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#i never really had anyone to listen to me vent thru life and actually listen so having my friends to listen is. Comforting
mtnkat3 · 1 year
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Yeah.. gotta work on that yo-yo thing. Especially being affected by people like wh & my mom. Hard to keep my warrior crusty self wrapped around my marshmallow heart, to keep from being hurt. And of course the stress it induces.. I've had a really rough week with ibs. Trying to think about how to deal with it in the short term. Like psyllium capsules, salads, beans, & some grains.
But maybe now that got cobra fixed ... yahoo!😎 so I could get the right meds might help. And takes away one of the things majorly stressing me out.
So now onto things like my housing search. I'm thinking to do it properly, & that I've never rented, I probably need to invest into using a realtor to find a place. Sigh. But I need realistic goals & not the blingy stuff. What is important vs costs. Realistically, 700sq ft for <$1,000/mth would be great! But when I'm seeing such for $2k+.. & needing to find something in a good area.. a bit overwhelmed. Just so many things & tasks.
For a woman who's never moved but from parents, dorm & here.. then to rent. I'm looking at apartments because I can do short term, more places are accepting of elderly cat, & more places to look at. As much as I'd rather rent a small house or townhome just not many around. And $$$$. So also avoid debt as much as possible so as to save for my goals & dreams to come true!
Then.. I also wonder.. how my loves feel about it all. I know safety is something that you will be thinking about. So to not upset my loves I am making sure that's good too. Gates, locks, doors, security, etc.
Here.. I am always aware. Because wh will leave doors unlocked, when I think they are. Asked, do you have a safe place? No. Not even my bathroom. Heck, nor closet. Has been so well.. all along.
So yeah, I wanna think about the positive things, the good things, the changes I'm making & undergoing. To think about my future, goals, dreams, aspirations. To focus on those. And those things are what gets me thru my days.
I'd rather not seem like I'm venting, nor ripping into anyone. I just.. wanna make sure my soul's mates know what's happening. In the only way available to me.
Until the moment I get to dance into my loves arms.. get to feel him come up behind me in the kitchen.. shivery sigh.. closing my eyes.. my paradise. Seeing his eyes happy & full of love.. for me. To share my life with him. Those moments are the bliss my soul hangs on to. To soothe those world weary eyes.. it is my deepest longing.
I wanna love you with all of me.
To show you my love with the best of myself.
Why I pray to get my life right. To pray for God to help me to wake, to help me keep moving & not let the lethargy/exhaustion/depression take control so that I can accomplish all of my tasks. To work around the obstacles that wh is & get things done!
So now that I'm the warm seat for my cat.. I still work on tasks, like finding places to put on lists to call about. Trailers, housing, etc. Until everything is done!
And I can write you... I. AM. FREE.!!!
That moment...
It is a HUGE motivator for me.
Know what else...?
I wonder what you're doing.. how you are.. feel.. thinking.. do you think about how we will fit into each other's lives? I do. I think about the mundane to the extraordinary.
And.. I am & always will be.. your huckleberry.
I wanna cook, laugh, throw flour, have tickle wars,.. watch you brush your teeth.. think about how your beards grows.. how do you tend to it.. how long.. soft or bristly.. even watch you dress. Not spooky. More like.. how you move. Watch how the muscles of your body move.. yeah everybody puts on their pants & such the same. But. A person's body movements are like a fingerprint. Are actually even more individual than fingerprints.Heck, was used in MI:3,I think. Science & technology. The human brain. Fascinating to me. Blushing grin.
Ok. Sigh. Listen to csi:cyber whilst get some of my tasks further along.
I miss you terribly.
OMG how I miss you..
I love you beyond my own understanding. Much less anyone else.
I will never give up.
I believe wholeheartedly.
~True love never dies & true love always waits.~
I work whilst I await.. on my cliffside.
Your humbled, impatient, complex, warrior queen daughter.
~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. 🌺
👩⚓🙏🙇‍♀️☔💡🌂🔗⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽🦅 🥧🍁🧣🥾🥤🥮🍯🍼☕🍫🍎🍑🍒
🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵⌚⚡🌠🗝🔱⚜💝🐻🦌🧩♠️♾🎯🧭🕯🎶💋
Sa.10.22.2022 9.09pm est.
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kynthosmojo · 4 years
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Venting
HERE BE SPOILERS!! SPN S15 E2 - Raising Hell
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(gif by @sasquatchandleatherjacket​, thank God for you. If you want me to remove this I will, but I honestly felt the way Sam looks right now)
Ep 2 - 
Additional chess pieces: Rowena, Ketch, Kevin, Chuck, Amara
New enemies: Jack the Ripper, New faceless female demon?!
Mysteriously missing out on the fun: Woman in White, Bloody Mary, Gacy Clown
Short Version: Leader Sam is not acting normal; Jack the Ripper was annoyingly cool; Civilians are infinitely stupid. Someone tells you it is dangerous to go somewhere and you go? You could ask the people keeping you safe to go get the shit you need for emergencies, but no. Useless Angel is again useless and getting more useless, also arguing with the heroes with no solution for his damn self.
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So yeah, the first thing we get is a surprisingly creepy start, middle of the night, human disregarding the rules, get killed by what looks like a person she knows. Oh but wait, he was possessed. Very interesting ghost, psychotic, scary actually.
Angel being useless arguing with Sam instead of making himself useful. He is stronger than the humans, so shouldn't he be on patrol?? Even shouldn't he go looking for the missing ppl?
Oh Sam, How I wish you would have just snapped a little bit harder. Why not "When we say do not go in, you do not go in! Now someone's missing, isn't that a clue? Thank you for making our jobs that much harder! Now, if you need emergency items, we have ppl to help with that who know what they are doing. Stop trying to end up dead, and do as I say!"
Oh, the new HGIC is Jack The Ripper? Oh shit.
Oh great, stupid people not listening, yet again!
Oh so JTR has trouble getting attention too. Anyway, this mofo seems to be no joke.
Civilians stand there and breathe after you heard gunshots and growling, and see dead ppl, no don't run. Yah great.
Cass, argumentative as usual. What exactly do you expect Sam and his hunters to do since they are already busy? YOU go look for stupid humans who don't listen, just like yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play: Bobbing for guest stars! Rowena sweeps in and flirts with Cass. Ugh, why?
OK, SO 12:30 SECONDS INTO THE WHOLE 45 MIN SHOW AND WE FINALLY SEE SAM AND DEAN ON THE SAME SCREEN! Yah great.
Shoot them, my guys, I am pretty sure it will hurt less than what I am afraid will happen! YEP I. WAS. RIGHT!!!!!
And the brothers' scene together is over at 13:36 for commercial but resumes at 16:30 and goes through 19:00… so far. Total of about 5mins, 30secs. Anxiously waiting for more…
Guest Star # 2! Ketch is in the line-up!
OH! And a gun that shoots Iron Flakes. (in Bobby's voice)Used to be when you needed to get a ghost outta ya, you'd take a hit of rock salt. It would hurt like a bitch, but you'd live. And these two maybe wouldn't have gotten their guts ripped up waiting on Ketch's appearance with his new convenient toy!!!
Meanwhile, what a convenient way to bring up a new demon. Female named Ardat. GREAT…
Chuck and Sissy sitting in a tree, A-R-G-U-I-N-G. Why do they sound like an old married couple already? Oh yeah, because apparently, it is better to be hetero and incestuous than… NVM won't go there.
ANYWAY… 6th grader 'does so and so like me' bullshit from Rowena, I can only guess that is coming up on Ketch's side. Poor Dean. Then USELESS wants to try to start a convo Dean definitely doesn't wanna hear. And why is he trying to preach that all of this is supposed to happen like this anyway! That's life let's just move on?! Are you fucking serious?! Oh and that supposed inspirational, but actually desperate grab "We are" was so damn stupid. Like I keep saying, USELESS.
Oh and their screen time in case no one cares: 20:50 through 23:15. Total less than 2mins, 25 secs. And it was a painfully dry conversation I could well have done without.
Was so very right about the 6th grader bullshit! Oh great, instead of Salt hula hoops and gun bungees, we get loose ass chain links of iron around the neck that can fall off at any time! Tell me Mr. BMOL, how come you don’t have a convenient better-thing-than-an-iron-chain-link-necklace!!!!
Hello, 'nother guest star. It's Kevin Tran, everyone! Thanks for conveniently saving the moment again. And after the demon kid tells you multiple times that the wards are temporary, KEVIN tells you once that it is weakening and yay! It hits home. Don't get mad at the demon for not listening.
Chuck and Sissy sitting in a tree, A-R-G-U-I-N-G. Again. Little retreat? Priceless relationship? He wants to deepen what they have? Start a new species?! GURRL JUST SAY NO! Ohh but she figured him out, so now the trouble starts. He's low on power, he needs her help, he's scared.
