Tumgik
#i remember using a more complicated one on my friends but i cant find it and cba to make it up myself weh
drawnfamiliarfaces · 6 months
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what would they look like as villains? I know that some have canonical versions, but I would like to see your intropritation (let's be honest, for most - the evil alterego is an exact copy, but only with a slightly modified color palette and frowning eyebrows)
(I'm sorry for my English)
oh, this was a wonderful ask to get on the eve of spooky month ;D im not god at villain (re)design but it was a fun thinking exercise! (also im assuming you were asking about HoMies xD so)
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I mean, there is only so much one can do to remake protagonists into villains and yet still have them remain recognizable, so no wonder evil!versions often are just recolor/frowny sort, but I tried my best to be creative ;D
(and your english is alright! no worries)
also while you can imagine them being as villanous as you want in these designs, there are some little blurbs/backstories i made up for myself as I tried to design them, if you are interested (they are various shades of dark, since you know, tragic backstory and all that lol):
Kim Possible - Hero for Hire turned Mercenary for Money - Kim is widely known for her profeciency in hand-to-hand and quick thinking when on the jobs, but one time something went terribly wrong. Maybe client info was unreliable, or a freak accident, but as the result both Kim and Ron got hurt, leaving Ron in a hospital permanently, and Kim with scars and trauma. After that the girl who worked on favors and rides lost her trust/belief in goodness of people, becoming jaded by reality of a job she accidently found herself in. Kim changed into someone very cold and calculated, someone who started taking jobs that required using serious weapons instead of gadgets, and more importantly getting paid, so she could support her best friend (who is in coma and thus unable to influence this downwards spiral Kim find herself in).
(in contrast to canon!Kim's free flowing hair, she ties it back in order to never be distracted in crucial moment. has a lot of new scars due to more dangerous jobs. i still cant decide if she kills with her weapons or not, but she certainly learned to hurt people. also a very complicated relationship with Shego, since Kim is also a mercenary now, but Shego still remembers that girl she was and is conflicted about this new Kim)
Danny Fenton/Phantom - Ghostly Hero turned Ice Prince - s3e6 Urban Jungle turned out differently, when in the end, defeating Undergrowth, meant also hurting everyone he had been connected to at that moment (level of hurt depends on your preference for angst i guess lol), but anyway, Danny horrified by what he have done (and with memory of Dan still haunting him), still technically unstable with his Ice Powers, flees back into the Ghost Zone to the one place he knows he won't be able to hurt anyone. Sequestering himself in the Far Frozen, he goes full Elsa, and become a remote Ice Prince, that even Far Frozen Yetis are still nervous around, with his only contact being Frostbite. Slowly he wastes away, freezing from his powers not only physically but also like emotionally.
(fun (?) tidbit: fur on his new snow cape/coat is from yetis, unfortunate to wander too close to ice prince. so there are a bunch of partially bald yetis in far frozen lol. Danny is constantly covered in bits of ice and frost, since his ice powers are unstable due to emotional damage. Danny's crown is not a conscious choice, but rather a manifestation of Far Frozen starting to bond with Danny's ice core to become his lair and also sort of recognizing Danny as future Ghost King.)
Jake Long - American Dragon Guardian turned Corrupted by Dark Magic Dragon - Series Finale The Hong Kong Longs, ended differently, when Dark Dragon left a parting shot before he was inprisoned for another Millennium. Since meeting Jake, Dark Dragon has been interested in aquiring him as minion/apprentice(?), and had been steadily trying to sway him to his side. But as he lost he made a last ditch attempt, infecting Jake with Dark Magic. As the result, Jake now cannot control his Dragon Form, being steadily consummed by the Darkness and turning more Draconic as time passes, until he will become full Dragon all the time and under the thrall of Darkness. The change is harsh and as the result Jake falls into violent moments during which he hurt his loved ones that fight to keep him from changing. In one of his more lucid moments, Jake flees to hide away in order not to hurt anyone.
(it seems an interesting thought to expand on the possiblity that the Dragon form can overwhelm the human part and that it would associate with dark magic to succumb to its baser instincts, and also would be a great opening to all those wonderful draconic fan headcanons fandom made about Jake lol)
Ben Tennyson - Hero Wielder of Omnitrix turned Corrupted/Hacked Ultimatrix Unstable User - During Alien Force Ben tried multiple times to hack/meddle with Omnitrix settings, and when he continuously tried the same with Ultimatrix in Ultimate Alien, something has gone wrong. Ultimatrix has bonded deep into Ben's DNA and body, and now every change is felt acutely, not to mention the alien perceptions are now unfiltered and Ben recieves the raw experience of being a different speices/state. It comes to a point when it start to mess with his mind, only made worse by Dagon's reemergence and all the enemies. In the final showdown of Ultimate Enemy goes differently, how? no idea (again depends on your preference level of angst lol). But as the result, Ben, unstable and a little crazy, is on the run with his corrupted Ultimatrix, his reputation in tatters and is considered dangerous by Plumbers.
(i had a little extra idea of Omniverse continuation, where new Plumber Rook Blonko, now has to hunt his hero turned crazy tragic villain Ben Tennyson. Very emotional and angsty (and a bit gay lol), where Rook continuously trying to unsuccessfully catch crazy Ben and convince him to let Azimuth and plumbers to help him.)
Juniper Lee - Youngest Te Xuan Zhe turned Corrupted/Fallen Te Xuan Zhe - in this case in Out of the Past, what Ah-Mah Jasmine feared about Fallen Te Xuan Zhe Kay Yee managing to corrupt Jun has sort of came to pass. After defeating Kai Yee, being touched by the overwhelming power of Magical Elders has left its mark on Jun, as well as Kai Yee's words and Jasmine's initial fear about/distrust in Jun (she is like 11-12 people, it would FUCK HER UP MENTALLY???). As Jun goes through her rebellious teen phase, the unfairness of her trapped position as protector and the demands of it, grates on her more and more, and she finds refuge in studying magic. As the result, her magical ability grows and as her desire for freedom, and the smallest seed of corruption from the events of Out of the Past grow too. So in the end, Jun learns magic to wield it , like Kai Yee, but unlike Kai Yee, not just for battle, but for personal goal of freeing herself and any future Te Xuan Zhe of her family line.
(fun tidbit, Jun doesn't continue to dye her hair pink, instead she uses blood from battle ;D morbid i know but i couldnt help it i like the imagery of her passing her bloody hands through the white part to paint it. she has lightning scars all over her body, that appear only when she uses magic - a manifestation of her brush with orb of magic elders.)
Rex Salazar - Last Hope Against EVO turned Contained and Controlled Weapon of Providence - Rex's return 6 months after Breach transported him and his introduction to Black Knight goes very differently. Instead of prolonged mind games, Black Knight just imprisons Rex pretty much right away while he is vulnerable, content to attempt to trigger Rex's amnesia ad use the mind-control collar, to turn him into her mindless weapon. She was sorta successful? But with Ceaser on the inside, he managed, with the help of Six and Holiday, to free Rex, even if it was too late to save his mind. As the result, whatever reeducation Rex suffered from Black Knights left him instinctively reacting with force and in defense. The whole last part of the season goes very differently in this state, and the finale also ends differently, with Rex, overwhelmed with power of Omega Nanite (God) but in no mind to actually control it. So in the end he is forced to be contained as his friends and family try to figure out how to save him.
(the angst of mind-controlled Rex is something I enjoy, but since he canonically is immune to it, the idea of an induced amnesiac episode seemed like a best bet for this one, but with like double the angst since Six&Holiday would have to struggle not only with Rex being turned into amind-controlled weapon but also him not knowing them)
Randy Cunningham - Chosen Norrisvile Ninja turned Disgraced/Fallen Ex-Ninja - relatively early in his career, after accidently releasing Tengu and Howard getting possesed by it, Randy makes an ultimate sacrifice by burning the Ninja Mask in order to defeat Tengu. However, he didn't expect that Tengu-possesed Howard to be sealed away together and the Ninja title being taken away from him for his reckless (even if noble) decision. Frantic, because he lost two important parts of his life, his best friend and heroic purpose, Randy tries to get the reborn mask back, but it, along with the Ninjanomicon were spirited away by the Messenger to pass on to another candidate. And thus starts Randy's panicked downward spiral and frantic attempts to get back the mask in order to free Howard. Since he still has his memories, Randy trains to become a better fighter. He knows he has to fight the new ninja for the mask, since he believes the Ninjanomicon would advice strongly against New Ninja helping Randy free Howard. In school He becomes known as resident outcast with bad reputation who lost his best friend under suspicious circumstances, and magical underbelly of Norrisville another antagonist for the Ninja to battle. However he still retains an odd sense of honor about Ninja (because he was one) so when opportunities to team up with Sorcerer, McFist, Sorcereress come up, he either ignores them or uses them for his own goal. The closest thing to hit home for him was when Mac Antfee also tried to get mask back, but for his own selfish purposes unlike Randy, well, lets just say Randy was pissed.
(i feel bad since i practically nipped Randy's career right on the bud, unlike others, but this one felt like a good turning villain opportunity unlike season finale. also! the idea of Randy beng an antagonist to the next ninja, while struggling with his own goodness and desire to save Howard is incredibly interesting to me lol. also he got scars from Tengu)
Zak Saturday - Heroic Fighter for Cryptids turned Cryptid Kur re-Reborn - the last episode, where Argost took powers of Kur and subsequently Zak died for about 3 minutes, Zak didn't reawaken unscathed. Kur is not only powers to control Cryptids, it was a person once, and after Zak died and was ressurected, a part of Kur has come forth, because some part of Zak has been lost in his death. A changed Zak Saturday worries his family, with him being quiet and introspective, not to mention pale/golden eyed and slightly zombie-like from his brush with death. Inside, parts of Zak the Kid and Kur the Olden Cryptid mesh and mix, leaving this new Zak struggling with who he is. As time passes however, Zak the Kid is slowly loosing the battle with a much more powerful older part of the soul of Kur (it wouldnt normally happen but Zak the Kid lost a significant part of his spirit when he died, which was filled with Kur) slowly regain his abilities (like in TGAS). At some point a change happens, and Zak retreats from his family, starting to wander the world as two parts of him struggle for dominance.
