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#i probably have some issues
inkskinned · 3 months
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you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
#spilled ink#warm up#can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically#i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason#it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism.#and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out#we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you.#this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism#where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off.#your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell#at the industry - you are probably not listening .#anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit#but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance#> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally#> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field#> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :)#(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice#i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what.#cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men.#so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT.#instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them.#which btw. is like. actual feminism.)
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bizarrelittlemew · 6 months
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calling it right now that season 3 starts like this
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yuri-is-online · 29 days
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Can I request a kind of song fic? You know the song national anthem? The part where it says "red, white, blue is in the sky. Summers in the air, and baby heavens in your eyes". Can I have that with the first 3 dorms? Love your writing!
The familiar tone of cicadas and flushing greens bring about a stereotypical image of summer, and with it the reality of nearly a full year away from your world. No one has said it out loud yet, but it really does look like Twisted Wonderland is going to be your forever home, so it really is time you start thinking about what you want your future to look like...
And someone really seems to want a staring role in it.
I don't listen to Lana at all so I spent a brief moment wondering why someone was requesting I do a song fic based on the American National Anthem. Anyway I listened to the song a few times and came up with an idea, and then another, and another and I am so sorry this took forever. I hope you enjoy. notes: they/them used for Yuu, all scenarios are meant to take place over summer break, and contain a lot of summer themes. Going to the club and making out with Cater, possessive Leona, and mentioned vehicular manslaughter with Floyd. Other than that pretty tame. For other fic please look to my masterlist here.
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Heartslabyul
Riddle
Riddle doesn’t know much about happiness now that he thinks about it.
He assumes he was happy when he played with Trey and Chenya all those years ago, and his mother had always been so insistent that true happiness came from doing well in his school work, and Riddle can say he gets something like happiness from his grades.  But then if that is “happiness” then what is this?  It doesn’t feel like it deserves quite the same word as what he feels like when he gets a good grade, and he certainly doesn’t get the same feeling of “happiness” from Trey as he does from you.  There’s a sting of pain to it that compels him to smile, to stay as close to you as possible when you speak.  
“I’ll miss you when you’re gone.”
That was where the pain had to have come from, but you’re here with him now and he knows you won’t be going back to that great somewhere you had come from and being next to you still hurts.
“Here.”  You tap your metal sparkler ignites his and you smile, wide and free in an attempt to encourage him to enjoy himself.  You must have noticed how tense he is, something that doesn’t change as he tries to force his focus on the sparkler.  It’s simple, short, putting out a bunch of yellow sparks that he swears it shouldn’t have the strength to.  It’s a lot like him, he supposes, he holds it out and up further and watches it spark down, the burnt edges sagging under their own weight as it rages against the night sky and tries to rival the stars.  “Are you going to draw anything?”
“Huh?”  He’s supposed to be having fun.  Are you disappointed in him?  No, you seem to have expected this, you're reaching for new sparklers and fumbling looking for something.
“If you twirl the sparkler through the air it’ll leave light behind.  It looks like drawing shapes.”  You take the risk of nodding towards Ace and Deuce, who he thinks are trying to draw their card suits from how Ace is pointing and Deuce’s face and laughing at the brief flicker of a spade he thinks he sees.  “It won’t stay for long but it’s still fun.”  A lighter, he recognizes the click before he turns back around to you and sees you fumbling with it.  Your hands must be cold, he can’t be happy with that but the strange feeling surges and compels him forward with the gentlest of fires he’s ever conjured.
“You’re the expert, so I’ll trust your advice.”  You jump slightly with the sparks and laughter, saying something he doesn’t hear as he takes his sparkler and joins you in drawing little hearts in the air.  It has to be a silly thing he’s said for you to laugh so much, but he means it so.  If he lets you point out the fun things, he thinks as you toss your second set of spent sparklers into the bucket of water and hold out the next for him to light, he can busy himself with the practical.  And maybe together you can both learn to enjoy that thing called happiness you both don’t know much about.
Trey
“Don’t you think you are being unfair?”  The words come out even though it has got to be pointless to say it; Trey has to know why else would his smile be so “strained,” why else would he be so determined to keep from making eye contact?  And furthermore he has to know you know, that’s why he is standing so close to you despite this new no eye contact rule.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  He continues looping icing in detailed patterns across a particularly complicated cake that you have to stop and stare at in wonder, could you ever get that good?  Trey must have a great deal of patience to do such technical work, shame he has also decided to use that skill to test yours.  You huff and look at your own work, Trey has to know you’ve been looking at him, people can feel the weight of other’s eyes right?  Let’s see how he functions without your attention.
Fine, you assume he’ll be fine, he’s always so unbothered by anything you do.  Cater has always insisted otherwise, but you swear he’s uncaring too. 
“Maybe you should intern at a cake shop.”  You do your best to mimic his voice and he chokes on his laugh, it takes a great deal of strength and perhaps patience that rivals Trey’s own to not turn and look.  His laugh is so genuine you could mistake it for joy.  “That’s what you said.”
“I did, didn't I?  Good advice that.”  His voice is a bit closer now, you try not to think about how that’s possible, you were already working so close to one another how could he get even closer without touching you?  Why do you want him to touch you… 
“Why didn’t you just invite me here?”  That has got to sound more pathetic than it does biting, it certainly feels that way.  “I applied to three separate places, and before I even completed the first line on your little questionnaire I got a call back from them congratulating me on getting hired here.”  Trey doesn’t so much as flinch, you see him in the corner of your eye, pretending to adjust his glasses and inspect your work.
“Maybe I wanted some plausible deniability.”  He’s so sincere you finally look at him and only sort of regret it when you see his triumphant smile.  “But someone got a bit too excited about a friend from NRC finally visiting and chased everyone else off.”  You snort.
“I can’t imagine Cater’s never wanted to come here, what with how he talked it up so much.”
“He has mentioned it once or twice.”  Trey adjusts a strawberry on a cupcake next to you, out of nerves more than need as he wonders over how to word what he wants to stay next.  “But I am glad you decided to come.  I was worried you would say no.”  You snort and Trey laughs slightly as he watches you squirm in indignance and tries not to focus on your lower lip’s quiver.
