Tumgik
#i need to express this somewhere so into the tumblr void it goes
abyssal-ali · 11 months
Text
Burned my wings close to the sun/But I'll keep on flying/I'm too young for dying
Pairing: None
Rating: M (blood, violence, death, thoughts that could be seen as suicidal)
WC: 1.6k exactly (yes I'm proud of that)
Tired of never knowing exactly where he stands with Bruce, Jason decides to force his hand.
A/N: This was heavily inspired and plotted by a friend on tumblr, so most of the credit goes to @skypalacearchitect.
A note for the tag "Immortal Jason". Technically he can die, but he will always come back. His power is resurrection, not total immortality.
The song for this fic is "Higher" by The Score.
It may seem a little confusing (though I hope not) but more will be revealed in the second chapter, which I hope to work on and have up this weekend/coming week.
Enjoy!
Chapter 1: They try to keep me down, but I just get higher
Jason fumed all the way out of the Batcave.
He fumed on his ride back to his safehouse, he fumed as he passed all his security protocols, he fumed as he removed his gear and headed to shower and change. He fumed halfway through his shower, too, until his anger decreased from 'rolling boil' to 'gentle simmer' and his thoughts turned to vengeance.
Mr. 'I-am-Vengeance' himself would get a healthy taste of his own medicine. Jason smirked ominously to himself.
Back in the Batcave, a tired-and-irritated Batman felt a disturbance in the void.
~~~~~~~
After a lovely sleep dreaming and scheming, Jason awoke to the smell of food in the air. Hopping out of bed, he headed to the kitchen with a knife in hand as a precaution (not that he wasn’t a master in several hand-to-hand martial arts) that he put down when he saw who had invaded his kitchen.
“Talia? Why are you here? I thought you were with Damian?”
“I had a feeling my oldest son was plotting something and needed my help.” Talia left two steaming mugs of tea on the island and warmly embraced him. He left the knife on the counter and joined Talia in easy harmony as they danced around his kitchen making the meal.
Once they had begun eating Talia pinned Jason with her slightly unnerving green stare. “Jason. You are not one to hold back your thoughts, habibi. What is it?”
Jason sighed inwardly. Always straight to the point with Talia, and nothing was long hidden, either. He met her gaze. “I want to perform a little experiment on Bruce, and I'd like your help.”
She looked him over calculatingly. “Go on.”
“Bruce said some things last night...I almost shot him somewhere he'd have a hard time recovering from. But then I thought, he's still never recovered from the first time I died. That's what this is all about, anyways, so what if I do something to him he'll never recover from.”
Talia had stopped eating by now and had a wrinkle on her brow as she stared at him and analyzed his body language.
Jason continued, “I want you to kill me in front of Bruce.”
Talia stood up and her mouth was pressed into a firm line. “I did not save my son from that man's brutality just to kill him myself.”
“Look, T, I'm not sayin' this lightly. I know what death is like better than most. But I need to know exactly how he feels about me, if I can realistically continue to work in Gotham or not. You and I know I'll come back, but he doesn't. I- he seems like he wants me dead and gone, so he can still mourn Robin-me. I need to know for myself.”
Talia stood in front of him, carefully scrutinizing his body language and facial expressions. “...this is not a situation like the aftermath of your showdown?”
“No, T, I'm not askin' this 'cause I want to die. I'm askin' because I want to live. I don't feel like I'm really living around the Bats, always keeping an eye out for a potential problem and what I'll be blamed for next. But...I need to know just how big of a chance I have to live with them. And how much they'll look for me if I leave. I'm not asking this of you lightly, T. Feel free to say no; I'll understand.”
“I must think about this, Jason. But if you leave, I will always help you, whether they chase you or not.”
Jason smiled and hugged her. “I know. Thanks, Talia. Take your time, I have drama to plan anyways.”
~~~~~~~~~
Talia stayed with him longer than her usual day or two, instead living in his apartment for a whole week. They didn’t bring it up again, but Jason figured it was so Talia could keep an eye on him and assess his mental and emotional state before she did anything.
She mostly stayed inside so she wouldn’t alert Bruce to her presence, but Jason caught her watching him from the shadows the two nights he went out as Red Hood.
The next Saturday evening, while Jason washed the dishes and Talia dried them, she casually mentioned his request. “I’ll help you with your plan, habibi.”
Jason turned to her, dripping a few suds on the tile floor. “I’m mentally stable enough to handle you killing me?” he asked wryly.
Talia’s lips thinned subtly in displeasure, but she was long used to his ways of speech and his use of humour as a defence. “Something like that. Are the dramatics of your plan sufficiently plotted?”
“Almost. I was thinking I’d confront Bruce in the Batcave, if possible with his little sidekicks there so he can’t hide anything from them anymore, and then you come in and hug me and stab me in the back.”
Talia frowned.
Jason explained his reasoning and Talia finally acquiesced.
They set the date for Tuesday.
~~~~~~~~~
Jason rode into the Batcave just after the Batmobile pulled in, having followed the Bats through their patrol to figure out the best time to make his dramatic entrance.
The Batmobile had been the last to return, so they should all be gathered now for his…demonstration.
Nightwing, Batgirl, Spoiler, Red Robin, and Batman were all standing around in various mixtures of costumes and comfy clothing, and Babs was on the Batcomputer’s main screen, pointing some information out to Nightwing.
They turned to see him park his bike facing the entrance and approach them, though he stayed a carefully calculated distance away to give Talia more space to flee when they inevitably attempted to apprehend her after she stabbed him. He took off his plain motorbike helmet, having only dressed in civvies to appear more defenceless to appease the paranoid old man.
“Jason? Why are you here? You stormed out last Saturday and haven’t been very active lately.” Bruce almost sounded pleased to see him, but Jason could hear the underlying cold calculation as he wracked his brain to figure out why he had returned.
“I had something I wanted to say to you, Bruce.” He made sure his voice stayed neutral–after all, this was to confirm Bruce’s thoughts and feelings about him either way, though both Jason and Talia subconsciously knew which side Bruce would pick.
"Which is?” Bruce prompted, annoyed that there was an audience that would be suspicious if he sent them away to hear Jason out privately.
“I want to work with you. You were my first family, and you helped me live longer and better than I would’ve as a kid on the street. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we will always share opposing viewpoints on certain subjects, but I still respect that you have a code. I’ve even compromised on my own views when I could to make myself appear in a more palatable light.”
Bruce stood stiffly, body language as cold and closed-off as ever. His sidekicks were all huddled in a group, whispering amongst themselves. Jason was pretty sure they were betting on how this would turn out. He and Dick had used to do that–no, focus on the present, Jason. Don’t be a Bruce and live in the past.
“But why is it always me compromising? I’m more than willing to accept your unwillingness to kill, but why must you be so coldly against anyone killing? Even if I stopped killing permanently, you’d never see me accurately, would you? I’d always be viewed through a blood-red lens. I would never be your son.”
“Once a killer, always a killer. You enjoy these executions you perform, Jason. My son died when he was fifteen.”
Jason sucked in a breath, trying not to show how much those words hurt him. “Thank you for confirming my hypothesis.”
The watching circle of sidekicks looked incensed (Dick), concerned (Babs and Cass), and shocked (Tim and Steph). They didn’t have a chance to act, as the exit to the Batcave beeped.
Talia easily entered, using Jason’s passcode, striding determinedly up to Jason and Bruce, nodding reassuringly at Jason. “Habibi.”
Of course, Bruce took the address to mean him and not his son and angrily questioned her why she had broken in.
Talia laughed lightheartedly. Jason had to hand it to her, she was a good actress. You’d never know she was about to stab her son in the back.
“I just had one final thing to accomplish before I left Gotham for good.”
She turned to Jason.
“If this will hurt you after or you just can’t do it, I’ll understand,” Jason whispered in the League dialect.
“I appreciate your concern, habibi, but I will be alright. This is for you.” She wrapped her arms around him tightly.
"I love you, Ummi.”
“I love you, ya albi.”
She took a deep, steadying breath and raised the dagger in her hand, swiftly piercing him through the heart. He lurched a little in her arms but turned to face Bruce, who was staring at the scene in shock.
“This knife in my back hurts less than the figurative one you shredded me with time after time. Congratulations, Bruce, your son is dead.” He choked and spat scarlet blood at Bruce’s feet. “His blood is on your hands.”
Bruce stared at him, then the blood, still stunned at the spectacle.
Talia gently laid him on the floor, his head in her lap, combing her fingers through his hair.
“See you soon, T.”
Talia’s hand rested tenderly over his eyes, brushing his eyelids closed.
23 notes · View notes
https-kirstenikita · 1 year
Text
It's been a while.
It’s probably been about 10 years since I last did a blog entry. It was something very prominent during the 2000s/early 2010s, as influencers and social media stars became a *thing* it was natural that those with a platform would also have a blog, to really solidify their social presence. 
From my experience, blogs were mainly like an open journal for all modes of expression. You want to exhibit your fashion style? Start a blog. You like to cook? Start a blog. You want to ramble about your thoughts and feel like it goes into the void? Start a blog. 
I started blogging when I was about 11, I don’t know if it counts when it’s on Microsoft’s Notepad but it felt like a big deal at the time. I’ve had a diary since I was very little, but having this technology where I could correct mistakes without anyone seeing those mistakes felt huge. I eventually discovered (and was allowed) the internet which opened a thousand doors, one of those being Piczo. I loved Piczo. As soon as I discovered it I knew it was the one. The variety of people, the focus on photos and depicting life in so many varying styles just hit in a way that made me excited about teenagehood and life ahead; I wanted to be a part of it and I felt like I was. 
Piczo unfortunately called it a day in 2012, and I moved over to Tumblr which I loved but was never the same (yet here I am!). Tumblr itched a scratch I didn’t know I had, however Piczo is one of those nostalgias where I randomly wonder about those who I used to follow. Those bloggers were just everyday people with a few hundred followers, sharing their highs and lows with total strangers with no consequences, no prominent influence. Parasocial relationships exist in smaller spaces too. 
Sharing my personal life and general thoughts on Tumblr didn’t last long. It was a popular site however puberty hit, I was bullied and it didn’t take long for people to find my blog which meant immediately deleting everything before the inevitable shame. Those who picked on me already had enough material, they didn’t need my thoughts as well. And then that was kind of it, by the age of 14/15 I’d quit blogging. 
I’m now 25, social presence has vastly changed since then and I know blogging is still very real and very much a thing, I just want to get back into it as a random person out in the world. It holds a special place in my heart and I enjoy it. I currently live with my boyfriend of 7 years, I have a Bachelor's degree in theatre and am the receptionist of a salon whilst still working in theatre (when I can). I’m passionate about painting, art, drunk cleaning, the Sims, reorganising the whole space when I feel mentally unstable and workers rights. I’m doing this because my mental health has been low for some time and I’m trying my best to rekindle the loves I had in teenagehood. Not because I can’t live past it, but because I feel like those passions got lost somewhere. 
As my mind stands right now, this blog will be talking about past life, future and present. Whatever I’m into in the moment, book reviews (hopefully!) and general ramblings. If you fancy the read, go for it!
Kirsten x
0 notes
snowdice · 4 years
Text
Masterpost (Old)
This is an old, slightly broken Masterpost, but I might not remember to change all the links. The new one is here.
If you would just like to see all of my writing, I tag everything with #adriana writes on my blog. Click here for everything in chronological order of my posting. Click here for my AO3 account.
Completed fics are marked complete in their summary. You can click on the universe tags to read fics for that universe in chronological order of my posting.
The Prison You Deserve: (Complete) Virgil should have known better. Trying to help only ever ended badly for him. After a misunderstanding, Virgil gets thrown into the most infamous prison across all of the kingdoms, where the most evil criminals are thrown to get what they deserve at the hands of nightmarish creatures from the void. Luckily (for once) Virgil really didn’t deserve it. Trusting that this isn’t just a cruel trick and he isn’t actually going to be tortured though is going to take a while. (In which Patton is a eldritch horror, telepathic nightmare, and still is the sweetest thing on the planet and off it.)
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Bonus Features
Road Trips and Missing Persons:  Patton was just getting groceries. The next thing he knew, there was a knife at his throat and he was an unwilling uber driver. Virgil’s on the run after the murder of his dad, and it’s not just his paranoia that’s telling him he’s being chased down. He has to get somewhere safe, somewhere he can trust, and all he has is a couple of stories from his dad and a name: “Green Bellow Foods and Dispensary.”
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11
Mismatched High Heel Shoes: (One-shot: Complete) The boys are having fun. (This was for the #magpie500 event.)
Tumblr
Cops and Not Robbers AU
You I’ll Come Back For: (Complete) They’d met in a jail cell, you see, but unlike now Patton had not been anywhere near trapped, not that Virgil had been aware of that fact. He’d just seen his sweet little cell mate who’d clearly not done anything to deserve being on that side of the bars. Virgil had said “What did you do to get stuck in this joint?” and Patton had started crying. It had taken zero lies and five hours for Patton to coax out the information he’d needed. He’d thought when he’d pranced up to the bars and told Roman he was ready to leave that the absolutely astonished expression which was quickly slipping into fury would be the last thing he’d ever see of the man whose crimes numbered enough to keep him in prison for the rest of his life. He’d escaped during his transfer to federal prison. (This was a dice fic. It also appears below!)
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Mistaken Identities: (One-Shot: Complete) Roman was just walking out of an ice-cream shop when an unfamiliar man’s irate voice made him pause mid lick and look up. “Dammit Remus, I told you to meet me two blocks that way and you’re getting ice cream?” | Now as an identical twin, especially one with a brother who had a… certain personality, he wasn’t exactly unused to this sort of thing happening. So, he promptly opened his mouth to say, “Oh no I’m not…” | “Remus, I don’t care right now,” he interrupted. “Get in the car.” | “But-” | The man snapped his fingers and a hand descended on his shoulder. “Get him in the car.” | Roman meets Deceit and later Logan when he is mistaken for his brother who is apparently doing SOMETHING with his life.
AO3 Tumblr
A Bloody Handkerchief:   (One-Shot: Complete) Dee and Roman help Logan move and Dee finds something from their past.
AO3 Tumblr
Cuffed Universe
Tea, Cookies, and Handcuffs: (Complete) Logan finds a strange man on his property and of course invites him in for tea.
AO3 Tumblr
What Remains Universe
What Remains of Us: (Complete) Virgil was young, but smart. “How are we going to do this?” he asked. “You’re 12. You can’t get a job or a house.” | “Remember when dad used to read us The Boxcar Children?” he asked. “It’ll be like that. Well, not exactly; there aren’t many old train tracks around, but we’ll find something. I even found an old copy of the book in the $.10 bin at the bookstore. The ending’s ripped out, but we’ve got the part where they figure out how to live in the woods. It’ll be like a guide.” | Patton and his little brother Virgil go on a “hiking trip” after the aunt they’d been living with hit Virgil.
AO3 Tumblr
Remains of Memories: (Complete) Patton is about to graduate high school. As his life changes, he figures it’s time to confront some memories with the people he loves.
AO3 Tumblr
Touch Me Gently Universe:
Touch Me Gently: (Complete) He had a total of four soulmarks: not an unheard-of thing, but rather rare. There were purple fingerprints on his wrist, looking like a day-old bruise from where someone had grabbed him too hard. What his mother had seen when he’d entered the kitchen was actually two soulmarks that overlapped slightly: a light blue one that darkened his lips and a yellow handprint that covered the lower parts of his cheek and jaw. The ring finger and the tip of the pinkie hit his lip, mixing with the blue to look like a sickly greenish-yellow bruise. What his dad had seen peaking out of the top of his t-shirt was a dark blue mark in the shape of fingers around his neck. Roman had been overjoyed when he realized what the marks were after the initial confusion. His parents had been a little less enthusiastic. (Roman meets his soulmates one-by-one and it’s not at all what everyone assumed when they first saw his soulmarks.)
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Bonus Features
Never a Chance to Hate You: (Complete) Logan picks Dee up for a date early in their relationship. Dee reflects on how his perceptions of his soulmates changed once he met them.
AO3 Tumblr
Is There Anything Left of Patton? (Zombie AU; One-Shot Series)  (Complete)
Logan has a secret in his basement. Three months into living with him, Virgil finds that secret. He almost wishes the secret was a simple as he first thought it was. Almost. AO3 Link
Something Left
Someone You’ll Never Meet
Food You’ll Never Eat
Things You’ll Never Do
There are Things You Have Lost
There Are Things That Are Missing
And There is a Question
Is There Anything Left of Patton?
And There is an Answer
But What Does It Mean?
One More Dance  
One More Chance
When There Is Something Left 
Bonus Features   End Credit Scenes
Dilemmas (One-Shots Series)
“But that doesn’t make any sense!” he yelled.| “Patton,” Remus said evenly.|“It doesn’t!” he screamed turning on him viciously. “There’s a big difference between not being sad someone’s dead and… and… and no! No! I wouldn’t be okay with seeing someone I hated die. I wouldn’t!”| “Yes, you would,” Remus said, standing up himself. He pointed an accusatory finger at him. “You would! And you know you would! Do you think you are the only one who can get a read on another side when functions cross? Those thoughts in your head are my domain and I knew exactly what you were feeling when I asked that question!” Virgil was forcibly summoned immediately, eyes wide. Patton and Remus have a philosophical discussion and then will have to deal with the fall out. (AO3 Link)
Moral Dilemmas
Ethical Reasoning
The Dangers of Stereotypes 
When I Can Say I Love You: (Complete) In a world where their very existences are illegal, let alone their relationship, Patton and Logan share a moment discussing what they wish their world could be.
AO3 Tumblr
The Horror of Stereotypes: (Complete) There had always been a certain stereotype about people like him for as long as anyone could remember. After the Heart War of 1963, those stereotypes had been legalized and places like this had been created to enforce the universal truth: everyone had a soulmate. One soulmate. No more and no less. At least they were supposed to. When Remus’s brother gets arrested because of his two soulmarks, Remus risks everything by infiltrating the facility he legally should be in as well due to his own two soulmates to save him. There he meets Logan and it turns out they have a lot in common: they both got hired this week, they both have two soulmates, and they’re both here for the same reason. Oh. And as it turns out, they’re each other’s soulmates too.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Bonus Features
Labeled Universe (A Superhero AU)
Sometimes Labels Fail: (Complete) Logan was good at labels, at categories. Logan sorted the citizens of his city into 6 different categories in his mind: heroes, villains, vigilantes, criminals, government authorities, and civilians, and knew how to deal with each. But… but what was he supposed to do with him. Virgil was just trying to survive, though he didn’t think the part of him that compelled him to throw himself into fights whenever he saw the superhero Bluebird struggling had gotten the memo. His English teacher was right; he really was stupid. When the villain criminal… when Shadow Caster gets injured while throwing himself into the line of fire for Logan, Logan can’t find it in himself to turn him over to be arrested. Luckily, he knows a doctor very, very well. Virgil is going to get kidnapped adopted by the end of it.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Bonus Features
Sometimes Labels Shift (Post Sometimes Labels Fail Stories)
Here’s a timeline for these fics with some commentary.
