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#i mean. if i actually do my homework that is! i havent been lately
scourgadow · 3 years
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i have my tablet back i have my tablet back i have my tablet back!!
and i immediately drew dumb shit eyo
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asfdhgsdkjhgb · 2 years
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sleepy tired vs not wanting to fast travel to tomorrow: fight
#like on one hand i am so incredibly tired and have been for the past few days but on the other hand i dont want to have to deal#with responsibilities and also even if i do sleep well ill probably still be tired tomorrow anyways (also i still have a little bit of#homework i havent done yet thats due tomorrow)#actually wait stress paused la jolla just came on spotify while im writing this and the guitar of that song makes my brain calm#ok stress unpaused we can get back to my strange mild stress bc the song ended and i got an ad lol#urg do i stay up to buy more time until tomorrow (and probably maybe do my improv homework?) or do i just go to bed and#give my tired brain a rest before having to do things#urghgdhjdgfjkg most likely i will end up staying up as late as i can bear and will somehow manage to NOT do my homework#bc im busy distracting myself from responsibilities n whatnot bc i got homework and i got plans to work out dear god so many#plans to work out i have no idea what im doing this weekend but there have been at least 3 separate plans proposed with/from#different people that all sort of clash but sort of dont so its up to me to figure out specifics for all of them to see if i can make#them all work bc i do want them to all work even if it means fucking crashing for the entirety of sunday bc of too much#social interaction all crammed together haha nice#its fineeeeee everything is fineeeeee#just me rambling again#vent post#tw vent#<- (just in case)#(kinda went on a tangent in the tags here)#actually stress cancelled for tonight one of my friends and i did the thing where you take a picrew and make both yourself#and the other person and then you compare them and !!! i care him so much. brain being mean to me is strong but the#power of friendship is stronger#im normal now
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floralbfs · 3 years
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i oltd u i fucking knew it i called it i cant fucking believe this
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wreckofawriter · 5 years
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Painted Books
Pairing: Young!Sirius Balck x Slytherin!reader
Word Count: 3,297 (I'm sorry I got carried away)
Warnings: Swearing, Underaged drinking, Mentions of alcohol abuse/addiction, Super long
Summary: After a prank Sirius ruins something extremely important to you, so you get pissed. While sneaking around he realizes why you were so pissed and tries to apologize
A/n: Omfg I havent been on tumblr for like a month I'm so sorry I was inactive, high school has sort of been kicking my ass. I hope this super long story makes up for it. I actually kinda like this one alot, hope you enjoy it.
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Hatred filled you like air into a balloon. Your blood had been replaced by lava and it was steaming, white-hot through you. Those idiot Gryffindors were going to regret everything they have ever done in about 10 minutes you thought as you looked at your common room. Red and gold covered everything. Every couch, every chair, every table, every wall, and unfortunately for you, every book and paper on the tables. You screeched loudly.
You had simply left for 30 minutes to eat dinner before returning to your homework and now, not only was the positions essay you had almost finished been ruined but so had your charms, Defence against the dark arts and herbology essays. Along with the seven books for those classes you had bought at the begging of the year. There was no way that you would be able to clean the paint off, it was surely enchanted and now you would have to stay up all night finishing essays that would never be even half of the quality the originals were.
As the rest of the Slytherin house began to clean up the mess you had ideas of making a new one. And not of their common room but of Sirius Black's face.
You snatched your soggy papers and books off of the table and stormed out of the room. The second you saw him your anger returned like a boiling title wave. He had just ruined all of your work from the past week and now he was laughing throwing his head back as his shiny teeth flashed and his glistening black hair fell away from his precise jawline and cheekbones. You walked straight up to him and before he could even look at you, you grabbed the collar of his shirt and threw him against the wall holding him there. As you did you heard many people utter gasps of surprise and James yell something but you were defened by wrath. His eyes widened in surprise then relaxed as you saw your small frame.
“You think this is funny?” You yelled holding your paint-splattered papers and books up for him to see.
“I do find it quite amusing.” He answered with a smirk.
You screeched again, shoving your fist upward effectively throwing him back against the wall and jabbing him in the throat. You may be small but you were far from weak.
“Look if you wanted to throw me against the wall you could have just asked.” He winked, his voice coming out raspy from his throat being half closed by your hand.
“You absolute piece of shit!” you screamed, “You just ruined all of my work from this whole fucking week! I'm going to fail because of you!”
“You could just sleep with the professor again.” He sneered Your eyes widened in shock, it had been a year since the rumor of you sleeping with a teacher had ruined your social life and here was this high and mighty asshole, who had slept with half the school bringing it up again. You had had enough. You brought your knee up and as it connected with his crotch you dropped his collar and he tumbled to the ground with a scream.
“You say anything like that again I will break your nose.” You hissed down at him, throwing your ruined essays and books at him. With that, you turned on your heel and left pushing past the group of students that had gathered to watch. Before you could exit the scene a hand grabbed your wrist.
“What the hell was that for? It was just a stupid prank!” James yelled as you snatched your hand from his grasp.
“It wasn't just the prank asshole.” You growled glaring up at him.
And that was the truth it wasn't just the prank. It wasn't your homework being ruined, hell it wasn't even the fact he accused you of sleeping with a professor. All of those things were insignificant to the real problem. He had ruined your books. No, you’re not some Ravenclaw who obsessed over books, and it's not like they were signed by the author either they were simply books. But not to you. To you, they were the extra hours you worked at a stupid coffee shop. They were the late nights and early mornings you had forced yourself in to. They were the reward you got for getting stared at by men twice your age because of the stupid tiny skirt that was somehow considered as a uniform. Hell, you worked all fucking summer. Your whole summer was just dumped in paint by some pretentious brat and his even more pretentious friends.
When you reached the Slytherin common room you were close to tears and when you entered you saw the one thing that could cheer you up. Kathy. Kathy was your best friend, she was also one of your few friends, I mean you were a Slytherin half-blood, you were no Lily Evans. She was also Slytherin and was the good cop to your bad cop attitude. When she saw you she rushed you upstairs as you explained what happened.
Sirius, Remus, and Peter crept quietly (not so quietly) through the halls under the famous invisibility cloak. James stood beside them his head-boy badge shining in the light of his wand.  
“Shut up Wormtail,” James scolded, “I think I hear someone.”
They all stopped and listened. With the shuffling noises silenced they could hear something. Laughter drifted through the halls. Soon muffled voices could be heard from some hidden place.
“I think they're in the kitchen,” Remus whispered.
“I hope they’re Slytherin.” James giggled as they approached the hidden door to the kitchen. James poked the bowl of fruit, hitting the apple once and the orange twice. The door swung open into the first layer of the kitchens. They shuffled in James taking the lead they were about to continue through the next doorway when Sirius heard a voice that made him jump.
“Wait!” his whispers called to his friend.
“What?” James whispered back.
“That's Y/n,” Sirius explained.
“Hell yeah this is going to be fun,” James smiled wide happy to catch you out of bed. “Finally get the bitch back.” He began to walk toward the second room in the kitchen when Sirius stepped out from beneath the cloak and grabbed his shoulder.
“Just let me see what she's doing.” He asked.
James’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion he opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted.
“Please.” Sirius begged his friend, “Then we can bust her.”
“Fine” he muttered
Remus handed Sirius the invisibility cloak sighing, “This better be quick.” disapprovingly
Sirius rolled his eyes throwing the cloak over him and walked into the next room what he saw made his jaw drop.
There you sat, on the kitchen floor in nothing but a deep green crop top and a pair of shimmery silver booty shorts. Your y/h/l y/h/c hair was cascading down your back like a waterfall that seemed to glow in the candlelight. Next to you sat a brunette girl in a hoodie and sweatpants that Sirius recognized as Kathy Underhill. In your right hand, you clutched a bottle of fire whiskey and in your left, you held a spoon filled with chocolate ice cream from the carton at your feet.
“You know everryboddy thiks that imma stuck up bish now right?” You slurred, clearly drunk.
“I'm sure they don't,” Kathy said clearly sober.
“Oooohhh yeahhu they do.” You continued. “They’re all wike look at that tempershmental bitch who cants take a joke, wow somebody locks her up shes crazy, she fucked a professor for an and she is sooooo stuck up.”
“Well it's not true,” Kathy said grimacing as you took another swig from the bottle.
“SOO WHAT?” You shouted, your voice suddenly rising as you did from your crossed legs dropping you spoon on the ground, “What am I gonna say, I'm not shtuck up my mom is a alchohalic that blows her money on booze and I had to work all fucking summer in a shitty Cafe where middle-aged men stared up my skirt, to afford the books that the two ashholes you call “funny” you added very dramatic air quotes on the last word. “Ruined for a stupid prank ecaus they are stuck ups dicks who shove money up their asses for fun.”
Sirius’s eyes widened, he really shouldn't be listening to this conversation.
Tears began to fall from your eyes in large drops and Kathy sighed as you started to blabber nonsense.
“Alright sweetie, let's get you off your feet before your trip and kill yourself,” Kathy said rising toward you. You continued to sob as she took the bottle from your hands and helped you to the floor where you buried your head in her lap as she stroked your hair.
“Looks like imma just like my-” You hiccuped “- my bitch of a mother.” You groaned angrily.
“Hey honey, you will never be like that woman, I promise.” Kathy soothed, “I promise.”
“Your the best. I love you” You muttered as you began to drift into sleep.
“Love you too.” Kathy sighed.
    Sirius was so caught up in the scene in front of him he almost forgot about his friends who were waiting for him. He quickly turned and walked back to the second room where he removed the cloak and looked at his three wide-eyed friends.
    “Oh shit,” James muttered as he looked at Sirius who looked on the edge of a breakdown. Without another word, Sirius thrust the cloak into his friend's hands and bolted.
    Of all the people he knew what it was like to hate your mother, to have nothing, to work your ass off for things that are ruined by someone who had so much more. Now he had caused that pain. He had ruined your books. He had destroyed your hard work. He had caused those tears that sprung from your eyes. He had become what he hated most.
Sirius may be fast but James was faster, and he caught the young boy’s wrist before he could escape to god knows where.
When Sirius world around James saw something very rare in his eyes, tears. They were glassy and full. One cascaded down his cheek leaving a shimmering river in its wake.
“Sirius it's not your fault.” He said looking at his friend quite concerned.
“I ruined her books.” he sniffed,
“We didn't know, it's not our fault her mom’s an alcoholic,” James explained.
Sirius glared at his friend ripping his hand from James's angrily, “Would you have cared?” he asked bitterly.
“Of course I would,” James said sincerely
“I don't think you would have,” Sirius seethed taking a step towards him. “You have always had everything, the parents, the money, the house, the smarts, the skills, the girlfriend. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE NOTHING!” He yelled his face red with fury, “So you don't know what it's like to have the one thing you did have ripped from you.” He whispered stepping away from his friend taking a couple of steps turning and sprinting back to the common room.
The next morning Sirius woke to see a stack of books on the end of his bed with a note stuck on top.
“Your right, I'm a dick, now please go give that girl these books and essays before I feel even more like shit. P.S you owe Remus big time for the essays” Sirius lifted the note to see a stack of brand new books and on top four essays each with the name Y/n Y/l/n printed in your handwriting on top. He then glanced at the stack of paint covered books in the corner you had thrown at him, they were still there covered in paint. Confusion covered him He then remembered who he was friends with and smiled.
“James you idiotic genius.” He muttered looking at each perfectly crafted essay. His eyes were shining.
    You woke to a less pretty sight. Your head throbbed as you sat up in your bed groaning, you looked at the clock, you still had an hour till your first class but you were too hungry to pass up breakfast, even with your head about to explode. You got up stretched moaning at the pounding in your head and changed into your robes. You headed down to the grand hall after downing five Advils.
When you arrived you saw Kathy chatting with a few other girls you knew. You sat down next to her grabbing the pot of coffee of the table and dumping it into your cup as Kathy greeted you.
    “Damn Y/n you look like shit.” a girl named Emma said.
    “I feel like shit too.” You answered as you took a massive swig of the coffee.
    “You stay up late finishing your essays?” Another girl asked.
    You groaned throwing your aching head onto the table as the essays that you had forgotten about reentered your half-awake mind.
“I swear next time I see one of those four assholes I'm gonna put them six feet under.” Kathy hissed.
As if on cue Sirius Black tapped your shoulder. You spun around and were about to speak when Kathy rose, “I think she's seen enough of you Black.” she said sternly.
“Look I know I was I dick I just want to apologize,” Sirius mumbled seeming very uncomfortable as all the girls at the table glared him down.
“She doesn't need your fake apologizes, she’s had enough for a lifetime,” Kathy growled.
“It’s fine Kath.” You sighed, “I'm way too hungover to deal with him asking all day anyway.” You grumbled quietly to her.
She huffed and sat down glaring the boy down as she retracted to her seat.
You looked up at him waiting.
Sirius flashed bright red, an unusual sight, “Oh um I thought I could talk to you in private.” he asked his voice fading in the last words as he scuffed the ground with his feet.  
You sighed, “If this is another prank Black I will break you back.”
“No no no I swear it's not.” He said hurriedly.
You groaned standing from the ground and following him out of the hall, still feeling like shit.
