#i need a mental health day that I'm not gonna get

[thirteenemeraldcats]

I would to know more about the untitled-Jamie-blue-screen fic, if you wanted to share anything about it : )

Hello terrifyingly talented friend! I am happy to share!!

So this fic started rolling while I was writing 'i learned to walk while he was away', - that story explores some of the 'unseen' effects of Jamie's experiences, specifically what his relationship to expressions of violence (even when positively channelled) might be after growing up with an angry man. The 'untitled-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic (which is technically 'redacted-title-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic, I'm a fairly changeable person and the title's redacted purely because it's still subject to possible [who knows, not me] change) is another exploration of some of the 'unseen' or more accurately 'undeveloped' parts of Jamie's psyche that canon skips over.

Specifically, the symptoms of depression he displays in 3x11 Mom City.

I'm a card carrying member of the 'Jamie has multiple missing diagnoses' bandwagon and know first hand what a horrifyingly tricky combo neurodivergence and clinical depression can be.

I use a lot of metaphors to describe/understand the complexities of mental health- when I was studying it, when I'm teaching it and yea when I'm thinking about my own brain :)

Most of the metaphors are computer based- product of the times I guess.

The untitled-title 'blue screen day' is how I unaffectionately refer to the days when that horrifyingly tricky combo decides to be extra horrifying and extra tricky and causes total system overload. The days when you forget how to be a person. That 'blue screen' blink feeling of not functioning, but then it's not momentary, it's not a blink, it doesn't go away. You're seeing with your eyes sure, but you're not really seeing and they don't really feel like your eyes. You exist in your body yes, but do you really exist? Is it actually your body?

(To use plain language; it's a brief and intense episode of severe burn-out, typically bought on by cognitive and/or sensory overload, but sometimes seemingly spontaneous [clinical!].)

So that's what I gave Jamie, a blue-screen-day (sorry buddy).

But I also gave him Roy! And a smoothie! He'll be okay.

(Essentially the story is the idea that sometimes things don't have solutions or answers or a quick and easy fix. Sometimes all you can do is be. Sometimes all you can do to help is be there.)

The fic really is gentle hours, I swear.

#THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!! #jamie lives in my brain #i loved him for yonks but after the boot room scene in 3x11 the guy has lived in my head #he sits sideways in a chair and kicks footballs at my amygdala while scream singing 'the chain' #i don't know what to do about that #other than fic i guess? #anyway if he's gonna live in my head i'm gonna poke him with a stick (depression [??]) and see what happens #OH HEY ALSO- I absolutely take (and crave) roses #I am dragon hoarding them because they make me feel happy to look at :) I WILL GET BETTER ABOUT ACTUALLY USING THEM WHOOPS #THANK YOU AGAIN FRIEND! #fic: untitled-jamie-blue-screen-day #ask box is always open #i still have no idea when this thing'll be done #it's nearly finished! #just needs a few more scenes then a couple edit swipes to make it more cohesive #readwing #jamiesfootball #ted lasso #jamie tartt #NEARLY FORGOT WARNINGS AGAIN YIKES #cw: depression #cw: mental health #writing tag

[iero]

Had a panic attack that literally woke me up in the middle of the night last night and lasted until the early morning and let me tell you, that shit is TERRIFYING. Needless to say, I think I'm ready to go back to work.

#personal #Am I still in pain? Yes. Is it controllable when painkillers are taken though? Also yes. Somewhat. #Breaking news! #Girlie who doesn't have their mental health under control feels 100x worse being holed up in the place they live alone under for FOUR days #I literally have not left my house since my surgery on Wednesday morning... #And then I'm wondering why my anxiety/panic attacks have been God awful these four days... Gee I wonder why! #Like I don't wanna go back to work because capitalism but I need to for like... A distraction. #My thoughts have been racing and I'm just begging for people to talk to me in my personal life to calm my anxiety down. #It feels debilitating at this point. It's literally taken over my life. #And I have my anxiety meds but I only just got them so I have to wait that 1-3 weeks for them to actually 'kick in.' #I really should have asked my new GP for the tiniest amount of benzos to get me through this recovery. #And I don't even have a follow-up appt. for my recovery but I am gonna call them on Mon. and ask for one for my own peace of mind. #I've called this office three times now over the course of three days to make sure what I'm feeling is 'normal.' #Anyway!!!

