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#i really just need to let this out of myself somewhere
barcaatthemoon · 2 days
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lullaby || lucy bronze x reader ||
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you comfort lucy when she comes to your room after rachel's last game.
you weren't the least bit surprised to find lucy outside of your room after the game. more than a few of the girls had all grouped together for comfort after rachel's last game. lucy had held strong for the camp, having been warned earlier on by rachel herself. you had also been warned, but yours was more to make it easier to look out for lucy.
"can i sleep over tonight?" lucy asked you. keira had already gone to georgia and leah's rooms for the night. you were sure that a lot more girls were piled into the captain's room than just the three best friends, but what mattered was that lucy had come to you.
"of course you can," you told her. it wasn't late enough to sleep just yet, but lucy went straight to the bed. she laid down and curled up a little, something that you only saw her do whenever she was really upset. lucy ignored you as you moved around the room, grabbing a couple of water bottles for the two of you before you got into bed with her. "do you want to talk about it?"
"i don't want to talk about anything," lucy grumbled. you frowned a little to yourself, but let it go. lucy rested her head on your chest and grabbed onto your hand, squeezing it slightly. "do something, it's too quiet in here."
you're momentarily at a loss about what to do until you remember the night that keira and lucy had truly called it quits. it wasn't necessarily a good night for anybody, but it was definitely the start of your relationship.
"she don't want me no more." there was nothing scarier to you than a teary-eyed lucy bronze. you knew that lucy had planned on going over to keira's to talk after their last little argument. they had broken up twice already, but agreed to work things out. this time, hadn't been successful for lucy.
"luce, i'm sorry," you apologized to her. it wasn't your fault, and the apology only really made her kind of angry, but you didn't know what to do. lucy wasn't one to open up emotionally, especially not to you.
for the most part, lucy had no idea why she had come to your apartment. you weren't her friend, you were keira's. that was something you had made clear every single time that lucy had messed up in the past. however, there was still the part of lucy's brain that knew things weren't like that anymore.
somewhere along the line, something that shifted between the two of you. nothing had been acted on, but lucy had caught her eyes lingering on you for a little longer than normal. you had thoughts in a similar vein about lucy, and if it wasn't for keira being one of your best friends, you would have acted on your feelings.
"i just need somewhere to be for a while. can't be getting myself in trouble," lucy said. her accent was thicker through the tears. you nodded as you pulled her into your apartment. almost immediately, your cat raced across the living room to get as far away from lucy as he could. "little rat faced bastard."
"luce, be nice!" you hissed as you swatted at her shoulder.
"i'm over here crying and getting hissed at, so you hit me!" lucy shouted. you placed your hands on her arms, rubbing gently to try and soothe her. lucy moved like she was about to shove you away from her, only to surprise you by melting into your arms completely. she broke apart into a fit of sobs as your arms moved to hold her.
"hey, hey, it's okay," you whispered softly. lucy grabbed onto the back of your shirt and tugged you closer to her. you hummed nervously, unable to move away. slowly, you managed to get lucy to let you guide the two of you towards one of the chairs in your living room.
you picked the big, comfy one. everybody teased you for it being an eyesore, but you loved it. the pattern was hideous, but you had never sat in a more comfortable recliner in your entire life. as your body hit the back of the seat with lucy's on your lap, you were grateful for the slightly oversized chair.
lucy cried in your arms as you continued to hum. slowly, the hums grew into broken pieces of songs that you could remember. lucy's sniffles and sobs slowly came to a stop. you figured that she'd want you to be quiet now that she was done cry, but she pipped up at the first bit of prolonged silence.
"no, don't stop. i like the sound of your voice," lucy told you. she sounded a little whiny, but you weren't going to tease her for it. you started in on another little song, this time stopping when you saw lucy staring at you. it wasn't in annoyance or amusement like what you had grown accustomed to. this stare was different, and it made your chest feel warm and fuzzy.
"luce?"
"don't let me ruin this, please," lucy muttered. you had originally thought it was intended for you to hear, but once lucy pressed her lips to yours, you realized that it was a prayer of sorts.
you glanced down at lucy as she laid on your chest. her breathing had evened out finally, soft snores echoing each breath. you quietly snapped a picture for your phone, something that you'd want whenever the two of you went back to barcelona and she decided to pretend that this had never happened.
there were a few texts on your phone when you checked it. the first you saw was one from keira, warning you not to let lucy ruin your shirt with drool. you chuckled quietly to yourself, almost certain that it was only a matter of time before the puddle formed. the next couple were from rachel and millie, both women asking how lucy was doing. she had worried a lot of your teammates during rachel's celebratory dinner, even though she had been actively trying not to.
"stop moving around so much," lucy grumbled as she tugged your body closer to hers. "'m trying to sleep."
"it was just rach, she was wishing me a good night's rest," you said. lucy grumbled something, but it was muffled by her face being buried against your body. "i'm sorry, what was that?"
"tell her to fuck off. this is my time with you," lucy grumbled. you smiled as you placed your hand on her head to tip it back. she looked up at you with half-closed eyes and a pout, which you found adorable. "what the hell do you want?"
"a kiss, but if you're going to be an ass, i'll just go get one from someone else," you answered. lucy obviously did not like that answer as she shot up and pinned you beneath her on the mattress.
"who told you that you could kiss other girls?" lucy asked. she was getting possessive, like she tended to on your nights out with the team, but lucy never really did much other than fuck you.
"it's not like i've got a girlfriend, now is it?" you countered. lucy furrowed her brows, seemingly ready to give in to your one demand. you had been dropping all sorts of hints, doing everything short of actually giving her an ultimatum.
"sing me another song, and i'll take you out for breakfast tomorrow before we leave. a nice little date for just the two of us, but (y/n), are you sure about this? am i really who you want?" lucy asked you. she knew that you had gotten very close to hooking up with a couple of other girls on both the lionesses and at barcelona.
