#i rlly am exhausted tho and i rlly should go see a doctor soon :

[alittleemo]

my fatal flaw is going to sleep late every night of the week except for fridays, the one day i dont have literally anything to do the next day

#like every other school night its like 11:30 and later but on fridays?? In bed at 10 #yes im still on tumblr but thats bc im waiting for my sister to get out of the bathroom igenuinely think im going to sleep after that #like wtf why is this the one day im exhausted enough to go to sleep actually wait tag cancelled nvm its bc of the whole week #but like fr. It’s my current worst character trait /hj #i rlly am exhausted tho and i rlly should go see a doctor soon :/ #also since this is turning into a vent post i am sad bc my sister got a haircut and i did not #before that sounds rlly petty for context she has gotten 2 in the past four months andi have not gotten one since september #and It’s lowkey making me dysphoric at this point like i desperately would like a haircut and soon #But every time i bring it up to my mom I get a non answer which is v frustrating #i also had an apush final today that went not ideal but also like we literally aren’t finished w the curriculum yet??? #like sir our ap is in three school days you have two teaching days left and we have only gotten to ronald Reagan. #you are missing a good 20 years still. Bruh. #everything is happening all at once and i am j sludging through it yk? But its ok ill be fine in like a week im j tired #lee’s bullshit #vent post #tw rant #tw panic attack mention #wait did i delete that tag oh well whatever #long post #honestly this is a banger post i j got distracted in the tags /lh /hj

[pannil]

time for a rant about recent events

mentions of drugs and sex

idek if i posted about this but i found out on 1/14 that i am on academic suspension, aka i flunked out of school and cant come back for a year. the same day that i found out we had to move everything out of my dorm. im living with my sibling and their partner and their partner’s parents. we are still near my (former) school. i am still not sure if i have processed this completely. i felt a little relieved though. i dont have to worry about school work. i do feel a lot of guilt and shame and just bad in general. it took a lot to tell my dad but he accepted it even though he said hes disappointed. i dont rlly care about what he thinks tho.

i found a new doctor since my psych was on campus and she changed a bunch of my meds so now im on 5 dif meds plus birth control. im experiencing side effects of exhaustion though and i hate it so much, i dont have the energy to do anything these days :/ i feel sooooo drained 100% of the time, worse than usual. its so hard for me to stay awake and do things, the only time i can really get myself to draw or make art is when im high

. i have been smoking almost every night but i dont rlly feel bad about it bc it isnnt rlly messing up my life right now. i did buy two acid tabs tho. im looking to buy shrooms from someone soon. im so disappointed though bc some of my meds counteract the effects of the drugs.

i keep procrastinating finding a therapist, i need to do that rlly bad. i do feel proud becuase i uave done some adult things that i never thought id be able to do alone, aka make a doctors appt, go to the appt alone, etc. 

whenever im on campus it feels bittersweet. i am so sad about not living on campus but it makes me happy to be there. i hate the cold though, its so awful. 

i also dislike my job a lot. i would like to find a new one or a second job so i can make a lot of money and be set with rent when my lease starts. i am excited to get my gecko when i finally move in.

i feel very numb these days. idk, i feel like im in a trance much of the time, dissociating.

ive been trying to fuck so many guys recently. i feel insatiable. the last guy i had sex with was rather unpleasant. i didnt really want to continue after i walked into his room but i felt weird being like “wow i just suddenly feel like i dont want to have sex with you anymore, sorry.” Idk, thats probably bad but its not like i told him i didnt want to continue, i was the one that asked him to hook up. so its not his fault. i dont plan on seeing him again, hes really bad at sex and esoecially kissing. he put his entire mouth over mine and i hated it so much. anyways, i might be hooking up with this guy on thursday. ive been using condoms and stuff and i started birth control about 3 weeks ago so i should be okay i think.

#my post #personal #drug mention