[chickenparm]

last line tag

whoa, parm is finally writing something again? what on earth could it be?? it's some chilumi for a dear friend of mine who requested it and writer's block or not, by god i've been picking away at it one sentence at a time. but it's NSFW (the usual with me) so this is the last sentence that is somewhat appropriate enough to not have under a read-more. every sentence after this one is a minefield of peepees and hoo-hahs.

Transformed or not, Childe isn’t nearly so callous as to go faster than Lumine can handle.

thanks for tagging me @henbased and i'm gonna tag @sweatandwoe @a-gal-with-taste @ink-and-dagger @vasiktomis (i'm real excited for vas'...) @insult-2-injury @xanamnesis and whoever else would like to do this! just tag me in it so i can see your tasty crumb. don't be shy.

#tag game #wip #nsft #genshin impact #tartaglia #chilumi #it's 2.2k words and they just now got it in so yeah.... my usual #i have no clue when this is gonna be done #sorry #also i once again have not forgotten about all those requests in my inbox #i look at them every day in an attempt to get one done but mental health is a stinker #anyway i'm so close to getting it handled that i can taste it #the light at the end of the tunnel #like a pot roast that's been cooking and i can nearly pull it apart with a fork #just need to simmer a little longer

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#ugh. another little vent i had to get it out somewhere sorry #fucjing #....i have no idea if I'm gonna make it #what if i just don't #whether i kill myself or not i can feel my body breaking down worse every time my arthritis meds are delayed for one reason or another #and my adhd memory bullshit is so fucking scary and depressing and impossible to deal with #And the meds for that are ALSO constantly delayed #complications every goddamn month on both #i genuinely don't know what'll get me first is it gonna be the depression destroying my mental health and i just don't wake up one day #or will it be this constant cycle of fucked up that my body is and getting worse every single day #what do i do? nobody is around who can help as much as i need #my husband is the only one #and he's got pain and mental health issues too #he can't help as much as i need #what the fuck happens if i just keel over whether i want to or not #......fffuck #I #..........gods i wanna curl up under the bed and just cry

[thethingything]

well we accidentally fell asleep because of course we did 😒 but not quite enough to actually be a full night's sleep so I guess we'll probably nap later but I'm very torn between "oh god everything's terrible and I'm overwhelmed and feel like shit" and "okay time to work on our mental health again and get shit done and I'll probably feel better after doing like 3 basic self care tasks" but unfortunately I think about doing the tasks and I feel like screaming because accidentally waking up at your body's equivalent of midnight will do that to you

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #we have a really bad time and then shortly afterwards it's like our brain goes #''well that was a disaster. better suddenly put loads of effort into fixing shit so it doesn't happen again'' #and we very quickly switch from ''everything's terrible and I can't cope with any of it'' #to being very determined to get our shit together and actually fix our mental health even if that determination is fueled by rage and spite #it's very predictable at this point but also like... please can we just have a chill time for once #we keep going ''I'm gonna have a rest day and just do fun and relaxing stuff'' and then we don't do that #I should probably do that today but I also need to shower #I might shower and then go back to sleep for a while and then when we wake up I can try doing stuff that's actually relaxing and/or fun

[roger-paladino]

Sorry for being really slow with like. everything art related guys I have been going through it so bad

#Im so emotionally and physically burnt out rn i physically can't even talk to my friends without feeling like my heads abt to explode #this is mostly for the people commissioning me rn I can't get anything good out atm #I'm working on them but bear with me for a day or so #so im gonna. mental health break. Im seeing my dad tomorrow and saturday he's getting me out of the house so maybe I'll be back to normal #my mums bf put up cameras that alert his phone when someone moves outside and it just kicked my anxiety up so bad I literally can't handle #the idea of leaving the house and him seeing it on the camera and making a comment lmaoooo #I gotta. get over that but he makes fun of me all the time anyway (in a joking way im just sensitive) so I just expect it #and bc of that I can't leave my house more so than normal #I need to see a doctor abt my anxiety like. bad. but Im too scared of going and wasting their time since the NHS is already strained #which. also comes from my anxiety lol #its BADDDD its so bad I shouldn't be scared to go outside #I do try and force myself and its never that bad but I disassociate the whole time and I feel like im not making any progress really #anyway sorry for turning into a little vent LMAO oopsie.. #all this to say I'm very eepy and just need a second to get back on track #.txt

[stinkrascal]

hiiiiiii <3 how are we doing? how are the straud kids doing?