"lucy, you would not be in my bed right now if i wasn't sure. do you think i just sing every pretty little bird that crosses my path to sleep? what kind of woman do you take me for?" you pretended to be offended, up until lucy cradled your face and pressed a soft kiss to your lips.
"my deepest apologies, and for the record, i think you're like some sort of disney princess. the kind that would give ingrid a run for her money," lucy complimented. "so, do you want to be my girlfriend? i think you've kind of had the position for a while, but might as well make it offical, yeah?"
"might as well, yeah," you echoed. lucy smiled, this time pulling you into her arms. you let the music resume on your phone, singing along to the songs until you felt lucy's body relax beneath yours.
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heartateasee · 1 day
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"Chapter Two"
Word Count: 5.6k
(Chapter two to “Cherry Bomb” - please make sure to read the TW on the “Cherry Bomb” masterlist before proceeding.)
●・○・●・○・●
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Today marks a month since my hometown show, which also means I’ve been back in LA officially for the same amount of time. I hadn’t really been out much since being here considering there was still a lot of rearranging to do with my house. For starters, it took a few weeks to get my home recording studio completely set up the way I needed it. I had also painted a lot of the walls, and worked on getting my patio to look like an oasis. 
My home was finally feeling like just that…home.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that feeling considering I was bouncing from place to place while touring - sleeping each night either in the van as we drove to another location, or a hotel if we had the time.
Having a place to call my own now is so refreshing. It finally feels like I’m settling down somewhere for the first time since I left home to pursue music. I’ve managed to make it completely me, and I’m proud of myself for that.
Another reason why I think I threw myself into renovating my house so much was due to the fact that I had seen Harry again. After five years, I saw someone who I had tried my hardest to forget.
But the sad thing was, it still wasn’t him.
I’ve made peace with the fact that my Harry is truly gone, and to be honest, I think it’s helped me push forward a bit when it comes to that healing. People really are telling the truth when they say sometimes you never properly heal - the pain just dulls. I think that’s how it will always be when it comes to the loss of Harry.
There’s nothing like speaking about someone as if they were dead when they’re still very much alive.
Regardless of me not really taking the time to see how things had changed in LA, I made myself a promise that today I’d be remedying that. I want to try to go and look for a few additional art pieces for both my living room and bathroom, and I also want to see if the old record store I used to shop at was still open.
That record store holds a lot of memories for me, and I hope to see that it’s still the same.
Looking at myself in the full length mirror in my room, I tug on a pair of black flared corduroys - pairing them with my trusty black platform Dr. Martens. I pull on a black tank top and tuck it into the waistband of my trousers before pulling on a black mesh top over that. I give myself a small nod as I fluff up my hair that I had already done, and I give my makeup one more glance as I head out of my bedroom.
With my small black purse over my shoulder, and my keys in my hand, I make my way outside and into my car. I start towards town, and I make the decision to go looking for some vinyls first since that’s what I’m most excited about.
As I drive, I take in the scenery around me, and I can see that there’s obviously been a lot of build up in the area since I was last living here. More apartment buildings, houses and shopping centers. It was the same, but it wasn’t - much like myself now that I’ve returned.
I feel a smile tug onto my lips as I see the sign for the record store, and I can’t help but let out a small laugh when I realize that’s thankfully one of the things that hasn’t changed at all. Pulling into the parking lot, I park and get out while feeling the giddiness in my stomach that at least something has remained the same.
The same old bell chimes as I step in the front door, and I look over to see there’s no one behind the counter currently. I can’t help but stop in my tracks as I look at it - covered with various bands stickers and doodles, it brings me right back to when I would come in here almost every day the summer after highschool.
“There she is!” Harry's voice bellows as I walk into the record store with a bag of Taco Bell in my hand - a drink carrier in the other. “And she brings me food?”
He dramatically looks up at the sky with his hands pressed together as if he were praying. “I don’t know what I did for whoever is up there to give me Marlowe Finch as my best friend, but I could kiss your ass right now for doing so.”
I can’t help but giggle at his words as I shake my head, and I make my way over to the counter. After making sure the bag and drinks are secure on the surface, I also push myself up onto it before dishing out the food.
“I got you the Mexican pizza combo with a Baja Blast,” I tell him as I pull out the box as well as setting his drink down by him. I make sure I also give him the taco that comes with it. “Oh, and I got you chips and cheese!”
I can feel Harry watching my every move as I set our food up for the two of us, and I look over to him once I finish - feeling my cheeks flush a bit. “What?”
Harry shakes his head as his bunny teeth clamp down on his bottom lip. “Nothing, just so lucky to have you - that’s all.”
“And I’m lucky to have you,” I don’t hesitate to say it back as I lift a hand up to fix the backwards hat he currently has on. He was growing his hair out, but was insistent on wearing hats. He looks like a true frat boy, which is a thing I always give him shit over. “Going to a party or something after your shift? You’re a little more dressed up than usual.”
“Yeah, one of the guys who’s in a local band invited me. He comes in here a lot to put up flyers for their gigs, and he said they’re having a pretty big house party,” Harry shrugs as he pulls the wrapper off his taco, slathering it with sauce before taking a massive bite.
I make a face as I watch him eat, and he reaches out to pinch my hip - eliciting a squeal from me.
“You don’t have to eat it like a starved animal, you know? It’s not going anywhere,” I tease with a wink as I bite into a piece of my chicken quesadilla. “But a house party sounds fun. Do you need me to pick you up later once you’re ready to leave it?”
“You know I’m not going to be drinking,” Harry says, pausing to take a sip of his Baja Blast. “I can just call an Uber or I can walk.”
“Harry,” I tilt my head to the side. “You know I don’t mind giving you rides, right? It lets me spend more time with you.”
