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#i really love that there’s like this selfishness in sans
cherry-shipping · 5 months
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one of the (admittedly many) reasons i love love love LOVE my uf and ht self inserts i think is because all the shit i hate about myself is amplified with them and i LOVE them for it. theyre weird gross perverted overbearing annoying creeps who nobody really feels comfortable around. and its the BEST!!!!!!!!! like yeah they suck shit. they dont know anything and theyre genuinely disturbing and disgusting people. arent they just the BEST
#cherry chats#i happen to love girls who are the worst ever. is the thing#when my ht/uf inserts make everyone around them uncomfortable and gross people out and when nobody likes them i think its so awesome and fun#they both suck so bad. theyre awesome#they dont KNOW shit they cant DO shit theyre weird nasty FREAKS#theyre overbearing and clingy and creepy and selfish and completely fucked in the head. and theyre everythinf 2 me#^____^#i love my fucked up little self inserts. they are so not okay over there#had a visual image of my uf self insert lighting they and sans’ bed on fire cause he annoyed them. lmfao#blame kiss with a fist That song is everything in the world to me Ok#btw speaking of which i should really give my most common self inserts nicknames#because going ‘my uf and ht self inserts’ every time is a pain#like. my trollsona although i dont talk about them much is a favorite too and their name is zairku Cuz troll names etc#and in my head i nicknames my horrortale guy 207 for. some fuckin reason#ermm. whadda hell do i call that underfell freak then.#……………… cherry???? bc thats qhat i used to go by way way WAY back in the day???#and it. SORTA fits the general uf aesthetic…..???#well. just like how 207 was a placeholder that just became their nickname i guess cherry would be the same#if i called them that as a temporary placeholder while i think of something else itd just end up being their name anyway. lol#okie dokie hehehee thats good then ^__^ i think ill add that 2 my pages when i get out of bed#which is. very soon bcuz i wanna smoke. so im goin outside. its -4° out
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cinnamoneve · 28 days
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𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐛𝐢𝐚.
atelophobia \ əˌtɛləˈfəʊbɪə \ (n.) - the fear of imperfection of not being good enough.
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❆ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: gojo satoru x gn!reader ❆ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: satoru's been valued only what he could offer others, until he met you. ❆ 𝐰𝐜: 1.3k ❆ 𝐚/𝐧: more of a self indulgent character study to get back into the swing of writing !!! pls enjoy <3 ❆ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: none :3
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satoru gojo held many roles and titles in his life. he was a son, a sorcerer, teacher, role model, a special grade, the honored one, the strongest. the strongest. whatever that was supposed to mean.
he knew what it meant, sure, but the lines were blurred a bit around the parameters of what exactly his role was. he was satoru, gojo-san, gojo-sensei, and whatever sweet term of endearment you thought up for him. between that, satoru’s identity and purpose got muddled as the titles and meaning were ever-changing.
he didn’t feel a certain way about any of it, really. or so he thought. the one accolade satoru couldn't claim was being totally indifferent.
you almost admired that aspect of him. how his nose scrunched up when something he eats tastes off, how he played with his blindfold when he needed to get something off his chest. or maybe, it was the way his eyebrow twitched ever-so-slightly if you pronounce a word in a funny way. there is no subtle, subdued, or nonchalant bone in your boyfriend’s body. everything on his mind was said before his mouth even opened.
because of that, you knew satoru was happy to be home by the way he refused to leave your side. it’s rare he gets a decent break like this; his students had a week-long retreat in kyoto that he’d meet them at eventually. for now, he had some small ends to tie up on the homefront that he was dragging out so he could stay a bit longer with you.
satoru sat on the edge of the empty bath, admiring you as you did your skincare at the vanity. if his legs weren’t long enough to touch the ground, you imagined he’d be swinging them back and forth as he gushed about his students.
“...and maki beat mai in a one-on-one. again.”
you rolled your eyes as you clipped hair away from your forehead, “even i could’ve predicted that.”
“i don’t know why those two always find each other if they’ve got such a grudge,” 
you patted your face dry.
“it must be a sister thing,” you chuckled.
“something like that, i guess,”
“you’re not upset you’re missing it?”
satoru studied you in silence as he let the question linger a bit more. part of him was. maybe more than just part of him. he let out a hum as he thought about it.
“not really,” he concluded, “i want to be here,”
you smiled at him through the mirror as you caught his eyes. 
“it’s okay to be both, babe. be as selfish as you want,”
was it really okay for him to be selfish? nobody had ever told him before that the choice was his. even if it always was.
satoru had spent a lot of time being what other people said he should be. unfortunately, most aspects of his personality and day-to-day life were not decided by him. maybe it was atonement for the way he acts. could it be his fault? is it punishment for the gift he didn’t ask for? it’d be rich to still call it a gift. it was more like a plague, or a curse. something he had to bear and live with, master and hone. 
it was admired, it was hated. it controlled him, he controlled it.
everything he was, fundamentally, came from what he could provide.
satoru didn’t realize how exhausting it was until you came along and shared the burden with him. silently, lovingly, and effortlessly. maybe he was a little selfish. was it selfish to miss his kids in kyoto while having the love of his life in front of him? or maybe it was selfish to relish in the time at home and drag it out for one more minute with you.
being in between is lonely. 
but the loneliness will pass, just like time always does anyway. and being lonely with you is still being with you in the first place.
satoru sank into the empty bath, letting his body fold as he lay across the width of it. he sighs heavily and smiles, closing his eyes. his drama was unsurprising–all you can do is shake your head and take his place on the edge of the bath.
he peers up at you.
“selfish, huh?” 
you place your hand on his knee, thumbing over where it bends as a way to soothe him.
“mhm, why not?”
satoru tilted his head back, just barely, looking up at the bathroom fan as he tried to think about what to say next.
“i’d like to stay like this for a bit longer,”
you smile warmly at him.
“in the bath? clothed like this?”
it wasn’t about the empty bath. or the clothes he was wearing. just like how it wasn’t about him learning about your skincare routine. it was never about the stories of his students, or the way you always checked in on megumi. nor was it about how you took all of his clothes when you were cold, knew how he liked his coffee in the morning, or the way he made sure the bed was nice and warm before you joined him there.
it was so much more in so much less. in his worst moments, he was in a warm bed with you, hearing you talk about your refreshingly mundane day as you drew a nonsensical pattern on his chest.
everything he was came from what he could provide, right? that’s how it always was.
what he inherited preceded his name, his personality, and everything nuanced about him. nearly everyone in his life cared more about his ability than anything else about him. he’s convinced people knew his technique more than they knew his favorite color. the music he liked. his favorite food. trivial things overshadowed by what he could provide. 
but the only thing he had to provide to you was love.
to you, who he was came from what he could provide. and that was pure, warm love.
he was matching pajamas, two cups of coffee waiting to be filled, two toothbrushes sitting together on the counter. he was the seat warmer that he always turned on for you when you rode in the passenger seat, along with the playlist he made with songs you listened to together.
it was refreshing. 
with you, he wasn’t satoru gojo. not the strongest, not gojo-sensei, not a special grade sorcerer. 
he was him. and it was always enough for you. 
satoru when you were doubled over from another lame joke he told, begging him to stop making you laugh so hard.
baby when he had a particularly hard day at work, holding onto your body on the couch like detaching from it would kill him.
sweetie when he was being ridiculous, dramatic, and over-the-top, watching a smile tug at your lips as he intentionally got on your nerves when you tried to hide it.
honey when you didn’t feel well, and he got to spoil you more than you’d ever let him before.
among a million other things. but never what you expected of him. 
most importantly, and his favorite, was when you called him love. is that what you really saw him as? it made him melt. the jujutsu world hardened him, but you turned a blind eye to that. it was enough to make him fall in love every day all over again.
what a privilege, he thought, to be so calloused and still love.
“yeah, in the bath like this,” he muttered.
you slid in next to him, folding your body too so the two of you were sitting in the cold, empty bath with your legs sticking out of the side.
“well, i’ll join you then, love”
there it was. he hummed contently. 
satoru felt like for a majority of his life, he felt like he had to search for his other half. seemingly, he was whole all along.
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all content © cinnamoneve 2024. do not repost, modify, steal, or copy without permission.
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ponderingmoonlight · 2 months
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Imma be an anon cause I'm bit scared . I fell in love with the way u write.
May I get a Headcanon with nanami if you're comfortable 🥺
A hurt /comfort where NANAMI raised his voice at reader which lead reader to distance him for a long period?
You can go anything with the plot . Thank you!
Hey honey, I'm not writing headcanons atm because I'm not comfortable with, but I decided to turn this into a full on fic instead - hope you like it, let me know! ♡
Nanami Kento raising his voice at you
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Pairing: Nanami Kento x reader
Word Count: 2,1k
Synopsis: He had no other choice but to scream at you in the middle of a fight, snapping at you like he never did before. It took both of you a few weeks to realize that you can't be with each other...
Warnings: Listen, I adore the gentleman Nanami fics (as you can see on my own blog lol) but it was so much fun to let this man snap as well, to let his temper show once, this is a classy hurt to comfort with some angst - enjoy!
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„Don’t do it, (y/n). You’ll get yourself in serious danger. Stay behind me and let me handle this.”
You huff in sheer frustration, eyes piercing through the back of his perfect undercut. Why? Why isn’t Kento Nanami able to trust you? You are a grade 1 sorcerer just like he is, so skilful with handling your sword that even Gojo is impressed by your abilities. But despite all of that, he positioned himself in front of you instantly when that special grade curse appeared, blocking every minor attack that might come your way.
Oh, how much you love that man, how much you adore the way he cares about you deeply. It’s not a secret to anyone how you feel for each other, how your eyes light up when he enters the room, how his gaze instantly softens for only you.
“I’m a big girl, I can handle this myself.”
But this is too much. Damn, you’ve been a jujutsu sorcerer as long as he is, constantly training to get better and better. It’s not fair to lock you out of this fight when your-
“Stop contradicting me all the time!”
The sharp tone in his usual calm voice makes you flinch, body moving backwards automatically when he turns around. His eyes are cold, so cold that your blood seems to freeze in your veins. You’ve never seen him like this, especially not when it comes to you. That sweet and tender man with a face that doesn’t show any emotion most of the time now looks down at you with venom spitting from his orbs, arms so tight that his veins look like they’ll burst any minute.
“This is too big for you. Now do me a favour and stay.in.line.”
“But I’m-“
“ENOUGH!”
“Kento!”
“You are acting like a stupid child! Now do what I said!”
You are lost at words, eyes staring into his furious ones until he turns around and hunts after the blue-haired curse named Mahito again.
A wave of agony washes over you before you can stop it, body feeling numb. It’s ridiculous to be hurt about his words, surely he didn’t mean to raise his voice at you, but still…
You swallow hard. But still it fucking hurts. Since you’ve known him, Kento never snapped at you. Not once, not in a million lifetimes. He was always tender when expressing his opinion just like you are. Yes, there were never heated arguments, cruel words or loud voices from any of you. But he just broke that unsaid rule.
He really hit you where it hurts.
-back at jujutsu high-
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
Your fingers ruffle through the pink hair in front of you gently, eyes scanning over Yuji’s bruised body. What an impressive boy he is. How did he manage to break through this sphere, to almost end that curse? For a new jujutsu sorcerer, he is remarkably skilled - and a true sweetheart on top.
“I’m doing fine, don’t worry about me, (y/n)-san. How are you feeling? You seem so…I don’t know, different I guess. Are you alright?”
You force a small smile onto your shaky lips. Is it selfish that you can’t forget the way Kento barked at you, that he basically told you you are too weak for this fight? You wish you were better than that, strong enough to outstand your self-seeking feelings and visit him in the hospital wing.
But you simply can’t. Not right now. Not when his stinging voice is still so present in your mind.
“Don’t worry about me, okay?”
“Hey, how you’re doing, sweet cheeks? Nanami is asking for you, are you free?”
You swallow away the big lump forming in your throat, eyes not daring to look up at her.
“Actually, I still have to tell Gojo what happened. Thank him for his invitation, I have to keep going.”
You need to get out of here as fast as possible, away from the stinging gaze of Shoko who knows exactly something’s up, who eyes you up and down. As if in trance you storm out of the hospital wing, straight into the burning hot sunlight, heart pumping so hard against your ribcage that you feel like fainting any possible minute.
“ENOUGH!”
His voice still echoes through your head, makes you feel like a child again. Kento never looked at you this coldly, without any emotion in his usual so soft orbs. What on earth did you do to upset him like this? After all, you were on countless missions together before, defeated multiple grade 1 curses side by side. What was different this time? Was it Yuji, the bad weather? Why did he decide to scream at you like this?
“What are you doin’ here? I was already on my way to look after you in the hospital wing. Aren’t ya supposed to be by Nanami’s side?”
Your heart stops for a minute. Fuck, Gojo Satoru and his cheeky smile are definitely the last thing you need right now. If he only knew how much his words make your heart sting in agony, how much strength it costs you to act like nothing happened. You know how ridiculous it must be, avoiding the love of your life over some random words and a harsh tone.
But you can’t help it.
“I was on my way to report about the mission”, you explain briefly.
“Is there something you need to tell me? C’mon, you can’t even look at me (y/n).”
Your glossy eyes dart towards Gojo. God, how pathetic you feel. Why aren’t you able to just get over it and move on? Why are you making things so hard for both you and Kento, standing here on the brink of tears instead of being by his side?
“I can’t have it right now, Gojo. Just leave me alone.”
But despite the way your heart aches for him, you continue walking towards your dorm. That stone cold look on his face, the way he clenched his fists.
“This is too big for you.”
“You are acting like a stupid child.”
You shake your head violently. No, you aren’t able to simply forgive and forget what you saw that mission. This man wasn’t the Kento Nanami you know and love, not the man you thought he was. What if it was all a lie? What if this is what he really sees in you? A weakling, a dumb child.
Breathe in, breathe out, don’t lose your composure.
“I need some time for myself…”
-a few weeks later-
Kento hates it with every fiber of his being. Waking up in the morning, your face still present in his sleep-drunken mind until reality hits him. Since he lashed out, you didn’t talk more than a few necessary sentences with him. And even though you don’t seem to be cold and distant, everything just changed.
Oh, if he could turn back time, if he was able to take back all those things he said to you. He should have stopped when you flinched backwards, should have stopped when your eyes turned glossy. But he knew your life was in serious danger, that Mahito is no curse to be messed with. The decision between hurting your feelings or watching you die…
At least you’re safe. At least Mahito was too focused on finishing him to even involve you into his sphere. This should be everything he cares about, it’s only naturally that you are hurt. But still…What would he do to hold you again, what would he do for you to smile at him as brightly as you did back then. He misses you with his whole heart.
“You could just try talking to her, y’know? I bet (y/n) might understand”, Gojo tries to cheer him up, legs laying stretched out on the table between them.
“I don’t want to force myself onto her. After all, I deserve her anger and disappointment.”
And oh, it was written on your face. The way your trembling lips parted, how your eyes widened just the slightest when his words hit you like a train.
“C’mon, don’t be so hard on yourself-“
“I hurt her. And I will never forgive myself for doing that”, he interrupts the white-haired man determined.
“Well, could you forgive yourself if she got killed?”
Nanami lets out his breath, simply stares into the distance. Of course Gojo is right. Damn, he doesn’t regret his decision. But still…
It hurts.
“Sorry. Do you have a minute to…talk?”
His heart stops beating. There you stand, nervously picking on your nails while you look at him. God, he always looks so fine. Why on earth does he have to look so fine? No, you have to focus. After all, you are here to talk things out. These last weeks were nothing but torture for you, your heart bleeding waterfalls every time you saw him. Oh, you never knew you were able to crave someone else this badly.
But there you are, standing in the door like an idiot.
“You sure can! I’m doing…some other stuff I guess. See ya!”
Within the blink of an eye, Gojo is gone in the wind and leaves you alone with him.
“You don’t have to stand there. Please, sit down.”
That gentle tone you know you well, his inviting voice that makes your stomach drop from time to time. With wobbly legs, you cross the room to sit opposite to him on the still warm chair of Gojo.
What are you supposed to say? How are you supposed to act? Your mind goes blank, forgets every little piece of conversation you trained these last days. Fuck, why are you even here? Maybe you should just leave-
He grabs your hand.
Nanami Kento grabs your hand.
“Let me apologize for the things I said to you back then. It was in no way right to snap at you like that. But when I saw what Mahito is able to do, when I realized he is far better than all the other special grade courses I ever encountered…(y/n), it might sound selfish, but all I could think about was saving you.”
You stare at him in utter disbelief, heart beating out of your chest. Did he…did he really say that?
“You…wanted to save me…”
“You are a skilled jujutsu sorcerer, probably better than me. But if it wasn’t for Yuji, I would be dead by now. To think that you might die…I couldn’t take it, (y/n). You are everything to me.”
“Everything…”
“This might be the wrong moment, the worst timing for saying such things. But I love you, (y/n). I loved you with all my heart for ages, love you for everything you are. Even though you aren’t able to forgive me what I said, even though you don’t want to see me again…(y/n), I love you.”
The countless nights you kept yourself awake pondering about how he feels for you, the countless nights his words echoed through your heart. The countless nights you thought you interpreted his affection wrong, that he doesn’t feel the same.
Vanished into thin air.
Nothing but a fade whisper in the darkness.
“These last weeks you were all I could think about. I thought you might not feel the same, that you might not be the person I thought you were-“
He squeezes your hands firmly, the troubled ocean of his eyes getting lost in yours.
“I’m not able to put my feelings into words the way you deserve it, (y/n). But I know for sure that I’m hopelessly in love with you.”
You snap. All these nights without him, the grief you were put through, his gorgeous face close enough to touch while you couldn’t allow yourself to. With a swift motion you crawl over the table that divides the two of you, closing the distance of these past weeks with a kiss.
A kiss that contains all the anger, the disappointment and the affection you hold for him. That gorgeous man who swept you off your feet. That gorgeous man who showed a side you’ve never seen before, who risked his own life in order to save yours.
Nanami Kento.
“God, I love you (y/n). I love you so much”, he mutters against your lips, hands pressing you firmly against his warm body.
“I don’t want to let go again.”
He smiles against your mouth, eyes gleaming like the sun itself.
“Then don’t”.
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Tags:  @arehzhera @ploylulla @tzubaki @beatrexworld @kenstarsworld @dazaisdick @hellkaiserinphoenix  @lauv4chuuya @shadowfoxey @starlightanyaaa @sindela @kayleegomez @sunshine7queen @magalimachete @mokoartpost @gatitam @idontknow1123 @creative1writings @sanicsmut  @mynahx3 @sad-darksoul @chilichopsticks @hellkaiserinphoenix @chuyasthighs0 @ynackerman9499 @keepghostly @wxwieeee @lovelyluna1 @froufrousnowman @hidazinie @tomiokathedepresso  @gojosrealwife  @coffeeluvr96 @mahi-tamashi @weebotaku21 @chaoticwinnercupcake @lees-chaotic-brain  @risuola  @sugurulefttesticle @wordskeeper @baku2345 @polarbvnny @ruixrei @bam-bam-bam-bame-blog @lavenderdrxp @localhehecat @alicerhr @kayleegomez @belovedvamp @wifenanami @chilichopsticks @dlwlrmas-world @oikawarz @darkstarlight82 @satoreo @luwumii @tachiharazsstuff @kentocalls @cheesemachine44 @kenjakusconcubine @baku2345 @komelrebi-san @deezy12299 @busyreader17 @4pgletter @okay-it-is-ivy @iluvtoru
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general-cyno · 2 months
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I've been on law backstory brainrot and one thing stuck on my mind is the topic of lies, wrt rocinante in specific. I find him fascinating as a character and it's like - the flashback focuses on law, of course, since it's part of his story, but it's still somewhat objective. we're shown some of rocinante's inner thoughts at times. he's kinda hard to pinpoint though, in terms of overall personality. there's the little brother and son of former celestial dragons, rocinante the marine, corazón the executive, and law's cora-san.
a line that stayed with me despite the kinda goofy context was law's the most ridiculous thing about you is the only part that's true, back when rocinante first revealed his motives after learning of law's full name. rocinante is sincere but not necessarily always-honest. it's all over his character too, what with being an undercover agent. rocinante lied to doflamingo and his crew, he lied to his adoptive father/father figure, he even lied to law, denying his identity as a navy officer and insisting doffy wouldn't kill him. even so, the one person he apologizes to? is also law.
we don't really know if covert operations within the marines were always his thing or just something he did because it involved his brother. regardless, rocinante was forced to lie for different reasons: for a greater good (his mission to stop doflamingo), for law's sake (stealing the op op fruit). when faced with the brat he'd grown attached to and wished to save, he lies again, but only because he didn't want law to hate him. there's just something painfully bittersweet about it. it's a little selfish too. he didn't regret lying to his older brother. he didn't express regret over lying to sengoku, the man who'd raised him like a son, either. it's in the moment of his imminent death and the exposure he subjected himself to so that law could escape, when he voices it out - I'm sorry for lying, I just didn't want you to hate me.
rocinante was willing to make an enemy out of everyone, even the organization he belonged to and the man who'd raised him, yet it was law he didn't wish to be hated by. his last direct words to law were I love you and an apology, neither of which he received a response to. rocinante died not knowing for sure if law felt the same or if he resented rocinante for his association to the marines but he didn't need to, anyway, because reciprocity wasn't the point. he saved law because he loved him and saving him was the right thing to do, not for the D or whatever destiny awaited law in the future, just because he was a kid who'd suffered so much and deserved to live and be free. this is pretty much what law's conversation with sengoku is about, too. don't ever attach a reason to the love you've received.
on the one hand you've got rocinante who died, uncertain of whether law hated him or not, for the lies and all, hoping to be remembered for his smile. not knowing law would build so much of his self and life around his cherished memories of cora. on the other, there's law who spent thirteen years being unable to realize how truly unconditional cora's love for him was in the end, up until the aftermath of dressrosa. such a tragic duo for real.
