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#i shall have to prepare myself bc SURELY someone will die
my-lunaberg · 1 year
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OKAYYYYYYYY okay, Im about to watch Tommys The Last Stream vod after I go for another quick walk, after that its just Tubbos stream which is probably just the same thing but from a different pov anyway, then its just the Syndicate End vod and then its just a two minute video of Ranboos end and then Im finally free. I really wish I could do this properly on my blog instead of having to do this in my notes app but I simply cannot wait another day. Im so hopped up on adrenaline rn i dont think I can sleep tonight, especially if I dont finally finish this. Also I have therapy tomorrow when Im writing this and I need to calm tf down before I show up at the therapists office all shaky n shit because of some minecraft roleplay. Its almost 6 pm rn and I shall be free of this nightmare before the clock strikes midnight. Amen.
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Tubbitch boi
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I dont even have anything to say man
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This is so upsetting dude
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I made it through these first 15 minutes with basically no pausing and I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate that bc I just know the second that joker starts talking to Dream I'll be pausing every 5 seconds
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Why the fuck does the prison look like it was under water for like a decade and now theres just barnacles n shit growing on everythinh
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YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABEY RIGHT ROUND
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DREAM
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Alright I took two minutes to mentally prepare myself now Im ready for this
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Wait why the fuck was he just hangin out in the main cell if he wasnt even expecting Tommy. weirdo behaviour
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PUNZ IS THERE AS WELL??? WERE THEY HAVING A DATE IN THE TORTURE BOX
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"IM READY TO FUCKING KILL THE BOTH OF YOU"
*long uncomfortable pause*
"Uhm... okay"
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It looks like Tommy is doing a good job stalling them so far so Im very curious how it goes from this to the stuff Ive read spoilers about
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Ouhhhhhh I wonder how hes gonna react to that dig at Spirittttttt.........
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Okay, no like verbal ouward reaction but that is what got him to start attacking Tommy
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I dont think Punz will care that Tommy tried to kill himself bc of Dream, I think hed find that kinda hot
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"The world doesnt fucking revolve around you"??? Bro Punz Boomer arc??? "Those darn zoomers wanting compassion and kindness after almost killing themselves
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"Youre insane to think everything revolves around you" hello?? says the guy who fancies himself a god and also thinks everyone but him and his boytoy deserve to die because theyre "simple-minded"
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OH NO i completely forgot, the nuke is not gonna hit them. this is allpretty much pointless
DAMN YOU JACK MANIFOLD
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Okay listen, Im a huge c!Dream sympathetizer and I know this is gonna end with him being presented in a sympathetic and pitiable light and Im gonna fall for it no matter what because of course I am but like, he has been so comically awful throughout this entire finale I am not expecting this to end in an actually satisfying way at all
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Oh that sly dog got him monologuing
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Girl help I dont remember pre-rp dsmp well enough to tell if Dream is embellishing shit and victimizing himself or not
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OKAY dream smp from Dreams pov lets gooooooo
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??? what.
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Bro Dream is not in his right mind hes so far away from his right mind he might as well be chillin in lmoonberg that guy is so mentally ill (source: I have like atleast 90% of his mentall illnesses for sure)
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what do you MEAN "know more"???
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Maybe Im just a simple minded nihilist but why does that matter man. Why die so you can "know more" when you can live and have like, a party with your buddies
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Honestly, I feel like Dreams motivations are so stupid at this point, like literally just make him someone who worships XD and is favoured by him or whatever and then also have him have this morbid curiosity about the stuff beyond the server and have him try and become god while appeasing his actual god in the hopes that he'll reveal his otherworldly knowledge to him or whatever idk man
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Hows Dream gonna grow old with the people he loves when he doesnt have fucking friends HAH got im
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No offense but why has most of this finale been Tommy philosophically waxing about how you should accept death even though all thats waiting for you on the other side is eternal torment with Dream responding by being like "but why though?? :(" when that has like, literally nothing to do with any of the Dream SMPs themes? Like, okay, theres been a ton of storylines obviously but the two main ones are definitely Tommy vs Dream (its essentially the throughline to all this bullshit) and Wilbur, Lmanberg and every single attempt at a country after that. Because of this I would say that the dsmps themes are Cycles of Violence and Legacy and when they intersect you occasionally get glimmers of this idea of History Repeating Itself.
The Legacy theme is insanely well executed, no notes, Im in love
The Cycles of Violence theme.... less so. I'll probably make a more detailed post about this in the future since I dont wanna waste too much time with this liveblog. But I personally think that if they wanted to pull this theme off while also making Dream sympathetic, he absolutely needed to be affected by the violence he inadvertently caused and the audience needs to actually see it in atleast one (1) scene that would be impossible to twist into something unsympathetic unless you were looking at it in bad faith. Dream being thrown in jail and subsequently physically tortured wouldve been a great opportunity for this kind of stuff like, I remember lurking in the fandom around this time, this was the point where plenty of people were starting to sympathize simply because of how inhumane the prison was. Like, if they werent gonna show him break a little in front of others for their perspectives, the least they couldve done was make like, a few short videos of Dream being alone, doing whatever, you wouldnt even need dialogue and then pepper those throughout the post-prison arcs. You could have one like two or three minute video right after Tommys visit where he maybe tries writing those stupid essays out of boredom before burning them and then some potatoes plop into the pool and you really get a sense for the emptyness and isolation of it. Another good one would be one showing how Quackity tortures him, or maybe one taking place right after one of the torture seassions with him starving and shaking and maybe trying to write a log or something but failing because everything hurts. Him being in the prison after hes escaped and made it his base again, watching it slowly decay and fall apart with him in it. They really dont have to be long, again, two or three minute videos wouldve done a lot of good here imo. And then you could also sprinkle in some monologues because as much as I like to make fun of the snake monologue in my head, it did give some much needed insight into Dreams perspective on all of this while making him a bit more sympathetic.
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Honestly, Dream is making some pretty reasonable points here (if you completely disregard all the context of the entire dsmp but still) but like dude, you cannot go around calling your teenage nemesis a pest that such obvious villain behaviour dude
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Im not gonna lie, i thought the very last final scene between Dream and Tommy would take place in a more, idk, intimate? place. Thats not the right word but whatever I cant think of anything else that fits. But like, they absolutely do not have a reason to leave so I guess this is just gonna continue with Tommy and Dream talking in this fucked up room of this fucked up prison while Punz is also right there
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Okay, I just got to the bit where Tommy says 'Im sorry' to Dream and I know a lot of people were upset by that bc they took it as him apologizing to his abusers for being 'abuse-worthy' if you wanna phrase it like that and thats not what I got from that at all. Like, its technically part of a very earnest emotional statement so his tone was kinda soft and apologetic but it really came across as an 'Im sorry you feel that way' kind of apology to me
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BRUH HE JUST KILLED HIM??? WHAT
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What the fuck is happening now
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Is this hell.
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NO ITS THE EARLY DREAM TEAM STREAMS THIS TRULY IS HELL
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Oh my god please tell me this wont go on for much longer I already watched like 30 hours of these boring ass guys dicking around back in late 2020 i cannot take a second more
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Bro why did they pick the part of the stream thats just Dream trying to figure out his fucking minecraft settings for this this isnt doing anything
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Please bring me back I dont wanna watch this boring shit
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What is ahppening
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Okay they revived him, are they gonna explain why his afterlife hell is just him watching the most boring minecraft streams on planet earth
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"It doesnt matter if I get horrifically traumatized because I'll just live forever :)"
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Okay I think Im starting to understand Dreams motivations here a bit more and they make more sense but its like, if you care so much about eliminating suffering why did you go out of your way to torment Tommy like that in exile. Like, i know its because you did want him to be your friend at some point and maybe you still do but you didnt like how he would never listen to you so you figured itd be better to just break him down mentally but like, I dont think that would be necessary for the long term goal of eliminating all death and suffering at all so, what
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Dude, he was not happy he was adjusting his minecraft settings
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What if he just started sobbed. Hes all smug like "well, im happy now :)" and then the dam jist breaks. wouldnt that be grand
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Hes fucking psychoanalyzing the green bitch this rules
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Im sorry man I was not envisioning this emotional final scene to be accompanied by Punz occasionally saying some bullshit in the background
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"George and Sapnap are still here" uh no, George literally isnt and last time we saw Sapnap he was making a deal with God to sacrifice his own life and afterlife to ensure that Dream would die and stay dead forever
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Oughhhhhhh this is great I can practically smell the insecurity coming off of him rn
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Oh god why is Tommy being like "you just wanted things to be simple [like they were in the past]" giving me a more complete understanding of myself as well this sucks I dont wanna be a c!Dream kinnie anymore >:(
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I dont think Tommy is wrong about what hes saying abt Dream at all here and I think this is a smart angle to focus on for making Dream seem more sympathetic but right now I definitely feel like its missing the crucial element of "yes, Dream just wants friends, friends who will do what he wants with minimal resistance because hes a control freak" yknow? Like, his need for absolute control all the time is one of his most prominent traits and him wanting to gain some understanding and control of death and other things beyond his comprehension actually lines up quite nicely with that, its just kinda getting muddled with Dreams statements about wanting to make everything better. Granted, he probably wouldnt want to admit that his version of "making everything better" is just making everyone listen to him bc hes god basically but still, I think his control freakiness needs to get addressed more explicitly and maybe it will be, weve still hot a few minutes but ehhhhh. I doubt it
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Honestly, ive grown to like Punz quite a bit eventhough he really hasnt done much but like, why the fuck is he here
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I realize that the dialogue in dsmp is always overwhelmingly improv but its just so odd and kinda bad in this conversation. I think its because out of context, the way both Dream and Tommy are phrasing things makes it seem like they were on more equal footing and both suffered equally during their conflict when thats just not the case and Im not a fan
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I think Ill tentatively take back all the stuff I said about how Dream shouldve been a worshipper of XD but i still think its a neat concept so I'll probably do something with that later
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Oh god why did they do that crown, Dreams skin already looks bad and silly enough. Oh well I take solace in knowing that all the fanart of this scene probably slaps
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OH I FORGOR ABOUT THE NUKES
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Punz is still there is he gonna say anything about the nuke thats about to hit
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Lookat these guys, never heard a nuke about to hit before
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Ohhhhhhh I thought that previous 'sorry' was the one Ive seen people upset about, but Im pretty sure its actually this one
Honestly, I still dont see why you would be upset about it outside of the fact that it is an abuse victim apologizing to his abuser but its like, idk man. I dont think a piece of media featuring a scene where that happens within a very specific context is doing abuse apologism, although I guess a lot of people would argue that the fact that Tommy is even reaching out to Dream after everything he did is abuse apologism and. Im not even gonna try to argue with them. I'll just say that I disagree and try to explain my perspective in some amount of detail, this will get pretty personal though, so watch out:
I was recently semi-diagnosed with a personality disorder and i probably have a bunch of other bullshit going on as well and not to armchair diagnose a fictional character but c!Dream definitely has that personality disorder and whatever other shit thats hiding inside my weird brain. His irrational, defensive thought processes, his contradictionary wants, his persistent need for control, his detached nature, his manipulation, the way he uses actual emotional pain as a tool for manipulation while keeping that pain at an arms length, even his weird monotone way of speaking, I relate to all of it. I have seen and related to a lot of mentally ill and neurodivergent and neurodivergent-coded characters and I have never felt as seen as now. He embodies my worst qualities turned up a few notches to make them even worse and then he has a weird god complex on top of all of that and yet, he still ends up being given sympathy, someone tries to understand him and offers him help. And idk, that just means a lot to me so I look at this whole thing a bit differently.
Also, while I get why some people are upset and I get peoples desire to critize this from a Doylist perspective because real people came up with this story in real life and that still has implications, even when the line between fiction and reality is thick enough to be considered a wall, from a Watsonian in-universe perspective its like, Dream is not a bad person for accepting help (or trying to accept help) when its being freely offered to him
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Okay wait but if the nuke still hit the prison and blew everything to shit what the hell did Jack do when he rewired the redstone at the launch thingy. Is the prison that close to the main smp I dont remember
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Oh man this is gonna take a hot second huh
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Okay we're back in Minecraft, Tommys punching a tree
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I hate the fact that Tommy doesnt atleast punch the entire tree down before making a crafting table
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OKAY IT IS DONE
I was gonna finish the whole series today but its almost 11pm and I a sleepy gal so i'll watch Tubbos pov tomorrow and the Syndicate vod and all that and also I'll probably give my thoughts on the ending in more detail after that. Right now I dont think I cant bare to write any more man, I just wrote like three or four decently detailed (for me) analyses about fucking bullshit basically in a row, my head literally hurts
So yeah, goodnight I'll be hopefully posting all of these posts tomorrow and I'll hopefully be peoperly liveblogging everything again
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seelestia · 2 years
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oh yes yes, that sounds perfect, i shall look for various buckets for all the tears you managed to gather :) /j
writers are not content churning bots and all readers need to keep that in mind! i’m sending all my loves to all the lovely writers like you in this app <3 <3 <3
what can i say, when i want something to be done i go all the way *shrugs* /lh /hj
ohhh your take on diluc is very interesting! i suppose based on his history, he does seem like the type to do that. mmm yeah he’s definitely not going to deal well with the aftermath of reader’s death. i can see him overworking himself and avoiding resting like a plague because resting means his brain will automatically think back to reader, and he can’t spiral down again. but either way, it won’t do well for his health ;(((
yesyes i love the inner turmoils in all those three scenarios for sure!!
xiao’s line “for once, Alatus doesn't think he can bear it any longer.” makes me imagine a continuation scene where he finally succumbs to his karmic debts right then and there... ;w;
kazuha’s line “Kazuha's heart is only one, but death seems to favor him so much that it keeps taking pieces of his soul little by little.” honestly broke a piece of my heart. my poor bby. he deserves so many hugs.
zhongli’s line "Even if it hurts." is just. sldkjflskjdf. i have no words, bc of course he endures, that’s just so him.
and lastly, yes - itto going through a series of emotions are so in character, cause i can totally see him not knowing what to do in the situation. from denial to anxious to desperate to anger and more denials *chefs kiss*
and the last lines for everyone’s part is just sldkfjsldf it’s like a jab to the chest (but a good kind of jab…. if that makes sense LOL)
speaking of fresh air, perhaps i should have traded one of the silent grievers for albedo. hmmm. it’s an interesting thought - how would albedo handle sadness and lost? ... ehe~ alrighty, i think i got one character i will want to put in the request for next time >:))
ps. oh gosh this got so long i'm so sorry sldfkjsldf please don't feel burdened to reply or anything i think i'm just rambling by this point aaa
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no worries, anon~ why should you apologize for rambling when i, too, am a chronic rambler myself??? (/lh) let's nerd out together !! 🤧
i feel like when someone sends the same request to several writers, it's to see which writer will get their request out the fastest, perhaps??? and that thought is messed up because writers and content creators are not robots :( thank you, anon, i'm always getting crushed by your love !! <3 (/g)
diluc our beloved... he has already done this once when his father passed and now that his lover is gone, he's resorted to the same pattern again? old habits die hard, they really do. hoyoverse and their love for making characters experience loss (/j)
AND OML. you specifically picked out your favorite part?!?! help, i have reached the peak of my bucket list as a writer??? i'm flopping on the ground like a fish fjwkfkkesd (/pos)
and yes, there's a reason the last lines are italicized~ they were supposed to be like an epiphanic jab somewhat? i have a weird habit of making the last lines hit the most like i just had to. 🤌
ooo, albedo? ah, yes, yet another silent griever who isolates himself from the rest of the world 👀 albedo is well-aware of the mortality within you, the fragility of your body, the impending doom that can claim you at any second if it so wishes, he knows that. albedo has prepared for it the moment he allowed himself to fall for you — or, that's what he thought.
after you're gone, his lab in dragonspine that used to be his second home now becomes his only home. people start to wonder, does the chief alchemist not bother at all about the death of his lover? he rarely ever comes down to mondstadt these days, almost never. but here in his lab is where albedo buries himself in memories of you, knowing that you were once here, bringing him cups of coffee and accompanying him during the cold nights — and he'd rather stay here than anywhere else.
when i open requests in the future, it looks like it's guaranteed i'd see an angsty request from you >:) and with our resident chief alchemist too gasps
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scarecrow-supremacy · 3 years
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A/N: Oookieee, so I decided to start writing a new fic bc I have great ideas for a story line. Yet I can’t bring myself I writing an actual beginning. Like I’ve already written some random chapters, but I can’t do anything with them because they don’t really make much sense without the context of the rest of the fic/my ideas. Like this chapters is where the romance/actual x reader gets into actual action. Hopefully you get the gist of what the plot is, and aren’t confused as hell from this part. Sorry if it’s a bit long, it’s around 4.8k-ish words. Enjoy 💜
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Hatake Kakashi wasn't one to celebrate his birthday.
He simply thought that they were foolish excuses to let loose and party. To Kakashi, birthdays were no reason to be happy and celebrate. They were just reminders of how long he had endured the pain of living. Each year marked another without the people he once held close in his heart. His father, his sensei, his teammates, and (y/n)...
