice. First time I made an error of timing. After having nearly lost a lung hunting down my prey I should have tailed his sorry ass for half a K before nailing the finish. I didn’t and paid heavily. Day 3’s mechanical was akin to running out of petrol 50 yards short of the finish line. I was running in the red and Drip snuck in and nicked my lunch. Absolute bastard. • Col Mac’s ‘Spam’ top • Macca’s deep-seated suspicion of foreign restaurants… he had me convinced that the preparers of our final meal where going to triple the bill, hack our phones, empty our accounts, spit in our food and quite possibly steal our children. What they actually ended up doing was serving us food which was simply sensational and probably the best meal I’ve eaten in the last 12 months, and then go on to charge us very modestly for it too. • Strange fact number 1. Everything edible in Malaga is cooked in beef fat. • Strange fact number 2. There is nothing wrong with 7 over 40 year olds drinking pink gin with berries in the glass. Completely hetrosexual and in keeping with the modern men we are. (On reflection, I think Colchester Mac way have swerved the gin actually) • If I have to hear one more bloody time about how good wahoo is…… you didn’t invent the fucking thing for the love of sweet baby Jesus… • Shit Garmins • The descent on day 3…on day one going up it I nearly died…. On day 3 coming down I could have cried…. Probably the best descent this peloton has tasted. • This year’s tour caps…. Top quality. • A vintage year that saw our first triple-cap…. ! Yes, my (well deserved) orange nailed a hat trick of caps (although only 2 physical caps probably maketh the point moot). • Desire takes many forms. But few have the strength and longing that have been displayed with the force of a Dripping wanting yellow. He may have ‘bought’ the cap, but god it was worth it to see his little face!! • Murdering 9 oranges to make 1 drink

And finally, whilst we have our highlights list, we also have a lowlights list. This one is my own personal list…. Only 2 entries… and neither of them spotted or witnessed by the Peloton;

1. On unpacking my bike and reassembling, somehow my fat fucking fingers and squinty eyesight have managed to crush the Di2 cable that runs the front mech…. FFS… bike now on turbo in just the little ring…. Horrible humble and apologetic call to Damo/Amy coming shortly. I can actually feel Damo’s eyebrows raise as he reads this…. (and can actually here him say ‘well you’re a fucking idiot aren’t you’…..) 2. Do you know what Raybans hitting tarmac at 20 mph sound like? No? It took me a while to figure it out too…. Well, 10 miles worth of fast riding to be precise…. And then I sulked quietly for 20 mins when I realised that day 2 would be the last time I went our armed with more than one pair of sunnies…… I kepy it quiet because Trusler would have definitely shit himself laughing at that one…..

So there we have it. Drip and Mac need new bike bags if they are to show their cycling faces ever again, Macca needs to take a tolerance pill twice daily, Damo needs to tut in my general direction, JT needs to not mention sunnies to me ever again, Moley needs to get his shit together in readiness for G19 and RTA needs to take a well deserved bow to a round of applause from the Peloton.

Malaga, G18…. Magic.

Hoppo

#PelotonNews

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creightonbeatrice1994 · 4 years

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bluerosesburnblue · 7 years

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Liz Liveblogs Bravely Second: Chapter One

Bravely Second Chapter 1: When Duty Calls, Who Will Answer, GO!

Oh hey Kamiizumi. What the heck are you doing on a canoe in the middle of the ocean? Also, how is the boat moving but you are not?

WHO BRINGS THEIR CAT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN???

Yew is blaming himself for the very existence of the traitors like??? Buddy. I don’t think that betrayal had anything to do with you

THEY’RE ALREADY A FAMILY IT’S SO CUTE

Tiz is tracking Agnès’s location based on the birds she can see from her window. What is this boy?

Team went back to Gathelatio for a boat and ended up discussing childhoods. Yew is a sweet little bookworm after my own heart and Edea’s answer is SWORDFIGHTING (”Didn’t you play tea parties?” “No, SWORDFIGHTING.”)

Edea is so excited to see Kamiizumi! He won’t explain HOW he’s alive, but hey! Free boat!

Yew gave a rousing speech to the remnants of the Crystalguard and big bro Tiz is just gushing about how Yew sounded like Agnès. And big sis Agnès agrees! (this family kills me)

“And everyone knows there are no squid on the Moon... only octopuses.” Tiz what... how do you know that? Is the moon colony a well known thing? Did we all just forget to mention that people live there in the first game?

And Magnolia doesn’t even know what an octopus is!

Everyone spies on Yew while he narrates his diary entries to himself and... ah, this must be where the “party members write comments in the bestiary” thing from the demo comes from

“Tiz please stop them.” “EVERYONE PICK A COLOR. I CALL GREEN.” Tiz...

They really are just a group of dysfunctional siblings already. It’s adorable

No one is impressed by Kamiizumi’s rowboat. Also he just... has a cat now. Okay.

Villains are talking about “an experienced assassin” and my jobs list is telling me that catmancer is in this chapter... so is this “assassin” the catmancer?

...those were cat noises in the background so I’m gonna say maybe

Oh god they flipped the perspective on the map so Eternia/Eisenberg are on the right and Harena/Florem are on the left. Oh god I’m gonna get so lost

That boat did NOT last long

Ughhhhhhh catmancer girl is making cat puns ughhhhhh at least Kamiizumi likes her because cats

And whoops now Kami’s cat is under her control and attempting to murder us

Hey! It’s Al-Khampis from the demo! And... Pudgius Bismol. Who was most certainly NOT in the demo

Okay I was worried about Yew being Tiz 2.0 at first but now he’s my precious nerd child

Cute Al-Khampis girl from the demo has a name and it’s Rifa! Yew knows her

I still can’t use the Al-Khampis inn, just let me heal please

“The five star gentleman I used to know” ...were Yew and Rifa dating?

Magnolia sure seems to think so because she’s getting jealous

Oh, so Rifa studies Ba’als! I suppose that’ll be our next target, then, along with tracking Agnès

Someone who looks like the owl guys that gave you summons in the first game is watching the party. It’s... ominous. He isn’t even speaking English, but Magnolia can hear him and understand him (no one else noticed because Edea’s throwing a fit over food)

Oh no he’s a Chomp cultist. He gave us chompcrafts. Time to become excellent plush toy makers

Just leave the game running and the team will auto-make plushies to sell. That’s neat

Oh christ I did it again I spent too long on minigames

Edea just introduced Tiz to someone as Agnès’s boyfriend and his response was to shove his hand on her mouth and basically go “HAHA what no” Tiznes is the best ship

Ughhhh who let Fiore “I kidnap women and wanted to destroy Florem” deRosa teach at a college? At least he bought the team lunch I guess

And they’re studying “somnial energy” to put an end to wars (as if people won’t just fight over the new energy source but whatever)

I can already see where this new “choice-based sidequest” is gonna go. Jackal wants more water for the people of Harena, deRosa wants more water to develop his wonder energy, and we’re gonna have to choose who to give water to

(Btw, Yew took everyone to a folklore lecture and Tiz was really into it. I love that the game makes sure you know that Tiz, despite being a farm boy, really loves learning. Also just furthers my belief that Tiz and Yew would be cute brothers)

T-t-teleport... pig??? There’s pigs that teleport you between towns??? That’s convenient but huh???

I like Jackal, he’s actually a nice guy, but I want the Thief job more, so sorry buddy (and like everyone in Harena)

It’s making me sick to side with deRosa, especially since I don’t trust a single thing he says about somnial energy and his “let’s have everyone move to Florem if they want water” plan is stupid as hell

AND IT COULD BLOW UP A TOWN my god deRosa is the WORST

His contingency for “what if someone uses it as a weapon” is I’LL TELL EVERYONE SO EVERYONE IS EQUAL AND NO ONE WANTS TO USE IT (buddy that’s just how you start Cold Wars, your plan guarantees nothing)

Ah well, I’ve already been spoiled on the fact that this game has time loops, so I can side with Jackal in the “canon run” I suppose (second loop?) I still hate this

God and now Edea’s preaching about how ideals are good but to never forget what people have sacrificed, forgetting that there isn’t even a guarantee that deRosa’s dumbass plan is even going to work! We screwed these people over for potentially nothing! So a little rich boy could feel better about his thesis work!

And the game presents it like it was a difficult moral choice, in a way that assumes that deRosa’s plan was anything short of poorly thought out and horrendously terrible. Also like the previous game didn’t do everything in its power to let you know that Jackal only ever did bad jobs in order to provide for all of the orphans he was taking care of and deRosa did a LOT of REALLY SHITTY things to women just because he felt like it. What I’m saying is, if you’re gonna write something to seem “morally grey” you have to be very careful, and basically not. Do. This. Especially if the choice is between a jackass who takes care of orphans through crime (morally grey on its own!) and a serial molester

The Ba’al is not in its crater. Edea thinks it doesn’t exist. Magnolia and I can see this for the omen it truly is

Magnolia has a communicator bracelet and called up VP Appleberry, who I am assuming is also a moon man given that he speaks fluent French. The Ba’al is on its way

So Ba’al v: Urchin. I think this is the one from the demo? Wasn’t that bad once I started chaining everyone’s specials (save accidentally healing it with Magnolia)

Magnolia’s explaining how she’s from the moon and fights Ba’als which... I thought we already covered, but okay (Rifa’s concerned that A. people live on the moon and B. the moon people have been fighting Ba’als for generations)

Insert *touching but cliche friendship speech by the team in response to Magnolia declaring that she’ll defeat the Ba’als even if she has to do it alone* here

Yew no joke made everyone umbrellas out of the Ba’al (and Tiz is the only one to genuinely compliment him on the resourcefulness, as opposed to being disgusted)

Yew and Magnolia are sharing an umbrella and he’s BLUSHING LIKE CRAZY that’s so cute (and Edea had to explain the Japanese “couple sharing an umbrella” thing)

CHRIST Edea. Tiz was just trying to help by sharing his umbrella. You didn’t have to drop kick him and smash his umbrella. God they’re all so MEAN right now

Agnès is in Anchiem! Move out!

Ah geez, the sandstorm from the demo is back. Let’s see how this gets resolved

Oh good. I’ve been waiting for the moment where Yew tells Pudgius to get lost because he outranks him (the noise Pudgy makes when Yew tells him he had a special sixth star is beautiful)

The Seven Horrors of Al-Khampis sound up there with the Seven Wonders of Twilight Town on the list of “things that are probably not what you think they are.” Wonder if the world is gonna glitch out

Mister Bones: the skeleton in the biology lab that comes to life at night oh my god these are already great

Professor Norzen is making some... weird noises at his star predictions (he’s also the astrologist from the beginning. Time to take his asterisk!)

Norzen set up the sandstorm to take down the Skyhold. Totally willing to sacrifice the people of Ancheim and Agnès. Yeah, no. Glad he’s crazy so I’m less conflicted about this than the Jackal fight

“I didn’t do anything during the events of the first game, so this time I will bring justice!!!” glad that Edea and Tiz chime in with the fact that their attempt to bring justice got a lot of innocents killed last game

I’d heard that fight was supposed to be hard, but I was overleveled as hell soooooo

“It was all a test!” Y’know, I saw that coming yet I’m still disappointed

Go find the compass, he says. What do you mean the cat that was suspiciously on the scene was being controlled by the catmancer. I never coulda guessed

Oh god she’s singing a song about cats and called herself a “meowsassin” can I give her an award for most obnoxious new character?

Wow. One scratch from that cat just straight up murdered Norzen. What the heck buddy

...the kaiser just said “Who’s a good kitty now? Who’s a good widdle kitty?” to Minette and I’m just ???

Mephilia vs. Kamiizumi sidequest. Gho Gettar has two choices: follow his dream and study with Mephilia to summon Amaterasu or follow Kamiizumi’s advice and go give his awful job another try. Not gonna lie here, I’m with Mephilia. While I agree with Kamiizumi wanting him to work hard, I feel like it would be better for him to work hard pursuing something he loves, rather than an awful job he hates just because that job is the right thing to do. And I’m with Mephilia: the break someone down so that you can build them up again mentality is fucked up and honestly more likely to cause someone to give up forever than actually help them

So naturally in the interest of making this the worst timeline and my own love of the summoner job, I’m gonna attack Mephilia. Sorry Gho, go back to your dead end minimum wage job for now

Well, at least Gho got promoted and is happy with his job. Still not super okay with condoning the “break them to make them” mentality

At the Harena Sea Caves for the compass. I think this was a demo location? It’s very familiar

Cats are here. I think we may be late

Goddamn my game hates the Harena Sea Caves. It’s crashed twice since I’ve been here. Thank god for autosaves

...does that compass just have a giant sword attached to the center?

