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#i once stopped a convo by saying that a kitten died in my hands
londonalozzy · 3 years
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Stop Pretending (TFATWS)
Fandom: Marvel
Pairing: Bucky x Reader
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: The reader thinks she's doing a stellar job of keeping her feelings for a certain soldier buried deep inside. Turns out, all it takes is an observant new friend to begin the unraveling of her most precious secret (Spoilers for TFATWS)
Masterlist
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Word: Pretence
Definition: A way of acting that is intended to deceive people.
Example: Saying that he's just a friend when he's really the love of your life.
Your POV
Being caught in the midst of war is something that I, (Y/N) (Y/L/N)  know all too well. As a war vet, former shield agent, and now Avenger I'm used to being centered amongst conflict. When the fight begins within me though, a battle between what I want and what I think is right, how will I react? Will I listen to my heart, my head, or will the winner be chosen for me?
Delacroix, Louisiana.....
I love my sleep, always have, always will. It's not necessarily the comfort of the bed, the quiet or even the rest. It's the fact that I'm at peace when I sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, so anything that will put that off for as long as possible I savor.
I wish it were the same for a certain super soldier in my life. I look forward to going to bed, everything calms down then, and for most people it's the same. For Bucky however, it's when everything starts, the nightmares, the terrors, the seemingly unending darkness. If only I could take his pain away like he has with mine.
For the last few weeks, my life had, for want of a better word, been hectic. Hectic to say the least.
After the eventual defeat of Thanos and the loses we endured as a result, I thought naively that life might calm down a bit, that I'd have time to breathe, to live. How wrong I was.
It all began with John Walker being announced to the world as the new Captain America.
I was baking cookies with Morgan in the Stark family kitchen when it came over the radio. As that latest turn of events sunk in, my first thoughts were of Bucky, what that would do to him. Not even an hour later I had said my goodbyes and was on my way to help him get the shield back.
Since then even more had happened. We'd regrouped with Sam, busted Zemo out of prison which in turn ruffled the feathers of Ayo and the Dora Milaje. We came face to face with Morgenthou and the Flag Smashers, and finally witnessed the man who thought he could even compete with Steve, make himself judge, jury and most significantly executioner.
After that went around the world we knew we had to end it sooner rather than later. It couldn't get much worse than Captain America becoming a murderer. We got the shield back, which was a fight all in itself. Handed Zemo over to Ayo, to try and recompense for the distrust we'd instilled in the people who'd helped us so much. Then we travelled to stay with Sam and his family in Louisiana whilst we waited for Karli's next move.
This is where we found ourselves now, in the eye of it, the calm before the storm.
Waking up in the Wilson households guest room, I was greeted to the golden hue of the rising sun penetrating through the single glaze windows, and the melodic sounds of gulls on the hunt for their morning meal down by the docks.
Actually, no that's not right. What I could hear was most certainly not birds, and it was definitely not melodic. What were those boys doing?
Quickly and quietly I threw on the first clothes I could get my hands on and made my way downstairs towards the noise. What caught my attention when I discovered the source, was not the two youngest Wilson boys playing with our newly reacquired shield in the living room, but the super solider who was blissfully ignorant to it all, sleeping peacefully on the couch in front of them. I don't think I'd ever been so happy.
"Right you two, if you're determined to play Avengers all morning then I suggest you re-assemble in the back yard. You're gonna wake Bucky up," I whispered out in one breath, stepping between the boys, then placing my hands on their backs and tip toeing them towards the door.
"So what if we wake him up? It's gone 10am," Cass questioned in protest, pulling on his sneakers and jacket.
"Exactly! Which is why if you do as I say, I will make you the biggest plate of waffles for breakfast that you've ever seen."
The boys eyes lit up. "Can we have ice cream with it? Mum never lets us have ice cream for breakfast, and I'm sure there's a tub of Stark raving hazelnuts in the freezer," AJ clapped in muted excitement. "Oh, for God's sake.....Yes. You can have whatever you want if you get out of this house now and keep the noise down."
