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#i refuse to believe they are 30+ bc i means i will have to accept being a hag myself
effieandtim · 4 months
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I know what you mean about Tim in the 80s. He carries himself differently, he has lost all hope in his eyes, he's definitely miles away from the Tim in the 50s (I have to applaud once again Jonny's acting because you can tell this man has seen some shit in the past 30 years with just one look). But also, he still has the same passion in the things he believes in, which I love. And it's also a nice contrast with Hawk, who doesn't seem to have changed much. He still reacts in the same way when things are too confrontational or when feelings become too much to handle. Like in the argument's scene in the 80s it was striking how Hawk was the one who reacted as a child, with the same fears he had in the 50s, while the one who should have been difficult since he's dying, aka Tim, was the adult there. Also man, he just knows him so well. Like he screamed at him to go find a bathroom to fuck someone, and where Hawk went exactly? lol Hawk, man, you're so fucked up. Just get your shit together, because Tim doesn't deserve to be put through your fuckery once again, not when he's dying.
definitely and i agree.
tim just… he is breaking my heart. and not just the terminal aspect of his life but like… he seems so passionate still. like he knows he doesn’t have much time left so he is trying to do as much as possible, wanting to fight till his very last breath
that must be so hard for someone who knows that they have so much more left to give to the world but they just don’t have the time left and through no fault of their own, it must fill him with so much anger at the world and the unfairness of it all. which is exactly what he said in ep 3 too
there is also a hint of resignation or actually, acceptance in his eyes that i see - acceptance towards his fate and also towards this whole thing with hawk. i suppose when you have been burnt so many times you kinda don’t keep your hopes up too much
but as i have said over the past week since ep 3, i think he is still hoping for a little comfort with hawk’s presence, even if it is for a week - bc thats how much he still longs for this, even after all this time. thats how much he loves him
hawk… well yeah hawk is still hiding a part of himself and i feel sorry for him actually, because even though tim suffered so much, he could be authentic and was surrounded by people who KNEW him. it doesn’t look like hawk is. he looks isolated and living a fake life for so many years
ofc that doesn’t let him off the hook and i think throughout ep 4 he had refused to accept that tim was dying or that this was real. like he knew that was gonna be the likely outcome but there was denial until that very last scene
he screwed up BADLY only in this instance, he does not have time to make it up or run away or pull his usual shit bc tim quite literally is slipping through his fingers and he needs to get his act together quick
also good point about tim knowing him so well lol
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snekverse · 11 months
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OC time!!
i have recently recycled these babies so they’re not like,, fully fleshed out lol but I wanna talk abt em anyways!! A lot of this is going to be chalk full of spoilers for my rewrite if I ever get around to actually writing it, so be warned!! they’re mostly small details tho so it’s not too huge but still
@the-tismification-of-aaron-lycan​
Della:
phys desciption: human, avg height, curvy and muscular hourglass build, moroccan, curly blonde hair (always covered by a hijab, her favorite of which is golden rod yellow), brown eyes, late teens/early 20s, her “signature color” is rust orange
Juror during Zane’s tenure, one of the only jurors not handpicked by Zane, although he did obviously have a say in her getting the position. She doesn’t have a confirmed jury title yet, but her temp title is Crystal Vision
Magics user with the ability to see into the future. due to her age + other factors her ability to control said magics is somewhat limited; she has very little control over how far forward she sees and visions tend to come to her at random rather than her intentionally making them happen (not to say that she can’t induce visions). she also tends to accidentally induce visions when she becomes stressed or overwhelmed
the magics came mostly naturally, more of a gift, and now that she’s reached a point in her practice where she actually needs to work at it she’s at a loss. on the path to magical gifted kid burnout
she has very little family and no friends from childhood, growing up with only her mother. They lived in a smaller, very religious town not far from Okhasis, and as such she grew up deeply religious
By nature she is very kind and compassionate albeit timid. However the rarity of her magic garnered a lot of negative attention, and a lot of people tried to find ways to use her for it, often through cruel means. As such, she has become anxious and paranoid
in terms of trying to use her the Jury/Okhasis is no different, something she didn’t realize until it was too late. She hates being in the Jury, but is too afraid of what might happen to her and/or her mother if she tries to leave
her story ends during the 15yr timeskip, when she is tried and executed for treason on account of not being able to predict/prevent Zane’s disappearance. 
Elliott: 
phys description: werewolf, tall, somewhat lean but sturdy inverted triangle build, central european, messy dark brown hair, black eyes, mid 30s, his “signature color” is eggplant purple
Corinne’s husband and Lia’s father
Juror during Zane’s tenure, recruited thanks to the interference of his wife Corinne. He has no particularly strong feelings about Zane, the Jury, or any of their questionable morals; for him it’s really just a job. His Jury Title is Wolf’s Bane
He doesn’t use any weapons, in human form or wolf, but Corinne does provide various potions and elixirs to boost his attacks, which he often takes advantage of in the form of poison-tipped claws
He’s been essentially disowned by his family after he was turned, and he has learned to “accept it” (*cough* repress it *cough*). Even if they refuse to associate with him, he has a mother, father, and three younger brothers. He originally hails from a very small farming-central village in the south of Ru’an, went on the run for years after being turned before meeting Corinne in Okhasis, where he settled.
He’s very cocky and self-assured by nature, definitely kind of an asshole. All the trauma of being turned and disowned left him bitter and angry, traits he has to this day. He doesn’t have a whole bunch of positive qualities lol
He does love his wife wholeheartedly though, as well as his daughter. Everything he does he does with his family in mind. He wants to be better to them than his family was for him, and often that ends up with him stubbornly believing everything he does is right (bc he’s doing it for them and if they argue then they’re ungrateful etc yall know how this goes)
his story ends during the 15yr timeskip; he gets killed in the line of battle during the war with Tu’la, loyal to his nation and family til the very end
Corinne:
phys description: witch, avg height, curvy pear-shaped build, vietnamese, straight dark orange hair, brown eyes, early 30s, her “signature color” is wine red
Elliott’s wife and Lia’s mother
Not a juror, but very closely connected to Zane, the Jury, and other Okhasian nobility through her husband’s juror status, something she enjoys taking advantage of
she is native to Okhasis, coming from a semi-noble family, not super high in the politics chain but well above the average citizen
Her dream was to be one of the “top dogs” in Okhasis, if not the entirety of Ru’an. She got this from her mother who had a similar goal.
Marrying Elliott was something more akin to an investment for her; she saw that he had potential and pushed him to reach for something greater (the jury), ultimately raising her own status drastically
She is incredibly selfish and vain, caring for no one but herself. She gets away with it by being manipulatively charming
During the timeskip very little changed in terms of her goals. at some point she figured Tu’la was likely going to take over, she abandoned everything and swapped sides, working her way up in Tu’lan society. She is currently remarried to a well respected Tu’an general
Cordelia/Lia:
phys description: werewolf, tall but not as tall as her father, lean rectangular build, mixed (european/vietnamese), curly dark orange hair, brown/black eyes, 7(s1), 22 post timeskip, her “signature color” is rose pink as a child and dusty rose as an adult
Daughter of Elliott and Corinne
Her parents were deeply involved in the Jury and Okhasis politics and struggled to give her the attention she needed; as a result, she was never very close to them (plus a million other mental health issue lmao)
Feels responsible for her parent’s wrongdoings despite not having a hand in any of it. As an adult she chooses to travel the world and right her parent’s wrongs wherever she can
Her father dies and her mother abandoned her shortly after the war started. She learned to fight and survive, barely escaping Okhasis in hner early teens alongside many other orphaned and abandoned children that she helped along her way
She’s about the same age as Abby; they weren’t close as children due to their parents not getting along, but their paths cross again in adulthood and they briefly become travel companions. They’re still not close, but they’re not enemies, so she counts it as a win
She actually has an awful crush on Abby in adulthood, but it isn’t reciprocated (yet?)
After parting ways with Abby she finds Mikai, and begins working with him and helping Tu’la refugees
Violetta:
phys description: human/mage, fairly short, chubby build, chilean, curly black hair, violet eyes, mid 20s, her “signature color” is violet (go figure lol)
something of a bounty hunter, willing to do increasingly awful things if given enough money
One of her earliest assignments was to murder Zane. She ended up failing, and was given a new assignment by him in exchange for her life (to remove a certain juror from the equation). She now is offering unofficial aid to Tu’la, who are using her to continue picking off uncooperative Ru’an nobility.
she specializes in magic that can bend light, creating optical illusions and more impressively turning things (and herself) invisible, a trick she utilizes for her job
she has a very laidback personality, very intelligent and sly but always keeping a very relaxed and often very charming demeanor
though she would never state it, she originally comes from falcon claw, her family relocating the the eastern edge of Ru’an shortly before falcon claw is decimated
Her family is nothing to write home about, both parents and her little brother are alive and well in eastern Ru’an. She’s on good terms with all three of them, but rarely visits and refuses to tell them what she does for work (she’s afraid of them reacting poorly)
she wholeheartedly believes the story about Aaron being responsible for the falcon claw massacre, and her desire for closure/revenge is partially why she become involved in bounty hunting. despite essentially dedicating her life to finding him, he has always managed to elude her, so much so she’s not even sure he’s alive
By the time of the timeskip she’s become more focused on her work + her own survival more than anything else, and no longer has that drive for vengeance
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ilhoonftw · 3 years
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it's not easy to be an idol in your 30s...
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curiosity-killed · 3 years
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Lang Qianqiu deserves more love goddammit: a post, unfortunately
This brought to you by the wonderful @veliseraptor & @/yuer on Twitter but also mostly out of spite and the fact that it’s preventing me from writing a very dumb poke-the-bear post abt the entire weird social media culture around The Minors
As always ✨SPOILERS!! SPOILERS EVERYWHERE✨
So first off: when I hit the scene where lqq confronts xl and screams “I will never be like you” I sat up in bed, did a little shimmy of delight, and hissed “fuck yes” at like 2 AM so. Now you have a preview of wtf this train wreck will be
1 ) lqq is a good character
We don’t get a ton of time with lqq because tgcf is 87 side characters running across stage with The Most Interesting Concept constantly one-upping each other before vanishing. But what we do get is, I think, enough to make a pretty compelling story: Lang Qianqiu is a kind and generous prince who is also the sole survivor of the bloody massacre of his entire family, committed by the people dearest to him (both in his belief that Gusohi Fangxin did it and in the reality of An Le’s involvement), who goes on to peacefully lead his fractious nation into a peaceful reign before he ascends as a powerful enough (aka beloved and worshipped enough) god to be ranked among the top heavenly generals. That’s like. Pretty fucking classic protagonist vibes right there.
And, as usual with mxtx’s characters, we get a lot more than this lovely little backstory. In his interactions in canon, lqq is capable of great grief and anger; he is willing to sacrifice himself if it means avenging his murdered family; and he simultaneously holds both great hatred and great respect for his old teacher. And, of course, he winds up raising and taking care of his enemy’s son which shows a remarkable depth of compassion and emotional messiness that I find terribly compelling. He struggles with a simplistic view of justice that is supported by lies told to “protect” him and that is uprooted by the truth and forces him to try to make sense of the world without the guardrails that others installed around him (looking at you mister fangxin sir).
Also I’m stealing my own tweets bc I’m Right but:
*pulls up single barstool to lqq is a good character table* I think it’s interesting & Says Things abt the continued relationship btwn lqq & xl that lqq *didn’t* recognize xl, implying that he left fangxin’s mask in place even when he went to kill him
Like here is the man who killed his family & best friend, who left him abandoned in bloodshed on his 17th bday—& here is also the man who saved his life, who taught him, who lqq looked up to & wanted to be like
Even when lqq *does* recognize xl, he still has so much respect for him paired with that hatred that it’s honestly rlly tragic? Like man. There’s so much grief in lqq’s repeated demands for a duel & insisting it’s fine if xl kills him as long as he doesn’t hold back
*pats lqq pompom* this bb is so sad. And so much more like his teacher than either of them seem to realize or necessarily want
Despite being a pretty minor character, lqq gets a lot of complexity and nuance! Look at this child trying to be grown up while desperately turning to his old master for guidance and “the truth”! Look at him! Be sad!!
2 ) lqq is an excellent parallel to xl
Okay stealing my own tweet again don’t look at me I yell the same shit everywhere
Xl didn’t want lqq to become like him (self-sacrificing, vengeful, alone) but lqq not only became alone, chasing vengeance, & willing to sacrifice himself for revenge—he also became kind, open-minded, & remorseful!! & he still clearly respects xl @ novel end 🙃🙃
We all know hc’s “they’re not very alike at all” and yeah sure baby go support your man but narratively, there’s a lot of importance given to cycles, parallels, and foils in mxtx’s writing and most explicitly (compared to mdzs, haven’t read svss) in tgcf. For example, *gestures at beefleaf, gestures at Xianle Trio vs Wuyogn Crew, gestures at Xie Lian & Jun Wu’s whole uh. Deal.* And while I’d argue xl and lqq are part of a triumvirate rather than a pair, we’re not including mister three-face in this conversation so just looking at xl and lqq:
Both adored and sheltered crown princes
Both taught by a guoshi who was seeking to prevent the repetition of their own tragedies and in their efforts, lied/omitted information and failed to protect their charge from tragedy
Both were betrayed* by their closest friends
Both are the last living members of their respective royal families
Both caught the interest of supernatural beings from a young age
Etc etc I’m getting v bored and distracted writing this so moving on
Most importantly to me, we have their betrayal by a very close and adored mentor and how they react. The confrontation I mention at the start of this shitshow is really imo one of the most important scenes in the novel because it a) illustrates the differences in xl and Jun Wu and b) sort of gives you a preview of how xl ultimately wins
So a) Jun Wu and Xie Lian both take a talented, marked-for ascension young prince under their wing. Jun Wu sees himself in the boy and obsesses over shaping him into Jun Wu’s own image in the belief that this will make him the perfect heir. Jun Wu pushes his chosen heir into situations where Xie Lian is repeatedly harmed in an effort to show that the common people are fickle and cruel and don’t deserve his compassion and care.
Meanwhile, Xie Lian is reluctantly roped into mentoring his prince due to his inability to stand aside when he feels he could do something to prevent hurt or injustice befalling another (simultaneously his great strength and great weakness! God I love him). Xie Lian tries to teach his student to believe in and care for the common people and not to sacrifice himself (see: flashback convo re:taking the force of the sword strike into his own body).
When Xie Lian refuses to bend in the shape Jun Wu demands, Jun Wu bashes his head into the wall. When Lang Qianqiu cries “I will never be like you!”, Xie Lian laughs and says “Good!”.
B) this of course feeds directly into foreshadowing! Like Lang Qianqiu’s bold words, xl ultimately refuses to become like his mentor and remains defiant even when it would stop him from being hurt. Xl beats lqq and says so what if I tricked you, so what if I lied, I still won. Naturally, xl beats Jun Wu not through standard swordplay but by using a trick he learned while forced to busk and wander the earth alone and unlucky for centuries.
…okay so I have fully forgotten what I was actually saying here! Anyway!
Like Xie Lian, Lang Qianqiu spends a time consumed with the need for vengeance, hunting his enemy and rejecting the heavens. And like Xie Lian, he winds up caring for his enemy’s “son” and trying to both comfort him and maintain what’s left of Qi Rong’s life force despite having previously been hellbent on destroying him—bc he sees the impact it has on another person. In the end, he even gives a gift to Xie Lian—his mentor, his role model, and the one who killed his father—that was once given to him as a symbol of unexpected kindness. Sound familiar?
But, importantly, and contradictory to what I have been yelling abt but whatever it’s 12:30 am, Lang Qianqiu is not a direct mirror of Xie Lian but a closing of a vital loop in the story. Lqq is very similar to xl (I will die on this hill!! Only I won’t bc I’m stronger than y’all and will keep swinging these pots and pans) but bc xl tries to do better and keep lqq from suffering the way xl has, lqq is able to have a gentler and more optimistic path forward. He’s proof that even a small act of kindness or even kindness to only one person still matters and has a ripple effect that can’t be seen when you’re in the middle of it—a thread started with xl giving the coral pearl to Lang Ying and closed with Lang Qianqiu returning the pearl to Xie Lian.
So I have no idea if any of this is coherent or compelling but I meant to be asleep two hours ago and the points are:
A) Lang Qianqiu is good actually
B) parallels!!!