(fun tidbit! Zak's outfit is the same from his future vision of him overtaking the world as Kur, it seemed approrpiate lol. Also for some reason I kept thinking of Van Kleiss (from Generator Rex) when designing evil!Zak. they kinda have the same vibe)
Jenny XJ-9 Wakeman - Robotic Hero of Earth turned Robotic Overlord - this is a bit of mixed influences from different points: in season finale Dr. Locust turns Dr. Wakeman's creation against her; Jenny's Older Brother Armagedroid; Vexus attempt to sway Jenny to her fellow robots side; the whole year where Jenny was mind-controlled by a bratty kid and everyone feared her and even her mother planned to create a new XJ-10 in order to defeat her; and also a bit random but that one time Jenny pretended to be a villain Ruby Rocket (hence the red color scheme with bits of Armagedroid/Cluster designs). I have a bit less clear timeline for this, but lets just say its gradual and that at some point a lot of manipulations Jenny suffered turned her against humanity and their use of her robotic brethern. While she does not desire to destroy humanity like her brother, she certainly lost her trust in it, and after a manipulation one time too many, she snaps, turns into a leveled up version of Ruby Rocket/Anti-hero persona, she takes her sisters and leaves to Cluster, where Vega welcomes her. Jenny still protects Earth, but admittingly from afar and in a more evil way I guess?? She loves her mother, but she struggles with Dr Wakeman's previous disregard of her siblings and just callous regard to her creations (Wakeman can be cold/serious/to-the point, without Jenny constantly reminding her that she wants to be like a normal girl).
(Jenny was the hardest, because I couldnt find a clear point of turning in the series for her, so I decided to go with gradual change of mind about humanity sort of deal.)
oof this turned a bit long lol, thank you anyone who read through this clusterfuck! As you can see i sort of went with 'Were a Hero - tragically turned Anti-Hero due to circumstances' kind of vibe, since Im just unable to imagine these guys be like trully horrible evil villains (and this way is more angsty, since, like Fallen Heroes and all that). Im not that creative lol. Anyway, i hope you were as entertained as i was when creating this haha ;D
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bridgyrose · 3 months
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Wasn't expecting you to make Nickle a trans Penny, but that works. But what about the gang meeting him?
(Sure, lets have him meet the gang.)
Nickel flew through the air above Mantle, looking for grimm that managed to make their way through the streets while the walls surrounding the city were being repaired. His eyes scanned the city, nearly pausing as he detected several grimm sirens going off in different sectors of the city. For a moment, he closed his eyes to start to plot a course on the best way to make it to each grimm attack. Once that course was found, he rushed forward, taking care of each grimm in his path. 
Green lasers shot from his swords as he flew above each grimm pack in the streets. Though, the longer he took care of them, the more annoyed he became that the grimm almost seemed endless. Sure, it was usually only a pack of ten or so in each section of the city, but after months of protecting the city, it almost seemed like the walls were never getting repaired. Stuck in the role of tired hero. 
Nickel stopped as he finished defeating the last pack of sabyrs, catching a few familiar faces down on the street below him. Every instinct told him that he needed to go, to leave before any of them saw him, though, as he saw Ruby down below him, he couldnt help but make his way down to see why Penny held these memories so dear. Memories of team RWBY that never seemed to go away, a haunting memory of his past life. Though, he put his swords away as he landed, looking over his old friends. 
“Penny? Is… is that you?” Ruby asked as she slowly stepped forward. 
“It is Nickel now.” Nickel took a few steps forward to meet Ruby, scanning her to find out just how much he actually remembered. Memories flooded through his mind in the blink of an eye, watching the girl that had become his past life’s first and only friend for the first few weeks Penny was in Vale. His voice nearly broke as he spoke again, sadness running through him as he spoke again, saying the one sentence he had practiced over and over in case he ever ran into these old friends. “Penny was… unrecoverable.” 
Ruby nodded and looked away, holding her arm to her chest. “O-oh.” 
Nickel paused as he heard how heartbroken Ruby sounded, confused about why he cared so much about what she thought. Penny had cared deeply for Ruby, and those same feelings had stayed with him. A small sigh left his lips as he took Ruby’s hand, giving a small smile to her. “She would be glad that you are okay.” 
Ruby nodded and wiped a few tears away from her eyes. “You look just like her.” 
“I… I guess I am her, just a boy now.” No, that wasnt right, he was supposed to be different from her, a brother, right? He wasnt supposed to be her, but… the more he thought about it, the more he found himself being unable to deny it. “What are you doing here? You are supposed to be in Vale.” 
“We need to speak to General Ironwood,” Weiss answered in a matter-of-fact tone. 
“What for?” Nickel asked. 
“Its… complicated.” Ruby moved the lamp on her hip behind her cloak. “Though, we’re not entirely sure how far we can trust him.” 
Nickel nodded and looked around at his old friends, seeing there was something they were all hiding. “I think I can get you to him.” 
Ruby smiled a bit. “Thank you.” 
“I’ll need you to stay here though.” 
“Why cant we go with you?” Yang asked. “We need to get to him-” 
“Because there is a curfew and travel between Mantle and Atlas is a bit restricted,” Nickel answered, already starting to take off. “I will go talk to him and get you clearance, but I need you to stay with my father.” 
“We cant just sit here!” Nora exclaimed, getting her weapon ready. 
“Let Nickel go alone for right now, and we can find out a bit more about what’s going on here,” Qrow said. “Storming in to see Ironwood right now may just cause us problems.” 
Ruby nodded and smiled up at Nickel. “You will be back, right?” 
“I will,” Nickel said as he took off, flying off to Atlas Academy once more. He mentally cursed at himself as he thought about Ruby, already feeling old feelings starting to come back up. He wanted to be him, not Penny, and yet, Penny seemed to be trying to resurface at every turn. Even now, all he could think about was Ruby and how it made him feel. But for now, all he wanted to do was get them an audience with General Ironwood, and then he’d talk to his father to find out how to get rid of these feelings to keep Penny from being recovered. 
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trashbins-stuff · 8 months
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bin can handle it!! (except for the one time it cant) (ttc fan fanfic)
heads up: this work have angst, attempted murder, attempted suicide, actual suicide, and blood please dont read if it triggers you <3 also this is a 5+1 things (>v0) also i know bin should have die immediately but can u rlly blame a guy for wanting to romanticize his death? THIS IS HOW I COPE WITH MY DEATH U CANT TELL SOMEONE HOW TO GRIEF ESPICALLY WHEN THEY'RE GRIEFING THEMSELVES WAAAAAAA
"i can handle it!!"
"its doable!!"
"fuck it we balllll"
--
1.
Bin wipes the tear off his face, his dad had already stop banging on the door forever ago, probably off watching sport or something, Bin couldn't stop crying, whenever he thought he had calm down, another wave of sadness wash over him and he's wet again.
His mom sit across the mattress, Bin didn't want to talk to her, she'll say its his fault.
And maybe it was.
His dad isn't entirely at fault here. He's trying his best, Bin did too, but he guess it wasn't enough, his dad wouldn't chase him up here if it did, threatening to kill him and all that.
Even when his mom bought a bunch of books on parenting, he's the only one who even reads them, he didn't even plan on having kids, he was just bored.
But that's okay, so what if his dad tried to kill him and his mom was rarely ever there? that's okay!! Bin can handle a bit of loneliness, he have friends!! And his cousin sometime too!! Bin can manage this.
He stand up and unlock the door, repeating "I'm sorry, ba" like a mantra in his head.
2.
The four of them have been sticking together like glue in the entirety of elementary school.
Bin, Puffball Keychain, Baggy and Fluffy Carpet, that is.
They made craft together, they played the same game, Bin and Carpet raves over Melanie Martinez, hanging out in the school cafeteria afterschool, making up their own version of stories and songs they find in textbooks, the usual.
Bin thought it'll stay that way when they go to middle school.
It didn't.
For Carpet, they went to a different school, didn't have a choice.
For Puffball Keychain, too much had happen, didn't want to remember.
For Baggy, it's complicated, didn't know who we are.
That night, Bin cried and wept.
"Your personality is annoying, if you won't change, no one would want to be friend with you"
"I agree with her, sorry"
All those god damn EIGHT YEARS meant NOTHING to them, Pk have been there since 1st grade, sure, she abandon fem once in 2nd grade to hang out with Carpet and Baggy but that's seven years ago.
And Baggy were the nicest one, the kind one, and even she get tired of Bin, fey miss going to her house, they would play together with her cousin.
Now they barely look at each other.
And Bin was lonely.
But that's alright, Bin can still make new friends!! It's not the end of the world!! Fey can always start a new!! Bin can get through this.
And Bin met a new friend, Bin play more of the therapist role then best friends usually but that was fine, if it keep this friendship afloat, fey will do anything.
3.
Bin cried in class, she couldn't handle the bullying, the teasing, the isolation, she was EIGHT for frog's sake!! Would it kill them to be nice to her? She couldn't stop crying, through her wet glances, she can see her bullies staring back at her, and then one them spoke.
"Crocodile tears"
Bin feel something broke, she isn't sure what but she realized.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and if she want to survive, she's gonna need some mask and a tough persona. Bin can get use to this.
After years of kids leaving and joining the class, Bin found herself enjoy talking to a few kids, they still treat her differently but as long as they tolerate her, it was enough.
4.
Bin feel ugly, a bit on physical but mostly mentally, it didn't like when people commented on it's efforts.