Once the boys were outside, I made my way over to the kitchen, stopping on the way to lean over my favourite senior citizen and make sure that he was still peaceful in his slumber. He'd never looked so relaxed, so at ease. It was a brand new Bucky I'd never seen before, a Bucky that had my heart pounding for him even more than it normally did. Not that he knew any of that.
Half an hour later and up to my elbows in waffle mix, I failed to notice my new friend and host Sarah making her way to my side at the counter, the huge smile on my face not going unnoticed. "What's got you grinning like the Cheshire cat, like I need to ask?"
"Bucky's sleeping. Isn't it amazing?" I spoke softly, bouncing up and down on my feet as I did so.
"And why is that?" She couldn't looked more confused if she tried.
"In all the years I've known him, I don't think I've ever woken up before he has. If his nightmares don't keep him awake all night, they normally have him up before the crack of dawn. I don't think I've ever seen him so still."
"Good answer," Sarah nodded in a hush, understanding why this meant so much to me, but not done yet with her morning interrogations, "Now on to my next question......"
"I'm already not liking the sound of this."
"Sleeping Beauty over there follows you around like a little puppy dog. He hangs on your every word, looks at you like you hung the stars or something. It's pretty obvious how crazy he is about you, so when are you gonna stop pretending that you're not head over heels in love with him?"
"I don't know what you're talking about Wilson," I smiled forcefully, making out like the waffle maker deserved my attention way more than the conversation I was being made to have.
This was all Sam's doing, without a shadow of a doubt. He'd tried to have this conversation with me on multiple occasions and I shut him down every time. He obviously hadn't given up like I thought he did, and decided to draft in his sister. He is seriously gonna regret it when I find him.
"Sure you know what I'm talking about. Sam sees it, I don't even know you that well and I see it. The only reason Bucky doesn't, is because he doesn't believe he could ever be that lucky. You're a smitten kitten." These Wilson's are all as annoying as each other.
Knowing I wasn't getting out of this one, I grabbed Sarah by the arm and pulled her right into the corner of the room, trying my best to keep this convo as private as possible. "Look, I'm not pretending.....I'm ignoring. There's a difference."
"Care to explain what that difference is?" Sarah spoke softly, but with a sarcastic air.
Turning to look over my shoulder at the subject of our conversation, making sure he was still safely in the land of nod, I decided to just be honest. Sarah was much like her brother. Once she wanted to get to the bottom of something she wasn't about to give up.
"I love Bucky, more than I've ever loved anyone...and that terrifies me," the rawness of finally being honest making my voice shake, and tears come to my eyes. "Nat was like my sister, and she's dead. Tony was the closest I've ever gotten to having a Dad...and he's dead too. Then there's Steve, Vision, God knows where Wanda is....Everyone I love, either leaves or dies. If I admit my feelings for Buck then I face the risk of losing him too."
"Do you have any idea how crazy you sound right now? He's not going to die because you love him (Y/N)."
Silent tears were falling now. I was revealing my deepest fears to a woman I'd only known a few days, and I'm not underplaying it when I say it was like a colossal weight off my chest, a release I didn't know I needed. "Believe me...I know, but I can't take that risk. I can't lose anyone else, especially not him."
"Let's just say for a second that you're right, that there is some higher power somewhere, set on destroying everyone you love. Do you really think ignoring your feelings is going to make them disappear?" I didn't know what to say to that. "Natasha and Stark died so that everyone could continue living, and (Y/N) you're not living as long as you keep this to yourself. They wouldn't want that for you."
"But what if I lose him?" I whispered with a choked sigh.
"Then at least he'll die knowing how you felt about him. After everything he's been through don't you think he deserves to know there's someone out there who loves him like you do?"
"Of course..."
Sarah's lips pulled upwards in a satisfied smirk, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and giving it a comforting squeeze, "then you owe it to yourself, and to him, to tell him the truth."