“Look, before you break my back can you let me finish what I’m saying?” He asked nervously, You had never seen the boy so nervous.
“Depends on what you say.” You answered narrowing your eyes.
“Alright then here goes,” He sighed “So me and the rest of us were with James last night and we umm heard you and Kathy, and I just-” He was cut off by a fist hitting his jaw.
“YOU ASSHOLE!” You yelled as you realized what he must have heard. Anger once again overrode your systems and you glared at the boy in front of you, “I swear to Merlin I'm gonna drive my-”
He slapped his hand over your mouth muffling your shouts. “Please just listen,” He begged, “Please.” when you looked at him you saw something you had never seen on his face before, desperation. This made you stop nodding as he slowly removed his hand from your mouth. Today was full of new experiences.
“Look I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for ruining your books and that I was a dick and well here.” He said as he reached into his bag and took out a bundle of books and papers.
You gasped when you saw the papers were essays, in your handwriting but much better than you ever could have written, and the books were all of the ones that had been ruined in paint except they were all hardcover and pristine as if they were bought last night.
“How did you….??” Your voice trailed off as you scanned the papers and books.
“My friends may be idiots but they’re geniuses.” He chuckled nervously.
Your amazement was replaced by rage (again) when you realized what was happening and anger flashed in your eyes, “I don't want your pity, Black.” You seethed handing his books back.
“No no no, it's not pity please.” He said as you turned to go.
“What is it then?” you glowered.
“It’s empathy ok? I know what it's like to have an asshole for a mom who never did anything for you ok? I know what it's like to have nothing. I know.”
You stared at him confused, what did a pureblooded rich kid know about that?
“Look my mom kicked me out last year, I mean not out of the house but out of the family. She disowned me and I get it, it sucks. I just got lucky to have amazing friends like James whose parents are super cool.” He sighed handing you the books back, “I was a dick, I’m really truly sorry.”
Your mouth hung open eyes wide. How had you never know this? You knew his brother and him didn't exactly get along but you never knew anything like that had happened to him. And then you did the last thing you expected you would ever do. You took two steps forward and hugged him. Dropping the books and papers on the floor, you wrapped your hands around his waist and buried your head in his chest. At first, he was surprised but it only took him a second to react and he wrapped one arm around your waist to the small of your back and his other around your shoulder resting his hand on the back of your head and pulling you closer to him.
You noticed he smelt of mint and smoke as you let your tears fall from your eyes, soaking his robes.
He buried his head into your soft y/h/c locks and he smelt pomegranate and ginger with the slight tinge of vanilla linger there. His eyes filled with tears and he squeezed them shut as he felt your body shake with sobs. You don’t know how long you stayed there but you wished to forever. When you did pull away your eyes were puffy and red as were his. You were about to turn to pick up the books and papers that were scattered on the ground when Sirius spoke.
“Hey Y/n one more thing.” He said.
“Wha-” his lips collided on yours and it was your turn to be shocked. After a second you melted into the kiss and leaned back into his minty scent as you felt his toung run along your lower lip, you tipped your chin upward giving him better access to your mouth. As his hand found the side of your cheek and yours found his hair. You pulled away after a few seconds later gasping for air.
You looked up at him cheeks flaming red, “Sorry I pushed you into the wall” You paused, “And kneed you… and punched you in the face”
“You could make it up to me by got to Hogsmeade with me this weekend.” He suggested voice barely above a whisper as he stroked your cheek.
“Sound good.” You giggled just then you glanced at your watch. “Shit!” You yelled quickly gathering you new books and essays from the ground. “I've got to get to Herbology!” you turned, turned back placed a quick kiss on Sirius' cheek, “I'll see you later.” You said before dashing out the doors onto the grounds. As he watched you go he touched his flaming cheek with his hand. A few seconds later James walks up next to him.
“She a little less pissed?” he asked nervously.
“You have no idea how much I owe you right now.”
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multifics-canary · 5 years
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Marinette's New Shield ch. 2
Ch.1
A/n: guys, thank you so much for your interest in my first posted miraculous story!!! I do have others that I play around with(literally wrote one while at work) and might decide to post those in some near future. This is a little longer than the first one. And I might make a little chapter series. I don't own miraculous ladybug!! And please dont steal this :D
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Plans are simple, especially if you do it accordingly. Lila's plan was easy to see through. Make a few little lies about your life to get people's attention, shed a few tears to get what you want, make sure no one stands in your way.
Things seemed to have backfired with Marinette, so Lila made sure to spin those lies towards Marinette. Little bullying antics and maybe one or two threats. Ruby doesn't like amateurs, especially ones like her who take advantage of others. It's also the class's fault for believing things that could be checked online.
In the few weeks she's been here, she knew everyone's name and other information. One surrounding factor was that Marinette has helped all of them and has gotten nothing in return. Genuinely, that's what a good person does. But in Marinette's case, they take advantage of her kindness. And since Lila arrived, they've ignored all the good things she did for them and thought the young designer was a jealous bitch.
Be confident in yourself. She told the designer before leaving that day. There's a complexity to making plans. The crucial thing is that it doesn't backfire. Somehow, Marinette trusted Ruby to make things right. And Ruby would make sure to rightfully deserve that trust.
Alya's friendship with Marinette was more or less normal at first, a friend trying to encourage the other to be more confident and stand for herself. It worked wonders. Then Alya starts accusing Marinette of not having facts when she should have them first. She's the journalist, not Marinette. And yet, believed those lies a pretty Italian was spilling. Hypocrite.
They would regret doing losing Marinette. Ruby would make sure of it.
"Rubes!" The girl in question looked up at her name being called, seeing Alya walking towards her, Lila next to her. She had a scowl on her face but quickly changed to a smile when Alya turned to her. Your reaction times are pathetic.
"What can I do for you ladies?"
"We're having a picnic later at the park and we were wondering if you wanted to join us. The whole class will be there!" Alya says excitedly. Ruby had a feeling it two certain people weren't invited, however, she didn't say anything.
"I'll have to check if I'm able to. A family member of mine asked for a small photoshoot session and I promised I'd be there on time."
"Oh Wow!" Alya's excitement seemed innocent enough, her interest viewable from miles around. "You're a model like Adrien?" Lila seemed interested in the conversation, seeing as she looked up in surprise.
"Not really. I pose for a few photos, but I'm more the one behind the camera. Well that's what I'm still learning anyways." She replied watching both girls reactions. One of pure excitement and the other of skepticism. If Lila didn't believe her, that's her problem. Even her uncle Gabriel was impressed with her skills, so she had no interest in impressing a common liar.
Her beginning plan is simple, befriend the class to get to know them. But not get close to any if them but Marinette, who needed the most support. That was step one. Lila already has the mindset that Ruby could be planning, but that was the point. So the liar could be aware of what was to come, just not know how much. And how Ruby loves it when they don't know.
"What else do you do?" Alya states excitedly, bringing the girl out of her thoughts. The 'reporter' had her phone out, filming her.
"Nothing special really. I write for a small media company. They're helping me with getting both my informative and creative pages out there. I have friend editing a small book I'm writing in English as we speak."
"In English?! What a scoop! You have to give me details, girl!" Alya practically screamed, her eyes shinning brightly. Surprisingly Lila hasn't said anything, but Ruby had no doubt the girl would make up a lie that related to what she heard.
"Maybe later. There's some things I have to do. As well as homework." Ruby stated, leaning back on the bench she was at in the first place. Alya deflated a bit but understood, both girls waving goodbye before leaving. Lila looked back at Ruby, glaring a little at her, but the girl wasn't worried. She raised an eyebrow before rolling her eyes, taking out her phone to study.
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True to Ruby's word, she was the one behind the camera. But she wasn't alone. One of the model's that works for Gabriel Agreste himself was there, along with Adrien, his photographer, Gorilla, Chloe, and Marinette. Ruby invited the girls and ran into Adrien who wanted to talk with Ruby when they both got breaks.
The photo shoot was going well, both Marinette and Chloe impressed by the professionalism Ruby had.
"You lied to Alya and Lila?"
"Technically I didn't. This model is actually a close friend, almost family. And Adrien is a family member, so only you guys know this. But what they don't know, won't hurt em." Ruby replies, when they get a small break to stretch before another shoot.
"And yet it could if they see us here." Adrien says, walking up to the three girl's. Guess it's time. Adrien glanced at Marinette before turning back to his cousin, his eyes telling her everything.
"Guys I'll be back. Me and Adrien are going to talk for a bit." Marinette and Chloe shared a look before nodding, watching as the cousins moved away.
"I know what I said to her was wrong," Adrien started, not waiting Ruby to speak. "Taking the high road isn't really ideal, but I want to help her. The smile I used to see is so fake now, and I can see she's hurting." Adrien had small tears in his eyes, and Ruby saw something shift in his shirt.
"Rubes, I don't know what to do." The blonde boy said and he looked like the same 6 year old who wondered why his father barely had time for him. Silently, she stepped forward and gave her cousin a hug, feeling him wrap his arms around her. They stayed like that for a little bit, before she pulled away and ruffled his hair.
"Admitting that is already progress. All you have to do now is talk with her. Apologize and listen to her side of the story. These so called akumas may target Lila if she gets found out, yes, but that would also make her a willing target. I heard from Marinette that she has been akumatized 3 times. You have every right to not join in me taking down Lila, but as long as you're there for Marinette, that's enough." Ruby spoke gently, patting her cousin's blonde little head. He smiled brightly, his watery green eyes shinning.
"Thank you Rubes. I don't know what I would do with you."
"You'd mope around the mistake you made until it was too late." She deadpanned, and the blonde laughed.
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Not far from where the cousins were, two girls watched in shock of what was happening. Alya quickly took out her phone and recorded, all while Lila fummed next to her. Adrien is mine!
"Lets ask them! Maybe Ruby's a rival." Alya said, wiggling her eyebrows at Lila, who quickly changed her facial expression to shock. The blogger grabbed Lila's arm and dragged her over to the two.
"...of course I love her, she's family you idiot. And one of the best female models around. Unless we got Marinette to join. She gives off two tones, I'm surprised you havent noticed."
"Well you do have a special sense for these things." Adrien shrugged lazily, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
"Well she gives off a type of flower princess for one. Think about it. She already has flower designs, I've seen them by the way, and with her modeling one of those outfits and you with your title as sunshine child? The fans will go wild! But underneath that flower princess is a storm. Like a female warrior naturally leading everyone to peace." Ruby ranted off, fully aware of company they were gonna have.
"I never thought about it that way. I mean yeah, I call her our everyday ladybug, but flower princess makes more sense. Actually--"
"Hey guys!" Ruby and Adrien turned to see Alya with her phone out, loosely followed by a dragged Lila, who glared dangerously at Ruby.
"This is Alya coming to you with a new scoop! This is Ruby, she's a new student at out school and have we got news! She's a photographer, a model, and a writer! Granted, she hasn't traveled or given us a bunch of stories like my best friend Lila, but she's already up in the charts. And look at this!" Alya turned the camera to show Ruby and Adrien hold each other rather intimately. "Could they be a couple? Or is Ruby a rival to famous Lila?"
"Wait what?" Ruby raised an eyebrow, glancing at her cousin, who practically wanted to facepalm.
"Come on, girl! We know Adrien is the ultimate heartthrob with his sweet personality. Now, spill. Do you guys like each other? This is another rivalry between two well known people?" Alya said, practically shoving the camera at their faces. Ruby frowned deeply, moving the camera out of the way, much to Alya's confusion.
"I don't like cameras so close to me, thank you very much. And second me and Adrien are friends, we've known each other for years." Ruby stated, growing annoyed with Alya.
"But even friends become couples! If I didn't think Lila had a chance with Adrien, you guys would make a cute couple!" Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. Ruby watched as Lila fummed even more, her eyes now on all three of them. Alya blissfuly unaware while Adrien slowly backed away, Ruby standing in front of him.
Lila radiated so much negative energy, Ruby knew it was only a matter of time before an akuma came. True to her thought, she spotted a black butterfly fluttering over to the Italian girl. Somehow, as if sensing it, she turned, spoting the akuma before smirking. Thinking quickly, she pushed Adrien back and dashed past Alya, just as Lila was about to grab the akuma.
Ruby grabbed her wrist and with her other hand, let the akuma flutter to her family bracelet. Everyone stared in shock as Ruby let go of Lila and fell on the floor, holding her head. She vaguely heard Alya and Adrien yell out her name in concern.
Not far from where they are, Marinette felt her purse shift in the direction where the cousins had left and turned, gasping when she saw Ruby holding her head as Adrien, Alya, and Lila --in her case pretend-- to calm Ruby down. She saw the purple outline and dashed towards them, Chloe right behind her.
"Hmm, you are not ms. Rossi. No matter, your protective anger of wanting to help a friend is powerful. White knight, I give you the power to protect your friend from a manipulative liar. In return, I want Ladybug's and Chat Noir's miraculous."
"No." Ruby said loudly, her eyes snapped open as she slowly stood up, wobbling in her place. No one touched her, but stayed close in any case. "You made a mistake, Hawkmoth. Because I know now who you are." She said quietly, a hunt of saddness in her voice. Everyone around her was freaking out, but Marinette just kept staring at Ruby, slowly inching toward.