"Your hair look like a bird nest, when was the last time you brush it?" they'll touch its hair without its consent and try to brush it, its hurts like its scalp is going to be ripped out in any minutes.
"Your a female, why are your hand writing worse than all the boys?" it was trying its best, it put so much time writing and making it look legible, and this is the thanks it get? Tch, figures.
"..bla bla bla..."
It didn't want to change, it didn't like how they look at it, there's always something that separate it form other people, that wall have been there since forever. No one needed it, no one wanted it.
It didn't want itself either.
It never asked to be here, it never looked forward to it's existent. But Bin fix this.
Over years it thinks, Bin start to love parts of itself that it had previously hate, Bin start to feel a bit better. But what is it even-?
5.
Bin couldn't tell, if the kid died from bashing their head or the stab wound. Either way they're laying on the kitchen floor, looking at the lights above, not from heaven-they just have a long lightbulb in their kitchen.
They roll their head back to look at their other self, Bin immediately look away, after staring for a second or two, their gaze went back to the lights.
Bin walk to the chair and turn on the tv.
Leaving the kid to bleed out and die.
Leaving Bin to bleed out and die.
A year later, a soaking wet Bin was walking to it's bedroom, it was it's cousin birthday today, but its not time to eat yet. It walk in and its eye turn left.
Bin found the same kid with the fan's string tied around their neck.
They couldn't even get a proper rope.
Bin couldn't even get a proper rope.
"We gotta stop meeting like this"
"..."
The kid stood up and walk away, leaving Bin alone in it's bedroom
--
1.
With a thud, Bin fall down on the cold hard floor in Galaxy Journal's lab.
He wasn't the best person, he had done a lot of wrongs, he had done a lot of rights too, maybe he'll end up in purgatory, or are we all clotted in the same afterlife? like Journal said, or will he be reincarnated? or maybe there's nothing after death at all.
He doesn't know, and that scare him a little.
A part of her still hopes, a part of her still hope that maybe, just maybe, Journal would burst through that door any second now and fix her up. Or if it's too late, she still hopes that someone-anyone! would kick down that dammed door and hold her, hold her tight.
Her death would have looked cuter in someone's arm.
She want to be held, one last time.
The door didn't even budge.
So (So)
Instead (Instead)
It's (It's)
Gonna (Gonna)
Die (Die)
As (As)
Lonely (Lonely)
As (As)
It (It)
Felt (Felt)
Last (Right)
Night (Now)
But at least Journal's lab have a very nice ceiling.
And the maggots will surely enjoy my rotten flesh.
Classic Bin, always so silly, but i fear your positivity will not save you this time.
Bin took it's last breath in the dark lab, alone.
Becoming as cold as the blood-covered floor below it.
The cassette tape sits on the table, it contain words contradicting what Bin have said the night before.
And the lab fell silent once more.
Bin might have ended it all right then and there.
But the Earth will keep on spinning.
And tomorrow will be a brand new day.
"Remember Me".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: Haiiii this is the end, i hope u enjoy it!! htis is my first fic so plz go easy on me,,,<3 thanks for reading :3
Also all the things that happen to bin may or may not actually happen irl hehe-
words count: 1,244
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beaulesbian · 2 years
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No bc Mike getting vecna'd is such a good idea if byler endgame is the goal. Like his regret/shame would be the fact that he can't say ily to his gf and the fact that he's in love w his best friend but repressing it. Then will could confess and this would remove some of that shame thus possibly saving him?? Cause people saying will gets cursed has me wondering what his regret would be (other than his love for Mike, which he seems to be relatively accepting of, whereas Mike (if he is in love w will) is repressing it much more and prob thinks it will hurt el whom he really cares about)
(this got a bit longer than i first wanted, but i have too many delusional theories 💖)
exactly, i see this more even as a great tool for their respective character developments than even for the ship itself, but ofc that would be best outcome if this all happened.
in my opinion if will gets vecna'd it would just be too similar to what hes already been through before, it would be unnecessary repeating. what we need is to see will have some connection to the upside down, that will help by the end to defeat vecna or whoever else in s5.
meanwhile it would be much more interesting to see this with mike. bc overall its a bit more difficult to see what hes really thinking, if we only see the surface level emotions.
first, he cares about all his friends beyond anything. and while will and el and max went through such trauma that was very visible, (and theyre still dealing with that, we still dont know much how mike is dealing with anything.
we only see how he changes depending on whos around him and how they interact together (dustin and lucas, eddie, will, el, his family - i feel he acts very different around each of them)
In season one his best friend went missing, was pressumed dead and had a funeral - mike thought, even for a while, he lost him permanently.
In that time el appeared and was helping find will, his friends suddenly think he likes her more than a friend (its whats normal, right? Ofc he should like her before he even knows himself...)
He fights with lucas about el in s1, and one of the things he said (i cant remember exactly now) is how he feels guilty they fought about it, "if only he could have said something more, something better, its my fault"
i think he said something similar in different situations during the first three seasons, and then in s4, when hes opening up to will about this, he tells him similar thing twice "if only i explained myself better, i should have said something more to el, do something better"
from that i get the feeling hes always trying to do not just the best he can, but whats expected of him. and when he finds he doesnt have the power to stop something, or physically cannot make himself say something thats probably not true, he blames himself afterwards.
S3 is such rollercoaster for him, hes with el but cant be with el bc hopper, and then cant say what he feels - or maybe he doesnt know whats hes supposed to feel. And then el and will are leaving. Two of his most important friends, and i think thats what made him all the more confused, bc what if he misses will more than el?
Why did the promise of will wanting only play d&d with mike made him smile so much, but then the kiss with el made him all the more confused?
theres two such contrasts in his personality, where one of his main beliefs is "friends dont lie" and he does as much as he can with honestly, but at the same time he pushes something inside him down and pretends it doesnt exist (his complicated feelings towards.. romance, lets say).
Back to the vecna theory - this is why i think if mike gets vecna'd it would add more perspective to his character and for us to see what all hes been going through in the past seasons.
Same as his feelings towards will, its been there building from s1.
It could be few flashbacks and memories telling the audience the scenes that already happened from mike's point of view, how he struggles at home,
how he regretted the words he said to will in s3 (its not my fault you dont like girls), bc it was more directed at himself than will, but he didnt realize that yet.
how finding eddie and playing in d&d club could mean hes slowly finding himself (and with d&d being like a connection will again, bc its something they both loved playing together).
And how all of this is so confusing, especially for their time in the 80s, and hes still trying his best, but slowly, more and more cant ignore that his heart wants something (someone) else than hes supposed to be with.
Its just all these things that will go either unnoticed and unmentioned in the series, which i think would be a shame, or it could be addressed in the way with vecna who would manipulate his fears and nightmares, and if others can save him (which im sure they would), he could start process it in a better way, more honest to himself as well to others. To accept himself, and by that also will's feelings (if he noticed those, which i dont think he did, i think will noticed mike's confused ones, if anything.)
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So I’ve seen this pointed out, but now I cant stop thinking about it. Arya never actually says “I’d rather be with the boys” or “I’d rather play with boys” or “I’d like to be one of the boys”. In fact, she makes it pretty clear she likes being with other girls. 
When she was younger she followed Sansa and Jeyne around (I TWoW aren’t published, but Martin shared this chapter so Im counting it)
“They made a race of it, dashing headlong across the yard and past the stables, skirts flapping, whilst knights and serving men alike looked on, and pigs and chickens scattered before them. It was most unladylike, but Alayne sound found herself laughing. For just a little while, as she ran, she forget who she was, and where, and found herself remembering bright cold days at Winterfell, when she would race through Winterfell with her friend Jeyne Poole, with Arya running after them trying to keep up.” - Alayne I, TWoW
And she, Arya and Bran played together. 
“She scooped up a handful of snow and squeezed it between her fingers. Heavy and wet, the snow packed easily. Sansa began to make snowballs, shaping and smoothing them until they were round and white and perfect. She remembered a summer's snow in Winterfell when Arya and Bran had ambushed her as she emerged from the keep one morning. They'd each had a dozen snowballs to hand, and she'd had none. Bran had been perched on the roof of the covered bridge, out of reach, but Sansa had chased Arya through the stables and around the kitchen until both of them were breathless. She might even have caught her, but she'd slipped on some ice. Her sister came back to see if she was hurt. When she said she wasn't, Arya hit her in the face with another snowball, but Sansa grabbed her leg and pulled her down and was rubbing snow in her hair when Jory came along and pulled them apart, laughing.” - Sansa VII, ASoS
And when we hear of other times Arya plays with other children genders aren’t usually given. 
“Arya had loved nothing better than to sit at her father's table and listen to them talk. She had loved listening to the men on the benches too; to freeriders tough as leather, courtly knights and bold young squires, grizzled old men-at-arms. She used to throw snowballs at them and help them steal pies from the kitchen. Their wives gave her scones and she invented names for their babies and played monsters-and-maidens and hide-the-treasure and come-into-my-castle with their children. Fat Tom used to call her "Arya Underfoot," because he said that was where she always was. She'd liked that a lot better than "Arya Horseface." - Arya II, AGoT
We never hear her go she doesn’t want to play with girls until after she witnesses the Red Wedding at the Twins. And even then, its more complicated than simply Arya doesn’t like dolls. 
Arya just wants to go do whatever she finds interesting and play. She never seems terribly concerned with the genders of the other people involved. 
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voidwritesstuff · 5 months
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Savior Of Lost Hope AU
A/n: im not dead!! The fics not dead!!!
Chapter 3.
Summary: after finding Dr.Wales,the crew needs to find a way to bring him back. Even if they dont like what they have to do to accomplish it.
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--How long do you think itll take em in there?--Jerico asked doodling on a spare piece of paper.
