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shaylogic · 9 months

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Queer Experience Watching Barbie - AFAB Masculinity

I started to go into this in tags on another post but I wanted to type this up separately and try to develop my thoughts a little more. . .

Ryan!Ken’s arc in Barbie (2023) has been buzzing in my head for days.

I got fixated on it for a couple of major reasons:

1) We rarely have seen a feminist movie take time to address men with compassion in how patriarchy harms them too.

2) As a trans masc person, I think it hits a specific part of my identity that I don’t consciously let myself think about for too long. Something about being raised in a female world with sisterhood and community. Then being isolated in adult manhood without the tools to prepare you for that. Conscientious of respecting women and being unbothered by feminimity around you, but not knowing your place in the world.

How do I put it?

I know it’s not the direct intention of the film itself, but I’ve seen other trans folks (especially transmasc), reacting similarly to the feeling we get from it.

Ken’s arc feels pretty reminicent of the struggle afab lgbt folks go through when considering masculinity in their identity (butch lesbians, afab nbs, trans men, etc.)

How to make peace with masculine aspects of yourself without losing the women in your life? (One can argue Kate McKinnon’s Weird Barbie has aspects of this as well.)

Of course, then Ken goes off on the adopting patriarchy ride, which IS the point of the movie, and may skew a bit from the transmasc read on it--though I have known a trans guy here and there who avoids being misgendered so hard that they can become somewhat sexist. To which I say: “You don’t need to have a dick to be a man, and you don’t need to BE a dick to be a man.” But I digress.

Something about Ken being comfortable in a woman’s world but not understanding why he’s being shut out from socially bonding with them (in any sense! Romantic, Familial, Platonic Friendship. . .)

The overall theme of the movie for both Barbie and Ken--in an allegory of heavy gender roles harming all--leading them each to have to figure out who they are in themselves, regardless of others. . .

Trans masc folx can relate to both Barbie and Ken’s arcs.

I don’t want to detract from Barbie’s arc being the main point of the movie.

I think the reason why we get hung up on Ryan!Ken’s character is because. . . we’ve related to the Barbie plot in other movies and shows before, thinking back to our “girlhoods” as children.

I have never seen the arc Ken has in this in any other story!!!!

There are some Man Movies that have attempted to discuss the struggle of Being a Man--but they often come off as too dismissive of feminine experiences, and are therefore as offputting to transmasc people as women.

Because of the nature of the two worlds exhibited in this movie, and Ken’s backround in his setting, personality, and purpose in relation to the Barbies, he’s a Man living with Female Socialization, in a Woman’s World; he’s a male character that inherently admires and respects women in his nature (until the real world influence distorts it).

This isn’t a perfect example of a transmasc experience either, but it’s a lot closer than most of us generally get to see! That’s why so many of us are getting caught up in this.

Please, other trans folx (transfems, too!), I really need us to have a discussion about this. What were your experiences and thoughts around this movie?

P.S. Yeah, we kinda get that nonbinary allegory from Allan (not a Ken, not a Barbie, siding with Feminism in the Gender War), but he wasn’t in significant focus of the plot the way Ryan!Ken was. If I try to read into Allan, I don’t have much to work with.

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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WIBTA if I changed my name because people are overusing the nickname privilege?

2 years ago, I (29, transmasculine) changed my name. For the sake of this ask, since I don't want to use my real name, a decent equivalent is James, so I'll be using that instead.

I originally told my mom and my roommate/close friend (Alex, 29, agender) I was okay with the nickname Jamie, but I'd prefer to mostly be called James, especially when it comes to people I don't know well.

I tried to set this boundary because the nickname feels a little feminine, even if it's technically gender neutral. I don't pass very often, so it makes me uncomfortable to think people who don't know me might misunderstand, and think I am simply a woman with a gender neutral nickname. So I envisioned Jamie being reserved for the people closest to me because of that.

Both my mom and Alex opted to call me Jamie immediately. They introduced me to friends, family members, and even strangers as Jamie, put my name in their phone as Jamie. My mom sends me packages addressed to "Jamie [lastname]". Just the other day, Alex's grandma sent us chocolates in the mail and the note inside said "Merry Christmas Alex and Jamie!" and I am not close to her by any means, I am positive Alex must have told her that's my name. Just tons and tons of little things like that.

It took me a while to catch on - at first I thought people simply decided to call me Jamie on their own, or heard Alex or my mom talk to me and figured it was okay. I'm autistic, so it takes a while to figure out the best way to approach a problem involving social skills. I didn't want to immediately jump in and say "hey, don't call me that, you don't know me well enough," because I think that's a bit callous. And I thought I was dealing with just a few acquaintances - not literally everyone Alex or my mom talks to.

I confronted both of them about a year ago, when I finally put it together. They said they're not intentionally disregarding my feelings, but "Jamie suits you so much more" so they forget and it just slips out.

(I could be wrong, but I think this is probably because Jamie can be a girl's name and I still look like a girl. So, yeah, of course they'd feel that way.)

I begged them to stop and call me James if they're talking to people about me. My mom promptly "forgot" again. Alex has gotten better about it, but still slips up. Even if they were perfect, I feel like the damage is done after 2 years of this.

To further complicate things, Alex actively avoids using pronouns to refer to people in speech. They will say things like "I've been told that the flight was canceled" instead of "he said he canceled the flight". This is due to anxiety because they're not great at remembering pronouns & doesn't want to accidentally misgender anyone. So there is a lot of general confusion about my pronouns amongst the groups that are connected to Alex. (I don't really use social media, so informing people of my pronouns is more complicated than just putting them in my bio and calling it a day. I've asked Alex to please just say he/him, but they're so resistant and weird about it because of their irrational fears, which...honestly just feels transphobic now).

Now I've started to ask them to drop the nickname entirely, even privately. Call me James and nothing else forever. Jamie has been thoroughly ruined for me, I just feel nauseous when I see or hear it. But at this point, since I lost my job & most of my social network is through Alex, everyone calls me Jamie, and it's exhausting to correct them over and over when it's such a small, seemingly pedantic thing. I don't mind a little confrontation or advocating for myself, but this...this is beyond what I can handle without getting severely stressed out.

So I've been considering changing my name to something else that doesn't have such a common gender neutral/feminine nickname. Just start over. Reset.

But this would be the third time I've changed my name. The first time was like 6 years ago, and it only lasted a few months before I decided it didn't fit, and went back to using my deadname while I figured myself out. My family remembers this well, and 2 years ago when I told them I go by James now, expressed their frustration because I "keep changing things and it's confusing". I'm worried that if I change my name again, nobody will bother to take it seriously, they'll just assume I'll change it again, so why bother using the correct name at all.

Plus I do see how it could be considered petty or immature. It took years to settle on the name I have now. I put a ton of thought into it. I used to love it. I might be TA for letting something as unimportant as an overused nickname sway me to the point where I feel like I need to throw the whole name away.

I mean, I understand why younger trans people might do that, since they have less of their life established and are figuring out who they are, but I'm nearly 30, so I feel like I am getting too old for this. It's just tiring.