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seonghwaddict · 8 months
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in your arms — choi san
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request by @sankatchu. “Just saw ur seonghwa angst and it absolutely destroyed my heart but since I am a wreck for angst could you write the most heart breaking angst (with a happy ending bc as much as I love it I can’t deal with no comfort 😍) for my man sannn &lt;3 ?”
pairing. choi san x reader. genre. heavy angst, comfort. warnings. argument, car crash, injury description, a lot of crying, hospitalisation, pet name (my love). wc. 1117 words. (i would usually write 1.1k but this was too cute sorry not sorry).
[ listening to . . . ] lovememore. by dosii.
         main masterlist
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your whole world shattered within a day and there’s nothing you’ll regret more than letting it happen. it was a day like any other, but soon enough small irritations that accumulated over the course of months finally snapped and caused an argument with your boyfriend and the love of your life, choi san.
the relationship you two had was always very loving and despite being together for nearly a year, you were proud to say you never had any serious fights with him. until today, you supposed. there wasn’t really a point to the argument but you figured he must’ve been stressed from work—comebacks were always a bit hectic—and neither of you had been getting much sleep.
“just stop being so selfish and so self-righteous and leave me be for a seco-”
“get out.”
his anger faltered for just a moment before it was back, much more visible than before; his shoulders tensed and his fists clenched. “what?”
“i said get out. you said you wanted me to let you be, so leave. get out and come back when you’re ready to talk this through properly.”
The subject of it didn’t really matter anyway and you couldn’t even remember everything that was said, just the way your heart shattered when he walked out of your apartment with a slam of the front door behind him. even though the sadness of it all hit you as soon as he was gone, your rage never settled. how dare he talk to you so harshly? san was a painfully soft man—gentle words and tender touches. you’d never seen him like that.
san wasn’t sure where to go at first, but soon enough he was in his car, driving down the nearly empty streets at one in the morning and heading to the dorms he shared with his members. buildings rushed past him and soon enough his rigid posture relaxed, his hands on the steering wheel loosening as he sighed deeply. he contemplated turning the car around to go back and apologise, but before he could he felt the air being knocked out of his lungs as the screech of tired ripped through the air.
for a moment everything was silent, san’s ears ringing as he slowly started to figure out his bearings. the car was flipped sideways as his left shoulder was pressed against the shattered glass of the window and the concrete of the ground. his thoughts were slow, a sluggish attempt to keep him awake as he tried to move his limbs. he ignored any injuries he had, his hand reaching for his very cracked phone as he called the first person that came to mind. you.
but you didn’t pick up.
so he left you a voicemail, the high pitch of sirens already approaching in the background. with a final “i love you” he ended the message, coughing just after as he clicked his seatbelt off and slumped against the ground. after a few more breaths, he let his eyes close.
you were positively hysterical once you finally listened to the voicemail, hot tears running down your cheeks as you rushed to the nearest hospital that they must’ve taken him to. after talking to the receptionist and figuring out where his room was, you burst inside the room and stopped in your tracks.
his members were there, looking pale scattered around the room in varying states of distress, but you barely registered them as your heart sank. there were a few cuts and bruises blossoming on the sharp features of his face, a small plaster taped on his forehead. his left shoulder was wrapped in bandages as well as his right wrist. someone hugged you tightly as they cried into your shoulder, you didn’t really care who, though you figured it was wooyoung judging by the familiar smell, but your eyes stayed fixated on the unconscious, fragile body of san, the monitor next to him beeping at a steady pace. 
once he let go of you and told you they had to leave for schedules since the company didn’t want fans to worry too much, you took some tentative steps to the hospital bed. even though he looked quite beaten up, he still had that tenderness about him. with a frown and small furrow to your eyebrows, you let your fingers trace of the scratched on his hand.
before you knew it, you were sitting on chair you pulled next to the bed, holding onto his hand for dear life as you laid your head on his lap, not caring that your tears were staining the pristine white blanket. eventually, you fell asleep like that.
the next morning you stirred awake, a familiar hand brushing through your hair. a small noise leaving your lips as you turned your head and looked up. suddenly you had the energy of five redbulls as you jumped up and embraced him tightly, ignoring the fact you were probably suffocating him as tears began streaming again.
“i’m s-so so sorry, are you okay?” you told him through sobs and sniffles, “god, i’m so stupid and you’re right, i’m selfish and i should’ve just shut up, t-this is all my fault.”
san lifted his right hand to pat your arm gently before grasping it and pulling you away from him with the same slowness. as your tearful eyes looked into his strikingly soft ones, his hand moved so he could wipe away your tears. “i’m okay, none of this is your fault. i never meant a single word i said, you’re not selfish and fuck i would never want you to shut up. i should be the one apologising, my love.”
you lips trembled as you nodded slowly. “b-but if i never made you leave this wouldn’t have happened, it is my fault.”
“whatever happened, happened. please, don’t beat yourself up over this.” he pulled you close to him and his lips pressed heartfelt kisses to your hair as you buried your face in his uninjured shoulder, one on the nape of your neck and the other rubbing your back. “it’s okay, i’m okay, love.”
“i should be the one comforting you.” 
he chuckled and moved his hand from your neck to your cheek, guiding you to face him before leaning up to press his lips against yours. it was a firm kiss, wordless reassurance that he knew you needed as you melted against him and pressed yourself closer. his lips left yours too soon for your liking as he pressed more fluttering kisses on your cheeks, stopping your tears in the tracks, leaning back as he pressed one last kiss to the tip of your nose.
“i already find comfort in your arms.”
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  [ lilo's notes ... ] this ended up being a lot sadder than i intended but i hope you like it sankatchu!! writing angst is honestly so much fun but sometimes my heart can’t take it
  [ network ... ] @cromernet @blankjournal
  [ perm taglist ... ] @ad0rechuu @sankatchu
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Baby
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❥Yandere Park Seonghwa x fem reader
SPOOKTOBER SPECIAL
➯a/n: this is a work of fiction and does NOT represent a healthy little and caregiver relationship, or a healthy relationship of any kind. this is messed up but i wanted to experiment with my writing and i think i succeeded. let me know what you think of this cause i would love love looooove to write more
✃ "You're my baby, say it to me." - Mitski, I Bet on Losing Dogs
✫彡wordcount: 4k
♡'・ᴗ・'♡(ಡ‸ಡ)genre: yandere, HEAVY angst
ಠ_ಠwarning/content: stockholm syndrome, mind breaking, spanking, mentions of bribery, mommy hwa (i cannot help myself)
⁂taglist: @stvrfir3 @tunaasan @marievllr-abg
✩index: little space; a regressed state of mind where one feels like a child. hyung; a name for an older male friend or sibling, used by other males.
MATURE UNDER CUT MDNI
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    "I'm home, sorry I'm late!" Seonghwa called out as he entered the apartment, looking around the empty rooms. "Baby?" He peeked into the kitchen, dinner untouched on the stove. "San?" The living room, the news channel on mute. "Mingi?" Both of his roommates rooms, desolate.
"No!" Your shout calls him to his room at the end of the hall, followed by a clanging and a yell of pain from his friend.
"Baby?! Baby!?" He turns into his room in a panic, eyes wide as he witnesses the scene infront of him.
You're curled up in a ball in the corner of his bed- head in your knees- with San holding Mingis arm as he curses under his breath, one of your bottles on the floor at their feet. "Hyung," He turns quickly and picks up the bottle, pointing it at you accusingly, "she threw this at Mingi!"
"Baby, why would you do that?" He takes the bottle from San and slowly kneels on the edge of the bed, reaching for you.
You say nothing, only whining and kicking his hand away. So he turns his attention back to the younger members. "What happened?" He wants to scream at them, really. How could they make his Baby cry when they know everything he went through and continues to go through to have you as his own? But that would only make you more upset. You don't like when he raises his voice, so he keeps it calm. "Is she hurt?"
"Hyung... We really didn't mean to, we tried to-" Mingi is almost in tears, he truly feels for you. But it's been months. If he could have helped he'd of found a way by now. But they need Seonghwa. And some of the members wouldn't even dream of turning him in- even after what he's done. For selfish reasons maybe. But it doesn't matter why or why not. You've been stuck in their apartments for half a year. They'd thought all of your deficiency had passed. That they could pretend it was okay.
"What happened, Baby?" He turns back to you, gently touching your knee.
That little touch seems to make you snap. Screaming obscenities in his face as you go on and on about how you are not, in fact, his baby. You aren't his at all. You want to go home. You don't love him. You don't like San. You don't like Mingi. You don't like any of the members, actually. You don't like living here. You wish you'd never even met him.
All three of them watch aghast, jaws dropped as you yell insult after insult at them. Hot in the face and tears streaming down like a waterfall so harshly that they wet the collar of your baby blue dress and pool as a drop on your chin. You grab the little plushie that Jongho made with you and hurl it at Seonghwas face, hitting him on the nose.
He watches it fall to the floor and his eyes don't seem to move after that. He's forced to listen as you insult his character directly now. He's a insane person. He's a pervert. He's sick in the head. He's annoyingly overbearing. You loathe his guts. You wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire. You'd shoot him twice if you were in a room with him and a hungry tiger with only two bullets. You loathe his entire being. You aren't his Baby. You aren't even his girlfriend. He's delusional.
The words ring around his head hauntingly. You can't possibly mean those things. He takes care of you so well. He gives you the world and all he asks for in return is your love. And he's gotten it. At least he thought he had. He woke up with you by his side and went back to bed the same way. You gave him kisses on the cheek. You let him play with all of your favorite toys that no one else can touch. You let him bathe you and dress you. You let him do everything.
"Do you hear me?" You scream, throwing his neatly fluffed pillow at his already lowered head. "I hate you!"
The world stops in that moment, the millisecond that word slips from your mouth.
    It's silent in the room. In the apartment. Not only could you hear a pin drop—
    You can hear the single tear fall from Seonghwas eye and collide with the hardwood.
Both of them look at him. You look at him. He looks at the floor. There's a visible shift in his aura. He goes from unreadable to pissed in the blink of an eye. His shoulders tense up and his breathing gets shallow.
He stands up, almost robotically. He picks up his pillow and dusts it off, placing in back on the bed where it belongs. His gaze doesn't even bother to meet yours as you watch him with wide, fearful eyes. He grabs the plushie and sets it down as well. "...Get up. Bend over, Baby."
"Hwa, wait, pl-"
"Before I get the paddle."
He doesn't say anything else, glaring down at you as you move tentatively. After an incident with an unlocked window and some sheets resulting in you being dragged to Hongjoongs room by the ear, you don't even want to see the paddle. You had to sit on their laps or a pillow for two weeks straight, if memory serves you right.
    He doesn't reach to move you faster. He stands at the edge of the bed, deadly silent. He only intervenes when you look to Mingi and San beggingly. "You're not allowed to look at them anymore."
That was a rule when you first arrived. You only got that privilege a few weeks ago. You figured it was probably to make you feel distance to the fact that these were people, who could potentially help you leave him, and not just disembodied voices and lower bodies. A way to make you feel even more lonely. Even when they were so close that you could here their breathing.
Like now, Mingi lets out a few small sniffles here and there. Sans breaths sounds anxious. Like if he moves an inch that he will be next on his Hyungs list.
As you bend your body over the edge, they avert their eyes. They may be complacent with Seonghwas actions, but they will never cross that line. They, all seven of the younger members, promised it. Never touch you. Never take advantage of you. Never directly help Seonghwa control you in any way. In fact, most of them decided it would be best to help you however possible, without ruining all of their lives in the process. Getting you small gifts that Seonghwa pre-approved. Stealing you away to the other dorms for a movie night. Sneaking you an extra sweet or episode of cartoons when you were deep in little-space.
But there was nothing they could do when Seonghwa told you to do something. To go to bed early. To let him wash your hair. To give him a kiss. To suck on his thumb. To bend over.
So they could only look away with heavy hearts as he flips up your skirt and rips -quite literally- your underwear away. The sound makes Mingi cringe, your crying pleas for him make him want to disappear forever. "Ming, please, don't let him! I'm sor-"
Seonghwa doesn't even start easy on you, he smacks your bottom harshly, over and over again until your cheek is sore and aching all the way through to your hip. And then, for the briefest moment, you all think it's over when the loud echo of the smacks finally ceases. But that was only him moving to get a better angle on your other side.
    You cry loudly, and the sound officially makes Mingi cry. He lowers his head and turns his body away completely to try and distance himself from the abuse. San gently takes ahold of his pink in his own. It does little to comfort either of them, but it reminds them both of the pact that they made.
     All of their pinkies interlocked, a promise that they would do their best for their obviously challenged Hyung.
        Both of your cheeks bruising and hot to the touch, Seonghwa finally backs up. He moves his knees from their place on either side of you and lets you crumble to the floor in a pile of sobs. He stops briefly to pull your skirt over you half-hazardly before leaving you completely alone as you blubber into your arms.
     His palm is red, as angry as he was. He takes a deep breath as he takes a pump of lotion, rubbing it into his hands as he turns to the other men.
      "Tell me what happened."
    Mingi wipes his face roughly, straightening up as San speaks lowly, "we turned on the TV. We were going to watch a movie, but... but she saw it on the news before we could even change it."
    "What did she see?"
   "Her missing persons photo..."
The door was locked behind them and there was no noise in the apartment. If you hadn't known better, you'd say they all left. But Seonghwa refused to ever leave you alone. Even when all of the members were busy. You either went with them or had a staff member watching you, one who'd coincidentally received a raise moments before.
You stayed right there on the floor for the longest time, sobbing and snotting all over the floor as you tried to calm yourself.
Oh, you really outdid yourself this time.
Even at his angriest, Seonghwa never left your side when there was a tear in your eye.
You knew he had no tolerance for that word. Hate. Ironically, you could say he hated it. Especially when it came out of your lips. You once said you hated the show he put on. He gave you a fourty minute lecture and three smacks to the behind.
And you just aimed it right at him. You meant to make him angry. And you succeeded.
Now, into the night, when he still hasn't returned, you start to wonder wether you snapped his last string of humanity. If he hated you just as much as you claimed you hated him. If he's out in the kitchen planning how to get rid of you.
Your body aches as you sit up, screaming at you as you crawl into the small pink tent in the corner of the room. It's placed on top of soft play mats and filled with baby-ish things that he insisted you needed every time he saw them. The softest blankets. The cutesy, most hug-able plushies. A small box of your favorite pacifiers and toys.
You untie the ribbon keeping the sheer fabric open and let it drape closed, as if it will shield you. Perhaps, in your fragile mind, it will. He never comes in here, only ever reaches in to grab the blankets to wash every other week.
You let yourself flop onto your side into the pile and find yourself sobbing all over again. Maybe, just maybe, in a fucked up, delusional way... Seonghwa does care for you. Maybe, just maybe, in his mind, he does all of these things because he believes it best for you.
You can still see Seonghwa in his room when he's not there. Maybe that's why you hate being cooped up in here. Always begging members to let you hang out in their rooms instead.
It's so neat. Even after the chaos of earlier. So color coordinated. Grey and white and warm lights.
You're the only exception. Toys and clothes and books strewn about in your little corner, just out of sight of his cam-corder.
   Maybe that's why you get so mad when you slip out of the little space he's built for you. You know you don't fit into his life seamlessly. You know the truth of your situation. So you may as well start making the best of it.
    With a groan of effort, you sit back up.
   It's well past midnight when he turns the lock on the outside of his door. Which also means its well past your bedtime. You've become so well accustomed to it over your time together, he figures you've probably fallen asleep.  
       And he's right. He immediately spots you on his side do the bed, holding his pillow tight to your chest with your swollen eyes closed.
    A pant of regret hits him right where it hurts as he realizes just how much he made you cry. How much he made you hurt. His anger got the best of him, and it hurts his heart that deep down, he knows it won't be the last time.
     He's done it to everyone. His family. His members. Himself...
    His darkest thoughts reach out in the corners of his mind, saying that his Baby is better of without him. But he is quick to slap them away as he tip toes into the room.
    Somethings off, somethings different. Everything is in place.
    All of your toys and coloring books and short stories. All of your pacifiers and stuffed animals. They're on the shelf exactly how he puts them during his Sunday reset cleanings. All of your favorites are on the wall, your side of the bed. The multitude of blankets and throw pillows in your tent are folded and organized neatly. Your tears and snot have been wiped up. Your ripped panties in the bin.
    "Oh, my Baby," he whispers, immediately crawling into bed behind you and holding your back close to his chest, careful to avoid your bottom. He doesn't even want to fathom what he did to you... "My Baby..."
      He can't help but cry, though he tries to do so silently. He wants you to rest, you need it. But the smallest movement of the bed wakes you in your fragile state.
    When you stir, he expects you to crawl away. But you don't. Instead, you roll over to face him and shimmy into his arms. "Hey, sweet girl," he coos hoarsely.
     You were right, earlier. You weren't left alone in the apartment. San was sitting in the living room comforting Mingi as Seonghwa stormed off and went upstairs to Hongjoong. While they sat in silence, he screamed and screamed and screamed until he couldn't breathe.
     Eventually, Hongjoong and Yunho got him to calm down, and they talked and talked and talked. Yunho suggested, lightly, that you should stay the night with them. And then Seonghwa screamed some more.
     In all this time, your nighttime routine had never been interrupted. He had a very specific way the two of you did things before bed and he would have it no other way. In all this time, he's never let you out of his arms as he slept. Even that first night, you kicked and screamed and punched until you passed out. But you did so in his arms.
    "Mommy." It's a simple acknowledgment, but it calms him ever so slightly. He takes pride in that name. And it makes him happy you can still call him that after what he's done to you.
     "Are you okay, Baby?" He knows that the answer is no. But he'll give you the opportunity to speak for yourself. To tell him how to help.
     "Hurts," you sniffle as you press your face into his chest, " 'm hungry..."
     "Come on, Sweetpea, I'll take care of you."
    You koala hug onto him, arms around his neck and legs around his waist as he stands.
    And the nighttime routine starts now, a pattern of familiarity to calm both of your shot nerves.
    He gently sets you in your seat at the table, but not before pacing down a pillow he grabbed while passing the couch. It still burns even with the soft cushioning below you.
You eat in silence. Usually you would speak about your days, and the next one's plans. But there doesn't seem to be any words that either of you can find at the moment.
He rinses the dishes before picking you back up. No matter how many times you insist you can walk- he insists right back that his Baby must be carried. You pass Mingi on the way to the bathroom, and he gives you a small wave, his eyes bloodshot and his posture slumped. But he can't help the small smile that tugs at his lips as you wave back over Seonghwas shoulder.
The pillow goes down on the counter before you, and he starts your meticulous skin care. Your face wash, then his. Your toner, then his. Moisturizer, eye cream, spot treatment, the list goes on until your both brushing your teeth.
You will admit Seonghwa takes exceptionally good care of not only himself, but you as well.
He likes to massage your face after all is said and done. He says it's good for blood flow, which is true. But he does it for a few simpler reasons.
Your face in his hands. And a chance to admire you at the end of the day.
No matter how rough of a day it was. He could always count on this.
He cups your cheeks as he stands between your legs, massaging them gently. "My Baby." He whispers. So quiet you actually miss it. You're too busy melting into his affection. "You're my Baby." He speaks, however lowly.
"Mhm," you moan quietly, blinking up at him, not knowing what exactly he's meaning.
"Say it to me," he says. He pleads. His forehead rests on yours. Eyes growing wet as he uses your eyes as a window into your soul. "Please."
"I'm your baby," you whisper just as gently as he. Nodding against his head lightly. "I'm your baby, Mommy."
He nearly collapses as his shoulders finally relax. His mind flooding with happiness as he hears those words. You're all he's ever wanted. You're all he feels he truly has.
He knew it since the moment he saw you. So delicate, so beautiful and kind. He was overcome with an urge that he can only describe as a mix of pure love and anxiety. He loves you so deeply, how can he ever rest if he doesn't know for certain that your safe and taken care of? So he took matters into his own hands.
He's never felt it before. He knows he'll never feel it again. He will never. Never. Love someone as much as you. As much as his Baby.
You reach up and wipe his tears gently, the tiniest of smiles playing at your lips, "you gonna wash away all the stuff you jus' put on."
He can't help the chuckle that leaves him, leaning into your touch as it leaves a tingle on his skin, "you're right, Baby."
He gently, oh so gently, places a kiss on your lips before your routine resumes.
He leaves you to do your business as he goes to the living room and gathers your pajamas, and when he comes back he finds you all done, rubbing your bottom with a pout. "Oh, Baby, I'm so sorry! I forgot, it must have hurt on the toilet," a pout of his own forms as he crouches and rummages through the cabinet.
"Yeahm," you whine, watching him closely as he grabs a tube.
"Bend over, Baby." That simply sentence almost has you spiraling again before he reaches and rubs your head ever so gently. "It's okay, it's okay. It's numbing cream. Let Mommy put on you and it'll feel better, promise."
You hesitantly bend over the counter slightly, and are relieved to find he's telling the truth. He's barely touching your behind enough spread the cream, his touch is so light. But he manages to apply the treatment without causing you any more harm.
You know that this will be part of your nightly routine again when he sets the tube down with the rest of his products. It mocks you as you look at it. Knowing you'll have to hear those words over and over again until you're healed.
He helps you rid your dress and redresses you in one of his t-shirts before changing into his own pajamas.
As he carries you back to bed, you speak up while fiddling with the buttons on his shirt, "Mommy?"
"Yes, Baby?"
"Can sleep in my tent tonigh'?"
"Oh, Baby, you know I have to hold you to fall asleep. Baby can have a nap in there tomorrow, how about that?"
"No, Mommy too," you look to him with a pout as he closes the bedroom door behind you, "Mommy in the tent." You point to it as if he doesn't know what tent you're referring to, and it makes him laugh how adorable you are when you're so deep in little-space.
"Okay, Baby," he sets you down first and lets you crawl in, watching you with stars in his eyes as you curl up under the blankets and move to make room for him.
His feet poke out of the side even as he's curled spooning you, and he knows the sight is probably ridiculous. But it's very possibly the coziest he's been with you. The tent and the plushies inside of it smell like you. All of the soft blankets have accumulated into a weighted blanket of sorts and keeps you both warm in the cold October air. His chest pressed to your back and your numbed bottom snuggling back into his hips. Your soft, calm breaths luring him into a state of tranquility. He stays just like that, for a long time, it feels like. It almost feels like he's meditating. His soul being cleansed. He can see why you like it here-
Oh. Oh, he's really in here.
