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chronic-confessions · 6 years

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Confession #3,258

Part 1 - no support from family for boyfriend kind of

Ever since day one my parents never have supported me or thought I was “faking” my pain. I used to miss a ton of school because in the morning I would wake up and feel so nauseous and sometimes vomit, I would be so exhausted and still tired or wake up with headaches and be so tired throughout school id fall asleep in class, on the bus, and come home and sleep for five hours once I got home from school. They used to force me to go to school because I had to and the whole time they thought I was just faking it so stay home and sleep in. Then when my stomach problems started coming up my parents thought I was faking it again and complaining about my stomach to go to the doctors and get notes and excuses to miss school. Especially in the beginning when the doctors couldn’t find much wrong with me. Until they did an endoscopy and found gastritis and ulcers and eventually did a gastric emptying test and found I have gastroparesis. N guess what? The doctors diagnosed me with all of this shit in-front of my parents and even showed the pictures of the ulcer and gastritis in my stomach and my parents still think I’m faking it.

They always tell me how if I “ate better I wouldn’t have any problems” or “ if you wouldn’t of had went vegetarian this wouldn’t of had happened to you” and all of this bullshit. It pisses me off so bad especially since now here I am 20 years old and still suffering from stomach problems having flare ups and now new symptoms where two of my doctors thinks I have some kind of autoimmune disease possibly multiple sclerosis. I sleep so much at least 10-13 hours a day and my boyfriend constantly calls me lazy to my face. I just don’t understand how people can be in the room with me while the doctors clearly is saying there’s something wrong with me and then they turn around and talk shit like they don’t know I have chronic illnesses. My boyfriend literally told me that in the future he’s not going to let me sleep in because I need to be productive and wake up early and cook breakfast and do all of this shit and I actually cried because wtf. I have a ton of anxiety my doctor thinks I’m depressed as well and having no support or anyone to talk to makes it completely worse. I can’t even have sex anymore because majority of the time I get these SEVERE cramps that make me want to vomit and my boyfriend has seen me collapse on the floor crying curled up in a ball in pain and then asks me to have sex again the next day. I stopped working and I know my boyfriend doesn’t like it because he says shit like “ it must be fun to sit around at home all day especially if you get approved for disability, shit lay around and get paid for it”. It makes me feel so bad especially since sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have terrible days. Especially when I have a flare up and I’m really sick for a week this is why I don’t want to get another job. It’s like when I’m sick my boyfriend takes care of me but then when I have a few days where I’m less sick and feeling OKAY to do things he’s like “ why don’t you get a part time job”. Idk like my boyfriend is better than my parents but he doesn’t get it. He has these severe chronic painful migraines and I’m so supportive of him and do everything I can to help him and he should understand how I feel because he misses a lot of school and work because of the migraines but yet when I used to stay home from work because I was nauseous and having abdominal pains he would sigh and just be like “ so you’re really not going to work today?” And just make me feel really bad. I especially can’t talk to my sister because she’s called me a “hypochondriac” multiple times even though she has fucking diabetes since she was like 6 years old she should understand too. I hate how my sister and boyfriend both think because they still push through work and school that I should just “suck it up” and try to live a normal life. Don’t even get me started with the shit people say to me when I mention I want to file for disability. My parents,friends, and boyfriend all say something along the lines of “ you’re fine just get a easy job” “ you don’t quality for disability you just ant to lay around all day” etc. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad that I can’t talk to ANYBODY when I’m sick or feeling sad and want to vent. Something that kind of makes me mad if that my boyfriends mom has a virus that she is fine most of the time but sometimes gets really sick as has to go get blood transfusions and medications in the hospital and stuff and my boyfriends dad keeps her from working and everyone is all over helping her but yet when I have a flare up and having s lot of nausea and abdominal pains and all these other symptoms people tell me to take a tums and get up. Like I have a diagnosis of serious stuff too just because the doctors don’t ever want to keep me in the hospital doesn’t mean it’s not serious. If I’m being honest the times I go to the hospital for pain the doctors treat me like I’m looking for drugs or tell me that I’m “just constipated and drink some water”. Like the way everyone has been treating me has been bringing me down so much and there’s no way of escaping it.

