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wishingfornever · 5 years

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2/16/2018 – No Contact: Mass Tragedy

There was a school shooting yesterday. I think? May have been the day before. It was mentioned yesterday but I was so sleepy I couldn’t recall.

Gun control in the US… or at least the debate begins. I was actually raised in a household with a lot of guns. Go figure, it’s one of the reasons why Esther was SO concerned that I’d kill Dennis and why Dennis feared for his life. OoooOOOooo.

I’m reminded that Dennis is the biggest fucking coward. Obviously I didn’t kill him and I wouldn’t have killed him.

Whatever. Not the point. The point is, in the US there is always a delay when talking about gun control. Like, so much. “Can’t talk about gun control; you’re using these victims to push an agenda.” So, the best you can do to even bring it up is to wait… then they’ll forget about it and it’s no longer an issue. Out of sight is out of mind, so to speak.

I’m pro gun. I believe the populous should always have access to firearms as a whole. As a whole. A whole. The individual, however, should not.

What does that mean?

It means if the individual is unfit to own a gun then they shouldn’t own a gun. Simple. The same way that you need a driver’s license to own a car. The difference between a car and a gun is that your car isn’t protected by the Bill of Rights. In order to operate a car, however, you can’t be drunk and a lot of medications say you shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a car when on them.

Irresponsibility is certainly an issue. However, that’s not the ONLY problem.

I’d like to think medications are a big part of it. Not necessarily the medications themselves, but the reason people need them. I’m under the impression that if the US were to embrace a healthcare system that would allow for people to afford therapists, then there would be far less shootings. Why do I think this?

Because the US isn’t the only nation that allows guns to their population.

Iceland and Switzerland are two GREAT examples. Switzerland has allowed their citizens and foreigners with permanent residence to own automatic weapons. No mass shootings. Why?

The right wingers will say because EVERYONE is armed… but that’s not true. The left wingers will say that it’s because the government tracks EVERYTHING and you can’t fire a bullet without them knowing… but that’s also not true.

The fact of the matter is, Switzerland is actually… kind of… happy? The US is an impoverished, third world shithole despite being the wealthiest and most first world nation in the world. The citizenry of Switzerland aren’t impoverished and live in first world conditions despite being technically a third world nation that is renowned for it’s banks. Not everyone is a banker, obviously.

Switzerland has a higher Human Development Index than the US. The HDI in the US is dropping. And when income inequality is taken into account, the US drops even more. Switzerland has nationalized healthcare, so their people are taken care of. The US? That shit keeps get taken away because “muh taxes.” Your taxes are going to the poor whether you’d like it or not, Mr American Taxpayer. If someone is on foodstamps despite having a job, then their company isn’t paying them enough. If you want to pay less for taxes then you should push for a higher minimum wage.

Simple enough. Tax money goes to foodstamps, which less money can go to foodstamps if the people on foodstamps can afford their own food. Or that taxmoney can go to medicare, like every other first world nation, so you can save a bit more later on. In the US, prices for medical treatments are SUPER high without good reason.

The US population is relatively disgruntled. Switzerland, which has a lot of guns themselves including FULLY automatic rifles, doesn’t have the mass shootings the US does. It’s because the Swiss aren’t as unhappy as the US. They can get all the treatment they need to prevent wanting to murder everyone. There is less stress and inconvenience in Switzerland. There is just more of everything that makes a Swiss citizen human and less of everything that makes a Swiss citizen… well… American.

The US isn’t the best country in the world because it’s a country that constantly contradicts itself and ignores it’s own problems while misattributing them wholly.

At Dollar General, I see people come in from their jobs while still in uniform. Not even like “Dollar General” jobs where you have to purchase and assemble your own uniform. Like, legitimate customized colors with the companies name on it. Jobs that pay MORE than just minimum wage, yet they’re still on foodstamps. Why? What is the purpose of having a job if it isn’t enough to keep you alive?

Of course, the shooter was 19, I think? Apparently, he bragged about killing animals which is a clear sign of being a serial killer later in life. He’s not the sort of person to have guns because he’s, and hear me out on this, NOT THE SORT OF PERSON WHO SHOULD OWN GUNS. Want to know what is more expensive than guns? Therapy.

He apparently posted on Facebook really dumb things. Like, looking back it’s obvious. He was reported to the FBI and they couldn’t find out anything beyond his name. Youtube should have sent them his Email address and FBI could have used that email address to look him up on Facebook, just to see if he’s posted anything similar there because Facebook has made privacy a very unpopular thing.

Don’t need to even do NSA and track him through his email and watch him closely or whatever it is they do. Spoiler alert, they do nothing of important value. If this guy was posting dumb shit and the NSA didn’t get involved, then they’re literally worthless. Save some money and disband the NSA. Not like spying on your own citizens (and our own allies) actually works, it seems.

Ugh… this is my day off. Don’t want to get too angry… btw, time is 11am. Been up since at least 9am. Went to bed at about 9pm. So, about 12 hours? I think that’s not bad. Catching up and I’m ready to face the day. I’m going to relax today. Worry about everything tomorrow. No working on my book, no calling dad, no productivity. This is a break day. I want to have breakfast soon. Almost 12 and no food. Not cooking eggs. Going to be cereal.

But then again, a breakfast sandwich sounds pretty kick ass right about now… Or even a regular sandwich…

So, Pizza Hut just sent me an email. Stuffed crust large two topping pizza… for 10 dollars. My god. Such a brilliant deal.