It dawns on him as he looks up. What is usually a white ceiling is a pink fabric just a few inches away from his face.
You invited him in.
Ever since he set it up three months ago, you made a strict 'BABY ONLY' policy. And you stuck to that. Not even Jongho, who was admittedly your favorite of his members, was allowed in. They were all confined to the play mat just outside.
But not anymore.
He thought after the pain he had caused, after the outside world had reminded you what he'd done, that your progress would be set back. That he'd back back to square one with a brat. But, you went ahead and proved him opposite.
You proved him that you are and will continue to be,
His Baby.
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You Catch More Bees With Honey: Chapter 11
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Pairing: Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw x Reader
Part of the San Diego Dogfighters universe
Summary: Bradley Bradshaw, blindsided by a team he trusted like family has been traded to the San Diego Dogfighters. Across the country from the place he calls home, Bradley feels lost and betrayed. Not to mention the familiar faces and ghosts from his past that he now has to face every day at work. Bradley’s caught between wanting to show his former team the mistake they made in double-crossing him and wondering if it’s time to hang up his skates after one final season. You’re living your dream as the PR representative for the Dogfighters. When Coach Maverick made a bid to bring his godson to the team, you hadn’t batted an eye. Bradley was a good teammate, and a good player. Unfortunately, the Bradley that shows up in San Diego is nothing like your research suggested. He’s moody, irritable, aggressive, and angry, throwing a wrench in all your careful planning. What’s caused such a drastic change in him? And can you figure out how to help him before he makes a mistake you can’t fix?
Chapter CW: 18+ ONLY, swearing, arguing, dead parents, mentions of major character death, fluff, angst, age gap (28 and 38), enemies to lovers, suggestive language, hockey inaccuracies etc. No use of Y/N.
Word Count: 4.9k
A/N: This was a really hard chapter for me to write so I hope it manages to convey what I wanted it to
Previous Chapter // Series Masterlist // Next Chapter
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Bradley frowns in the mirror. He glances at his phone and frowns again. If he keeps this up he’s going to be late. The truth of the matter is that he doesn’t want to go. It’s Friday. It’s been a week since getting back from D.C. and it feels like it’s been a million years. He’d gotten used to it, waking up with you in his arms every morning. Every night this past week he’s had to stop himself from asking you to come over. He’d put the ball in your court, though. You’d asked him to pump the brakes so he had, and he’d promised to respect that.
On top of that, he hadn’t seen much of you this week. The two of you have been busy working nonstop since getting home early Friday morning. You’d both headed home half-asleep from the airport before having to be back first thing Saturday for a game versus Vancouver. The most time alone you’d gotten together was that Saturday morning when you’d called him into your office to sign the official paperwork that would make your relationship officially disclosed to the rest of the team. He smiles as he remembers your soft smile, shy as you signed your name next to his. He’d been sorely tempted to take you right then and there on your desk but he knew that was strictly off-limits and questionably unprofessional at best. He’d settled with a simple kiss to your cheek that had your skin heating under his lips in a way that he loves so much.
Saturday’s game was followed by two more home games on Tuesday and Thursday with Carolina and New Jersey respectively. It definitely didn’t help that yesterday’s game had been nationally broadcast which meant you’d been absolutely slammed with work and preparations all week. He also knows you went out last night with Mickey and some of his former New Jersey teammates.
It didn’t make missing you any easier. He doesn’t have time to call you but he does it anyway, putting the phone on speaker as he fixes his hair. It’s been too long since he’s gotten you all to himself and he’s feeling selfish tonight. You pick up on the third ring, your bright voice echoing around the empty bathroom as he smiles to himself, his mood already lifting. “Hi Bradley, what can I do for you?” He chuckles.
“What? I can’t call my girlfriend without wanting something from her?” It’s new, this label you’ve put on things. Actually, neither of you has yet to actually use the label but he likes the way it sounds in his mouth. He hears your breath hitch and he knows he’s caught you by surprise. Suddenly he’s wondering if he’s overstepped when your voice fills the room yet again.
“Your girlfriend?” Your voice is tentative and he wishes you were here so he could wrap you in his arms and chase away all your doubts with his lips.
“I know I didn’t sign an official form to be the guy you occasionally kiss and take spontaneous road trips with, Honey.” He hears you giggle and his smile tugs wider.
“Plus I guess it would be pretty awkward if you introduced me to your parents and I wasn’t your girlfriend.”
“Nah, I would have introduced you anyway. They would have loved you.” He says and sighs deeply as he looks into the mirror again. He doesn’t want to go to this dinner. He wants to invite you over and have your laugh bounce off the walls for real. He wants your warmth to fill every room of the apartment. He wants to sit you on the kitchen island while he cooks for the two of you and then he wants you to spend the night in his bed so your scent will be glued to his sheets until the next time he can coax you there.
“Any fun plans tonight, Bear?” Your sweet voice breaks through his thoughts and his lips twitch at the new nickname.
“Bear?” He hears you giggle again and smiles.
“Yeah, because you’re big and scary when you want to be but you’re also a secret cuddler and give the best hugs.” He can imagine the way your cheeks are heating as you continue to rain compliments on him. “And bears like honey.” You add matter-of-factly. This bear happens to love honey but he knows better than to mention that right now. “So? Any fun plans tonight?” He groans then as he’s reminded that if he doesn’t leave soon he’s going to be late.
“Dinner at Mav’s.” He doesn’t have to say anything for you to know exactly how excited he is for that.
“And how are you feeling about that?” You ask tentatively and he sighs.
“Honestly, Honey? It’s the last place I want to be right now. I’d much rather be having dinner with you.” He can’t help the admission as he lets it slip.
“That makes two of us.” Suddenly he really really doesn’t want to go. “But that being said, I’ve had a migraine and hangover all day after last night.” You let out your own groan and a fond but concerned smile touches Bradley’s lips. He wants nothing more than to wrap you up and spoil you rotten. He can tell you’re exhausted and he wants to be one to take care of you.
“Get some rest, Honey, you’ve had a long week.” You groan again and Bradley hears paper rustling. His brows furrow as you confirm his suspicions.
“I’d love to but I’ve got a literal mountain of paperwork that needs to get done before I can leave. And then I have to go grocery shopping because there’s literally nothing in my fridge.” You let out a frustrated whine and Bradley’s about five seconds away from texting Maverick to cancel so that he can bring you here and dote on you. Unfortunately, his mother’s voice in his head takes that exact moment to remind him that Penny’s making dinner and while Maverick certainly doesn’t deserve his respect, she does.
“Tell you what, Honey.” He hears you hum in response. “Finish up your work and come over. I’ll give Tony my spare key and tell him to let you in. Order some pizza and get comfortable and I’ll be back before you know it.”
You’re silent for a long moment before you ask. “Bear?”
“Yes, Honey?”
“Do you have a tub?” He blinks, surprised by the question as he turns around and looks at the free-standing porcelain tub behind him.
“I do.” He hears some rustling from your end before you ask.
“Can I have a bubble bath?” His laugh echoes off the walls of the bathroom at your simple request.
“Honey, you can have whatever you want.” He replies and he’s surprised to find that he truly means it. He’d lasso the moon for you if you asked and he’s not even sure what you’d want it for in the first place. He hears your squeal of delight on the other end of the call and smiles as he imagines you here, in his space, the thing he’s been dreaming of all week. “Honey, I hate to cut things short, but I need to start heading over to Mav’s. I’ll see you after?”
“No problem, see you soon, Bear!” Your voice is much more cheery than he feels but he can feel your infectious attitude raising his mood. He hears the line disconnect and lets out a heavy sigh.
The promise of you waiting here when he gets back is what drives him to finish getting ready. He makes sure to give Tony the spare key and doesn’t miss the look the older man gives him when he tells him to expect the young woman from last week. His cheeks are still pink when he pulls out of the parking garage.
***
When Bradley finally sees the house he can’t help the disgusted sneer that pulls his lips. The house is huge, to say the least. He knows he shouldn’t be surprised, given Mav’s long and highly decorated career, but all he can think about is the house he grew up in. How the lawn was almost always overgrown while his mother was alive and the paint was almost always peeling off the sides no matter how much he tried to help with the upkeep when he had the time. Mr. Peterson from next door had helped out more often than not but Bradley remembers the feeling of the calluses on his mother’s hands when he held them, first as a small child and then later at the cusp of adulthood as she’d laid in the hospital near the end. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in his mother working, but he knew deep down that that wasn’t the life that she or his father had imagined for her when they got married.
Carole Bradshaw was Nick’s Princess, his Queen. He wanted to give everything in the world to her on a silver platter. And he’d been on the road to doing so. He’d made it all the way to the NHL, and he got to play on the regular roster. Things were looking up. Carole could focus on raising their son instead of struggling to make ends meet, filling the kitchen table with her delicious cooking instead of piles of bills that needed paying. It would have broken his heart to see how her life turned out.
They weren’t poor, not by any means. Bradley knew that as much as he knew that it was mostly due to the person whose driveway he was currently pulling into. Maverick had been nothing but generous when it came to money, but there were simply some things that money couldn’t buy and he didn’t seem to understand that from the limited conversations Bradley had had with him.
Bradley thinks back to Dare’s little bungalow that he’d visited barely a week ago. She’d coached the Pittsburgh Penguins to five Stanley Cup wins and yet she isn’t living in this state of excess. What disgusts him the most is that she should be. All of this should be hers too.
He tries to get his temper under control as he strolls up the walkway to the double doors. He hears barking coming from inside and when he rings the doorbell he does his best to smile back at Penny Benjamin. Penny Benjamin is a confusing situation for him. He knows that none of this is her fault, Mav abandoning his entire past and everyone involved in it, but it’s hard not to blame her when she’s here, living in Maverick’s McMansion with her pseudo-husband and dog. He leans down to scratch the ears of the elderly Labrador. “Bradley, glad you could join us, come on in.” He follows her inside, down hallways lined with photographs from over the years of Maverick, Penny, and a little girl who ranges in age across the various photos. “That’s my daughter, Amelia,” Penny explains when she catches him watching.
“Yours?” He asks before clarifying. “Just yours, I mean?” He can feel his cheeks heating as his mother’s voice chides him for asking such an inappropriate question.
She doesn’t seem ruffled, nodding. “Just mine, from my ex-husband. She’s probably around your age, she was barely a few months old when I met Maverick. He may not be her birth father but he’s the only one she’s ever known.” Bradley hates the bitterness that pools in his stomach at her words. The jealousy that he could have been the child in the pictures on the wall, doted on by his godfather who should have stepped into the role left vacant by the death of his father.
He’s doing his best to reign in his emotions as they reach the dining room, but it all goes to hell the moment he realizes he’s not the only guest at this dinner. Seated across from Maverick is none other than Dare. Bradley has to fight to keep his hands from curling into fists at his sides because the woman at the dining table is nothing like the one he’s seen before. Usually Dare is the picture of confidence without looking cocky. She knows what she’s doing and she’s not afraid to show it. She reminds him of you and the kind of woman that he’s sure you’ll grow up to be. Now that confidence is gone and Bradley’s fighting the urge to throttle the man that he’s sure is responsible. She looks unsure of herself and as uncomfortable as he feels to be here if not more. He immediately moves to take the seat next to her, keeping his eyes off Maverick as he does his best to assess for damage. He knows it’s probably nothing that he can see but he wants to because all he sees is his mother after a long day of carrying a burden that’s not hers to carry anymore. He can’t count the number of times he’s seen that face and it breaks his heart to see it now, on the face of someone who shouldn’t have to suffer but who is anyway. All because one self-centered fool can’t be bothered to get his head out of his ass.
Maybe he does it out of protectiveness, but maybe he does it out of pure spite, but he does it anyway. He wraps his arms around the older woman, the way she had done for him in her kitchen while he fell apart in his arms. He knows it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but he intends to make up for the sins of his godfather if he can. Be there for the person who was there for his mother, for him even if he hadn’t been able to fully appreciate it at the time. The way her body tenses under him at first is the only evidence of her surprise at the gesture but she reciprocates the hug and Bradley finds himself engulfed in a scent that stirs in his memory. He can’t draw a concrete image from it but he knows he’s smelt it before like these hugs aren’t something new just something forgotten. When Bradley finally breaks the hug to sit next to Dare, Maverick is looking at them, surprised.
“I didn’t realize the two of you were close.” He says awkwardly. Bradley knows he shouldn’t do it but there’s something so satisfying about seeing Maverick as uncomfortable as he and Dare are so he pushes.
“She’s my godmother, why wouldn’t we be?” Sure this thing with Dare was new but that didn’t negate the fact that she’d been around his whole life. And sure he was stretching the truth a little, but measured on a scale of Maverick’s involvement in his life? Dare was winning the godparent race by a landslide. Maverick’s eyebrows raise with surprise, and Bradley watches the confusion swirl in his eyes. He’s fighting the urge to smirk as he feels fingers brush his own and he laces them. His throat is rough as he feels the callouses on her palm and he wonders at how much her hand reminds him of his mother’s, the soft wrinkles on the back contrasted by the rough patches on the front.
Penny breaks the tension as he comes back into the dining room from the kitchen. “Bradley, can I get you something to drink?” He tears his eyes away from Maverick and stares at Penny for a beat too long before he mutters that water would be fine.
“So, why am I here?” Bradley asks once Penny has retreated to the kitchen.
“Dinner, I thought I told you,” Maverick starts before Bradley shakes his head.
“Not here at your house, here in San Diego.”
“Bradley, why don’t we wait until later to discuss-“
“No, we’re doing this now because I need to know.” He’s tired of dancing around the question that’s been plaguing him for almost six months now. Sure, he didn’t exactly regret the move now, but he wasn’t ready to just move on like nothing happened. “Not only did you uproot me from the team I’ve played for my entire career, but you made me leave my friends and my home. I deserve an actual answer as to why. And don’t you dare say you did it for me because if it was for me, you would have picked up the phone to ask me first instead of going behind my back.” In the back of his mind, he’s proud of how level he’s managed to keep his voice but at least part of that is due to Dare’s hand in his, squeezing tight in solidarity and grounding him.
Maverick shrugs like it’s a no-brainer. “I had the chance to work with you, so I took it. I thought it would be a good experience for us.”
Bradley feels all the fight drain out of him. All the pain that’s been caused and Maverick treats it like it’s nothing. Because to him it is. “What did you think? That I’d come to San Diego and suddenly I’d be ready to come over and drink beers and sing Kumbaya? What have I ever done to suggest that I would be interested in a relationship with you at all, professional or personal?”
“Bradley, I’m your godfather-“
“BULLSHIT.” Bradley’s voice is raised finally as his emotion gets the best of him. “You may think you’re a god but you are certainly not my father. My father is dead, my dad is dead, and you had every opportunity to step up and be there when I needed you. When my mom needed you. When we needed you, but you didn’t.” He’s breathing hard. “That’s the thing that you just don’t seem to get. You don’t get to decide when I need you. You don’t get to be my godfather when it’s convenient for you and you’ve run out of hobbies to pass the time. I have a life! I have goals! None of which involve you. You don’t get access to my life just because of some title my dad thought you were worthy of. Because that’s just a word, you have to earn it.” Dare’s grip on Bradley’s hand is bordering on painful at this point but it feels good. It reminds him that he’s capable of feeling. The physical pain complements the emotional pain that’s threatening to tear the heart from his chest. He’s breathing hard and every part of him wants to leave right now. Except that he doesn’t want to leave Dare here. And he feels terrible about ruining Penny's perfectly good dinner. When it’s clear that Maverick isn’t about to argue any of the points that Bradley’s just made he stands and walks into the kitchen to cool off.
Penny’s filling a glass with water and passes it to him wordlessly and he drinks it, hoping to cool his head. “Sorry to ruin your dinner.” He says awkwardly as he fiddles with the glass. She shakes her head and takes the glass back from him, refilling it as she considers her words.
“You’re hurting Bradley, I would hate for something as simple as a dinner to cause you more pain.” He nods silently.
“My mom would be so disappointed with me right now.” He’s not sure why he admits it but it’s all he can think of as he looks around the kitchen at the plates of sides and cooling casserole dish on the counter.
“Really? Because if I was her I’d be proud of you.” He looks back at Penny, eyes wide with surprise. “You stood up to Pete, and told him your real feelings. You were honest with him even if it hurt you to do it. I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of. That’s brave.” She reaches up then and cups his cheek gently, a fond smile on her face. “I’m sorry that I didn’t push him more, to be a part of your life, to be there for you and your mom. I was selfish and I never meant for you to get hurt by that.” Bradley shakes his head.
“You were probably scared that he’d leave you too. It seems like that’s all he’s good for.”
“I was scared then, yes. And now I know that I shouldn’t have been because that’s not Pete, not really. He’s a complicated man and doesn’t always have the best judgment but he’s good under it all, I can tell you that much. It’s completely fair of you to not want him to be a part of your life, but if you ever decide otherwise? We’ll be waiting for you.” Bradley swallows hard, unable to look her in the eye. “Can I pack some dinner up for you, sweetie?”
He nods absentmindedly before adding. “Can you pack some for Dare too, I don’t want to leave her here.” Penny just nods and sets about getting out some Tupperware.
“I don’t blame you.” Bradley blurts out before he loses his nerve. “Just because I’m mad at Maverick doesn’t mean I’m mad at you. We choose who we love, we don’t choose who loves us.” She gives him a soft smile.
“That’s a good insight, Bradley.”
“It’s what my mom used to tell me.” He shrugs even as he feels the tears pressing against the backs of his eyes. Penny finishes boxing up two dinners and Bradley takes the two plastic bags from her as they go back into the dining room. “Aunt Dare, are you ready to go?” The words, although new, feel familiar in his mouth like a warm hug. She looks at him surprised and then her eyes fall on the bags in his hand and then shift to Penny who just smiles.
“We can reschedule for another day.” Dare nods and a silent conversation occurs between the two women as she stands and follows Bradley to the front door. Penny sees them out. Maverick still hasn’t gotten up from the table.
Once the front door closes behind them, Bradley and Dare walk to their cars in silence until they get to them. “Do you have any plans for the evening?” Bradley asks, tentatively. He knows you’re probably still at work since he’s barely spent thirty minutes here. He also knows you’d want him to do this instead of worrying about you. Dare shakes her head, still quiet, considering him. “What do you say we take dinner to your place?” She smiles gently and then wraps her arms around Bradley. He relaxes into her embrace.
“Thank you, Bradley,” she whispers into his hair and his heart clenches at the thickness of her voice. “Dinner sounds lovely.” She says as she lets him go. “I’ll meet you there.”
They get into their cars and Bradley follows Dare back to her place. He frowns to himself when he sees the overgrown yard. She lets them in and he excuses himself to the bathroom while she dishes up Penny’s food. When he gets back, he’s just about to sit down at the kitchen table when a shout from Dare in the kitchen makes him freeze.
“Maverick, get off the counter RIGHT NOW!” He whips around, expecting to see a man but instead, a burst of orange fuzz speeds out of the kitchen in a blur. Bradley follows the blur as it perches on the arm of the sofa, regarding him with yellow eyes. The orange cat is more fur than cat and looks fairly old despite how spry it clearly is. “Maverick Mitchell the Third, you know better to get on the kitchen counter.” Dare comes out of the kitchen, an unamused scowl on her face as she sets her hands on her hips and glares at the cat. “Can’t you see we have a guest?” The cat, Maverick, turns to regard Bradley curiously. “Bradley, that’s Maverick.” She says to Bradley, her scowl melting into a look of fondness. Bradley gives the cat a half-hearted wave, still recovering from the shock of the cat sharing a name with his godfather.
“He wasn’t here last time.” Bradley blurts out lamely and she chuckles, bringing out two plates.
“He was locked in my room. I didn’t know if you were a cat person and I didn’t want to appear too much like a crazy old cat lady.” Bradley smiles at that.
“You’re not old.” He points out.
“But still a crazy cat lady noted.” She smiles back and Bradley laughs, putting his hands up in mock surrender.
“Your words, not mine.” They laugh together and the tension from earlier seems to seep out of both their bodies. “So, you named your cat Maverick?” He says as they dig into the food. It’s delicious and he makes a note to mention it to Penny the next time he sees her. Dare nods thoughtfully.
“Pete was always just Pete to me. I hated that nickname, so I never used it. Then when I got the cat to fill the void it just felt right.”
“Maverick the Third?” He asks around a bite of chicken casserole.
She shrugs. “I’m old after all.” There’s a lull in conversation as they east before Dare speaks up again. “Thank you, Bradley, for what you did today.”
“I meant every word of it. I know you’re upset that you weren’t around more when I was younger but you’re here now and I want you in my life if you want to be.”
She smiles and he can see the shine of tears in her eyes as she says “I’d like that very much.” He scoots his chair closer and reaches his hand out to hold hers. The sight of her wedding ring still on her finger makes his heart ache subtly. He can’t right every wrong that she’s suffered, but he can do his best.
“Aunt Dare, do you have a lawnmower?”
***
A few hours later Bradley’s riding the elevator back up to his apartment, reeking of dried sweat and freshly cut grass. It's the last he could do but he’d felt the conviction to get it done tonight. Admittedly it had been a while since he’d cut grass but he figured it looked alright when he finished. The sun has long since sunk beneath the horizon and he hopes you haven’t been waiting for him too long. The idea of feeling you in his arms propels him out of the elevator and through the door. He could really use one of your hugs after the evening he’s had.
“Honey?” He calls out for you as he enters the apartment, but he’s met with silence. A glance by the door tells him that you’re here since your sneakers are lined up neatly. He walks down the hall. “Mom, I’m home.” He calls out the photo as he passes by, more preoccupied with finding you. A glance at the living room tells him that you’ve been there. A blanket is rumpled on the couch where you were clearly wrapped in it and a pizza box lies abandoned on the kitchen counter but there’s still no sign of you. He doubles back and checks the guest room first but it’s pristine. Remembering your request for a bubble bath, Bradley heads into the master bathroom and while the room is still sticky with humid warmth and the tub contains remnants of said bubble bath, you’re still yet to be found. He heads back to the living room and tries the balcony. He knows from your last visit that you enjoy the view. He walks the entire length of the wrap-around balcony but it’s empty.