She wrapped her fingers lightly on Ruby's akumatized bracelet, and the girl snapped her head to the young designer. "Have fun trying to get your akuma back, Hawkmoth. I'm keeping it until Ladybug comes to purify it."
"You insolent girl! Give in to your anger!" Hawkmoth practically yelled, sending a wave of pain to her. She winced, closing her eyes tightly as she felt Marinette grab both of her wrists, grounding her.
"I have no anger. You're trying to give me yours. Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do." Ruby calmly stated, severing the connection between her and the villain. Once it was gone, she groaned, falling forward. If it wasn't for Marinette holding her, she would've collapsed.
"Rubes can you hear me?" Marinette says quietly, Chloe trying to shush the growing group around them. Ruby blinked a few times as her eyes began to focus on blue eyes.
"H-hey maribug." The girl finally said, watching as Marinette let out a sigh of relief. She let Ruby lean on her, keeping a careful eye of the akumatized item.
"Ruby thank you so much! I would've been akumatized if you hadn't saved me." Lila spoke first, smiling brightly at her, though her eyes held a dangerous glint. Somehow the whole class was there, thanking her and asking if both she and Lila were okay.
The girl just smiled weakly, still feeling the negative effects of the akuma. It took a while bit eventually the class left, having a picnic to go in another area of the park.
Only Alya and Lila stayed behind, one filled with worry while the other was filled with silent anger. "Ruby, you sure you're okay?" Alya asked, warily glancing at Marinette, who was still holding on to the girl.
"I'm fine. Marinette can take care me. It's not like I have anything against her." Ruby deadpanned, before quickly relaxing so the akuma can't turn her. Alya seemed shocked by the statement, and had no time to respond, feeling Lila pull her away.
"Chloe, help me get her out to a more secluded area." Marinette spoke, the blonde nodding. Adrien had disappeared, probably getting something or going back to the photo shoot.
Both girls helped Ruby to the back of the bakery, which was the closest. Marinette left, saying she'll bring some water and cookies. So Ruby stayed with Chloe, who for some reason was having a mental breakdown, though she hid it well.
Ruby closed her eyes and leaned her head on Chloe's shoulder, waiting for Marinette or Ladybug.
Only after a few minutes, both Ladybug and Chat Noir arrive quietly, not wanting to startle the girl. Chloe-- who had a red face, Marinette would talk to her later-- gently woke Ruby up, and saw saw the heroes in front of her.
"Are you okay?" Ladybug asked softly, chat helping her sit up.
"I'm fine, Ladybug. Just a little tired. The akuma is in my bracelet." She holds up her arm, and a darkened bracelet practically glares at the heroes.
"Chat Noir said that he saw you were keeping the akuma, and not being akumatized is very brave of you." Ladybug smiled, removing the bracelet and handing it to Chat Noir.
She summoned a lucky charm, catching it and staring in confusion at the item. It was a phine that had a picture of Chloe, Ruby, Adrien, and Marinette. Chloe face was red while Ruby held her possessively, and Marinette and Adrien were smiling in satisfaction.
Later. The heroine thought to herself as Chat Noir destroyed the bracelet and she caught the akuma, purifying it and throwing the lucky charm in the air. The little ladybugs fixed the broken bracelet and Ruby practically relaxed against Chloe.
"Do you know how the akuma came to you anyways?" Chloe said after a while, her face beet red.
"Alya thought me and Adrien were flirting with each other. Which one, gross, and two we're cousins. And even if we weren't related, he'd be like a little brother to me. So the reporter, who really doesn't know what she's doing, kept saying all this stuff that made me seem like a big deal and could rival Lila. Obviously she didn't like that. Then Alya said that if she didn't think Lila and Adrien would look good, I'd look great with him." Ruby said, rolling her eyes while Ladybug pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. Ladybug, you need to do something about lie-la. And the supposed 'ladyblog' that is filled with lies." Chloe huffed, watching Chat Noir nodding a little in agreement.
"Actually. I have a plan, and I could use your help." Ruby stated, smirking at the heroes.
The Paris saviors looked at each other, the black clad hero nodding at his partner. Turning back to Ruby, Ladybug smirked, a hand on her hip.
"We're listening."
°·°·°·°·
Requested tags: @ezio-demon @ignorantly-apathatic @marilee98 @tinybrie @kuroko26 @claaydoh @mewwitch @taleeuuhhh @starrosecolors @zebrabaker @miraculously-quality-content @slytherinqueen2432 @rayray384 @starberry-mina @royalchaoticfangirl @book-r-the-best (I was generous and did 16)
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kendrixtermina · 4 years
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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from
Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched
In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.
Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.
Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure
Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.
Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.
If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.
Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.
All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.
Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.
This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.
My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.
Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.
Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.
Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.
And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.
The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.
And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.
Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me
That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"
Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it
He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!
But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.
No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?
Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.
And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.
I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.
I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.
Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves
Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.
Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...
Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...
my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.
But that all started because of my ex fiance.
He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.
And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.
Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.
I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.
Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.
By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.
And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.
When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.
And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.
I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.
I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.
But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.
So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.
Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️
I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.
I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.
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mistymark · 5 years
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nct dream as classmates
renjun
carries like 346342 things in his pencil case
is constantly drawing in his notebook and textbooks
leans over to doodle in the margins of your pages
his notes are really messy tho
rolls his eyes at ur much neater, more aesthetically pleasing notes
but is always willing to give u coloured pens and pencils to keep to a colour theme
is probably shocked to find out he's top of the class and thinks its a joke
but boy is just smart af
but all his word documents are titled like ‘redox fucking reactions’ ‘what the fuck is a chloroplast’ ‘??????????’
sends u all his notes tho
texts u at midnight all the time for no fuckin reason
it always starts with ‘yo are u still awake’
and ur like ‘yeah whats up’
and then he’ll respond with the most RANDOM shit
like what goes through that boys head
‘do u think I should use yellow or orange for the next part of my project’
‘idk send me a photo’
‘no just pick’
‘uh yellow’
‘im gonna go with blue’
either rocks up to classes looking like a god or an absolute mess theres no in between
marches through the halls with his hair a mess and doesnt give a shit
lowkey terrifies the younger students lmao
but will help them out if they ask for it
jeno
good student
studies enough but doesnt stress that much
he's just here for a good time
throws snacks at u when u frown at ur work until u look up at him and smile
lowkey worried about ur mental health
that shy kid that everyone expects to be average at all his subjects but u catch a glance of his tests and theyre all A+
owns a planner
uses it
what
I know
keeps track of a lot of school events bc he has a lot of extra curriculars
tries to get u to join more
(no)
probably knows ur schedule better than u do
‘hey jeno what do u have next’
‘calculus’
‘...’
‘that means you have chemistry’
ur always yelling at him through the halls like ‘OI JENO WHERE U GOING’ to try and find out what subject u have next
walks u to classes even if theyre in the completely wrong direction to his own
you really only have study hall together
but u had a lot of classes in common last year and ur habits of studying together just carried through I guess
has really good fashion sense 
lowkey dresses like a fuckboi
donghyuck
sometimes you just wanna punch him in the face tbh
‘hey y/n can I borrow a pencil?’
‘do u have spare paper?’
‘can we share ur textbook’
but ofc u love him sm and he's ur study buddy
studying together mainly ends up with him lying on ur bed throwing a ball up in the air while u sit at ur desk and actually study
is so willing to quiz you with ur flashcards tho
beams so hard when u get something write while he's quizzing u
claims he’ll treat u to coffee afterwards but never does lmao
makes up songs and rhymes to help him remember formulas and equations
recites the quadratic formula song whenever u mention math (even if it has nothing to do with what ur learning)
always suggests going to cafes and parks and stuff to study then spends the entire time doing the opposite of studying
‘come onnn y/n u need to relax a bit’
texts u in the morning to ask u to bring him a spare calculator or something for a test bc he forgot his
claims u to be his life saver
probably has ur contact in his phone as ‘lifeline’ or something equally cheesy
really appreciates u tho
jaemin
literally the #1 study buddy
brings heaps of snacks whenever u study together
when its late he’ll text u and tell u to go to sleep
has every single study tip crammed into his head and regurgitates them all whenever u complain about having to study
furrows his brows when u say u didn't get enough sleep but doesnt say anything
he's probably popular af
flirts with the teachers and laughs when u elbow him to stop
soooo well known ?? like even people at other schools know him ??
has aesthetic notes tho
probably has his own studygram
wears soft sweaters to classes
literally just looks like he has his life in order
gets one bad grade and studies his butt off to improve
‘life is all about improving y/n we cant all be amazing at everything straight away’
keeps u sane tbh
like literally how has he not had a mental breakdown yet its the middle of the year
youve had four just this week
‘do u want me to bring u coffee this morning?’
chenle
studies with u all the time
but he doesnt actually study
he's just waiting for u to finish so u can go catch a movie or go out to eat
stays up late playing video games
*sips coffee* “I havent slept in six days”
doesnt even like the taste of coffee
all the teachers love him tho
like he's playful and cheery but is super respectful too
he's just really good w adults ?
sends u texts during class and u wonder how he hasn't been caught
probably has never had a detention
but has been close to getting one 1289823 times
that kid that carries around one 5-subject notebook and two pens and thats literally it
brings his own lunch but trades it for jisung’s lunchables
sneaks food off ur plate all the time in the cafeteria
smiles at everyone in the hallway
offers u a ride home as much as he can
or he catches the bus with you
and shares his headphones with u
jisung
probably that kid that takes aggressive notes in the back of the class
tells u to shut up during class (and its not so he can focus lmao)
tries to get all his work done in class so he has no homework
groans whenever the teacher gives u activities
makes a face whenever a new slide pops up on the board
lots of question marks in his notes
‘to find the derivative of an exponential, it stays the same?’
‘aerobic respiration occurs in three stages: ????, the Krebs cycle and the electron transport chain’
invites u over to play video games the night before a big test
‘its self care’
shut up jisung we all know u just need an excuse to hang out
the teachers convince him to sign up to be a tutor
makes u come to all his tutoring sessions
you go out to eat afterwards
and just chill on a park bench and eat food truck food until its getting late
offers u his jacket on the walk home
has really red cheeks that are ‘from the cold’
theyre not
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levucky · 4 years
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al horford sleeper agent
—————
anyway by now ive told basically everyone i care about but i had a life changing experience over the weekend. n it sounds dumb as shit but i met a real life dude who was basically a clone of nick from franz. weird hours. guess this is a thread
before we start i want to say i havent thought about franz in weeks. theyve gone away on their own finally but really i think my old obsessions just get replaced every few years and maybe it was my hard work in therapy or my new obsession with rap or
maybe it was just a realization or me growing up and maturing or something but i dont even want to work on my favorite fanfics anymore or anything. it’s just odd. i think im changing
and i don’t think about how my former favorite band members are doing or worry about them or check their socials n it feels really good. but i know there probably is or probably will be a replacement
ok that was a tangent. if they were replaced by anything they were replaced by new friends and the NBA. so there’s the exposition of this story sorted
anyway back to the weekend. the sleeper agent invited me to lunch. and that was the catalyst. god people are being so loud in here let me go to the art library
anyway i just kind of realized "huh i guess there's more out there." i went to lunch n shit. WE went to lunch n shit. stopped caring so much about my math homework. let myself be dumb and in love
that’s a very human thing. lunch. he spilled his stupid chipotle burrito all over his stupid bright green celtics jacket
he’s from italy. never even stepped foot in a chipotle. immediately clowned himself. some world we live in
we hung out all weekend. we went to lunch like two more times and we went to dinner. there was this big threat of leaving looming over my head the whole time. i made him walk like a mile on crutches and i feel very bad about it
i don’t know what’s wrong with him. it’s somewhere between a basketball injury and a chronic disability. either way that just made me feel even more emotionally attached to him. i never saw him without the celtics jacket
it was so cold that weekend. or maybe i just didn’t bring the right jacket. if he were a gentleman he would have offered me the celtics jacket. i didnt even hug him goodbye
and then of course he went back home. theres a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time. theres nothing special about me. he doesn't want to talk. i wrote my ap psych notes in green yesterday bc i was so in love with that stupid celtics jacket
im a sixers fan. the sixers and the celtics have been rivals forever. it was about to be war, except i want to move to boston. but really i want to move to dc. i wish the whole world was philly. things would be less complicated
im in love with a celtics jacket. a celtics jacket. of all teams. and i cant even talk to my basketball friends about it because they think im dumb shit for falling for some celtics fan with a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time
im not like those girls. i don’t think im like those girls. but i definitely exactly am
i have an economics test in fifteen minutes. i think one day ill drown in the atlantic ocean.
the test wasnt that bad. i thought about writing this the entire time. i would just zone out and stare and think about the phrase ‘al horford sleeper agent’
because he has to be. why else would someone put a diehard sixers fan right in front of a diehard celtics fan who looks exactly like the guitarist of their middle school favorite band
in reality i should be calling him a celtics sleeper agent because the whole point is that al horford is a sleeper agent for the celtics. but i hate al horford so i guess it’s more funny to include him in the title
i mean how can one player change so drastically like that? al horford was benched for the first time since his rookie season, like, two weeks ago after being traded to the sixers. how does that happen? why *wouldn’t* he be playing badly so his old friends win the title?