Ah, but of course. Minette is here. (Just let me kill her already)

“Mewtralize” JUST STOP

Oh god Minette is calling herself a cat, and also the queen of all cats. She’s too far gone

Oh and the Kaiser loaned her a lion. Where did he...? Why...?

“Yew Mewnimeowgia” alright she’s dead I can’t take this anymore

Ultimately not a hard fight, but Minette can put the whole party to sleep which is annoying

Well she’s dead, but also handed off the compass to Janne. Annoying until her dying breath

Wait. According to the Journal she’s seventeen?!?! What?!?!?

Oh and it just flat out gives you a list of all the abilities and what creatures give them and the items needed. That’s WAY better than the Vampire blood magic from the last game

The Skyhold is still in Ancheim so the team is gonna see if they can get on it before it leaves. Through the Mill Works!

Ah, okay. So Catmancy skills are learned when ANYONE in the party is hit by a learnable attack, which the catmancer can then cast by using items. Interesting

Addendum: a catmancer/someone with Learning equipped must be in the party when the move is used

Magnolia is very impressed by the Ancheim windmills. Given that I assume the moon lacks an atmosphere that would make air power viable, I suppose that’s expected

Heyyy Private Piddler’s back

“I was hoping for someone more... competent” damn Janne is brutal

Janne is explaining why he hates the Crystalguard. Way back during the wars mentioned in the first game the Orthodoxy’s Crystalguard made a peaceful surrender when the Anticrystalists showed up BUT they also destroyed anyone who opposed the surrender... violently. Which included Janne’s parents. Yeah, I guess having your family murdered and erased from all historical records would screw you up pretty bad

Yeah Janne’s House Balestra was specifically killed by houses Geneolgia and Camlann. So Yew and Othar’s families killed Janne’s

Yew isn’t taking it well, but he’s also not buying it as an excuse. Sad backstory or not, Janne killed Yew’s friends and kidnapped Agnès. Basically, “cool motive, still murder.” And another reason to love Yew for the list

Aaaaand here’s Amphisbaena, which I’m gonna assume is the boss of the chapter. It’s uh... a two headed worm thing? Ugly as hell? One head is weak to magic and the other physical attacks. They also swap positions

A poor showing on my part: I forgot that using the Rejuvenation special attack would make all of my attacks heal so I ended up healing the damn thing back to full for a few rounds

Oh dear god according to the Journal that thing was PEOPLE, specifically one of a set of twins that ate its twin after being mutated. And since the twins were trying to protect Tiz they placed the monster in charge of defending his pod. Holy SHIT the Empire is messed up

Yeah any sympathy for the Empire gained from Janne is lost IMMEDIATELY after reading that

Yeah of course we’re not getting on the Skyhold. They sent their sniper after us

Wait... she’s shooting from EISENBERG? That’s across the ocean! How?

Foiled by a cowgirl and a bored baker. Typical

Also they’re probably dating? At least flirting really hard with each other

I wonder who the person doing the end-of -chapter narrations is supposed to be. She’s talking about love and figuring out if feelings will be true, which I’m not sure relates to what just happened, but alright

Wait the intro video is playing. Didn’t that already happen? Is that gonna happen every chapter? Like anime opening/ending credits? That’s neat, I guess, and it’s very pretty so I’m not complaining

And that ends Chapter 1! What a... strange series of events. I can already see where it’s improving on Bravely Default, and the story is already wackier, so I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if that’s a good thing or not. Until next time!

#bravely default #bravely second #liz liveblogs bravely second

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perspective-series · 4 years

Text

Lilliputian Perspective (9/10)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Fear, threats, treating someone like a monster, manipulation, and mention of eating people, and off-screen death

First chapter || Previous chapter || Next chapter

——————————————————————————————-

A short while later Roman noticed Virgil coming back. “Okay, well, it looks like the cave is actually done.” Virgil revealed and Roman frowned. Not really what he was hoping for when he said he wished something interesting would happen.

“Excellent.” Logan said, despite this scenario being far from ‘excellent’. “And how exactly am I to be transferred there?”

Virgil bit his lip. “...Would you be willing to go there of your own accord again? If we release the chain on your ankle?” Virgil asked.

“Yes, although given my cooperation I am still confused as to why the chains are necessary.” Logan admitted.

“Just precaution and so the people feel a bit...safer. Like I said, when my father comes back home, he’ll decide what actually happens to you. This is just...temporary, for now, until then.” Virgil explained.

“It seems like a lot of hassle for ‘temporary’.” Logan observed, looking down at the chain around his ankle. “How did you construct such a contraption so rapidly?”

Virgil blinked at the question. “Oh, uh...we’re fast builders?” Virgil said with a shrug, not knowing what else to say.

“It’s impressive, if not concerning.” Logan’s expression showed his amazement. It was a small contraption, yes, but not in comparison to the Lilliputians. How much of their metal had to be smelted for such a task? How did they create a mold of the correct size?

“Thanks?” Virgil said, a bit confused. “Anyway, are you ready?” He asked, a few guards already stepping forward to release the ankle chain.

Logan nodded, holding his leg still for the Lilliputians to do their work.

Virgil gave a motion and the guards hesitantly unhooks the chain before scrambling to get back and away from the giant. Virgil took several steps back as well, looking up at the giant as he bit his lip.

Logan rubbed at the spot where the chain had been, noting the red indent. He scooped Roman into his hands and carefully stood, cautious not to spook the guards any more than necessary.

“Lead the way, your highness.” Logan gestured forwards.

Virgil nodded and hopped on his horse, heading for the cave.

Roman looked up at Logan. “Now's your chance.” He whispered up at the giant.

But Logan just shook his head. It would be easy enough to escape from this small group of soldiers, but Logan could not remain in hiding for long. It would be foolish to try.

Roman huffed and crossed his arms. Welp, so much for that.

Virgil led Logan into the cave. “If you could just lay there and hold your arms out.” Virgil spoke.

“My arms?” Logan looked to the new chains as he sat down in the cave, attached to the back wall. “I thought you were restraining my ankle.”

“Well, we’re restraining that too.” Virgil revealed. “Now if you could lay down all the way.”

“How far am I being restrained?” Logan tried to get a gauge of how much his range of movement might be limited. “This seems excessive.”

“Again, it’s just to help the people to feel safer.” Virgil said, feeling nervous at the way Logan kept asking about it.

“Shouldn’t they already feel safe knowing I’m contained in the cave?” Logan pressed on. This cave was already much smaller than the one Roman had inhabited. “Why do my movements need to be so restricted?”

“It’s so you don’t escape, beast.” A voice came from the mouth of the cave. Virgil turned to see Dee there, coming over to stand next to Virgil. “Now, are you going to cooperate or were we right about you?” Dee asked, narrowing his eyes.

“I’m willing to cooperate, just as I have continued to prove.” Logan said firmly, looking down at the Lilliputians. “And because of my track record thus far I believe I should retain control over my upper limbs.”

“So you are going to disobey direct orders from our prince? Hmm, well that doesn’t seem very cooperative to me.” Dee said. Virgil bit his lip. He didn’t like how Logan was refusing him either, though more out of fear than anything.

“I am not disobeying.” Logan was quick to correct. “I was merely expressing a concern, and hoping to negotiate a compromise.”

“Well, this is non-negotiable. Now, I would lie down, or we’ll be forced to treat you like the beast we all think you are.” Dee smirked.

“And just what do you mean by that?” Logan inquired, not liking the advisor’s tone.

“Well, we have a fairly large army. I’m sure it wouldn’t take too long to cut you down to size.” Dee said, examining his nails. Virgil’s eyes went wide and he looked at Dee but the advisor ignored him for the moment.

“You can’t do that!” Roman yelled from his place on Logan’s hand. Dee scoffed.

“Of course, we can. And I will, if the giant doesn’t lie down and cooperate in the next few seconds.”

“There’s no need for violence, I’ll cooperate.” Logan grumbled, getting down to his stomach. He placed Roman near himself, sticking out his arms and feeling a bit foolish.

Dee smirked. “Good.” He then snapped his fingers and the guard quickly went to work in chaining the giant up. “Glad you decided not to give us too much trouble.”

Roman wanted to glare at the stupid advisor, but currently couldn’t see him due to Logan. So, instead, he turned towards the giant. “See? You should have left when you had the chance.”

“It’s not ideal, but I’ll manage.” Logan replied sternly, turning his chin down at a harsh angle to view Roman. “There is still a large amount of tension. This too shall pass.”

Roman frowned. “Whatever you say…” Though Roman highly doubted it.

The guards soon finished and quickly moved back. Dee grinned. “There we are, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Logan picked up Roman and maneuvered around to face him, feeling a bit foolish at the way he had to scoot around. He tried to just stand but quickly discovered the length of the chains would not allow him to stand any higher than a crouch. The two attached to his ankles were imbedded in the left and right sides of the cave respectively, and offered very little distance.

“It was not difficult, but it is demeaning.” Logan complained.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll get used to it.” Dee said with a smirk. “Well, I suppose we are done here. Good day, beast.” Dee left the cave, followed by the guards. Though some stayed planted in front of the cave to guard it and watch over Logan.

Virgil looked from Dee to Logan before sighing and following Dee out.

“Well, this is certainly not an improvement.” Logan tried to keep his tone light, but even he was feeling quite crestfallen.

“No, definitely not.” Logan looked absolutely miserable changed up like that. Roman shook his head. “I’m not sure how you’re gonna get out of this.”

“I am not.” Logan sunk back against the cave wall, holding Roman close to his chest. “All I can hope is to be released.”

“Yeah, well, good luck with that. It seems your only hope is the actual king.” Roman said, “which could take a while.”

“Hopefully not too long.” Logan murmured. He wasn’t sure how long he could last like this.

***

Virgil was sat down on his father’s throne, tapping his fingers nervously. He didn’t even feel like he deserved to sit atop it but his father had insisted to act as much like a king as possible while he was gone. Virgil sighed but it seemed like things might actually be turning around. He had just received word that a messenger had entered the kingdom. Meaning he would hear how far his father was and when he would officially come back.

Virgil focused when the large doors opened. First, Dee entered, followed closely by who Virgil assumed was the messenger. Virgil straightened but he was starting to grow more anxious the more he studied the messengers face. Why did he looks so solemn?

“Your majesty.” The messenger bowed. “I...have some tragic news.”

Dee took his place standing next to Virgil. “Please just get out with it.”

The messenger looked down but nodded. “The king...is dead.”

Virgil’s eyes widened. “...Wh-What?” No, no he had to have heard that wrong. But the messenger looked up at him sadly.

“I’m sorry, your highness. There was a run in with some bandits on the way back and...he didn’t make it. I’m sorry.” The messenger further explained and Virgil slumped back in the throne, staring down at the floor but his eyes were unfocused.

Dee frowned. “Well...that is certainly tragic.” A turn of events, sure, but one that played into his favor. Dee had to keep the smirk off his face though, especially as he turned to Virgil. “Sire?”

Virgil suddenly stood up, “I...I need to-to process this.” Virgil said before running off.

“Sire!” Dee called after him but Virgil kept going. He didn’t know where, he let his feet lead him. And where they led was to the spot he always went to when he wanted to be alone.

Except, he had forgotten for a moment, that the cave was currently occupied. He froze as he met the giant’s eyes.

Roman raised an eyebrow at the prince. Especially when he saw the tears streaming down his face.

Logan tensed, noting the royal’s distress as well. “...is everything alright, Your Highness?”

Virgil rubbed at his eyes. He should leave but then again, he didn’t really feel like going back out there and facing Dee. He wasn’t ready.

“M-My father...we got word back about him.” Virgil started.

“Finally!” Roman exclaimed. “Well, when is he getting back then?” He asked, which only caused more tears to stream down Virgil’s cheeks.

“Never. He’s dead.”

Roman’s eyes widened. “...Oh.” Well, now he felt bad.

“I- “ Logan fought for the correct words, feeling uncomfortable. Dealing with emotions was never his strong suit. “That must be quite overwhelming. I can imagine you are experiencing a very strong set of emotions.”

Virgil nodded, looking down. “Y-Yeah, just a-just a bit.” He couldn’t believe this was real. “I-I ran out as soon as I heard...I just, I couldn’t stay there.”

“Well, why did you come here?” Roman asked, knowing the prince was scared of the giant as much as everyone else. Virgil looked up at him and then shrugged.

“I don’t know, I...I guess I forgot that you guys were here for a moment.” Virgil admitted. The news of his father’s passing had pushed everything else way back.

“Were the two of you close?” Logan asked softly, trying to be delicate.

Virgil was silent for a moment before he nodded. “As close as we could be, with him being king and all. But despite all his duties, he always found time for me.” He rubbed at his eyes more. “It isn’t fair.”