hiiiiiiiii im doin ok, how are you bby? <3 the straud kids are great!! idk when im gonna post the straud legacy again, i really really really want to post the vlad/brie backstory reprisal before i pick up the straud legacy so tbh i havent seen them in so long, i miss my pixel people :-( but in my head im certain theyre living their best lives!! i have so many story ideas that i wanna execute it's so crazy my mind is a jumbled mess of silly vampires lol

#jade answers #itsmariejanel #oh im about to ramble SO HARD in the tags you dont even know #lucien and bonnie are gonna have a baby very soon i decided because bonnie has been pregnant for TWO REAL LIFE YEARS #even though it's only been a few months for them in the story D: so straud grandbabies soon ahhhh im not ready!! #gen is still a misogynist who's terrified to come out to his parents but they'll come around #carlile is still sick with an Unknown Illness... but he'll feel better one day! he just has to feel worse first :'( #nikolai is studying hard at school! making friends! learning about literature and whatever! #klaus is still struggling to make new friends but he'll make them sooner than he thinks!! all the while developing his musical skills <3 #anastasia is an indecisive queen who cannot decide what aesthetic she likes or who she's into. but that's ok! libra queen! #ilya will explore their identity has they get older! and also steal their mother's lighters and attempt to start fires. arsonist icon <3 #maybe the strauds will have more babies idk i have to decide how bored vlad and brie are #brie wants to GO TO SCHOOL! and be EDUCATED! so idk if she'll wanna have more kids at the moment #maybe afterwards though. she can get her degree and then be like heyyyy vladdyyyyyyy ;)))) #idk i have so many plans for the straud legacy i think it's going in a direction i'm really satisfied with!! #especially regarding anastasia/caspian/vaughn/wolfgang ugh it sounds like a love square but i promise it isn't lol #i'm really satisfied with their arcs. especially caspian and wolfgang. i think it's going to go in a good direction #i can't wait for u guys to see it in a thousand years when i finally start posting again <3 #but first i feel like i need to establish things in the vlad/brie backstory reprisal #mainly having to do with vlad/brie's mental health. bc there are characters with the same diagnoses as them #and they help those characters come to terms with their diagnoses #there's also general worldbuilding stuff that i want to better establish in the reprisal that i feel would be beneficial for my legacy too #there's so many stuff and things to do!! and i only have two hands!!!! #but i promise i am constantly working on new story stuff ok? if you read this far i am very impressed lol ily <3

[pandora15]

i think it's really rude of the excedrin i took a few hours ago to not work

#i am. not having a good time right now #i'm always either in pain or too tired or feeling moody or lonely and i just. ugh. #i think i need to make some changes to my life soon and i'm trying to take the steps to do so but everything is so /hard/ #and i'm trying to introduce a healthier lifestyle into my schedule but i'm already slammed with work and school #and trying to add ''going to the gym which would take 2 hours out of my day since it's kinda far away'' or ''cutting down on snacks'' #or ''planning out meals in advance so i could eat healthier'' stresses me out so much #which makes me more upset about the state of my physical health. which in turn makes things Not Good about my mental health #and then i'm in pain because brain hurt and i don't want to be alone but i also don't want to go back to my parents' house #because then i eventually feel all stifled and angry and want to get away as far as possible #even though i love them #okay it's late so i'm gonna try to sleep #my head hurts but i'm gonna try anyways #maybe drink some water first #pandora's ramblings

[colourful-dots]

uni should just start again like i am absolutely CERTAIN that these three weeks until it starts again will be the longest weeks of my life

#but damn i have to submit two essays by friday and i'm gonna be stressed this week #and after that it's gonna be 3 movies a day for 2 weeks lmao #but em idk friday really threw me off the loop #and i am better than yesterday evening but not good yet #like i said i really need the routine of uni back all of this nonsense is not good for my mental health #like em ed cw i think but pretty much told myself that i don't deserve breakfast the last week or so #so yeah it's struggling central here but fuck i'm gonna get through these three weeks #and then be sad and lonely in uni with a routine:)

[malewifespike]

one good thing about the 21st century is telehealth. if i had to actually make an appt w/ my primary care doctor every time i needed more meds i would lose my mind

