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#i messed myself up for years from this

imma vent for a sec

#the more I grow up the worse my bond with my family becomes#as a kid I guess I didn't have anything to compare to so I couldn't rly do anything but suck it all up and tell myself it could be worse#but now I'm an adult I realize how hard my parents are messing up#it's literally like... how can you stab me and then ask why I'm bleeding#how can you just blatantly ignore everything I say and make it about you#you just completely disregard anything I say#all of it#and when I realized at first-when I was a teenager-I got pissed off#I was angry and I fought for my voice and I fought to be heard#I literally sobbed and wailed for the first time in years--I'm pretty sure that's the first emotion you've witnessed from me in years#and that... did nothing?#you didn't even care#WHILE I was crying you were still gaslighting and guilt tripping me#and even as I explained that you are never listening to my emotions or to what I have to say#STILL you blamed me#couldn't you sense that in that very moment my heart broke forever?#I had hope before you know. I thought if I just talked to you about it#maybe then you'd realize#but you just... kept blaming me#as I was crying you just kept blaming me and putting the blame on me and forgiving me as if I was the one who did something wrong#and when I ask to go somewhere I can never go#you're trying to isolate me now#you're shit talking my only friends#and when I'm at home I'm still not doing it right for you#I give you so many chances#so many times. I try to talk to you about my feelings or about something silly or stupid that happened at work or school and SOMEHOW#SOMEHOW you find a way to blame me#so I stopped talking to you about anything because you wouldn't listen anyway but still use it against me in later arguments#and I stopped showing emotion cause you'll just gaslight me and blame me + now I want to stop having a presence at all bc you'll find#SOMETHING to complain about. can't you see that I'm literally dying? your own child and you don't even know her.
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#it's 2:AM I'm stressed as fuck from every single thing that happened and will ever happen#let me just vomit my thoughts so that I stop thinking about bad things#and to just keep myself entertained...I feel like I watched whole youtube in past hour#i love all animals but cuckoos can fuck off...I hate them#it's messing with me that we all have different voices...how? are there people that have the same voice? what is my voice?#i really miss having math because I feel like I'm just getting more and more stupid with each year...my brain needs exercise#i used to be such a good student at high school#i knew every capital in Africa#i was the best in philosophy#and psychology#now all I can do is swedish on a level of a toddler...all that in 5 years#i feel like I'm failing at life#my brother is 20 today...and I still feel like he's 15#recently I just can't stop thinking how stupid US are and how they influence every single fart in the world#i think world would be a better place without US ...I can only wish that Vikings would never land there#also isn't crazy that in the past people just didn't know about other parts of the world#history always messes me up it's crazy...like it all happened it doesn't seem real#it's always the stuff you hear and read about but never really realize it happened#another thing that makes my brain overheat is when I realize that the whole world is happening right at this second#as I'm typing this there is someone dying or giving birth or having breakfast or petting a dog#you are alive right at this second as me and I think it's nice to be alive together :))#also I keep thinking...are bonsais happy? or are they suffering? is it normal?#aren't they like those poor messed up dogs that are suffer because of years of breeding?#also few days ago I learned that the water we use here for flushing the toilet is normal drink water and it makes me sick#it's such a waste!!#it's because it could be dangerous for kids that would decide to drink it...#kids are fucking stupid and I'm saying this as someone who used to eat play dough and soap bars#always when I'm up this late I think about cars driving at this time and think about people in them and their stories#i don't like night...I never did... it's really scary and it feels like a different world when everything changes to evil#when I was kid I was so scared of sleeping...like I'd it getting darker outside and go into panic mode
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rlly vibing w/ poetry rn

