#i often find myself empathizing with the dogs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pxnsneverland · 11 months

Text

Beauty and the Boss | austin!elvis x oc (part 9)

plot summary: Laura Jean Walker is the daughter to Louisiana’s most powerful mafia boss, but to her, he’s just her jail warden. When she sneaks out to the Louisiana Hayride with her friend she sees Elvis Presley perform and instantly knows something is special about this boy. Especially when he saves her from being assaulted by a townie. She thinks she’s on cloud 9 until she gets kidnapped in the middle of the night by the Memphis Mafia led by Elvis himself. Will Laura Jean try to free herself or will something hold her back from finding her way home?

pairings: austin!elvis x oc

word count: 1845

warnings/notes: Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long since I posted a part, but I finally got some time today :)

Chapter 9

The funeral of Gladys passed in a blur, and before we knew it, the wake was upon us. A steady stream of visitors flowed in and out of the house, all eager to pay their respects to the departed soul lying in the casket. It was a somber sight, made all the more poignant by the fact that it now occupied the very spot where Elvis's grand piano once stood. Beyond the threshold, amidst the ebb and flow of visitors, a throng of journalists and the flicker of camera bulbs stood poised, anticipating Elvis' emergence and any utterance he might offer. The dogs were ravenous, and they seemed intent on exploiting his grief. In the interim, Elvis had not crossed my path since our return from the church. He vanished up the stairs, never to return. I empathized with the agony he was experiencing and yearned to offer solace with my words. However, I was aware that words would be futile in this situation. The death of my mother continued to linger in my mind even after all these years, and it was not an unexpected heart attack like Ms. Gladys.

Perched upon the plush velvet carpeting of the steps, I observed the bustling crowd from a safe vantage point. I was disinclined to respond to inquiries or receive expressions of sympathy that were rightfully intended for Elvis. The memory of Mama's funeral flooded back to me, overwhelming my senses. Hollow utterances emanating from individuals who lacked sincerity in their speech. It was precisely the phrase one utters to console those who have suffered the loss of a cherished person. Their assistance fell short of your expectations. With a firm grasp on the hem of my black dress, I attempted to free myself from the labyrinth of my own thoughts. I found myself being pulled into a recollection that I had no desire to revisit. I felt a sense of gratitude as Colonel descended the stairs, his expression conveying more than just dissatisfaction.

The Colonel grumbled, “He won’t come out of that closet.” Though he averted his gaze, I sensed that his words were directed towards me. He leaned against the wall adjacent to my position. “There are some fine folks from the press waiting outside. A few questions, pictures, and they will leave us alone.”

With a cool gaze, I observed him closely, and his subtle response indicated that he was aware of my piercing stare. “You want him to go talk to the reporters? After his Mama just died? The person he was closest to in the world?”

“I know, I know.” The insincere tone of his voice sent shivers down my spine. “He trusted her like nobody else, and now she’s gone and who does he have now?” He finally looked at me.

“You’ve picked the wrong person for an ally, Colonel. I ain’t forcin’ him to go talk to nobody.”

“No, no. That’s not…that’s not what I meant. I care about my boy whether you believe that or not, Ms. Walker. I tried talking to him but it’s really not my place. You, however, have his heart perhaps just as much as his dear Mama did. He trusts you. Despite our differences, you and I, we have one thing in common. We want what is best for that boy. And today, you are what is best.”

The art of deception is often employed by conmen, who skillfully blend elements of truth with their own ulterior motives. The art of perception was a skill passed on by my father, and it allowed me to easily discern the true intentions of the Colonel. Perhaps his interest in Elvis was genuine, but it was overshadowed by his preoccupation with his own celebrity and public persona. As the reporters continued to exploit Elvis's sorrow, the Colonel's pockets grew increasingly lined with cash. Despite the presence of the man standing next to me, my adoration for Elvis remained paramount. I rose to my feet, delicately smoothing out the fabric of my skirt.

“I’m not makin’ him come down if he don’t want to,” I declared, preceding my ascent up the stairs towards the room that was once occupied by Gladys.

Not a single thing had been disturbed since her passing. The room appeared to be suspended in time, a poignant tribute to a person who would never again occupy its space. The faint sound of Elvis's subdued weeping emanated from the depths of her closet. I advanced cautiously, mindful of the potential for startling him. My trepidation stemmed from a fear that he might bolt from my presence, much like a skittish cat. The door of the closet was slightly ajar, allowing a breath of fresh air to seep through. With a hesitant hand, I gradually pushed the closet door ajar. Inside, I was met with a heart-wrenching sight - Elvis was seated on the floor, his thin frame huddled amidst his Mama's dresses. Tears streamed down his face, his sobs wracking his entire body with each passing moment. He stole a quick glance in my direction before turning away, pressing his cheek against the soft fabric of a dress.

I lowered myself onto the ground, maintaining a safe distance from him, as I positioned myself directly in front of him. “Hi, baby.”

“She’s gone…”

“I know. But all your friends and family…they’re wonderin’ where you are.”

A deep sob escaped his lips. “I can’t go out there, Laura Jean. I can’t. I just want to stay in here forever.” Tears streamed down his face as he buried it into the soft fabric of the dress's skirt.

My heart shattered into even smaller pieces for him than it had for myself when I experienced the same misfortune. With a deep breath, I closed the distance between us and enveloped him in a warm embrace, my arms encircling his broad shoulders. He maintained his grip on the garments, yet refrained from deterring me. “I know how you feel. When my Mama died, all I wanted to do was crawl into the ground with her. I felt like my whole world was in pieces and the person who usually picked them up wasn’t there anymore.” I gently massaged his back. “No one could ever replace her. Why, Ms. Gladys was a one-of-a-kind woman who raised a one-of-a-kind son. I wish I could be half as strong as she was some day.”

Elvis buried his head in my shoulder and embraced me with such force that it became difficult to catch my breath. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do without her. She was everythin’. All this…all this was for her.”

My fingers glided through his hair. “You cry now. You cry your little heart out for as long as you need to. And day by day, you just keep on movin’, keep on livin’. Cause that’s what your Mama would have wanted. For you to live your life as fully and as happily as you can.” I gently pressed my lips against his forehead. “And I’ll be here for you, too. Whenever you need me. I’ll work and I’ll worry in your Mama’s place. Okay?” With a nod, he buried his face deeper into my shoulder. To hold him felt like I was holding a baby who was twice my size. Gradually, I rose to my feet, pulling him up alongside me until we were both standing upright. With a gentle touch, I wiped away the tears that had gathered on his face, my fingers softly caressing his cheek. “Now we’re gonna go downstairs and you’re gonna go say goodbye to your Mama.”

With a sniffle, Elvis enfolded me in a warm embrace, pressing my head against his chest. He clasped my head firmly, as if he feared that I might vanish into thin air. All the while, I listened intently to the rhythmic thumping of his heart. “I ain’t never gonna let anyone take you away from me, you hear? Not your Daddy, not the Colonel, no one. I don’t care about money or stupid mafia business. I just care about you.”

“I’m not goin’ anywhere,” I vowed.

With tears streaming down his face, he whispered, “I love you, Laura Jean.”

“I love you too.” I grasped his hand firmly and led him out of the bedroom, descending the stairs in unison. Silence fell over the room as Elvis made his way towards the open casket of Gladys. No expense had been spared for her funeral, from the casket to the flower arrangements and every detail in between. As I gazed upon her, she appeared serene and undisturbed, nestled within the soft and luxurious velvet that lined the interior of the casket. Elvis gazed intently at her, his grip on my hand unyielding. He parted his lips, as if to utter words to her, but they were abruptly stifled by a wrenching sob. I rested my head upon his shoulder.

The Colonel shuffled up behind us and placed a hand on Elvis's shoulder. “I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through, my boy. But you have comforted your friend and your family. You need to go comfort your fans too, hmm? They are worried about you. And if you don’t go do that all that your mama sacrificed for you will be for nothing.”

The desire to expel acid from my mouth consumed me. Using Elvis at this time? How could he? He was in no position to have a conversation with anyone. He needed the freedom to simply exist as a young man who had suffered the loss of his mother, rather than being burdened with the weighty expectations of embodying the iconic figure of Elvis Presley. In spite of my innermost insults directed towards Colonel Parker, Elvis gravitated towards him and sought solace in his embrace, shedding tears upon his shoulder. I yearned to persuade him that the presence of the elderly gentleman was superfluous. The Colonel hesitantly rubbed Elvis's back.

“You stay with my through thick and thin, okay?” he asked, his eyes searching for reassurance. Elvis expressed, “You’re like a father to me.”

My eyes locked onto the Colonel's, and he met my gaze with a smug expression that made me itch to wipe it off his face. Despite my constant challenges, he relished the sense of power he wielded over Elvis. I persisted in my efforts to liberate Elvis from the clutches of the snowman, refusing to give up until my mission was accomplished. As Elvis withdrew, the Colonel offered a reassuring pat on his shoulder. “Just a few questions and some photos and we will be done.”

“C-Can Laura Jean come with me?” Elvis sniffled.

The Colonel's gaze met mine, but I refused to back down, my expression daring him to confront me. I was determined not to leave Elvis, even if he forbade my presence. He let out a deep sigh and replied, “Of course. You need her now.”

With a nod, I followed Elvis as he led me through the throng of microphones and cameras outside.

Stay tuned for part 10!! Click HERE to view!

88 notes · View notes

altocat · 7 months

Note

Sephiroth definitely developed abandonment issues and it breaks my heart so much because I know how it feels personally to be neglected emotionally. It's one of the reasons why I have extreme disdain for Lucrecia and its kind of annoying that she gets a bit of a pass because she's pretty. To me, she's just as bad as hojo.

Lucrecia's a controversial character. However, I take into account that she WANTED to see Sephiroth and that he was taken from her against her will. It was never her choice to lose him. I really don't think Dirge does a good enough job addressing her thoughts and feelings regarding what happened with Sephiroth.

Do I think she would have been a good mother? Probably not. Or at least, she would have been a very flawed one. Does she deserve forgiveness? I don't know, that's up to Sephiroth since he was the one she did this to. But both of them were denied the agency to explore these outcomes thanks to Shinra. Lucrecia's reasons for leaving are too vague and it's likely that her sense of hopelessness extends far beyond what Dirge presented us with. So while she's guilty for a lot of things, I don't think it was ever her intention to abandon Sephiroth. She wanted her son. She was denied her child. And thus, through shaky writing that didn't give us the full picture, she decided that reaching her son was ultimately impossible. But the choice of losing Sephiroth was never hers. She never even got to hold him.

Regardless, I can say with full confidence that regardless of Lucrecia's many, many flaws as a person, the forced separation of mother and child is a situation of unbearable sadness and pain. And I think that Lucrecia being in Sephiroth's life would have been infinitely more preferable than what he actually experienced. Those abandonment issues might have been softened considerably and the ambiguity that led him to Jenova never would have taken place.

I don't know. As someone who struggles with severe anxiety and low self esteem, I often find myself empathizing with Lucrecia. My opinion on her shifts constantly. Sometimes I lay into her. Sometimes I find myself picturing the situation through her eyes. The human dilemma of making irrational decisions under situations of immense guilt, pressure, moral justification, and panic hits home for me. Lucrecia isn't a sadist like Hojo. She's a conflicted person who did terrible things. But the humanity is still there. And she will never, ever forgive herself. So really, I feel like there's nothing to really gain in trashing her. I feel like she punishes herself enough. Kicking a sick dog doesn't feel good, you know? And I blame Dirge's writing more than anything else.