"Why do all you Wilson's have to be so clever?" I voiced in mock irritation, pushing her away from me and acting like I was annoyed she had gotten one up on me.
"I don't know," she thought aloud and with a cheeky grin, grabbing a plate to start piling on the long forgotten waffles, "I think it might be the sea air or something."
"Nah, it's in the genes," I chuckled quietly, grabbing my jacket and deciding it was time to get this conversation wrapped up. "I'll go find Sam and the boys for breakfast. Clear my head a little bit."
"You promise you're gonna tell him?" Sarah stopped me as I went to push the door open.
"I'll think about it."
3rd person POV
Once (Y/N) was out of ear shot, Sarah couldn't help but start jumping up and down in excitement, clapping her hands loudly as she did so. That went even better than she thought it would, and she was so proud of herself. Sarah Wilson could now add matchmaker to her resume.
"Coast is clear Barnes. You can open your eyes now."
(Y/N) had no idea what she had metaphorically walked into just minutes earlier, entering that very revealing conversation with her overly inquisitive host.
What drew Sarah to come down that morning was the sounds of both the front porch door opening and the smell of homemade waffles wafting up the stairs. As she entered the kitchen she was met with two sights. One being (Y/N), facing the counter and looking very smiley, the other being a wide awake super soldier who was just laying on the couch and staring at her, the sole object of his affection. Sarah could work with this.
Every time (Y/N) turned back in his direction, Bucky would close his eyes and pretend to be asleep again. He had never slept so soundly, so peacefully, thoughts of (Y/N) and his new friends filling his nightmare free dreams.
He'd initially woken to (Y/N) ushering the boys outside because she was afraid they would wake him up. He didn't want to disappoint her by proving her right. Besides, he liked just watching her move around the kitchen, completely unaware he was observing her the whole time. He had no idea about the conversation that was just about to happen.
After (Y/N) had left and Sarah had confirmed so, Bucky sat himself up, his body shaking with adrenaline and a look of complete shock fixed on his face. Had he definitely woken up, or had the whole thing been a part of his dream? Did (Y/N) seriously just admit that she was in love with him?
Bucky didn't know how to react, didn't know what to say as he looked up at a smug Sarah from his spot. All he'd ever wanted was for (Y/N) to feel the same way about him as he did about her. Now he knew that she did.
"You're welcome by the way."
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Pinball wizard, The Who—Always playing clean
He plays by intuition
How do you think he does it
I don't know
What makes him so good
Ain't got no distractions
Can't hear no buzzers and bells
His disciples lead him in
And he just does the rest(first song)
Star me kitten, rem
Keys cut, three for the price of one(Funny them playing this when they just started using the key for the downstairs door again)
Nothing's free but guaranteed for a lifetime's use
I've changed the locks
And you can't have one
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Cinnamon, the long winters—You were so quiet,
Some hear a call,
Some are the messengers,
I thumb through the pictures,
And know them all.
They said, "Do you remember when you saw her last"
I said, "Her skin is cinnamon, her skin is cinnamon."
I have too many stories, keeping it serious,
Some are collectores, some keep it straight,
It was a hospital,
I was delirious,
I clung to the stretcher
And drew them a heart. —about going into the hospital. I actually have a chalk drawing of hearts from there.
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"We're already married!"—Jakk and I were married with 8 kids in 1770’s Ireland.
And I spoke up with my new hands—this is a line about what happened to me through my NDE; people that I work on often say that my right hand feels like a lightning bolt on them.