He’s genuinely starting to worry for your safety when his eyes fall on the glass door leading into his bedroom from the balcony. Not even a week ago you stood where he does now, blatantly ogling him as he got changed for game night. Now it provides the answer to his quest. You’re curled up in his bed, facing the window. The lights are still on but by the steady rise and fall of your chest, he can tell you’re asleep. He lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding as he heads back inside, coming into his bedroom from the hallway. You’re indeed asleep, on the side of the bed you favored in D.C. As much as he wants to talk to you about the events of the evening he can’t bear to wake you when you look so peaceful. Stress doesn’t mar your features as you sleep and he begrudgingly trudges to the bathroom to shower before slipping in beside you. He knows he should wake you up, and give you the option to go home but he’s feeling selfish tonight so when he comes back to the bedroom to still find you sleeping soundly he turns out the lights and slides into the bed beside you. He’s resigned himself to staying on his side of the bed when you scoot your body up against his. He reaches for you instinctively, pulling you close and when you curl against him all is right in the world.
“Goodnight, Bear.” Your half-asleep voice murmurs as you drift between dreams.
“Goodnight, Honey.” He whispers back, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head as he lets the warmth of your body and the steady beat of your heart lull him to sleep.
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A/N: Bradley and Dare’s relationship is so special to me you guys, I love it so so much.
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silverbladexyz · 4 months
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HEYY! ok hear me out… Dazai x fem reader who just like radiates god and dom energy and he’s rlly down bad for her and the agency are just 👁👄👁 from Dazai’s total submission to her but she’s just brushing it off as a joke and giggling with him.
I owe a huge thanks to @sariel626 for helping me with this oneshot. I hope you like it anon! 💕
The image used does not belong to me. It belongs to it's original owner.
TW: Mentions of suicide and death. Dazai being Dazai. Female reader
An unexpected ploy
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It was just another normal day in the Armed Detective Agency.
Currently, it's members were all busy investigating a case regarding a rather bizarre murder involving a government official.
"Now, miss, we're going to have to ask some more questions about what you have witnessed. Did you see anything else that was strange when you stumbled upon the scene of crime?"
Kunikida, notebook in hand and a pen in the other, was getting ready to write down any more observations that the witness may have remembered.
The witness, a young woman in her 20's who went by the name of Mitsuki, shakily opened her mouth to answer.
Only to be interrupted by a certain detective.
"Ah! Who is this lovely woman? No, lovely is too insulting of a word to describe your perfect beauty~"
Well, it was a normal day until the suicidal maniac just had to intrude.
An irk mark formed on Kunikida's head as he started to berate Dazai for rudely interrupting the conversation, but Dazai was Dazai, and he never listened to the man's lectures. Instead, he knelt down before the witness, his lips curling up into a handsome smile as he gently took her hand in his.
"My belladonna, despite all the stress and horror that you went through, you still manage to look radiant and ephemeral. My day has been brightened up with just your pure beauty."
"Would you perhaps join me in a lover's suicide-"
"Dazai?"
The man seemed to instantly perk up at your voice.
"Yes, my belladonna?" He focused his charming gaze upon you.
Exuding a calm and assertive aura, you smiled back at him. It was a smile that could get many people on their knees before you.
"What are you doing? You know full well that she doesn't need to be seduced. In fact, it's the last thing that she needs right now."
"..."
"..."
"... You're right! How foolishly selfish I've been! My deepest apologies, my dear; I do find you beautiful, truly I do," Dazai clasped the Mitsuki's hand to his chest, looking at her with a somewhat apologetic look in his eyes.
"But I've found someone much more charming and attractive!"
"E-eh?!"
The bandage squandering machine had instead sauntered to your side, grabbing your hand and gazing at you with such utter adoration in his eyes that it made you chuckle.
"Y/N-san, my belladonna, how about we commit a double suicide instead? Your confidence, your gorgeousness, your everything has captivated me and I fall in love with you deeper with each passing day. This really is none other than-" He was cut off with a giggle.
Dazai's eyes widened as he saw a beautiful smile form on your face, and your eyes seemed to shine as you looked back at him.
"Ah! You really are such an angel! No, a goddess! What did I ever do to deserve to be graced by your presence!" He clutched his chest dramatically, making fervent gestures with his other hand. The rest of the Armed Detective Agency members sweatdropped as they saw this scene play out.
"H-hey, is Dazai-san really alright?..." A concerned Tanizaki whispered to an equally-as-concerned Atsushi, who nervously watched the whole scene play out.
A loud thud! sounded throughout the Agency.
Dazai had been thrown across the room by a ticked off Kunikida.
"Ouch! Kunikida-kun, why did you have to interrupt-"
"Quit messing around! We must gather as much information as we can from the witness, and here you are being an immature idiot! Besides, flirting is highly inappropriate within business grounds! Especially in the middle of a rather important case!" Kunikida continued to lecture Dazai, who merely sat there and retorted with many childish statements.
"My apologies, miss, my idiotic co-worker is always like this," you said, apologising to the stunned Mitsuki, who was watching this unfold as if pigs had started to fly.
"But Y/N-san really is lovely! Ne, Y/N-san, you still haven't said whether you were going to commit double suicide with me yet!" Dazai eyed you from where he sat on the ground, and you discreetly smirked.
"I'll commit double suicide with you only if you complete your paperwork."
The silence that followed afterwards was deafening.
"... Y-you aren't serious, are you?..." Tanizaki managed to stutter out, still processing the fact that you had actually proposed that. Mitsuki made a small noise of agreement, staring at you as if you'd grown three heads.
You merely locked eyes with Dazai, neither of you saying anything for a full five seconds.
The tension that followed was thick enough to be cut with a butter knife.
A ping! sounded. You opened your phone, and nodded.
"Well, that was lovely and all. But I'm afraid that our little act ends here."
Dazai broke the silence, his eyes now dark as he turned towards Mitsuki.
"Mitsuki-san, you were almost perfect in diverting any suspicion away from you. But I'm afraid that despite how believable your story was, it wasn't enough to be fully convincible."
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Atsushi about to interrupt, but you silenced him with a glance. The rest of the Armed Detective Agency kept quiet, as they trusted that Dazai knew what he was doing.
"N-now hold on a moment! Why are you suddenly accusing me? I didn't do anything! I told you already, I had only-"
"-Stumbled upon the body of the government official as you were heading home from work," you gracefully cut in, rising from your chair as you fixed your gaze upon the witness, who was wide-eyed and trembling.
"You said that the government official was dumped in some small back-alley. But that was where you went wrong." You nodded at Dazai, who continued your explanation.
"But that was suspicious in itself already. If the victim was a government official, criminals would want to avoid the body being found in the first place. Why? Because the government would then be performing a search high and low for the murderer, using their best resources to find whoever killed one of their own. And criminals hate exposure; especially by someone as powerful and ruthless as the government. The body would normally have been disposed of completely, leaving no trace for the government to find."
"But how does this have anything to do with me? Maybe the murderer was in a rush and simply dumped the body in the alleyway. Or-"
"The body wasn't haphazardly dumped. It was placed neatly on the ground, and besides, your accomplice was always one to do things in an orderly manner. Am I right, Mitsuki-san?"
"W-what?! What is this nonsense?! I didn't even know who the government official was-"
"I thought that it was too much of a coincidence that you were the one to walk by a seemingly strange murder." You smiled at the lady, who looked at you bewilderedly.
"So I asked someone that I knew to look into any recent conversations you had which may be linked to this case. And lo and behold, my suspicions were correct. Despite your messages to your accomplice being encrypted and deleted afterwards, they were easily found by Katai-san." Taking out your phone, you showed her the evidence that Katai had sent you.
A message on the 11th of May, 7:16PM. "I'll need you to take care of a person for me. Best to make it quick and seem like the work of an underground organisation."
Another message on the 13th of May, 5:30 AM. "I've changed my mind. Dispose of the body in the alleyway near my lodging."
You put your phone back into your pocket.
"Even if you might protest and say we have no proof that you were the one who sent the messages, Katai-san had managed to track down and locate your accomplice. He's currently being interrogated by the military police, and it won't be long before he spills the beans. You can also claim that your accomplice would never rat you out, but that's alright. This case has already been solved." You smirked as you continued your deduction.
"The reason you targeted the government official was because of a scandal that he was involved in with your brother. But since it was a government official, this entire matter was swept under the rug, and your brother was framed. However, since you yourself had no power and evidence to prove that the scandal was tampered with, you opted for murder instead. Which led you to conspire with a friend of yours, and for him to do the dirty work while you played the part of an innocent, unsuspecting bystander who so-happened to pass by the scene of crime. Am I correct so far?"
Mitsuki gave a dry chuckle, her face now bearing no remains of the faux act she had put up earlier. She had given up, now that her thirst for revenge was satiated.
"But how did you manage to gather the evidence in such a short time?" You looked at Atsushi, who was still trying to figure out the entirety of this plot twist.
"Ah, that? Well, since I knew Mitsuki-san here would immediately disappear and cover up her traces after we finished questioning her, I had to find some way to stall in order to get the required proof. That was when Dazai-kun had the brilliant idea of flirting with Mitsuki and me so that the Agency would be held up in asking for the witness's account; therefore giving Katai-san adequate time to retrieve what was needed for this case." You smiled at Dazai, who in turn merely smiled back.
"You were close to escaping. But it was the Armed Detective Agency you were up against. And the Armed Detective Agency never fails to find the culprits, whether they are dancing in plain sight or are hiding behind the shadows." Your gaze pierced into the young lady as you delivered your final statement.
"It's checkmate, Mitsuki."
This was rather fun and interesting to experiment with, and I hope reader's personality was to your liking. See you next time, my dear readers! 💓
@circinuus @celesttes @sariel626 @i-just-like-goats @dazaiyohane @irethepotato @xxelfmamaxx @ashthemadwriter @nekokinax
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mirai-e-jump · 9 months
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Animedia July 2023 Issue Erica Murakami x Yuzuki Hirakawa Interview (Translation below)
(Page 136)
"The Beautiful and Strong Kings have Arrived"
"We'll dig deep into their relationship" "Anatomy Practice"
In order to protect the peace of Chikyu, from the five king heroes of "Ohsama Sentai King-Ohger" who fight alongside insect shaped mechanical life forms called "Shugods", comes Murakami-san, who plays the role of Queen Hymeno of Ishabana, and Hirakawa-san, who plays the role of Rita of the Kingdom of Gokkan. The two actors, who play heroes named after insects, report in as researchers on the "OO part" of each other that they have come to see through filming. Furthermore, they also talked about their character's strength and other highlights of the story.
(Page 137)
Discovered by Erica ⭐ Yuzuki's Anatomy Keywords
"Describe Yuzuki in one word…" FULL POWER BOY
Yuzuyan (Hirakawa) plays Rita, who is an immovable character, but she herself is full of energy like a boy! A person who is full of energy and never ceases to smile even at the shooting site. It also keeps me in high spirits. (-Murakami)
"The cute part is…" Making a happy face when eating sweets
When her favorite foods are served on the set, such as sweets and catered boxed lunches, Yuzuyan gets very happy! "Alright! I love these sweets! Oh man, what do I do!" I really love these moments when she doesn't hide her emotions. (-Murakami)
"The OO that only I know is…" Quick at learning the way! Can sing really well!
Toei's studio is quite spacious. I tend to get lost, but she guides me saying, "this way." She is the youngest of the "King-Ohger" members, but she is so mature that I don't believe she's the youngest! The other day we went to karaoke together, which I really enjoyed, but Yuzuyan sang so well that I thought I couldn't sing with her! It's a singing voice I want to listen to forever…💛 (-Murakami)
"The fascinating part is…" The gap between roles and a strong heart!
Isn't it fascinating to have a gap between a character role and the person themself? Rita doesn't talk much, so I really like the gap between them and Yuzuyan, who does talk a lot. Then, even on the most difficult shoots, I see her always trying her best as if saying "I won't be defeated by anything!." I feel the strength of her heart. (-Murakami)
"The surprising part is…" I don't do well with loud noises! Miss Scared
Yuzuyan is a tough, firm and dependable person…but is actually a real scaredy-cat. When there was an explosion shot being filmed right in front of her, she said, "What should I do?! Maybe I should I wear earplugs?" It was so cute! It seems that she doesn't like sudden loud sounds and lights. (-Murakami)
Discovered by Yuzuki ⭐ Erica's Anatomy Keywords
"Describe Erica in one word…" PRINCESS
Her reactions have always been cute, and her very existence is that of a princess! But it's not just about being that she's cute, like a queen, her words and actions are that of nobility. But, I would'nt say she's "selfish" like Hymeno! (-Hirakawa)
"The cute part is…" Feeling "fluffy" when I get sleepy
When we are shooting after lunch or late into the night, Marie (Murakami) goes into a state of mindlessness. When I say, "hey, hey" her response is sometimes delayed by about two tempos. Her spirit sometimes…goes somewhere (lol). (-Hirakawa)
"The OO that only I know is…" You're so brave and cool.
Marie is often thought of as girly, but in fact, she is actually quite courageous. For example, she is very quick to make holiday plans, and when she decides, "Tomorrow I'll do this and that!" she is able to act accordingly and not get distracted. If she were my boyfriend, she would definitely be the type to pull me along! (-Hirakawa)
"The fascinating part is…" I will put my all into everything
She says, "I have no experience in acting," but Marie faces what she's weak at with a straight face. She also always takes care of her health and physical condition, such as bringing her own packed lunch. Because this is a job where we are seen by other people, we try to manage our body shapes for filming. I want to learn from her professional attitude!! (-Hirakawa)
"The surprising part is…" She's a little clumsy
She often forgets things, and often returns to the dressing room right after leaving. She often stumbles over things in empty spaces. She has a firm, mature image, but she is still cute in that kind of way! (-Hirakawa)
(Page 138)
Hymeno and Rita, two people who seem like opposites but are quite similar
"Please tell each other what you like about the character the other is playing."
Murakami: As a judge, Rita's diplomatic approach to pursue the truth when they have doubts is admirable. I envy you for being able to look at things calmly like Rita.
Hirakawa: Hymeno is fashionable and girlishly cute.
Murakami: ahaha (lol)
Hirakawa: The "Queen" is a noble and scary figure, so it's easy to feel defensive, but the way she fights and the strength of her will to protect her people are cool. I also like the occasional moments when Hymeno shows that she is a true to life girl, and it's fun to watch her emotions change over and over again.
Murakami: Suddenly angry, then laughing.
Hirakawa: That's the kind of girl you can't let go.
"Hymeno and Rita, currently they haven't engaged much in the show, but what are your thoughts on their relationship?"
Murakami: Actually, there will be a story about the two of them in the future, but it's not yet at the stage where it is currently being aired.
Hirakawa: Right (lol)
Murakami: In the beginning, Hymeno was a lot more involved with Yanma, but in the future, she'll have relationships with other people, including Rita. When I read the script, among the other members, I felt that Hymeno has a strong sense of trust in Rita.
Hirakawa: Although People tend to think of them as polar opposites, they share the same desire of "protecting the peace of the people."
Murakami: I think they're both close enough to each other that they could talk to each other back to back without saying a single word. Both Hymeno and Rita have the personalities to sense each other's moods.
Hirakawa: It's true, we may not need many words to understand each other.
"We've also learnt that the animated play "Together with Moffun" was a common point"
Murakami: The Ishabana animation "Moffun" will be explored more in depth in the future…please look forward to it!
"I thought it was typical of Rita to say that spoilers are absolutely NG (No Good)."
Murakami: Because they talk passionately about "Moffun"
Hirakawa: Given the amount of work Rita has to do, I think it's the only thing they find both enjoyable and comforting. That's why they are so passionate about it.
"Please tell us what each of your personal favorite episodes are."
Murakami: I really liked the performance that comes out of Taisei-kun's "Let's do it!" tension scenes. In episode 4, I loved the expression on his face when he eats a raw daikon radish, and in episode 11 when Taisei-kun (Gira) was goofing around while everyone is making a strategy plan was the best.
Hirakawa: The "Archaic Smile" he made at the time was extreme!
Murakami: The way you paraphrased it, that explains it all perfectly!
Hirakawa: I was impressed with episode 12, in which we see the relationship between the additional warrior, Jeramie, and the King-Ohger members. The reaction of the five kings to Jeramie felt fresh. I felt like something new was born during that episodes filming, and I couldn't wait to see the finished product.
"Please tell us about episodes that opened on the boys' side where you found the scenes most memorable"
Murakami: It's the scene in episode 3 with Yanma, who still admires Hymeno, and Gira asks, "Don't tell me, are you in love (with Hymeno)?" When asked about it, I really liked how the president (Yanma) replied, "It's not like that!." I liked his shyness and how unaccustomed he is around girls, it was an unexpected performance.
Hirakawa: For me, it's the scene in episode 5 when Gira's trial took place. Rita's feelings were not that they patronized Gira, but when they looked straight into Gira's eyes, they were made to believe "he's a beloved character who can't be left alone."
"Finally, would you please give a message to our readers"
Murakami: The story develops very quickly, so first off, I would like you to follow along every week without missing a single episode! There will be more in depth stories about the characters in the future, so please look back at the past episodes and enjoy the story that will continue to unfold.
Hirakawa: With the introdction of Jeramie, the story is progressing at a rapid pace, but there is actually various foreshadowing scattered among the broadcasted episodes so far. Someone said something, or an action of a character who was not present in the scene…I hope you will pay attention to these details, as they will play a part in the future development of the story.
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pinejayy · 7 months
Text
╰┈➤Powerful little Human || Yandere Upper Moons
summary: requested by @the-clumsy-clown - they asked for a gn reader with sans ability and how would the upper moons react to them being powerful. they also requested for the upper moon to be a yandere.
a/n: sorry for the long wait, i've been having a lot going on. but thank you for being so patient uwu. also i've never played undertale so I don't know so much about san's powers // I had to ask my boyfriend to explain about his powers and with me being slow I really didn't understand so I hope you enjoy this uwu
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Kokushibo
Now he's quite impressed by your power, he didn't know a human could obtain this power. He came across you in the woods and you were messing around with a helpless demon.
And of course he wanted you to himself, he was Upper Moon 1 and he was already so powerful and imagine what a powerful couple you guys would be. So yes he would be selfish and take you away from your life.
He doesn't care if you have a lover, friends or family he will take you away and force his love to you, and if you dare use your powers on him he will snap your neck.
You've tried fighting him to get away from him but it's never really worked, you can't kill him unless you have a special sword so you're stuck with him.
You are always so quick to get away from him, as if you're teleporting. But he always finds a way to grab you and take hold of you. You aren't getting away from so easy.
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Douma
Now he's crazy over you, your power is amazing. He loves how quick you are, yet he really doesn't understand how you move so quickly. Are you that quick on your feet or are you teleporting?
But that doesn't matter, Douma will befriend you and at the end he will take you away. Take you away somewhere new, and if dare try to escape him he will do everything in his power to get rid of you. How dare you not love him!
And if dare summon something to hurt him he won't hesitate to summon ice clones so they could kill you.
Douma loves you and he will do anything for you, heck he will even show you off to the other Upper Moons. They wouldn't care so much about you. The only one who would truly feel some kind of pity is Akaza.
He will praise you, and you better accept his sweet comments because if you don't he'll punish you.
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Akaza
Now he would want to protect you at all cost, to the point where he locks you away, yes he understands that you have powers of your own but still what if you die? He would blame himself..
You hate him, you would kill him but you don't have a sword so you're pretty much screwed over.
There are some times where you try escaping him, and you always depend on your powers to help you out but he knows you so well, so he knows what you will throw at him. But the one thing he does struggle is keeping up with your speed.
He doesn't understand your speed like for example you could be in front of him and all of the sudden you are across the room.
Akaza will keep you locked up, he just wants you safe. What if a Demon Slayer takes you away from him! So he's keeping you away from everyone for your own good.
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Hantengu
He will be afraid of you, he's scared that you would hurt him. So he tends to keep you happy. Because what if he loses you, or what if you run away from him. He can't live without you. But don't underestimate him because he can and will snap back to you. Which is scary because he's always such a coward.
But when you do threaten him he will spit himself off and then the clones will deal with your attitude. And there's nothing you can do, and the clones will most likely be more harsh towards you than him.
Especially Sekido, he will not hesitate to get physical with you. And using your powers on the clones won't do too good, yes you are powerful and all. But you're fighting four powerful demons. You would be overwhelmed.
When Sekido tries getting his hands on you, you dodge his attacks which will make him even more mad.
Hantengu feels awful for sending the clones to you, but you're scary to him.
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Gyokko
Now how can someone like you have these powers, a human with powers. He never knew it was even possible, so when he came across you and discovered your true self he wanted to keep you.
He did what any selfish demon would do, he ripped you away from your peaceful life and he dragged you to his hidden home/cave. And if dare fight him he’ll make sure to punish you.
Gyokko forces you to show off your powers to the other demons, he gets a confidence boost. You’re basically a prize to him.
You’re not too fond with him, so whenever he wants to snuggle you and do couple stuff you teleport away from him but it’s no use, he has pots all over the place so the second you move away from him he’s already next to you. Grabbing you and forcing you into an uncomfortable embrace.
If you were to summon a Gaster Blaster he’ll return his Blood Demon Art on you.
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Gyutaro
He would be the ruthless from the Upper Moons, he hates how a human has such powers. Why on earth were you blessed? When he was human he was treated horribly and for that he despises you but yet again you catch his attention.
He doesn’t understand this odd feeling towards you and he hates himself for it. So he basically forces you into a relationship with him, and he was quite aggressive about it too. So you better say yes to him.
He will definitely help you out with your abilities, he wants you to grow stronger. He doesn’t want to date someone who is weak.
He enjoys teaching you combat skills and you dodge his attacks and punches and he gets quite angry but also he’s quite impressed. And your speed is wonderful as well!!
You hope one day you can escape him…one day. But don’t get to hopeful he always has his eyes on you.
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deimosed · 1 year
Text
— 𝐃𝐎𝐄𝐒 𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊 ? 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊, 𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐄𝐒 !!
general nsfw headcannons ft. hank . sanford . deimos . doc . phobos .
warnings ; biting (hanks part) , other then that it’s not that bad
authors note ; LOL IMAGINE BEING GONE FOR LIKE 4 WHOLE MONTHS!! ikik im sorry, kinda loss motivation, but tryna get back into it! hope you enjoy <3
𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖 𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐔𝐓 !! 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐃𝐍𝐈 !!