“Why on earth would I say no?  I’ve been curious about this place since forever.”  There’s flour on your apron he wants to smear on your face as an excuse to touch you and ignore the aching annoyance in his chest.  I don’t want you to be curious about the shop, everyone is.  I want you to be curious about me.
“Well there are more interesting ways to spend your summer than next to an oven.”  He says it nonchalantly as his thumb lingers on your nose just a bit longer than it should and your annoyance fades in place of something he doesn’t know but wants to oh so badly.
“Well maybe I just didn’t have anything better to do.”  He loves how pretend annoyed you get with him, the way your nose twitches and your eyes dart to look anywhere but him.  “And maybe I’ll not have anything better to do this winter or next summer either.”  He loves the security he has to indulge in those little things, even if you can’t ever go back to your old home.
“Oh?  That’s a real shame.”  He finally moves his thumb down your cheek and curls his fingers just under your chin to force you to look at him, to beg you to see a new possibility in his eyes.  “I can fix that.”
Cater
Cater inviting you places wasn’t a new thing, but you had really expected it to become an old one once he hit his fourth year and didn’t constantly see you irl and have to pretend he was as invested in your friendship as you were.  Was that a cruel thing to think?  Sure.  Did you hate yourself for it?  Absolutely.  Was it partially a product of your overwhelming fear of the consequences of opening up to someone with abandonment issues when you were all but guaranteed to permanently abandon him in a way that was so much worse than any of his previous friends?
Well now you were just being way too serious for the type of trip you were currently on.  You’ve never seen so many flashing lights outside of a nightmare but Cater certainly looks like he’s having the time of his life on the dance floor with Lilia and Kalim while you sit next to Trey being “boring” in the corner.  Not that you shouldn’t be at the club, you've just got a lot on your mind and no place to think it. 
“You don’t have to sit here with me if you want to.”  You apologize and Trey laughs, surprisingly not at all awkward.
“I’d make a total fool of myself, and I don’t want to end up on magicam being called someone’s dad.  Again.”  He swirls his drink in his hand and you look down at yours; you’re at a beach if you didn’t remember because of the stray sand in your shoes you would know by the little umbrella in your cup and the cheekily unbuttoned hawaiian shirt that displays the beads around Cater’s neck as he makes sure to fill your entire vision and steal your breath.
“Yuuuuu, c’mon dance with me.”  He grabs both your hands in his, intertwining your fingers and pulling out to the floor with the force of his voice as much as his grip.  “Can’t let you stay in the corner allll night, I’d be a bad senior!”  You think you hear Kalim and Lilia say something to Trey, but Cater’s so close to you, you can’t really hear anything, not even the music or the last call from the bar that sends you and your friends into the street stumbling back towards the hotel Kalim had insisted on booking.  “They’re certainly having fun.”  Cater hasn’t  let go of your hand, thumb circling your palm before finally resting nearby your pulse point.  “Sort of a shame to call it quits now.”  So he says but you can see the night’s been getting to him.  
“If you need a break I don’t think anyone will blame you.”  You squeeze his hand and a little of Cay Cay’s smile returns to Cater’s face as he squeezes back.  “Do you want me to let you sleep when we get back to the rooms?”  
He doesn’t respond immediately.  Those serious thoughts from before bring you back to reality and you finally see how far behind you’ve lagged from the rest of your group.  
“I want to hear your voice.”  The dull fear of abandonment snakes through you both and coaxes out Cater’s words he’d probably wouldn’t have ever said if you weren’t staying and he was completely sober.  It hitches in your breath as he looks at you, Cater’s real unguarded smile on his face as he lets the boardwalk lights shade him in their perfectly imperfect artificial shine.  “I want to hear you say we’re besties out loud again, I want it to be real.  Because I’m mad I screwed things up before thinking you’d be gone when you’re so desperately real.”  You wave the others on ahead, they shake their heads with knowing looks as you stop and lean into Cater, pressing your foreheads together and staring deep into each other’s eyes searching for something neither wants to admit was always there.  “You don’t deserve to be stuck here.”
“You don’t deserve to be stuck in your own head.”  He flinches and you reach to touch his cheek, could you kiss him here?  Would that be moving too fast?  “I’ll be just fine, Cater.”  
“But I want to keep you stuck here with me.”  He mumbles, and makes the move to kiss for you.  Your arms move around his neck and your hands thread through his hair, pulling him close as he never dared to be.
You’ve got all sorts of things you want to say out loud, just for him to hear.
Ace
“It’s so hot.”  Whines Grim, his bright smirk completely betraying his intent as you try not to sigh too loudly as you look over the prices at this ice cream stand Ace had convinced you to check out.  “I reeeeeally wish we had an ice cream sundae right now, don’t you hench human?”  
“You already had half a watermelon earlier,” you mutter “if I get you a whole sundae you might get sick.”  He won’t.  Grim almost never gets sick.  You’ve seen him eat and rank literal dirt.  But still you already are going to be carrying back the groceries Ace’s mom asked for and didn’t need something difficult to carry.  Thankfully there always seems to be something for cats in the Queendom of Roses because the seller helpfully pipes up that he has a tuna flavored push pop that Grim immediately begs for instead.
You consider getting the same one for Ace, but his childish joy when you pass him a cherry popsicle before opening your own is almost worth the missed joke.  “Aww nice, about time you paid me back for everything I do for you.”  Almost.  You roll your eyes and take your share of the grocery bags, half heartedly fighting for Ace to let you take more of them.  He won’t let you, nodding towards Grim in way of an excuse as if the little monster ever lets you take his paw.  He’s been doing a lot of things like that while you’ve been staying with his family, it’s actually been sort of nice.  There has been a sort of domestic give and take between you two for a long time now that you think about it, probably since the first time he tried to sneak his way into your bed, that has translated into something like a routine.  His family has been nice enough not to say anything about it but you know they see it too.  “Hey you have work tomorrow right?”