Part two: I don’t know why my health is so bad for more than half of my life

Ever since I was 9 I’ve been in pain starting with my periods. I was put on birth control and it’s helped a lot so that’s hardly one of my issues now. When I was around 13 that’s when my stomach problems started and now that I’m 20 years old two doctors think I have multiple sclerosis and I’m going to see a neurologist next month. It’s been really hard for me to deal with being in pain all the time since I was young but I feel like I’m almost accustomed to the pain that I don’t show it so much on the outside. Especially when it comes to my nausea I’m nauseous every single day and usually I don’t complain about it because I’ve been nauseous every day for years only when it gets really bad I’ll lay down or hunch over. At least every other day I get abdominal cramps or pains in my stomach or the urge to vomit. My stomach problems have lead to other issues like malnutrition and other stuff. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems that have been scaring me I’ve been getting a lot of numbness on anywhere on my body that pressure is applied. Even for less than a minute my body part won’t even get pins and needles feeling it’ll just go straight up NUMB like can’t move my fingers or my arm or leg feels really heavy shit even my butt goes numb when I’m sitting on a hard chair or if I lean over a table to grab something or do something for a few seconds my arm or hand will start to go numb. Even when I’m sleeping and I’m laying on top of my pinky it’ll go numb. I’ve been getting these shocks of pain in my left hand that make me drop stuff or even have to let go of the steering wheel when I’m driving. I have these lingering headaches mostly behind my eyes or like one side of my head. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and my vision isn’t blurry sometimes it’s hard to focus and I’ve been having these black specks in my vision and lastly I lose my breath really easily and my heart rate shots up for doing any little thing even just shampooing my hair I be breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat in my neck and chest like I feel like I’m going to pass out… and two of my doctors think it’s multiple sclerosis. I just don’t get why I can’t live a normal active life. I used to go kayaking on my good days and it used to make me soooo happy and relaxed even thought I’d be really fatigued from all of the movement kayaking in the springs was my passion and the only thing to completely take my mind off of how sick I felt. Now that I live in Texas and I’m almost having these neurological symptoms I don’t think I would even be able to go kayaking at all there’s no springs to go kayaking here anyways but and I just sit at home all day and feel depressed.

Part 3: worried about my future

I know I can’t go to school because I have a really hard time focusing,concentrating, or remembering things I would fail. In elementary school all the way through sophomore year of highschool( before I left to homeschooling because of my chronic illness) I’ve always had a really hard time with school with attendance and keeping up my grades. I’ve recently lost two jobs in a row because of my attendance because once again my chronic illness and I just worry what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I’m not going to college because I know I can’t handle it and I don’t want to go back to work because clearly I can’t hold a job and my doctor himself told me it might be best to not work to keep my stress down. I just feel so lazy but when I force myself to try and be productive and do things when my body doesn’t let me I end up getting sicker for longer and it’s really frustrating. I’ve already mentioned how my boyfriend told me how in our future he’s not going to let me lay around all day because he wants me to get up and do things which i understand I don’t want to put the burden on him for everything but it’s like my BODY WONT LET ME. my dad is fully disabled and he lays around all day and watches TV and sleeps all day and people don’t bother him but when I mention getting disability I’m just “lazy” and “fully capable of working but just don’t want to” I just really don’t know.

Part 4: losing my job recently and wanting to get disability

So in November I started a receptionist job. I specifically applied for this job because I figured it would be low stress and I would be able to sit and basically have it accommodate with my illnesses. Well I was wrong because that job had me stressed out every. Single. Day whether it was rude clients, my rude and condescending co workers, having to wake up at 4-6am depending on the shift, constantly being called in on my days off, having to get up and run around the building looking for stuff for a client or one of the doctors, etc. every day I would come home pissed off and complain to my boyfriend and the almost three months I worked there I had probably around four panic attacks at work because of the situations and stress I was put under. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems on top of gastroparesis flare ups and before my 90 days I missed three weeks of work whether it was because I was sick and couldn’t make it to work or had a doctors appointment, in the hospital etc. Nobody ever wanted to switch shifts with me so I always just had to miss work and I brought a doctors note for every day I missed. Right before my 90 days ended they let me go which is kind of a relief but now I have no money coming in and bills to pay. I’m thinking about applying for disability but I’m waiting to get my possible multiple sclerosis diagnosed before I start going through the process. My last job was working as a technician in an animal hospital and it was wayyy too stressful and active for me a dog pulled me so hard my wrist and back were fucked up and I had to miss work for four days and go to the doctors and chiropractors. I had to lift up dogs that weighed up to 50/60 pounds and that also fucked up my back on two occasions because I’m really skinny and when I try to lift with my legs they shake and give out. I would be bruised up from restraining dogs and they barely bump into me and I get a painful red and purple bruise. I’m too “fragile” to handle the naughty big dogs that would pull me to hard and then once again rude co workers and rude clients that gave me a ton of anxiety and stress. My doctor told me himself I should leave that job and that’s when I went for the receptionist job and it was just as bad. I mostly want to get disability because I feel like I’m not reliable to keep a job with doctors appointments and flare ups that I have and I feel like at the reception job I couldn’t handle the easiest of shit my memory is so terrible I got in trouble for fucking up a handful of situations and was actually called “dumb” by a co worker. Not to mention the stress of having to somewhat argue with my boss that I can’t come to work on so many days because I’m going to the doctors or calling out because I feel so sick and having to tell them I’m going to the doctor tomorrow so I can’t come in or I’m in the emergency room and been here for nine hours and it’s already 2am and still here I won’t be able to come to work tomorrow etc. So yeah idk we will see but there’s no way I’m putting myself back in that situation. Now that I get to lay down and relax and a majority of stress is cut from my life I’ve been feeling better but still not by any means I’m completely fine I’m still sick everyday but the stress was making me way sicker.

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fitnesshealthyoga-blog · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/what-is-sadhana-40-days-of-kundalini-meditation/

What is sadhana? 40 Days of Kundalini Meditation

Sadhana involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days.

One early morning last November, my doorman, Jose, who usually says it like it is, took one look at me and said, “What happened to you? You used to look sexy. Now you look like you never sleep anymore.”