--couple 'o days?--Rosemary replied, sitting beside the girl and handing her a cup of tea-- im sure they'll be fine.
--Yeah I guess..I just cant help but be worried, you know?
The other woman chuckled with a raised brow-- Could it be youre worried about Lucas?
Jeri freaks out, avoiding eye contact and gripping her pen with such force she could break it in half. --'m worried about everyone.
Rose chuckles and raises her brow-- sure you are-- she takes a sip from her coffee and looks at what her companion is drawing. Its clearly Lucas, she can tell by the green flannel and the curly black hair. She smiles at it but doesnt say anything.
--Okay so what if I am-- the girl replied,shrugging to play it off.
--Nothing, I just... I think its cute-- she replied-- my friend has been through it. And I appreciate you making him happy, thank you
Jerico smiles, she rubbs the sleep out of her eyes and says-- well...'m glad I can make him happy. Hes- god, hes just so cute
Rosemary is about to say something when she hears the radio go-- attention! Attention! This is Radioman, do you read Angel? -- its Lucas,because of course he butts in before she can hear all about her companions crush.
Both women roll their at the codenames. The scientist graba the radio and says-- Ten-four Radioman. Whats your status
Theres a brief moment before they hear him say-- we've found Savior. We repeat, we found Savior
--Desmond?--Jerico asked leaning closer, overjoyed by hearing Lucas' voice.
--Radioman,you mean-- the doctor?--The older woman asked.
--Affirmative --Both look at eachother and smile, high fiving eachother-- theres...a slight complication,though
--How slight?-- Lucas heard rosemary's annoyed voice. He takes a solid minute and adds-- he doesnt remember Us- I mean he does, but he doesnt remember how he got here or who he was. And apparently, hes "locked" in here by his amnesia. -- he rubs his face with his free hand, stress picking at his nervous system,his eyes on the floor.
More silence ensues for a few minutes, until he hears Jerico go-- you call that slight?!
At the voice, the Man smiles and looks up as if she was standing infront of her-- sorry, misused the word.
--Thats one hell of a way to misuse a word-- rosemary grumbled-- ten-four Radioman, do whatever you need to to get him out. Find things that Will remind him of who he is. Angel out.
The line cuts and Lucas is left to figure this out on his own. He turns to desmond,lost in conversation with Allen as Virginia looks at his clothes,mesmerized by the design.
--i swear ill get a stress ulcer one day-- he growls,turning to Desmond and saying-- Doc! Can you tell me everything again,from the top?
With the patience of a saint, Desmond nodds and smiles. Its a warm,understanding smile-- Well, I remember walking here aimlessly, I found this place eventually and then...-- he thinks for a brief moment,turning to Tonia who was still asleep-- Tonia found me, we made this place our home
-- But how did you get here -- Virginia asked-- I mean what made you find this place
The house shakes and the light dims,even the one coming from the sun. The feathers on the doctor's wings ruffle-- I would rather not talk about it, I cant...remember it well and I do not like how painful it is to remember-- he looks away, the rings with Many eyes look away at the floor-- but please,make yourseleves at home
Before either if them say a Word, the Man kicks up in flight and soon hes lost between the Many bookshelves of the place.
--Jesus fucking christ-- Lucas complains,passing his hands through his face.
--Now what?-- Asked Max,folding his arms over his chest.
--Well figure it out!-- Allen chirped, leaning on Virginia a little-- as the doc always said! Patience and Grace!
At the phrase,tonia raises her head and mewls, stretching and walking over to the Group. She nuzzles Allen's hand and tugs at his fisherman sweater, guiding Him to the Hall outside the Office.
--maybe she wants us to follow-- Virginia suggested,pushing a strand of curly black hair behind her ear.
-- Ah well why the hell not--Lucas agreed-- s'not like we have any better ideas.
And so,they follow her out, back to the series of paintings in the Hall. The ex lighthouse keeper looks at them, inspecting them and putting the pieces together. Its actually him who actually figures it out-- c-correct me if im wrong here but... look-- he gestures at the first painting, its the view of an Angel,that looks an awful lot like desmond,fighting off a demon of dark skin and multi colored goo-- this is desmond, fighting against the chem-- the house rattles a little,he flinches-- fighting the You Know What.
He moves to the other picture of the Angel being brought down by the demon. -- he lost the battle,whatever the battle was-- he walks to the one Next to the previous painting. This one is Desmond- the Angel being trapped by five chains. One of them is white,the other four are Green,Red,blue,magenta.
--Didnt the doc have tapes color coded?-- Virginia asked-- when we had a session he would always record them in a magenta tape.
-- mine was blue-- Allen added-- what color were you two's tape
--Green-- Lucas answered
--Red-- replied Max.
--Do you think the chains represent us?-- Virginia asked, looking at the picture.
--Why the hell would it represent us?-- Max asked, looking at the painting as well.
--Well...we are his patients arent we?--Allen asked, as a cloud obscured the sun for a brief moment. Tonia nuzzles his hand as if to agree with him-- we are part of him 
--But why would we chain him down in some way?--Lucas asked-- 'm gonna call rosemary
They wait a few minutes until Rosemary picks up, Lucas explains what happened and waits for an answer. -- I honestly dont have an idea.. if the You Know What-- she felt a little silly for calling Agent Rainbow that-- is everything we repress, its probably something that he doesnt want to face. Something hes ashamed of
--Guilt!-- jerico jumps in-- its guilt isnt it?
--But why would he feel guilt towards us?-- Virginia asked.
--Well, think of it this way- now,this is personal experience but-- jeri starts, nobody comments on how Keen Lucas is to hear her voice-- the picture shows him being chained down by something having to do with you guys, what chains us most its guilt and shame. Maybe, he feels like he hasnt done enough with you guys, as if he failed you
--But he didnt-- Allen said.
--But he doesnt know that-- jerico added-- maybe you guys need to find a way to get him to see that
--Well thats all fine and dandy,but what about the fifth chain, the white one?--Max asked.
--Maybe the fifth one is himself. Maybe if we make him forgive himself-- rosemary jumped in.
-- And how the hell do we do that?-- Max asked again
Lucas sighs and says-- ten four Angel. We'll start with what we have. Over and out -- the line cuts and tonia grabs Lucas by the sleeve of his jacket with her mouth, pulling him down the stairs with the rest of the Group
--Its like tonia knows-- Virginia said-- maybe whatever desmond doesnt remember, she does. Thats why shes guiding us
--Animals are always on some freaky psychic bullshit-- Max grumbled,Lucas cant help but chuckle.
They reach the first floor once more as tonia guides them down another corridor. There are four Doors with each of their names, and one simple note on the round table in the middle. The handwriting is scratchy and the paper is stained with oil, it simply read "face your demons to be free. There is no turning back".
--Thats not ominous at all-- Virginia remarked.
--God knows what the hell theres behind those Doors-- Lucad said-- tonia,what are we supposed to do?-- the cat nodded towards the note.
Virginia sighed and Walked up to the door with her name, the doorknob is a magenta gem which has cracks in it. She can see her own reflection-- what the note said? Theres no turning back...?-- she sighs-- we're trapped arent we? We either get desmond out or we die with him? -- unfortunately,tonia nodds-- great..
Mustering all her courage, she twists the knob and enters, before anyone can say anything.
The room within is black, it shifts to a dark magenta color every once in a while. As she walks, the room fills with eyes that stare at her,voices that pick at her scarred face.
Virginia recoils into herself, face Burning with shame-- stop it!-- she mutters, but the eyes Open wider And the voices get louder-- I said shut up!--she screams but it only gets worse.
Tvs appear as she keeps walking,eyes staring intensily at her, mannequins with names like "denis" and "Jorge" appear. But she keeps walking.
--Oh god,not you-- she mutters as a mannequin with the name of "Dave" appears in the middle of her path. The voices whisper things like "ugly", "useless", "everyone Gates you"-- no no no- not you! -- she kneels on the ground and covers her ears, the voices grow in volume. Louder,louder,LOUDER.
Until she remembers what rosemary said. "You might find your shadow selves,those things you repress"
Virginia thinks of desmond,trapped in this hellhole, she knows theres no turning back. She stands up, her body shakes and she walks with stumbling steps. "Youre loved,youre safe, youre loved,youre safe" she mutters to herself, hugging her own body and concentrating on her own voice until the voices go quiet.
She walks past the mannequin and pushes it to the ground, it shatters And she finds strength to Straight her back and Keep walking.
Before her is a small glass table, with a magenta key on it. Behind the table is a round mirror. As shes about to Grab the key,a clawy ghastly hand comes from the mirror and clutches her wrist.
Virginia yelps and pulls back, but the shape of a ghost woman comes from the mirror and looks at her,her face is cracked,her voice weak--...stop-- she says.
--Why?
--You really wanna go back? They think the worst of us..our family- we are never enough..
The woman coos soothingly, she doesnt let go of the key but she does say-- We are enough,and youre beautiful. The people out there like us, we are loved. And...im sorry you were convinced that you werent-- she pulls the ghastly woman for a hug and she hugs tight-- we are safe, we are loved,we are enough, we are beautiful
Her shadow self nodds and lets go, the glass shatters but it doesnt hurt her. Then,the room dissolves and she walks back out of the room with the key.
--Virginia!--The three men shout once shes our of the room. Allen hugs her friend tight and shakes her
--I!!!was!!!so!! Worried!!--he yelled.
--how was it In there kid?-- Lucas asked, pulling her in for a tight hug
Virginia Hugs back and explains everything that happened, what she saw, what she did to confront her shadow self and what be got in return.-- maybe thats how we free desmond-- she says.
--Well isnt that lovely-- Max grumbled.-- I aint got nothing to repress
The other three look at him-- dude...-- Lucas says-- are ya sure -- Max looks away and keeps quiet.
Allen sighs through his nose and looks at his door-- for the doc,right?-- he asks mostly to himself.