Brother time! 34:10 through… hold on while I catch this, why is it always Sam to give away a secret? And why is Belphegor being a snoopy little sneak? Oh and suddenly he makes more sense than experience?! They cannot get Kevin to heaven cuz Chuck isn't their friend anymore? I am sure spells still work... 35:30…
OOH! Break for shoulder issue… and back to bros at 35:38-ish and back and forth for a few secs again because Chuck is freaking out. It is like the deity has never felt pain before. But that would mean he forgot when Amara punched him in his figurative balls last time huh? You 'member, when he almost DIED?
So Dean is worried again, but Sam refuses to even acknowledge it (kinda badass, kinda stubbornly stupid). OK, Bros done at about 35:58. Another generous minute and some. Geez.
Whoops, Kevin forgot that he could leave the way he came in. That was a mistake.
Oh, macgruder here we go with the only female on the team must help the men repopulate the earth or at the very least be raring to go because what? She's a newly free feminist with all the power over her cooch so the first thing she does is wanna give it up? Ketchwena? AWKWARD. Yah great.
Rowena had to take the long way thru the badlands to get the new weapon, also temporary, to the boys. It isn't tested, so instead of testing it out on the fucking ghost who would definitely deserve it who caught up to you before your destination, let's allow Ketch to play jealous new suitor and knight in shining armor! Oh and then he gets put in a vulnerable position! Yah great.
Segway back to… Why is it that because Rowena is the only female POA (piece of ass) on the team, she has to flirt with Cass, then Ketch, AND she has a history with Jack the Ripper? And yet, she treats Sam like he's a naughty kid she's babysitting, but ppl want to ship them two like the fucking Titanic!
Oh right back to Winchesters. Actually, the whole team is here now. Yah great.
ANYWAY… How TF and when did JTR get in Ketch between his stand-off with the Winchesters, trying to consume Kevin and the new untested weapon finally being TESTED! Only to find out it ain't as badass as the first one!!!!! Convenient. Yah great.
Don't think I forgot… The fucking force field spell thing is a one-off?! BOO newbie! So now it has a weak spot and everyone conveniently knows where it is.
So, did anyone else see the Ketch thing coming? Why TF did he need to have Rowena's back from so close? Yeah, I saw that flinch JTR! Why oh why did Dean shoot his load into the hundreds of ghosts when he had limited ammo and was apparently the ONLY one allowed to sneak in ammo?! Again, USELESS is in the background, useless. He can see a demon's true face, but can't tell when someone is possessed by a ghost?
So what if Dean wouldn't hesitate to shoot Ketch, couldn't one person, or useless fucking Angel bring the Iron Frosted Flake Gun? Oh but the Angel can heal, right? No?! Seriously WTF!!!! DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM ANYMORE SAM!
LITERALLY ALL OF THIS SHIT COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED!!!! I agree with conflict for building, enhancing, and developing the plot, but fucking really?!
EWWW Ketchwena again?! OK, but also, Ketch flirted with Dean more than the useless Angel supposedly did.
And WTF is this?! NOW we are gonna listen to a demon when he says Kevin cannot be returned to heaven? Before, no one could be bothered to trust Belphegor's uncanny wisdom. ARE THEY FUCKING FORGETTING THAT THE SAME SPELL THAT SENT BOBBY UP FROM HELL SHOULD WORK ON KEVIN? AND ISN’T IT MORE WORTH IT TO TRY THAN NOT?!!!!!!
Oh, but then let's let Kevin out a little hole in the electric fence and have it take long enough that no other ghosts happen to sneak thru. Oh, they are that scared of Belphegor? Really? So he should have been the one on patrol AT ALL TIMES!!!!
Chuck and Sissy sitting in a tree, A-R-G-U-I-N-G. Yet again! Geez, dude get a clue!
BECAUSE LOOK NOW! THERE ARE TONS OF GHOSTS STILL COMING FROM 'SOMEWHERE'! SHOULDN'T WE BE TRYING TO GET TO THAT SPOT AND SHUT THAT SPOT DOWN? MAYBE? AS A START?
WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW? I'VE ONLY BEEN WATCHING A SHOW THAT SHUTS DOWN HELLMOUTHS AS A HOBBY FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS!
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ledamemangociana · 4 years
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2020 20 questions meme time UWU
i was tagged by @decertatio to do this! i havent spent enough time on here recently to tag anyone, B U T! if you see this and would like to do this, consider yourself tagged, and let me know! i wanna read your answers UWU
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1. Do you make your bed? - GAWD NO, at least not 70% of the time, im so bad at this. it’s coz on the weekdays, i start working at 6:30am or 7am at home coz my bosses are in Australia and a lot of our clients are in Australia and/or New Zealand, and they’re 3 or 4 hours ahead of us, so i gotta get on those emails and support case tickets as soon as i can, so i give myself about an hour to catch up, and then i hurry out of the condo to get to the office before im marked late at 10am lolololol. on the weekends, when im at home, BECAUSE im just at home, i never fix my bed coz im in it 85% of the time anyway lakdjf
2. What’s your favorite number?  - 13, cliche as it sounds. not coz i think it’s lucky or anything, but because other people around me thought it was. i kind of clung onto it when i was in high school coz i wanted to fit in by standing out.
3. What’s your job? - An accounts and client services manager at a digital services agency.
4. If you could, would you go back to school? - Probably not. I love learning, HATE studying. 
5. Can you parallel park? - i never got far enough into being taught how to drive by mom to get to parking
6. A job you had which would surprise people? I think every job I’ve ever held, tbh. I graduated interior design mainly because my dad told me to when i asked him if i should enroll in advertising instead (the entrance exam i passed was good for either course). the only ID job i ever had lasted only two weeks, at a firm i had to do my internship/OJT at. it was my first job, and i was let go after two weeks. after that, i was a call center agent for two months, and then a copywriter for 6 months, and then an SEO specialist for a year and a half, and then a social media content/community manager at one firm for one year, and then for another agency for 3 and a half, and now im in my second year as an accounts manager at a digital services cloud agency. even i’m surprised at this job list tbh.
7. Do you think aliens are real? - i absolutely do believe that we are not the only life in this big, huge, wide, expansive universe that the planet earth is but a miniscule blip on. there’s definitely other life out there.
8. Can you drive a manual car? - i haven’t driven a car legitimately outside of learning how to drive, but yeh i probably can, since that was what my mom taught me with.
9. What’s your guilty pleasure? - junk food and soft drinks, but in general i try not to feel guilty about anything i take pleasure in
10. Tattoos? - none, but i am ACHING for them. i’ve had ideas for a loooong time. one that i DEFINITELY want to get as my first one is part of a letter that i found that my mom wrote for me in high school. “i know that you will be able to stand up for yourself and the world will stop and take notice.” i still have the letter, so i still have it in her handwriting. i want it on the inside of my left forearm. 
11. Favorite color? - Pink! lighter/softer/pastel shades are my preferred ones, but i love any shade or hue of pink tbh
12. Things people do that drive you crazy? - i hate fake guilt trips. like, when someone wants me to do something that i can’t do, they’ll come in with like “nah, it’s fine, i’ll just drop all these SUPER IMPORTANT things im doing and go out of my way to do this thing that im asking you to do because i’m SOOOOO sorry that you’re unable to do it yourself” coz it’s like...dude, if you really were able to do that or if you wanted to actually do that, you wouldn’t have asked me to do the thing in the first place. like, you’re clearly just saying that to make me feel bad enough to make me drop everything im doing and do whatever it is you asked me to do. i also hate when ppl fish for compliments by being falsely humble or self-deprecating. like. PLEASE, y’all, i’ve lived with negative amounts of self-esteem for literal decades, i know the difference between actual self-loathing and you just wanting to hear good things about yourself that you don’t want to be called narcissistic for saying about yourself. i know what it sounds like when someone is actually going THRU something or is actually having an actual hard time accepting themselves and/or asking people for what they need as opposed to when someone just wants to be told something. like. don’t insult my intelligence and experiences like that. granted, there are nuances to consider for all of these things, bUT like i said, i know the differences when i see them.
13. Any Phobias? - i have a phobia of drowning that’s light enough to NOT keep me away from water but bad enough to sometimes make watching or listening to scenes where someone could potentially drown to set some triggers off for me. i also just have a really really bad fear of dying because of getting my oxygen cut off, coz that sounds like a really slow, painful way to die.
14. Favorite childhood sport? - i was never really a sports kid. the only sport i ever really enjoyed playing willingly was badminton. i trained for a few summers but never competed, but i got good enough to make games in a court fun. i still have my badminton racquet, it’s the only Legit™ badminton racquet in the house (it’s a Yonex, handed down to me by my trainer, only been restrung twice or thrice coz the last restringing was done so damn well), all the other racquets were inexpensive unbranded knock-offs that were good enough for me and my family to have casual games with.