I notice that Harry pauses on eating for a moment as he looks down at his feet before he speaks. “I don’t know. I just feel like a burden sometimes since I don’t have my own car.”
“Hey,” I place my food to the side for a moment, and I take his food from him to do the same before I place his hands in mine - giving them a squeeze. “You will never be a burden to me. Never. Do you understand?”
Harry purses his lips to the side, and I raise my eyebrows as if to enunciate my statement again. His shoulders deflate before he gives me a soft nod which causes me to smile.
“Good, glad we cleared that up,” I tell him as I start in on my food again. “Are they going to come and pick you up from here?”
He doesn’t answer me right away as he leans against the counter, pondering as he chews the bite he just took from his taco. “Why don’t you just come with me?”
“I don’t know, H,” I squirm slightly at the thought of being around people I’m not familiar. “It’s not like these people even have any idea who I am. They’ll probably think it’s weird if I just turn up with you.”
“Well, if they said something about it, then we’d leave,” Harry’s eyebrows narrow as he holds my eyes. “I wouldn’t want to be around those types of people anyway.”
I glance over at the clock to see he has about two hours left of his shift. “How about I think about it? I’ll just hang out until you’re done - that way I can take you anyway, yeah?”
Harry sends me that boyish grin of his that here recently has sent my heart fluttering, and he reaches over to dip one of his chips into the cheese before he’s extending it out to me. I roll my eyes playfully at him as I lean forward - capturing the chip between my teeth before letting it fall back onto my tongue.
“I think that sounds like a plan,” he tells me.
The sound of someone entering behind me causes me to come back to reality, and I immediately leave the main area of the store to head into one of the side rooms. I wasn’t even sure if the organization in here was the same as it used to be, but I just had to get away from that counter for a moment.
I spent so many days just sitting on top of that while I would watch Harry work, and half the time I’d be helping him get his stuff done so we could get out faster. All we cared about back then was playing music in my garage, so we always tried to get him out of the store as quickly as possible once his shift was through.
As I approach the section of shelves that was strictly for 80’s records, I decide that’s as good of a place to start as any. I begin to flip through the records while nibbling on the inside of my cheek as I do so.
I pull a few out that I know I’d be more than happy to have before continuing my way through the room. My attention gets caught for a moment by a blonde girl exiting out of the employee only room, and I can tell she’s heading back up towards the front while adjusting her clothes.
It’s only a few seconds later that I catch another body exiting the same room, but I keep my back slightly turned to them as I continue to sort through the vinyls.
Just as I’m about to grab a Talking Heads album, my attention is stolen once more by the sound of a high-pitched giggle, followed by a single name.
“Harry!”
I can’t help but flash my eyes over to the counter since I’ve made my way back towards that area, and I see Harry’s body wrapped around the girl I had seen just a few seconds ago.
“Stop it - you’ve already had me away from the customers for the last fifteen minutes,” the girl continues to laugh, acting as if she were trying to push him off of her, but it’s obvious she’s loving the contact from him.
Knowing I need to get out of here, I go to set the records down that I had in my hand, but I’m caught off guard by a gasp, and I can see the girl looking past Harry’s shoulder at me.
“Holy shit!” Harry is quick to look over his shoulder to see what she’s on about, and I watch his expression harden once he sets his sights on me. “You’re Marlowe Finch!”
The girl unravels herself from Harry, and she walks over to me with a large smile. I clear my throat when I realize I’m going to have to interact with her. Clearly she’s a fan, and I don’t want to come across as rude. My issue is with Harry - not her.
“Uh, hi, that’s me,” I nod, forcing a smile of my own.
“I was so bummed that I missed your show a few weeks ago, but this one was sick,” she gestures her thumb over her shoulder to Harry before crossing her arms over her chest. “So I stayed home too so I could be on standby, in case he needed me.”
I soon realize that he obviously lied to this girl about where he was that night considering he was very much at my gig, and not at home sick. He sends me a look, one that I quickly interpret as a warning, but all that does is cause me to get a bit angry.
“Funny seeing you here, Harry,” I say, raising an eyebrow at him. “Do you still work here too?”
The girl looks between the two of us for a moment - confusion etched on her face. “Wait, you guys know each other?”
Harry walks to stand behind the blonde after hearing that question, and I stifle a laugh at the fact that he hasn’t even talked about me once to her.
“Harry and I used to be best friends up until a few years ago.”
“What the hell?” She lifts her hand to hit the back of it lightly against Harry’s chest. “How come you’ve never told me this?”
I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt to know that he really does just forget that I ever existed in his life. I’m actually a bit envious of him at the same time though. I wish I had the capability just to block out years of memories that I no longer wanted.
Harry remains silent, but the girl doesn’t wait for him to respond before she speaks again. “Well, I’m Rylan,” she says, extending her hand to me which I shake. “Are you staying in town for long?”
“Just moved back actually,” I nod. “I plan on being here for some time since I just finished up my tour, and I’m starting to work on my new album.”
“Oh, that’s so exciting! We should totally hang out sometime since you’re going to be sticking around.”
I can see the annoyance written all over Harry’s face as Rylan continues to ramble, and I send him a slight smirk. The one thing he wants to avoid, he simply can’t - all due to the fact his girlfriend is currently making over me.
“Well, if Harry still has my number, it’s the same, so…” I trail off with a shrug, and Rylan claps her hand. 
“I can’t believe I’m going to be hanging out with you. I feel like I'm in a dream right now,” she shakes her head before seeing the records I didn’t get a chance to put down. “If you’re all set, I can ring those up for you.”
“Sure.”
Rylan takes the vinyls from me, and she turns her back towards both Harry and I to walk towards the counter. As I walk past Harry, we allow our eyes to run over each other before I’m looking back ahead to properly check-out. I can still feel his sight on me as I hand my card over to Rylan who’s bagging up my records. She extends the bag to me over the surface - a large smile on her face.