Mini Fic Series: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen Twenty Twenty-One Twenty-Two Twenty-Three
Two Dinner Plates: (Complete) A muscle ticked in Logan’s jaw and Virgil tried not to flinch. “We seem to be coming from fundamentally different philosophies on how food should be distributed in a family structure.” In which we finally actually talk about Virgil’s thing™ with food. It goes about how one would expect it to.
AO3 Tumblr
Back to School: (Complete) It’s Virgil’s first day back to school after everything and he has some adjustments to make.Aka a blatant excuse to enact the hug Virgil initiative.
AO3 Tumblr
Sticky Note Pandemonium: (Complete) There were also sticky notes on the kitchen counter, the refrigerator, Virgil’s backpack, and even the oven, not to mention every wall. There was even one sticky note stuck on Logan’s butt.His husband had gone on a rampage.
AO3 Tumblr
Arguments and other ‘A’ Words: (Complete) Logan and Virgil have a row. Virgil’s new family has a weird way of fighting.
AO3 Tumblr
The Things We Haven’t Talked About: (Complete) Patton and Logan have noticed some concerning behavior from Virgil in their month with him. Beyond the flinching and haunted look in his eyes courtesy of his last foster father, there’s something else of concern for Patton and Logan and they really aren’t equipped to deal with it. They enlist some help from a couple of friends.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2
Wind Symphony: (Complete) Patton and Logan are still trying to figure out how to be parents and are worried about strange behavior coming from their new son as of late. Logan takes measures to figure out what is wrong.
AO3 Tumblr
Coffee and Cinnamon Rolls: (Complete)  Remy meets his best friend/bosses new child and immediately has the must protect at all cost urges.
AO3 Tumblr
Virgil’s Birthday:  (Complete) Virgil has his first birthday with Logan and Patton and he’s going to get everything he ever wanted.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
Punishments: (Complete) Virgil gets into a fight at school. At home, everyone has to deal with their individual hang ups when it comes to punishments.
AO3 Tumblr
Family Game Night: (Complete) The boys have a nice family game night. Patton gets to deal with figuring out how to not let them cheat with their superpowers.
AO3 Tumblr
Family Science Night: (Complete) Dumb science nerd father and his curiosity-killed-the-cat idiot child play with electricity and superpowers.
AO3 Tumblr
We Need to Put a Bell on Virgil: (Complete) Patton and Logan lose Virgil.
AO3 Tumblr
Pumpkins, Corn, and Caffeine: (Complete) Remy steals Virgil to take him to a pumpkin patch. (A Labeled Universe Fic)
AO3 Tumblr
Vengeance is Soft: (Complete) Logan sighed. Patton was a wonderful man: kind, gentle, and empathetic. He listened and took into account other’s perspectives and feelings on every issue and always did his best to make people feel at east. Patton while sick was an absolute monster. | Patton’s friends and family deal with him while he’s sick and here’s the thing about Patton. Patton is a hypocrite.
AO3 Tumblr
First Week Fics: A collection of fics about Virgil's first week with Logan and Patton in the Labeled Universe.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2
The Importance of Practice: (Complete) Virgil attempts to perform a simple light manipulation trick during training. He fails. (?)
AO3 Tumblr
Lessons From a Book: (Complete) Virgil cannot get anywhere in his training. He guesses he finally manged to piss Logan off.
AO3 Tumblr
Divestment of Childhood: (Complete) Now, the thing about Virgil was, he knew how to sneak out of a house in the middle of the night. He was very, very good at it. If sneaking out of places was something one could go to college for, Virgil could easily get a PhD. He knew all of the tricks. He did none of these things.Virgil runs away from home.
AO3 Tumblr
Virgil’s Culinary Abilities: (Complete)  Patton’s running late so Virgil cooks dinner.
AO3 Tumblr
Relabeled; Refiled (Prequels to Sometimes Labels Fail)
Coffee Shop Meet Cute: (Complete) Is this what falling in love felt like or was Patton just about to pass out from exhaustion? Patton and Logan’s first meeting in the Sometimes Labels Fail Universe.
AO3 Tumblr
Coffee Shop Incident Report: (Complete) Patton and Logan’s first meeting in the Sometimes Labels Fail Universe, but what Logan put in his files about it afterwards.
AO3 Tumblr
The Things We Never Mentioned: (Complete)  “Believe it or not, academia and relationships are not mutually exclusive.” That was likely true, Logan knew. It was also not the problem. The problem was his ability to move things with his mind, a blue suit he kept in his bag, and the mountains of red files he kept hidden in his apartment. No one knew that Logan was Bluebird, the cities resident superhero. He hadn’t even told his parents and he wasn’t planning on doing so. Sharing such a secret with anyone was a danger to everyone involved. He refused to do so. At the same time, he knew that starting a romantic relationship with anyone who didn’t know the truth, was unfair to that person. Inevitably they would find out and there would be a disastrous fallout, but beyond that, starting a relationship on a foundation of lies was a horribly cruel thing to do to another person. These two conflicting rules Logan followed had never posed an issue for him before recently, but…But he did like Patton.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Logan’s 25 Step Plan to Ask a Boy Out: (Complete) “No! Logan look,” she said. “He likes you and you like him. You don’t need a list or a plan or schematics for this. Just walk up to him and ask him out before you hesitate so much that he thinks you don’t like him anymore.” | Logan’s eyes widened. “Is that something that can happen.” | “Oh god, this is hopeless.” | How is Logan so good at, but simultaneously so bad at this?
AO3 Tumblr
Facts on White Chrysanthemums: (Complete) Logicality first kiss in the Labeled Universe.
AO3 Tumblr
Gaps in His Files: (Complete) Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Epilogue
Remy’s Follow Up Questions: (Complete)  Remy sees Patton for the first time after the closet freak out.
Tumblr AO3
First Anniversary: Logan and Patton go on a trip for their first anniversary.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
Board Games: (Complete) “You’re really going to seduce me to win a monopoly game?” he asked.  | “Is it working?” Logan likes to cheat at board games. Especially at Monopoly.
AO3 Tumblr
The Origin Story of a Yapping Mop: (Complete) Virgil was not the first living creature Logan carried in his arms to Patton. This is how they ended up with a dog.
AO3 Tumblr
Illusory Records (Janus’ story (with a lot of Remus))
A Life That is Yours: (Complete) Decades before he was known the well-known and semi-respected vigilante Deceit, Janus makes a choice. He hopes it is good for the both of them.
AO3 Tumblr
Deceit’s Follow Up Questions: (Complete) So what, if his actions could possibly be construed to look like they were in some way related to helping Bluebird. Maybe an outside might think he was in some way angry about what had happened to the superhero, but that wasn’t what was happening. It just… hit a nerve; it wasn’t a big deal. It did not mean he liked the man. It barely meant he respected him. Ugh. When had he started respecting a superhero?
AO3 Tumblr
Illusions of Grandeur… Or Perhaps Just Illusions: Remus is training to be an undercover super-agent, but training is boring. So, being Remus he… finds some “fun” (read trouble) with the city’s resident vigilante.
AO3 Part 1
Other
Party Time Boredom: (Complete) Emile is bored at a party, but Bluebird suggests he go talk to a boy.
AO3 Tumblr
Roll the Dice Event
1. Buckets of Roses: (Complete) As far as anyone knew, Logan was supposed to be in class right now. Which begs the question of why and how Roman is now in his room with him. (“And now that I have explained why I am currently in my own dorm room, would you care to explain why you are here?” “Not, um, not particularly.”)
AO3 Tumblr
2. Touch Me Gently: (Complete) He had a total of four soulmarks: not an unheard-of thing, but rather rare. There were purple fingerprints on his wrist, looking like a day-old bruise from where someone had grabbed him too hard. What his mother had seen when he’d entered the kitchen was actually two soulmarks that overlapped slightly: a light blue one that darkened his lips and a yellow handprint that covered the lower parts of his cheek and jaw. The ring finger and the tip of the pinkie hit his lip, mixing with the blue to look like a sickly greenish-yellow bruise. What his dad had seen peaking out of the top of his t-shirt was a dark blue mark in the shape of fingers around his neck. Roman had been overjoyed when he realized what the marks were after the initial confusion. His parents had been a little less enthusiastic. (Roman meets his soulmates one-by-one and it’s not at all what everyone assumed when they first saw his soulmarks.)
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Bonus Features
3. Markups: (Complete) Roman leered down at him, clearly incredibly pleased with himself. “You,” he said as Logan did his best to swallow down the rest of his laughter, “have been criticizing my work all day. Which is basically like you’ve been criticizing me. So…why don’t I return the favor?” He wiggled the uncapped pen in front of Logan’s nose. “You wouldn’t dare,” Logan said lowly. (Logan and Roman do some editing.)
AO3 Tumblr
4. Moral Dilemmas: (Complete) “But that doesn’t make any sense!” he yelled.| “Patton,” Remus said evenly.|“It doesn’t!” he screamed turning on him viciously. “There’s a big difference between not being sad someone’s dead and… and… and no! No! I wouldn’t be okay with seeing someone I hated die. I wouldn’t!”| “Yes, you would,” Remus said, standing up himself. He pointed an accusatory finger at him. “You would! And you know you would! Do you think you are the only one who can get a read on another side when functions cross? Those thoughts in your head are my domain and I knew exactly what you were feeling when I asked that question!” Virgil was forcibly summoned immediately, eyes wide. Patton and Remus have a philosophical discussion and then will have to deal with the fall out.
AO3 Tumblr
5. You I’ll Come Back For: (Complete) They’d met in a jail cell, you see, but unlike now Patton had not been anywhere near trapped, not that Virgil had been aware of that fact. He’d just seen his sweet little cell mate who’d clearly not done anything to deserve being on that side of the bars. Virgil had said “What did you do to get stuck in this joint?” and Patton had started crying. It had taken zero lies and five hours for Patton to coax out the information he’d needed. He’d thought when he’d pranced up to the bars and told Roman he was ready to leave that the absolutely astonished expression which was quickly slipping into fury would be the last thing he’d ever see of the man whose crimes numbered enough to keep him in prison for the rest of his life. He’d escaped during his transfer to federal prison.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
6. The Horror of Stereotypes: (Complete) There had always been a certain stereotype about people like him for as long as anyone could remember. After the Heart War of 1963, those stereotypes had been legalized and places like this had been created to enforce the universal truth: everyone had a soulmate. One soulmate. No more and no less. At least they were supposed to. When Remus’s brother gets arrested because of his two soulmarks, Remus risks everything by infiltrating the facility he legally should be in as well due to his own two soulmates to save him. There he meets Logan and it turns out they have a lot in common: they both got hired this week, they both have two soulmates, and they’re both here for the same reason. Oh. And as it turns out, they’re each other’s soulmates too.
AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Bonus Features
7. Remains of Memories: (Complete) Patton is about to graduate high school. As his life changes, he figures it’s time to confront some memories with the people he loves.
AO3 Tumblr
8. Tea, Cookies, and Handcuffs: (Complete) Logan finds a strange man on his property and of course invites him in for tea.
AO3 Tumblr
9. A Mystery in a Mask (but Not Out of It): (Complete) Roman accidentally sleeps with a co-worker, but since his job is being a superhero and they all wear mask, he’s not sure which co-worker. Also Patton got kidnapped.
AO3 Tumblr
10. Pumpkins, Corn, and Caffeine: (Complete) Remy steals Virgil to take him to a pumpkin patch. (A Labeled Universe Fic)
AO3 Tumblr
11. Where Ghosts Live: (Complete) Logan meets three ghosts on the way to his destination. All of them have different things to say.
AO3 Tumblr
12. The Death of Benji (Complete) A crime has been committed in the mindscape. Patton and Janus investigate. Virgil semi-reluctantly helps.
AO3 Tumblr
158 notes · View notes
is0gild · 4 years
Text
Ice Cream and Fire Oven Pizza - Chapter 20
Pairing: Elsa x Lea/Axel || Side Pairing: Riku x OC
Summary: Modern AU. She's an introvert ball of nerves who works at Ice Palace, a mall food court ice cream shop. He's the outgoing, sassy goofball who works at the Pizza Planet across the way. Hilarity, snark, and fluffy romcom hijinks ensue.
Word Count: 10,096
FIRST CHAPTER || PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER
Credit for super friggin’ cute and super friggin’ amazing cover art goes to the super friggin’ talented ky-jane here on tumblr!
Tumblr media
Turns out once you've smooched a guy on the nose, things like holding his hand and other such minor displays of affection no longer seem so daunting.
Sure, even as I reached for his hand now, some small amount of mental self-cheerleading was still required in order to work myself up to it. And okay, the tiny flutter in my chest when my fingers brushed against his almost had me pulling back faster than you could say 'emotion-phobia.' But I didn't. And hey, this was way more than I could have brought myself to do even just a few short days ago. This was kind of huge for me, so I think I'd earned the right to take a little pride in my headway so far. Who knew, I just might pull off my half of this whole pretend dating deal yet.
Lea glanced down at my touch. Then he grinned, pulling my hand up to press a soft kiss to the back of it before setting it back down on the dinner table, his thumb trailing light circles along my knuckles. Picking right back up where he'd left off in the conversation, he said, "Oh yeah, GUMMI ships got all sorts of badass tech going on now, the likes of which would put both Star Trek and Star Wars to shame. Super, ultra, mega-laser cannons, impenetrable force fields, swarms of nanobots that can repair any and all damage just like that," he snapped his fingers. Lea then planted an elbow on the table and leaned forward to add in a conspiratorial whisper, "They even have defense systems in the form of giant, exploding space duckies."
Saïx gave him a flat look from where he sat on the other side of the table from us. "Not true."
"Sure it is!" Lea chirped, straightening back up in his chair. "I mean, how else are they gonna fight all those aliens out there?"
Propping my cheek in my free palm, I cocked an eyebrow at him as I felt an upward tug at one corner of my lips. "Aliens? As in little green men?"
"No, no, that'd just be silly," he waved off with a scoff. "As in lil shadow men. Creepy bastards with big, yellow eyes and twitchy antennae." Still holding my hand, he brought both of his own up to either side of his head, miming said antennae with his index fingers.
Closing his eyes, Saïx gave a low sigh into his wine glass. "Also not true."
Lea shrugged, "Oh sure, they're not all like that. There was that blue one they found over in Hawaii, what was its code name again… Experiment 626? Yeah, the government got that one covered up real fast. And don't even get me started on the total dreadnought that is Schwarzgeist lurking out there somewhere in the night sky that absolutely obliterated the USS Endymion."
"The sheer amount of not true you are spouting off right now is positively staggering," Saïx deadpanned, eyelids drooping as he dabbed his napkin to his mouth. "You really need to stop staying up late every night reading all those conspiracy theories out there on the internet."
Lips curling into an evil smirk, Lea said, "But how else am I gonna royally piss you off so much?"
That earned him a small scowl from his brother.
This was basically it. The whole evening in a nutshell from the moment I'd stepped foot into Lea's apartment. Like me, it seemed that Saïx was not much of a talker, at least not amongst strangers. Unlike me however, it appeared to have less to do with social anxiety and more like he just plain wasn't a fan of the whole talking thing and so only did it when he deemed it absolutely necessary. Which I could totally respect. It was just that between the two of us, it had a tendency to leave a bit of a void in the conversation every now and then. Luckily, it was void that Lea was only too happy to fill.
Saïx had been the one to cook dinner. It seemed that that was part of the breakdown of chores in their living arrangement: he usually handled supper while breakfast was Lea's job. Saïx and I had already emptied our plates by now while Lea was still working on his, seeing as how he was otherwise preoccupied with talking a mile a minute. The meal had been a very nice chicken bruschetta pasta paired with a red wine from a fancy looking bottle. The latter I'd thought to be a bit of an odd choice, as I didn't picture Lea being much of a wine drinker. But there he was, sipping away at it, pinkie raised as he did so for an added bit of flair. I guess he just wasn't picky and would drink whatever was put in front of him. I, on the other hand, had decided not to partake. Would rather keep a clear head during this bit of subterfuge we were playing out in front of Saïx.
The point was, there was wine. And wine equaled a wine tipsy Lea. And a wine tipsy Lea, as I was discovering, equaled a chatty Lea. The boy was already chatty to begin with, but this was an all new level. This was chatty on steroids. Needless to say, he was having no trouble whatsoever keeping the conversation rolling.
"Why are we even discussing the GUMMI space program again?" Saïx asked in his bored monotone.
Lea drove his fork down into his pasta, twirling it around. "You know you're always a total slut for outer space, man. The moon and constellations and all that crap is your jam."
"Yes, but our guest," he gestured towards me, "might not find the topic nearly so interesting."
Trailing a finger along the rim of my still full wine glass, I said, "Actually, I've been fascinated by the research their lead mechanical scientist Cid Highwind has been doing in the field of warping technology. With his help, it might not be long before our ships can travel to other solar systems."
Both men just blinked silently at me for a moment.
What? So I liked to keep up on current events by reading a news article every now and again online. It really was not a big deal.
Saïx was the one to speak up first. "Yes. It's said Highwind is hoping to have a working prototype in less than five years."
Do my eyes deceive me? Was that the hint of a smile ghosting over Saïx's mouth?
Oh wow, I think I'd managed to score some points.
...not that it mattered, of course. Since this was only a fake relationship, after all, so getting in the brother's good graces didn't really mean all that much to me. Not one bit. Nope.
Nuzzling his nose to my ear, Lea beamed, "Hell yeah! My baby knows shit!"
"More than you do at least," Saïx sniffed blandly.
Expression relaxing into a sly grin now, he shot back, "I know enough to know about an astral sea monster whose sheer mass is gargantuan enough to blot out the very sun, the terror of the cosmos, eater of spacecrafts and destroyer of worlds, the dreaded galactic space whale," he paused for dramatic effect before splaying a hand out before him as he intoned in hushed reverence, "...Monstro."
Saïx grumbled under his breath and facepalmed.
"By my count, that's the eighth time he's done that tonight," Lea stage whispered to me. "Just five more and I'll have beat my all-time record."