The day that (y/n) gone on that horrible mission was his special day. The mission he was supposed to go on, but (y/n) filled in for because she wanted him to go celebrate with Gai and the others. So much for having the day of joy...Kakashi thought to himself mournfully.
With a great sigh, he grabbed the last of his belonging, shoving them in his mission pack. He'd promised to take his students out of a group mission for the day, but it had been mostly for selfish reasons. Kakashi had hoped that this would take his mind off of the weight in his soul, yet knowing that his efforts would be futile. The loss would never leave him, it would always follow him like a darned shadow. It would forever haunt him. There was not letting go of the horrors of his past.
Slowly, Kakashi strolled to the gates of Konoha to meet his kids, shoving his hands in his pockets as he mumbled a little tune under his breath. The dark cloudy sky and drizzling rain seemed to mirror how he felt inside.
Drip, drop. Drop, drop. Drop, drop.
Each raindrop fell upon the dirt paths of the town, dampening Kakashi's Jonin uniform. If only he'd gone on that mission, if only he hadn't let (y/n) take his place. If only so many things that happened hadn't. If only he felt whole again. He could feel the heavyweight of guilt on his shoulders, spreading pain throughout his body. Sure, Team 7 filled the void, but they could only do so much. If there is one thing I wish for, it is that these kids will grow up to be happy.
A soft smile played upon Kakashi's face as he approached the three teens. "KAKASHI-SENSEI!" His hyperactive blonde student, Uzumaki Naruto, yelled at him, "YOU'RE LATE-TTEBAYO!" He raised his fist in anger. Sakura glared at both Kakashi and Naruto, slapping the boy's back to calm him down. Off to the side stood Sasuke, his hands in his pockets as he briefly kicked the dirt and pebbles around him to form his clan's symbol. "Usuratonkachi," he grumbled at the group. To be honest, Kakashi did feel a little guilty about keeping the kids waiting for him. They were being held back just because he was wallowing in self-pity. And Kakashi felt ashamed of that; ordering his mind to push his thoughts further to the back of his mind.
Kotetsu and Izumo, guards of the gates, turned to the team and smiled in greeting. "The gate opening mechanism is broken, so we have to manually open the gates," they explained. "Heading out yet again, eh?" Kotetsu chuckled. "I thought you lot just came back from a mission. Ya leaving so soon?" Izumo asked. Naruto pumped his hand into the air, "Yeah! Dattebayo! It's only a C rank, but it'll be fun-ttebayo!"
He's a lot like you, eh Obito, Kakashi's mind wandered as he looked up at the clouded sky, a drop of rain fell upon his nose and slid down his mask. If only you, Minato-sensei, and Rin were here to see us in action. You would be proud.
But what about (y/n)? Part of Kakashi was surprised that he didn't think of her immediately. Did he still believe that she could've been alive? After the Hokage had told him that he'd lost contact with (y/n), Kakashi didn't know what to think. It had been 3,650 days since she left. 3,589 since she was supposed to come back. And 3,529 days since they fully lost contact. What were the chances she'd come back, alive or injured? Kakashi wanted to believe that she was still alive. Was that realistic?
"She's gone, Kakashi! You need to understand that!" He flashed back to when Asuma, Gai, and Kurenai had tried to slap some sense into him. Well actually, Kurenai had slapped him. "Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura gently tugged his sleeve, straining her arm up so her red umbrella would also cover his head. "Are you okay? You've been spacing out a lot lately." She whispered as she looked up at him.
"I'm fine, Rin," Kakashi weakly smiled, "It's nothing that you should worry about." Sakura flashed him a questioning look, "Rin?" Sucking the air, Kakashi's whole body tensed up, "Sorry." He looked away, turning his attention to the bickering Sasuke and Naruto. "Just a little mix-up, Sakura." He put on a fake smile, breaking up the boy's fight. "Let's go, shall we?"
"Alright! Shanaroo!"
"Dattebayo!"
Kotetsu and Izumo went to open the gates but stopped to exchange worrisome glances. "Someone just knocked from the other side of the gates. Which is weird because our list says that we shouldn't be expecting anybody." Izumo knit his eyebrows together. Kotetsu, who had been looking through a glass which allowed him to see the incomer, hastily urging Izumo to help him. "ANBU!" He had barked at his partner, "Bleeding! Dying, wounds, whatever! They need medical attention!" That had caught Kakashi's attention, he got ready to act as the guards opened up the gates, heaving on the rusted hinges. Yet he was not mentally prepared for what awaited on the other side of the grand doors.
There she stood. Uniform torn, stained and ripped up. The wakizashi sword that was strapped to her hip was blunt and scratched, the sheath dented. Skin scratched and bruised, wounds dripping with blood and gore. A long x shaped cut on the inner side of her left thigh. Gasping and choking for air, she started to wobble, blood dribbling down her limbs and stomach. The rain continued to fall, now hard and heavy; burning and searing the wounds of the lady. Yet she still managed to keep her face from wavering In an instant, Kakashi recognized who the woman was based on her cracked porcelain ANBU mask. (y/n).... "Sakura! Go alert the hospital. And you two boys, clear the way for Sakura so she can get there. Quickly!" Kakashi ordered them as he took the heavily wounded woman in his arms. Anger and fear coursed through Kakashi's veins as his heart thumped erratically. He could feel (y/n)'s body twitch in pain. "Izumo, go let Hokage-sama know that Ibara-hime has returned." Kakashi let out one last demand before zipping off to follow his kids.
"Kakashi..." (y/n) mumbled out his name, "Kakashi..." she shakily rose her hands up to gently cup his masked cheeks. "What is it?" He whispered, gently rubbing her skin through a torn patch of her ripped uniform. "Happy birthday, Hatake..." She softly breathed, her tight grip of Kakashi's chest loosened as her eyes dropped closed. Please don't die, (y/n)... I've waited all the fucking years. You aren't leaving me again. A tear formed in Kakashi's eye, flying off with the rain as he bolted towards the hospital. Stay with me a bit longer, will you?
"My sensei will be here any second with an ANBU woman in need of immediate medical attention!" Kakashi heard Sakura's voice quiver as he barged into the hospital. "I'm here, kids. Go to Gai-sensei and stay with him until I'm back." He quickly barked, flashing all of the nurses who flowed into the room a nervous look. "Please, help her. I'm begging you." He pleaded with the staff uncharacteristically. I need her to live. Need. "We do what we can, sir." One of the medic-nin nodded, putting (y/n)'s unconscious body onto the stretcher. If (y/n) lives, that would be the best birthday gift ever.
Kakashi jogged after the nurses and doctors, peering into the emergency clinic room through the window. "I'm sorry, Sir, but you won't be able to visit the lady until all the major injuries have been cleaned up and treated." A male nurse out his hand in his shoulder from behind. "But..! Okay..." Kakashi let out a sigh, "Isn't there any paperwork that needs to be filled out?"
The nurse shook his head, "The Hokage has come and is speaking to one of my colleagues about it. Don't worry about it. You won't have to take care of any of that." He tried to reassure the angsty shinobi, "The woman is part of the ANBU ranks, right? Her mask is of the uniform." Kakashi nodded his head, biting his lip inside of his mask, "Yeah...she is... but it's kinda complicated." The nurse raised his eyebrow but just shrugged. "Can I speak with the Hokage?" The Hatake requested. "Come this way," the other man sighed, leading him away.
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Kakashi let out a deep and long sigh as he held (y/n)'s scraped hand in his gloved ones. He had been told by the same nurse from before that (y/n) was in a decent state to accept visitors, yet was still unconscious. He could tell that the nurse was hiding something from him, but he was too worried about (y/n) to give it a second thought. Hesitantly, he brought her hand to his masked lips, gently pressing them against the fabric. "Ya know, (y/n). After you left, I decided to give those goddamn books a try. And you're right, they are addictive. Thanks for the gift," Kakashi sadly chuckled before pausing for a moment.
"Those books, they helped me a lot. They helped me get through my days, just like you told me."
"They also helped me realize something. They helped me realize that I don't hate you. I don't want to hate, and I never should've."
"I've realized that I was such a dick to you at the beginning and that it was all my fault that our relationship became how it was. I regret it... So when you wake up again, I just want to start over again. Maybe not entirely, but just so that we can leave all the hate behind us. How does that sound?"
Kakashi stared at the sleeping (y/n), her chest heaving up and how slowly and rhythmically. It hurt him to see her like that, her skin swollen in the places of the stitches and anointed bruises. "Listen, (y/n). I'd never been able to tell this to you while you're conscious, so I might as well let it out now. I...I love you." Kakashi rightly shut his uncovered eye. "After feeling your loss, my dumbass self finally realized how much you are worth. After they pass on, you and the others were all I had left. But then you also left me, that hurt like hell." His tone started to break.
"Lord Hokage told me about the whole fake-death move, and I was relieved that you weren't gone for good. And then we lost contact, everybody assumed the mission had been finished, and your squad sacrificed your lives for it. I couldn't let the fact that you could be a dead sink in. It didn't feel right. Gai, Asuma, and Kurenai tried to get me out of another depression cycle. Kurenai even went to the lengths of quite literally slapping some sense into me." Kakashi played with a loose strand of (y/n)'s (h/c) hair.
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The muscles of (y/n)'s hand twitched ever so slightly. Kakashi's drooping head snapped up; he'd almost fallen asleep in the chair. "(y/n)?" He murmured as her eyes started to flutter, "(y/n)?"
(y/n) chapped lip parted ever so slowly, taking a big breath of air, her (e/c) eyes squinting. "Hatake..?" She shakily managed to mumbled, her voice hoarse and dry. She tried to prop herself up on the bed, but Kakashi eased her back into her resting position. "Rest, (y/n), you're not ready to stress yourself yet." Kakashi to her, "I'll be back with a nurse and some water for you, alright?" (y/n) opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She simply looked down and nodded.
Moments later, Kakashi came back with the nurse and water. "Here," he carefully put the cup to her lip, gently tipping the cup, "Good." He turned to the nurse, who seemed to be scribbling something down from the little monitor to his clipboard. Kakashi's eyes followed the cord attached to it, to the long x shaped hash in (y/n)'s inner left thigh. What worried Kakashi was the anxious look on the nurse's face.
"(l/n)-san, your vitals are doing alright, but you'll have to stay here for a night or two just so that we can keep an eye on something's that may need monitoring." He curtly nodded his head, "Lord Hokage wished to speak to you. So, sir, that means you may have to leave."
Kakashi tried to reason with the other man, but (y/n) reached to weakly squeeze his thigh. "It's okay, Hatake. You can just drop by later." (y/n) tried to smile. "Fine," Kakashi grumbled, leaving the room and letting Hiruzen in.
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After what seemed like an eternity, Hiruzen came back out. "How's (y/n)?" Kakashi asked him impatiently. The Hokage put his hand on Kakashi's shoulder as if trying to soothe him, "She'll be better soon. Don't worry, alright." The silver-haired shinobi let out a small grunt, "I know that she'll get better with time. But what about now?"
Kakashi knew that Hiruzen loved (y/n) almost like a daughter, he cared about her deeply. Hence the elaborate cover-ups to protect (y/n) and her squad on the unconventionally lengthy mission. The Hatake could see the sadness that had tried to be tucked away in the Sarutobi's eyes. "The main concern of the moment is the poison in the gash on her left thigh. The medic-nins have tried to extract as much of it as possible, and try to find something that will counteract the effects." The elderly man explained to him. "Did they find an antidote?" Kakashi questioned.
"That is where the problem lies," Hiruzen explained, "There is a certain medicinal herb that is used alongside a jutsu to nullify the effects, as the poison has traces of chakra. We have a few medics on hand who support the skill to perform the jutsu, but we don't have the plant. Even so, that won't be a permanent cure." Kakashi knit his eyebrows together, "How would it not be a perfect cure? Plus, since there are traces of chakra, could we possibly track down the person who created the poison and make them fess up on the cure?" He questioned.
"Great thinking, but..." Hiruzen groaned, "(y/n) said that they performed a self-destruction jutsu just after striking her. He probably thought that it would be in their best interest to take their secrets to the grave with them." Kakashi cursed under his breath, "Fuck... This is terrible."
Hiruzen nodded in agreement, "No duh."
Kakashi's head shot up, "Uh?!"
The elder man's eyes widened, "Did I use the term correctly?! I'm trying to pick up on the phrases the kids are using these days..."
Kakashi gritted his teeth, "Right idea of the meaning, I guess. But the context and timing...wasn't quite fit." Looking ever so slightly dejected, "Oh...alright." Smoothening out the wrinkles in his robe and putting in his cob pipe, "Kakashi, if you are going to stay here with (y/n), could you at least pick up some good food. The food in the hospital canteen is quite bland." Kakashi nodded his head and obliged, only to be stopped in his tracks by Hiruzen.
"Kakashi, I'd like to ask you something?"
"What is it?"
"What caused your change in actions towards (y/n) change so much?"
"What do you mean?"
"I've observed you two whilst you were in the ANBU together, and you never got along that well. And suddenly you act so attached to her, Kakashi. You don't need to answer. It's just that as your leader, I want to understand what is going on in the heads of some of my most trusted people." Hiruzen explained to Kakashi, puffing out a cloud of smoke from his cob pipe.
Kakashi frowned from behind his mask, trying to figure out how to explain his change of feelings in a professional manner. "I think that after I was given the impression that she was gone, I noticed that I cared about her. It made me realize that I was wrong to not see how much she meant in my life." He tried, his voice fading off into a whisper. Hiruzen smiled and nodded, "You really are something else, Kakashi."
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Kakashi silently strolled over to Ichiraku's to grab some takeout. The paper lanterns lit the nearly empty streets of Konoha, creating a soft and soothing ambiance. The smell of the rain and moisture still clung to the air, the dirt roads had muddy dampness to them. "Yo! Kakashi, my eternal rival!" A boisterous and friendly voice greeted the said man. "Hey, Gai," Kakashi responded, he noticed his students sitting alongside each other and gave them a quick wave and smile. Naruto and Lee were arguing about who'd get Sakura. Sakura insisted that Sasuke would come around in her favor. Sasuke was quietly eating his food. And Neji and Tenten were discussing a new sword they saw in the windowsill of a weaponry shop.
"I'll take two eggplant miso soups with brown rice noodles," Kakashi leaned over the counter space between Lee and Naruto to order his meal, also effectively stopping the argument. "Thanks, Ayame," he thanked the daughter of Teuchi, owner of the quaint place. "No problem, Kakashi-san!" She chirped.
"Kakashi?" Gai raised his brushy brow, "Your kids told me about what happened this morning..." Kakashi sighed and pulled him aside so that they were at a comfortable distance, "It was (y/n)..." he told his best friend, "She's back and in the hospital because she's not in good health at the moment. I just came here to pick up a meal for her." Kakashi watched as Gai's jaw dropped, "(Y/N) IS ALIVE!" He exclaimed a touch too loud for his eternal rival's taste, "CAN I MEET HER?!" Tears of youthful joy waterfalled down the jumpsuit-clad man's cheeks. "I'll see if you can come tomorrow, alright Gai." Gai smiled broadly, "This is very...unusual. Youthful, nonetheless!" He grinned.
Kakashi rubbed the back of his head and nodded, "I'm glad she's back..." he murmured barely loud enough for Gai to hear. Knowingly, Gai patted Kakashi's back. "Oh! Yeah! Happy birthday, my youthful rival!" He gently punched his comrade's shoulder. A smile formed on Kakashi's lips, "Thanks, Gai." He flashed his eccentric friend his signature close-eyed smile.
"I'll see you later."
"Bye, Kakashi! Have a good night!"
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Knock knock, Kakashi rapt (y/n)'s door, "Can I come in?"
"Come in," (y/n) murmured, a small moan of pain escaping her lips, "Ouch..."
Kakashi quickly set the takeout on a little table, rushing to (y/n)'s side. He wrapped his arm tightly around her waist and helped her to the table. "I got us dinner because the food at the canteen isn't that good." He explained with a slight shrug. "Thanks, Hatake," a weak smile formed on her lips. The silvered-haired Jonin served them their meals. "Itadakimasu," they both mumbled.
Heavy tension filled the room as they ate in silence. (y/n) knew that Kakashi had his mask down, but didn't look up. "It's been a while..." Kakashi breathed, in hopes of hearing (y/n) speak, "Too long..." The kunoichi rested her forehead on her palm, "I- Yeah..." she mumbled, eyes growing classier by the second. So much for trying to start a conversation... Kakashi thought sadly as they resumed their meals without a word. The silence seemed to be killed him. Kami, it had been 10 goddamn years! 3650 days since he had gotten to talk to the woman. He missed her. Hell, he could even say that he missed all of their little spats. Hatake Kakashi missed everything about (y/n).
"I missed you..." was all Kakashi mumbled as he pushed his finished food away and pulled up his mask, "All these days, months, and years."