#like. the in-person healthcare system is so fucked #i would have to wait weeks to see ''my'' primary care doctor in person and i'm out of my antidepressants now #so i would just be in misery for 2 weeks #but instead i can just make a virtual appt w/ some random doctor and be like hey give me more meds. #and theyll be like 'well hows your dose do we need to adjust-' #and ill be like NAAAUURRR no. its been almost 5 years im happy w my meds just give. me. more. #and theyll be like okay. #same day appointment w/ a copay thats the same as if i went to my doctor in person #today im gonna try to get an amount thats longer than 90 days i cant be paying $100+ every 3 months just to get a refill #the other day my mom was complaining about how she's been on her antidepressants for 10 years- #-and no doctor ever suggested weaning off and she was like 'someone should have suggested that to me- #-bc i just got complacent and now ive been taking antidepressants for 10 years and thats not healthy' #and i was like why are you acting like you have no agency in your own healthcare. if you wanted to wean off then why didnt you just- #-suggest it yourself #the way i perceive healthcare you have to forcibly impose your own agency on doctors be willfull be knowledgable #theyre there to listen to you and diagnose/prescribe based on your direction especially w/ mental health/antidepressants #i weaned myself from 200mg/daily to 100mg/daily bc i was like i dont need this much. i just did it myself

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

The experience of finagling your schedule to better suit a client who has been struggling with attendance only for them to immediately no-show the new time too.

Buddy I have a waiting list, I do not have time for you to skip sessions for months at a time.

#gonna fucking offer this person my one remaining '1x/month' slot and tell them this is the only time I have available for them now #and if they can't make it we'll have to begin discharge #because like. this can't keep happening every week my schedule is a fucking shit show #i have been gently reminding all my patients that i have a full caseload now and that I need to know for sure they can commit to appts #most have been great about it! #worst case scenario someone loses track of days and i give them a call at 5 after and they're like #oh shit be right on #but SOME OF THESE FOLKS #ooooooh they're testing my capacities #ironically it's never my patients who would be expected based on mental health needs to struggle with dates #it's literally just that some of my clients see these appts as not important compared to other stuff they have going on #WHICH WOULD BE FINE IF I GOT A REAL HEADS UP #OR IF I WEREN'T ALREADY BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO MAKE SURE THEIR SCHEDULES ARE ACCOMMODATED #if i try to talk this out with them they assure me it's no issue they like their time #and then immediately the next week it's a no show followed up by a 'sorry i made plans and forgot to let you know!' #please #i'm begging you please don't no show your appts #it's so bad for your providers as people and as practices #literally our owner who is like. super anti consequence fees has officially said we're going to have to introduce them for no shows now #because it's apparently not just me and is getting super out of hand

[seekingthestars]

i'ma be real, there's like 3 or 4 Big Crises occurring at the same time in my family rn so if i'm just not here/not very talkative here much it's bc i am literally just trying to hold it together until i can see svt 😵‍💫

#personal #i have to be the strong holding-it-together one rn and i'ma be real it's slowly taking its toll lol help #none of these crises are directly related to me #i am not directly involved in them #but i am indirectly involved in all of them and i am Exhausted #also trying to think through and figure out what things i still need for trip/concerts and tbh i am getting nowhere #i am losttttt #i just wanna sleeeeeeeeep #i just wanna sleep and rewatch in the soop :( #part of me wants to ask if i can take a mental health day tomorrow but the other part of me is like 'lol why' #i'm not i'm just gonna go and struggle through this branding project #i'm really okay i promise i'm just so tired

[laviedavantgarde]

After a month without medication, I finally have access to it again and better days are ahead of me. 💙

#personal #mental health #I've done better than I thought I would without it but it still sucked the first week and a half or so #now I need to focus on getting a full time salaried job and taking better care of myself #the job market sucks ass right now #the economy is tanked right now #I filled up half a tank of gas and it was nearly $40 🙃 #groceries are outrageous too #thankfully I am in a food secure household and my family and I aren't struggling really (well besides my father and I finding work) #so I'm definitely counting my blessings especially these days #also I'm going to my first Pride event Saturday with my teenagehood best friend and a couple of other friends and I'm excited! #I don't want to be cooped up more than I should and just be more of a depressed potato so I'm gonna go and do fun things #also I know a couple of people who can't afford to be out in many places like myself (though a different situation kind of) so I'm going to #Pride for them too

[medicinemane]

I'm very tired, I have to do everything around the house myself (as in, I keep having to turn the water off and on to the kitchen sink until I teach myself to install a new faucet, and negative cleaning gets done if I don't do it), and the money is in the hands of the third worst person in the whole family when it comes to money (the worst being my grandpa who is dead, and my grandma who blows all her money on overpriced jackets and other junk)

