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hearthandhomemagick · 3 years

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The Cottage Witch Journal Entry - Very Human

I used to think that I felt Alien.

Sticking out in the crowd, not quite fitting in. Only offering abstract thoughts to a world that seemed to defy my character. I assumed I was misplaced, that somehow in this sea of wander and frustrating commodities, I was the one sticking out in the world.

As of recently, though, I have felt very clearly Human in nature.

The thing is the two feelings are quite similar and often muddled in perspective. The only difference being age and understanding.

To clarify, when I was younger, from about 4 up until more recently, I had always felt as though I was the odd one out. No one really wanted to be friends with me, I was either annoying or ugly. I often got picked last for things because of my weight, and I wasn't allowed to say "no" to anyone because of that. People pleasing was grafted into my Survival Tactics with ease, and eventually became so natural in my actions that "everyone loved me".

I still felt wrong, though. As if being myself was too much of an inconvenience for this world. As if saying "no" to anyone would surely result in desolate solitude and continuous abandonment. Nothing I enjoyed or liked matched anyone else, and I liked it that way for a very long time. Being different, feeling alien, felt good.

Like I said, though, the big difference between feeling alien and all-too-human is only time. And realizing how very similar I was to everyone else was not only a disheartening wake-up call, but it also proved to be the slow downfall of my own mental health.

I had never been called "Human" until someone informed me, "You're just like everyone else. Fucking Human's, the lot of you are all the same."

I had always referenced that same sentence in passing thoughts, allowing it to create a rift between myself and everyone else. When being told I was just like everyone else, I was obviously hurt. Or, my ego was, at least.

In that moment, I was highly aware of not only my innately human traits, but also of my mundane lifestyle. The idea of losing my individuality not only bit me in the ass, but also stunted my growth. If I was such a sheep, so wearisome and basic, then how could I move forward?

The thing about separating yourself from humanity for so long, is that once you learn of your own hypocrisies, your own humanity, you kind of just....spiral at first.

I made a drastic decision to try and feel different again after that.

I didn't want to be cocky, I didn't want to be cruel or judgmental. I also didn't want people to walk all over me. Finding that balance I have never been able to satisfy before.

I did a few small things, like buying lingerie, to make myself feel better. I also did a few radical things, like almost developing an eating disorder. I was living to please another, yearning for the attention and needing to be different. When someone stereotypes you, you try hard to break it. And you still end up becoming the stereotype.

Obviously, these newer tactics to revamp myself didn't pan out the way I planned. I ended up throwing up in front of my boyfriend simply at the mention of a past affection he had for someone and furthered the sting with a tantrum in a failed attempt at trying to express my turmoil.

My short point at this rate....I tried too hard in an endeavor to be discrete. To be new. To NOT be myself.

I took to heart a line that I, myself, used to convey my very own frustrations. In times where I felt people were wrong or as though people had wronged me, I felt completely alien. But this was the one time I felt very human, and I fucking hated it. I didn't want to be human anymore. I didn't want to live anymore.

It's tough. Because I never wanted the person I love to see me throw myself to the ground in a fit of rage and hurt screaming how much I hated myself. I never wanted to fall into the hyperventilating panic-attack again, and I did just that.

Through the worst mindset I had ever gone through, I was reacting like a toddler. And I hated myself even further for it. Wanting to punch myself because no matter how many times I tried explaining myself, it only made things worse. I felt worse, too. I felt like if I moved, I'd sink. And if I stayed still, I'd explode.

I often blamed myself for not communicating right. I felt like I was the problem and the reason I couldn't convey my emotions correctly. Like every effort I put in was so off from the result that I should just give into the pain all together and bash my head in.

Ever since that day, I've done nothing but reflect.

Sitting in my thoughts and pondering how I even got to that point. And it reaches back much further than simply being called human, I believe.

I feel like this all started when I got sick in 2019. When I was 20, as some of you may know, I got extremely sick with a stomach problem that doctors never really did solve. It was, at first, a week straight of nothing but vomiting and eating nothing. Hospital told me it was a stomach bug, but the problem never stopped after a week. I would wake up the same time every morning and throw up everything in my stomach. No matter the day, it never failed. This went on for over a year. It stopped once I left my job as an Advocate, but then started the tinge of pain in my ovaries. I would hurt even if I wasn't on my period and even had pain during sex.

I noticed that I was so happy before I got sick. I was confident, I was elated and I was learning to love myself. It's hard to love yourself when your body feels wrong, despite your efforts. When you can't perform the same things others can because your body won't let you. It's a lack of control over my body that kills me. But, that mindset will also be the reason I never see change.

Navigating my reflections at this point started shifting in perspectives. I started realizing that being human wasn't a terrible thing. Being myself isn't wrong, and every single human has their own very intricate problems that they themselves get to navigate. I am a part of the learning curve and growing experience not only for myself, but for others as well.

Being human doesn't just mean evil and anguish. It is also the greatest kindness you can experience. It means awareness, understanding and cognitive thinking. None of us are perfect, but we were never promised perfect in the first place. And yet, we strive, everyday. We try.

The idea that one person is more interesting than the other is totally subjective, and life is too short to not enjoy the things that make you happy. Whether you find comfort in books, or sports, doesn't matter. Whether you look thicker than a snicker or lithe like a lilac, doesn't matter. What matters are the very human traits you embrace and love in yourself and others, including the ugly. As a matter of fact, I see myself in others more recently, and even find my battles not being battles anymore, rather tasks to accomplish.

I'm not perfect. And I will have my bad days, but that doesn't mean the rest of my life has to be a total sob story. I don't have to be mean to myself in order to grow.