“It was nice to meet you, Marlowe. Hopefully we can all hang out soon. I’m sure you and Harry have a lot to catch up on.”
For some reason, that simple phrase causes a knot to grow in my throat, and I force a smile. “Yeah, I bet. See you around.”
Turning towards the door, I keep my head down as I walk past Harry, and once I’m outside, I let out a breath that I didn’t even know I had been holding in. I quickly get in my car, and I’m thankful that I had parked facing away from the windows of the building as I place my records in the passenger seat. I stare blankly at my steering wheel as I take a minute to gather myself.
This was a mistake. I should’ve never moved back here.
I should’ve just planted roots somewhere else given my parents had moved, but I just felt so drawn to come back here. This was the place that gave me inspiration to start music in the first place, and I figured it would be good to write my first album here. It seems that now I was terribly mistaken. The thought of having to worry about seeing Harry everywhere I go will eventually take its toll on me. All of my years of therapy will be washed down the drain.
After taking a few more moments to collect myself, I start my car, and I head off in the direction of the art gallery I had looked up earlier today to try to get my mind off this whole encounter.
●・○・●・○・●
It had been a few days since running into Harry at the record store, and mentally, I was doing better with it than I thought I was going to. I expected my mind to race once I laid down in bed that night, but that didn’t happen. Thankfully, I distracted myself with hanging up the new art I got while playing a couple new records, and I think that helped get my mind off of it.
Kailey had texted me earlier today and asked if I wanted to go out for a few drinks later, and I agreed. I had seen her a couple times since I got back, mostly because she came over and helped me with a lot of the painting I did in my house, but this was going to be the first time that we were actually going out.
It’s exciting to me, to be honest. Yes, I’ve been traveling and going out here and there for the past few years, but I haven’t really gone out with a friend in so long - not since I left.
I went for a rather simple look tonight - just a pair of ripped black skinny jeans, a cropped white tee and my leather jacket. Of course, my platform boots were on my feet.
Since it was a little up in the air how much we would end up drinking tonight, I decided to order myself an uber, and I made sure I had my cards, keys and phone before heading out the door. I only had to wait a couple minutes for my Uber to arrive, and as I got into the back seat, Kailey sent me a text to tell me she was on the way as well.
I’m hoping that by going out tonight that it gives me a better outlook on deciding to move back to LA. After the encounter with Harry, it did have me questioning everything, even though I didn’t spiral as bad as I thought that I would. I’ve managed to keep up a pretty good relationship with Kailey, despite being gone, so I’m more than hopeful that we’ll fall back into our old ways.
I know that I have my band, and Lys, but it’ll be nice to feel like I have close friends again.
I pull up to the agreed location just a few minutes after getting in the car since it’s not too far from my house, and I step inside. I’m looking around for Kailey, but I don’t see her yet, so I decide to make my way to the bar to go ahead and order a drink. 
As I’m waiting behind a few people, I see the door open again out of the corner of my eye, and I see Kailey.
“Kailey!” I call over to the noise of the music, and I watch her eyes wander around for a moment before they settle on me.
She smiles wide, and waves her hand high in the air before she starts to make her way over to me. Once she reaches me, we wrap our arms around each other in a big hug, and I let out a small sigh at how nice it feels to have contact with someone like this. It wasn’t too common for me these days.
“How are you?” I ask as we move up a bit towards the bar, both of us with our arms now crossed over our chests.
“I’m good, just got off of work, and I came straight here. How about you? Did you finally get everything settled at the house?”
I nod, feeling a sense of pride that I have gotten myself all situated. “I did, actually. I picked up a few more art pieces earlier this week to fill some empty space on the walls that I had, but I think everything is officially in place. You’ll have to come over for dinner and a movie night sometime.”
“Oh, I’d love that!” Kailey exclaims with a toothy grin. “It’ll be just like old times.”
Eventually it’s our turn, and I order myself just a Coors Light to start. Kailey orders herself a beer as well, and then we head towards a high-top table tucked into the corner - having it be a little more secluded in the busy little bar.
“I know you’ve been super busy with the house, but have you had a chance to get out a little bit? There’s a lot that’s the same, but a lot that’s different,” Kailey says as she takes a sip of her drink.
“The day I picked up the art pieces was actually the first day I was able to do that,” I wrap both of my hands around my cool glass - tapping my fingertips against it lightly. “Went to the art gallery, but I went to the old record store before that.”
Kailey pauses her attempt at another sip at my words, and she lowers her glass back down onto the table. “You did, did you?”
“Yeah,” I sigh, shaking my head. “Saw Harry.”
Kailey’s eyes widen at my words. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Yeah, and well…that wasn’t the first time I saw him. I forgot to tell you, but I also saw him at my show.”
She stares at me for a moment with a slack jaw before she shakes her head. “Okay, wow,” she clears her throat, actually taking a large sip of her beer afterwards. “And how were both of those run-ins?”
I purse my lips to the side as I try to decide how to answer her. “Pretty unfortunate, to say the least,” I laugh sadly. “He caught me after my gig, and he pretty much just said he wanted to confirm it was me, but that he still wants to act like I don’t exist. The other day when I saw him at the record store, he was all over some girl. Rylan was her name, I think?”
“Yeah, Rylan,” Kailey rolls her eyes. “She’s something.”
“You know her?” I ask, eyebrows narrowing as I take another sip of beer.
“She hangs around with Mikey’s group of friends, and I’ve run into her a couple of times at his parties. Her and Harry have been together for a little bit from what I’ve heard,” she shrugs. “She’s younger though - 22, I think? Fucking loves to party it seems.”
“I thought you hadn’t really seen Harry.”
“Over the past few months he’s been turning up more with her, but before that I only saw him those couple times I told you about. Did he talk to you the other day at the store?”
