I'm trying to kick up my art game by actually trying to keep a sketchbook and drawing every day. Start time is 3/10 for no reason, but I'm going to try and keep up for at least a month to start and go from there.
You know, in addition to all the other projects I'm doing :)
If I manage to keep it up, I'll try graduating to doing some digital practices every day.
also in terms of the bolas playlist it's fascinating to me that the songs added by each person have a slight tendency to represent a consistent aspect of bolas
like
the songs added by slime are their chaos
the songs added by philza are their rebellion
the songs added by cellbit are their rage
the songs added by baghera are their anguish
it's so fucking FASCINATING TO ME but i don't know enough music theory to elaborate lmfao this is Vibes Only
(mouse's songs i can't boil down to an easy noun which is why they aren't mentioned lmao anyway they go hard asf)
(also i went on the longest fucking unhinged elaboration in the tags lmfao i almost didn't have enough tags left to tag "long tags" at the end
(i could have even gone on longer in terms of where their characters were at entering purgatory [philza: cage for a cage; cellbit: fed worker murders; baghera: her past as a federation experiment; slime: turning into a code because of the code pretending to be his daughter] but i ran out of space and also time it's 4AM AAAAA)
Thinking about Lan Sizhui teaching Jin Ling how to play guqin.
Thinking about Jin Ling absolutely bored to tears by the fundamentals until he hears how beautifully Lan Sizhui plays and suddenly takes an interest (in the guqin, definitely the guqin, he’s interested in the guqin only, okay??)
Thinking about Jin Ling practicing outside of classes because he wants to impress Lan Sizhui by how much he’s improved and wants to make him proud and wants to see his face light up with a smile—I mean, what? No no no, he just wants to show initiative to learn, that’s all there is to it, nothing more. Nothing at all.
Thinking about Lan Sizhui finding Jin Ling asleep on his guqin after a night of wearing himself out with extra practice and gently waking him up to safely escort him back to his room so he doesn’t get caught by their seniors. Meanwhile, Jin Ling sleepily leans against him on the walk back to his room because it’s normal, he’s just tired, it’s obviously normal because Lan Sizhui slips his hand into his and smiles and Jin Ling’s heart feels like it’s on fire. Oh no.
Thinking about Jin Ling opening up to Lan Sizhui about his nightmares from all the trauma he’s endured and Lan Sizhui staying to play guqin for him until he falls asleep, each note chasing away every bad dream that tries to disturb him.
Thinking about them practicing guqin alone together the next day. And the day after. And the day after that—and they really are practicing but it’s a little hard to focus when Lan Sizhui keeps putting his hands over Jin Ling’s to move them to the correct strings, and Jin Ling’s face is a breath away from Lan Sizhui’s every time he leans over to help him.
It’s just guqin practice, that’s all there is to it, perfectly normal. 🩵💛
Me going into this weekend: Well, it's time for the local anime convention, the one that I've been preparing for since December and worked super hard so I'd have lots of mage plushies in the store I sell them at downtown, all ready for excited anime fans to buy them!
This weekend: Protesters gridlock downtown on Saturday (aka, the Busy Day, aka the Profitable Day) because they can't handle the concept of a drag queen doing story time for kids at the library, someone escalates this to a very effective bomb threat that's fortunately fake but still forces local shops to close and the reading to be cancelled for the sake of safety, it pours rain, and is the coldest weekend we've had all month to boot. All the shops and the downtown farmer's market that brought in extra stock and produce in preparation for what is traditionally a very profitable weekend for local businesses due to exploring convention members are left in the lurch.
Me, now: (lying in my bed trying to console myself with humour) ...this did not go according to keikaku.*
Not to start a training methodology war, because lord knows what we need in the training community is more cooperation and communication, not less.
But I have spent three years trying to be an R+ trainer, trying to grow my method's efficacy and kindness. In those three years, I have been following expensive and time-consuming plans. I have dug deep into behavioural theory. I have thought through every little micro-choice I made with my dog.
And I have to admit, it made me a better trainer. It strengthened my relationship with my dog and my empathy for dogs in general. It also did not solve the problems it claimed it would fix in any kind of timely or client-friendly manner.
It was frustrating. This really neat and wonderful idea of training with kindness. And all it took was one family member not carrying through on the dog sitting for petting and we have a chronic jumper with zero improvement outside of the humans who have extensive training relationships with him. One mistake during reactivity training and we have a blowup that takes us back three months of work for weeks. A dog who bites for the pure pleasure of biting with owners who do not have good timing deciding whether their dog lives in a muzzle because this behaviour is escalating quicker than they are learning to teach alternatives.