Idk, I probably won't make any decisions based on the results of this, but the feedback would be helpful to consider. WIBTA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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starlightrosari · 6 months

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Gender struggles from childhood to now (22)

I don’t look like the other girls

I don’t get along with other girls

I get along better with boys

I want to be one of the guys

I wish I looked more like a boy

I don’t feel I belong in women’s spaces

I feel uncomfortable with female gender expectations and experiences

I feel jealous of how my friends who are boys are developing into their bodies

I feel uncomfortable with my genitalia

I feel uncomfortable with my body

I want to look more androgynous

I hate my body

I don’t mind my name, but it feels too feminine. It’s okay on other people, but I’d prefer a nickname for myself

The first nickname was cool, but still felt too feminine. This new nickname sounds really androgynous though, it feels good being called it

I feel like a tomboy

Am I transgender?

Do I have internalized misogyny from having mostly male friends?

I wish I could get along with women so I was treated equally

I just feel small and infantilized, I have to dress more mature and womanly and then I’ll love my body

I’m depressed and dissociated from myself because of people pleasing and trying to fit in with heteronormative people

Who am I?

I’m just a lesbian having a hard time with my sexuality, that’s why I have these body issues and gender issues. And I just don’t know who I am because of depression and trauma

I stopped being called my birth name entirely. I guess family can still call me it even if it feels weird, but it feels good being called “Ari” at my college and by my friends

I stopped people pleasing

I feel better now that I’m dressing masculine

I feel better now that I’m not being called pretty all the time

Maybe I actually am trans?

I kind of like they/them pronouns

Maybe not, I’m okay with my body now and people think nonbinary isn’t real. This is too complicated

I still feel uncomfortable calling myself or being called a woman though

I don’t want to base my identity off the misogyny I deal with anymore, I feel most comfortable calling myself nonbinary for now, and it’s okay if it’s a phase, I just need to explore how I’m feeling

I don’t like using she/her pronouns

I’m terrified to come out to people, maybe I should just tell them I use she/they pronouns so it’s not as big of a deal

I came out to people, but now I feel like I shouldn’t have given them “she” as an option at all

I still wish I were more like a boy, but I don’t think I have gender dysphoria

I’m so envious of my favorite fictional boy characters, I want to cry, I’m nothing like them

I wish when I were out at night I didn’t look like such a girl. I want to look like the beautiful men and androgynous people I see. I want to cry, I hate my body sometimes

Actually I do have gender dysphoria and always have

I wish I were able to be androgynous in the way men can be

I feel uncomfortable being viewed as the feminine bodied person in a relationship. In fantasies I’m always masculine

I feel dysphoric every time I lump myself as sapphic, but maybe it’s just internalized lesbophobia?

No, I prefer calling myself queer. Just because identifying as lesbian stopped me from being cis/heteronormative and was an important part of finding my true self, doesn’t mean I have to keep identifying as it. Still don’t know if I’m attracted to men though

Actually I was attracted to men all along, I just wished I were viewed by strangers as an mlm couple and hated the idea of being viewed as a straight relationship. It was easy to mistake as being lesbian because it at least felt better being seen as a queer woman than a straight girl, so I avoided that possibility altogether by refusing that I was attracted to men because it felt too dysphoric to imagine

I often get really depressed being misgendered, and I feel really detached from myself most days. I don’t want to keep feeling this way

I definitely don’t feel good being called feminine terms or dressing feminine, trying to be more of a girl didn’t make me feel better about myself, I’m absolutely trans and don’t have to doubt myself anymore

I don’t feel dysphoric calling myself nonbinary and neutral language, but I don’t feel euphoric either. How do I identify and what do I do about my dysphoria?

Do I want to transition? It’s so confusing and scary, I wish I were binary trans so I wasn’t so afraid of the irreversible changes

Weighing out changes of the body on T and pros and cons of being off or on T, I’m definitely feeling like some of the changes would make me really euphoric compared to being without it

I actually kind of like calling myself masculine terms. I don’t feel like a man, but maybe I’m a demiboy?

I wanted an androgynous body when I was very young, and I still want one now. I was gaslit by cis people that how I felt about my body was just insecurity, when it was in fact gender dysphoria. I want to transition to a body that feels like me

I like he/him pronouns and feel affirmed being called masculine terms. I’m going to use he/they pronouns and I identify as a nonbinary boy

I’m terrified of having to deal with transmasculine erasure and transphobia coming out, but I can’t keep staying in the closet. It hurts too much. I need to come out

#nonbinary #enby #lgbtq+#trans #transmasc #lgbtq #transgender #genderqueer #lgbtqiia+#queer #demiboy #gender questioning #gay #agender

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ramblesbiab · 4 months

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(so uh. i deleted this earlier cuz i got some negative comments and felt bad but im putting it back up now cuz i like it still.)

Gosh, slowly entering Blue Eye Samurai Tumblr is kinda disappointing with how many people are against headcannoning Mizu's gender. I personally view Mizu as a gal, which seems to be the prevailing opinion often stated with the most contempt for headcannons. But not acknowledging other interpretations goes against the very idea of literature if you ask me. Mizu's story can be viewed in plenty of ways that are all unique and wonderful.

Cis female is often defended as the only identity which properly aligns with the difficulty of fighting societal expectations of gender at the time of this story, but the fact is, any trans perspective would also obviously be against the expectations of 1600's Japan. I say any trans perspective because there's three main ones, from what I've seen at least - Trans Male, Trans Female, and Nonbinary.

I have a lot to say so I'm putting the rest under a read more lol. Also fair warning I'm not actually that good at describing things, but I promise I'm trying my best. :)

(From here on, I'll be switching Mizu's pronouns per section.)

Trans Male

Trans Male is an incredibly evident interpretation. Mizu has a traditionally male name in Japanese culture from what I've learned, binds his chest, presents as male and worries about being seen as female. Yes, there's the counterpoint to this stance of Mizu saying he "had to be a man" for the sake of getting revenge, however, he says this to a man he's taken interest in. A man who, given the society then live in, would likely not understand or agree with the idea that Mizu considers himself a man, let alone like him still.

This is a point where Mizu is, arguably, at his weakest, giving into society for the sake of happiness, which is still powerful from a trans male perspective, of a trans man feeling trapped but desperately clinging to anything that makes life feel okay, even if it involves breaking away from his own comfort.

As a trans woman I can't speak specifically on that, but in the year before I started socially transitioning, I would cling to anything that made me feel happy despite the pain of being seen as a man that came with it. It's valid for a pre- or non-transitioning trans person to sacrifice some gender comfort for other comfort if that's all they can attain for the time being.

Back to Mizu, I don't think it's less powerful for moments of "Mizu is nervous about being found to be a woman" to be turned into "Mizu is feeling pain from being misgendered and wishing he could live truly as himself." It's not an interpretation I personally follow, so I'm certain it could be better articulated by someone else, but it still upsets me that some people try to invalidate it.

Trans Female

So, this is one I haven't seen as often, or at all truthfully, but I found myself relating to Mizu as she effectively has to boymode throughout the story. It recontextualizes Mizu saying she "had to be a man", now being a truthful statement about the desperation to be seen as her real self, and turns her time as a wife into even more of an escape. Further on, it makes Mizu being referred to as a monster more depressing, as it rings true to an unfortunately real part of life, of transphobes feeling a sense of unearned betrayal upon finding out someone they like is trans.

