thinking thoughts about avoidant attachment steve (because try and tell me he isn't, with THOSE parents? get out) getting scared when he realizes he's in love with eddie because being in love is scary and hasn't gone well for him in the past. he's always been the one who loves harder, he's always been the one who puts others first, and never had someone do the same for him. now that he and eddie feel like they're on equal footing, he's fucking terrified of having that ripped out from under him. so, subconsciously he starts pulling away because when he's gonna get hurt he might as well be prepared for it, try and at least put up some walls so that when eddie breaks his heart he won't just be standing there obviously crushed like, y'know, the last time.
cut to eddie thinking he's done something terribly wrong because his previously sweet and warm and cuddly bordering on clingy steve is suddenly being so quiet and so distant, not really initiating any of the touches he usually does. he's not pulling away but he's definitely not doing that (annoying, but insufferably adorable) thing where he pointedly removes eddie's guitar from his lap to sit there himself and demand attention anymore. and yeah, eddie would always roll his eyes and sigh loudly at first, but he loves giving steve his undivided attention. he misses those moments already and it's only been like this for a week.
so, he confronts him about it. he tries to do so carefully, because he doesn't know what he did wrong and he thinks maybe it should be obvious or whatever. he's preparing for an, "are you serious, i really have to tell you?" but maybe he's a bit too vague about it because steve just looks like a deer caught in headlights for a second before his face goes cold, blank.
and steve's thinking this is it, this is eddie about to rip off the bandaid, and he's obviously trying to go about it gently and there's a tilt to his eyebrows that says he feels bad about it, so steve might as well just go and do it for him, y'know? says it's fine, he'll leave if eddie wants him to, and he's got his hand on the doorknob before eddie can say anything. completely misses the confused look on his face.
and eddie has to just about chase him out the door before he can reach his car because steve doesn't seem to be hearing when he's calling after him that what the fuck, no he doesn't want steve to leave, he's in– but he stops himself from saying that, because something is clearly upsetting steve and it's got to be his fault and now's not the fucking time. but he does manage to get his hand on the window of steve's car door before he can get in, hold it closed so that steve will finally look at him. so he can ask steve to please talk to him.
and you can imagine eddie's confusion and then shock when steve just starts mumbling (actually mumbling which is so out of place for him because he hates when others mumble to him, because he can't fucking hear) and he keeps cutting himself off mid-sentence and starting over and he won't look at eddie at all and this is all so out of character for steve, until eddie finally manages to piece together some of the abandoned sentence fragments into something that's starting to sound a lot like steve thinking eddie's going to get sick of him sooner or later, or sick of his bullshit (the look steve gets on his face on this word suggests there is more under the surface here, but again now is not the time) so eddie should just get it over with and that it's okay. but steve isn't looking like he actually thinks it's okay, in fact he's looking like he's trying so hard not to cry.
so, speechless for maybe the first time in his life, eddie just pulls steve into the tightest hug he can. hugs him until he stops his rambling, keeps hugging him until he feels steve's arms wrap loosely around his waist. only when he finds the words again does he pull back, doesn't even let go really, just moves one of his hands to steve's chin, makes him look at him.
"i'm not going to get tired of you, steve," he says, "i love you. i'm in love with you."
but steve doesn't look relieved or happy to hear it, not at first. no, he looks like he doesn't believe it, which is confirmed when he says, "don't say it if you don't mean it. i can't- i can't do that again."
and doesn't that just break eddie's heart into a bunch of little pieces, because here's possibly the best, most caring, bravest person he's ever met and yeah, maybe he acts a little bitchy sometimes but he's got a heart full of love for those around him. here he is, seeming utterly convinced that he's not going to receive that love in return. seeming like he's been shown time and time again he's never going to receive in return the level of love he puts out.