#asks #ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #sephcanons #sephiroth #lucrecia crescent #dirge of cerberus

31 notes · View notes

deafwishesblog · 8 months

Text

Navigating Unspoken Grief: The Journey That Followed Losing My Lovely Mum

"Hello readers, I've just started a blog as a means of processing and documenting my little life. I must say I am I am terrified to share! But I know I must. Here's my introduction & any support, especially on my WordPress site would be thoroughly appreciated. All my love, E x"

It has been almost three years since my mother closed her eyes during her birthday celebrations and never woke up. I won’t disclose her age as, even though I struggle to completely believe that she is still ‘with us’ I entirely trust in her supernatural ability to smite me down. I am now twenty-five and find it very affronting to think about, let alone speak of her passing. My life, like most, has already been very crowded and intricately unique. It has been so eventful that I often feel immensely overwhelmed to remember everything, as who else will? Other than my beloved grandmother and younger brother, I don’t have much in the way of my immediate family. My mother was orphaned in her early twenties; my father left in a selfish, narcissistic flurry when I was eight; my paternal grandfather moved abroad, divorced and remarried, returning once in fifteen years. I find it easy to dismiss these departures in the sense that life happens, and people change, but I inevitably, and often at my lowest, find myself asking why wasn’t I enough to stay.

No one can ever, truly, understand the utter void that comes from losing a parent, unless they too have. Everyone can empathize and reference ill-equipped grief literature, but they can never grasp that empty feeling that the lovely, vibrant being that brought you into this existence is no longer. It’s specific, looming and often very, very inconvenient. I feel a particular bond among those who have experienced this loss. It does not manifest as gravitation towards parentless people but more of a passing respect. A level of understanding of the pain that they too have endured. It is an unnervingly refreshing feeling that the playing fields are levelled.

I consider myself privileged in the sense that I knew my mother was dying at a young age. It wasn’t a shock, I never imagined her at my wedding or holding her grandchildren. I knew, from around age 14, that one day it’ll be just my brother, the dog and I. My mother did not shy away from the topic of death, it was very casually referenced in both calm and heated conversations. Of course, nothing could have ever prepared us for her passing, but I appreciate the lengths she went to make us comfortable. It is due to this comfort that I don’t often process how different my life experiences have been from that of my peers. I place myself in the race, intensely mourning my failures without taking a step back to acknowledge that I am at a disadvantage. When I failed to ask a training-related question during an intense Zoom call in my first week of work, I felt the familiar weight of imposter syndrome, haunted by the perceived judgement of my inattentive colleagues. In that moment, I yearned to type a chat message that would shatter the silence: ‘I’m so sorry, everyone. I was terribly distracted. The funeral home just called. I need to select an outfit for my mother’s cremation. How on earth do you choose something like that? Do I include a bra? Who would want to be cremated wearing one?’ But, as we all know, such words can’t be sent, can they? It is these unspoken thoughts that have compelled me to write this blog, a therapeutic outlet for the words I wish I could have uttered, all the while paying homage to the remarkable woman who raised me.

I am also motivated by the fact that no one ever asks. I completely understand why. It is uncomfortable, and they would like to preserve my happiness as best they can. For that, I love and adore those around me. I do, however, often feel an immense emptiness following interactions where I am unable to acknowledge my grief. I am undoubtedly too concerned with what others think of me. Out of sheer avoidance of inconveniencing them, I often remain silent and allow the weight on my chest to burrow deeper. This leaves most of my relationships feeling shallow and insincere. I want to grab the metaphorical mic and scream about how lucky they are, how hard it’s been and about trivial things like how much my mum just absolutely loved prawns. She loved them so much. We’d have to stop at Iceland every Christmas to get a comically large frozen wheel of them. You should have seen her when our Greek all-inclusive had a shellfish night. She was so utterly happy it was the most radiant I’ve ever seen her. Most likely due to the sheer amount of Omega-3 coursing through her veins. Anyway, this blog is to be my mic. I need to face what happened with transparency and accountability whilst sharing the relentlessly hilarious experiences and coincidences that have occurred along the way.

While I am excited to embark on this journey, I must admit to feeling incredibly nervous about sharing it. To those who have read this far, I hold an immense appreciation that words alone cannot adequately express. Thank you.

#grief #Blog #Memoir #Loss #parent loss #griefsucks #coping with grief #grief journal

2 notes · View notes

mercless · 11 months

Text

15 QUESTIONS FOR THE WRITER.

Tagged by: @ionianelder Tagging: i don't wanna bother anyone 👉👈 if you see this and decide to fill it out u can tag me.

1. are you named after anyone? I named myself ;3 it has a lot of influences after I tried a few other names, and I often joke it was based on a certain superhero. It wasn't, of course. It was explicitly after a bird.

2. when was the last time you cried? I teared up watching a clip of a recent political speech from my government about fun real life stuff :/ uhh a good proper cry has been a while though so 👍

3. do you have kids? No. can't see myself being the primary guardian of one in the foreseeable future either. cowabunga.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot? nEvEr 😜 When I'm not being salty or passive-aggressive I like to be very dramatic with my sarcasm and make a bit out of it. I love doing bits.

5. what’s the first thing you notice about people? Their mood. Their body language and what emotion they're outwardly expressing (not in an 'im an empath' way in a trembling dog wearing a yellow jacket way)

6. what’s your eye colour? A greyish hazel? it's hard for me to tell.

7. scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies... with happy endings? <:3c why not both.

8. any special talents? I'm pretty good at guessing a tone by ear? and finding the harmony. I'm also pretty good at visualising/drawing descriptions people give me verbally or written, but maybe that's just my experience rubbing off. uh and if you need a strange little noise I make those all the time. talent 👍

9. where were you born? the same place I've lived all my life.

10. what are your hobbies? Writing, gaming, sewing, & reading. occasionally a video or audio edit for funsies. when im in a good mood I'll sing. I draw for fun as well but it's more of a 'I am trying to make this my main work' thing now. When I had more free time I used to bake (not well). and before my skateboard broke 😔🙏, skateboarding around.

11. have you any pets? Ever since moving out, I have either lived with housemates pets or places that don't allow pets (presently that, plus one of my housemates is allergic to animal hair). I would like to have a cat or rabbit again when I am more capable of caring for one.

12. what sport do you play/have played? I used to be an active little kid before becoming busy and my health ultimately began to decline. out of order I've done gymnastics competitively, tae kwon do, horse riding, ballet, roller hockey, BMX, swimming, surfing, skiing, skateboarding, and LARPing. nowadays I bike casually for transport, and again if my skateboard didn't get wrecked 😔🙏, I'd be on that.

13. how tall are you? 167cm. nearly 5'6"?

14. favourite subject in school? I remember liking problem-solving things like physics and some math stuff until i was too dumb for it. photo editing, other computer things, digital art stuff and arts and crafts was fun, and I wish I practised music more for my orchestra, i was okay but too shy & weird to make friends :'(

15. dream job? had my dream shattered during uni and still haven't recovered with watching the shaky industry 😬👍 plus properly chasing my goals would mean moving away from basically my entire life. we're back to the drawing board atm. (haha it works cause thats a saying and also i do digital art-)

#‡ ooc #awh re-reading it this comes of kinda sad? sorry about that :/ its the emo in me #long post /#‡ dash games

3 notes · View notes

sapphicseekingsapphic · 2 years

Photo

Hello! Thanks for stopping by. My name is Cate. I'm a 24 year old bisexual woman from West Yorkshire, England. I'd love to meet some like-minded humble, energetic, creative, empathic women from around the world.

Friendship which could lead to more? Who knows. At this point in my life I'm taking it step by step. Keeping an open mind to see what is out there and that is enough for me right now. I love to learn, write, listen to music (especially Jazz, Classical and Folk) my favourite band at the moment is Mumford & Sons. Lately I'm paying more attention to cooking. I'm very much into the cottage core lifestyle/aesthetic and I love vintage fashion with dark academia type pieces. Most of the books on my book shelf are dedicated to self learning - how important it is to take care of our mental health and to be mindful of other people's. I have a BIG heart and often find myself yearning for things which often feel out of reach. I want something real, something healthy and uplifting.

Basic info:

• My favourite colour is green.

• Zodiac sign is Cancer.

• Personality type is ENFP.

• Cat owner although very much a dog person.

• Live in the countryside, born and raised here. Country girl at heart.

• Neurodivergent and proud.

• Mental health advocate.

I'm always happy to chat to new people and to see where this road ahead will take me, I hope this post reaches someone who resonates with it or possibly intrigued to know more. Let's get to know each other?

Tumblr: ladyonapath

#sapphic #wlw #lgbtq #girls who like girls #gwlg #sapphic seeking sapphic #submission

14 notes · View notes

jellysharkbat · 2 years

Text

My dog can't be left alone very often. Well, technically he's not 100% mine. But I'm the one taking care of him most of the time and I'm the one who sets his vet appointments and grooming appointments (along with normal day to day stuff). So at this point, he might as well be my dog.

I love him, I really do. But I can't leave him alone. He has pretty bad separation anxiety (it has gotten a bit better tho!), and he needs meds for it. He takes daily anti-anxiety meds. He's a big dog (110 lbs), and he can get destructive if he panics (when we first adopted him he ripped out the cat door...twice). He's hurt himself (minor) before and I'm afraid of the thought that he might seriously harm himself in a blind panic.

Right now, partially because of this, I can only work part-time. He is home alone 2 days a week. Those are the days I have to be at work. My longest shift is six hours. Because I work part-time my schedule is the easiest to adjust; no one else in the family has a flexible work schedule. The rest of the week, I'm home with him. Me. Just me.

I never leave the house unless it is to go to work or doctor appointments. Over the past 2 1/2 years we've had him, I maybe get to leave the house to do something for myself once a month. Maybe every other. Probably every other or more, now that I think about it. Once a month seems way too often. For just an hour or two at the most when I do.

I'm the one who deals with his anxiety. I'm the only one who's been trying to train him to get better. It's bad enough that I don't think he'll ever be comfortable with being alone but at least it's gotten a bit better. He hasn't peed in the house while I'm at work or an hour long appointment for 3-4 months! Yay him! I'm super proud of him for that!

But it's exhausting. Especially since I'm the only one who usually cleans up/calms him down/trains him (becauseI get home before everyone else). My family refuses to find him a new home (they don't want to be "like that"- the kind of people who adopt and then give their pet up) so we're (I'm) kind of stuck with him.

I love him. I really do. But I almost never leave the house unless it's to go to work or for doctor appointments. It's so rare that I can just...go out and do something for fun. I can maybe do that once a month? Once every other month? And even then, it's never for long. I'm constantly aware that he's at home having a hard time. Panicking. Thinking he's being abandoned.

Maybe it's because I have anxiety disorders too, but I really empathize with his separation anxiety. It breaks my heart, knowing that when I leave him alone, he's convinced he's being abandoned. He's always so *grateful* when I come home. It hurts to see that.

I've cried because of it.