Roman bit his lip, he wasn’t great with people who were crying or upset. But he felt his heart go out to the guy. It made him realize that the prince was really still just a kid.

“How did it happen?” Logan asked, his eyes giving the prince a pitying look. “If you feel inclined to share.”

Virgil shrugged. “The messenger said bandits. I didn’t really feel like sticking around for any details though.” He glanced up at Logan through his bangs. “...Why do you care?”

“It’s polite to ask.” Logan gave a small shrug. “That’s an unfortunate way to go, you have my sympathies.”

“...Thanks.” Virgil said, looking back down. “I think the worst part is, I won’t even have time to grieve. The kingdom needs a king and I’ll be thrown right into it.” He said with a sigh.

Roman winced. “Yeah, that is rough.”

“How does that work?” Logan inquired. “Will you at least have a few days of preparation and grief, or are you king as of this moment?”

“I’m technically still stand in king at the moment, but knowing Dee, he’s already preparing the coronation. For it to be official.” Virgil groaned, rubbing his hands over his face. “I never even wanted to be king.”

Roman raised an eyebrow at that. “What? Who wouldn’t want to be king?”

“It certainly would be a lot of pressure, Roman.” Logan reminded the Lilliputian. “Royalty is mostly politics and tough decisions. I for one would not want to be on the throne, and I can imagine the transition will only be more difficult with my presence.”

Roman hummed. “I...suppose you have a point.” All that pressure would certainly suck.

“Exactly.” Virgil sighed. “And yeah, now it’s up to me to decide what happens to you.” And...that was a big decision for Virgil to make.

“I understand if you cannot make a decision right away.” Logan admitted, knowing it must be quite difficult. “But, of all the castle dwellers I have met I can assure you I am thankful that you are the individual who will be deciding my fate.”

Virgil blinked. “R-Really? Why?” Virgil didn’t pride himself on making good decisions.

“You seem the kindest, even if you are easily manipulated.” Logan spoke bluntly. “If you rid yourself of that advisor I think you’ll make an excellent king. From our interactions, it's clear you’re attempting to do what you think is right, and you are one of the few individuals not only willing to consider my perspective but also talking to me as though I am a competent individual as well.”

“I mean, I think you’ve since proven yourself.” Virgil admitted. “And I never did like Dee. I’m not sure why Dad kept him around.”

“He’s a jerk, that’s for sure. An evil snake.” Roman said with a huff.

“Yeah, he isn’t great. You definitely don’t deserve to be executed either, Roman.” Virgil pointed out and Roman grinned.

“Why thank you, I think so too.” He was starting to like this prince more and more.

“What do the people think?” Logan asked, knowing the importance of public opinion. “Both about myself and Roman.”

“Uh, I mean, I’m not really sure about Roman. I think they feel bad he was given to you to eat.”

“As they should!” Roman exclaimed.

“As for you, Logan, well...they’re still very scared of you and what you might do.” Virgil admitted.

“I really do not wish to do anything.” Logan insisted. “But perhaps if you have been crowned, it would be possible for me to depart and leave you in peace.”

Virgil thought and then, slowly, he nodded. “Yeah. I think that’s the way to go.” He looked up at Logan. “I’m sorry about all the trouble we caused you, chaining you up and everything. I’ll do everything I can to help get you home.”

“I appreciate that most sincerely.” Logan assured him, giving a sigh of relief. Finally, finally things were beginning to look up. A pity Virgil had to lose a father for this to be the case.

Virgil nodded. “I better get back, but I’ll start making preparations. Hopefully I can get you out of this cave at least in the next two days.” He turned to leave but paused to look back at Roman. “Oh, and I’ll go ahead and pardon all your crimes too.”

Roman blinked. “Sweet! Thank you your majesty.” Virgil nodded and with that, he left, trying not to think too much of his father.

“Well, looks like things are finally looking up!” Roman exclaimed.

“Indeed they are.” Logan smiled genuinely for the first time since his arrival.

#gt #giant/tiny #thomas sanders #sanders sides #infinitesimal!sides #au #lillputian au #human!logan #giant!logan #lilliputian!roman #lilliputian!patton #lilliputian!virgil #platonic #lilliputian perspective #part 9

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instantdeerlover · 4 years

Text

NYC Restaurants React To The Return Of Indoor Dining added to Google Docs

NYC Restaurants React To The Return Of Indoor Dining

After months of doing what they could with just takeout, delivery, and outdoor service, NYC’s restaurants now prepare for the next step in reopening: indoor dining. Beginning September 30th, restaurants will be able to open for indoor dining at a reduced 25% capacity.

Indoor dining comes with a lot of uncertainties. That’s why The Infatuation & Zagat Stories have teamed up to bring the perspectives of industry workers to the forefront as they process their hopes, fears, optimism, and frustrations in this next restaurant phase.

We’ll continue to update this post with more voices as they come in. If you work in the restaurant industry in any capacity, and you would like to submit your own thoughts on indoor dining, send them to [email protected] and [email protected] and we’ll review them for posting here.

If want to support your favorite restaurants beyond dining with them, amplify the work of the Independent Restaurant Coalition and demand federal funding for non-chain restaurants. Check out their site here to send a letter to your representatives and find out more about spreading their message. And, if you do nothing else, please, for the love of democracy, register and make a plan to vote.

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INFATUATION NEWSLETTER Get our newest guides & reviews first,

plus more restaurant intel you won't find anywhere else. ATL ATX BOS CHI LDN LA MIA NYC PHL SF SEA DC Subscribe Smart move. Excellent information will arrive in your inbox soon. Do you have friends and family who also eat food? Enter their emails below and we’ll make sure they’re eating well. (Don’t worry, we won’t subscribe them to our newsletter - they can do that themselves.) Help Your Friends No Thanks Well done. You’re a good person. All good. We still like you. Want to quickly find restaurants on the go? Download The Infatuation app. Stacey Lee, Founding Partner of Harlem Hops in Harlem

“Reopening indoor dining is another way to obtain more income. We believe it’s important for processes to be in place to keep guests and workers safe and healthy. That’s what’s most important while opening our doors. We are cheering for our fellow bar owners and restaurant owners to weather this storm the best way they can. With indoor dining open, it allows us all to survive another day of Covid and keep our family of staff working.” 9/9/2020

NYC Review: Harlem Hops Read Paul Giannone, Owner of Paulie Gee’s and Paulie Gee’s Slice Shop in Greenpoint

“The 25% is not going to buy us very much at all. We’re going to be able to add 18 seats. But at least I know that, for now, I can have some business when the weather’s bad.

I don’t think there’s going to be a spike. I do worry about the ventilation. There’s a pilates studio two doors down. They put in these little boxes, they were $160 each. The health department came in and said they were fine. But I’m afraid to spend the money because each box covers about five hundred square feet per box, so I have to get a bunch of them. And then to find out that the particular health inspector that comes in on a certain day says they’re not good...

I’m in a particular part of the city where almost all of the people that live in our neighborhood - in Greenpoint - are from somewhere else. And the fact that they are from somewhere else and they’re young means many of them went back home. When they were here, not only did they come out and eat in our restaurant, but their friends and family came to visit them and came and ate, too. If they don’t come back, that’s a problem.” 9/10/20

NYC Review: Paulie Gee’s Slice Shop Read Juan Correa, Co-Owner of Llama Inn and Llama San in Williamsburg and the West Village

“My ultimate take is that if restaurant and bar owners and their employees will bear the economic burden of keeping the virus at bay and our society safe, then we should be compensated for that. What does that mean practically? Forgiveness of rent payments, forgiveness of utility bills, and a living salary for our employees. Governor Cuomo should stop protecting the large financial institutions, insurance companies, and the state-regulated utilities at the expense of the small folk.” 9/9/2020

NYC Feature: Llama San Reopens, & More NYC Restaurant Updates Read Maiko Kyogoku, Owner of Bessou in Noho

“While I’m glad we are slowly moving forward, 25% for us means about 15 more guests at any given time – that’s not enough to keep us going in the long run. We are also worried about the number of cities seeing spikes in Covid cases after opening for indoor dining and are wary of facing the same fate.

Adding to this restriction is the fact that we are one of many unfortunate businesses that occupy a street that is prohibited from offering outdoor dining every day. Bessou has been participating in NYC’s Open Streets program which allows us to operate for three days a week. It’s been a cumbersome system that the city needs to rethink if we are going to continue outdoor dining next year.” 9/10/2020

Nate Kuester, Chef and Co-Owner of BapBap in Flushing

“I’m excited to see friends, colleagues, and all restaurants catch a break. It’s incredible how we’ve adapted so far, although, it is not enough and we need help. The way that I see it is that we’ve accepted two paths: that of opening indoor dining and the alternative, which over the winter would put thousands of businesses, livelihoods, and hundreds of thousands of jobs in jeopardy.

That being said, safety should be the primary concern. Our arrogance and selfishness is a huge factor in preventing us from operating as safely as other countries like Denmark, Taiwan, or Korea. Knowing that there are thousands of new cases daily is still frightening, and to think that one meal could be responsible for a stranger’s death is enough for me to reconsider. The right decision is clear to me, but it’s on our local and federal governments. Is protection and rent forgiveness for small business owners and continued benefits for employees just something we’ve given up on?” 9/10/2020

Hallie Meyer, Owner of Caffe Panna in Gramercy

“My hope is that there’s some incremental help that this brings to business owners’ bottom lines, but also I’m concerned for what it might mean for staff safety. I don’t currently have a policy about serving people when they’re disrespectful or about what we will do when people don’t wear a mask inside. I’m definitely going to be investing in street heaters. Guests are probably more willing to enjoy their ice cream in a temporary setting on the sidewalk than they would be for a sit-down meal. So they’re going to be fine wearing their coats, licking an ice cream cone - they’re not going to be super frustrated. That said, I would love to invite people back inside eventually.” 9/9/2020

Gabriel Kreuther Chef/Owner of Restaurant Gabriel Kreuther in Midtown

“What a relief and a step in the right direction for the industry. We are super excited to welcome back our New York friends and family— they’ve been hoping for so long to go back to the places that make up the lifeblood of this city. After a near total devastation of this industry, we are finally starting to see the end of the tunnel with this amazing announcement. We are all looking forward to welcoming back our dear New York friends and to serve them once again. Thank you for giving us the oxygen that we so needed. We will be ready to welcome you and feed you, New York.” 9/9/20

Angie Mar, Owner & Executive Chef of The Beatrice Inn

“I think that 25% does nothing for restaurants so there has to be some legislation passed for additional funding to help us through this time. I’m especially disappointed in the mayor who has done nothing for our industry.“ 9/11/20

NYC Review: The Beatrice Inn Read Felipe Donnelly, Chef/Owner of Colonia Verde in Fort Greene

“I could not be happier that the political game that Di Blasio and Cuomo have been playing is starting to come to an end. Indoor dining will not be the straw that breaks the camel’s back with regards to Covid. Not if the restaurants are responsible and not if the diners are as well. We are smarter and better than what we get credit for.

I also think that Cuomo’s idea of creating a police force to enforce indoor dining is the complete opposite of what is needed right now. Happy to see 25% is a thing and I hope that expands very soon once we prove that we can do it right.” 9/9/20

NYC Guide: Where To Eat Outside in Fort Greene Read Yann de Rochefort, Founder of Boqueria

“Governor Cuomo’s announcement that we would be allowed to reopen with 25% capacity as of 9/30 is too little, too late for NY restaurants and their (former) 300,000 employees. No measures have been taken to provide rent relief while severely constraining thousands of businesses’ ability to generate revenue and pay their bills. This measure ignores the overwhelming evidence from numerous states including nearby CT and MA, that restaurants can be reopened for indoor dining without triggering a spike in cases of positivity provided that the social distancing measures already in place are followed.

While allowing indoor dining is a necessary step, it is time for real measures to allow restaurants to survive including broader indoor dining and rent relief. What other businesses could survive being deprived of income but held to satisfy landlords?” 9/10/20

Key Kim, Owner of Maki Kosaka in Flatiron

“This is great news and exactly what we have been waiting for. There will still be people who are worried about eating out but the good thing is that they will have the option to dine indoors or outdoors. We’re happy about the decision and are going to re-evaluate because offering fine dining will be very difficult. At 25%, that is still a reduced staff that is allowed so we still can’t bring everyone back. The first month will still be hard because our sales will take time to pick up. All of the diners who have been coming out are more comfortable doing so and want to support restaurants. I think those people are looking forward to indoor dining and will continue to support restaurants. I think this is very positive and people will be receptive to it.” 9/9/2020

NYC Review: Maki Kosaka Read Rohan Mehra, Co-founder of the Prusik Group & Operator of The Market Line on the LES

“The decision to allow indoor dining was certainly a welcome announcement for an industry that has been reeling to the point of catastrophe for the past several months. But this is still only a small step, as was the relaxation of outdoor dining regulations. Even with both outdoor dining and limited indoor dining, the most fortunate restaurant operators will see a small fraction of the revenue they need to sustain operations. It is incumbent on operators and guests alike to adhere to all guidelines so that this first step does not result in additional COVID spikes. If we can all band together as we did when we flattened the curve in NYC months ago, this will hopefully lead to further relaxation of restrictions.