His statement stung. I wanted to say, “Well I don’t sleep anymore. Not since I started Sadhana.” But then I’d have to explain what Sadhana meant. And why do I have to justify how I look? So, I said nothing.

But it was true. I was barely sleeping, and the dark circles under my eyes, chronic yawning, and 10 extra pounds I’d put on in a matter of just a few weeks were all byproducts of my commitment to complete 40 days of Kundalini Aquarian morning Sadhana.

Thanks for watching!Visit Website

Why I Tried 40 Days of Sadhana

For about a year prior to starting Sadhana—which involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting at 4 a.m. for 40 days—I’d seen Facebook ads for it. Several friends swore by its benefits, and I’d read many articles about its transformative powers, such as increased energy, mental clarity, and a plethora of blessings. Many spiritual paths have a practice of getting up before sunrise to pray. That special time is called Amrit Vela, which translates as the Nectar of God. When you give two and a half hours to a spiritual source, your entire day is covered with blessings. And who doesn’t want more blessings?

Thanks for watching!Visit Website

For years I’d been trying to finish writing a book, create an online program, and get into shape—but I lacked self-commitment and follow through. In Sanskrit, Sadhana literally means accomplishing something. I wanted to strengthen my commitment to both my spiritual practice and word to myself. I’ve never been an early riser, so I told myself, If I can wake up at 3 a.m. for the divine, I can do anything!

For the next 40 days, I woke up at 3 a.m., put on my white clothes and head covering, and drove to a yoga studio where I practiced yoga, sang songs to my soul, and chanted Aquarian mantras. I tried to go to sleep each night no later than 8 p.m. each night to attempt at least five or six hours of shut-eye. But no matter how many hot baths I took, Chamomile teas I drank, or minutes I spent breathing through my left nostril to relax, I couldn’t fall asleep until it was time to wake up again.

For the first week, I was very enthusiastic and surprised by how little sleep I needed to function. But then, somewhere around day eight, I came home after Sadhana and passed out until noon, which only messed up my circadian rhythm further. As my levels of exhaustion increased, so did my weight. I wondered how the other yogis in the room were doing it. Some of them were on day 50, 60, 90 and even 240. I was assured that if I could get enough sleep, I would be OK.

According to our Sadhana group leader, the secret to a successful Sadhana was getting enough sleep. I’d never had difficulty falling asleep before. But I’d also never woken before 7:30 am, and my nerves were keeping me up.

Somewhere around day 20, my very traditional Russian father called to tell me that he and my mother were worried. They’d recently seen my photos of me on Facebook and asked why I looked so exhausted, bloated, and pale. I was too tired to explain that I had signed up for a sacred practice meant to elevate my soul (and what that meant). Instead, I tagged him on the Facebook live Sadhana page so he could see what I was up to. The following night he called me and said, “Your mother and I saw the video. Are you in a cult? All those people in white look like mental patients.”

Was I really back here again, having another conversation like this with my parents? Some 10 years ago, I came out of the closet as a Feng Shui consultant. My parents wished it was just a phase, lied to their friends that I was an interior designer, and insisted that spirituality is for people that don’t want to work.

See also “Something Happens as I Continue to Chant…”

The Realization That Sadhana May Not Be For Me

On day 30, I went to see a medical intuitive who told me that I was suffering from liver insomnia and severe adrenal fatigue. I had no idea that our livers wake up around 4 a.m. Which meant that when I was getting up to do yoga so early, it was really hard on my liver. I already had mild symptoms of adrenal fatigue before starting Sadhana and didn’t know that feeling wired and tired were the hallmarks of that condition. It explained why I was having so much trouble falling asleep.

I reached out to a friend who’s a Kundalini yoga instructor to tell her that I was going to quit because I couldn’t take it anymore, and she urged me not to. “Everything that’s coming up for you is coming up for healing and clearing,” she told me. Translation for spiritual neophytes? “Your moodiness, liver issues, obsession with weight, and needing other people’s approval was probably always there, and now you’re ready to deal with it.”

I thought I’d dealt with all of that years ago—at least the obsession with weight and needing others’ approval. But the onion has many layers. And maybe Sadhana was fast-tracking the peeling of mine.

I pushed through. Because that’s what I do.

I began to wonder if I’m just a masochist and maybe what I really need is to get back into therapy. Then, I reminded myself that I am a therapist. In fact, I’m actually a spiritual psychotherapist and should know by now if something is good for me.

See also Kundalini 101: Kriya for Balancing Your Eighth Chakra (Auric Field)

Sadhana: The Results of 40 Days of Yoga, Meditation, and Chanting

At the end of the 40 days, a few things happened. First, I felt satisfied that I was able to finish what I started. Next, I finally got a good night’s rest. Then, I spent hundreds of dollars on herbal tinctures and vitamins meant to restore my liver and adrenals. A few small blessings did arrive. I finally found an incredible illustrator for my book and a week later, two of the wellness hotels in Miami Beach where I really wanted to teach finally came through with proposals. Overall, the experience was a mixed bag.

While unfortunate, I don’t think we—as a culture—are equipped to support someone embarking on a 40-day adventure that may cause little or no sleep. Especially if that someone has lots of responsibilities. I think it would’ve been easier, and I could’ve treated the practice with more reverence, had I been on retreat or on an ashram somewhere. But we don’t all have the luxury of going away for a month. I know I don’t.

