#i should really get involved in the phandom again

[inthememetime]

It is disability awareness month, and because of this and the fact I, too, am disabled, I've decided to go with a trope that's tricky to write without being offensive.

That's right.

Body Horror

Here are the questions we'll cover today: What is body horror? What makes this trope go from an excellent horror device to an offensive abelist stereotype if not done correctly? How do we avoid being offensive? When is it most effective to use body horror?

It's all tricky; and sometimes, as with any time you're writing about a character's body, there's no way to avoid being offensive. But that doesn't mean we can't do our best!

Body Horror is basically a trope where someone goes through negative physical changes. See where this can get really offensive to disabled people really quick?

Things to avoid in body horror:

If your body horror is somebody in a wheelchair, you're not writjng body horror. You're being abelist.

If your body horror is scarring, again, you're being abelist.

Skin color changes to natural colors. Yes, I have seen body horror played like this before. Unless the skin color is changing to something unnatural, or growing massive scales, or similar, you're not writing body horror. You're being racist.

If your body horror involves somebody wearing/using oxygen, or- look. In general, if your body horror is what a disabled person goes through every day? You're either mislabeling your work, or you're abelist.

Things you should use in body horror:

Open wounds! Pus! Blood! Acid! Boils! Go for it! But please do not compare it to what a disabled person goes through. It should be in a context of"wow this is so terrible, this person is constantly oozing bright green blood and spores and stuff, or just looks like a walking corpse", NOT "wow this is so terrible, this person has bad acne, or wounds that need to be debrided regularly."

Eyes! No eyes, more than a normal number amount of eyes, weird pupils, glow, black pits where eyes once were, tears of blood- go for it! Have fun with the messed up eyes! (If your body horror consists only of cataracts, again, you're being abelist and ageist, not scary.)

Horns, scales, hooves, claws, messed up teeth- yay! Again, have fun! Go for it!

Hair- eh. It's tricky, hair loss. You can definitely use it, just be mindful that you don't portray ALL your evil characters/monsters as going through hair loss. Extra hair, though, can be fun!

A not normal number of limbs- does your OC develop 6 arms? Do they turn blue? Do you maybe need to look up deities in Indian mythology before writing something offensive? That aside: extra arms, legs, heads, wings, organs- usually pretty cool! If your body horror is someone is an amputee (no matter how many limbs they've lost), it's abelism.

With all the examples above, it's less what you write, and more how you write it. Let's use the monsters from I Am Legend. As part of a horrific virus, their skin bleaches out (turning to another natural color), experience full body hair loss, and temperature changes.

If it had focused on just one monster, that could've become a horrible racist and ableist thing very quickly. However, it's not. The body horror is a secondary thing to the very real and present horrors of isolation, constant vigilance, and violence.

In The Thing (something that helped really get the genre rolling), it's VERY effective body horror. It combines the terror of what this thing is becoming with isolation, distrust, fear.

In Teeth, the main character has what could be called a disability. However, she learns to use it, gets revenge, and likes having it at the end. In that, it's not ableist, any more than somebody learning how to use their crutches and finally being able to get around is. (Hint: not at all)

Now, body horror can also be played for laughs, like in Danny Phantom. Danny turns his lower chest into a giant ring of oozing ectoplasm to avoid a projectile. He gets cut in half and has a delayed reaction. In the phandom, there's tons of body horror chalked up to Danny being Danny, or 'Body Horror, but guys this is DP'.

The difference between these four is the atmosphere. And this is when it is most/least effective to use body horror:

Combined with fears of others/distrust

Combined with isolation/ can't get help

Unexpected- nobody knew this would happen, least of all the victims

A way for the change(s) to be useful, or even beneficial.

The victim liking the changes/thinking they're cool/using them to escape danger.

Changes in power dynamics. For example, if you have a victim of something, held against their will, then physical changes that enable them to get away and turn the tables on their captors might not be body horror to them. Better believe it's horrifying to the captor!

I hope this helps, if you needed it! And remember: the leas human/more horrifying the changes are, the less likely it is to be abelist.

#inthememetime #horror writing tips #body horror

[cawziiku]

Semi back in the phandom, felt like drawing him!