But regardless of what happens, it is clear that the restaurant industry needs a specific and significant relief package to survive. Millions of jobs depend on it. Thousands of businesses depend on it. And the soul of our city depends on it.” 9/9/2020

Nate Adler, Owner of Gertie in Williamsburg

“It is going to take much more than a safe return to indoor dining at 25 or even 50% to get us back on our feet. My PPP funds are two weeks away from exhaustion, no government relief on the way and major questions remain that no one really knows the answer to: Will New Yorkers feel comfortable dining inside? Will we see a second surge, and then the ultimate demise of the industry as we know it? How many New Yorkers have left town for good, (especially in my neighborhood Williamsburg) and therefore how many fewer diners are there?

For me, nothing will really change with this announcement - we will not be “pivoting back” until we know more from a health and safety standpoint. What I do know is that we will still struggle every day, with no real end in sight, and will continue to rely on grant funding and our non-profit operations to survive.” 9/10/2020

NYC Review: Gertie Read

via The Infatuation Feed https://www.theinfatuation.com/new-york/features/nyc-restaurants-react-to-return-of-indoor-dining Nhà hàng Hương Sen chuyên buffet hải sản cao cấp✅ Tổ chức tiệc cưới✅ Hội nghị, hội thảo✅ Tiệc lưu động✅ Sự kiện mang tầm cỡ quốc gia 52 Phố Miếu Đầm, Mễ Trì, Nam Từ Liêm, Hà Nội http://huongsen.vn/ 0904988999 http://huongsen.vn/to-chuc-tiec-hoi-nghi/ https://trello.com/userhuongsen

Created September 12, 2020 at 02:42AM /huong sen View Google Doc Nhà hàng Hương Sen chuyên buffet hải sản cao cấp✅ Tổ chức tiệc cưới✅ Hội nghị, hội thảo✅ Tiệc lưu động✅ Sự kiện mang tầm cỡ quốc gia 52 Phố Miếu Đầm, Mễ Trì, Nam Từ Liêm, Hà Nội http://huongsen.vn/ 0904988999 http://huongsen.vn/to-chuc-tiec-hoi-nghi/ https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1xa6sRugRZk4MDSyctcqusGYBv1lXYkrF

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thecrookedgavel · 4 years

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 4 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 4 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. At this point, episodes one, two, and three are up, I’m super happy with some of the responses I got. People said a lot of encouraging things to me about my own stories I told. It’s really gratifying to bare your soul and have people respond positively. It’s strange that I wasn’t even planning on telling such stories when I recorded episode one, but I’m glad I decided to be real with you all. Obviously, I got some negative responses too, but in cases like these, they’re best ignored.

So let’s get on to the episode! Today’s episode continues with the vibe of the previous one. Lots of positive energy to go around. Last time, Emmy starting dating Selena, came out as trans, and started loving herself. It was great to see her perspective on such positive things, but there is a clear difference this time around. Emmy has started conversing with Selena through reblogs on her Tumblr. So we get to see how they interact as a couple, and the things that they do together.

We’ll start off with a rather affectionate series of posts that contains a bit of cool news. I’ll try and do a distinct enough voice for when Selena is talking, but just in case it’s not enough, I’m going to say when the switch happens outloud.

Starting off with Emmy,

“Here’s my newest piece of art that I made! And it’s a very special picture, too! Can you guess why?” There was likely a photo that started off this thread, but again, I didn’t save any of Emmy’s art. Selena responds with,

“Omg bae, this can’t be what I think it is? Could it be the one you were telling me so much about?”

Emmy Continues,

“Yeah, it is! It’s my first commission! Someone wanted me to draw their OC in my style, and so they gave me a 20 dollar Steam code in exchange! I feel almost legitimate now!”

Then Selena writes,

“Emmy, don’t be silly. You’ve always been a legitimate artist. From the time you started drawing until today, you’ve always been legitimate. Your art is wonderful, and I can’t wait to see your next work!

Emmy responds with,

“Aww, you’re the sweetest! Maybe I’ll dedicate my next piece to you.”

And it continues a bit, but that gives us a good idea of their chemistry together. Now, I don’t remember these posts from the time they were first written, so I only really saw the picture once. I don’t remember it well, but I think it was a full-body shot of a punk character in Emmy’s sort of feminine style. I sort of regret not saving the pictures, but then again, how would I show them to you?

But I want to point out how natural and sweet these two are together. They’re good for one another, and it really shows in this post. I’m also noticing that Emmy’s imposter syndrome is toned down at this point in time. I think that’s mostly due to Selena’s influence, because it can still crop up even when you’re getting paid. Though we should take a minute to celebrate Emmy getting paid, because getting commissioned is a big deal! Normally discussing prices associated with your art turns people off it completely. So I’m really glad she made some progress.

Next up we have another post with both of them talking, and the topic is rather serious. This time, they’re advocating for trans rights. They’re both against Bathroom Bills being passed. For those of you who don’t know, every once in a while, America tries to legislate where trans folk are allowed to use the bathroom. In Emmy’s state, they want to force people to use the bathroom labelled by their “birth sex”. I’ll let Emmy and Selena explain further. Emmy starts us off,

“I know I’m a little late to the party, but fuck this bathroom bill bullshit! I can’t believe the government wants to decide where we can pee yet again! I don’t go out much, but when I do, I obviously have to use the boy’s bathroom because I’m still in the closet to my dad. But when I do, it just feels awful. It’s another reminder that I don’t look like how I feel on the inside. It may sound dumb, but I honestly feel defeated every time I get misgendered by that dumb sign. I hate it, and I know other trans girls like me feel the same way. To make it illegal for us to use the girl’s bathroom even if we pass is straight bullshit! Fight for trans rights and oppose this stupid bill!”

Selena reblogs this, writing,

“I agree entirely. And I feel the same way when I’m forced to use the men’s room. Like, I am not a man??? So I don’t think that works for me. People say that without this bill, trans women will attack cis women in washrooms. However, that’s just a fear tactic that relies on the idea of trans women being predatory. Which is not the case!!! Say no to this bill! Trans rights are human rights!”

You tell them, girls! Trans rights are indeed human rights. And humans have the right to use the bathroom without fear of being arrested or beat up. Because that’s the choice a lot of us face when we don’t fully pass. Like, sometimes I go out in dresses or flannels with the buttons on the other side, and if I have to use a public restroom, *sigh* I face a difficult choice. Do I go to the men’s room and risk getting beat up for dressing a certain way? Or do I go to the lady’s room and risk getting kicked out of the building? Honestly, it’s not so bad for me, because it’s illegal to be beat up or kicked out due to one’s gender expression in Canada, but just because it’s illegal, doesn’t mean someone won’t try it. In America, under these types of bathroom bills, people who are mid-transition or non-binary would have to make very difficult choices if they needed to use a bathroom in public. Even folks who fully pass would have to risk getting arrested in order to use the washroom they would appear to belong in. *Sigh* Trying to hold it in may be safer sometimes, and that’s honestly messed up.

These two posts I did see when they initially posted them. I was very proud of them for advocating for trans rights. Though honestly, when you’re trans it’s kind of hard not to advocate for yourself. It’s a position without the privilege to turn a blind eye to injustices, you see. You can’t help but see how badly people like you are treated, so many of us speak up and try and be heard. We often fail.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer. *Sigh* These topics just get to me sometimes, and I think it’s important to share what I’m feeling about this, especially in case you don’t have a trans person in your life at the moment.

Ok! So our next few posts are about a less serious topic, but one that Emmy and Selena are both very passionate about: Overwatch. I should explain that in competitive video games, developers will change the power levels of their characters in order to make the game more to their liking. Or, as it usually goes, to try and make it so that the community likes it more. The two of them are talking about one of those changes. Emmy starts us off with a post titled,

“Not My Girl!

Nooo, I can’t believe they’re nerfing Mercy! Blizzard just announced that they’re changing it so that mercy can no longer do a 5-man rez. In fact, she can only rez one hero at a time now. Why? What was the problem with how it was before? Now her ultimate is flying around, which she could already do in a pharmercy! If she’s really, really different I probably won’t even play anymore…”

Then we get a reblog from Selena,

“Noooo, bae! If you stop playing, who will I play with? You can’t seriously want to quit playing! Maybe new Mercy will be really good, we don’t know yet. Let’s at least wait until the patch comes and see what everyone else thinks.”

And we get a final response from Emmy,

“You’re right, I wouldn’t want to stop playing with you over this. That would be weird to not play Overwatch together anymore. I just hope that Blizzard knows what they’re doing this time. I mean, I may have to pick a new main, but I swear I’ll still play with you!”

It can be common for changes to Overwatch to be met with a lot of resistance. A lot of the time, when something you love about the game changes drastically, it can make sense to want to play something else. It is a little ironic that Emmy is worried about Mercy in this particular change, as it actually boosted her power level to the highest it ever was. So much so, there was like a year following it of nerfs to bring Mercy’s power down. I wonder what the two of them would think about the newest changes to the game?

Although, I didn’t save any of her art, I do remember her personal art being a lot more light hearted at this point. There’s the obvious couple-y pictures but then there’s the more abstract stuff. Let’s just say that the imagery with chains and the like were gone from her work. That is, until after this post I’m about to read. *Sigh* I feel the need to warn you all first that it really changes the tone of the episode. If you’re not up for it, put this episode aside until you are. The post is titled,

“My Dad Read My Discord Messages

Sorry I haven’t been posting the past couple of days, some awful shit has happened to me. So I was a complete idiot and left Discord open on my phone. My Dad was suspicious of me, I guess, so he went through my phone and read through my conversations with Selena. And what he saw, he really didn’t approve of. Not only does he know I’m trans, but he knows I’m dating a latina girl.

He was really fucking mad, I could tell from his handwriting from the letter he wrote to me. I can’t tell if he was more upset about me dating a girl, or that she was latina. After I confronted him with a letter of my own, he yelled at me. He knows I can’t understand him when he does that, but he did it anyways. In his first letter, he said it was a sin against God to have thoughts like this, and I’m sure he repeated it a lot out loud, too. I’m really afraid that he’s going to send me to conversion therapy or some shit like that, but then again, that would mean sending me out into the real world. What if he tries to convert me himself? I’m scared that he’s going to try and hurt me. But Leelah’s Law makes conversion therapy illegal right? But still…

He’s taken discord off my phone, which sucks, but at least I still have Tumblr. I’ll just have to make sure I log out every time now. I’m really happy that I have Selena on my side, my Dad can’t stop our love!”

Remember when I said Emmy’s Dad was kind of a piece of shit? This is what I had in mind. The fact that Emmy isn’t even sure that he won’t try and convert her forcibly really shows what kind of person he is. And I hate to say this, but Leelah’s Law only makes conversion therapy Illegal for minors. Emmy is over 18 at this point, so it’s not illegal if she is coerced to accepting the “help” needed to make her no longer trans. Not like conversion therapy actually makes you not queer, *sigh* it’s all a load of shit anyways.

I don’t really feel the need to discuss why violating your child’s privacy is an awful thing to do, and I don’t think I need to explain why using religion as an excuse to hate doesn’t absolve you of being a bigot. I’m kind of not in the mood to do so either way. We have more episode to get through, and it’s not going to be pretty.

Our next post is another one of Selena’s poems. But before I read it, I need to give a little context. I debated including a post before this one that talked a bit about Selena’s family situation, but I decided against it because this podcast is supposed to be about Emmy. It’s easier if I give a few facts here instead.

So Selena doesn’t really have the most understanding family when it comes to queer issues, so although she’s been identifying as trans longer than Emmy has, she too has been completely closeted. Selena has several siblings, including some sisters, one of which is about the same clothing size as her. *Sigh* You may see where I’m going with this. I remember seeing a post on Selena’s tumblr where she talked about secretly wearing her sister’s clothes a couple of times, and getting away with it. I have a feeling she pushed her luck too far shortly after she made that post. Again, if you’re not ready to hear a post like this, there’s nothing wrong with putting the episode aside until you are. The poem is called,

“My Truth Reduced to Lies

What do you do when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime? Or if there was no crime in the first place?

When all I wanted was to appear as I feel,

How dare you tell me what I did was wrong?