Virginia puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it-- you got this
The ex lighthouse keeper walks towards his door, the knob is a bright yellow, and its like it was melting. Like wax or like something under an intense heat-- for the doc-- he whispers before twistint the knob and entering
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allthetorturedpoets · 1 month
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hi beloved!! ok so first off, remember makeup isn’t about covering up your feature but rather enhancing them and expressing yourself!! (i am sure you are gorgeous talia!)
so first thing i recommend to do is find out your face shape, eye shape, and just learn about your features overall. different makeup looks drastically different on you based on these! for example, eyeliner looks can look very different based on if you have a monolid, hooded eyes, etc. so it’s best to do some research on your features to see what kind of looks what suit you best! i also recommend looking up tutorials of people with similar features to you so you can see how certain makeup looks would appear on you and just overall youtube tutorials will be your best friend!!!
next, if you don’t already, please take care of your skin!! skincare is essential to have your makeup looking good and not damaging your skin. you don’t need a super complicated routine at all, just washing your face, a cleanser, toner, serum, and moisturizer will do! but please see what kind of skin type you have, and if your skin needs more than that, feel free to adjust accordingly!
last tip for now is drugstore makeup is so so good and i cant stress this enough!! esp if your just starting out, it’s the best to be able to use affordable makeup! elf, maybelline, covergirl, & loreal are some of my fav brands! please please please check out your local cvs! they have so many good dupes of popular products for the fraction of the price!!
that’s all for now gorgeous! if you have any more specific makeup or fashion related questions feel free to shoot me an ask!! i’ll be more than happy to respond 💗
omg yesss i can’t find a style of eyeliner that looks good on my eyes and i hate it so much. i feel like i have such a skewed perception of my face that i don’t even really know what i look like at this point is that makes sense??
and for my skincare i def need a more powerful moisturizer because one of my acne medications that i got like a year ago still dries out my face So Much (i also have no idea what type of skin i have like dry or oily and now it feels too late to ask anyone because it’s embarrassing that i don’t know)
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cultivatingyourfuture · 3 months
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grinning emoji. you know which guy im thinking abkut rn. how well does he deal with being a catch and release
ok originally i had paragraphs upon paragraphs about why vallen is what he is but it got too complicated and far away from the og question so. sorry it took me a while 2 answer this LOL !!!
anyways. pretty well actually? like of course the nature of what they are BOTHERS him, why wouldn't it, but it's not like its their fault what happened happened. being made into what they were for the reasons they were is on the people who did it. vallen, at least by the end, knows what he wants and that the only persons whims he's to be beholden to are their own. he's not going to feel guilt on behalf of what another person used them to do, and they sure as hell aren't going to spend the rest of their life questioning why they are where they are because he knows why-- because he wants to be. and that's all that matters
vallens kind of ended up being a bit of a narrative foil for cherry (gay as fuck in my opinion) the more i focus on him because you know how i love my parallels and contrasting personalities , and one big way this manifests is how they regard their memories. obviously cherrys very attached to and fixated on what little they can gleam from the vaguest hints of whatever they lost and is very bothered by this lack of answers for where they came from or why. vallen, meanwhile, is characterized by a need to forget-- to bury their memories, not think about it, distract himself or erase it through any means necessary. it's only when that lack of memory becomes a problem that it starts to bother them-- when he starts noticing that something is very, very different and they cant pinpoint what happened or why, only a terrible sense of dread and a vague idea that something awful has happened. the one time hes spared the burden of remembering is the one time he, you know, **needs** to remember what happened-- to figure out whats going on with themself and, later, to help someone he does actually end up really caring about. (i also, sometimes, wonder if there's some resentment to be gained from knowing someone who got the chance to leave it all behind and start over in the exact way you'd want to. food for thought.) it's a wake up call to how he's been living-- do they really want to live their whole life pushing these things down, not confronting it on a meaningful level, just letting what happens to them happen and praying they'll black out before the worst of it? probably not. it obviously doesn't fix everything but it does get them asking some difficult questions that they've been ignoring for a long while now.
anyways when they're first confronted with this stuff he pretty much wants nothing to do with it-- he doesn't know anything about why theyre like this and wouldn't be able to help otherwise, and besides that he's not getting involved in something that seems like someone else's problem to deal with. he does kind of come around but it's less out of a desire to find out what's wrong with him and more of a desire to figure out why it's such a big deal for cherry because they just. Dont get it. she's lucky not to remember anything, after all, and why waste your time on something that's probably going to hurt you in the end when you can live your damn life and move on with it. and learning those answers does kind of actually endear them to each other and whoops they're friends now toooooo fucking bad
fizzle does find that vallen has technology within him that suggests remote piloting and this does IMMENSELY bother them and he does get it deactivated as soon as he can. the idea that he's been used in a way that negates any part of his will or wants makes him feel sick and angry and does motivate him to be involved with the story but he comes to make peace with it because. whatever he was used for, it. wasnt him. and they are not going to let someone give them the guilt that THEYRE supposed to possess. (more parallels. being made into something for the purpose of what someone else wants. continuation of the themes of "you are not responsible for the shit other people do to you" etc) which also baffles cherry bc if it was him she'd have a crisis of conscious . vallens good for making them calm the hell down sometimes i think but that's another post
the literal concrete reasoning for why vallen is what he is only comes out during that stretch of time where cherry is dead and that reasoning does initially throw him for a loop-- the idea you were made to find someone else and that not only did it work but it's the pretext for Why you came to care about them is unnerving-- but those people are gone now, and he's not controlled by them or anyone else anymore, and he still stays up at night to watch diagnostics flicker and to see if anything at all comes back online outside of their input, and he's sick of other people defining what he's supposed to feel or want and god damn it, they're the closest they've been to being happy in a while, and he refuses to let that be defined by anything else. he cares about people because he chose to and that's all that matters, and anyone who thinks that's a weakness to be utilized is not only wrong but fucking stupid. they're here because they want to be; if they didn't then they wouldn't. he's not going to let that define what he feels or thinks because that's up to them and not someone else.
anyway he's still not quite to the point where i want them, obviously, but i am trying to take the initial idea of their character-- someone who isn't impacted the way others were by this singular event partly because theyve already been through so much that this just. doesn't faze them the way it probably should-- and trying to extend it in new ways. vallens really bad about fitting into the molds other people make for them and letting other people tell them what they feel or what they are and i do like the idea that they end deciding to prioritize their wants and needs and feelings after Not Doing That.
there's some interesting themes here about the nature of autonomy and how that feeds into things like addiction and objectification but ill spare you the analysis on that. blows the fuck up
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abyssal-cryptid · 11 months
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Still thoughts about Tears of the Kingdom (SPOILERS)
The Great Fairies look like they want to eat the small man when they first emerge
Zonai Zelda is so cute
The memories bro the memories
THERE IS A SECOND GIANT HORSE
Why cant I put flowers in their mane
Please let me marry Zonai Zelda
Rauru is like lmao Zelda I wont die *dies*
Rauru dont give Zelda more trauma she has been through so much already
Rauru is like "we will put this all on Link"
HE'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH
I will write angry fanfic about this
Gleeoks are so terrifying what the fuck
You can upgrade your horses
What did they do to my beautiful dessert
They let me in as a man??? Noooo I was waiting to enjoy the complicated feelings of Link's gender again
Riju looks so good in this new look
Its so hot everywhere
Nooo my coins my coins!!!
Again doing shrines because I need hearts and stamina
I am a well enthusiast
I caught the golden horsie
Trying to find a perfect colored 5* speed horse is hard
Why are there gleeoks everywhere
IVE BEEN COLLECTING HORSE GEAR
Outfits my one true love
My horses are so cute
Let me customize the big horses pleaseee
I need to murder more deer for coins
Need to go deal with the Lurelin Village Pirates
DID I FREAK OUT ABOUT GIBDOS YET
I HATE THEM
Sorry I write these while Im not playing so I dont always remember to go in order
Im also writing fanfic because of course I am look at me
YOU CAN MAKE PICKAXES FROM THE MOBLIN HORNS
Im having so much fun
Shrines are becoming less awful
MY GOD I HATE GANONDORF
NOT SONIA
NOOOO
Wait how is Zelda the descendant of Sonia and Rauru if Sonia died without children
I saved this man's goats
Satori mountain is said to have endura carrots. I need them please
THE STICKY ARMOR LOOKS SO COOL
Im pro-all armors that show off Link's cool arm
I looked up how to get to Hestu and
I know what I need to do but I dont have the strength to do it
No joke theyre evil for this
How do I get gloom resistant armor
Playing the Zora main questline
The sky island has moon gravity!!
Where is Kass
The new dragon is a Light Dragon
Finally some good fucking food (All the apples on satori mountain)
Me: oh shit blood moon should be soon
Literally the next night: blood moon
Im a psychic
You are correct Roman there is so many apples here you do deserve some here you go baby boy
The checkmark you get for caves is if you killed the Bubbulfrog in there
I need to kill more
I want the full mystic armor
I have one friend who isnt into LOZ and I could tell all this to her but its no fun if she knows nothing about it
She does send me Zelda memes tho. 10/10 friend
Finally endura carrots
WAIT HOLD ON YIGA CLOTHES
OMG FINALLY
I love Malanya so much
Best god
I love Sidon but my god is he just in the way during the Water Temple
On the way, making me waste my bubbles, why do I have to be next to him to get the bubble
GET OUT OF THE WAY LET ME HIT THE CROCODILE
Useless
Hearing Zelda being referred to as the Sage of Time >>>>
Also I will not shut up about how pretty Zelda is
I have to draw her
Im a simple lesbian
My switch camera is full of screenshots of her
Every cutscene has her be so pretty
Sidon made me my own copy of him
And this man isnt marrying me
KING DOREPHAN DIDNT DIE
YAY
I dont think I could have handled that
WAIT SIDON'S BECOMING KING???