I shake my head. “Didn’t utter a fucking word. Rylan was fangirling over me, and he just stood there…glaring. I’m sure it had to eat him up that his girlfriend was losing her mind. She wants to hang out with me too.”
Kailey throws her head back with a laugh. “I’m sorry, Marlowe, but oh my god. The poor girl is actually clueless, isn’t she?”
“It seems so. He lied to her about being at my gig. Apparently she wanted to go, and he told her that he was sick, so she stayed home in case he needed her.”
“Wow,” Kailey lifts her glass and extends it towards me. “I think we can cheers to a big ol’ ‘fuck Harry’, am I right?”
I can’t help but chuckle as I lift my glass - clinking it against hers. “You’re right.”
She hums as flails her hand in the air, as if she’s brushing the subject matter of our current conversation away. “But enough about that asshole. How’s the album coming along?”
“To be honest with you? It isn’t,” I run a hand through my hair. “I haven’t really had any inspiration hit me lately, and I know I have a meeting coming up with my label soon. I’m a bit stressed. They’re going to expect an anticipated release date, and I’m not going to be able to give that to them.”
“Well your manager, Lys, right?” I nod as she continues. “I’m sure she’s going to rally for you. She’ll make sure you get all the time you need in order to create what you want, and to put something out that you’re proud of. Don’t let them pressure you into a deadline.”
“Yeah, it’s just…it’s not a good look that this is my first album, and I can’t even get my head on straight to properly get to work on it. I’ve just been so busy with the move, but now that I have my studio set up, I’m hoping it’ll be easier to get some material together.”
“You’ve got this,” Kailey nods. “Your song writing has always been stellar, and you can come up with melodies at the drop of a hat. It’s going to all work out.”
She reaches across the table to wrap her hand around my wrist - giving it a squeeze of reassurance as we share a smile between the two of us.
Our conversation continues on, and eventually we order ourselves another round of beers. At one point, my phone lights up on the table, and I look down to see Harry’s name. My eyebrows narrow, and I swallow harshly as I stare at it. I was in need of a cigarette anyway, so I figure that answering it won’t be too much of an issue.
I can’t tell you why I’ve kept his number saved all these years. It was something I always wanted to bring up in therapy, but I never did. I guess there was a part of me that still wanted to know I could contact him in some way, if I needed to. I had also convinced myself that he probably had a new number, and the contact in my phone was just a placeholder of what used to be.
“I’m going to step out and take this call and have a smoke. I’ll be right back,” I tell Kailey as I stand up, and she gives me a thumbs up while taking a large sip from her glass.
Heading outside, I answer the phone, and I hold it between my ear and my shoulder as I pull a cigarette from my pack - placing it between my lips as I struggle to get my lighter out as well. “Hello?”
I can hear music coming through the speaker, but I don’t hear anyone speaking as I light up my cigarette. Giving it a few minutes, I roll my eyes as I lean against the building, taking a long drag before pulling the stick from my mouth.
“Harry, if you’re talking I can’t hear you.”
It’s silent again for a few seconds, and as I’m going to place my cigarette back between my lips, he speaks. “You just had to come back, didn’t you?”
I pause, the filter almost to my mouth as my face contorts. “What?”
“You heard me, Marlowe,” his words are slurring, and I close my eyes when I realize he’s extremely drunk. “You just had to fucking come back here.”
I’ve never been around Harry drunk, therefore I’ve never known what he could sound like, but right now he sounds even less like my Harry than ever before.
“Well, it is my hometown,” I scoff before taking another drag.
“Did you come back here just to torture me for leaving your stupid little band?”
I blow out smoke towards the sky before I answer him. “It wasn’t just my band, Harry, it was ours. But no, I wanted to spend some time at home. I haven’t really been able to within the past three years.”
“Why?” Harry chuckles darkly into the phone. “You don’t have anyone here anyway. Your parents have moved - no siblings.”
I bite down on my bottom lip as Harry brings up my relationship with my parents. He knows they love me, but he also knows we’re not very close. They’ve been to a few of my shows here and there, and they’ve made it clear they’re proud of me. That’s all I can really ask for.
“Thanks for that,” I try to keep my cool - playing up my sarcasm to cope with his comment. “I had completely forgotten my family dynamic.”
“I’m just saying, there’s not a single person who truly wants you here.”
“That’s funny,” I mumble around the filter of my cigarette. “Because I’m actually out for drinks with Kailey as we speak.”
It’s silent again, but I continue to hear the muffled music in the background, so I know he’s still there.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now, Harry. This call is absolutely pointless.”
“Just one more thing before you go,” Harry’s voice holds a tone that I’ve never heard before.
I wait.
“I left the band because I couldn’t stand being around your stuck up attitude. You’re so fucking full of yourself, Marlowe. So fucking selfish,” he spits, and my lips part at the harsh words he casts my way. “You going solo like you did just proves you were going to use us, and then leave us out to dry once you made it. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with you anymore because of how you were acting - how you’re probably still acting.”
I can’t even find the words to respond to what he’s just said to me. Never in my life has he spoken to me in such a way, or said such hurtful things - things that he has to know aren’t true. As much as I want to prove that to him, I know in the end it’s pointless. 
This Harry doesn’t want explanations or reasoning. This Harry is already set in his ways and his thinking. Arguing with him would be like arguing with a brick wall.
“You’re talking out of your ass right now, and you’re clearly drunk,” I toss my cigarette to the ground, snuffing it out with the toe of my boot. “I’m actually going to hang up now. Don’t call me again. Goodbye, Harry.”
My hands shake as I hang up my phone - slipping it into the back pocket of my jeans. I suck in a deep breath as I drop my head back to rest against the brick behind me. 