C) look ive already started another wip about Lang Qianqiu and Xie Lian and I didn’t want this but no one else wrote it so now I have to so pls just accept this as a warning
*sort of air quotes around this for Xie Lian bc frankly Mu Qing was right & Xie Lian kicked feng xin out BUT on the other hand, it was experienced as a betrayal and we also again have all of Jun Wu’s shit so it evens out
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mokutone · 2 years
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can u share some head canons about kkym ? either about them individually or together i dont mind i just wanna hear ur thoughts on them <333
is kkym the abbreviation for them as a ship? sure i can share some hcs sdkjghsjkg, I should say that I'm very picky when it comes to ships insofar as romantically: if n when i ship them in canon don't really see them getting together until they're well into their 30s or maybe even early 40s—I think a lot of people will find that weird bc like. that's a long time to wait, and in fandom there's the pervasive notion of "once in love, always in love" where romantic love kind of. transcends all interactions? like if characters are in love at any point it means they must have been in love at all points? but i don't agree or relate to that and certainly not in this case they're both incredibly practical and cautious people, and especially about how they can affect others! I think they would both understand how it can be dangerous to enter into a committed relationship when you don't have a strong sense of self, and this is an issue for both of them up through anbu (so I just generally don't ship either of them during that time period) in jōnin times, kakashi is steady on to his way of understanding himself by the time Yamato has to join in—but Yamato...during the course of canon he starts to really come into himself as team Kakashi's co-captain, but I'm under the impression that the war arc kind of destroys all that progress. (um. understandably. i think being used as a dehumanized mokuton weapon to do harm to people you care about while not even being conscious of it happening is. kind of. the worst setback yamato could ever run into.) Furthermore, with his epilogue, it kinda leads me to believe firmly that he's lost the tethers he did have, and might've even accepted himself as a lost cause either partially or wholly (i can't...see him wanting to return to proximity around orochimaru as anything other than trying to like. regain control of the most basic elements of his dehumanization, ie: the mad scientist who did it first) it's!!! super depressing!!! his canon epilogue is super depressing!!! i don't think that i would want to see him in a romantic relationship like that—not until he's on stable ground again...
that said, PLATONICALLY...now this is my wheelhouse. i think that yamato was very involved with the training of kakashis current crew of ninken. he didn't do much training but he did record a lot of it so that kakashi could watch it over and try to correct his own mistakes (the only place a sharingan can't look, after all, is its user). kakashi has offered on multiple occasions to hook yamato up with his own ninken, and yamato refuses. he's not really a dog person (but i WISH he WAS because I am and I'd love to draw him with a dog.) Kakashi is a good cook—but only for a few meals. as a kid there was debate about whether he should be allowed to care for himself, or whether he should, by default, be absorbed into the inuzuka clan. he really fucking hated the idea, like. viscerally hated it, and endeavored to show that he was the worlds most autonomous child. he only knows about ten basic meals, but he knows how to make them backward and forward. he could make them blindfolded. Yamato...well. it's not that he's a bad cook exactly? It's more just that he. doesn't. cook. he likes to eat very basic things, raw fruit or vegetables for example, plain rice (perhaps with salt), or de-shelled nuts. he probably likes salads fairly well! When they cook together, generally Yamato is preparing the ingredients (chopping vegetables, etc), and then will slide them over to Kakashi who will do the cooking. They don't cook together often because they like to argue about food a lot—(a favorite habit stemming from when Tenzō was being weaned off food pills and onto like. proper meals) Neither of them bake things very often at all. When Yamato does step out of his comfort zone cooking, he's very by-the-book, and so when he sees Kakashi improvising (or perhaps following his own recipes or things he'd seen sakumo or maito dai do) he's generally quick to ask why! Their tastes are very similar as well, although if u were to chart it all out, Yamato leans slightly more towards bitter flavors, and Kakashi more towards umami flavors. both hate sweets and fried food They didn't talk a lot in the three years where Kakashi was a jōnin and Tenzō was still in anbu. Gai and Tenzō worked together (mostly at Gai's behest and functioning under Gai's plan) to get Kakashi discharged from anbu, and for a solid amount of time, Tenzō (who is very preoccupied with ideas of agency and respecting individual autonomy, since he had his own so thoroughly undermined) has trouble forgiving himself, and believing that Kakashi would forgive him for denying him the ability to make the choice to either stay in anbu or leave. Eventually, he sees, as Gai had told him he would, that Kakashi's mental health is improving, and he's able to relax and relieve himself of that guilt—but he still generally stays away until the Yamato/co-captaining assignment. It's not only that anbu is a tough gig, but also that he spent his time there working directly under Kakashi, and he needs to better solidify his sense of how he operates outside of that teamwork. He doesn't have a bad time, or a good time, but it's important to his growth to do so.
i think thats all i have off the top of my head??? i hope this has been entertaining!
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mjvnivsbrvtvs · 3 years
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hi! so we have established at this point that you have A Lot Of thoughts about antony and brutus. but how does caesar (julius, not the little bitch octavian) play into that? bc like. my knowledge and impression of them is very limited and mainly constructed from watching hbo rome and idk. i think it'd be fun to throw caesar in the mix. love all the art and writing on your blog btw! have a nice day.
Hey, okay! So this used to be over 30 pages long (Machiavelli and Caligula got involved and that's when things got out of hand), but through the power of friendship and two late night writing dates fueled by coffee, I’ve cut it way down to under 10. Many thanks to the people who listened to me ramble about it at length, and also to a dear friend for helping me cut this down to under ten pages!
Also, thank you! I'm glad you enjoy the stuff I make! It makes me very happy to hear that!
And quickly, a Disclaimer: I’m not an academic, I’m not a classicist, I’m not a historian, and I spend a lot of time very stressed out that I’ve tricked people into thinking I’m someone who has any kind of merit in this area. It's probably best to treat this as an abstract character analysis!
On the other hand, I love talking about dead men, so, with enthusiasm, here we go!
For this, I’m going to cut Shakespeare and HBO Rome out of the framework and focus more on a historical spin.
Caesar is a combination of a manipulator and a catalyst. A Bad Omen. The remaining wound that’s poisoning Rome.
Cassius gets a lot of the blame for Brutus’ turn to assassination, but it overlooks that Brutus was already inclined towards political ambition, as were most men involved in the political landscape of the time.
Furthermore, although Sulla had actually raised the number of praetorships available from six to eight, there were still only two consulships available. There was always the chance that death or disgrace might remove some of the competition and hence ease the bottleneck. But, otherwise, it was at the top of the ladder that the competition was particularly fierce: whereas in previous years one in three praetors would have gone on to become consul, from the 80s BC onwards the chances were one in four. For the senators who had made it this far, it mattered that they should try to achieve their consulship in the earliest year allowed to them by law. To fail in this goal once was humiliating; to fail at the polls twice would be deemed a signal disgrace for a man like Brutus.
Kathryn Tempest, Brutus the Noble Conspirator
The way Caesar offered Brutus political power the way that he did, and Brutus accepting it, locked them into the assassination outcome.
Here is a man who’s built his entire image around honor and liberty and virtu, around being a staunch defender of morals and the republic
In these heated circumstances, Brutus composed a bitter tract On the Dictatorship of Pompey (De Dictatura Pompei), in which he staunchly opposed the idea of giving Pompey such a position of power. ‘It is better to rule no one than to be another man’s slave’, runs one of the only snippets of this composition to survive today: ‘for one can live honourably without power’, Brutus explained, ‘but to live as a slave is impossible’. In other words, Brutus believed it would be better for the Senate to have no imperial power at all than to have imperium and be subject to Pompey’s whim.
Kathryn Tempest, Brutus the Noble Conspirator
and you give him political advancement, but without the honor needed for this advancement to mean anything?
At the same time, however, Brutus had gained his position via extremely un-republican means: appointment by a dictator rather than election by the people. As the name of the famous career path, the cursus honorum, suggests, political office was perceived as an honour at Rome. But it was one which had to be bestowed by the populus Romanus in recognition of a man’s dignitas.69 In other words, a man’s ‘worth’ or ‘standing’ was only really demonstrated by his prior services to the state and his moral qualities, and that was what was needed to gain public recognition. Brutus had got it wrong. As Cicero not too subtly reminded him in the treatise he dedicated to Brutus: ‘Honour is the reward for virtue in the considered opinion of the citizenry.’ But the man who gains power (imperium) by some other circumstance, or even against the will of the people, he continues, ‘has laid his hands only on the title of honour, but it is not real honour’.70
Brutus may have secured political office, then, but he had not done so honourably; nor had he acted in a manner that would earn him a reputation for virtue or everlasting fame.
Kathryn Tempest, Brutus the Noble Conspirator
Brutus in the image that he fashioned for himself was not compatible with the way Caesar was setting him up to be a political successor, and there was really never going to be any other outcome than the one that happened.
The Brutus of Shakespeare and Plutarch’s greatest tragedy was that he was pushed into something he wouldn’t have done otherwise. The Brutus of history’s greatest tragedy was accepting Caesar’s forgiveness after the Caesar-Pompey conflict, and then selling out for political ambition, because Caesar's forgiveness is not benevolent.
Rather than have his enemies killed, he offered them mercy or clemency -- clementia in Latin. As Caesar wrote to his advisors, “Let this be our new method of conquering -- to fortify ourselves by mercy and generosity.” Caesar pardoned most of his enemies and forbore confiscating their property. He even promoted some of them to high public office.
This policy won him praise from no less a figure than Marcus Tullius Cicero, who described him in a letter to Aulus Caecina as “mild and merciful by nature.” But Caecina knew a thing or two about dictators, since he’d had to publish a flattering book about Caesar in order to win his pardon after having opposed him in the civil war. Caecina and other beneficiaries of Caesar’s unusual clemency took it in a far more ambivalent way. To begin with, most of them were, like Caesar, Roman nobles. Theirs was a culture of honor and status; asking a peer for a pardon was a serious humiliation. So Caesar’s “very power of granting favors weighed heavily on free people,” as Florus, a historian and panegyrist of Rome, wrote about two centuries after the dictator’s death. One prominent noble, in fact, ostentatiously refused Caesar’s clemency. Marcius Porcius Cato, also known as Cato the Younger, was a determined opponent of populist politics and Caesar’s most bitter foe. They had clashed years earlier over Caesar’s desire to show mercy to the Catiline conspirators; Cato argued vigorously for capital punishment and convinced the Senate to execute them. Now he preferred death to Caesar’s pardon. “I am unwilling to be under obligations to the tyrant for his illegal acts,” Cato said; he told his son, "I, who have been brought up in freedom, with the right of free speech, cannot in my old age change and learn slavery instead.
-Barry Strauss, Caesar and the Dangers of Forgiveness
something else that's a fun adjacent to the topic that's fun to think about:
The link between ‘sparing’ and ‘handing over’ is common in the ancient world.763 Paul also uses παραδίδωμι again, denoting ‘hand over, give up a person’ (Bauer et al. 2000:762).764 The verb παραδίδωμι especially occurs in connection with war (Eschner 2010b:197; Gaventa 2011:272).765 However, in Romans 8:32, Paul uses παραδίδωμι to focus on a court image (Eschner 2010b:201).766 Christina Eschner (2010b:197) convincingly argues that Paul’s use of παραδίδωμι refers to the ‘Hingabeformulierungen’ as the combination of the personal object of the handing over of a person in the violence of another person, especially the handing over of a person to an enemy.767 Moreover, Eschner (2009:676) convincingly argues that Isaiah 53 is not the pre-tradition for Romans 8:32.
Annette Potgieter, Contested Body: Metaphors of dominion in Romans 5-8
Along with the internal conflict of Pompey, the murderer of Brutus’ father, and Caesar, the figurehead for everything that goes against what Brutus stands for, Brutus accepting Caesar’s forgiveness isn’t an act of benevolence, regardless of Caesar’s intentions.
On wards, Caesar owns Brutus. Caesar benefits from having Brutus as his own, he inherits Brutus’ reputation, he inherits a better PR image in the eyes of the Roman people. On wards, nothing Brutus does is without the ugly stain of Caesar. His career is no longer his own, his life is no longer fully his own, his legacy is no longer entirely his. Brutus becomes a man divided.
And it’s not like it was an internal struggle, it was an entire spectacle. Hypocrisy is theatrical. Call yourself a man of honor and then you sell out? The people of Rome will remember that, and they’re going to make sure you know it.
After this certain men at the elections proposed for consuls the tribunes previously mentioned, and they not only privately approached Marcus Brutus and such other persons as were proud-spirited and attempted to persuade them, but also tried to incite them to action publicly. 12 1 Making the most of his having the same name as the great Brutus who overthrew the Tarquins, they scattered broadcast many pamphlets, declaring that he was not truly that man's descendant; for the older Brutus had put to death both his sons, the only ones he had, when they were mere lads, and left no offspring whatever. 2 Nevertheless, the majority pretended to accept such a relationship, in order that Brutus, as a kinsman of that famous man, might be induced to perform deeds as great. They kept continually calling upon him, shouting out "Brutus, Brutus!" and adding further "We need a Brutus." 3 Finally on the statue of the early Brutus they wrote "Would that thou wert living!" and upon the tribunal of the living Brutus (for he was praetor at the time and this is the name given to the seat on which the praetor sits in judgment) "Brutus, thou sleepest," and "Thou art not Brutus."
Cassius Dio
Brutus knew. Cassius knew. Caesar knew. You can’t escape your legacy when you’re the one who stamped it on coins.
Caesar turned Brutus into the dagger that would cut, and Brutus himself isn’t free from this injury. It’s a mutual betrayal, a mutual dooming.
By this time Caesar found himself being attacked from every side, and as he glanced around to see if he could force a way through his attackers, he saw Brutus closing in upon him with his dagger drawn. At this he let go of Casca’s hand which he had seized, muffled up his head in his robe, and yielded up his body to his murderers’ blows. Then the conspirators flung themselves upon him with such a frenzy of violence, as they hacked away with their daggers, that they even wounded one another. Brutus received a stab in the hand as he tried to play his part in the slaughter, and every one of them was drenched in blood.
Plutarch
For Antony, Caesar is a bad sign.
Brutus and Antony are fucked over by the generation they were born in, etc etc the cannibalization of Rome on itself, the Third Servile War was the match to the gasoline already on the streets of Rome, the last generation of Romans etc etc etc. They are counterparts to each other, displaced representatives of a time already gone by the time they were alive.
Rome spends its years in a state of civil war after civil war, political upheaval, and death. Neither Brutus or Antony will ever really know stability, as instability is hallmark of the times. Both of them are at something of a disadvantage, although Brutus has what Antony does not, and what Brutus has is what let’s him create his own career. Until Caesar, Brutus is owned by no one.
This is not the case for Antony.
You can track Antony’s life by who he’s attached to. Very rarely is he ever truly a man unto himself, there is always someone nearby.
In his youth, it is said, Antony gave promise of a brilliant future, but then he became a close friend of Curio and this association seems to have fallen like a blight upon his career. Curio was a man who had become wholly enslaved to the demands of pleasure, and in order to make Antony more pliable to his will, he plunged him into a life of drinking bouts, love-affairs, and reckless spending. The consequence was that Antony quickly ran up debts of an enormous size for so young a man, the sum involved being two hundred and fifty talents. Curio provided security for the whole of this amount, but his father heard of it and forbade Antony his house. Antony then attached himself for a short while to Clodius, the most notorious of all the demagogues of his time for his lawlessness and loose-living, and took part in the campaigns of violence which at that time were throwing political affairs at Rome into chaos.
Plutarch
(although, in contrast to Brutus, we rarely lose sight of Antony. As a person, we can see him with a kind of clarity, if one looks a little bit past the Augustan propaganda. He is, at all times, human.)
Antony being figuratively or literally attached to a person starts early, and continues politically. While Brutus has enough privilege to brute force his way into politics despite Cicero’s lamentation of a promising life being thrown off course, Antony will instead follow a different career path that echoes in his personal life and defines his relationships.
Whereas some young men often attached or indebted themselves to a patron or a military leader at the beginning of their political lives,
Kathryn Tempest, Brutus the Noble Conspirator
+
3. During his stay in Greece he was invited by Gabinius, a man of consular rank, to accompany the Roman force which was about to sail for Syria. Antony declined to join him in a private capacity, but when he was offered the command of the cavalry he agreed to serve in the campaign.
Plutarch
To take it a step further, it even defines how he’s perceived today looking back: it’s never just Antony, it’s always Antony and---
It can be read as someone being taken advantage of, in places, survival in others, especially in Antony's early life. Other times, it appears like Antony himself is the one who manipulates things to his favor, casting aside people and realigning himself back to an advantage.
or when he saw an opportunity for faster advancement, he was willing to place the blame on a convenient scapegoat or to disregard previous loyalties, however important they had been. His desertion of Fulvia's memory in 40, and, much later, of Lepidus, Sextus Pompey, and Octavia, produced significant political gains. This characteristic, which Caesar discovered to his cost in 47, gives the sharp edge to Antony's personality which Syme's portrait lacks, especially when he attributes Antony's actions to a 'sentiment of loyalty' or describes him as a 'frank and chivalrous soldier'. In this context, one wonders what became of Fadia.19
Kathryn E Welch , Antony, Fulvia, and the Ghost of Clodius in 47 B.C.
Caesar inherits Antony, and like Brutus, locks him in for a doomed ending.
The way Caesar writes about Antony smacks of someone viewing another person as something more akin to a dog, and it carries over until it’s bitter conclusion.
Caesar benefits from Antony immensely. The people love Antony, the military loves Antony. He’s charming, he’s self aware, he’s good at what he does. Above all of that, he has political ambitions of a similar passion as Brutus.
Antony drew some political benefit from his genial personality. Even Cicero, who from at least 49 did not like him,15 was prepared to regard some of his earlier misdemeanours as harmless.16 Bluff good humour, moderate intelligence, at least a passing interest in literature, and an ability to be the life and soul of a social gathering all contributed to make him a charming companion and to bind many important people to him. He had a lieutenant's ability to follow orders and a willingness to listen to advice, even (one might say especially) from intelligent women.17 These attributes made Antony able to handle some situations very well."1
There was a more important side to his personality, however, which contributed to his political survival. Antony was ruthless in his quest for pre-eminence
Kathryn E Welch , Antony, Fulvia, and the Ghost of Clodius in 477 B.C.
None of this matters, because after all Antony does for Caesar
Plutarch's comment that Curio brought Antony into Caesar's camp is surely mistaken.59 Anthony had been serving as Caesar's officer from perhaps as early as 53, after his return from Syria.60 He is described as legatus in late 52,61 and was later well known as Caesar's quaestor.62 It is more likely that the reverse of the statement is true, that Antony assisted in bringing Curio over to Caesar. If this were so, then he performed a signal service for Caesar, for gaining Curio meant attaching Fulvia, who provided direct access to the Clodian clientela in the city. Such valuable political connections served to increase Antony's standing with Caesar, and to set him apart from other officers in his army.63
Kathryn E Welch , Antony, Fulvia, and the Ghost of Clodius in 477 B.C.
Caesar still, for whatever reasons, fucks over Antony spectacularly with the will. Loyalty is repaid with dismissal, and it will bury the Republic for good.
It’s not enough for Caesar to screw him over just once, it becomes generational and ugly. Caesar lives on through Octavian: it becomes Octavian’s brand, his motif, propaganda wielded like a knife. Octavian, thanks to Caesar, will bring Antony to his bitter conclusion
And for my "bitter" conclusion, I’ll sign off by saying that there are actual scholars on Antony who are more well versed than I am who can go into depth about the Caesar-Octavian-Antony dynamic (and how it played out with Caligula) better than I can, and scholarship on Brutus consists mostly of looking at an outline of a man and trying to guess what the inside was like.
At the end of the day, Caesar was the instigator, active manipulator, and catalyst for the final act of the Republic.
I hope that this was at least entertaining to read!
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zukoshotleafjuice · 4 years
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Ok so I also found out that Iroh II was 36-40 last week and I was SHOOK but have now come to love and accept it because it means that him and his sister (who I refuse to believe is that much younger than him) were the only grandkids for a WHILE which meant that they had the undivided attention of a whole hoard of aunties and uncles and the chance to have an actual connection with Aang and Sokka before they died and got to go on adventures with Zuko before he got too old
But now I’m super intrigued about that dynamic of Iroh having a bigger age gap with the other grandkids than with their parents and having Zuko parade him around all smug that he’s the only one with grandkids until Bataar jr comes along like 15 years later and running off to join the UF bc he’s been listening to Uncle Bumi’s stories and having Lin still call him kid and Kya still pinch his cheeks even tho he’s ‘nearly 40 and also outranks you’ bc ‘idc if you’re a General, we babysat you’
this has,,,,immaculate vibes. I love it. Also yeah Iroh is 36 in Book 1 and 40 by Book 4 (not 40 and 44 like I’d thought earlier) which does actually make some sense. him being the first grandkid and the baby of the group is also really freaking adorable, i cannot. you have definitely made some points in favour of Iroh being in his late 30s/40
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ofmythsandmadness · 3 years
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prompts & requests.