“Yeah.”  You try to blink your way back to a more normal state of mind.  “Do you want me to bring you back anything?”
“Nah I’ll just text you if I think of something when I’m on my way to pick you up.”  Ace says it so nonchalantly you have to wonder what old Ace would say.  The one who made fun of you for not having magic and ditched a girlfriend without saying anything for being boring, or did you never actually know that guy and got lucky enough to meet the ace of hearts instead?  
“Ya don’t always gotta walk them.”  Grim snorts, unimpressed as always in a way that never fails to make you smile.  “Yuu isn’t gonna disappear!  Headmage said they were here to stay.”  Ace rolls his eyes and you laugh.  For some reason he never fails to take bait from Grim.
“That’s not what it’s about, dummy, walking alone is dangerous.”
“Yeah Grim,” you teasingly scratch his little head “besides the only one who isn’t going to be around forever is Ace.”  
“Do you really think I won’t be around forever?”  Ace actually looks offended, sounds it too and you find yourself indignant.
“You’ve got to have a life eventually.”  You shrug.  “Deuce and me, school, that doesn’t last forever.”   “You can be a part of that life too you know?!”  It’s not the closest to a confession you’ve ever gotten from Ace, but it’s certainly the loudest.  “Look, I get you’ve got a lot going on in your mind right now, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.  I’ll sit outside that door waiting for you to be ready, and I’ll still be there even if that day never comes.  If you’re really in trouble I’ll bust down that door, just because you’re forced to be here doesn’t mean you’re alone.”  You wait.  You wait for the back track, the joke, the step back into the comfort of the friend zone but it doesn’t come.  He looks you in your eyes and keeps walking forward towards home.  “You have me, you know?”  You’ve always had me.
Deuce
Sometimes you forget how abnormal Deuce is.  Probably because it’s a normal sort of abnormality, if any such thing exists, that doesn’t involve magic or monsters and you would have been able to wrap your mind around no matter what time and place you had met in.  But that doesn’t mean Deuce is not capable of doing or saying things that surprise you.
“Let’s make a pillow fort.”  He says, the familiarity of his joy the only thing that’s keeping you from screaming about his words.  “I’ve never made one before, it’ll be fun!”
“Oh I refuse to believe that.”  You laugh but refuse to protest, Ace isn’t here to bring down the mood and there’s no way Grim would deny something that he thinks is guaranteed to involve popcorn from the few times you’ve camped out in the Ramshackle Lounge and watched TV together.  And to be fair that’s also your plan for tonight, Deuce has a bunch of movies he’s been determined to show you since you agreed to stay over for the Summer.
“Well maybe back when I was a kid with my mom.”  He certainly has enough blankets for it, but then what self respecting house doesn’t have a few extras?  “I’ve never had a friend stay over before…”  If you were in a different mood, if his flushed face wasn’t so cute, you might tease about how you had been here before with Epel, Ortho, and Silver but there’s a tone to the way he says friend.  It’s the way he makes sure to lie as close to you as possible in your little fort and watches you as much as the movie that tells you that he feels, even if he doesn’t think, that this is somehow different.  “Have you?”  He asks it late, as the credits roll on your third or fourth movie and Grim snores.  “I thought maybe we could do something normal for once, but I forgot to ask.”  You laugh and roll your head onto his shoulder and allow yourself to really think about things.
“Thank you.”  It’s the first thought you have, surprising you both.  But should it?  There’s something warm and comforting about being with Deuce.  Natural even.  “I can’t say I’m happy but I feel closer to home than I have in a while.”  Deuce squeezes your hand and rests his head on top of yours.
“I’m glad.  I- know I shouldn’t be but I am sort of happy you’re still here.”  He wants to say he’s happy you are staying, but he knows he can’t.  It would be too cruel and Deuce knows he can’t really understand the depth of what you’ve lost or make up for it with sleep overs or movie nights.  But he does so want to try.  “I promise I’ll do my best to make your time here worth it, I meant what I said during Starsending.  I want you to be there when I get my badge, I want to make you proud of me too.”  
“I’d say I’ll be the loudest in the room but I’ve met your mom.”  You sleepily quip and he laughs.  “And I’m already proud of you, Deucey.”  His half open mouth freezes, his thanks stuck in the softness of your voice as he wills himself to sleep to sear the sound into his brain.
“Sweet dreams, Yuu.”  He’ll make this a summer worth having, he swears it.
Savanaclaw
Leona
“You cannot have driven me out here just to nap.”  Leona’s head is heavy and warm in your lap in stark contrast to the cool greenery that shades you from the rest of the palace.
“Can’t I?”  He opens his eyes to look up at you with a gleam that’s just so smug it makes your heart flutter in what you have to work very hard to convince yourself is annoyance.  “Because I could have sworn I just did.”
You aren’t sure why Leona invited you.  That one time you had visited the Savannah before had been because Grim demanded, not because he wanted you there.  Or at least that’s what you had thought but this time you had received an invitation, and though it had been worded more like a demand (must be a cat thing) it had been surprisingly thoughtful in its accommodations.  Grim certainly had been happy enough to accept on your behalf even before Crowley had agreed to let you go.
“I’m just surprised you would want anyone with you to nap at all.”  You had been afraid to touch him when you saw him, but you swear he wants you to play with his hair with how he purposely spreads it out, like he’s displaying for you.  “I thought you’d be happy to be rid of me.”
“Maybe I would have been.”  His bluntness is only dulled by its predictability, there’s something almost relieving about it if you’re honest.  Everyone has been so insistent on saying they are happy you have stayed and just as eager to avoid talking about the specifics that worry you.  Not Leona, he keeps his green eyes focused on you, striking right at the heart of things.  “But you aren’t half as annoying as everyone else, even if you could stand to fight for yourself a bit more.  Why do you think I invited you here anyway?”
“...so your family wouldn’t bother you about your duties?”  He laughs, loud and free and so forceful he shakes your entire body with its pride.