Hot tears slipped down (y/n)'s cheeks, forming a puddle on the table. "I-I came back be-because I didn't want-want to hurt you and the r-rest. Dying on passed down pain to the people who love you. I can't afford to c-carry the guilt of t-that." She mumbled shakily, "I promised to be back, a-and I held up the promise." Kakashi sadly smiled as he awkwardly reached under the table to gently caress (y/n)'s thigh.
"You care about others so much, but you should really take a moment to care about yourself, (y/n)." Kakashi scolded the injured kunoichi, "You had me scared for you; all those gashes and open wounds... You could've died," he knit his eyebrows together in worry. "Don't do that ever again."
(y/n)'s dull smile faltered as Kakashi spoke on, "Now you know how I felt when I saw you doing all those suicidal stunts back then on those missions. It was like you were in a hurry to die... I mean, I was too, but you did some seriously dumb shit," she giggled emptily. Kakashi sweat-dropped, "I see... I guess you are right..." (y/n) rolled her (e/c) eyes as the masked shinobi let out a drained sigh, "I'm always right, Hatake."
"Really, (l/n)? You've been through torturous pain, and you still act like a child." Kakashi groaned, "All these years..." (y/n) shot him a hard glare, "All these years and you still think you're in charge of me." He cast a confused look, "It's my duty to protect you, as a comrade." As a comrade... "I guess, but you're just annoying, Hatake," she huffed.
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"I'm sorry about ruining your birthday with my arrival and stuff. I probably ruined your plans with those kids." (y/n) looked down, breaking the silence that had fallen upon them, "I could hear you guys through the gate; they seemed pumped about going out. I'm sorry, I didn't think about the flaws in my whole plan." Kakashi's head snapped up from its resting position on the table, "It's fine, they don't even know it's my birthday," he paused, "But you planned to come here? As in, today in particular. With all those injuries, (l/n), you should've just tried to take care of yourself. My birthday isn't as important as your health."
The (y/n) shook her head, "I was going to stay at a small village pretty far from here before finally coming home. I planned to just heal up there and see how things went from there. I even considered settling down there. But that just didn't feel right," (y/n) face set in a frown, "Once I realized that your birthday wasn't that far off, I decided that I couldn't stay and needed to come back. I doubted I would even live to be back. But here I am..." she said with a soft wince of pain. "It was terrible, I hated every second of it," Her (s/t) fingers made their way to the raw mark on her inner thigh, “I’d already lost so much; there was nothing for me to lose at that point.” Kakashi's face softened as he understood what she meant. (y/n) wasn't put in the mission alone, she had her team. They all must've been killed with time.
"Ouch!" (y/n) yelped as she let out a moan of pain, clenching the fabric of her hospital-issued pajama pants. “Shh..." Kakashi whispered into her ear, quickly leaning in to soothe her, "What's causing all this pain?" He asked with a frown as (y/n) bit her lip. "It's the thing in your thigh, right? Lord Hokage and the nurse told me a bit about it. But I still don't fully understand it and how it can't fully be cured."
(y/n) buried her face in her hands, "Oh..." She mumbled, "The poison can't de be removed because it's already been inside of me too long. And since it is laced with chakra, the properties of it aren't completely like normal poison." She blinked back the stinging agonizing tears in her eyes, "The herb that I need is just going to ease the effects in my body, whilst the jutsu will seal it from triggering anything that was layered in with the chakra." (y/n) explained. Kakashi could tell she was trying her hardest to keep her face straight, pushing back the pain and hurting inside. "The thing is–"
"What?" Kakashi asked the pained woman, his tone soft and soothing, "I can help if I know what's going on."
Warily, (y/n) agreed to speak on, "The place where the mission was stationed at was just underground of the nuke-nin outpost I was from. And the guy who poisonous me was one of the other kids' experiments were done on, along with me. He was a few years older than us, and his name was Hiroto Myoga. His parents were in owed debt to the rogues, they were forced into being test subjects until they died. Which left Hiroto in the nuke-nin's hands." She rubbed the temple of her head pushing away the images that sent a shiver down her spine, "Something similar had happened in the case of my parents and me. But unlike me, when the ANBU did the raid, Hiroto was snuck away just in time."
Kakashi's heart sank as he heard what she was telling him. (y/n) had never known much about her past, the damned curse seal had caused. “Since he was older than most of the other kids there, the nuke-nin's of the outpost decided that they needed to trust their information. It was all precautionary, just in case they were taken down. And that's just what happened. Hiroto was the one ordered to put memory restriction curse seals on us, the kids, before he fled to be underground, where the actual harm was being done. That meant that all this time Hiroto had been working in those old plans." (y/n) closed her eyes tightly, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes.
With a subtle groan, Kakashi supported (y/n) up from the chair and rested her in her cot. "Don't stress yourself, (y/n). You can just tell me later; it's getting late anyway." He told her. "It's fine, Hatake. Letting this out helps me feel better." She reassured him.
"The ANBU caught wind of suspicious activity in that area and decided to send out a squad to go check out. I overheard Danzō arguing with Lord Hokage about it, and got interested. It was really dumb, but I just wanted to go to learn more about what happened in my past. I learned, but that can with lots of twists and turns. 10 years of going undercover..." (y/n)'s (e/c) eyes met Kakashi's single uncovered black one, "It wasn't long before Hiroto became suspicious of us, slowly narrowing the group down till it was just me." (y/n) took a deep breath and continued, "After Hiroto killed himself in our final fight, my curse seal was lifted. That's how I suddenly was able to remember all of the past. All of it."
A pit formed in Kakashi's stomach as he watched (y/n) cry in silence. He wanted to help her feel better, he really did. But he was afraid that he'd make things worse; dealing with feelings just wasn't his thing. "I'm here for you, (l/n). We've been through so much together, you've helped me through it all," Kakashi tried to reassure her, "It's my turn to look after you. Please, just don't cry." He reached out his hand to brush a tear-off of her streaked cheeks.
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“Are you okay with me staying here for the night?" Kakashi asked (y/n) as they sat at the bay window, looking down upon the empty moonlit streets of Konoha. The soft light cast down by the moon seemed to make everything look beautiful, serene, and at peace. "(l/n)?" He asked again, turning to look back at her. A gentle smile played on Kakashi's lips as he saw that she'd fallen asleep. (y/n) had been through so much throughout the day, she not only deserved to rest for a long time but also needed to. "Good night, (y/n)..." he carefully lifted the sleeping beauty and placed her on the cot. Sitting back at the bay seat, Kakashi took in a deep breath. "I love you."
She's finally back.
She's finally home.
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pxedpiper · 3 years
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Horizon (21)
Plot Summary: Once a princess of a kingdom you loathed to call yours, you have somehow found yourself aboard a pirate ship, stuck on the ocean waves. Now you try to figure out how to escape them, but as you continue to journey with them, you find yourself wondering if you even want to.
Pairings: Ateez x Reader (Kim Hongjoong x Reader)
Content Warnings: Mentions of death and sexual implications throughout the fic, nothing ever specified in detail
Previous / Masterlist / Next
A/N: Y'all ever just spend all night writing 23 pages of a chapter because you got possessed by the god of writing suddenly???? yeah that was me with this chapter bc HOOOOLYYY SHIT she's a long one! Not that I'm sure anyone will complain with that but like damn i really did go off here. Chapter warnings though: this does contain child abuse (though I don't think it's incredibly descriptive??? i tried my best) as well as uh smth near the end that i think y'all will like (eye emojis bc i'm on laptop) I hope you guys enjoy this EXTREMELY long chapter !!! i'm about to go pass out lmao
It wasn’t hard to corner Seonghwa; thanks to him spending a lot of time in the kitchen, it was easy to catch him during a time no one else was likely to interrupt. You casually strolled in, trying not to make it seem obvious that you were there for a reason.
“Hello, Seonghwa,” You greeted, “Are you busy?”
“Not terribly, just preparing dinner for later,” He replied, not looking at you, “I would like some help, however, if you’re willing.”
“No problem,” You jumped up, “What do you need?”
“Make sure these vegetables are cut up properly,” He instructed, handing you a kitchen knife, “It’s no dagger, but I don’t think I need to doubt your skills with a blade, now do I?”
You confirmed, “Jongho’s mother showed me what to do when we first went to his home, remember? I can handle this.” You began to chop the vegetables, letting a moment pass before you spoke up again. “Seonghwa?”
“Yes?” He answered absentmindedly, clearly focused on cooking.
“I couldn’t help but notice… Every time that Hongjoong brings up the possibility of seeing your families, you act differently. You and Yunho both, truly.” He froze in place at your words. “And I remember before, you told me it’d been six years since you’d last seen your family. I didn’t want to ask more at the time, because I was still new to the crew and didn’t want to pry, but I hope by now I’ve earned enough trust to be able to ask, Seonghwa.”
“It’s not a matter of trust,” He sighed, leaning forward onto the counter, “I don’t like to talk about it. It isn’t important, anyway.”
“Of course it’s important, it’s about you,” You replied, looking at him, “And I’d say it’s only fair, considering you know everything about my family. If you really don’t want me to know, then I’ll stop asking, but I think it might benefit the both of us if you still get upset over it.”
He was silent for a moment, thinking over your words, before sighing again, “I know by now you know the common theme amongst everyone in the crew, correct?”
“Yeah, that Hongjoong saved you all in some way,” You instantly responded, “It applies to me, too.”
“Well, I was the very first person he saved,” He began, “I was his first crewmate. He met me right as he’d stolen The Utopia from it’s former owner.���
“That recently?!” You were shocked, “That means you’ve known him since before he was the Pirate King!”
“Yes, Yunho and Mingi, as well,” Seonghwa nodded, “But I won’t go too deeply into that. You see, before I was a pirate, I was just a sailor, I’d go out sailing for food to help feed my family, my parents and little brother. But one day, a storm came with no warning, and we weren’t prepared. I was the only survivor of that crew.”
“Oh my god,” You almost whispered, “How did you survive?”
“To this day, I’m not sure,” Seonghwa admitted, “It was almost like I was meant to survive, like I wasn’t supposed to die there. Maybe one of Maddox’s tricks, now that I think about it, but who could tell for sure? The point is, I was alive, but still adrift in the middle of the ocean. I thought that if the storm didn’t kill me, surely the hunger or dehydration would. But that’s when Hongjoong came, barely managing the ship all on his own. He noticed me sailing on my own and brought me aboard, giving me something to eat and drink while he was at it.”
“That sounds like Hongjoong,” You smiled fondly, thinking of your captain.
Seonghwa matched your smile, “Yes, and I was so thankful. I felt as though I owed my life to him, and after finding out that he was in need of crewmates, I quickly volunteered to join. He was surprised, but not exactly in a position to turn it down. And thus, I became his quartermaster.”
You tilted your head slightly, “But, what about your family? What happened to them?”
“What, indeed,” He sighed, “I know you’re no stranger to how pirates are considered by the general public. I couldn’t go back as a pirate, what if they’d shame me or want no part of me anymore? Who could blame them if they did? I thought it better to just let them think I was dead, then they wouldn’t feel the shame of having a pirate as a son. But, even now…”
“You feel guilty over it,” You finished, catching on to what he was about to say, “Seonghwa, I really don’t think you need to worry. While, yes, maybe at the time they might’ve had a bad reaction, by now I’m sure they’d just be glad to know you’re alive, pirate or not. Maybe it’s time you finally saw them again, let them know you’re still here and thinking about them.”
“I can’t,” He shook his head, “At least, not now. I’m not ready to face them yet. Besides, with the war looming over our heads, there’s no guarantee I’d even survive, and how cruel would it be to show up in front of them only to die, this time genuinely? It’d be too much, for both me and them.”
“I understand,” You nodded gently, holding onto both of his hands, “I won’t tell you that we’ll definitely make it out of this, because I don’t know for sure, and we could all die in this war. But, I want you to promise me that if you make it out of the war alive, you’ll go find your family. They need the closure, and quite frankly, you need it, too. Can you do that for me, Seonghwa?”
“I… I’ll try,” Seonghwa hesitantly stated, “But I can’t promise anything. Let’s focus on winning this war first, shall we? Then we’ll see about me finding my family.”
“That’s good enough for me,” You grinned at him, “Now, do you still need help with dinner, or can you handle it by yourself?”
“I can take it from here, (Y/N),” He chuckled, almost as if he were amused. As you turned to leave the kitchen, you could hear him call after you, “(Y/N?)”
“Yes?” You turned to face him again.
He gave you a sincere smile, “Thank you. For listening.”
“It’s no problem,” You returned the smile with one of your own, “After all, what are friends for?”
~
Later, as you searched the ship for Yunho, you ran into someone near the bow of the ship. Looking up, you quickly saw that it was Eden.
“I’m so sorry, Captain Eden,” You quickly apologized, “I was looking for Yunho and wasn’t aware of my surroundings.”
“It’s fine,” The older man waved off, an almost disinterested look upon his face, “I was actually meaning to speak with you myself, Your Highness, without Hongjoong keeping watch over you. I had something to ask you.”
“Please, don’t call me by any titles, as I already said I have none,” You reminded, “But alright, what do you need?”
“How come you haven’t left the crew yet?” With that question, the mood changed so suddenly that you could hear a pin drop.
Unsure of what his meaning behind this question was, you hesitantly replied while trying to maintain a friendly air, “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t-!”
“I mean to say, how come you haven’t left the crew and freed them of this war yet?” Eden cut you off, doubling down on his question, “You know there’s no possible way for a ragtag group of pirates to win against the Royal Navy, why not just give yourself up and spare their lives?”
Dropping the friendly air, you narrowed your eyes and frowned at him, “And where exactly do you come off speaking like that when, quite frankly, it’s none of your business?”
“You asked for my help and my charge is your captain, so, quite frankly, it is my business,” He replied, matching the hostile air, “I agreed to help for his sake, not yours. You’ve given me no reason to believe you’re not a detriment to this crew.”
“Maddox said-!” You started, but were once again cut off.
Eden scoffed, “Maddox? You mean the madman down at Tortuga who you all now claim to be the ocean? Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“You said to Hongjoong earlier that you believed him because he knew better than to lie to you,” You argued, becoming increasingly more annoyed with Eden’s attitude the more he spoke.
“I did, yes, and I did believe him. I believe that he believes it, not that it actually happened. How you convinced him of such magic, I’m not sure, but I don’t care,” He responded, “I want you to leave Hongjoong and this crew, forever. They’re all too caught up in their love for you to realize that you’re leading them to their deaths, but if you truly care for them as much as you say you do, then you’ll go back home to your castle and call off this war.”
“How fucking dare you talk to me like that?” You stepped forward, enraged as you leaned in close to his face, “I may not have titles any longer, but I won’t be talked to in such a matter. Who exactly do you think you are to be giving me such an order?”
“Your captain’s captain, if you’ve already forgotten,” He returned your glare with one of his own.
You let out a slight scoff, “Yes, you’re his former captain, but you’re not mine. You have absolutely no authority over me, and so I don’t have to listen to a single fucking thing you have to say. I don’t care if you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it to you one way or another. Just you watch.”
“I’m telling you one last time, leave the crew and go back home, unless you want to see the crewmates you love so much die in front of your eyes,” He warned once again as you turned around, not backing down in the slightest.
Whipping around, you leaned in close once again, whispering harshly, “I’m not going anywhere, do you hear me? I made a promise to Hongjoong that I would stay on this ship, that I would never leave, and my promise to him means more to me than any authority you have over him!” Having finally had enough, you pushed past him, still fuming at how much he’d riled you up. Now you definitely needed to find Yunho, he always knew just how to calm you down.
~
Eden gave a small smirk as he watched the girl storm away, practically seeing the steam run out of her ears at how angry he’d gotten her.
Making his way over to Hongjoong’s quarters, he took a seat across the younger captain, “Well, she’s definitely a feisty one, that’s for certain.”
Hongjoong groaned, putting his quill down so he could put his head in his hands, “Don’t tell me you gave her one of your ‘tests’...”
“I had to make sure she was ready to fight alongside you all,” Eden replied, his tone almost innocent, “This is her family we’re going against after all, we can’t afford for her to pull any punches.”
“Yes, well, now I’m afraid she may end up punching you before anyone else, the way you do things,” Hongjoong sighed, leaning back in his chair, “So, what then? Did she meet your standards?”
“I think had we gotten anyone else we’d be in trouble,” Eden answered, not looking at his former student, “Despite her royal upbringing, she’s a perfect fit amongst you all. I guess you could call that irony, you being the Pirate King, and all.”
“Yeah, she was always a perfect fit, even if things started out rocky at first,” Hongjoong smiled softly, thinking of the girl that had taken his heart.
Eden didn’t miss the look on his face, speaking up, “I know you, Hongjoong, I know that look. And even if I didn’t, I could see it the minute I saw you with her. You’ve fallen for her, haven’t you?”
“Deeply,” Hongjoong admitted, not wanting to even try to argue it, “Like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve had… infatuations before-!”
“You’re telling me,” Eden scoffed, remembering some of the antics Hongjoong had gotten up to as a young teenager.
“But,” Hongjoong continued, giving a glare to his teacher, “It was never anything as… intense, as this. It’s almost indescribable, just every inch of my being wants to be near her. It was hell when she let herself get captured, Eden, pure hell. I barely know how to contain myself.”