al horford’s gotta be retiring in like, three years, tops. he’s working for the celtics, i know it. and my sleeper agent is trying to convert me to a celtics fan
i understand why people make jokes, though. it’s a very human thing to want to go home. al horford just wants to go home. he lived in boston for however many years let me look it up
god whatever it was only three years i thought it was like eleven that just ruined my point
back to the matter at hand though that’s all we’re trying to do. we all just want to feel at home. we’re all just these little things trying to connect somehow. sometimes we are more desperate than others
i think im pretty desperate right now. sometimes i sit in my bedroom and im like damn when do i get to go home? but im home
i didn’t even want to leave dc. it was all star break and there wasn’t even basketball on. so there i was, in basketball purgatory, wizards territory for some god forsaken reason, losing sleep over a celtics fan and not wanting to go home
and when i say i was losing sleep you better believe me. i was so excited to wake up in the morning that i didn’t want to fall asleep. i wanted to be awake forever, endless, running through the city
i’ll get there soon enough. it’ll be with different people. college, yknow. all that. but sometimes i feel like certain things can’t be replaced.
and im acting like a different person lately. im using my phone at red lights just so i can check for a message from the sleeper agent. it’s always one word responses
yes. ok. maybe. some shit like that. a haha every once in a while. he’s not interested and i should stop trying
and then, INEVITABLY, i send something stupid back, a photo of my hand on the wheel or something, and i get left on read
and i know im stupid for it. everyone i know is screaming at me “disco, you’re dumb shit” but i just want to believe for a minute that im loved, im special
I want to feel like someone out there cares about me that isn’t obligated to, yknow? my mom can say she loves me all she wants but it doesn’t feel as good as some italian celtics fan saying it
some hot italian celtics fan mind you
even if he wasn’t hot or italian it would be nice. and actually it would be better if he liked like, ANY other basketball team
except maybe the knicks
but whatever. main point: i know im dumb shit and should stop trying. but it feels good to feel like if i keep trying maybe i’ll be wanted
sleeper agent is just one of those people tho. he’s magnetic and everyone always wants to be around him. dumb as hell in the most charming way ever. my friends are still all making fun of me
i started crying in a pizza place the other night because even the CONCEPT of italy sent me over the edge. i need to stop before i
wait what’s the word
i need to stop before i immortalize him? no, no
i need to stop before i deify him. soon enough he’s going to be a new canonical character in my head and i’ll start making up legends and stories to myself
we barely knew each other. if i deify him i’ll start telling people he offered me the celtics jacket when it was cold out. he’ll become a perfect gentleman. and he wasnt. he was just some stupid hot italian boy in a bright green jacket
im not going to deify him. it won’t happen. but i love the color green. i always say i love yellow more but i think that’s passed. i wear a green ring on my right ring finger every day. im not going to deify him and i still hate the celtics
overall, the celtics are winning the rivalry. i don’t think the sixers have ever truly been “great,” at least outside of philly. maybe allen iverson. wilt chamberlain. dr j? theyve never had like, a dynasty. idk. i don’t think you’d be able to get a sixers jacket in italy.
it’s his birthday today. i should probably text him. i should probably stop thinking about him. that’s just dumb shit, disco youre better than this what happened to a little self confidence every now and again
sure lets say external validation isnt necessary but also i think that’s something the mindfulness crowd made up to sell more planners and tote bags in 2011. it feels good to be wanted
never waste all your time on it sure. know youre still worth it even when you have no friends and there are a million girls all over his instagram comments. but it does feel good to hear “goodness disco i like how much you like the philadelphia 76ers”
my friends are all making fun of me for being on some romeo and juliet shit because he’s literally from verona and he’s a celtics fan and im a sixers fan god damn it disco why does this always happen
i never even read romeo and juliet but i saw the dreamworks adaptation so i guess ive got the story relatively right i know they die in the end. the gnomes shatter into little pieces i think
anyway tangents aside the sixers won tonight. philly is lit up green. why the hell is philly lit up green? the eagles were done like three months ago and the flyers are orange. why is philly lit up green
oh god, he just snapped me. a zoomed in photo of himself with caption that says “76ers” with like five exclamation points
here we go again, everybody
wish me luck
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sirotras · 5 years
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8 PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW BETTER MEME
tagged by @ghostlygal and @visionmarred thank you!! c:
NAME: Meredith
BIRTHDAY: August 9th
ZODIAC: leo!
HEIGHT: 5′5′
HOBBIES: drawing (actually im not sure that counts since its what i want my career to be...) video games, crochet, knitting, embroidery, reading (havent been doing so much lately, gotta fix that), and ive been dabbling with writing! need to get back to horseback riding, its just so damn hot, and also need to start looking back into dance, ive really missed it :>
FAVORITE COLOR: blue and silver!
FAVORITE BOOK: thats... thats unfair and too hard, but one i rly remember reading and loving was the Swan Kingdom, read it years ago, rly want to reread it sometime, just dont know where my copy is, i still think about it even after so long (its gotta be like, what, nearly ten years at this point??) also i rly love the graceling books and the queen’s thief series! deathless is p great too
LAST SONG LISTENED: im listening to until the night turns by lord huron like, as im typing this
LAST MOVIE WATCHED: mmm i think that would have to be mid sommar, i heard it described as “not so much a horror movie, as it is a dread movie” and i have to strongly agree, very good, also very gory tho so keep that in mind
MEANING BEHIND YOUR URL: so, you see, in 10th grade i decided i wasn’t happy with my deviantart username and i could not decide what i wanted to use instead, i made lists and everything, just trying to figure out smth that i wouldnt hate in a year, and it got to the point where i just. started spelling random words from my bio homework backwards and one of them stuck! fast forward a few years and i find out the worksheet apparently spelled “sartorius” wrong so... tl;dr: it was a mistake i made when i was 15 and ive been to stubborn to fix it :’)
apparently “sartoris” is a novel from the ‘20′s, who knew!
tagging: im just gonna chicken out and not tag anyone, but if you wanna do it, go for it!
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tinypinprick · 5 years
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ed recovery help stuff (???)
a compiled list of things that are helping me rn with ed recovery ~
isabel foxen duke - talks about binge eating, restrict-binge cycle...she has a website, but i listen to her interviews on podcasts, literally just type her name into podcast app and listen to her make The Most Sense.
food psych podcast - love this podcast. changed my life. kickstarted my recovery. (i’d recommend listening to the newer episodes, because i know she’s mentioned the older ones can be more triggering because they’re so old, and shes learned more).
ava grace - youtuber. 17/18 yrs old? literally just vlogs about her ed recovery and extreme hunger. before her i’d never seen anyone else actually show how much they ate during extreme hunger, and it made me feel less alone. 
some other stuff that i do -
affirmations (’i am enough’ ‘i live in abundance’ ‘i love myself’).
telling myself i love myself and complimenting myself in the mirror.
avoiding mirrors (i actually havent had a full length mirror in nearly 3 years now, and it has been LIFE CHANGING).
leggings, loose clothes.
talking myself down. literally every time i start freaking out and wanting to do x behaviour, im like “nope that would be literally dumb why would yoU do this?” (be careful though - it helps me to show myself how silly im being but if this approach doesnt work for you, dont use it).
honestly asking myself what this will lead to - if i do x what will happen? nothing good? then why would i do it?
recognizing that set backs are just set backs, but i can always choose to try again.
breathing!!! literally just periodically taking super deep breaths!!! amazing!!!
listening/watching/reading things i enjoy (im reading a fanfic rn and its GREAT!).
truthfully, ive been doing pretty poorly lately. my mental health is bad, im stressed with uni, im slipping back into ed behaviours...but im just trying to take it one second at a time. im trying to still take care of myself. so if that means just doing 30 minutes of homework (i set a timer!) and then taking a break, thats fine by me. i know i overthink things and see my long to do list and freak out..and then get nothing done. so take one thing. choose just ONE thing to do. my mom used to always have to break tasks down for me, so i didnt get overwhelmed, but now that im trying to Adult I’m having to learn how to do that for myself. so my biggest advice i guess is to just break things down as much as you need to, to the teeeeeniest size task if thats what you need. its ok. youre ok.
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i-rove-rock-n-roll · 5 years
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28 questions tag
Sweet! I’m feeling pretty crappy (thanks to a stupid virus going around) and all I’m getting from my brain is like that really annoying screechy sound when you boot up a dial up computer. Anyway, since I apparently won’t be getting anything done today (writing/drawing/etc) Answering stuff is the way I’m going! 
@thecadmiuminkwell Thanks for the tag! ☮💙
1. How tall are you?
5′2 (I’m shorter than you, caddie. Actually, no caddie sounds dumb @thecadmiuminkwell)
2. What color and style is your hair?
brown and bleh. Like some days it likes to do a soft curl and then other times it likes to play dead. I need to get a trim. 
3. What color are your eyes?
hazel/ green/gray. idk man. I can’t see em. 
4. Do you wear glasses?
yup. and contacts with them cause I make bats look like they got 20/20 vision. 
5. Do you wear braces?
Nope. Did once. It sucked.
6. What is your fashion style?
like the past 4-5 decades threw up. I have clothes from 70′s-today. I am not hip, or fashionable, or up with the times though. 
7. Full name?
Ain’t getting me that easily internet (sorry, curious peeps) but if you want a name, you can call me A. (thinking about that being my pen name initial). 
8. When were you born?
Does anyone actually still chart their birth down to the dot? No, but I actually love the weather in the summer, which is when I was born. marginally less cool that I share a birthday with Napoleon Bonaparte, the less cool of two dorky Napoleons (the other one’s last name is Dynamite in case you missed the reference)
9. Where are you from and where do you live now?
Illinois and Illinois. I’ve moved towns a lot, but Never states. 
10. What school do you go to?
Also starts with an A. mascot is a dude dressed as a viking. a bit less cool than it sounds. (I’m a tired third year college student, i can nitpick on little things. Really, how hard is it to dress someone like an actual viking, and not in a stuffy costume that scares no one? Sports should be like the old days, striking fear into people’s hearts when the enter the court...ahem...er..nevermind)
11. What kind of student are you?
Usually start off bright eyed and bushy tailed, then loose any desire to work halfway through the term. I still do the homework, but it’s clear to everyone I’m dead inside. 
12. Do you like school?
Yeah. For the most part. Keeps me busy, and I hate being inactive, brainwise. 
13. What are your favorite school subjects?
Religion and Spanish. Because that’s pretty much all I’ve lived the past idk how any months I can’t think of anything else *sobs*
14. Favorite tv shows?
I don’t watch a load of tv. I have Netflix, and though I don’t even watch that a lot, the last few things I’ve watched and enjoyed was Nailed It, Nailed it Mexico, and the Curious Creations of Christine McConnell. I do have some tv shows on dvd that I like, like Golden Girls ( i grew up on their sass), the Good Guys (goofy cop show with tom hank’s son) and one I bought a while ago but havent sat down to watch (though I saw them all in middle school, waiting for it to come on so I could watch it) was Avatar the Last Airbender (the movie that doesn’t exist broke 12 yr old me’s heart). Though lately I’ve been on a nostalgia kick with Scooby-Doo 
15. Favorite Movies?
UHHHHHHH...... Clue is pretty dang funny (Tim Curry dude), I’m blanking... I saw Bohemian Rhapsody in theaters and my mind was slightly blown. I really like Dracula from 1921? 22? Bela Lugosi at  any rate. Old monster movies just have that aesthetic. 
16. Favorite books?
There’s no click all option, is there? No, but idk. I mean, I have a lot of books I like, but I don’t really know if I have a favorite.
17. Favorite pastime?
Eating. I like cooking and baking, but I tend to get banned from the kitchen because I’m messy (my food isn’t bad, I just get flour and sugar and sauce everywhere)
18. Do you have any regrets?
Currently, not spring cleaning when I should have. Five years ago. I’ve got too much stuff lol. 
19. Dream job?
I answered hermit in my last answer thing. I stand by that. 
20. Would you like to get married someday?
Meh. Like @thecadmiuminkwell said, for cake. Can I just skip to the cake? Actually, I’ll just buy myself a cake. Weddings are too much work.
21. Would you like to have kids someday?
I’m not averse, but I can’t see myself having kids myself, so I’d probably adopt when I’m a lot older than I am now (though I’d probably adopt teens). Some of my friends are already planning on having kids and I’m like, !!! I need to make sure I can survive irl, never mind a kid. 
22. How many?
Not something I can quantify when I don’t plan on doing it within the next ten years.
23. Do you like shopping?
I like to, but every time I do I feel bad for buying stuff I don’t need, even if its stuff I like, cause responsibility be like that. 
24. What countries have you visited?
I’ve only visited the one I’ve lived in. And not much of it.
25. What’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?
I can’t remember the scariest one I’ve ever had, but I did have one where a Marilyn Monroe look alike shot me as a kid. Wasn’t scary, just stuck with me. 
26. Do you have any enemies?
Probably. Good on them if they put in the effort into actively disliking me (except my 7th grade english teacher. Picking on kids is unwarranted)
27. Do you have an s/o?
Nope. 