The love inside, Barbra Streisand 11:11–I'm here to face the sorrow—that one took me a minute
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I felt my size, 11:11, the microphones —When I looked out across the freeway at the people flying by
I turned my head, I closed my eyes, I felt my size (accident reference)
Iggy, tyler the creator—Shit got hectic whenever I fought back I don't like that; cellular convos getting left in the wrong
'Cause I get so fucking mad when you don't write back
This isn't a song, I just happen to rhyme when I get emo
And find time to write facts, fuck I'm bad at keeping my emotions bubbled
I even considered picking up smoking—so just yesterday the spirits showed me a client that blond had sent me in 2018. Someone who sexually forced me and smoked Newport’s. When I got home that night, a huge part of the plant that I adored just completely died. that night I dreamed about looking for a pack of Newport’s. I spent a lot of time thinking about that. Well suddenly empty packs of Newport’s showed up EVERYWHERE. When I went
To dainichi, he said once again that blond was a very skilled telepath, and I had to be better at protecting myself. Months later I was looking at the tree which was clearly dying, and I found screws on the planter. I brought them to dainichi that day, and he said they were screw hexes that killed the plant, and that I was to throw them in the graveyard immediately.
I'll lose a couple screws in due time, I'll stop breathing
And you'll see the meaning of stalking
When I pop out the dark to find you
(So you can breathe, or we can die together, you and me)—this was something I heard her say to me a couple times, that I would be stuck
Hearing her for the rest of time, that she would never leave me alone, even if it meant I had to kill myself. That was 2018-19.
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Hawk moon 269, u2–
Like a Phoenix rising needs a holy tree
Like the sweet revenge
Of a bitter enemy
Like the muzzle of a gun
Do you think it’s alright, The Who—this is a reference to a parental lapse where a child got sexually abused.
Bring your love down, yaz—-You say it's time to leave now babe I can't believe
That you have the strength to go now I'm the only one that can hold your reins If you think you need a change well I'm sure we can arrange
For you to get on your own for a while
But I don't need to worry 'cause you'll get back in a hurry—this is a song about Jakk trying to leave, but how the work done on him would always keep him tethered to those who “hold your reins”
I want her she wants me, the zombies—
Finds he needs her more because
She's no more need for him—
Brief candles burn so fine (I had a healing candle working done a year ago for us about the baby. It wasn’t cheap.)
In the corner see his face
The man just sips his drink
Not one feeling does he show
Far too numb to think
He does not say a single word
No word of love to say
Maybe he will soon believe he's better off this way
Can I believe you, fleet foxes—I see it, eat through every word I sow It never got less strange
When I'm one way with them, one with you
What half is it of me rearranged
Pay me my money down, bruce springsteen—Pay me or go to jail
Fool says, m ward—
Hey, I ain't never seen anything like this before
I ain't never seen anything like this before
I thought all the mystery was gone
You're here to tell me I was wrong
Cruel reminder, heat miser—A sick desire been creeping around A knife in the back and stuck in one place
With a pat on the back and a slap on the face(that’s about me and the tarot reader and the knife in the back at Lanza’s, where a lot of stabbing was happened)
Keep trying to see from a better position Here comes a big insider, turn myself in
Thinking of ways to explain everything
This sick desire, don't you do a thing It's a cruel reminder it's all in my head
End of the earth, marina—Hmm, tell me why do we fight? Cause I'll love you 'til the end
I'll love you 'til the end of the earth—from what I have seen, we will see the end of the earth as we currently know it. That’s all I can say. I can tell you it involves a river.
If we're torn apart, then I won't let go—this has to do with the fact that Jakk and I were twins—twice—in past lifetimes.
Maybe could be possible—Akita the don
Instrumental.
You know the statistics, amanda Palmer—Music is the messenger.
Tears for affairs, camera obscure—Can you handle one more dirty secret one more dirty night
I can tell you this for nothing
You won't win
You had to drive
(I didn't want to)
Look me in the eye
(I found it hard to)
New York, st Vincent—So much for a home run with some blue bloods. I made Jakk a tape of me singing this for him in 2017.
Lonesome cowboy bill, velvet underground, 12:12—all I can say is they play this song so fucking much, and it’s about Jakk.