15. Do you talk to yourself? - yes but mostly as a product of deep focus or concentration, or really heavy emotion. having social media has lessened doing it for the latter since i can just vent on here or on twitter, but when im doing stuff for work that’s hard or needs a lot of focus or concentration, i have full-on stand-up meetings with myself.
16. What movie do you adore? - “Romy And Michele’s High School Reunion.” it’s not a perfect movie by any means, but for someone who was a bullied outcast for much of elementary and high school years in a private, all-girls, Catholic school where everyone was tall and thin and pretty and pale and smart and popular, ALL the things that i wasn’t, it was - is? - like a beacon or a hug.
17. Do you like doing puzzles? - heck yeh, coz solving them makes me feel smart, and not being able to solve them but learning HOW to is so much fun for me.
18. Favorite kind of music? - i don’t know that i have one, to be honest, i haven’t listened to current radio in literal YEARS because i dont own a radio in the condo, i barely watch TV anymore, and i dont spend enough time in a vehicle to really know what’s up. i enjoy pop, hip-hop, rnb, showtunes.
19. Tea or coffee? - more of a coffee person myself, actual tea always just tastes LEGITIMATELY like leaf water to me, and i cant find a liking for it. i do really love sweet tea and milktea tho. but yeh, im mostly a bean juice person.
20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? - An architect, like my dad. i thought i would be one, up until i discovered writing in high school, and then i thought i wanted to become a journalist until i took it up as my first course in college and hated it. but yeh, it was always “architect! like daddy!” when i was asked that question when i was a kid. i looked up to him so much as a kid, and he and i were super tight when i was younger coz i was his firstborn and a daughter. we used to call each other best friends. i miss those days a lot; things between us seemed simpler, but maybe that’s because i didn’t have the ideals, knowledge and capacity to question the way he loves/loved me as My Parent™. our relationship these days is absolutely skewed and skewered.
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((uhhh for some context this started out as a vent post and has become a friendship appreciation post so i guess you can read it if you wanna hear about my amazing pals and our vague emotional journey over the past week))
I’ve had kind of a weird and emotionally exhausting week. I can’t explain why it was this way; sometimes we just pull up to the drive-thru of life and the guy on duty is like “feelings machine broken.” I say this in good humor because I like making people laugh about my problems, but I’m also being a little serious. I think the feelings machine broke for a bit.
I started the week with loads of impending due dates, a strange houseguest, and the realization that I need to let go of someone I’ve held onto for too long. Or at least, the idea of him. Honestly it doesn’t seem like much in hindsight, but I get panicky when my perception is that there’s too much on my plate. Plus that last task is something that’s been building up for like 7 months. I felt really numb for the first three days of the week, and I was tired all the time. It was like the feeling you got as a kid when you lose your favorite blanket or plush toy or something and you know it’s gonna show up again, but you don’t want to wait for it and also what if it doesn’t actually come back?
I’ve been getting a lot better gradually, and this is due mostly to the patience and love of two of my good friends (who also both happen to be mutuals. Hi guys!) They brighten my day so much and I love that I get to see them all throughout the week. They’re dependable--much more so than me--and they’re kind to a fault. They always make me laugh. Right now, they’re the best thing in my life. Right now, it doesn’t matter whether the lost blanket/plush toy/whatever comes back because I really like what I have right now.
This is not to say that they’re perfect--and I would never put that kind of pressure on either of them. We’ve all had a weird and emotionally straining week, with out own problems and sources of worry etc etc etc...but I think we’ve all kept one another going. At least, I hope I help them even half as much as they help me just by being around and available. I honestly haven’t even been talking to them too much about what was bothering me, which is silly of me, but it actually helped me a lot to listen to their own concerns this week and it put things in perspective for me: we all have struggles. Helping other people with their own problems is sometimes the best thing you can do to alleviate the emotional burden of your own.
I guess what started out as a vent post has become a fluffy friend-appreciation post. I think that means things are getting better around here. I’m going to have a pretty lowkey weekend so if anyone who reads this has a prayer request or just wants to talk, I’ll try to respond as quickly as possible and help out. I want to pay it forward by being a good and supportive friend to my mutuals here--especially those who don’t get to see their friends irl as often as I get to see mine. 
Thanks for reading this wordsmash of emotions. I dont think I could accurately summarize it if I tried. But the thing we all lost as a kid--that blanket or plush toy or whatever? I think it’s gonna come back, so don’t let it trouble you.
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daneeeeka · 6 years
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These past 24 hours have had me in a state of shock.. Gonna just vent it all out to get it over with and move past this bs.
It really amazes me how selfish and self-centered some people are.. You think you know someone and then they show you their true colors lol. You’re the person that goes above and beyond for them for YEARS and then when they suddenly feel better and find people more similar to their preferred lifestyle, they throw you under the bus. Lol I truly find it ironic how you can do so much for someone for so long and they never appreciate it. To say I’m shocked would be an understatement, but our friends say they were not surprised because this is the type of person you are. I wish they told me earlier and I don’t know why I never saw it, but I’m glad you finally showed me, otherwise years down the road, it would have just hurt more. I am in a period of my life where I am working towards my future.. all of us are making strides and trying to better ourselves and open up our career opportunities. You, on the other hand, are the type to focus on your present happiness. You want to party and have fun, and while that’s fine for a time, you don’t want to be spending the rest of your peak years doing that, do you? Your new friends are in their mid-twenties and not doing anything about their careers. You guys go out and party and mess around every other day. What will amount from that? What kind of progress will you be making by hanging out with these types of people? 
Anyways that’s none of my business. My business is me. And you have made me feel angry, hurt, doubtful. You made me question my value as a friend. I’m really glad I have the others here for me, to reassure me that the things you said were untrue and spoken out of emotional lunacy. I know that I am a great friend and that I have done so much good in the lives of others. You made me feel so undervalued. You made me feel as if my feelings weren’t as important as yours. Where the others always thanked me for the things I do for them, you never truly appreciated me.. I see that now. All those times I’ve been there for you.. literally doing MILES more than anyone ever has or ever will do.. you’ve taken me for granted. I gave and gave and you just kept taking and taking. When have you ever given back to me? I was always the one picking you up, making you feel better, supporting you, encouraging you. Friendship is a balance between give-and-take, and all you did was take. 
I know down the road you will eventually realize that you made a mistake and you will regret treating me this way. Even my own friends who barely knew you told me that they could see how much I do for you. I guess everyone could see it except you. Where were your new bffs when you were torn apart, crying all those nights? Where were they when you were heartbroken and lost? They were like “oh so sorry.. let’s go out and have fun so you can forget about it” but did they ever take you into their home and tuck you into their bed when you showed up high and crying at 2am? Did they ever stay on the phone with you for hours while you were drunk and bawling your eyes out? Did they ever volunteer to pick you up when you were stranded on the streets? Did they ever encourage you to study and work towards your future and pursue your dream school despite the odds? Do they even do anything except invite you out to have fun & drink and let you complain about your love life? Who was there all those times you were at rock bottom? Now you’re better and they wanna hang out with you more. Coincidence? That’s because friends like that only want you during the good. Real, true friends have been with you there the entire time, thru the good times and the bad times. And you may have attacked specifically me, but we all agree that it was an attack on all of us. If you hang out with them in the future, I hope you know in the back of your mind that even though they don’t explicitly say it, you’ve broken their trust too. You attacking and hurting me opened their eyes as well. You only cared about how you felt and not how your actions have affected all of us. You were inconsiderate towards everyone but yourself. 
You are a hypocrite. Saying we shouldn’t do this and that when we all agree that you were the biggest culprit. Suddenly it minutely involves your new homegirl and you make a 180? lol truly hypocritical and you know it. You turn around and say all these nasty things about me. At first, I wasn’t even going to bother replying. But then you continued to try to provoke me so I took some time to think about it and gave you a response. I pointed out the flaw in your logic and told you the straight up truth. I still treated you like an adult. I still showed you respect, but you reacted irrationally. You couldn’t handle it because you knew you were wrong. You decided to remove yourself, and you know what? That’s fine. Like I told you yesterday, I don’t have time for this kind of immaturity. If you want to handle your problems by being shady and starting drama like high schoolers, that’s on you. But I have so much more going for me rn and I don’t need to spend time chasing after people who don’t appreciate me. Speaking of the truth, you say you started having bad feelings for me since a couple months ago. In between that time and now, we have hung out alone multiple times and have had talks where we told each other how much we appreciated that our friendship is strong enough that we could always be honest with each other if we ever had issues with the other person. Everyone that knows me that I am honest, probably to a fault. But what comes along with honesty is that I am always straight up with other people and am willing to talk thru any misunderstandings and come up with a compromise. You pulling that shit yesterday basically proved that you are fake, if what you said is actually true. You were fake this whole time and thru all those conversations we had with each other.. Yesterday, you said we don’t really know each other after all. You’re right. I didn’t know you. I never ever thought you would turn out to be so fake, two-faced, and hypocritical. Narcissistic, stubborn, and emotional, yes. I knew all of these but nobody is perfect. Friends accept you for who you are. These things I could see past because I loved you and cared about you. But I never thought you would turn out to be this cruel. 