Forty days of so little sleep would be hard on anyone, regardless of the spiritual path they were on. My advice: If you want to start 40 days of Kundalini Aquarian morning Sadhana, please get your adrenals tested first. Make sure your life supports the potentially crazy sleep schedule, and that you have lots of time to rest and contemplate the process.

Also, listen to your body. If you feel like it’s getting to be too much, don’t turn to this all-too-common default: “Exhaustion? Oh, it’s probably just my negative mind trying to sabotage me.” There’s nothing enlightened about wearing yourself down to become more spiritual.

See also Kundalini 101: What Is the Aquarian Age, Anyway?

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#Guided Meditation #kundalini yoga #meditation #Meditation Prep #Types of Yoga #Yoga 101 #yoga asanas #yoga classes #Yoga Exercises

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chocolate-brownies · 5 years

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“I Tried 40 Days of Yoga, Meditating, and Chanting at 3 a.m. Every Morning”

“I Tried 40 Days of Yoga, Meditating, and Chanting at 3 a.m. Every Morning”:

Here’s what happened.

Sadhana involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days.

Why I Tried 40 Days of Sadhana

For about a year prior to starting Sadhana—which involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days—I’d seen Facebook ads for it. Several friends swore by its benefits, and I’d read many articles about its transformative powers, such as increased energy, mental clarity, and a plethora of blessings. Many spiritual paths have a practice of getting up before sunrise to pray. That special time is called Amrit Vela, which translates as the Nectar of God. When you give two and a half hours to a spiritual source, your entire day is covered with blessings. And who doesn’t want more blessings?

For the next 40 days, I woke up at 2:30 a.m., put on my white clothes and head covering, and drove to a yoga studio where I practiced yoga, sang songs to my soul, and chanted Aquarian mantras. I tried to go to sleep each night no later than 8 p.m. each night to attempt at least five or six hours of shut-eye. But no matter how many hot baths I took, Chamomile teas I drank, or minutes I spent breathing through my left nostril to relax, I couldn’t fall asleep until it was time to wake up again.

See also “Something Happens as I Continue to Chant…”

The Realization That Sadhana May Not Be For Me

I pushed through. Because that’s what I do.

See also Kundalini 101: Kriya for Balancing Your Eighth Chakra (Auric Field)

Sadhana: The Results of 40 Days of Yoga, Meditation, and Chanting

See also Kundalini 101: What Is the Aquarian Age, Anyway?

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cedarrrun · 5 years

Link

Here’s what happened.

Sadhana involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days.

Why I Tried 40 Days of Sadhana

See also "Something Happens as I Continue to Chant..."

The Realization That Sadhana May Not Be For Me

I reached out to a friend who’s a Kundalini yoga instructor to tell her that I was going to quit because I couldn't take it anymore, and she urged me not to. “Everything that's coming up for you is coming up for healing and clearing,” she told me. Translation for spiritual neophytes? “Your moodiness, liver issues, obsession with weight, and needing other people’s approval was probably always there, and now you’re ready to deal with it.”

I pushed through. Because that’s what I do.

See also Kundalini 101: Kriya for Balancing Your Eighth Chakra (Auric Field)

Sadhana: The Results of 40 Days of Yoga, Meditation, and Chanting

Also, listen to your body. If you feel like it’s getting to be too much, don't turn to this all-too-common default: “Exhaustion? Oh, it’s probably just my negative mind trying to sabotage me.” There’s nothing enlightened about wearing yourself down to become more spiritual.

See also Kundalini 101: What Is the Aquarian Age, Anyway?

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

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krisiunicornio · 5 years

Link

Here’s what happened.

Sadhana involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days.

Why I Tried 40 Days of Sadhana

See also "Something Happens as I Continue to Chant..."

The Realization That Sadhana May Not Be For Me

I pushed through. Because that’s what I do.

See also Kundalini 101: Kriya for Balancing Your Eighth Chakra (Auric Field)

Sadhana: The Results of 40 Days of Yoga, Meditation, and Chanting

See also Kundalini 101: What Is the Aquarian Age, Anyway?

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

0 notes

remedialmassage · 5 years

Text

“I Tried 40 Days of Yoga, Meditating, and Chanting at 3 a.m. Every Morning”

Here’s what happened.

Sadhana involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days.

Why I Tried 40 Days of Sadhana

See also "Something Happens as I Continue to Chant..."

The Realization That Sadhana May Not Be For Me

I pushed through. Because that’s what I do.

See also Kundalini 101: Kriya for Balancing Your Eighth Chakra (Auric Field)

Sadhana: The Results of 40 Days of Yoga, Meditation, and Chanting

See also Kundalini 101: What Is the Aquarian Age, Anyway?

from Yoga Journal https://ift.tt/2EiisPZ

#Yoga Journal

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amyddaniels · 5 years

Text

“I Tried 40 Days of Yoga, Meditating, and Chanting at 3 a.m. Every Morning”

Here’s what happened.

Sadhana involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days.

Why I Tried 40 Days of Sadhana

See also "Something Happens as I Continue to Chant..."

The Realization That Sadhana May Not Be For Me

I pushed through. Because that’s what I do.