My radiance ripped into timidness

My dignity pushed into shame

My integrity beaten into obedience

My daring smashed into fear

My truth reduced to lies

You tell me that being draped in belonging is worthy of this punishment?

I tell you you’re the evil ones

If my mistake was to be as I feel, it’s something I will never do again

But if I’m forced to live a lie, should I live at all?”

*Sigh* And then Emmy reblogged it saying: “Please don’t tell me this means what I think it does...:”

I’m so sorry Emmy, but I think it does mean what you think. *Deep breath* I feel so awful about this, because this poem never crossed my dashboard. I would have said something! I would have messaged Selena and… I don’t know, what I could have done… but it would have been better than doing nothing! *Sigh* I’m not really in the mood to give my usual analysis or whatever of the post, and I definitely don’t have some magical story from my life that will tie it all together in a neat little bow.

*Tearing up* Like, people treat trans kids like this, and then wonder why our suicide rate is so damn high! The life expectancy for a trans woman is like 40 years! Things aren’t magically fixed because we’re now trending on Twitter or some shit! They beat her. They beat her because of who she was, and I can’t… *sobbing* I just can’t right now, this episode is over.

-----

Hey all, An here. I’m sorry about breaking down before. This is me recording again on a different day. I took a much-needed break from things, practiced some self care, and I’m feeling more centred than last time. I think I got too close emotionally to the subject matter. *Sigh* I doubt I was giving good commentary, I just sort of shut down before I started… well, you know. Anyways, I’m recording this because the episode is in fact, not over. There’s more to discuss here before we can end things off, otherwise the last episode of the season becomes too much to digest in one sitting.

I feel a little dumb for blowing up like I did, but I think it’s important that I leave it in the podcast. I want to take this journey together, and it feels wrong to hide my emotions from you all. I want to be real with you, you know? But yes, I’m feeling better, so let’s get started. The posts are still of an upsetting nature, by the way. That will be the norm for a while. Emmy posts something titled: “I Don’t Know

I don’t know how I let everyone talk me into putting myself out there, I’m such a piece of shit. My art is trash, just like me. It will always be shit, I improve too slowly for it to mean anything. I hate looking at it, so you probably do too.

Things are bad with my Dad. He won’t respond to me, and the way he looks at me now, it’s so full of hate. Not like I don’t deserve it.

To top it all off, Selena dumped me yesterday. Can you blame her? I certainly can’t. Why did I ever believe I was worth dating? So much for fate, I guess… “

Yikes. It’s clear, to me at least, that this isn’t our Emmy talking. It’s her depression from being Bi-Polar talking here. She had several terrible things happen to her in such a short time, that her mental illness has essentially taken over. Selena breaking up with her is sort of the last straw. But I really don’t think it happened because Selena no longer had feelings for Emmy, but because she’s going through a lot right now with her whole family against her. Honestly, being in a relationship with someone who reminds you of being trans was probably too much to handle when you’re being forced back into the closet. I did see this post, and I offered some words of encouragement to Emmy and told her that things get better. It’s something you hear a lot, but I believe it’s true. At least I want to believe it’s true. I don’t know if she ever read it, because I never got a response to that message.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I hope I didn’t take you on too much of a ride today. Sending my best wishes to anyone who is feeling down right now. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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Inside Schizophrenia: Working With Schizophrenia

Everyone complains about work. Having to go to work every day, working too much, not getting paid enough- working can be challenging for so many reasons. Today’s episode focuses on working while having schizophrenia.

Host Rachel Star Withers, a diagnosed schizophrenic, and co-host Gabe Howard share antidotes from their own work lives and speak with fellow schizophrenic Michelle Hammer. Michelle, an award-winning graphic designer and entrepreneur, discusses her struggles working full time and transitioning to working for herself. Cheryl Wallace the Vice President of Programs at Rose Hill Center, a psychiatric treatment and rehabilitation center, also joins this episode and speaks about how Rose Hill facilitates programs to help people with schizophrenia rejoin the workforce after a psychotic episode.

Highlights From “Working With Schizophrenia” Episode

[01:15] Rachel’s weird job history.

[03:00] Is it Rachel’s schizophrenia or her dislike for normal work?

[05:00] Being a stunt woman with schizophrenia.

[10:50] Guest interview with artist Michelle Hammer.

[13:43] Michelle’s family reacts to her decision to start her own business.

[16:13] Michelle’s advice to other people with schizophrenia who want to start a business.

[21:00] How Family and Friends can help.

[29:00] Reasonable Accommodations.

[34:00] Do you tell an employer you have schizophrenia?

[37:38] Guest interview with Cheryl Wallace the Vice President of Programs at Rose Hill Center

[46:34] It’s okay to work part-time, it’s okay to do what you need to do.

About Our Guests

Entrepreneur and Artist Michelle Hammer is an NYC native. She was diagnosed at 22 with schizophrenia. With her artistic talents and fearless personality, she founded Schizophrenic.NYC; a clothing line with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. Schizophrenic.NYC takes a portion of the profits and donates to organizations in NYC that help out with the mentally ill population of NYC.

www.schizophrenic.nyc

Cheryl Wallace is the Vice President of Programs at Rose Hill Center. As one of the nation’s leading long-term mental health facilities, Rose Hill Center in Holly, Michigan offers comprehensive psychiatric treatment and residential rehabilitation services for adults, 18 and over, on 400 peaceful and serene acres. They offer effective therapeutic modalities including group and individual therapy and responsible medication management. Each week while living in on-campus townhomes, participants commit to 30 hours of meaningful activity. Some individuals will attend educational classes, find paid employment, or volunteer in the community.

www.rosehillcenter.org

Computer Generated Transcript for “Working With Schizophrenia” Episode

Announcer: Welcome to Inside Schizophrenia, a look into better understanding and living well with schizophrenia. Hosted by renowned advocate and influencer Rachel Star Withers and featuring Gabe Howard.

Rachel Star Withers: Listeners, could a change in your schizophrenia treatment plan make a difference for you? There are options out there you might not know about. Please visit oncemonthlydifference.com to find out more about the benefits of once monthly injections for adults with schizophrenia.

Rachel Star Withers: Welcome to Inside Schizophrenia. I am Rachel Star with my wonderful co-host here, Gabe Howard. Everyone complains about work going to having to go to work every day, working too much, not getting paid enough working can be challenging for so many reasons. But we’re going to explore working while having a serious mental health issue like schizophrenia. So I’ve done so many weird jobs, Gabe, like across the board. I was a wedding videographer for one day, one day and halfway through the day after the third bride came in complaining about their work. I was like, I I can’t do this. And I literally got up and left and I was like, you don’t have to pay me for today. I’m really sorry.

Gabe Howard: Do you feel that living with schizophrenia contributed to that because like you said, it’s boring, you’re sitting behind a monitor all day and then there’s confrontation, there’s chaos, and then there’s this whole, you know, wedding industry that we know about. Was all of that too much pressure? Because we know that you’re an accomplished video editor. There’s no question about that. What about this? Made it too much.

Rachel Star Withers: I think that it was such an open atmosphere like there. You could see everybody and you were sitting there nine to five video editing with all these people around. If I could have been sent the footage and done it at home, I probably would’ve been fine. But yeah, it was a lot and a lot of confrontation as far as people coming in. And weddings are boring.

Gabe Howard: So what other jobs have you had? I mean, we know about schizophrenic stunt girl, which we’ll get to at the end. What are some other just normal regular 9:00 to 5:00 jobs for Rachel Star?

Rachel Star Withers: Well, I haven’t had many 9 to 5 jobs, but of the ones I’ve had? One was I worked at a Christian furniture store in their marketing. And if you’re not from the south. Yes, that’s the thing. We have a lot of Christian stores like. That’s part of it. It’s in the logo is a giant cross.

Gabe Howard: Wow. Now, how long were you employed by the furniture store?

Rachel Star Withers: I was there for six months, which is like amazing for me to work or full time job for six months. And that killed me. I was oh, gosh, I mean, I. Towards the end, I eventually just went to one of the bosses, like, I can’t take this. I’m genuinely sorry. I guess I always feel so bad, like quitting something. I always apologize. Like, if I’m sorry, this place is horrible, but I’m sorry I led you to believe I’d be a good worker and I cannot take it here.

Gabe Howard: Just to be clear, do you think that it was because of living with schizophrenia that made you not be able to take it or was there something else going on or is it is it this kind of gray area where maybe it was a little bit of both? Is that hard to tease out?

Rachel Star Withers: I would say it’s absolutely a gray area. A major part was my schizophrenia. I have a very hard time doing the same thing day after day. I have a hard time doing the same thing for hours on end. About four hours in, I’m out. It’s just hard for me to pay attention. And that’s not like, oh, what about a lunch break mixes it up? Nope. If I’m stuck in the same place, it’s too much for me, and especially when it’s the situation of a desk. If I like literally stay in one place. Oh, I just go crazy. I can do it for about a few days. And then I start getting weird and I go downhill quick.

Gabe Howard: And I understand why you’re calling that a gray area because, for example, my father is a truck driver, my brother is an electrician. My brother in law is a police officer. And I point that out because none of them have schizophrenia and they all feel the exact same way that you do. They’re like, put me at a desk and that’s death. I don’t want to do it. That is horrible for them. They love doing stuff on their feet, working with their hands, moving around the city. I would hate all of those things. Like I don’t like to go outside. Now, I don’t want to be chained to a desk either, but I don’t want to do manual labor. So you learned that in your the beginning of their career. Sitting behind a desk bad. So then you started to get into some more like creative jobs. What were your jobs after the Christian furniture store?

Rachel Star Withers: Oh, I’ve bounced all over personal training. I’ve been a personal trainer. I’ve worked in gyms that’s always been like a kind of a side job for me. Every gym in the area here of Charlotte, I’ve worked in all of them.

Gabe Howard: Did you do better there?

Rachel Star Withers: So I’m totally fine if it’s a part time job or idealists say three times a week, they’re totally fine. I’m good with it. But if I have to go like day after day, I can’t take it. Even doing the same activity day after day, it just it wears on me and I get burnt out bizarrely quick.

Gabe Howard: And then you moved on from from personal training. You did what has really lasted the longest, right? The stunt woman. The modeling, the acting instructor. So you found your niche. And the reason that I bring that up is not because you’re really, really good at it, because you are really, really good at it, but because you went through a lot of different jobs to find the thing that work. Now, being a stuntwoman sounds really cool. But but from a job perspective, remove the cool and talk about that the day to day, the nuts and bolts. Why has this lasted? In a way that personal trainer at a gym or marketing at a furniture store or videographer for didn’t?

Rachel Star Withers: I started making stupid videos of myself after I got obsessed with Wild Boys, which was a spinoff of Jackass.

Gabe Howard: Jackass was a show where people filmed themselves doing stupid stunts or just doing stunts. I mean, we don’t even have to put stupid in front of it. Just just ridiculousness.

Rachel Star Withers: Yes. Things you shouldn’t do, things cmmon sense would say, “Don’t do that.”

Gabe Howard: And you did them and for example, like laying on a bed of nails, like walking across glass, you know, you’ve done some of these things and you still do them to this day and you excel at them and people enjoy watching them. And you you’ve made a career

Rachel Star Withers: Mm hmm.

Gabe Howard: Out of it.

Rachel Star Withers: Yeah. My thing was let’s see what’s possible and have fun, so it wasn’t so much like, oh my gosh, that’s so amazing you can do that. It was I show everything. I showed the complete fails. That’s usually what’s funny is the fact that I’m trying something that is clearly not going to work. But sometimes it does. And even I surprise myself. And you can probably tell by my voice, I’m more excited talking about that because it was something that was interesting to me and I was very lucky that I put it on the Internet and a TV show contacted me and I’d never realized, oh, I could make money at this because I was just being stupid of and that was like 14 years ago. And it kind of evolved into me going to full on stunt school to try and actually be in movies for it and different things. And, you know, as you do one thing, you learn others. And I learned about how to do all types of other entertainment similar to this podcasting.

Gabe Howard: But here’s something that I want to touch on for a moment, you know, I first met you at an event and you talked about setting yourself on fire and full disclosure. I met you as a woman living with schizophrenia. You talked about setting yourself on fire. And I immediately thought, OK, that’s not good. That sounds very bad. Now, you went on to explain that, hey, look, there’s a safety protocol. And I started thinking, I’m like, wow, that there are a lot of safety protocols now. Now, again, as somebody who lives with bipolar disorder, I would like to think that I’m above creating stigma or believing stereotypes. But but I’m not. I thought to myself, how does a woman living with schizophrenia set herself on fire and keep herself safe? Can you talk about that for a moment? Because if you don’t follow all of these safety protocols, you could get very hurt.