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𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐊 is both a sadist and a masochist. you can not tell me this man wouldn’t use his metal jaw at all while you two are goin’ at it, trust me when i say he’s gonna put it to good use.
he gets so heated when he sees his bite marks on you. he wants to show all the others just who you belong too, so expect to be marked everywhere. everywhere. he’s very territorial when it comes to his stuff, and you’re going to be included.
also LOVESS being marked on himself. he wants you to bite him until he bleeds, and he won’t take anything less. he’ll literally cum his pants immediately when you do, he also likes to show who he belongs too.
this is unpopular, but I just feel like hank would love to be bottomed out. you on top of him bouncing on his hard cock is a sight for sore eyes for him, because he knows full well he could take control if he really wanted to. he could quite literally pick you up and flip you over in seconds, but you have him wrapped around your finger so much that he lays there and enjoys himself. another note, he’s known to be quite selfish, so it makes since for him to lay there in lust while you do all the moving.
but don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean he’s in it for himself either. hank absolutely adores to see your face in euphoria. when your eyes roll at the back on your head as he fucks into you makes it intoxicating for himself as well. he’s so determined to have you yell out his name, and rivals at the fact that he’s the one making you feel good. it gets him going so much, the fact that you come to him to fuck you raw and no one else, because no one can do it like he can.
speaking of feeling good, this big guy has so much stamina that you both will be goin at it for HOURS. he’ll stop when you stop ofc, but man.. if you refuse so tap out you are GONE by the time he’s finished with you. hank has so much pent up aggression that the only way he can let it out is by killing (ofc) and fucking. when he’s so built up in lust, that’s all he can think about when he sees you. fuck. fuck. fuck.
WEAR HIS STUFF. this will drive him absolutely wild. hank is a very big dude, so seeing you in his jacket that very clearly to big for you does…something for him. not only that, but it transfers his scent onto you, which he adores. swear if he sees you in one of his spare shirts, you will not escape his grasp for a while. loves to fuck you while you wear his clothes, it honestly might be one of his main kinks.
loves to manhandle you, so expect to be tossed around in a lot of places. he won’t be too rough to the point where it’ll hurt you, but just know the both of you won’t stay in the same spot or the same position for long. does not care if you make a ruckus because of this, either. in fact, he wants others to hear what y’all are up to, so that they know not to mess with what’s his <3
𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐃 is a bit more tame out of the group, but don’t let that fool you. he can be an absolute freak if you so wish.
he has such a size kink. man comes in a huge package, so seeing you underneath him as he can quite literally just hold you down with one hand has him feel things he’s never had before. loves the fact he can just bound both your hands with his big one.
speaking of size, san-man loves to see just how well you can take him in, despite you being so small. he praises you and tells you that you do such a good job for him, and seeing the bulge in your tummy as he pushes in all the way has him seeing literal stars. cannot fathom how amazing you look.
this guy lives to serve, lemme tell you. we already know that sanford is a very determined man, so when he has his mind dead set on something, best believe he will get it accomplished. that includes marking you cum as many times as he can! he loves seeing your face and hearing the noises you make.
adores giving you head.. literally could stay down there all day and night if he could. he gets so drunk off the way you taste, and get even harder when you finish in his mouth. he just wants to taste you over and over and over again.
PLEASE suck and play with his chest. dude is big and buff, so he has a lot of body to love and share. he gets so flustered and riled up when you do, it’s one of his sensitive spots. when you lick and squeeze his pecks, he always has to stop you because before long, he could finish right then.
also, if you want to turn sanford on? be soft to him. seriously, seeing you all sweet for him drives him WILD. he’s so vanilla, and he kind of takes pride in that. he doesn’t just want to have sex, he wants to make love. so make sure you kiss him, and whisper to him that he’s doing you so good. hold him tight and close. he will lose his damn mind.
switches up so easily, it’s humorous. we all know sanford to be quite loud and boisterous; always feeling the need to announce himself. be it friend or foe, you know when he’s in the room by the sheer boom his voice develops when he speaks. don’t let such an action fool you, however. when you both are alone, you can tell sanford is feeling lustful by his tone. he gets quiet and, funny enough, a bit shy. also not that loud in bed because of this, but you don’t mind. in fact, it’s actually quite cute how you can make such a loud man go quiet at the sight of you. <3
𝐃𝐄𝐈𝐌𝐎𝐒 is a whore. plain and simple. doesn’t give a shit about it either, everyone likes what they like, right? he may be a cocky and flirtatious dude, but once you get him in the sheets? it’s all fair game from there. that person that was teasing you constantly in front of your co-workers is completely separate once you tend to his needs and wants.
firstly, he his the exact opposite from sanford when it comes too vocals. when he’s out and about, his voice is so raspy and low, which of course comes from all the smoking he does. even when he shouts while he’s on the field, it’ll take once or twice before deimos is heard. but once you get him in bed? that’s a whole nother story.
this guy is so damn loud. to the point where it’s actually a bit concerning. you sometimes have to even cover his mouth or shove your fingers down his throat to get him at least a little quieter, because just telling him is not gonna do it. but hey! it’s not like he minds… perhaps he even gets loud on purpose because of this ;)
just about anything can turn this guy on. does not matter where you are, what time of day it is, he will make sure you KNOW when he wants to get down and dirty. ofc he’s not gonna force you if you ain’t up to it, but if and when you are, best believe he is dragging you to the nearest (semi) secluded place so y’all can take care of business.
speaking of semi secluded places, because of this sluts sex drive, he ADORES quickies. like i said, the bare minimum of what you do can have him hard as a rock in seconds. it’s also the thrill that gets him going, too. the meer fact that someone can walk in as deimos is pounding into you (or the other way around) is both nerve racking and exciting to him. he finds pleasure in someone knowing just how y’all fuck, and that it’s only meant for the two of you. they want of piece of you? well too bad! he has you all to himself.
mutual masturbation is his main kink.. deimos is aware that he has a nice body, and is very aware that you like it. he likes that he can turn you on just as much as you do him. he especially likes the way you ogle at him as he sits in front of you, pants down to his knees and his shirt lifted up, pumping his dick with his hand right in front of you. he likes feeling wanted, but loves knowing what he does to you. he also loves seeing your body too! sit across from him and let him watch as you go at yourself too, he’ll lose his mind.
deimos LOVESSSS to be manhandled. when he does bottom, he wants you to be rough. choke him, edge him, move him around like a rag doll, etc. the sheer amount of times he’s cum in his pants back to back is wild, lemme tell you.
speaking of cum, he cums a lot. so much. he can’t help it, honestly, and he’ll do it just about anywhere. inside you, on you, on himself, he likes em all. deimos is also a somewhat shellfish person in my opinion. i mean, he’s been through so much, you can’t blame him for wanting to feel good, right? you make him feel so good, he just can’t help himself when he cums for the 3rd time in the last 20 minutes. but oh, don’t worry! he’ll make sure he returns the favor
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rubywolf0201 · 2 months
Text
How Mahoro was initially presented in early promo materials and the first episode OP & ED
When Mahoro was first revealed, she was presented as this cute and peppy love interest character that you typically see in shoujo manga. And when I first look at her, I immediately thought she is kind of an odd duck due to the delinquent-like setting BUCCHIGIRI?! is.
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The promo teaser even showed a split second shot of her just being the cute character who would give the main characters some motivation (well just Arajin lol). This of course made me fear that she would be a plot device that would cause a shitty ass love triangle.
OP and ED gets a bit weird in this. When she is presented in the OP, all of the guys (sans Kenichiro and Marito) are immediately taken aback by her. In the ED, all of the main guys are dancing with her, have few shots of them getting ship teased with her and when she did the heart hands thing, all of them are immediately charmed by her.
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(Wish I could include all guys being heart handed by Mahoro but I want to put in more photos)
But in the main series? Nope. None of the guys except for Arajin (obviously) really like her or are close to her. And that’s because underneath her cute appearance, lies a selfish and toxic girl who only wants her brother’s attention only. And by doing so, she ‘dates’ guys in hopes that they become the new leader of Siguma and have Marito step down so that she can have him all for herself.
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The Siguma members relationship with Mahoro:
- Outa is seen being exasperated by her fangirling antics in the first episode.
- One of the mooks commented that Mahoro dated guys 24 times all so that they can be beaten up by Marito, satisfying her brocon fantasies (which in truth they’re ’tests’ to see if they can beat her brother or not)
- Hagure is shown to be intimidated by her and kept running in circles while being behind Jabashiri’s back in the second episode.
- Jabashiri hardly noticed, much less pay attention to Mahoro.
- Marito is the exception since he is the older brother but even he has limits if the face he made in the second ep is of any indication.
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This even applies to Minato Kai as well:
- Kenichiro, Kamao and Zabu doesn’t know her yet but in the case of the latter two, they probably know her in passing but otherwise they hardly paid attention to Mahoro.
- Matakara does but he dislikes the way she is manipulating Arajin for personally selfish reasons. When he tried to confront her, she straight up ignored him. When he did it again but with force, she screeched like a siren and ran off.
But with all that said, let’s take a glimpse of Mahoro’s character:
- Presents herself as a shojo manga-esque character.
- But in actuality, she’s a massively unhinged brocon.
- toxic and manipulative. All it takes is using a hand heart sign and guys would immediately be ‘motivated’ by her.
- Is known to go out with guys but has never really shown any care about their personal lives (if her actions in 1st and 3rd episode are of any indication)
- morally selfish but not downright evil. Just selfish.
- can fight back if she wants to.
- doesn’t care about anyone other than her brother.
- hates being touched by other random guys who tried to question her.
- ignores people who tried to confront her about her motives.
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I know that I’ve made quite a few posts about Mahoro but she strikes me as an interesting character despite her actions in today’s episode but at the same time, I do hope that she at least have character development along the way, have a backstory that explains why she is the secretly toxic and selfish brocon that she is today and last but not least not thrown or sidelined into a unconventional damsel in distress.
Anyways, peace! ✌🏻
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sanjisboyfie · 5 months
Text
๑ keep safe : coffee beans (6)
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one piece x male reader
we all look for heaven, 
and we put love first. 
something that we'd die for, 
it's a curse 
『 prev 』
“ah, nami-san, vivi-chan, we found you!”
sanji turned into a completely different man, flapping his hands at his sides as he caught the sight of the two women.
but to [name]’s surprise, they were greeteed by glares from usopp and carue. they were even shaking in anger, it seemed.
“i wonder why they're looking at us like that…” [name] said to himself.
sanji’s cheery tone turned into one of anger when he caught sight of the two giants sitting behind the group.
“wow! you guys are humongous!” [name] cried out, rushing forward and pointing at the giants in awe. sanji, who also ran up with him, was seething with anger and annoyance.
[name] was jumping around, luffy joining, and the duo began cheering about how cool it was that there were real giants right in front of them. nami shook her head, “idiots, the both of them,”
[name] looked at her with a carefree smile on his face, but his expression soon dropped as he realized that she wasn’t wearing a shirt.
“oi, nami,” he spoke up and she looked at him with an unimpressed look on her face. her hands were resting at her hips as she waited for what he had to say. “hold on!” he threw off the sword from his back and took off his second layer, a simple button up.
“what the fuck is wrong with you?!” nami shouted, greatly confused by his mannerisms. but then her look of anger was washed away when he threw the shirt at her.
“you’re gonna catch a cold!” he reminded her, motioning for her to put it on to cover up.
she did as he suggested, only really caring for her health and not thinking twice about it. and neither did [name], who went back to jumping back and forth with luffy, chanting their song on the giants.
“what in the hell?! are you mr. 3?” sanji shouted in an accusatory voice to the giant.
“how do you know about mr. 3?” nami asked, making sanji turn his head towards her.
“oh, me and [name]-” then he noticed the shirt that she was wearing and how [name] was currently missing his second layer, “oi!!! shit for brains, what’s the meaning of this?! you tryna make a pass at nami while i’m not looking?! think i wouldn’t catch you being a sneak!?”
nami’s eyebrow quirked up in annoyance, saving [name] from explaining himself as she shouted at sanji to answer her original question. sanji’s facial expression morphed back to one of normalness as he took a seat on a log, “me and [name] just finished talking with mr. 0 via den-den mushi,”
vivi seemed to shake in fear at the idea of the two talking to her boss while luffy paused his celebrations to actually hear what sanji had to say.
“yep! a weird wax box was in the middle of the forest and there was a transponder snail in there,” [name] explained, pointing at sanji. “sanji did all the talking!”
sanji tried to slap the hand that was rudely pointing at his face, but [name] reacted faster and put it down before sanji was even close, making him grin in victory. the blonde’s eye twitched very slightly, before he continued on telling the story.
“he seemed to think i was mr. 3, so i told him that i eliminated everyone,”
“so that means he thinks we’re actually dead?” vivi confirmed.
“so we’re finally free of people chasing us, but we can’t go anywhere!” usopp cried out, [name] looking at him as if he were stupid.
“can’t go anywhere? do we still have bus-”
“me and sanji picked up an eternal pose in that wax house, vivi, we can go straight to alabasta!” [name] cut him off, making the blonde turn to him in fury.
sanji began yelling profanities at [name], claiming he wanted to take all the spotlight of vivi’s gratefulness for himself and was calling [name] a selfish bastard. his anger only seemed to be fueled even more when he saw vivi go over to [name] and give him a tight hug.
“oi, you bastard, i’ll kill you!”
“thank you so much, sanji-kun, [name]-san!” vivi said, still having her head resting on [name]’s shoulder, “i was so worried for a second,”
“our pleasure!” [name] said, returning the gesture and holding the princess by her waist.
“you mean, my pleasure, you selfish bastard, since i'm the one who did all the work!” sanji interjected, but then his eyes turned into hearts as vivi came over to him to also give him a hug. “oh, vivi-chan, i’m glad i could make you so happy,”
“alright, everyone, let’s have a rice cracker party,” luffy cheered, but [name] shook his head.
“luffy! a whole country is waiting for their princess, we gotta go now!” [name] said sternly, making luffy pout.
“you’re no fun!” the captain whined, grabbing ahold of another rice cracker and eating it whole.
“finally, someone else with a sense of urgency on this crew,” nami said in relief. “you and sanji really saved us, [name], thanks!”
[name] waved off her thanks, glad to be on somewhat good terms with the rest of the crew. he wished he was there for the supposed fight, to really prove himself loyal to the crew and that he had good intentions, but it seemed breaking into a wax house was more than reliable.
“oi, idiot,” [name]’s head whipped around in a moment’s notice at the name calling, “i can’t wait to see the look on your face when you see i won the competition,” zoro’s look of pride seemed to make [name]’s own competitive spirit bubble up.
“ha?! you wish, marimo,” [name] said, pulling the bottom of his eyelid down in mockery.
“what’s the stakes for whoever won?” sanji asked.
as they were walking through the forest, [name] suddenly put his fist against his open palm, “ah, wait, now that i think about it - when me and sanji went back to the ship, we ate some of the food we caught. oh! dinosaur meat is soooo tasty, by the way! but in order to preserve whatever we had, i cut them up into small pieces and stowed them away on the ship…so i don’t think we can decide who the winner is anymore guys!”
[name] began laughing at the predicament, but sanji and zoro didn’t look amused in the slightest.
“just what were you thinking, shit for brains?!”
“you bastard! you’ve ruined everything!”
“hey! don’t blame me for your stupid pissing contest!”
“you were apart of it too, you just wanted to win!” sanji accused.
“no, i just wanted to eat!” [name] defended, turning his head away from their snarling faces and walking with his arms crossed over his chest, “you guys are totally unreasonable!”
“shut the hell up, you ruined it!” zoro tried cutting [name] in half, but the latter dodged the slash with ease, as well as the flurry of kicks sanji sent towards his head.
the whole walk back, [name] was evading attacks from the swordsman and chef, who were still very bitter about the whole thing by the time they boarded the ship.
when the ship was finally put into motion, [name] jumped on the deck as he saw the two giants up ahead.
“look, what’s their names again? borry and duggy?!” he said in excitement.
“it’s dorry and brogy! put respect on their name they’re the best warriers to ever sail the sea!” usopp shamed [name] while also praising the two giants.
“since you worked so hard to protect our pride!” one of them shouted.
“we will do our best to open up the path for you going forward!” the other finished.
“go straight ahead!” the two shouted together, making the crew turn quick to confusion.
[name] squinted his eyes, jaw dropping while stars formed in his eyes.
“no way! you guys are serious?!” he asked out loud, making the two giants laugh their heads off.
“huh? what are you talking about? what’s so funny?! what are they serious about?!” nami asked, seemingly scared at the sudden change of pace of things. “oi! [name], explain yourself!”
“haha! no!” [name] said, evading the attack from the navigator.
just as the going merry was in the open sea, something erupted from the ocean.
a good portion of the crew was looking up at it in fear or just shock. luffy had a grin on his face as he saw the, “giant goldish!”
“i wanna eat it!” [name] cried, earning himself a kick to the head from sanji.
“quick, turn the rudder usopp, we can’t be eaten by this thing,” nami shouted, looking uneasy as their sniper wasn’t doing anything in response to her command. “usopp!”
“no, we can’t. we have to full straight ahead! isn’t that right, luffy?”
“yeah, of course!” luffy confirmed.
nami felt like she was going insane. then she ran up to [name] and began shaking him back and forth, “go on! kill it! kill it before it eats us!” she commanded, looking to zoro and sanji for help as well. “aren't you worth 200,000,000 beri!? this'll be a piece of cake!! [name], go already!!”
“but, they got it!” [name] frowned motioning over to the two giants.
“yeah, nami, calm down! here, i’ll let you have the last rice cracker!”
“i don’t want it!” nami said, but she caught the snack regardless. she took refuge behind [name], peaking over his shoulder as she was scared to look if they were really going to let hemselves be eaten by a goldfish.
“look! we’re inside!” [name] said, shouting a couple of times in amusement and enjoying the sound of the echo that it produced inside the fish’s throat.
“it’s too late,” nami was about to fall to the ground in disbelief, but [name] quickly held onto her to prevent her from crashing down.
“oi, nami…” [name] mumbled to himself, lifting the hem of her (his) shirt with the tip of his fingers and feeling the temperature of her skin. she looked at him in confusion, but before he could even continue what he was saying, they were being launched into the air.
out of nowhere, there was a sudden gust of power that made the fish spit them out.
they were soon outside of the fish’s mouth and blasting out onto sea. [name] made sure to keep a tight hold on nami. he didn’t think much of her lax stance, thinking it was just the sudden rush the boat got that had her standing all wobbly.
he leaned them against the mast, watching as nami slowly slid down and began to sit. he followed her motions, now kneeling in front of her. in confusion, he tilted his head, “oi, nami, are you okay?”
“i’m…fine,” the ragged breath she took in between was enough of a ways to tell that she was lying. “i’m just exhausted after everything that’s happened,” at this point, vivi walked over and crouched down as well, “vivi, would you mind watching this for me for a moment…i might go lay down to rest up,”
[name] frowned, sensing that there was something wrong with nami.
“there’s no need for either of you - not including you, shit for brains - to push yourselves so hard! you can rely on me!” sanji said, appearing with a tray full of goodies. noticing that they were all sweets, [name] looked the other way in disinterest of the snacks.
usopp, luffy, and carue were eager to have some though as they ran towards the kitchen.
“you don’t want any, [name]?” vivi asked as she grabbed her own piece.
“nope, but do we have coffee beans on deck, sanji?” [name] asked, looking at the chef with sparkles in his eyes.
“only a little bit, nami-san drinks some, but we might be running low.”
“oh! i’ll take those then!”
the three watched as [name] also took off to the kitchen, all of them sweatdropping.
“is he going to eat coffee beans?” vivi asked in concern, but sanji simply shook his head.
“as i said before, vivi-chan, don’t concern yourself with the problems of idiots,” he said sweetly, pushing the tray forward to urge her to grab more sweets.
when [name] walked into the kitchen, he saw the trio were absolutely devouring their own plate of goodies. luffy had his cheeks full like a rabbit and carue and usopp were trying to get their fix.
“ah, [name]! good thing you joined us, here try some!” before [name] could correct usopp, the sniper came barreling towards him and shoved the sweet into his mouth.
luffy’s face changed from a smile to an angered expression almost immediately. whilst [name] had the sweet shoved in his mouth, he tried really hard not to notice it.
the sweet pastry’s frosting was melting on his tongue already, seeping onto his tastebuds. he shoved usopp back, spitting out the pastry before it could do more damage and his whole body was shaking as he tried not to vomit onto the wooden planks of the flooring.
‘don’t think about it, it’s not there, don’t think about!’ [name] mentally urged himself, clamping a hand over his mouth to stop the bile from escaping. ‘no, no, no!’
he clamored around the kitchen, desperately looking for where the coffee beans were. meanwhile luffy was shaking usopp’s collar back and forth, shouting at him.
“why’d you do that?! usopp!” luffy shouted in fury. poor usopp was too confused to even think straight, simply sputtering out random noises to justify his actions.
finally, after fighting back the urge to vomit for longer than he was confident in, [name] was able to find a brown bag that was for the coffee beans. he shoved his other hand inside, as the other was still cautiously holding his mouth shut, and immediately shoved a handful down his throat.
“[name]! are you okay?!” luffy asked, clamoring over almost immediately.
the man chewed slowly, really trying to take in the taste of the coffee beans and very slowly swallowed them. after that, he took another handful into his mouth, and repeated the same process. after he was finished chewing and eating them, he turned to luffy with an exhausted look on his face.
“i’m fine,” he said simply, throwing a thumbs up as a precaution.
“h-hey, what was that? [name], are you sure you’re fine?” usopp asked, walking up to [name] in fear, “what happened? what was that?”
“i just…” [name] swallowed harshly, sticking his tongue out of his mouth in disgust as he remembered the pastry that was in his mouth, “i hate sweets.”
usopp blinked a couple of times, scratching the back of his head, “i’m really sorry, then, i didn’t know!!!”