My camera roll is also full of screenshots of Sidon
NOO YONA BECAME QUEEN
DONT CALL HER BELOVED SIDON
SIDON STOP CALLING HER ENDEARING NAMES
SIDON
Yona is actually really sweet Im just having a moment
A sad day for Sidon lovers everywhere
King Sidon is handsome
He literally got on his knees to swear a vow to me and gave me a ring and married Yona
Yona is cute and I love her
Like her voice too
She's adorable
Maybe we can do a triad
Political(ish) marriage + one crackhead who attracts all the trouble
No because I still actively avoid spots where there used to be guardians
I was at a stable and went "no cant go that way there's guardians"
Nightmares wont give up ever apparently
ALSO HAVE YALL SEEN THE TIKTOKS OF LIKE
PEOPLE ABUSING THE BACKBAG KOROKS
There has been so many crucifications. The Korok Space Program. Fire is involved
I've also seen people build bombers and mechs
I love it
It seems so wild to me because I dont build in this game
If I can avoid it
I do use the dispensers but thats because its gambling
But all the material spots just get ignored
Nope
Dont care
Im going on Roman (my horsie)
But I love everyone is vibing
But still. I need easy mode
These posts are how I process the game btw. Been surprised that people have liked them. I will keep going because I have to process what I feel about things (doctor's orders)
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mxttellion · 2 years
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Pat headcannons. Hand em over RN pal- 🔫
(jsjfjdjfj obviously you don't have to RN but whenever you can or want to :D
YOU ASKED FOR IT so. i gotta. it's a promise
...well, read after the read more, it's gonna take a while. (/j)
*cracks knuckles*
alright it's just gonna be a dump of everything i have so far, with some that are related to my own universe and others that are mostly related to some kind of canon adjacent au where he's part of the army, but a lot of them tend to overlap, ill try to find a middle ground between the two- also good thing if you remember that post i made a while ago about some hcs, it's useful
- Full name? Patryck Kedzierski-Hopperstad. got both surnames from his parents. But ends up just using his first one
-He's 185 cm tall, the tallest of his group;
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-Uses He/They, and kinda prefers neutral terms over masc, but ultimately doesn't mind both. He's also bi.
- He's incredibly optimistic! Just an overall solar guy! He can be snearky and kind of an asshole, pushing people's buttons on purpose, but mostly does it out of playful blanter rather than actual malice. (Plus, he finds reactions to his jokes/jabs incredibly funny). He may also give you a funny nickname in the process. He's incredibly passionate about the stuff he does, and also can be very reckless, which isnt really a good thing for his health. But you only live once, so better make the best out of it, especially after being sheltered! Oh, he gets offended easily, and may try to strangle you if you comment his hair. Pat can also be incredibly reckless and stubborn. He'd jump from high heights just to prove he can fall on his feet and then break his ankle in the process. In the rp he sprained his ankle and didnt want any help. He can do this on his own, duh – the reckless will come back later..
- He has like. 34 illnesses and allergies. from asthma, to dust allergy, to lactose intolerance, ibs, migraines, general weakness, frequent insomnia, scoliosis, chronic sneezes, glass bones and paper skin, sensitive skin to the sun, had diverticulosis, appendicitis, tonsillitis and is probably allergic to bees, has shit sight but refuses to wear glasses, short term memory loss. He also most likely lacks a liver. No one knows where it went. And he rightfully cant stand the smell of smoke lol
Also yes, he's stressed, doesnt want to show it, he will internalize it and then get crows feet (which is what those two lines under his eyes are.) Also he can faint on command.
-Hes half polish and half norwegian, and has an younger sister by two years, called Brygida.
They and Pat get along extremely well, they're a dynamic and dangerous duo! After all, they had to support each other during their childhood. Brygida is the complete opposite of Pat: but she also was the one who introduced him to a bunch of stuff he ended up enjoying. Like boy bands.
-His relationship with their parents is..rather complicated, to say the least. They were incredibly overprotective during his childhood, sheltering him from everything that could even be slightly dangerous for his fragile health. You could find him peeking from his room window at times, just to see other kids playing. But also, despite that, he was still the oldest child, and being such, they has high standards for his education and controlling of his career path and interests: at some point, he'll end up arguing with them just to let him get to the college he wanted to, a technology related one, and almost risks to get disowned, with tension rising and them not even bothering to call him once he moves away. Also yeah, Pat had to hide a lot of interests and keep them a secret from them, you know, just in case.
- Brygida was the one who got him to find friends in his life (and in my hc universe, the one who introduced him to Paul)
- he has a pocket switchblade knife with him for some reason, it's orange and there are kawaii stickers plastered on it. Don't ask why.
-lol autistic moment, of course. His special interest are planes and anything related to flight, along side IT. Oh, how can i forget: He's a 90s boy! He's stuck in that era. You may find it constantly gushing about his favorite boybands and members he has a crush on. He owns an orange nokia 3310 which HAS never been changed and refuses to change. owns a n64 aswell, and keeps claming that his haircut is a 90s popular haircut for men. give em the benefit of the doubt.
-regarding the autism part, he was also diagnosed late. just to add a bit more of pressure from also his parents, who never got why he would shut down and feel overly pressured. Especially during school. Straight As and all that junk.
- he vapes. (i stole this from a friend lmao) despite having asthma. this person is a mystery 
-Shit at driving, shit at shooting. He's got the whole package. Despite being in the army, he can't use guns for shit, and more than once ended up getting everyone around him in danger (mostly Paul. He did hit him in the face more than once.) He has a license but honestly, He doesnt even know how they got it themselves. Probably still out of luck
-He's somehow the science guy of the group, the one with more of a broader knowledge on more scientific stuff- with him taking notes on notebooks about his findings
- RA HCS!!! uh. He's the latest addition to it. He joined rather late compared to the others (Tord, Paul, Yuu and Yanov) and he almost joined as a joke at first, only to get accepted inside for some reasons. At first he was recruited as a substitute pilot for Yanov, as he was unavaliable at the time (broken arm lol), with Paul automatically becoming his co pilot, despite his COSTANT wishes to not get involved with a newbie. Yes, the plane he crashed in The Snogre was one of his first planes, and SOMEHOW managed to not get demoted and kicked on the spot.
- The fact that he cant personalize his army outfit drives him insane. also his favorite color is orange.
-Keeps a notebook where they write all the stuff he needs to remember. His memory isn't exactly the best, and has regrettably forgotten some important stuff but not malicious intent behind it. It's just a problem he has with his own memory. They also keep a page with all the stuff his friends - family like, dislike, how they would like to be approached and stuff. In that way he never forgets.
LMAO I probably do have more lying around somewhere, but I just cant recall right now AND this post is way too long already. Maybe just ask me about them lmao
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fraberry-stroobcake · 6 months
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I have a friend who was never taught how to take care of herself, including how to wash/brush/braid her hair, how to wash her face, how to care for acne, how to brush her teeth correctly, how to apply makeup and correctly wash it off, ect. In order to keep her anonymous and also get all the info (as I'm not one to do all the tutorials alone) I'm croudsourcing this info. If you're free, please pick a self care topic and write a simple tutorial on it. If you don't have time, well wishes are also appreciated.
hello, sorry for letting this sit in the inbox for 2 days, start of the week turned out to be much more draining than i expected it to be. So, maybe surprisingly for some, I myself am not very educated on these things (but this post aint about me). But I did try my best to find useful resources that could help your friend or anyone in that matter. remember, even if you had parents and maybe they even taught you some things it doesnt mean you know everything you probably should.
first of all, there are these two channels that might be very very helpful. I think I heard something about this concept before and it sounded so wholesome and interesting, but I just never looked into it myself. Here they are:
https://m.youtube.com/@momhowdoi4105
https://m.youtube.com/@DadhowdoI
These are two youtube channels who answer questions you'd usually ask a parent, i.e hey mom, how do i braid hair? (btw, turns out she literally has a video on that!!
youtube
yayy :D ). I'm sure if any other things cant be found in here specifically, you can find an answer if searched in a similar way.
for caring for your hair, i found this video right here:
youtube
and also this channel:
youtube
youtube
youtube
this is a professional hair stylist and he has a lot of videos about how to take care of your hair and your brush and other things, which seems super great! he seems to be quite aware of how much people might shove expensive products into your face that dont do much, but also he does recommend sticking to professionally used products that you'd know work well, so thats also good! he's pretty good at explaining complicating things in easy words, which definitely helps someone like me for sure.he also understands that everyone is different and it affects how and when you can and should do things, without feeling judged.
now, i probably havent done a lot, i hope the other people you reached out to could share a lot of tips how to do things and where to learn them. I wish you and your friend, and anyone else who might have needed this post to help look after themselves or anything like that the absolute best. you're all wonderful, you're all fantastic, even if you don't know how to do something. I hope you learn to ignore any judgement you might face from certain people and instead focus on receiving help frrom people who care about you getting better. all the love from this strawberry :)
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particular-one · 11 months
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HIIIIHIII Could i request a matchup .....? Enstars, twst and hypmic pls ...!!!
name is kitten or 🐏 emoji! i preferably dont use pronouns but she/her it/its are ok. i have no romantic preference in terms of fictional characters hahaaa.
my mbti is INTP, tho i tend to be the most "extroverted" one if placed in a room with other introverts. im also a 8w9 + virgo if that helps. also AB blood type though i dont see many people who believe in that stuff on here.
uhmmmm my personality. im pretty sociable for an introvert, but can get burnt out super quickly IRL (but i can talk for hours over text). due to the autism i cant express myself IRL but i make up for it a lot through the internet by being uhhh a real character online.
im like a bimbo with autistm and ADHD basically, airheaded cutesy girly, bad at filtering myself so i can definitely be rude/mean asf .. super bad attention span.. always with a friend. i Can like get carried away and get very mean to people im not friends with. overall im very temperamental and ive always been like "pretty girl but comes off rude/fake but shes also the class clown kinda". since humor just comes naturally to me kinda.
hobbies include: arts (drawing, making art dolls, sewing, designing outfits/costumes, fashion, ect). i used to do dancing and track running but had to stop due to health complications (im super low energy and cant be as active as most ppl). I LOVE idols so much too.