28. Do you believe in miracles?
I like the idea, but no. Not to my own knowledge anyway. Maybe my brain’s hiding stuff from me. 
Ok, so hopefully this didn’t get too weird/rambly. I’m all foggy from cold meds
If anyone wants to feel free. If not *shrugs*
@pheita @quoth-the-ravens @alwolfesblog @writingwordsanddrawingpictures @marewriteblr
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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years
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On MySpace, what was in the last bulletin you posted? Most likely it was a survey. Man, I wish I could still access those. 15/16 year old me survey answers... yikes.
When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? In room a few weeks ago.
Have you ever been scolded by a mall cop? Not scolded, but one told me to take my hoodie off once. ha. He was cool about it.
How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? I zone out a lot.
What’s your favorite thing to think about as you’re falling asleep? I don’t have much control over where my brain goes. It likes to go some weird, random, and sometimes dark places.
Is there anything that you want to do, but you won’t do because you’re too afraid? A lot of things.
Who was the last person to yell at you? Not sure. I don’t get yelled at, but like my parents and I have our disagreements and get frustrated with each other sometimes.
Who gets up the earliest in your household and what about the latest? My dad gets up the earliest everyday even on the weekends when he’s off work. The latest is me.
Have you ever had a pet walk across your keyboard while you were typing? No. My dogs have always been too big to do that.
Which political issues are you most passionate about? I don’t want to get into politics.
You’re going to your favorite foreign country, so what landmarks do you go see? I’d love to check out many places in Sweden.
What’s the longest amount of time that you’ve spent away from your home? A week.
Did the last movie you watched have any emotional affect on you? I just saw Glass on Saturday, which was pretty crazy. In a good way.
What motivates you to go to school? I’m done with school, thank goodness.
How much caffeine have you consumed in one day? I used to always have coffee first thing and then a can of soda later on. Sometimes more coffee later that night. I haven’t had soda; though, in over year. Well, minus the sip I take with my medicine (I have to crush my pills and soda is the only thing I can take it with). Now I’m just about the coffee, twice a day. Nice, warm, big, delicious cups of coffee.
Are you more hyper and up-tight or laid back and relaxed? Hyper and upright don’t seem to go together in the way you paired these things, but I’d say I actually come off laid back to people who don’t really know me and probably just cause I’m pretty quiet, but really I’m more tense and anxious.
When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? *shrug*
How did you pick out your last outfit? I just grabbed some leggings and a sweatshirt. Not much thought went into it.
Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? I would be now.
When was the last children’s birthday party you attended? It’s been a couple years.
Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I think so. I could be taking it the wrong way sometimes, though.
If you’re sick, do you go to school or do you stay home usually? It depended on how sick I was. Typically, I’d power through, but there were times where I just couldn’t. There were times in college before I had a pretty big surgery for something where I was sick a lot and went to school with a fever and chills. I’d have to pop some Tylenol before class, sometimes even during, and just push through. Weak me today can’t relate.
Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? No.
What’s one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? Usually I’m not much into anything because my taste buds are all messed up and everything tastes bland. And then depending on what kind of sick I am, I may not want to eat anything, really. I have to force myself to eat toast or soup in times like that.
Thinking of the last survey you filled out, did you enjoy it? It was okay.
Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? Yeah, before I learned how terrible it is for them. <<<< Same. :X
Is it hard to imagine you were ever as small as a one or two-year-old? Yeah. Such a long time ago. D:
What set the tone for your mood today? It’s only 1:56AM. So far; though, I feel pretty crappy cause of this cough and cold thing I have going on.
Have you ever set out to ruin someone else’s day? No. I would never intentionally do that.
Have you ever felt like the whole world was against you? Just like life in general, ya know?
What was the name of the last video game you played? Life is Strange.
What was the name of the last board game that you played? I don’t remember, it’s been too long. I love board games.
What was the last thing that you told yourself? *shrug*
How many times a day do you wash your face? I actually don’t. I just apply moisturizer sometimes.
If someone throws hot coffee on you, how do you react? Uh, well, I’d react to something HOT being thrown at me and be like WTF? I’ve spilled hot coffee on myself on accident, so I know it’s not a pleasant feeling.
Is there a high school or college that you would rather be attending? I’m doneeee with school.
Have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? Duplex.
Has anyone ever commented on your weight? Yes. I get told how I’m “too skinny” all the time.
What’s a show from the ’90s that you miss? I mean, I still watch a lot of my favorites from that time.
Who provokes your sarcastic side the most? My brother and I sarcastically joke around all the time.
Have you ever thought about joining the military? No. I couldn’t anyway.
When you were little, did you ever stare at disabled or “different” people? I was/am disabled and am quite familiar with the stares.
Could the contents of your bedroom get you in any trouble? No...
Do weather patterns sometimes have an affect on your health? Rainy, cold weather can give me headaches and make me achy. Hot weather makes me just absolutely miserable.
If it snows a lot where you live, do you experience cabin fever? It doesn’t snow here. :(
When was the last time someone disapproved of something you were doing? I feel like my family disapproves of me not doing things I should be doing pertaining to my health. I know they get frustrated with me for that.
Do you consider yourself to be approachable? I’m not sure.
How do you respond to cheesy pick-up lines? Laugh. I’ve been asked the whole, “aye girl, what’s your sign?” before.
How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? Fine.
Are you ever jealous of happy couples? No. I may feel envious sometimes, but not jealous.
How would you describe a thought that’s sticking with you today? I’ve been thinking about how crappy I feel.
Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? No one in particular.
In a car, air conditioning or roll the windows down? Air conditioning.
Is there a new song or band you’ve discovered? I’ve come across some new music recently. I don’t really listen to music a whole lot like I used to, so I went on Spotify the other day and checked out some new stuff to add to my playlist.
What teacher gives you the most homework?
What type of personality do you find most annoying? Cockiness and arrogance.
Are you punctual? Yes.
Have you ever howled at the full moon? ...No.
Have you ever seen yourself on camera? Yes. EW. The most torturous thing ever was back when I for some reason took this “acting for the camera” class and we’d have to do monologues and skits that were filmed. The WORST part about that was the professor would play everyone’s tape in front of the class and we were to give constructive criticism. Omg it was horrible.
Do you give any consideration to what’s said in your horoscope? I don’t even read those anymore. Back when I used to, I was so opposite of how a Leo is always described. They’re always said to be confident and outgoing people and I’m just like, ahahahahah.
When was the last time you felt like you were being followed? Yikes. I used to feel that way sometimes whenever I had to go to the bus stop or was going home from the bus stop.
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blackvail22 · 3 years
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16 may 2021
tw // suicide
side note- im embarrassed to share this experience with you, but i’m doing it anyways.
2:56pm - my friend has been threatening thay he’s going to kill himself rn and im trying to hard fo help him ans make sure he’s okay but i dont know what to do. i was on a call with him, and he sais he had to go and he hung up and now he’s not answering me and im so scared abdullah im so scared i havent cried this much or been so scared for years i dont want him to die
update: i believe he’s okay now. god, that was terrifying. i cant imagine what i would do if he actually did it. i still feel in shock but im crying as well. im gonna watch one of my favorite animes and hopefully i feel better afterwards.
6:57pm - okay. i need to vent about the whole situation that happened earlier because i just... i just have to.
so, one of my friends liked me. let’s call him k. k told me he wanted to be more than friends with me. i said “okay” and we tried it out. i realized that i couldn’t be more than friends with him because i was still getting ov3er my last relationship, so i told him that i wasnt ready to be in a relationship with him. he was okay at first... and then he just.. wasn’t.
he said, “y’know what? i’m gonna do what i should’ve done last month” even though i knew where it was gonna go, i asked what he meant. he said “die, Die, DIE”, meaning that he was going to kill himself. i was already panicking at this point, and i just kept panicking and panicking. i kept telling him “no, don’t do it, k. there are so many people that care for you. you are loved, k. don’t do it” i was in a call with one of his friends and his cousin, so i asked them to message him because i was worried about him. i was starting to cry now, and they were like “look... i’m sure he’s fine.” i told them what was happening, and they said that he’s going to be fine. i didn’t believe them. k kept telling me to leave him alone, but i didn’t in fear that he would do it while being left alone. i told him i would leave him alone if he would stay on a call with someone. he said “fine. you going to leave me alone now?” i asked him to send proof that he was on the phone with someone, and then he called me.
he didn’t sound like himself. at all.
he kept asking me, “you think i’m crazy, don’t you?” his tone of voice sounded...out of himself? like, he was having a mental breakdown, and you could genuinely tell. he kept laughing, but his laugh... it wasn’t his. it sounded... it sounded like he was going insane inside of his brain. i kept asking what he was doing, and he told me the same thing each time. there were times where it just sounded like he was choking, and i kept saying his name until he would answer me. he told me “it’s time for me to sleep forever *laughs*” after a little bit of me begging him not to, he lied and said, “i have to go. my mom’s home. bye jordyn” and... no, the way he said bye to me... i can’t. it was so scary. i just thought of it and im crying because of it. it sounded like he was actually going to do it.
i messaged his cousin to make sure k was okay because he stopped responding to me. k was okay when his cousin called him, and his cousin told me that he just needed to be left alone by me. i understand it.
about two hours ago, k called a groupchat with me and our friends in it and asked if we wanted to play a game together. while we played, he kept doing the same laugh from the other call.
sometimes when i think about that laugh or the way he said “bye jordyn” i start to choke. i literally lose all air and start choking for a few seconds. i also have this constant pain of anxiety in my chest as well as my entire body feels numb. it’s terrifying. this was so traumatic for me.
i almost led someone to end their life on accident? who knew love was so fucking deadly.
*i know that sometimes when someone says theyre going to off themselves during a rejection or breakup, it’s a form of manipulation, but i literally cannot help but try to stop them. the amount of friends and family that have attempted and i was helpless... i couldn’t stand not trying to help. i was still helpless in this situation though. i never stopped him. i just kept making it worse. god, abdullah... i’m so helpless? this... GOD im useless
10:45pm - i have homework due in the morning but i’m so drained. everything lately, especially today, has been too much, and i just… i cannot do it.
12:11am (2020-05-17) - my eyes still burn from how much ive cried today lmao im just gonna go to bed i hope i dont have nightmares about it
oh- something i just thought of. idk why but what happened today affected me more than when i saw my dad almost kill himself & my mom while drunk, and then watch him get drove off in a cop car lmao
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valcain · 6 years
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kiss it better // inuyasha
2 things. FIRST and MOST IMPORTANTLY!! THIS IS A LATE BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MY DEAR FRIEND @kagomehigurashi YOU ARE THE SWEETEST ANGEL TO WALK ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND I HOPE THIS NEXT YEAR TREATS YOU WELL AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS (and that this does the childhood friends to lovers trope justice!! <3)
second thing - i havent written anything, especially kagkik, in AGES so… keep that in mind while reading.
Kagome learns to kiss with her best friend.
She’s twelve, Kikyo is twelve and a half, already taller, always prettier - according to the boys who live on their block.
‘But I’m not,’ Kikyo had said, mystified, after the boys cycled away. Kagome laughed.
‘Yes you are, silly.’ she reaches over and tugs on a lock of Kikyo’s hair. ‘You’re so… shiny.’
Kikyo, always stubborn - but softer so back then - shakes her head.
‘They’re wrong,’ she promises, looking so solemn Kagome just has to reach over and poke her side, in the exact spot she knows is ticklish. Kikyo swats her away, but Kagome is determined, and they end up rolling over grass, forgetting the argument entirely. For the time being, at least.
Kikyo remains adamant that Kagome was the pretty one over the years, and Kagome didn’t push the point - as far as she was concerned, Kikyo was the most beautiful person on the planet, but Kikyo was so insistent she kept that little thought to herself.
It was after one of those half-hearted arguments that the kiss happened. They were sitting under the big tree in Kagome’s back yard, Kikyo’s book still open on her lap where she’s been reading it before they started talking. Kagome shrugs.
‘Beauty is subjective, anyway,’ she says, parroting her teacher from the other week. ‘So everyone can think what they want to. but I mean, you’ve already had your first kiss and I -‘
‘I haven’t’ Kikyo interrupts. Kagome frowns.
‘You haven’t? but what about that boy?’
‘Which boy?’
‘Inuyasha.’
Kikyo wrinkles her nose slightly. ‘No.’
‘Well, Kagura told me you had,’ Kagome argues, somewhat sheepishly.
‘If I’d been kissed,’ Kikyo says with great dignity, ‘I would have told you.’ She’s watching Kagome with something akin to frustration, like, how do you still not get how this works?
‘Oh.’ Kagome sits back, suddenly… relieved. It had hurt a bit, that she’d found out from Kagura - when she thought it was true, anyway. But Kagome had figured it couldn’t be like this forever, always together, telling each other everything. That was just part of growing up, you lost things. Kagome didn’t want to lose Kikyo, ever, but it had occurred to her maybe Kikyo wanted to lose her. After all, Kikyo was smart and beautiful and wonderful, and maybe Kagome just didn’t fit in the ‘best friend’ position anymore.