[name] tried to smile, but it was completely lobsided, “no, it’s alright! you couldn’t have known, don’t worry!” but with the way [name]’s breathing was still ragged and he hadn’t completely caught his breath, yet, usopp was still majorly concerned.
“and luffy!!! you can’t just go around yelling at usopp for something he didn’t mean to do,” [name] scolded, tossing one single coffee bean into his mouth and savoring the taste before continuing on again. “he didn’t know,”
“ah, you’re right,” luffy said in a matter-a-fact tone, a blank look on his face, “oops!”
“don’t just say oops - i was scared for my life just now!” usopp berated, not looking impressed at his captain’s lack of discipline.
“oi! someone explain why my kitchen is a complete shit show?!” sanji shouted, the sight of a spat out pastry fueling his anger, “who the fuck did this?!”
“me!” [name] said, raising his hand.
“hah?! first you wanna raid nami-san’s coffee beans and then you spit out the food i made for everyone! i’ll throw you overboard right now!” sanji said, stomping forward in an obvious fury before usopp stepped in between the two.
“n-no it was my fault!”
“that bastard right there just took responsibility, usopp, move aside. i’ll teach him a lesson!”
“that’s not neccessary-”
“thanks for sticking up for me, usopp, but,” [name] gently moved usopp aside to meet sanji, eye-to-eye, “it’s my fault. i don’t like sweets so i spat it out when he fed it to me, i’ll clean it up now.”
“so you don’t like something so you just spit it out?! how ungrateful and disrespectful are you?! i made that food for others to eat, if you don’t like it, don’t just spit it out on the ground! have some manners, shit for brains!” sanji berated and [name] didn’t bother fighting him more on his opinion.
it seemed sanji was a real heckler about wasting food, [name] noted, looking at the spat out pastry on the floor.
“i’ll clean it now,” that was [name]’s only response as he moved past sanji and grabbed paper towels and a spray bottle.
“i want that area sparkling clean!” sanji commanded, and his loud shouts, snapped usopp out of his state of shock.
“hey, sanji, go easy on him — it was a really bad reaction, give him a break,” the sniper tried reasoning, but sanji wasn’t hearing any of it.
and as [name] was just about done cleaning the area, there was a shrill scream that made everyone in the kitchen perk up.
“everyone please come - something bad has happened!”
“nami-san has a terrible fever!” vivi broke the news to the group as they came shuffling out of the kitchen, sanji rushing forward the moment nami’s name left vivi’s lips.
[name] was chewing on a coffee bean as he moved luffy and usopp aside to get a good look at nami. her face was paling completely, making her rosy cheeks stand out more. he leaned forward in concern before taking her into his arms, bridal style, and looking at luffy, “do you have a medical bay?”
“hey, hey! get your dirty hands off of her!” sanji shouted, displeasure ringing in the air.
“well, we have nami’s work station, there’s a bed there,” usopp answered for their captain, who was still confused on the situation. “i-i’ll lead the way,”
[name] nodded, following after his crewmate and holding nami with a gentle grip, as if she were a fragile piece of glass.
as he laid her down on the bed, it seemed him and vivi were the only ones with half a brain of what to do. as vivi was running to get a bowl of water and cloth, [name] made sure nami was resting in a comfortable position. he put the thermometer gently into her mouth, fingers working delicately gentle to aid her.
“it’s probably the climate,” vivi reasoned when she came back with a wet towel. her eyebrows were furrowed together in extreme worry, “there are countless stories of tough pirates that are taken down by their own carelessness.
sanji was ugly crying behind the working duo, letting out a weaping and pathetic, “nami-san!”
“don’t you guys have a doctor?” [name] asked, looking at his captain, who merely lifted his hand and pointed at nami in response. [name] looked completely unimpressed, “well! obviously she can’t treat herself!”
luffy confused with all the yelling and hassle only shrugged his shoulders, “what’s the big deal? give her some food and she will get better! isn’t right, sanji?”
[name]’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance, wondering how the crew actually was still standing on their feet.
“i can make basic food meant for sick people, but-” then sanji went onto a whole rant about the preparation of their food, his favoritism for the woman showing through in his cooking as well, and how he didn’t know how to cater to the needs of sick people’s stomachs.
“well, food isn’t the only thing that’s gonna make her get better,” [name] said with a sigh. “we need a proper doctor who can treat nami, this is serious guys,”
“how serious?” luffy asked curiously.
[name] took the themometer out from nami’s mouth, eyes widening slightly, along with vivi’s as they saw the sky high number.
“104! (40C)!” he exclaimed, but the crew didn’t seem to completely understand the urgency.
“there’ll be doctors when we get to alabasta, right?!” usopp tried calming everyone’s nerves. “how much longer will it be, vivi?”
“i don’t know, but to wait one week is out of the question,” vivi replied helplessly.
“hey, is being sick really that bad?” luffy asked, to which sanji and usopp shook their heads, echoing that they’ve never been sick before.
“i can’t help her much, especially with the supplies you guys have. and if she doesn’t get treated soon, it may end up ending really bad,”
“what? like she’s gonna die?”
“yes, this could be a life-threatening instance,” vivi confirmed, which then made the ones inside the room go into a panic.
they were screaming their heads off and running around the room and [name] got the sense in himself to punch all of them to shut their mouths.
“we gotta find a doctor to treat nami!” luffy shouted, making [name]’s lips turn into a grimace.
“no,” nami weakly called out, making the entire room turn silent, “no,”
she tried sitting up, but [name] pushed her down instantly. it seemed sudden, his movement, but he made sure to act with extra caution when guiding her back to lay down.
“nami-san?” vivi asked gently, looking at her friend in concern.
“in my desk drawer, there’s a newspaper,” nami said finally.
when vivi went to check, [name] looked at nami, “what does it feel like?”
“i said, i’m fine,” nami said, but [name] rolled his eyes at her response. she seemed to cower under his gaze ever so slightly, but [name] didn’t let up in staring right into her tired eyes.
“what does the newspaper say, vivi?” luffy asked in a light tone.
“is it about alabasta, vivi-chan?”
“300,000 royal soldiers deflected to the resistance,” she said shakily, the grip she had on the newspaper only tightening, “it was originally a cold war, with 600,000 royal soldiers and 400,000 resistance soldiers — but now that’s suddenly changed!”
“the uprising in alabasta is getting serious now. that newspapers three days old and i’m sorry i kept it from you, but i knew we couldn’t change speed, so i didn’t want to worry you,” nami explained and [name] quietly worked in re-wetting the towel that was on her forehead. he wrung it out and gently put it back into its place.
“but do you understand, luffy?” nami asked, trying to see if the captain understood the urgency of the situation.
“i’m fine…that thermometer must be broken,” she breathed out, forcing a smile on her face to ease their minds. “it’s probably just sunstroke. for now, let’s head straight for alabasta as we planned. don’t worry, i’ll get better on my own.”
she pushed [name]’s tending hands aside, sitting upright and making sure to squeeze his arm for support when getting up, “thanks for worrying about me,” she spoke to the entire crew, walking up the stairs and leaving the little room.
“oi, we are finding a doctor, now,” [name] said.
“alabasta…is in shambles! we need to go there quickly,” vivi said, more so to herself as she crumbled into her own figure. “if we don’t millions of people will die, for no reason!”
there was a stalemate in the room as [name] hummed in thought. then he kneeled down in front of vivi, gently holding her shoulder.
”i can’t imagine your burden, princess,” he said softly, trying to ease her mind, “but — if nami doesn’t get treated, she’ll die.”
“the whole kingdom, crocodile-”
it was obvious vivi was scared out of her minds, she was at her wit’s end.
“i’ll kill him when we find him,” [name] said grimly, he took her hands in his to calm their shaking, encapsulating her hands in his own, “i can’t understand what you’re feeling, and i know it’s asking for a lot, but please,”
vivi shook her head, unable to wrap her hand around the idea of abandoning her people.
”crocodile? the moment i see him with my own eyes, i’ll kill him. i promise you, vivi, but nami needs a doctor and she needs it now,”
suddenly, there was a shout from on deck and it came from zoro, telling everyone to get out and help steer the ship’s course. everyone scrambled at the calling, but [name] and vivi stayed inside.
“[name]…” for a moment, [name] thought that vivi was going to slap him for being so pushy and he wouldn’t have blamed her. but it seemed he read the situation wrong as she simply collapsed into his arms, “i really need to go home, but nami needs to get better,”
he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her back to give her a hug, allowing her to rest on his shoulder, “i don’t know what to do!”
“well, we’re obviously gonna save alabasta!” [name] cheerfully replied, making her head rise from his shoulder and stare up at him with teary eyes, “but first we have to save our navigator,”
she smiled at his carefree attitude, wondering where he gets his strong mindset from. she wiped her eyes, laughing as he jokes about how sanji would beat him up if they walked out of the room together with vivi’s eyes teary.
“you’re a good princess, vivi.” [name] spoke, comfortingly moving his thumb up and down her shoulder, “but you’re an even better woman,”
she seemed genuinely touched at his comment and he was happy to see her smile return.
“i’m sorry, i don’t usually cry easily, especially with strangers,” she said, but then suddenly looked up and waved her hands around, “not to say we’re strangers, you’ve helped me plenty already and i sound so ungrateful for all you’ve done for us. i really think we are good friends - i don’t know why i-”
“haha! princess, you’re so funny! don’t worry,” [name] said, standing up in front of her. his previous position of kneeling down in front of her figure made them see eye-to-eye, but with him standing up she had to crane her neck to see him properly. “i’ll prove myself to be a great friend to you and everyone on board!”
for some reason, [name]’s smile seemed to be even more blinding now that they’d had a serious talk. vivi didn’t take it for granted, feeling relieved that someone so reliable was on her side and understanding of her.
“let’s go tell everyone and make sure we get nami to properly rest,” the two walked out of the room together and everyone was anticipating what vivi would say.
when she broke the news to the crew that she wished to find an island with a doctor everyone interuppted into loud cheers. [name] smiled at the looks of relief and happiness on the crews’ faces before pacing over to nami.
“let’s get you to lay down, alright?” he said softly, taking her frail body against his. “and good job in predicting that cyclone,” he whispered, making her look at him in confusion.
“what-?”
“what?! the hell?! is that!!!” luffy shouted out of nowhere, making [name] chuckle at his reaction.
“that cyclone,” [name] mused, watching as nami could only shake her head in disbelief.
“if you knew it was coming, you didn’t say anything…wait, how’d you know it was coming?” she asked, weakly walking alongside [name] back to the bed.
“i can tell!” [name] said proudly, “you felt it, right? i can feel it too, to an extent,”
she laid back down and [name] got to work in apply a cold towel to her forehead.
“you’re really weird, [name],” she said, eyes closing shut as she felt the relief of a cold towel pressed to her hot head. “really, really weird.”
[name] smiled at her and that was the last thing she saw before she was whisked away to sleep. it wasn’t a bad sight, were her last thoughts. 
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eros-thanatos89 · 26 days
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meta/thoughts on BCS
Oh, man. I've never posted meta, or just thoughts on shows before, but I'm trying to give myself permission to be as cringe as I want and to ramble on the internet about the fictional things that I think way too much about. So here goes, my first meta post!
I just rewatched BCS S5E3 "The Guy For This" (let's be real: mostly for thirsty reasons, because I wanted to see Lalo and Nacho looking pretty in the garage scene with Saul) and Goddamn, it just smacked me in the face and reminded me what a pivotal episode it is in so many ways.
One of the many recurring themes that I love to see explored so well in both Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul is the many ways that people deal with (or don't) the consequences of their actions, and this episode is just chock full of that, as well as setting up the first steps down the "bad choice road" or the road ahead for so many characters.
In that garage, Saul really steps into Saul as we know him in Breaking Bad. By taking Lalo's money (even if under duress) he's taking the first step into leaving Jimmy behind and becoming the *criminal lawyer* we all love/love to hate. Jimmy's pattern of avoiding the consequences of his actions or uncomfortable emotions like the guilt over Chuck's disgrace and death is running away: by escaping into his scams, and by literally running away from himself, choosing a new identity--he's not Jimmy anymore; he's Saul, so he doesn't have to lug around Jimmy's baggage. And even though he tries to backtrack from this first step onto the bad choice road leading to him becoming "un amigo del cartel", when he tries to suggest that Lalo find another lawyer, it's too late. As Nacho tells him, "When you're in, you're in."
And Nacho would know! Speaking of running away, Nacho has been trying to evade or escape his problems for so long: first by setting up Tuco to avoid having his side hustle with Pryce discovered, and in this episode, trying to convince his Papa to run away with him to Canada. The scene where Manuel confronts Nacho at his house never fails to break my heart. Nacho is so desperate for Manuel to escape with him to a new, safe life, and Manuel is so adamant that Nacho face up to the consequences of his choices. Which ultimately, he has no choice but to do. He has to confront what he's done and give himself up to save his Papa's life, just like Manuel encouraged him to do so long ago. But by giving up his life rather than turning himself in to the police. It's so damn tragic.
And then there's Kim. She's always running away from the poverty and instability of her past by so doggedly pursuing success as a lawyer. I love how this episode highlights her increasing dissatisfaction with Mesa Verde and her yearning to pursue more meaningful pro-bono work so she can use the law to help people like the little, powerless girl she used to be. The confrontation between her and Mr. Acker is stellar. Kim has this rare moment of vulnerability, letting down her walls to share a story of her childhood struggles with Mr. Acker in a genuine attempt to connect with him, only to have him scoff at her and accuse her of making it up to manipulate him. You can tell his tirade about her being ultimately a selfish person who tries to comfort herself with acts of charity really rankles her because it goes so strongly against her sense of self and represents everything it seems she's afraid of becoming, and so much of what she resents about Howard: the entitlement, the sense of ease and privilege, the self-congratulatory charity acts (don't get me wrong, I really like Howard, pompous as he can sometimes be, but I think this is how Kim views him). By the end of the episode, when she escalates Saul toying with a beer bottle on the balcony into throwing them into the parking lot, you can already see her pivoting and taking those first steps down the road that ultimately leads to the plot against Howard, which she justifies to herself in the name of using the Sandpiper money to fund her pro-bono work. And then in the end of the series, she both runs away AND atones for her actions by moving to Florida and living a life literally leeched of all color and joy, and is just doing penance by living a muted, mediocre life.
Domingo's arc in this episode is so crucial, too! Lalo and Nacho recruit Saul to feed him the information to undermine Fring, but when he meets Hank and Steve Gomez in prison, it starts him on the road to transforming from Domingo/Ocho Loco to Krazy 8. Ultimately leaving the cartel (I like to think because of the loss of his friend Nacho) and setting himself up as an independent dealer and even snitching on his own cousin, Emilio; which then leads to his collision with Walt and Jesse.
And the scene with Mike in the bar! The way he's barely holding it together as he tries (not very successfully) to drink away the pain and guilt caused by killing Werner just a few episodes before (S4E9) and is so triggered by the postcard that reminds him of their conversation is so powerful. I just love how he encounters the group of guys who try to intimidate and rob him and he defends himself in this episode, but we later see him intentionally return and seek them out in S5E5 "Dedicado a Max" in an act of self-loathing and roundabout self-harm via taking a beating and not even trying to defend himself.
I'm rambling, but these shows make me litcherally mentally unwell with how fantastically nuanced and textured the writing, acting, visual storytelling, music, everything is! I'm just going to be ruminating on all these many facets of accepting consequences, atoning, and/or running away affects these characters and the arc of both shows and the world they inhabit for the next long while....
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jasntodds · 10 months
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Petrichor [1]
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Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader (little bit of fwb)
Words: 9,133
Warnings: Swearing, fluff, talks of drug addiction
Summary: ❝Pylades: I’ll take care of you. Orestes: It’s rotten work. Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.❞
Gotham is home, not just for Jason but for you, too. And now that you’re both finally back home, together, you’re ready to see where this next chapter brings the two of you. He’s your best friend and you’re his. And you both might want a little something more with being back home, the place you both feel most comfortable. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong now.
A/N: It’s finally here!! I promise this book will be more fun than previous one and it stays mostly canon besides a few things, so have fun lol I really hope you guys like this!! If you want context from book 1, let me know and I’ll tell you!! You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary​ and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭
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Being back in Gotham is almost surreal. When you were uprooted over a year ago, you weren’t sure if you’d ever make it back. Hell, you didn’t think you’d ever make it out of that basement, let alone back home. But, here you are. You’re back in Gotham and there’s a weight that is lifted from your shoulders.
You knew you missed it but you didn’t realize how much until now, standing outside of Wayne Manor. This isn’t even your home, the Manor, but it is a staple in Gotham. You thought maybe you would miss San Francisco and want to go back after a week or so, but right now, you’re positive that won’t be the case. This is home.
And then there’s Jason who’s standing confidently with a content smile pulling at his face. You have Jason here. You swears you’re happier around him, no matter where you are. He makes the world better, your world. You’ve only known each other a few months now but it feels like you’ve been friends your entire lives and you wouldn’t trade him for anything. You are so happy to be here with him.
“Want the tour?” Jason asks, carrying your bag for you and he’s got this sly grin, the one you’ve missed more than you thought possible.
“Of Wayne Manor, hell yeah, lead the way.” Your smile is so bright and Jason missed you, too.
This is his home. A part of him still isn’t exactly used to it. He’s not sure if he ever will be entirely, it’s not exactly him but it’s his home. And he’s welcoming you right into it because, despite his inhabitations and the paranoia that leaks into the brightest parts of his mind, he knows he can trust you with his home. With those parts of himself and he is just so happy to have you here with him. Just him.
Jason gestures an arm out forward, ushering you forward and the two of you walk inside. Jason leads you to your room first to set your bag down. He opens the door for you and allows you inside while he leans against the doorframe, sticking his hands in his front pockets. You walk in, looking around and taking the room in. He’s missed you.
It’s only been a month but it’s felt like the longest month of his life. Jason knew he missed you, that was undeniable. But, he didn’t realize just how much until he picked you up from Titans Tower. He saw you and the smile that split his face was uncontrollable. He remembers that day he left with Rose, how you wanted to convince him to stay but you didn’t because you didn’t want to be selfish. He gets it now because he wanted to ask you if you’d come back with him sooner, when he left with Bruce. That’s not fair to Gar and he knows that and he’d never ask you to pick between the two of them. But he wishes he would have anyway because a month away from you feels like an eternity.
“What do ya think?” Jason asks, his voice has this warmth to it that you’ve never heard before. You wonder if the warmth is because this is home and Titans Tower always felt like a hotel.
“It’s big.” You laugh. “Of course it is. And it’s dark and moody, very on brand for fucking Batman.” You roll your eyes, putting your bag down on the bed.
“Yeah, it’s his thing.” Jason chortles. “I’m right down the hall.” Jason jerks his head to the left.
“You’re always right down the hall. Can’t stand to be that far away from me, huh?” You give him a smirk with the wiggle of your brows.
Jason feels the blush creep across his face. “You came here with me, babe.” Jason quips and he’s missed this, too. You don’t play the game over text.
You rolls your eyes but your smile is starting to hurt your cheeks. “You gave me no choice, shithead.”
“You wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Yeah, okay.” You look down to your shoes and back to Jason before walking up to him. “Tour?”
“Come on.” Jason pushes himself off the doorframe and the two of you start the tour.
Jason leads you around the manor, showing you the living rooms and kitchens because of course, there’s more than one of both. He shows you the several bathrooms and an in-home gym and training room. Jason ends the tour though, with his favorite room of the house, the library. He opens the doors with confidence, walking right inside to allow you to follow him.
You look around, seeing large library shelves holding tons of books. There are windows against the wall facing you and a couch up against it with a small coffee table right in front of the window. The couch is the same as the ones in all the living rooms. Bruce definitely has a theme. Dark and moody. Jason’s smile is soft as he looks at you.
“You would end the tour here.” You state softly.
“You surprised?”
“Not even a little bit.” You smile softly at him because he didn’t need to show the room to you. You don’t like to read but he did anyway, because it’s his thing. “Favorite room?”
Jason nods. “Yeah, spend a lot of time in here or training.” Jason’s eyes look up with the last word.
“Of course.” You laugh softly. “It’s cool.”
Jason shrugs a shoulder. “Yeah, it is.”
He looks content, comfortable. There’s an easiness about him here. Back at the tower, he seemed on edge a lot, even before Deathstroke. He always had this wall that, everyone would argue wasn’t worth the effort to knock down, but you never had any issues. It was a wall though, a sturdy brick wall that was completely unmovable. But, here, right now, he looks so content and comfortable. No one would ever know the horrors he’s experienced by looking at him right now.
You walk up to him. “How are you?” You point a finger to your head. “Ya know?”
“I’m fine.” Jason shrugs the question off. He doesn’t wanna go there today. “How’re you?”
“You sure?” You ask and you’re just checking on him. “Happy to be back.” You answer so simply that Jason’s heart explodes in warmth.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Jason urges, the smile splits his face. “You look happy.” Jason chuckles softly.
It feels different. Getting on the plane and you telling him about some of the Titans stuff he's missed. It feels different but in a good way. It’s like with the tower, there was all this added pressure for the both of you. Expectations to be something more than what you both were dealt. And there were the feelings you had for Gar that Jason tried his best to tip-toe around. But right now, you get to exist together outside of those expectations. He is Robin and he gets to be Robin like he has been. You get to just exist in a home. It is comfortable, already and you have each other. It feels different but in a way Jason’s never quite felt before.
“Wanna get some food?” Jason asks.
“You hitting me on, Jay?” The corner of your mouth twitches into a teasing smirk.
It’s the game the two of you love so much. This time though, there isn’t anything standing in your way to actually play the game how Jason wants to. A little more contact, make the game a little more thrilling.
“Got a problem with it?” Jason smirks back, taking a step forward, closing the short distance between you.
You narrow your eyes and you’re surprised by the comment but you would never have a problem with it. “Well, if I’m gonna get good out of it, I guess not.”
Jason laughs. “Oh, so you’re using me for food, huh?”
“I do like food, Jay.”
“Wow.” Jason nods his head dramatically. “Didn’t think you’d use me. I’m so hurt.”
“Shut up.” You groan, rolling your eyes. “Where we going?”
“I’ll make burgers.” Jason holds a prideful grin.
“You can cook?” You quip.