What i look in a partnerrr?? Uhh nobody shorted than me (162cm) just cuz i cant see them romantically no matter how hard i try. anything is ok honestly as long as I can talk to them for ages and theyre not too loud/chaotic. overall want someone to be as equally as down bad as i am with them for me (if not more haha)
misc ... uhh my favorite love language is acts of service. i dont have to force myself to do anything i struggle with like putting thoughts into words or trying to act affectionate (tho i do get cuteness aggression). i love recieving words of affirmation lmao i need the reminding that they do love me !!!!.
i lovee cats, BOBA i kind of have an addiction to it. cute stuff cute ppl ect... i dont rlly like public affection (its cringe asf seeing couples act lovey dovey in public Sory Im not doing that).
I WROTE SO MUCH SORRY i didnt even notice Please forgive me. uhh last bit of trivia umm. if i were half-animal id have bunny ears and a tail... or id be a deer. THATS IT OK SORRY.
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hi kitten! rrararararraa a hypmic AND enstars request?? im so excited :> and don't worry about rambling, it gives me a better idea on who i can match you with! hope you like them!
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ENSEMBLE STARS ---- SHU ITSUKI
⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆ shu's first meeting with you was not actually the first time he's seen you. your handiwork with fashion had piqued his interest for the longest time, but he never actually knew that it was you behind those pieces. so imagine his surprise when he finds out that the genius behind the designs was in fact, you! though shu came off as fussy at first, especially since he wanted to get close to you to observe how you perfected your designs, he gradually found himself enjoying your company more and more. when he finds out about your interest in idols, this amuses him greatly, considering he is one. he'd be the last to admit he likes you, but his behavior ends up changing for the better when he's around you. as a partner, shu can be a bit extravagant with the way he shows love, but he always remembers to keep it in private to respect your preference. he's a perfectionist, so he likes to plan out your activities together down to the tiniest detail, but that's because he wants you to have the best time. shu can be rather straightforward with his words as he doesn't beat around the bush — he doesn't have a filter at times either — but everything he says about you, he truly means them. shu likes admiring you while you're busy at work (he says he's doing it because he wants to see how you do things but secretly it's because he likes watching you do something you're passionate about) but there are days where the both of you would be in the same room working on your respective designs together! he asks for your inputs and vice versa, it's usually the most fun he has.
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TWISTED WONDERLAND ---- JAMIL VIPER
⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆ jamil was not your biggest fan when you first met — if he were being honest, you almost reminded him of kalim, and having another kalim was never good. still, you often get paired in tasks together that he had to get to know you eventually, and was he wrong about not liking you. though it took him quite a while to warm up to the idea of being in your company, he actually found himself looking forward to talking with you. surprise surprise, jamil's definitely the type of "he fell harder" in this situation. as a partner, jamil is most definitely not the publicly affectionate type. though it might seem he's keeping your relationship lowkey, it's mainly because he didn't want people (read: kalim) to make the biggest fuss about it. though he doesn't take you out that often, he's very loving and caring in private. though jamil never enjoyed the idea of serving someone, with you it was different. he'd find himself enjoying to cook your favorite food, help you out in your tasks without a word, and to make you feel as comfortable as possible. character development for him, tbh. when you tell him of your craving for boba, watch this man continuously try and succeed to making boba tea tailored to your preference.
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HYPNOSIS MIC ---- NEMU AOHITSUGI
⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆ nemu actually met you through a chance encounter in a mock rap battle during the tdd era as audience members. it was your personality that drew her in, but she was actually surprised by how blunt you were, but if she were being honest, your humor makes her laugh a lot. your relationship means the world to her, especially since she made sure that samatoki didn't interfere as much as possible. she loves her brother, but he can get carried away when it comes to her. nemu's definitely the one who ended up liking you first, but she's unsure on how to express this to you. as a partner, nemu is very, very sweet. she's scared of messing anything up, so she carefully plans everything in advance. when she finds out that you like cats, she actually comes forward with the idea of adopting a cat together with you! it became your bonding activity, with two of nemu's favorites in the entire world: the cat and of course, you. she has your favorite boba order/s memorized and likes to surprise you with getting some. nemu's the encouraging type, so expect a lot of comforting words from her. she's also the type who likes bringing you out to shop, whether it's for your art materials or for clothes, nemu likes hearing your inputs on the items you buy (or consider buying) and takes note of them so she can surprise you with them in the future.
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i think im aroace. i fit some of the criteria and generally i just have a very complicated and lengthy relationship with romance. im usually romance favorable except when im not. sometimes i feel like i cant be arospec because im not the same as my friends who are also aro. its somewhat disheartening because ive spent so much of my life wanting romance and wanting relationships and wanting to experience dating culture and i thought id get to have it one day because im capable of liking people sometimes but i cant handle it when someone likes me back and i know it cant be commitment issues because i have absolutely no qualms committing to platonic friendships and moderately sized life decisions but theres just something in the way of me having a normal allo love experience and i know this identity is something i should be proud of and sometimes it is! i absolutely love looking through the tags on tumblr and i love that i have a unique way of experiencing feelings and this label really does make me so happy! but i cant help but yearn for a simpler existence. why cant it just be a case of liking a guy called daniel and then him liking me back and then we date and break up and then i go for a one-night stand with a girl called melissa and then we date and break up and date again and i meet her parents and i tell her i love her and then we grow old together. ive just always wanted something straight out of a tv show or book or whatever but the world just looks so much narrower now and it feels so much harder to find someone that it can work out with. i dont know. i hate amatonormativity. and sorry for the negative energy. i just kinda needed to get this off my chest. thank you for the safe space.
For being different than your aro friends, it's important to remember the aro spectrum is really diverse. There's a lot of different ways to be aro. So when trying to figure out if the label is right for you or not, I wouldn't factor that in too much, instead I'd focus more on things like is the label useful for you? Do you feel a connection to it? Does alloromantic feel wrong to you? Because being alloromantic encompasses so many things, there's so many ways to fall outside that mold. So remember this is your journey, keep asking yourself what makes sense for you.
It's OK to have negative feelings about possibly being aro, or about not being able to have that allo-normative romance you thought you would. This can be a big adjustment for some people, not everyone can just say 'oh I'm aromantic and I'm going to live a different life than I thought I did/not have a lot of experiences I thought I would' and not be affected by that (some people do have different experiences, but it's really not unreasonable to have to work at dealing with that.)
Sometimes you need to mourn the life and experiences you thought you'd have. Sometimes it takes a little while to reframe your goals and expectations in life. Sometimes I like to say being aro often means forging your own path rather than following the one laid out for you, that can be really exciting learning about yourself and figuring out what you do excited by and want to do, but it's scary too. And it's OK to have all these feelings.
I think what you're doing right now though going through tumblr tags and finding a side of aro that you enjoy is really great and really good first step. Finding some blogs you like or some aro-centric media may help too (look into books and podcast lists, because that seems to be where the most aro characters are these days). This is always helpful, no matter where you land, because it just normalizes being aro, and makes it feel a lot less scary.
The other thing is just take your time. You're figuring out a lot of things right now, you don't have to rush anything. Things will get easier as you figure more out and you start to understand yourself better.
Feel free to send in another ask if you have more questions or want to talk more.
All the best!
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yknow. i dont talk abt being disabled a lot on here past making jokes but like
i was gointhrough emails on my uni account and deleting a lot of things, and watching my condition raipdly get worse in spring of 2021 through those was surrel. like i remember most of it because of constant recounting to the doctor's (the amount of doctor's messages too is wild), but it's also so weird for me to read an email to my Chinese lang prof telling her I couldn't participate in class that day because brain fog was so bad even after sleeping all fucking day.
like, in my mind, i went from a normal able bodied person to pretty severely disabled over the course of two years. i told my other disabled friends i hurt all the time and theyre like "well how long has this been going on" and i was like "oh two years, but im thinking maybe more. but i dont have chronic pain, it just Happens To Me" and this was BEFORE i had a chronic fatigue crash that cemented CFS in my body as a real and present thing. now i have to contend with it every day, along with the complications its brings.
now, i've been dealing with chronic pain for. an inordinate amount of years now. i've been disabled MUCH longer than i've been aware. the further back i think, the more i realize i've hurt and i either didnt realize that wasnt normal or i told people and they brushed me off.
my knees hyperextend. they have my whole life. (i had to go back and find picture evidence of this because my mom didnt remember) this causes a lot of pain on my feet, and has at least since middle school. i didnt like playing outside bc it hurt and was exhausting, but everyone assumed it was bc i was a bookworm and fat. i remember sitting next to the older family friend i was at the zoo with because both of our feet hurt from walking. i was 10. she was 60.
and i just wonder... how much did my doctor not notice??? i went through precocious puberty and she was never concerned. i started puberty at 7, and got my first period at 9. i havent grown since age 11. my tits are massive for my height bc THEY didnt stop growing until i was 21. she never mentioned my knees bending back, but she did mention my back/posture being a little weird (not weird enough to FIX apparently. ps i have a small unnatural curve of my spine, not sure if its scoliosis or not). my mom constantly feels guilty bc no one noticed, but tbf i never brought it up. i never thought i was hyperflexible/double jointed but it turns out i AM which means i was just a dumbass adhd kid who assumed everyone was like that.
and like. my joints are causing more and more problems. i started having more problems after my surgery as a result of the stress on my body, who knows what's gonna happen now that ive had covid??
i hyperextended my middle finger in my sleep and now it hurts to use. my right hip hyperextends and possibly subluxes on the regular and i cant fix it. my shoulders are WAY more mobile than they used to be, and i can force my left shoulder out of its socket to some degree while laying on it. the tips of my fingers bend super far down and my thumb apparently "looks like rubber" bc of how far i can bend/wiggle it.
idk, i had a point but i lost it. being disabled is weird and surreal for me, and most days i dont mind bc it makes me the funniest person in any room, but some days it REALLY fucking sucks
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sushiosims · 9 months
Text
Kurtis & Chaya
CHAPTER ONE
Kurtis and his friends are sitting in a bar waiting to head to the Fall Festival later that afternoon for pre drinks. Not that a Fall Festival was really a piss up, but any excuse right? 'Hey' Rez remembers, 'Cora and her friends want to meet us at the fest at 3? That cool?'