So I don't leave. I don't get to go anywhere besides the places I absolutely have to be at. I don't leave my house for fun. I can't just walk out without a care in the world. I've become jealous of people (which is nearly everyone) who can just...leave for a bit because they want to.

It's been like this for nearly 2 1/2 years now. I hate it so much, and sometimes I really resent my dog for it. If it wasn't for him, maybe I could go hang out somewhere. Maybe I could work on getting to a point where I can get a full-time job. Maybe I can take driving lessons.

But I feel so guilty for leaving him alone. I know it's not his fault. He can't help it. When we adopted him, we didn't get a ton of info about his life before us. We don't know what his first year of life was like. The shelter didn't have him long enough to find out about his seperation anxiety.

I feel horrible for being upset and I'm frustrated with my family for refusing to do anything. I envy them so much because they can (and do) go out with friends or to social events or spontaneously decide to go to a store to look at something.

I can't drive, and driving lessons are expensive af, and I only make so much. My family refuses to help me learn (they didn't help sibling either tho, tbf). We only have one car and they don't want it ruined. So it's already difficult for me to go places.

The dog just makes it worse. I'm trapped in my own house. I don't leave unless I have to. It's almost certainly to somewhere stressful (work) or inherently not fun (doctor). I don't get to go to social events. I don't have friends who live nearby. I'm alone.

And I can't leave because I can't take my dog with me anywhere. I can't guarantee that he'll be allowed inside a business. He's not the best with other dogs, so walking him scares me. I'm terrified of something happening, you know? He weighs more then I do! If he really wanted to, he can overpower me. He's generally pretty easy going and I can push him around, but when it comes to other dogs? He does what he wants.

I love him and I hate him. I hate this so much. Why does it always have to be a trial for me to just go somewhere?

My dog does have extra medication for when I do have to leave him alone. But like I said, I'm not the one who medicates him. I'm not good at forcing him to swallow his pills. That medication helps tho. It's like the meds you get when you're overly anxious at a dr's office and they give you something to calm you down. So it's not like he's in a drugged stupor.

Family doesn't like giving him that tho. It's already a pain to them to give him his daily medication. More on top of that is irritating for them. They don't want to constantly "drug him up". When I do have to leave him alone and request he get that extra medication before the family leaves to work, I get big sighs, shoulders dropping, rolling eyes...everything that says "omg really!? I don't wanna"

I work on the weekends, so most places are closed when the family is home. Or they get home on the weekday from work and don't want to go anywhere. And for some reason, I get the third degree if I try to leave.

I'm an adult but treated like a teenager. Where are you going, why are you going there, that's stupid, don't do that, it's busy over there, etc.

So when family is home? I still don't get to leave. Most places are closing or closed and omg, if I'm out past dark- well. That doesn't happen.

Because I'm a girl, and all.

I'm an adult and I have to justify everything I do, just like a teenager.

While that's a separate issue from my dog, he just compounds it all. He ensures that I can't do anything for me, for fun. Not outside anyways. And I know it's my fault for feeling so guilty about leaving him alone. I wish I could just wish not think about that and go somewhere while the rest of family is at work all day. Just because I want to.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm lonely. I feel trapped.

I love my dog, but I wish we never adopted him.

Does that make me a terrible person?

#god I'm beginning to cry as I finish this #I'm just so frustrated #i wanna do stuff too #long post sorry #just need to vent to someone. Anyone.#I'm on phone so no read more cut #sorry #I know I'm just whining

7 notes · View notes

noroi1000 · 2 years

Note

May I request for a match up with jjk men

I go by wolf I'm a female , straight,4'9, my body type is a hourglass figure. I have brown eyes and brown hair that is super curly and wavy thanks to my native Indian & Spanish hertiage it tends to turn a little red in the summer when I'm in the sun I have freckles. That are sometimes an insecurity. I have adhd and suffer from anxiety and depression. I am also legal deaf. I have been in out of doctors my all life due to me being born prematurely with very little chance of survival. So I have had surgeries so I have scars I have one that is from when I was born it's on my stomach my medical conditions and issues have never been anything I have felt ashamed of. (Which all of these things caused me to be bullied and left out in activites I remember crying thinking it isn't fair it's not fair I just want to play and have a friend). Moving on

Personality type: "The Advocate" INFJ-T

My hobbies include playing with my 3 rescues dogs, cooking,baking, trying new restaurants, reading, writing, sleeping, shopping,and crafting

I like watching shows such as anime, criminal minds, NCIS, law & order special victims unit, any criminal documentary, friends.learning about my heritage.

I dislike bullies Lairs vegetables politics narrcisst,People who abused the young and elderly,School, fake people,drama,

I can be a lot to handle at times especially with my anxiety and depression. And I get frustrated very easily. I'm not the best at communicating and often keep things to myself. I hate asking for help. I refuse to cry in front of others unless I feel comfortable enough around you. I tend to overthink the tiniest things. I push myself to my limit often times passed my limit. I read people pretty well, always willing to give a helping hand even if I myself am having a hard time but will not dare ask for help. I'm a lone wolf. A lot of folks say I'm hard to approach because of my resting bitch face lol it's just my face. I'm honest and that's why many people don't want me around I hate drama. From a young age I have always been able to read between the lines and find a deeper meaning, think outside the box, immediately sensing someone's emotions especially snice I'm an empath. I've been told it's a gift it is in a way but some days it feels like cruse. I enjoy learning about different cultures, myths, legends. Along with enjoying the simpler things in life.

Random facts

My aesthetic (s) : Dark Academia. Country.

Favorite Animal: Wolf

Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

Favorite Food: Depends on what I'm in the mood for

Favorite Quote : To many to list

Favorite Time Of Day: Night

Music I listen to:

Genres: Folk,Country,Rap, Pop, Rock & Roll

I think your Jujutsu kaisen matchup is

Yuta Okkotsu

Yuta is a person who… He wasn't liked very much by people. Actually, he wasn't liked at all. People had rejected him themselves, regardless of his feelings.

He never wanted to be spurned, and he wanted friends. However, he could not have had them for a long time. Even if he wanted to have someone to talk to and also meet, he couldn't. He was harassed. Like everyone at school, he had people who bullied him. There are mean people everywhere who hate the weaker and laugh at them. He hated people like that, and he still hates them. Therefore, he was afraid of the world, and actually did not want to go anywhere. He had a really bad life.

While his world changed a little, he too changed.

He was not afraid to live and also smiled when he made friends.

However, he had some behavior left.

He got nervous quickly, and especially when someone was hurting his relatives, he was still hesitant to people and did not talk to strangers often, and when he tried, then he suddenly stopped, not knowing if he could continue talking. When something bothers him, he hides it even under a smile. He will not pass on bad things to someone else.

He tries to help everyone he can, but he will not ask for help in his problems. He will not burden someone with his own affairs, but in the meantime he burdens himself, and prefers to take care of it himself. But his every friend, or just a person he knows, can ask for help and he will definitely get it. He is just a nice person who cannot refuse to help. He liked it already. He also enjoys seeing a smile and listening to someone thanking him. Then he felt needed, as if he was really important to them.

important And he can also finally say that he has friends. And even someone closer than a friend.

He would never show his weaknesses. He will really cry for various reasons or because he is struggling, but when someone calls him to come, no matter what, he does everything quickly not to look like he is crying and sad and comes out with renewed energy. In everyone, he only cries in situations where he cannot stop it. Then he would hide his tears anyway.

He, too, would like to be comforted. When he comforts someone, he does it in such a way as to cheer him up as quickly as possible. When he cries, he just wants to hide. Whether alone or in the arms of a very trusted person. Just to think about it all.

He tries to express his feelings honestly, but doesn't want to be mean to anyone.

He is always feeling someone else's emotions. He thinks about it, and may even figure out what happened to make someone sad. He analyzes the time that the person spends to find out everything. Then he will try to change the mood to comfort as only that person could want.

Headcanon:

• He is an honest person who also hates false people. He often feels obligated to put you in a good mood. He would never put himself above you, and he will take care of everything.

• You don't have to tell him you want help. He knows when to help you. But when you don't want it at all, you can tell him directly that you don't need his help. Then he can only smile sadly and say that he would like to help you. Not everyone may want this from him, but he would like to give you a break. After all, he can do what you want to do for you. But he doesn't want to talk you into something you don't want.

• He will help you learn more about whatever you want.

• I think your time to spend it together would be something like movie nights. He'll watch every genre, but don't make it watch horror movies. Anything but that.

He could lie in bed with you and gently hug you or roll his fingers over your skin. Watch the movie with a smile and think only about what is happening in your surroundings at the moment.

• He doesn't see any problem with your style, but sometimes he gets scared by too much darkness.

• Since you both like dogs / wolves, and also know Megumi, what's wrong with going out for walks with his dogs? It is quite a nice activity and also quiet. Plus, these creatures are so cute.

• You can define his smile as the sun, but the moon itself is, in every sense.

• It is normal to think about sleeping and all the activities you can do together. He loves you by your side, so why can't he stop what you like to do with him? He himself will be happy to try to cook something. Even if he can burn it by accident. He would like you to be his good teacher.

• What he wants most is your depression. This is definitely not nice. He knows this feeling, and will try his best to add more and more happiness and love to your life.

You gave it to him, so he will give it to you.

The names he calls you: "My life" , "My happiness"

• He doesn't care as long as he's with you. No rules. Just to make you happy.

"(y/n)-chan, how are you? You're fine, right? Please be okay. Always. At any moment. I want you to smile at me. You are My happiness. My life. Be happy always, okay?"

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen matchups #anime matchup #jjk headcanons #yuta okkotsu #okkotsu yuta

3 notes · View notes

findinginga · 3 months

Text

The Perils of Ignoring Your Inner Voice...

...or, I should have known better

When last I wrote I had just begun to relate some of the events regarding my initial interactions with Inga. At least, in my mind, I had come to regard the growing number of daily contacts as a positive. It had the feeling of a blossoming friendship and I will admit that I was hoping for more. Quite naturally I wanted to know more about Inga and her life, her family, her likes and dislikes. Just as with any burgeoning relationship there was a desire to identify common interests and uncover potential differences. However, Inga would prove to be a challenge to really know. I suppose a succinct description would be that she never desired more than to be superficial. Indeed, she expressed her loathing for self-reflection and recounting past experiences. As a result, she presented herself as a collage of carefully curated snippets.

For any reader who has ever experienced the adult dating world, there is a recognition that some meetings will never evolve past the introductory stage. A drink or two or maybe a lunch or dinner and one can develop a sense as to whether the necessary chemistry is there to warrant more exploration. That elusive alchemy which, serves as a catalyst for instant attraction and passion, is rare. Instead, relationships are typically built upon the layering of shared interactions. As trust in one another grows it is then possible to be more open and vulnerable. While we recognize that there is always risk, we overcome our fears to allow a friend or a lover to know and understand us. It is here where the first paradox was presented. The substantive relationship desired by Inga was at odds with the figurative suit of armor she was quick to don. It became clear that no amount of reassurance would allow her to reveal more than she determined to be safe. To be clear, she fought for and expected control. In retrospect, the words she used in her online profile were more formed a statement of expectations. She desired to be accepted as she was which really meant, that she was not open to much compromise.