Rachel Star Withers: I have been hurt a few times, but it had nothing to do with my schizophrenia. Yeah, no, it’s funny because I started out doing crazy stunt videos and things. I didn’t talk about my schizophrenia. I didn’t open up publicly about it until years later. And I’ve always been very careful to not combine the two. It’s I’ve never made a video like, yo, I’m Rachel, I’m schizophrenic. Let me go run my head into a wall. Like, they’re very like I’ve always kept it separate because for me to safely do stunts and for one for them to be entertaining, I have to be all mentally here. So I can’t even film when I’m off. And when it comes to fire, I usually I have a spotter and whatnot and many times it’s my father. So like nothing bad could happen from, let’s say. Me not being fully there.

Gabe Howard: And you recognize that and make make good decisions that the people around you are also empowered to say, hey, maybe today is not the day.

Rachel Star Withers: Yeah, I’m never really filming alone, doing anything, there’s always someone there just as backup around, even on my little baby stunts. So yeah, the bigger the stunt, the more people actually have that have to help me with it.

Gabe Howard: I bring this up because a reasonable person hearing that somebody’s job was stunt person would think, OK, well, they have help. They have safety nets in place. They sometimes literally safety nets. But like you said, they’re not just running around with a camera doing these dangerous things all by themselves. But in your situation, also living with schizophrenia, you’ve also built up a safety net around not being off to make sure that you are mentally able to complete the stunt and relying on the people around you and yourself to know what that is. So again, that we get to the gray area, right, because living with schizophrenia is not the only types of people that have to be perfectly well to do stunts.

Rachel Star Withers: Right.

Gabe Howard: So being in control of these things and making sure keeps you and everybody else safe.

Rachel Star Withers: Right. And just distress. I have been trained, I have actually gone to stunt school. And yes, it’s not even just. Oh, well, I’m mentally sane, I can totally set myself on fire and watch this YouTube video on how to do it. Like, no, I have actually went to like a school for it and I’m constantly doing trainings and things to learn the correct way to do things. It’s just like getting a job. You have to be trained to do it.

Gabe Howard: Speaking of boring at 9 to 5 jobs. We got to interview Michelle Hammer. Now Michelle Hammer is the owner of Schizophrenic.NYC. It’s a clothing line that empowers people with mental illness to be their best self. She’s also going to talk about being a graphic designer in New York City who lost a number of jobs before she came to terms with what she could do and what she couldn’t do as far as being a person who lives with schizophrenia in the workplace.

Rachel Star Withers: I absolutely love Michelle and she has done so much. Let’s talk to her right now.

Rachel Star Withers: We’re here with our first guest, Michelle Hammer, who is an award winning graphic designer and an entrepreneur with her Web site being schizophrenic.NYC. Michelle, it might come as a shock, but you’re schizophrenic too, right?

Michelle Hammer: I believe so. I’ve been told that many, many times. I hope so.

Rachel Star Withers: So in your work career, you’ve actually worked for some pretty big design firms. What was that like?

Michelle Hammer: It can be very difficult because, you know, you work on your design and then you get asked to get approved by a million different people. And it’s just annoying and it’s frustrating. So I like to just not do that anymore.

Rachel Star Withers: What have you found to be the biggest challenges working for other businesses?

Michelle Hammer: Just dealing with the hierarchy of other people telling me what to do all the time, especially when you’re schizophrenic and you’re trying really hard to pay attention on what you’re doing and then people just keep giving you direction. And it’s just really confusing. Just cognitive skills aren’t that great, sometimes, you know, when you’re schizophrenic and you just try to understand as much as you can and you try your best. But sometimes it’s just really hard working for other people.

Rachel Star Withers: As far as with the schizophrenia, were you ever just kind of like unable to revise something?

Michelle Hammer: It’s not that I was unable to revise things. It was just frustrating a lot of times when you’re just hearing voices in your head or you’re just talking to delusions or hallucinations. It’s just there are really big distractions sometimes. You don’t really understand what people are really saying to you or you’re not understanding the direction or the rules or there are so many things on your plate. It’s hard to, you know, really understand like this. Do this here, do this here, do this here, do this here and just kind of try to problem solve your way through every single thing you have to do can be very, very challenging.

Rachel Star Withers: So you went from having what I would assume is some pretty coveted jobs for artists working for these firms to putting that aside and working for yourself. What was the biggest challenge in doing that switch? That’s hard for anybody, but especially when you have a mental disorder going on.

Michelle Hammer: Yes. So eventually I just I couldn’t work for anybody else anymore. It just wasn’t working out. I couldn’t do it. I can’t work. I can’t get in at 9 a.m. anymore. It was too much. I decided I’m going to work for myself. And that was interesting. I just kind of just went right into it and started just starting schizophrenic.NYC, my mental health clothing line. Just made some shirts and went to a pop up shop at the Long Island City Flea and was like, Hey, buy my shirts.

Gabe Howard: How long ago did you start schizophrenic.NYC?

Michelle Hammer: This is my fourth year, I started in May 2015.

Rachel Star Withers: When you first decide to do this, were your family and friends, like, really supportive or they were like, oh, Michelle, no?

Michelle Hammer: Oh, my goodness. It’s actually like my my mother contacted my doctor. I was like, what is she doing? Like, what is she spent a lot of money on these T-shirts? What is she doing? And even my doctor was like, are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure you want to tell everyone you have schizophrenia? Do you really want to do this? Is it something you’d really want to do? And I was like, yeah, I’ll do it. Yeah, yeah. I really want to do it. And everyone around me was like, are you are you sure? And I was like, yes, I want to do this.

Gabe Howard: Just to clarify, the issue wasn’t whether or not they felt you could start a business. The issue was whether or not you should boldly and loudly proclaim that you’re a person living with schizophrenia.

Michelle Hammer: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: So they had full faith in your ability to start and run a business. Even with your mental disorder, they just questioned the type of business.

Rachel Star Withers: From this, you know, you’ve branched off. I have some of your artwork where you can buy some of Michelle’s artwork at different things, but also the T-shirts, the different inspirations, kind of that you put out. The “Don’t be paranoid. You look great.” I love that. Where do you see the future of schizophrenic.NYC going?

Michelle Hammer: Oh, my goodness. The future of schizophrenic.NYC, who knows? We’ll see. We’ll see what’s happening. I’ve been working with a lot of advocacy, everything that’s going on right now with the gun violence and blaming the mentally ill. I had a protest in Union Square in New York City and we’re just trying to just keep going. Keep fighting the man and keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Have a new shirt that we came up with that says, “I am mentally ill and I don’t kill.” And we’ve gotten a ton of preorders on it and can’t wait till they’re ready for everyone to wear and everyone to just wear. A big sign that says that on their shirt, to start more conversations and to just start a whole movement of please stop blaming us, please.

Gabe Howard: I love how you frame that. And it’s also important to point out that you’ve really evolved past your stated goal of just being a graphic designer and selling shirts. You’ve branded yourself as a personality. You’re your own public relations firm and you really do a lot of work in a very high level.

Rachel Star Withers: Your advice to other people in our situation with a mental health disorder? Because I think you have the fear of one starting a business. But then the fear of what do I do if I can’t handle it? Sometimes I have like little mental attacks or I’m like, oh, my God, I don’t know if I can handle this. What is your biggest advice to people like us?

Michelle Hammer: Just go for it. Just try it. You can’t do anything. You don’t know if it’s gonna work or if it’s not going to work if you don’t try. Just try. I get messages all the time on my Instagram. Like, how can I start a business like you? How can I start something like this? And my answer always is. Hustle, hustle, hustle. Just hustle. I used to have a pop up shop where I started at 10 a.m. and then I would leave at 10 p.m. Twelve hours. Just hustle. Talked to as many people as I could talk to. Just sell for as long as I can. I was out there forever, just trying my hardest. Meeting as many people, talking to as many people. And I have great stories. I would meet people and I would tell them that I had schizophrenia and everyone that I would meet, they would either say they had a mental illness or friend of theirs op a family member of theirs does, or where they work in the mental health field. So it always baffles me why there is so much stigma around mental illness, especially in New York City, where one in five individuals has a mental illness. But nobody talks about it because of all the stigma. So really just trying to, you know, change the conversation. Change the conversation.

Gabe Howard: Is it fair to say that running a business is the same for somebody with schizophrenia as somebody without schizophrenia? There’s no magical difference in rules. I mean, business is business.

Michelle Hammer: Business is business and people are going to judge you differently. If you’re running a business with schizophrenia or not, they’re going to say it’s 10 times harder for you.

Gabe Howard: Is it 10 times harder for you?

Michelle Hammer: Well, I wouldn’t know because I’ve never run a business not being schizophrenic.

Gabe Howard: Excellent point. Thank you, Michelle.

Michelle Hammer: Yeah.

Rachel Star Withers: Michelle, do you have anything you want to promote specifically coming up?

Michelle Hammer: Not anything specifically coming up, but you can totally buy my stuff at schizophrenic.NYC and love everything. T-shirts, pillboxes, artwork, leggings and you know, I got tons of anything you desire.

Gabe Howard: Michelle designed the book cover for “Mental Illness Is an Asshole” as well. I mean, you do a lot of design work outside of your own advocacy work and your own brand as well. I mean, you’re quite prolific. Do you have a website for your graphic design work?

Michelle Hammer: Yes, it’s HammerTimeDesign.com.

Gabe Howard: I highly recommend.

Michelle Hammer: Yes.

Rachel Star Withers: That was great. I always love getting to talk to Michelle.

Gabe Howard: It’s interesting how, like, you both worked really, really hard to get to where you were. You both understood that you needed accommodations and coping mechanisms and you both, as we heard before the interview and then in Michelle interview, you both had a lot of jobs that you just had to quit or in Michelle case, get fired from before you realized what you could do versus what you couldn’t do. And then finally, you’re both so successful because you didn’t dwell on what you couldn’t do. You figured out what you could do and excelled at it.

Rachel Star Withers: And I love in Michelle’s interview where she actually says that the main secret to her doing this is hustling, you know, is if this is what you want to do. Fight for it. And that’s not, you know, great advice for someone with a mental health disorder. It’s great advice for anyone who wants to do something. Starting any sort of business is insanely hard. And to keep it alive for multiple years is amazing for anybody.

Gabe Howard: It is, and, truth be told, if we’re really being honest, holding down a 9 to 5 job Monday through Friday or whatever job you choose, whatever your hours are, we tend to think of this as something that’s just so incredibly simple. But it but it’s not having a job. Takes skill. It takes preparation. It takes professionalism. It takes it just takes a lot of things.

Rachel Star Withers: Mm hmm.

Gabe Howard: We tend to paint them all in the same brush, but not every job is the same. Not every job pays the same and not every job needs the same skill set. So to just throw out the statement, oh, anybody can get a job. Well, a job doing what?

Rachel Star Withers: Now, of course, the opportunities, just like the city versus the country thing, there may be a lot less opportunities, especially if you’re having issues traveling and you live out in the country, you have a lot less jobs that you could even apply for. One of my biggest things is I’ve had some horrible jobs, but I loved the people I worked with. And it was like a joy to go to work because of the people and same things. I’ve had some jobs that some people might consider. Oh, God, you must have loved doing that. I’m like, no, because I hated my boss. I hated who I had to work. Like they made it intolerable. And there’s so many factors that do go into it. I think whenever you have a mental disorder, you’re dealing with that plus medication side effects constantly changing, plus your symptoms constantly changing. And then, of course, your own family life.

Gabe Howard: We’ve discussed on the show before that having a very supportive family is helpful in all areas, is having a supportive family helpful to being employable? To working?

Rachel Star Withers: Yes, especially whenever you’re talking about starting something new or going back to work after, you know, let’s say some sort of breakdown, having to take like a break from it, you might have to lean on your family for a lot of different help. Financial help has been my biggest one, where I became very sick and I had to quit jobs and I had no money coming in for a very long time. And if I hadn’t had the support of my family, I would’ve been homeless. I would have been out of luck.

Gabe Howard: For me, I was very fortunate. I never needed financial help from my family, but what I did need is it. When I went to the psychiatric hospital, when I was off work to seek treatment, I’d be off work for four, six, eight, 12, 16 weeks at a time. And then one day after not having worked for that long, it would be time to go back to work. So here I am, you know, bipolar disorder and an anxiety disorder. And just getting over whatever kept me off work for that long. Now it’s that Monday morning and here I am wide eyed and terrified to go to work. And every single time a family member or a friend drove me to work, they helped me wake up in the morning. They put me in the car. They drove me there. They walked with me into the lobby. Or, you know, depending on the job is as close as they could get. And then they would pick me up from work. They would agree to have lunch with me. And sometimes this would go, you know, multiple friends and multiple families, somebody dropping off, somebody to pick me up. But that was so incredibly helpful because I knew that support was so close and I didn’t need them for anything, but I didn’t care. That made a world of difference in me returning to work. How do you feel about that? Like, how can family members be more supportive in the helping us get over our fear?