“If you feel this strongly about her, you should tell her,” Eden advised, “It won’t do any good to just sit around on your feelings, letting them build up until they put you at a disadvantage. It’d be best to tell her the next time you see her.”
“We’re about to go to war, Eden,” Hongjoong sighed, “One or both of us very well could die, and then where would that leave us? What would be the point of confessing if we may not even live to see a future together?”
“Alright then, let’s think about it, shall we?” Eden humored his student, “Let’s go through the different scenarios. Number One, you live and she dies.” Just the mere thought of it caused Hongjoong to tighten his fists; he absolutely could not let that happen. “Now, would you want her to have died never knowing of your feelings, and have yourself live on knowing she never knew? Or would you at least want her to know before she passed, know that there was someone on Earth that loved her deeply?”
Hongjoong was silent, not knowing how to respond.
“Number Two,” Eden continued, “You die and she lives. Would you want her to live with the regret that you died for her, but never knowing why outside of you being her captain? Would you want her to live with that guilt?”
“No,” Hongjoong spoke softly, staring at the desk in front of him.
“Number Three, you both live. Then you can both live on happily as whatever you want, whether it be a pirate and his crewmate or as two civilians settling down in a town somewhere. It seems that there’s a pretty clear answer to me,” Eden concluded.
“You left one out,” Hongjoong pointed out, “We could both die. Then what?”
“What does it matter then, Hongjoong? You’re just trying to give yourself reasons not to tell her about how you feel,” Eden argued, “Besides, if you tell her now, at least you can say you had some time together, even if it was short. Some time is better than none at all, you’ll do well to remember that. You need to tell her, Hongjoong, before it’s too late.”
Hongjoong was silent for a moment before he sighed, “I’ll think about it. Besides, I don’t even know if she feels the same way.”
“She definitely feels the same way, she was damn near ready to kill me when I told her to leave you and the ship,” Eden scoffed.
“Right, well-!” Hongjoong continued the work he was doing, then paused, “Wait, you did what?”
~
You were still steaming with anger as you tried to find Yunho, almost missing the blue haired boy as he ran into you as well.
“Hey, watch it there,” He chuckled, clearly not upset until he saw that you were, “What’s wrong? Did Wooyoung call you princess again?”
“No, it’s not that, it’s that I can’t believe that Hongjoong was raised by such a rude, no-good, infuriating bilgerat of a man,” You ranted, anger still clouding your head.
“Okay, let’s calm down a bit before he hears you, I doubt that’ll make the situation better,” Yunho grabbed onto your shoulders and tried to calm you down, “Let’s go to the railing and talk, alright? Like how we used to back when you first came on board.”
“Alright,” You nodded, taking deep breaths to calm down, “Let’s go.” Once you were at the railing where you liked to watch over the ocean, you informed Yunho of your altercation with Eden, relaying every detail.
“Ah, it seems you’ve been given one of Eden’s ‘tests’,” Yunho chuckled, understanding the situation now, “Don’t take it to heart, he likely meant none of it. It’s just what he does to every new crew member, to make sure Hongjoong isn’t surrounded by anyone who’ll hurt him. It’s like you said, the man’s like his father, and he wants what’s best for him, even if neither of them will admit it. He can take it a bit far though, damn near almost got killed by San for doing the same thing.”
“I think I’ve had quite enough of people giving me tests,” You grumbled, thinking of when Maddox had sent the storm to test your willpower on your first voyage to Elysia.
“Yeah, I don’t blame you!” Yunho laughed, “But like I said, he meant none of it. If anything, he probably respects you more now due to your response. You put Hongjoong before him, which is what every crew member should do for their captain. For once, your temper actually worked in your favor.”
“Oh, shut up,” You stuck your tongue out at him playfully before you both burst into laughter at your antics. It was silent between you two, before you spoke up again, “You know, this is a lot like before, you and me at this railing while you tried to calm me down. I didn’t trust anyone back then, but now I trust you all with my life, isn’t it funny how things turn out?”
“Yeah, I remember,” Yunho smiled, gazing out into the ocean, “Nearly thought you’d and Yeosang would end up killing each other, the way you two fought. Now here you both are, ready to fight side by side. I’m almost proud.”
“I have something to admit,” You started, “Nothing bad, but when we last saw Maddox, he gave me a mission of sorts. He told me to get close to every crew member, to find out everything I could about them, to strengthen our bonds, I assume. If I’m being honest, I’d almost forgotten about it because it seemed to happen naturally, but there’s one more person I still don’t know a lot about, and that’s you, Yunho. And, I figured, you were the first person on this ship that I began to trust, so how fitting is it that you’re the last person that trusts in me?”
“If I’m being honest, I kinda figured that’s what you were doing,” Yunho admitted, “And, well, I suppose it was going to happen sooner or later that I’d tell you my past. I don’t mind telling you, but I’m afraid it’s quite bittersweet. Not tragic, like Mingi’s, San’s, Yeosang’s, and Wooyoung’s, or complicated as Seonghwa’s. Just… bittersweet.”
“I’m listening,” You encouraged, holding onto his hand.
“I used to live in a small town, way far away from here, clearly, with my father and younger brother,” Yunho began, “My mother died when my brother was very young and I’m sorry to say he went not too long after. I was fairly young myself, so it didn’t really impact me as much as it would now, but it changed something within my father. He became increasingly overprotective, to the point where I was essentially being kept captive in my own home. I wasn’t allowed to go out, and anytime I tried I’d get yelled at. I’m sure you can relate to that feeling.” He looked at you, the smile on his face not matching his words. You merely nodded, allowing him to continue.
“However, try as he might, he couldn’t stop me from looking out my window at night and seeing the stars, all sparkling and beautiful. Sometimes, if I was lucky, I’d sneak outside my home through the window and climb up onto the roof to be able to get a better look. I guess if you wanted to be poetic about it, you could say the stars were my first love,” Yunho had a fond look on his face as he told the story, “And so, from the minute I learned to read, I spent all my time learning about the stars and anything that comes with it. That’s how I learned to be a navigator; my love for the stars was the very thing that gave me my role on this ship. And that’s where Hongjoong comes in.”
“Hongjoong and Seonghwa had just made it to shore when I saw them; my former home was by the ocean,” Yunho continued, “They’d just met themselves, I believe, as I remember them telling me that Seonghwa had just become Hongjoong’s first crewmember. They’d stayed in town for a few days before they spotted me, looking at them through the window. I still don’t know what possessed Hongjoong to try to talk to me, but he walked right up to the window and introduced himself, Seonghwa trailing behind him, trying to stop him. I was surprised they’d even bothered, but I was overjoyed, as well. They were the first people beside my father who’d actually talked to me. I told them about myself, and why I was stuck inside, and you wouldn’t believe how angry Hongjoong got, him and Seonghwa both. They both promised that they’d find a way to bust me out, and that I could go with them as a pirate as their third member. Well, it didn’t take much to convince me, that’s for sure. I agreed instantly, and they set their plan for that night.”
“Once it was dark, Seonghwa caused a distraction, luring my father outside and away from the house, while Hongjoong snuck in and helped me carry whatever I needed out to the ship. Once we made it out, Hongjoong gave some sort of signal to Seonghwa to let him know that we were in the clear, and Seonghwa snuck away from my father. By the time he made it back home, I was already on the ship. I never knew what he did when he realized I was gone, or even what became of him. I joined the crew as their navigator and never looked back since,” Yunho concluded, “I don’t really feel bad about it, because I know I’m a lot better off than I would’ve been back there, but at the same time, I feel for the poor man, you know? His wife and child die, and his only remaining son runs off, never to be seen again. If I didn’t remember how bad it was, I might’ve been inclined to return, but as it stands, I don’t really ever want to see him again. I’m happy now, I don’t really need any sort of closure, not any he could give me anyway.”
You nodded for a second, understanding, “We’re a lot more alike than I thought, our stories are so similar. Now I understand what you meant when you said that you know how I felt back when we first talked.”
“It takes one to know one,” He agreed, still looking off into the ocean, “Though, I will say, it is nice to finally let it off my chest again. The crew knows, of course, but… I suppose it takes someone who knows exactly what it’s like to be locked away from the world to fully understand the weight of it. I’m glad you were the one I could properly talk about it with.”
“It’s no problem,” You smiled at him, giving him a slight nudge, “Consider it returning the favor for listening to me talk back then. Now we’re even.”
“Now we’re even,” He nodded, smiling himself, “Now, let’s go join the rest of the crew, shall we? I suppose by now Hongjoong will have found out what Eden said and demand he give you an apology, so let’s see how the rest of the crews make fun of him this time.”
~
The rest of the trip to Eysia was calm, unlike the first time when Maddox had created that storm to test you. This time, there were no tests, only calm waters as you reached the island.
“The water is calmer than usual,” You pointed out, “Almost as if it’s expecting us.”
“You think Maddox knows we’re coming to see him?” Wooyoung asked, looking out into the water.
Yeosang replied, “It’d be a shock if he doesn’t, he seems to know everything, doesn’t he?”
“Well, he is the ocean,” You shrugged, “He probably hears us talking right now. I guess we’ll know for sure in a bit. We’re reaching land.”
“I still can’t believe there was such an opening amongst those rocks,” Eden frowned, but not in contempt, but rather confusion, “How’d you manage to spot it the first time?”
“That would be thanks to (Y/N),” Hongjoong came up, a proud smile on his face, “She’s got an amazing eye, she’s the best lookout we could’ve asked for.” Flustered at the praise, you looked down and smiled, not meeting Hongjoong’s eyes. “Now, are we ready? We’re heading to shore now. Who’s coming? I know (Y/N) is joining.”
“Captain, do you even need to ask? Of course the whole crew is coming,” San sighed exaggeratedly, as if he was tired of Hongjoong not knowing what to expect from them.
“Yeah, I just hope that we actually get to go in the cool looking cave this time and not be forced to wait while (Y/N) goes in alone again,” Wooyoung added, pouting at the memory of the last time the crew was at Elysia.
“I’ll be going as well, as Captain of my own crew,” Eden told Hongjoong, turning to look at him, “I’ll need to meet him for myself if we’re truly to get help from him.”
“Understood,” Hongjoong nodded, “Let’s go, then.” Once you made it off the ship onto dry land, you were met with a familiar face.
“Welcome back,” Elysian greeted, a genuine smile on his face, “It’s nice to see you again. And welcome to you, Eden. It’s nice to meet you for the first time.”
“Right, you as well,” He answered somewhat awkwardly, “I’m guessing you’re the Elysian they’ve told me about, then.”
“That’s correct. Like what Maddox is to the ocean, I am to this island, thanks to (Y/N),” He shot you a grateful smile, “Now, I understand you all find yourselves in a tricky situation. Maddox is expecting you all.”
“Yes!” You could hear Wooyoung softly cheer to himself.
“Lead the way,” Hongjoong said, ignoring Wooyoung’s little outburst. It didn’t take long until you were back in the cove from before, where you last met with Maddox, this time surrounded by the crew you’ve come to love.
Said man smiled at you, having been waiting, “Hello, again, (Y/N). It’s been quite some time.”
“But not for you, has it?” You guessed, “You’ve been seeing everything we’ve gone through since we left, haven’t you?”
“That’s correct,” He nodded, the smile on his face not fading.
“Damn lot of good you were, we could’ve used your help during some of the things we went through,” Mingi scoffed.
“We could use your help now,” Hongjoong added on, looking at him with a determined look.
“I could not and cannot be involved,” Maddox answered, “If I were to, I’d be disrupting things too much and fate would be changed. Things must follow a certain path, and I must remain impartial as the deity of the ocean. In some small cases, I can alter things to fit fate’s path, but anything of this magnitude I must stay out of.”
“So, you’re essentially saying you’re useless,” Eden spoke dryly, arms crossed as he looked annoyed.
“Not necessarily,” Maddox contested, “(Y/N), Hongjoong, could you two please step forward?” Looking at each other, the two of you did what he said. “(Y/N), I promised you that the next time we met, I’d tell you everything about how the two of you met before and how neither remember. It’s time I keep that promise.”
“We already have a suspicion,” Hongjoong spoke, “A dream I had, we think it’s a memory of our first meeting.”
“You’d be right,” Maddox nodded, “But it’s not the full story. The truth is, I was the one who wiped both of your memories.”
“You what?” The both of you spoke at once, shocked at the information he’d just given you.
“The two of you met before you were ever supposed to,” Maddox began to elaborate, “Sometimes, things like that happen naturally, which is why it’s my job to fix them so fate doesn’t end up changing. I had to wipe your memories of each other to make sure that when you met again, you’d be complete strangers.”
“Well, can you give us those memories back?” You asked, “Or, at least tell us what happened?”
“I can,” He confirmed, “It won’t hurt fate for you to know now that you’ve met and grown close as intended. If you both wish it, I can return your memories back right now.”
You looked to Hongjoong, who nodded, “Do it. I need, no, we need to know.”
“Very well, then.” Maddox spoke, “Then, I’ll need you both to close your eyes, and think back to when you were children…”
~
“(Y/N), are you sure we should’ve snuck away from the guards?” Your brother asked you worriedly, “I mean, they were given to us for a reason!”
“Oh, relax!” You laughed, practically skipping in the town square, “We’re the prince and princess, we should know about how our kingdom works, and what better way to learn than to see it firsthand? Come on, this helps you more than me, you’re the one who’s going to be king after all!”
“Hey,” He stopped you, grabbing onto your shoulder so you could face him, “I know Mother and Father remind you of that all the time, but you don’t need to remind me. Once I’m king, I’ll make sure you have some sort of power, not be some bride they think they can marry off.”
Smiling, you took his hand, “Well, that’s very sweet of you, but we’re here to have fun, not talk about what kind of king you’ll be. Now, come on, let’s go see what’s out there!” You led your brother away, running down the streets as you both laughed and giggled. You were twelve years old, and your brother fourteen, and it felt like the world was before you as you both took in the sights and sounds of the town. It wasn’t as grand as you were expecting, but it was something different than the castle walls, and that alone was enough to get you excited. However, it wasn’t long before that excitement came crashing down.
There was a crowd gathering in the street, and you could hear someone’s cries in the middle of it, it sounded like a young boy’s. Making your way through the crowd, you pushed your way up front where you could finally see what was happening; a young boy around your age with light red hair was getting whipped and kicked around by people much older and heavier than him, and everyone only seemed to be watching. He was covered in blood and mud, and you could see scars littering his body which told you that this wasn’t the first time this had occurred.
You whispered to your brother, who had caught up to you, “What’s going on? What are those men doing to him?”
“Those are slave traders,” He whispered back, “I didn’t know there were any in this kingdom, they sell people off and treat them terribly. Looks like that one got him mad about something, he’s giving him a real beating…” In horror, all you could do was watch as one of the older men kicked the boy again, causing him to spit out blood upon impact.
“How come everyone’s just watching, why don’t they do anything?” You hissed, growing increasingly angry at all the people just standing idly by.
“Look at him, what do you expect them to do? They can’t just take him in a fight, and I’m sure he’s probably got some dirt on all of them to keep them quiet. All they can do is watch.” At this, another blow was dealt, and you’d finally had enough.
“Well, I can’t watch this! Come on!” Without thinking, you quickly rushed towards the boy and grabbed his hand, ignoring your brother’s instant cry of your name. “Come on, get up!” You rushed, taking advantage of the fact the slave traders seemed so shocked, he’d frozen in place. Quickly as he can, the boy rose to his feet, and at an instant you were off, holding onto the boy’s hand as you took off running, your brother quickly following.
“Quickly, follow me!” You urged, knowing you were likely to be chased, “We can’t let them catch us!”
“(Y/N), you’re going to get us in trouble!” You brother hissed out, managing to keep up with your pace, “What are you thinking?!”
“Run now, talk later!” You answered, continuing to run.
Your brother admonished, “Do you know what you’ve just caused?!”
“How was I supposed to just leave him there, he’s all bloody!” You argued, gesturing to the boy, who’d remained quiet, confused on what was happening, “They would’ve beaten him until he died! He’s not that much younger than you, you know!”
“I-!” Realizing you were right, your brother sighed, “Alright, fine! But when Mother and Father find out, it’ll be on your head!”
“That’s fine with me, now let’s go!” Quickly, the three of you found a small alley to hide in for the time being. It was then you turned to smile at the boy, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you make it somewhere safe, alright? Just trust me. What’s your name?”
You could see that he was still slightly hesitant, but he spoke in a soft voice, “...My name is Hongjoong. Kim Hongjoong.”
“I’m (Y/N), and this worrywart is my brother (B/N)!” You introduced yourself and your brother, continuing to try to make the boy more comfortable with the two of you.
“You mean… the prince and princess of the kingdom?!” The boy’s, Hongjoong’s, eyes widened as he realized who he was in the company of.
“That’s right! Which means you’re the safest with us!” You grinned, “Hey, how old are you, anyway? You look pretty young to me…”
“I’m… twelve years old… I think…” He trailed off, not knowing for sure what his actual age was since he never knew his parents.
Your grin widened, “Hey, that means you’re the same age as me! That’s amazing!”