I previously described myself as an empath and, whether this is a valid description of myself, could be debated. One can find all sorts of on-line articles and videos which will provide the 5 essential, 10 must have or 20 absolute traits of an empath. Suffice it to say, I feel things deeply and these feelings are not limited to myself but my mood and energy can be influenced by the energy of others. As a result of this, I am quick to take on the burdens of others, sometimes to my own detriment. Moreover, I can often sense when people are withholding the full story. Perhaps this is reflective of my many years as a health care provider and listening to countless histories. I have heard my fair share of improbable explanations for how an injury occurred. Tales from the emergency department can provide quite the education.

Whether through acquired knowledge or some empathic connection, there always seemed to be something missing with Inga. It was my feeling from nearly the outset that she was holding something back. My probing would elicit a change in discussion topic or, at times, a more vigorous denial. The rationale used for defending her silence would change over time but it was clear to me that she would be slow to relent, if at all or ever.

Now this is just weird

Despite my ongoing frustration and emerging cognitive dissonance, I continued to email Inga many times during the course of a day. I was also eager to send along what gifts and assorted niceties that could be assembled in a package mailed from almost five thousand miles. Inga had provided her mailing address which she described as a flat too small for her, her daughter, a cat and a dog. She talked about her desire to eventually move to a flat that she was purchasing with the help of her brother.

After the second package had been posted and was enroute to her address, Inga announced that she was giving serious consideration to changing her surname. She claimed that she did not like her father's family name and, instead, she wanted to take on the maiden name of her mother. Inga cited the more Russian sounding name of her mother's family to be her primary motivation. She went on to talk about how this would necessitate a new passport. I learned then that Russians have both a domestic and an international passport and Inga would need to change both. Initially I considered her plan to be reasonable given the history she related of her father and the bad feelings he left with her and her siblings. However, the more I considered it, the stranger it seemed with my empathic sense screaming to me that she was holding back information.

As things evolved, I did not realize how spot on that intuition really was.

#international relations #relationship #dating scam #passportbro #pskov #Ingaborgia #narcissistic sociopath #empathy

1 note · View note

what-about-the-stray-cats · 4 months

Text

Morality and Immorality: The story of a black dragon

Akutagawa Ryunosuke is no doubt my favorite character from the series and I cannot help but sympathize with him. Hell, I even see a bit of myself in him. His backstory is one of the most interesting to me. I’ll be following the same naming logic as I did with Atsushi. The character I will refer to as Ryunosuke, and the real life author I will refer to as Akutagawa.

Akutagawa is often referred to as the father of short stories. Ryunosuke is based on two of his most famous works; 羅生門/Rashomon and 蜘蛛の糸/The Spider’s Thread, both of which tackle morality as a topic. In Rashomon, an ex-servant of a samurai is left with 2 choices: either starve to death or steal (note that this is directly parallel to Atsushi, who in the BSD-storyline starts off with the same dilemma!). Arriving in front of the Rajomon gate, he decides to climb up the staircase. At the top of the stairs he sees an old woman. Upon taking a closer look, he notices that the woman is carefully plucking the hair strands of a female corpse. The protagonist, absolutely repulsed by this action, shouts at the old woman. He tells her that she is committing “an unpardonable crime”, forgetting the fact that just a moment ago he himself was contemplating thievery. The old hag justifies her actions by explaining how the dead woman used to scam people; she sold snake meat and passed it off as dried fish to unsuspecting soldiers. Anyhow, the elder empathizes with this deception, for it was done out of necessity. After all, does simply wanting to live not justify the wrongdoings? While listening to this, the servant finds the solution to his problem that he was facing earlier. He concludes that it is alright for him to steal if it is necessary for his survival. If the old woman can, why can’t he? He applies the same logic the hag uses to his situation and the story ends with him stealing her kimono. The old woman is left all alone, staring into the abyss, signifying that one cannot find fulfillment in life by stealing. It is only a downward spiral.

Ryunosuke follows the same logic as the servant and the old woman. As a member of the Port Mafia, and the designated “mad dog” of the organization, his job is to kill all who get in the way of the mafia. Still, he doesn’t kill because he enjoys the act. Neither does he laugh maniacally while doing it, unlike some of his colleagues (mainly Motojiro Kajii). Of course, this is all due to his upbringing in the slums and the teachings of Osamu, the latter of which manipulated him and warped his worldviews completely. Growing up in the slums, a very hostile environment where survival solely depends on your luck, it was made clear to him that human life was not valued. He sees no value in life, because life itself sees no value in him. Throughout his childhood he has been treated as disposable, worthless, of no use. Osamu, after taking Ryunosuke under his wing, did nothing to change this view on life (mostly due to the fact that he shared the same opinion as his subordinate). Essentially, he views all life as equally worthless and that is why he can kill. What is the difference between the life of a child in the slums and that of a child in the city? Why can one die, but the other one cannot? Why does society care more for the child born in the city?

Murder is Ryunosuke’s paradoxal attempt at giving life, his life, meaning. He’s trying to prove that his life doesn’t only consist of misery and pain. In Ryunosuke’s world, everyone is struggling to get by so people take what they can from others, which is the main theme of Rashomon. He follows this mindset by killing and becoming the strongest. This is frowned upon by the story which is made clear by the last line wherein the woman stares in the darkness. We could draw parallels to Fyodor Dostoevsky’s “Crime and Punishment”, where Raskolnikov, a law student, commits a murder and looks for a way to justify what he has done. He uses the same logic as the ex-servant: “I can kill this fraudulent pawnbroker cause I need the money and she is a bad person.”

The second work which Ryunosuke seems to be based off of, is The Spider’s Thread. The protagonist, Kandata, has led a life full of crime and ends up in hell because of this. Despite that, in his life he did one, albeit small, good deed; he had spared the life of a single spider. This results in the Buddha sending a thin spider thread to hell, one which he can use to climb out of there. Kandata immediately rejoices and starts climbing the thread. But as he climbs, he notices others are trying to climb after him. Scared that the fragile thread will snap under the combined weight of everyone, he starts shaking the rope. Ultimately, the spider’s thread breaks because of his efforts to throw everyone off. What actually kept Kandata from reaching salvation was his lack of empathy for the suffering of others. This also is the case for Ryunosuke who does not seem to notice other people’s misery, notably Atsushi’s. He just does not get why Atsushi is the one chosen by Osamu, and by extension the one that got ‘salvation’. It is incomprehensible to him how others can receive help and get saved, everyone but him. It is exactly this selfishness that makes redemption impossible for him. In order for Ryunosuke to get what he so desperately longs for, he must first learn to see and empathize with the suffering of others.

In my opinion, there is a third book that fits Ryunosuke’s character. It is “La Divina Commedia” by Dante Alighieri. The story is an allegory for a sinner who has recognized his wrongdoings and is repenting. In the end, the sinner finds redemption and reaches heaven. Now, if we compare this to Ryunosuke’s character development we see a lot of similarities. He starts off as a crazed killer, taking the lives of others to give value to his own. But as Atsushi confronts him and his ideals more and more, he starts refraining from killing. He doesn’t unnecessarily kill anymore because instead of looking for answers through murder, he now is looking for them in Atsushi. At one point he even promises to Atsushi to not kill anyone for 6 months, a promise he keeps. In chapter 87 of the manga, he even sacrifices his *own life* to save his enemy, his rival; Atsushi. This is a major development, because as I have made clear, Ryunosuke is selfish. He does not see the pain of others. But just this once, he did, he saw Atsushi and he selflessly saved him. Personally, I would love it if Ryu followed the same premise as The Divine Comedy.

The similarities do not end there! Ryunosuke’s Ability, Rashomon, makes him able to control and manipulate the cloth of his jacket. Rashomon is black and has a red glow to it; two colors that are important in the writings of Akutagawa. You see, Akutagawa suffered from many illnesses which made him very sensitive when it came to colors. Black, in particular, he associated with the sinners’ souls of Dante’s hell, while red he linked with blood and death. I’d like to think that this pairs up with the idea that Ryunosuke did not fall into hell, he was born there. This is one thing that separates him from the protagonists of the three aforementioned books.

1 note · View note

purplesurveys · 6 months

Text

1763

Let's take a survey I first took exactly six years ago and compare my answers then to now because that will totally not make me squirm!

What would you do if you found out you were pregnant right now? 2017: Mostly be confused as I’ve never had sex with a guy, let alone be alone with one…and just hope my parents take my side. As for the baby, I want to think I’d fight for my right to keep it, but I never know how I’ll respond to something until it actually happens to me.

2023: Yeah, I see nothing much has changed. I think I'll spend most of the time fighting for the fact that I am not in fact pregnant.

What would you do if your cell phone was stolen? 2017: I think my anxiety would eventually lead me to cry. Everything important and every memory is in there, so it’s pretty much losing like a year of my life.

2023: I'd definitely be panicking but I'd fight the urge to cry so I can act smartly and ask every nearby establishment for help and review their CCTVs. Can't afford to lose my phone considering so many tidbits from both my personal and work lives are on there.

What would you do if your best friend told you they were gay? 2017: This has happened to me and when it did, I remember giving her a blank look and saying, “Okay.”

2023: I would thank them both for trusting me enough to tell me, but I imagine I'd be very inquisitive with Angela. Asking her how'd she find out, how she's feeling, how she plans to move forward with her current relationship and all.

What would you do if I told you God isn’t real? 2017: Shrug, I guess? I knew that already.

2023: I wouldn't do anything different from what my 19 year old self said.

What would you do if your religion was made illegal? 2017: I don’t belong to one.

2023: I still identify as atheist.

What would you do if your pet got hit by a car? 2017: Go after the perpetrator. I would be so, so furious.

2023: Yeah no I wouldn't let that motherfucker go. I don't need their money so I wouldn't even bother about that, but I wouldn't be hesitating to give them hell regardless of the outcome for my dog.

What would you do if the world ran out of chicken fingers? 2017: Fortunately I don’t often eat those so it won’t be much of a loss to me.

2023: I feel like this would be very concerning considering this implies a bigger shortage issue for chicken altogether. Chicken fingers themselves I wouldn't be too bothered by, but I'd be worried about the larger domino effects of, like, the whole world running out of chicken. Is this mindset what it's like to become older? Hahahah.

What would you do if you lost your job? 2017: Be sullen. Maybe tell Gab at once.

2023: A very small part of me would be at least a little relieved because hey, I'd take any door to step out of my current workplace lol. But it definitely wouldn't be without me fighting for certain rights and benefits, like severance pay and support while I look for a new job.

What would you do if your best friend got an abortion? 2017: Understand. Be there.

2023: Still the same things.

What would you do if your father left your mother? 2017: Difficult question to answer. I don’t have much of a relationship with either, so it’s hard to picture myself empathizing with them. I think I am more likely to reach out to my friends for support than communicate with my parents ever.

2023: Oof, how times have changed. I would be very pissed with my dad because that's totally blindsiding the rest of us. I'd demand why he's suddenly made such a decision, but as the eldest daughter I think I'd also simultaneously racking my brain for ways to see how I could help keep the family together.

I'm not affectionately close with my mom so I don't think I'd have the capacity to be...around her if she cries or whatnot, but I would be silently watching over her and being on her side.

What would you do if your little sister was bulimic? 2017: I would feel bad. But I know she’s also much closer to her friends, so I’ll let her be; although I would keep an eye on her in secret.