Rachel Star Withers: Just talking and I don’t mean, you know, pushing so much to get a job, but just talking to you. My parents are great about asking me, hey, what did you do or you have any stories? What’s been going on? You have any interesting people you’ve met are interesting projects. What are you up to? And just kind of like getting me to talk about work. I’ve noticed just kind of helps me become more confident, even if I’m not so confident while I’m there. My parents like my biggest cheerleaders with that kind of stuff. You know, whenever you have a breakdown, everything kind of is scary afterwords. It can be scary to just like go out to eat. You’re overthinking everything. And if you have anxiety or if you are having hallucinations or delusions worried about other people are looking at you, you’re doing things weird, especially if you’ve been on some certain medications, you might have developed tardive dyskinesia with the shaking minus shaking a lot. And having to start a new job can sometimes be embarrassing because I look like I’m terrified. I’m not I’m just like shaking out of control. I’m dropping things. And I obviously feel like I have to address it right away. And all of that can really just be a lot for anyone. You know, whatever job you’re thinking about doing, you know, just trying to shop and fill out applications can be very intimidating. In the past, you know, my mom has went with me on a couple different ones just to to help me check out the places, say, hey, you know, yeah, I could do this. And she’s like, all right, you know, that new place you could walk to that job like you could. And that’s nice. You know, when you do have kind of that gentle push.

Gabe Howard: But that general pushes is it’s very valuable because on one hand it’s saying, hey, you should do this because it will benefit you. But on the other hand, it’s also saying, I believe that you can do it.

Rachel Star Withers: And now, a word from our sponsor. It can sometimes feel like another schizophrenia episode is just around the corner. In fact, a study found that patients had an average of nine episodes in less than six years. However, there is a treatment option that can help delay another episode, a once monthly injection for adults with schizophrenia. If delaying another episode sounds like it could make a difference for you, or your loved one, learn more about treating schizophrenia with once monthly injections at OnceMonthlyDifference.com. That’s OnceMonthlyDifference.com. And we’re back talking about working with schizophrenia.

Gabe Howard: How do you feel about volunteerism as a path to employment?

Rachel Star Withers: I think that, you know, a lot of people who get nervous when it goes when it comes to going back to work and maybe you flat out can’t or you’re like, rich, I can’t even do a part time job. Volunteer work is great. Anything that gets you out and moving. I pretty much always been involved in some sort of volunteer work. Right now, it’s super fun. I dress up as Spider-Man for the local children’s homes and I love children, so I don’t want them, but I like their happiness. So I love like doing any kind of volunteer work with that. Collecting books if you’re out there and like you love animals. Oh, my goodness. All of the shelters, I know the ones by me. Have these programs where you can volunteer to come and walk the dogs makes you feel so good to actually be helping out.

Gabe Howard: Yeah.

Rachel Star Withers: And then, of course, if you have something you want to work towards, consider internships and apprenticeships. You know, sometimes you can flat out ask people, hey, can I shadow you on the job? And that’s a really great way to kind of put your foot back in the working pool and kind of just. Even though you’re not getting paid for it, kind of get to contribute and do some cool things. So am I like really neat jobs? I’ve done have all been like interning or shadowing different entertainment people where I straight up just e-mailed or called them, got their contact info and was like, Hey, I saw you’re shooting a movie. I was wondering could I come out and shadow you for a few days and you’d be surprised how many people actually respond back like, oh yeah, sure. Come on down.

Gabe Howard: It’s 2019 now and obviously we’ve discussed the benefits of volunteering. But, you know, sometimes it’s just it’s nice to make a buck. And hey, the Internet provides.

Rachel Star Withers: Yes, one of the most amazing things to me is how easy it is to get like your own job where you’re like your own boss through these apps. I have a friend who actually does really well. But pet sitting, that’s all she does.

Gabe Howard: And she uses an app to do it. And of course, we’re all familiar with Ride shares.

Rachel Star Withers: Yep.

Gabe Howard: Probably the most popular hustle side hustle.

Rachel Star Withers: And I love the ones where you’re paid to go pick up someone’s food and take it to them. One of my friends who has severe autism. Well, if you were to meet him, you’d be like, OK. Yes, something’s off. But he can totally drive fine. And he does that for a few hours every day. You know, when he’s feeling good enough to do it and his parents pretty much kind of keep tabs to make sure he’s OK, but that that’s his job. And it’s something he can do completely on his own. And if he has to take a day off because of issues, OK? He just doesn’t do it. He doesn’t log on. And that’s just so cool that we have this ability to kind of pick up all these like little baby jobs.

Gabe Howard: Now, let’s talk about accommodations, because accommodations work in all kinds of ways. There’s reasonable accommodations. There’s unreasonable accommodations. There’s legally required accommodations. And all of this starts with you self advocating because your employer is not going to walk up to you and say, hey, I think you might need X, Y, Z accommodation.

Rachel Star Withers: You don’t sometimes know what you can and can’t ask for. I was in college and there’s like a whole part of the college devoted to that, and I’d never known that until I was in my third year of college and having major issues with brain damage. And I was like, oh, I can come here and you can help me? And that’s when I learned about it. Oh, wait. I can do the same thing on jobs. And from there, I’ve been able to either work with my boss or H.R. on certain things. One of my biggest is that I can’t deal with money. Anything with numbers. I get very confused. Let’s say you give me 20 pennies and tell me to count them. I might come up with a different number each time. I can’t explain why. If I’m just doing even just basic, simple math, I start getting confused. So I’ve had to be very open. Now keep in mind, I’m not applying for jobs at banks.

Gabe Howard: Right. Because you’re aware of this.

Rachel Star Withers: Right. Yes, I’m not being ridiculous when I’m like, you know, oh, I got this job at the bank, by the way. I can’t do anything here. I’m just going to sit here.

Gabe Howard: Because that would be an unreasonable accommodation.

Rachel Star Withers: Oh, right. Yeah. They’d be like, why did you even waste our time? I am very open about it. So that when I do apply for a job, if I find out there’s gonna be a situation like I know right up in the interview, I usually will say something. And then let’s say after I get hired, they change it. Not usually. What happens is as you work for some place for multiple years, they’ll change your position. So suddenly they had me at the cash register and I had to go and be like, I’m really sorry if you remembered when I was hired three years ago and they were like, Oh, wow, Rachel, we totally forgot. And, you know. Yeah. You can’t expect employers to always remember little things about you. So I brought it up and they immediately just kind of adjusted the schedule so that I never worked the cash register alone. I always had someone there.

Gabe Howard: Rachel, it sounds like a lot of your your jobs and a lot of your career have been for smaller businesses, you know, 25 employees or less if you work for a large company. What should you do?

Rachel Star Withers: All large companies should have an H.R. Human Resources go to them and talk. And it’s really good and you’re gonna feel more confident even in just talking if you have like doctor’s note or something like that, kinda to back up what you’re saying. If you don’t want everyone to know, just go to talk to H.R. or a boss or whoever you might have to and just be like, oh, by the way, I have this, this, this and this. You usually don’t have to even disclose your diagnosis, but it’s good if you have some that says, “Hey, this person has trouble with certain things.” One of my doctors actually wrote down options Rachel struggles with at the time. I haven’t really bad memory issues in a he’d written down three different accommodations that maybe they could look into working with me over. So I actually had like these suggestions there and I sat down, I talked with the boss kind of thing. And, OK, here’s what we’ll do. We’re gonna try this for two weeks and they’re like, let’s see how this goes. Especially when you are working for smaller businesses, you know, there’s different things that can happen. I wish I could say all of the jobs I’ve worked. They were incredible and worked with me at all, Rachel. That’s fine. And we’re a very open workplace. But that hasn’t happened. I have definitely had some bad run ins with jobs and whatnot. And sometimes you are all you can do, though, is speak up for yourself. You do have to advocate for yourself. Don’t just keep getting miserable. Speak up, document everything. Emails. If they said, OK, hey, we’ll do this, write it down.

Rachel Star Withers: Even a hey, can I get that in writing and just keep it for your own kind of personal info. I still have the doctor’s recommendations from back when I was in college years and years ago. And while it’s not the best thing that you know, if you’re in a bad situation and it’s hurting, you mentally, quit. It’s going to get harder. That is one thing Michelle talked about. She had to step away from working at those big firms. I’ve had to step away even on small part time jobs, because it was just a really bad atmosphere for me mentally. It’s one reason I like working part time jobs and pushing it to other people with mental disorders, because if you’re working at the snow cone stand for 15 hours a week. Quitting is not going to ruin your career. Like I’ve blown through a lot of part time jobs. It’s not like I have to list them all on a application like, well, I worked three months here at the snow cone. I worked at the baseball stadium on and off for like if you are just trying to get your foot back in the water, and you’re like, hey, this is not a good situation for me. Find another one. You might absolutely love working at the sub shack. Okay? Because you might get to be like, oh, hey, I get free subs and I’m having a good time. I like my employees. And this is an easy job. And you know that not everything has to be prestigious. You can just do things that make you feel good about yourself. And that’s not bad.

Gabe Howard: And that’s also the path to getting to something that is. I’m going to say more prestigious. Nobody starts at the top rate. You start at the level that you can start and you make incremental change and you keep building up when somebody is interviewing for a job. And I don’t care if it’s at a large firm or if it’s at a smaller place. Do you tell them in the interview that you’re a person living with schizophrenia or that you have a mental health condition?

Rachel Star Withers: I personally do not mention anything until after I get the job. Unless during the interview they flat out say something that I know is gonna be an issue. So they flat out say, oh, and you’re gonna have to be counting a lot of money. Can you do that? I’m not gonna flat out lie and be like, yeah. And then the next day after I get the job, “Oh, I was just kidding. I lied yesterday.” So I am. I’ve always been incredibly open about that. If there is any like thing that just flat out I know I’m going to have a problem with.

Gabe Howard: And to be clear, you’re not required to do so, disclosing a health condition is not something, whether it’s mental health, whether it’s mental illness, whether it’s physical disability, whether it’s anything, they’re not allowed to ask you about that and you are not required to tell an employer. So you can choose to. That is absolutely your decision. But I don’t want anybody listening to this to think, oh, well, you’re keeping it from them. That’s not okay. No, it’s absolutely OK. But obviously, you can’t get an accommodation unless you tell your boss or human resources.

Rachel Star Withers: You know, Gabe, if you work at a larger corporation or company, you don’t even have to tell like your boss or supervisor, you go straight to H R and they deal with that. You also like don’t have to tell people exactly what you have. Like, well, I have schizophrenia or I have schizoid personality. Like I many times will just kind of keep it vague as I have a brain disorder and people he’s like, oh, OK. Very few people follow up asking questions about that. My doctor’s notes, they usually don’t say anything specifically like, oh, she has schizophrenia. It’ll say she has usually some sort of mental disorder and it’ll be worded that way, but nothing specific. That’s another thing, too, is you can be vague with people. If your co-worker flat out ask you something, you don’t have to tell them.

Gabe Howard: Especially a co-worker,

Rachel Star Withers: Yeah. Yeah.

Gabe Howard: You don’t have to tell your co-worker anything. I can understand people thinking that they might have to tell a supervisor that that’s your boss. But yeah, you’re not required to disclose anything to a co-worker and you’re not required to disclose health conditions to a supervisor. And the only way that you would need to disclose health conditions to human resources is if you’re asking for that accommodation. Otherwise, it’s your business.

Rachel Star Withers: Yeah, and I will say this. I know that times when I’ve had to take off and then come back. Yeah, sometimes co-workers can just flat out ask you things they shouldn’t. People can be kind of rude and usually I’ll just say, oh, wow, yeah, I’ve been sick and I’m like, OK. Like, I just say sick. I thought, well, I had a mental breakdown and I was wanting to kill myself. And I was so absurdly depressed, like I just said, oh, I was really, really sick. And people like, oh, OK. And they kind of stepped back like, oh, god, how are you? Are you better? I’m like, yeah, I’m good. Like, OK, I do. I’ve gotten to the point sometimes where I’ll, like, practice what I’m going to say if I’m asked if someone brings up, hey, you know, I heard you left work the other day and you were talking to yourself, what went on like, you know, I just had this really bad headache and I was just so hard to think clearly. And people always like, oh, OK. Yeah, no, I’ve had some bad migraines, too. Like, yeah. Yeah.

Gabe Howard: It is amazing how quickly people want to tell their story on top of yours. It’s important for people like us to know that people aren’t actually all that concerned with us for the most part. We think that everybody is like, oh, Rachel left work and they’re all having like meetings about it. In actuality, they just kind of noticed it. And as a point of curiosity, they brought it up to you. Rachel, you had the good fortune to interview Cheryl Wallace. Can you tell us about that?