As much as that call should upset me even more, I think it’s not because I’ve actually come to the realization now, more than ever, that Harry is not the same person. He will never be again. I’ve already mourned who he used to be. I’ve already worked through that trauma to a point where I feel comfortable dealing with the little bit that still remains.
That man on the phone was not someone who used to be my best friend. He’s a complete stranger.
I let out a deep breath before making my way back into the bar, and Kailey sends me a smile. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, that was Harry.”
“Come again?” 
“I don’t want to talk about it. Can we just get some shots?” I laugh, and she nods as she pushes herself up from the table.
“Oh, I’m about to get you two back to back,” she says, guiding me to sit back down. “I’ll be just a minute.”
My eyes follow Kailey as she pushes through people to make her way back to the bar, and I fiddle with my fingers on top of the surface in front of me. 
I have to come to terms with the fact that I’ll probably be seeing a lot of Harry now, especially if what Kailey said is true about Rylan hanging out with people who Mikey knows. Maybe it’ll end up being a good thing - it’ll be the true closure I need to just lay it all to rest. It was already seeming to be going in that direction anyway.
It’s only a few minutes later that Kailey is back with a small serving tray with two more beers and a total of four shots.
“We’re getting drunk,” she tells me as she sets everything down. “And we’re not going to talk about that dickhead anymore.”
We each grab a shot glass and raise it in the air. “Fuck Harry Styles,” I say, repeating her cheers from earlier, but adding his last name to it - to really feel it.
Kailey smirks as she nods. 
“Fuck Harry Styles.”
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A/N: If you'd like to see what I picture Kailey and Rylan to look like as well, I've included their pictures below! Thank you so much for reading, and I'll see you all very soon for the next one.
Kailey
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Rylan
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Taglist: @daydreamingofmatilda @prettygurl-2009 @ghoststyles @lillefroe @gem1712 (if you’d like to be added to my taglist, please send me a DM!)
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twisted-gremlin · 2 days
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Semicolon tattoo and the first years
If you dont know what a semicolon tattoo means, it's a signafier that that person has gone tough mental health struggles. They may or may not continue to struggle with it in the current day depending on what it is they are working with. It's something to empower that person to say that their story hasn't ended yet, even tough it could have, it hasn't.
I just got one myself and I tought of how the guys would react to a tattoo, I may do a general tattoo one, idk yet- lol
For these I'm going to have the tattoo placed somewhere clear and easy to see
Ace: he kinda tought your tattoo was neat, didn't get why it had to be a (in his opinion) useless and overly complicated punctuation. But when you told him the story behind why you got one, he realized in that moment little habits that you have, like apologizing for breathing wrong, or claming up when being scolded, or your protective ness of those you consider friends, or your holding people at arms length. So, whenever he sees you improving from what he has seen, he gives you a high five, or steals something from Trey for ya. As a reward for being awsome.
Deuce: if it's just a small one, he would barely notice it. If it's a little bigger than he will kind of respect you and think that you are also a bit of a punk. Of course, he badly wants some tattos of his own, but is discouraged to get one because he wants to be a cop. But still, he'll ask questions about the tattoo, how dos it feel, how was healing, what's the meaning behind it? After hearing your story he goes to you, and hugs you, thanking you for sharejng your story and that if you need anything, he'll help you, like a good honor student and friend! He would still do that for the smaller one,.but Ace would be there too
Jack: I think he would be apathetic to tattos, never really wanting one, but not judging those who get one either. He may complement it of it's plant or sports themed even. One day, out of curiosity he may ask what was the reason you got it, knowing that some are very personal, while others are random. When you tell him, he will thank you for telling him, and that if you need someone to help you out ever he will be there (he is a loyal pup afterall-)
Epel: another tattoo dork, but he probably wont get one. But he absolutely respects those who have one for any reason. He would ask about your tattoo happily, knowing this could be a chance to get to know you better instead of people allways letting their shit out onto ya. After telling him your story, he is probably gonna get pissed at someone (or multiple someone's idk) in the story. But, you let him know that you're doing better now, time has passed and you carried trough it, succeeding and makeing it further than you tought
Ortho: this kid searched up the symbol, put together the meaning behind it quickly, so he just kinda, hugged you. Saying you're amazing, and that he is glad you're here. He dosent know much about the why, and he dosent want to force it, so he'll just be there if you ever need him
Sebek: I think at first, he is pissed. He doswnt understand why any being would permanently taint their body for asthetics. So, you explain as madly, or as calmly as you can the story of it. It shuts him up a bit, and he even apologizes. I think he takes health seriously since his father is a dentist, so mental qnd physical health is important to him.
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baeshijima · 14 days
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mmm thoughts of private executioner!blade, who is high priestess!kafka's bodyguard. well, more like her guard dog, as many fearfully seem to think.
he is aloof and gruff and rough around the edges, his name capturing it perfectly. when in the eyes of the public he either keeps to himself or stands ready by kafka's side, but when out he lurks in the shadows ready and waiting to carry out her death orders.
you, yourself, haven't had very many pleasant encounters with him... if you can even call them that. that being said, you haven't had many pleasant encounters with anyone. notorious for your... less than pleasant disposition, for a lack of better words, you have more people who'd rather see you run through than those you can call a friend.
in a dog-eat-dog world, you had no choice but to protect yourself. that, however, ultimately became your demise.
"oh? so you're the one sent to kill me. can't say i'm all that surprised."
standing before you is the feared executioner. his sword is tucked inside the sheath attached to his hip, that ever-present dark swirl of an aura stifling the air. he doesn't say anything, instead opting to silently stare down at your slumped and worn-out form. you find that his gaze doesn't bother you; rather, it's oddly comforting knowing someone will see you in your last moments.
