#i myself am at risk everyday because although i have been vaccinated two of my coworkers havent and wont | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

explosivewordvomit · 3 years

Text

COVID

Let's jump right in.

My mini anonymous background. I am female. I live in Canada. I have a boyfriend, a full time job, animals in the house with a roof over my head. I am very grateful that during the time of covid I have not lost my job and can work more then ever. I am thankful to be in a position that will always be in need, no matter what the situation. Unfortunately that comes with its own battles.

You see, I work in health care. It has been a whirlwind of an adventure as we make our way through the pandemic. The coolest part is knowing that the world we live in today will be written in the next history books to come. We are living, breathing history at this moment. That was cool for about one month - last year - now it is just a pain and stress that could gladly exit my life anytime now. I understand that millions and millions of people feel the same. It had brought in pain and struggle more then we were prepared for. You see, our generations have grown lazy (in my opinion - me included). We live these easy and glamorous lives that many people in previous generations did not get to experience. You would think a little lock down here and there would be okay, since you know, we have all these resources to help communicate and see each other,

Covid has made me struggle. A lot. More then I have ever struggled in my life - and I went to nursing school. Initially I was angry, upset and irate. I play sports and all of a sudden my only source of exercise was gone. I lived alone (when covid initially hit) and I was isolated to a two bedroom apartment by myself. The anger I felt led me to trying to find reasons why this may be happening. "It is the new 5G networks" or "the government is trying to control us" or "China is setting us up for a world war". With cases starting to go up and deaths starting to increase PPE at work started to increase I kept saying things like "the government is trying to kill us". I was fighting back with every inch of my mentality. I was going to push back no matter what. It was putting stress on my relationships with my family.

My sister owns her own business. She really is amazing and hard working. But those that own their own business were punished the worst and she was not able to open due to restrictions. She went over seven months without a paying job. Trying to get by will bills was stressful. Here I am bitching about how stupid the pandemic is and how fake it is while I go to my full time paying job. All I wanted to do was open up - "it isn't worse then the flu anyways".

As the months go on I start to become more used to the lock downs and the wishywashy government trying to gain control over the situation. I realized that, although it was frustrating for me, it was detrimental to others. Many people lost their lives to covid and still are. Many families without loved ones. Many people losing their lively hoods due to the lock down. Mental health deteriorating. It caused further issues with other health concerns as people were avoiding hospitals, clinics or being seen due to the scare.

By December 2020 I was 100% torn back and forth with how I felt. At this time I had not seen my own parents since june 2020 due to their underlying health conditions (the risk was just too high), I had moved in with my boyfriend and his family.

In one ear I had my direct family telling me how the lock downs are worth it and we need to lock down further for longer to help stop the spread, people need to be ticketed and masks should be mandatory everywhere. In the other ear I had different close family telling me how the lock downs don't help, the breathing issues are from the masks and the people who think otherwise are sheep. Being pulled in every direction was extremely hard on my mental health. I was an emotional mess, burnt out and tired of waking up to the same old scare. I finally decided to take a stance as a nurse. Remember why I came into nursing in the first place - to educate and help people.

When I found out in January they were allowing nurses to get the vaccines I was initially hesitant. There are no long term studies on how it effects women health, fertility, pregnancy and breast feeding. My biggest fear - not being able to have children. So here I am researching like a mad man. I am looking up the studies there were provided over the last ten months, i looked up monographs, the ingredients and what they were. I knew every little detail from what the vaccine should look like once unthawed to exactly who they tested the study on, I felt confident in receiving it other then the lack of long term studies. After further discussion with my boyfriend I decided I would get it.

I am a nurse. I became a nurse to help others. I thought - hey if I get this and something goes wrong then I am helping others NOT get it - if everything goes well then no harm. The confidence I had was through the roof. Until... my other close family found out and thought it was absolutely repulsive that I would even consider getting it. Didn't I know that they were "injecting us with microchips" and "they are poisoning us" and "it is just another way for the government to control us". For one week - that's seven days - I was bombarded 3-4x a day with articles off of unreliable webpages telling me how wrong my decision is. It took them one week of me ignoring their messages for them to stop sending it to me.