It adds to the relief of Mizu removing her binding and relaxing, and to the pain of Mizu trying to come out to Master Eiji while he denies it. Given the society Mizu lives in, it's such a painful desire to have to want to be a girl - to know your destiny is something that will hurt you. Living as a girl would make her happy, so she doesn't want to be happy. She needs to lie, and escape from desire, so she looks for a way to feel satisfied while repressing her feminine side.

As a trans woman, this sensation is like the struggle accepting one's identity, along with trying to avoid accepting it even once it has become obvious. Being trans is not easy, it never has been, so it's not unrealistic that Mizu would latch onto priorities, or at least what she convinces herself are priorities as a method of escapism.

Honestly, it's not the easiest position to defend, as it's one of the least clear out of the possible Mizu headcannons, but it's still important to me that I pointed it out.

Nonbinary

It's time for my hottest take - Mizu's gender doesn't have to matter in the story. Yes, as many have pointed out, the disparity in social recognition between male and female can be incredibly important in their journey, but it's not required for every single interpretation of Mizu. Mizu wants revenge - they've made it evidently clear that this takes priority over everything else, over friendship, romance, and most likely, gender.

Now, I'm not saying nonbinary as a label is equal to disregarding gender, but in the case of Mizu - whose name means "water", or fluid - I feel it's applicable. I've talked a lot about priorities before as an excuse, but what if they're not? What if Mizu simply doesn't care for gender in any way? They certainly don't agree with social conventions, unless we consider how they see themselves and white men as demons, but that doesn't necessarily relate to gender.

It's hard to find direct examples of Mizu being nonbinary, as they live in an incredibly binary world where they serve as the exception. Mizu sticks out everywhere, too masculine to be a woman and too feminine to be a man, so they rest elsewhere, never seen correctly by another character in the story. Ringo says that it's okay they're a woman, Fowler insults them for it. Taigen and Akemi both have no reason to believe Mizu isn't a man, no matter how they feel about it.

Mizu only needs themself, because only they understands themself. They represent an idea that, in their time, doesn't exist - being neither man or woman - which opens up new ways of interpreting the events which Mizu goes through.

Conclusion, I guess

Which then leads to the point of this post which has gone on longer then I thought. New and unique ways to interpret a story are vital to media and literature as a whole, so why would we stop others from expressing and experiencing that? Unless a take is genuinely harmful or presented as though anyone who doesn't believe it is stupid or viewing the story incorrectly, then please, don't dissuade them - encourage them!

Learn more from others, share ideas and points about this amazing show, analysis and have fun, good-natured debates! That's the moral of this post. Have a nice day, everyone.

#repost #blue eye samurai #mizu blue eye samurai #transgender #trans male #trans female #nonbinary #media #literature #analysis #it has set in that #if I don't like negative comments #then i either have to get used to them #or get of the internet #lol

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northern-passage · 1 year

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god i hope this doesnt sound sexual but does M! Lea have bottom surgery??????

maybe not sexual, but still rude to ask? :(

i debated answering this, but i figured i've gotten a lot of new readers recently and decided to take it as a chance to kinda readdress a few things. no hard feelings towards you anon, i get similar asks occasionally that are far ruder than you and i assume you were asking genuinely.

i've talked a lot about Lea and their various gender identities previously and while i haven't directly answered this question before it's not a secret (and if you're a patron you will have read the snippets and seen the nude art i've drawn of him anyways). Lea has not had bottom surgery, but he has had top surgery. like i said, it's not a secret, so i would feel silly refusing to acknowledge it, but it's also not something i like to address in this way.

my rule is that if you wouldn't ask someone in real life this question, you probably shouldn't ask it about a character. yes, they are fictional, but i've found that, especially online, it tends to set a precedent that leads to people asking more and more rude and intrusive questions, and being trans myself a lot of the time it makes me very uncomfortable and typically leads into harassment. i also don't like answering them because transphobia is real and even though these characters are fictional, i don't want to potentially imply that questions like this are "acceptable" and have people walking around in real life thinking they are entitled to real trans people's privacy. IF really tends to have a problem with entitlement and misgendering and obsessing over trans/nb character's agab and genitals, which is partly why i have the no nsfw rule regarding asks to begin with.

however, to be clear, my issue with this kind of question is not that it is sexual - in fact i dislike treating trans bodies as inherently sexual or as something that is "off-topic" and it frustrates me that i have to take these precautions when discussing my characters. but, again, we live in a world full of transphobia and it makes these conversations challenging at best and dangerous at worst, especially online where everyone gets to be anonymous.

i always intended for my characters to come out in-game, as the player/character gets to know them, in an attempt to avoid that entitlement and to make it more organic (though it hasn't really worked out that way. so it goes) but i've only just recently felt comfortable drawing and writing more explicit work with Clem and Noel, and that's been kind of a big deal for me, hahaha.

so i know going forward people will be curious and this will probably come up again as the game progresses and i write in more explicit scenes, and i just want to make it clear my stance on these kinds of questions and that i tend to either delete them and/or block people that send me transphobic asks or leave similar invasive comments.

#obviously i will not block someone if they ask it like this #i'll just delete it #but like i said. i get far ruder messages lol #this ask came in like a day after i got an ask misgendering merry so #ask #anonymous

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flyin-shark · 10 months

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"Cishet probably". The words of a man who is yet to learn that gender is a circus and clowns can be hot.

Or what I mean is more like.... That's really interesting in a sense, as soneone who is ambiguous/not caring on all levels, I really wanna study the anatomy of the cishet experience. I can't figure it out. Is it like. If you see a person your ability to be attracted to them depends on your current knowledge of their gender? So you could see a person and assume they are a woman, so then you are into them, but then they might turn out not to identify as a woman, and that is a turn-off?

And the other way around, maybe you meet someone and assume they're a guy so it doesn't enter your mind that they could be hot, but then you learn that they are a woman, and then it becomes an option?

I'm really not trying to be offensive so I'm so sorry if I am. I'm just super curious, as a person who was never able to conceptualize gender in myself or others very well. I find attraction complicated as is, and imagining adding the matrix of gender into it is like... Galaxy brain woah h o w ?

Uh. Anyways, good vibes.

(Came to think of it cuz you say you're a top/into bottoms. And like certainly the top/bottom dichotomy transcends gender, but at the same time, I wonder what the "communication" is in there in a cishet context? Does it mean "I don't like getting penetrated by a partner", or is it more about "top energy". And if yes, what is "top energy" in a cishet context?

I really hope I'm not coming across as rude, I'm literally just super curious about people who ID as cishet, so when I run into someone who seems approachable I turn into 12 questions with ....

Also this also is related to the fact that I'm like a dude but in a girl way you feel? Like most people attracted to me are also attached to gnc women, but also if you need to call me 'her' to get off, we probably won't vibe, and as a general rule I do avoid having sex with cishet guys bc if their attraction is somehow contingent on internal misgendering of me, it's awkward. But I'm trying to figure out how that works. )

Sorry I'll stop asking now. I'll get my ND ass under control.