2023: Be on standby in case she needed any kind of support from me, financial or otherwise.

What would you do if you only had a month to live? 2017: First of all I’d be happy lol. Then I would spend every day with Gabie, and majority with Angela.

2023: Resign with immediate effect and spend my remaining days traveling to wherever and trying the things I've always wanted to do.

What would you do if you were failing math class? 2017: This has happened to me several times, not an unfamiliar concept. I remember not really caring…it was high school and nothing you do in high school will matter one bit as soon as you step out of it. I did cry about in junior year though, when I failed geometry; but that was the one time it got to me.

2023: Yeah, math and I had an extreme love-hate relationship in high school but the overarching thing about it is that I just didn't care at the end of the day. I was headed to journalism school and in my head it was just like, "What are they gonna do about my failed tests? Prevent me from marching on my graduation?" lol.

What would you do if aliens attacked? 2017: Approach them.

2023: LOL, so bold. I'd probably find a place to hide but also accept my fate.

What would you do if your favorite show was cancelled? 2017: I don’t have a favorite ongoing show, and my all-time favorite ended in 2013.

2023: Possibility of cancelation is exactly one of the reasons why I avoid starting a show while it is still ongoing, haha. I'd rather jump on a series knowing it has an actual finale because I can't deal with cliffhangers.

What would you do if you found out your parents were having another child? 2017: I think I’d be pretty excited. No but I’ll be super honest, I’ll be such a mom to them HAHAHAHA. I looooove kids.

2023: Be in shock considering my mom has had her whole uterus removed.

What would you do if your phone and internet were disconnected? 2017: Not uncommon in the Philippines, a country with one of the worst internet connections. I’d be moping around the house, and I’d be more likely to hang at a cafe since that’s where all the wi-fi’s at.

2023: Yikes. Even my phone? Idk dude. I'd probably turn on the TV cos there would 100% be a bigger service provider issue at play.

What would you do if your house burned down? 2017: Ugh I hate this question. I obviously won’t be happy, and I think my mom’s choice would be to move back temporarily to our old house with my cousins and grandmother.

2023: Grab the dogs and think of step two. In such a situation I can't afford to be just another crying/stressed face in the family.

What would you do if you got lost while on vacation in a foreign country? 2017: THRILLED AS FUCK–as long as I’m with Gab. Getting lost is always an adventure for us, and in this case we’ll depend on the kindness of strangers. It’s a completely different story if I’m alone and ended up lost.

2023: Rely on data to help bring me back to familiar territory. If even data is spotty, I won't really have a choice but to just depend on the kindness of strangers like what I said, but I'll also have to rely on my gut as well to determine something like that.

What would you do if you got drafted into the army? 2017: That doesn’t happen here. Army’s an option, and it’s your choice if you want to attend military school in college.

2023: Go to my lawyer aunt and see if there is anything I can do to reverse the decision.

What would you do if your favorite band broke up? 2017: Oh come the fuck on. Paramore has been giving me the will to live since god knows when, don’t do that to me.

2023: If either BTS or Paramore broke up, I would obviously be gutted but I think at this point I would also be extremely happy for them. It wouldn't have been an easy decision to make, and so if they ever get to that point it's likely because they're already content – and that's difficult to get upset by.

What would you do if your parents had set up an arranged marriage for you? 2017: Not agree to it. It’s not their life?

2023: Laugh and decline. If they're being adamant about it I imagine I would set out on my own to escape.

What would you do if you lost all your fingers? 2017: I’d be bummed, but make the most out of my hands.

2023: Realistically, I could end up depressed and I'd take a while to learn how to cope with the situation.

What would you do if you found out you were adopted?I 2017: I guess I’d be relieved that I don’t have the same blood as my sucky family, but also confused at why they would want it to keep it from me for so long.

2023: I'm really grateful things have evolved for the better between me and my family; it pains me a little bit to read through what I initially said. Anyway, I'd think I was getting pranked or scammed or whatever. There's no way that'd be right as I look exactly like my mom lol. What would you do if your parents adopted a child? 2017: I would be happy with the new addition. It’s gonna be quite an adjustment, but I’ve always loved kids anyway.

2023: I'd ask them what led them to such a decision, and embrace the new addition/dynamic. I'd probably end up a second mom to the child because I am pretty protective when it comes to kids.

What would you do if there was a hobo following you down an empty street? 2017: Walk faster until I get somewhere more crowded. Or idk, text my girlfriend and try to look busy.

2023: Walk, walk, and walk fast until I see an indoor establishment, and enter that immediately.

What would you do if a cashier gave you too much change? 2017: Duh. Return it.

2023: I would still return it.

What would you do if everyone was looting stores during a blackout? 2017: That doesn’t happen here so I wouldn’t know how to react.

2023: Stay away from the chaos.

What would you do if your mp3/ipod broke and you couldn’t afford a new one? 2017: Those days are over my friend.

2023: Using my phone as an example, if it broke down I'd just temporarily use my laptop as a main channel of communication while I save up the money to have my phone fixed.

What would you do if you woke up in a stranger’s bed? 2017: I would be terrified and look for my phone immediately, so I can ask Gab for help.

2023: ^ Why were you so stupid? LOL. I'd get out of there as quietly as possible and run.

What would you do if your significant other was dying of cancer? 2017: I’d be a wreck, but I wouldn’t show it to her. I’ll be with her everyday, maybe before and after school. I’ll be with her family. I’d take her on dates in places we’ve never been to and if there are things on her bucket list that we can achieve together or that she can do on her own, we can do that as well. I’ll make her eat corn, mushroom, beans, and all the other food she hates because she would never be able to try them again. Basically accompany her as she lives her life to the fullest in that time span.

2023: ...Ok, Nicholas Sparks. But NGL all that crap sounded cute anyway so I'll keep that answer up .

What would you do if you saw a co-worker stealing from the boss? 2017: I guess if it were a first time thing I’d let it slide, especially admittedly if the coworker were a friend. Second time and beyond, I’d tell on them.

2023: Ugh, workspace drama. Honestly, I wouldn't do anything after the fact because no matter what I do someone is going to be pissed. I imagine the most I would do is to tell that co-worker to stop doing something so stupid even before they start doing the stealing deed, but if they still do otherwise then I'm noping out of that situation.

What would you do if I sang out of tune? 2017: Be glad you’re doing your best.

2023: Same! We can even sing out of tune together.

What would you do if your plane crashed in the jungle? 2017: Hope I didn’t make it?

2023: ^ I probably wouldn't, anyway. I just hope that if it had to end, it would end instantly and with little to no pain/discomfort.

What would you do if you got stuck in an elevator with your crush? 2017: Hold her hand and stand in silence since I’m already with my crush.

2023: If I was in an elevator with a celebrity crush I'd ignore them and hope they can get the fuck out of there as soon as possible cos I wouldn't be able to handle it LOL.

0 notes

f-ssk · 9 months

Text

You know, I've been thinking about some things recently. I've been reading fanfiction for several years and most of the time it's fluff. Sometimes angst. And quite often, the authors create an obstacle in the romantic relationship between the two main characters. Usually this is a girl / guy who is in love with one of the main characters or has some kind of feelings, but the feelings are obviously not mutual. Either this is a toxic asshole, less often it is an ordinary character who at the end admits that this is not mutual and if he is lucky, he also finds his soul mate.

But this is a rare case. And to be honest, it's a trigger for me. I was in a situation where love is not mutual. I was rejected. It happens. That's life. Dating someone out of pity is stupid, but if it's about love, not just crush, it's also absolutely not a situation where you say: “Well, it didn't work out and it's okay, everything is fine”. Because it’s not.

Speaking of fanfiction and "interference on the path of true love" characters, then I was in the place of a similar "interference" between true love. I fell in love with a guy who was in love with another girl and chose her. I wasn't a toxic asshole and I didn't hurt my rival in love. It just so happened that he loved her, not me. Maybe she even saw me as a some bitch who trying get her man for money, power or something (which is not truth), i don’t know it.

So sometimes I empathize with these side characters more than the main characters and sometimes I associate myself more with them. I was in their place. Therefore, sometimes fics with love triangle is a trigger for me. When the main character rejects a girl harshly because he is in love with a y/n/reader/main character i increasingly think: “He and (name) will live happily and have fun after that, while the other person must deal with all this pain like I once did”. And i get flashbacks.

I understand how much it hurts. Just imagine that you are a stray cat who lived quietly, loxal children played with you and you basked in the sun and then a person who is a dog hunter gives you food with poison. After a while, you feel pain in your stomach, you do not understand what is happening. You are scared and hurt. You don't know where to hide from this pain. I experienced the same thing, but in my soul and heart after a hard rejection. This is really something like death, only it is not a poor animal that dies, but a part of your soul. You can't trust anyone anymore as before. You understand that you are responsible for yourself, not the other person and only you can help yourself, but you don't have the strength to do it. Relatives and friends are not always there at such moments, you know.

Of course i understand that it's impossible to make someone fall in love, it's wrong. Dating out of pity is stupid. But none of this makes the pain of rejection less and helps you get through it. If in fanfiction the protagonist says "I'm sorry" to a side character after a rejection, most often it sounds insincere. Man, you're literally going to be kissing your girlfriend in five minutes, what kind of apology are you talking about? Most often it is just “I am sorry I can’t” and such a contrast only makes everything worse. And i think: “You're just apologizing because you don't want to be an asshole, not because you really care about the other person, dude”.

And who knows what is worse: not to apologize at all or to apologize as if you are doing a favor? Of course, this is not a reason to harm someone, this is obvious. If you freak out or harm your love or his girlfriend, you will only disgrace yourself. Accepting a refusal is the only adequate option in this case, but it does not make the situation any better anyway. You still hurt, you still feel scared, you still find it hard to trust other people, and you still don’t have the strength to help yourself. There are no guarantees that someone will ask: «How are you? Do you need help? How can i help you?”. Even if you assume that you will receive therapy and fix this trauma, you will still be afraid deep down that it will happen again in a new relationship. I am 28 y.o. and 10 years after being rejected, I'm still single and I didn't have a relationship with anyone. I still have trust issues and I'm still scared to tell people how I feel. Even now it seems to me that I can bring discomfort to someone.

So while trying to get away from triggers, I try to avoid fanfiction with love triangles. Because it's going to be toxic for someone anyway, and I know I'll get another flashback. Those heavy emotions that I described above are my personal experience, for whom it may be different. I'm not a fanfiction writer and I'm not trying to dictate what to write. It's just that if someone reads this, maybe it will prompt the authors or other peoples to some thoughts. It just my thoughts and feelings i decided to share.

And in conclusion, I want to introduce you to my favorite author @m-jelly. She is amazing person and (i hope) my friend. Her fics are amazingly good and wonderful ❤️❤️❤️ When i read her fics i feel happy and relaxed.