"i've never asked you for a favour before, so this will be my first and last request for you." in all honesty, you're not sure where this chattiness stems from. considering you're currently in a holding cell under the crime of attempted murder towards kafka (a poisoned wine you were most definitely framed for, though you can't say you were surprised) and are awaiting for your turn to be under the guillotine for your public execution, you probably should be a little desperate towards the private executioner in front of you.
and yet, your mind is nothing if not peaceful.
with a huff, you relay your request, "can you make sure it's quick? painless, preferably, but i'd rather you just get it over and done with."
silence blankets the cold chambers. moisture accumulated along the cobble ceiling drip in a steady rhythm, like a clock ticking away the seconds. it's unnerving, almost, how there is not a single sound other than your impending countdown.
"why?" comes his low mutter, effectively causing a ripple within the stagnant air. you almost think you misheard him, but his following words cease the thought, "why won't you ask me for help?"
had it not been for the abrupt shuffle and clanging against the metal bars, you would have never looked up to see him in your last moments.
his scarred hands gripping the metal until his knuckles turn a ghastly white and blood dripping from his palms is what greets your sight. as your gaze slowly trails up, you almost let loose a laugh of disbelief; who would have thought blade, the infamous guard dog of the high priestess, could make such a desperate expression? one looking as though his whole world crumbled before him, in which he can do nothing but sit and watch.
(you will never know of the anger and desperation which coursed through his veins the moment he heard of your predicament. had it been anyone else, he wouldn't have cared. but you're not anyone else; you're you — unapologetically, wholeheartedly. it didn't take him long to hunt down those behind it, cutting them down without thought and putting an end to their miserable lives. he rushed as soon as he could when kafka gave him the order, no thoughts other than you, you, you, occupying his mind.
you will never know of the anguish which overcame him when he found you in such a state, your once healthy complexion and defiant gaze reduced to nothing but a tiredness which had always sat quietly behind your disposition. he's almost positive the muscle which unwillingly keeps him alive tore at the seems from your request, the acceptance in which you displayed causing his mind to go astray. even as he damn-near begs you to rely on him for help — to run away with him to some place no one knows of you and start anew there — you merely smile, resigned and peaceful.
you will never know of how much blade is willing to put on the line for you, for you never made it to see the complete and utter carnage he wrecked in your name.)
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sluttyten · 5 months
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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes
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qumiiiquinnquin · 2 months
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my anger is hitting astronomical levels lately and i hate it
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arsenicflame · 6 months
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ok really struggling to find balance i think i might log off again till thursday, you know the drill, queue keeps ticking you probably wont even notice im gone
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months
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I desperately need to be a scene kid for Halloween this year
#idk y but i suddenly realized that im an adult and could potentially buy the goth bullshit at hot topic#that 12yo me desperately desired. and then i was like oof but i like the contrast of color#like i think i really wanted to be somewhere between scene and emo really#but thrn i was looking at scene outfits and im like woof. this is the kinda cringe i love. all thr fucking patterns. all thr colors#i even have thr 1nvader z1m graphic tees in my closet... i think#i just dont kno how tf to do that to my hair and also i dont have actual makeup lol#but i must be a scene kid for Halloween. i want the most ostentatious outfit. oh god im gonna have to go to the mall#i havent been to the mall in ages. i need to go to hot topic and claires. is pacsun still around? do they still sell skinny jeans?#i feel like everythings all bland now in stores. where tf do i go to get early 00s and 2010s clothes#good will maybe??? oh god. its like 3.30am and my hormones r all fucked up so i was experiencing like the type of fear you have when youre#like a little kid in a dark room by yourself. its not fair. when my hormones shift it goes: im so depressed to im full of rage ill kill u#to the world is so fucking beautiful im gonna kill myself. like in a not worrying way idk how else to express the feeling. to the type of#unhinged and undirected fear that belongs to a kid who doesnt kno shit. also lil heart palpitations and sometimes feeling like im gonna die#its bullshit. y does my body hate me? ugh. at least ive got a Halloween plan now#unrelated#oh god. dont let me cut myself bangs. im trying to grow my hair back out lol. im an emo with no bangs
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holdingup-fallingsky · 10 months
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whomturgled · 10 months
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i have so many feelings and i hate it
#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and#and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and#i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and#its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine#and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like#be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work#even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much#and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea#and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an#auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them#i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk#i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all#i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but#ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u#ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are#i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too#but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf#i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc#like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk#i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can#like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and#more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff#i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m#bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh
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milo-is-rambling · 1 year
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Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*