“(Y/N), we need to know what to do with him before the slave traders come and find us,” Your brother reminded you, “We need to think, fast.”
“Well, can’t he just stay with us in the castle?” You frowned, not wanting to part with your new friend, “That way he won’t go back to being a slave!”
“Look at him, do you really think Mother and Father would agree to letting him stay in the castle?” You pouted, but as much as you hated to admit it, your brother had a point. With how grimy and bloody Hongjoong was, there was no way your parents wouldn’t turn him away at an instant. Just as you were about to speak up again, you could hear the slave traders beginning to catch up.
“Quick, no time to talk, let’s go!” You grabbed onto Hongjoong’s hand again and ran, your brother following close behind. You made it to the docks, where you could see a ship loading it’s cargo and saw an opportunity. “Hongjoong, go on that boat! Hide in a barrel or something, but make sure you get on that ship, alright? It’s your best chance to escape!”
“But, what about you two?” Hongjoong asked, uncertain about the situation, “What will you do?”
“Don’t worry about us, we have guards looking for us,” You assured, “We’ll be fine, just have to deal with a bigger punishment from our mother than usual, is all. You’re what matters here, Hongjoong, if you don’t go now, you might not have another chance! Now go!”
He made his way to sneak onto the ship, but turned back to face you again, “Will we meet again?”
You smiled, glad to know he wanted to see you again, “I’m sure that someday, we will. Now, go on then! Be free!” He nodded quickly, giving you a smile in thanks, before he rushed out into the cargo hold and hid from view. Just then, you heard the slave traders catch up behind you, clearly out of breath.
“There they are!” One called out, “Where’s the merchandise?”
“You’re too late!” You provoked, “He’s long gone from here. Now you can’t ever hurt him ever again!”
“Why you rotten little…” The man tried to march towards you, but stopped at your brother’s words.
“Ah, ah, you wouldn’t want to hurt the prince and princess of the kingdom, would you? Especially not with the guards right behind you?” Turning around, the slave traders did indeed find the guards that were looking for you both behind them, looking none too pleased at the situation they were looking at.
The wind blew as you grinned. It seemed like karma really did exist after all. But oddly enough, it seemed like you were already forgetting what you were so happy about…
~
Your mother slapped you across the face, the impact making you land heavily on the tiled ground. You didn’t look up, refusing to meet your eyes as you touched your stinging cheek, your brother standing right behind you.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! Not only did you sneak away from your guards, you caused a scene in the middle of the square, right in front of everyone, and even dragged your poor brother into it with you! Do you know how much shame this brings both us and him?! You stupid, stupid child!” Your mother continued to yell, hurling insults as you stayed on the floor.
“I just…” You spoke softly, trying to remember what you had done in the first place.
“Just what? What explanation could you possibly have?!”
“I-I don’t remember.” You looked away again, knowing you just made things worse.
Your mother scoffed, “You don’t remember? How could you not remember what just happened today? Horrible child, and it’s a question of why (B/N) will be the one in charge?”
“Well, then tell me!” You raised your voice unexpectedly, “Tell me what it was that was so terrible, that it makes me a horrible child!”
“I- Well-!” It was clear that your mother either wasn’t expecting that response, but it only infuriated her more, “Idiotic girl, you should know what it was! I shouldn’t have to tell you of your own wrongdoings!” It was clear that she didn’t know either, but you didn’t notice at the time.
“Why not, it’s never stopped you before!” You fought back, clearly having had enough of this treatment.
“Enough!” Your father spoke up, having watched the whole ordeal, “(Y/N), you’re not to step foot outside of these castle walls, do you understand me? Clearly you’ve proven that you can’t be trusted to go out, not even with your brother.”
“What?! But what about (B/N)?! He joined me, too!”
“(B/N) is going to be king someday, he needs to be out in the town for the people to know and trust him.”
“But that’s not fair!” You argued, close to tears at this point. “You always treat him better than me! We’re both just as guilty of the same thing!”
“That’s enough, (Y/N)! My word is final!” Your father shouted, “Now, go to your room while your mother and I think of a proper punishment for (B/N).” Tears welling up in your eyes, you quickly ran back to your room, slamming the doors behind you and not letting anyone else inside as you cried.
~
Meanwhile, with Hongjoong, he now stood in front of Eden, who had found him stowing away in the cargo hold, and was now staring down in front of him with a cold look.
“Now, let me get this straight,” The older man spoke slowly, “You are a former slave, who managed to find the courage to escape his tormentors, and stowed away on this ship to find freedom? Did you just plan on us never finding out?”
“I… admit I wasn’t thinking much at the time…” Hongjoong answered softly, keeping his head down. In truth, he couldn’t quite remember what had happened or what he’d been thinking, but that was the best explanation that he could come up with.
“No, clearly not,” Eden drawled, “And what were you planning to do once we reached land? You really did not think anything through, did you?”
Hongjoong stayed silent, knowing he was right.
Eden stared at the boy, thinking, before he sighed, “As much as my entire being hates to admit this, I must say you do have courage if your story is true. And I can’t in good conscience let you out on your own when you don’t have a clue on how the world works, especially not with you being so young. So, I propose this: you become one of my pirate’s crew, and you’ll have food, drink, and safety for as long as you stay. If you choose to leave later, that’s fine, but for now, I’d say it’s in your best interest to agree. So?”
Hongjoong didn’t even need to think twice about it, looking Eden directly in the eyes, “I’ll do it. I’ll become a pirate.”
“Very well,” Eden nodded, “I’ll teach you everything you need to know myself, but it won’t be easy, got it? If you’re going to stay on this ship, you’re going to pull your weight, understand me?”
“Yes, sir!” Hongjoong instantly replied.
“Good, then from now on, I am your captain, and you will refer to me as such,” Eden declared, “Welcome to the crew, Kim Hongjoong.”
~
Opening your eyes, you were shocked as you saw Maddox in front of you again. Looking around to regain your bearings, you could see the rest of the crew and Eden, watching you both with rapt attention. You turned to Hongjoong to see him in much the same state you were, shocked and dazed.
“That was…” You trailed off, not sure where to start.
“The two of you were always destined to meet, but that would’ve been too soon,” Maddox explained, “Had I not intervened, things could’ve turned out for the worst. But, I knew that one day the two of you would meet again, so I took your memories so I could return them now, in this moment.”
“I…” Hongjoong still seemed a bit dazed, but he quickly shook it off, “We can’t focus on that right now. Maddox, we’re about to go to war, and we need some help. Are you sure there isn’t any way for you to help us?”
“I cannot,” Maddox confirmed, “But there is someone who can.” He turned his head to Elysian, who seemed confused.
“Me?” He questioned, “Why me?”
“I created Elysian, which means he has abilities similar to my own, albeit weaker, and can travel away from the island. Furthermore, due to him being my creation, he has no obligation to keep fate in line, nor does he know what will happen unless I tell him, so he’s the perfect person to bring along with you. I can’t say that you’ll win, but I can say that he’ll be a big help,” Maddox explained.
You walked up to Elysian, “Will you help? We need every person we can get right now.”
He smiled gently at you, “It’s because of you I was given a name and given a purpose. Of course I’ll help you in your time of need. It’s not even a question.”
“Thank you,” You sighed with relief, “And thank you, Maddox, for showing us the truth. Even if I’m not fond of the fact you stole our memories in the first place, I at least understand why.”
“Thank you for that, at least,” He responded, “I wish you all the best of luck. May we meet again soon.”
~
It was late at night as you were on the deck, practicing your sword training. You figured that with a war on the horizon, it was best to make sure you brushed up on all your skills, even the weaker ones. You were sure you were alone, until you heard a familiar voice come from behind you.
“How is it that you’re never asleep when you’re supposed to be?” Hongjoong smiled at you, watching you practice.
You stopped and laughed, answering, “I could say the same thing to you, captain. What do you need?”
He was silent for a minute before he spoke up, “Care to talk a walk around the ship with me? I find there’s a lot on my mind… A lot I need to get out.”
“Of course, no problem,” You replied, sheathing your sword, “Let’s go.” The two of you walked slowly, silence filling the air aside from the waves hitting the hull of the ship.
Finally, Hongjoong spoke up, “That… was a lot we learned today, wasn’t it?”
“It was,” You agreed, “But it was as we expected. I helped you escape onto Eden’s ship.”
“(Y/N), you saved my life,” Hongjoong spoke blatantly, but with clear emotion, “I surely would’ve been killed had you not interfered. I know Maddox says we were never meant to have met there, but now that I know, I can’t imagine things having turned out another way. I owe my life to you.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Hongjoong,” You shook your head, “You saved my life back at that auction, as far as I’m concerned, we’re even. You don’t need to give me anything, least of all your life.”
“What if I want to give you something else?” Hongjoong asked, “Not my life, but something close to it?”
“Like what?” You asked, confused as to where he was headed.
“Like my heart.” At those words, you stopped in place and looked at him, seemingly paralyzed at what he just told you.
It felt like time froze still for a moment before you could finally find your voice and say, “What?”
“(Y/N), I don’t think I need to tell you that you’ve become very important to me in the time that you’ve been on this ship,” Hongjoong began, “Of course, all my crew members are important to me, but with you, it’s beyond that. For a long while now, you’ve been the most important person in my life, and now with my memories returned to me… It’s clear. You were always the most important person in my life, you who saved my life, it has always been you. From the moment we first met eyes at the auction, to when we finally faced Elias Sweet and dealt with him for good, to even just recently with Reeves, you were the person I was fighting for the most. I fell in love with you, so deeply, and I can’t afford to hide it any longer.”
“I- But why now?” You asked, trying to regain your bearings, “We’re about to go to war, why would you tell me this now?!”
“Because, if there’s anything those memories taught me, it’s that we are meant to be together,” Hongjoong affirmed, taking your hands in his, “There’s no logical reason to believe that we would’ve met ever again after I got on that ship, but here we are now. There were so many times where things could’ve gone wrong, but they didn’t. Maybe it was Maddox’s doing, maybe it was fate, I don’t care, because I know now that we can make it through this. We’ll survive this war, because the two of us are together, and once we’re together, we can do anything. I believe in us, do you?” By now, you were crying due to the overwhelming emotions.
“Of course I do!” You cried out, holding onto Hongjoong’s hands tightly, “Hongjoong, I love you so much! I just- I just!” You didn’t know what else to say, and good thing too, because Hongjoong took that moment to grab your face with one hand and kiss you deeply, the other hand trailing behind your back to pull you closer. You kissed him back with the same intensity, your arms wrapping around his neck as you pressed your bodies together. The two of you broke apart for air only to kiss again, and again as they only grew more passionate.
Eventually, Hongjoong rested his forehead on yours, whispering, “Stay with me tonight, in my quarters. Please.” You could tell what he meant by that request in his eyes, and you felt your body grow hotter at the thought.
Even so, you still nodded and agreed, whispering back, “I will.” Not wasting a single second, he picked you up in his arms and carried you to his quarters, kicking the door closed behind him.
What happened the rest of that night was between you and him.
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shamemp3 · 3 years
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gimme top five scott lines or more bc i like white men in red glasses
OKAY
1. OBLIGATORY THE WHAT WAS THE REVOLUTION SCOTT QUOTE. “OUR LAST CHANCE. OKAY?! we have nothing left but threats! we fought for them and they hate us! we fought alongside them and they kill our children in the streets! we pack up and move to an island and they destroy it! we move to another island and the fucking avengers storm the fucking beaches! we’re supposed to be the next step in human revolution yet we’ve become an endangered species. we’re everything they are not and we’re a shadow of our former selves! all we have left is threats. the threat of revolution! the threat of a fight we hope they dont want! so, yes, i got in front of any camera that would show my face and i looked their world in the eye and told them—they better leave us alone... i stood on the bridge of the helicarrier and i threatened them... because nothing. else. has. worked. xavier is gone. logan is gone. i watched xavier die at my feet and i thought if i don’t do something to kickstart it… the dream is really truly dead. after us, what is there?”
2. “god, don’t you think i want to be just like everyone else?” (what’s stopping you?) “the power won’t go away. whenever my eyes are open, i can’t turn my eyebeams off. how relaxed would you be around people if you knew you could kill them all by just looking at them wrong?” (you’re so hard on yourself. you’ve got it under control, buddy.) “no. the special glasses have it under control. the combat visor has it under control. they’re the only things that can hold my power back. ruby-quartz lenses. i can’t just take them off and be normal. i can’t go swimming. i can’t play sports for fear my glasses’ll get knocked off or just slip from sweat. i’ll never know what it’s like to have a girl look me in the eyes with kindness. i can’t even cry because i’m not sure what my tears might do. none of htis gives me anything. it just takes. it just takes.”
3. “there never is. but it’s what we do. and right now, we’re the best equipped. a long time ago, i heard someone say that in this line of work, there’s a point where you have to rely on your instincts. do what’s right, and trust the rest will follow.” (mm. yes, i’m familiar with that sound bite. does it, generally, in your experience? follow?) “not always. but we keep trying. i used to think that if i could do what you did, it would unlock the world. i’d learn to make sense of things. i would make sense. mostly, what i’ve learned is how wrong i was. and that it’s worth it anyway.” IDK TBH THE ENTIRETY OF SNAPSHOTS SCOTT HE IS MY EVERYTHING. COULD PUT THE ENTIRE ISSUE HERE IF I COULD
4. lol champs 2019 scott “i’ve been where you are. i know what you’re feeling. i can’t guarantee that it’s gonna get easier, but i can tell you this--what you’re doing matters. the champions matter.” 
5. ALSO CHAMPS 2019 WHEN HE GETS TOLD OFF BC HE WENT TO SEE THE CHAMPIONS AND GETS TOLD (what were you thinking? we’re supposed to be a team.) and scott says, “i know. that’s why i went...because my team needed me.”
6. “i don’t care what you think you know. i don’t care what you dress my brother up as and i don’t care what flag you wrap yourself in. my friends need help and they need it all over the world. so you have a choice. you can have the hulk try and kill me...or you can get the hell out of my way.”
7. “i know that risking everything we’ve built for a few lives doesn’t work for all of you. i understand you don’t have the luxury of thinking that way. i really do. but hearing you say it out loud...tasting it in my mouth...i find it unacceptable. so i do not accept it. you formed the quiet council to be the government of krakoa. well, the x-men are heroes. and we will save those who need saving. whatever the cost.”
8. “you had a dream. i have a plan.”
9. “so we’re clear...you’re angry at me, logan is angry at me, everyone is angry at me but...i’m angrier at myself. i mean it, kitty, i am going to pay for my sins, i am... but i’ll be damned if i don’t make it so our people finally have a chance first. it’s us. we’re all that’s standing up for mutants having a future. not the avengers, not shield, it’s just us. but forget that now...forget all of this. what do you need from me?”
10. (you got a problem, scott?) “several.” i just. laugh at this always
11. “my name is scott summers and i’ve been an x-man since i was fifteen. and like everyone else here, i’ve been a mutant all my life. the ground--this city we live in, just off your shores--this fortress we occupy--this ground is sacred. no mutant or their family will be harmed here. no mutant blood will be spilled here. our children shall not be hunter or harmed. they shall not be prejudiced against, legislated against, or ever go to sleep for a single unsafe moment. we may have payed the ultimate price for our safety tonight. but i am here to promise you, unequivocally, we mean you no harm. in spite of the decades of harm inflicted upon us personally, privately, or as a matter of law. we have been, and always shall be, sworn to protect a world that hates and despises us. only now...we shall all be free.”
12. “but i promise you this...i’m going to find you. i’m going to find out who you are...and god help you then. you think you know me? you think you know what i’m capable of? that is everyone’s mistake.”
13. “to me, my x-men.”
14. “that's why i am a leader. the blind leading the blind, maybe...but a leader nonetheless. a leader because i'm prepared to take the fall, and because i'm prepared to make the hard decisions. such as the one you made, mom, that day you pushed alex and I out into the sky with a single parachute between us. because a leader knows, it's not so hard to die for your people. it's hard to order your people to die for you. and leading with certainty into an uncertain future doesn't require sight. it requires vision. it requires holding on. and no matter what happens, never letting go.”
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moiraineswife · 6 years
Text
Autistic!Jasnah: Masterpost
Okaaay, so, as you might have guessed from the title, this post is a long list of reasons Jasnah Kholin is autistic af.  
The short version: Jasnah is autistic because I, a Known Autism, say so. Have a nice day.
The long version (format): A long series of chronological quotes that all follow this pattern: Quote. *Insert ramble about why this is an Autistic Thing* *Possible and probable further ramble about why I’m emotional about that.
That’s literally it, people. Buckle up, I’ve picked through all three books (yes all three) to compose this post for y’all. It’s not going to be short.
To business:
The Way of Kings:
 Jasnah glanced at Shallan, noting her, then returned to her conversation.
Introducing Jasnah ‘I don’t have time for social niceties I’m busy’ Kholin. From the first interaction she’s...Bad at interacting. Iconic.
“Then we shall do an evaluation. Answer truthfully and do not exaggerate, as I will soon discover your lies. Feign no false modesty, either. I haven’t the patience for a simperer.”