“Well you’re half right.”  He reaches up and pulls you down, rolling to the side so you’re lying in the bit of ground he’s warmed and caged in the safety of his arms with nowhere to run from the obvious truth.  “You’re here because I want you to be.”  The way he says it, the touch of his forehead against yours and the lull of his heartbeat, it’s like he’s daring you to think of your entire existence in Twisted Wonderland in terms of him and him alone.  And he knows it, he has to he’s too smart to word his sayings in a way that would misconstrue his meaning.  “What’s that shit you herbivores are always yammering on about?  ‘Finding your family?’  Well I found you so you’re going to stay right?”
“Are you offering me citizenship, your majesty?”  Because you have to make this a bit of a joke otherwise you’ll let him in on just how much power over you he really has.
“I’m offering you a home.”  He’s surprisingly serious.  “It’s dark, a bit shit, but you already like those sorts of places if your dorm is anything to go by.  And you’re so annoyingly sunny I’m sure it’ll perk right up when you settle yourself in.”  Just like he does as you move to hide your face in his chest, your breaths matching in the safe lull of slumber under the jungle’s starry sky.
Ruggie
“Man, I love Summer!  People are just so much freer with their cash, y’know shishishishi.”  Ruggie cackles as he settles himself into a booth, still somehow full of energy despite the day you’ve both had while you slump across from him.  “Peak tourism season means loads of opportunities for work!”
“I know Leona said this place was popular but I guess I didn’t realize just how much.”  Ruggie had been so proud to show you this barbeque place after your first night working at the resort with him, and you had been more than happy to know it on nights like this when you had worked overtime meeting some really pushy customers' needs for what felt like way too little money.  Even though this gig paid pretty well some people just weren’t worth shit, something Ruggie knows all too well.
“Yeah, nothing on Sage’s Island ever gets this busy.  You holding up ok?”  Ruggie’s always like this while he’s on the job, you try to tell yourself he doesn’t mean too much by it, that he’s just checking up on you from a place of mutual understanding but it still feels good.  Good enough that the smile you manage is genuine.
“Surprisingly, yeah.”  You could really do with some more sleep than you are going to get when you return to Grim tonight, but then you always could.  “What about you?  You always look twice as busy as me and that’s saying something.”
“Aww, you worried about little old me?  Kiiinda weird Yuu!  I’m the senior here, I'm more used to this.”  He’s the same smug Ruggie, brimming with enough confidence and infectious determination that perks you up just a bit.  Or maybe it’s the fact your food’s come and you are determined to snatch up the utensils and cook before Ruggie can and use it as an excuse to keep all the best cuts for himself.  He doesn’t jump to fight you tonight though, instead he looks contemplative.  “Hey, are you sure you’re ok with how you spent your Summer?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”  The meat sizzles on the grill, dampening the seriousness of the conversation with its pops, and Ruggie tries to focus on it but it’s clear he has been thinking about this for a while.
“Well, my invitation was kinda late.  I was really surprised you didn’t want to spend your Summer hanging out with your friends.”  You don’t say anything immediately, wondering how best to respond to someone who, admittedly, has never really admitted to being your friend despite you both regularly flirting with that and a much deeper concept.  
“I mean I do.”  It’s best to be honest with him, he won’t accept anything else even if it hurts to see you refuse to look at him as you flip the meat to cook its other side and continue thinking out loud.  “But I’m going to be stuck here forever, I want to get a head start on some security.  I can’t live in Ramshackle forever.  And besides…”  It’s best to be honest with him, you reassure yourself as you take a deep breath and give him the cut you know he’ll like best and stare deep into his eyes.  “I was happy to hear from you and get a chance to see you again sooner.”  His ears twitch and his eyes widen, words fumble out of his mouth without any real meaning as you both silently agree to table the conversation and eat your meal.  The best meals aren’t rushed, and the best connections allow themselves the time they need to grow.  You know you’ll both be ok, you promise yourself you will make sure of it.
Jack
“Jack, what is this thing again?”  You ask slightly exasperated, not with the product or with him, just yourself for still not remembering the types of snack foods available in a basic convenience store after a whole school year in this world.  For once, Jack doesn’t complain or pretend he doesn’t want to help, just dutifully walks over and looks at the package before putting it back on the shelf.
“It’s a type of chip, you liked this flavor better.”  He adds it to his basket and you sigh, mutter an apology Jack doesn’t acknowledge verbally, instead touching your thigh gently with his tail.  “Is there anything else you want to bring back to Sage’s Island with you?  If you don’t remember until you get back…”  I won’t send it to you.  That’s what he wants to say, but he cuts himself off before he can.  He can see your mind auto filling it in as you think, and he curses himself silently.  What a fool he’d been, “I won’t need to do that I’ll just know” he hadn’t counted on lying to himself about how he felt.  His mother had, she’d even laughed about it when he had tried to stumble around asking to let you visit.
“A soulmate is something you work for, Jack.  It’s not given to you, you have to earn it.”
Jack likes to think he works hard.  His grades are good, he’s in great shape, his unique magic is truly a gift and he isn’t taking it for granted but you.  You’ve got two separate drinks held up to the light, neither of them are exclusive to the Shaftlands.  You could get them at Sam’s any time but you are squinting as if you have truly never seen them before and he guesses that’s because it’s true.  Why is it so hard to just speak to you?  Is it because you're human?
“If you want something limited, those are over here.”  He takes what you were looking at anyway.  “My sister really likes this one.”  I think you will too, it’s a lot like what you get from the vending machines.  You nod and add it to the basket, turning towards the canned goods and insisting on getting some “fancy” tuna for Grim with a smile that stirs his soul and reassures him of what Jack knows is true even if he can’t speak about it.
“You think he’d notice even if it was different?”  You are shaking your head as you look at the can, making jokes but not bothering to pretend you don’t care.  It’s maddening, how bright you shine for those you care about and how little he can do to give that shine back to you.