I gave a low hum of amusement. "I suppose it's important to have goals in life."
He snorted, returning his attention to his food as he scooped a forkful into his mouth. I noticed that he'd incidentally stained one side of his lips in the process and I had a brief flashback to a familiar scene of Sora and Kairi. Of the pair of them sitting in the food court and Kairi kissing away a similarly located blotch on her boyfriend. Now that right there had been a seriously advanced dating technique and one I was in no way ready to try out myself. You kidding me? I was still very much a beginner here and the very idea of trying to pull off such a maneuver already had my ears turning pink. That said, a newbie like me still had some options, especially with my newfound ability to make the first move and actually touch my (fake) boyfriend without completely spazzing out.
I tucked in my lower lip, hesitating briefly as my pulse thudded a little more loudly against my eardrums. But then I slowly lifted my hand.
Lea visibly stiffened as he felt my thumb brush at the corner of his mouth, wiping the smudge away. As I began to retract my arm however, he dropped his fork to snatch my wrist and stop me. I arched an eyebrow at him. He smiled back with hooded eyes. Then he gently tugged my thumb up to his lips and licked the sauce off it.
Breath hitching, I yanked my hand free of his grasp. His smile just turned smug as he winked at me.
Apparently, Wine Tipsy Lea had even less boundaries than usual.
As I wiped my thumb with a napkin and ducked my head to hide my boiling cheeks, I heard Saïx mutter, "One has to wonder what a woman of your obvious intelligence and sophistication even sees in an asinine clown such as my brother."
"Well let me think about it," Lea's eyes danced as he folded his hands together, steepling his index fingers so the joined tips touched his mouth. "Perhaps it's my devilish charm and debonair good looks?"
"Oh come now," he said cooly with another sip of his wine, "if you're going to be making things up, you should attempt to make them at least halfway credible."
"He makes me laugh," I suddenly heard myself saying. As both pairs of eyes turned towards me, I immediately felt self-conscious. I mean seriously, what a stupid, cliché thing to say. But that didn't make it any less true, any less… meaningful. I wasn't someone who laughed a lot. In fact, before I'd run out on my wedding, I could probably count the number of times I'd laughed in the last year on one hand.
Fidgeting with my fingers, I pushed forward, "He's sweet… and thoughtful. And genuine. He's not afraid to be himself. And because of that, I find it easier to be… myself... around him." Another thing that did not come easy to me.
As Lea slipped an arm around my shoulders so he could pull me closer and plant a swift peck to my temple, Saïx gave a soft harrumph, "Well, I guess there's no accounting for taste."
"Psst, Saïx," Lea lowered his voice, bending forward over the table and cupping a hand to his mouth. "The moon landing was faked."
With a heavy sigh through his nose, he merely rose from his chair and started gathering the plates and silverware together. As he reached for mine, I protested, "No, that's okay, I can take care of it."
"You're the guest," he said simply as he swiped it up in one smooth motion.
"Best not argue, otherwise he might unleash his berserker wrath on you," Lea sniggered to me. However, when Saïx next took his plate away (still with food on it), he snapped, "Hey! I wasn't done with that!"
"Then you should have eaten faster," he responded dryly.
He stuck his tongue out at him. "Oh yeah? Well the earth is flat." As Saïx turned towards the kitchen, the plates stacked in his hand "accidentally" smacked into Lea's forehead, forcing a small grunt out of him.
I hid a grin behind my hand as Lea pressed his fingertips to the fresh sore spot with a soft tch. Then he downed the rest of his wine as he stood up himself, gathering the other glasses between his fingers on one hand while balling up napkins together in the other. He looked at me, face brightening, "Why don'tcha go on and take a seat in the living room. I'll join ya after I finish helping Saïx clean up."
"Alright," I nodded. He used a hand (the one stuffed full of napkins) to pull my seat out as I stood and gave him a tiny smile before moving past him. Reaching the blue sofa, I moved some of its mismatched pillows to clear a space and took a seat on the far end, tugging the hem of my dress down to cover my knees as I listened to the sound of running water and clinking dishware coming from the kitchen.
I didn't have to wait long before the boys were rejoining me. Lea came bounding over first, plopping himself unceremoniously down onto the couch with me.
Leaving one whole cushion space between us.
I furrowed my brow over at him. However, I did not have to wonder for long at his unexpected seating choice.
For next thing I knew, he'd flopped over onto his side and was using my lap as a makeshift pillow.
My eyes widened and I jolted, one hand going to my chest. His cheek nestled against my leg as one hand went to my knee, his thumb tracing lightly along its top curve over the fabric. "Mmm… you're comfy!" he sighed contentedly.
It was official. Wine Tipsy Lea had absolutely zero boundaries.
Halfway into taking a seat into a maroon armchair to our right, Saïx stopped. Then he straightened back up to his full height with a tired, drawn-out huff. "Perhaps some coffee would be in order."
I gradually relaxed, my eyes crinkling as I glanced down at Lea with a resigned smile. He was like a kitten cuddling into my lap. A really big kitten. I half expected him to start purring. "Perhaps that might be for the best," I murmured in agreement.
My eyes lifted long enough to follow Saïx as he made his way back over towards their kitchen, long blue hair swaying behind him as he went. When I looked back down, I realized with a tiny start that one of my hands had taken it upon itself to start lightly stroking Lea's hair.
Huh. How did that cheeky little devil get there?
I should stop.
But it was just so very... soft. Softer than I remembered. So soft that it felt like I was doing something wrong, something… forbidden by daring to touch it.
...okay, I really, really needed to stop.
...ten seconds. Just ten more measly, innocent seconds, then I'd stop.
There was a low, pleased hum in Lea's throat as my fingers continued to slowly run through his fiery locks. Then he rolled over onto his back, capturing my hand with his to press a gentle kiss into my palm. It tickled and my heart stuttered as I felt a familiar heat creeping up my neck. He... did know Saïx was no longer nearby to witness this little production he was putting on... right? Then again, maybe Lea was too far gone by now to realize his brother had left the room and so was still on boyfriend autopilot. Cradling my hand to his chest just over his heart, his other came up to start fiddling with the end of my braid from where it hung forward over my shoulder as he grinned up at me. "Wanna know?"
My head tipped to one side, "...know what?"
"You said what you see in me, so now it's my turn. Wanna know what I see in you?"
I blinked at him. Then my eyes briefly flicked over to Saïx just beyond the island counter where he was filling a coffee maker with water. Could he hear us all the way over there? Hopefully… this might be good for show. With a low snort, I planted my elbow on the armrest next to me, propping my cheek against my knuckles as I dropped my gaze back to Lea. "Sure, why not? Go for it."
This should be good.
His grin twitched wider. "You're kooky."
...well I certainly wasn't disappointed.
Though that wasn't quite the word I would have expected out of him. In fact, not the word I would have ever expected out of anyone when used to describe me.
One of my eyebrows quirked. "I'm… kooky?"
He nodded, "Mm-hm! Most people don't know it, but it's there. Way, way deep down in here," he tapped a finger to a spot just below my collarbone before going back to toying with my braid. "Ya try to keep it hidden. Don't like people seeing that side of you for some reason. But I've caught glimpses of it. I like it. Makes me feel like I'm in on a secret no one else is. And you're fun. Hella smart, too. And so goddamn pretty."
"That so?" I muttered, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.
Wine Tipsy Lea was laying it on a bit thick.
Still… I was smiling despite myself.
"And that. Right there," he tapped a finger to my lips. "Your smile is gorgeous. Was the first thing about you that had me head over heels. I love being the one to put it there. Love being the one that can make you laugh."
Did I say a bit thick? Try instead a lot thick. Too thick. Like two metric tons too thick. Jeez, perhaps I'd be better off hoping Saïx couldn't actually hear all this. Even he might think it a bit too much to be believable.
Lea's eyes softened as he continued to stare up at me, his hand shifting over from my mouth to lightly graze his curled fingers against my cheek, leaving tiny tingles in their wake. "...I wish we were real."
Insert record screech.
E-E-Excuse me?!
My heart stopped. Like legit full on stopped. There were at least three full seconds there where if a medical examiner had checked my pulse, they would have probably declared me dead.
Lea froze, his whole body locking up. His eyes grew round and his face blanched, his expression now a perfect mirror of what I imagined my own must have looked like in that exact moment as he seemingly and immediately realized his mistake.
Now I definitely hoped Saïx couldn't overhear us! There seemed to be no reaction from over in the kitchen beyond the sound of water beginning to boil. Which was good. Maybe our cover wasn't blown and-
...and so not the point right now! The point was… was…
Ex-friggin'-scuse me?!
Wish we were real? What did that even mean? Real what? Did he mean that he wanted… that he wished he and I… that we were a… an actual, honest to god coupl-
No! No, I must have misheard. Yeah, that had to be it! He hadn't said… er… what I thought he'd said. No, what he'd probably actually said was, uh… was he wished we were… seals. Yeah, that's probably what it was! Seals were neat! And… and cute! I wouldn't blame him for wanting to be one, especially in his less than totally sober state! Or… or… he could have said that he… he fished… for Neil. Who was Neil, one might wonder? Got me! But you know what? Good for Lea, helping his ol' pal Neil out with fishing like that. Nice guy, that Lea. Such a giver, such a-
"TORS!" Lea suddenly shouted, practically making me jump out of my skin as he shot up off my lap and scooted all the way over to sit at the opposite end of the couch. He had a hand clasped over his nose and mouth, doing a poor job of hiding his reddened (wine flushed?) face. "Realtors! I wish we were realtors, is what I was trying to say!" he hastily clarified, shooting a weak chuckle my way.
I stared at him blankly.
Wha…? Realtors…?
Apparently, he wasn't done. "Yeah! You know, one of those power couples you hear about all the time! Partners in everything, from romance to real estate! That's some real lovey-dovey crap right there, don'tcha think? The epitome of passion! The sappiest dream to ever sap! The-"
"What inanity are you babbling on about now?" Saïx returned, causing me for the second time in as many minutes to nearly die of cardiac arrest. He was carrying two steaming mugs, one in each hand.
"Nothing! Not a damn thing! Nope! Total nonsense!" Lea said quickly, snatching up one of the cups and rapidly blowing on the coffee a couple times before knocking back the whole thing in one go. He pulled the cup away from his lips with a wince, probably suffering from a tongue that was now at least mildly burnt. Then he plastered on a grin, "You know how I get when I'm lost in the sauce, man. I start rambling off total bullshit that I don't even mean. Never. Mm-mm, nope, not one bit! Every word of it? Total garbage. Yup! Heh…"
I flinched back from the second warm mug that was suddenly being offered me. I'd barely had a chance to hold up my hand and shake my head before Lea was grabbing that one too, handling this one with smaller, more cautious sips.
...realtors.
Huh.
Okay, sure, why not?
Not like it was any crazier than any of the other explanations I'd come up with myself. Especially when you considered Lea was more than a little buzzed. People said nonsensical things all the time while under the influence. I'd know, I'd seen Anna in a state of three sheets to the wind on more than one occasion. You should have heard half the things she'd blathered on about at the time… adventures through magical winter wonderlands, talking snowmen, singing rock people, whole castles made of-
Shoot, Saïx was talking to me. Or rather, had been talking to me for a while and now seemed to be expecting some sort of reply. Still a little rattled, I scrounged together a flimsy but polite smile, "I'm sorry, what was that?"
One thin eyebrow arched ever so slightly at me as he cradled a fuming mug between his hands. Apparently he'd gone back at some point to get one for himself as well. "...I heard you were present during one of my sleepwalking episodes a couple weeks back. I hope I didn't give you too much of a fright."
"Oh! No! No, it's-" I got distracted as I felt Lea gingerly inching back over to sit beside me. Probably trying to salvage some semblance of the relationship pretense. However, his affections had become somewhat subdued, restricted now to only resting an arm along the sofa cushions behind my head and his knee brushing against mine as he continued to nurse the coffee. Regathering my train of thought, I tried again, "It's, uh… it's alright. Not your fault. Nor was I bothered by it at all. Just had to stay out of your way, is all."
"Still I-"
"Ya know what?" Lea suddenly piped up, plonking the now empty mug down onto the coffee table right next to the first one. "Sorry guys, but I think we gotta call it an early night! I'm beat! And I mean woof! Dog-tired!"
My eyebrows knit together as I glanced over at him. "...but you just chugged two full cups of coffee."
...what are you doing, you fool, shut up! He was probably trying to rescue us by putting a merciful end to what, as of the last five minutes, had officially become one royal disaster of an evening!
He bat a hand through the air, "That? Please, that was just to help sober my drunk ass up! Trust me, caffeine doesn't do jackshit to me when it comes to staying awake."
Saïx's mouth had settled into a flat line as his green gaze shifted back and forth between Lea and me. "Very well," he said finally, closing his eyes as he raised his cup to his lips, "I presume my noise canceling headphones will be a necessity while I work tonight."
I frowned. "Noise canceling…?"
Lea cleared his throat and gave a sheepish chuckle while scratching a spot behind his ear. "He, uh… thinks you're spending the night."
"Oh…" I said slowly before his words had a chance to fully sink in. Then they did. "Oh!" I repeated more loudly, eyes widening as I rocketed up to my feet, "You mean sex!"
...what the actual frick, mouth?!
"Which is a thing!" Apparently, I was only getting started. Panic mode was in full effect now. "A thing d-dating couples do! Which… which we are! Dating, that is. And a couple! Can't, uh… can't forget that part." Dear lord, where's a gag when you need one? "Which, I don't know w-why you would. Because clearly we're a couple. Yup! That's us!" Yeesh, at least when Lea had been yammering off nonsense, he'd had wine coursing through his veins. What was my excuse? "A couple! A couple who, ah…" Oh no. "...who have, er…" Don't you say it. Don't you dare say it. "...who have sex!"
I winced.
Just shoot me. Shoot me now.
"Oh yeah, lots and lots of it!" Oh great. There was more. "All the time! In all s-sorts of, um… places. My room. His room. Oh look," I pointed both my hands towards Lea's door, "there's his room now!" Make an excuse to leave. Any excuse. " I think we'll go in there now and make with all the sex!" Not that excuse! Pause, followed by tiny, nervous laughter from me. "Yup."
Then before I knew it, I'd bolted into said room, door crashing shut behind me. I pressed my back to it, clutching both hands to my mouth as I hyperventilated and trembled, eyes huge and unblinking as I stared off into space, registering absolutely zilch of what was in front of me now.
What.
Did.
I.
Just.
Do?!
You know what, cheeks? I won't even try and stop you this time. You go right on ahead and blush your nonexistent little hearts out. Fry my face to a friggin' crisp, for all I care. I won't judge. You have every right after… that. Whatever the heck that even was just now!
Oh gosh, had I really just gone on and on about, hrm… intimate relations? In front of Lea's brother? That... had to be... the most spectacular case of anxiety-induced word vomit to date from me yet! What was wrong with me? Who does that? No, seriously, I demand answers this instant, what in the everliving-
A soft knock at the door made me yelp and jump away, whipping around to face it, heart trying to jackhammer its way out of my chest. I was greeted by my own frazzled reflection staring back at me from the full-length mirror hanging there. My face could have been mistaken for a ripe, oversized tomato.
"...El?" Lea's muffled voice came through from the other side. "You might've, uh… kinda forgot something."
A crease formed between my eyebrows. Forgot something? No, I don't think so. I glanced down at myself, hands patting over my dress. Phone in pocket? Check. Shoes on feet? Check. No purse, I hadn't used one tonight. No coat, I'd thought it too warm out for it. My gaze settled on the door once more, eyes scrunching. "What did I forget?"
"...me?"
Oh.
Fudge.
After that, ah… stirring speech I'd just given out there a moment ago, it would certainly help drive the point home if I had him in here with me, wouldn't it?
After all, it took two to, ahem... tango.
As I reached a hand towards the doorknob, I realized I hadn't even locked it. Lea must have only been knocking to be considerate. A consideration I greatly appreciated, especially when you take into account that this was in fact his room that I'd taken sanctuary in. Taking a deep breath and expelling it slowly in one last ditch effort to calm my nerves, my still shaking fingers closed around the knob and twisted.
I cracked the door ajar about an inch, just barely enough for me to peek one eye through. Arms crossed and one shoulder propped against the doorframe, Lea tilted his head with a tiny smile, "Hey."
My gaze fell to my feet for a moment before flicking back up to meet his. "...hi."
"Can I come in?"
I hesitated for another heartbeat then nodded, pulling the door open further and taking a couple steps back. He turned his head to one side, calling out a quick, "Night, man!" to Saïx before walking in and closing the door.
Ah, awkward silence. Ye hath returned. Never could stay away from me for long, could you?
"So…" I hugged myself and decided to get into a staring contest with the floor. "...think he likes me?"
Lea snerked, folding one arm behind his back, hand hooking his opposite elbow as he leaned back against the mirror hanging from his door. "You kidding? He adores you. Practically ready to call ya sister-in-law."
I attempted a smile. It came across as more of a grimace. "Even after I was… all…"
"...smooth and cool as a cucumber?" he supplied, his voice chipper. "Absolutely! And you said you couldn't lie," he teased. "You handled that one like a total pro!"
...oh. Wow, he was right. Not about the "pro" part, obviously, but that I had lied. For the first time since this whole charade started, I'd told a straight out, bald-faced lie. It had been a monumental failure, to be sure, but hey… we all had to start somewhere. Guess I had to take my silver linings wherever I could.
"Gah, I should have just made up some sort of… of excuse or something." I started pacing slowly, eyes still downcast as I brought one hand up to chew on my thumbnail. "Said I couldn't stay because I had an opening shift tomorrow."
He shook his head, "Saïx knows you work at the mall with me, so he also knows I woulda happily driven ya over from here, even at the crack of dawn."
Frowning, I tried again, "Well then, I could have said that… ah! That you had an early test tomorrow so I shouldn't be keeping you up late!"
"Nah, he knows me too well," he smirked, waggling his eyebrows. "Knows I'd never let a lil thing like that stop me."
I blinked. Then I buried my face in my hands with a groan. "Oh god, I can never face him again. Not after that." Dragging my palms down to peek out between my fingers, I grumbled, "I'm guessing it's safe to assume he's retracted his 'woman of obvious intelligence and sophistication' comment." Ha. Showed what Saïx knew.
Shrugging one shoulder, he laughed, "I wouldn't worry 'bout it too much. Just another side of your kookiness that I mentioned earlier. 'Sides, he knows what a nervous, jumpy creature you are."
Up quirked one eyebrow. "...he does?"