I honestly wonder if you will ever take a step back and reflect on your actions. Will you ever be able to mature emotionally and recognize the things you’ve done and their consequences? Or will you continue to run to friends and let them validate you, despite you being wrong. This is a mistake our friends and I have been making.. and now it has turned around and bitten us. We agree that we cannot make someone learn if they do not want to learn. You never truly wanted to learn your lessons. That’s why you continued to go thru the same problems with the same people over and over and over again. We realize now that we babied you for far too long and now you’ve become used to this type of behavior. We made a mistake, but we will learn from it. Will you?
What bothered me the most wasn’t that you were a hypocrite or that you said nasty, irrelevant things about me. I guess what hurt was knowing that you took me for granted all these years. All these years I’ve spent giving you my friendship, support, loyalty.. and you throw it away for these new “friends.” I introduced you to this girl.. you’ve seen the damage she has caused our other friend, and you still choose to defend her despite it all. Now I never really said much about you staying friends with bad people (not just her, but the other guy too) because you can choose whoever you wanna be friends with. But to choose them over someone who has been there for you since day 1 thru literally everything.. wow. priorities.
You say I talked about you behind your back, but who would I have even talked to? I don’t talk much to any of your friends, much less about you. The only people to whom I’ve even said your name are our friends, and they know that despite everything you do, I’ve always tried to be supportive, despite not completely condoning your behavior. You tried to manipulate our friends by texting them individually and saying bad things about me. Who is the real person talking badly behind the other’s back now? I’m glad they told me.. and I’m glad they knew better. That is so vindictive of you, trying to make our friends feel bad for you and make me look like the bad guy. I will never ever make them choose sides but I’m SO fucking thankful they are mature enough to realize what is morally right and wrong in this situation. I’m so thankful that they appreciate me and are honest with me.. something you evidently cannot do. I’m not even mad. I’m just so disappointed.. this is the person you turned out to be. 
If you showed me that you even cared for anyone else’s feelings besides your own or that you could listen to anyone else’s perspective besides your own, I think I would have tried to talk to you. I’m glad you showed me your true self. Our friends say they always knew you were like that and expected that to happen, but I never saw it coming.. you really blindsided me.. I think I was the one that always tried to see the good in you, always kept trying to help you and guide you and support you. What you did and how you handled it was immature, selfish, inconsiderate.. I was so shocked last night and all of today. But I’ve finally come to terms with it. This is who you are. 
Our friends are right. We are on different paths in life. Partying and having fun and making new friends is your priority right now. If you are truly happy being stuck in that scene and being around these types of people who will never help you amount to anything more, then good for you. You’re caught up in these temporary fleeting moments of happiness doing “fun” stuff and getting to know these new people. That’s fine. I know that in time you will see that you’ve made a mistake. Whether you’ll find the courage to own up to it and try to fix things, I don’t know ..nor do I really care right now. You’ve really stabbed me in the back and everyone agrees that I made the right decision in cutting you off. I don’t need your toxicity in my life. Maybe you were just holding me down the entire time. I gave and gave and now my love for you is empty. You took all those years I gave you and you broke it. All for what.. these temporary people and the temporary fun. You’ll regret it. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. When they abandon you or when you outgrow them, don’t crawl back to me expecting open arms. You broke our friendship and the trust we shared. Next time you’re broken, you’ll be alone and you’ll think about this moment. I really hope they were worth it. 
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sweetnestor · 7 years
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You Look Happier | Chapter 9
university au, teamiplier + jack
platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)
previous chapter
“Run that by me again?”  I asked, shocked.
Mark was a little taken aback at my outburst. “I want you to be involved in this project. You’ll get to work with all of us. You’ve been… an inspiration to me. I understand it sounds a little-”
“Invasive,” I finished, folding my arms. “You’re basing your alter ego, one that your fans worship, off of my personal struggles, and-”
“That’s why I’m giving you control over that particular thing. You can’t expect me to call off this project, there’s already so much that’s gone into it!” Mark argued. “And you’re the one who inspired a majority of what this ego is! Don’t you remember you telling me your ideas a couple years ago?”
“I was drunk and destructive!” I shot back. I paced his living room, fuming. “That was me venting, that wasn’t for your creative process! God, I should have known! This was why you started talking to me again, right? You just wanted something from me!”
“Now hold on-”
“You were just manipulating me! And I fell for it, como una pinche pendeja! No lo puedo creer!”
“Listen to me!” Mark snapped, his voice booming. Then he brought it down a notch. “If you don’t want to be involved in this project, then fine. It’s going to happen with or without you. But I have never tried to manipulate you into anything! I promise you, I would never do something like that.”
I didn’t say anything to that. My defensiveness only rose higher. He had to be lying. He brought me back into his life just as he started working on this project that included the alter ego that was the representation of my dark and intrusive thoughts. That had to be the only reason why he contacted me.
“Alright, you know what?” Mark spitefully said. “Wait until the videos come out. You’ll see what manipulation is. You’ll see the difference between me and whatever you’re feeling right now.”
Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my purse and left his house. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to fall for any of this. He just needed me for something, and then he would leave again. He didn’t want to be friends again. Why would he want to be friends with me?
I came home to an empty apartment. I didn’t have any classes to keep me busy today, and the only two people I talked to had their own things to worry about. I was alone again.
But then I thought about Ethan. He was apart of Mark’s big project. Was he apart of the “Manipulating Bella” plan? Did Mark tell Ethan to pretend to date me to let my guard down, just so Mark could sneak in and take more away from me? Was that all I was to them?
My phone was pulled out of my pocket, and I was typing a frantic message to Ethan as I paced around the living room. “I know what you’re doing and I’m not stupid enough to fall for it! Mark already told me what was going on and what he wanted from me! Never talk to me-”
Suddenly, I stopped typing. Was I going to dump him so abruptly? Over a text?
That’s what he deserves, said the bad voice in my head.
Does he, though? Did this really make any sense?
Quickly, I backspaced and wrote out a different message. “Do you actually like me?” Too desperate, try again. “What do you think of me?” That’s better. I hesitated for a moment before sending it.
The time it took for him to reply went agonizingly slow. I continued pacing and rubbing my hands together, and then nearly screamed when someone knocked on the door. I had a fleeting moment of sheer panic, but then the lightbulb going off in my head made me relax again. But then I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. Ethan was supposed to come over today. That meant we were going to have quite the conversation.
“Did you get my text?” was the first thing I said to him. My mind was starting to spiral, and I had to come back to earth before I impulsively dumped him.
“Um, yeah. I’m glad I came over, actually,” he replied, entering the vicinity. “Is everything okay?”
There were so many things I was feeling, I couldn't put any of them into a coherent sentence. I couldn't lie and say I was fine, either. Ethan had already seen my text, and I couldn't keep the worried look off my face. I walked towards the living room with him following after me.
“So what do you think of me?” I asked, but then I had to explain. “I know I probably sound insane and I'm sorry, but I'm… I feel like…” I paused, not know which emotion to express. “I feel like I'm freaking out over nothing?”
He looked worried, but also confused. “Um… did something happen?”
This wasn't helping. “Do you still like me?”
“Yeah, of course,” he said without hesitating.
“Why?”
He shrugged lightly, like this was no big deal to him. “‘Cause… you get me. And you're funny and talented and… you're patient with me. I don't know, it's not coming out the way it is in my head. There's a lot of reasons.”
I nodded. I knew he had trouble getting his words together. I knew that feeling all too well. “Can you… tell me I'm being paranoid?”
“You're being paranoid,” he said like it was a question. “Bella, what happened?”
Now I was hesitating. A huge ball of emotion and tears were stuck in my throat. I needed someone to tell me that I was being stupid, that the anxiety was playing with me again, because I couldn’t trust myself to calm down alone. Ethan was here, and he wasn’t scared off yet.
I sighed, and then I explained what went down with Mark earlier in the day. Somehow, I didn’t cry, but my speech was shaky and frantic. “...a-and you work for him, and I had a moment of…”
“You think I would manipulate you?” he finished in disbelief. “I’d never do that, I promise.”
“Promise is a big word that adds pressure,” I said.
“Well… I would never do anything to hurt you. You gotta trust me.”
Trust? Don’t know her. Don’t like her… but I have to play nice with her. No more shutting people out. I talked about this so I could feel better and come to some sort of solution.