Yes to your first three questions.

So I call myself cishet because first I’m fairly sure that I’m not trans. I feel like a man, whatever that means. I get what I think is a sense of euphoria from doing certain “masculine” things (wearing suits, fixing things, etc.). I don’t like the idea of me wearing a skirt of other typically feminine clothing. I don’t like when people use feminine versions of my name and pronouns that aren’t he/him for me. In all aspects I can think of I’m a man.

As for the hetero part I know I like women. I always have as far as I can remember. I’ve never had attraction to men. Although in the past few years with learning about trans and nb people I’ve had to think more about it. I used to be transphobic in the sense that while I respected pronouns and names I wouldn’t accept that people were their something other than their assigned gender. After learning about the science behind sex and the social dynamics of gender I now fully accept trans and enby peeps. But that means reconsidering what I like about women and don’t like about men.

I’ve seen femboys that I’ve mistaken for women and been attracted to them. After finding out they were boys i was confused but I just wrote it off and didn’t think about it. I saw a lot of enbies that looked more masc or fem and I was attracted to them if I thought they were afab. But then I saw some enbies that were really androgynous and was really confused again. I learned that you can’t tell if someone is a man or woman or other just by looking at them. It’s possible I’m just attracted to femininity and not women specifically. But also women with muscles are hot.

Answering your question about tops and bottoms. After spending time in queer spaces I realized just how boring most cishet relationships are both romantically and sexually. The top, dom, and giver roles, etc are all dumped on the man while the bottom, sub, and receiver roles are all given to the woman. I think most cishets don’t even differentiate between the roles.

My brain still doesn’t comprehend what it’s like to be “a dude in a girl way” or anything similar to that. Like I respect you as a person I just don’t understand how that works. It seems like a contradiction at first but I know boy and girl aren’t opposites.

Sorry for taking so long to respond to this but I wanted to give you some good answers.

#long post #shark sayin stuff #I hope this answers all your questions :3 #dm or ask me if you have more :3

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windwardstar · 8 months

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One of the most painful and terrifying bit of being nonbinary is that to avoid being misgendered (ie only have they/them used, be referred to gender neutrally) i have to out myself. Regardless of if I can pass convincingly as a cis person (pick the lesser of two evils which one hurts less for people to misgender you with), I will always have to out myself as trans to have the correct pronouns used. Even if i achieve my gender fuckery goals of confusing the cis on what to use because they can't easily place me in a single binary box (the closest thing to "passing" that exists for the concept) There is no room for being stealth. The only thing that exists is the painful safety of the closet or visible transness and the danger that comes with it.

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hopefulatrocity · 11 months

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From The Ashes- Chapter 5

Notes: Daryl and Pheonyx finally see each other! They don’t talk yet, not until after Daryl’s POV which is next chapter. I really needed to go in depth with their first sights of each other before moving to their interactions. I’m super excited for Daryl’s POV. There’s lots of denial and internal homophobia but it also will give you an idea of Daryl as a person(At least how I view him as). Also, in regards to Pheonyx’s descriptions of himself and how parts of himself cause him to be misgendered, this is just how it has been for me in the past. Flaired hips and stuff like that are not an indicator for Gender!! But unfortunately things like that are how people “decide” what gender to label people as usually. It’s in now way right, but it’s how I as a trans person have to look at myself in order to try to be properly gendered with strangers.

Taglist: @yoongibaybee

Dividers by: @firefly-graphics and @omiyours

Banner by: @liminal-creations

Chapter CW/TW: PTSD, anxiety, self-doubt, internal transphobia, mentions of past abuse/trauma, internal homophobia/biphobia

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The night was long and Pheonyx was tired. He barely slept most nights anyways, but the stress was what was draining him the most. That and the 2 units of blood he donated the day before. He was worried about Carl. Although the boy was doing better since his surgery, the risk of infection and complications were still prevalent. Especially considering there was no access to modern medical amenities. He was worried about the Shadows reaching the farm. With the weakness from donating so much blood and the constant anxiety coursing through his veins, going out to clear the woods and traps would have been suicide. He was worried about all the new people coming to the farm. The four men already set him on edge. Lori wasn’t a problem. Women rarely made his fight-or-flight response trigger. Outwardly, the men seemed nice, especially Rick and Glenn, but that didn’t mean anything. The darkest demons always had the bright faces of angels. The one who really worried him was Shane. After informing him of Carl’s successful surgery, Rick had given him the condensed version of what happened at the FEMA center when he walked in the house at sunrise. He said Otis told Shane to run, that he would provide cover, but the shadows had gotten him. Pheonyx knew it was a crock of shit though. Otis was definitely the type to sacrifice himself to save a boy’s life, but Shane came back with Otis’s gun, he had seen it laid on the counter in the house. How did the older man lay cover fire without his weapon? Shane was lying about something. Pheonyx kept his theories to himself, though. He knew if he told Hershel, his stepfather would insist on kicking all the new people out. Despite his anxiety with the strangers, his conscience couldn’t handle being the catalyst to throw out a group of people into the world as it was. It would be a death sentence.

He was worried about the little girl that was missing. Those woods were his home and he knew them better than anyone else in the family. Which means he knew how dangerous they could be. A scared little girl running around with no known survival experience? With shadows wandering around waiting to eat any living thing that crosses their path? Her likelihood of survival was small. If he hadn’t needed to stick around to provide blood for Carl, he would have spent the night searching for her. He wanted to leave at first light, but Rick insisted he wait until the rest of the group got to the farm. Apparently they had a proficient tracker in their group, and the sheriff wanted both of them–and Kismet– to lead the search for the girl. It made sense but that didn’t keep Pheonyx’s skin from itching with the need to leave before more bodies invaded the farm.

His issues with strangers stemmed from many different things. When he was younger, after his mother had removed him from his abusive father’s clutches, he avoided new people like the plague. How could he trust anyone when the person he was supposed to trust most in the world had torn his body and mind apart? It took years for him to open up to anyone outside his family. All the progress he made, in regards to his fear of strangers, was destroyed when he turned 22 and ended up in the hospital, clinging to life and broken inside. 6 years later, even after leaving Georgia and seeking counseling, he hadn’t shaken the fear that coursed through his veins when he had to interact with new people. It wasn’t social anxiety. It was fear of being hurt. Fear of being outed. Fear of someone finding out he was trans and hurting him again. Fear of the invisible dirt that still clung to his skin sometimes. Fear of being used and being helpless. Fear of being destroyed. The world falling apart didn’t help matters. He was even more fearful of other survivors. The will to survive was a powerful motivator and good people rarely made it out on top. People who were willing to destroy, pillage, and hurt were the ones who lived.