Capsize, big black delta—As god is my witness
Me and my song
We'll do it alone
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Sandra’s rose, drake—Worms, I just opened up a can of those
Two girls that I rope like Indiana Jones
I make them hoes walk together like I'm Amber Rose
Yeah, fuck that, I got to up the ante
California girls sweeter than pieces of candy —when Jakk and blond were in cali in 2017, I was shown a scenario where both the tarot reader and this penthouse playmate I know were there with them, they had a sex orgy, and then gave Jakk heroin to kill him. I was told he was going to die in california—it was at this point that all the healers working with me decided I needed to go into the hospital to cut off being able to “hear” for a while. But I’m a capricorn. It took me 4 more months of this before I went in.
I wasn't made for no casket or no prison cell I'm the chosen one, flowers never pick themselves Crime family like the Genovese, you don't want drama, capisc'?
Spoiler alert, the second act is tragic
And everyone that wants the worst for me is askin' what happened
Backstabbed so many times, I started walkin' backwards
Like Charlamagne, I see the light and see the darkest patches
Bury me and I'll be born again I got some real demons across the border fence And made a note of the mistakes we can't afford again When I say that they cursin' me it ain't dirty words
Church of Pentecost, Holy Spirit synagogue
I don't know who's protectin' me, but we hit it off
Ooh do I love you, cap’n jazz—That there tree grew outta me
People talking, lotsa people talking
I'm hurt, you're hurt, my dad's hurt and haven't you learned everyone's hurt
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Workin on leaving the living, modest mouse—this is both a reference to the stuff I get told about Jakk, and that there is a dangerous amount of drinking and drugging going on. Btw, I went stone cold sober again a week ago (no more weed before bed), and I cannot believe all the stuff coming through. But most importantly I want to say that line “in heaven everything is fine”—the other day tupac explained to me that he and biggie hang now. None of this will matter there. The other side is so much better than earth. But enjoy your body while you have it.
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Don’t fear the reaper, blue oyster cult, 12:34–Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity (Romeo and Juliet)
40,000 men and women everyday (Like Romeo and Juliet)
40,000 men and women everyday (Redefine happiness)
Another 40,000 coming everyday—actually they believe it’s up to 118,000 people die every day.
Now imagine how many spirits are in my apartment.
That’s today’s music up to 12:34.
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kmp78 · 7 years
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“I think they should seriously start thinking about actually limiting the M&G ticket amounts - and sticking with it! Just put max 30 for sale - and that´s it! When those 30 are gone, they are GONE. No second chances. You did not get a ticket? Tough luck.”
They could do that but I really don’t think that would solve any problems or make fans happy. No matter which way you do it, there will always be those who won’t like it and will complain. 
Let’s say you make it 30 tickets for each M&G. And make them cheap. It will be nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get a ticket. So fans will end up complaining that there is no way to get to meet the band. And like I said, if they are cheap and in high demand, you can COUNT on those who score one to sell them for profit. If AIW will keep a strict no transferring policy (now they often let you transfer it to a friend if you can’t come after all, which they don’t have to do but are often nice enough to do). then some fans will be upset because of THAT.
The other option is to sell just 30 tickets and make it super intimate but it will cost thousands. That way there is no way an avarage fan will ever be able to meet the band and it will only be the selected few rich fans who can afford it. Just like with the Super VIP tickets. And if you make it really expensive, fans will be expecting it to be J living up to their fantasies and becoming their best friend and falling in love with them and having a 3 hour conversation ONLY with them and all the other unrealistic stuff you can think of. 
I really see nothing wrong wrong with the VIP packages for M&G as they are now. I think you get a great experience. You get to meet the band and hang out with them a bit and listen to their thoughts. You get a photo with them and you get to be at the very front of the stage. Currently it’s about 200 fans at each M&G and since everyone is sitting on the floor usually, there are no bad spots where you wouldn’t be able to see anything. And I think $350-400 is still affordable if you really want it and save for it. 