SO...I never meant to delay this for so long, I’m so sorry for this, but I’m excited to rejuvenate this page -- I’m quite bad with tumblr, but I just hit 350 followers and I figured I’d put in a second dime for trying to make this little account work. People seem to like my little writings (which surprises me tbh, but I appreciate the love) and I’ve gotten a lot of questions about requests, so here’s the masterpost of all that for here!
PLEASE NOTE: I don’t use Tumblr too regularly, I’m trying to be more active but because of life & stuff, I’m not always active to write. Plus, just because you request something, doesn’t mean I will automatically be able to give that! It takes time, inspiration, and often the ability to form a sentence, which weirdly I struggle with. Way too often.
ALSO! please feel free to check out the kofi link in my bio (can’t link it here bc tumblr doesn’t like links and this won’t show up at all) and buy me a coffee if you feel like it! please don’t if you can’t and i’m not trying to force, guilt or forcibly nudge anyone to do it, it’s just if you can and want to support me, that’d be real sweet. :)
WHO I WRITE FOR...most people look at this acc for tua writings, which i’ve got an abundance of! I’m quite fine with any requests of any characters, except for five (unless like it’s some aged up version of him; I don’t feel comfy writing about him and I just don’t care to). I also will write for a lot of other fandoms if you ask for them: those including marvel, stranger things (those of age, i’m not writing stories about minors), harry potter and a couple others. Just ask me, I’ll let you know if I write for the fandom & we can move from there, darling. :)
HOW TO REQUEST...I prefer not too many details in a request, just so I still feel inspired to write the piece. So, if you’re asking based on a prompt below, tell me the number(s), the character you’re looking for, and any details you feel necessary to add! Remember, nothing too specific, like don’t give me the entire plot but things like genre, atmosphere, details on the reader are okay. I usually write either genderless or female reader (I try to stick with the former to be accommodating) but you can ask for a specifically gender-neutral or female/male reader too. This also applies to fics you want garnered to a specific section of the LGBTQIA+ community (for example, if you wanted a lesbian reader with Vanya Hargreeves). I try not to add any details to appearance to the story so that everyone can enjoy the fic, but again you can ask for any specific and I will try my best to accomodate for you lovelies.
REQUEST EXAMPLE - “Can you write something with prompt number 3 and 17? Preferably with a gender-neutral reader, and with Allison Hargreeves? I’d like it to be a happy fic, please, and for the reader to not have any powers. Also, they’re a cat person! Thanks!”
Obviously, I know most people know what’s up and are respectful. But just in case you wanted an example, there you go. :)
PROMPTS LIST
(these were made by me and to my knowledge, they’re not used elsewhere, only some were taken off my last requests list. also, feel free to mix + match and ask for as many as you want)
Quote Based Prompts:
1. ‘I think I’m falling for you,’ clumsy character. 2. ‘C’mon, this is definitely safe!’ 3. ‘Do you believe in ghosts?’ + ‘Why, is there something you want to tell me?’ 4. ‘Shut up about your black coffee aesthetic and try my (insert here) drink.’ 5. ‘I’m only asking for a hug because I forgot my coat and you’re like a human furnace...don’t get any ideas.’ 6. ‘Just five more minutes.’ 7. ‘And you’re sure this isn’t illegal?’ 8. ‘Wanna go get married?’ 9. ‘I love you” “don’t lie to me’ 10. ‘I hate you’ + ‘no, you don’t.’ 11. ‘let’s dance to taylor swift and forget about reality for a moment, please.’ 12. ‘why don’t you trust me?’ 13. ‘promise me, we’ll make it out of this alive.’ 14. ‘we can’t just pushing each other away and expecting things are going to change.’ 15. ‘why are you helping me?’ 16. ‘tell me a secret.’ 17. ‘you can’t friend-zone me, we’re married!’ 18. ‘is this the end?’ 19. ‘I let you win.’ 20. ‘go away’ + ‘no, not until I know you’re okay’ 21. ‘we were supposed to be forever.’ 22. ‘nothing’s fair in love and war.’ 23. ‘I want to be here for the good and the bad.’ 24. ‘So...what happened this time?’ 25. ‘I just really wanted to see you.’ 26. ‘Uh, that’s the whole point?!’ 27. ‘You cut your hair?’ + ‘I just needed a change.’ 28. ‘I can’t lose you too, dammit!’ 29. ‘Don’t lie, you’re a hopeless romantic at heart.’ 30. ‘Can we keep it?!’ 31. ‘Why can’t this happen like it does in the movies?!’ 32. ‘Can you come with me? It’s just to get gum, but I don’t want to be alone.’ 33. ‘I made muffins!’ + ‘You can bake?!’ 34. ‘I can’t sleep.’ + ‘We can share.’ 35. ‘It used to be so simple...’ 36. ‘STOP SINGING THAT SONG OR-’ + ‘-or what?’ 37. ‘I just wanted to tell you...you look really nice tonight.’ 38. ‘Ooh, show me, show me!’ 39. ‘I really wish I could paint, because you’re the perfect muse right now.’ 40. ‘Where’d you learn how to do that?’ 41. ‘Hey, it’s okay...you’re safe now.’ 42. ‘Am I in heaven?’ + ‘Aw, you think I’m your idea of heaven?’ 43. ‘I’m not crying!’ + ‘Oh, so it’s normal for your eyes to leak like that?’ 44. ‘Why wouldn’t you tell me that sooner?!’ 45. ‘What do you think of kids?’ 46. ‘Do you think I’m a good person?’ 47. ‘Don’t look down.’ + ‘You’re only telling me that now?!’ 48. ‘It’s okay...it’s going to be okay...’ 49. ‘I didn’t think it would hurt so much to do this.’ 50. ‘Nerd.’ + ‘Loser.’ 51. ‘Wait, you actually came?’ 52. ‘You didn’t notice the one bed before?!’ + ‘It didn’t say on the website!’ 53. ‘I’m in the hospital, but don’t worry--’ + ‘Don’t worry?!’ 54. ‘Yeah, I was jealous. So what?’ 55. ‘Did you know you talk when you sleep?’ 56. ‘Of course I kept it. Why wouldn’t I?’ 57. ‘I can’t get you out of my head...’ 58. ‘I made you it because I love you, duh.’ 59. ‘I trust you.’ 60. ‘How am I supposed to trust you?!’ 61. ‘You have to start getting better excuses.’ 62. ‘I think they like you!’ 63. ‘I swear if you sing baby it’s cold outside ONE MORE TIME--’ 64. ‘You’re telling me you don’t know all the words to Promiscuous? Who are you?!’ 65. ‘I only went along with it for your sake, you know I hate (insert here).’ 66. ‘Hold my hand but only so we don’t get lost. I don’t need you getting any ideas about us.’ 67. ‘Loosen up, jackass, and give in to evil a little more!’ 68. ‘You didn’t respond to any of my texts, so I assumed you were either dying or crying. I brought answers to both situations.’ 69. ‘That’s it. I’m officially convinced that you’re actually three years old.’
Situation Based Prompts: 1. Person A refuses to dress for the cold and gets sick; Person B is stuck taking care of them afterwards. 2. Person A finds a stray and wants to take it home, but Person B isn’t so interested. 3. Coffee Shop AU; Person A shows up every Saturday to work, and Person B becomes infatuated with the mysterious person. 4. Person A wants to watch a scary movie. Person B accepts, too chicken to admit they’re terrified of horror movies. 5. Person A falls asleep, and Person B plays with their hair. 6. Person A and B wake up hungover and realise that they got married last night. 7. ‘Oh...you love them’, where Person A realises that their real feelings for Person B. 8. Person A is a Christmas enthusiast, but Person B hates the holiday season. 9. (School Based Prompt); Person A doesn’t know how to talk to Person B, and decides to pretend to need help in a subject they definitely don’t need help with. 10. Person A decides to confess their feelings to Person B through a series of anonymous gifts...only they aren’t who B suspects behind it all... 11. Person A and B have a Catwoman/Batman type relationship, dancing around one another and ignoring their obvious feelings. 12. Younger!Person A and B shared their first kiss with each other -- not because of feelings, JUST to get it over with. It never meant anything, right? 13. There’s only a little bit of time left for Person A...will they make it to B, in time? 14. (Flower Shop AU) Person A comes in every day to purchase the same single flower every time, and Person B has no clue why. 15. (Villain/Hero AU) Person A goes home to find B in their bed, bleeding and fast asleep. 16. Person A has a fear of driving. Person B finally asks why. 17. (School Based AU) Person A and B get paired together to complete a project worth a lot of their grade. The only problem? They hate each other. 18. (Coffee Shop AU) Person A comes in every day with a different name and sunglasses on, ordering the same thing every time. And Person B is obsessed. 19. Person A has a hard day at work. Person B doesn’t know what they should do to help. 20. Person A finally finds out about Person B’s big secret -- only, it doesn’t come from Person B. 21. Person A is the most oblivious person in the world. Person B is slowly losing their mind over it. 22. Everyone thinks that Person A and C are meant to be together, and it’s only A and B who really, really don’t see it. 23. And they were roommates (oh my god, they were roommates...) 24. Person A’s roommate’s boyfriend is over again, and they escape to Person B’s for peace of mind. 25. Person A finds a random bag and is determined to return it to the owner -- only, all the clues she has for who the person really is, is in the contents of the bag. 26. (Party Based Prompt) Person A and B really, really didn’t want to go to the party. But maybe meeting one another makes it worth it. 27. Person A and B go laser-tagging for some stress relief. 28. There’s a Halloween party and neither A or B knows who the other is going as. But the (insert costume) standing in the corner is looking rather suspicious... 29. (Apocalypse AU) Person A and B have been struggling for months alone, and finally reach something that gives them hope.  30. Person A and B both head to the roof for some escape. They definitely didn’t expect to see someone in their special place... 31. Person A works really late shifts downtown; Person B always makes sure they’re there to give them a ride, no matter how inconvenient it is. 32. Person A forgets about changing their emergency contact, and this backfires when they end up in the hospital... 33. (Soulmate AU) In a world where people don’t age past 21 until they meet their soulmate, Person A is surprised to learn that the partner they’ve been with for four years hasn’t aged a day -- but they have. 34. (Airport AU) Everything shuts down in a last-minute snowstorm, leaving two strangers stranded. 35. (School AU) Everyone ships Teacher A and B together, and scheme to finally set them up. 36. Person A and B ride the train together every day. 37. (Doctor AU) Person A has to take Person C to the doctors. Much to both surprise, Person A falls quickly for the Doctor who comes in (Person B) -- and Person C takes it upon themselves to let B know. 38. (Neighbours AU) Person A is tired of hearing Person B being so loud so late at night -- especially when they have to get up super early. They finally decide to confront them on it. 39. (Soulmate AU) Everyone has the same cuts, bruises and scars as their soulmate, which really freaks out Person A, who becomes determined to find their soulmate to make them stop getting hurt. 40. Person A and B are hiding their relationship from everyone. They’re not very good at it. 41. Person A finally trusts Person B to meet their (insert here); the last step in their relationship. 42. Person A sends their text to the LAST person they wanted to send it to: Person B. 43. (Delivery Person AU) Person A somehow always manages to be the one to sign for the office packages...does Person B have anything to do with it? (Also, why does A keep buying so much stuff?!) 44. (Arranged Marriage) Person A is being forced into a marriage to Person C neither they or Person B wants. But B might just have a plan out... 45. (Bodyguard AU) Person A always knew that Person C was rich, but never rich enough to need a legit bodyguard. But when C’s father’s company is threatened, they call in the big dogs -- and they’re cute, too. Aka...A makes a point to catch the attention of Person B at any time possible, much to their upset. 46. (University AU) Person A needs a model. Person B needs a way to occupy their afternoon. Thus, a deal is struck. 47. Person A is a private detective hired to work the case on a mysterious murder (that strangely, Person C doesn’t want getting out). Person B is C’s lead suspect, but A can’t help but feel like they’re not the real culprit... 48. Person A drags Person B along onto a roadtrip across the country to go visit their oddball grandparents. But things go south quickly. 49. Person A gets robbed, and has no one to call when they can’t shake the nightmares but Person B. 50. Person A can manipulate time, but only by an hour. Person B doesn’t know this, but gets suspicious when they see A do something very, very weird... (you can supply more details for this one) 51. (Neighbours AU) Person A and B have the thinnest walls ever, which would suck, but they both oddly have the exact same taste in music. It’s nice; if only they got to meet. 52. (Store AU) Person A and B get locked into their work’s freezer for the night. 53. (Coffee Shop AU) Person B has never met Person A; they always miss them by only a minute. They do, however, manage to sit at the exact same table every day and pick up the piece of art they leave for the next customer. 54. Person A has loved Person B their entire life. Too bad they’ll never get to tell them. 55. (Diner AU) Person A meets Person B at three in the morning when they stumble in soaked. They’re surprised, when they show up again...and again...at the exact same time. 56. (5+1) Five times Person A told Person B they loved them, and the one time Person B finally said it back. 57. (5+1) The five times Person A surprises Person B, and the one time Person B surprises A. 58. (5+1) The five times Person A broke Person B’s heart, and the one time they didn’t.  59. (5+1) The five times Person A saved Person B...and the one time Person B couldn’t save A. 60. (5+1) The five times A and B almost meet, and the first time they finally do. 61. (5+1) The five times Person A lies to Person B, and the one time they finally tell the truth. 62. Person B is like, super allergic to dogs. But Person A doesn’t need to know that. 63. Person A has no clue how to tell Person B how they feel. So, they make a playlist. 64. Person A and B accidentally switch luggage at the airport.
Happy requesting, darlings.
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eyooo!! i listened to firesorrow girl [TUMBLR | SOUNDCLOUD] by @gerrydelano and HAD A MIGHTY NEED (to also analyze this)
disclaimer: I have only listened to TMA through one (1), read it ONE time, so if you read something that seems wrong it probably is because my memory is not The Best (the seasons are 40 eps long and 30 mins each, Jonny why) and I’m probably straight-up not remembering or misremembering some aspect or detail about a character/a relationship/a part of their narrative
(and before you say it, i absolutely CANNOT just go relisten to an ep out of order. my nd brain Will Not Let Me until i have listened thru all 4 seasons, In Order, several times)
ALSO: i speak very definitively here, but it doesn’t mean i’m right abt my analysis
italics and bold are lyrics, normal is analysis. if there’s a way i can make this more accessible, lmk!