I nodded lightly. “I’m trying.”
“Okay. Trying counts as progress.” He paused. “I… I know things like this aren’t easy for you… but I’m glad you were able to tell me.”
What is it about Ethan that makes these things less difficult? A year ago, I could barely tell Mark what I wanted for dinner, much less be intimate with him. Maybe things were better off this way.
~
A few days later, it was Jack’s birthday. I had gotten him a bundle of Overwatch merch (like he needed more) and then… we went to Mark’s house for a little celebration. The only reason why I went was because it’s my best friend, and I reminded myself of the time he ditched his other friends at Thanksgiving because of me. Also, Ethan was there. So were Tyler, Kathryn, and Amy. To them, I was only there because of Jack, but it wasn’t as awkward as I had anticipated.
“Did you have a good birthday?” I asked once we were back in the car.
“Yeah,” Jack replied, still high from the euphoria and the drinks he had. “It was fun. Were you okay? I noticed you didn’t drink at all.”
“I had to drive,” I said. “And I did this for you. Plus, I didn’t have a panic attack, so that’s cool.”
“It was a great day!” Jack cheered, throwing his arms up. “Let’s get ice cream!”
I giggled. “Whatever the birthday boy wants.”
“In that case, let’s also get a yacht and twelve puppies!”
After going to a Sonic drive-thru, I took us home. It was late in the evening, and I was mildly exhausted from all the interaction. But Jack was still a bundle of energy, like always. When we sat on the couch, I took out my phone and posted an old selfie of us on Instagram with a heartfelt happy birthday caption. I hadn't checked my social media all day, but I could guess that I was probably getting yelled at for not publicly wishing my friend a happy birthday.
“So how was it pretending not to be Ethan's girlfriend?” asked that particular friend.
“Easy, because you were there,” I replied, still scrolling on my phone.
“Why didn't you guys tell everyone? It seemed like the perfect time,” Jack mused. “They were all there.”
I chuckled. “I'm not stealing your thunder on your birthday.”
“I wouldn't have minded! Now you guys have to pretend to not be dating when we're all together for a weekend,” he said.
That was true. Another thing that happened at the party was Mark, Tyler, and Ethan's idea for all of us to take a trip to the Grand Canyon at the end of the month. Don't get me wrong, I was still salty at Mark about the Darkiplier thing. If it wasn't for Ethan and Jack, then I would have turned down the trip. A weekend with the friends Mark abandoned me for? It sounded like a nightmare. But I was trying to be a bigger, stronger person.
“Hmm, do you think Mark would be mad if I told him about me and Ethan?” I wondered, leaning back so I was slouching.
Jack thought about it. “Well, he was mad when he found out you and I were friends, and we didn’t even try to hide that.”
I chewed my lip nervously. “Oh man. And you guys aren’t as close anymore because of that?”
“I wouldn’t say that. He threw a party for me, and we had a good time. Sometimes friends grow distant for a little bit. And besides… he hurt you pretty bad. But time goes on.”
After all this time, I still didn’t understand how Jack picked me over Mark, but I didn’t feel like getting into that. My mind was too clogged up for any more overthinking. I was already less sad about life and being alive, I didn’t want to soil it with my own intrusive thoughts.
We continued on with the week, already accustomed to our YTU schedules. Awake and out of the house by seven. Drop off Jack. Go back home and sleep. Breakfast is optional. Seeing the boyfriend is also optional. Classes from twelve to four. Dinner by six. Spend the rest of the day with either the bestie or the boyfriend.
One day, though, I got out of my psych lecture when Ethan had some downtime. We met up on the courtyard and walked around the area, keeping a decent distance apart. There were lurkers and gossip channels all over. Not that anyone paid any attention to us, I was just mildly paranoid. Plus, on some gossip channels, I was still painted as ‘Markiplier’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,’ so that’s fun.
“Have you made any new friends?” I asked as we strolled by the fountain.
“Yeah, I talk to some people in my classes,” he replied. “Well, in one class. I have Mark and Amy in video production and bio.”
“Cool,” I said, even though I was surprised to hear about those two. Didn’t know Mark decided to come back, and to bring his non-YouTuber girlfriend with him. “My biology class requires group work, and I’m trying really hard not to drop the course.”
“Aw, no. Do you talk to anyone at all?”
I shook my head. “I could literally be failing the class and I won’t ask for help or anything.”
“Whoa… wait. So, being in a room full of people is really stressful for you, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So then… why did you enroll here in the first place?”
There was a huge story behind that, but I stuck with the short answer. “My followers.”
I stopped in my tracks when my phone rang. My stomach sank when I discovered a new Twitter DM from someone named ‘Peebles.’ Oh crap, today’s the day.
“So, um,” I said to Ethan, unable to tear my eyes away from the screen, “did I tell you that Amy wanted to meet up with me?”
“Really?” he asked, surprised. “Now?”
I nodded, reading over the message. “She wants to meet at The Tube in about an hour.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Always.”
“Hey,” Ethan said, putting his hand on my shoulder, “it’ll be okay. I know Amy, she’s really cool once you get to know her. And she’s really nice, and she’s probably just as nervous as you are.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay… it’s fine. This is fine.”
“Do you need a distraction or something?”
“Yes please.”
“Wanna drop me off at the office?”
It was a good idea. Driving took my mind off of things. Although, it was a fairly short ride from campus to the office, and Ethan had to get out of the car quickly just in case the blonde alien lady left the building. Although, he did quickly duck back in to kiss me goodbye, and then he went on his way to the office.
Getting to The Tube was a bit more stressful, because I didn’t have anyone to talk me down from the oncoming anxiety attack. I was in the parking lot, trying not to hyperventilate. I should have suggested another place to meet up, given that this particular diner didn’t have a nice place in my history. But I was here now, and I couldn’t back out. It would only make things worse.
We met up and sat at a booth. Thankfully, it wasn’t so busy at this hour. Nerves were still pretty high, though. She ordered a coffee, and I stuck with water.
“Sorry I took a while to contact you,” she began. “So much has been going on, there’s this project we’re all working on. It’s taking up a lot of time.”
“Yeah, I heard,” I told her. “Mark was telling me some stuff about it.” And I turned into a mega-bitch, which I was sure he told Amy about.
She nodded. “Yeah… um, how often do you talk to him?”
The reason why we were here: Mark. I shoved my hands under my thighs to keep them from shaking, but then my whole body began to tremble. I made myself rigid to keep myself still. The last thing I need is for my physiological symptoms to show and freak her out.
“Usually, once a week,” I replied. “But he’s been busy, so…”
“And you guys talk about… the past?”
I shrugged. “Yeah. Mistakes we made, moving on. I kind of assumed that he had told you.”
“Yeah, he tells me some things. I know it’s between you guys, so I try not to butt in. I know he’s doing this so he and I can have a better relationship.” She paused. “And he wants to be friends with you.”
“That’s because we were friends before we dated,” I said.
“I know. He would talk about you… like, when we first met.”
Blood began pounding in my ears. If I had eaten anything at all today, I would have thrown it back up. I couldn’t even drink my water.
“He never told me about you,” I softly admitted. “I never knew you existed until he broke up with me.”
Amy’s face fell a little. She leaned back in her seat and stayed quiet.
“I-I mean,” I went on, trying to fill the silence, “it was… it was random, I guess. He very recently told me how long he had known you and I… I suppose it made sense, given how the last couple of months of our relationship were. I don’t know, I just wish I had known about you sooner. Maybe things would have been different. I mean, it still would have hurt, but maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself, I don’t know-”
“Whoa, wait,” Amy suddenly said, sounding concerned and shocked. “What do you mean you tried to kill yourself?”
My eyes widened. For a second, I stayed frozen in my position, my mouth agape. “He never told you?”
“No? Oh my god…” Amy trailed off. “I’m… was it because of him, or us?”
Here we go. Time to hold her hand and not make her feel like a total asshole.
“No,” I replied, but then again I couldn’t lie. “Not necessarily. I’ve had my fair share of bad shit happen, along with my disorders... and for a while, Mark was giving me hope and strength. Then he was gone. But I’m not blaming my shitty mental health on him or your relationship with him. I think…” I sighed as I came to a conclusion that I had to admit. “I think I had it coming with or without the breakup.”
Amy sat there, still looking very distressed and caught off guard. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea that happened.”
“Really?” I asked, now confused. “I mean, well, I told him not to tell anyone when it happened, but I assumed that you would have been the exception. Where did you think he was when he disappeared for a couple of weeks?”
“I was still living in Boston. All he told me was that he broke up with you, so I gave him some space until I moved here. I can’t believe he never told me.”
I hesitated. “That’s on me. I asked him to keep it to himself. I realize now that that wasn’t the best idea.”
“Well, I imagine you were in a really dark place,” Amy said solemnly. “It’s not an easy thing to talk about.”