I see so many fans complaining about the M&G’s and I really don’t understand why or what they expect? Let’s say they would limit it to just 30 fans. What then? How woudl it be different? Do you really think they would start having 5-10 minute conversations with everyone? And even if they did do you really think fans wouldn’t be complaining? There would still be fans who would find the weren’t “interested” enough in what they said or would think J wasn’t making enough conversation with them if they themselves couldn’t think of anything to talk about (and hey they paid so of course it is J’s job to make sure they get their full 5-10 minute conversation with him because god forbid they get any second less than other fans at the M&G)., or J wasn’t praising or commenting enough to the gifts they gave….I can think of thousand things fans would STILL be complaining about. And the excuse would always be “But we PAID SO MUCH for it!” or “I DIDN’T GET MY 5-!= MINUTE CONVO EVEN THOUGH IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INTIMATE!”. 
There’s no way to please everyone, no matter how you do it. I’m fine with the way it is now. It’s still somewhat intimate and special and it’s not cheap but it’s not super expensive or “unaffordable” either,. And if you compare prices or experiences, you have to keep in mind the level of fame and fanbase of the artist and the level of demand. The more demand and the more famous an artist is, the more expensive and the more people there will be. If they are lesser known, they’ll be cheaper and smaller. And in 30STM case, the fact that J is an Oscar winner and now the new “Joker”, you will of course also have those who will come to the M&G’s just because of him too. 
I have no problem with AIW or the M&G’s but I do agree that their social media is useless and uninteresting these days and Vy is a graveyard these days. And I also aree that they were shooting themselves in the foot and driving fans away  the way they handled Vy in the last months before it completely “died”. J being late and seeming uninformed and unprepared, all of them coming across as really unorganized and no one really knowing when what was going to be available, them changing dates of events at a short notice without any explanations and having an attitude about it on top of that, them expecting fans to do all the work for them and selling the events with minimal effort from them or the band, them selling events and no one reallly knowing what they are REALLY buying, getting what you paid for MONTHS later and the product not being good and done with minimal effort, them having an attitude if people complained that they still haven’t gotten everything they paid for, etc. And I agree that after over a year of #MarsIsComing I’m getting tired of getting excited too. It has no effect anymore. I’m more like “Call me when you have REAL news and a release date and the album REALLY is going to come out!” The only real social media we had left was J’s snapchat but it seems he has given up on that as well and posts much less lately or almost only posts if it’s business related or promotion. You get one or two hike snaps in between but not much. Maybe it’s because he got so many shitstorms based on his snaps, especially since it gave his kittens a chance to troll so he stopped or he is just laying low before the tour and album to “make fans miss him” (not a good strategy at this day and age where when you are out of social media and out of people’s mind, you’re quickly forgotten and replaced.) Or…he just really has been busy recording the album lately (as it seems) and in a “creative bubble” and hasn’t really had much to post about or felt important enough to post about. Or he just decided to take his privacy on another level and barred everyone around him from posting anything and decided not to share anything himself either. Or post less. Because I really do not think that he has only hung out with JaR once and with the L twins once and only with Zedd once and hasn’t met AM while he’s in LA. Before, he would’ve posted JaR on his sc and he definitely would have showed AM on his sc. But now we get nothing at all. On one hand it keeps the shitstorms away and no one can say he’s pretending to be alone since he isn’t posting ANYTHING. And his kittens can’t troll anymore because even if they post something, we won’t be any wiser since we don’t know if J was there because he didn’t post anything. So unless they post a pic of J or something where we could recognize him, we won’t know. And he has every right to his privacy. But I do miss his stories and adventures on sc. 
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Cheap tickets and limited quantity is a recipe for disaster - that would not work. I do think that putting a limit to the number of tickets available while keeping the price as is could be a viable option - but then again it does also put buyers in different podiums so to speak, simply because not everyone can speak English well enough to carry even a brief convo with the band one on one, and also not everyone wants to have that. People might feel self conscious or scared or just uncomfortable putting themselves on show like that. 
(Disclaimer and rules)
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