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#i miss her

I heard your voice for the first time in a long time on someone else’s Instagram story. I replayed it a few times. I hate to admit that to anyone. I wanted to text you and tell you: “I miss you don’t you miss me?”

But we both know the answer to that. And I’ll keep playing the story until it disappears just like your love for me did

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an anon for me? blessed on this friday morn.

my fav flower is the orchid (if that wasn’t already obvious) I’ve always been more inclined to like the kinda weird funky looking flowers/plants for whatever reason (and this applies to most things. actually) roses and the overly floral smelling flora don’t really do it for me? idk

I’ve always loved pansies too. I think a lot of my fav flowers end up just being the ones I remember seeing a lot from my childhood. my mum always had pansies in the garden. and she loves orchids. so her mum would typically get her one almost every year? she’s not around anymore to do that sadly. but it’s safe to say the association means a lot to me ♥️ 

thanks nonny

send me “what’s your favorite..” asks

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-Με έχουν κουράσει όλοι, εκτός από εσένα.-

Δεν αντέχω άλλη σκέψη. Δεν αντέχω να γράφω για σένα, είναι ανούσιο και πάνω από όλα ψυχοφθόρο να προσπαθώ για κάτι που για σένα έχει τελειώσει. Δεν αντέχω να μην μιλάμε, να μην βλέπω το γέλιο σου, να μην ακούω την φωνή σου, να μην σε βλέπω και κάθε φορά που περνάει να σκέφτομαι όλες τις αναμνήσεις μας. Δεν με ελκύει κάνεις και τίποτα, εκτός από εσένα. Δεν μπορώ να κάνω πράγματα που μου αρέσουν, με έχουν κουράσει μέχρι και άτομα που αγαπώ. Νιώθω ότι μου ρουφάνε την ζωή και πνίγομαι. Με έχουν κουράσει όλοι, εκτός από εσένα. Θα έπρεπε να ήσουν εδώ, να γεμίζεις το κενό κι ας έλεγες ότι από κάπου περισσευες και ότι δεν είχες ανταπόκριση. Χαλάλι σου, θα στα έδινα όλα ξανά και ξανά και ξανά, θα σου έδινα κάθε φορά όλα τα κομμάτια μου και ας μάζευα ξανά τα σπασμένα. Οι τσακωμοι μας και τα νεύρα μας είχαν καταντήσει ρουτίνα και εσύ ρουτίνα είχες καταστήσει, αλλά ευχάριστη. Ενταξει, τα ψυχολογικά μου γυρίζουν πίσω και η μοναξιά μου με καταβάλει. Ούτε για φτύσιμο τα κείμενα μου, το ξέρω. Σαν αναίσθητη ακούγομαι. Αισθάνομαι αναίσθητη, γελοία, τραγική, χαζή, κουραστική. Με κούρασε η σκέψη σου με κάποια άλλη, γεμίζοντας τα κενά που σου άφησα εγώ. Με κούρασε η σκέψη σου με κάποια άλλη, που γεμίζει τα κενά της καρδιάς σου και εκπληρώνει επιθυμίες σου. Δεν χαλιέμαι πλέον. Ή μήπως χαλιέμαι; Το υποκατάστατο μου θα είναι μάλλον κάποια από τις προηγούμενες. Ή όχι; Ξέρεις, είναι τυχερή που σε έχει. Ζηλεύω που σε έχει άλλη και όχι εγώ.

Στάσου, έχω και άλλα να πω. Οχι οχι, δεν θα είναι ρομαντικές μαλακιες για το πως περνούσαμε μαζί, μόνο αυτό. Μου λείπεις, ελπίζω να περνάς καλά με το υποκατάστατο μου.

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I dont even know what is real anymore. I’m questioning everything. This is not me but I cant break it. It like im teetering the line of no one can be more real than myself and that love is beautiful and I have to give it a chance. This whole thing has completely changed me…

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He left. He didn’t look back, he just left.

In July my mom died; my whole heart shattered. My life came to a hault. I don’t remember the in-between it was filled with tears and never leaving my bed; but then came September and my aunt was diagnosed with lung cancer; just as fast as the leaves changed color my aunt took a turn. October brought new colors on the tress and just like that, my aunt was gone. Then came the inbetween, but he cut that short, a week after her funeral, 5 days before we moved into our new apartment he said goodbye. Out of nowhere, slap. Goodbye. He took our home and he took the life I saw with him, he took the children we had dreamed of and named, the dogs we named, the wedding we planned. He took it and he didn’t look back. He used my depression and anxiety as a reason to leave. He didn’t stop to think that I had lost my mom and my aunt and was now losing the love of my life and his entire family, my family, in 3 months. He just left, as easy as the leaves falling off the trees. I don’t remember the in between. I remember tears and never leaving my bed. I remember wishing my mom was there to comfort me, to tell me all the things moms do during heart break. I remember my friends putting back together the peices that you pulled apart. My body didn’t know how to deal with this much loss, I felt like I was suffocating in it. I spent a lot of time in therapy working through the childhood trauma I endured, the assault, the abuse, and the endless abandonment. He left as quick as the leaves fell. In his abandonment that I so feared I somehow have to pick myself back up, I have to grieve, I have to rebuild, I have to make a home, and I have to be at peace. I’m not sure how to do that. But he’s gone. As quick as he came, he left. There is snow on the ground, and I have to pick myself back up.

Time to rebuild.

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