#aot fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fanfics #anime #fixs #fics #my thoughts #relationship #love #love triangle #rejection #psychology #ao3 stuff #ao3 fanfic #ao3fic #artists on tumblr #tumblr #writers on tumblr

0 notes

jude-thedude98 · 11 months

Text

To My Future Husbands:

I am broken

I am brokenhearted

I am beaten

I have trust issues

I've been abandoned

I'm crying right now

I have crying spells

I empathize for the world

I have a big heart

I've been used

I've been taken advantage of

I've been mentally abused

I've been emotionally abused

I've been physically abused

I've been raped

I've been molested

I've been shunned in church

I've been spiritually abused

I've been financially abused

I've been let down

I've been misused

I've been misunderstood

There are often times I think about death

I've been mistreated

I feel like the current people who I live with are just using me for money

I may be homeless with my dog soon

I physically disabled incapable of bending and straightening my arms

I have crippling anxiety

I suffer from severe depression

I am bipolar so I deal with mood swings and manic energy

I also have hypotension which I feel drives my depression and anemia

I have anemia so I deal with severe fatigue

I have severe fatigue

I have unfathomable and unexplainable tension and pain all throughout my body due to juvenile to rheumatoid to osteoarthritis

I believe I'm wcizophrenic

I also believe I have Adult ADHD

I have focusing problems

Severely

I listen to sad music

I listen to love mueic

I have a hard time getting over stuff that hurts me

Yesterday is a painful word and song (ask why)

I drown myself in work so I can forget about life

I'm a writer

I'm an author

I'm a poet

I fear fear itself

I fear I will lose everyone in life

Once again pointing to abandonment issues

I have a fear of being fit into a box

Claustrophobia maybe

I've recently grown a fear of flying on a plane or maybe

Flying and being in the window seat

I'm painfully annoying

I call a lot

I'm clingy

I'm needy

I love hard

Often times too hard

My cousin told me that my fatal flaw is caring too much

She I call my twin cousin because we were born exactly a month apart

I don't talk to my family

I talk to my dog

Her name is Cocoa

And yes

She's a sweet as Hot Cocoa

Or Hot Chocolate

Whatever you wanna call it

I am non confrontational

I want everybody to win

I've been broken by many guys and a girl

I've been going through an identity crisis lately

I'm gay

I want a polycule relationship with multiple twink guys (ask me about it)

I try not to forget peoples birthdays or important things in their life

I am legally blind

Yes

A disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa

I'm scared of my own vouce

I'm scared of my own power

I'm scared of my own pain

I'm scared of all my ailments

I'm scared that they will cripple me more than they have

My voice has been called annoying

I took that to heart

So I've been dealing with finding my voic3

I want to be the focal point in our polycule relationship

For all the above reasons

I am driven

I am goal oriented

I am a dreamer

I am a lover

I believe in a better world

The person who raped me I loved

I've given myself sexually to too many men who did not want my heart only a hole to use

I am peaceful

I am profound

I am strong

Mentally

Emptionally

I am loyal

I am faithful

I believe in love

I believe in you

I believe if you made it this far then

YOU ROCK!

I thank you for that!

I want to crawl into a shell and either

Die

Hide

Run away

Disappear

Everyone who I've fallen in love with previously

It pains me to admit

But

I still love them

But I know that I deserve love

So if you are one of those people who may fit the

Masculine

Twink

Fair skinned

Loyal

Respectful

Cute beyond all reqson

Younger than 34

Sensual

Empathetic

Sympathetic

Goal driven

Career oriented

Dreamer

Lover

Romantic

Spontaneous

Stable

Gorgeous

Conversationalist

Not all about sex

Identity confident

Gay

Beautiful

Trustworthy

Family oriented

Wants a family

Animal oriented

Wants animals

Silly

Humorous

Serious at the right times

Able to distract me positively

Positive

It'd be great if one of the seven of us has a car lol

It'd also be great if we can live together haha lol

No but for real

No debt

Smart

Intelligent (doesn't necessarily mean know big words and be book smart)

NO KNOW IT ALLS

No argumentatives

Tall

Preferably black, blonde, or brown hair

Preferably straight, wavy, or curly

Again wants kids

Slim to thin

Thin to fit

Fit to athletic

Athletic to toned

No body builders

No old heads

No young'ns

18 to 33 ONLY

Six fair skinned twinks

USA

Canada

Latino

Wants an interracial family

Doesn't mind sharing

Someone who is caring

Genuine

Unconditional love

Not going to throw anything back in mine or any of our spouses faces

Doesn't look at me or us as an inconvenience

Believes me

Believes in me

Believes in yourself

Believes in us as a whole

Spiritual not religious

BIG DIFFERENCE

Nonpolitcal

Forgiving

Says I apologize

Instead of I'm sorry

Sends little love notes or texts or calls to remind each other of our unapologetic love

Athlete

Baseball player

Basketball player

Skateboarder

Swimmer

Diver

Gardener

Country boys

City boys

Self confident

Self loving

Loving

Self caring

Hygienic

Clean

Keeps a clean houee

Keeps a clean body

Shaven

Not too tall

Cut off at about 6'3"

MUST BE SLIM

Healthy eater

Not asking for all salad eaters

But

High blood pressure is in my family

Grandpa had a heart attack

No smokers

Social drinkers

No getting shit faced

I do like to have a good time

But

There's a big difference

Yet again

No recreational drugs

Believes in theirs, mine, our spouses, our kids, and others dreams

Doesn't talk shit about people

Wants to heal the world

If you made it to the end

And you fit the description of guy I am looking for

And you have read

And

Are acceptant NOT TOLERANT

Of my Rap Sheet

Then message me

Must be committed as well

Acceptant

Not tolerant

I cannot express loving and trustworthy enough

I want a polycule relationship

If you don't know what that is

Look it up

And then

Get back to me

Basically

I want multiple people in one and as one relationship

Where we share each other's love

Respect

Goals

Dreams

Aspirations

Oh! Must be motivational and inspirational

Also shares a house

Sex is with any partner of the entire family that you so choose

It could be one

None

Two

All

Whatever variation that you want

But

Sex IS NOT and WILL NOT BE the frontrunner of our spousal relationship

Sex is great

So is conversation

So is sharing stories

Sharing experiences

And making memories

New memories

Positive times and vibes

ONLY!

If you are a shark trying to take advantage of me or anybody else then

KEEP SCROLLING PADT MY NAME & THIS BLOG!

We ARE NOT FOR YOU!

Wanna know more yet?

Well, go ahead and message me if you fit the bill

And remember I said I have trust issues so it's gonna take a lot before we can meet or especially have sex

There is no rush if I am one of the ones for you then you can wait just like I have and can for you

Trust builds over time

Not in a night

I don't care if you cuss

Just no cussing at any one of your spouses

Them

Or the kids

Or the pet kids

I don't do that honey

Please God please

Know how to cook

That helps too

Cause we do have to eat

And eating out is great

But so is a home-cooked meal

I will have a home Healthcare aid to take care of me until we either

Get you to become an RN,, CNA, or i believe it's called a PCS

Someone who is qualified in taking care of me

And no I just don't want you to take care of me in one way

Not just for business purposes

But take care of me in personal purposes too

If you are a nurse

Then

You're already ahead of the game

Please have a job

And or a career

Dreams and aspirations of your own

Goal oriented I cannot stretch enough

Peaceful

Profound

Non argumentative

Supportive in all ways

Not looking for a sugar daddy

I don't need your money

I want a life in and of love.

1 note · View note

juniorgman187 · 3 years

Text

Never Enough (Spencer Reid Drabble)

Summary: Ever wondered what Garcia wrote on that sticky note in the series finale? Read here to find out. When Reader, the new technical analyst, feels out of place at a party, Penelope’s sticky note and Reid’s kind words do just the trick.

A/N: This is a comfort piece for me, someone very introverted who never seems to do well in social gatherings. So this is dedicated to anyone who’s ever felt like they didn’t belong. You are loved. Couple: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid Category: Fluff, Drabble Content Warning: Fear of exclusion, loneliness Word Count: 2.4k

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

All my life, all I’d ever wanted was to be a social butterfly. Their lives seemed so easy. People would naturally flock to them, what with their charisma, their confidence, their natural gift of being conversational.

I envied them for the sole reason that I was nothing like them, not in the slightest.

It wasn’t easy for me to keep a conversation going, even if I was trying my very hardest, which was often the case. I could never seem to commandeer the room in the way that someone extroverted could, and it was especially hard sometimes to feel a part of everyone.

It would be too easy to say I was invisible. Instead, I felt painfully visible, and entirely ignored.

Everyone could see my shyness peeking through, everyone could see how alienated I’d become, everyone could see my despondence, and yet no one bothered to change it.

No one cared.

My excruciating awkwardness had reached an all-time high at Krystall’s birthday party.

Agent Rossi was so keen on inviting me, and I was honored to go since it’d be my first bonding experience with the team outside of work. I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to grow closer to them, otherwise, I’d run the risk of isolating myself even more. As if being brought in as the BAU’s new technical analyst to replace Penelope Garcia wasn’t enough of a reason for them to doubt, despise, and disrespect me, I was the introvert who had a hard time making friends - unlike my predecessor, who’ve I heard could make friends like nobody’s business. I knew I could never fill her shoes, much less fill the glaring void she created when she left, but still, I maintained my bright-eyes in hopes that I’d be enough for them, anyway. I was all too eager to get to know everyone as more than just my coworkers, with one exception.

Dr. Reid maintained an arm’s length distance from me at all times, and at first, I understood. I even empathized with him.

Besides SSA Morgan and SSA Hotchner, the only other person that he’d work the longest with was Penelope, and now she was gone, too, but the longer his rejection of me lasted, the more I was curious what he truly had against me, and the more I was less interested in changing that. Why would I work tirelessly at mending this broken friendship, if he wasn’t willing to meet me halfway?

I was more shocked that he, of all people, would be the most displeased with my arrival. When Agent Rossi replaced Agent Gideon, from what I heard, the transition wasn’t as rocky as mine. Dr. Reid was overjoyed to be working with him and to discuss all his books. When Jordan Todd, and eventually Ashley Seaver, took Agent Jareau’s place momentarily, he was happy to be working with them. When Alex Blake and Kate Callahan came in after Emily Prentiss, he welcomed them with open arms. So what was it about me that was so abhorrent to him?

I never outright asked, mainly because I feared confrontation and I also had no way of knowing if my curiosity would make the situation worse or better. But I should’ve. I should’ve marched right up to him and asked, “What’s your problem?”

Somehow, though, I finally got up the courage to do so tonight.

I watched as the team laughed at one of Rossi’s anecdotes, meanwhile, the inside jokes flew over my head, hindering that bonding experience I was so sure I’d get by coming here. So I stepped inside the house, wandering into a spare room, knowing I wouldn’t be missed.

I thought I’d only be there for a moment to get some “fresh air” even though I’d actually migrated from the outside to the inside, where there’d arguably be less fresh air, but that’d be my excuse if anyone came in. But I was forced to stay longer in the office when it finally happened.

I finally reached my breaking point.

It was building up all night. It started when I first stepped into the house. My confidence faltered almost immediately when I accidentally stepped on Rossi’s Italian leather dress shoe as I went to greet him. He told me not to worry, but of course, I did just the opposite. It was a minor bump in the road, something so minute, but still, it weighed on me thinking about how embarrassing it was that I dirtied something of his that everyone recognized as valuable.

My shame didn’t stop there. As I was talking with Krystall, there were many periods of awkward silence that I couldn’t manage to fill with words, so we each sipped at our wine until one of us would try to pick up the conversation. What’s worse was that we each knew the silence was suffocating, and I could tell we were both thinking of things to say to keep the conversation going, and yet, nothing worth saying came to mind.