Making myself aware of these negative human traits in my life isn't a bad thing. Making myself aware has started making it possible for me to accept and heal myself. To get to the deeper root of my emotional attachment and learn to break the bond that holds me back. It’s been teaching me to stop trying so hard and to simply be.

It’s much harder than anticipated, too. But no one ever expects to feel these feelings, I’m sure. And no one ever really expects anyone else to be going through something similar. We don’t ask for it, and yet we all experience that detachment from reality in an attempt to make ourselves feel better about us being human.

Acceptance, I’ve learned, doesn’t mean laying down. It doesn’t mean not trying. And it doesn’t mean failing. Acceptance is preserving yourself and thoughts. Acceptance is knowing who you are and knowing that growth comes with experience, and that's okay. What you know now may be different later. It's the openness to growth that expands your person.

It's time to simply live, and let be. I never understood that quote until now. And I never cherished time to myself until I lost it. Letting go is hard, and stopping the worried kid inside of me is very much like re-parenting myself. It's like seeing the kid me crying, and rather than screaming at her, I want to comfort and love her. She deserves to be healed, not damaged any further.

I will read more. I will dance when I am happy. I will sing when I want to. I will not take things personally. I will be myself, unapologetically. It's time. I've known it's been time but....it's time.

Thank you for reading if you've made it this far. This entry, along with my other entries, are simply journal entries that assist my processing and coping techniques. If you relate or if you feel the need to say something, feel free to! I am always open to listening and opening dialogue!

You are appreciated and recognized. Thank you.

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raivaryn · 7 years

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Rai and the PoF preview

I jotted down some things on this demo because a lot of it struck me-- and for once, in a good way. Figured I’d post them, since this blog has been slacking in its original purpose. And maybe it’s still the anesthetics wearing off, but I actually have a lot of positive things to say about it!

-Raptor animations are lovely. Very natural, fun, and without being too cumbersome. That’s a hard balance to make but they did a good job. Some clunkiness in navigating certain terrain, but nothing egregious. I imagine these might be tightened up before the full release.

-COLOR. We've finally gotten a desert with bloody color to it, and varied lighting. The shadows, dark textures in and around buildings, even the dark fur on the brown dolyaks all have depth and are generally pleasant to look at. The areas all feel alive, from the sandy dunes to the farmlands and settlements. And seriously, the lighting is suuuuch a welcome improvement.

-Another big help to the liveliness and natural feel to the map is the varied terrain. I want to hope we'll see core maps take on some of the lessons learned here and be revamped, because this is such a stark difference. A good one, but still stark. The rest of the game deserves these updates imo.

-Dialogue.. still needs some work, but it's not as cringy as I’m used to. The events and some of the demo's story actually feel alright, too, and I appreciate some of the encounters having exchanges with the PC and other NPCs that sound more natural than I'm used to seeing.

-I really like riding the raptor in general, and the speed boon seems just about right for a mount. Wish we could PoV it, and not have to dismount when interacting with something though. Also might be cool if we could dismount without it returning to its pokeball, and we could call it over if we’re in range, or conjure when out of range. Maybe something we’ll see later?

-I honestly didn't expect so much aid from the devs with enjoying and experimenting in the demo. Those loot packs are an unexpected and welcome gesture, as is the ability to color our raptors. These kinds of little touches are technically unnecessary, and not the kinda thing we’re usually treated to before. But they imply a promising focus on QoL, and I'm pleased to see it.

-New staff seem willing and, possibly, able to improve a lot of the QoL and general gameplay. The demo feels like PoF will offer another layer GW2 needs to become a full, polished game. We're definitely seeing a continuation of running contrary to the "Manifesto", but unlike before, we really seem to mean business about it now. I'm hopeful this is a prelude to more improvements, with the new staff free to color outside the dated lines.

-Mob spawns seem more reasonable. You don't look across the map and see an endless, awkwardly uniform spawn of identical mobs. The creatures present feel like they are actually part of the world, and not just copy pasted over and over again to fill empty space and add “interest”.

-Related, less dense spawns makes this area so much less hostile to RP compared to most other maps. GW2 is not too RP-friendly when you roam outside instances and cities. I want to believe this is something they've had in mind, and if I were a more optimistic type, I'd hope they plan for more RPability in the world. Like, even just chairs. Anything, honestly. RPable maps that aren't hubs is definitely a welcome change.

-Mob motifs are coherent and interesting. They even have neat designs, and the shark's breach attack is maybe my favorite.

Demo feels like a breath of fresh air, without the hamfisted demand of investment from the player. I feel like a good part of this is the lack of familiar NPCs force feeding you exposition, while assuming (demanding) your investment. This lets us explore and experience things personally, and build our own attachments and interest as the story moves along.

The world is lively and colorful, with lots of room to run and play. Mobs encountered are often by player choice, and I appreciate that several aren't preemptively hostile. NPCs are going about their business in a way that feels more like world-building than just "here's a quest to do".

I'm looking forward to quests and puzzles based on mounts. Herding animals would be so fun, I think. I also want fire breath for my Buttercup. That's her name. She's my child.

It’s weird to feel positive about this game, after years of inane nonsense. My first “wow” moment wasn’t even in the demo-- it was in the character creator. The new human faces are CORE. That is an excellent show of good faith, even if it’s tough to forgive their absence to begin with. I’m definitely thinking the new staff is accountable for this welcome addition. They look great, and same with the new hair. It’s really something the game has needed, and I’m glad for the diversity.

#gw2 #gw2 pof #rai rambles #I'm still a little dazed so this is probably a lot of nonsense #but it felt good to type out so w/e

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