Thing is, I order online so it seems that there is always access to a large two topping pizza for 7.99 and you can have it stuffed crust for 2 dollars more. Which makes it 9.99. If I order it like that, I literally save myself a penny…

Now, that may seem pretty dumb. And it is. However, they basically just sent me an email to tell me that they have a SPECIAL deal for something that I already know about and have done on occasion. They also want a penny more for this information.

Current Time; 11:50. I am drunk. I was drinking as part of a stream for NGParadox. I like him, charming fellow. British, but he’s worth it if you can get past that shitty accent. I went out for pizza… free pizza. Adela didn’t have any. She said she vomited 7 times. Jesus, I hope she’s okay, I just remembered.

I hope she gets better. She doesn’t want pizza. I ate most of it.

I am drubk. Current time is 1am tomorrow. Relly drunk. So drunk that I’m revealing something. Yesterday, I was so tired I bought a candle. Or the day before yesterday? When I went back to work I bought a candle. I bought a candle when I felt on the verge of blacking out from Dollar General and wrote “Esther returns to me” on it. I am so drunk right now. I lit it that night with a lighter nad it’s still burning.

It’s an intention candle. I’m not sure why but I’m placing faith in the universe. I’ve actually prayed if you can believe it. I prayed that Esther would come back into my life. If tht’s not pathetic, I don’t know what is.

Can you believe that? After all this time, I still care for her? And she said I wouldn’t because I’m a narcessist. Fuck her. I love her regardless of what a total bitch she’s been. It won’t help though. There is no power in the universe, but it’s welcome to prove me wrong through delivery of Esther. Are you there, infinite power of the universe? Did you hear my prayers?

I don’t think it did. It gives me hope, though… thinking something divine is looking out for me. I microwaved the remaining too slives of pizza. Finished the stream I as watching, bound to sleep soon. Why do I care so much about her? Why can’t I just move on? This is creepy for her… why am I such a piece of shit?

Whatever. Remind me tomorrow to share some stories about what happene when I bought alcohol. Night

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diaryofahopelessdork · 5 years

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Hello everyone

And.... by everyone I mean no one ... lol

Anyways. Soo I used to write in a paper diary ever since my hell of a breakup just so I can get all my emotions out and not drown in depression ... but now I can’t write in it cause it’s easy to find and my mom almost got to it. But I see to write a lot about what I felt on my main blog. But t I feel like I don’t need to rant on there cause it’s like a happy blog. So imma start on this.

Sooo alittle about me.... I’m Niki and I’m 23.... (almost 24😭). I’ve had a rough 2018. The beginning was good. I was still dating my ex going on 6 years! And then may hit and yea... that’s when hell started. A lot went on between us but I guess he just lost the love and desire he had for me and found it in other people. Which sucked and I couldn’t take it at first. I cried and cried and I felt worthless. I thought I was gonna lose my mind. I constantly hated myself and it was really sucky. I then started school and couldn’t focus. I still fucked around with him... a lot every now and then like an idiot thinking I had something special and I’d pull him back to me.. yea no. Didn’t happen. Then the worst day ever... where he just said he was done. He basically never wanted to be with me again. He said that. I get that breakups suck and this was my first love and my first heartbreak... but just the way everything happened. It sucked. I broke. I had to see a psychologist at school and I was helped by that. I got out of depression and I took some meds for it for a while. I just felt so gross and like I was just good for nothing. I’m not smart, not pretty, not anything.. feeling like that. It sucks. I’m not all the way better but I’m working on it. Anyways... after that mess up I wanted to start fresh... so tht brings me here

2019– this is a new year and I’m going to be positive. I’m leaving my house to move out with my best friend... who a lot of her shit happened with my shit and it was all hell. So that’s for another day.... but I’m confident and getting happy...

I don’t believe in love like I used to.. and it’s sad but man I gave so much and got very little towards the end.. the end where it mattered and I wanted to actually tell my family.. so it’s like the hopeless romantic in me died. And he killed it by stabbing it over and over again. It sucks thinking about it cause even now ... he will never realize what happened to me within those months. When I say shattered I was shattered. Into a billion pieces. I prayed that he would love me... I prayed to make me prettier, I prayed to god knows what asking to not let this hAppen to me... oh man.. crying while writing this.. not good...so anyways moving on.

I’m not saying he is terrible. He was SO AMAZING to me. He made me happy. He made me eat butterflies even till the end. He made me just overall enjoy him and enjoy his laugh and eyes and helped me love ❤️ but I guess something changed and he changed. I still love him. Always and forever will. He will be my first love but we will just never be. We won’t have the kids we talked about it the dogs or the house or the life I dreamt which sucks. But I guess that’s what life is.. and I’ve moved on now.

I don’t have anyone and probably won’t for a while but I’m having fun. I’m enjoying being single... of course I get my days where I cry and wish things were back to what they would have been but it’s just not the same. But I’m glad I’m learning to be stronger and tougher and I know what I want and how I stick up for myself. I still am working hard on my body and it’s good and I’m doing well! I have no meds in me and I’m not feeling like I’m worthless. Thanks to my bestie of course. She’s an amazing human being. ❤️ well that’s all for today...

I ranted about things I didn’t even think I was going to. This is what I love about diaries cause I just type and type till I’m tired and can’t type. No topic or where I’m headed but I love to do it... even tho this one made me cry and I wasn’t suppose to cry lol but It’s okay... I cry sometimes and it’s good ❤️ goodbye diary!

——Stay dorky and hopeless Niki 😘

#breakup

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