See also Kundalini 101: Kriya for Balancing Your Eighth Chakra (Auric Field)

Sadhana: The Results of 40 Days of Yoga, Meditation, and Chanting

See also Kundalini 101: What Is the Aquarian Age, Anyway?

0 notes

amberjacksonart-blog · 6 years

Text

Community and Togetherness - Depression research questionnaire

In order to accurately inform my audience for this project, I decided to carry out a questionnaire on depression. I accumulated data on potential causes for the illness, ages, environmental influences, etc. This also included how depression makes the individual feel. Attached is the results of that questionnaire.

Upon advertising my intent to carry out a questionnaire, I realised how no men applied for the questionnaire, which I felt was tremendously telling of how men are the smallest demographic of society to seek help for mental illnesses. I found this to be just awful.

Click “keep reading” to view the results.

What is your age?

17 30 46 29 22 23 33 19 19

What is your gender?

Female Female Female Female Female Female Female Female Female

What is your sexual orientation?

x Heterosexual Heterosexual Heterosexual Heterosexual Heterosexual Bisexual/Heterosexual Bisexual Bisexual

What is your ethnicity?

White British White White British White White British Hispanic White Eurasian mixed White British

What are your religious views? (Christian, Buddhist, atheist, etc)

Christian Christian Christian x x Catholic Atheist Agnostic Agnostic

What form of depression do you suffer with? (Clinical, bipolar disorder, postpartum depression, etc)

Clinical depression Postpartum and clinical depression Clinical and Seasonal Affective Disorder Not certain Not certain Clinical depression Clinical depression Clinical depression Clinical depression

How long have you suffered with depression?

Diagnosed for 5 years, symptoms displayed for 8 years. 6 years 28 years 4/5 years 5+ years 4 years 3 years 2.5 years Diagnosed for 3 years, symptoms displayed for 8 years.

How frequently do you display signs of being depressed?

Weekly, but when I spiral the signs are constant. Often Weekly On a fairly regular basis Daily Every couple of months. Sometimes every month in a row. Weekly Can be every few months or weekly. Every day

Do you suffer with any other illnesses, in addition to depression? (Cancer, anxiety, diabetes, etc) If so, do you feel these illnesses have an effect on or caused your depression?

I suffered from insomnia and anxiety before I was diagnosed with depression. I feel as though all three of these illnesses exacerbate each other. When I don’t sleep I am more anxious, when I am more anxious I become more depressed. When I am in a depressed state I stop sleeping which aggravates the insomnia and anxiety etc.

Postpartum anxiety

I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Feeling constantly tired and in pain has a significant impact on my mood.

Anxiety

Anaemia and I’ve been told it directly affects it.

Anxiety, which makes depression a lot worse. Anxiety causes the inability to think clearly in moments of distress. When depressed, this adds just a state of almost panic with the distress.

Higher functioning Autism and Anxiety - yes, Autism affects the way I behave in situations that may be unusual which has made me a target for bullying. My anxiety has meant that I cannot deal with stressful situations or makes me overthink things which has lead to negative thoughts about myself and my lack of ability to cope as well as others.

Anxiety. Anxiety has coupled with my depression, as the two commonly come together. Both prevent sleep and my anxiety makes my depression worse in the sense that I can’t interact with people and leave my house.

Are you aware of any biological factors which might have caused your depression? (Hormonal imbalances, hereditary factors, etc) If it developed with no cause, or no clear cause, please state.

Hormone imbalance.

I think it runs in the family. Probably genetic.

My Dad's family all have some form of Mental Health problems, so yes I believe it is hereditary.

It seems like it’s a hormonal imbalance since it often coincides with my period, but it doesn’t always, and the symptoms started without warning fairly recently, even though I’ve been having my period since I was 12.

No known cause.

Iron deficiency but I’m not entirely sure.

PTSD, and life changing injury mainly triggered the depression. No hormonal imbalances or heredity.

Family history of mental health (Inc. depression).

Hormone imbalance. It occurs at its worse during the start of my menstrual cycle. It also runs in the family on my mum’s side, so is likely hereditary also.

Have you experienced any traumatic or distressing situations which might have affected and/or caused depression? (Assault, homelessness, racism, bullying, unhealthy relationships, etc)

I was severely bullied for 10 years.

Spiritual abuse/trauma.

I was bullied at school, but I am unsure if this contributed to my depression.

Sexual assault as a child, abandonment from a parent as a teenager, bullying in middle school.

Bullying, child abuse and childhood rape.

I was kicked out of my previous university right before it started.

Sexual assault, bullying through social media, car accident and leg injury. All contributed to depression.

Victim of child abuse, kidnapping, sexual harassment/assault.

Bullying, parents’ divorce, grandparents becoming ill, psychological manipulation.

Which symptoms do you experience as a result of depression? (Irritability, difficulty sleeping, suicidal thoughts, etc) Please list all, unless not comfortable to do so. Suicidal thoughts, difficulty sleeping, binge eating, self harm, poor concentration, the need to

isolate myself, no motivation.

Insomnia, occasional suicidal thoughts, compulsivity, abuse of food/alcohol, irritability, terrible anxiety.