"Well, he does now."
...fair point.
One that did not make me feel better.
"And look at the bright side," Lea continued. "It's good this happened here rather than in front of your folks! Now you'll be better prepared to handle it the next time it comes up."
My lips twisted sourly, "I guess so." As bad as this already was, it would have spelled utter disaster if that little freakout had occurred during the upcoming weekend with my parents. We're talking one epic catastrophe here, like meteor-taking-out-the-dinosaurs kind of catastrophe. Then again, I didn't particularly see this exact set of circumstances arising while I was around my family. Still… best to be on the safe side. I wrinkled my brow, "Better prepared… how?"
"Ah, well…" he pursed his lips to one side, tapping a finger against his other arm. "For starters… and I'm just spitballing here, but next time you could maybe just, ya know… not say the word sex repeatedly? If at all? I'm thinking this is 'less is more' kinda situation."
"...good call."
"Heh," he paused, rubbing his shoulder. "So... looks like we're bunkmates."
I lowered my gaze once more and brought my curled fingers up to my mouth, covering my deepening frown. "Yeah… looks like…"
I wish we were real.
Gah, why was I still even thinking about that?! Lea had already explained it, hadn't he? Realtors. The word he had actually said, had been in the middle of saying, was realtors. It was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just the ramblings of a guy who'd had a little too much to drink. Why was I still stuck on this?
My face must have been an open book. "Listen, I… meant what I said earlier," he spoke abruptly and my eyes darted up to lock on his. He averted his gaze and scratched his cheek, "You can't take anything I say too seriously when I've been drinking. Often my brain is just stringing random words together and spitting out the first arbitrary bullshit it can come up with. Like a toddler that's just learned to talk, regurgitating words it doesn't even understand just cuz it heard it from someone else at some point. Half the time, the things I say when I'm liquored up don't even make any sense." His eyes settled on me once more, this time accompanied by a weak smile. "So just don't be too… concerned about any gibberish that came blurting outta my stupid drunk mouth, 'kay? And you won't hear another peep of it tonight. Those two coffees are kicking in fast, so I'm much more clear headed now."
I tugged at my braid before folding my arms tightly together once more. "...okay."
And now onward to Act 1, Scene 2 of the award-winning and critically acclaimed musical: Awkward Silence.
"I have a lizard!"
My head rocked back at Lea's sudden declaration out of nowhere, both eyebrows shooting up my forehead. "...a lizard?"
He nodded eagerly, grinning big now. "Yeah! Wanna see? Come take a look!" He moved off to his left towards one corner of the room and for the first time I realized that there was a large glass terrarium situated on a long, low table in that spot. Lea squatted down next to it, waving me over to join him. I obliged and when I got close enough, he took hold of my hand and tugged me down into a crouch beside him. He squinted into the enclosure for a second, scanning all the rocks and plants inside before, "Ah-ha!" He pointed, tapping his finger against the glass, "There he is!"
And indeed, there he was, curled up inside a small, hollowed out log and blinking back at us. He was a tiny thing, all big eyes and blue skin except for the purple markings running down his back. "Oh wow," I slowly smiled, "you really do have a lizard. Why didn't you say anything last time I was here?"
"Cuz 'come into my bedroom so I can introduce you to my lizard' sounds a lil sketch, don'tcha think?" he chuckled, waggling his pointer finger up and down at his pet in greeting.
A soft snort. "Yeah, that might have earned you a dubious look." The critter crawled out into the open now, giving us a curious look. "Can I hold him?"
Lea flashed some dimple, "Course!" Straightening up, he moved the terrarium's lamps to one side before sliding out the lid and reaching inside, mumbling, "C'mere, Bruni." Picking the reptile up, he then offered him to me, "Now, the lil guy's usually shy at first but warms up quick and can be a bit of a flirt."
I stood as well, holding one hand out. Bruni cautiously put one stubby-toed foot on my fingers, eyeing me warily before fully walking the rest of the way into my palm. He was small enough to fit perfectly in it. Then he cocked his head up at me. I cocked mine back then hummed a low laugh, stroking a finger along the top of his head. That seemed to be all it took to win him over, for he then bellyflopped into a cuddle against my palm before rolling over onto his back.
"Bit of a flirt indeed," I murmured, rubbing his tummy with my fingertip. "What kind is he?"
"Salamander. Which, I know, technically not a lizard. But feels simpler most of the time just telling people that's what he is." He fell silent for a second, eyes crinkling as he watched us. Then he walked past me, saying, "Hey, welcome to my room by the way!"
I turned to face him and for the first time got a real good look at the place. If I had to pick one word to describe it, that word would be pandemonium.
Clothes were strewn about everywhere, covering floor and furniture alike - pretty much anywhere conceivable besides actually inside a dresser. Bookshelves stacked high with no rhyme or reason, textbooks next to movie DVDs (from action thriller to cornball classics) next to game CD cases next to vinyl records. Walls and ceiling plastered with posters, mostly of classic rock bands, but there was the occasional renegade: one here in which a dangerous looking man posed with an Assassin's Creed logo across the bottom, another one there depicting a grim reaper character dual-wielding sickles that looked to be from another video game of some sort. A queen-sized bed with black and red sheets buried beneath a mess of paper and more textbooks, along with a closed laptop and his shoulder bag tossed carelessly on top of it all.
And that was just barely scratching the chaotic surface. Needless to say, it was a lot to take in.
"Pardon the mess," he gave a rueful chuckle, scrambling to snatch clothes up off the carpet here and there to chuck into the laundry basket residing in his open closet, just under a black, full-length coat hanging from the rung in there. "Wasn't expecting any overnight visitors."
"It's, uh…" So many adjectives, so little time. As I searched for a word, I felt Bruni crawling up my sleeve. I kept an eye on him to make sure he didn't slip, but otherwise let him do his own thing. At last, I settled on, "...big."
"Yup! I got the masters! Comes complete with its own bathroom and everything," he jerked a thumb towards a second closed door on the other side of the room. By now, Bruni had found his way onto my shoulder and was snuggling into the crook of my neck. My fingers came up to pet along his spine. Narrowing his eyes on the salamander, Lea went on, "Surprisingly, Saïx prefers the smaller, cozier room. He's a minimalist, so not like he needs all that much space anyhow. Which works out for me, especially since I used to, er… heh, shall we say, host more sleepovers?"
I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth, but whatever I'd been about to say was forever lost.
For that's when Bruni did it.
He took the plunge.
Straight down into the neckline of my dress.
I yelped, arms crossing over my bosom. Lea's eyes widened, "Motherfu-" He lunged forward, hands outstretched before him like he had every intention of going down in there after Bruni. Then Lea froze, seemed to think better of it and instead folded his arms together, shoving his hands into his armpits as he looked away. "You, uh…" he cleared his throat, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, "...you okay?"
"Yeah. Just tickles a bit," I wrinkled my nose, trying not to squirm as I felt the little guy climbing around against my chest. Thankfully, it wasn't long before he moved over to start making his way down my sleeve. I gave my arm a gentle shake to help speed his progress along and eventually he came tumbling out into my palm.
"Sorry 'bout that," Lea scooped him back out of my hand into his, using the other to ruffle his hair with a tiny, bashful smile. "I know I said he was a flirt, but he's never been this brazenly forward before."
Shaking my head with a snerk, I said, "It's fine, really. Don't worry about it."
Walking back over to the terrarium, he turned a scowl onto the salamander. "And what do you have to say for yourself, young man?" Bruni just answered with a lizard grin, flicking his tongue out to lick his own eyeball. "Smug lil shit," Lea grumbled, setting him back down inside his home.
One corner of my lips twitching up, I turned to take another look around his room. Despite Lea's hasty tidying up, his carpet was still a disaster zone of shirts and other garments. As I began to carefully navigate it, I asked, "So how are we doing this?"
"Doing…?" I could hear the frown in his voice.
I looked back at him. "Sleeping arrangements?"
"Oh! That's easy!" Having now set the lid and lamps back into their rightful places, Lea walked towards me with his grin resurfacing. "You get the bed, I'll take the floor."
My eyelids drooped. "You can't sleep on the floor, that's ridiculous. It's your room."
"Exactly!" he started clearing the papers up off his comforter, gathering them all together and tucking them away inside one of the textbooks. "It's my room, so I'll sleep wherever I want in it! And tonight, the floor's looking pretty damn good!"
I huffed. "Enough with the chivalry already. I'll sleep on the floor."
He picked up his laptop and made his way over to a large mound of clothes. Oh wait. There was a desk hiding under there, or so I realized as soon as he started shoving all the shirts and whatnot aside. Placing the laptop down on top of it, he then shrugged back at me, "Hey, if that'll make ya happy, more power to ya. Doesn't change the fact that I will not be taking my siesta in that bed tonight."
A low harrumph in my throat. "Fine."
"Fine," he agreed, now opposite the bed from me as he hung his bag from a wall hook there. Then he squinted one eye at me, "So it's settled then. We're both sleeping on the floor. Like the couple of rational, mature, grown-ass adults that we are. While the perfectly good bed goes to waste. Cuz that makes total sense."
I shot him a deadpan look. "Alright, fine then. Bruni gets the bed."
He slapped his forehead, dragging his hand down his face with an exasperated laugh. "C'mon, El, will you just take the bed please? I won't be able to fall asleep if I know you're just curled up on the floor."
"Sounds like not my problem," I crossed my arms with a smirk. Oh-ho, that's right. I could be stubborn when I wanted to be.
"Woman! Just take the freaking bed before I throw you in the damn thing!" both his hands gestured in mild annoyance at said bed.
Scoffing, I turned my head to one side. "Please, it's the twenty-first century, your neanderthal tactics won't work on me."
Green eyes flashing, he said in a low, even voice, "They will if I make good on 'em."
My gaze narrowed on him now. "You wouldn't dare."
He bent forward, fists planted on the mattress as he gave me a tiny glare across it. "Wanna bet?"
My legs turned traitor and defected, sitting me down on the bed so quick, you would have missed the motion if you'd blinked.
"There now," his face immediately lit up like the first rays of sunlight at dawn. "Was that so hard?"
I made a little hmph in my throat, tucking my legs beside me as I smoothed my dress over my knees with as much dignity as I could muster. "I'll have you know that I chose of my own free will to take the bed tonight and it had nothing to do with any thinly veiled threats that may or may not have been made on your part." I unzipped my ankle boots, letting them fall to the carpet below with a couple of heavy thuds. "I mean, I am the guest after all, it's only proper etiquette that I sleep in the bed. I'm just making sure you're adequately performing your role as the host."
A soft snerk came from his nose as he kicked off his own shoes and spread his arms wide to give me a mock bow, "Well, thank you, Miss Manners, I dunno what I'd ever do without you."
"You're welcome," I sniffed lightly. It was nice of him to let me have this. I then felt the bed quake beneath me as Lea flopped down beside me, stretching out comfortably and cushioning his head with his arms. I blinked down at him. "...I'm sorry, did that conversation just end differently than I thought it did?"
He raised an eyebrow at me, "Hm?"
"Thought you were taking the floor."
"I am, but that's not until lights out. Right now, we're just chilling!" he beamed. But then his expression relaxed and he propped himself up slightly on his elbows, cocking his head at me. "This is okay, right?"
"Er…" I glanced away, gnawing on my bottom lip.
Yeesh, I seriously needed to grow up. This wasn't a big deal. Like, at all. So what if we were sitting in the same bed? Nothing to freak out about. I mean, sure, I'd never shared a bed with a guy before, not even my ex. Come to think of it, I'd never even been in a boy's bedroom before. But hey, there was a first time for everything. This would be fine. I would be fine.
"...yeah, it's okay," I finally responded. He frowned, not looking convinced. I put on my best brave smile and managed a tiny laugh, "Really, it's fine." Or at least it would be once we stopped talking about it. Wanting to move the conversation along to something else, I searched my brain for a new topic. "So… you and Saïx…" I drew my knees up, hugging them to my chest, "...do you always mess with each other like that?"
"Oh yeah, all the time," he chuckled, settling back down into his pillow and folding one arm back behind his head. "Nothing says you care like making the other person's life a constant living hell!"
Settling my chin down onto my knees, I snorted. "Remind me never to let you care about me."
"Too late!" he chirped. My eyeroll belied the tiny cartwheel my stomach was doing. "'Sides, all siblings are like that. I'm sure you and Anna have terrorized the crap outta each other more times than you can even count."
"Well yeah," I turned my head to look over at him, resting my ear to my legs instead, "but that was way back when we were children. We grew out of it a long time ago."
Lea grinned cheekily, "Oh really? I seem to recall a certain someone chasing her sister 'round the living room trying to straight up murder her dead not hardly more than a week ago."
Wow, had that really only been just last week? It felt like eons ago by this point. A soft noise of contempt huffed out through my nose, "Don't exaggerate. I didn't try to murder her."
"How did it go again? ...ah, I believe your exact words to her were, and I quote, 'dip you in liquid nitrogen, snap every frozen limb off your body one by one, and then I'll kill you.' That about sum it up?"
I pursed my lips to the right, "...there were extenuating circumstances."
"Heh," he stared up at the ceiling, "if ya say so."
I lifted my head back up, my arms loosening somewhat around my legs as I considered my next words carefully. "About Saïx… can I ask what happened?" Lea glanced back at me quizzically and I clarified, "I mean with…" I tapped a finger to the bridge of my nose.
"Oh, his scar?" he rolled over onto his side towards me, bracing his head in one hand. "Old battle wound from our time in the foster system. Same shithead who let us two numbskull brats play with a chainsaw. Negligent and abusive. Real winning combo there, huh?"
"You mean a foster parent did that to him? On purpose? That's terrible," I breathed, looking horrified.
"S'okay," he gave a one-shouldered shrug, then smirked wickedly. "I retaliated by burning his house down."
My eyes widened, "Did you really?"
Lea sighed, "Unfortunately, no, but not for lack of trying. Only managed to set a bed ablaze and blacken a few curtains before the fire department showed up."
I stared at him blankly. "I am just... simply amazed that you survived long enough to make it to adulthood. Either of you."
He blew out an amused pft through his teeth. "Yeah, Saïx and I were definitely prime candidates for the Darwin Awards growing up. Told ya, we were lil hellions forged straight from the fiery pits of El Diablo. Hey, speaking of Ol' Bullseye over there..." he trailed off as he suddenly sat himself up.
"Bullseye?" I asked, arching an eyebrow his way while watching him fold his legs beneath himself so he could stand on his knees atop the mattress.
"Ya know. Mr. X-Marks-The-Spot," he tacked on by way of explanation, abruptly shoulder-slamming into the wall behind us just above his pillows and making me jolt.
...the heck?
"...you mean Saïx?" I furrowed my brow, wincing as he followed it up by crashing his elbow against the wall next. "Aren't those nicknames a bit… mean?" My question was punctuated with another loud thump.
Seriously, what on earth…?.
"Nah, he likes it." Whack! "Knows they're terms of endearment." Bang! "Only from me though. Anyone else ever even so much as thought about calling him anything like that, I'd make sure next time they turned up would be in a bodybag." Whump! "'Sides, you should hear half the shit he calls me, especially when he's royally ticked." Thwack! "This one time, he-"
"Wait. Hold it. Stop," I held up my hands, eyes flicking back and forth between him and the wall. "...what exactly is it that you are doing?"
"Huh?" he stilled, blinking at me a couple times. "Oh this?" his shoulder rammed into the surface once more. "This is the wall I share with Saïx's room."
...well okay then, sure, that totally and one hundred percent cleared up my utter confusion and lack of comprehension.
Not.
"Alright," I said, stretching the word out. "And so…?"
"So he's come to expect a certain level of enthusiasm on my part whenever I'm entertaining a lady friend," Lea winked and clicked his tongue before once again striking the wall.
"Oh?" I frowned down at my hands. Then it clicked with another louder, "Oh!" Followed by a slower, more quiet, "Oh…" Cheeks warming now, I looked back over at him, "You mean you… that is, against the wall, you've… oh." A pause while my eyes shifted about in my awkwardness. "But wouldn't the headboard get in the-" I stopped, glancing back over my shoulder and answering my own question. "Oh… oh, I see. No headboard. Got it. How very, er..." I cleared my throat and ducked my head to my knees, muffling into them, "...very practical."
I heard him snerk as the beating the wall was taking continued. "You're funny when you're flustered, ya know that?"
My face cranked up the heat dial even further and I scowled.
If you listened closely, the signs of a very steady, very distinct rhythm to the pounding could be heard beginning to take shape.
...I needed to stop listening so closely.
My eyebrows knit together as I then remembered something. "Wait… didn't Saïx say something about noise canceling headphones?"
"Well yeah, so he's not hearing any of this, but he can still see whenever any of the crap on his shelves or any framed pictures or anything else that might be up against his side o' the wall shakes from the impact," he shrugged, halting to puff out a noisy breath and wipe his forehead with the back of his hand. Apparently, he was working up a sweat. Then he grinned brightly, "This is actually kinda fun! Wanna have a go at it?"
I shot him a flat look. "...I think I'm good, thanks."
"You sure?" Another slam. "It's actually pretty satisfying. One might even say cathartic. Got any pent-up aggression you gotta work out?" And another, this one taking the form of a punch. He immediately regretted that one, eliciting a pained hiss as he shook out his now reddening fingers.
"Yeah, no," I rapidly shook my head, "no pent-up aggression here. Fresh out." Insert weak chuckle at my lame joke that was neither funny nor an actual joke.
"Suit yourself," he laughed, smacking the wall hard with an open palm this time. Then his back snapped straight and his face lit up, "Oh yeah! Before I forget…" he pivoted to his left, reaching into his messenger bag he'd hung up earlier and rooting around in it.
I snorted, "Done already?"
"Just giving that wall a breather," he said, not looking up from his searching. "We've found some other surface to bear the brunt of all our lovemaking for now, but we'll probably be back to this one later."
Oh gosh. Way to go, mouth, you just had to ask, didn't you? Just when my cheeks had begun settling down too.
"Ah! Found it!" he triumphantly pulled something out of the bag. Flopping back down to once more lay flat on the bed beside me, he held it out towards me, "Pour vous, ma petite amie jolie."
I squinted at the booklet in his hand. Or more precisely, a catalog. "Twilight University?" I read the bold lettering as I reached out to take it, staring at the image on the cover of a handful of young adults gathered around in a small circle of desks and looking photogenically excited about education.
"Yup! It's the course listings for next semester at my college. Lookie here," he opened the booklet up, leaving it propped in my hands as he started thumbing through it quickly. "Ah, there!" he stopped on a page, resting his head on my shoulder as he pointed to one of several listings that had been circled here. "They offer a few different introductory drama classes ya might be interested in."