‘I thought maybe you didn’t want to tell me,’ Kagome says finally. Kikyo is staring at her now, her ‘Kagome is an alien’ stare. Kagome tries not to roll her eyes, it’s been a while since she’s seen that particular expression.
‘I would have told you,’ Kikyo repeats, more forceful than before, and Kagome nods, mollified.
‘Ok, sorry.’ she smiles, embarrassed. ‘I was a bit impressed though. I mean, I don’t even know how to kiss.’ impressed was not the right word for what she’d felt in that moment. It was more like… suddenly very tired and a little empty. Kikyo closes her book.
‘Me neither.’
‘Hm.’ Kagome gives her a critical once over. ‘I expect you’ll learn soon. Even if you haven’t had your first yet, I know a lot of boys want to kiss you.’
Kikyo wrinkles her nose with more fervor, tracing the pattern on the cover of her book. ‘I don’t want to kiss any of them.’
‘Even Koga?’ He’s a year older than the both of them, and the most popular boy in school. His hair is as long as Kagome’s, she always saw Inuyasha grabbing his ponytail to yank his head back.
Kikyo shakes her head.
‘I don’t want to kiss any of them either,’ Kagome confides, and it’s true. The boys are nice enough when they’re not being idiots, but the idea of touching her mouth to theirs is gross. Does boy breath smell bad? Kikyo’s breath smells like pomegranates because they’re her favourite fruit. Kikyo is giving Kagome a considering look.
‘Maybe we should practice,’ Kikyo says.
‘Why?’
‘So we don’t do it wrong when it’s for real.’
‘Oh. Right.’ Kagome nods. ‘Ok.’ She and Kikyo have shared everything their whole lives, so really this makes sense. And she knows Kikyo won’t laugh if she does it wrong, like a boy would. The more Kagome thinks about it, actually, the more sense this makes. Kikyo carefully sets her book down on the ground and turns more fully to face Kagome. Her hair is tied back in a heavy plait against her back, but a few strands blow freely across her face. She tucks them neatly behind her ear. Kagome shifts so that her knees are pressed against Kikyo’s. All of a sudden, she can feel her heart pressing against her throat. She swallows, trying to push it back down. It doesn’t budge.
‘So… how…’
Kikyo’s expression is similar to the one she wears while doing homework. Like she sees a puzzle before her, one she knows she can work out, but isn’t quite sure how yet. She doesn’t look as though she feels any of the uncertainty currently creeping through Kagome’s mind.
‘Like this, I think.’ Kikyo reaches over and frames Kagome’s face with her hands. Then she pulls her closer, just a little, and leans in until they meet in the middle.
Kikyo smells like pomegranates, like always. Her hands on Kagome’s cheeks are a little warm. Their mouths are touching, just like in the movies. Kagome giggles against Kikyo’s lips, and Kikyo pulls back looking reproachful.
‘Sorry.’ Kagome shakes her head. ‘Sorry. Can we try again?’
This time she makes the move, her hands clenched into fists at her sides. Her nose bumps into Kikyo’s cheek, and they kiss again. It’s… a bit anti climatic. She waits for something to happen, but nothing does, she just sits there and the wind blows quietly and Kikyo is warm beside her. They both pull back this time, watching one another.
‘Do you think we did it right?’ Kagome asks after a moment. Kikyo’s brow creases slightly.
‘I think so.’
‘One last try?’
Kikyo nods. They kiss for the third time, and it’s the same as before until Kagome shifts, trying to get a bit closer and ends up tilting them both so that Kikyo’s mouth catches on hers just slightly and
Kagome moves away, she can feel herself beginning to blush. Her heart isn’t in her throat anymore its down in the soles of her feet, sending rapid pulses out into the ground. she felt something. Kikyo nods a little, but she doesn’t seem any different. Not like Kagome feels. She just reaches out and plucks her book up off the ground and starts reading like nothing happened, and after a moment Kagome realises, horrified, that maybe nothing did happen - for her. Maybe Kagome felt something, whatever it was, and Kikyo… didn’t.
She sits back against the tree trying not to feel hollow. At least, she thinks consolingly, at least you’re still best friends. At least Kikyo isn’t keeping secrets from you. At least she’s still here.
A month later, Kikyo moves away, and Kagome is left standing outside her best friends empty house with the memory of Kikyo’s lips against hers and the melancholy feeling that came instead of anger or surprise or betrayal. The feeling that meant she knew something like this would happen, because Kikyo was beautiful and Kikyo was incredible and eventually Kagome just wasn’t going to cut it in her world anymore.
She does end up kissing a boy. A few boys, over the years, and some girls as well – just to see. They’re all nice, she likes kissing girls a bit more, but they’re all fun. None of them give her the feeling though. It takes Kagome longer than she’s proud of to realise what that means, and even when she does, she hasn’t seen Kikyo in eight, nine, ten years,
She doesn’t see her best friend again until she’s twenty-three and Kikyo is twenty-three and a half. Still taller, still prettier - not that Kagome is surprised. They’re at the same university, in the same politics class – Kikyo studying medicine with politics as an elective, Kagome studying who-the-hell-knows-what, and politics because she could and it was interesting. When she sees Kikyo for the first time in eleven years, she spends the rest of the lecture staring at her while the lecturer’s voice wavers around her like white fuzz, until the class ends and she sprints over to her, hugging her before she can stop to think.
‘You cut all your hair off!’ Kagome exclaims, pulling away from Kikyo to flick at it. It sits choppily around her ears, and she looks incredible.
‘Suits you,’ she says, and grins. ‘But I bet any hairstyle would.’
Kikyo doesn’t smile back. That’s something Kagome learns over the next few weeks, during the eleven years they were apart, Kikyo lost a lot of her softness. Kagome can see remnants of it under her eyes, but for the most part it’s been replaced by something a lot sharper. She’s still Kikyo, though, and Kagome still loves her. She just wonders if Kikyo still loves her, too. Maybe she does, because she doesn’t complain or pull away when they start spending more time together. And she’s not one to suffer fools, she never was, so Kagome takes that as a good sign. But still, it doesn’t feel… right. Not yet. Not until they end up in a bar somewhere after midterm exams, and finally – with the right combination of relief and alcohol, they slip into old, comfortable routines. Kagome’s cheeks ache with smiling.
‘I thought about you every day for three years,’ she says, pushing away another gin and tonic and watching Kikyo. ‘Then for five years I thought about you everyday ‘cept weekends. And public holidays.’
She sees a flicker of a smile and points at it. ‘There. That smile. I thought about that smile every Tuesday.’
‘Oh?’ Kikyo smirks now. ‘What’d you think about on the other days?’
‘Your hair.’ Kagome ticks them off on her fingers. ‘Your eyes. Your lips-’
‘You thought about my lips?’
Kagome cackles at her. You thought about my lips? What a joke. ‘Of course I did.’ I couldn’t stop.
Kikyo draws closer.
‘I thought about yours,’ she says solemnly, and Kagome stares down at the array of empty glasses on the table and wonders how Kikyo is so much more lucid than she is.
‘Why aren’t you drunk?’ she asks, pointing an accusatory finger in Kikyo’s face.
‘I am.’
Kagome shakes her head, and all the sounds of the world condense for a moment.
‘I don’t believe you.’ she takes a hold of Kikyo’s face and brings it close to her own, studying it intently. The last time you were this close, you kissed, says the alcohol.
Kikyo’s cheeks are pink, Kagome realises. Pink and warm under her palms. She doesn’t smell like pomegranates anymore.
‘I thought about your lips too,’ Kikyo repeats, quieter this time.
‘You didn’t forget?’ Kagome teases. ‘Not with all the other kisses you’ve been getting all these years?’
‘They weren’t the same,’ Kikyo says, and suddenly Kagome doesn’t feel quite so drunk. An old sore is returning, pushed to the surface by an alcohol-and-Kikyo born vulnerability.
‘What do you mean?’ she asks, and her mouth is dry.
Kikyo watches her carefully. ‘Do you still think about when we kissed?’
Kagome swallows. ‘Yes,’ she croaks. She reaches blindly for a glass and catches one of the empty ones. Thankfully the ice is beginning to melt down the bottom, and she drink the small amount of water in it before speaking again.
‘All the time?’ Kikyo’s eyes are sharp and precise, cutting away in exactly the right places to leave Kagome bare.
She nods. ‘Do you?’ she manages.
Kikyo shrugs one shoulder, up, down. ‘I couldn’t stop.’
Kagome gapes at her. ‘But – I thought –’
‘What?’
‘I dunno… I didn’t think you felt anything. I thought it didn’t really mean anything to you.’
Kikyo raises an eyebrow. ‘You pulled away.’
‘Oh,’ Kagome says. Then she starts to laugh. God, imagine that. She’d spent the past eleven years dreaming of that kiss – and so had Kikyo. God. God. Then she opens her eyes and looks at Kikyo again, and now that she knows what she knows she wants to – god she wants to kiss her again. She’s still holding Kikyo’s face, she realizes dimly. Neither of them had moved back, they’re still – but after so long of not seeing Kikyo it feels wrong to just - just do it like this.
She relinquishes Kikyo with a sigh. Except then Kikyo is looking up at her, and she managed to get very close without Kagome noticing, and Kagome tries to say,
‘how’d you do that?’ but Kikyo steals any breath she could have used for talking away and they’re kissing again after eleven years and -
Kagome tugs Kikyo closer, wrapping her fingers in her short hair and god how could she have gone so long without this? How could she have lived so long missing this? Kikyo’s arm is hooked around her neck, the other ghosts over her hip and Kagome pulls back, just a little, to look at her. Kikyo is watching her, as wary now as she’d been forward before.
‘God,’ Kagome chokes out. ‘You have no fucking idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.’
Kikyo smiles tentatively, and twelve-year-old Kikyo is suddenly painfully present in her expression. ‘Me too,’ she says.
Kagome wakes up the next morning with a hangover, and Kikyo next to her.
‘My head hurts,’ she grumbles, her arm over her eyes to shield them from the cruel, cruel sun. Then she squints up at Kikyo, and grins a little.
‘Kiss it better?’
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warmau · 7 years
Text
{Special} College!AU Doyoung
major: pre-law / concentration: business law
minor: comparative literature 
sports: sometimes he says he’ll join tennis team to be closer to taeyong and taeyong begs him not to do that. anything but that.
clubs: book review club, uni orchestra 
everyone knows doyoung as a talker, he talks really well and no matter what he never seems to get nervous when there’s a crowd listening to him
which is why when he says “lawyer” everyone is like,,,,,,,,,,of course
his original plan was to become a professor because he likes books and discussion on literature
like,,,,no joke he’s always staying thirty minutes late debating on theories in books with all his teachers
and some teachers love it while others are like doyoung please i am just a teacher i need to go- and he’s like “have you considered that moby dick is actually trash? here’s 54 reasons why:-”
his older brother is an alumni of the school and everyone is like oh ~ you’re gong myungs brother??? and everyone in the pre-med department always wants to talk to doyoung about gong myung and doyoung is like yes. he went on to be a doctor. no. he isn’t married. no he ISNT LOOKING- 
he lovessss to bother taeyong when they all go out to eat and he’s just like “more handsome every day i see?” and taeyong is like someone save me. sicheng. yuta-
but doyoung just throws his arms around taeyong and is like ^^ let’s study together!~~~ and taeyong is dying but everyone else is living because it’s so funny,,,,
dorms with jaehyun and everyone is like wow,,,they’re so mature they’re probably in there studying and being studios students!!!!
while in reality they’re sitting on the floor playing video games and doyoung is betting jaehyun all his lunch credits for the weekend on some wii sports resort golf
but he really does give off the studios vibe,,,because out of everyone on campus he dresses so???? formally like
you’ll never catch him in sweatpants and a big t-shirt (see: taeil) like doyoung wears collar shirts, those dad pants that are jeans but made of corduroy??? maybe a tie if he’s feeling it,,,,,, flip flops on campus? he’d rather DIE he’s wearing those oxfords and u know it!
is lowkey trying to give advice to e v e r y o n e like “mark,,,,,i know ur going to soccer but wear knee pads - i don’t care if you’ve been playing for ten years sweetie” to “johnny. that color of green on you is ugly.”
people find him intimidating because yes,,,,,he can be straightforward and blunt
but,,,,he’s a sweetheart who looks like a curious kid with round eyes and a kind smile 
and as much  as taeyong might spend running away from doyoungs affection,,,,he loves having him around because doyoung never makes anything awkward
he’s a natural leader tbh and he can make a conversation out of nothing it’s crazy,,,,,,,
and you,,,,,,know who doyoung is because you’re friends with ten who is always telling about how much he LOVES doyoung
how silly he is,,,,,how fun he is,,,,,how he acts like a cute bunny sometimes
and you,,,,,do not get it
because you’ve seen doyoung and the way he looks so sharp and intellectual and how when he talks he sounds like he knows,,,,,,everything
you’re not even sure you’ve seen doyoung laugh
and ten shows you the pics on his instagram of doyoung laughing,,,hand over mouth,,,looking silly with hair a mess and soft skin,,,,
but you’re like,,,,,,,you’re still sorta intimidated by him you just??? don’t get how someone can be so naturally good at being social and confident
and ten waves it off he’s like doyoung has his insecurities too,,,you know he IS human too??