eddie's determined to show him otherwise, though, and he starts by repeating himself; in between soft, slow kisses at first (thankfully it's night time, and no nosy neighbors in sight) but the kisses get lighter and start to travel all over steve's face and by the time eddie's kissing the little space between his eyebrows, steve's smiling, he's actually kind of laughing. it's a nervous, i'm-not-convinced-this-is-real laugh, but it's there and eddie wants to hear more of that laugh and less of the sad, defeated mumbling he was doing earlier so he brings steve back inside where it's warm and he takes his time pressing kisses all over steve and telling him every single reason he loves him. he knows off the top of his head because he actually made a list of them all, he was trying to write a song about it, was planning on dropping the big L word with a grandiose gesture of flowers and candles and his acoustic guitar before steve started pulling away from him. oh well, he thinks he has some candles stashed away somewhere anyway.
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(i don't usually rec things, or make rec lists, but the occasion has presented itself so here's a short little list of wolfstar recs. some from authors i know and love and trust, and some from strangers who I've never met but love anyway:
edit: i got to the end of the post, and decided to call this my beach read collection of wolfstar fics because they're all just...delightful to read. some angst, but otherwise. beach reads!)
-i'm not going to tag them, because every time i make a rec list these two are on it, and i'm sure they're tired of me being a banshee about their works but. here is a short list of some of my recent reads by aerid0nis and dykesiriusblack (@ steelycunt and @ dykefever on tumblr respectively
by aerid0nis
and it only felt good while moving (written for their RS Candy Hearts and its SO CUTE)
station to station : i read this one not too long ago after conjuring my courage because ridi's writing does things to me and ohmygosh was it lovely and fucking worth the fucking wait. there is angst and there is pining and there is so much love
standing, by the wall honestly, just read it.
by dykesiriusblack
the shape and sound of god: a wolfstar fleabag au. i'm obsessed with the way this is written.
lover, you should come over: look, the boys are messy in this and its beautiful.
Fearless Liabilities by @femme--de--lettres: a wolfstar summer camp AU. I admittedly have not yet finished this one, but I have read enough to comfortably rec it. andies writing never fails to make me laugh-- like audibly out loud. multiple times. i don't know anyone who is better at illustrating absolute shenanigans as well as andie can and this story is SO FREAKIN' CUTE. it has romance. it has camp. it has complicated families and friendships and. yah.
Only Fools are Satisfied by grumposaur (aka tumblr user @pancakehouse). AGAIN. I admittedly haven't finished this yet, but i'm going to rec it because sports AU girlies rise up and-- YES. this is a wolfstar tennis AU. Do i know anything about tennis? No. Am I hooked? yes. I am in love with sirius as we all should be, and it is so fun. (also, i can't explain it, but tumblr user pancakehouse, there is something...so like...nonchalant and casual about the way you write? effortless, every sentence and i'm enjoying every bit of it).
Just what the doctor ordered by wrappedup: i feel like everyone and their dog recs this one (pun intended) but rightfully so. beware tall remus, but the banter and pacing in this is so good.
Hard to Find by accioromulus. this one is short, easy breezy read. the dialogue is so fun and quick and its just...simple and cute. Muggle Roadtrip AU.
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Theory - Usagi Is Meryl Mei's Son
From the first or second chapter of The Jojolands, I have had a theory that Usagi will be revealed as Meryl Mei's son. For the record, some of this could be me overthinking it BUT, just for fun, I thought I should compile my 'evidence'.
I should say that I don't follow the fandom much outside of Tumblr so idk if other people have thought of this.
Spoilers for the first 7 chapters of The Jojolands under the cut. Heads up that this post got kinda long and dense.
Visual Similarities
I want to start off with some visual similarities between these two. While some of this could just be stylistic trends in Araki's art, I want to point out the general shape of their jawlines and their eyes. I think Usagi is meant to have a fuller face then the other teens but this is shaky. It does look similar to Meryl Mei's face shape though. I also see similarities in their noses and eyebrows BUT I do attribute that mostly to Araki's style given how similar a lot of his noses and eyebrows are. While Usagi is sometimes drawn with wider and rounder eyes, generally they seem to be more pointed/angular and (with the 'winged eyeliner' thing he has) they resemble Meryl Mei's eyes more than the other protagonists. Below I've put a photo of his eyes alongside Dragona's and Rohan's just to help illustrate this as best as I can.