#i've always had trouble with the if you want to be a writer you need to actually write#i'm not saying i want to be a writer but it's always gone in and out of my head#anyway#i'm realising poetry is a form of writing that actually i can do#i find inspiration in the environment in the media i consume in day to day life#and i write a poem#not super regularly no but i am writing original work more often than i ever did at any other point#the whole coming up with a story plot and trying to write a whole ass book is a little much for me actually#i really never did have any success there#but a poem? i can write a poem. a page. two pages. getting my thoughts out roughly#editing it with advice i picked up on from the writing class i took last year. if i want to#no pressure. some stuff i write out and do not edit. i might come back to it later but idk#no one else is seeing it i don't need to pass any assessments with it it can be a mess of an idea#i can always come back eventually#at christmas my uncle asked if i ever planned to try and put out a book of my poetry since he read a piece my dad sent#the idea of writing a books worth of poems is also too overwhelming actually#but i can do single poems. and maybe one day i'll realise i actually have quite a lot#i suppose it's a weird dream of mine now. i feel like i'd never actually get it published but idk#dreams don't have to be realistic. it seems more achievable than trying to write a novel anyway#to be perfectly honest it's one of the first dreams i've had for myself since my depression set it during my mid teens#it's a good sign i think. i know i'm gonna have a future now. here's my first dream. i like it. i can change my mind or whatever#but it doesn't change the fact i thought ahead to the future for something i'd really like to do at one point. so. anyway. yup
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since it’s A3′s fourth anniversary in Japan, i can’t help but think a little more about it.

I started playing a3 exactly 461 days ago according to the app. I was sucked in by some screenshots i was seeing on twitter when it lautched in the english server. the stuff i was seeing were so fun i wanted to discover the plot for myself, and it hadn’t disappointed ever since.

i don’t really get sucked in in slice of life stories so i honestly didn’t expect to get this involved in a3. I also came in completely blind which really made the plot stand out even more for me, discovering it with twist and turns.

A3 has a very solid story, and very good and solid characters that are easy to empathize with, or relate with. 

but imo, the real strength of a3, above all, is that they’ll present you those flawed characters, who all have some stuff wounding them, holding them back, may it be trauma or anxiety or family and stuff… and they address how those stuff heavily affected them… and then process to give them storylines to recover from it.

Since a lot of the storyarcs are easy to relate to, the recovery arcs always hit me right up. 

in a way a3 just… feel like a safe place even as the player. We see the characters bloom and grow past the stuff that were heavy for them, and we grow with them as it goes. 

It’s been over a year for me, and the fact the game has a “the time passes in game just like IRL” vibe with the events timing or the blog posts really make the growth hit even harder when you follow them step by step. 

And i just.. can’t get enough, and it’s part of why i don’t know yet if i’ll read the JPN server translations because i really like going step by step in the story, along with those characters.

a3 really is quite a gem of a story for me… and i’m just so grateful it came into my life when it did. 

Onto new years ahead!

image
#more personal stuff in the tags: i was obsessed with the game from day one and binged it then but didn't expect to relate to the charas a lo#but i found kinship especially with Azuma and Hisoka on first read which really came to bite me in the ass later#honestly originally i didn't really know why i did - Hisoka was amnesic so it's not like i could relate to his story then#and i don't relate at all to azuma's backstory - i.. relate a lot to his coping mechanism and general behavior tho#(friends who got to see/know Azuma also kinda threw it in my face that 'yeah you do that a lot too' and im :(.)#i do relate to a bit of Hisoka's behavior but more when i'm alone - Azuma is more how i behave with others#(one of the first time i realized i related to Hisoka was bc a friend teased me after i took my fourth nap during a day)#but it took Nocturnality to slap me in the face and have to think more deeply about those stuff i relate to Azuma with...#and as i grew to love Hisoka more act 2 slapped me in the face with his backstory that i sadly can extremely relate to#i don't want to get too much in depth but i was honestly a mess reading it because it was /so specific/.#then later in act 2 there was more discussion around Azuma's trauma ...#and the thing is that both of those things adding up made me realize stuff about myself#i've done lots of therapy with the years but because of the specificities of my trauma and how it is still ongoing#some... guidances didn't exactly help making a sense of how i felt about those things#and to be thinking about why those storylines hit me as they did... made me make sense of my trauma in a way i hadn't managed to#and this is so... special to me....#ever since those stories clicked in my brain i felt a weigh has lifted from my heart. A weigh i carry for almost twenty years#i thought it might just last a moment but even now monthes later i still feel lighter. I feel more at peace than i've ever been.#of course it's still there... but it's like the fog lifted a little and i can breath a little even if i don't see in front of me yet#and the fact now the story focus on ways for them to recover.... it makes me feel safe.#I can never thank a3 enough for all of this..... so let's see how it leads next. I'm just so grateful to have been here for the ride#ichatalks about a3
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