“You can’t tell him how much it costs, otherwise he will insist it is.”  That works, you laugh and his tail goes crazy, unable to hide how important your laughter is to him.  I love you.  That’s what he wants to say.  “You should come back next summer.”  But he doesn’t, he rubs his neck and looks at the shelves and thinks it so loud he swears his heart is halfway out of his chest.  There’s a soft look in your eyes that he wants to think says you hear it, but he knows that he can’t take it as an excuse.  Next summer I’ll say it.  I’ll say it every day that you’re here, I promise.  Your smile is everything he needs.
“I look forward to it.”
Octavinelle
Azul
There’s a picture on your phone you don’t think you were meant to see, but magicam lets you delete photos and Azul hasn’t done that yet.  It’s been an hour, the little opened notification sits there taunting you both but still he doesn’t do anything.  Not send a follow up message or delete the photo or anything and FINALLY you’ve had enough so you do something beyond reckless.
You call him.  And he answers.
“Prefect!  Always a pleasure to hear from you.”  Azul sounds so infuriatingly put together you want to die.  You bet he’s sat in some sort of fancy office, leaning back with a smug look on his face while you hug a pillow close to your chest, still in your pajamas seething with nerves over his little mistake.  “Is there something I can do for you?”
“Did you mean to send me a picture of your menu for orientation?”  You cringe at how upset you sound, because you really aren’t exactly.  It’s silly to hope Azul would talk to you over the summer at all, and if he did of course it would be about business.  That’s what talking with Azul is always about.  “Oh and hello I guess.”  But it still pays to be polite if for no other reason than the melodic laughter that you get to hear at what you're sure Azul sees as a cute mistake.
“I would have called you if I hadn’t.”  He sounds like he is reassuring a child, but still pauses to keep you off your game before he continues.  “I was expecting you to give your opinions on it, you have to have some don’t you?”  
“Not for free.”  You snort and he laughs again, slightly more awkwardly this time and you wish you could say that you didn’t feel bad, that you were as cold and calculated as the sea but neither of you are really.  It isn’t wrong to want something is it?  Azul is pro-greed, so surely he would understand you teasing him a bit to keep him in your life for just a bit longer.  “Do you need my opinion for something?”
“Just to hear it.”  Azul has a way of being so damnably dismissive about things it drives you insane.  Just once you want to hear him say- “Besides, it’s been a while since we talked and I thought it would be a good ice breaker.”  You choke on your own thoughts and almost break your jaw trying to keep him from hearing.  “You’ll be there I trust?”
“Orientation?”  Your throat hurts and it shows in your voice, that stupid octopus has got to be so smug right now it would be so insufferable to look at.  You definitely aren’t thinking about it and it definitely isn’t making your struggle to breathe worse.  “Or the Lounge?  Because it’s not like I’ll have anything to do really if you want help or something… I am sort of curious about those house themed drinks, that's a stupid good idea for an orientation by the way.”
“I knew you’d get it!”  Azul sounds so excited it’s almost pure.  “You’ll have to come by beforehand so I can show you how to make them, it took so much time to get the correct flavor pallet for the Savanaclaw and Ignihyde ones you have no idea-”  
And just like that he has you, he has you!  You’re listening and talking to him through all of his explanations, probably sitting somewhere under a tree well put together with Grim on your lap and… smiling he hopes?  While he is curled into a small ball in his room trying to pretend he knew this would work out exactly like he wanted the whole time.
You’ll be there.  When the bell strikes and the mirror opens its gaze on NRC once again he won’t have to be nostalgic for flames and mayhem because you will be there.  And this time he swears he’ll catch you for good.
Jade
It’s the last day of school and yet you have nothing to pack and nothing to do.  The usual excitement that accompanies the final freedom of summer is sort of lost in that void of being unable to go home, and as ashamed as you are to admit it you think you’ll go crazy if you don’t have anywhere to go next summer.  You already felt so overwhelmingly lonely when you first got the news, and you have heard these things get better but it doesn’t feel like it will.  Even the knock at your door fills you with dread, you don’t want to ruin Ace and Deuce’s excitement with your bad mood.  But that’s not what you see when you open your door.
“Hello prefect.”  Jade Leech is tall, so tall he fills up the frame with his stiff figure that you always have noticed for how proper it is but today he seems even more rigid than usual.  Guarded is the word you would use if you could ever picture him being afraid of you.  “May I come in?”  You nod and shut the door behind you both, your idle curiosity drowning out the danger signs as neither of you move or speak.  Jade’s hands stay folded in front of him, yours stay at your sides as you wait.  Wait wait wait for what you don’t know, hadn’t the twins told you they visited their parents over this break?  His mother sounded lovely, why would he want to keep her waiting?  “I was wondering…”  He closes his eyes and brings his hand up to his chin as if he is deep in thought but it reads more like it is taking a lot out of him to say what he wants to “Would you be interested in climbing Mount Moln with me sometime?”  Your breath catches in your throat, the memories of your trip to Harveston still somewhat fresh and inviting in their domesticity.  You hadn’t thought he would remember that little conversation you’d had, but he does.  His wide smile when he opens his eyes to see your fluster screams it’s haunted his dreams as much as it has yours.  “I do seem to recall you expressed a desire to climb it, and since you will be staying with us for the foreseeable future I thought I would take my chance on the proposal.”  Did he have to word it like that?  It’s doing things to your heart.
“I did say that, didn't I?”  You try to center yourself by closing your eyes, it’s always a bad thing to appear desperate around him but your mind insists on remembering.  The feel of the snow, the smell of the woods and the bonfires, and of Jade whether he would believe you or not.  Of the excitement in his voice when he named all the plants he knew, of the funny look on his face when his sled misbehaved, so passive as if it was happening to someone else and not him.  And of the shiver of excitement at his ideas on how to sabotage the other team, whispered quietly in your ear so as not to alert Epel in an effort to convince you of his position.  Or maybe now that you look at him he just wanted the excuse to be close.  “Yes.  Yes.  I would like that very much.”  Jade’s smile stretches to something as dangerous as it is thrilling as he takes his long desired excuse and closes the gap. “I will see you next week then.  Make sure to pack your things.”  You splutter and he takes a deep breath to savor the look as he traces your cheek and takes your weak protests in stride.  He never did say you would be going to Mount Moln this summer, you need to train after all.  Jade Leech intends to take his time with you, assuming you’ll let him of course.