and you’re like nope,,,too handsome- i mean too smart to be human
and ten hears the handsome but pretends not to and you’re like coughing into your palm because leTS not admit that maybe you’re intimidated because you know if you spoke to doyoung you’d become a blubbering mess
because wow he’s ,,,,,,,,,, attractive ,,,,,,,,, and so much more intelligent that anyone you know TT 
that is until one day you’re looking down at your homework, stoic expression and ten throws his bag down beside you on the quad and sits down and is like whats up
and ur like,,,,,,,,,i have to give a speech for a class,,,,,,,,ten,,,,,,,i cant
and ten,,,,looks like christmas came early or something because he’s like DOYOUNG
and you’re like ?????? what about hi-
and ten is like DOYOUNG CAN HELP YOU OMG this is great you two can finally meet and fall in lo- i mean help each other ok ill introduce you right now let me text him
you aren’t fast enough to stop ten’s exited hands and before you can grab his phone ten is like sent!!!!!! 
and ur like ten,,,i don’t wanna bother him or an-
ten: doyoung says he’d love to help!! he’ll meet you in the library at 7
and u just sit there,,,,looking at ten whose give u the mOST GIDDY expression
and ur like fine ok and u get up and ten is like its gonna be grEAT and ur like,,,,,a little nervous because u,,,,,,have never been around doyoung,,,,,,,,
and ur like ten come with m-
but then u hear the familiar voice of johnny calling ten over and ten is like id love to but i gtg and johnny comes jogging over like whats going on
and ten is like “they’re going on a blind date~ except it’s not blind im hooking them up with doyoung”
and you’re like TEN I SWEAR TO GOD WHAT DID U JUST SAY
and johnny is like HEY cool doyoung and you would look cu-
and ur like so red u can feel it like a damn sunburn on ur face and ur like stomping away before johnny can finish
shaking your head and ten is just like LOVE WILL BLOSSOM
but ur just likea mess in ur head because this dumb speech,,,,dumb ten,,,,dumb e m o t i o n s because once u come to terms with the fact that u have to see doyoung
like up close ,,,, and personal,,,,,,,,,,
ur heart cant stop doing leaps,,,,,,,,,,how c*rny 
and 7 comes around much faster than expected and you’re in the library,,,,sure that doyoung wont be there right on time-
but he is,,,,,of course he is
and he’s sitting there,,,,,striped button down,,,,neatly laid out notebook and pen,,,,,,pretty side profile as he looks over something on is phone,,,,and wow his hands,,,fingers so long and pretty
ok snap out of it cmon
and somehow you manage to force yourself to go over there,,,,,doyoung looks up and you feel your legs turn to jello as he smiles and stands up as well putting his hand out to shake yours and introduce himself
LIKE you don’t know who he is but u stummer out ur own response and doyoung sits back down and puts his hands together and is like well! speech writing is tough but ive given a couple of them so i think i can be of use to u!
and ur like,,,,,not even sure what to say because what the HECK he makes u so nervous and its like chill he’s just another person,,,,a goofy person according to ten,,,,,,,,
but doyoung just smiles kindly and goes “is there anything you specifically need help with?”
and before you can even think you just blurt out; “ i can’t,,,,,,,,,talk”
and doyoung blinks but lets out a small laugh,,,,covering his mouth with his hand and he’s like “well yes you can, you just did. also,,,”
he leans over the table a bit and ur heart literally goes ! and he motions to his lips and he’s like “you have a mouth, and you can make noise, so i think you’re good on that. any other problems?”
and you’re like,,,,,dsfklsf,,,,,,,,, “i,,,,i just cant do it in front of people,,,,,lots of people.”
doyoung sits back and with a knowing nod says that that is a problem for a lot of people,,,,,but that instead of worrying about that you should first work on writing the speech
embarrassingly you admit that you havent and doyoung just grins and is like that’s why im here to help, so tell me about your class
and yes,,,,you’re nervous,,,,,but doyoung somehow makes it really easy for you to explain what you want to do because he’s ,,,,, just so good at making things understandable
and he’s ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, sweet
a part of you had always just assumed he’d be the kind of straightforward, blunt, cold kind of personality
but even with his slight jokes and his corrections and critique like,,,,doyoung isn’t mean or even off-putting
and your nervousness isn’t about asking him for help or even the speech anymore,,,,,it’s more of just,,,,,,,,,,,that feeling of a crush,,,,
when it hits ten though doyoung apologizes and says he has to go because of another late study group he has and you shake your head telling him he’s helped you aLOT
but before he leaves he pulls out a page from his book and hands it to you,,,,on it is his email and cell and he’s like send me your speech and ill look it over and we can decide another time to meet to talk about it
and ur so,,,,shocked you go “you- this isn’t a one time thing?” and doyoung grins again,,,,,,,,,that smile of his,,,,,,,,,,,and he’s like “did ten tell you im some kind of flake? really,,,,that guy,,,,,of course it isn’t a one time thing i said im going to help, right?”
and you want to tell him that no no ten has only said that he’s great,,,but you’re still shy and doyoungs smile and kindness is making it even harder to respond 
before you know it doyoung is halfway out of the library, turning to wave and you’re so caught up that when you lift your hand to wave back he’s gone
and you mumble to yourself that you forgot to thank him,,,,,,you really should
ofc the next day ten practically forces you to sit down and tell him e v e r y last detail and you’re like he,,,,,,,,,,,,,,doyoung is nice
and ten is like I TOLD YOU he can be a pain in the ass with his sarcastic comments but he has a good heart
and ur like,,,,,,,,,,,,ten and ten is like hmm and ur like ten i think ive always had a crush on him like those ‘ill admire u from afar kinda things but ten,,,,oh my god i think i might start liking him seriously if he really is this sweet”
and ten damn near spits out his iced coffee but he just grabs your hands and is like YESSSSS I HAVE AWAITED THIS MOMENT 
and you’re like wkfgfjr what and he’s like please ur lil crush was more than obvious but wow,,,,,,,,,,,a love on campus,,,,,a tutor and his student,,,,,,,,just like a drama i love it
and ur like ten please its not like he’ll like me - and ten is just like shh we just need to wait and see
and,,,,doyoung follows up on his promise. even in his tight schedule he finds the time to sit down and read over your speech and send you edits or meet up in person to talk
sure a couple of times you’ve had to meet him in the city at one of his internships,,,,,once you had to come over to the orchestra recital hall to talk to him,,,,,,then there was that time you meet outside a hospital???? that apparently doyoung’s brother was working in
and ,,,,, every time doyoung never failed to show you how much he was putting effort into really helping you
from having you read out loud to him and telling you ways to get over nervousness to fixing small grammar errors and helping with vocabulary
you could really see,,,,,,his intellect and social skills and,,,there probably isn’t anyone better on campus to help you than him
and finally as the date of your speech approaches doyoung suggests reading the speech in front of him and a couple of friends
so you end up all cramped into a small study room,,,,doyoung, ten, johnny, taeyong, yuta, winwin, taeil, mark, haechan, and jaehyun,,,,,and ur hands are shaking a bit 
but doyoung reaches out,,,smiling and somehow your body calms down and you go through your whole speech without a single mistake and doyoung is just like wah,,,,do you all see this??? my work has paid off,,,,,,they’re perfect!
and he gets up throwing an arm around you and pulling you into his side
and ten winks and ur like GFgFDSS
but,,,,,,,when you look up to see doyoung looking so happy you can’t help but feel that being right there beside him,,,,,,is a spot you want to keep
the day of your speech doyoung sends you a text of encouragement,,,,,a picture of him giving you the thumbs up too and you smile and go into class much more confident than you ever thought you’d be
,,,,,,the speech,,,,,,it’s great
you do so well you even manage to surprise your teacher and when you’re out you practically skip out of class,,,,taking your phone out to text doyoung that you did it!!! you got the A!!!!!
but,,,,,when you meet up with ten later he kind of bites back his lip when you bring up doyoung because apparently,,,,,,,he’s not feeling to good
and you’re like he’s sick??? and ten sighs and is like,,,no it’s just he has this really big speech of his own coming up,,,,it’s for his brothers alumni party,,,,,,,,,he said it wasn’t going to stress him but it turns out a couple of law school recruiters are going to be there so it’s messing a bit with his confidence
and you frown,,,,knowing doyoung,,,,,you’ve never seen him falter in his self worth and you decide that he helped you so you’re going to go help him
so with ten’s instructions you find yourself in front of doyoungs dorm,,,,a box of white chocolate cake,,,,,,and your heart going a thousand miles an hour
and you knock only to hear some kind of noise from the inside and the door opening by itself
and you can see doyoung’s shoulders hunched over at his desk and quietly you let yourself be known,,,,doyoung turning around in his chair,,,,bags under his eyes and you’re like “ten,,,,,told me about your speech” and he just waves his hand as if to brush it off
and is like “what about you - did it go well?” and you wonder ,,, maybe he didn’t look at his phone,,,,,,didn’t see your text so you nod and you’re like i couldn’t have done it without you
and doyoung smiles but its small and wavering and you’re like “doyoung,,,,,i ,,,,,i want to thank you for being there for me and helping me,,,,,,, i,,,,,,”
a sudden surge of adrenaline makes you stand a little straighter and you can’t believe you’re going to say this but you do
“and i was wondering if we could go ,,,,out ,,,,,on a date,,,,,sometime,,,”
you open your mouth to say that you’ll even treat since he’s given you so much of his time but doyoung’s eyes darken
and before you can he goes “im sorry. school will always come first for me.”
it’s not,,,,,a harsh rejection or anything,,,,,,,,,it isn’t even unexpected
but doyoung’s voice sounds so cold and heavy that you cant help but feel choked up,,,,,rather than that embarrassed too,,,,,and you look at him
doyoungs eyes shifting to the cake in your hands and then back to your face,,,but for the first time he doesn’t look you in the eyes
instead he turns back in his chair, tells you he needs to go back to preparing and that if you could close the door tightly on your way out that’d be good
you,,,,,don’t budge for a moment but when you come to you drop the cake on his bed and mumble out “it’s for you.” and do as you’re told, leaving the dorm eyes wet with tears
and ten doesn’t believe you when you tell him it,,,,,,,, he says that doesnt sound like doyoung,,,,,like yes he’s always putting school first and whatnot but doyoung would never,,,,,,,,,he’d never be so curt
but you just tell ten that there isn’t any use in lying,,,,,,,what would doyoung find in you anyway and ten seems ready to lecture you again but the look on your face makes him stop
and you tell ten that it doesn’t matter,,,,,,, a crush isn’t anything anyway
the rest of the month goes by slowly,,, you still have lots of your own work to concentrate on and you don’t think about the unanswered text from doyoung 
you try not to at least,,, ,and your other friends distract you,,,, ten does his best too and you’re happy even though seeing doyoung on campus still makes your heart sink
but you don’t expect that you’d be sitting in study hall one interview and you’d get a call from ten 
“can you come down to outside the main faculty building? doyoung - just come ok?”
confused you pack your things and make way to the big building at the end of the campus ,,,,, when you call ten and text him where he is there isn’t any response and you furrow your eyebrows wondering what the hell this is about
until the door opens and you turn “ten what the he-”
doyoung’s tall, lean frame comes stumbling toward you,,,,exhaustion and sadness apparent in his face
and you barely get your arms out in time to catch him 
the warmth of his face against your neck makes your body react and quietly as he stands there in your arms you ask whats going on
and doyoung doesn’t say much,,,face rubbing slightly against your neck and you don’t know what you should do 
finally he pulls back and you reach up to fix the hair thats gotten into his eyes
doyoung takes your hand though and while looking at you goes; “i was wrong.”
and you’re like ???? about what
doyoung doesn’t look like he has the words yet and he can’t say anything because the door opens and for the first time before you is gong myung
“doyoung, the speech-”
you look at him,,,doyoungs eyes squeezing shut and he’s like “brother i can-”
but you just grab his shoulders and smile at gong myung telling him doyoung will be back in a couple of minutes
slightly confused gong myung disappears back inside and you realize that this is the big alumni speech ten had told you about and you’re like “doyoung,,,,c’mon you’re the one who told me that i can,,,,i can because i can speak and i have a mouth right - so do you doyoung you’re the most eloquent person i have ever met what is going-”
your paused with the feeling of doyoung’s lips on yours,,,unmoving he stays like that for a while and your mind blanks
doyoung pulls back only to tell you that it’s not the speech,,,it’s the thoughts ,,,,, the thoughts about you
about how he blamed school just because he was too scared to just say yes,,,,
and you’re not sure what - but then it hits u and you’re like,,,,,,,,doyoung,,,,,,,,nOW iS NOT tHE T ime TO WORRY ABOUT thAT
and doyoung is like !?@#@?#$? but i was so mean i did want to go on that date wit-
and you’re like OK COOL WE WILL BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU BEATING YOURSELF UP OVER THAT 
and doyoung is like yES I THOUGHT I HURT YOU
and you’re like PLEASE ITS FINE NOW JUST FORGET IT AND GO UP THERE AND MAKE YOUR BROTHER PROUD
doyoung’s face brightens,,,,,the sparkle in his eyes returns and you shake your head because god ten was right this,,,,this boy really is kind,,,,,,even behind that constant confidence and laugh,,,he really thinks about the people around him
and doyoung is like i can do it. im gonna go in there and kill that speech.