Irritability, difficulty sleeping, suicidal thoughts, although I have no real desire to harm myself, low mood, tearful, irritable bowel syndrome, frequent viral illnesses, memory problems, poor concentration, anxiety, obsessive behaviour, self hating, weight gain.

Lethargy, irritability, lack of desire to do things I’m interested in, occasional suicidal thoughts, inability to have even the most basic social interactions.

Suicidal thoughts, wanting to hurt myself, nightmares.

Irritability, anger, lack of sleep occasionally, loss of appetite, loss of interest, sadness.

Irritable, loneliness, isolation, suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts (without intention), low mood, irritability, self harm, periods of insomnia, withdrawal from other people, lack of motivation. Suicidal thoughts, self harm, lack of energy, lack of motivation, insomnia, overeating, vomiting, feelings of not feeling good enough, irritability, sensitivity.

Have you sought medical help for depression? Yes. Yes. Yes. I started taking birth control to help with the hormonal imbalance, but I haven’t specifically sought treatment for the depression itself. No. No, not yet. Yes. Sought counselling (unsuccessful, I believe it made me feel worse). Trying to avoid need for medication. Yes.

Are you currently receiving any help for depression? (Counsellors, talking therapies, medication, etc)

Not currently but I have had CBT and three years of counselling.

Talk therapy, medication for anxiety, etc.

Medication, although I have tried one to one Counselling, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and a group depression group all without any improvement in my mental health.

No.

I’m not taking any meds for the depression directly but the medication I’m taking formy anaemia seems to be helping.

Yes, therapy.

No. I am on waiting lists but have had no response.

Yes. I have doctor’s appointments every two weeks and am currently taking medication.

Have you ever reached out through helplines for help?

Yes.

Not as of yet.

No.

Yes, in suicidal moments, twice.

No.

Yes, when I was feeling suicidal.

Do you have loved ones who you can turn to for help? (Friends, family, etc)

Yes, friends, family and a supportive online community.

Yes.

Yes, both family and friends.

Yes.

Yes, but I struggle to talk about it. I would have to go into my reasons for the way I feel and I don’t feel that I can tell members of my family because of how it would affect them.

Yes.

Some, yes, but I don’t typically like to.

Yes, friends. Yes. I have an online group of friends who are always there to talk to, as well as family who are loving and some who also suffer with depression. My local friends do not understand and don’t offer much support, so I don’t feel as close to them anymore.

How easy is it for you to talk to others about depression?

It can take a while to build up the confidence or comfort to be able to open up about it as it is a very personal and sensitive subject for me and I am fully aware of the stigma that still surrounds mental illness.

Fairly easy, depending on the person.

Not very easy, because most people don't understand.

It depends on who I am discussing it with. I am better at discussing it with my close friends who I met through social media than I am my mom or people I know in real life.

Very difficult.

It’s pretty easy if I or someone else bring up the subject. But I have trouble coming out and saying something’s wrong.

Not usually easy, but I’m getting better with some friends that have been open to talk with.

Not easy. Usually if I'm talking about it I make light of it and make jokes, I don’t like speaking about my depression, although I feel as if joking about it makes it seem not so real/not a big deal and I can get through it.

Easy with friends on social media, and family. I have an understanding doctor, though it is hard to talk to her about my suicidal thoughts. I don’t talk to my local friends about it anymore. They don’t understand and it makes me want to hide away. I never bring it up with not so close friends or those at university. I did once, and the person didn’t understand. I felt like a freak.

Do you feel depression is a condition that affects or hinders your ability to function in a work, education or social environment?

Yes, in the past it has caused me to stop attending school, I temporarily quit my part time job. In secondary school I was given two days off a week in year 11 as I could not handle the full 5 days without having a breakdown. I don’t really go out as much as my friends do, especially if I’m in a depressive state.

I have intense social anxiety with it, so yes, I often don’t want to leave the house. Yes it greatly affects it. Sufferers are often affected by a severe loss of energy, they suffer concentration problems, therefore impacting on their work output, colleague relationships can be affected because of other people not understanding why a depressed person is acting the way they are. Often sufferers become very isolated and don't feel comfortable around people, they need space and to deal with things in their own time and without pressure.

Yes

It doesn’t anymore but when it was starting out, it affected my wanting to take pictures and work on my photography edits which I’m currently majoring in.

I still am able to work, but social situations can be harder with depression.

It affects my motivation and can also affect my sleep, this means I am either too tired to work or I do not have the motivation to complete set work.

Absolutely. I am now working on university projects primarily from home, as it is too hard to travel to university every day and sit in lectures I often don’t have the mental focus for. I am also unemployed, as I can’t cope with more than university at the moment. Even then, I’m not coping well.

Do you feel depression has an effect on how you interact with others? Does it put strains on your relationships?

Definitely, I am quite guarded and paranoid about people intentions and judgements. I have lost friends due to depression and I do feel like a burden to my friends sometimes.

Absolutely.

Yes very much so. I don't enjoy the company of other people, other than close family.

At times, yes. There are time where it feels almost physically impossible for me to interact at all.

Definitely.

It makes it hard to sometimes even talk to people.

Yes it does and has.

I am often irritable or short with people which can cause people to become annoyed with me. Some choose to ignore me completely when I am like this which makes me feel even worse.