And then tonight I am listening to two world level competitors talk, and it strikes me again. To paraphrase:
"What would you do if your dog is chewing the dumbbell? Because I generally would tell him to stop and praise when he was holding it firm."
"My dog would never make that mistake."
"But dogs make mistakes. How would you handle a client coming to you because their dog making that mistake?"
"I would have them do layers upon layers of other training, sending me video, before the dog even saw the dumbbell. The dog would never get to make that mistake."
Like, on one hand, is there anything wrong with that? No! It's great training. But is the attitude accessible? Not at all.
Over and over, I experience this. Even with the classes I really enjoy, you often spend twice what you would for in-person to spend weeks on things like marker timing over video. You get reactivity courses that depend on more management than training. And its not that they're bad ways to train or wrong ways to train. But it makes it much harder to cross over when the balanced trainer who competed nationally or has dogs loose leash walking in a week is running a $25 seminar and free content for the basics, while the R+ trainer has a $150 seminar in which they lay out their first step to a long term plan for the same skills.
I'm probably beating a dead horse here, but if we want your average Joe Public dog owner or even hobby level competitor to pick up R+ training, it would be so valuable to have more resources that were clear, concise, and accessible.
Speaking of "something intimate touched by dirty hands", I'll be real, I kinda do still need someone to "cleanse" image of Mic0lash for me. Ever since the grand fandom rift I've of course fallen onto the better side where fans are trying their best, I just can tell my Mic mutuals are trying their best with the guy. But something so incredibly bad is connected with the character- You guys know how negative experiences with people can ruin a character (and you're in luck if not the whole piece of media)? This character for me is a manifestation that if someone claims to really love and need me, I should keep in mind that it is a lie I should not trust.
I should know by now that when something sounds too good to be true - it IS, but he is like... an "avatar" of that realization. Someone I could just look at at be reminded without the words that yes, I should remember that I'll never be happy or valued like I want to. That my "ability" to see something good even in the darkest people or to listen to the intention of even the most distorted message is reserved for someone else. For something else. I am just not built for things like long friendships, celebrating holidays, exploring the world together, just being loved, just being able to trust, just being cared about, just sharing life with someone. My role in this world is to be a "tutorial enemy". Someone people would have a negative experience with but in exchange, understand who they are and what they really want in life, and let go of their struggles and wishes that tormented them. But I feel like I can only fulfill my purpose in this world for as long as I am ignorant about it. If I stop trusting people and seeking the type of love I need - I won't get attached, so I won't get hurt when people hurt me, so I won't be slain. Because this is what I am in - a videogame enemy that people need to defeat to level up and proceed to their own games. And if I stop respawning - how I can be what I am?
I just should not learn a thing, because people better off after they "murder" me. More cruel and reclused, but better off - more self-sufficient, more confident, more.. secure of how much good they deserve. It would just help them to be more cautious when someone actually toxic appears. Like, someone who is not even self-aware, not struggling and not remorseful. So they won't take chances, to the better.
But I just need to blind myself to the truth, because I've got nothing better to offer to this world than being that "tutorial enemy". People are better after slaying me. I drop Insight points upon being stabbed, and it happened so many times. I guess this character is just cursed with being associated with a truth so horrible that it is better off not realizing it and just be moved like a pawn.
normally the 11th hour "this random side character was actually your BIOLOGICAL FATHER!" twist would be dumb contrived drama fare, but...I think it actually kind of makes sense for the warp effect.
as other people have mentioned, ultimately it's a show about how alex has passed pain on to other people due to his OWN sexual trauma and mental blocks. and of course, that trauma had to come from somewhere - we already knew it came from his mother and religion, but it's very interesting to learn that THAT started as his mother's response to being betrayed by a man and left to fend for herself.
now we can plainly see a huge web of parallels, or better, repetitions. alex's sin is the same as the sin that begat him. and alex's guilt is the same as teacher saran's guilt. to an extent, alex's unwillingness to forgive teacher saran is the same as jean's unwillingness to forgive alex.
i'm not sure yet how those stories of forgiveness (or lack thereof) play out. but what's clear is that this show is telling us about the responsibility we have for others. loving someone, being with someone, puts responsibility on all of us to take care of them. otherwise, it creates hurt, especially for those who are often cast in a more critical light by society (women, queer people), and that hurt carries forward into the lives of our children.
Yeah I can tell people have lost their grasp on basic ongoing forms of oppression when they say things like "hatred of men and masculinity is one of the reasons trans women, BIPOC and Jewish men are persecuted" like what a non-sequiteur. Imagine being so ignorant of power structures in your attempt to """progressively""" defend men that you become transphobic