(This is a dumb point but while collecting photos I noticed Usagi and Meryl Mei both had ponytails which.... is probably nothing but I thought it was so cute.)
She Has A Mysterious Family
When we first meet Meryl Mei in Chapter 1, we get a description of her from Jodio. While Jodio does emphasise how mysterious and weird she is, one thing he mentions hearing a rumour about is her having a husband and child (as far as I can tell the sex of the child isn't specified). While this is just a rumour, I guarantee there will be some sort of follow-up to this. Early on, it introduces the idea that Meryl Mei has family that even her employees don't know about - I don't think it's too crazy to say she could have them in her business. Again, it could point to something else but it feels very early to be dropping info like that.
Introductory Scenes
A very small thing but right after Usagi's introduction, like the very next panel, is when we first see Meryl Mei at the school. This would be a classic way of hinting at some connection between these two, but I actually want to go into the previous scene on the bus.
So the first scene we see of Usagi is him asking Jodio on the bus for drugs. Jodio is alarmed by this since they are surrounded by other students and responds by bashing Usagi. When they get off the bus though, Jodio and Paco do their routine to exchange Usagi's money for some drugs. While it's suggested Usagi is an addict, I think in hindsight it's clear that he isn't. Usagi is set up to be a fool but is then shown to be intelligent. He 'betrays' the gang but then comes back and proves his loyalty and 5000 IQ. I don't think it's crazy to say that the gang's assessment of him as an addict is inaccurate too, there's more to this but I'll get into it later.
My theory is that this scene isn't an addict asking for drugs on the bus randomly, I think this is some sort of test. Jodio is the youngest of the gang and, as shown in Chapter 2, his naivety and inexperience could cause problems for Meryl Mei. With the diamond heist coming up, as well as us hearing that Meryl Mei wants to expand her business, I think it's possible she got Usagi to ask him for drugs in a public space to see if Jodio would slip up. Just to make sure he has enough common sense and discretion to not reveal any info BUT that he still manages to make the transaction afterwards. Otherwise, it's just weird in hindsight that Usagi would do this.
EDIT: Didn't think of this until a few days after initially making this post, but if the bus scene was a test, it could be a parallel to the undercover cop scene in Chapter 2. He's being tested and lied to by both sides of the crime struggle and maybe his initial failure with the female cop is what prompted Meryl Mei's test (I think the undercover cop scene is a flashback but correct me if I'm wrong). Jodio's ego and self-worth seem like they'll be explored this part so maybe this reveal would be a bit of a blow to his confidence?
Usagi Joining The Mission
So.... there obviously has to be something going on here right? Meryl Mei somehow knows about Usagi and trusts him! (Also I completely missed that she says here he isn't an addict!!! Paco still thinks he is one in Chapter 2 but come on now). She wants him to specifically go on this extremely important heist even though the others barely know him. There has to be something going on here, and I think that him being her son would be a good explanation! She would obviously know him, his abilities, and would trust him. It would almost be like having her own set of eyes on the group to make sure the mission goes well. I don't know if any relationship between the two could garner more trust than a parent and child. And given that Meryl Mei literally sells drugs to children, I don't think she'd hesitate to involve her child in the business and send him into danger tbh.
Before I move on, I quickly wanna mention 2 small things that I noticed but seriously doubt are intentional. First is that there is a rabbit-inspired outfit design behind Meryl Mei in one panel and Usagi means 'rabbit' in Japanese. (Remember how The Jojolands was first teased with the rabbit image?) It also happens to be right beside the panel mentioning her child BUT I'LL STOP.