I nodded. “Pretty much.”
The air was awkward all over again. If I had known that Amy never knew about my attempt, I would have kept my mouth shut. Now she knew things about me, personal things. I couldn’t help but feel exposed. It was worse knowing that I had exposed myself in front of the girl that Mark had left me for. It probably wasn’t surprising to her that Mark had decided to dump me.
“So, the Grand Canyon,” Amy said, changing the subject. “You’re really up for that?”
I nodded, despite that her change in tone only added to the nerves. Was it really a good idea for me to go? To all of ‘Teamiplier,’ I was the ex-girlfriend. I was sure to make everything uncomfortable. My presence in general was uncomfortable. Why did I agree to go on this trip?
“Okay, well I hope it’s fun for the both of us.” She smiled.
“Me too.” It’ll only be fun if I could be slightly intoxicated once we got to the park, but lord knows that won’t happen.
~
“Don’t freak out, and don’t get mad okay?” read the text from Ethan.
Honestly, I had taken one step back into my apartment, ready to recover from the day I had. But no, I had to worry and stress even more, just because of the way my boyfriend had worded his text.
“What’s going on?” I replied as I took deep breaths. He wouldn’t break up with me over a text, would he? He wouldn’t tell me anything really serious over a text, right?
Before I could pace in a frantic manner, I got another text.
“Kathryn knows about us. But she won’t tell anyone!”
My eyes widened. I didn’t know how to form a coherent sentence, so I just smashed my keyboard and sent the jumble of letters to him. Then, before I could panic, I sent, “How???”
“Can I tell you over dinner?”
“I have to know NOW otherwise I’ll lose my mind over it until I see you.”
My stomach sank further. Any normal person wouldn’t get so twitchy and irrational over something like this. I was aware of this, yet I was still playing terrible scenarios in my head of Mark finding out and then firing Ethan. Or worse, Mark making Ethan choose between his relationship and his career. Oh god, would I be able to handle that?
Ding!
“I had on lip gloss… from when you kissed me in the car… She kept asking about it, so I told her about us and I made her not tell anyone!”
Well shit. This was my fault. I was going to be the reason why we were exposed before we were ready.
“FUCK,” I typed. “Are you sure she won’t say anything? Did she say anything else?”
“I promise she won’t tell. She’s my friend, I swear she’s cool. Look, can I come over? Idk if this is making you anxious, I wanna make sure you’re okay.”
I sighed, now feeling guilty. I was losing my mind over this whether I liked it or not.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess over this ugh,” I sent.
“It’s okay, you’re my mess ❤”
_______
next chapter
23 notes · View notes
foxcaelum · 6 years
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Sorry guys, long personal post ahead; Read at your own discretion
I'm posting this here because I don't know where else I can speak freely. I'm afraid of the backlash I might get from others who don't understand the situation, or have only heard the other side and taken it.
In April, on my birthday, I left my long term relationship, I literally walked out the door of the place I made home and never came back. We were together almost 4 years I believe. In the beginning of our relation I was 19, he was 34. He cheated multiple times. I founds texts and Facebook messages. I'm still not sure if he ever actually slept with the other women but it hardly matters. A few months in, I found more Facebook messages to one of his friends that revealed when we first got together, he had not broken up with his girlfriend (whom he lived with before in another country) until very recently. I confronted him about everything, and he apologized, admitting he was in a bad place and didn't know how to deal with anything. I “forgave” him and we moved on.
My anxiety and depression eventually thickened and I realised I never actually forgave him for what he did. It never went away; I made him give me all his passwords to social media and his phone. I was always suspicious when he went anywhere or talked to any woman I didn't know. Other than that it was “normal”. We knew eachothers families well, did all kinds of fun things together. I was held back, I didn't want to admit it but I was. He wanted to go to school so he did. He moved away for school and I stayed behind, depressed and alone. I found messages from a girl he previously sexted, him asking her to come visit now that he was living alone. He swore it was innocent but I never believed it. I never went to school. I didn't want to be away from him.
I always centered all my attention around my relationships, and did so very much with him. All I wanted was to be around him and spend our lives together. I damaged some friendships because of it. I know some people lost respect for me because they knew I was hurting but stayed anyway. His friends were my friends, I got along with all of them really well and I liked them a lot.
Thru one of those friends I met a new friend. I liked this person a lot, we clicked instantly and started hanging out all the time. He made me feel needed and appreciated. I eventually caught feelings and I knew he reciprocated, but I had a boyfriend and nothing could be done. More time passed and the feelings were unbearable, I didn't love my boyfriend anymore, and I wanted to be with with the other guy. In December I got pregnant, boyfriend said he felt that the best option would be abortion. I was 50/50 on it, it was obviously a hard decision but I decided I couldn't give a baby a good life right now and decided to terminate. Long story short I ended up miscarrying anyway which was a whole new wave of terrible-ness. Everything was awful and there was no fixing it.
After I left, he couldn't let me go. He begged me to come back for months, I tried to remain friends but it was impossible. He came and hung out at my work when I was alone, trying to talk to me about getting back together, even told me one time he wished I never would have lost the baby and we could have “managed”. By this point I was already in the beginnings of a new relationship with other guy. Ex boyfriend took me for dinner one day and told me he wanted me to come back because he was going to build a house and we could get married and get a dog, all the things I wanted when we were together. I told him no, I was with someone else now, and decided I should stop hanging out with him. I get a text a few weeks later saying he needs to “take his distance” from me and has to stop talking to me for awhile, which is literally what I, and all his friends told him to do. He stopped trying to talk to me so much and hang out after that. We talked occasionally, very brief.
Then, one day out of the blue he says we can't chat anymore because he has a new girlfriend now (keep in mind like, only a month ago he was asking me to come back and wouldn't leave me alone even tho I was with someone else). So I flipped out on him because I was so mad that he didn't ever respect my requests for space, but now it was off limits to chat because HE had a new girlfriend. At this point I figure all his friends think I'm the worst (they've stopped talking to me, and I don't get invited to hang out). It hurts that they were only friends with me because of ex boyfriend, but, I'm moving on. Only one of them reached out to me to say they didn't hate me, which was really nice.
I'm still mad about it all. The latest ordeal was that he didn't take me off our lease like he said he was going to, ended up moving out and not finding a roomate or anyone to fill it and texted me 9 days before the end of the month (September) saying he couldn't afford rent at two places by the end of the month and the landlords were probably going to come after us both. I tried to get myself off the lease myself but apparently I would need his signature which he refuses to give because he wants me to be responsible for his mistakes too I guess.
All I want is to never think about him again. I miss the cat I bought for us. I use to miss the place I made home, but I've since let that part go. I have someone now that loves me back as much as I love them, and that's something I've never ever felt. So it'll be all worth it on the end I hope.
Ive told him not to come into my work when I'm there (I work at a cafe) although I've been off for two months with a broken foot. I hope he listens to what I asked. I know he's been going with his friends and new girlfriend, I really don't want them in my space. But I don't want to be “that bitch” to have to tell him again.
If any of his friends read this, there's the story. I'm not the bad guy. I'm just a very hurt guy.
Thanks for reading my vent. Feel free to PM me if you have similar stories or need to vent. I love you all.
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inwintersolitude · 6 years
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Are there popsicles in your freezer right now? No.  I haven’t had a popsicle in years.
Ice cream? Not anymore.  I bought one of those little single-serving Häagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream cups a few days ago, but I ate it yesterday.
Is there a lamp in your bedroom? Yes, there’s three, although I don’t think we’ll keep the floor lamp in there.  We’ve been rearranging the whole upstairs floor of the house lately.
Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Depends on the flavor.
Do you eat fast food? Occasionally.  Maybe once a month.
After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? No.  The only hair product I use aside from shampoo and conditioner is dry shampoo, and I don’t need to use it til about 2 days after washing it.
Last time you ate a salad? A few days ago when we were out to dinner.
Can you name 2 books of the Bible? Genesis and Revelations.
Do people usually think your brother is handsome? I’ve never heard anyone specifically say that he is.  But he’s married, so I’m assuming that at least his wife must think he’s handsome.
How many times have you been to the mall in the last month? None.
Do you think Michelle Obama is a good role model? I’d say so.
Can you name a song by Taylor Swift? I can’t think of any right now.
Have you ever crawled thru a vent? No.
Are there toothpicks in your kitchen? No.
How many living grandparents do you have? Two.  My mom’s parents.
Do you eat more than 3 meals a day? No.  I usually eat a late breakfast, tea with a small snack in the mid-afternoon instead of an actual lunch, and then dinner.
Do you live in a bummy neighborhood? Bummy?  What does that mean... like full of bums or something?  No, it’s a nice neighborhood.
Do you know how old your house is? It was built in 2004.
