#i mean. im barely maintaining my friendships. my own life is in shambles. i can't open up. can't take care of myself.

[cryolyst]

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#i love the knowledge that i shouldn't be in a romantic relationship and realizing all my romantic fantasies won't ever come true #not in a sad self deprecating way. just that im really flawed n have so much work to do on myself before i can ever date. #i mean. im barely maintaining my friendships. my own life is in shambles. i can't open up. can't take care of myself. #have to deal w my depression. gotta fix my bad habits. need to manage the usage of my phone. gotta be better w sleep and hygiene. #im so dependent on my parents and i rely on technology n fandom as a coping mechanism. im self centered. #it might take me a lifetime to deal w all those things #i really don't think i can be w someone in a romantic way until ive dealt with a majority of those issues #or at the very least working on most of those problems #i mean. if im unable to sustain a good healthy n meaningful friendship then... uh #oof but im. not as like. intensely a hopeless romantic as i was before? #like idk if anyone reading this remembers but i used to like. self destruct when someone cute did one (1) nice thing to me. #n i went on and on about whoever i had a crush on that month. id make hundreds of posts about holding their hand or playing with their hair. #and idk why but sometime this summer it stopped? like i still get crushes n get flustered abt ppl being nice #but im not. as intense abt it. might be realizing im not ready/it's not right for me? might be the depression? lmao. #anyways. point is it might've been real devastating if this understanding came to me last year or w/e but im good w it now. #ignore me