analysis under cut
little girl tries sleeping in the fireplace at home no one banished her inside it, she just lay down on her own she stares up into the darkness of the chimney and she hopes that someday she may go up in smoke this makes me think abt hilltop road first and foremost (but i have a feeling i’m missing something aljlkdjf) this is also the first hint to agnes’s wavering thoughts abt her being “the chosen one” for the lightless flame she’s already wishing she could burn, or in other words be normal
oh, the ends of her hair curl into embers in the wood beneath her head like a pillow, splintered shoulders in the soot flickers turn to flame and moves in kisses up her arms it loves her, so refuses her a scar i really like the imagery here bc, aside from the splinters, it evokes a softness embers are pretty, pillows are soft, “moves in kisses up her arms” really evokes a gentle intimacy, even before the line “it loves her” but then the last line really solidifies agnes’s relationship with fire--she wishes it would burn her but it loves her too much to do that, so she doesn’t
she doesn't burn oh, she learns again, reinforcing the motif agnes’s relationship with fire--the layers of 1) her not wanting this but 2) the first doesn’t care and loves her anyway i also see it as foreshadowing, or at least leading up to what she learns (put a pin in this)
pretty girl sits quiet in the coffee shop alone staring empty out the window like she used to do at home she feels his eyes fall down upon her from the counter, like a doe the ache of yearning blisters in her bones jack barnabas! hilltop road the use of doe, evokes the visual of “wide eyes,” which, in turn, evokes naivety--jack doesn’t know who agnes is, what she is, or that she could hurt him, even if she didn’t want to love, love, LOVE the fire motif here and used throughout the song--using fire metaphors bc it’s so fitting (put a pin in this)
he follows her up to the hill where water never works to send him down she broke his crown and blessed him with a curse her only kiss a smear of kerosene, a desperation unrehearsed and love made sure to let her know it hurts (love made sure it hurt) this only hit me like after the 5th time listening in a row, but LISTEN, “jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.” i think it could also mean hilltop road, but i do think the stronger theme lies in that nursery rhyme. his name is jack and then to solidify that, “to send him down she broke his crown” vs. “jack fell down and broke his crown” i really love the contradiction of “blessed him with a curse” *ben from parks and rec voice* it’s about the layers. so listen, love is often seen as a blessing. but coming from agnes it’s a curse bc she burns anyone she touches. this is also in reference to her momentarily transferring her curse (the love from the lightless flame/fire) to him through her kiss “smear of kerosene”--another way of using a metaphor that evokes images of fire, and I LOVE IT “a desperation unrehearsed” MORE LAYERS YO. she knows what her touch will do to him but she’s so desperate to feel normal for even a second, she kisses him anyway “and love made sure to let her know it hurts”--going back to her curse, the love from fire/flame, and the destruction is causes bc of this. it could also be representative of how love can be very destructive. ppl often describe “the fires of passion” or passion as being like fire/hot *eyes emoji* i think the addition of “love made sure it hurt” could also communicate how the fire’s love for agnes is possessive--she cannot be normal or human or have any other relationship except with the lightless flame
he burns oh, she learns a parallel to “she doesn’t burn”--the striking difference between her and jack (the lightless flame and the rest of the world) what she learns here, tho, is also a parallel between what she learns at the beginning of the song there she is learning abt herself, here is is learning about everyone else
learns that breathing screamsmoke blackens hearts as much as lungs a heart motif, representative of love another fire-related metaphor that breathing in smoke doesn’t just fill your lungs with soot, but also covers the heart (love) in soot, as well a toxic love, as soot is bad for lungs and hearts it can’t be coughed back out and she can’t glisten like the sun using fire-related metaphors--the soot in her lungs and on her heart cannot be “cleaned” or cleared from her body with the body’s natural reaction to something obstructing breathing, which is coughing listen, i’ve said this before AND YOU’LL HEAR IT AGAIN: i really love “she can’t glisten like the sun” bc the whole point of fire, as the lightless flame sees it, is what the fear is named for: desolation. BUT fire is ultimately a neutral thing. if you respect and carefully control it, it can give warmth and life--like the sun (tho you can’t control the sun lmao). so there are positive aspects to. but not for agnes, given her upbringing and literally how she was conceived there’s no one left to save with love and no one she can touch affection is the pyre built on wildfire in the brush reinforcing her being unable to connect with normal humans bc of who she is ALSO i’m pretty sure this is referencing the bonfire she was born in--the ritual that made her the lightless flame’s messiah also, also, the use of the word “affection” uses the theme that fire itself love agnes, in it’s own, twisted way
her hands were only ever made to press through burning flesh and boiling tears won’t put it out but scald it like the rest referencing her birth again--that she was made to be this messiah for the lightless flame, for their ritual to remake the world through the lens of the desolation also more fire-related metaphors that i am IN LOVE with ugh, and, okay “boiling tears” communicates what agnes is feeling again--that she Does Not want to be their messiah, she just wants to be normal. she doesn’t want what the fire has given her but even her tears burn bc that’s what she is, what she was made for and the love of waxen women makes no difference in the end if never she can make and keep a simple human friend reference to jude, specifically, but other members of the lightless flame, as well. from what i remember, they all loved her but in the way that the fire loves her: possessive and toxic (like soot in the lungs) and then the reinforcement that she’s not human and cannot have the connection with humans she desperately craves, even if it’s just a tiny sliver
she can’t burn oh, she’s learned YO the difference between “she doesn’t burn” and “she can’t burn”--there’s a passiveness to it in the first line, but it’s more active in the second. here me out: as i said before, the “learn” lines communicate the inner thoughts of what agnes is thinking, the revelations she makes as he grows and lives. so “she doesn’t burn” communicates her learning and get used to the fact that fire doesn’t hurt her. versus “she can’t burn” communicates her knowing and accepting that the fire doesn’t hurt her, but she can hurt others with that very same fire. lowkey it’s so hard to articulate this difference, but this is the best my brain came up, hope it makes sense
YOOOO GIVE ME A MOMENT THIS NEXT PART IS MY FAVORITE PART
firesorrow girl says, “hang me up; i’d like to go” (i would like to go) referencing her death--her realizing that bc she’s fallen in love with jack, she can no longer lead the ritual for the lightless flame. but bro, listen, the addition  of “i would like to go” is a direct line to what agnes is thinking and feeling. more than not being able to lead the ritual, she doesn’t want to live like this anymore; doesn’t want to live her life unable to make connections with humans this isn’t quite a chimney she can column up to choke (i choose now to choke) a throwback to the first lines about her lying down in the fireplace and looking up through the chimney ALSO has a double meaning here, reinforced by what agnes is thinking: you can choke on smoke. her death involves literal choking the “i choose now to choke” again is a direct line to what agnes is thinking/feeling BUT ALSO a decision she finally gets to make autonomously the weighted hand upon her waist is chained there like a ghost, (always been a ghost) i know you’re probably tired of hearing but i ain’t gonna stop saying it. I REALLY LOVE THIS LINE. the lyrics say one thing, agnes’s internal thoughts say another bc raymond fielding is a ghost. not just like a ghost. he is one to her. i believe it was distortion helen who said that there was a scar on hilltop road. and we find out later that it’s bc hilltop road belonged to the web and even tho agnes burnt the house down, the web still left a mark on her. part of that mark is fielding, who i assume, was an avatar for the web. and it’s quite literal, as agnes never got rid of his hand he literally is a ghost haunting her bc of this but the rope she wears is woven cold with hope (yearning to be cold) THIS LINE BRO,,, i’m gonna say it I FUCKING LOVE IT. of course, referencing the rope she uses to hang herself BUT LISTEN “woven cold with hope” YOOOO THIS IS TAKING THE FIRE LOVES HER THEME AND TURNING IT ON ITS HEAD COMPLETELY she has been burning with fire this entire song, her body a raging inferno, contained in a body that appears human but hurts anything she touches. BUT AT THE END OF THE SONG WE GET THE COLD fire is often associated with warmth is often associated with hope, right?? but this time bc of the circumstances and what fire means to agnes and the lightless flame, being cold, not burning everyone she touches horribly, is her hope ”yearning to be cold” strengthens that message coldness is also associated with death, and here it’s quite literal but it’s also important to note that it’s also still agnes’s hope. so it’s still a very positive thing, even tho it’s associated with very negative things. bro,,, i gotta go lie down
those who can remember sing her name out like a prayer (i am not your prayer) the lightless flame, of course, bc they are a cult. don’t @ me, i’m right BUT “i am not your prayer”: again, a direct line into agnes’s thoughts. she never wanted, nor asked to be their messiah. she was thrust into the position against her will as she was literally borne in flames. from birth she had this shouldered on her. and she doesn’t want it, even in death the music to it hollow of the truth in her despair (hollow with despair) goes along with the “prayer” for her above: the lightless flame sing and mourn her but they’re not mourning her, not agnes, they’re mourning their messiah, the one who was going to lead them through a ritual that would remake the world. their words ring hollow bc of this. and it hurts even more with “in her despair” bc even in agnes’s despair at not being able to connect with a human, as well as not being able to lead the lightless flame like they wanted her too, they’re only mourning the idea of agnes they’ve created in their minds, not who agnes really was in wickerwind the crackleburn of candles cries for fate (i rewrite my fate) and firesorrow girl may someday be chosen again (firechosen girl, again) i LOVE the use of “wickerwind” and “crackleburn.” no analysis i just love the way they sound okay but the “cries for fate.” i think this has a lot of meanings. one is the fire crying out either about agne’s ultimate fate (having to kill herself or die, anyway) and/or crying out for another to fill her position (putting agnes’s fate onto someone else’s shoulders). another is the lightless flame also crying out for the same reasons. and the third is agnes, herself, crying out about her unfair fate. i think that last one is strengthened by “i rewrite my fate.” a common but powerful theme in many stories of a character defying fate bc it’s unacceptable to them. it’s also wholly contradictory to what the lightless flame wanted and then, of course, the second line strengthens the idea that they’re already looking for another messiah for their ritual
and so the wheel turns ‘round and ‘round
final note abt the music that is probably wrong bc i’m not musically inclined BUT i have been listing to sideways on youtube, who is very musically inclined. and that makes me an expert right? /s anyway, what i wanted to note abt this musical structure is that the beats aren’t the usual 4/4 that most popular songs use these days.
and what that means is that you get gratification ever 4 beats. (sideways describes it way better than i ever could here) this song doesn’t follow that structure (i think lakjlkdjf again, i’m not musically inclined at all) and i think it really adds to the theme of how agnes feels: trapped with this fire burning inside her until she finally chooses freedom (tho i know it’s more complicated than that in-verse).
now whether was was purposeful or not, i have no idea. but still a cool detail i, personally, noticed.
--
again hope it was semi-coherent. as with my other analysis, i just listened to the song and wrote what i was thinking, stream of consciousness
bloodwater ballad analysis | bonus meme i made for these analyses bc it’s funny and i wanted to share
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aqvarius · 4 years
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I hope the rmd mc for kasumi is a bit different cuz she rly be hittin on my last nerve and I don’t think she would rly v✨i✨b✨e with kasumi in her current given state
i’ve decided i need to play matsunaga and cc before getting a better sense of the eicu guys but honestly some of these recent asks feel like my own brain jumped out of my head and started sending me anon asks lmao bc i totally agree. anyway i know it’s a controversial opinion to not like the rmd mc and i’m TRYING to be fair and put aside my bias against her and try to analyse what exactly it is that i don’t like, but yeah i just don’t really find that she has romantic chemistry with the characters (that i’ve read, i.e. takado and hosho). not that anyone ever asked for this, buuuuuut this ask has basically triggered yet another mc rant so stop reading here or get ready and settle down with some popcorn lmao.
DISCLAIMER: this is all just my personal opinion! and i’m sure many of you will disagree with me. please place a “i think/believe/feel” before every claim i make as everything i say here is just my own feeling towards her. i also need to disclaim that i have only properly read takado and hosho’s routes (bc i’m still...mad at sen’s route, and i’ve only made it through one chapter of matsunaga so far) and i understand (and fully subscribe to) the idea that mcs read differently depending on the route as well. and as always, please don’t let my opinions affect your own enjoyment of any characters or titles that you love!
ALSO as i was writing this, i went back and read my previous rant about her and i realised that i’m more or less reiterating the same points i made there but in a (hopefully) more structured and slightly more developed manner whoops. 
so here’s almost 3000 words and a whole bunch of screenshots under the cut because i don’t want to spam everyone’s dashboards with my unprompted Opinions(tm).
so anyway i’ve been thinking it’s a translation/tone thing. when i have the time/energy, i might sit down and really try to analyse the actual language, but just going off my intuition, i think maybe it’s because:
1. sometimes they choose to express something idiomatically and so that tone doesn’t come across as sincere. this isn’t a real example, but let’s think about the difference in tone between “oh no!” and “yikes”. because of modern day vernacular, we kind of associate “yikes” with a sarcastic and judgmental tone, whereas “oh no!” might connote a more genuinely concerned reaction. so sometimes i think that the use of very contemporary vernacular (which, lbr, trends towards a more sarcastic tone in general bc us gen z kids are mean) results in a lack of sincerity which makes the mc come across as a little more callous and less... actually kind and nice? i did get the feeling that hlitf mc has recently swayed towards this sort of tone as well and suspected that they had the same translator (which was confirmed later in a voltage Q&A). i’m definitely #biased but i can forgive this more because we had a good amount of content with her being adorable before the tone switch so i have a pre-established impression of her in my mind. 
by the way, i just want to say that while i do have this critique, i do really admire and respect the voltage translation and localisation team (and am... super indebted to them) and i do think they do fantastic translations generally. 
anyway, i believe this linguistic issue is at least partially responsible for my personal perception of the rmd mc’s personality that i expand on in the succeeding points, but my next point has more to do with the writing and characterisation of the most recent wave of mcs.
2. rmd mc has very few visible vulnerabilities. i think this is one of my biggest qualms with the new title mcs like rmd, destind and mk but i think stories are at their best when you get to see the mc fail and be vulnerable and wallow. the reason why i love certain mcs - particularly the ones whose titles and storylines centre around their careers (hlitf, irresistible mistakes, my last first kiss, scandal, celebrity darling, kiss of revenge, sleepless, otbs, arguably msb, etc.) - is because we get to see them fail and then grow. not only that, but you often get to see the relationship between the mc and the love interest deepen in these moments. but if you have a ‘perfect’ mc, then there’s no room for growth, so plotlines are forced to fall back on drama and trauma on the love interest’s side which... is exactly what rmd and mk do. 
this is not to say that rmd mc doesn’t make mistakes, because she certainly does, but i don’t find that they’re ever genuinely serious mistakes. for example, think about hlitf mc’s repeated mistake in season 1 of going after small crimes without seeing the bigger picture and thus potentially messing up an entire investigation. they allow her that space to mess up and be completely wrong for public safety. then they give her the time to be self-reflective and run away back to nagano really think about what her mistakes are, and where to go from there. she is confronted with humbling failure, and is forced to address issues about her own pride/ego, and matures into someone who has a more nuanced idea about justice. on the other hand, rmd mc never has to (consistently, afaik) go through a genuinely humbling experience, so she her pride/ego/arrogance never gets seriously called into question. maybe this is because the premise of rmd has to do with life and death and they don’t want to make it seem like she’s directly responsible for someone’s death, but hlitf also deals with life and death issues and the mc learns that if she messes up to save one civilian, she may actually be jeopardising the lives of tens or hundreds or more. 
anyway, taking takado’s route as an example, because this was our exposure to her as a character, the most frustrating thing is the way that she tries to lecture takado that he’s wrong about his attitude towards amputations, and never actually has to personally experience the potentially disastrous consequence of putting her ideology into practice. i think i would have enjoyed the route a lot more if she had gone over his head and naively made the decision not to do an amputation and then the person ended up dying or having to have a larger section amputated all because she was like uwu we can’t just cut off people’s limbs without waiting. i think if that situation had happened, we could have seen her actually have to confront her own naiveté and realise that she’s a noob and too idealistic and that reading a lot of medical journals does not translate to having actual field experience and intuition and who is she to question him like that when she knows nothing. she only realises that omg... we may have to consider some things with something called nuance... basically when more of takado’s backstory is revealed.  
(maybe this is because i work in academia so it extra-frustrates me, but omg if i had to one-on-one mentor a student like her, i would genuinely go nuts. she reminds me of some students that some colleagues and i have had where they  “well, actually” at everything you say bc they read some stuff on reddit or twitter that has absolutely not been proven through practical application of, or research conducted through the lens of, their theory. like imagine i told my advisors “despite being experts in [their respective fields] and having written numerous very important books, you’re wrong because i don’t agree but i have never myself conducted proper research to counter that!!”)
basically i wish they treated takado’s route like kaga’s routes (bc lbr takado and kaga are maybe... the same person?). look at the self-reflection here:
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and here:
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she does get down on herself at times, but look at the way that she humbly accepts her mistakes. sometimes she wallows on her mistakes, as anyone would, but look at the way she examines her failures and turns that feeling of inadequacy into motivation to work harder and smarter. 
by the way, these screenshots are from his ms1 and ms2 - so pretty early on - and we get to see her learn from these mistakes because she’s allowed to make them. we also get to learn more about kaga’s strictness and his kindness because of these mistakes.
i don’t know if the whole refusal to allow rmd mc to make significant errors is a response to readers who are like “omg.... why are voltage mcs so weak, why can’t they be perfect women who never get anything wrong” but ANYWAY i just feel like they never confront or address her hubris properly. 
3. following on from point 2, i find her one-dimensional. i’ve mentioned this before in a rant, but i don’t find her to be a very deep character bc to me, she reads as mostly surface level sass. i said: “her dialogue with them often reads as like they put 100 points in “snark” and 0 points in any other personality trait” lmao. so she’s great in one-off screenshots where you can see her bite back with a very screenshottable one-liner, but i find it tiring to have 30 chapters of her just literally running her mouth. because of this constant tone that they keep giving her, i find it really difficult to see any emotional depth in her character. because she’s the perspective character, her internal dialogue is just as, if not more, important as the love interest’s external dialogue in terms of carrying the emotional weight of falling in love, and i just don’t understand how there’s any sense of two people falling in love and getting to know each other when every sentence out of her mouth is just sass. can you imagine you meet someone and you get to know them but never have any genuine conversations bc every line out of your mouth is sarcastic? like your date is opening up and telling you about some difficulties he’s going through (which i’m sure you all know is a very vulnerable and scary thing to do) and instead of being empathetic and kind and understanding, you’re just like “sucks to be you dude”. and instead of saying “you don’t need to carry everything on your shoulders”, you say “you’re STUBBORN and i’m RIGHT”. OF COURSE i’m being kind of hyperbolic here (not even that much tho, see screenshots below) but that’s basically the tone she constantly takes. 
so when takado opens up about the rina thing, instead of being like “oh shit i’ve been judging him all this time and i’m genuinely sorry because i didn’t know a thing about you and yet i’ve been running my mouth”, she says “your head is as hard as a rock ya know?” and then KEEPS GOING. 
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where’s the empathy sis? where is it? i’m looking but i can’t find it.
EVEN TAKADO WAS LIKE “I WAS TRYING TO TALK SERIOUSLY ABOUT IT”
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and then the writers just push off her rudeness as like “it’s okay it’s chill!! takado laughed about it afterwards and it made the issue sound insignificant!!” even tho it’s obviously an extremely traumatic thing? WHY does he even fall in love with her??? i don’t UNDERSTAND alsdkfjs she has NO FEELINGS!! i just want genuinely romantic moments... is that too much to ask... it’s called romance md...
once again, let’s compare that to hlitf mc, when she finds out about kaga’s trauma. literally the FIRST reaction she has is to consider his feelings.
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without even hearing his side of the story, she defends him because she trusts him and immediately empathises with him and the first thing she does is try to understand him and where he’s coming from. 
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later on, when she hears him just dismissing things and playing callous, she actually cries on his behalf, which shocks him because he’s not used to people caring about him:
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isn’t that a MASSIVE difference in reaction to essentially the same character opening up about their trauma? which do you find more conducive to developing emotional intimacy? in my opinion, it’s so much easier to fall in love with someone who supports you and has your back and trusts and believes in you and tries to understand you and can have a genuinely caring conversation with you when you need it. by the way, it’s not like kaga’s mc doesn’t sass him either! they have great bantery chemistry and she shit-talks him ALL THE TIME (a lot of the time under her breath and he’s like HUH? it’s great). 