Despite his fear, Pheonyx was currently leaning on the railing of the front porch as he waited for the other members of the group to arrive. His eyes were focused on the dirt road that led to the house. Sweat was already forming on his brow, a sign that the day was going to be sweltering. Pheonyx opted to dress coolly, a simple pair of men’s jeans–that were frayed and dirty at the knees from his frequent hunting trips– and a gray tank top. The tank top was for comfort but also to make himself look more masculine to the newcomers. Being misgendered was a huge fear of his. This was rural Georgia, the reactions of people figuring out his gender could be violent. So, he wanted to appear as “manly” as he could. Pheonyx was lean and he couldn’t help the flair of his hips that was often deemed “feminine”. The softness to his jaw and the roundness of his backside were also causes of his being misgendered. But the tank top allowed his muscled arms–covered in intricate art– to be exposed. Farm work and bow-hunting had shaped his tanned biceps perfectly. They weren’t massive but watching the muscles flex and the tattoos on his arm move was very affirming. The flatness of his chest also helped his gender euphoria. He needed the edge of that euphoria to get through this meeting. Along with the masculine clothing, he adorned himself with his weapons. He had his bow and quiver slung across his shoulder. The heavy weight of the cutlass and Glock on his hips provided him a small amount of comfort in the moment. He also had a hunting knife sheathed next to the gun.

Pheonyx wasn’t the only one waiting for the others. While Rick, Lori, and Hershel were inside with Carl, everyone else was outside in the front yard. Glenn and T-Dog were conversing quietly but everyone from the Greene farm was quiet. Most were still in shock over the loss of Otis. He did catch Maggie sending careful glances over to the young Asian man and had to stop himself from smiling a bit. Unlike Shawn, Pheonyx wasn’t the overprotective big brother. He encouraged his sister to date and form connections. Which was slightly hypocritical considering he avoided dating and relationships like the plague. He lied to Maggie about going on dates. He didn’t want her to worry about him, but the pain from 6 years ago still had a deep grip on his heart. And he couldn’t bring himself to trust anyone. He had hookups, only with women, never cis men. But even those were few and far between. Love was something Pheonyx wanted, but the initial hurdle of letting someone behind his barriers was the problem.

Kismet–who had been snoring on the porch next to Pheonyx– was the first to hear the caravan of vehicles. Ears perked, he leapt to his feet and his tail began to wag. Despite the plethora of scars from abuse on his speckled body, the pup loved people. Training him to guard had been a bitch. Anytime Pheonyx had Jimmy attempt to attack him, Kismet had jumped into the fray, thinking it was a cuddle game. Eventually the training had set in, but the dog was still entirely too trusting. While he was happy his dog had recovered from the mental scars he’d endured as a puppy, Pheonyx still worried that his love for people might get him hurt one day. He realized he was projecting his own anxieties on the dog but he couldn’t help but worry.

The loud rumble of a motorcycle drowned out the noise of the other vehicles, a large RV and a silver sedan. T-Dog made his way inside to let Rick, Lori, and Hershel know that the rest of the group had arrived. Pheonyx straightened, body tensing, as he watched the vehicles approach. His eyes were drawn to the motorcycle leading the group through the gates near the house. Even at that distance, his green eyes connected with ones the color of the Georgia sky.

The vehicles all parked and the man on the motorcycle stopped closest to the house. Pheonyx nearly tripped coming down the porch steps as he got a good look at the rider dismounting the bike. The man looked like he hadn’t showered in awhile and his gaze had a hard edge to it, but he was still the hottest man Pheonyx had ever seen. He was definitely older than Pheonyx’s 28yrs, with a few crinkles at the corners of his eyes. Short brown hair, perfectly tousled, surrounded a sharp face. Light stubble lined his jaw and his goatee framed soft-looking, pink lips. There were a few gray hairs speckled through the facial hair. A small mole at the corner of his upper lips stood out from the light hair surrounding it. Dragging his gaze from the man’s face, his eyes settled on the man’s arms. The sleeves of his plaid shirt had been ripped off, and Pheonyx wanted to thank whatever god there was for that. It should be a sin to cover up arms that look that good. Dirt and sweat helped highlight every ridge and bulge of the firm muscles. They weren’t the kind of muscles that one gained by lifting weights for hours in a gym, these had been formed by hard work and real life strain. The man’s clothes weren’t form-fitting but Pheonyx could still see he was toned all over. Before that moment, Pheonyx had questioned if he was really bisexual. He wondered if his attraction to men was more jealousy, wanting to be them, as opposed to wanting them romantically or sexually. This man answered that question. He was definitely attracted to men. This man in particular. The man grabbed a crossbow from the back of his motorcycle and held it in his rough-looking hands. Masculine energy absolutely poured off of him and Pheonyx wanted to be on the receiving end of that energy. He wanted the man to press him up against–

Pheonyx nearly jumped out of his skin when Maggie touched his shoulder. She had moved to his side at some point. “I think I found your dark, mysterious archer.”, she whispered in her brother’s ear with a small smile. “Close your mouth, Nyx. You’re practically drooling.”

Pheonyx shut his mouth, his face turning a bright red, and used the back of his hand to check that he didn’t actually have any drool on his face. The man’s eyes had drifted from his when he was dismounting the bike, but they met his again. Pheonyx’s heart, that had been racing from anxiety about the new people, was now racing for a different reason. Heat flushed his whole body and a light throbbing began between his legs. Shame filled his heart and he averted his own eyes from the blue ones that captivated him.

What am I thinking? There’s a little girl missing, Otis is dead, and there are dead people walking around. Now is not the time to be lusting after a guy who is most likely straight, Pheonyx thought. A darker voice, one that he always dreaded hearing, pushed to the forefront of his mind. Even if he wasn’t, why would he want to be with someone like you? You’re just pretending to be a man, just like those demons said–

The dark memories tried to push their way into his head, but he pushed them to the back of his mind. He was drawn from his thoughts when Kismet whined at his side, the dog was practically crawling out of his skin with need to go meet the new people. Pheonyx snapped his fingers to make the dog sit. He wasn’t sure if the people would want a 70lb dog rubbing all over them first thing. Besides the incredibly hot man, there was an older man adorned in a Hawaiian shirt and a bucket fishing hat, a woman with short gray hair, and a younger woman with longer blonde hair. The older man radiated energy that reminded Pheonyx of his Grandpops. That man didn’t have a mean bone in his body and his soul was much too good for the world. The woman with the short gray hair held her arms around her body, as if holding herself together, and he guessed this was the missing girl’s mother. Her eyes glinted with sadness but she held her head high. The younger blonde woman was a bit harder to read but she held her back rigid, trying to appear taller than she was. Pheonyx knew that she was avoiding some kind of pain, putting up a facade of strength.

Lori and Rick came out of the house, Hershel and T-Dog following behind them. The parents were much more relaxed today, and the color had returned to both of their faces. Although, Rick was still a bit pale from donating blood. Approaching the couple first, the man in the fishing hat had a look of concern on his face.

“How is he?”, he addressed Rick.

“He’ll pull through.” Lori smiled lightly and her arm brushed her husband’s, “Thanks to Hershel and his people.”, she looked at each of the Greene family, her eyes stopping on Pheonyx’s form. Gratitude poured from her hazel orbs.

“And Shane”, Rick cut in. “We’d have lost Carl if not for him.”

Everyone looked at the man hanging in the back. His black curls were gone now, shaved to the scalp after he returned with the supplies for Carl. Clothes much too big for his frame hung from him like a blanket. Patricia had obviously loaned some of Otis’s clothes to him, and a roll of anger filled Pheonyx’s stomach. Everyone sent nods and looks of appreciation to the man. Everyone except Pheonyx, of course. He knew the truth. Or suspected it, at least.