I blinked down at the catalog as vague memories of a conversation I'd had with Lea last time I was here to help him study started coming back to me. "...you remembered?" I asked quietly.
"'Course!" I could feel his cheek pull into a smile against my shoulder. "It seemed important to you, so how could I forget?"
Honestly? I myself had forgotten. But to be fair, I had had a lot on my mind the past couple weeks, what with suddenly having a boyfriend now (pretend or otherwise), trying to figure out how to make a proper show of being a girlfriend, and stressing out over the all too soon to come visit with my parents. Frankly, my life had been turned upside down as of late and had become the very definition of insanity. There had just quite simply been no time to think about childhood fantasies of singing and performing in musicals.
But I guess… right here, right now in Lea's room, I had a bit of a reprieve. I mean, it's not like there was anything exactly pressing at this very moment, nothing that couldn't wait until tomorrow at least. I suppose I had a few seconds I could spare to entertain the thought. It couldn't hurt anything…
"...so where is Twilight University exactly?" I stretched my legs out to lay flat on the mattress, crossing my ankles and resting the open booklet down in my lap. "Is it close to my apartment?"
He hummed low in thought. "Probably a bit too far if you're on foot. But maybe we could carpool there. And hey," he lifted his head to glance over at me, "I still got a free elective course or two that I need to take. I could enroll in the class with ya!"
I felt a grin tugging at one corner of my lips as I looked back down at the catalog, absently trailing my fingers down one of the circled paragraphs. "I think I'd like that…"
"Yeah?" he asked softly and for a second I thought I might have sensed him leaning in a little closer. But it must have just been in my head, for now he was pulling away to flop over onto his back on his side of the bed once again, making a small cough into his fist. "I, uh… talked to my friends too. The ones who run the local community theater. You're in luck! They're between shows at the moment and are actually gonna be holding auditions soon for their next one. Sometime this week, I think. It's a musical too!"
"Really?" I returned my gaze to him, closing the booklet but using a finger to hold the page. A sigh then escaped me as I worried my bottom lip between my teeth, "I don't know… I doubt I'm ready for anything like that."
Lea shook his head with a chuckle, "Ready for what? Just to talk to 'em? It's not like you actually hafta audition or anything. Nah, you can just head down, meet them, get some deets… maybe find out the where and the when so you can go and just watch other people tryout, ya know? Just get a feel for it, if you want."
He made a good point. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. I could go and just ask some questions, that's all. Surely, there would be no harm in that. "Maybe…"
"Well if you do decide you wanna drop in for a lil chat with them, their day job is over at Halloween Town in the mall. They should both be on the clock there around noon tomorrow. Ask for Jack or Sally and just tell 'em I sent ya," he jabbed a thumb into his chest with a big grin, "got it memorized?"
"Jack or Sally… okay," I nodded, responding with a small smile of my own. "I might do that. Thanks, Lea."
"Always happy to be of service! Now," he hopped up off the bed and made his way over to one of his shelves that was pure anarchy incarnate, "whaddya think? You up for a movie?"
The corners of my eyes crinkled and I set the catalog aside on the nightstand. "I could be. What are the options?"
He rubbed his chin, scrutinizing the mess crammed into the rack before pulling out a couple DVD cases, one from the top shelf and the other from somewhere in the middle. He held them up in either hand for me, "I'm thinking either Sixteen Candles or The Labyrinth. Thoughts?"
I looked between the two choices. Then my eyes scanned about the room and I frowned. "I'm thinking it's going to be hard to watch either of them without a TV."
"Without a-?" he blinked a couple times, looking over to his right. Then he sighed, "Hang on a sec," as he tossed the movies down onto the foot of the bed and made his way over to another towering pile of clothes against the wall directly across the room from his bed. "Watch and be amazed as I make a flat screen appear outta thin air in three… two…" he whipped the garments aside with a flourish, revealing the television beneath, "Ta-da!"
"Ah," I gave a polite clap and settled more comfortably down into his pillows, "I stand corrected. Though who needs movies when we have your amazing wizardry to keep us entertained?"
He scratched the back of his head, "Heh, it'd be a short magic show. 'Fraid I just got the one trick up my sleeve."
"Too bad." I paused, eyeing the DVD cases. "Make it a double feature?"
He snapped his fingers and snatched them both back up.
"Girl after my own heart. Pure genius."
Tumblr media
Author's Note: Ah, yet another classic cliché for the books: our couple encounters one room, one bed for the night xD Also, fun fact: I started out this chapter stumped for what they should be talking about over dinner. Then I asked my bestie, who simply said: "gummi ships." And I just laughed it off at first, all "naw, that wouldn't make sense for this AU." But then it churned in my mind for a few minutes and I was like "wait… no… I think I can make this work…" And thus the Global Union for Multigalactic Mobility Investigation aka GUMMI Space Program aka NASA rip-off was born xD And further thus, Lea being an alien conspiracy-nut JUST for the sake of pissing of his space-loving half-bro was born xP Anyhoo! For those of you who haven't seen Frozen 2 yet (for shame, it's SO good, I demand you go out and watch it THIS INSTANT), Bruni the salamander is from that! He's a fire spirit in the movie with legit fire powers, so I got excited to give the fire boi a fire lizard for a pet! Also, maybe you can start to see the inklings of actual plot starting to sneak back into this story xD Slowly, we'll get back on course, but not before at least one more hijinks-y misadventure takes place… hehehe…
What does the next chapter hold in store for out couple? What new challenges could their budding fake relationship face? Is Elsa really going to pursue any sort of acting class or community theater? Will Lea ever follow his realtor aspirations he seemed so passionate about? Stay tuned!
Thanks for reading, I super duper appreciate it! And an extra BIG thank you to those of you who’ve liked, reblogged, and followed so far, seeing those lil notifications always brings the biggest, goofiest smile to my face!
FIRST CHAPTER || PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER
16 notes · View notes
incomingalbatross · 4 years
Note
Met online asks: the Psmith series, predictably?
I am at long last getting to this! (and what, no, I wasn’t expecting this one at all... :P )
So I think what stymied me here is that... Mike is almost certainly a lurker online. I can imagine Psmith being a Personality easily, but Mike probably spends his time in the internet as inconspicuously as he can. And they need to meet as equals, obviously, so you can’t have just one be Internet Famous at the start...
BUT. Once I started typing, it worked out pretty well!
So here we go:
Mike has Facebook and Twitter and so on, partly for keeping up with IRL connections but mostly to keep up with cricket and his brothers. Tweets almost exclusively about cricket (though also about TV shows he’s currently into), actually has followers who don’t know him IRL because he has Informed Takes
His Twitter account is old enough that it’s not connected to his real name, and he doesn’t identify himself either because he doesn’t like the notoriety of being the Youngest Jackson Brother when he’s not even playing... what do you even call it? Do you call it playing pro cricket, nowadays? You know what I mean. He’s probably still in high school
So yeah his online presence isn’t explicitly connected to the rest of his family’s. His brothers follow him, but they’re not very active on Twitter, and personal communication in the Jackson family is mainly over group text, so the fact that they’re related doesn’t really show
Psmith, meanwhile, has a Twitter account that jumps randomly from topic to topic, depending on whatever the heck he’s thinking about at the moment. It’s constant Psmith Monologuing thrown out into the void, just what the internet was made for
His Twitter display name is Psmith and his handle is something like @ therealpsmith. No one’s sure if it’s supposed to be his last name or if his name is P. Smith or what.
(It feels weird making up Twitter accounts for them in response to an ask from you... but this AU has different goals and so I do need different Twitter presences for them. And I can’t see Mike on Tumblr at all, so that’s not an option)
Since this is an AU, I think they can initially connect over cricket. Psmith follows Mike first, and tends to retweet a fair amount of his cricket takes with his own added commentary. After enough of this (since Mike isn’t so high-profile that he doesn’t notice a new regular interacter) Mike goes and checks out his Twitter
It’s not all cricket and a lot of it is diatribes about whatever’s annoyed Psmith today. But they’re witty and entertaining diatribes, and Mike ends up following him
Before long Psmith starts up a long thread about something Mike’s already been stewing over--a plot development in a TV show they both watch, maybe? Not sure
But anyway Mike starts commenting/retweeting/arguing with other people who disagree, because the thing in question is Stupid and Wrong and the fact that people think otherwise bothers him on a personal level
And then Psmith DMs him like “The cricket connoisseur has come to my aid! I am gratified by your assistance,” and then starts talking to him, personally, about why the thing is Dumb and Wrong
From this they start chatting/interacting more regularly. Mike is, obviously, less loquacious than Psmith, and I don’t think their friendship solidifies quite as quickly as in canon just because they aren’t doing things together, but they still click
At some point Psmith’s bemoaning the fact that he’s so constrained by Twitter’s character limit (unlike Mike, who is “the strong, silent type, admirable suited to the medium”) and starts talking about how to fully express himself he should really have a podcast
Mike: “Why don’t you, then?”
Psmith: “You are right. Why not? Here we see the strength of a true man of action--direct and to the point. Why SHOULDN’T I start a podcast?”
Annnd then he ropes Mike into doing it with him so he’ll have someone to talk to. Mike insists, however, on only using his first name, because he doesn’t want this to reflect badly in his brothers if it goes horribly wrong
So they start a nominally-about-cricket (since that’s their biggest shared thing) podcast, called simply “Mike and Psmith”
(There’s probably a joke somewhere in their eventual fanbase about it being “Mic and Psmith,” since Psmith’s doing 80% of the talking)
Between their dynamic and Psmith’s ability to talk, it’s surprisingly successful--it bounces all over the place, topic-wise, but they’re just fun to listen to
While they’re not, like, Buzzfeed Unsolved levels of well-known, they get a decent-sized fanbase
(There’s a long-running fandom debate over whether Psmith is actually Like That or if the show’s scripted. It will probably never be permanently resolved)
They also start a YouTube channel for playing video games and so on--partly because listeners wanted to see it, but partly because they just like hanging out and doing stuff together
Mike has not told his family about any of this, BTW, because he’s too self-conscious about being mildly internet famous, but one day Margery stumbles across the show. He’s in for a lot of teasing
I honestly don’t know how they meet IRL--I’m torn between A) them just video-chatting eventually, learning each other’s actual names, and meeting up at a cricket match, and B) them meeting coincidentally, in some completely different capacity, and recognizing each other by their voices
Either way, though, once they meet they keeping meeting and eventually end up room/flatmates once they both move away from home (if Mike’s planning to play cricket, would he go to college? Would modern Mike be planning to play cricket for a living? I don’t know these things so I’m leaving that vague)
“Moving in with someone you made friends with online” is not always a recipe for success, but it works out for them. They were already best friends, but now they can actually do stuff together! It really just solidifies their friendship for good
(Not that there isn’t friction--the number of Shenanigans Psmith drags Mike into has vastly increased, for one thing--but it all works out, in the end)
Their podcast is an essential part of their routine, by now. I’m not sure how it develops over the years, but it stays pretty low-key... the core of it is still just two best friends hanging out, and that works
(At some point in the future, the cast may expand to "two best friends and their wives, who are also best friends,” but that’s another story, and one I don’t know well enough to say for sure)
19 notes · View notes
eduards-stuff · 4 years
Text
Welcome to eduard 1 am ramblings
I was recently watching videos on YouTube and seeing a video of a couple meeting through vr and all the struggles they been through and just meeting people in vr.
I started to thin the line between reality and virtuality is cuz as technology progresses and people have like full body tracking with haptic feedback so you can feel peoples touching you and who poked your back the line really starts to blur.
You meet all of these people you interacts with them and some you may start to connect and start a bond with or a date as some do.
And the more you spend time the morr you get attached to things.
At some point I could see people get possibly more attached to the avatar than the real life if there are maybe huge differences because we start associating that imagine or avatar as the person we are everyday and see laugh and act and speak so i could totally see someone get attached that way.
If you have a tiny stylised girl with like ears of a fox and a tail in a specific outfit like a leotard or something aesthetically pleasing and after like months of speaking to her like that you transition to the real life or on a discord call and she's not the "image" you imagined I can kind of see a sort of disconnect between perceived desire of what youd like she to look like and the reality as there is no way the certain avatars to exist so there could definitely be anxiety about it and confusion.
The more vr becomes morr used in gaming and hanging out especially in quarantine I could totally see how it will be used as escapism cuz you can touch people in vr without having to worry about distancing and so much more especially bond intimally.
There are people Who post as girls and try to make it as realistically as possible even with voice modulators it seems.
Imagine the hurt if you had someone you were very interested in and it turned out not only they lied to you but also played along and could maybe discard it all once the facade is up.
Especially in the times of corona losing that type of deep emotional connection in times of need can really mess someone up.
As on the virtual reality it seems we are somehow more vulnerable as some of the social bariers are down as we aren't exactly at shame and at risk with some anonymity but somehow the connection people do are a lot deeper
Been single for a while and wirh the quarantine had been a lot of things that I though of . Soft things, things to do to experience and share wirh someone I really liked and do all sorts of cheesy things too.
I would actually enjoy a candle lit and full moon dinner or something cuz I'm that kind of soft weak bitch whose thst extra
Or something simple or special at home as I also enjoy cooking but and if it makes someone feeling happy would feel like the effort is worth it.
Another thing that would be really nice to do is go to the bitch and have a picnic there bring some food some blankets and pillows in a rent pick up truck
And see the sea/ocean have some food and some drink if the situation call for it and have a projector and warch a movie or some pictures collage that can be set up between the 2 of them.
And then look for a star shower or some kind of cosmic event cuz space is cool!!
While writing like stories and role-playing as specific characters I definitely thought of and found out a lot of these amazing scenarios that I could totally make if the right opportunity arises all in a notebook for like date ideas but thise never really came to be used as I never found someone interested to share these in real life so there' are just bubbles of hope that is like one day to materialise
Maybe some of these some peoppe can do in the virtual reality but then the parting becomes even more painful and the disconnect between reality and fiction becomes even more as we spend more time and are engaged in vr
So would it be worth it ?
To see it possibly be ruined?
What is reality more than just a lot if facts and observations we do for ourselves
I know right I'm 14 and this is deep shit but it does feel kind of true
As at some point you will be able to have full dive vr and actually live 2 totally different lives and possibly love the ability to differentials it anymore
As you start to wonder does your love for someone connected to them or the avatar thay they are acting as ?
As avatars don't really have flaws or imperfections and can be meticulously designed to look like the person you wanna appear as.
You still made those choices and hard work to appear as that thing and the choices of designs you did are yours but the imagine may not always correlate to you when someone looks at them.
Really odd thing how the human psychology does that thing of bonding to ideas an perceptions.
I sure hope a lot of people got what they deserved and wished for cuz it seems like the level of deep hurt not a lot of places can reach
I think this is it for now quite a long ramblings that I've been doing by myself or just spewing to a friend about and left it in the ether but I thought would be maybe healthier to try to find another way of channelling my thought
Or some kind of fixation right now through this writing and sort some of process what i am thinking right now cuz sometimes it is a mistery to me even what i am about to type next as it Jus r flows one word after another without much in mind .
My mind being very empty right now but yeah I should end my ramblings here and scream them into he good and find a different kind of coping mechanics and not rely on someone listening and Just continue screaming into the anonymous void and hope someone understands what I'm saying and I'm not try my insane as I think I am.
Sometimes I have the feeling I really am just predictable and the 1 note but sometimes I surprise myself with emotions being complex and not knowing what to do but to just I guess pine for someone to do amazing things wirh but I know that may or may not come and I'll just have to accept that as it is or try to change that myself in some way
But as far as I'm aware there are a lot of way to do that and find a way to find comfort on someone as social standards and pressure don't let you just walk up to people and say hi or much.
If someone's reading this as I'm screaming into the void you can always reach put and talk and have actual deep conversation.
I think what i may be feeling is what a lot of people have been feeling but more accentuated as I didn't had a place to go in my town as there literally not much to do than go to my library and read a book or take a walk but now not even being able to go there even the rare times I went still affects me and feeling isolated and alone on an island with no one next to them.
I think we all felt like that over the course of 2020 which really sucks the more it goes especially with school starting
I really hate that corona csme exactly when I has hope and plans to go in exchange wirh another person in uni and life somewhere else and meet new people tried so hard at exams to be sure I will be able to go only to be slowly crushed ad corona changed it all and into rejected by then and not being able to join to other places so i just lost the train.
These are the moments I overfixated on things and can talk about them for like 20.000 words before crashing and ssying words like they are knives of sharp air going out of my throat for the next 8 hours after this extensive monologue.
Monologue which seemed to go for ages but we all need a place and a way to express whatever you feeling cuz we all need therapy in 2020 I needed way before that in 2012 but only realised like 2 years ago .
So there we go we all need help and it's okay to just talk about it and just get lost in the sea of posts that hopefully somehow won't end up biting me in the ass somehow back.
If someone was interested enough to psychoanalyse this sheet of had the patience please tell me cuz I'm also dieing to know what made you so bored to do this and what you can interpret from this rambling at what guess what now I've been typing for like 15 minutes quite a feat .
I wonder if Tumblr posts have a limit in character usage I don't know I guess will find out soon shouldn't we at some point well reach it . I should probably go to bed now my moms keep nagging me to go to bed I should finish this and go good night thank you if you somehow got to this 10 k word essay rambling and go to the end I don't know how you had the patience to read though my possibly adhd and hyperfixation ass you're a dsmn legend.
Well see ya good night
1 note · View note
cynnymonsnaps · 5 years
Text
Let the Tides of Change Come
Pairing(s): Carlos de Vil/Jane/Oc, Ben/Mal, Evie/Doug, Gil/Jay
Word Count: 2,062
Summary: Sometimes the power to rewrite things comes in the form of jumping right into the Descendants universe and giving everyone a piece of your mind.
Doug's stereotypical nerdy band kid shtick? Out the window it goes. The adults not knowing how to do anything right? Not on my watch. Kids being stuck on a prison of an Island? You're all coming with me now.
For Micha, they've taken on the grueling task of heading to the surface to help teach the kids of Auradon and the Isle that it's okay to talk things out and to not give into the rules and expectations of the older generation.Will someone at least give these teens a moment to breath in between saving the kingdom please? Jesus.
[This series goes through all three movies as well as the main events of the books to fix some of the unexplained happenings in the timeline. A very long winded story to fill the void in my heart of there being no more Descendants. *sobs*]
Warnings: Mentions of drowning.