Sadly that was only just the beginning of the burn out. As I sit here typing my heart out (it's too long for anyone to read anyways) it has been just over 26hours of me crying on and off. The insecurity I have with any decision I make lately is incredible. I know people who are blatantly ignoring isolation orders from the government because they "don't have it" yet refuse to get tested. But at the end of the day I am the bad guy for choosing not to see them due to their actions - to help protect myself, my patients and my own family. Didn't you know? I got my vaccine... I must be invincible right? Isn't is supposed to make it so I can walk through a covid wall and not come out with battle scars? My mental health has been the lowest of the low since the start of covid. It is hard to bounce back from.

Those that refuse education will never understand. Those unwilling to learn will never be open to that conversation and will, no matter what, always think they are right. I should know, I was originally one of them. Whether you want to believe what the government is doing is right or not - you cannot mistakenly think that covid doesn't exist. It does - I see it everyday.

Remember we are all in the same storm but not the same boat. Some people have yachts and some have a canoe. Be kind. If I have learnt anything it is that people are evil, mean and nasty creatures. Just. Be. Kind.

#coronavirus #mental health #struggle #nurse #kindness

0 notes

keep-your-feet · 4 years

Text

WEEK 14 & 15 OF 'LOCK DOWN'

The weeks are just flying by, quite scary really. Especially when you think about how much has or more to the point hasn't actually changed.

There's still no vaccine, we still can't stop the spread, and we still don't know what to do.

But it's ok because Boris has said bars and hair salons are allowed to re open now and the 2m distance rule can go down to 1m - however Leicester has had to go back into stage 1 lockdown due to an increased infection rate - meaning schools are re shutting as are all but essential shops and travel.

This reminds me back when it all first kicked off in China and i saw a post of various ‘districts’ / ‘areas’ being ‘barrier’d’ off and manned by guards - people couldn’t leave their houses/areas without the correct documents. It sounds drastic - but for me seeing that take place calmed me as at least it helped minimalise the spread.

I’m not sure what they’re going to do here - there’s rumours that more districts will need be contained soon - and I’ve heard bars in my city are asking people to bring proof of address with them to prove they are in fact from this area and not from a district that has been ‘locked down’.

you may note I say ‘we’ in the second paragraph - and it’s true, we have to play our part too. Luckily from what I've seen around me and my social network I feel that Nottinghamshire has been quite sensible. And a lot of people I've spoke to, don't agree with bars etc re opening, and aren't in any rush to be socialising. Even if it is restricted to 2hour time limits and has to be pre booked. I know I for one will be trying to stay away from crowded high risk areas for a long while. I am however looking forward to the campsites re opening again soon – we have our own water tanks and toilet so we wouldn’t need to see, do or touch anything other than our walking boots on the great outdoor floor! so fingers crossed we wont have to go back into lockdown so that we get to go - although - if we did i wouldn’t kick off as like I said above I feel we need to do what is necessary to stop the spread. I definitely don’t feel enough was done at the start - and now we’re in this mess of not really knowing how bad it is. I still daren’t read the news stories - plus i don’t believe half of them anyway as they’re only telling us what they’re allowed to - or scare mongering - so who actually knows what is going on... i think that’s what scares me the most about the whole situation - my life, our lives are in someone else’s hands - who i don’t trust, and i don’t feel like there is anything i can do about it.

What makes it even more frustrating for me - is I know that’s not 100% true, because if i looked into it more, i could join some form of group, or protest - learn more - to do more - but it’s just all so overwhelming i shut down - i mentally and physically shut down. And it’s not just this - the Black Lives Matter movement, the save the planet movement, not testing on animals, not eating meat, saving animals in need - saving the rainforests - the media is full of people and things telling me what i should or could be doing, how i should be feeling, and asking - almost demanding - that I help - and I want to - but it is all just too much for me at the moment, like where do you start? How do you start? and it makes me feel awful because i want to do my part - but i’m just too overwhelmed.