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and yet... we still actively see her caring about him... instead of being like WHOOPS my tongue slipped, i can’t help that i’m naturally insubordinate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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by the way, i’m not trying to put the onus on female characters/heroines to be caring/empathetic/kind/loving. i’m putting the onus on ALL characters to be caring/empathetic/kind/loving in their own ways if we’re supposed to be convinced that they’re falling in romantic love. sure, kaga’s mc is exceptionally loving but kaga returns that love with his own ALL the time ;~~; anyway i’m gonna stop talking about them for now bc otherwise i would just completely derail and keep going on and on about them. 
anyway, back to takado, i actually find him to be more caring and loving than his mc? i actually genuinely like takado as a character and i think that real life me and him would be great together so i’m like extra offended that he’s with her rather than ME??? i would treat him so much better. 
i consider this lack of emotional depth to actually be a bigger hindrance on my enjoyment of the game than the lack of flaws thing. voltage’s recent wave of mcs with the love choice titles have been trending towards the ‘perfect woman’ type of mc, but while i have some Thoughts(tm) here and there about the other protagonists, none of them strike me as being as hard to get along with as rmd’s mc. so i’ve mentioned my issue with the masukisu mc’s weird moral boundaries (more an overall voltage issue that manifests the most strongly in her character), but i also do find that they don’t let her make big mistakes and they present her as this perfect superwoman figure with no weaknesses which like... unrelatable. but at least her banter is flirty banter and there’s a lot of chemistry there (even if it’s sometimes lacking emotional depth, as in some of kazuomi’s scenes - and that’s not her fault, that’s 100% on kazuomi lol). you can definitely understand why they’re attracted to each other at least, and you can definitely see real, deep love form between her and yuzuru the most. even though the masukisu mc is a ‘perfect woman’, the premise is designed to spark relationship conflict and the writing really helps us understand the emotional turmoil of falling in love with a target because of how much it lets the mc dwell on it. destind too basically has a perfect mc in terms of work/career, but they let her have her very glaring weaknesses and, once again, the premise forces her to address her shortcomings with regards to her idealistic view on soulmates/destiny and explores the head vs heart thing where she has to really examine her emotions and how they potentially come into conflict with her preconceptions of and preoccupation with numerical compatibility. 
thinking about it objectively, i feel like takado’s mc and mlfk ayato’s mc have a couple of similarities in the way that they don’t realise they’re in love for the longest time (although obviously childhood friends to lovers provides a better context for not realising that love - same with my boi natsume), but there’s just something lovable about mlfk’s mc that i don’t see in rmd. without going too deeply into it bc (1) i’m tired and (2) i’ve been going on about this for WAY too long now, i think that comes back to tone or writing (and possibly translation) style. i think at some point, i might actually go and compare the language in the “omg am i in love...?” scenes between takado’s mc, ayato’s mc and natsume’s mc but uh... not tonight haha. 
actually, at some point, i genuinely wondered if rmd mc was aromantic. i really just thought she did not experience romantic attraction because i literally got no sense of it through her internal monologue bc they kept pushing the whole like “i only relate to people’s ~aesthetics~” thing. and then i wondered how they were going to make an aromantic mc fall in romantic love...? because... it’s an otome game? (btw i’m not saying that aro people can’t enjoy otoge, i definitely know people who do! but there’s a big diff between someone playing an otoge vs someone being a character falling in romantic love in an otoge. but please call me out if i’m misunderstanding aromanticism!). anyway, long story short, rmd mc (takado’s especially) falling in love is absolutely unconvincing to me because i find her dialogue - both internal and external - rather unfeeling. 
these three points (1. translation that favours colloquialism over communicating emotional tone; 2. characterisation of a hubristic mc who doesn’t need to overcome significant challenges; 3. lack of emotional depth and empathy/understanding) are basically why i don’t think that she has good romantic chemistry with the love interests in romance md that i’ve read so far. i also have some very petty personal gripes (sekai...........) but they’re not relevant to this particular topic and frankly just... really petty so i don’t want to get into them here.
so anyway, long story short: i agree that i don’t think she would really vibe with kasumi in her current given state. like, they could be friends, maybe.
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almasidaliano · 3 years
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because idk.. i just- i wanna know how to recover from the way he broke me. everything starts there. that’s the root. and i say yanno, it is what it is- and rationalize him and i talk and still i feel this hole this emptiness this longing. always disappointing myself, believing in him. hating myself for doing so when he never believed in me. and he’s here, i guess now.. and it’s better than nothing- or its supposed to be. but they feel the same. so nothings changed. he’s indifferent to whether i stay. he only cares when we’re dead and grief sets in. but pride consumes the grief- hes resistant to growth.
and i keep trying to prove myself.
why am i always having to prove myself? because i came from him & he was supposed to believe in me.
but he didn’t.
and i had moms yanno? but moms resented (still lowkey resents) my brother and i because he left. he was there w my brother tho. we reminded her of the pain it brought her. my mom did it alone but the price of that was her presence. she was always away. like now, i miss my mom. it’s mother days soon and i just wanted to see them. plans have now changed bc of a job, great money tho. i’ll see her for like 30 seconds. and then poof gone again. but it’s for us yanno? so i should be more understanding right? except i feel like i’m 7 again. and 8. and 9. and 10 through fucking 16. and she dryly supported me. tainted my visions with her preferences. everything was for her. and she was the parent who kind of stayed so anything for her. be expendable, dependable, accessible, always. i can please people so well because since birth i’ve been trying to get someone to give my existence approval. worth. and yes it comes from me- but when trying to get there this is the track i follow. so i don’t get far..
i choked down depression and anxiety and trauma- i beat myself just to knock out the demons and i tried to be everything, tried to do everything. (sound like me? lol) the problem? to do that i couldn’t be me. and the more i compromised me the worst i felt. and then i try to be me and i’m liked- but not understood.
i’ve never really been understood.
hell, i’ve never really understood myself. which makes it even harder to express and try to explain to others. but its like i came from you? how could you look at me so blankly, so foreignly? because all i’ve ever wanted was a family. i wanted family dinner and vacations. family homes. i wanted to grow up with some people for decades. i wanted to see my people in the stands cheering for me. i wanted to be held by arms other than my own when i cried at night. someone to discipline me, and guide me not teach me self sufficiency and preservation and then weigh me down w tasks. my mom throws things in faces. she refused to be a statistic . teen mom in new orleans? life’s over - she was gonna be different prove em wrong. and she did. she doing it. however, everything had to seem a way. still, that’s how my mother operates. she specializes in masks. so as her offspring- gotta make her look good support the image and shit. my plan/ dreams/ inspirations - she don’t like how it fit in the picture. so she tries to manipulate and i peep and concede . until i didn’t. and i was belittled chastised and discouraged. discouraged to be me. because no one wants someone like that- because no ones gonna stay or put up with that. because i’m broken and need to be fixed. and i just - i cant understand it.
what about me, makes people opt out of fighting? or trying ? or staying? am i just not something worth fighting for?
my insecurity starts there.
it’s like what did they see in me? or what didn’t they?
she named me diamond- because of the twinkle in my eye. i was so aware- didn’t even cry. super developed smart. quick learner. cute kid people liked me. intelligent athletic hardworking fast learner - stuco- early grad - all the scholarships i obtained - speaking for a donor gala - my literary works. i was president of organizations - great teen of america - gave a sermon - i just wanted to be seen. to finally be worth a moments notice. to finally be intriguing enough to explore and nurture. everybody always say oh you always been independent you self sufficient and i still don’t understand how that equaled, stand alone. i have empathic gifts. literary gifts. my mind is an outlandish tool. she named me after a commodity. something precious and overly valued, something cherished . key word ? THING not a title of a person- but i am a thing. still a commodity indeed. however undervalued abused neglected and disregarded. the irony. it’s like, my mom believes she royalty and i won’t knock it- but that would make me a princess or heiress to a throne type shit. but i’m cinderella and tiana and jasmin and ariel and belle and all of them yanno. except there was/is no magic here- so i wasn’t whisked away- proofed the answer- granted a solution or guide- i didn’t get the every lasting hope sprinkled on my storybook.
so i’m here now.. a princess. who may never become a queen.
however, it’s deeper than that. the reason i can’t believe you love me, or you’ll stay- is because they didn’t. and i’m still fighting for their approval or acceptance . while simultaneously tryna get them to give that to ME .
i just — i see your family right? everyone around me has family. has support has love. a mother’s love. a fathers protection. my little sisters all daddy’s girls.
and then there’s me..
the prototype.
i just think- fathers walk brides down the aisle. for me, i could never fantasize it. it was supposed to be my big brother. all i had, for light? was my siblings. and i have 9 . but i mean denzel and trinity. i was never going to be alone. as long as i had them. and i just knew i always would. i’m dumb close w my other brother ty now and that’s a blessing because he and trin are my hope. my other siblings i love, however i fear i cannot guide and or save. and there’s distance yanno? charley and i click HARD but he won’t talk to me.. no one talks to me..
but losing my brother just yelled - you know nothing. you’re not safe. no one will stay. no one can stay. and i can’t help but feel like its hopeless now. because trinity has always conceded with my mother for easier interaction and denzel and i, were individuals he and i could touch base more. we grew up together saw it all. so like now- trinity has a shifted opinion leaning to back my mom. so i now have that disconnect with her. so sometimes i don’t feel safe in her. my brother ty is a sociopath. who most sincerely doesn’t or rarely and even then very minimally, expresses emotions . he thinks logically and moves in ways to benefit him. he is amazing- he just doesn’t always (most always) have the capability of comforting or offering advice on most common things.
so it’s me. the next up- meant to lead and guide and protect. - except i’m a mess. and no one believes in me anyway.
thanks for listening.
-daliano
2 notes · View notes
oscar-piastri · 5 years
Text
rewrite history [ben hardy x reader]
title: rewrite history
pairing: ben hardy x reader
summary: where ben and the reader have a huge fight because of ben’s career. he wakes up the next day in an unknown apartment, only to realise that his meeting with the reader never happened.
words: +10k (i’m shook)
taglist: @styles-charli
notes: kinda long bc ya know i had to write their whole story and how they met. I also never wrote anything that long so please, forgive me if you get lost because it can be a little bit messy
BECAUSE OF TAGGING ISSUES I AM REPOSTING THIS
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Ever since you were little and watched all those romantic movies, you were dying to meet the right person, the one you’d live happily until the end. And you believed that it could happen to you when your path crossed Ben’s. Meeting Ben in high school was the highlight of your life, it only took an eye contact for you to fall head over heels for this boy, and the feeling was mutual.
You actually met during your junior year of high school. You often stayed a bit late at school to study because you knew you’d be too distracted at home, with the television playing in the background, your phone right next to you. One night, you stayed so you could practice your oral presentation for you history class for the next day. You were walking in the woods, trying to memorize your text by saying it out loud but you couldn’t help but grunt every time you’d mess up at a specific part.
“It was actually better than the previous time” you jumped with surprise when you heard this voice behind your back. You turned around slowly, still panting from the little heart attack you almost had. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare the hell out of you” the boy apologized, smiling.
You looked at him and you felt like his smile was contagious, because you were smiling back at him, completely forgetting about your history presentation for a few minutes when you noticed his beautiful eyes. And it was all it took for you to experience the amazing thing that is a coup de foudre. “It’s okay. I was just too focused on this thing for my own good” you explained, waving the paper in your hands.
“I’m Ben, by the way” he introduced himself, placing his right in front of him.
“Y/N” you replied shaking his hand. Your eyes landed on his sport bag and you couldn’t help but ask him what he was doing.
“Rugby practice. We kind of finished later than usual” you explained, dropping his bag on the ground to sit on the table behind him. “I was on my way home when I heard you speak to yourself, so I came inside” he continued and his words made you blush in embarrassment.
“I was not talking to myself! I was reciting my presentation!” You defended yourself, putting your notes in front of his face, making him laugh.
Ben looked at his watch and put his eyes on you again. “We’ve got twenty minutes before they close the door. Need help?” You couldn’t turn down Ben’s offer, your stress made it impossible to memorize everything so a little help couldn’t hurt.
You spent the last minutes trying to memorize your speech with Ben’s help, until the watchman asked the two of you to leave. You grabbed your stuff and walked with Ben to the school’s door. You eventually thanked him and left to go back home.
You spent that night completely forgetting about your presentation because Ben was the only thing in your mind, and to be honest, it wasn’t a bad thing. It allowed you to forget everything about your stress.
The next day, you successfully presented your history presentation, you knew your text, didn’t stutter, didn’t forget anything and for once in your school life, you were able to spend your presentation without your nose stuck in your notes.
After your day, you decided to find Ben and thank him for his little help that boosted you. You remembered Ben mentioned a rugby practice, so you decided to head towards the sport field, hoping you’d find him. You noticed his silhouette running during his training so you decided to sit on the bleachers to wait until it was over.
About 30 minutes later, Ben and his teammates were grabbing their bags. When Ben looked in your direction, you shyly waved at him and he instantly jogged in your direction.
“I wanted to thank you for yesterday. I don’t know what you did to me, but I slayed my presentation” you giggled before placing the book you were reading back in your bag.
“Yeah, my charm is working great. I’m pretty sure I hypnotised you with my smile and you managed to do great” Ben joked, winking at you. His act made you blush a little, because you could feel your cheeks getting warmer.
“So hum… What can I do, to properly thank you for last night?” You asked Ben with a smile.
Ben was wearing a huge and cheeky smile on his face, not hesitating any seconds before telling you what he wanted. “You can agree to go on a date with me”
You were quite surprised by his demand and you swore that your mouth stayed open while your brain was processing everything, which took a little bit of time. “Uh… Y-yeah. Sure” you eventually managed to speak, but you couldn’t hide the effect Ben had on you, as your cheeks became red for the second time in just a few minutes.
The blond boy couldn’t hide his joy either, as he took his phone out of his bag and handed it to you, so you could give me your phone number. “I’ll text you” Ben promised you before you let him go to the locker room so he could change.
Walking to get outside the field, you received a text from an unknown message and you figured it was Ben. You read his text “How about tomorrow night?” and turned around to find Ben looking at you, right in front of the locker room. You happily texted him right away, saying that you couldn’t wait.
One date, one kiss and you were already head over heels. Your relationship with Ben felt like an evidence and you couldn’t wait to finish high school by his side and see what the future was holding for the two of you. Holding hands in hallways, little kisses before going to different classes, waiting for him at his rugby practice, watching every rugby games, Ben helping you study were your daily routine, and it soon turned you into the most famous couple in your high school.
“So, what do you think? I need your opinion” Ben said, anxiously playing with his fingers.
“I think you should try it!” You replied in all honesty. “It’s worth a shot!” Ben had just told you he wanted to join a drama school. His friends were the one who suggested it, because he needed a new activity, due to the fact that he had to quit rugby. It was a terrible decision for him to make, but he was always suffering from many injuries and it could be dangerous for him if he continued to play. But now, his friends were trying to find a new passion and you couldn’t help but feel excited for Ben.
“Alright love, I trust you for this one” he said before kissing you. And this boy was right to listen to you and his friends.
Plays, famous tv show in England, Hollywood when he got cast to play in the new X-Men movie, Ben achieved all of that with his school. The more he was acting, the more he loved it. When you met Ben, he wanted to become an engineer, after that he saw himself becoming a professional rugby player, but now, the only thing he wanted to be was an actor.
Even though you were still studying, you would still attend event with your boyfriend, to show how proud you were of him and to show him your endless support.
Ben helped you study back in high school and now you were helping him learning his lines for new movie projects. Ben always turned to you for your opinion and advice. Every time he was offered a new acting proposition, you could be sure to spend the night listening to Ben’s doubts, opinions on the role and help him decide whether or not he’d accept it.
You heart would melt every time Ben mentioned you in an interview and you thanked the world every night for putting Ben in your life. It was obvious that Ben and you made the perfect team. You both have come so far and the feeling of pride was always mutual. Your career was nothing next to Ben’s acting career, but you were doing your dream job and this is what made Ben so proud of you. Everything was perfect, just like a dream. Ben was often absent but you still made it work. Your relationship was filled with supporting texts, dance sessions in the kitchen, cute pics. You adopted a dog, you got engaged and were planning the next step: maybe a baby.
But sadly, everything doesn’t stay perfect for too long. Ben was now casted in bigger movies, his fame was rising and his absences were longer and started to hurt more than they did before. Ben wasn’t asking you to attend events with him anymore, saying he didn’t want you to be harassed by fans and paparazzi, it was crazy because it never bothered him before. So you always stayed home, watching him posing with girls, who by the way, were standing way to close to him. It was painful to watch, because after years of being together, you were slowly feeling left out.  Now the kitchen was empty, Ben wasn’t here with you to dance anymore, you took your meals alone in front of the tv because he was barely home, too busy to hang out with his friends. Ben was barely talking about his schedule anymore and you found yourself betting on if he would be home that day or not.
Today was a special day for you, your birthday. You loved this day because Ben would always make his day free of any appointments and any scenes to shoot, just to spend the entire day with you. But today it was completely different, you woke up to an empty space next to you and that set up the mood for the rest of the day. If this happened a year ago, you would have thought that Ben was in the kitchen, making you an awesome breakfast but today, you refused to be fooled by a fantasy, perfectly knowing that Ben wasn’t in the house.
You heart still shattered when you left your room to find the house empty of Ben’s presence. You were still greeted by Frankie but it wasn’t the same. You walked in every single room of this house that now seemed too big for yourself, hoping to find a note from Ben, at least to say where it was, but there was no sign of it. You never felt that lonely on this day you loved this much.
Your ended up spending this day by yourself, with the company of your loyal dog just answering phone calls of your family, wishing you a happy birthday. It was hard for you to swallow your tears, not wanting to let them know about your day turning into a disaster. You friends didn’t bother make plans for you because they all thought you’d spend your day with Ben, you couldn’t blame them for not doing anything because even you thought Ben would be here with you. Every time your phone rang, you hoped it was Ben that was calling you. You left him a few texts because you were getting a little bit worried, but he never replied.
Your heart actually stopped beating when you randomly switched channels and ended up on a random emission where Ben was the guest of the day. Of course you were relieved he was fine, but you were feeling so mad that he was on tv on not with you for your birthday. You were already dialing his agent’s number but what Ben was saying made you stop.
“Yeah, I pretty much owe my career to my friends. They’re the ones that got me to switch into acting. I wasn’t sure at first but they had pretty good arguments” Ben explained to the journalist, that seemed to drink his words like it was water, not even realising that Ben was not saying the entire truth. You were upset to hear that Ben completely erased you from that life changing decision he took years ago with you. He always told you that it was because you thought it was a good idea that he actually did it, and now, he was changing history.
“Well, thank you for giving us some time Ben. But before we finish, I heard you had some big news to tell the world?” the journalist asked her last question and it made you all confused. What news were they talking about?
“Yeah, I guess this is the perfect moment to announce that I got cast in a new big movie. I’m very excited to be a part of this project, it’s gonna be a real challenge for me and I can’t wait to start shooting in a few days” Ben announced, a pure and exciting smile on his face whereas your face was wearing nothing but sadness. You jaw dropped when you fully understood his words and you grabbed the remote in a hurry to turn the tv off. You were left disappointed with a heavy silence that made you hear Ben’s words again and again in your head.
You couldn’t believe that Ben just destroyed your team, by pushing you away from his life, from his project, when you’ve been here with him since his start. He was erasing you from his professional life and you couldn’t help but ask yourself how long until he erase you from his entire life.
You forced yourself to get up and walked to your bedroom. Your mind wasn’t at it but you changed your clothes into your pajamas and climbed into bed, waiting for Ben to eventually come back.
For hours, you kept looking at the white ceiling above you. You didn’t move when you heard the door opening and Frankie barking to welcome her favorite owner. It took Ben a few minutes, that felt like an eternity for him to find his way to your bedroom.
“Are you asleep?” He asked whispering as he walked to his drawers. But you didn’t answer, and you just rolled in bed so your back was facing him. You felt his body in bed and you decided it was time to speak up.
“Do you even still love me?” Your voice broke the silence that was feeling like a terrible pain. You couldn’t look at Ben, and you wished for him to be asleep so he’d never have to answer.
“Of course I love you! Darling, why are you even asking me this dumb question?” Ben replied right away, changing his position so he could sit next to you.