And worst of all was when Penelope Garcia finally arrived at the party. Don’t misunderstand me - it wasn’t the worst part of all because she was bad - no, she was lovely. She gave me a welcome present - a Beanie Baby to put on my desk, evocative of her own style of decor, and I loved her for it, which made me hate her all the more.

Rossi’s house livened up when she came. Everyone flocked to greet her, laughter erupted and ricocheted off Rossi’s high ceilings. They were positively elated by her presence, truly happy. Which was the first time I’d ever seen them that way because frankly, they were never that happy with me.

It was a painful reminder that I could never bring what she brought to the team, and I could never be as good as her. And the general consensus I reached, sitting in Rossi’s office all alone with my glass of wine, was the same one I’d known for years now - I’m not enough.

And I will never be enough.

I hadn’t realized I was crying until a tear cascaded down my cheek, dripping right under my nose, forcing me to audibly sniffle it away. Using the sleeve of my cardigan, I desperately tried to wipe away the tears faster than they were spilling out, but it just wasn’t possible. In fact, the coarse fabric of my cardigan rubbing against my cheeks only made them redder, making the fact that I was unwell that much more obvious.

The sound of the doorknob turning sent me into overdrive, automatically engaging me into turning around and facing the wall so that whoever was coming in wouldn’t find me in the state that I was in. I sniffled a great big sniffle and fanned my face to dry it of any moisture that my silent sobs could’ve left.

“Sorry, Rossi, I was just getting some fresh air and I thought I’d check out your book collectio-”

When I turned around, Rossi wasn’t standing there as I’d assumed.

In fact, the person standing there was the last person I thought it’d be.

“Dr. Reid?”

He was lingering in the doorway, studying my face, to which I instantly preventing from continuing on any further by cowering my head and looking away.

“What are you doing here?” My voice had taken a tone of anger that I didn’t anticipate to be there originally.

“Are you okay?”

To my surprise, his question seemed sincere, but I couldn’t truly believe it was.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just allergies from being outside for so long. The pollen and stuff, you know?” I rambled nervously.

“Oh, really? Are you allergic to the grass?” He asked in a joking manner, knowing I was lying but still asking so that he’d have the satisfaction of getting to see me try and work my way out of the situation.

“Yes, I am actually. The most common outdoor allergy triggers are trees, grass, weed pollen, mold spores, dust mites, cockroaches, and cat, dog, and rodent dander. Don’t you know this? After all, you’re the one with the IQ of 187 here, not me.” I tried to joke to lighten up the room’s heaviness, but clearly, it didn’t work.

By this time, I’d already turned back to face the wall, so Reid surely couldn’t see me, but I heard the door click shut behind me, and a wave of anxiety permeated my soul.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?”

I scoffed at his question, almost hitting him back with an “As if you care.” But I decided against it in an effort to preserve what little repose we had left between us.

“Will you please tell me what’s wrong?” He sounded like he was begging - like he was practically willing to go on his hands and knees to get me to answer, but all I could focus on was the feeling of his hot breath ghosting over my neck.

Goosebumps rose on my skins once he put his warm hand on my cold shoulder, which was bare from the absence of my cardigan and where it had slipped down to my elbow.

I flinched at the sensation, causing him to recoil.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” He quickly apologized, regret filling his eyes. “Um, you look nice by the way. I like the way you did your hair. A-and your dress. It looks nice.”

Not even giving a chance to respond to his compliment, I asked again, “Why are you here?” Pressing him to get the point faster before I had a chance to react at another one of his physical advances.

“I saw you leave the backyard and I thought I should check on you.”

“Well, you’ve checked on me, so you can go back now.” I didn’t miss a beat when responding, fooling him into thinking that I didn’t catch his words and their intentions.

“I just want to talk.” He replied, finally answering my question from before.

“Okay. Let’s talk.”

He took a seat on a chaise lounge sofa while I stayed standing by the bookcase in preparation for a quick escape if need be.

“I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away. That wasn’t fair of me.”

Although I hadn’t expected him to apologize, I wasn’t going to be misled and naively accept his apology with no reservations.

“Why did you do it? And for so long?”

“I was angry. I didn’t want another person in my life that I cared about to walk away, so I thought maybe if I made you feel unwelcome, you wouldn’t want to stay. And she’d come back.”

It hurt to say, but at least I knew he was being honest.

“I accept your apology, but it’s not okay.”

“I know that.”

“Okay, are we good now? We’ve talked, so,” My hand gestured toward the door, suggesting he should leave, but he didn’t comply.

“I’m not leaving.”

“And why not?” The wine glass in my hand nearly shattered at the way my hand wrapped around it since its presence hindered me from being able to actually clench my fists.

“I didn’t come here to apologize, even though I should’ve sooner. But I came here because I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Like you care.” I chuckled mirthlessly.

“I do care.”

I gave in, not wanting to fight him any longer, otherwise, I might cry some more from the altercation.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” He shook his head. “I know you’re not fine. What’s really wrong, Y/N?”

I looked away immediately from his gaze, trying to hide the sheen that was inevitably coating my eyes from the presence of tears, but he would’ve known I was crying the minute I used the cuff of my cardigan to wipe under my nose again.

“I just . . . I feel so unconnected,” I whispered, the pain of my words stealing my volume. “I don’t fit in. And I’ve never fit in before, but I actually thought this might be my chance.”

“It still is. Just come back outside.”

“You don’t get it!”

“What don’t I get?”

“I just needed to take a moment to compose myself so I wouldn’t ruin the energy of the room. And I’d really like to do that alone, okay?”

“I know you don’t want me to go.”

“What?”

“You’re testing me to see if I’ll stay.”

“No, I’m not.”

“So you’re saying that if I left right now, you wouldn’t regret letting me walk away?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“I know you’re lying to me.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Yes, you are. I know what it looks like when you lie. Wanna know how I know?”

I entertained his question out of pure frustration “How?”

“Because I pay attention to you. I see your mannerisms. I notice everything. Do you think I haven’t picked up on how you crack your knuckles when you’re nervous? Or how your stutter goes away when you talk about technology? Or how your fists clench, like how you’re doing right now?”

My eyes flickered to my fist that was wrapped so tightly around the glass, my knuckles were white. Out of shame, I loosened my grip.

“I pay attention because I care. And I’m sorry that I made you ever believe that I didn’t. What you do, and say, and think - it’s important. So no, I’m not leaving. I’m staying right here to give you the attention you deserve.” He sighed with a breath of relief. “I care more about you than whatever’s happening out there.”

And slowly, then all at once, that barrier between us broke down.

“I care about you. We all do. And when you’re ready, we can walk back out there together so that you can see for yourself just how much we care.”

. . . That night, I made nine more friends.

And the day we came back to work, with my Beanie Baby in hand, I rearranged my desk.

A folded up sticky note fell out from between two tables. I picked it up, recognizing the handwriting instantly.

Penelope Garcia.

Even when the laughter always seems to come from the other room and the world seems busy as it carries on without you, may you know this to be true. No matter who or what made you feel invisible, unworthy, unloved, or unseen, in this ever-moving world, there is still a place for you. And you are exactly in the place where you are meant to be.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

quote by morgan harper nichols

386 notes · View notes

aurora-daily · 3 years

Text

Runaway with AURORA: we meet the songwriting sprite to talk about music old + new

'We simply have to survive. And that is enough'

Interview by Blossom Caldarone for gigwise (July 8th, 2021).

A textbook empath and considerate soul, Norway’s AURORA has an endearing air of childlike sensitivity. Comfortably seated in her mother’s French dress, we caught up over Zoom amid the frenzied #runawayaurora trend and the singer’s monumental TikTok rise.

AURORA’s 2016 single ‘Runaway’ is now the dainty accompaniament to millions of short videos on the increasingly influential TikTok. Predominantly featuring suburban teenagers, the trend has encouraged people to find the charm in their otherwise mundane corners of the world. “Seeing the beauty in the small things is something we all lost on the way” she says. Whether users film lakeside days out, pose elegantly or capture early morning sun beams, the trend's theme is strikingly on brand for AURORA: “It’s nice that people have created a wholesome vibe to it - you never know with the trends! I’m happy it’s not anything horrible.”

Momentarily gazing at the mountains outside her Bergen window, it’s clear to see AURORA isn’t fazed by the numbers that currently skirt her name. “It’s a very abstract thing for me and therefore I don’t spend time trying to understand it. I’ve just been home, doing my normal things, cooking my dinner, reading my books and being in the studio. I’m very grateful that people are letting my song into their hearts” she softly explains.

Written when she was only 11, the song platforms a prematurely advanced AURORA grapple with the concept of running away from the people we love when we are in pain. “Just like a dog that goes out and dies alone in the forest, we do the same. We struggle so much in talking about these very mutual, normal feelings but can’t deal with them when we are going through them ourselves.”

It’s a universal reality that stumps any age or decade, and her philosophy on the song’s ability to resonate is profound: “Music, unlike us, has no age. If it’s good or relatable, or if it has nerve, it will never die and it will always make sense to someone.”

She’s embarked on a week of interviews, and I’m her last before the weekend. Conscious she may not want to wax lyrical about Runaway any longer, I turn the discussion to the things that make AURORA tick. “My biggest muse is Mother Earth and nature. It always has been and always will be” she gushes. “It grounds me, it opens me up. It humbles and strengthens me.”

Her Nordic roots affording her the luxury of stunning outdoor access, she talks effusively of its importance, and how life’s increasingly high tempo is detrimental. Astutely describing being human as an “extreme sport”, she accredits success to ending up in her own bed at the end of the day. “The world is way too demanding in every area. It’s almost impossible” she laments. Her approach to living is one of simplicity; where surviving is the only necessity and anything else a mere plus. “It’s a matter of life or death, we simply have to survive. And that is enough.”

With last year’s lockdown allowing her to fully immerse herself in her artistry, AURORA found herself revelling in the desolate streets and empty shops, whilst finding ultimate inspiration in the silence. Her introverted intentions thrived whilst she empathised with the struggling extroverts in the world: “Silence is so rare and I love it. I try to be in silence as much as I can”. AURORA famously doesn’t listen to much music apart from fellow celestial Enya: “I’m afraid I’ll miss out on an idea if I’m listening to something else. And I don’t want to be effected by other melodies. It contaminates me” she explains. A theory shared with anything but pretence, AURORA evidently has an ability to hone in on the nuances within the quiet; a skill that requires patience and devotion to creative processes.

Her timely mid-pandemic single ‘Exist For Love’ is a song that prioritises the fundamental importance of love. A delicate step away from previous AURORA releases, its traditional tendencies embody the timeless essence of a '50s love song, a trait only enhanced by its cinematic Isabel Waller-Bridge arranged strings: “I just felt like we needed a divine love song. I truly believe that when we understand love - unselfish pure love - we understand why we exist” she plainly explains, again finding a way to strip down concepts that feel hard to define.

“When I write, I think a lot about what the world will need. I wish to make something that will be good for people.” Often writing selflessly, boundaries are key; being an empath can be exhausting. “I can’t really read the newspapers. I have to learn things through discussion, and then dive into matters if I want to educate myself more. I spend little time on social media because it makes us sad, but it also makes me sad to see so many sad people on social media.” Surrounding herself with others who also tend to give more than they receive, AURORA ensures her good intentions are not misplaced.