I'm very tired, I have to teach myself how to do everything, and I have almost literally no support in any way shape or form ever

I can't remember the last time anyone said they were proud of me... I don't actually know if anyone's ever used that word with me before. When I do something like get the trailer cleaned out or buy a house, frankly no one gives a fuck, except my grandma who gets mad

I haven't actually had a chance to see anyone that counts as a friend in like 15 years, and I mean even in high school everyone liked me but no one could be bothered to actually ever even talk outside school... so even back then it's not like I had anyone I was close with

I'm providing this version where I totally remove how I feel or how I view myself from the description and instead try to provide something close to an objective description of things

So if you wonder why I say what I say about myself, honestly I think it's pretty much all summed up here

#mm tag so i can find things later #also this is why you can maybe piss off instead of coming around here and saying I should get off the internet and go to therapy #in spite of how morose I am; I'm actively working to fix this stuff by... at least learning more of the skills I need #like... learn to replace a faucet; then at least I don't have the sink issue weighing me down #and maybe if I fix enough of it someday things'll be ok #although... in my mind no matter what I do I'll still be alone and unlovable; but that's just a description of how I view things #regardless of how I may feel; I am trying to do stuff to fix how I feel by trying to fix my situation #so like... if you're gonna come here and tell me I need to fix my mental health #may I respectfully say either you can lend me a hand or maybe you should mind your own business #cause what the fuck do you think I'm trying to do? #not that anyone will read this or particularly care #not trying to be rude or something; just extrapolating past data to make a prediction #it's not that people here don't care or don't like me; it's just we're all busy with our own lives and no one really knows what to do #well I'm... I'm trying to write you a guide; I'm asking for help here #...to an extent it's totally fine if no one helps... but you kinda don't get to go around acting like you love being asked for help #I mean... you do; it's your life... but I'm just saying... this is me asking for help... yet again #but I expect nothing because that's what usually happens #I really don't mean to... to imply anything about anyone else; it's just descriptively I don't get help and I don't get support #and... based on all the information I have my model for the outcome of this says no one will even notice it #that tag of mine of things I can find later or whatever... it has me outright saying a number of things #...no one ever hears or listens #anyway; there it is... another pointless cry for help #...don't say I didn't warn you when I wind up killing myself one day #probably not anytime soon; maybe not ever... all I'm saying is don't pretend you didn't see it coming or like I didn't reach out #at least... as best I could... maybe I could have done better #like sure; could I walk up to specific people and say 'I need you to do this'; sure... #but I find... I find people just ignore it if I say that too #so I've given up; you know? #this is the best I can muster #don't say I didn't tell you

[binnie]

venting real quick

#tw alcohol #sooooooo I feel nothing lmao #i'm hollow and emotionless and empty #spent all day just wasting and waiting for time to pass #my heart is tired. my soul has been drained. #going to bed and calling it a night to escape this wretched state is an option #but i'm not sleepy in the slightest and i don't want to go lay down #and it's still pretty early #so if i go to bed i'll just be wasting even more time and feeling miserable #and if i fall asleep i'll wake up groggy and sickly and miserable #so me - being a very rational human fully in control of herself - ams seriously considering just getting a bit tipsy to pass time #maybe watch some dumb show to forget about my misery for like an hour or so #i know i shouldn't cause health or whatever #plus i have a meeting at 10am tomorrow and i've been having trouble getting up in the morning #PLUS tomorrow i'm finally gonna meet up with the student's office to discuss my special needs status #and what options I have to not have this school year completely ruin me #oh yeah right this september i applied for and got accepted to have special needs status for mental health reasons!!!! #(my university especializes in psychology and they - on paper - can grant the status to students with chronic mental health #that suffers from a chronic mental illness that's considered very severe that is frequently debilitating) #that significantly affects their academic experience) #both of which are my case. it's not very common tho so I'm fortunate they accepted me for the status!!) #anyway the council was supposed to inform my raging bitch of an advisor that i have the status #so we could write down a schedule that would better fit my needs #thing is she seems to have no idea #and I haven't brought it up yet #because 1.) i don't know how to #and 2.) i'm constantly scared she'll think i'm like. leaning on my status too much or throwing a “pity party” or something #which - objetively speaking - is a bit of a silly thought because my uni has given me the status because (cont.) #they felt it was fair and reasonable and that I have the right to have an uni experience that better fits my needs #BUT THAT'S THE THING LIKE there's this looming feeling in the back of my head that gives me massive imposter syndrome