and you’re like YES you will!!!! i believe in you!!!!
giving a little fist pump doyoung grins and turns to the door,,,only to spin on his heel back to you
holding your face with both his hands and kissing you once more before disappearing back inside
you wait a bit and your phone goes off with just a winky emoji from ten and you’re like huh but the doors open again and doyoung comes running out
arms engulfing you in another hug that leaves you blushing when he pulls back and behind him is a smug looking nct ,,,,, esp ten whose face basically screaming: I SAID SOOO
but also gong myung,,,, and you take like three steps away from doyoung because igflkdfsd skinship in front of his brother no no no
and gong myung is like “is this the person who made my brother such a mess?” and you’re like,,,,,,,,oh my god how do i answer that
and doyoung is like “dont make me bring up your significant other from high school brother.” and gong myung is like WELL I HAVE TO GO NOW
and doyoung comes closer and is like “so,,,,about that date? are you free now?”
and you’re like akjsfdf shouldnt you go with your brother and all the important alumn-
and doyoung shrugs and is like “i think my speech blew them away, now i have to mysteriously disappear and keep them guessing - right?”
you almost outright roll your eyes at the thought but also,,,,,you ARE free,,,,,,so,,,,,
taeyong as he watches you and doyoung giggling together: thank god he found someone to distract him
ten: i agree,,,,but also isn’t seeing him happy making you kinda happy ;)
taeyong: suddenly i cant read and i must go bye
anyway doyoung and you go grab some drinks and take a walk at a nearby park,,,,,even though it’s simple it’s kind of the perfect first date
doyoung insists that he’ll take you somewhere better but he needs time to plan and you’re like it’s ok,,,,these kinds of things are my favorite
and he smiles a bit and you’re like,,,,you’re thinking of something arent you?
and reaching out for your hand doyoung whispers “these kinds of things,,,,,,like just being by each others side?”
and you bite back your lip,,, stuttering because,,,,,,,ok,,,,,,,how can he just boldly say that?!?!?!
but doyoung finds it adorable and pulls you closer and is like “i like it too, i like having you here. when you weren’t around anymore,,,,,,it felt,,,,,empty.”
and ok ten is like,,,,,,,,,he is your biggest fan he literally sits you and doyoung down the next day and is like “i bless this marriage” “ten we aren’t-” “i bless this marriage but doyoung oh my god if you do anything to hurt them i will personally shave your head in your sleep and leak every video i have of you singing in the shower do not test me.”
but everyone else is happy too,,,,,yuta is like DAMN i didnt expect this and doyoung is like why not and yuta is like because you’re so uptight about everything. mr school is my life. mr school is my significant other. mr. school and i kissed for the first ti-
doyoung with his hand over yutas mouth: we geT IT narcisist nakamoto 
the only normal one about the situation is taeil but he’s also like be careful doyoung is sly~ a real playboy~
and you’re like really?!??!
and winwin is like yEAH all the old ladies from the campus cafeteria say hes the perfect son in law. he has all of them swooned.
you; oh. you meant that kind of playboy LOL
doyoung is,,,,everything you expect him to be as a boyfriend: caring, and helpful
but,,,,also too caring + helpful sometimes with the way he keeps shrugging off his blazer or cardigan to throw around your shoulders because the library is cold or switching out your soda for water because we need to stay healthy
but he’s doing it from a place of love,,,he really is
teaches you note taking tricks and when he takes you supply shopping he’s like “you are super special to me which is why im telling you where to get the best highlighters in seoul and you cannot tell ANYONE. A N  Y O N E.”
doyoung’s fashion sense doesn’t change,,,, not even on dates to the movies or amusement parks or the beach
like you and the guys planned to do some night time fireworks and everyone showed up in basically their pajamas but doyoung? nope. the oxfords were still on,,,,,even in the goddamn sand
but doyoung,,,, is the life of the party he really makes everyone laugh and you,,,,,,,,get to have inside jokes with him
that always leave you laughing till your stomach hurts and doyoung has to pull you into his lap and apologize and ur like ,,,babe im not just laughing because it’s FUNNY and he’s like YES but im too funny. im too powerful. you need to control me
and you’re like blushing and somewhere johnny is probably like “i taught him that” JKJK 
doesn’t look like the type but is totally a late-night snacker
you two will sometimes meet just to eat convenience store bread and chips and talk about how college is the WORST with your legs entwined on the bench outside of the law department
and it’s like midnight no one is on campus but you and doyoung are perfectly ok in the dark munching away your problems together
doyoung thinks flowers are the most romantic thing and if he ever goes into the city and comes back he always comes back with flowers
and they’re different every time and you always get shy when he gives them to you because everyone around you is like ooooooo and doyoung is so proud of himself and you,,,,just melt how is he so cute
once,,,just to see his reaction,,, you brought him flowers and you gave them to him after class and it was his turn to get all shy and it was the best moment ever
you made taeil record the whole thing and whenever doyoung gets cheeky you just bring up the video and you’re like look. look here. you’re a giant cute baby dont even argue. look ur ears turned cherry red
isn’t a big clothing sharer but he wears glasses when studying sometimes so you steal them every now and then to wear and ,,,, doyoung thinks you look so cute in them that he just lets it happen tbh
sometimes though he’ll start an argument over it just to be like “let’s settle it with a tickle fight”,,,,,he just wants to tickle you tbh
doyoung sometimes narrates what you do to make you blush like if you’re doing some work on your laptop he’ll be like “and they look at the screen,,,concentrated,,,focused,,,looking hot and smart. i would kiss them if they weren’t so busy,,,” and it gets u everytime 
because you turn to look at him and doyoung leans over to get a kiss and ur like AH IM TRYING TO WORK and doyoung is like well switch of your cuteness then i cannot help myself 
sometimes he talks to himself and you love it like you love doyoungs voice so much,,,,
like when u just had a crush you thought it was nice but now it’s just music to your ears honestly
has pet names for you and calls you them in public because doyoung likes to show of your relationship
not corny enough for couple sweaters or anything but couple phone wallpapers are a must
admitted that he said to one of his professors that ever since he fell in love he’s kind of grown an interest in romantic novels and you’re like wait wait fell in love 
and doyoung is like yeah,,,,,i love you,,,is that not obvious?
and you almost fell out of your chair,,,, but,,,, you love him too of course,,,
you always tell his not to cover his laugh because he has a habit of putting his hand in front of is mouth and you’re like,,,,,,,,i love your smile and laugh dont hide it
and doyoung ,,,,, when you compliment him its like the whole world is just the two of you and doyoung just wants to hold you in his arms because ugh he loves you so damn much
doyoung is a good talker but he’s an even better kisser
and kisses turn from innocent pecks on each others lips while you’re over at his dorm to full blow make outs with doyoungs big hands under your shirt
and the books thrown off his desk,,,him standing between your legs and the feeling of your lip between his teeth,,,,
doyoung does have a soft spot,,,his spine,,,,and when you settle kisses down it it makes him shiver and he becomes so cutely submissive,,,,,
sometimes you’ll sneak up from behind and kiss right below the back of his neck and seriously doyoung almost faints LOL
he likes to cook for you if he has time,,,,he cant cook a lot but he has some dishes and also he looks so cute because he always hums to himself and its just,,,,,,,,,so nice and sweet of him
you guys vibe so well with each other that just walking around for hours without going anywhere is exciting for you two
just looking at the scenery, holding hands, and talking,,,,,makes you two happy
ten tells doyoung that you used to think he was stoic and mean and ur like tEN and doyoung is like really?????? do you still think that??? do you not love me???
and you have to kiss him like 9403 times before he stops whining and bringing it up and ur like side eyeing ten for this whose just like WHAT I THOUGHT HE SHOULD KNOW
plays his flute when he’s stressed and you keep pestering him to teach you but seriously ever since you started dating its too hard to do anything when you’re around each other because you’re both so in love that it just turns mushy and its like yes teach me how to play the flute but also come here and cuddle me kinda situation
 taeyong secretly misses all of doyoungs attention but at the same time he thinks you make doyoung a lot brighter and better and hes thankful,,,,,,,,,like really thankful
doyoung is the kind of boyfriend who when you trip over something he doesnt hide laughter but he helps you back up and scolds the twig you tripped over for hurting you LOL 
taeyong | yuta | bangtan | vixx | monsta x | got7 + kard + amber | seventeen | 
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modiintrainguy · 4 years
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Confusion Reigns
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December 19, 2019, 6.43am
 I can’t stop thinking about this.
That i am now constantly seeing everything through the prism of “ADHD” or an “ADHD brain” as AL says.
And as he says, an ADHD brain does not mean you have “Attention Deficit” and “Hyperactivity”.
It is about not being able to use “executive function” properly so you you find it very hard to make decisions. That you know what you should do and why you should do it and really you usually know how you do it - but something stops you from actually doing it. something about how its very hard to get from the back brain to the front brain.
Which has always been my problem - it shows, from how i always put homework off, to the extreme anxiety i felt with the product marketing job at sbt where i had to make a plan and implement it by myself.... let alone cleaning up at home and doing dishes and planning shabbat meals and dealing with finances and making a schedule for the month with the kids and stuff.
he says that one of the issues is having no discernable end to the task plus overwhelm, as i wrote in the previous post.
he also says that people with an “adhd brain” get frustrated quickly whihc can lead to anger.
also....
Therefore i think alot that  this could be why the therapy + medication approach to my “depression” over the last 20 years hasnt really worked.
if the problem is the “adhd brain,” then trying to make me “happier” by 
giving me drugs to increase serotonin and/or dopamine and norepinephrine to supposedly make me happy
encouraging me to relax and then use my rationality to realise what the real problem is  
think about what made upset as a child and how that influenced me as an adult, 
do cbt to focus on the realy problem
isnt going to work. 
because even if i feel happier or think rationally, i still dont get over the hump and do what i need to do or become less frustrated because the “adhd” brain stops me from doing the rational thing even if i know what it is and im relaxed. 
maybe thats why when i do exercise i feel good at the time because my minds off the problem but the problem hasnt gone away and when i come back from a run its still there and even i feel ok after a run i still cant deal with it so i feel just as crap as before after ive had a shower!
but then: the issues...
So the issue i have is that it seems too good to be true - is this the reason i am so bad at getting stuff done and i become so rude?
take the last few days, when i snapped at the mrs over little things, including: whether she really understood or meant it when she said having a bath has the same affect as running which supposedly has an antidepressent affect due to increase in dopamine or something. or when i got annoyed when i asked her whether she asked the wall painter guy to come at 8am and she said “i sent him a message” instead of saying what was in the message was can you come at 8am.
The issues therefore are:
is it ok to blame it all (or most of it) on me having an “adhd brain? it seems like it is the main problem but is that a cop out?
one sec, how do i know i have an “adhd brain” - i haven’t been diagnosed, so should i be? is there a real accurate diagnosis u can get anyway. and will i get it done considering my main problem is putting things off!?
even if i am diagnosed and it seems this is the main problem, what the fuck do we do now? can i actually get over the hump and get things done and not be rude when im stressed?
how bad can i be, considering i still get things done ok. 
like, i invited a kid over yesterday who we met in the park on shabbat and whose mum is a psychologist who speciallises in adhd among other things and is into DBT and hypnotherapy and a but of mindfulness and her husband has been diagnosed with adhd. she said she thought our apartment is very neat and i told her ivebeen at home alot the last few weeks. and she was suprised cos her husbanad never does things like clearing up (and i used to do alot less when i didnt have kids so have i somehow improved or was it just out of neccesity? although now i clean the floor alot but is it cos i love the dyson?)
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One other thing...
I was thinknig something else. (dont worry its connected).
it seems is that i leave everything to the last minute but when i do that with something i actually need to do, then i usually have a plan of how it can get done, so i set a deadline and work out exactly what needs to be done when and assume that is the only way that it can be done.
then when i need other people to do things to help me get it done, i most probably havent told them about their role in advance and then i get annoyed and frustrated when they dont do exactly what i need them to do as quickly as possible, when really, they didnt know i expected to do that, and anyway they might have a different idea of how to get this thing done,but im totally convinced my way is not only the best way but the only way! so i get annoyed and hurry them up and then get worried that we’re not going to do the thing on time and that will be a disaster and i almost implode.
this can be for anything - a good example is leaving on time for shul so we get to the children service to (although get the kids up and ready and out the house in the morning or getting them to bed before it becomes “too late” are also perfect examples). 
when i decide we should go to shul cos otherwise shabbat is just a long nothing cos we wont drive, and theres no point going to shul if we’re going to miss the chjildrens service at 10 because we dont do anything else when we are there apart from play, then it all becomes a rush. but at the same time, the mrs doesnt know im thinking that, cos some weeks im less urgent, the kids dont really understand time and dont care as long as they get to wear their nice dresses, and im all rushing and angry and frustrated.
see what i mean.
anyway better get the girls up - mrs has already gone to work cos we have littleruns chanuka party at gan today. (fucking hell planning how we are all ggoing to get there on time was a headfuck - believe me. although we’ve done it!)
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