A/N: Posting this on tumblr too so it can reach more people, but welcome to my new series!  I’ve already got all the plot laid out in a doc on my computer so it’s all a matter of time to sit down and actually write the beast. Anyways, enjoy!
          From the darkened gloomy waters emerged Uma, daughter of Ursula, dressed to the nines in golden sea themed jewelry and a sequin dress with the Isle of the Lost behind her. Seeming to notice the camera she turned towards the screen, swaying to the waves of the ocean with a sneer across her lips. “What?” The teal haired girl who leaned in closer, her golden seashell necklace glowing in the night. “You didn’t think this was the end of the story. Did you?” She gave an evil cackle before slowly sinking back into the murky depths of the sea, leaving no trace of her in sight. Before I knew it, the screen faded to black and the credits were rolling as a cover of “Kiss the Girl” played. From the comfort of my wheelchair I lazily watched the credits all the way through, having watched the movie multiple times to know it was the end.
           I loved the Descendants series with all my heart. From its catchy music, to it’s colorful and eye-catching costume design, to the characters who grew alongside me as I aged. Even through all its little plot holes and Disney-ified solutions I had stuck with the series for a whopping 4 years, never losing the passion I always had for it. There was something about the concept of the next generation of Fairy Tale characters and sticking them in a multiverse that was so eye catching. It was the same reason I liked Every After High, RWBY, Once Upon a Time and the many other iterations of the same concept. Which was why I felt pretty frustrated with Disney and how they wrote some of their characters. True, Descendants was marketed to a children’s audience, so there had to be some liberties taken and some things had to be dumbed down, but I wished they had done more with the story and its characters. There were so many ideas that could’ve been bounced off, it was almost a goldmine of storytelling.
Take Doug, son of Dopey, for example. He was always portrayed as a nerdy band kid who didn’t know how to get the girl he liked without being creepy and clingy. He had very plain fashion sense and hardly ever spoke to help the plot in anyway. A basic throw away character in all reality. I could see through, that Doug was just as silly as his father in his own story and always seemed to pop out more when dance scenes come on. He would move his body in a way that seemed like there was a firecracker that wanted to be let out, sharp moments here, exaggerated expressions there. The boy knew how to have fun and it was such a shame that the writers hadn’t let it shine through his personality or lines. Such a waste of material.
I had much hope that Descendants 3 would somehow right these wrongs though. The release date was nearing, and I’ve been saving myself from any spoilers like the trailers or any music videos that Disney released. I wanted to have a fresh pair of eyes when I dove straight in. And if anything, I knew that I’d have a fun time just experiencing the last movie in the trilogy.
           Stretching out my tired body, I got up to look at the digital clock on the table. A bright “2:00 AM” blinked back at me and I knew it was time to head to bed. I was always a night owl, so it was common for me to stay up until the early morning, but the premier was only a few days away and I needed to fix my chaotic sleep schedule before then. How else could I watch along with the cast all the way through? Closing everything off I gave one last yawn before headed to bed and falling into the soft sheets. Drifting to sleep faster than I expected, I hadn’t even realize anything was amiss when I felt the brush of liquid surround me. It was when I felt the water gently rise when I furrowed my brows in confusion. “Funny. For a dream this kind feels a little too real.”
I tried to open my eyes to wake up, but found a heavy force keeping them shut. “Huh?” Trying to move my arms this time, it felt like no matter how hard I tried to raise them, some sort of pressure was keeping them locked to my sides. Alarm bells were ringing in my head and I felt panic rip through me as the water rose faster. “Fuck! Is this how I’m gonna die? Death by drowning in my sleep?” With my effort to break free failing and the feeling of water rising almost past my face, I couldn’t help but take in a deep breath before fully being submerged. The whole situation filled me with dread as I was left helpless with nothing to do but wait for the end to come.
But it never did.
-
In my wait I could hear the distant muffled call of a name above me.
“-ha”
A sense of relief washed through me as the voice called out again seeming a little closer than before.
“-cha.”
If only I could just move something, anything to catch their attention, maybe they would be able to save me from this nightmare. With one last try I went to get up, putting every inch of energy into my limbs.
“Micha!” A hand shot through the water, grabbing onto my arms and helping me break through the surface. I couldn’t help but gasp for air and flail my arms to try to keep afloat, but what was I to do when I almost drowned? “Calm down child! You’ve only swum down for a few moments and you act like you’ve been under for decades. If you do not calm down, you will take in the water.” The voice scolded with a hint of concern. Just like the voice said I accidentally gasped a bit of water in my freak out and made myself cough in an attempt to get it all out again. “By the gods, let’s just get you to shore so you can collect yourself.” The voice huffed. Once again, I was pulled along in the water, kicking my legs weakly to try to get back to shore as fast as I could.
           Trudging out of the water I laid down on the cool earth, facing the sky as I tried to slowly fill my lungs with air again. The air was surprisingly fresh, and, in the distance, I could actually hear the sounds of wildlife. They helped me ground myself and it almost felt like the heavy presence I’d felt in the water disappeared into thin air. At least that nightmare of a situation was over now.  As I sighed in relief, having a little moment to myself before I felt the voice kneel down beside me. “Have you collected yourself?” The voice called out again. Opening my eyes, I was greeted by a man who looked to be in his late twenties frowning down at me. He had long piercing white hair that pooled over his shoulders and soft indigo blue eyes that seemed to make me feel safe and secure. His skin was a russet, reddish-brown and there seemed to be blue tattoos marking his right pec. There was a slight familiar feeling about him and his tattoos, but I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. “You usually never lose yourself when venturing the waves. Was there something that frightened you?”
           “Uhh.” You awkwardly let out unsure how to answer exactly. My hesitation caused his frown lines to grow harsher, like he’d been frowning for a long time. Not wanting to anger him I quickly sat up, but because of my fast motions I got a little lightheaded. He immediately steadied me with a firm grip and his eyebrows seemed to furrow. If he kept that up, he’d probably get so many forehead wrinkles. I looked around where the two of us were and found that we were somewhere I’ve never been before. “Where… uh.” I coughed out awkwardly. “Where are we?” He gave me an incredulous look, like maybe the water had gotten to my head or something. I didn’t really know what to say though. I’ve never been to such an open and natural place with waterfalls and stone ruins before, having been surrounded by tall buildings and concrete streets my whole life.
           “Michael, we are in Atlantis near one of the coves you love to explore ever since you were a child. Do you not remember that?” The man gives me a suspicious look when I almost went to shake my head but quickly nod when I caught myself. I’ve heard of Atlantis before, having read it in my history books from school, but there was no way I’ve ever been here before in my life. And who exactly was this Michael? I heard him calling me Micha earlier too, but that wasn’t my name. I quickly shake myself out of his grasp and go to the edge of the water, being careful not to fall in. Didn’t want another drowning spell when I had just woken up.
           I couldn’t believe my eyes. On the surface of the water I saw a similar pair of soft surprised indigo eyes staring back at me. A soaking met mop of white hair on my head as lines of the same blue tattoos ran just under my right eye and my left shoulder. My skin color was the same russet reddish-brown as the man’s and I looked to be about 10 or so. I reached down just to make sure this wasn’t a hallucination and as I did, the little girl in the reflection did the same, causing the surface to ripple. As I did so a little blue crystal with a dim glow dangled in front of me. Wait a minute.
White hair,
Blue eyes,
Glowing blue crystal,
Atlantis.
Oh my god. Was I in the lost empire of Atlantis right now? Did I literally get transport into the Disney universe? But this isn’t my body… Oh my Jesus and a fry stick! Did I die and get put into someone else’s body?!?
           “Did you hit your head on one of the rocks when you swam down there?” Out of nowhere the stranger took my head into his hands and searched for any bumps or bleeding while I was having another mini freak out. He slightly man handled me here and there which I didn’t take too kindly towards. When he found nothing, he went to feel my forehead as if I could have gotten a fever in the short time I had been in the water. “You seem alright physically, and your temperature is just fine. Maybe you’re gotten a screw loose?”
           “Hey!” I brush off his hand and give a small scoff, in response he chuckled to himself. I gave him a little glare and proceeded to ring out my hair a little. I still didn’t know who he was and wasn’t too keen on letting him get too close, but at least I now knew where I was. Now the question was, why was I in Atlantis?
           The stranger watched as I made some distance between us and sigh. He didn’t know what I was thinking exactly but with how strange I was acting it he thought it was best not to do anything too extreme. He also went to ring out his hair and went to grab us some towels that were lying to the side. He handed me one before making speaking up again. “We should head back to where Mother and Father are. I’m sure they could come to a better conclusion as to what is going on then I can.” He motioned for me to follow him and slowly started to make his way over to an open path. I was reluctant to follow him at first, but at the mention of “Mother and Father” the idea of going along with him wasn’t too bad if somehow, I could get these new parents of mine to introduce me to Milo and Kida.
I just hoped they were still around for me to talk to.
31 notes · View notes
otp-armada · 4 years
Text
A Time Capsule
I’ve been lurking across several fandoms spanning a decade now, since my days of reading “Bones” fanfics on fanfiction.net. Before any inkling of Ao3’s existence. Maybe longer, my memory is murky at times.
I’ve never made a splash in any fandom, so to speak. I’ve always been content to stand shrouded in anonymity, residing on the edges of fandom, never an active participant. Perfectly at peace to never have a voice. Never brave enough to want to be heard. It has only been in the last few years that I discovered Tumblr and felt comfortable enough in taking advantage of its anon feature to interact mostly with The 100/Bellarke crowd, “conversing” with one user in particular. In the instances I chose to speak, there was safety in knowing my words never had an identity attached. A safety that lent itself to sending anon asks a fairly common activity until I wrote one recently sharing a remnant of my “The 100” viewing experience. The warm response from the users who read it left me smiling for the rest of the day. Their reply took a direction I didn’t expect. They encouraged me to take credit for my words under my username, which of course, I didn’t have, not being a Tumblr user.
I was flattered by the response, bolstering me to continue the line of conversation with another ask and was met with reiterated sentiments.
In the wise words of one of those awesome people,
“I was the ultimate lurker for a long, long time. I had a Tumblr account for four years before I ever made a single post, and even then I had to be talked into it. And you know what? When I finally starting “talking,” it was so freeing! Even if no one else was listening, even if I was speaking into the void, I was no longer dependent on anyone else to share my thoughts and opinions. I could do that myself.”
I took the compliment but waived the advice. Tumblr is made of communities built upon sharing and I have always been unto myself an island. It goes against my shy, introverted nature to take part in a community. I have no business pretending I have a place there. None at all.
And yet, despite my misgivings, the idea wouldn’t leave me as I believed it would. I started to genuinely ponder the merits of creating a blog.
There are strong reasons to support the affirmative.
First, the utilitarian benefits. In the absence of a blog, I turned to alternative methods of archiving appealing posts. If by some miracle, the item count of my browser reading list hasn’t yet ascended to the thousands mark, it most assuredly rests in the hundreds. My camera roll queue has indubitably reached the thousands count, currently sitting pretty at 3,300. I shudder to think of the sheer number of my bookmarks. One hundred and eighty notes on my phone. The final frontier has been broken, at last, habitually inundating my laptop with screenshots. Long has it been overdue to clean house.
Second, I find writing to be a herculean undertaking I enjoy in the moments it doesn’t drive me to the brink. A slow-going process, but when I’m able to appreciate the fruits of my labor, marvel at the polished product, I often feel quite proud. Writing is a skill I’ve lost touch with over years of disuse but found incrementally returning while expressing my opinions via Tumblr asks. Like any skill, it can be honed with time and practice. Transferring my streams of consciousness onto written medium challenges me to think critically, ask myself if my POV genuinely holds true or falls apart, requiring further reflection. If nothing else, it’s a good way to process thoughts and emotions. I find it easier than and therefore preferable to oral communication. I am a perpetual editor, always amending my statements which can’t really be done as effectively in speech.
Third, if there was ever a time to join the Tumblr fandom I’ve found a home in for the last three years, why not in time for the show’s last ride? The night I signed up for Tumblr coincided the first day of “The 100” cast and crew filming their 100th and poetically final episode. Around the same space of time, we got a release date and the nostalgic goodbyes of a few cast members rolled in. I know when Bellarke crosses the last threshold, I’d want it plastered all over my dash and I’d be able to make it happen.
But where there are pros, the cons inevitably follow.
Do I really need a further distraction from my responsibilities, spending additional hours and expending more energy I should not spare online? The too easy potential for more hours behind a screen when prone to headaches and horrid habits of not regulating my eating and sleeping schedules? The answer is a clear and resounding “No.” Would maintaining a blog be harmful to my mental and emotional health? Remaining anonymous has historically done a fine job of insulating me from general rebuke, which has mitigated the risk of reproach at least. No corner of the internet can be designated as a safe space. I knew I would in all likelihood have to work diligently to curate and be responsible for my experience, leading me to doubt how the effort could possibly be worth it. How could it be worth feeling exposed, self-conscious? Constantly second-guessing myself, debating whether or not my thoughts are best kept within the privacy of my mind to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes? Combating the periodic skepticism that my thoughts possess value worth writing?
There was always the lingering possibility I was overthinking the decision to my detriment, as is my norm. After all, it seemed silly and dramatic to regard one obscure little blog in a sea of hundreds of millions of social media users as momentous. But I know myself better than that. It is a really fucking big deal for me.
I vacillated between both sides of the argument for days before deciding not to follow through with the venture.
And then one night, a single stray observation ran through my mind. One observation became another, became another and before I knew it, I had formed the grounds for an entire meta post. It didn’t end there. More ideas filtered through. I expanded on those ideas. More traction gained. Another meta formed. More jumping off previous points. Before long, I had mentally written the foundations for four metas. And I was so excited and proud of forming these connections to this puzzle without even trying that I wanted to share it. I sat down to write them in my trusty Notes, outlining, trying to jot the main points down before they fizzled away from memory. I saw how long-winded these spiels had gotten sans the full writeup, subsequently rationalizing…well, not blowing up someone’s inbox is just good manners, isn’t it? And terribly inefficient to boot. More to the point, it seemed a disservice to myself to censor my rumination to fit the small confines of a Tumblr ask box.
The part of me that wanted to push forward envisioned what the future of my blogging efforts may look like. That part knows that this blog is for me and only me. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry. Smile. Rage. Flail. Think. Whatever the hell I want. I get to say what I want, however, I want. It’s incredibly nerve-wracking. It’s also exciting, thrilling, and yes, freeing. The notion of carving out a tiny space for me to fill to the endless brim with whatever brings me joy makes me…really damn happy. It’s not an easy feat to accept and harder to retain. I should be ok, so long as I never forget that I get to be in control of what happens here. It’s within my right to block anyone I don’t want to engage or associate with. It’s my full right to not care what anyone else has to say if I don’t want to. Block out anything negative I don’t want to endure with only a few clicks. If I decide I want to walk away, permanently or otherwise, for any reason, it’s within my right to do that too. It’s comforting.
There was a time when I “knew” I would never sign up for an Ao3 account until one of my favorite authors withdrew the majority of her stories from public consumption. I “knew” I was never going to post commentary until I did. I “knew” my username would never be seen by anyone aside from me, never to be affiliated with my commentary until it was.
I did. Each and every time I thought I would never, I did. I broke my own barriers with patience and some courage. Maybe the most intimidating aspect of something new is simply the beginning. I said earlier that I’ve been an island for nearly as long as I can remember. It’s still true, I don’t expect overnight results. It’s probably going to be true for a long time. Perhaps forever. But maybe it’s all the more reason why I should take this step toward peeking out of my self-imposed shell. Do what scares you, or whatever it is they say.
I wish I could say it was enough to reverse my earlier verdict.
Nope, I had to agonize some more.
What can I say? Fear is a damn powerful inhibitor.
Lo and behold, as if the universe took pity on me, I got the chance to communicate directly with the same awesome lady whom I quoted above and she kindly offered some more merciful wisdom to a truly maddeningly indecisive individual:
“When you create a blog, you are STILL anonymous. You have a username, yes, but it doesn’t lead back to you unless you want it to. You still have your personal privacy. Tumblr isn’t Facebook. If you want to disclose personal information, you can, but you certainly don’t have to.
And second, your blog is for you, not for anyone else. It’s for you to express your own opinions. Or create gifs or other visuals. Or just repost what other people create. You can be on every day, or just once a week. It’s also a great way to save stuff you might want to look at again. And then… and then… when brilliance suddenly hits you, you have somewhere to let it hang out! 😁”
It was much I had already considered, but it helped immeasurably to have my reasoning reaffirmed from an external source I respect. I logged into Tumblr for the first time the very same night.
After much deliberation, an uncharacteristic burst of bravery and a grueling four hours I owe to technological ineptitude, I have, tentatively and cautiously, opted to give this Tumblr thing a go.
With luck, a day will never arrive when I dust this preamble off for a much-needed pep talk. Instead, it is my hope that one day, this memo-to-me will stand as proof that I don’t always need to be afraid of the unknown. Not all endeavors have to be as frightening as they may appear. And if I can apply this attitude to all else suppressing my personal growth, I might just be peachy someday.
Bearing this in mind…
…here we go.
1 note · View note
jellelliefish · 3 years
Text
I had to do A Thing yesterday involving going outside and meeting strangers and it went really well?? Like I was nervous but I wasn't plagued by soul destroying anxiety for a week before hand. And even though I ended up in the wrong room at first it was fine?? I spoke to new people and haven't spent every waking moment afterwards analysing everything I said looking for ways I was an idiot?? I maybe even made a new friend???
I don't really know what to do with myself this is all very new. The CBT seems to have worked. Like what?? Who am I?? I almost feel anxious about not feeling anxious what the hell
2 notes · View notes
aroworlds · 6 years
Text
Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Techno
Our next aro-spec creator is Techno or @techno-trashcan, better known to aro-spec Tumblr as @aro-soulmate-project​!
Techno is an aroace writer and musician who’s doing amazing work in reclaiming and reshaping amatonormative narratives. I can’t describe her craft better than how she’s put it herself, so I’ll quote her blog header: writing to redefine the concept of soulmates from an aromantic perspective.
She’s also found on Arocalypse under the same username, for folks who want to get to know her and her work outside of Tumblr!
With us Techno talks about aro narrative in an amatonormative world, her love for the aro-spec community, the isolation of being an aro creative and an amazing-sounding original work we should all be looking forward to. Her passion for aro storytelling is writ in every word, so please let’s give her all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.
Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?