“Hell yeah, I can cook.” Jason gestures his hands towards himself as if you should have always know. You’ve never seen him cook anything more than a breakfast sandwich and an omelet.
“Well, make me food!” You fake whine at him.
“Well, since you asked so fucking nicely.” Jason scoffs but his grin holds steady.
The two of you head to the kitchen that leads out into the back courtyard. That’s another thing you’re somehow surprised by. Of course, there’s a courtyard, but it’s shocking nonetheless. It’s so weird being here and being able to live here. You wonder how Jason ever adjusted because you’re not sure you can. But, you don’t say anything to Jason, instead, you watch him grab burgers from the fridge which were very clearly previously prepared and you think it’s sweet. Jason already had food prepped and there’s something so incredibly kind and thoughtful about it, it’s almost surprising. But, you still say nothing and instead just watch him fire up the grill once you both get outside.
“So,” You ask from your spot at the outdoor table. “How’s Gotham been?”
“Bruce is letting me be Robin some more.” Jason boasts, flipping one of the burgers.
“Really? That’s awesome, Jay. I’m happy for you.”
“Yeah, it’s been great.” Jason’s smile is warm and tender. “Went on Patrol last night.”
Jason wasn’t really sure if Bruce would let him after the whole Deathstroke fiasco. He thought maybe Bruce would want him to take some more time off and learn his lesson about going off on his own. But, Bruce let him right back out with him.
“How’d it go?”
“Great,” Jason holds his head with pride and he neglects to tell you it hasn’t been going that well every other night. “Took down some of Penguin’s men.”
“Oh, he’s still doing his Penguin thing?”
“Yeah.” Jason chortles. “Still making everyone else do the dirty work so his hands stay clean.”
“Gotta give it to him, smart.” You let out a laugh. 
Jason looks over with a scrunched nose. “Siding with a bad guy now? You alright?” Jason can’t help but laugh because he agrees with you. It’s Penguin, sure he does some fucked up shit sometimes, but usually, he’s the least of their problems.
“No, I’m just saying. If more of the fucks did what Penguin does, they wouldn’t get caught.”
“We still catch Penguin.” Jason points the spatula at you.
“Yeah, but not nearly as often as guys like Mr. Freeze or even Scarecrow. Scarecrow got people to do his shit, too sure, but the whole Fear Gas really pinned him.” You point a finger at him to mock him but Jason’s brows furrow as he looks at you with confusion. “What?”
“Don’t like Batman but you sure know a lot of the bad guys, huh?” Jason teases.
“Fuck Batman.” You let out a laugh and you decide to throw him a bone, just to see him get all flustered. “I like Robin though.”
Jason feels the heat creep onto his cheeks again and he turns away in hopes you don’t notice. You do though and your stomach swarms. He’s cute when he’s flustered.
“Suit do it for ya?” Jason manages to get out as he flips the burgers.
“It’s the eye shadow and the cape.” 
“Shut up!” Jason groans through a laugh, tilting his head back.
“Look at you, being a batboy again though.” You tease with the scrunch of your nose and maybe that’s why he seems like he’s in such a good mood. Robin means everything to him. 
“Alright.” Jason shakes his head and you drive him crazy in the best way possible. “How was being a Titan?” He looks over at you.
“Pretty good.” You shrug. “We took down part of some illegal gun trading ring.”
“Yeah?” Jason perks up with the comment.
“Mhm, pretty cool. We didn’t get all of them, Dick was figuring out a plan to get all of them when I left but yeah, it was pretty cool.” You offer him a soft smile.
It was definitely cool being a Titan. You felt useful. You were going something good and helping people with your friends. It didn’t feel like you were wasting away anymore. It was as if you had some sort of purpose even if it also felt draining. Fighting and taking down these guys is fun, thrilling, and empowering. But, you aren’t sure that’s the best thing for you right now. The paranoia is still in the front of your mind, worried about it backfiring one day. You know it’s not best to be a Titan or a vigilante at all for right now. You want to feel normal for at least a little bit before getting back into it. You’re so certain you will be getting back into it, just after a little time.
“Use your powers?” Jason asks, plucking one of the burgers from the grill and putting it on a plate.
“Knives and fists, actually.” You hold your head up high.
“Why don’t you use your powers? You have them.” Jason continues to place the rest of the burgers onto the plate.
You shrug. “I dunno.” You let out a sigh. “I don’t like the acid.” You watch as Jason walks over to the table, placing the plate right in the middle amongst the condiments and buns. Jason hands you a plate. “Thanks.”
“Is it because of Jerry?” Jason asks, grabbing you a bun and handing it to you.
“Yeah, like…using it means he still won, ya know?” You use a pair of tongs to put a burger onto your bun while Jason gets his plate ready.
“He didn’t though, you beat the shit out of him and he’s locked up. You won.” Jason takes a seat with his food, right next to you rather than across the table.
“Yeah, I know but…” You pause, grabbing one of the condiments. “Using them just reminds me of everything he did to me and that it’s his fault. With the clairvoyance, I can’t help it. So, that’s fine and that protects me but the acid…I don’t have to use it.” You clear your throat. “There’s also that whole thing about getting kidnapped, ya know? Bit worried that might happen again if someone knows.”
The only people you know with powers are the Titans. But, it seems they’re the ones getting kidnapped for having powers. Rachel was basically being hunted for sport, Gar did get kidnapped, and Conner was made in a test tube then kidnapped because of it. You’re pretty content not using your powers if that’s the risk you’re taking. You do not want to be locked in another basement. Over your dead body. Then, there is Jerry. He won if you use them. He gave them to you against your will. He doesn’t get to win. You escaped him and nearly killed him. He gets to lose.
“Yeah,” Jason sucks in a breath. “Kidnapping shit is a good point.” Jason lets out a scoff.
You’ve been held captive twice in under two years. You have a point and Jason can’t say he blames you. And you witnessed that be the reason for Gar being kidnapped and tortured, and brainwashed. Jason knows enough about what Jerry did to you to understand your resistance and hesitance with using your powers. He does, however, wish you weren’t scared because they could protect you. But, he keeps that to himself because he can’t dispute your fear and that’s not his place to do so. He is, however, certain he’d go to the ends of the Earth to find you if ever happened again.
“Fuck that piece of shit though. If you ever want to use your powers, you should out of spite.” Jason states. “It’s like a fuck you to him. He gave you powers so he could have them and now he gets to rot the fuck away in prison.”
“Thank you, Jay.” You let out a soft laugh. “You’ve got a point.” You do like the idea of spite. There is no better fuel than spite sometimes.
“I always have a point.” Jason chuckles, adding mustard to his burger while you take a bite of your burger.
“Okay.” You swallow. “Why is this the best burger I’ve ever had?” Of all things Jason Todd can do, cooking seems to be the weirdest. Theater nerd, bookworm, chef?
“I told you I can cook.” Jason holds a triumphant smile.
“Seriously? How? How do you know how to cook?!”
There’s a sad smile that crosses his lips as he takes his own bite. “My mom.” Jason swallows. “I used to cook for us. She was always high out of her fucking mind so it was I cook or we both starve.” Jason shrugs his shoulders. “You get creative when you don’t have more than a handful of shit that’s actually edible.”
“You took care of her?” You ask, your voice gentle.
You never asked about his mom. It didn’t seem like a topic he’d ever want to discuss. You never want to talk about your dad. But, you’ve been through so much shit together, you don’t think any question could possibly be off limits between the two of you. And Jason taking care of his mom actually makes perfect sense. That explains a lot about him.
Jason nods softly. “Yeah,” He shrugs a shoulder. “She was my mom.”
“I kind of thought you hated her.” You state honestly, you hate your dad so you always figured Jason hated his mom. But it was different. While Jason’s mom was an addict, she at least didn’t abandon him.
“No.” Jason shakes his head. “I’m mad because fucking drugs, right? Why the fuck wasn’t I good enough for her? To quit, get help, or some shit. But, I don’t hate her. I always took care of her.”
No one really gets that part of him. To have no hatred for his mom, of all people. Every day, she’d pick drugs over him. She’d date her dealers who were always terrible people. A lot of them abused Jason and his mom either did not care because she got a discount on whatever her drug of choice was at the time or she was so far gone, she didn’t even notice. But, it was the two of them a lot and it was his job to take care of her, even if it never should have been. She was his mom.
“That’s nice of you and honestly, good for you. It never should have been your responsibility.”
“Yeah, but it was.” Jason scoffs. “How about you?” Jason jerks his head up towards you in a quick motion. His mom is still sore spot for him, though. “Like, do you ever…wish you knew your dad?”
Jason never asked about your dad because he does, hate his dad. Jason lived with his mom because his dad was down and out. A part of Jason didn’t blame him. Addicts aren’t easy to be with but Jason was a kid. He never should have been left alone to take care of his mom. And when he did see his dad, sometimes he’s get mad because Jason’s always had a smart mouth, always been a troublemaker, and his dad would snap sometimes. Jason doesn’t have a grudge against him, but he doesn’t like him either. So, he never asked.
Your brows furrow as you continue to eat your burger. “I don’t know. Not really. I only saw him once, he came to yell at my mom. It was something about her not letting him see me or something. He shoved her and he was high as fuck. Never showed up again. Like, I wish I knew him but he also picked drugs over me and I don’t want someone who’s gonna pick drugs over me in my life. Even if it’s to tell him to go fuck himself.” You shrug. “I think I just want to know why but not enough to look for him or even hear him out if he shows up. Not worth my time.”
Jason lets out a soft chuckle and that’s something he gets. He wanted to know why his dad was the way he was but it wasn’t worth it to ask. It wouldn’t have made the situation better. It wouldn’t have changed anything. It probably would have made things worse.
“Dads, right?” Jason lets out a scoff.
“Yeah.” You scoff and for a second, you think that at least he has Bruce. Bruce might not be the best by a long shot, but he at least cares about him. “Anyway,” You sigh. “This is seriously really good.” You smile at him. “I think you should cook for me all the time.” You beam.
“Oh, now you want me to be your personal chef?” Jason quips.
“You’re so good at it, Jay.” You lean in closer to him, batting your eyelashes and Jason’s heart stops in his chest. Maybe he misses that feeling, too.
“Kissing my ass?” Jason’s brows wave at you.
“Is it working?” Your smile turns cheeky.
“You could keep going.”
You let out a booming laugh, sitting back up in your chair. “I missed you so fucking much.”
“Yeah, I missed you, too.” Jason chuckles softly.
You make him feel so at ease with everything. He’s haunted and damaged and a little bit of a mess, but he doesn’t feel any of those things with you. He just feels like Jason Todd. And that is refreshing. And he misses your laugh and the way your eyes crinkle at the corners when you smiles at him. He missed the way his heart likes to do summersaults around you and the taunting smirks you give him. He missed the easiness you provide.
“Alright, how’re things, really?” Jason asks, sitting back in his chair, nudging your knee with his.
Your brows furrow. “What do you mean?”
“Nightmares, training.” Jason answers as smoothly as he can.
Maybe he’s been asking about you. You don’t lie to him but you omit information and Jason’s not mad about it. He never could be. He does it, too but with him not being at the tower, maybe he’s asked Gar and Dick a few times how you've been. They tell him point blank. At the end of the day, Gar and Dick know the two of you are the only ones who could ever get through to each other. So, when Jason asks, they tell him.
You pause, looking at him and how does he know that? Jason shows he cares in different ways than most people. Like, for example, he doesn’t tell them. That’s too much, too real. Instead, he does things for them. But this, for him to know that, he’d have to be asking about you. Of course, he could have figured it out. If anyone knows you the best, it would be him but the way he said it, you’re positive that’s not it.
“You asking about me?”
Jason shrugs. “And what if I am?”
You want to combust. You both tiptoe around the inevitable conversation. It’s bound to happen one way or another. But it’s day one in Gotham and neither of you want to go there yet. So, you dodge the game, just for that question.
��Yeah, I, uh, I don’t know.” You shrug. “Most nights I wake up from a nightmare. I don’t really like to sleep anymore.” You chew the inside of your cheek.
Jason looks at you and he hates that for you. But he doesn’t really sleep either. Deathstroke has permanently destroyed parts of him and that includes the ability to get any real sleep. “You gotta find a way to sleep.”
“Yeah,” You scoff. “But then I can’t sleep anyway so I train instead. But clearly, you knew that.” You widen your eyes at him. “Clears my head. Sometimes I can sleep a little after.”
“Same nightmares as before?”
“With the added attack of the tower, Gar dying. Lots of me dying, lots of me being the one who kills you and Gar. I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry.” Jason apologizes and he wants to do something that’ll help but he doesn’t know what. Not anything outside the routine you had fallen into at the tower. “Hey, uh, as long as you try to fucking sleep, you can always come into my room when you have a nightmare. I can read to you like before.” Jason offers, going back to his food to intentionally avoid looking at you.
You adore him with every piece of you. If you didn’t know any better, you’d swear the sun revolved around him. “Thanks, Jay. Might have to take you up on it.” You laugh softly. “How’re yours?”
“Who said I’m having nightmares?”
You shrug. “Just have a feeling.” You’ve had texts from him at all hours of the day and night. If he weren’t having nightmares, he’d be sleeping at some point.
Jason sucks in a breath. “Same shit. Deathstroke. Someone chasing me around the manor with a gun. They shoot me and I wake up before I die, I guess. Shit's fucked.” Jason lets out a scoff.
“I’m sorry.” You nudge his leg with her knee and a sense of worry comes over you. That’s a new nightmare and you wonder if it’s getting worse instead of better. “My room will always be open for you, too.” You offer a soft smile.
“Thanks.” Jason chuckles softly.
“You and me.” You go back to your food and Jason swears he only ever wants it to be him and you.
“You and me.” Jason repeats.
As you and Jason finish your conversation, Bruce comes home. He greets you with a kind smile and a hello. He asked how the flight was. You explain that it was good and you’re very thankful and appreciative that he is allowing you to stay at the Manor. You’re still pretty sure it’s just a favor to Jason and not just out of the kindness of his heart. But, you’ll definitely take what you can get. Gotham is home and this is allowing you to be home, with your best friend.
The rest of the day goes by and you find yourself exploring the Manor with Jason until Bruce Bruce needed Jason for something Batman-related. So, you got to occupy yourself for some of the day. You did text Gar and let him know you landed and everything was good. You promised you’d keep in touch. This is nice though. There’s something that feels so good about it and you actually feel a little more at ease. You felt at home enough in San Francisco, at the tower with everyone, but not like this. This feels like it will be home again in such a specific way. It makes you so happy.
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Later that night, Jason finds you in the living room, scrolling through your phone. He’s just gotten back from patrol with Bruce and it didn’t go too well. And the only thing he wants to do is sit down with you, forget about it entirely. And you’re completely oblivious to him standing in the doorway. But, he has a soft smile daunting his face. He’s so happy to have you here. The world doesn’t feel so heavy with you here now.
“Hey.” Jason greets you, plopping down right beside you, nearly sitting on you.
“Excuse the fuck outta you.” You snap your head in his direction, but you don’t move away. You get a look at a purple bruise hugging his jaw and blues circling his right eye, kissing the skin.
“What’re you doing?” Jason questions, looking over at your phone.
You jerk your phone away, furrowing your brows at him. He’s so nosy. “Well, I was scrolling through Instagram until you sat on me.”
“I didn’t sit on you, I sat next to you.” Jason smirks at you.
“Your big ass thigh is literally on my leg.” You point to him barely on you. You poke his leg, hard, and he doesn’t move, just laughs. His leg is strong against yours, it nearly hurts your finger with the poke.
“Are you complaining?” His eyes darken and he’s giving you that troubled smirk of his that sets your entire body on fire.
“You’re heavy, yes.” You shove him with a laugh and Jason barely even moves.
“Seriously, you have got to do better than that, babe.”
“Fine.” You yank your leg from him with very little effort and swing both of your legs over him, leaning your back against the arm of the couch.
“That did so much.” Jason chortles. He rests his hands on your shins, tapping with his thumbs and you shake your head.
Jason’s been…touchy today. The two of you have always joked and played chicken with each other. You’re always the chicken. But, today, he’s very touchy.  When walking around the Manor, he'd reach for your hand or put his hand on the small of your back to guide you through the courtyard. And you don’t mind but you’re wondering why that is. What changed in the month you’ve been a part that Jason is suddenly touchy? And Jason knows he’s doing it. A part of him is doing it because it’s just you. He doesn’t have to worry about overstepping his best friend anymore. You can play this game the way Jason likes to play. A little more contact, make the game of chicken a little more thrilling. And the other part of him, wants to see where it’ll actually go. For real this time, despite everything.
“But I have won because this is comfortable.” You give him a large toothy grin and Jason does that crooked smile, where he’s almost biting his bottom lip, like he’s thinking something mischievous. And you swear he’s the prettiest person you've ever met.
Jason leans forward, plucking the book off the coffee table in front of the two of you. You watch him carefully over your phone. Jason lifts his legs up, yours still on top of his, and rests his feet on the coffee table before opening the book where he has a piece of paper as a book mark. The bruise on his jaw shines against the low light, moving with his jaw as he swallows. You find yourself thinking you like the way the bruises always look on his skin. He looks perfect even with the blacks and blues and purples and reds. But, the other part of you, hates that he’s covered in bruises. He never should be.
You sit all the way up and move closer to him, placing your fingers on his jaw. Jason’s heart stutters in his chest but he lets you finish. You turn his face so you can get a look at the bruises that hug his jaw and paint his opposite eye. Your touch is so gentle and tender, Jason isn’t sure if he’d ever get used to it. It’s been so long since he’s felt this, he almost wants to jump right out of his skin. But, he doesn’t dare move because despite his better judgement, he likes when you’re like this. It’s a side of you no one else ever really get to see and it makes him feel wanted.
“What happened?” You ask softly.
Jason is like a graphite drawing, small details in colored pencil. Messy and decorated with shades of blues and purples. But beautiful and soft. Despite the messy smudges and the accidental hard edges and hand prints, he’s so beautiful. He is this beautiful graphite masterpiece that you think should be on display everywhere. There is an effortless about him and ease about him. He pays those purple and blue splotches no mind as the corner of his mouth quirks into his signature grin. He’s so unbothered and pretty. The graphite isn’t damaged or too messy, the smudges make him…him.
“Dickweed got a few lucky hits in.” Jason scoffs and there’s a tiny bit of arrogance that flashes across his eyes. “Got ‘em back though.” Jason wiggles his brows and you brush your thumb over the bruise on his jaw line before shaking your head.
“Of course you did.” You laugh softly, pulling your hand away and Jason just almost grabs your hand back.
You knew you missed him. That was obvious every single day. A coldness came over like the first cold front of the winter. Expected but disappointing anyway. You didn’t know you missed this much. You had no idea you gave him this part of yourself and he took it back to Gotham with him. You think of the Iron Giant, how when he blew up and parts of himself went everywhere, his parts echoed, finding home. You think that’s how your heart is with him. He has a part of it, maybe without even knowing, and your heart beats and aches until you’re with him. You never realized that’s what the pain was until now, now that’s it gone.
You, instead of going back to his face, wrap your arms around his neck and pull him into you. The hug catches him off guard, you hug him but there’s usually some bigger reason behind it. Deathstroke, almost dying twice, leaving, meeting again. There’s usually something bigger there but Jason doesn’t get the sense that’s what this hug is for. So, he reaches up and hugs you back.
You scare him. Jason Todd is not supposed to be scared of anything and lately fear has been taking over his life. And he’s scared of you, but not in that petrifying and paralyzing way that’ll get him killed one day. He’s scared because you’ve been here before and he backed out. He pushed and ran and then you ran. You’re runners and pushers, it’s embedded so tightly through your DNA, Jason doesn’t think anything would ever stop either of you. And he’s so scared to let himself exist with you in the way he so desperately wants to. He could never handle you leaving him and he couldn’t handle hurting you. So, he pulls away, not too far, but enough to look at you.
“What’s up?” Jason asks, his eyes darting over your face and his expression is careful, desperate not to give away the ache of his chest.
You shake your head, biting the inside of your cheek. “Can’t hug you?”
“Always got a reason.” The corner of his mouth twitches up but it’s sad. If someone hugs him, even you, there’s usually a reason.
”I just missed you.” You shrug your shoulders with ease.
Jason can feel the heat creeping onto his face. “You’ve said like six fucking times today.” Jason lets out this laugh that you swear is better than any sound you’ve ever heard before. “I knew you wanted me, but fuck.”
“Shut the fuck up.” You let out a groan but you can’t get the smile to fall from your face. “Want you.” You scoff. “You’re the one who wants me.”
The smirk dances across Jason’s face. “Babe, if I wanted you, I’d have you.”
“Yeah, okay.” You roll your eyes. “Like to see you fucking try, Jay.” You taunt and there’s nothing hold you back from it now. You aren’t a Titan right now. There’s no Gar or Rose. It’s literally just the two of you for the first time since you’ve known each other. And you see Jason pause and you’ve won. “Mhm, exactly. I win.” You hum triumphantly, leaning back against the arm of the couch and Jason doesn’t take losing gently.
If this is game you want to play, he’ll play ball. No one else is here anyway. Jason gets this darkness that crosses his eyes and you do is smile to yourself proudly, going back to looking at your phone. You’re positive, for once, he doesn’t have a come back. But, Jason sticks his finger in his book and stretches his right arm out, grabbing the collar of your hoodie and pulling you forward, bringing you an inch from his face.
Your eyes nearly bug out of your head, your breath catches in the very back of your throat. You swear you can taste your heartbeat in your mouth. Your stomach flips upside down, your bones feel like they’re turning to jell-o. How the fuck does he do that? His eyes are forest green in the low light of the living room and you swears it’s your favorite color now. That specific shade of green that should be named after Jason, himself.
Jason’s eyes dart between your eyes and your lips, he’s doing it on purpose. Jason does everything with intention. Impulsive? Yes. But, he has a purpose for everything that he does. He’s careful even when he’s impulsive.
“Mhm, exactly.” Jason’s voice is low, mocking you.