Rachel Star Withers: A few years back, I got to meet Cheryl Wallace. She reached out to me and she is the V.P. of programs at Rose Hill Center, a mental health facility. They do mental health rehab and also have these work programs pretty much helping you come back from big breakdowns. Got to go there for a few days. I toured the facilities. They’re amazing. And I got to learn all about their programs and different things. So I was so excited that she had time for us for this interview.

Rachel Star Withers: Hello, Cheryl. So tell us a little bit about what Rose Hill is.

Cheryl Wallace: Rose Hill is a residential program for adults who have a mental illness. We are on about 400 acres and we are located in Holly, Michigan. We are a a volunteer program. And we are not a locked unit. So people are living on our campus, but they are able to come and go as they wish.

Rachel Star Withers: And how is Rose Hill different than, let’s say, a standard mental health hospital?

Cheryl Wallace: Rose Hill Center is a residential program and we have folks who come and live here for six to eight months. It’s long term. It’s not a place where you go and take care of an acute illness that’s going on in the moment. But it is basically an opportunity to change your pathway to to manage your symptoms, to be in recovery and learn how to live a fulfilling life. We have individuals from all over the country that come to Rose Hill, so we have a work component on our campus and then we help people move out into the community to volunteer, go to school or work in the community while they’re living here at Rose Hill.

Rachel Star Withers: And can you tell us more about the work programs that you all do?

Cheryl Wallace: We have a structured program so probably five to six hours a day. People can choose to be in one of our work crews. When people first come to Rose Hill, they make a choice on what area they might like to work in. We have a kitchen management crew which basically makes breakfast, lunch and dinner for all of the residents. They work with the chef and they work in a kitchen that is like a restaurant quality kitchen. The second team we have is our horticulture team and we have four big greenhouses on our campus. We have a butterfly house. They also take care of the grounds and to learn about basic taking care of flowers and plants and vegetables and things of that nature. It’s very rewarding to get your hands in the dirt and make something beautiful bloom. So it’s a very popular crew. We also have a farm crew and our we have a fully functioning farm. And then the last area that people can work in is our housekeeping crew, which helps keep all the infections down, cleans the common areas of the different buildings that we have. And we also have about 10 people working on that crew. We have a lot of buildings here.

Rachel Star Withers: When you have clients, do you ever have issues with someone being scared or hesitant about working again?

Cheryl Wallace: All the time. One of the reasons why you get so much benefit from this type of a program when you get to feel comfortable going back into the workforce with a lot of support. A lot of safety nets around. People come to Rose Hill, a lot of times, it’s after an acute episode in their illness. And so they’re very afraid of not being able to do something that they used to do or not feeling confident. There’s a lot of fear that goes on, especially with people who have a diagnosis of schizophrenia. They may have paranoid thoughts or some negative symptoms of not being able to motivate. And so here at Rose Hill, we would take all of that into account. We help people to manage the symptoms and their medications and we slowly work them back into the workforce with lots of handholding and support and then generally increase their responsibility as they feel comfortable to do so. It’s really a challenge sometimes to think, well, I’m just going to get up and go take care of this like nine to five kind of job. And we recognize that people have a lot of symptoms that they need to get under control or at least feel comfortable with before they add on more stressors of a job. We start there, we start on our cruise so that people feel confident they have increased responsibility. I mean, it’s fun. They really enjoy working with the different members of their team and with the animals or work in the kitchen or whatever area they are in. And then as they become more confident and feel like they want to go out in the community, we have different stages. And when they get to Stage 3, we encourage people to work with their vocational coordinator to either volunteer or go back to school. And then once they’re doing that, we try to get them up to about 20 hours a week. And then once they’re confident in that we will also assist them with getting a community job if they feel that that’s what they’d like to do.

Rachel Star Withers: Awesome. Have you found that there’s any general type of work that people respond to with schizophrenia or any other mental disorders? As far as getting back into the workforce?

Cheryl Wallace: I think a lot of times we find with people who have a diagnosis of schizophrenia that starting out with a physical job usually works better for them to get back in the pace. If you are trying to manage maybe some of your delusions or voices or something of that nature, sitting in the sedentary jab kind of allows for a lot more time of concentration. Sometimes people who have a diagnosis of schizophrenia get ill when they’re younger, you know, in their 20s or in college. And so they’ve never really had the opportunity to hold a full time job. So for those folks, it’s also learning what that means. They are perhaps have been stunted at that age or having to really deal with those challenges for a while. And so learning what it means to hold a job. Work with other people. Take direction. All of that, something that we do here at Rose Hill as well.

Rachel Star Withers: And how have you seen people change as they go throughout the program?

Cheryl Wallace: This program is amazing. I mean, simply amazing we have success story after success story when somebody really dedicates themselves to wanting to be able to manage the symptoms with a life worth living. All of those pieces, then we can give them the support and they get the challenge of, OK. These symptoms are happening. And how would I manage that without going back to the hospital or without stopping my medications or whatever? And they learn that they can be really successful in managing that and that gives you confidence and comfort. And I mean, we have people that have been through a program that came here that were really unable to participate or engage socially or we’re very, very frightened. Perhaps some medicines weren’t working very well. And when they leave here, they’re living on their own. They have good relationships. We’ve had people that come through our program who are now E.R. nurses or accountants or I have one guy that’s running a Habitat for Humanity because he wanted to give back to the community. I mean, we have people that just work in the stores and that that’s good for them or just continue to volunteer and help in their community. So it’s amazing. Stable, happy, good relationships, all the things that we all want in life, very, very possible. It takes hard work. It really does. But I think most people that come through our program leave very successfully.

Rachel Star Withers: Thank you so much. Thank you for that information and thank you for all the work that you guys are doing over at Rose Hill.

Cheryl Wallace: And I just want to thank you for letting me have the opportunity to talk with you.

Rachel Star Withers: I love how she brought up the different types of work programs they have. I feel that I would want to be with the animals, and if I wasn’t able to work with the animals, I would do the cleaning crew because I love sometimes just like a good menial task where I can just blast music and just being left in my own world. I feel like those would be the two I gravitated towards.

Gabe Howard: I wish that there were programs like this all over the country, right? I mean, I think that they provide a lot of experience, balance, value. I think that they get people out of their own heads, out of their own homes, out of their own situations and position them to do better. I sincerely hope that if anybody listening to this has one of these in their area, absolutely take full advantage of it. And if you’re ever in a position to advocate for a program like this, please do so, because getting back to work has made all of the difference in my life. And you know, Rachel, you and I talk to hundreds of people in our job and they all describe that working gives them a sense of purpose and value, not because they have mental illness, not because they have schizophrenia, not because they’re living with a disorder, but because every single human on the planet immediately introduces themselves as this is my job.

Rachel Star Withers: Very true. I’m 34 years old and it definitely comes up. You know, I’ll see someone from high school, but I’ll run into someone that, you know, is a family friend. Well, what’s Rachel up to now? What are you doing? And sometimes, you know, I feel bad that I don’t have a better answer. Like. Well, you know, I’m really successful working at such and such or. Oh, well, I’m married with two kids. Like, I don’t have that. Well, I work in entertainment and I live with my parents in the basement below. That’s why I’m here as you guys stopped by. You know, I feel really bad. I hate having to tell you, like, oh, where do you live? And I’m like. Why does it matter? Why you asking? Because I like, oh, well, I put myself down. And I think people in general, we always put ourselves down and we don’t have to. You know, it’s OK to be like, yeah, well, right now I’m just working a part time job doing such and such. I’m focusing on myself. I’m focusing on bettering myself.

Gabe Howard: But it sounds like some of this is the judgment that you put on yourself. Like you said, they’re not actually asking that. That’s just what you heard.

Rachel Star Withers: Correct. Mm hmm. And one thing I liked that Cheryl said was, and I’ve never thought about it until right in that interview was that a lot of us we didn’t go the normal route. You know, we had breakdowns in our late teens, early 20s, which if we had it, you tend to graduate high school, go to college, start working full time. That was kind of what my brother’s route was. Went straight to college, started working and then decide to do military. So working full time the military, whereas me, I had a really rough time after high school for a few years, had some major breakdowns, finally got terrified. I went from being straight A’s on a full scholarship and then being terrified to actually start college thinking I couldn’t handle it even though I was on a full scholarship. I didn’t think I could handle it. Just being terrified to have to sit in a classroom and going back and doing that instead of four years. It took me over five because again, halfway through had another major breakdown and then I barely made it out just because it was so hard and college just finishing it was a weight off my shoulders, but I didn’t have any energy then to enter the workforce and I had another breakdown. And so when she said that, I was thinking, Oh, she’s right. I never learned how to work a 9 to 5 job. Even my college, I would say, was not a normal in any way college experience because it was so scattered and broken up just trying to make it. And that made me feel a little bit better about myself. When she said that because I felt less of a failure, you know, I’m like, yeah, my brother did have it easier.

Gabe Howard: Well, it’s very true. And to be fair, it’s not just high school college, it can be high school, trade school, high school, interning, in high school, getting your first job, high school, military. But the one thing that is certain is that when you’re a worker in your early twenties, your late teens, early 20s. Supervisors are willing to give you more benefits of the doubt. They’re willing to give you more on the job training. They’re willing to give you a little more latitude because they understand that when they were 20, they did boneheaded things and made mistakes. They’re not willing to give that same leeway to a 30 year old because they think you should have learned it by now. But as Cheryl pointed out, and as you just said, when all of our peers were learning how to join the workforce at 20, we were trying to survive. We were trying to get a diagnosis. We were trying to get well. And yeah, that made me feel a lot better, too, because, yeah, we overcame a lot to be here and we deserve credit for that.

Rachel Star Withers: Yes, sometimes, like, we forget how awesome like we are, what it takes to come through things, when I think back, you know, there were days that I lost the ability pretty much. I remember standing there having to get ready for work and I couldn’t remember how a zipper worked. And it was like 30 minutes and it was just like that piece of the puzzle was missing. And I’m just trying to like figure out how a zipper worked. I’d already graduated college. It was summa cum laude. It you know, and then I’m standing there a few weeks later not knowing how to zip up my jacket. And yeah, like when you think like, wow, some of us have really come through a lot where you had to relearned how to socialize with people. You had to re learn how to be able to wake up every day, take a shower and eat breakfast. And if you’re out there listening, you don’t have a mental disorder. You know, maybe you’re a caretaker. Sometimes it can be frustrating like, well, why won’t this person just take care of themselves? Why won’t they just get up and, you know, do this thing? You know, sometimes it’s next to impossible. Like taking a shower, once a weak, sometimes is a major feat because it’s like a giant dark cloud is in your brain and everything’s harder. And to look back at how bad sometimes things were. And somehow I still managed to hold down a job that was even 20 hours a week. I’m like, how did I do that?

Gabe Howard: But you did it. We have to remember to give ourselves credit for that, because we tend to focus on the things that we lost, the times that we lost, the opportunity that we lost. The fact that it’s harder for us to get a job where we’re super ready to focus on that. But the fact that we have survived in an area that other people didn’t even have to compete,

Rachel Star Withers: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: We need to give ourselves credit for that, too.

Rachel Star Withers: I would you know, right now that whatever you’re doing, it’s totally fine. Don’t put yourself down if you can only volunteer one day a week at the church. You know, in your neighborhood, then that’s something that’s you getting out, even if it’s. Well, Rachel. I didn’t get out this week. All I did was I set up an account on an app to maybe start walking dogs. Hey, that’s something. Any little step, you know, we’re not all on the same race. And you can’t look around and compare yourself to other people who they didn’t have a mental breakdown. They didn’t have to repeatedly start over. We like to compare ourselves, like, to someone else who’s also our age that maybe graduated from high school the same time as we did. You know, I’m like, man, they got like a wife and kids and they have like this full time job. And this $300,000 house. And I’m the opposite in every way possible. But you had to start over like five times, you know, and they didn’t. They never had to. So you have to see like where you’re at is sometimes so much more impressive, the more someone else’s because of what you had to do to get there. Thank you so much for listening. We’ll be back next month. But please, like share, subscribe. If you have friends out there who you think would love to hear this podcast, need to hear this podcast, please send it over to them. Thank you so much for listening.

Announcer: Inside Schizophrenia is presented by PsychCentral.com, America’s largest and longest operating independent mental health website. Your host, Rachel Star Withers, can be found online at RachelStarLive.com. Co-host Gabe Howard can be found online at GabeHoward.com. For questions, or to provide feedback, please email [email protected]. The official web site for Inside Schizophrenia is PsychCentral.com/IS. Thank you for listening and please share widely.

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