Floyd
“Hehe Floyd and shrimpy, drivin to the beeeeach.  What’ll they do?”  
“Stay in their lane and watch the road.”  Crewel has to have added a “fuck” in there that he didn’t voice if his death grip on the car’s grab handle is anything to go by, and if you are honest you wish he had, it would make this whole experience much more bearable.  You have opted to hold Grim instead, prayer was also an option but that wouldn’t keep Grim from trying to harass Floyd.  He’s laughing now, saying something to Professor Crewel you can’t quite place, maybe adding a new verse to his little song that admittedly sounds kind of catchy.  Floyd has a very nice voice you swear he only ever uses to make fun of people, not that you could see him ever doing anything with it since that would take too much repetitive work.  “Pull off the exit here and make sure to park WITHIN the lines this time.”  Crewel snaps and you find yourself finally at a merciful stop, and unable to free yourself and Grim from your seatbelts fast enough under the guise of “getting your things” from the trunk.  
You aren’t fast enough to avoid Floyd.  He’s there as soon as you open the trunk, tell tale smirk on his face.
“Well shrimpy?  I’m waitin’”  He’s giggling, the only thing that’s keeping him from kicking his feet is their need to be on solid ground to keep him upright.
“You suck.”  You say completely deadpan without a hint of irony.  “Congratulations I didn’t know anybody could do it that bad.  Why did you want to try learning to drive again?  They don’t have cars under the sea do they?”  Floyd seems amused by your attempt to steam past your little insults, choosing to ignore them for now and shrug as he takes the umbrellas out of the car and closes it.  
“It seemed fun.  Beakerfish is always goin on about ‘em and Pops says they get stupid expensive.  Why’s that huh?  You humans sure do like buying shit just to break it.”  He doesn’t move immediately, like he’s waiting for something and determined to block your way until he gets it.  So you take a deep breath and lie to yourself that it’s just this one answer.
“Floyd, most people don’t wreck their cars on purpose.”  It should be the most obvious thing in the world, but still he doesn’t move.  His smile gets wider and his eyes blaze with determined focus, for some reason he gets closer to you, one hand resting above you on the car to loosely cage you against it.  He has to know what he’s doing here too, Floyd’s a lot but he’s not stupid. “Aww really, shrimpy?  There’s so many movies and games ‘bout it you’d think that’s the whole point of havin’ em.”  He giggles exactly like he does before moving in with a squeeze, bending to whisper in your ear as if Crewel isn’t just on the other side of the vehicle still holding that damn crop and just looking for an excuse to strike.  “That’s not all they do in the movies though, huh Yuu?  Maybe I wanna take you someplace nice,quiet, and all alone for once~”  And just like he’s gone, back to bothering your professor who you know is chastising himself for agreeing to chaperone this trip while you try desperately to catch your breath.
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stealingyourbones · 2 months
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Today is the second time I’ve found a bone in fast food chicken nugget esque items.
When will my curse of finding bones in unsuspecting things end.
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realbeefman · 7 months
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stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!
wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end
#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh#some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2#recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person#and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety#like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that#my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms#UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child#so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had#a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time#which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem!#its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it#and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome'#instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems!#anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now!#house md#hilson#greg house#james wilson#stacy warner
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whoever this beloved anon was I am so touched by your kindness! You definitely didn’t have to do this but I am so happy you enjoy this idea and I will happily expand upon it for you!
this is just a collection of word vomit bullet points for the time being but I will happily answer any and all questions about this pair!!
warnings: violence, angst, child death (Sarah Miller), foul language, the same warnings that apply to tlou, reader is Sarah's mom and described as having similar features to her. 
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So the general Idea is that you and Joel are happily married before the outbreak. 
You had been Sarah's mother, his high school sweetheart he got pregnant when neither of you were old enough to have any reaction to the pregnancy test other than a fucking panic attack in one another’s arms. but you made it work 
you both worked but made time for one another and your sweet girl, going to museums every other weekend and joel insisting on swooping you off for a date every now and then 
nothing special. He knows you’re more of a diner gal than anything too fancy that makes you both feel out of place. 
On his birthday in 2003, you had planned to tell him that you were pregnant again. But the memories of your own fears of motherhood from all those years ago begin to swirl through your head again and you get cold feel. deciding to tell him the morning after
it is his birthday afterall, you want to focus on him. 
but when you’re woken up in the middle of the night because tommy needs to get bailed out, Joel kisses you sweetly one last time before promising he’ll be back and you can’t shake the feeling that something bad is happening. 
its you that shakes sarah awake that night. shouting at her to put on her shoes when she’s still rubbing the sleep from her eyes because you’ve been listening to the radio for the past two hours, calling joel again and again and again praying for him to fucking pick up but to no avail. 
Sarah, bless your little girl’s bleeding heart is the one who insists you check on the adler’s against your better suspicions and when you find the eldest looming over her daughter, blood and sinew dripping from her mouth, you grab your daughter hand and burst into a full sprint until something slams into your back and sends you tumbling onto their front lawn
its how joel finds you, struggling to keep the once sweet old woman, whose now nothing more than dead eyes and gnashing teeth straining to snap at your pulse point as you push against her while sarah shrieks before your husband runs forward and cracks her skull with a wrench. 
there’s hardly a moment of pause, just enough for him to pull you up and into his arms before he’s ushering you both into the car with an urgency. 
when the truck crashes, you get separated from them. Perhaps at Tommy’s side when the flames rise and create a wall, separating you from your husband, or maybe pulled into the mob of chaos when trying to escape from those already infected-
all joel knows is that you promise you’ll find him: just get sarah to safety and you’ll meet him at the river
Poor thing is already so frightened, held in her father’s arms with tears streaming down her face insisting they can’t leave you they just can’t but her father kisses her forehead and reassures her its going to be okay 
“we just need to be brave, okay babygirl? Your mama’s real tough, she’s gonna be alright.” 
he isn’t sure if he’s saying it to his daughter or himself. 
but when he comes to the river you aren’t there. Only a soldier who points a gun at the scared little girl in his arms and then he loses everything
its when the light is gone from his daughter’s eyes that he realizes. His voice cracked and raw from sobbing that he looks around to see his brother with drawn in shoulders and tears in his eyes but his wife is nowhere to be found. 
