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#i originally had a big explanation explains how normalizing fan art allows people to relate the characters to the fandom and not the author
fuzziekins · 4 years
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6. What made you realize your current labels fit you?
if it’s ok i’m gonna combine this with question 10, which is when did you realize you weren’t cishet, since when i think about it i usually group the two ideas together. And because it’s a long story and i have no idea how the hell to shorten it i’ll have it under the cut.
So my current label i use is demi-whatromantic asexual [with a slight aesthetic preference toward females]. I include the aesthetic attraction in brackets because sometimes i use it and sometimes i don’t, and maybe that’s because my label in general makes attraction confusing to me or because i’m just plain obsessed with Elsa from Frozen. But because that’s a lot to explain, i usually just say i’m ace or queer. Even if people still don’t know or understand asexuality, sometimes saying i’m queer is just enough to get the point across without needing to go into a needlessly detailed explanation. And while i know everyone has their own personal feelings about queer, as a label or as a word, i like the inclusivity of it. It’s enough for people to know i’m not straight, but it also leaves the door open if people want to know more. There was no specific moment that made me realize queer can fit my just as much as demi-whatromantic asexual; just the occasional tagged queer content on tumblr and the reassurance of some posts that the community has reclaimed the word and whatever each individual’s relationship or feelings are to that word, it’s perfectly ok and valid. I’m allowed to use that word for myself if i see fit. The rest of my label is slightly different.
I figured out first that i was asexual. Except i didn’t realize it until maybe 6 or 7 years after first even seeing the word. I saw it for the first time here on tumblr with the most basic description and i just thought, ‘ok that sounds like it could be me.’ But ultimately i decided it was a problem for future me because i had school to worry about. And even after that it took some times to realize that’s what specifically fit me. And i can’t just say that i had this light bulb moment where i looked up more details about asexuality and knew it was right for me, because that feels like it negates all the steps it took to get there.
After my dad passed, art became a sore topic for me to the point where i couldn’t even enjoy it for myself. But being a creative person, i had to do something. So i put my focus into writing, specifically roleplaying, which is something i hadn’t done since college. And honestly, i wish it didn’t take that to make it the first step because i know had i been able to realize any of this sooner and gotten the chance to tell my dad, he would have been more than accepting and i really hate that’s a moment i missed out with him. Anyway, i happened on a roleplay group kind of my accident but it gave me the chance to not only revisit a couple of OC’s i created back in high school, but also create new ones. The first LGBT+ one didn’t come around for me until a year later; before then the characters i made were straight because i didn’t think much or know better. But the more i roleplayed with these characters, the more i got to explore. When i created more characters i really got to think, ok does this person have a preference?; can i imagine this character eventually in a relationship?; is it ok i just automatically think this character is a lesbian? And the first thing with that, that really hit me, was with the first OC i ever created. My online friend and i were plotting, trying to figure out which of our characters might be friends. And she had just created one similar to one of my characters. Another online friend, he shared a birthday website as kind of a joke and kind of inspiration to help with relations; there was a date compatibility thing or something on the site. It turned out to be funny because some of the characters with pre-existing relations based on that were totally accurate and others were way off. But with two specific characters my friend and i were looking at, the site said they’d make a great couple. And at that time, that particular OC of mine had gone from being hetero to simply open-minded, since she never thought of relationships before and i never particularly saw one for her. But as soon as we read that, it clicked. And not only did the plots and inspiration start coming, but it led to so much character development for my OC. A character i created in high school to basically be a one-dimensional bookworm who was now not only questioning her newfound friendship but her sexuality. And as i wrote her discovering that, i noticed i was putting some of my own tendencies into her - her awkwardness and the way she reacted to certain topics, for example. My friend commented my character was probably ace in addition to realizing she was a lesbian. I didn’t think much of it then, but that was kind of the first piece.
The second piece came in the form of the show The Bold Type. Admittedly the show hasn’t been as good since its first season, but that’s beside the point. But from the first episode we’re introduced to this one character, Kat, and in her interactions with another character you could feel the chemistry between them. And part of her arc for that first season was coming to terms with her feelings for that woman and realizing she wasn’t straight. And for me, someone who was only a few years older than her 20something year old character, that was something i didn’t know i needed to see. I’m naive, childlike, and oblivious. Even if i had known anyone who wasn’t straight up until then, i wouldn’t have noticed or asked anything. But seeing that on screen, someone in my age group who actually didn’t know who she was and was starting to figure something out about herself, it gave me permission to question. Even if that question was, why the hell am i enjoying this so much?
But what really did it for me was the show Andi Mack on Disney Channel. It was one of the few shows i actually enjoyed at the current time on Disney Channel, even though by all accounts i should’ve been done with all that ages ago [except i’m a disnerd]. And after the first season ended and season two was rapidly approaching, the big question and anticipation was in the form of a character’s coming out. Fans have been picking up that one of the characters may have been gay and were waiting for confirmation. And that confirmation came in the season two premiere. And, if memory serves, there was a reason why it was met with acclaim the way it was. The scene in question involved two characters, Buffy and Cyrus, sitting at the diner. And there was that slow build up, just knowing that Cyrus needed to tell Buffy something. And when she asked if he liked another boy, Jonah, Cyrus nodded sadly and said “I feel weird. Different.” Ultimately, she ended up promising him in the most comforting and encouraging way, “you’ve always been weird. But you’re no different.” 