When I was growing up, for years I never even considered my orientation. I didn’t get crushes–there was at least one instance where I thought I did or pretended I did because I wanted to be friends with a boy, but that was when I was very, very young. I never really developed an interest in boys (or girls, or anyone else), even once I hit puberty, and I really never thought that was weird. It wasn’t until 9th grade that things changed; there was a guy at my school who apparently had a crush on me, although I, being aro and oblivious, did not realize it at the time. He asked me if I liked anyone, and I said I didn’t, and chalked it up to being because I’d grown up with the same boring boys for so many years, so how could I? But I really didn’t think it was weird until he told me that “everyone likes someone at some point” and I got highly defensive without even knowing why.
And when I brought this up to people around me, they were like, “yeah, well, it is kind of weird, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing,” and I’d learned what asexuality was, and by extension aromanticism, around that time. I don’t really know when the seed was planted in my brain or when I really embraced my orientation, but somewhere along the line it just became a part of my life. It’s been four years and nothing’s changed, so I guess I have that boy to thank for setting me on this path. And that’s my aro story, or the short version at least.
Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?
I’ve always been drawn to writing, music and art. I’m a musician, I like to draw sometimes even if I’m bad at it, and I’ve been writing stories from a young age. Writing definitely became an outlet for me throughout the most complicated moments of my life, even if I didn’t always use that outlet appropriately or effectively. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I always have something to say!
Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?
I find writing about my aro experiences, even if just for myself, cathartic at times. On my aro blog, I have a writing project where I take prompts and ideas for soulmate AUs and stuff and turn them on their heads, because arospec people are so often left out of that conversation or just written in with a “soulmates can be platonic too so sure aros are included i guess” in a way that erases many aro experiences, so I try to combat that. Sometimes just writing out how I feel is a way of expressing my aro experiences in its own way, too.
Please click keep reading to continue Techno’s story!
What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?
When I was younger and didn’t know what being aro even was, I would try to write romance, and it’d either end up really cliche or just completely bland because I had no idea what I was talking about. And once I realized why that was, trying to write romance became basically impossible because I have no experience to channel when doing it.
I also feel like most people don’t want to read a story without romance, or else they’ll just try to read between the lines and find it even when it doesn’t exist (shipping culture is a prime example of that). For that reason I often feel alienated from other writers, and I feel like no story I ever write will satisfy some people.
How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?
The aro community means a hell of a lot to me. The community here on Tumblr and also on Arocalypse is the only community I really have, as I don’t know any out aro-spec people in real life. I used to feel more connected to the ace community than the aro community, but at some point that dynamic got turned on its head. I often find myself frustrated with parts of the ace community because of the way it sometimes erases or devalues aro-spec experiences in favor of reinforcing the idea that asexual people can and often do still experience romantic attraction and form romantic relationships, and that’s an extremely important distinction to make, but the delivery often leaves me, as an aroace, feeling like I’ve been left on the backburner.
What frustrates me with the aro community is how small we are, but more so I’m astounded each and every day by the amount of love that pours out of this community, and the nuanced and thoughtful discussions that so many of us are just dying to have the moment we’re given the opportunity.
TL;DR: I love the aro community with every inch of my sad aro heart.
How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?
Being an aro creative can be extremely isolating. As I said before, people want a good romance story so badly they’ll even read one where there isn’t, and this goes for stuff like music, too. So much content out there is all about romantic love and that’s extremely isolating for an aro-spec person. With my soulmate project, just searching for more prompts exposes me to so much erasure and amatonormativity. Some of these people are the same people who say they support us, but they are so quick to erase us when it means they get the story they want.
Writing about my experiences and having no one pay attention to them feels like screaming at the top of my lungs into a void that never answers.
How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?
Following me at @aro-soulmate-project and reblogging my work is the best way to do that! I also very much appreciate messages, questions, suggestions, anything! Even just talking to other aros gives me the drive to create more.
Can you share with us something about your current project?
Currently my project is on a bit of a hiatus as I finish up my semester at college and get back into the swing of things, but I’m still posting other stuff, and I should hopefully be back at it again soon! Generally, I find a prompt for a soulmate-related story online and then think about how I could twist it to fit a possible aro experience. It gets hard to cover the wide range of aro experiences, but mostly I want to work against the idea that everyone has their perfect match out there and will some day never be alone again, even platonically, because that’s simply not true, and even works which incorporate aros usually don’t do it tastefully, accurately, or organically. I try to keep them varied, but a lot of them are just me projecting! I need to go on the hunt for more prompts, so send them my way if you’ve got them…
Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?
Oh boy, I’m excited! A few years ago I wrote a short story for my fiction class called The Heartless that was basically a metaphor for aro(ace) experiences. And now that I have a lot more experiences on both the writing front and the aro front, I’m rewriting it and expanding on it! It’s a vaguely fantasy story that deals with the main character, Ace (haha), going on a journey to find out what happened to his parents and his best friend. Without giving too much away, it deals with navigating what it means to be human in a world where everyone else is constantly dehumanizing you. Aro experiences, wholesome platonic shenanigans ensue. I can’t say when it’ll be done, because I’m notoriously bad at keeping up with projects, but I plan on posting it to my aro blog once it’s done!
46 notes · View notes
theabsurdistcryptid · 3 years
Text
off my chest
I need to talk about my 2020 so far. I don't think anyone I know IRL knows about this Tumblr and I know none of my followers really care so I wanted to just post this in my own little void. I needed to let some things off my chest in this void so no one who knows me thinks i’m doing this for sympathy points. I just need to let so much out it’s suffocating me. I know we’ve all been suffering in 2020. it’s effected all of our mental health. If I'm being honest covid 19 scared me but I thought I was handling the adjustments pretty well. the worst part was being so close to finding a real makeup job just for a pandemic to start where even touching your own face let alone being within 6 feet of others was not allowed. I've been stuck at a job I've been wanting to leave for 18 months since. like I said, it was going well besides having to live with four people who all got to go on unemployment for 5 months while I had to keep working 40 hours a week at a to go place and only earn $10 bucks an hour. I don't resent any of my roommates, I’m glad they got their time off and were able to stay home and be safe. it all changed in April though. I got the highest I've ever been in my entire life and had a complete melt down in my room, like a whole ego death. everything that I hated about myself and everything that I've been lying to myself about since I was born came to. if I had a gun I would've ended it that night. I was going to ask my roommate to drive me to a pyschward but I couldn't move and I couldn't stop crying. god I didn't know I could cry like that, I burst blood vessels in my eyes and they were swollen for weeks. I've never been that scared in my life. from that night on I had extremely graphic suidical thoughts. I thought of the most awful disgusting ways to die, I thought about being r*ped and abused and it was the only way I could fall asleep at night. that's when the extreme drinking started. I blacked out almost every night in room. I told one of my roommate’s that I was planning on checking myself into the hospital after my birthday (may 6th) I told my parents too but they talked me out of it. then the protests came and I least I could channel all of my anger into something healthy. but there were at least 5 extra people staying at my house every night including my abusive ex’s little brother (he’s cool tho but it was triggering but I told everyone it was fine bc I like him) then the drama in the house started. there’s so much to go into but basically I hurt my roommate and broke their trust bc I did really selfish things while drunk. at this point i’d been avoiding food after walking for miles all day and I would mix the alcohol with drugs to get as numb as possible. I decided to spend the night at my best friend’s house to give them space but I had an out of body experience. I don't know what happened. I guess it’s because of all this built up hatred and anger I had towards myself but I cut myself up the worst I ever had. I started at the top and planned to finish myself off at the bottom but the blade got too dull and I passed out from fear. my best friend took me to the hospital in the morning. at the hospital my alcohol addiction wasn’t addressed. when I got out I decided it was a good idea to start a relationship that was already built on drama, looking back he was not healthy for me and encouraged me to stop taking my meds and he just fucked with my head a lot, I don't think he’s a bad person by any means but we just weren't good for each other. on the fourth of July everything changed. I blacked out from drinking and drugs. the next morning my boyfriend told me I had physically abused him the night before bc he wouldn’t have sex with me. the pain in his eyes. in his voice. I'll never forget it. all of my suicidial thoughts I had been suppressing came rushing back. I wasn't better and I had lied to everyone about it. I hurt the person I love. then I made him comfort me because I was actively trying to plan out my suicide. god it was so fucking selfish. he deserved so much better and he had even begun to deal with the worst of me. we decided to take a break but we were still fucking and hanging out. then I moved. his roommate/close friend came over bc I thought I was being followed. he came to protect me with a literal gun. I had been smoking a lot, not eating a drinking a large bottle of wine. he had bought alcohol too. I just remember sitting on my porch with him. in the morning I was told that we had gone back to his house and I saw my boyfriend and was so excited/all over him but he was pissed I was drunk so his friend drove me back home and took off all my clothes and started to touch myself and was all over him. there’s probably more but that’s all I was told. I have scarred my friend for life. he hasn’t spoken to me since and I deserve it. he probably has nightmares and idk it could’ve changed his outlook on sex forever. I have done irreversible damage. I very much deservedly lost a huge amount of friends and I will never be able to gain their respect or trust again but I get it. I barely left my bed. just laid there. tried to kill myself a couple more times, mostly with pills. I wrote notes and had one big plan to put on my nicest dress, and drive to the beach and slowly poison myself with liquor and sleeping pills. Angie stuck by my side and it made all the difference in the world. I told all of my friends everything, old ones, ones who live in different states, I even made a semi public apology and ousted myself. I told my family everything too, of course they just wanted me to get help. I'm staying strong now. trying to. living with knowing what I did and what I'm capable of is the hardest thing I've ever done. do you know what’s like to try to live with yourself when you already wanted to die so badly?? and now you have to live with the knowledge of knowing you did what you did. how it weighs on you. how it’s always on your mind. no matter how many distractions it’s just always fucking right there. what’s like to be finally be okay with the abuse I endured in the past, to be okay with being r*ped because I feel like I retroactively deserved it?? I believe people can change and I believe addictions and alcohol can make people do awful things but I just can’t seem to apply that to myself. I've sent an in-depth apology letter to everyone involved and even to my old roommate who I've wronged. I just can’t look at myself anymore. I feel like my soul is marked. people tell me that the fact that I know what I did was wrong and that I feel remorse means I'm a good person but I just can’t believe that. god just holding in all of these feelings has been torture. I don't tell people these things bc what I did should be about my victims (which is why im posting this on my Tumblr bc it’s private) it’s also hard because I feel like no one takes my apologies seriously. like I'm only saying it so the rumors won’t spread or to save my reputation. I don't give a shit about that, I know so many people already don’t like me anymore and I get it, I wouldn’t either. but I have to grieve with this too. I did something I had no idea I was capable of and it shook my entire view of myself when I already hated myself on such a deep level. like I've always hated every aspect of my being but now I really had a real reason to, like I'm a fucking villain.  I'm staying strong and getting better but I can't even go 10 minutes without thinking about the people I've hurt and their well being, not an hour goes by where I don't think of a new suicide plan. my friends and family are telling me I have to forgive myself eventually so I can move on in grow but I dont think I can forgive myself for such a heinous act. if you read this I know you don't know me and this probably seems like oh boo hoo poor you your life is so hard what about your fucking victims and I KNOW. I feel awful and disgusting for even expressing how this has effected me as well but I needed to let this out somewhere. I feel like im losing my mind. I'm lucky to have a good support network and im working on changing my relationship with alcohol. the good thing is I don't crave it or feel like I need. I had a glass of preseco with my best friend on her 21st and I didn't feel the need to have anymore or even want anymore. of course I've had a slip up once, healing isn’t linear but I've really gotten under control way more than I had in the past. I don't mean to end such long post on such a boring note but god I am so so so fucking sorry to every single person I have affected in all of this. I will never stop being sorry. I hope I get better. fuck me and fuck 2020.
0 notes
mac-tire-dubh · 7 years
Text
Saying “I love you”
I see references to a lot of ugliness being thrown around in the WayHaught tag. Though I haven’t seen much of that ugliness myself, it seems quite a few fans are really upset about Waverly’s failure to say those special three words to Nicole so far.  This has definitely gotten me thinking...a lot. What better place to throw one’s Thoughts out into the void than on Tumblr?
First and foremost...Earper fandom, settle down please!  These characters are not you!  If you would have said “I love you” sooner, then that’s fan-fucking-tastic.  But these characters are being written and developed as their own complex selves. They’re not going to make your same choices.  They’re not going to make your same mistakes (or maybe they will).  And on that note, let’s explore a little about them individually...
Nicole is clearly an out lesbian, though she knows to be discreet to protect a career she loves--particularly since she’s in a small town.  She is confident and goes after what she wants, but she also respects boundaries.  She never pushed Waverly into a relationship--she expressed her interest and then backed of when Waverly essentially said so.  She has let Waverly “drive the bus” on the physical aspect of their relationhip from the time Waverly bared her soul on Nedley’s couch, and has been extremely conscientious to obtain consent when moving into new territory.  She has wanted nothing more than to be close to Waverly and protect her from harm.  
Nicole’s expressions of love have not come from an anticipation of hearing those words back from Waverly.  They were simple statements of fact...first as an attempt to explain a bad decision, then over voicemail as part of an apology for that bad decision.  The final time was when she might have been on her deathbed, wracked with burning pain throughout her body, and all she wanted was to make sure Waverly knew how much she was loved in case it was her last chance to talk to her..
(Side note:  Nicole totally had to know Shay would be contacted.  Who the hell do you think listed her as next of kin on the employee paperwork when Nicole was hired on at the sherrif’s department?  She wanted Waverly to know that no matter who showed up in her hospital room, it was Waverly who Nicole loved as she has never loved anyone else.)
Waverly is the neglected (possibly adopted) youngest of three sisters.  How many times did she say “I love you, Mommy” before Mama Earp left?  (By the way--how long do you think til we see her??  Season 3?).  How many times did she try to say “I love you, Daddy” seeking affection from a man who essentially ignored her?   Her oldest sister Willa tormented her mercilessly and practically tried to kill her until Willa was abducted, and how many times did she say “I love you” to Wynonna before Wynonna would get sent off somewhere or just decide to leave town again?  While it’s clear Gus, Curtis, and Shorty did what they could to show Waverly love, it’s not like she has had a good foundation of knowing how to love and be loved in return.  And let’s not even mention Champ, who was probably her most serious romantic relationship in her young adulthood but we all saw that dynamic and cringed multiple times!
When Waverly hears Nicole first express her love, Waverly is pissed at being lied to on top of being anxious about the DNA results themselves.  NOT the time to talk about her own feelings there.  She’s also not going to reciprocate on the voicemail apologies/declarations of love because she’s still angry and that’s not the best time for a conversation like that.  And faced with Nicole on her deathbed, I will NOT blame Waverly for being reluctant to share her own declaration out of fear that it would only guarantee Nicole would leave her, too.
Nicole absolutely deserves to hear Waverly declare her love.  But from where I’m sitting, I think Nicole knows the words need to come from Waverly when Waverly is truly ready to express herself.  And she knows the actions are already there...from their time in bed together to Waverly fighting Mercedes and holding onto Nicole as she called for an ambulance. We know Waverly will find the words at some point...just as she did that glorious day on Nedley’s couch.
I was going to go into my own experience with “I love you” with my first girlfriend in my early twenties, but this thing is long enough and y’all aren’t here for that.  I am really surprised how long this thing got, though!  Thank you to those who stuck around through it all.  
Goodnight Earper family. Hang in there...Friday’s only a few days away!  
In Andras we trust.
32 notes · View notes
blepbean · 7 years
Text
Tythan chapter 10 and the last chapter
YEAH THE LAST CHAPTER AND I DONT WANT IT TO END BUT IT HAD TO OTHER WISE IT WOULD GO FOREVER anyway I made this one worthy one and a big finish to the tythan fanfic
Chapter 10 “It’s been a while.” Said Mark, he looked at the camera. “I haven’t been uploading for a while and you guys have heard about Ethan. What happened to him. I’m fine and I will be uploading soon. You guys don’t have to worry about me. I’m here. Markimoo is back.”
Tyler stopped near the hospital, he got out of the car. The air getting cold. He glanced at the building. Things happened in that hospital. He looked at the window they were in back then. So many thoughts ran around his head, so much. He doesn’t want to remember. He got back inside the car and drove to his house.
“Skye! I’m home, hello?” Tyler expected a greeting from his girlfriend, he walked in the kitchen and grabbed orange juice from the juice. Tyler was confused, where is she? Tyler walked up stairs, the photos of them hanging up on the wall. One where they were in Disneyland for their 6th month anniversary. They were together for 1 year. Tyler’s footsteps were quiet, like he’s afraid that he’s going to get caught. Then he heard, voices. He heard an unfamiliar voice.
Tyler’s heartbeat suddenly got faster, he doesn’t know why. His palms started sweating. He took a step forward, then another. His foot stepped into something, he looked down to see a bra? Tyler felt something was going on, he grabbed hold of the door handle like it was a lifeline and opened the door a little bit. He took a peek inside and his heart sank. He was frozen there, in that position. He couldn’t move. After a while he stood up and left. Not wanting to go to stay in his house. The house he calls home now doesn’t feel like home. He got back inside the car, he took out his phone. Hi, blue boy at your service. Not really here though lol. Anyway text me or do a voice mail. I don’t really care. BYE. Ohh and no peanuts. TYLER! I will get back to you k? Tyler sobbed.
“Hey Kathryn.” “Hi Amy, where you going?” Amy did a little twirl with her white dress. “I’m just meeting up with some old friends, going to have a girls night!and can you do a favour, keep an eye out for Mark.” “Yeah sure. Have a safe night Amy!” Kathryn sat down in her chair, she looked through the footage, she sighed. She looked through her own editing. Ethan was so much better at editing than her, if only Ethan was here. Mark came into the office, he looked tired. Stressed. He walked past Kathryn without saying anything. Normally he would. Then a thud came after.