Tommy says you got lost in the chaos. Everything was so loud, so sudden that he turned around and suddenly you weren’t there. 
Joel wants to go back but its Tommy that stops him, that dulls the red in his vision to a sad faded pink because his brother points at the orange horizon not too far from them, so much of the city is already in flames. 
“We’re gonna find her, but not there.” 
So Joel searches. for the first year spent in the world post-outbreak its all he did. 
He became a smuggler because of it. 
Information came at a price and he needed to be able to fucking pay it, whether it be in blood or ration cards. He was willing to do anything to find you or any thin thread that lead your way. 
But it’s Tommy that asks him to give up. Not in those words of course. 
The youngest Miller knows better than to say something so cruel that would make his brother, the only person he has in this world turn on him. 
But his voice is worried when he asks him one night in Boston when he hasn’t even had the chance to wash the blood from his knuckles 
“You think she would have wanted this for you?” 
the fight that followed his words was brutal. Vicious insults and scarred fists slamming against each brother until they're both too tired and bloody to continue. Each leaning against a wall for support and Tommy’s wavering voice breaking the silence. 
“I don’t know where she is, Joel. But I do know you're gonna get yourself killed if you keep lookin’ for her.” 
All he can do is nod. 
It’s a few days later when he meets Tess. Who has heard plenty of stories about the elder miller’s brutality and wants him to put that muscle to good use for some extra profit. 
It begins his new life. One that empty and cold but one he can live. 
Until of course, Ellie comes along. The sweet and incredibly opinionated girl that makes him become something akin to the man he thought died twenty years ago. 
its when he’s traveling with Ellie, that it happens. When a warm familiarity has settled between the two because so much blood and pain has been shared he can’t help but see her as something close, something bright even though all he can force himself to utter in her reference is “cargo” 
when theyre traveling through the woods as Ellie chatters away, probing his memory about a movie that may or may not have existed thirty years ago because her descriptions of the plot are incredibly odd he hears a voice shout for them to stop and finds himself staring at a man- no, a boy- pointing a gun at them. 
Ellie stills, but Joel can see enough to know that from the lanky figure and dimpled face that he’s young. Maybe twenty, twenty-two at the oldest, but his eyes dart from Joel to Ellie with a pinprick of fear that allows Joel the time to charge forward and slam him to the ground before wrestling the gun from his hands. 
He has enough to time to tuck it under the stranger’s chin before he hears the sound of the safety being turned off and finds himself looking up and seeing a gun just inches from his face. 
Joel’s head whips around when Ellie’s voice calls out his name in fear, he turns to see another stranger holding her a gun point, shoulders drawn back and a shadow cast over their face by the had obstructing their identity. 
“You hurt one of mine, I hurt one of yours. That a fair deal?” 
Its takes him a moment to recognize you. It’s been so long since he’s heard your voice, the sweet tease when you would poke at him each time he woke up late despite the fact that you reminded him to set his alarm the night before, the times you’d chide him with a harsh “Joel Miller!” whispered in public anytime he was able to grab you a bit too passionately to be appropriate in public but the laughter in your voice let him know you were never truly mad at him. You didn’t know how to be. 
But that sweetness is buried under a cold rasp that cuts through the air as you point a rifle at the scared little girl in front of you.
“You think I won’t?” You’re older now, skin covered in scars from a life he didn’t know you got the chance to live and your eyes are cold as they regard your husband. “Put the gun down and get the fuck off of him, I won’t repeat myself.” 
Joel mumbles your name in awe. The woman he loved, the woman he mourned the one he fought so hard to find stands before him like some sort of hallucination and suddenly the world feels like its spinning until you bark orders at him again. 
“You’ve got five seconds Joel, make a fucking choice before I make it for you.” 
He looks down and realizes the boy under him, the one with the bleeding nose and snarling face has your eyes and his dimples. 
“One.” 
The one above him has Sarah’s hair. Soft brown curls that shine under the sun. 
“Two”
Wait. No, they both do.
“Three.” 
Twins. Jesus fucking Christ you had twins. 
“Four.” 
Joel holds the rifle up above his head and the one boy standing snatches it from his grasp, tossing it to the ground and kicking it far from his reach. He slowly stands, allowing your son- dear god your son- to scramble to his feet. 
Your voice softens just for a moment. “You okay, Duke?” 
Blood stains the bottom half of his face from where Joel slammed his fist into the boy’s nose just moments before, but he nods nonetheless. 
Now, they both stand on one side of you and he can see the resemblance clear as day the same way he would whenever Sarah was by your side.
When you order him to hand over his bag, he does so without question before telling Ellie to do the same. 
She watches him with wide eyes, her hands still up in the air but gaping at her companion as if he had grown a second head. 
“Joel!” “Just do it, alright?”
He doesn’t miss the way you watch their interaction with narrowed eyes until she tosses her bag to you and you slowly lower your gun. 
“Now, you want to tell me what the fuck you think you’re doin’ at my home?” 
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#i had an idea of something similar for tommy but on outbreak night he uh. abandons you instead of getting separated from you#because. angst :D#people say nice things#this was incredibly generous of you anon thank you so so much!#i may get myself a little starbucks drink this week now because I havent had starbucks since like january 1st lol#joel reeling from taking in all this information and also realizing he suckerpunched HIS OWN KID#id like to apologize for all the grammatical issues with this. this is just a bulletpoint word vomit to get my thoughts on the page before-#-beginning the actual fic. also I have to do a midterm tonight and this is my treat to myself hehe#but yes. joel getting separated from his wife on outbreak night and having to accept that shes probably dead#meanwhile youve lived this entire life without him because you think HES dead ad raising your boys all on your own#which just- further digs into his insecurities about failing in his role as a protector#he couldn't save sarah. he can't save ellie and he couldn't even save you#he thinks about you pregnant and alone. fending for yourself in a world full of infected and raiders and his chest grows tight again#this is all followed by Ellie going >:O 'you KNOW THIS PSYCHO?'and then joel immediately snapping at her to WATCH HER MOUTH#because that kid has no filter and he has to explain that youre his wife#anyways joels wife is a badass mfer who also maybe has a little garden and some chickens that you and your boys take care of <3 yeah .#reunion tag#ill be using that for this specific couple because I dont have a fic title yet but if anybody has suggestions!