As for her fans, they are at the forefront: “I think a lot about them. It’s all for them.” But it will come as no surprise to learn that she doesn’t like the more vacuous side of the industry, and finds getting recognised slightly unsettling. “It’s good to know it’s all worth it. As long as you can say something that means something, you can use the music as a tool to support people out there” she justifies.

Her new single ‘Cure For Me’, out now, is another example of AURORA’s altruistic approach to songwriting. A playful tune that will surprise fans with its cheekiness, it debunks the idea that humans should ever need to be cured, and that anything other than who we are is abnormal. “People are very self-critical and it doesn’t take much for us to assume that something is wrong because we look different, or act different, instead of just accepting that we are different. We are all biologically designed to be unique” she explains. We go on to discuss how we’re led to believe that we’re crazy for being emotional or sensitive: “That’s what inspired me to make this song, as an anti-gaslighting song where you just celebrate that it’s fine, and you’re going to be fine, and I don’t need a ‘Cure For Me' because I’m perfectly ok as I am.”

The song’s juxtaposed setup is a peek into what’s to come: “It’s fun for me to be less serious about things. It’s very new for me. I am often very serious in all my music. I really feel like we need a bit of light right now, everything has been so intense.”

Heading into a newfound artistic side, AURORA is considering how the new sound should be consumed too. With her mystical ability to sonify nature and art, AURORA’s eclectic and ethereal world has always captured feeling in a visual way. “I love to be able to shape how people see my music, even if just a little bit. For many people, it’s easier to understand the whole thing when they can see it as well.” She is currently painting an “intimidating” canvas and studying Egyptian history, alongside Greek and Roman mythology. Finding inspiration in their bohemian attitudes towards female roles, AURORA is focussing on the old, the new and repeated behaviours in between: “Everything we’ve done in history, both good and horrible, has sometimes taught us to be better and sometimes not. Our patterns of behaviour are very interesting.”

So with ‘Cure For Me’ here and a well-researched new artistic process in full flow, AURORA is peacefully going about her business and prioritising the small things that make her feel truly content. Currently, she's filling her home with flowers: “It makes me more happy every day than I could ever imagine.” Her intentions are in the most authentic place; a space that prioritises connection and understanding, and one that prioritises the heart in a world where its complexities are so often dismissed. “As long as we remember to take care of the mind and the heart, we’ll have the capacity to care for others as well” she finally assures me.

#aurora #aurora aksnes #interviews #cure for me #new album

24 notes · View notes

mytrashcanlife · 3 years

Text

Ashes to Ashes Jasper X Reader Part 3

After a few weeks the two new siblings had settled into the house. Alice was quickly becoming one of your best friends. She took you shopping, constantly, and insisted that even though you no longer had a date you were still going to prom and you were going to be the most sparkly thing there. Jasper on the other hand was never around, at least as far as you could tell. Every time you walked into a room he walked out of it. He didn’t look at you often and you returned the gesture because on the rare occasion you did lock eyes with him he looked like he wanted you six feet under. Alice insists that isn’t true and everyone else says he doesn’t hate you, but he hasn’t shown it at all. Little do you know that when you dance in the living room after convincing Edward to play the entertainer for the one-thousandth time, that he is just on the other side of the pillar in the house. Out of sight but soaking up every ounce of pure joy you give off. Having only felt constant negativity for a long time, your consistent positive emotions were a welcome change, but when you looked at him they turned to discomfort and fear, so he stayed out of your way. There was only one time he really felt you full of fear and concern when he wasn’t around, and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

Rosalie and Emmet had gone hunting and Rosalie had gotten much messier than usual due to Emmet’s hijinks. She thought she was sneaking into the house while you were away, but you saw her come in and go up the stairs. When she reaches the top of the stairs her eyes meet yours in horror.

“Oh my God Rosalie are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Emmet shot a deer and thought it would be funny to throw me at it. You know Emmet. Ha-ha.”

“Rose that doesn’t explain most of this blood are you hurt?”

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Tis but a flesh wound. I’m going to shower. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry”

You let her go, but not the incident. You bring it up to Emmet and Carlisle and nobody’s stories or explanations were adding up. Carlisle was definitely hiding something from you, and you were at your ropes end. You decided to confront Carlisle about all these issues, and it doesn’t go well. Jasper hears you yelling and goes to investigate. Still out of sight.

“Carlisle I am not some stupid little girl anymore. What aren’t you telling me?”

“(y/n) please just leave it alone. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“When I’m older? Carlisle I’m an adult. I’ve graduated. Soon I’m going to have to go Out into the world by myself. How much older do I need to be?!”

“Much older!”

“Fine if you won’t tell me I’ll just ask aunt Jane.”

“NO. (y/n) please for your own good just drop it.”

“Carlisle Elizabeth Cullen”

“That’s not my middle name”

“It is now. You have dodged every question I have asked you for years. I didn’t press the issue because I assumed you would tell me when I was an adult, but now I’m eighteen, my boyfriend just dumped me because he found out you were my family, though you all despised him before that. And now I have two new family members that I know nothing about, who look nothing like any of you, one of which looks at me like he wants me dead for absolutely no reason, and I just found my sister trying to sneak upstairs, covered in blood that is most definitely not her own. I want answers Carlisle and I will get them if you won’t tell me I will find someone who will, AM I CLEAR?”

Jasper was still hidden out of sight. Carlisle knew he was there but (y/n) was oblivious. He expected emotions to be rolling off of her, Sadness and Fear among them, but despite the tone of voice she held she was completely calm, no rage just minor annoyance.

“(y/n) everything I have done I did for your safety. Now drop it.”

“Unbelievable.” After a brief pause you decide it’s no use fighting with him. “Emmet!”

Emmet appeared in the doorway. (y/n) knew he was there but she never took her eyes off of Carlisle’s. “What’s up (y/n)?”

“I’ll meet you, downstairs in five. We’re going climbing. You down?”

“Always.”

“Good.” You turned around and ran out of the kitchen and upstairs to your room to get ready.

The next few weeks were more difficult for Carlisle than he expected. Jasper as well. Your normal Happy demeanor had been replaced with complete indifference. You were on a strict schedule and you stuck to it. Never speaking to Carlisle, and never even glancing in Jasper’s direction. You were waiting. The other side of the family would be visiting soon, and you were going to get your answers one way or the other. Soon enough you were out in the field with your usual trinkets waiting for them.

“(y/n) child! It’s so good to see you again.”

“You too uncle Aro.” You smile weakly and give your usual hug. When you pull back Aro has noticed your change in demeanor. He knows but he asks anyway.

“What’s wrong?”

“Where do I even begin? Carlisle is keeping secrets from me and I’m worried. I’ve never given him reason not to trust me but so much has happened that doesn’t add up. He’s dodging my questions and insists for my own safety that I ‘drop it’ and just pretend nothing is wrong.”

“How about you go with Aunt Jane and I’ll talk to Carlisle?”

“If you can get him to stop being so weird by all means.”

You and Jane go back to the house up to your room and you tell Carlisle that Aro is waiting for him in the field and wants to talk.

“Aunt Jane I’m worried.”

“About what dear?”

“You have to promise not to freak out okay?”

“Of course.”

“well, I saw Rosalie a few weeks ago, sneaking upstairs covered in blood. She insists nothing is wrong, but it wasn’t her own. I mean I expect that kind of behavior from Emmet, but Rosalie isn’t one to get dirty you know?”

“That is strange. Anything else bothering you?”

“Yeah we have two new kids Carlisle just adopted and Alice is super sweet, she helps me cook, helps with my homework. She even helped me pick out a prom dress, But Jasper…He gives me the creeps. I swear he looks at me like he wants me dead.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know! I haven’t said two words to the guy, but the others insist he doesn’t hate me.”

“Well I’m sure once Aro talks to Carlisle, you’ll get some answers.”

“Thanks Jane. Hey, can I braid your hair?”

“Of course.” While you are happily braiding intricate patterns into Jane’s hair, the situation is much more tense out on the field. Carlisle already knows what’s coming but he’s not happy about it.

“Aro.”

“Carlisle. My niece is unhappy. She seems to think you’re hiding something from her”

“She’s not your niece. I still don’t know how she came up with that idea. You know what I’m hiding, and you know I can’t tell her.”

“I told you that this charade couldn’t last for forever. You will tell her.”

“Aro it’s your rule that we don’t tell humans about us.”

“I know. You will tell her, and she will turn.”

“She will not.”

“She will. I don’t care who does it or when, but she will turn, and if what I’m hearing about your new members is true I’d be willing to bet who does it.”

“Jasper has his issues but he’s doing much better. He won’t hurt her.”

“I Know. I know that he doesn’t want to hurt her.”

“He isn’t going to.”

“He’s an empath Carlisle haven’t you noticed anything different about (y/n)? or him?”

“He’s not controlling her emotions.”

“I know he’s not if he was she wouldn’t be so scared of him. But she is a constant beacon of joy. She makes Jane of all people smile. After the hell that kid has been through I’m sure he’s enjoying every second of relief her emotions can give him. I’m sure when her dog left her she was pretty upset too.”

“The entire relationship lasted a few weeks.”

“Carlisle you don’t think we keep tabs on that girl? She’s the only person to ever make every member of this family smile on a regular basis, and if anyone or anything threatens her we will take every pleasure in destroying that threat.”

“You’re attached to her? You wanted me to leave her for dead!”

“That was a long time ago Carlisle things have changed. Let me make myself very clear. One of you is going to turn her by the time she’s nineteen or I will do it myself.”

“You speak of threats to her happiness and then threaten it yourself. She would never want to be one of us. She would be miserable.”

“I don’t think so. And you may want to keep your voice down Jane is returning with her now.”

Carlisle turns to see her and Jane walking towards the field. Jane as usual with complicated braids throughout her hair. (y/n)’s smile drops as she walks closer to Carlisle refusing to meet his gaze.

“(y/n)! I trust you had fun with Jane?”

“As always.”

“Did you get our gift?”

“Yes. Thank you so much. It’s beautiful. I have it in my jewelry box at home.”

“Good.” Aro turns back to Carlisle “I trust we’ve come to an understanding. I’ll see you next year.”

“Bye.”

The two of them left and Carlisle walked back to the house with (y/n).

“Are you going to talk to me (y/n)?”

“Are you going to stop being so unnecessarily vague and stop dodging my questions?”

“There are things I can’t tell you”

“then no”

After a few more minutes of silence she spoke once more in exasperation.

“Can you at least tell me why Jasper hates me?”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Then why does he avoid me at all costs. Or stare at me like he wants me dead?”

“Ask him.”

“fine I will”

They walk the rest of the way back in silence. Once they were home she immediately ran up the stairs to her room and shut the door. Everything was too much of a headache right now. She just decided to go to sleep for now and deal with everything else in the morning. Meanwhile Carlisle decides it’s best to keep his conversation with Aro a secret from the rest of the family. He’d figure it out later.

#jasper #jasper cullen #jasper x reader #jasper cullen x reader #twilight #twilight fanfiction #twilight renaissance #twilight reverie

39 notes · View notes