“We owe a lot to Pheonyx too. He donated blood. Gave Carl time until Shane could get back with the supplies.”, Rick continued and looked at him. Just like his wife, the sheriff’s eyes leaked waves of thanks.

All eyes turned to Pheonyx, including a pair of icy blue ones, and he had to stop from physically recoiling. He kept his eyes downcast and busied himself with scratching Kismet’s head. The dog was still shaking with excitement and appreciated the touch. Maggie reached out and placed a comforting hand on his back, noticing her brother’s anxiety.

From there, hugs of relief were exchanged in the group. Pheonyx released Kismet from his sit command and warned him not to jump on people. The pup went up to each of the new people, butting their legs with his blocky head in greeting. Smiles lit up dirty faces and Pheonyx felt a sense of pride, knowing that his dog could bring a bit of happiness to people who were experiencing a plethora of hardship. Kismet’s wiggly body went from the young blonde woman, to the woman with short gray hair, to the man in the fishing hat. Each one of them gave him a head scratch and body pat. Lastly, the dog ended up in front of the man with the crossbow. Pheonyx tensed a bit. Yes, the man was incredibly hot. But he also was very gruff and had a hard edge to his energy. Pheonyx didn’t want him to be angered by a rambunctious dog. But his worry was for naught. The man wasn’t as open with his affection for the dog, but there was a whisper of a smile at the edges of his lips. He dropped one of his hands from his crossbow and let Kismet sniff the dirty digits. Taking it as an open invitation, the pup rubbed his head against the man’s large hand. Thick fingers deftly scratched behind his soft, floppy ears and a look of bliss filled Kismet’s chocolate brown eyes. Pheonyx couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous at the attention Kismet was getting from the man. He would kill to have those calloused fingers scratching behind his own ear.

“We’re about to have the service for Otis. If your people would like to attend, they’re welcome to.”, Hershel said to everyone before leading Beth, Jimmy, Patricia, and Maggie towards the copse of trees where they decided to place a marker for the deceased man. With the FEMA center being overrun, there was no chance of getting Otis's body back for a burial. So early that morning, Jimmy and Glenn had started a large rock pile as a memorial for the man who gave his life to save Carl’s.

Everyone gathered around the tribute. Choosing to stand a few feet away from the service, Pheonyx quietly told Kismet to sit and placed his hand on the dog’s head, more for his comfort than Kismet’s. The only sounds around them were the sniffling from Beth and Patricia, and the whistling of the trees as a light breeze blew through the farm.

Hershel pulled out his bible, the one his father had handed down to him, and began to recite some verses. Each person, even those from Rick’s group, took turns placing rocks onto Otis’s memorial. Pheonyx tuned it all out, choosing to stare out into the field, watching the tree line to make sure none of the dead snuck up on them. He was only brought back to reality when Hershel asked Shane to share Otis’s last moments. The man protested, panic filling his brown eyes. But Patricia pleaded with him, wanting him to reassure her that Otis’s death had meaning. Pheonyx had to hand it to the man, he did have a way with words. His voice was very reminiscent of a football coach, giving an inspirational speech before a homecoming game. Pheonyx knew he was lying though. He was too detailed. Focusing on small details too much. People who go through extreme trauma like that don’t remember the small details. He sounded like he was reading from a newspaper article. Feeling his anger rise, Pheonyx sneered and turned his head so no one could see his reaction.

Carl and Sophia, think of them. Pheonyx thought and took a deep breath. If Hershel finds out Shane is lying, he will throw the group off the farm.

The only thing he was grateful for was that Patricia was placated by Shane’s words. She was wiping her tears and smiling as Shane placed a rock on top of the pile. Hershel had everyone bow their head in a brief moment of silence for the deceased man. With everyone’s eyes averted, Pheonyx took that moment to step forward and grab a rock from the wheelbarrow. The dirt from it smeared on his hand. The weight of the rock symbolic of his grief, Pheonyx placed the stone on top of the memorial. Those few seconds were all he allowed himself to feel the pain from losing Otis. He didn’t have enough room in his heart for more and a sense of foreboding told him that this was only the first of a long line of deaths yet to come.

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#daryl dixon #Daryl DIxon fic #daryl dixon fanfiction #daryl x oc #daryl dixon x oc #twd fanfiction #twd daryl #daryl dixon x trans!reader #daryl dixon x male oc #daryl dixon x omc #daryl dixon x ftm OC #daryl dixon x trans!OC #daryl x ftm oc #daryl x omc #daryl x male OC

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dakotadawn · 2 years

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Hello! My name is Dakota Dawn, here's some info about me!

About me:

🌸 I am a transwoman, if that fact alone makes you uncomfortable then do not follow or interact.

🌸 I consider myself gay, same-sex attracted, I consider sexual orientation to be based upon sex and not gender identity. Don't like, don't follow.

🌸 I am autistic (diagnosed).

🌸 I consider myself a radfem/radfem ally. Don't like, don't follow.

🌸 As of 8/16/2022, this post has been amended to include a link to me and @truffette's Discord server! Join if you want to debate controversial LGBT+ topics, or just hang out! (Do not join if you are not LGBT)

My beliefs:

I'm new to much of this so my beliefs may be lacking or poorly formed. I am anti-porn, anti-sex work, kink-critical, anti-BDSM, if you don't like these beliefs, then don't follow me. I believe that sex positivity and sexual liberation is, intentionally or no, a men's rights movement. I believe that liberal feminism can hardly be described as feminism.

Some would say my beliefs align gender-critical, although I do not identify myself that way. I believe that sex-based oppression exists and that I do not experience it, but that as a transsexual I experience oppression and hardships that other males do not face. I believe that societal transphobia, as well as homophobia, originate in patriarchy and misogyny, feel free to inquire further and I will elaborate on this belief.

My understanding of transsexuality as a phenomenon is that, well, I don't think we really know *why* it happens, but my understanding is that, for some of us, dysphoria about your sexed body exists independently of gender roles or stereotypes. I've seen some unremarkably masculine males become transwomen and some unremarkably feminine females become transmen, so they didn't transition to avoid being GNC. For a fact I consider myself androgynous in a lot of ways, and transitioning truly is just out of discomfort with my body being male. Where this dysphoria originated, I do not know. Maybe some crossed wires in the brain? I'm not one to buy into the whole "male brain/female brain" thing because I don't believe in innate gender, but sex dysphoria could potentially be the result of some neurodevelopmental errors in body perception. IDK, just a thought.

I am a trans person myself as I have previously mentioned, I support the bodily autonomy of trans people to pursue hormone therapy and surgeries, but I am critical of transgender activist ideology. I believe we trans people deserve respect and dignity, but that it cannot come at the cost of others. Transsexual males (transwomen) should not refer to themselves as lesbians, and transsexual females (transmen) should not refer to themselves as gay men, validation of these identities has given rise to new-age homophobia. If you're a heterosexual trans person that identifies as gay, you may still interact with my posts, just be forewarned that these are my beliefs.