Tyler drove out into the streets, he doesn’t feel anything anymore, he felt empty. He stopped outside a liquor store. Got out even though he preferred he be inside. Tyler stepped in to the store, feeling suddenly sick. He got back inside the car and opened the beer. Tyler, it’s nice having you around here.” Said Ethan.“ No problem, Loud blue boy.” Teased Tyler. They were alone, in the woods.“ You know, it’s just fun to go to the woods, near a river, with food and your friend. After all it was a busy day.” “true.” Replied Ethan.“ Hey I have an Idea.” Tyler paused. Took of his shirt, and went inside the car. Ethan heard the rustle of clothes in the car, no that he was perving on Tyler or anything. Then moments later Tyler got out of the car, sprinted to the dock of the river, and jumped in to the crystal clear water, ripples was sent throughout the river.“ Oh no you don’t, luckily I have my bathers here. Tyler took a sip. Im finally 21. God time goes quickly.” “Yeah I drink to that.” Ethan took a sip of the red bull. He made a weird face afterwards. “Ohh god that taste weird.” Tyler laughed “I remember my first drink, I feel so old now lol.” “Well like my father used to say ‘drink away the pain, pop a pill so you can forget the pain’ yeah no thanks.” “That is a weird saying. I prefer ‘Beer can fill the void inside you’ yeah. I like that.” “Like I like you.” “Stop flirting with me Ethan.” Both of them giggled
Well he is filling the void inside him, with beer. He smiled, then it quickly turned into a tear. It ran down his cheek and made its way to the cold red bull. He stared into the darkness, filling empty inside. ‘Drink away the pain’ He took a sip ‘Beer can fill the void inside you’ He took another sip. “Six months, six fucking months. Have passed yet no one cares. Maybe, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fucking fault!” Tyler punched the steering wheel. “It’s all my fault, I killed Ethan. I’ve killed Ethan. Maybe I should just kill myself. Right! I killed Ethan therefore I should kill my self too.” Tyler took a deep breath, tears formed in his eyes. “I’ve killed Ethan.”
“Hey guys, can you give me a minute, I just need to go somewhere OK?” Amy’s friends nodded. “Where you going?” “I just need to go to the bathroom. Meet you at the concert!” Amy turned a corner and went in a alleyway. It was dark, wet. She took out Ethan’s watch from her pocket. She looked at the time, it was still working. She stared into it, then she sat down in the cold cement and cried.
After Tyler calmed down he turned on the car and drove to a spot. He opened a red bull and took a sip, he stopped near a flat area. Tyler remembered what happened here, Ethan broke down and Tyler had to come to save him. He stepped outside, a gentle cool breeze went by. Tyler sat down at the edge of a steep cliff, he looked down to see a 100ft fall. He threw the can of beer and took out his phone and called Kathryn. After a few seconds she picked up the call.
“Hi Tyler, where are you.” “Look Kathryn I want you tell you something.” “Tyler are you OK.” “Kathryn, what do you think? All fine and dandy. Sunshine and rainbows. I’m hurt Kathryn! I’m miserable! While I’m hurt you guys are just taking this like it was nothing. Like you don’t care he died. I have been miserable for the past 6 months!” “Tyler, we are taking this seriously- “Oh you are know aren’t you?” “Tyler do need to see someone? I mean I have- Tyler hanged up and threw the phone. He stood up, a tears ran down his cheek. He looked up at the city, the city looked pretty. Beautiful. Like it was stars. He glanced around his surroundings, taking his final glance he took a deep breath. He done with all of this, he can’t take it anymore. The guilt. He killed Ethan “Ethan.” Said Tyler “I’m coming.” Tyler jumped.
Mark stared at the walls of him bedroom, faking smiles in the camera and acting fine was getting harder. He sighed, what was happening to him? And the your welcome tour right around the corner? He just couldn’t take it. The things that have happened ruined him, he wasn’t him anymore, he was a monster. Mark stared into the walls with a blank expression. A tear dropped in the carpet.
Edit: Look I'm sorry if there are sentences that aren't supposed to be there, tumblr is being a biatch
8 notes · View notes
teacuphistorian · 6 years
Text
Things I’m thinking about:
I just got my ASUS flip back and I don’t know how I feel about the transition. I got a small one for when I wasn’t feeling confident and so I wouldn’t feel so intimidated by the size of my machine, but now I’m feeling better and I no longer know whether this is the right choice for me. Also, for some reason it’s running slowly right now and I don’t know why. I closed all the tabs… I was supposed to be borrowing my partner’s laptop but I think I enjoy it more and I worry it will affect my confidence and my workflow. Things you need to worry about with sperge…
Also I’m not sure which kind of lenses I should be focusing on yet for my camera. I really like using my prime lens (fixed length) over the zoom lens, but it is nice that the kit lens has all the automatic stuff in it. I’m frustrated I can’t zoom closer. I feel like I’ve outgrown my existing lens set already. I also wish my prime lens was better quality. I just wish I had some more options for framing shots. I can’t use manual focus and the zoom at the same time.
Meep.
I’ve had an awful week after expending so much energy between Saturday and Tuesday, when we went home for my sister’s birthday. I just haven’t recovered. I still feel sick when trying to do anything. At least we shouldn’t have to move until December. We’ve got time. I just get frustrated when nothing I do to fix myself works. I’ve spent most of this week feeling too awake to sleep and too tired to do anything at all. Maybe I should just be napping all the time until I feel better. That’s what I used to do. I’m just aware of all this stuff I should be keeping up for myself, like eating and drinking properly and not messing with my sleep routine. At least we’ve somewhat fixed that today. We were sleeping at 3:30am and waking up at 12. Last night we succeeded in sleeping around 2am and waking up around 10:30, maybe earlier initially. We also played football for the first time in a week yesterday and we’ve watched some great films this week. We just haven’t managed to do applications or write anything much. You know, the career stuff.
I did at least draft something around Tuesday. It was handwritten. I just want to keep pumping out portfolio stuff but I worry I’m getting nowhere. I know this stuff takes a lot of time and I’ve only just got started. I keep wondering whether I’ve chosen the right career for me . I just can’t really imagine doing anything else because I don’t think I could bear the work environment. I do wish I could write more seriously sometimes because I do have a lot of serious things to say and I can do serious research. I feel like I’m being frivolous and wasting myself by doing content writing. Well, at least I know it’s just what I’m doing for now. Writing careers take years.
It’s so weird to see myself as a writer. I think it’s a sperge definition thing. I get all uncomfortable because I feel like I should have visions of fantasy worlds and I don’t. I do have lots of detailed thoughts on things, which essentially amounts to the same thing in the end. It’s just an awkward balance for me because I’ve never really been a reader of non-fiction so I find it hard to see it as valuable sometimes. Also, intercultural stuff gets portrayed as so frivolous, even though recognizing one another’s humanity is arguably the single most important thing we can do as humans. The idea that each one of us has an experience equally as vivid is such a challenging one for so many people. It’s not the lack of empathy which defines asperger’s, it’s the starkness of the manual engagement with the concept of empathy. Many people with asperger’s are incredibly empathetic. Many without it aren’t.
Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear I’ve written as a habit, read as a habit and generally been engaged with expressing myself using the written word for many years. I just don’t like the blank void which appears to me every time I define myself as a writer. It’s very much a feeling of ‘the buck stops with me’. It’s also a recent thing I’ve been saying. Maybe it will feel more appropriate as I write more things. That’s what I’m trying to do with these articles. Just write a little bit more every day. It’s why I’m on tumblr right now - I’m not in a place where I could write something clearly for others, but I am in a place where I need somewhere to put my thoughts.
In some ways, these tired moments can be good. They mean you don’t have to avoid distraction. They help you focus. They help you zone in on what’s most important because it’s all you can muster yourself to manage. They clarify the world. They just make it feel like a swamp at the same time.
I’m come to realise that I have a form of selective mutism. I’ve got asperger’s from my dad’s side and a slower processing speed from my mum’s side, so when things get complicated I’ve always found it easier to express myself silently, whether through gestures or through typed words. Speaking gets really hard when my brain gets clogged up. Writing still works. The reason speaking is hard is because of the sensation of speaking and phrasing what to say. There’s so much performance which goes into speaking. Writing is just that: writing.
I’d really like to be a writer. I think that, at heart, I am a creative. I want to identify and communicate that which is of meaning in the world. I can achieve this with photography as well as with writing. I hope I can make the most of my other skills as well. I don’t want to squander things like historical expertise and organisational skills just because of a change in focus.
I’ve got to go now. It’s been good having tumblr to just get things out of my head and onto the page. I’ve collected thoughts over the last week which I wanted to express.
Also, this laptop is a good intimate laptop. Not so good for a work mindset, but good for making notes and for youtube videos especially.
0 notes
sky-designs · 7 years
Text
Yes I am trans and yes I love my family.
     I come from somewhere, that somewhere helps to guide me towards where I go. I have my family to thank for that accompaniment, my parents for the gift of life and my friends as well for making the crappy things fun. But for now, it’s time to get closer to those whose genes I closely resemble, being a lady of course. Peace is what I strive for. And feeling a part of the world for me is the most important family I desire to learn from. There is my blood, and the world is my family origin because I see no separation between anything. It is by knowing them and digging deeper that I see that I am not an alien, but a reflection of collected moments of beauty within this outside world of life. I am the result of billions of years of evolution with the consciousness to be myself, whatever the hell that means :D I can feel my wings growing already. We are no mistake and we are definitely not created for god’s pleasing to manipulate us, sorry religion but there is no creator outside of us humans, believe me, or not I don’t care I believe myself. We are definitely free beings and the world out there is crying for us to adapt to it and respond to fill the void inside ourselves, that is, to externalize our thoughts and make of them a deliberate object with weight. So yeah... the road outside of anger is the way into love, and the way into love happens through passion, devotion, and the assured sense of self-confidence that leads one to a sense of peace where they can finally say oh my gosh I actually love myself, I'm amazing, look at how amazing my life is, and then gently pride is released from a dormant stubborn hateful self, and then freedom comes... finally we breathe and experience flow again, the earth is in us, it guide us, we are not mad, we actually flower as children in touch with the history of our land. We know our body, we love our mind, we know what we want, and we will stay alive knowing that our family is life,      My dysphoria is temporary and an unfair way to treat me when I know I am a lady. It is a state of which I disapprove of how I look and feel. Society makes it more difficult because not to be hated on I often sacrifice my own happiness. The good part is that I can change that. I thank science for supporting me because it makes me know for certain that I am not mad and that what I am feeling is backed up with reason. I am transgender under the bio/psycho/social model. I was born with messed up chromosomes most likely because of fertility treatments in the day or maybe even the genetic predisposition my life gave. Following this my life’s experience drove me more towards feminine things because of my genetic structure my interest were lighter, Then puberty hit and drug problems came into the picture. I learned to use drugs to cope with my hormone imbalance, that is to be specific the large doses of testosterone that changed the sweet child me into a disaster and an angry and lonely broken mess. All of this is the social part the psychology part is that I felt dysphoric. I knew something was wrong with me but I couldn’t put a finger on what the heck that feeling could be so sadly I became angry at the world, angry at god until finally I hit rock bottom and became maliciously angry at myself. I remember once I told me mom when I was young that I was gay just to test her seeing how she would react about that, when really I wanted to tell her I was trans but I figured telling her that first and seeing how she would react would give me a pretty good idea if she were ready to hear me out about being trans. So here’s my story, I go to mom after having a truly intimate discussion with her about like. Yes, my mom has always been there for me. She wasn’t overly busy for her success. What she cared about was spending time with me, and what I have learned from her through our social interaction I will never give up for the world.... I love you mom :). So anyways I went to tell mom that I thought I might be gay and I explained a few things, but she really didn’t think that was the case, and honestly neither did I so I can’t blame her for laughing it off because really looking back on it now as my adult self I realize how wrong my approach was.  You LGBTQ+ enthusiast do not dare ever criticize my mother, I swear I love her and you are getting the wrong impression if you ever dare to say so. My mom was my best friend when I was a kid. Yes, I had friends at school but I felt so darn dysphoric that I had a hard time making real lasting relationships with friends. So I remained popular because people thought I was cool for whatever reason, but I never felt good in me. I felt alone, and scared and isolated. So back on the gay thing with mom, the way she reacted was kind of sweet actually. What she said was look if you’re gay I won’t love you any less, but she did insist that she thought I wasn’t gay. Truth be told I knew I wasn’t either so when the mirror was pointed back at me I sort of froze because I figure that if she knew I wasn’t gay she knew me so well she probably already knew I was trans.  So there I was in my innocent brain repressing these memories not knowing what was going on in me. Not having the words, the confidence or the support... So here I need to protect my mom again because she is my mom you fluffers she gave me life so do you really think I'm going to dare put her down. I know she did her best and I know she thought me to do the same. So if anyone has anything to criticize well yes I was a mommy’s boy back then. The reason I did that was because she was the only one who made me feel like a girl. You can argue that the fact that my dad wasn’t in the picture played a role in my gender development, but I know for a fact that this goes way beyond my mother’s separation with her first husband - my dad. This is the story of my life Tumblr it was a difficult one. And the worse part is it was never anybody’s fault, and blaming anyone was seriously only reason to perpetuate the problem.  Victim of victims, the world carries on. Hurt and hurt again, but then forgave and forgotten. Growth comes over time, to others time is not enough, but the truth always remains you’ll never be free until you forgive, no not others but yourself. Growth leading to depersonalization is not necessary, but one thing is certain; family extends all across existence, and relationships with others yet unknown to you at the moment, will later be the proof of your new identity.      Never lose hope. If tonight is dark, all you need to do is wait for tomorrow to come and the sun will rise again. New days are meant to bring change. It influences our thinking as light creates serotonin and various other happy feeling chemicals and vitamins and this rise in consciousness is bound to bring about new solutions.      All this to say my family may cause me hardships, but if I am to be educated myself and honest I do admit I didn’t know everything myself even though I was trans. I just didn’t have the lexicon. The coping skills or even the ability to know when I was mad I was actually just dysphoric and incapable to express the pain I felt because truth remains that there are no good systems to truly support and include trans people into culture, Hi, my name is Vanessa and that’s why I exist, I like being between worlds because it's the only time I feel alive and perfect like the beautiful symmetry openness acquires. I failed to react properly and I owe the world an apology for not coming out earlier. But if I am to truly mean this sorry the world must understand that what happened to me was not my fault.      It is to say that I didn’t mean to lack education. And if I were ever to be accused of lacking education I would redirect the person claiming it to a website of school boards where they can encourage an actual sex-ed class that is precise, safe and fucking honest enough to educate kids about the variety of sexual relationships.
     I didn’t mean to be shot down at every attempt I had to embrace my femininity. I didn’t mean to think the only way I could get through my day was by making people laugh about me so hard so that I could try to get out of the body and forget how disgusted I was with the body I was in my relating to the bad hate jokes I set on myself so that I could commonly let others feel what I felt. I developed a whole bunch of unhealthy fetishism that ultimately destroyed my relationships and brought me close many times to my own death. So I thank my upbringing, for keeping me through the hardest of times because as hard of a life my mom may have given me at the time she prepared me to never back down and I love her eternally for that. And let’s just say 9.5 grams of mushrooms during a time of turmoil is a hell of a scary ride I was glad to come back from... because I do admit much times I was sure I wouldn’t. That’s aside from the psychosis I had where I thought I was already dead stuck in dream life. So there’s proof that I have a strong will to live and that’s what I want to tap into. I want to live to 100. Whether I make it or not doesn’t really matter, what matter is I will do everything in my power to try to make it happen and I will make it my mission to prove that trans people should not be in danger. They should be like me and you, normal people.
     I don’t write this so that any of my readers can fear that I am unstable and that I will kill myself. Don’t worry Tumblr. I have come far and long to know that if I didn’t kill myself when I didn’t know what I was suffering from was gender dysphoria and I was on a ridiculous amount of mushrooms and various other psychedelics that pretty much ruined my life because of how irresponsibly I used them over months at a time. The landing nearly killed me but I was glad to have a support system that caught me before I... well I think you get the point.      But you see all this to say, I don’t regret what I did. I swear to you God if you exist, the sins I committed needed to be done so that I could free my soul from my demons I had no clue haunted me. So that I could experience what it was to be set free and have the chance to express my own identity joyfully without impeding on the beauty of other which my failed emotional security often got in the way.      I did it once and I got stomped down but this time I want to be certain to be against no one and talk bad about no one so that everyone can see I'm not that nervously undefined kind of trans person, I am me and I am proud to me and I am proud that you reading can assert the same, and if not I hope you make it your life mission to do so. I’m more like that certain person that respects myself enough not to need to get mad at others anymore It will still happen, but I know the more I look at me, the less I hate beauty outside of me. I know I deserve beauty, and I’m learning to see that even if the opportunity was taken from me I no longer need to blame god. I understand science has a cause and a solution, and I know my brain is just craving communion.      Actually, to be honest with myself I never was disrespectful with anyone. I always leave people a safe space to express themselves. I think being genuine is what gives us hope to stay alive. My only problem is communicating truth when I'm lying about feeling good in my body. I messed up because I should have come across one who truly knew how bad and deadly dysphoria can feel - our suicide statistics exist for a reason.... Our differences at times isolate us but they also make us feel special when we are amongst others because it makes learning a constant journey in life. Our differences are the reasons for the people we love. They are the reasons for those we let go of. They are the reasons for all things that happen to us because our thoughts literally manifest our actions, or of course, if the self-judge becomes too indulgent we become inactive and self-reflective, doubtful, and over time plainly paranoid.      The truth here is that violence amongst people is no longer a single person case scenario, it’s the result of social isolation and antagonism, and antagonizing and banishing the unwanted has only resulted in the destruction of humanity. All parties are to blame, and the problem is we haven’t come to a common consensus where every single person can stand up and say NOBODY and yes even the worst of people deserves to be isolated from its own humanity. The world creates events, good and bad for us to strive to be the noblest. Through thick and thin we decide what we like and how to love it depending on the bio/psycho/social reason.      Why I'm talking so broadly is to remind you who I am. I am a butterfly by the name of Vanessa. And when I speak. I speak from the sky, a place where I dream in every night. Flying from above, light, relieved and filled with fluidity and belief. A large world is down here on earth, and its mother spirit is filled with beauty calling from her telling us to come and join, to join as a flower child - merely a symbol of beauty and nature, a sign of love.       Then came father the stable and yet wholesome archetype, one further from home. One more distant because of the need to understand that the only woman has the close bond with the child while men and sperm carriers remain genetically distant because they do not carry children if born cis-male. This is the problem for me. I want to be a pregnant trans-woman, and it truly is my only desire that I see could truly make me die happy. I will not be the first one to undertake the procedure, not the second one, but for those future generations to come who suffer the same fear, the problem will be resolved, and behind it all one name will be known of, “Vanessa Sky” and her love for a health filled life of wisdom and truth she relied on made her open to transpire gender norms to make a man perfect woman and woman perfect man, an eternal understanding of humanity’s youth in the broader scale of the universe, and thus develop a sympathy so deep war will no longer be able to exist, because no name for it will be necessary, I know I sound madly Utopic and possibly unrealistic, but what is a trans-woman to do when she’s alone? Live in misery? Or make of her fantasy a definite reality throne? ~ Toodles love’s - Vanessa Sky out :3
0 notes