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#i miss you

i feel better

i accept that you didn’t want to face your emotions head on. i understand that you have been going through a lot and decided to shut down. i support you doing whatever you need to do to protect yourself. i do wish i could’ve been that support but it’s okay. you chose what you chose. and i support you closing doors so you can open other ones. i miss you but i support you. you got this.

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And you stopped looking at me with those eyes, and you focused on your new life, and I couldn’t be sadder.

I’m happy your persevering, and I am happy that you are well.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss your beautiful eyes.

Keep smiling, you beautiful tall stranger.

Love always,

G.

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Alam ko namang mabigat and laging nagreresort sa repression pero di naman ako informed na mas bibigat siya everyday? 😂

Oo na, I have to talk to someone. Onti nalang, kapag sumabog. Hehe.

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I’ve probably already shared this, but whatever…


You once told me this song made you think of me. It made you think of us. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever shared with me. So often, I still wonder if you ever listen to it, & if you do, I wonder if you sit there & just let yourself cry. I wonder if you cry thinking back to what we briefly had, thinking about what we could have been. You probably don’t, but I wonder so often.

Some nights I still fall asleep, imagining I’m holding you. And sometimes when I wake up, I still reach out for you, as if you’ll one day be there. But then reality sets in, & I wish I never had to wake up again.

Oh god, I miss you so much. There are so many songs I wish I could share with you. So many songs that make me think of you, what we were, & what could have been. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently.

I so badly wish you could understand, wish that I could understand. But we weren’t written in the stars. Not like I had hoped. Like I dreamed.

I fear I’ll never find that again, & that I’m going to die alone. Forever shattered to bits, like a hydraulic press shattering a marble.

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rose gold

My nails are still painted the color they were when I met your parents. Rose gold. I painted them for that meeting. It’s faded, chipping off. Each day there is less and less. I don’t want the paint to fade. It’s submission. It’s physical evidence of things being different. I want to go back to when I was getting ready to meet your parents. I was so nervous. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think. My brain buzzed with worry. It turned out fine, good even. I’ve never been comfortable with families before but I liked yours. They were nice. A nice normal family. One so different than what I’ve had. That pinch of normalcy was refreshing. Though I don’t think I could survive in it for long. For a little while it was nice to pretend: pretend to be an outgoing, charming, bubbly person. Go with the flow. Giggle loudly, not caring enough to monitor the echo of my laugh. That night I was someone else. I’m sure your parents were confused when I smiled widely and conversed with them easily when you had prefaced by saying how shy I was. Like it was a flaw. Like it was something wrong… a warning label. I showed you. Your family was warm. They’re bonded; a unit. I can tell looking in from the outside. I hate to pick favorites but it’s only natural. Your mom. She strived to make me feel welcome. She invited me to visit the family in Ohio during Christmas break. It’s sad to know that won’t happen now. A lot of things won’t. There was so much we had yet to do. That ‘so much’ lurks beneath the surface of my mind, making its way above like the crest of a wave. I think about you in ebbs and flows. Like the tides, I have no control over what thought of you will arise. Will it be a memory? Words left unsaid? Hopes for us? The sound of your laugh? The curl of your smile? The tightest hug you ever gave me when I cried in your bathroom for an hour? The days we had yet to spend together? The bitterness and resentment at what you did? At your cruel decision to ruin us? Ebbs and flows.

I hope my nail polish never fully fades.

-R (10/22/20. 3:19 AM)

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I saw a video of us today.. you felt like a stranger.. it feels like a different me, different time, different world… is this it? Is this me moving on? Me getting over us? Am i finally doing it? Finally accepted that “us” no longer exists?

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