Jasnah is both blunt, direct, and honest in her speech as she is in her expectations from others. She doesn’t have the energy to deal with manipulation/lying/tarting up the truth to make it more socially acceptable bc she is a busy autistic lady with shit to do. (really, though, what she’s literally demanding here is the first rule of the autistic’s guide to easy conversation. Clear. Simple. To the point. To frills, no fuss.)
 Jasnah didn’t argue further, and Shallan could see from her eyes that it was of no consequence to her if the king risked his life. The same apparently went for Shallan, for Jasnah didn’t order her away.
People do what people want to do and Jasnah doesn’t waste any time pretending she cares/that it matters to her for the sake of appearances. Again, this woman has a vendetta against typical social niceties and I love it.
“Now?” the king said, cradling his granddaughter. “But we are going to have a feast—”
“I appreciate the offer,” Jasnah said, “but I find myself with an abundance of everything but time.”
Do I need to point out the lack of social niceties again or are y’all sensing a pattern at this point? *King lovingly embraces his darling granddaughter that Jasnah just saved and orders a feast prepared in her honour* Jasnah: ‘Thanks but no I’m too busy to socialise.’
Jasnah was also a rationalist, a woman with the audacity to deny the existence of the Almighty himself based on her own reasoning. Jasnah would appreciate strength, but only if it was shaped by logic.
Jasnah feelings>>>>>>logic. This is a fairly common theme, of Jasnah being ruled less by emotions/sentiment/societal pressures/expectations and much more by logic/her own reasoning. She has her own way of looking at the world, her own rules for how it works, and she won’t be swayed by anyone else’s opinions on how she should feel/behave.
Jasnah turned to look out of the balcony into the dark space of the Veil. “I know what people say of me. I should hope that I am not as harsh as some say, though a woman could have far worse than a reputation for sternness. It can serve one well.”
Jasnah not being very self-aware in how people actually perceive her is also an autistic thing. Shallan notes several times that Jasnah is actually nowhere near as harsh/stern as she’s reputed to me, and, more importantly, she’s nowhere near as harsh/stern as she perceives herself to be. She also fails to note that Shallan actually enjoys the work/the challenge. This also implies that she takes what people say about her at face value and doesn’t have the necessary social skills to refute them.
Shallan tried to judge Jasnah’s mood, but the older woman’s emotions were impossible to read. 
Again, this is a fairly common autistic trait. We struggle to read other people’s body language, but they often struggle to read ours as well. A part of this is probably Jasnah deliberately cultivating this kind of persona, but even so, she’s too unsure of how she comes across to have completely mastered this.
Jasnah carefully removed its contents, neatly lining up the brushes, pencils, pens, jar of lacquer, ink, and solvent. She placed the stacks of paper, the notebooks, and the finished pictures in a line.
Oh look, it’s one of the world’s biggest Autism Stereotypes (which I’m totally guilty of too): lining all the things up neatly, and making them Orderly.
At least with Jasnah one knew where one stood.
Jasnah of the straightforward, blunt honesty and ‘what you see is what you get’ strikes again.
When Jasnah was deeply immersed in one of her projects, she often ignored all else.
And here we see the Autistic Jasnah in her natural habitat: hyperfixating on her special interest.
The rest is under the cut for length! 
Jasnah had elegant handwriting, of course—Jasnah rarely did anything without taking the time to perfect it. 
Jasnah not doing anything unless it’s done Properly and Right according to her? Also Jasnah being indifferent towards things she hasn’t put any time into perfecting (such as drawing).
“I always forgive curiosity, Your Majesty,” Jasnah said. “It strikes me as one of the most genuine of emotions.”
Again, Jasnah encouraging/reacting positively to genuine/honest emotions because she doesn’t Understand the whole guile/lying/not being honest thing because honestly what is the point?
“Must someone, some unseen thing, declare what is right for it to be right? I believe that my own morality—which answers only to my heart—is more sure and true than the morality of those who do right only because they fear retribution.”
Honestly, just, this whole thing. For a start it’s a massive transgression of the Vorin social norms/expectations, especially for Jasnah as a prominent public figure as the sister to the king. For another it’s that internal rules thing again. Jasnah’s world operates according to Jasnah’s principles and Jasnah’s understanding of it, no-one else’s.
But Shallan had caught a handful of occasions, mostly when Jasnah had been distracted, and had apparently forgotten she wasn’t alone.
*Jasnah ignores social expectations so hard she literally forgets other people exist in the world* Also, again, the hyperfixation on special interest.
“And yet, those men are off the street. The people of this city are that much safer. The issue that Taravangian has been so worried about has been solved, and no more theatergoers will fall to those thugs. How many lives did I just save?”
“I know how many you just took,” Shallan said.
Jasnah has a habit of doing this, this very cold, calculated, logical and pragmatic way of seeing the world as well as morality. Shallan considers the lives taken, the emotional aspect of the moral dilemma, the horror of murder. Jasnah just sees it almost as statistics, as four lives taken to save many more. Shallan also focuses on the cold hard facts of ‘I know how many people you just killed’ while Jasnah is engaged in weighing up the probability of how many she just saved. (In theory, the thugs might never have attacked anyone again, so Jasnah might not have saved anyone by her actions, which I think is what Shallan is getting at here. But that’s just...A moot point as far as Jasnah is concerned)
This is also an example of her black and white thinking. There’s more net good in what she did than there is net bad. That’s where her questioning/reasoning stops because it makes sense to her. Shallan exists in the grey area, but I don’t think Jasnah even sees it in cases like this.
But it wasn’t the act itself so much as the cold callousness of it that bothered her.
This is an interesting one, and something I’ll talk about more a bit later, probably, but the way Jasnah comes across vs how she actually is. I totally get why Shallan views what she did as cold and callous, and in a way I suppose it was. It was fully planned and fully intentional. But I think for her it’s this kind of...separation between logic and sentiment. I think Jasnah feels very strongly and very deeply, but she doesn’t often display that to other people, and I also think she believes there’s a time and a place for that. Also, black and white thinking again. It comes off as cold to Shallan, but for Jasnah I think it feels more like common sense.
 “You only needed to kill one of them.”
“No, I didn’t,” Jasnah said.
“Why? They would have been too frightened to do something like that again.”
“You don’t know that. I sincerely wanted those men gone. A careless barmaid walking home the wrong way cannot protect herself, but I can. And I will.”
Again, black and white thinking. (I’m also surprised this moment doesn’t generate more Discourse...Or maybe it does, I’ve just avoided it, either way) This is both a case for Jasnah not being able to predict people’s responses/behaviours, and also black and white thinking/internal rules at play. As far as she’s concerned those men are criminals. She has no assurances that they won’t hurt anyone else again. They’re already criminals, and there’s no chance for redemption or leeway, here. She’s made up her mind. They’re all criminals. They’re all dangerous. They all die.
Jasnah closed her eyes again, handing the brush toward Shallan. “Fifty strokes tonight, Shallan. It has been a fatiguing day.”
A)- routines the ‘tonight’ and the familiarity of this implies it’s something that happens every night. And the ‘fifty strokes’ is either another routine related thing, or an internal rule thing. Either way. Also this is probably a stim thing, since she’s using it to relax/de-stress.
Jasnah tapped her desktop with a fingernail.
Stimming.
“Brightness Jasnah does NOT like people entering her room. The maids have been told not to clean in there.” The king had promised that his maids were very carefully chosen, and there had never been issues of theft, but Jasnah still insisted that none enter her bedchamber.
Definitely, definitely, definitely an autistic thing. Issues with people entering Your Spaces or touching Your Things is a big autistic thing. (especially because the assurances about thieving don’t change her mind) Also the emphasis on not as in ‘this is a thing one absolutely does not do unless one wishes to die’.
“She’d believe me,” Shallan said. “She thinks she’s far more demanding than she is. Or…well, she is demanding. I just don’t mind as much as she thinks I do.”
Again, Jasnah taking what people say of her/how they say they perceive her at face value, and also lack of self-awareness in how people actually respond to her.
Jasnah regarded Shallan, face stiff, impassive. “I have been told that my tutelage is demanding, perhaps harsh. This is one reason why I often refuse to take wards.”
“I apologize for my weakness, Brightness,” Shallan said, looking down.
Jasnah seemed displeased. “I did not mean to suggest fault in you, child. I was attempting the opposite. Unfortunately I’m…unaccustomed to such behavior.”
Two things here: one, I’m like, 99% certain that Jasnah, who has been camped out at the hospital all this time waiting for Shallan to wake up is feeling anything but ‘impassive’ at this moment, in which case this is an example of her body language/facial expressions not matching up properly to her actual internal feelings, which is fairly common. And two: Jasnah’s apology being taken for a rebuttal and her obvious displeasure at it coming across that way when she literally intended the opposite (been there).
Also her general air of uncertainty/discomfort in this setting, which is one that’s obviously social/emotional. Also the fact that she pins her poor apology on lack of practice/familiarity with these kinds of interactions when, in theory, these kinds of things should come naturally to people. So like, lil bit of hinting/implication of scripting social things her, which I think her initial words reek of as well, as she’s said similar things before.
“You make it sound as if you were waiting out there.”
Jasnah didn’t reply.
“But your research!”
“Can be done in the hospital waiting chamber.” She hesitated. “It has been somewhat difficult for me to focus these last few days.”
“Jasnah! That’s quite nearly HUMAN of you!”
Again, a few things here, firstly that Jasnah is othered in a way by Shallan (and this isn’t the only time this happens, either) because of her lack of emotional response/social stuff. Secondly the fact that she’s clearly uncomfortable/struggles with this kind of conversation – the hesitation, the lack of responses are very much at odds with her usual composure and the way she has an answer for literally everything.
Words of Radiance:
She was all too glad to be leaving the stuffy room, which stank of too many perfumes mingling.
Prologue and we’ve already got Jasnah experiencing sensory issues in a crowded room with lots of perfume. What a way to kick things off.
“Many people consider that sort of thing enjoyable.”
“Many people, unfortunately, are idiots.”
Her father smiled. “Is it terribly difficult for you?” he asked softly. “Living with the rest of us, suffering our average wits and simple thoughts? Is it lonely to be so singular in your brilliance, Jasnah?”
A)- Jasnah obviously not enjoying social events/parties (she literally spends all of this one...contemplating the assassination she’s plotting. Like. Mood.)
B)- Gavilar’s comment is...Strangely sad, I think?? And perhaps a bit too on point. (This is very much just my reading of things but)...I don’t know. I see Jasnah trying to make a little quip/a joke here and it being misinterpreted because of her tone. And then, again, there’s that idea of othering that came up at the end of TWOK.
But I think the ‘is it lonely to be so singular in your brilliance?’ I think that....A huge part of that ‘brilliance’ comes from a mixture of Jasnah’s autistic traits: her special interest/her focus in them/her dedication to pursuing them...but also that sense of being other. Of not fitting in. The rest of “us” she doesn’t belong, she doesn’t fit.
And I think this idea of their ‘simple thoughts’ as opposed to Jasnah’s brilliant ones is a little like what we see with Renarin in Oathbringer, where Adolin explains that he isn’t trying to be lofty and brilliant, people sometimes just have difficulty following him. And I think this is what’s happening with Jasnah here (and in other places, she frequently talks about the difficulty she has in teaching, and how her methods are too intense and involved)
And also I think that....The saddest bit about this is that I think she was....Trying to joke here? Trying to fit in with those ordinary people, ‘the rest of us’, and just making a sarcastic joke on the back of her father’s comment about most people enjoying parties and she just sort of ‘well, most people are idiots aren’t they?’ And that’s what prompts this little moment here. So even when she’s trying to fit, and trying to belong, she’s still cast as the outcast, and misunderstood, and othered and it Hurts Me.
 I, she thought, need to write this experience down.
She would do so, then analyze and consider. Later. 
She literally topples into another world, effectively, and is just like ‘hm, I should make some notes on this and analyse them’. And. Yep. This is how she processes the world. By making sense of it, by treating everything according to Jasnah’s rules: it gets written down. It gets analysed. It gets understood. Bam.
Jasnah ignored the eyes of the sailors. It wasn’t that she didn’t notice men. Jasnah noticed everything and everyone. She simply didn’t seem to care, one way or another, how men perceived her.
Jasnah ‘I don’t have time for social expectations’ Kholin strikes again. Jasnah also just doesn’t care how anyone perceives her, social norms and expectations can go fuck themselves .
Jasnah grimaced at the thought. Shallan was always surprised to see visible emotion from her. Emotion was something relatable, something human—and Shallan’s mental image of Jasnah Kholin was of someone almost divine.
Again, the othering idea, as well as visible emotion being startling, as she’s typically so withdrawn/closed off/difficult to read. Yes friend, u guessed it, this is Peak Autism. Also the specific word in it being ‘relatable’ again marks that difference between Jasnah and...Everyone else. Again she’s different, again she doesn’t quite fit.
Jasnah relaxed visibly. “Yes, well, it did seem a workable solution. I had wondered, however, if you’d be offended.”
“Why on the winds would I be offended?”
“Because of the restriction of freedom implicit in a marriage,” Jasnah said. 
Again, Jasnah misreading things/not being able to anticipate how people are going to react to different things. Also her view of marriage as ‘restricting’ says a lot about how she sees it/probably relationships in general.
Power is an illusion of perception.”
Shallan frowned.
“Don’t mistake me,” Jasnah continued. “Some kinds of power are real—power to command armies, power to Soulcast. These come into play far less often than you would think. On an individual basis, in most interactions, this thing we call power—authority—exists only as it is perceived.
“You say I have wealth. This is true, but you have also seen that I do not often use it. You say I have authority as the sister of a king. I do. And yet, the men of this ship would treat me exactly the same way if I were a beggar who had convinced them I was the sister to a king. In that case, my authority is not a real thing. It is mere vapors—an illusion. I can create that illusion for them, as can you.”
This right here is Jasnah explaining passing, without ever using the word ‘passing’. This is how Jasnah sees social interactions. They’re all illusions, they’re all, effectively, lies. They aren’t real to her. How people perceive others isn’t something that she can fit into her box of neat facts and logic. It’s this ever changing, insubstantial thing, ‘mere vapours’. And though she’s talking here about power and authority, the basic principle applies to literally every single social interaction ever. Aka: the secret behind how Jasnah Kholin (somehow) managed to convince ppl she’s allistic.
The orders of knights were a construct, just as all society is a construct, used by men to define and explain. Not every man who wields a spear is a soldier, and not every woman who makes bread is a baker. And yet weapons, or baking, become the hallmarks of certain professions.”
Actual footage of Jasnah Kholin going to war against social constructs and their flimsiness.
It was a picture of Jasnah, drawn by Shallan herself. Shallan had given it to the woman after being accepted as her ward. She’d assumed Jasnah had thrown it away—the woman had little fondness for visual arts, which she considered a frivolity.
Instead, she’d kept it here with her most precious things. 
This is one of my favourite Underrated Jasnah Moments tbh because it says so much about her with such a simple gesture. We’ve established from the past book and a half that Jasnah is pretty bad when it comes to social interactions, and she’s even worse when it comes to displaying her emotions. But she’s not emotionless. She, personally, doesn’t see the value in visual arts, and hasn’t dedicated any time to it herself. Yet she keeps the gift that Shallan gives her. She understands how important this is to Shallan, and she quite literally treasures the art that Shallan gives her, and keeps it with her precious research/notes (and, like, Symbolism with her keeping her sentimental gifts and logic fuelled research in the same place/with the same level of importance/value, except one is hidden, and one is displayed)
And, like, Shall literally assumes Jasnah had just thrown away the picture?? And instead she’s got it kept safe with her most treasured possessions? Like??? The TL;DR version of this point is that Jasnah is horrendous at displaying her emotions/showing people how she feels about them/what they mean to her, but she feels things, goddammit. And now so am I.
What of this Sadeas? she thought, flipping to a page in the notebook. It listed him as conniving and dangerous, but noted that both he and his wife were sharp of wit. A man of intelligence might listen to Shallan’s arguments and understand them.
Aladar was listed as another highprince that Jasnah respected. Powerful, known for his brilliant political maneuvers. He was also fond of games of chance. Perhaps he would risk an expedition to find Urithiru, if Shallan highlighted the potential riches to be found.
Hatham was listed as a man of delicate politics and careful planning. Another potential ally. Jasnah didn’t think much of Thanadal, Bethab, or Sebarial. The first she called oily, the second a dullard, and the third outrageously rude.
She studied them and their motivations for some time. 
Right. Now. Correct my autistic ass if I’m wrong, here, but I’m like 89% certain that ‘taking notes on the basic personalities/literally studying the people around you and making notes on the way they behave so you can actually understand them’ is not a typical allistic thing to do.
Shallan turned back toward him. That pride in his voice didn’t at all match what Jasnah had written of the man.
Jasnah can literally predict the oncoming apocalypse by the power of research, can she pin down some basic Facts about the people she’s observing around her? Nope. I wonder why.