I will refer to someone with whatever pronouns they like (although I have a tendency to misgender misogynistic males sooo I make no promises 🤷‍♀️) but I frankly do not believe in the concept of gender identity. I am sex dysphoric, but I do not believe I "identify as a woman", as I do not believe womanhood is a feeling. When it comes to material class analysis, internal identity must take a backseat. I do, however, believe that materially transitioning puts you in a new position in society and this must be acknowledged. I believe acknowledging trans peoples' positions in society must also be with regards to material social status, and not to unfalsifiable internal identity. Basically, I assume these beliefs will piss gendies off.

Feel free to inquire further about my beliefs. Another post explaining some of my beliefs can be found here!

#feminism #radical feminism #radfem #trans #transsexual #mtf #gay #lgbt #discourse blog

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tobi-smp · 2 years

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I’m gonna be honest, it annoys me that they/them has become The Third/Nonbinary Pronouns exclusively in the wider queer community, for two main reasons.

1: this is another instance of people creating a third gender box that they stick people in and create expectations for Instead Of doing away with the boxes entirely. and this has manifested Both in the rejection of neopronouns (because why would anyone Need to make new pronouns when we already have the Designated Nonbinary Pronouns), And in people treating nonbinary people who use he/him or she/her or any combination that includes other pronouns like they’re using the Wrong ones.

pronouns are a form of presentation, and people have found a way to Create an expected presentation for nonbinary people and tighten that collar around anyone who doesn’t fit that image they’ve created.

2: using they/them pronouns to Avoid misgendering strangers has almost completely fallen out of favor because it’s Become a gendered term. for Years the main idea that was hammered home was To Not Assume Based On Appearances in person, and lack thereof in online spaces. they/them pronouns Are Neutral, and while that means that they’re appealing to many nonbinary people for Obvious Reasons, it Also means that it works to Deliberately avoid assuming the genders of strangers.

as best as I can tell what happened was that This sentiment “sometimes family members will use they/them pronouns as either a stepping stone between a binary person’s dead pronouns and their preferred pronouns, or will be used specifically to avoid using a binary trans person’s pronouns without Technically misgendering them. which causes obvious frustration, especially because this is a behavior that’s very difficult to call out as malicious.”

somehow Warped into “using they/them pronouns for a binary trans person is always deliberate misgendering, no matter the context, because those are the nonbinary pronouns.”

which, in a general sense that Strips nuance away from the situation, Ignoring that it’s not only not always done maliciously, but sometimes done out of Courtesy or just genuine ignorance. boundaries are important, but reacting by lashing out because you’ve decided that infraction Must be inherently malicious and wilful works to make these spaces more Hostile than they need to be.

but in a more Personal sense, it’s something that frustrates me because of literally years of rewiring the way my brain thinks about other people. I have Conditioned myself to default to they/them for literally everyone so I Don’t make assumptions based on appearances or internalized biases. I’ll switch between someone’s chosen pronouns and they/them In The Same Sentence regardless of trans status and regardless of how well I know them. my friends, my family, celebrities, fictional characters, strangers, Myself. all the time, constantly.

which Doesn’t particularly mix well with the assertion that using they/them for anyone who isn’t nonbinary is intentional misgendering. which is a problem that I’ve encountered in more than just theory.

like, I don’t begrudge anybody whose Uncomfortable with it. everything’s a case by case basis, and if I talked to someone who didn’t Want to have they/them pronouns used for them then I wouldn’t. but in terms of how the broader community Conceptualizes they/them pronouns and the Implications that they come with (or don’t come with) needs to change, or at least loosen up.

#discourse #nonbinary #I don't know why I'm saying this now #at 11 pm or on this blog #but bone app the teeth

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katewalker · 9 months

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Hello! I'm sorry to bother you, but since I'm not an experienced gamer myself, I'd like to ask. What exactly is wrong with DBH, in your opinion? I didn't like it either, but can't really distinguish a problem.

Hi! No bother at all, sorry to have taken so long, I've been deep into another game since last week and forgot to answer your ask...

So it's not necessarily a DBH problem, but a David Cage problem (the founder of Quantic Dream, his game dev studio). He wrote and directed every single game released by his studio and that's exactly where my problem is. This guy have an ego the size of the universe and both the mediocrity and bigotry to match it. He's just a pathetic, idiotic man-child so full of himself and it shows in his stories and the development of his games (for one of the worst example you can look up Elliot Page's experience with him during Beyond Two Souls <- warning for use of deadname and misgender, this article dates from 2015, before Elliot Page's public coming out as a trans nb person).

Cage loves to think he's a genius and subversive writer and proudly proclaims so, the specialised media are eating this shit all up not even trying to analyse the numerous problems of his writing past mundane plot holes (it's especially true with most french media even mainstream, because their interest is born out of a very misplaced national pride since QD is known worldwide) or mention the mess that are the horrible work conditions at the studio btw (you can also check that up, some articles have an English translation).

First, all of his games have a problem with women characters, they all reek of sexism (he was heard saying that "in [his] games all women are whores", charming) and they all try to have a theme that is only touch with a ten foot pole and leave it at that.

For DBH, that theme is racial injustice but with robots for what I've read (haven't played or watched a LP for this one, I suffered enough. To anyone reading this, if you ever wondered "Do robots have feelings? Do robots are humans too?", they do and please go play the Syberia games, because it's Sokal who handled it best) ;

For Beyond (watched a LP), it's trauma ;

For Heavy Rain (watched a LP), it's death/mourning ;

For Indigo Prophecy (played), it's paranormal for lack of a real theme lmao, I refuse to consider mental health to be it, this game is awful and not just the story. For the laugh, Cage said in the director's commentary (egotrip dude thinks he's a movie director) of IP that people don't finish games so why bother be consistent and he proceeded to do whatever the hell he wanted instead.

All of these themes are handled so badly by Cage, the plots lose credibility real quick and as I said are full of holes or disappointing twist you can't avoid. Cage thinks his games are revolutionnary when having the illusion of choice has never applied more to games than the QD ones and I'll be nice by not mentionning the gameplay of the earlier titles.

Honestly, I just have pure hatred for this man and I hope the workers there who are victims of psychological abuse get the chance to leave and that the impended tribunal decisions will condemn the studio and its two main execs and I want QD to tank for good. There’s a reason the studio lost the Star Wars game they were supposed to make after the announcement backlash.

#answers #greyaged #he's just an awful guy who created an awful studio and i'm tired of watching him getting away with it mainly bc of dbh #bc “uwu my white android baby boy did nothing wrong”#it's so unfair of all the french game studios the most well known and successful are QD and Ubisoft like what a fucking failure #and like i mention syb but i'm soooo mad at its studio as well bc they don't deserve sokal's ip

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cometcon · 1 month

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There's a story I've been working on for a while now that has been morphing and changing the whole time into something better the more I work at it and challenge my brain to put more effort in and think outside the box. The result has been both a realization that I am in fact nonbinary myself, followed by a genuinely accidental trans allegory in how the already pansexual nonbinary main character has started experiencing the plot and the world around them the more I write this thing that was originally not about that at all it just lined up perfectly for it (not revealing too much right now because I want to finish it before I talk about it in detail so I don't tangle myself up in people's opinions when I'm just trying to get my perfectionist brain to get something on the page). It just happened as a side effect of the actual focus of the story and I am experiencing some catharsis from the writing of it so that's been really helpful.