What device did you last purchase batteries for? We use rechargeable batteries, so we haven’t had to buy new ones in years.
Do you think you have great potential for success? I’ve already succeeded at big goals in my past, like getting my commercial pilot license, getting my bachelor’s degree, and starting a good career.  So I know I have potential, but I’ve been really struggling with getting my career back on track ever since I got injured and sick and had to quit my job.  And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve also started to view success as something that’s deeper than just career-related.  To me, success also means being happy with yourself and where you’re at in life (which I am).
Were you born with extra fingers? No.
Do you listen to the radio more than 3 times a week? Yes, since I have a radio kept on in the bird’s room every day - parrots love noise.  I also sometimes listen to the radio while driving.
What sport do you suck at? I haven’t played it since I was a kid, but I really sucked at basketball.
What instrument do you wanna learn to play? None.  I’m not musically talented, and it’s not really an interest that I have.
Last type of footwear you had on? Sneakers? Boots? Flip flops? Just the flip flops that I sometimes wear around the house.  The last footwear I wore out were my terrain boots.
Have you applied any lipstick, chapstick, gloss, etc to your lips today? Yes, lip balm.  It’s the only thing I ever put on my lips.
Have you eaten chocolate today? I had a chocolate tartlet this morning.
Do you use erasable pens? No.
Would you rather have tan or pale skin color? Pale.  I’m naturally very pale and it just suits me.  Plus I’m prone to getting pre-cancerous moles and there’s a family history of skin cancer, so I’m careful about sun damage and I avoid tanning.
Last time you entered a high school? Over 10 years ago.  Haha, wow.
Does the shampoo you mainly use smell fruity? No.  It has sort of an herbal smell.
Have you ever been described as “adorable”? Probably when I was a little kid.
Last time you rode a bike? Ugh it’s been too long.  Two years, maybe?  I used to be really into trail biking but that was back when my husband and I lived in an area with a ton of really great parks and bike/hike trails.
Have you listened to music today? Just whatever was on the radio when I was in the bird’s room.
Is it chilly outside right now? Not anymore, although it was sort of chilly overnight and this morning.
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a-mountain-girl · 5 years
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Buckle up kiddos it’s rant time! Click read more to hear about Local White Man and how he derailed a class exercise on the topic of rape culture!
*I should clarify that I am a white woman
No class can be perfect but the older you get, the further in your education you get the more you expect your classmates to have some semblance of decency and critical thinking skills. Also, reticence, knowing when to keep quiet. I will admit that I personally have an issue with blurting things out still, I tend to sit near the front and so can’t always see when other students have their hands up + ADHD impulsiveness so I’m not trying to set myself up as some exemplar of perfect behavior. But I still generally keep quiet and I do have that essential amount of reading-the-room skills that are required for women. Local White Man on the other hand does not. 
Who is Local White Man? He’s a stereotype for a reason and still being in an undergraduate program at a university in a deep red state there’s still going to be a majority white student pop. and mostly within that group those token conservatives who think that they’re somehow special and smarter than everyone else for making it thru all 16+ years of education without ever once questioning their own views and only feign sympathy/open-mindedness when required (and aren’t they so benevolent and wise for deigning to pretend to listen to you for five minutes?). This particular Local White Man is in my Argument class. Argument is not to be confused with Debate. Argument is an upper-level English course about developing your critical thinking and communication skills. Of course contextually there’s always political and charged topics being brought in but we have just as much right and reason to talk about what makes a great ice cream cone. This class’s population is mostly women with about 4 male students. LWM bears a strong resemblance to other LWM’s I’ve dealt with in the past both in his behaviors and even his face. 
So far this semester I’ve mostly ignored the guy, never bothered to speak to him even because in my experience as soon as I start interacting with an LWM said LWM will make it his life’s mission to piss me off and I’m not kidding. There were many, many times I had to punch a guy or talk to the vice principle about how the current LWM was harassing me before the problem would even approach a resolution. There was a restraining order at one point because a LWM was literally incapable of backing off. So when on the first day of this Argument course I identified the current LWM as an LWM I enacted the Do Not Engage policy. It worked just fine until this morning. 
So this morning when I got to class the room was locked as usual and the rest of the class was sitting or standing around in the hall waiting for the professor to come and let us in. LWM was doing his usual VERY LOUD mansplaining to the one female student who always sits next to him and appears to be friendly with him about a company (I’m not sure if it really exists or if it’s just a concept or where it is, also the name of the company had white supremacy vibes) that if it exists consolidated insurance with actual healthcare so customers just have to pay to one company rather than pay for insurance and their healthcare separately. He called it “like socialism” and I, being an idiot, inserted “Uh, that’s not socialism that’s a very capitalist thing”. Now I was not in the mood to explain slightly more advanced economics esp when I know from experience LWM has no idea what words like “socialist” and "capitalist” really mean or how those economic systems function both in theory and in reality. Basically consolidating both insurance and healthcare into one corporation is an even more capitalist move because then a single private company has even more control. To be socialist the government would have to take control. But to LWM’s mind consolidation = socialist so things are already looking great! LWM was so upset by me correcting him that he stomped off (LITERALLY, angry arm flaps included) and went down the hall to sulk for the next thirty seconds before our professor showed up and let us into the classroom.
Now was it smart for me to interrupt and correct him? Not really. But he was talking very loudly to my friends (because his only volumes are Loud and LOUDER), making an obvious error, and has no qualms about butting into anyone else’s conversation so while I’m kind of kicking myself for it at some point LWM needs to be corrected instead of being allowed to steamroll over everyone.
So we get to class and the lecture is about causal arguments. The professor uses a rhetorical experiment which is the now rather normal asking the students what they do to prevent themselves from being victims of sexual assault. I won’t go into my smaller issues with how the professor is always taking note of how he’s trying to be inclusive because drawing attention to it only makes LWM more irritating and makes it sound like people who would think about “well there’s more than two genders” are overly-sensitive and need to be pre-appeased despite there being no complaints made about the terms the professor is using. Anyway. As soon as the question is out LWM has to take control of the conversation very loudly talking about how he was once roofied, how he gets hit on all the time by gay men... like I can’t say what’s true or not in his experience. Maybe he does get hit on, maybe he has seen some crap, I don’t know. While all the women in the class were adding our bits he kept adding comments, loudly, and at one point after the list was done he went (again at a high volume) “DON’T DRESS PROMISCUOUSLY! The FemIniSts might hate me for saying that but” blah blah and like that is something that women are told to do to avoid being a victim so like it fit for what we were doing but he seemed to think we were talking about actual measures people should take to avoid sexual assault.
We all kind of side-eyed or face-palmed as he went on about how our media is hyper-sexualized and like, yeah? but the way he was saying things made it sound like if you let kids watch Disney movies (which have sexual references!) they’re going to become sex-crazed and promiscuous and just all-around naughty (flashback to a family friend saying that maybe his daughter shouldn’t be allowed to watch The Little Mermaid because it ‘encourages girls to not listen to their fathers’).
A couple minutes later as we were looking over a paper on what men can do to work on the problem of sexual assault LWM was “whispering” about how hyper-sexualized our media is and THEN segued into how, essentially, if he is in a conversation with someone who doesn’t agree with him then he won’t even engage in conversation. He framed it as maturity but considering his reaction to my one (1) censure of his pseudo-lecture earlier and that he holds to very strong, obviously conservative convictions I can guarantee this isn’t a mature guy who’s just not getting involved in a conversation that all parties know won’t go well. This is a guy who insists on dominating the conversation, on being listened to and believed, and only ever feigns open-mindedness, compassion. This is also a guy who will absolutely accuse someone of being “hysterical” and “impossible to talk to” for exhibiting a shred of emotion over a topic that they care about or that affects them. He’s just the epitome of the Local White Man and I have a headache. LWM is just very upset that he’s in classes where the majority of the students are political opponents and where his ideas are very unpopular and instead of examining his ideas or listening to others he very loudly insists that anyone who opposes him is just not worth talking to.
Since many of us English students have classes together this whole drama resulted in a group of women who were stuck in that class spending the time before a different class we have together a couple hours later venting about LWM and his inability to shut up or read a room together.
Thanks for listening! May your life be free of the Local White Man syndrome!
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approximately7bees · 6 years
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1-100!
 1) What images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?
i just like aesthetic things so like my laptop’s background is crumpled up paper and my phone’s backgrounds are a picture of glitter and a picture of one of the golden ratio dogs lol
2) Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
hmmmmm i feel like i have but i can’t actually remember any particular instance
3) What was your last text message?
i won’t type it all out because it’s really long but the gist of it is my friend who just turned 21 and i were talking about how we need to hang out more lol
4) What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?
so i’ll be almost 32 at that point, so i don’t know except i’m for sure going to be a proud dog mom and will hopefully be moving on up with my career
5) If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?
probably by the ocean. it’s a really nice day here but no bodies of water in sight
6) What was your coolest Halloween costume?
i was a genie one year when i was little and my mom made the costume, i rewore a lot of costumes because money so there isn’t a whole lot of excitement there
7) What was your favorite 90s show?