You finally let out a breath and look to his lips. For a split second, just a fraction of a second, you knows that if you close that distance, he loses. You’re picking up this game of chicken as if no time has passed and it feels like no time has passed. It feels like it did before Gar, before Rose, before Deathstroke. It feels like it did before shit hit the fan. And you know if you do something about it now, you’ll win. And you want to do it so badly, but you aren’t sure you want to be the one to do it this time. And, you like the cocky and arrogant smirk he gets when he wins.
“Fuck you.” You finally get the bitter words out of your mouth and Jason’s grin switches to cockiness, a triumphant win he doesn’t realize was handed to him.
Jason lets go of the collar of your hoodie, you falling back against the arm of the couch. “I win.”
“You’re so obnoxious.” You let out a whine and Jason sees the genuine smile pulling at the right side of your mouth.
“Just the way you like me.” Jason chortles, leaning back in his seat.
You almost tell him. But, you don’t think you actually have to. The both of you know. Neither of you are that obvious. You both already know there’s more here. Jason saw the way you were with Gar compared to how you are with him and he’s not so oblivious to not realize why even if it’s hard to believe. And you saw how he was with Rose, he’s different with you and Jason doesn’t let just anyone in. But you both do nothing about it because of fear and this is easier. The game you play, knowing something will happen sooner or later. This is easier than the conversations of risking the other breaking each other’s hearts. Taking those pieces of each other and the other tossing them into the river to drown. The risk is just a little too much for both of you right now and you don’t need the talk to know.
Jason looks down at his book before looking back to you. “Wanna watch something?”
Your brows furrow as you shake your head, as if to be doing a double-take of his words. “You? Wanna watch a movie?” You look up at him.
“Haven’t watched anything in a while.” Jason offers the softest of shrugs, trying to brush it off. He wants to watch something because that’s your thing.
“I always want to watch something.” You chew the inside of your cheek. “What’d ya have in mind?”
“You pick.” Jason chuckles, putting the piece of paperback in the book before tossing it onto the coffee table.
“I have suddenly forgotten every movie I have ever watched in my entire life.” You blink at him and Jason can’t help but laugh.
“Well, scroll.” Jason leans over you to grab the remote from the table beside the armrest.
He’s leaning over you, a little too close and your heart thunders. You can smell his soap on him and a hint of what you swear his in cologne he’d wear at the tower. A smile pulls at your lips, thinking that is a weird thing to put on after a shower at three in the morning. It’s such a Jason thing to do and you really do just adore him. Jason grabs the remote, hovering just above you with a wild grin and he did it on purpose.
“Here.” Jason states with ease, seeing the gentle expression of fluster across your face.
“Getting pretty close there, Jay.” You whisper, blinking at him and you take a page out of his book, actively glancing between his eyes and lips.
“You were in the way.” Jason doesn’t move and he can feel his stomach twist and turn.
“Right, could have asked me to grab the remote.” You put your hand on his, intentionally stalling as you grab the remote, keeping your eyes on him.
“Could have.” Jason shrugs a shoulder and he almost rests his forehead against yours because he can see your eyes darting across his face. But, it's you who do it first.
You can't help it. He gets close and it's the only thing you ever want, to keep him as close to you as long as possible. You feel warm when he's this close and the second he backs away, you’re cold again and you hate being cold. And Jason's entire brain is short-circuiting. Half of him is screaming 'do it' over and over again. It's screaming and banging at the inner walls of his mind, suffocating nearly every other reasonable thought he could possibly have. Then, there's the other part that thinks it's too soon even if he so desperately wants to cave to the voices in his head. And he is almost terrified of what would happen if he were the one to actually do it this time.
“Did you put on cologne?” You question him because one of you has to say something eventually and you decide, you'll do something if he has one of his usual quips. You pull away just enough to look at him and his eyes shoot wide open.
“No.” He scoffs, heat creeping up his neck as he finally back away. He didn’t think you’d notice.
You chuckle softly as you start to feel the cold creep over your bones. You were hoping he'd have a quip. “Okay, sure.” You shrug, looking at the TV and you can still feel your heart in your throat. “Smells good.” Jason gains a soft smile with your words as he watches you look at the TV.
You start scrolling through the home page, just in case anything sparks your interest. You look up in the corner to see if it says which profile it is. The picture is a picture of Jason, not smiling at the camera and the photo is simple but you think it’s cute. So, you scroll comfortably and naturally see one of the Saw movies recommended followed by Human Centipede and you cringe with the sight of the movie. The Walking Dead is under Jason’s continue watching, he’s on season 2 and you smile. Jason doesn’t watch TV but he’s watching one of your shows.
“Oh! Here.” You click a movie and look at Jason excitedly.
“Yeah…?” Jason chuckles softly and adoration bubbles in his stomach because he loves when you go on little movie rants.
“Happy Death Day.”
“Happy Death Day?” Jason nods. “Am I supposed to know what the fuck that is?”
“One of the best movies ever!” You yell excitedly and Jason loves when you get excited over movies. There’s an innocence about it. You’re anything but innocent so when you’re like this, Jason really likes it. “Groundhog Day?”
Jason shakes his head, looking at you with more confusion. “Which is?”
“Groundhog Day is a movie where the character repeats the same day over and over again.”
“Ugh.” Jason groans, tossing his head back against the back of the couch. “You like those movies?!”
“No! I don’t like Groundhog Day, that’s not my point. I like this movie.” You laugh. “She has to repeat the same day over and over until she finds her killer.”
“Oh, she just gets do-overs.”
“Yep, because Tree is a final girl and she’s a fun one, too.” You grin up at him. “Have I ever steered you wrong?” You offer him a pitiful pout and Jason nearly rolls his eyes into oblivion.
“No, you fucking haven’t.” Jason groans. You’re usually right but then he remembers something you did have him do once. “Actually, no that’s a lie. Remember that time you told me it was a good idea to use one of those smoke canons things on Dick while he made his coffee.” Jason reminds you and you nearly laugh yourself into a fit of tears.
“It was a good idea! He was pissed, he spilled coffee everywhere! There was blue dust covering the entire kitchen! He was blue for days! It was worth it.”
It was about three weeks after Dick had brought you back to the tower. Jason wanted to get Dick back for something stupid that happened in training. He had the bright idea to use one of the smoke canons they use for parties that are supposed to be non-toxic. He went to you, asking if it was a good idea or if he should think of something even better. You did not take long to tell him it was a great idea. You pictured Dick covered in blue smoke that would probably stain and he’d look like the guy from Big Fat Liar. That was enough for you to think it was a great idea.
Dick did not think so. Jason snuck into the kitchen, behind Dick and hid behind the counters before popping out and shooting one of the canons at Dick. Dick’s coffee mug hit the ground, shattering while coffee spilled everywhere. And he was covered in blue smoke. You were in the living, laughing so hard you started choking. Jason’s laugh bounced off of every wall and Dick wanted to yell because what the fuck? It was five in the morning. And this what he’s dealing with. Dick wasn’t actually mad though, not at first because it took a little bit of dedication for Jason to pull it off and for you to be awake at five in the morning. He stood there, completely silent as if to be questioning every life choice he’s made that lead him to that exact moment before finally muttering “I’m not cleaning this” and Jason immediately said he would through his fit of laughter.
It was after the shower that Dick was not happy. You were right, it did stain and he did look like the guy from Big Fat Liar. He still wasn’t that mad but he was going to dish out something because now he’s blue. Jason swore up and down it was worth it. And Gar and Rachel got a good laugh out of it, too. Rachel didn’t even want to think it was funny but Dick was in the training room trying to be so serious about something but none of you could take him seriously with a face as blue as Blue from Blue’s Clues.
“I got double chores for a week!” Jason yells.
“Well, it was a good idea for me. I got a good fucking laugh out of it and you had to pick up some my chores. So, I did not steer you wrong. I steered you exactly where I wanted you.”
All Jason can do is blink at you, he wants to laugh. You’re just as conniving as he is. You do it differently and he’ll definitely be getting you back for that.
“Yeah, don’t think you thought that far ahead.”
“Oh, didn’t I?” You wiggle your brows at him.
“No.” Jason states but his word is slightly unsure.
“Guess you’ll never know.” You shrug cheekily, looking back to the TV and you change the subject before Jason can dispute the discussion “Hey, Jay.”
“No, fuck you.” Jason scoffs, the corners of his mouth perking up.
“You should get me a blanket.” You offer a toothy, pleading smile.
“Do I look like a fucking maid to you?”
“I don’t think you want me to answer that.” You snicker to yourself and it takes everything in Jason not to start laughing and immediately get up to get you a blanket.
“Fuck you, no!” Jason huffs, you’ll be the death of him, he swears it.
“Please.” You lean forward, pouting your bottom lip. “It’s chilly.”
“It’s fucking July.” Jason’s voice booms as he finally lets the laugh slip.
“And three in the morning.” You bat your eyes at him.
“You’re so annoying.” Jason scoffs, moving your legs off him before he gets up.
“Maybe so, but you think it’s cute.”
“Do I?” Jason quips, you can see his canines through his fake scowl. He’s cute when he pretends to be mad. And Jason always thinks you’re cute, even when you’re not trying to be.
“Of course you do.” You hold your head up. “I think you’re cute.”
“Alright, shut up, pause the damn movie. What blanket you want?”
“Doesn’t matter, your pick.” Your smile turns soft and Jason nods his head slowly before turning around and heading down the hallway.
They say home is where the heart is. Jason thought that was a load of shit. His heart has belonged to several people, several places. His home, the library, his mom, his uncle, Bruce. He swore if home were a place, it would not just be the thing he loves. It would be a place he felt safe and comfortable, where he didn’t always have to look over his shoulder. It would be a place where he didn’t feel like he needed to hide a tire iron under his pillow or a baseball bat under his bed. He wouldn’t feel like he needs to hide food around the house, just to make sure he always has a stash, just in case. It would be a place of comfort and safety and peace. But, he’s walking to his room to grab a blanket for you and he thinks he feels more at home now than he ever has before. Jason pretends like he doesn’t know why that is, even if it’s chewing and biting and tugging the very center of his chest.
“Here’s your damn blanket.” Jason comes back, tossing it over your head.
“Hey!” You yell, pulling the blanket away. Jason lets out a soft laugh as he plops down beside you once more. “Rude.”
“I got the blanket.” Jason quips back. “You gonna share?”
“It’s JuLy.” You mock him while you swing your legs back over his. You spread the blanket over your legs, covering Jason, too.
Jason gains a grin looking back at you and you play the movie. The movie plays for a few minutes, before you break the silence and you think maybe Jason’s rubbed off on you because now you can’t shut up. You ignore the feeling that maybe it’s because you haven’t talked like this in a month. You ignore that maybe it’s just you missing him.
“You seem comfortable here.” You state, looking over him.
“Yeah,” Jason nods his head. “Gotham is fucking shitshow, but like you said, it’s home.” He shrugs a shoulder, a fond smile on his lips.
“Yeah.” You agree with him.
“You seem comfortable here, too. It’s your first day but you seem like you’ve been living here as long as I have.”
You offer him a kind smile. “Yeah…it feels nice. I like it here.” You think maybe you could feel comfortable anywhere as long as Jason is there.
He always offers a different type of comfort than Gar ever did. Gar offered comfort, it’s just different with Jason. He offers it with quips rather than tender words and kind touches. He offers it with sarcasm and fire in his bones. Gar offered it with softness and gentle words. Jason offers comfort in a way that makes you feel understood.
Jason moves his legs from under you and slide his on the couch, maneuvering himself to lean against the back of the couch, partially on you so he can lie down with his elbow holding his head up. The exhaustion of lack of sleep and patrol is finally catching up with him. He’s not sure if he could hold his head up much longer just sitting up. And you smile at him, a soft and loving smile.
“Tired?” You ask.
“I’m fine.” Jason answers and you think maybe it’s a reflex, to always say he’s fine. You hope he breaks the habit and chooses honesty one day.
“Mhm.” You roll your eyes. “Just lay down, I’m not gonna fucking bite you.”
“You do give biter vibes.” Jason huffs and you tap the top of his head. “Hey!” Jason lets out a laugh, looking up at you.
“I don’t bite people!” You glare at him before a flash of teasing comes across your eyes. “Well…not like this.”
Jason smirks. “Oh, that’s what you’re into? Yeah, that tracks.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Jay?”
Jason laughs loudly. “Nothing.” Jason continues to snicker.
“Maybe I will bite you.” You mutter.
“You can bite me in that context all you fuckin want, babe.”
Your words jumble in your mouth like they’re all rushing out once and caused a traffic jam. How does he always do that?
“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” You quip and the response catches Jason off guard. He’s surprised you had a comeback.
“Wouldn’t be a threat.” Jason fires back.
“Lay down.” You roll your eyes and and stretch out your arms, welcoming him to lay with you. You think your smile might be stuck on your face like glue.
Jason smiles softly to himself and he does as told, scotting up closer to you, resting his head between your chest and stomach. You’re the only person he’s ever felt comfortable enough to lay like this with.
A kind warmth fills your stomach with the butterflies swarming around. He’s so soft. He’s so soft and he’s so good. He deserves everything good to happen to him. Jason being rough around the edges but soft around you. It makes you want to melt right into the floor. He’s fucking cute. And you lift your hand, tangling your fingers in his hair, spinning his curls around her finger. Jason hums and he doesn’t remember the last time someone played with his hair but it’s nice. It’s relaxing and you just keeps doing it while the movie plays, absentmindedly enjoying the closeness. The both of you could easily get used to this.
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none-of-your-bullshit · 5 months
Text
Say that You Love Me - Chapter 10
I’ll Show You (every version of yourself)
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader
Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, canon typical violence, insecurities, death, inaccuracies for how the U.S. government works
Series Masterlist
When Hotch decided to not retire, you had already turned down Interpol's offer.
He had you in his office every Tuesday since you came back for a weekly review of a weekly mandatory psych eval. You told him that you really liked Angela, your Cassie-assigned therapist-but-also-FBI approved, and she had been helping you a lot. 
“That’s great to hear,” your boss said. “I expect her to send a full assessment by the end of the week.”
“I will let her know,” you said. “I, uh, want to keep seeing her after the mandatory sessions are fulfilled, if I may.”
“Of course.” He agreed without a second thought. He opened his mouth, then closed it, as if hesitating to say something. You raised an eyebrow in question. “I would like your professional opinion.”
Your eyebrow just got higher. “About?”
“Sam Cooper called.” He said, your heart dropped for a second. “Not about you. About a case. He asked for our assistance in regards to a string of murders of father-daughters at a specific time of year.”
You took the file from Hotch’s hand and scanned the case summary. “San Francisco? Isn’t that where we’re going now?” 
“Yes.”
“So you think it might be connected to our case?”
“That’s where I need your professional opinion on.”
You looked at him with a deadpan stare. “No, you don’t. You have decided. If validation is what you really want, then yeah, Cooper’s onto something.”
“Okay, thank you.” Hotch said. “We’ll meet at the basement in ten.”
You didn't expect to meet with Cooper and his team again so soon. He told you he was going to give you time to think about his offer, but you knew you couldn't just leave him hanging. This case, working together with him again, he would want an answer by the end of it, if he wasn't getting fired for going behind Strauss's back.
Spencer tried not to frown as he watched you embrace the rest of Cooper's team. He saw that Cooper was your handler and the lead agent during your period of undercover work regarding the Romani family network, but he didn't even consider the possibility of you being that friendly with them. 
Then, suddenly, there were a lot of possibilities to consider.
Throughout the entire case, he observed how you were more relaxed and joked around more with Mick or Beth. He noted how at some point, Cooper ruffled your hair in brotherly affection for getting a lead. He noted how at ease you were with them, much more than with Hotch's team.
How could he not? The profile said everything didn't it? Your tendency to bend the rules and impulsivity matched perfectly. A certain room of freedom you might just need to thrive. The rag tag team of people with gray and questionable backgrounds. You'd fit right in, wouldn't you?
Was this the secret meeting with Hotch about? Are you transferring to Cooper's team?
"Do you –do you guys think she will leave again?" Spencer asked in a small voice when it was just him, JJ, and Derek. 
"What are you talking about, Reid?" Derek asked, flipping more pictures.
"Y/N," he said. "Do you think she'd transfer to Cooper's team?"
"Honestly? I don't know," JJ answered. "I think even Hotch is a little worried."
"If I say I don't want her to go," Spencer started to admit. "Would I be selfish?"
"If so, then the whole team is selfish." Derek said. "She's smart, she's capable, she'd thrive everywhere she goes. I think we should just trust her on this one."
When the case wrapped, Hotch agreed to push back their flight for a few beers with the two teams. Spencer joined you, Rossi, and Jonathan with a jar of snacks. Since the four of you were the only ones not drinking (you and Rossi because you both hated the taste of beer, Jonathan because he finished his bottle but didn't reach for more, and him because of his sobriety), you four had the dibs on the snacks. 
"What do you mean?" Spencer asked, confused by the comments Rossi and Jonathan made.
"They're comparing prison experience," you laughed, throwing a peanut to his face. "Just be glad you guys have not seen the inside of the Turkish version of a gulag."
"Heard you turned down that Interpol job." Jonathan asked after a few minutes. "Broke Ryder's heart."
Interpol? Interpol wanted you on their team? Why didn't you tell him? Jonathan’s comment forced him to turn his head so fast, he almost got a whiplash. Spencer was studying you now, and he could tell Rossi was too.
"Yeah well," she shrugged. "I'm not much of a leader. Besides, since Eastern Europe's off limits for me, it's very restricted."
"Don't sell yourself short." He said. "Besides, Cooper's hopeful. You gonna break his heart too, L/N?"
You laughed him off. Then, Mick was calling for Jonathan, which also diverted your attention to him. Spencer didn't miss the wink he sent you, or the way you stuck your tongue out at him. Something bitter rose to the back of his throat. 
"You know you're free to choose, right?" Rossi said. "You don't have to stay with us out of some sense of obligation to me or Aaron?"
"Yeah, I know," you said, looking down at the handful of peanuts on your hand.
"The team will be fine, kid."
"No, we won't." Spencer frowned, unable to hold down his anxiety for much longer. "We finished cases twice as long, Morgan and Hotch were more snappy and impatient, JJ missed your caramel candies and how you're the only one who noticed she liked them, Prentiss and Garcia just looked sad whenever they did or saw something and reminded them of you. And you, Rossi, you were always worried about her and I –I don't want you to leave again because –because I –"
The words wouldn't come out, stuck on his throat. What was he supposed to say, anyway? That he hated it when you were gone? That he missed the way you'd come up to him and said that you had Googled something he had said and thanked him for sending you down the rabbit hole. He missed the way you'd switch out his coffee with green tea when he hit two cups. He missed your little comments and observations on cases, how some people's "vibes" were off and turned out they were either the unsub or hiding something.
He missed your head leaning on his shoulder during plane rides. He missed the home baked goods you'd bring to the office while not saying that you baked them, but Spencer knew anyway. He missed you, even though you were next to him.
"Spence," you said, your hand around his arm. "I'm staying with you –with the team. I'm not going anywhere for awhile, especially not after–"
Spencer didn't miss the way you caught yourself, but he was too relieved to say anything about it. Call him selfish, but the weight on his chest that had been suffocating him since the beginning of this case had been lifted. He tried to ignore Rossi's knowing smile too.
**
It wasn't until the case in Alaska that you and Spencer got to actually talk about, well, about you.
Sure, there had been conversations in the jet or the break room, but it was as if you both agreed to avoid the topic of the kiss all together. Avoid the topic of what you have been doing for the past year and the new scars that adorned your skin. In turn, you avoided his glances and you were too afraid to ask about the lipstick stain on his name card.
When the tavern owner said that there had only been 4 rooms available, you knew that it was you who'd room with Spencer. 
You tried to offer to stay up with Garcia, just in case, but Hotch shot you down saying that you needed to be on your freshest minds the next day.
You didn't bother to tell him that you won't be getting any sleep rooming with Spencer. 
Of course, you just had to get the room with only one bed.
It was easy to fall into routine. 
Back when you were still sleeping with each other (granted it was only like, five times), you'd use your en suite while Spencer used the guest bathroom. In his place, you'd tell him to go first because the six step skincare routine you absolutely needed to do took up a lot of time. Then, he'd come up behind you and rested his chin on your shoulder and ask questions about the products you were using.
At some point, you convinced him to use a clay mask with you. The mess was worth the priceless polaroids you took.
Spencer was sitting on the bed by the time you got out. The sight was so familiar, it gripped your heart. 
"I'll take the floor–"
"Shut up and lay down, Spence."
He complied, and you followed suit. The inches of distance felt like a chasm, and you were too anxious to fall asleep. Besides, you could practically hear him thinking.
You looped your arm around his and leaned your head on his shoulder. 
"You have questions, Spencer," you said. "Ask."
"Were you hurt?" He blurted. "Or lonely? Did you miss us?"
"Being undercover is different when you have something to lose, I guess," you said. "Back then, I didn't have anyone. I didn't need to think about anyone else's safety but mine and the agency's. It's different now. Missing someone or something while knowing you can't do anything about it, it consumes you sometimes."
"Oh." Spencer said. He turned his head towards you, eyes tracing the bare skin of your neck, your shoulders and collarbone from the oversized shirt you were wearing. "Is that why you called Garcia when you were arrested in Texas, instead of Cooper?"
"Wait, how did you –nevermind." You shared a soft laugh. "Yeah, pretty much. I called her because I knew that if something's wrong, she'd track me in no time."
"You're right."
You paused. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, when you were hurt or when you guys were going after Foyet."
"To take down an entire network of ritualistic serial killers."
"Still," you sighed. "I feel like a shitty friend."
"Right, and how many times did you get hurt while you were undercover?" Spencer asked. When you bit your lip instead of answering, he scoffed. "I counted three new permanent scars that I can see. Y/N, how many are there?"
"It doesn't matter," you said. "I'm here now, with you, and the team, and that's all that matters, right?"
"Yeah."
"And, uh," you began. "We don't have to talk about that kiss, if you don't want to. We're good, Spence, I promise."
Spencer nodded at that, grateful. Truthfully, he wouldn't know what to say other than he was scared of losing you, of never seeing you again. He had run out of things to say so he had kissed you instead. So, Spencer wrapped his arm around your shoulders and pulled you to him, holding you like he did before you joined the team, and you both fell asleep to the rise and fall of each other's chest.
"I'm really glad you're alive."
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