#danny phantom #phandom #phanart #dp #danny fenton #dannyphantom #art #my art #digital art #dp art #danny phantom doodle #felt like drawing him finally! #im actually kinda happy w how this turned out. kindaa #i should really get involved in the phandom again #this is like. my favorite fandom #yall are so talented and nice and junk #you dont often get that anywhere else #who knows?? #might draw my old aus again for the funnie

[paperandsong]

So, I still have a few more things to say. And then I think I might be done with this topic. I write this for the record.

One of the strangest things about @phandombigotryarchive /@wjsnsfriend is how she turned on so many people who once supported her fics. She has since changed usernames on ao3 and made her Pharoga fics anonymous – but they’re still there. And you can see all the people who left kudos and nice comments who were eventually harassed and driven out by PBA/@wjsnsfriend and @trans-flint.

The only interaction I had with PBA/@wjsnsfriend before February 2021 was when I left a nice comment on her fic Tristeza não tem fim. I was excited to see that title and to read in the notes that she had been inspired by the 1959 film Orfeu Negro. The interaction we had in her comments is probably why she mistakenly thinks I am Brazilian. Because she assumes things without knowing anything.

I’ve written two posts about this complicated film here and here. It is both one of my favorite films and also a deeply problematic piece of art. So problematic that Barack Obama wrote about his negative experience watching it in his book Dreams of My Father. In other words, it needs to be viewed with nuance. Nuance PBA did not lend Madame Faust’s work.

While Orfeu Negro is a Portuguese-language film, made in Brazil with an all Black cast, it was directed by a white French man, Marcel Camus. He was married to the lead actress, the Black American Marpessa Dawn, at the time of filming.

Among many issues with the film is a really awful and racist scene involving watermelon. I mention this scene in this post. [Photo after the cut]

I don’t criticize the quality of PBA’s fic or her use of Orfeu Negro as inspiration. I think the film is important enough to transcend the racism inherent in most films made at that time. But I find it extremely hypocritical that she would excoriate another author for addressing themes of slavery and racism in fanfiction while uncritically enjoying a film made by a white French man as problematic as this one. 

What was it about Madame Faust that really bothered PBA? And let’s not forget that PBA didn’t work alone. @trans-flint/ @cenfantomeenhabitnoir /elegantidler had a lot to do with PBA’s actions in February and March of 2021. They are both responsible for trying to destroy another author and to cause harm to as many people as possible within the Phantom of the Opera fandom. I wonder how long it took for them to plan it all out? From the tags in this post it looks like @trans-flint had some idea that he was going to start hurting people at least as of January 1 2021.

Why Madame Faust? Both PBA and @trans-flint wrote Pharoga fics and MF a was a popular Pharoga writer. And she is a nice person who they rightly assumed wouldn’t fight back. Within that MF call out post there was a long tirade about how all Pharoga writers are racist and Orientalist, again making assumptions about who Pharoga writers really are, completely ignoring non-white people in the PotO fandom.

I am not a Pharoga writer. PBA never came after any of my fics. I don’t think she even reads fic – not even MF’s fic beyond searching for some quotes to take out of context. I have often wondered why I was targeted by PBA - she wrote absolutely sickening lies about me – why was I even in her sights? Here’s what I think: PBA and @trans-flint went after people who shared common interest with them. I believe @trans-flint encouraged PBA to come after me because just a week before the MF post on February 25, I made a proposal for a PotO Paris Commune Week to be held in May. Clearly, he found this intolerable.

@trans-flint makes a lot of assumptions about the phandom and about how stupid he thinks we all are. The tags are interesting. While I am politically sympathetic to the Paris Commune, the execution of their 62 hostages was the worst thing they did and it damaged their reputation in history for decades. Leroux plays heavily upon this bad reputation too. Maybe the Commune was good – but executing hostages is always vile. Commune Week went really well, by the way. Even if PBA tried to spam the tag with some k-pop reblogs, because that’s not racist or fetishizing at all.

PBA reblogged this post from @trans-flint on March 5 2021 and she again insists that I am Brazilian and again tells lies about me.

I have never tried to excuse the trans-Atlantic slave trade – and neither did Madame Faust. It’s all lies. It’s disgusting that she would say this. It makes a mockery of actual racism. There is racism in the PotO fandom, absolutely. But MF’s fic was not it.