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'Mate...you are so wifed its unreal!' Kurtis jibes, mocking him good naturedly 'This was meant to be boys only!' 'Ah come on, be cool, you know this is the first girl I have liked' Rez says, narked slightly at Kurtis's comment 'Her friends better be hot then' Kurtis laughs good naturedly
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Rez stands up and walks away, shooting Kurtis a glare 'I'm away to get a beer, and you're just jealous mate. It won't be this when you finally let someone in instead of just fucking anything that moves'
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'Think I hit a nerve?' Kurtis asks, feeling a bit guilty, but still amused with himself ''Yeah maybe a bit, I think Rez was probably even more of a player than you before he met Cora' Zack confirms 'Also, don't shag any of her mates, cos Rez will get pissy about it' he warns
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'Bro...that hurts. You know I am just out here looking for true love' Kurtis smirks Zack bursts out laughing, 'Yeah, it will be a cold day in Hell when that happens' 'Ugh...you have so little faith, and you're supposed to be my mate'
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They all go home to get ready and Kurtis gets to the festival first...he slides up to the bar and is instantly attracted to the bar tender 'Hey, Sex on the Beach please?' he says cheekily She spins around and glares at him, recognition dawning on her
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'Kurtis?' she says 'Er...yeah, how do you know' he asks, he would remember meeting this girl before 'You are friends with my brother Nate, I've seen you on his social media, and you puked in my shoe at one of his afters, I think you may also have left a used condom on the patio'
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'Ahhhh, yeah. Good night that was' Kurtis reminisces 'Why weren't you there?' he asks 'Believe it or not I have better ways to spend my time than attend my little brothers thinly disguised high school ragers' Kurtis laughs 'Don't worry, I wouldn't sleep with my mates sister'
She laughs 'I like how you even think that you would know what to do with me' she raises an eyebrow as she pours the cocktail...
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'You know you are just turning me on even more right now? Right?' he says, only half joking 'Yep, that's my mission, turning on fuck boys at the bar' she smiles despite herself, she knew his reputation, and it was warranted. But she was enjoying the cheeky back and forth
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'Ok, I'll stop, but you are killing me, just so you know....You're Kara right? Nate was saying you are a some big Simfluencer, why you working here' She smiles, friendly now they had established a line 'My mate is running the festival, I am just helping out and plugging it'
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Nate and his friends join Kurtis at the bar just then Nate looks at Kurtis and says 'You better not be trying to shag my sister mate' 'He was' Kara calls over from the other side of the bar 'Dude...' Nate says, looking pissed off 'Not my sister man'
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'Calm down! First off, I didn't know it was your sister, and second of all...well yeah, I was, but I didn't know it was Kara! Honestly mate. I wouldn't dream of it!'
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This gets Jett's attention 'You shagged my sister' he says bluntly Kurtis and Nate burst out laughing 'Oh yeah, sorry buddy' 'Not funny mate, she still does my head in asking about you every single time I see her!'
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Cora and her friends join them, Kurtis finds himself chatting to Cora 'Look, I don't mean to be rude, but please, stay away from my friends ok? I really like Rez, and I want my friends and his friends to get on without any complications' she says, getting straight to the point
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'You don't even know me, I'm hurt!' he says, then stops joking when he sees Cora does not even flinch, he is not charming this one. 'Ok, ok fine...I won't try it on with any of them 'But seriously, get to know me before you judge me' She raises her brow 'I think I know enough'
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Kurtis cant help himself 'Hey, I'm Kurtis, can I get you a drink?' he asks Lana, giving her a half smile that turns her legs to jelly 'That would be lovely! Vodka lime please!' Cora looks over sharply 'Lana, Rez will get you a drink' and she shoots a warning look at Kurtis
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Jett comes and sits with Kurtis later on 'So who is your lucky victim tonight then?' he asks 'Fuck mate, I'm not allowed to sleep with anyone! Kara is off limits, Cora's mates are off limits...but I have my sights on someone now...' 'Poor girl...who is it?'
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Kurtis nods towards the stage 'Her' Jett bursts out laughing 'Venessa Jeong!? Fuck off mate, you have no chance, she's famous! She won't even talk to you' 'Watch me' Kurtis says smiling Jett shakes his head 'I wish I had your confidence buddy'
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Just before her set finishes Kurtis goes up on the stage, blagging his way past security, Venessa looks down at him, confused 'How did you get up here? Who are you?' She looks confused, but interested...he was really beautiful, and she likes beautiful things 'Hi, I'm Kurtis'
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He jumps up 'I work for Simsmopolitan as a press agent, and was wondering if you would be interested in my representing you?' She smirks, 'I already have PR, which I assume you must realise' 'Ah shame, but maybe we could discuss it over a drink? Maybe I can offer you...more'
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'Thank you, but no' she says smiling at him 'Fine...well it was lovely to meet you, you are even more stunning in person' He drops a soft, lingering kiss on her cheek, and Venessa's legs go weak, he smells so good. and his lips...he starts to walk away 'Wait!' she calls after him
Jett sits in the audience watching, smiling at the audacity and sheer charisma of his friend. He wishes he had that confidence...
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Within minutes they are backstage, pressed up against the wall 'Fuck, Kurtis! Not here, if anyone sees me it will be all over the media...do you live near here?' Kurtis pulls back and looks at her intensely...'Near enough' and the two rush out into the night
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They get back to Kurtis's home, and sit on the couch... 'Do you want a drink?' Kurtis asks, actually a bit nervous...this was an actual celebrity, could he really pull this off? She nods and turns to face him...
He looks down at her hand running up his leg, and looks at the way she is looking at him...oh yeah. He can pull this off. 'I could drink...' she says, heading over to the kitchen, shedding her clothes on the way He smiles and stands up, following her, pulling his shirt off
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He pulls a bottle of tequila out the cupboard, and puts down 2 shot glasses, and some slices of lemon and gestures to her to drink 'You first' she lifts the glass, hands it to him, and tips it into his mouth
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She takes the lemon and slides it into his mouth, leaning over and kissing him, the juice runs down her chin onto her collarbone, and he chases it with his mouth, making her breath catch
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Venessa can't take her eyes off of him, she runs her hand down his body and smiles 'Happy I'm here?' giving him a gentle squeeze 'You know it....' in one move Kurtis has Venessa against the worktop and is kissing her again, letting his nerves leave him. He knows what he is doing
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To be continued.... click below for chapter 2
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tw: derealization/dissociation, suicide
mostly venting, but also looking for advice
the past few months have been really hard for me. i realized my favorite person was abusive and toxic and lost him and all but one of our friends, then got very suddenly got into a relationship with my remaining friend. while i was in that relationship for two months, my mental health kind of crashed really horribly and i had a lot of episodes of derealization and suicidal thoughts. i guess that was too much for my partner to handle though, because we broke up and she called me toxic for only reaching out to her when i was in crisis. which, idk what to think about that really, because i kinda get where she was coming from but she was also the only person i had.
and now i have no one but my brother, but its different with him because we dont really get vulnerable around each other and im older than him so i feel like i cant break down around him.
ive felt so incredibly lonely. i have no friends and im haunted by the feeling that its all my fault. that i ruined it and lost all my friends because im selfish. i feel so guilty.
along with that, ive been not really feeling like myself and hating who i am. i want to be a different person. i want to start over. i want to start over so badly and not even to just fix what i fucked up i just want to have a completely different life.
and i know its really bad and fucked up but i wish there was more wrong with me. i wish something bad would happen to me. i want a reason to give up and scream and sob. sometimes i even wish my dissociation was worse so at least i could escape or live in my own head or wherever the fuck just so i dont have to live my stupid life.
and i know its even worse but i think most of all i want something wrong with me so people will help me and give me the attention i want. and i know im selfish but i just want someone to be able to take care of me. i dont want to work anymore im already so tired. i just want to do nothing all day i want to lay down i want to sleep.
Hi anon,
I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult time you've been going through. It sounds like you've experienced multiple losses and have been struggling with your mental health, feelings of loneliness, and a desire for a fresh start.
It's understandable that you feel lonely after losing your favorite person and friends. It's important to remember that relationships can be complicated, and sometimes people may not have the capacity to support us in the way we need. It's not necessarily your fault that these relationships didn't work out, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Loneliness can be incredibly challenging, but there are steps you can take to help build new connections and find support.
When it comes to wanting to be a different person or have a different life, it's natural to feel that way during difficult times. However, it's important to remember that personal growth and change can happen without completely starting over. Exploring new interests, setting small achievable goals, and focusing on self-care can all contribute to a sense of renewal and positive change.
It's also important to address the thoughts you mentioned about wishing something bad would happen to you or wanting attention from others. These thoughts can be a sign that you're in need of some additional support and care. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore your emotions, process your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies.
Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. While it may feel tough right now, with time, support, and self-care, it's possible to find healing, create meaningful connections, and discover new possibilities in life. Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.
I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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