Yes. I no longer spend time with friends. I don’t attend parties, I don’t go out for meals. I miss family occasions and I have lost friends as a result. When they don’t reach out to make sure I’m okay, it makes me feel worse. And when they stop inviting me places altogether, it makes me feel unwanted and likely to never hang out, should I ever feel better. Not extending an invitation at all feels far worse than inviting me and having to decline the offer.

Do you feel society’s misconceptions and stigma are preventing you from seeking help?

It did to begin with.

Not necessarily. I don’t feel a stigma on me but I do think most people truly don’t get it.

No, not me specifically. But I feel like the lack of understanding of it on part of the older generations - my mom or her boyfriend, for example - has hindered my desire to get help.

Yes

No I think my own thoughts are the ones preventing me from seeking help.

I think it delayed my getting help a LONG time, and that’s unfortunate, and I didn’t have to suffer alone. The stigma still hangs over us and we tend to still think that we’re just broken. I feel that the stigma around seeking medication especially has made me hesitant to see about going on antidepressants. Also I feel as if I am not allowed to feel depressed because of my circumstances, almost as if my depression is a weakness caused by the fact I am not working hard enough to be content/happy and that I need to try harder to be strong. Not medical help, but reaching out to friends who don’t suffer with a mental illness is hard. They think I’m simply sad or need to hang out somewhere to lift my spirits. It makes me less likely to talk to them about how I’m feeling.

How easily accessible do you feel medical help is for depression and other mental illnesses? Do you feel other social groups, ages, genders, etc, have greater access to these services than yourself?

Not easily accessible at all, for anyone.

Not particularly. When I had postpartum depression I was constantly assured to seek help.

GP help is readily available, but often there is insufficient funding put into services for mental health problems. I particularly feel that more needs to be done to address mental health problems in children.

Not very accessible.

I’m not sure.

Not really, I do have good insurance, but at the same time it’s difficult to find the proper help either way.

I feel that while there are a lot of services to help young people with mental health issues, they often have long waiting lists and (in my experience) after waiting so long the help you do receive is minimal and impersonal, like you are just another person to get through and move on. The best help seems to be out of reach. I feel that adults have better services for mental health (maybe they are taken more seriously?), however the issue of waiting for treatment can be much worse so it almost evens out.

I don’t particularly feel any other social groups have greater access, but I do think mental illnesses as a whole are hard to find help for. People tend to disregard you and make automatic judgements. Those with physical illnesses you can evidently see will find help a lot faster.

Do you know other people who suffer from depression? Are they close to you? Are you someone they turn to for help?

Yes, I have friends who suffer depression. I do sometimes ask for support from them because I know they have an awareness of the degree of feelings however I do worry about subjects being detrimental to their mental health so sometimes I just keep it to myself.

A couple of my friends struggle but they don’t often discuss it with me. A few friends I have in online communities often discuss it with me and offer support and seek help and support with me.

I know lots of people with depression, in fact I know more people with depression than without. There are some people who I would be more willing to approach for help.

Yes to all three.

I do. Yes they do turn to me a lot. I try and talk them through their problems and they say that it helps.

I have several who do and I always make it a point to let them know I’m always open if they need someone to talk to.

Yes, I know several friends who have various forms of depression, and yes they sometimes turn to me for help.

I have friends and family who suffer from depression. I always try and be someone they can turn to because I know how it feels to be ignored or pushed aside because of their feelings and I don't want anyone to ever feel like they are alone in their battle.

Many family members suffer from depression, and a big volume of my best friends suffer from depression. They are in an online community of mine, so it’s easier to open up. We’re there for each other.

Is there anything else you would like to add?

Regarding the medical help for depression I was referred to a specialist clinic when I was 15. The wait for the appointment was 9 months. They graded me as a high risk service user who needed help but they said I still wasn’t unwell enough to qualify for care and I was essentially left to my own devices. This has somewhat put me off from wanting to seek more help. x x x x x Depression is just like any illness, and I wish it was recognized as such. It needs to be talked about, people need to understand it and understand how much it can affect people and their lives and the others in their life. It’s a dangerous disease just like cancer can be, but it’s in the mind, so harder to pinpoint. It’s very powerful and can affect one’s physical health. We need more people to take the time to listen and open up to the concept of how often and how many people suffer from depression in some way. Some people have it in waves, some have it with triggering events, it can come at any time. x x

#community and togetherness #research

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shockerstopperz-blog · 7 years

Text

The Last Stand

I am really hopeful that this becomes my last post.

A quick reminder as to why this exist or started.

People were talking their trash while I ignored them, who ever, as I became older, it was more than obvious that a lot of my hard work was going to waste and felt the need to address the problem.

For one, no one has to believe me when I explain my problems as people harassing me and bullying me, to health issues compounding the situation.

It is one thing to be healthy and work your entire life with nothing to show for it, and another to not know if you could continue working for another year due to fatigue or some pain or another, and still not have anything to show for it.

That is the catalyst for all of my get rich quick schemes: if I could work for five years, let it be towards a project where I could make enough money to not have to be concerned about having a job.

That sounded like a smart idea, except I needed a job to jump start the process of buying computers and learning to program.