The second dumb thing in this scene I noticed is how Usagi suddenly shows up at the very end of the rundown of the mission. We get a panel specifically showing Dragona locking the front door after the customers leave, but then Usagi gets in somehow? Was he hiding inside already for the reveal? Also, he would've missed the briefing but doesn't seem confused and instead already seems to know what's going on? Possibly just Jojo logic though but I wanted to mention it.
Weird Texting And Delay
Not much to this, could just be a funny gag about Usagi being sillycore but I wonder if he could've been texting Meryl Mei here? Maybe with an update on the mission? I have no idea what the delay could've been about, we do find out later he got hamburgers at the airport (hence the bag) so maybe it's hinting at that instead? Idk to be honest, just think it's noteworthy.
The Car Place
I forgot about this, but Usagi must be experienced at this sort of thing. How does he know about this criminal-safe car rental place? Was the texting maybe him getting this info from someone? It's also strange to me HE was in charge of getting the car - I doubt the other teens would've given him that responsibility so was that an order from Meryl Mei? That's super speculative though.
(Tiny thing since you can see it clearly in the panel above - is the weird logo on his shoulder meant to be model legs??? Like women's legs in underwear and high heels???? I have no idea if that's what it is and what it could mean but Meryl Mei is in the fashion industry *shrug*. My partner thinks they could be his stands' arms instead but we're not sure. I kinda doubt this point for the record, but it doesn't hurt to mention plus I'm interested in what others think the symbol is.)
Figuring Out The Cat Stand
Another thing which at least points to Usagi being more experienced than the others despite his age and demeanor - Usagi is the first to figure out that the string attack is a stand specifically. He also suspects the cats sooner than the others, Paco angrily insists the strings are some sort of security system (???????) but Usagi knows. It's not like the others don't know about stands, maybe Usagi has dealt with stand users on missions before? Also, goes without mentioning, but his 7D chess-level plan to defeat the cats later on is very impressive but maybe suspicious.
Quickly, other examples of Usagi's intelligence/possible experience are; going straight to cutting the painting in Rohan's house, scientific knowledge with the beakers and flasks, knows about birds in the local forest, also talks about the cat plan as an 'experiment' - could his scientific knowledge tie into being involved in the illegal drug business? They do compare Rohan's science set-up to drug making. Think 'Breaking Bad' essentially.
King Crimson Parallel
So, full credit for this final point goes to @/pandoragigi who pointed this out on a previous post I made.
They pretty much summarised it better then I ever could, this idea kinda blew my mind when they mentioned it. Sometimes it seems like Araki chooses song references randomly, but this could be a possibility. I don't have much to add besides the fact that 'Matte Kudasai' is a melancholic song which seems odd for Usagi, so maybe it has deeper meaning to his character.
To be clear, I'm not necessarily insisting with this theory that Meryl Mei or Usagi are gonna be villains. I think they could be mother and son and not be antagonists at all. I think it's unlikely Usagi is the traitor after already having a fake-out betrayal - but I do think Meryl Mei could be the traitor Rohan warned about. So if Meryl Mei is a villain then the possible parallel between Usagi and Trish could mean he remains loyal to the gang. Of course, it could also end up like Araki's initial plans for Fugo :( It's still too early to know where this story is going but I like to speculate and overthink things.
Conclusion
Ultimately, the next chapter could instantly disprove everything here. Araki has an... interesting track record with solving mysteries and reincorporating cool little details and I know theorising on this series can be pointless. I may in fact be Boo Boo the Fool for this making post :( But I'm having fun thinking about this and would personally be very excited if it came true! I have so many self-indulgent thoughts about angst possibilities and narrative parallels you could draw between Usagi+Meryl Mei and Jodio+Barbara Ann!!!! I think in a hypothetical evil!Usagi route, he could also be a great foil to Jodio. Also, what about the husband Meryl Mei is also rumoured to have? Will he appear and be relevant? But that type of speculating got things way too off-track so I cut them and might post them later. I feel like I could talk about the possible implications if this theory was true all day, but I'll cut it off here. All in all -
Thanks for reading :)
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Clematis or marjoram for Melkor?