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non-un-topo · 11 months
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Thinking about the sniper duo
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Howdy's rainbow suspenders.
thank you for coming to my Ted Talk-
#im so mad i didnt notice On Stream hnggggg#characters who have rainbows associated with them: eddie / frank / sally / now howdy as well#please refer to eddie's tie. the butterfly on frank's door. sally's house. howdy's suspenders. thankyew#HE'S FRUITY! I SWEAR TO GOD#listen . Listen.#'oh the filters/light is just affecting the black-'#okay then why is frank wearing black thats entirely unaffected. why is barnaby's nose unaffected. why is howdy's BELT unaffected#why are the colors on his suspenders in Blatant Rainbow Order.#huh. explain it to me. make it make sense other than HE'S QUEER? HOWDY PILLAR LOVES MEN I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL#AND YOU'RE DYING ON IT WITH ME-#ok ok. sorry. normal. im Normal#godddd i just. That Image. from the commercial comp#the way he has a bit of a prominent blush. the way he's leaning towards barn. the rainbow suspenders#absolutely unprompted#howdy pillar#the way that the only times we've gotten something of howdy Without barn making an appearance was#the howdy-sally / howdy-eddie / howdy-poppy / that one makeship ad#laughingstock is so real. oh its so real-#(probably one-sided or barn just has some internalized issues to work through - or they both do - but. But.)#hey! put the gun away! i dont need to be put down! i swear im mentally stable!#im So mentally stable? ive been in the trenches since day one?#wh. what do you mean thats... huh? shhh dont worry about it im fine we're fine and i called it months ago- PUT THE GUN DOWN#anyway no i havent just been staring at that housewarming image. no i havent. Swearsies
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carrotkicks · 2 months
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Your Cupid!Chuuya makes me think of the song that goes “I Want to know what love is / I Want you to show me” for some reason with the angst you’re introducing.
That fits for both of them. here's their deal:
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I always introduce angst! That's given.
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nonasuch · 15 days
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hm. Discworld AU where Carrot first came to Ankh-Morpork on the trail of the killers of his father, and, for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, remained, attached as liaison officer with the AMCW. is this anything
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valentjin · 5 months
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i wish we could do this instead of killing him 😇
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+bonus shot that looks nice but didn't fit so well when put in sequence with the others
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inkskinned · 9 months
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you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
#writeblr#warm up#my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky#i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles#yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help#for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT#and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen#than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say#''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help#i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't#actually offer fair support to everyone#we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help#bc i DID have it better than other people#and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn#instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself
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windslar · 4 months
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big, spacious apartments = big, stuffed wallet for our friendly neighbourhood rent collector
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canisalbus · 6 months
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Hello, I wanted to ask what's Machete, Vasco's or even your other favourite OCs's MBTI type. I like them a lot, thanks for sharing them with us!
I went and did MBTI tests with them in mind (and just to be sure looked up two more respectable looking tests and did those too).
Machete got INTJ all three times, but I sort of suspected that might be the case.
Vasco got ESFP twice and ENFP once, and I think they both reflect his friendliness and charisma well.
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greyhands · 1 year
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sacchiri · 17 days
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Hellsing 2002 calendar illustration.
Ein wunderliche und erschröckliche Hystori von einem großen Wüttrich genant Dracole wayda Der do so ganz unkristenliche marrter hat angelegt die mensche, als mit spissen als auch die leut zu Tod geslyffen
A wondrous and frightening story about a great berserk called Dracula the voivode who inflicted such unchristian tortures such as with stakes and also dragged people to death
#hellsing#alucard#kouta hirano#translation was found in a comment by u/lazyfoxheart on r/Kurrent#fun fact this is the highest quality version of this image that exists online#i know because i've been looking forever for a version that's clear enough to actually read what hirano wrote under '1443'#but there weren't any so i had to take matters into my own hands#the real image on the back of the guidebook is only 2 inches tall so i had to take this with my smartphone and will my hands not to shake#anyway i'm pretty sure it's supposed to say Eğrigöz (the location vlad was imprisoned) so yeah. thank you hirano very cool#if i might rant for a sec it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure that out because i didn't have the guidebook at first#and in the images i could find online that part was just a blur that looked suspiciously like a person's signature and i was like. who tf#i was thinking matthias corvinus since he issued some political propaganda against vlad iirc but it didn't match his signature on wikipedia#then i thought it might be vlad II dracul's since he probably had to sign an agreement to send his sons over as hostages at some point#but that didnt seem right either so i kept skimming vlad's wiki page#and then i was like goddammit...hirano.....you just misspelled Eğrigöz didn't you.. ....#i maybe should've made a separate post dedicated to this instead of writing a novel in the tags but eh#the hellsing brainrot runs deep#also- i put it in the source link at the bottom of the post but the german inscription is copied off a real woodcut of vlad from 1491#except instead of depicting him as an adult hirano drew him as a child which gives the inscription a very different feel imo#the one final thing that interests me about this is the fact that hirano published this calendar in 2002#which is REALLY early in the series. like this was before volume 5 came out??#i have no idea why he decided to do a massive spoiler drop in a random piece of japan-only merch#sandwiched between a drawing of alucard as john travolta from saturday night fever and integra as a fish no less#it makes me really curious to know what the fan response to this was back then. like did people even know who this was#maybe im just an idiot and everyone back then was like 'ah yes its alucard as a 12 year old. how very informative'
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