You searched deep for the confidence to confront your fiancé. You turned around to see Ben and you did just like him, you sat on the bed. “You’ve been erasing me from your life, Ben! I can forgive that you don’t mention me for you debut career, but I can’t help but feel useless when I hear that you’re accepting movies without talking about it with me! I thought you always wanted to have my opinions on things. I thought we were a team, in all aspects of our life!” You cried out, letting the pain out of your body.
Ben was a little bit lost and the confusion could be read on his face from miles. “B-but we’re a team, love! Look, I know I haven’t been good to you lately but this movie, I always dreamed of something like that. I couldn’t hesitate” he confessed, trying to reassure you the best he could.
“It’s not just this… Do you know what day we are?” You told him, ready for the possible confrontation.
He seemed to think for a minute and you saw on his face that he remembered because guilt was covering your face “Your birthday…”
“I waited all day for you to come home. But I didn’t know if you were, because I don’t know what are your plans anymore. You just keep me in a blur, guessing what you’re doing” you explained trying to stay calm, but your nerves were driving you crazy and you had to get up. Your fingers landed on your engagement ring and started to twist it as you were speaking.
Ben instinctively moved from his spot to be right in front of you, putting his hands on your fingers “Please don’t take it off” he begged so quietly that it felt like it was just the sound of the wind.
“Trust me, I don’t want to… But I’m not sure I’m happy enough to keep it forever” you confessed, not wanting to lie to Ben.
“How can you even say that?! I’m giving you everything you ever wanted!” Ben argued clenching his jaw, not understanding how you could feel like that
“Yeah, everything but yourself….” You muttered and it drove Ben even more angry
“You know what, let’s not talk about that now. I’ve got an important thing tomorrow” he growled, angrily passing a hand on his blond hair.
“Wow, nice. Just ignore this. Very mature Ben” you sarcastically said, clapping your hands
“Screw it” he hissed before getting out of the bed. He grabbed his clothes and you saw him change in a hurry. You heard his footsteps on the ground and a minute later the door slammed shut, leaving you alone once again.
When you realised he was gone, you tried to bite your lips to avoid the tears from falling but it was completely useless as you became a crying mess. And as painful as it was to do it, you took off the ring and placed it on your nightstand.
Ben on the other hand, was not ready to go to sleep, as he was sitting in the local pub, trying to drown his anger in alcohol. A fight was the last thing he needed and even thought he was thinking about it, he couldn’t understand your point. You’re happy, he’s happy, the perfect couple, just like in high school.
After hours of looking at his empty drink and all the bottle in front of you, he chose to go home, hoping that you wouldn’t be mad anymore. When he got to your bedroom, he saw your sleeping silhouette and he actually smile because you were sleeping peacefully. But his smile disappeared right away when he noticed the ring on the nightstand. He knew that it wasn’t saying that you were splitting up, just that you were pushing back the wedding but it felt like he was being stabbed in the heart over and over again. He eventually collapsed on the ground, with the only wish to talk about it when you’d wake up.
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Ben woke up with the worst headache when his alarm went off. He grunted trying to catch his phone and after struggling for seconds he managed to turn off the alarm, making the silence ease the pain in his head. He got up with difficulty, his legs were feeling too heavy for him.
“Love?” He called out, walking in the room, rubbing his eyes half closed to wake himself up. Ben knew the room by heart but was surprised to hit a wall on his way to the living room. “Shit since when is there a wall here?”
He kept walking, the impact against the wall made him fully awake and he couldn’t hide his panic when he didn’t recognize any of the furnitures. “What is this place?... Oh my god, did I cheat on Y/N?” Ben asked to himself, worrying about what he did or not did while he was drunk the other night.
Ben’s first instinct was to call you, he unlocked his phone in a hurry and looked for your number but there was nothing. The incomprehension was present and it got worse when he realised the lockscreen wasn’t the same. It used to be a picture of you holding Frankie and now it was a picture of him with other people. He did not even recognized who was posing with him on this picture, at least not all of them.
Ben looked around the place, ran into every room of the apartment to find clues and he noticed pictures of him framed and hanging on walls. Everything looked like at was Ben’s place. He eventually found a little dog sleeping on his bed, it wasn’t Frankie but it was still something. He tried to call Joe. He had to call Joe to seek some answers. Maybe it was a prank, maybe it was a bad dream, but one thing was sure, Ben needed answers.
But when he realised Joe was missing from his contact list, he couldn’t help but yell to express his frustration. He noticed on the kitchen table some newspapers and saw that the front page was destined to a huge article about Bohemian Rhapsody. His heart stopped beating again when he realised he wasn’t the actor playing Roger Taylor, he grabbed the sheet of papers and threw them in the nearest trash can. It was all incoherent and he eventually decided to sit on the couch and take deep breath, maybe if he was calming himself, he’d see things more clearly.
He finally opened the laptop in front of him, surprised to find himself tapping the password like he knew it for years. “Rugby0201”, what a dumb password, he’d never pick something so easy. He went on google and searched for his own name. Nothing. No article about him nor his movies, his filmography was absent and only his personal social media accounts were linked. He clicked on his twitter and instagram account; just pictures of him with what seemed to be his friends, tweets about rugby. Not a single picture with Y/N. He then searched for your name and ended up on your accounts. He was surprised to see that you were following each other, even though all your accounts were pretty much empty. Oh, he wasn’t surprised, he knew you weren’t a big fan of exposing your life on the internet. You only opened those accounts because your friends kept asking you to do that. But it still meant that you knew each other in this life.
His mind focused again on the whole situation: it could be a prank from Joe, maybe there’s a secret camera and it’s part of a plan to promote Bohemian Rhapsody? Who was he kidding? No one would go this far just for a single prank. It was time to face the truth: Ben ended up somewhere where you never fell in love, and this explains so many changes. Probably a parallel universe.
Ben closed his eyes, remembering all the good things: how you first met, your first kiss, your first time, when you met his parents and when he met your family, when you adopted Frankie, when you got engaged, just all the happy memories. Ben wanted to cry but no tears came and it made him even more sad and angry at himself.
The sound of the doorbell brought Ben back to reality. He hesitantly walked to the front door and looked through the judas hole. He saw the familiar figure of one of his friend and was glad to see someone he knew. “Great, it’s you!” Ben said, opening the door. He was ready to take this opportunity to ask his friend as many questions as he wanted, to discover who is the Ben from this life.
“Wow, you look terrible! Have you been drinking?” his friend James asked laughing when he noticed the terrible face of Ben. “You could have invited me!”
“Yeah, I feel like I don’t know where I am” he said, trying to laugh at this situation. Ben and his friend sat on the couch, Ben was playing with his hands to distract him from going crazy. He knew this friend back in his real life, but now it was a complete stranger and Ben wasn’t sure he could trust him enough to tell him about what happened to him.
“Okay… Quick question, who am I? Like… What do I do?” Ben blurred out, using this opportunity to get to know himself better.
This question raised confusion in his friend and it started to worry him. “Mate… You okay?” His friend asked.
“Just answer” Ben said raising his voice, forcing his friend to answer this fundamental question.
“You’re an engineer. You wanted to be a professional rugby player but you had to let go of this dream because of injuries. But we still play every week” His friend finally answered, still not sure of Ben’s state. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Uh? Yeah… I got so drunk, it’s messing with my head” Ben faked a laugh, hoping this lie would be a good apology.
“... Okay? Well let’s go. We don’t wanna be late to rugby” Ben’s answer seemed to be a good one because his friend let it go. “And don’t forget, about lunch tonight, it’s for a big occasion” James continued, winking at Ben.
Ben didn’t understood everything but still nodded and acted like everything was fine, not wanting to worry his friend even more. He was dying to ask about you, he wanted to know if his friend knew you too but he didn’t want to sound like a crazy person.
Ben was glad that he could play rugby today. He needed an escape, a place to let his frustration out and the field was the perfect choice. It’s not a lie that he tried to get hurt really bad on his head, just to collapse on the ground and wake up with you next to him, like nothing happen. But as he expected, none of this happened and he just ended up with a worse headache than this morning.
When he got home, he spent a long hour under the shower, his mind quickly got lost in the fog created by the hot water, and the only thing he could think of, was the shower you used to take together, because you wanted to “save the water to save the planet”. The towel wrapped around his waist, he stayed a few minutes watching himself in the mirror, asking how it all got wrong. It has been a crazy day, a living nightmare and he couldn’t wait until that the diner with his friends goes quick so he could just lay back in bed, praying to wake up in his normal life. He didn’t totally wanted to go there, he didn’t know anyone there, his friends were no longer the same he used to know, he was not the same Ben they knew, it would just add more stress to this nightmare. But once again, Ben knew he couldn’t let this opportunity to get answers vanish, so he finally decided to look for nice clothes to wear.
But before going, Ben stopped at the table and grabbed some papers and a pen. It was important for him to write everything about this situation, so on the first paper, he wrote some of his favorite memories with you. On the other one, he rewrote the night where you had the fight that changed it all. He was not done, he wanted to write everything that he could think of, and he decided to write in two different columns, the life of the two different Ben he was. Ben1, the original Ben from his previous life, a notorious actor who married the love of his life. Ben2, an engineer playing rugby with his friends and who did not married the love of his life. If he didn’t want to screw up Ben2’s life, he had to take notes about his life and keep acting like him. He didn’t know how long he’d be trapped here, so taking notes about Ben2 was the most important thing to avoid raising suspicions. The last paper that was on the table was used to write about you. What y/n1 was doing, loved and hated and who y/n2 was. Sadly, the y/n2 column stayed empty but it made Ben more determined to get to the you from this universe, and discover what he needed to do to get his life back.
Ben took off the dumb wall decorations to put those papers on the wall, so he could take a look at them everyday and never forget about those cherished memories. He sighed when the clock showed him that it was time for him to leave. When Ben got to the restaurant address his friend sent him earlier, he noticed that most of his friends were here but couldn’t help to consider them as strangers. Friends for Ben2, but strangers for Ben1. He greeted them all with a fake smile, acted like he knew what he was doing but still used the headache and the many knocks he received at his latest rugby game as an excuse to stay in retreat. His friend was late and Ben was starting to get more and more impatient. He was about to text his friend to ask what was happening when he saw his friend coming through the door.
Ben thought he was hallucinating when he recognized who was escorting his friend. His heart stopped when he realised it was really you, holding hands with his friend, all smiling. Even though you were sitting on the other side of the table, Ben kept looking at you the whole time. God you were beautiful, and he missed this vibrant smile you used to have, the one you used to give him. His heart stopped everytime you kissed his friend because he only wished to be at his place, it was were he belonged.
This night made Ben feel like he’d been tortured over and over again. And the final blow struck Ben right in the heart when he saw James getting down on his knees. Ben understood right away what was happening, because a few years back, Ben did the exact same thing. He saw himself at James’ place, as his friend took the little red box from his pocket and opened it to show the beautiful ring that was inside.
Ben’s blood boiled when he saw the happy tears in your eyes and he wished to be deaf when you said those three letters that made his heart shatter. His knuckles quickly turned white because of how strongly he was holding the cutlery in his hands. He felt like throwing up when he saw you kiss him once again, but this time with the ring around your finger. Ben was dying to get out of here, but it would just make him look like a giant dick who didn’t care about his friend’s happiness and it would affect Ben2’s life. So he stayed and watched the scene, suffering in silence while he had to congratulate the happy couple.
“This is some messed up punishment from the universe because I was a dick who pushed away the love of my life” Ben angrily yelled out loud while slamming the door shut. He was well aware that no one could hear him but he still needed to let his feelings out. He threw his keys on the ground with such a rage that the impact could have made a hole on the ground. It was either the keys or his fist on the walls, thought punching the walls would make him feel way more better.
He angrily grabbed a pencil and wrote on the Y/N2 paper “engaged to someone else”. Just writing those words was a terrible act for Ben, but it wasn’t something he could ignore. He was trapped in this universe, not knowing how to go back and the love of his life wasn’t his anymore.
“How do I get back?” Ben mumbled to himself as he wrote this exact sentence on a new paper. He kept saying this, as he laid on the couch, closing his eyes to focus on this question. He thought about your last fight, the event that started it all and a few minutes, he got up like he had just been it by an illumination.
“That’s it!! I figured it out! I just need to make her love me again and I get back to acting! So I would be following the original timeline and I’ll be able to to back!” He explained to the dog that got into the room a few minute ago, attracted by all the noise Ben was making. Damn, he felt like he was losing his sanity, elaborating dumb and meaningless plans and explaining them to a dog he didn’t know.
The dog was tilting his head to the side, trying to understand the situation but he eventually barked and Ben took that as a positive answer. He was actually glad to have a pet partner, he knew he could rant, yell, cry and tell every doubts without being judged. Speaking of the dog, Ben realised he didn’t know his name and he didn’t noticed a collar around his neck.
“I’m renaming you Joe. It suits you” he said, getting down on one knee to put the dog’s head. “From now on Joe, you’re my confidant.” He said and the dog barked to answer.
Long and painful days had passed since that night, and Ben had made no progress in his desire to go back to his universe. He didn’t see you, didn’t talk to you, nothing. It was just long days at work and small walk in the park with the renamed dog. Adjusting to this life was really tiring and Ben found it harder to elaborate new plans, so his hopes were resting on the first plan he created.
But a surprise visit from his friend James boosted his confidence and gave him ideas.
“Ben, bro, I need your help” his friend told Ben before taking a mouthful of his beer.
“What for?” Ben replied, faking an interest.
“The wedding” Ben squeezed the bottle harder when he heard those words, but he quickly calmed himself to let his friend continue.
“Look, I already have the date for the wedding, the venue is reserved but we’ve got one problem. I need to go away for a few weeks because of work, I was wondering if you could help Y/N organize the wedding?” James asked, crossing his fingers to have a positive answer.
“Mate, I think you’ll have time to help her when you get back”
“The wedding is in two months” James admitted, and it made Ben spir the beer out of his mouth in surprise. “Yeah I know. It’s rushed” James laughed at Ben’s reaction. “But it has to happen for our anniversary, that’s the day we met”
“Wow, uh… Romantic” Ben replied with a fake smile, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart being slowly destroyed.
“I mean… You’re the only one I can trust with that. So, what do you say?” James asked, not noticing the strange behavior from his friend.
And this is how Ben ended up in this coffee place, with you sitting right in front of him with your hands full of wedding magazines and notebooks. He could notice that you were having trouble catching your breath and he couldn’t help but look at the drop of seat discreetly falling from your face because you had just ran to get here on time. One thing the two versions of you had in common, you hated to be late and you were reading to come all sweaty just to be right one time. Ben ordered for you before you came, he picked your favorite drink, well he hoped it still was your favorite in this confusing timeline.
“Sorry again for being late” you apologized once again before taking a sip of your drink. “And thank you for this, how did you know it was my favorite?” you asked, placing your drink on the table, to sort the magazines on the table.
“No worries! And uh… James filled me with some informations. It looks like we’ll be spending some time together, might as well know you better” Ben replied with a lie. Of course, lying was gonna be Ben’s daily routine because it was obvious he couldn’t tell anyone the truth; no one would believe him. The situation was a little bit awkward, no one was talking but you could feel Ben’s gaze on you.
“I thought you were an engineer, since when do you know how to plan a wedding?” You joked, breaking that awkward silence you couldn’t bear.
“Uh because James asked me to help while he’s away. Apparently, I know him better than any of our friends, so I’ll be able to make the right choices for him.” Ben was dying to yell that it was a stupid idea, but he didn’t want to scare you off right away.
“Oh.. That’s nice. I didn’t know you’d help me” You stuttered while browsing through a magazine, not looking at Ben because you weren’t sure of what his reaction would be.
“Why?” Ben asked surprised. Suddenly, a feeling of doubts rushed through his body: what if Ben2 was a jerk to Y/N2 and they didn’t like each other? What if this version of you was rude to Ben2? God, not knowing the complete life of Ben2 was a nightmare for Ben.
“Because we never really talked? I mean.. We both know that we went to high school together, but we never talked back then. The first time we spoke was when James introduced me to his mates in college. It’s too bad, we could have been friends before, instead of being just acquaintance because of a mutual friend.” You confessed, smiling at Ben.
Ben realised that in this universe, he never met you after school when you were studying. The coup de foudre never happened. He couldn’t help but wonder how Ben2 was like in high school, and how it ended for him since everything changed in Ben’s timeline as soon as he met you: you motivated him to get better grades, you helped him study and he helped you train for P.E classes. He wanted to ask you what you used to think of Ben2 back in high school, but he quickly brushed off this idea because you weren’t here for that. The two of you were here to talk wedding, your wedding with James.
“So… Should we get started?” Ben finally suggested and you nodded, unfolding the list of things to do.
Ben came home later this day, completely exhausted from looking at all those magazines. He did it before, and he honestly never thought he’d have to do it again with you but not for his own wedding. But from the few hours he spent with you, he sensed that you weren’t really that different from his original timeline, it was actually a good thing because planning that wedding would be easier because he knew what you’d like or don’t.
This wedding was always in Ben’s mind, whenever he was at work, he’d only think of the next time he’ll see you to pick the tables ornaments or the flowers. The hard part was to make his brain understand that it wasn’t his wedding and that he needed to be prepared to have his heart crushed if his plan doesn’t work, making him watch you marry someone else.
Sitting on his couch, he kept staring at the paper on the wall where he wrote his ultimate goal: “be an actor and win her back”. But the more he was looking at it, the more he felt like it was a dick move; he was trying to steal his friend’s girlfriend. He could explain it, “sorry mate, your girl has to love me so I can go back to my real life, knowing that I would have messed up 3 lives here. Ben2 will see you at rugby next week”. No, it would only make them think that Ben2 is crazy and the consequences could be terrible for ben2’s life.
“Ah Joe, life is not easy” Ben told the dog as he patted his head. “I woke up in someone else’s body, in someone else’s life. Life is hard and it’s making me pay for my mistakes. Trust me, if you have a dog girlfriend or a dog boyfriend- I won’t judge, don’t miss things up” Ben concluded and his felt his dog’s eyes being lost as Joe tilted his head to his side, wondering what Ben was saying.
Days passed and Ben kept meeting with you as much as they could, because James was still away. It might sounds rude, but Ben loved the fact that your fiancé wasn’t in the picture right now because he could spend time with you. He was torn between the feeling of destroying lives and the feeling of getting his life back; sometimes he was ready to risk it all and some other days he just wanted to let you happy with James.
But this time, after meeting you once again, he was ready to put his plan in action.