Thanks!
Clematis | Mental Beauty | Your mind vs. my mind
•────────────────────⋅☾ ☽⋅────────────────────•
He descends the stairs to the lowest level; the long hall at the bottom takes him lower still, past the smithies and furnaces, the vast storerooms and the deeper mines and the opening to the caverns below the mountains, where molten rock sits spewing fire up at the shielded sky.
The light underground is warm, here, in Angband -- candles and torches and liquid flame; a merry union with the air that lives inside the fortress. It is a far cry from the cold cradle of Utumno, subterranean dark swathed in blue-green lucency, the seat from where poison and peril once flowed out to stain all the land, and fear walked abroad in his name.
It sickens him.
It is not Utumno the Deep-hidden (and fear no longer leaves his side), and in the moments where spite threatens to soak his thought and touch wholly, as a corpse-sack laden with gathered blood, he craves to strangle it: choke it all out until everyone is suffocating from ash and from ice, as though that would recall old power; as though it would bring back a time when the pain was a sleepless, aching thing in his mind and soul only. Now, it is in his skin and in his bones, tightly sewn into this charred flesh he cannot shed, which, to all of Angband, he pretends does not bother him.
He walks, and his steps fall with less thunder and more substance together than they once did -- as they do yet with each passing day -- and he pretends that this does not bother him either.
Melkor slows, feet edging the doorway to his destination: a yawning room, empty save for the single lantern burning low on the floor, the shadows it casts, and the elf in chains, shackled to a wall.
Maedhros -- Maitimo; Nelyafinwë -- the first son of Fëanor and newly vested High King of the Noldor. The commanding piece on the battlefield against his own.
Anger blazes anew in Melkor, as fresh as the blood that blackens his ever-blackened hand from where he had stuck it through an orc, mere moments ago. The creature had fallen to the ground in a clatter of iron and ivory, to join the already-rotting answer to his missive.
So, the elf is not to be bartered. Nor sapped for information: he knows nothing of import; Melkor has already wrung him dry.
What, then, is to be done with him?
Melkor longs for the release, however temporary it will prove, that he knows violence will bring; to rework flesh and mind and spirit until they are recognizable only with mounting horror as a guide, fragmented visions in broken glass.
And it has always served well, as example and as warning.
However... there is something to be said about a much different kind of blow dealt to his enemies, the damage wrought by murmurs and mistrust, were their king to return to them one day, visibly -- inexplicably -- untouched, where all others have come back disfigured.
Mairon had advised the latter, before leaving -- dutifully, reluctantly -- on his orders to scout the new elven camps with his wolves, tongue tinged with something that on anyone else would have been nothing short of insolence and insubordination.
Mairon is right, of course.
How very like his own self of older days his lieutenant has become, all fluid grace and pretty words (though with an orderliness, a precision, a lack of waste, that he himself, naturally, has never possessed), while he --
Melkor clenches his jaw, and tastes metal in his mouth.
He knows what is happening to him.
Do they think he does not? Do they think he cannot see? His moods, fey and mutable always, yes, but in both directions, now grow ever more dire with no recovery. Irascible. Implacable. Insatiable. He sees it, knows it, fears it, with the bloodless terror of clinging webs and unlight, the daily dread of recognizing a dozen glinting eyes and undying hunger across a mirror, and yet is powerless to stop it.
He desires the light as he hates it, needs it as he cannot abide it, and now that he possesses it, finally, and in a manner that he can keep it all to himself, he cannot possibly cast it aside, no matter that it is the source of his decline.
They would like the jewels gone; the orcs and the balrogs, the werewolves and trolls and vampires, the elves in his service; all his servants; Mairon, most of all -- and this he knows, too.
They shield their eyes with downturned faces before him and disguise it as reverence, scuttle down dark passageways like rodents before a flood, resentful of the violation he has brought to the underbelly of Arda -- nay, to its very womb -- and the war that it has spurred to these shores.
There is no question that the assault the caged treelight wages on their senses is unbearable.