“She wouldn’t let me be a mother to her, Dalinar,” Navani said, staring into the distance. “Do you know that? It was almost like . . . like once Jasnah climbed into adolescence, she no longer needed a mother. I would try to get close to her, and there was this coldness, like even being near me reminded her that she had once been a child. What happened to my little girl, so full of questions?”
Two things: one, this is probably (agonisingly) relating to whatever trauma Jasnah experienced as a child and I’ve got Painful Emotions about it. Secondly, Jasnah being very mature for her age/shucking Navani’s influence because it wasn’t what she thought she needed/wanted is, like, not exactly the most tactful/self-aware/socially conscious thing in the entire universe.
“You’re still human,” Shallan said, reaching across, putting her hand on Navani’s knee. “We can’t all be emotionless chunks of rock like Jasnah.”
Navani smiled. “She sometimes had the empathy of a corpse, didn’t she?”
Oh look, it’s canon low!empathy Jasnah: from the words of her own mother no less.
(Also, small note here, as a low!empathy autistic myself: I really love the way Jasnah is written because it complements my own understanding of empathy which is...Fairly complicated. Jasnah isn’t just like none and done here. It’s not that she just doesn’t feel empathy so she doesn’t care? She isn’t characterised as this brutal, unfeeling, robotic ice queen. There are a lot of nuances and complexities here as to how she relates to those around her and I love it.
She obviously loves her family very deeply, and is driven to protect and help them (in a very practical, logical way I might add. Which is typically how I relate to care/love as well. You want a shoulder to cry on? I’m going to sit there awkwardly, pat you on the head, and hope you stop soon. There’s a practical solution to your current problem? Heaven and earth will be moved to achieve it.) She keeps Shallan’s drawing, even treasures it. And I think that she obviously....Feels her lack of feeling (if that makes sense)
See: the hospital scene with Shallan where she attempts to apologise. She’s...Uncomfortable with the emotional aspect of things, and she’s completely wrong about Shallan’s intentions, and actually her actions as well. There’s a block there with the empathy...But that’s obviously something that doesn’t exactly...Sit right with her? She’s quite self-depreciating in that scene, actually, and it’s clear (to me, anyway) that there’s the sense of her being aware that there’s something...Missing. Something that...Doesn’t quite line up. Something that makes her different and stops her relating to people perhaps in the way that she wants to.
Anyway: don’t equate lack of empathy with lack of love: a novel by Brandon Sanderson. God bless. Intentional or not, this is one of the most relatable low!empathy characters I’ve ever read and I’m here for it.
“Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, she was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.”
Shallan grinned. “I always just assumed she was born in her thirties.”
“Oh, she was. It just took thirty-some years for her body to catch up.” Navani smiled. “I won’t take this from you, but neither should I allow you to attempt a project so important on your own. I would be part. Figuring out the puzzles that captivated her . . . it will be like having her again. My little Jasnah, insufferable and wonderful.”
Again, a few things here: this concept of autistic children being far more mature/behaving like ‘little adults’ is actually pretty common. Also the puzzle-solving thing is just. Relatable.
Oathbringer
“Brightness?” Shallan said. “But … Shardblades aren’t fabrials. They’re spren, transformed by the bond.”
“As are fabrials, after a manner of speaking,” Jasnah said. “You do know how they’re made, don’t you?”
“Only vaguely,” Shallan said. This was how their reunion went? A lecture? Fitting.
Jasnah is believed dead for months on end, reunites with Shallan after who knows how long: immediately starts infodumping to her. Shallan:.......’Figured.’
People were always surprised to see emotion from Jasnah, but Dalinar considered that unfair. She did smile—she merely reserved the expression for when it was most genuine.
Jasnah back at it with the only bothering with emotions when they’re genuine. (Also Dalinar getting all indignant about people not understanding Jasnah/mischaracterising her is my favourite)
“They will try,” Jasnah said, “to define you by something you are not. Don’t let them. I can be a scholar, a woman, a historian, a Radiant. People will still try to classify me by the thing that makes me an outsider. They want, ironically, the thing I don’t do or believe to be the prime marker of my identity. I have always rejected that, and will continue to do so.”
Obviously she’s talking about her heresy here, but with a tiny smidge of tweaking it works well for her being autistic, too. She will always be a little bit different, always not fit, always be defined by being an outsider.
“In the face of such an atrocity, I would consider the sacrifice of one or more Heralds to be a small price.”
“Storms!” Kaladin said, standing up straight. “Have you no sympathy?”
“I have plenty, bridgeman. Fortunately, I temper it with logic. Perhaps you should consider acquiring some at a future date.”
Again on the feelings tempered by logic, thing. (Also Kaladin/Jasnah is interesting because they’re basically....polar opposites, and I enjoy the dynamic. But that’s for another day.)
“If you wish, Captain,” Jasnah snapped, “I can get you some mink kits to cuddle while the adults plan. None of us want to talk about this, but that does not make it any less inevitable.”
“I’d love that,” Kaladin responded. “In turn, I’ll get you some eels to cuddle. You’ll feel right at home.”
Jasnah, curiously, smiled. 
Jasnah: approves of frank, honest comments. Even if they’re mildly insulting. As long as they’re genuine.
They didn’t talk tactics too specifically; that was a masculine art, and Dalinar would want his highprinces and generals to discuss the battlefields. Still, Shallan didn’t fail to notice the tactical terms Jasnah used now and then.
In things like this, Shallan had difficulty understanding the woman. In some ways, Jasnah seemed fiercely masculine. She studied whatever she pleased, and she talked tactics as easily as she talked poetry. She could be aggressive, even cold—Shallan had seen her straight-up execute thieves who had tried to rob her. Beyond that … well, it probably was best not to speculate on things with no meaning, but people did talk. Jasnah had turned down every suitor for her hand, including some very attractive and influential men. People wondered. Was she perhaps simply not interested?
All of this should have resulted in a person who was decidedly unfeminine. Yet Jasnah wore the finest makeup, and wore it well, with shadowed eyes and bright red lips. She kept her safehand covered, and preferred intricate and fetching styles of braids from her hairdresser. Her writings and her mind made her the very model of Vorin femininity.
Jasnah just not caring about social/cultural gender norms. Jasnah does what Jasnah wants. But also, gender roles, and tbh the entire concept of gender, is a social construct, it’s something a lot of autistic folks struggle with. (Also non-binary/agender!Jasnah just, as a fun little aside) 
 “Surely,” she said softly, “if Jasnah had known that I’d just confronted a deep insecurity of mine, she’d have shown some empathy. Right?”
“Jasnah?” Pattern asked. “I do not think you are paying attention, Shallan. She is not very empathetic.”
A)- Jasnah probably didn’t notice and B)- low!empathy Jasnah again.
Jasnah rubbed her temples. “Storms. This is why I never take wards.”
“Because they give you so much trouble.”
“Because I’m bad at it. I have scientific evidence of that fact, and you are but the latest experiment.” Jasnah shooed her away, rubbing her temples.
‘I have scientific evidence of the fact I’m not good at mentoring/teaching/with people in general’ actual quote from Jasnah herself. Also, just, the language here? The mentoring/taking of wards is an intimate social relationship in Vorin culture, but the way Jasnah speaks of it she uses words like ‘scientific evidence’ and ‘experiment’ which says a lot about how she views relationships in general tbh. 
Also, I think her self-consciousness is something that’s interesting to note. This isn’t the first time she questions her teaching abilities/methods, in fact it’s one of her biggest and most obvious insecurities, it’s something that she’s very aware of. She knows she’s bad at this, and it bothers her. 
“Ivory, you think all humans are unstable.”
“Not you,” he said, lifting his chin. “You are like a spren. You think by facts. You change not on simple whims. You are as you are.”
She gave him a flat stare.
“Mostly,” he added. “Mostly. But it is, Jasnah. Compared to other humans, you are practically a stone!”
[…]
“Jasnah?” Ivory asked. “Am I … in error?”
“I am not so much a stone as you think, Ivory. Sometimes I wish I were.”
And again with Jasnah being factual-based when it comes to her decisions ,and emotions based when it comes to her motivations. Jasnah Kholin feels things so deeply I will physically fight you over this matter. Also, given what we’ve seen, it definitely seems as though Ivory/Inkspren/Jasnah’s ideals are concerned with logic/reason/rightness, and that being a defining aspect of her/her order is interesting in the context of her being autistic. 
Renarin still lurked at the far side of the room, mumbling to himself. Or perhaps to his spren? She absently read his lips.
Since, as far as we know, Jasnah isn’t deaf/hoh, the lip reading is something she acquired for other purposes. Probably as part of her paranoia/wish to protect her family, but it’d also probably help with auditory processing disorder. Which is basically where your ears hear words fine, but your brain scrambles them up and fails to make sense of them. Also a lot of autistic folks (self included) tend to watch people’s mouths instead of their eyes (bc eye contact Sucks) and I’m not saying I can lip-read, but if I could it’d definitely make life easier.
But when, before this, had she last heard him laugh?
“Maybe,” Navani said, “we should encourage him to take a break and go out with the bridgemen for the evening.”
“I’d rather keep him here,” Jasnah said, flipping through her pages. “His powers need additional study.”
Navani would talk to Renarin anyway and encourage him to go out more with the men. There was no arguing with Jasnah, any more than there was arguing with a boulder. You just stepped to the side and went around.
Jasnah being completely and utterly oblivious to the hidden agenda/undercurrent to Navani’s thoughts which is ‘Renarin is comfortable with the men/is enjoying himself with them, maybe we should encourage that?’ and just responds to her mother’s words and nothing else. The boulder analogy makes me laugh (but also recalls what Ivory said about her being ‘stone’ which is, again, a kind of othering, a setting apart of the ‘normal’ humans, based on how she emotes/deals with things/processes fact.
I’m sorry, Mother. I’ve been dealing with a lot of lesser ardents today. My didactic side might have inflated.”
“You have a didactic side? Dear, you hate teaching.”
“Which explains my mood, I should think. I—”
A lot of autistic folk find it difficult to teach people, largely because, if they explain something in a certain way, away in which they understand, they have trouble rephrasing it/altering it to make other people understand it as well. Can definitely, definitely see Jasnah struggling with this.
Jasnah preferred to work alone, which was odd, considering how good she was at getting people to do what she wanted. 
This shocks me to my very core so it does.
Next to her, Jasnah stood with arms wrapped around herself, eyes red. Navani reached toward her, but Jasnah pulled away from the others and stalked off toward the palace proper.
Oh look, it’s touch!averse Jasnah. (she’s really not very touchy feely at all) Also Jasnah not knowing how to deal with her emotions/grief and withdrawing from people around her. Also I’m calling the arms wrapped around herself as a pressure stim. Fight me.
Jasnah met his eyes, chewing her lip as she’d always done as a child.
Jasnah having anxious!stims (that she probably forced herself to unlearn)
“Forget I asked,” Dalinar said, sharing a look with Navani and Jasnah. Navani smiled fondly at what was probably a huge social misstep, but he suspected Jasnah agreed with him. She’d probably have seized the banks and used them to fund the war.
Jasnah ‘fuck your social niceties, I have a war to win’ Kholin.
Suddenly they were young again. He was a trembling child, weeping on her shoulder for a father who didn’t seem to be able to feel love. Little Renarin, always so solemn. Always misunderstood, laughed at and condemned by people who said similar things about Jasnah behind her back.
Mm, who else was ‘solemn’ as a child? Maybe ‘correcting logical fallacies at age six’ ‘no longer needed a mother when she reached adolescence’ Jasnah. And, like, ‘people mock Renarin for his autistic traits...Jasnah is also mocked for having these exact same traits.’ It’s basically canon, people.
Jasnah fell to her knees, then pulled Renarin into an embrace. He broke down crying, like he had as a boy, burying his head in her shoulder.
Also, the fact that Renarin instinctively went to Jasnah for comfort, not Navani, who eagerly mothers literally everyone around her, or anyone else, he went to Jasnah ‘empathy of a corpse, made of literal stone’ Kholin for comfort and support tells me something. It tells me that these two had an understanding. That Jasnah understood Renarin, and that Renarin understood Jasnah, and that there perhaps a reason for that that has to do with their shared brain weirdness.
This is also the first time, as I recall, that Jasnah responds with physical affection. (And this doesn’t undermine what I said about her being touch!averse, she is, but a)- she initiates this contact and b)- it’s with someone she’s clearly comfortable with this level of contact) 
Jasnah glanced over her shoulder at the gathering army. “And perhaps … this is one time when a lecture isn’t advisable. With all my complaints about not wanting wards, you’d think I would be able to resist instructing people at inopportune times. Keep moving.”
I have said it before and I will say it again, Jasnah infodumping to an exhausted Shallan in the middle of a fucking battlefield is the most autistic thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life.
These had always been right. Until today—until they had proclaimed that Jasnah Kholin’s love would fail.
And, to summarise it all neatly, Jasnah Kholin, empathy of a corpse, heart of a boulder, whose love in the end never failed her. *wipes tear* my beautiful autistic queen is good and full of love and feeling but just being really bad at showing it to people. We do not deserve her.
TL;DR: Jasnah is autistic af. It’s basically canon. Fight me.
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sleepingfancies · 7 years
Text
I’m mad and it’s about my son so you already KNOW I have a lot to say here.
The thing that is so infuriating about Chris Manawa’s situation and subsequent death is the timing and literal execution of his story line. Get ready, because there’s a hell of an essay below.
Chris Manawa got scratched out of FTWD in S2 after his fan support plummeted when he started down a rocky, arguably sketchy path. But here’s the question of the day: how would that storyline have ended if the writers hadn’t gotten cold feet about it? Too bad we’ll never know, but let’s dissect what’s so goddamn frustrating about this. In stages, broken down, so y’all can follow.
*****************
1. Inherent Good vs. Inherent Evil vs. That Little Grey Area
 Let’s talk about Rick Grimes for a second. Our guy Rick went completely off the rails in S3 after Lori’s death, and still had moments in S4 and S5 where his actions were pretty “yikes” (i.e. leaving desperate, likely harmless hitch hikers to walkers, slaughtering people in a church, ripping a guy’s throat out with his teeth, etc).
“But Clara,” you say, “those acts were justified.”
Well, partially, sure. But on the other hand - that’s what the writers have lulled us into thinking. We know that Rick has seen some shit, been through some shit, and had to make some shit decisions. We know he’d do anything to protect Carl and Judith. He’d do anything to protect The Group. He doles out justice like he’s a walking gavel. We automatically give him a pass for this. He’s a damaged man and those are his family members; we can understand him going a little cuckoo sometimes. And besides, Rick would never go “dark side.” No matter how ruthless Rick can get, there is never any real, honest to god danger that Rick might completely snap. And if it ever seems like Rick is going down a bad road and losing fan support, well, the writers just throw in someone worse - like Shane, the Governor, the Terminus cannibals, or Negan. So long as there’s someone inherently bad, no one will start to wonder if Rick is still a capable leader.
The lack of anyone inherently bad in FTWD immediately handed Chris an extreme disadvantage when it came to his arc. We, as viewers, were simply not allowed to see his actions compared to the actions of someone who had solely poor intentions. We were not allowed to see the actions of a traumatized teenage boy in comparison to a grown ass man holding a barbed wire baseball bat who simply doesn’t care who lives or dies, so long as he’s alpha male (you know who we did get to see that comparison with? Carl fucking Grimes).
Let’s talk about why that is, shall we?
***********************
2. Before (The Good), During (The Bad & the Ugly), and After (The Good)
With most major/minor characters (or even antagonists) in stories of all kinds (but especially televised stories), we see their “before and after” to trauma and challenge. Daryl and Carol had abusive family backgrounds that explain how they can behave and think sometimes. Shane genuinely thought Rick was dead and grew attached to Lori and Carl in the chaos, began to feel responsible for them, even love them. Even at his worst, he continually brings this up, and to a point it does explain how he can think and behave sometimes. Even the Governor had a tragic backstory, both initially and after he lost Woodbury.
Chris Manawa’s storyline is not a “before and after” story, it’s a “right here, right now” story. 
When the apocalypse really kicks in, we as an audience find ourselves right smack in the mid-beginning of Chris’ development. Think about it; he watches his mom get shot in the head, he’s thrust into a world where he isn’t safe anymore, and he’s surrounded by people who make him feel like an outcast. Add the cherry on top that he’s literally just a 16 year old kid, well shit, now you have a traumatized, isolated character who is neither mentally nor emotionally prepared to handle the situation.
What does this result in? Fucked up shit. Bad decisions. Anger - deep-seated, simmering anger that is not being dealt with, but just continually building. Look, I love my mom. Love my mom. She’s the best person I know. I look up to her, and if my parents got divorced and my dad kept telling me to give my “new family” a try, I wouldn’t want to either. I’d stay with my mom. I’d trust my mom. I’d know that she was the one constant in my life who would never voluntarily leave me or force me to hang out with my step-siblings. And then, she gets infected. No one understands by what. My mom is going to die, and then she dies because my dad shoots her in the head in front of me. In that scenario, personally, I would be beyond distraught. I would be beyond angry. I would withdraw and cut myself off and mourn and smash shit and yeah, I’d probably dissociate so fucking hard. Especially after finally trying to reach out to my step-family and getting shut the fuck out.