I’m gonna say Boy Meets World
8) Who was your last kiss?
lol, the gay guy I met last night who asked me to be his first hetero kiss 
9) Have you ever been stood up?
not like for a date or anything, but sometimes plans end up not working out with my friends
10) Favorite ice cream flavor?
marshmallow :3
11) Have you been to Las Vegas?
no!
12) Your favorite pair of shoes?
i have these black and blue glitter platform sandals that i like a lot
13) Honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?
i have not
14) What is your favorite fruit?
banana, but only freckly ones
15) Have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself dating/having sex with? If possible?
no i don’t talk to people :/
16) Are you into hookups? Short or long term relationships?
i guess ideally i’d like long term but i’m kind of at a “take what you can get” stage
17) Do you smoke? If so, what?
nothing
18) What do you do to get over your anger?
normally vent on social media and delete it after a little while. 
19) Do you believe in God?
ye
20) Does the person you’re in love with know it?
well i’m not in love soooo
21) Favorite position?
cowgirl lol
22) What’s your horoscope sign?
gemini
23) Your fears?
i don’t really have tangible fears.i guess i’m afraid of information getting into the wrong hands like there is just stuff i don’t want some people to know. and i’m afraid of failing i think.
24) How many pets do you have? What kind?
i have 2 cats, but I would also say the pets at my parents are mine so 2 dogs and 2 more cats too
25) What never fails to turn you on?
neck kisses???
26) Your idea of a perfect first date?
the person i’m with is capable of carrying a conversation, but i feel comfortable enough that i don’t actually need to worry about what to say. we go do something fun that they have prior knowledge of so i don’t have to be the one like planning stuff. idk, i don’t have one single thing that i would want to do on a first date, i’m more concerned with the social aspect lol
27) What is something most people don’t know about you?
i probably wouldn’t call myself straight anymore i guess?
28) What makes you feel the happiest?
when it’s stormy in the summer and i don’t have any responsibilities at night and i can just do anything i want. preferably also a dog is there
29) What store do you shop at most often?
dillon’s lmao that’s where i get groceriessssss
30) How do you feel about oral? Giving and/or receiving?
i really like giving, receiving would be nice but i have like such low expectations :/
31) Do you believe in karma?
mmmmno i don’t think so
32) Are you single?
yep
33) Do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?
better way to apologize than what? i do think gifts can add to a verbal, authenticate apology but i think one of my main love languages is gifts
34) Are you a good swimmer?
i’m decent, i did swim team as a child/ pre-teen so i have some of those skills still
35) Coffee or Tea?
coffee
36) Online shopping or shopping in person?
online shopping bc i hate people, but also it’s really hard to know if a clothing item will fit when you buy it online
37) Would you rather be older or younger than your current age?
my dude i’m fine where i am 
38) Cats or Dogs?
D: i’m going to say dogs bc i love dogs but i love cats too
39) Are you a competitive person?
situationally. a lot of the time i don’t care enough
40) Do you believe in aliens?
yeah
41) Do you like dancing?
no, i might if i was good at it but sadly i’m white
42) What kind of music to you listen to?
lots of kinds, i like folk rock a lot 
43) What is your favorite cartoon character?
ummmmmmmm i might say ice bear from we bare bears
44) Where are you from?
kansas
45) Eat at home or eat out?
i love to eat out. or more accurately, i love to use the drive thru and then bring the food home
46) How much more social are you when you’re drunk?
oh my gosh so much more social. which i learned last night . but lowkey right now at least i feel like actually more comfortable being social after last night because like i know i have the capacity to do it? which would be cool, bc one of the reasons i was feeling worried about drinking was bc like what if i start believing i need alcohol to function socially and like whoops i have slipped into being an alcoholic bc like that’s somewhat in my family. but i think that that isn’t the case
47) What was the last thing you bought for yourself?
i mean i bought a soda earlier but i’ll say it was a case for my mac so i can stop carrying it naked
48) Why do you think your followers follow you?
well a lot of them are porn bots, and a lot of them are people who don’t use tumblr anymore. the rest i would say are here because i post a lot of different things and i have good taste ;)
49) How many hours do you sleep at night?
lately it’s been real bad maybe 6 hours or less ?? but that’s because i’m kind of a mess, i usually aim for 8 hours
50) What worries you most about the future?
i’m worried for like the future of the country, the world etc but not really worried for my own future
51) If you had a friend that spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?
actually probably a while, i have been a lot more positive about myself lately i think. and i keep doing these dumb inside jokes with myself so i feel like that would be fun (ex. lately i have been thinking about something and i’ll be like “oh yeah, that’s what we in the business call *the common name of whatever i’m thinking of*” and it’s like dumb but i’m amused by it so like me and myself are getting along swell)
52) Are you happy with yourself?
yeah i am!
53) What do you wish you didn’t know?
probably stuff about my ex, like i sometimes will look at his page and find stuff out and regret it
54) What big lesson could people learn from your life?
a lot of good stuff is just luck
55) If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?
probably like one of the fancy homes in gossip girl or something
56) What’s your favorite Website?
it’s probably tumblr, even after all this time
57) What’s the habit you’re proudest of breaking?
i don’t really have a lot of bad habits, maybe like picking at stuff or something
58) What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles?
going home for easter but that’s lame so i’ll say going to Atlanta for the ncaa tournament
59) What’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?
probably just some of the nicer sweaters i’ve found
60) What do you order when you eat Chinese food?
depends where i go but i really like getting sesame chicken, white rice, and crab rangoon at my go-to place
61) If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be?
Montana
62) If you had to teach a subject to a class, what would it be?
hmmmmmm i could probably teach like editing in a writing class or like basic coding
63) Favorite kind of chips?
probably like baked lays. they taste so good and they’re healthier???
64) Favorite kind of sandwich?
i really like the chicken bacon ranch from subway
65) Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus?
dictionary
66) Have you ever been stung by a bee?
no i have not
67) What’s your favorite form of exercise?
lately it’s weight lifting, like exclusively
68) Are you afraid of heights?
nah
69) What’s the most memorable class you’ve ever taken?
maybe my politics of women of color class
70) What’s your favorite breakfast?
toaster strudels? i don’t really eat breakfast anymore
71) Do you like guacamole?
nah
72) Have you ever been in a physical fight?
lol no
73) What/who are you thinking about right now?
i’m hungry 
74) Do you like cuddling?
yes, tho my back is super sensitive so there are Factors there
75) Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
probably yeah
76) Have you ever experienced one of your biggest fears?
no
77) Favorite city you’ve been to?
probably San Francisco, though i was only there for a day
78) Would you break the law to save a family member?
Depends on the law probably
79) Talk about an embarrassing moment?
my life . lol. um the thing is i’m bad at telling stories and bad at remembering things (specifically negative things, i block that shit right out) so i don’t know
80) Are there any causes you strongly believe in?
yeah like basically all causes surrounding how people are treated
81) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
i think when i was little i conked my head and got stitches maybe? part of being risk averse is that you don’t really get hurt, plus i’m like not clumsy
82) Favorite day of the week?
i like fridays i think
83) Do you consider yourself sexually open minded?
not particularly, but i’ll try some stuff
84) How do you feel about porn?
like ethically i know it’s wrong
85) Which living celebrity would you like to know?
harry styles asd;fjas;dkfsdf
86) Who was your hottest ex?
lol uh of the whole two of them? neither
87) Do you want/have kids?
nooooooo
88) Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you?
yes 
89) Do you get easily distracted? 
yeah sometimes
90) Ass or titties?
ass i guess, i like a booty but i’m not really the demographic for this question i think
91) What is your favorite word?
humdinger (i don’t know if this is my favorite word but that’s the word that came to mind)
92) How do you feel about tattoos?
i want one and am going to get it when i reach my goal weight (and i even have an obtainable goal, an eating plan, a work out routine, AND a scale) but like idk i feel like some people get dumbass tattoos
93) Do you have any pets?
............didn’t this questions happen earlier.. yes. 2 cats.
94) How tall are you?
5′10″
95) How old are you?
21, just about 2 months until i’m feeling 22
96) 3 physical features you get complimented on a lot?
my hair, my eyes, my nails (i guess)
97) Is there anything you’re really passionate about?
i get passionate like politically but i think in general i’m not v passionate
98) Do you have trust issues?
i probably trust too much idk
99) Do you believe in love at first sight?
naw
100) What are some words that you live by? Why?
there’s no harm in applying for things. like the worst thing that will happen is you won’t get it, and also you won’t get it if you don’t apply.
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