#and don’t say take your medication#fuck. my moms sitting here like I was under the impression you had this all figured out and I’m like well I was under the impression you#we’re going to fucking sit down with me and help me book a room for the last night of driving bc I can’t book and I have to find somewhere#between like three states that will let me check into a hotel room bc if I get somewhere and they don’t let me stay I’m fucked and have no#where to go or sleep bc I can’t sleep in the car on the way back bc my car is packed to the FUCKING top with my brothers shit fuck fuck fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#it’s just like being a kid I can hear my family making fun of me for my emotions in the next room over FUCK I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE T#THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS#I think I’m having caffeine nic and med withdrawals at the same time while pmsing#AND WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR DRIVING BACK DOWN#I think I’m the biggest bitch on the planet rn#i was listening to father by tfb in the car and there’s a line about something about falling asleep while you drive and I apparently sang iy#with a lot of passion bc my brother said ‘please don’t’ and that was literally the first time anyone has called me on my recent musicchoices#but it really has all been like I need to go anywhere but where I am right now and I need to die far away and that’s it#no more starting over no more self hatred no more family shit I just need to stop#I want to hire someone to drive my brothers shit down to Florida and then I want to kill myself in New England#Anyways. I’m gonna go try to eat something and take my meds and then move stuff around in the car and also try to get a room somewhere by#the end of my trip and I don’t have much time at all and I need to kill everyone and then myself now now now now now now now now now now now#every time I move my body the entire world spins and idk if it’s anxiety or med withdrawals or being tired or what but I am losing it and I#feel like I don’t have it in me to drive any fucking more this trip and the way back is only just beginning#and in less than hour were supposed to check out of this hotel and go to my aunts for a big family celebration of my brothers graduation and#Mother’s Day and I’m going to see all my family who still has a fucking father and I want to be fucking dead I hate all of this I hate it#I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
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heartyearning · 1 year
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i love you older southern folks on the internet who make videos about fixing your various sewing and knitting machines
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noxtivagus · 1 year
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evening has come again huh
#🌙.vent#i'm really sorry for the vents lately but i need a way to let it out. & this. this is as far as i can go with that#i need to do better again i know i can i have to :') people waiting for me. others n me....#last night i downloaded a game for my friend. for her. & then another friend i told her i'll reply before the day ends :< 'take your time'#she said but sob she opened up abt smth n i wna help i really do & fuck it just hurts too bcs i know the ppl around me are. struggling too#i try not to put others b4 myself if i'm struggling like rn but :< i hate the helplessness. wish i cld do smth more for you#i wish i could at least be enough to help them. for you for you whoever you are i would always be willing to make these sacrifices#i'm gna cry it's been so overwhelming lately bcs i'm filled with so much hope and despair simultaneously#what do i do? which do i choose? how do i decide? how am i supposed to do. enough. find a balance#n then other friends i haven't gotten to replying yet today bcs oh i'm too worn down right now n i hate it so much i'm sorry#& other than all the stuff i want to do for myself and for others there's also things like school n#it hurts you know? i'm very much aware i've been worrying my family lately. i can't. sleep properly. i can't bring myself to finish eating#:< n then it also gets overwhelming when i. look to better things. bcs it gen makes me v happy when. idk i feel inspired or creative or wtv#but it hurts when it's also simultaneously so overwhelming bcs it's so hard to do something with it#& thinking of good memories. how fleeting those moments were. how times have changed. but also of. of how more may come#but maybe. maybe only if i'm better. if i'm not this hollow husk of my usual self? fuck i know i'm too harsh on myself. unnecessary pressur#i'm more than it i know. but at times it's just so hard to feel better when i'm. 🥹 i really really don't want to be a disappointment.#for others n. for myself.... bcs i know as always in the future. wtf the fuck happens then. i do know that parts of me will never change.#wnvr i look into my past i'll always know that i deserved being more kind to myself. bcs i'm human too.#this empty feeling of being stuck somewhere being hope n my despair hurts v much bcs it's so contradicting & overwhelming#n i wish in these moments i cld be enough for my future self. n for those around me#i wish i was better at communicating! tell everyone i know how much i appreciate them! how much i wish they'd stay in my life#i wish i cld really just say but i'm afraid that my honesty might scare you away. so instead i hide. you probably don't feel the same nyway#crying it hurts i think past experiences have made me too used to people leaving. but i can't be vulnerable enough to be#soft enough to the extent of being so honest. i've been hurt before when i was kind n younger n naive sure but oh so innocent#struggling sad n it was so bad then that i. oh i remember how it hurt.... i refuse to let myself go through that extent of loneliness again#i wish though that. i could. revive my mind. my motivation my inspo my creativity hasn't exactly dulled but it's become more passive#am i afraid that if i really be myself then i'll be alone again? if i'm weird if i'm too honest n soft n. i don't know.#it hurts feeling like i'm stuck with being too little n too much at the same time. how do i. just be. enough. for you. for me.#it hurts i'm crying i'm sorry i'm so sorry fuck i'm so overwhelmed n lost i don't want to think right now it feels so empty n i'm tired
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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months
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...
#let me express to u perhaps The frustration of my life#i like to learn. it is perhaps my favorite thing. new information. more more more constantly#but. my fucking brain is the fucking worst. because im not fucking stupid if i can focus and process the words being said i can understand#many things. i like to learn about math and physics and chemistry and biology and anatomy... ect concepts#but the focus and the processing of words is where we have problems. because i cannot focus for more than like 5min#i blink and suddenly ive been spaced out for a sec and need to reorient. i cant prioritize what to do 1st and im constantly bouncing betwee#tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words#problem. like my reading comprehension is so fucking bad. like i will read a book on paper and maybe retain 25% of the info if im not#hardcore trying. for a class where i had to do a ton of paper reading. i had to read everything out loud to myself. highlight important#info. write myself a summary based on the highlights and then read the paper again before i could even begin to feel comfortable in#discussions. it was so fucking frustrating and miserable. ppl will give me physical books and im like thanks i cant fucking read sorry#too fucking dyslexic. read and listen they say. u have to read and listen at the same time bc i cant pay attention and i cant read#so if i do both then maybe the info gets in. thats y i have to read aloud but i hate it and still get distracted#i mean. i probably just have an attention problem. its also really annoying that my short term working memory is so awful#bc in order to make things make sense i have to draw or write them out. i cant judt go off the top of my head or i get stuck saying thr sam#thing over and over and over. its like my ability to think is extremely shallow. but thrn i read papers and recognize concepts from classes#i took years ago and im like. fucking y cant i know what i know? my head feels so empty but info is in there somewhere#its just so fucking frustrating that i love understanding systems so much. complex annoying little systems that fit together like a puzzle#and my fucking brain refuses to accept the information im trying to get in there. so i return to a remark left on my dyslexia assignment:#intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate#also i freak out under time pressure lol. anyway ive just been reading papers for fun this weekend and remembering y i dont: bc its agony#but also i fucking love the concepts so much and i need a good understanding of photosynthesis before August when i join a photosynthesis#lab lmao. ugh. i love learning but my brain was not buildmt#built for it. if only if only someone could podcast about the obscure things im interested in while reading directly from the source#unrelated#also its like 105 degrees plus. its too fucking hot out#thats like 40 degrees C. the sun is like a death ray
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