We don’t get to see the resolve of Chris’ backstory, because his backstory is his present in FTWD. Think. About. It. This is the kinda shit you’d expect to hear 5 minutes of over sad piano music as the narrator looks off into the mid-distance on TWD. This is the kind of backstory you’d expect to hear from someone like Daryl, or Beth. Hell, this almost is Beth’s arc.
And, sadly enough, Chris’ arc being shown presently rather than presented as backstory is almost precisely what killed him. My poor traumatized son. My third and final point is to finally settle this bullshit comparison once and for all, bc y’all see fit to do my son dirty.
***************
3. Carl vs. Shane vs. Negan
You know what made Shane so despicable? The fact that despite the many chances Rick gave him, he continually fought only for himself and his best interests, he continually wanted what Shane thought Shane deserved. He was selfish, arrogant, close-minded, obsessive, and downright untrustworthy.
Does literally any of that sound like Chris? Chris, the boy who tried to help Alicia over a fence and got punched in the face for it? Chris who tried so many fucking times to alert Travis and Madison that he was NOT FUCKING OKAY and needed help but they ignored him at every turn? The boy who kept making steps to leave the group because he thought they were better off without him there? The poor thing might’ve turned suicidal if he had been forced to stay with them.
“But Clara,” you cry, “remember that time Chris shot an innocent man?”
Yes, I do. I remember when my sneaky son tackled Travis pretending he just wanted a hug. I remember my angry garbage boy taking so much satisfaction in axing walkers between a fence.
You know who else shot an innocent man? Carl Grimes.
You know who else repeatedly takes pleasure in killing zombies? Carl Grimes.
You know who acts condescending, dangerous to their own families, and remark on the fuckability of every woman they meet? Shane and Negan.
You know who DOESN’T act condescending, dangerous to their own families, and remark on the fuckability of every woman they meet? Carl Grimes and Chris Manawa.
Huh. It’s almost like... Chris would’ve been another Carl Grimes, if he had had a competent parent who’d recognized his trauma and helped him through it. If the writers hadn’t chickened out by the fandom backlash and decided they were going to see Chris’ arc through rather than cut it short while they felt like they were ahead.
***************
BONUS ROUND: Trauma, Dissociating, and Cries for Help
Let’s just peep at some things Chris said while he was alive, mainly in his almost-final moments.
---
(when Travis is skeptical about joining James, Derek, and Brandon because  the Clarks are a perfectly nice group) “[Derek and Brandon] look at me different [from the Clarks].”
(When Travis says Chris is making a mistake by trusting Derek and Brandon) “I would hide at recess every day because the football guys used to make fun of me. What’d you tell me? ... The lesson was to fit in. I’m fitting in.”
(when Travis protests at Chris’ attachment to Derek and Brandon, saying he’s only known them for two days) “They’re my friends. James is my friend.”
(when Travis says they don’t need Derek and Brandon) “I do.”
(when Travis asks for the date) “No, dad, I lost track. What does it matter?”
(when Travis remarks he should’ve helped Chris) “I’m no good. Look at me. I’m no good!”
(when Travis asks what Chris is doing killing walkers behind a fence) “Making myself useful.”
---
Like. Holy shit, how does this not SCREAM to y’all that this is a kid who has a history of feeling like an unwanted outcast and he needs help my fuckignfw GOD this boy just needed HELP
He’s depressed and dissociating and angry and JESUS. He latched on to Derek and crew in two days because he’s that fucking desperate to be wanted and included and in on the joke for once
TL;DR don’t come for my son because I am upset and moody about this and he will always be more of a parallel to Carl than to Negan or Shane and I’m so goddamn FRUSTRATED that the writers didn’t have the guts to just fucking finish his fucking arc and let him be at peace god fucking damn I just
FUCK
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furidojasutin · 7 years
Text
Title: Caught between Honor and Heart - Tragic Ending
Pairing: Fraxus (Freed x Laxus)
Characters: Freed Justine, Ivan Dreyar, Laxus Dreyar
Rating: T
a/n: I... don’t know why this happened hA no actually I do, music but it did so... Have some angst. I rarely write angst bc I myself am not the biggest fan but I hope this will please some angst lobers out there, pfft. I highly recommend reading a bit slower and listening to >this< while doing soundtrack was what inspired me. More of this Knight/Prince Medieval AU: Part 1, Part 1,5, Part 2
The hall was dead silent. The only sound he registered was the beating of his heart and the soft sound his footsteps created when they made contact with the floor. He could feel their eyes burn on his skin, following his every movement. He didn't look down, instead held his head up high. He was not going to drop his pride, not even for one second.
Secretly, his eyes were seeking for one particular person in the hall. He knew Ivan planned to force him to watch... This cruel, cruel man. His stomach twisted sickly as he thought about leaving Laxus alone. He had failed him... He had failed Makarov... He had broken Ivan's rules more than once and while he was uncertain whether or not this mad king knew about his and Laxus intimate love he knew that this had not been the trigger for what was going to happen in a few minutes. All he had wanted to do was to make Laxus happier, stay tall for him when he was in rage or loneliness or sorrow and all because of this... this monster of a father, this monster of a King. But now it all found its ending... and not the one the two young men had hoped for.
His usual armor had been exchanged for a pathetic piece of fabric, sword not by his side and now Freed's breath got stuck in his throat. Breathing was suddenly harder as he came to a halt in the center of the large hall that was crowded with people all around him. His heart ached. He wasn't afraid of dying but he was afraid of leaving Laxus behind, of losing him. He didn't want to lose him.
Freed had yet to make out the familiar head of blond. He almost began to panic when he had a hard time recoginzing anyone really but that was before an all too familiar figure stepped out of the line of people before him with his disgusting grin. Oh he was going to enjoy this, wasn't he? No, he probably wasn't even going to do it himself, this coward, Freed thought and hardly felt himself gritting his teeth. They had probably been right to remove every weapon he possessed... but he was positive that it wouldn't stop him from reaching out and throttling the King right before him with his own hands if he did so much as to indicate that he would harm Laxus for the knight’s crime. He had broken the rules and influenced the prince, that's what Freed had told him after his own verdict had been decided on already. If he was to going to die then he would at least attempt to protect Laxus from following consequences to the best of his abilities.
"Sir Justine..." There was nothing but scorn in Ivan's ridiculous voice and he felt the new captain of the knights grip his wrists and pull his arms behind his back. Still afraid I'm going to harm anyone, huh? But a moment later Freed's focus was back on the face he disgusted so much. His heart roared at him to inquire after Laxus but... he could impossibly risk rising more suspicion, if that hadn't happen already, that is. He dearly hoped that it hadn't... If so... What was Ivan going to to to his son and the man Freed loved?
Rough fingers cupped the green-haired man's face, pressing against his cheeks in a hard almost painful grip. But he didn't care. This was nothing in comparison to the pain he was able to withstand, the pain he had experienced in countless battles, the pain he experienced in his heart at this very moment. Ivan moved closer and Freed could smell his foul breath. Their noses were almost touching and the knight's eyes narrowed to slits in challenge almost, chest heaving heavily in his hard breathing. "You should not have... broken my rules. Thinking you're smart enough to escape any consequences and drag my son into your disgusting business."
At first Freed's expression remained stern but when he heard the last statement he had troubles not to widen his eyes for a brief moment. Was that... Did that mean that...? Did Ivan know? About them? He dared to look aside but still couldn't spot Laxus and anew panic welled up within him. Perhaps he just didn't want to watch... Though he had been so certain that Ivan would force him to do so.
"I shall raise him to a glorious, powerful man. A true King."
"Oh I can be assured of one thing... He is going to be... a King ten times better than you are," Freed spit out between gritted teeth, eyes flaring and voice clear enough for everyone in the otherwise quiet hall to hear.
"You... Dirty, little bastard!"
Freed felt Ivan's nails dig into his skin and see the wrath in his eyes. He was well aware of what he had just said in front of his people. The truth. And this expression satisfied him. Lips curved into a bitter and somewhat devilish smirk when the King let go of his face and shouted for someone to bring in the sword. "A man who is unable to handle a simple truth will never be able to keep his people's respect, let alone rule a Kingdom. Laxus is the true King."
"Go to HELL!"
Freed only chuckled at the curse though his features twisted in pain when the man who had just fetched the sword aimed a hard punch at his stomach and the knight let out a groan in pain as he toppled to his knees. His bangs fell in front of his face and when he looked back up, his wrists tied up by now so the captain of knights could hold the weapon, there was ire burning in his gaze. This time however it got disregarded completely. All Ivan did was to send a nod towards his new captain before he walked back to his throne and seated himself on it. Oh he would indulge in seeing Freed's head drop on the floor...
But Laxus, where was Laxus? The green-haired male wasn't even certain if seeing him one more time would ease his pain or strengthen it but... He needed to see him, know that he was as alright as he could be in the current situation. Ivan's previous statement had caused more insecurity to form. What if he was going to punish Laxus more cruelly than ever? What if he was going to torture him? Laxus... please be safe...
Trying to ignore his hurting heart though not quite succeeding Freed dropped his head and felt how his long hair was being shoved out of the way for better access to his neck. Eyelids fell closed and he took a long breath. He had never been afraid of death... until he fell in love with Laxus.
The cold and familiar feel of metal pressed softly to his neck didn't do much to distract him. The only thing he wanted to focus on now was the man he loved before he fell, and hopefully with pride. He had his honor still. Tainted hands and a corrupted mind but loyalty to where it belonged, a heart at the right place and his honor. Do it already..., he thought and sucked in another breath as the moment seemed to stretch out far too long. But then, and at first Freed wasn't sure if it was just his mind playing tricks on him or reality, he heard someone shout.
"NO!"
Laxus? Heads turned everywhere and the man kneeling on the floor looked up just to see a head of blond hair storm through the left side of the crowd. Ivan spun around and Freed could hear him hiss in anger. Everything happened so fast. "Guards, stop him! Didn't I TELL you not to let him move?"
The prince was desperately trying to knock out every guard that crossed his path and tried to take a hold of him but even though his punches were forceful and accurate it was simply too much and he was weaponless. People stepped back, sounds of surprise and shock echoing through the hall. Some were covering their mouth with their palm, observing the scene in disbelief. Freed watched how Laxus sunk to his knees metres away from him and he could feel his heart twist painfully at the sight. Until now the blond had indeed been kept at bay somewhere in the room, forced to watch but not allowed to get close enough for this exact reason. Ivan knew that he would try to do something against the chosen punishment.
"YOU BASTARDS!" Despite being on his knees Laxus was still fighting against the two guards trying to hold him down, his expression desperate.
"Quiet and watch," Ivan commanded coldly, a strange madness flaming in his eyes. "The only bastard... is him." He pointed at Freed and that was the moment Laxus made eye-contact with the swordsman he had learned to love so dearly. "He broke my rules. And what... did I teach you about what happens to someone who breaks my rules?"
The prince didn't seem to listen at first. He was looking at Freed still, breath heavy and he saw how Freed tried to mouth something, 'Laxus, don't', but he didn't register it. Instead the blond now turned his head abruptly and snarled. "I don't care."
Ivan didn't pay attention anymore. Now that everything had come down to a moment of silence once again, finally, he gave the captain of knights the final nod. Laxus, forgive me..., Freed thought as he forcefully ripped his gaze away from the man that had captured his heart and soul wanting him to be the last thing he saw, Please be safe. I love you.
He closed his eyes, feeling a tear threatening to slip out of his left eye but he fought against it. The sounds of Laxus struggling and hearing the tone of his shouts become more desperate as he captain lifted the sword to prepare the final strike didn't help his own mess of feelings. The only wish Freed had now was for Laxus to stay safe. Please let him stay safe.
He squeezed his eyes shut, not able to stand this pain in the blond's voice, the anger gone entirely, but it was too late - with the sword's swift movement Ivan had taken away the last person Laxus held dear in his life and the prince cried out in agony as he realized that Freed was truly gone.
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heytaemin · 7 years
Note
odds (except 61)
thank you!! :D 
1. Favorite colorteal! followed by purple and silver3. Eye colora light blueish/gray depending on the lighting 5. Age20 and turning the big 21 this year 7. Tattoos?i don’t have any, but i’d like to get quite a few9. Favorite scentthe woods, campfires, the smell after it rains 11. Favorite time of dayprobably mid-morning, like 10-11am, especially when it’s nice and sunny out. it just feels like there’s so much time left in the day for me to do things13. Siblingsi have a sister who’s a year older than me and like 5 inches shorter than me15. On a day like today you would...?try to get organized haha. i’ve been trying to prepare myself for packing and stuff really17. The last text message you sent/received‘i’ve never had one before and just got one for studying abroad but i am sure that i shall use it a lot haha’ to @daesungismyeverything in our thrilling conversation about portable power banks19. Pick one thing to your left, what does it mean to youi have a stuffed koala in a sweater that my best friend gave to me for valentine’s day in high school and i bring it to college with me to remind me of her21. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?earlier today when i telepathically confessed my love to taemin i think i told my best friend i loved her the other day probably23. Who is your best friend and how did you meetokay so i have like 6 best friends tbh i met my friend ali in 6th grade but we didn’t really become good friends until like 8th grade or soi met my friend shayla in 8th grade (we shared homeroom together) and we’ve been ride or die since theni met livi in ??? 6th grade?? probably tbh but we didn’t really talk until like 10th grade or senior year i met emily/liz/natalie in college and we became good friends towards the end of freshman year/beginning of sophomore yeari met krysta before freshmen orientation and she and i have also been ride or die since then. she is my fellow salty gemini i met chad my first semester but we didn’t start talking until the summer after freshmen year where we talked for like 8-10 hours a day every day and the rest is history and i love him lotsand i met allison through tumblr about a year or so ago 25. Do you get sick oftennot really! i got sick a lot freshman year but i’ve done better at not getting sick by constantly washing my hands after going anywhere, though i get really bad seasonal allergies so from like now until april i like can’t breathe27. When was the last time you saw your familylike 20 minutes ago for my parents and last weekend for my sister29. Do you believe in true lovehonestly i’m not really sure how a person defines true love, but i feel like there’s really no formula for love. the way i see it is the relationship you have with someone is unlike any relationship you have with anyone else, so people can have multiple types of love for multiple people. personally i have different loves for a lot of people. (i also feel like that doesn’t answer the question oops) 31. When was the last time you got hurttoday tbh but it wan’t intentional33. What was the last fight you had abouti think the last really big fight i had was with an ex-best friend about keeping things from each other35. Have you seen anyone diejust pets37. Would you skip the bad parts of your life to be successfuli feel like the success wouldn’t be as meaningful if i was able to get it without experiencing any hardships. everything that’s happened in my life, the good and the bad, has made me who i am and i think it’s helped shape my goals in how i want to be successful.39. Have you left behind/ were you left behind in a friendshiptbh i feel like i’m growing apart from a lot of my close friends at the moment41. Who would you want to meet again in your lifethere’s a couple of friends who i’ve grown apart from since high school and i think it would be nice to be able to reconnect, but i’m not sure our paths will 43. What is something you regret from your pasti feel like being in denial about my sexuality is something i regret45. What was your last dream abouti really don’t dream that much! and i honestly forget them even when they are vivid enough for me to remember so i have no idea47. Talk about your favorite family membermy aunt! she’s my dad’s younger sister and she’s super funny and sassy and i love spending time with her. i only get to see her like once every 5 years or so but she’s still my favorite and i look up to her a lot49. Have you ever tried to take away your problems instead of deal with themi feel like i’ve been criticized by some people about ending our friendships when they would prefer to work them out, but my general philosophy is that if a relationship is doing more harm than good, and has been for a while, then it’s best to end it. i know a lot of people don’t agree with it but i think life’s too short to really be stuck being unhappy51. Have you been in loveyeah, with the second girl i liked and things very much fell apart before they ever began haha. it was really hard for like a year after we stopped talking, but it’s been about 4 years now and i don’t have any hard feelings towards her53. Describe your first ____ (since there’s a blank i’m gonna fill it in with cat bc cats are the best)my first cat(s) were named nikita and ming and we had them from when i was born until about 8 or 9 for ming and like 11 or 12 for nikita. ming was a siamese cat and nikita was a tabby cat and he was super fat until we got my cat tibbs who’s still kickin’ it today because he’d always chase him around our house55. Have you ever had to recover after somethingnothing really in particular, no57. Top ten life valueskindness, honesty, compassion, empathy, wit, humor, peace, commitment, respect, believing in others and yourself59. When was the last time you smiled and the last time you criedmy friend and i were talking about his sort of boyfriend but not really and he said something about him and then changed the subject to ask how my cat was and i said ‘very smooth’ in response to his comment about his not really boyfriend but it was a big miscommunication and it sounded like i implied my cat was smooth which is a very strange adjective to refer to a cat as and it was funny; also i watched a sad video at like 2 this morning and it made me cry
THIS TOOK A WHILE OH MY GOODNESS
also the formatting is messed up but i cannot be bothered to fix it rip
thanks again for asking!! 
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