“Such a Dumb James move” You randomly blurred out, closing the notebook filled with notes and addresses. “Deciding for a wedding date way too soon and leaving me to deal with everything” you sighed, massaging your temple to ease the headache you got after calling dozens of flower shops.
“You have me” Ben replied, smiling, not realising you truly meant what you just said.
“I sometimes wonder if it was a good idea. A wedding” You words raised Ben’s attention and he was showing signs of confusion. “We were doing great before he proposed, but now? Since that night he’s across the world, he left his friend planning his wedding and this dumbass doesn’t even answer the phone” You barked, throwing a pen on the table. “Don’t tell him. Please. He doesn’t know I’m having second doubts.. This conversation needs to stay a secret for now”
“Why?” Ben asked confused. He couldn’t understand the fact that you wanted to keep your doubts away from your fiancé, especially since he was the problem here.
“He’d be so mad! He got it all planned, I mean… I heard he already bought a house for us, before he had to leave. He wanted it to be a surprise for our wedding but his mother told me by accident.” At this point, you couldn’t stop the tears from falling. You were slowly starting to freak out because you just got hit by the fact that everything was happening too fast and you may not be ready to get married. Of course, you’ve been with James for years, and it felt like the right thing to say yes when he proposed. But now, your body was just filled with doubts and you weren’t sure of anything anymore. “It’s just me questioning everything, it happens during a wedding preparation. Don’t worry” You tried to hide your true feelings by faking a laugh while you whipped away your tears. “I’m fine”
Ben saw right away that you were lying, it was something he could always read on your face when you were together. “Y/N, it’s stupid, just tell him how you really feel! If he truly loves you, he’ll understand and he’ll agree to push back the wedding” Ben suggested, but you shook your head no
“He’s not as understanding as you are… Sometimes I wonder if I truly love him...” You confessed, hating yourself for even feeling this. You were feeling awful for being unsure of your feelings after spending almost 10 years with James, and you knew that he’d never understand your situation.
“Don’t make the mistake of saying goodbye to your happiness for someone” Ben simply said before he left you in this coffee place, so you could have all the time you needed to think about what you were feeling. As he walked home, he was getting more and more determined to win you back; he saw that you weren’t fully happy in this relationship and this was the breach he needed to completely start his plan without feeling remorses.
You didn’t call Ben for a few days, you basically answer to nobody’s phone calls. When James finally decided to get back at you, you always ignored him, mostly because you wanted to make him feel forgotten just like he made you feel, but also because you didn’t know how to tell him that you were no longer sure of your feelings. And the fact that you started to spend more time with Ben made you see a better version of him, one that you couldn’t dislike.
Ben, on his side decided to pursue his plan. Every night, after work, he started looking for auditions. He knew he was a good actor, damn even an amazing actor full of talent, so it shouldn’t be too hard for him to see his acting career take a huge step and be back at what he loved; movies. It was pretty bold of him to show up like that without a proper agent and all, but he didn’t care, he was running out of time.
“Wish me luck, Joe. Your old boy Ben should be back if I succeed” Ben announced before leaving his apartment to go to his first audition.
After days of ghosting people, you finally decided to call Ben. Not to ask him to join you to help you pick a dumb wedding stuff, but to let him know that James will be back, and that you were ready to slow things down with him. Ben was surprised when he saw your name on his screen and he questioned himself a few seconds, whereas he should answer or not. He finally picked up his phone right before you hang up.
“Can you come?” you gently asked, trying to hide the relief in your voice that Ben answered.
“Sorry, I have an appointment” Ben replied right away, already beating himself for answering so coldly.
“To where?” You asked back “Sorry, didn’t want to be intrusive” You continued when you didn’t hear Ben say a word.
Ben walked from his kitchen back to his living room, still silent as he sat on his couch like the nervous wreck that he was. “That’s okay” it really was okay, Ben didn't mind telling you stuff, because that’s how it has always been. “It’s for an audition”
“A casting? Does it mean that our dear mr Ben has some acting skills that we didn’t know about?” You said, laughing and teasing Ben over the phone. When Ben heard you smile, he couldn’t stop the smile from appearing on his face. God, he loved that laugh.
“Yeah, to be honest, no one knows about it” Ben explained, but still holding back the real reason of why he made that choice.
“I’m honored to be the first to know! I truly am” You spoke softly on the phone, and Ben could barely hear you
“Yeah, I trust you with that secret information” He laughed and hearing his laugh warmed your heart. It has been so long since you had a random conversation that made your heart feel like that.
“W-Why?” you timidly asked, but still feeling honored that someone you only started to be friends with only a few weeks ago, was trusting you with that, when none of his friends knew about it.
“Because you trusted me before” he said in all honesty and even know he wasn’t in the same room as you, he knew you were blushing and smiling.  “And also because we’re from the same school. Students solidarity” he added that part to bring a funny part to this truthful and emotional moment. And it worked, because at the other side of the phone, he heard you giggle softly. “Anyway, what did you wanted to talk to me about?” He asked, remembering why you called him in the first place.
“Maybe we can meet at our usual wedding planning spot aka the coffee place? Only when you finished your audition though” you suggested, not wanting Ben to feel force to come.
“Alright, I’ll text you when I’ll be out. But not too long, I’m not a famous actor yet, I still have to go to work, only took my morning off.” Ben added, which made you smile again
“Sure! And.. thank you Ben” You said before hanging up.
“I just need to make her happy again… And I know for a fact, she’s not happy with him, she doesn’t act like her true self! She’s hiding behind James, just like she did with me, and I cannot accept it this time. I’m the only one who knows the real her” Ben ranted at his only company; Joe. Ben couldn’t bear to see you unhappy in a relationship. You were both made for each other, and he’ll do anything to get you back and fix his mistakes, because he knows he’s the right man and that you belong together.
“Pushing back the wedding, uh?” Ben asked with a slight smirk. He joined you a few minutes ago and you told him the truth.
“Yeah… James was pissed off but he eventually agreed. Wasn’t easy though, but he said he was ready to wait” You explained, taking a bite of your food.
“Well, I’m happy for you” Ben lied as you showed a weak smile
“Yeah, it looks like your job with me is over. No need to have a rushed wedding anymore” you said faking a put. It felt right to spend time with Ben, you felt like you could be yourself all over again. You were completely overjoyed to discover a new Ben, and you wondered where he had been hiding this aspect of himself.
“What a bummer” He laughed to hide his fear of not being around you anymore. He wasn’t close to his goal but he was still on the good road. He still felt like a douchebag for making your couple break up, but he also knew that you deserved better than James.
“But we can still hang out as friends! Trust me, it’s better than meeting to talk about flowers. It must have been boring for you” You apologized, knowing that not all men like to help organizing weddings, especially weddings that aren’t theirs.
“No don’t worry. I can use some practice if I wanna get married someday” he said laughing a little. It was in fact hurting him, because he kept thinking about the months he spent planning his wedding back in his real life.
“Oh my god, and what a terrible friend I am! How was your audition?” You asked raising your voice, a sign that you were excited and happy to know about it.
Ben explained the process of the audition, the different roles he auditioned for over the weeks and you loved hearing about it. It was such an interesting topic and you were really glad Ben found his way there. He didn’t had a positive answer yet but you promised him that you believe in him and that someday his talent will be revealed to the world. He found this situation funny and it brought nostalgia in his mind, as a similar scene happened many years ago in his reality.
“Keep me updated! I wanna know if I’ll have a famous friend so I can show off” she joked sending Ben a wink and he chuckled at your action. You were both outside, saying goodbye as Ben was the one who ended this moment because he had to leave for work. His eyes were glued to your lips curved into a gorgeous smile, he saw your cheeks blushing and you gaze focused on him. He was battling against himself not to kiss you but you were the one who caved.
You hesitantly pressed your lips against his and you felt Ben smiling, reassured, you drowned your hands in his hair as he cupped your face in his hands. You knew it was wrong, but it felt so much like the right thing when Ben made the kiss more intense. You felt like the whole world stopped around you, and it was just the two of you with some butterflies in your stomach, something you haven’t felt in a long time.
Yet, you were still who pulled away. “I’m sorry” you simply said, twirling the ring James gave you before you left.
Ben stayed without moving, watching you leave. Remembering what just happened put a vibrant smile on his face and he felt his own cheeks blushing. For a minute, he thought that everything was fixed and now that you kissed, he would go to sleep and wake up in the right universe. But then he thought about your apology and it confused him. Did you regret it? It sure felt like you wanted that kiss as much as him, hell, you’re the one who kissed him. But maybe everything wasn’t as good as Ben expected and maybe you weren’t falling in love with him.
But he brushed those thoughts away as he walked back to his workplace. Work wasn’t the best place where he could get lost in his thoughts and in his doubts; he needed to focus if he didn’t want to mess up Ben2’s job as well as his friendship with James.
He was excited to get home, and when he did, he went straight to bed, hoping to fall asleep right away and wake up in his bed next to you. But for you, it was a complete contrast, you spent the night wide awake, looking at your engagement ring and at your fiancé that was peacefully asleep. You kept thinking about that kiss with Ben and how good you felt and it only made you rethink all of your latest decisions once again, sleep was nowhere to be found and you only wished for the sun to rise so you could go to work and put your mind somewhere else.
Ben woke up with his alarm, his eyes opened in an hurry and they closed as soon as he realised that nothing changed. He grabbed the pillow next to him and crashed it against his face to muffle his loud groans. Maybe it didn’t work because you weren’t in love with him? Maybe there was actually no way out of this? Questions were filling his brain but he still decided to stick to his plan. Maybe you weren’t the problem, maybe it’s because he wasn’t an actor yet. Joe joined him in bed and started barking and licking Ben, trying to send him the message that he was hungry and needed some food. Ben’s mind was so focused on you that he forgot the poor dog, loyal friend to Ben2. “Sorry buddy, you’re stuck with me again” he chuckled, perfectly knowing that this poor dog didn’t notice the difference.
Since that kiss, you tried to avoid Ben but you couldn’t stop the weird grimaces on your face every time James mentioned Ben, you almost choke on water pretty often and it made it harder for you to hide your guilt. Tonight was the worse night for you to have the talk with James, it was your anniversary, but you couldn’t live like that anymore.
“What’s wrong, love?” James asked, gently putting his hands on yours, to show you that he was here for you.
“We need to talk” you announced coldly, giving him a sorry look.
Ben was waiting for an important phone call, he went to a lot of castings and today he would finally have an answer for one of them. He was stressed but excited to see if he got the part. His whole plan was based on this and he couldn’t handle the failure. When he heard his ringtone he didn’t bother looking at the name on the screen and he pick up right away
“Hello?” he asked almost out of breath. He was hoping for the usual speech from the casting director but no sound came out on the other side. He only heard what looked to be someone sobbing and he knew right away who was calling him. “Y/N?” he gently asked.
“We fought all night” you blurred out between sobs and Ben sighed.
“Where do you want to meet?” Ben offered, ready to be the shoulder you could cry on. Well if he was completely honest, he was glad this happened because he was one step closer to his goal.
“Thank you…” You muttered before Ben sent you his address so you could come.
It only took you a few minutes for you to get there. To be quite honest, Ben has been waiting behind his front door ever since you hung up and he almost had a heart attack when he heard the doorbell. He didn’t forget to take away everything he put on the wall that was related to you and his plan. When you got inside, he welcomed you with a warm hug and he walked you to the living room where he put some snacks and hot tea on the table, with a few boxes of tissues. You thanked him for the gesture and he was quite proud of himself. The fact that he knew you by heart made it easier for him to prepare everything you needed to feel better. After long minutes of being silent, you noticed that Ben’s eyes were glued to your fingers, and you realised that he saw that the engagement ring was missing.
“I broke up with him this morning” you dropped this information before taking a sip of the tea. Ben’s eyes widened and he tried his best to hide the smile on his face. “He kept being angry at me because I wasn’t ready to get married, he brought that back again and again and I got tired of that. Yesterday we fought because I said I wasn’t sure of my feelings. It lasted all night- didn’t know I could yell at someone for hours” You were just speaking without stopping, you needed to tell Ben everything and how it all happened, and he just listened, not saying anything. “I think at some point I threw the ring at him? And I said we were over”
“Shit, Y/N, I’m so sorry. I kinda feel like it’s my fault” Ben apologized, feeling a little guilty.
“Don’t be” You said smiling, something you didn’t do in a few hours. “You were right, I didn’t want to marry him in the first place. I felt like I owned him something -because he loved me when no one else did, so I kept telling myself that I love him, that I wanted him when I wasn’t feeling anything anymore. I’m not gonna lie, I was putting his needs and happiness first, even if it means making me unhappy for the rest of my life. And he didn’t understand that and he just blamed me for not making this work. He completely ignored and erased the fact that I tried to make it work, for years. Well at least I saw his real face, an egoist jerk” You concluded feeling free of this dead weight that was James. But you didn’t mention to Ben that he was one of the reason why you decided to break up.
You were glad that you became closer to Ben, he made you realise something you tried to bury and he was doing his best to make you happy. You spent a few more hours with him just watching tv, he was careful not to start any subject of conversation that would make you cry and even though he tried to hide it, you knew he ignored James’ calls.
After you left, Ben put all the papers back on his wall and he kept staring at the big letters on one of the papers. “Ben’s mission: make y/n have a happy life with her dream job and a loving boyfriend”. He didn’t care about the consequences now, especially since you broke up with James; he could make you fall in love, and that would make him go back to his real life.
You announcing that you broke things off with James was just the beginning of the ending; later that day, Ben got the call he was expecting. After many auditions, he was offered a job in a promising movie. They praised him for his talent, wondering where he had been hiding for so long and Ben just felt unstoppable now.
Ben and you started to spend more and more time together, and as he started feeling that his succeeded, that he was gonna get his real life back, he realised how wrong it was. You were falling in love with him and Ben was just gonna disappear to let Ben2 come back to a life where you were in love with him while he might not be. It would just make everything worse and after spending hours thinking this through, he decided to stop trying getting his old life back. Mostly because he realised you weren’t happy in his real life, not as much as you are in this universe. And as painful as it was, Ben was ready to let go of his friends, of his acting career to put your happiness first. And to be completely honest, he didn’t hate this life, he loved his job, he loved playing rugby and seeing his friends more but most importantly, he loved seeing you happy.
He knew that by letting his old life go, he was making the right choice because he knew he’d never hurt you like he did. He used to be so unconsciously selfish, putting his needs first, not bothering to keep the love between you two, but now it was over. He had the chance to start over, a chance to put your happiness first and that’s what he did, by staying in this universe where she fell in love a second time. So he decided to turn down the acting job he was offered, because he knew that it was what made him turn away from you and he accepted leaving in this universe, as long as it was by your side.
“Why did you say no? You worked so much on this!” You asked a little bit disappointed in Ben’s decision. You believed in him and you knew he’d be a great actor.
“Because I made that mistake once, Y/N. If I do this, I’ll lose something that is way more important that the spotlight, I’ll lose the love of my life all over again, and trust me, I don’t want to be stuck in this nightmare again” Ben declared, taking your hands in his and holding them tighter. You opened your mouth to say something but no sound came out because confusion took control of everything. “Y/N, you are the love of my life” Ben confessed and you first instinct was to crash your lips against his.
The universe was giving a new chance to Ben but he didn’t understand it first; he thought it could use this opportunity to go back to his life, to retrieve what he used to have but he was wrong; the universe was giving him this chance so he could start a new life, by learning from his mistake.
“What’s wrong, Ben?” You asked your boyfriend as he watched you from the other side of the room.
“Nothing, I just love looking at you” He said with a soft smile.
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Oh, you wanted me to hit you with some? Bet. Do all of them Strawberry
YOBI I LEGIT JUST ASKED SOMEONE THE SAME THING
YOU’RE OMNISCIENT I SWEAR
1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
I have never considered that before now but thanks for that
2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
3 probably, I’m not really scared of the dark most of the time (unless it’s literally pitch black), but every once in a while i get really unnerved bc i get rlly paranoid
3. The person you would never want to meet?
Satan
4. What is your favorite word?
“faith” bc my faith and bc synesthesia
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
uhhh flowering cherry bc at my old house my brothers and I each had a tree that my dad planted for us when we were each born and mine was a flowering cherry
6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
I looked in the mirror this morning?
7. What shirt are you wearing?
coral pink bubba gump shrimp co. t shirt
8. What do you label yourself as?
child of God, daughter of Sappho
9. Bright room or dark room?
bright if we’re talking natural light being let in through my windows, dark if we’re talking just normally bc rlly bright lights mess w my sensory issues
10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
talking to you yobi
11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
this age, I’m a firm believer in that things will always get better, even if only one small thing does improve, when i think back on past years i get anxious and nostalgia isn’t good for me
12. Who told you they loved you last?
@toomanyfanfics that one
13. Your worst enemy?
my mental health tbh
14. What is your current desktop picture?
Tumblr media
15. Do you like someone?
never experienced romantic attraction, i used to have a plush (qp crush) on one of my best irl friends tho (@ blob have fun with this fact)
16. The last song you listened to?
I am listening to Echosmith’s Cool Kids as I am writing this, before that I was listening to Girls by Marina and the Diamonds, which is a hilarious song i 11/10 recommend
17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
myself, I’m not s*icidal but I’m not killing someone else
18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
whoever the person who decided Teen Vogue should endorse child pornography was
19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?
me, I would make myself do actual work for once
20. What is your best physical attribute?
my eyes, i just like them. fun fact this one kid i used to be kinda good friends with was talking with me on snapchat once (bc we did that a lot, back when i had snapchat) and i don’t remember how we got into this but he ended up describing my eyes really weirdly? it was really deep and got kinda strange? it was like a movie scene but via text message and then in the middle of it he was like “wtf am i doing” and i will always remember that (dude if you are for some reason reading this then idek what to say man. sorry). anyone who knows me irl (@ you blob) can take a guess as to who this is
21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
idk the answer to either of those questions tbh
22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
idek man sorry
23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
weed, like i’m genuinely terrified of being in its presence (never been in its presence before), i’ve had nightmares about it
24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
EVERY TIME I GO TO SUBWAY I GET THE SAME THING. BUFFALO CHICKEN, RANCH, AND CHEESE ON ITALIAN HERBS AND CHEESE TOASTED. I WOULD REPLICATE THAT
25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
go to Atlanta and find a homeless person and buy them some clothes and food and some blankets
26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?