And for me, even as an adult, hearing those words just made everything click. I had no idea how much it meant to hear that. I always knew i was different from other kids growing up. I was treated different. I knew i was weird. And for the most part, i accepted that. But i didn’t understand what made me so different. At that point, i had the faintest basic knowledge of a few different sexualities courtesy of creating OC’s. Only one of them, at that current point, had identified as ace by choice. And suddenly i looked deeper into the meaning of asexuality. And just about everything about it fit for me. Why i didn’t experience attraction the ‘normal’ why. A potential reason why i never had the powerful urge to date or why i pushed the idea to the side so much. It even explained my childlike nature; i’m a kid at heart, but knowing that a “stereotypical” ace is someone who is naive, childlike, etc, it made sense why that was such a huge factor in my personality. Because i was a stereotypical ace. I told one of my best friends about a month later, and then i think 3 or 4 months after that, i posted on my Instagram about being ace. It’s felt right ever since.
Sometimes i do get specific and say i’m a s-x repulsed ace, because the topic really makes me that uncomfortable. But even if i don’t use it out loud all the time i know, as far as the asexual umbrella goes, that’s exactly specifically what fits me. So since hearing “you’ve always been weird, but you’re no different” and learning the full definition of asexuality, that’s what made me realize that fits me.
As far as my romantic orientation goes, it’s more of a grey area and sometimes i still struggle with it. While i’ve openly identified as asexual officially for two and a half years, i’ve had my romantic label for maybe no more than 6 months. When i read that asexuals can be anything from heteromantic to gay to bi to aro...basically anything...originally it felt like there were so many possibilities open. It made me feel good to know that i could basically be anything. But it also made me terrified because how the hell was i supposed to know? Now that i knew my asexuality basically screwed up my attraction to begin with, i also had to admit that it took a lot for me to get close to people to begin with. And, even more so, since my dad passed, the wall i already had up became bigger and stronger. I felt for a time like i lost a lot of support during that dark period and the last thing i wanted to do was let new people, or anyone in.
The obvious answer was that i was probably, if anything, demiromantic. Because if it took so much for me to open up to actual friends in the first place, to get close with them and develop a friendly bond, how much more time, effort, and energy would it take to get close to someone romantically? I thought about using that label for a little bit, but it didn’t fit. And, as someone who feels her emotions so strongly, powerfully, and, to a point, near uncontrollably, i questioned what the hell could be wrong with me that i couldn’t knowingly feel a basic romantic attraction? Aromantic was probably much more accurate, but from what i recall reading online, it’s also perfectly normal for anyone who is aspec to feel broken or like there’s something wrong with them because they’re missing something so “important”. And especially when i already hated so much about myself, finally feeling comfortable with myself about one thing - my asexuality - and knowing that it was right for me and that there wasn’t anything wrong with me about that, the last thing i wanted was to put myself down and feel more shame about who i was. 
I think it was sometime last last year, in 2019, that i first started seeing the word quoiromantic pop up. I think it was on one of the LGBT+ blogs i follow, or maybe an asexual or aromantic specific one. And another word for quoiromantic is whatromantic, since quoi means what. What is romantic attraction? What’s the difference between that, aesthetic attraction, and sexual attraction? What makes someone know they feel that specific attraction? And as someone who naturally asks “what?” or “what’s that?” albeit jokingly, it felt plausible. And it felt like a reasonable explanation for why i really didn’t know anything for sure. Because, even when i tried to think back to when i was in school, did i ever really feel attraction? Was it so faint i didn’t even recognize it? Was i mixing it up with maybe platonic attraction? I had no fricking clue. Simply saying “what” summed it up so simply for me.
I don’t include anything gender related in my label. As far as i know, i’m cis. My body is female and, to my knowledge, i’m comfortable enough that i don’t think i need to identify as anything else, save for really not being comfortable in dresses or heels. But if someone called me dude instead? I don’t care. I use dude as a term for everyone regardless of gender (unless someone tells me otherwise for the sake of their personal comfort). My gender doesn’t feel like something that needs to be changed or defined, unlike my sexual and romantic orientations.
When i saw my whole label together, i think about it, and i connect all the dots, it makes sense for me. Sure, i could simply say whatromantic asexual and leave it at that. But whether it’s platonically or maybe it really does have the faintest connection to romantic attraction and it’s so faint and confusing i wouldn’t know it if it slapped me across the face, keeping demi felt right. Quoi- or whatromantic, to my current still-baby LGBT+ knowledge, is generally seen as a microlabel. It’s something under the aromantic umbrella that is so super specific that a lot of people wouldn’t understand why it needs to exist. It exists to bring a sense of comfort. And that’s exactly what it does for me. It’s the main romantic label for me while demi serves as the microlabel. And ultimately, as someone who has the overwhelming need to always explain themself, i want to have a label that encompasses everything. Even if i don’t always explain my identity or simply say i’m queer, i want to know the details for my sake. 
And i think ultimately, the more i say it to myself in my head, and think of all the ways i may have to explain it to people, the more i know it fits me. 
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