That is where the second problem presented itself: people bullying me to be friends with them with the belief that I had to hire them in my company. They were actually telling me that I had to hire them. And of course getting a job since then has proven difficult.

If I wanted a job, then I had to be friends with the people that hired me.

Let me go over for the last time the health issues and issues that affect my decisions and difficulties with obtaining and keeping a job.

The belief that that some have of they could bully me to be friends with them or do without a job is rather interesting when you take into my account my health situation.

The most prominent was my fatigue issue. The pain issue is mainly since my back started giving problems.

My opinion is that, I never had to consistently push my body prior to me having a job in this country, so that probably masked the problem. I did have shoulder pain from lifting concrete mortar that went away eventually, but not much else.

So the pain issue was since 1994.

The fatigue and weak muscles were so bad growing up that I could not have climbed trees if there were no low lying branches.

Imagine climbing a pole where you use your legs to push and your arms to pull.

I had trouble pedaling a bicycle, and was aware of the weakness in my legs while climbing the steps in our home.

Jumping was always an issue. I could not jump far.

Then my weak arms that fatigues easily as well meant driving long distances was a concern, because even when I placed my arm on the door to rest it, my arm would cramp. For that reason, initially I used to mainly drive on surface streets, the reason being, the stop lights provide my arms some rest time.

Well, by 2004 after having a job for some time, I was spending money on protein powder and a 40lb hand weight set.

I also started shopping at GNC, and other stores that sold supplements.

And before you knew if, some of my fatigue went away. I was now driving further distances where fatigue was no longer a primary concern for my arms.

The reason I was able to keep that job for so long was the caffeine from the sodas. A job meant I could go buy the 12 can of sodas.

The point is, taking up weight lifting and using the same supplements as professional lifters provided some relief from my chronic fatigue and muscle weakness.

Further research has provided supplements that can and should provide relief, except they are expensive.

Redbull always made me more tired and made my muscles fatigue faster. I still dont know why. I am not even certain if it allows me to stay awake longer, but I guess it does considering how bad my chronic sleepiness is without caffeine.

If you see me peddling my tricycle with relative ease, though not fast, caffeine is behind it. Without caffeine I have to pull my tricycle behind me for every incline.

Some of the supplements that could benefit me include the following:

Gingseng: small boost in energy, helps me tolerate the cold weather much better. That helped while I was sleeping on the street.

Caffeine: the primary source of energy when I need it to stay awake or walk long distances.

Taurine: only used in some energy drinks. also helps balance the jittery feeling from caffeine. not sure about the energy boost.

L-Carnitine: this should provide an energy boost at the muscle tissue level. cannot say it worked or if it was the caffeine.

Between Taurine and L-Carnitine, I would say their most noticeable effect is, my muscles feel youthful, by which I mean, I can bend and stoop with relative ease.

It could be something else that was responsible, because these drinks also had B-vitamins. They could have created a synergistic effect, such as the carnitine was able to push the vitamins into the cells.

What ever the case, the muscle pain I experience now, this very moment, usually does not exist when I am using protein powder and bcaas.

Now, is that sustainable? I dont know, because I have never had the financial resources to find out.

All I know is, while using protein powder and working out doing arm curls in my apartment, I was able to drive a toyota corolla to indiana and a toyota minivan back, and the round trip took at least four hours, with me only taking a break for the paperwork and to eat a meal with soda.

So, the conclusion here is, caffeine does provide me with enough energy to function.

Having said all that, I was already told by two doctors to stop using caffeine. Obviously, at the time I was using excessive caffeine. Like most people that work in the tech industry, I was using at least five cans a day, and that was just to keep me from falling asleep during the day.

My point behind that lengthy detail of my health issues, without addressing my depression and difficulty at times concentrating, is the intent to remain on section 8 until I am certain that the problems that led to me being in the situation now, would be remedied.

Until I am confident that I would be able to show up to work with enough energy, I intend working on that in the safety of my section 8.

But I do love how some people feel they dont have to show me respect like they show white men.

Take that little punk at loaves and fishes that wanted to make a big scene about me not saying hi to him, where if it was a white male, there was nothing he could say, or the female that was with him.

And as I said, the only reason I decided to start a conversation with her was because I thought she was a volunteer, but lucky for me, I was not white so she did not feel obligated to respond to me out of respect. If it was a white male she probably would have been shaking in her boots out of respect.

Well, I decided before they made her speak to me later, to ensure that she was not going to.

Well, I guess me being black meant I wished she was interested in speaking to me which meant taking care of that belief.

But as I said, them not needing to show me the same respect as they show white men meant I no longer need to have to deal with these people, especially if I would need to consider a job in the downtown area, providing I manage to remedy my health issues.

I find it strange how sam at the voa told me to just let those guys see my penis, they are just curious, except on two separate occasions, after showering, sam and sheridan were leaning again the mens urinal and looking at me and smiling as if they wanted to see my penis, because for some reason seeing my penis would make them happy and for some reason makes me and them friends.

Why would a man be curious about seeing another mans penis is beyond me, but as I said already, a lot of these people work in these environments because they are sexually attracted to men and perversion.

Well, let me go review writing resumes and see what jobs I could apply to, then continue trying to see what they say about research on boosting energy and muscle strength.

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