The assault it wages on his own is tenfold thus.
The glare blinds him, everything bleeding in a white haze of indistinct shapes, and the weight bows down his head, until the very idea of rest is but a distant dream of shadows among pitiless light; a memory of breath above water, above crushing rock.
To bear the Silmarils is excruciating. How to let them go, when to bear their loss would be even more so?
How to see them fall back into elven hands?
Melkor has always begrudged the elves their existence, but his hatred of them was not always such. He had entertained himself with them, in the beginning, when all they had known was stars and dark, slumbering woods and the shadow-shapes that walked in the hills. But the war that led to his wreck and ruin was made for their sake, and this he will never forgive. After Angainor, after three ages in Mandos, after Fëanor and the accursed creations of his hands -- he has nothing but hatred left.
This one, though, he thinks, regarding red waves spilling over bare skin like open wounds, glistening dark in the candlelight, this one is different.
Mairon has the right of it -- this one, Fëanor's eldest that burns with the same fire as his sire, yet more tempered and therefore more dangerous, is of rare value, despite his apparent worthlessness as leverage. He may benefit greatly from a different touch than the heavy hand of slag and slaughter that has become Melkor's fare.
Surely, he remembers how; he's not so far gone as that.
He may not be able to discard this body anymore, but he can still craft illusion -- and so he wraps an image around himself that hearkens back to shapes of old, larger but not too large, imposing yet sinuous, like black smoke coiling in the air, hair dancing around his head in tendrils with the languor of oil in water. He keeps his face constant, eyes glowing like the ice of the northern wastes, but little else: hands and limbs, all materialize and dissipate in dark mists as he pleases, as needed to caress, to cajole, to taunt.
Melkor is not certain what he is aiming to achieve with this, how this will aid in his deciding the fate of Fëanor's son; but, then again, there never has been much purpose beyond impulse. It is his nature, after all, and he merely follows it.
He allows himself a prick or two; a scratch, here and there, carved so shallow that not even his lieutenant can complain.
There is no response to his attentions.
It is only a matter of time before he teases the elf with those much-sought after jewels that live upon his head, the first time since donning his crown that he has removed it, in an effort to provoke a reaction -- any reaction, to break that stony composure that has quickly turned from amusing to aggravating until it crumbles like dry clay beneath his gaze -- and he presses them against his face, in the space between eyes and jaw.
Maedhros screams.
He recoils as he is burned, viciously cracking his shoulder on the wall behind him, and the acrid stench of seared flesh fills the air: it is a scent Melkor knows well.
They stand there in stillness, elf and Vala, one heaving with enough force to empty out his innards, the other regarding the iron in his hand, both silent; both surprised.
It is Melkor who recovers first -- and he laughs.
"Oh, this is precious," he finally breathes, returning the crown to his head and shedding his guise in his elation.
Maedhros is hissing and swiping -- like a cub, belonging to one of those long-fanged beasts of horn and plated bone that he had fashioned in the dark beyond the Lamps, that has been deprived of its morsel -- and saying something, but Melkor is no longer listening.
He runs his hand through hair red like blood, tangling his fingers in the strands, claws grazing skin gently, the urge to harm sated -- briefly; a mere flake of snow before open flame; never fully -- by this new knowledge. For no thing he can visit upon the spawn of Fëanor could ever surpass this.
It has been a terrible game, this affair of theirs, he thinks -- Fëanor's mind against his own -- absentmindedly continuing to stroke the elf's head, as though it is one of Angband's cats that he is soothing through a restless night.
But, however this ends -- whatever becomes of him; no matter if they throw down his towers, wrench the wretched West from its dim horizon to these far shores and hew his feet from under him -- he is secure in the certainty of one single thing:
His mind has already won.
• ────────────────────────────────────────── •
Anon, I hope you like this!!! Thanks so much for sending this in and giving me a chance to show my actual serious take on canon-verse Melkor instead of the humorous comic version I keep throwing at all of you ♡
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