I keep trying to tell myself to remember that I am on a long journey of self discovery right now… and step 1- this blog, is the starting point of me ‘baby stepping’ out of my bubble that I built to protect myself many years ago and venturing out into the ‘real world’ - watching and taking note of what is actually going on around me - and trying to process it mentally - it sounds so simple but for someone who’s lived quite a sheltered, naive and privileged life - its quite a lot to take in.

And I feel like it’s getting worse - the more i break out of my bubble. I can't scroll social media, listen to the news, or text my friends without feeling anxious like I should be doing something more, because I'm now more aware of what's going on in the world around me. I don't understand it, but I'm more aware.

Step two - is me trying to form some sort of understanding to it all - hence my crazy ramblings on here.

Step three is then starting to make a difference - BUT remembering i can’t take on everything or fix everything all at once – and that’s a real difficulty for me. For example, often if i can’t have both things I’ll just go without because i don’t feel it’s fair on the thing that got left behind - crazy i know! But hey thats me! And that’s another part of myself I need to try and understand.

Yesterday was the first time I’ve been into the office at work since the end of March, and it took so much out of me. I was proper anxious, even though I know they have safety measures in place, for example my temperature was read at the door, ‘sneeze’ guards were in place, doors were propped open where appropriate - cleaning has been stepped up - and certain toilet ‘blocks’ have been closed so they can monitor and keep them clean. But what I found strange was that sudden fear of ‘urgency’ that comes over me when I go to head office - like I didn’t eat or drink anything the whole time I was there because I felt like I was ‘too busy’ - and overthinking the dust particles in the air that will be contaminated from people going in and out - silly I know.

But the thing is - when we do have to go back, I’ll be sat in an open plan office with 100’s of other people, breathing the same air, through the same air con, for 7hours or so - and I don’t know what those people have been up to, or where they’ve been - yet again my life is in someone else hands - it’s out of my control - and that’s what I’ve learnt I don’t like - not being in control.

Yesterday for some reason, i felt so emotionaly overwhelmed. Just stuck. Confused, Lonely, bored, scared, but when i truly think about it, it all comes back to this feeling of fear of ‘wasting time’. And what makes me feel worse is how horrid, and ungrateful i sound – i am really lucky be where i am today, to have what i have, to of done what I’ve done - i have Dave and the Dog and a great family. I should be happy - but for some reason i just want more (for us - I'd be lost without Dave and Wander, there my rocks ❤️) and every now and again I get this horrid grey cloud over my head that i cant shift. It makes me feel numb - but at the same time - fidgety and like my insides are just vibrating/buzzing - like i’m building up ready to explode. Yet i have no motivation or get up and go to do anything about it.. which is SO frustratng becasue i know going for a run will probably help - I know getting up and tidying the shit that's annoying me would help - but i just can’t seem to do it some days. Even when i break the tasks down into smaller tasks, it’s like there’s just so much and i get over whelemed and don’t know where to start so i do nothing, and get then annoyed by it - it’s a visious cycle! Luckily I don't feel like this everyday, it’s just every now and again.

Works good on a day like this as it sucks you in as you have to do it - but in the same breath i hate it - becasue im bored and feel trapped - like it’s work that’s stopping me from doing what it is i want to do! when It’s not really - it’s me!

A friend of mine has recommended some audio books which I’m going to give a go, as well as finishing Fearne Cottons ‘calm’ and other books I have - however it really was bad timing to try and do some self discovery right before one of your worst night mares comes to life - resulting in an ever so fragile mind state! 😂🤷‍♀️😭

Anyway, I have amazing friends and family around me – so I know I'll get through it all and I will forever be grateful for that and them. ❤️

On my bad days, I often make lists or sometimes just think of them in my head of all the things I’m grateful for.. I’ll text friends or family and plan a nice dog walk. Mood dependant I might go for a run, or run a bubble bath! some days i eat my weight in chocolate! I might do anything I can to distract myself - or i might try and dig deeper and think about what is at the core of my ‘brain niggle’ and try to resolve it. There is no right or wrong, or quick fix - you just have to do you ❤️

0 notes