CANADA
27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?
first of all why is an angel giving me unlimited alcohol that’s just kinda strange second of all i am a MINOR i am not legally ALLOWED however i will probably just take whatever and give it to some people, someone will like it
28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? 
be kind and do good where you can and if someone wrongs you forgive them
29. What is your favorite expletive?
as;ldkfjasdkgaj;lsdf
30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
my cactus!! she is v important to me
31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
the first thing that comes to mind was really traumatic for me, but it’s what brought me as close as i am to God now so idk that i would get rid of it. idrk man, it really sucked but i’m glad that I’m so much closer to God now
32. You got kicked out of the country for being a [redacted bc even though this is a hypothetical i absolutely would never do this and refuse to acknowledge it even in a hypothetical situation]. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
….Canada?
33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
idk, peeps are in heaven now and i don’t really wanna take that away from them
34. What was your last dream about?
ask God not me
35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?
no
36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
not really, however i have had several surgeries (all on my mouth) so i was in the hospital for those
37. Have you ever built a snowman?
I have built a real, genuine snowman once in my life, and the only proof is a picture i have bc i was so little i can’t even remember it. it doesn’t snow in georgia
38. What is the color of your socks?
ain’t wearing em, however most of mine are gray with some colorful bits
39. What type of music do you like?
I have an eclectic mix of favorites.
40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
sunrises all the way, the afternoon and evening make me anxious but nighttime and dawn and early morning are the best times
41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
vanilla bitch
42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)
UGA i guess bc it’s ga and that’s a safe answer, i don’t really follow sports (i watch baseball sometimes though)
43. Do you have any scars?
oh i’m covered in tiny ones, the most notable being one on my thigh that was on my knee when i first noticed it. to this day i do not know how i got it
44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
gay
45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
i wanna be better about lying
46. Are you reliable?
heh depends, when it comes to knowing random things or being stupid, yes, but when it comes to remembering things, such as dates and times and things? absolutely not
47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
Has it gotten easier?
48. Do you hold grudges?
yes and no
49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
a whelk and a quetzalcoatlus, no i do not accept constructive criticism
50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?
i once spent hours talking to myself about if it is possible for a perfectly fair coin to exist outside of theory
51. Are you a good liar?
I like to think so
52. How long could you go without talking?
Oh I could go a looooooooooooooong time, however i do have my chatterbox days and i am known for not shutting up so it’s really a tossup on that one
53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
when i was 3 my mom put blonde highlights in my hair and it was absolutely absurd
54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
i cannot bake to save my life, however i have made my father cheesecakes for his birthday and they turned out okay so idk
55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
sco-ish
56. What do you like on your toast?
a crap ton of butter
57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
dude in a graduation cap
58. What would be you dream car?
idk whatever’s cheap and works
59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
uhhh not really no
60. Do you believe in aliens?
i mean i don’t think we’re the only life in the entire universe, so yeah (and also they’ve found traces of ancient bacteria on Mars so if you don’t believe then who are you kidding)
61. Do you often read your horoscope?
occasionally, i don’t believe in astrology but it’s at least somewhat accurate a lot of the time and i like to freak myself out
62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
you’d think i’d have an answer for this, however i have never thought about this before. so e ig
63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?
if your answer to this is dinosaurs then get out of my house
64. What do you think about babies?
they’re good at shrieking, and for that i admire them
65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.
i am not interesting
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livvywrites · 4 years
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25 (nora), 26 (no clue), 27 (whenever bc ur sleep schedule is fucked so time is an illusion), 28 (u do good plans tho u don't always plan and THEN write), 29 (no clue), 30 (def), 31 (somewhere nobody is talking at u), 32 (harry potter bc then you'd be super rich), 33 (gayyy), 34 (pirates are hot), 35 (never use said), 36 (pens who likes pencils), 37 (snarky or heart of gold or both), 38 (movie, songs, theme park, video game), 39 (u named a character sid so that probs)
25. Who is your favorite character you’ve written about?
yyyyep xD
26. Who is your favorite fictional character in general?
uhhh. ??? i have no idea.
27. What time of day do you usually write?
lmfao that is the fucking truth. i write whenever & wherever because who cares honestly
28. How much planning and/or research do you do before you start writing?
ha
yep. planning before i write is something i only do like. 25% of the time. i definitely don’t plan before i write short stories which is probs why i rarely finish them lmao.
29. What writing related accomplishment are you the most proud of?
getting better at descriptions / finishing my first novel / finishing the martyr queen / figuring out how to plan stuff
30. Have you ever dreamt about your characters?
hmmm
i don’t recall ever dreaming about them??? but that doesn’t mean i haven’t lmfao
31. What is your ideal writing environment?
oof yeah that’s a good environment. i know they say you shouldn’t write in bed but. that is definitely a place i like to write.
32. Which published book do you wish you had written?
& everyone would also know my name & what i look like & THAT is a big no no thank you.
i actually can’t think of a published book i would want to have written?
33. Which themes do you like to write about the most?
yes xD gay ships & found family & acceptance & finding a home & belonging & recovery
34. What is the best advice you have for a beginning writer?
pirate’s are hot but i don’t think that’s writing advice, more like a statement of fact.
my writing advice would just be to like. follow what you love & eventually you’ll find that story that feels RIGHT & those characters that feel RIGHT & things will carry you from there
35. What is the worst writing advice you’ve ever heard?
oh god that one is—yes. i actually believed that one for a while RIP
i also hate anything putting down mary sues/wish fulfillment stuff; the stuff that says you should write every day; & ANYTHING that implies there’s only one way to write correctly.
36. Do you prefer pens or pencils?
oof yes
pens, def pens. mechanical pencils aren’t too bad ig but pens are smoother. ((i have a small collection of .05 blue ink pens that i adore & i refuse to write with anything that isn’t one of them))
37. What traits do your protagonists usually have?
lmao—snarky, grumpy, heart of gold, & self sacrificing is definitely a trend in my protags xD
38. What is your ultimate writing goal?
l m f a o
absolutely songs & video game. movie... id prefer tv show but i’ll take a movie. theme park—i mean. it’d be cool, but like. seems a li’l excessive 😂
i think my ultimate writing goal is just to like. help somebody get through a rough time.
39. What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever written about?
lmfao
the weirdest thing i’ve ever written abt i’m not going to share 😂 you don’t really want to know trust me
uhhh. outside of that thing though, um. fuck. i don’t know, man. maybe i just can’t think of anything on par with that but nothing else is coming to mind
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to any teens on here:
if you ever make a friend whose in your year at school or the like, (i.e. they’re the same age as you pretty much), but they try to set you up with older men; meaning men in their late 20s and early 30s, just because they think “oh we need to get you a boyfriend”
FUCKING RUN. BOLT FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIFE.
because these men will groom you. and the friend is encouraging it: both from you, as well as the men. these men do not give a fuck about you, despite what your friend might fire back at you like:
•“oh but they’re sooooo nice! just talk to them more! they’ll look after you!”
• or if you say: “but dude. it’s fucking illegal. we’re literally kids”
and they fire back with:
• “oh, but we’re legal (if you guys are just 16 like i was when this happened to me) so it’s not illegal! just fuck them! they’ll be nice to you!”
cut that friend right the fuck out of your life. this friend is being complicit in grooming. they are endangering you on purpose.
because there is a fucking reason that these men aren’t getting hit on by women their age, AND THIS IS FUCKING IT. the women in the age brackets of these men know that these men are creeps. they know that these men are manipulative asf. don’t believe their comments like “but you’re so mature for your age” or “i can’t believe you look like that in high school! you don’t look like a teenager!” or “you’re too pretty to be a teenager! 😊” or some creepy as fucking bullshit like i got fed by these types of men, when this happened to me in year 11/2012.
and if this friend tries to take your phone home with them to add these men and talk to them for you, report them if you feel like you can. when this happened to me back in high school, i didn’t report the girl that did this whole schtick with me because i was new to the school. so telling on behaviour like this seemed like something that would get me labelled as a “snooty, uptight and prissy private school girl who can’t deal with public school”, but y’all, I regret not telling someone that this was happening to me at the time.
i say this, only bc i’ve only started telling my friends from that school now, like 7 years later, and they all say the following when i tell them: “why the FUCK didn’t you tell me at the time???? like i always knew “miriam” was weird. BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT! THAT IS SO FUCKING DANGEROUS!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!!!! WHAT. THE. FUCK????!!!!!”
❗️although this post is kind of aimed at straight girls, the same applies for straight boys. and also same-sex and all other lbgtqi+ relationships. anyone can be afffected by manipulative friends who are complicit with grooming.❗️
DO NOT TOLERATE THIS SHIT. THESE PEOPLE DO NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT YOUR SAFETY!!!!!
because straight after all of this happened, the girl doing all this weird shit ended up hitting on me. like she bribed me first with jewellery & secondhand CDs, to keep me quiet about the use of my phone. then she almost took my phone home with HER without asking (it was almost like her asking my permission to take my phone home with her to add these men was more of an afterthought to her really. and y’all she wanted it for a couple of days, also under the guise that it “calms my anxiety! thank you! you’re so nice and helpful! 😊” like what the fuck????). it was almost like confiscation and monitoring, for not having talked to these men on her orders. it was so fucked up.
then after all of that, this girl had the nerve to turn around and say to me: “oh so you’re cute btw. i have a crush on you! do you say yes?” and when i answered “no???? like what???” she hit back at me with: “is this because you came from catholic school???? like they all hate gays there, right? so you’re really one of them.” i was mentally like: “although you have a vaild point miriam, it’s a no on that point of the catholic school thing. but also it’s also no???? because like???? why did you try to use me as a pawn??? i’d prefer if you didn’t do that. also why did you try to set me up men who are literally twice our fucking age, despite my fucking constant goddamn refusals???? like y’all. that’s not right??? BECAUSE THESE MEN ARE CREEPY!!!! THEY CREEP ME OUT!!! and after all these weird ass bribes and abusive behaviours you expect a yes??? HELL NO. like if you didn’t use any of those tactics, i would’ve been open to dating you. sorry. but get fucked, miriam. and don’t you dare use any of those tactics on me EVER AGAIN.
so yeah if ANYONE tries to pull this whole ass fucked up act on you, RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, no matter what type of relationship you’re in. (also remember that it’s if you feel safe leaving).
because again, your consent matters. and that’s a big thing i realise now. because consent was never discussed with relationships when i was in school. so, i never had the concept of what consent was outside of like “so, uh, miss, can i go to the bathroom, please?” and had no concept of what it was in a relationship. like imagine if i’d ended up with one of those men??? or even the girl???? FUCKING YIKES. also finally, dealing with this girl and these fucked up men made me realise that i NEVER wanted any of my fave band members to hit on me EVER AGAIN bc these creepy/seedy as fuck men were around the same age as them. so be wary even if a band member hits on you, y’all. fuck their god and fame complex if they hit on you, and reject them. because their fame should not be a reason to excuse the sexual grooming of teenagers.
so my final points are these: DO NOT throw yourself at grown fucking men (or any adults, for that matter) who know what they’re doing is fucking wrong and end up in a dangerous, unhealthy and more than likely abusive relationship just bc some demented friend thought that “older men will look after you”/“you need a boyfriend”. don’t accept their dismissals of the men’s behaviour and their part in your friends part in grooming you. and don’t fall for these men’s weird comments of “you’re so mature for your age” etc either.
also don’t end up in an abusive etc relationship with a girl/woman who reacts to a rejection with ~something like this~: “oh i had a crush on you, so i used all of these fucked up tactics to make you like me... but you don’t???? what the fuck??? how dare you be scared of me and my feelings towards you. it must be your background that makes you hate me. fuck you. like me. you bitch.” (which is what i translate this girl’s reaction to my rejection of her, as). because girls/women can be just as fucked up in trying to get a partner as men are, is my point. but most women/girls won’t go to the level this girl did, unlike men.
as an end note: i’m not sure if people are getting sick of my advice posts about weird people you might meet in life like obvs my stalker or any of the weird guys/people that i’ve had hit on me in my life so far.... but y’all here’s another one.
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silenthillmutual · 5 years
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okay. warning for negative bc this is kind of a vent post?
so. i’m still working on unlearning a lot of things that i had kinda drilled into my head with my mom that i did not realize were bad until recently? or things that i could not easily voice were having negative effects on me until recently. and i’m kind of thinking about how my mom is very. hhhhhhhh.
my mom does not have a life outside of work. and not like, “oh she’s very dedicated to her career” sort of way. but like, she does not believe in taking time off. and i think in the way our capitalist environment functions that always comes off sounding very admirable. it’s not. 
because what that equates to is like, she works to avoid other things in her life. she says that she can’t afford to take a break or any time to herself and my best friend and i had told her repeatedly that if she really wants a relationship she is going to have to take time to devote to that which means working less if only by a little bit! and that i have told her that she should take time to herself to relax whether she had a relationship or not because it’s not healthy to obsess over work the way that she does.
and. i guess she does a bit now. i saw recently on her fb that she went to colonial beach w her boyfriend and like. good for her. but that doesn’t erase that she is constantly harping on me, even from a distance, to do like. everything all in one day. and that i should be working 40+ hours a week and that if i don’t do that, that i’m lazy.
like my mom’s version of workaholism is to view herself as the rule and not the exception, which i can see in certain contexts how that translates into “oh so she’s not full of herself” but it’s actually really the opposite! because i think it takes a special brand of narcissism to assume that everyone is and should be exactly like you and that if they are not they are failing and that is their own fault. 
so, my mom has fibro, like on top of all of that and i wonder if she’d feel better if she didn’t constantly push herself into working all the time. and the truth is that she’ll look at any time i spend online regardless of what i’m doing (bc she doesn’t ever care what i’m actually doing on there, to her it’s all the same) as time wasted and an addiction to the internet. and she thinks that everyone else w fibro or w any chronic or mental illness can work exactly as much as she can because if they do anything less they’re being lazy.
and i think you can kinda see why it’s an issue for a licensed therapist to think or feel that way.
so like. i have never pursued any job that says it’s part time, under $10 an hour that wants me to work 39 hours a week (one hour from full time in the commonwealth of va), no benefits, 8 hours every day, retail, with a massive list of responsibilities. because i know that i can’t handle doing 8+ hours which is how much it’ll wind up being if they want me to open/close (taking into consideration traffic and people who just will not fucking leave), like i had to struggle to work 8 hours at a job i actually LIKED without thinking of working at fucking target or some shit for 8+ hours a day. i can’t do it. between the anxiety and the autism that sounds like something that will make me absolutely want to die and i know this because i tried that at party city for three days and came home in tears every single day and my feet hurt so bad i couldn’t move.
and my mom’s response to that was like. just deal with it! just push through it! you have to! 
you’d think a therapist with a chronic illness would be more compassionate than that. 
but my mom’s whole life is focused on work and i don’t even think it’s because she just loves her job that much. she just refuses to do anything outside of it. she has a dog and a cat (MY cat I adopted her she is under MY legal name and that dog is basically my dog, he was my baby) that i was under no circumstances allowed to take with me regardless of where i went or when, but that she does not...enjoy. at all. she is constantly bitching about the pets and she bought an automatic feeder and self-scooping litterbox and hired pet sitters not for the occasional trip out to her boyfriend’s but for like a regular thing because she is at home as little as possible. every single second that she can spend at work she will.
and she hated that i didn’t spend 6-8 hours at work (more counting traffic) and then want to spend all of my free time looking for a second or different job and cleaning the house and cooking all the meals and running all the errands and taking care of the pets. with no help.
and that’s part of what i mean about her working to get out of having to do other things. because she also works so much so that she can get out of eating. like. ever. her body image issues are so fucked up that she will eat one meal a day and be like “ugh i’m such a pig i’m so fat i should stop eating maybe then i’ll lose weight”. and then she’ll deny that she he has an unhealthy relationship to food and claim she just “doesn’t have time to eat” even though she apparently has time to bitch at me over facebook or henpeck her boyfriend and read 8 different versions of her horoscope in an hour + longer breaks
like i’m sorry but if i could eat in 30 minutes with my coworker calling me to panic on the other end bc everyone decides to come into the library at the same fucking time then i think maybe. just maybe. you can eat a goddamn granola bar in 2+ hours while sitting at your desk instead of saying “i should be writing notes” and not actually writing your fucking notes!
what really kinda. bothers me all about it. like in addition to all this super unhealthy stuff that makes her occupation as a therapist hypocritical as hell is how she criticizes me for doing the exact shit that she does.
by which i mean. holding other people to my standards.
i’ve worked a lot at not being judgmental of other people and challenging my own notions of what is right and acceptable when i find myself judging other people. it’s really hard. i think it’s connected a lot to being autistic and the kind of biases that we’re all brought up into and it’s why travelling and secondary education are really important, not even just because of learning aspect (although liberal arts forcing you to take classes outside of your comfort zone. i think helps a lot in this too) but because meeting people from all different kinds of backgrounds makes you look at things from different angles you wouldn’t have otherwise, because if you never leave you never broaden your horizons. 
so when there are still standards that i hold people to it’s. i try to just hold people to “not being a total asshole to everyone around you” as a relatively basic standard that i don’t think should be controversial? but even when i voice that opinion - like, literally, i went to richmond cc with two friends and when i got back i was telling my mom about this guy who was very loudly, specifically so that i could hear his unsolicited opinion of my cosplay, talking about how bad/boring jojo was because he knew i was dressed as someone from jojo and he wanted me and everyone else around him to know his opinion of jojo, then went and started mocking his friend for wanting to buy a gba instead of a gameboy sp bc his friend and i both saw the mother 1+2 and mother 3 cartridges and was just being an asshole! again! and i was just complaining to her after the fact about this guy being a dick and my mom’s response, not even like an “i don’t get it but i’m sorry” first was just
“well maybe he’s autistic”
and! i’m sorry! but that! doesn’t fuckign fly with me! i said “so am i that doesn’t mean i go around being an asshole to everyone at con” 
and she was like “well maybe he’s not as high-functioning as you you can’t hold everyone to your standards”
NO! NO MAYBE HE WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE HE’S CIS WHITE GUY AND THINKS EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW HIS OPINIONS! do you know how many fucking people go to con are autistic????? a whole shit ton of us! do you know how many poc, trans, nb, not-straight people loudly voice their opinions to make the people around them including their friends feel like shit? NONE OF THEM! NONE OF THEM! NONE OF THEM! ONLY THE CISHET WHITE GUYS WHO THINK THEY’RE TOO GOOD FOR COSPLAY FUCKING DO THAT!
and it’s so irritating! like i’m not allowed to talk about my autism EVER and even when my standards are REALLY FUCKIGN LOW i’m being too judgmental of others but she’s allowed to talk about how everyone who doesn’t work 40+ hours every week and starve themselves is fucking?? lazy????
unreal. un fuckign believable.
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