I'm doing my best not to think I'm incapable of internalizing stereotypes of the trans experience in fiction so I've been doing check ins with what people have advised when writing non-binary characters and trying to avoid pitfalls and I'm doing ok so far I think (possibly due to wishing people wouldn't assume things of me/would treat me so casually instead of me having to correct them all of the time). Pretty much everyone in their current life that we see the most of is supportive or at the very least puts the effort in to support on the outside while working to match that on the inside. They're not in the middle of transitioning they've already been living as their authentic self for years by the time we meet them, they're happy with themself and them being nonbinary isn't really much of a big deal until the plot kicks in and it becomes a natural side effect of the situation (again, accident, but I'm running with it now and only bringing it up wherever this character naturally would feel the effects of the situation clashing with their own identity around gender specifically).

Part of the story involves occasional flashbacks into their past though, and while their present life involves happiness and acceptance, they come from a poorer background with a queerphobic biological father.

I was adopted by what would probably have been called a lower middle class family back in the 90s before capitalism really started kicking more and more peoples' arses, and I'm from Australia, while my character is American. I also haven't experienced really shitty queerphobic parents as a kid because I didn't know there were anything other than the binary genders as a kid and by the time I came out, my only-subtly queerphobic parents had already started on the journey of being immersed in more public societal changes around queer visibility and acceptance. They kind of sucked when I first told them, but more in the "this is a weird phase and we don't want to just immediately play along/my Dad made 'it' jokes for a year or so before eventually improving and my Mum still misgenders me during in-person social situations even when I'm literally correcting her during the conversation and she seems to be deliberately ignoring me because she can't handle doing both things or feels weird gendering me correctly in public or something" kind of way, not the "you're homeless now because we loathe your existence and control your living space, and you're also lucky we didn't beat you half to death first on your way out because we're that insecure about our own place in the world and you bringing this up shakes every rule we've ever believed in to the point of enraged intolerant lashing out in response" kind of way. I also grew up an only child.

But my main character had a shitty dad in their past who did the latter queerphobic response, as well as a supportive cis gay brother who stands up for them and gets thrown out too and then raises them for a few years before joining the army in the hope of funding a better life for both of them and putting MC through college. This background is important for later in the story where their personal experiences inform how they interact with and understand the longterm main topic I was intentionally tackling with this fic in the broad scheme of the overarching full story.

My question to American nonbinary or even any kind of trans American person in general is this:

If you have experienced the full raging violent immediately disowned and thrown into the street kind of response from shitty parents discovering who you truly are, how would you want to see that handled? I don't want to shy away from realities and I want a balance between a harder background vs a supportive older brother plus genuinely great present day found family to explore a spectrum of experiences*, but I do not want to end up writing trauma porn either. I also don't want to fall into any writing-American-poverty-as-a-still-somewhat-privileged-Australian pitfalls so if you can voice any opinions about how you feel all of these things I'm asking about tend to be handled in fiction and what kinds of things you'd prefer to see instead, I'd appreciate it.

*(It'll also help move the character away from me so I'm not accidentally writing a self-insert because I really like writing original characters as their own people and while I am using this to explore my own gender identity now, I want them to stay their own person and challenge myself to be able to drive a character around without leaving behind too much Me Residue lol. That said I have thrown myself so many curveballs with this fic becaus I keep asking questions and the answers get more complicated but then the story gets richer and more interesting to me so I keep digging and fleshing out the characters further and further trying to make them actual people)

#queer #queer community #queer people in fiction #writing #writing advice #nonbinary #pansexual #trans #transformers #maccadam

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genderkoolaid · 2 years

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Are we sharing examples or transandrophobia? I want to share especially as an autistic trans man and how that intersect. Tw for like mentions of r@pe but no detail. These specific incidents actually run through my mind almost constantly. I came out for the FIRST time when I was 16: -people refused to use the name I had chosen despite me pointing out that's stupid because out cis male friend had changed his name just because he didn't like it and all I was doing was dropping one letter

-my best friend told me that if I slept with a girl who thought I was a "real" man and after she found out I was trans I would have been a rapist for consensually going down on a girl who "thought I was a real man"

-I had a random girl in my class "ask if my ex bf knew I really had a dick" when I said I was trans

-my parents said "no matter what, you'll always be our little girl"

So, I went back into the closet for the most part. I went by She/They and was always like "im not a girl" but people pretty much brushed me off and I didn't pursue transition bc I was afraid of how people would treat me. I came out AGAIN at 21, this time really putting my foot down that I AM MALE.

-My aunt started to refer to my info dumping as "mansplaining" so I stopped sharing my interests with her

-People began to actively misgender me, whereas before some people would at least try to use they as well as she, I only get called she now and never they

-I started to get harassed in public for holding my partner's hand even tho we're both trans

-People really go out of their way to gender me now. "When I was a girl" nobody ever ma'amed me. NEVER, ever.

-People like to assume I'm mentally ill for being trans or that someone must have pushed me to be trans. Their pea brains implode when I say actually I really struggled to come out in the face of everyone telling me not to and I'm trans because I realized I'd die from trying to harm myself if I didn't accept who I already am

-I got sent a lot of death threats and rape threats. A lot. Mostly online, of course, but it really took me aback the negative reaction I had from the WLW spaces I was in when I said I was leaving because, well, I'm not a woman. Crypto terfs, man.

-My uncle said to me, and I quote "Keep this trans shit away from your grandmother, she has enough to deal with" I asked him what he expected me to do when I grew facial hair and muscles and lost my tits. He didn't answer, he probably didn't care.

-My aunt, who claimed to be the most accepting, still misgenders me and acts personally offended when I tell her she's not progressive for doing the bare minimum to show me respect, and not even consistently.

-My aunt ALSO told me I was the reason SHE wasnt getting HRT for her early menopause because "T is gonna make you angry and I don't want to be around that" (T made me calmer and less likely to EXPRESS my anger, actually. I have to find different ways to let it out now bc I kinda just CANT feel angry or sad the same way anymore)

-None of my family has called me to ask me how I'm doing since i came out. They all kinda avoid talking to me, but won't say it, I've noticed though.

-My partner's mom told me she wanted me to go to therapy. I said I'd go for my PTSD as it was causing problems between her and I, she said "No, I want you to go for 'this'" Meaning, she wanted me to go to therapy for being trans. My partner got upset at this and said that absolutely would not be happening because being trans isnt a mental illness

-cis people look at me in TERROR when they misgender me, like they're waiting for me to freak out at them or physically assault them. It actually really hurts my feelings tbh, out of everything those moments sting the most. People I don't even know very well assuming the worst of me for being trans.

Idk just the pure hatred people have towards transmascs and then for people withing our own communities to act like these things don't happen on the daily and don't drive us to have among the highest suicide rates out of any other demographic... It hurts. It really hurts, I want to cry over it and then still this little voice in my head, the voice THEY put there, says to me "Boys don't cry. if you show the slightest sign that these things hurt you, they won't take you seriously"

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

#m.#ask box #experiences with transandrophobia #rape tw

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