I never complained about anything PBA did until August 2021. It took me a while to get some perspective on what happened. But I think I get it now. @trans-flint and PBA laid out that MF post like a trap. They created something so outrageous that it would horrify everyone in the fandom, even people just watching it unfold. They were probably always going to make a list – that post was just a way to collect names. If PBA actually cared about racism in PotO, she would be out here calling out those who have said awful things about Lucy St. Louis. But she’s not. Her work is done.

But they’ve already lost. Their list has been proven meaningless. It protects no one. Even PBA seems to have forgotten about it. And I think the phandom should too. Let @trans-flint drive himself crazy trying to update it without using excel. 

#phantom of the opera #le fantôme de l'opéra #gaston leroux #black sails #wjsn #racism in fandom #poto #hypocrisy #see y'all in hell #pharoga #les misérables #good omens

[soupthatistohot]

Why do I write primarily mlm fanfic?

This was something I asked myself the other day. I am a girl, I think I'm queer (but I am attracted to men, whatever I am), so why do I fixate on mlm relationships? Why do I never feel compelled to write wlw or even just some good 'ol straight stuff? I brought this up to a few friends of mine who also watch anime. One of them said that it’s because lots of popular media only really focuses on developing their male characters well, and I think this to be a very suitable explanation (as well as the fact that I’m queer and thus gravitate towards queer stories).

Take Sk8 the Infinity for example. I could count the number of female characters in this anime on one hand, and one of them is a robot. The others are supporting roles who only serve to support the male main characters. I love Sk8 very much, and with the possibility of a 2nd season I’d love to see a prominent, well-developed female character (but if they make her Reki’s love interest I will literally stab someone). But as the anime stands right now, there are no female characters that aren't just basically plot devices.

Another show I love dearly, Yuri!!! on Ice, is much the same. While there can be more of an argument made here because 1) competitive figure skating is split up between men and women, and 2) I believe that the story Yuuri and Victor is absolutely meant to be a romance, so having the two men as the focus is somewhat necessary, there's an overwhelming lack of fleshed-out women in the story. All the female characters are supporting members that only exist for the benefit of male characters. Yuuko and Minako support Yuuri, Lilia exists so Yuri P. can improve, Mila is just... kind of there, and Sara's whole character is centered around her brother being overprotective of her.

Okay, so let's look at something a little less... fruity. Horimiya. I've only watched the anime, so if there's stuff I miss from not having read the manga (yet), please forgive me. I still think this is a valid perspective, though, because if there's female development that the creators decided was so unimportant that it could be cut, that still supports my point here. In my opinion, Miyamura is a lot more developed than Hori. He has his tragic backstory of being a loner, and having his secret piercings and tattoos and all that. A lot of the story ends up focusing on his side of things... despite the fact that Hori is the protagonist. The story follows her perspective for the most part, we learn things about Miyamura as she does, yet I feel like she's a bit dull. She has a uncommon home life and has to take care of her younger brother, that's her big bad secret? I get that it's kind of unexpected since she's the pretty, perfect, popular girl, but I still feel like it's a tad anticlimactic. It's hardly ever addressed beyond the first few episodes, too, and it just kind of exists as a fact within the story. Even beyond our main couple, it seems like the other female characters development and stories are all focused on the boy they're interested in (except for Sawada, but she's there for like a couple of episodes and then doesn't really show up all that much again... and her crush on Hori is handled really weird, I didn't exactly love it). Remi's entire character is pretty much centered around her boyfriend, and Sakura and Yuki are basically competing for Toru. Meanwhile, the guys have story beats themed around the girls they're interested in, but I feel like it's not as obsessive or dramatic as how the girls are depicted.

So, we're given these female characters, who are really watered-down and honestly kind of boring, and we're not super compelled to write about them. When we are given flat female characters, there's nothing to work with. It's more fun to use the characters who have had development and play around with the "what ifs" and our own personal headcannons. The characters who get this special treatment are primarily male. And while I commend a lot of shows for developing their male characters in such a way that doesn't exactly fit with society's idea of masculinity (ex: Reki's insecurities and depression, Yuuri's anxiety and femininity, Miyamura's isolation and depression), in the end these characters are still boys, men, males.

I also think mlm is so prominent because of both straight girls and queer people. For straight girls, it can often be fetishization (forgive my generalizing, I'm sure not all straight girls are like that, but an overwhelming amount definitely are). I think one of the best examples I can give for this is Phan. This is a bit different since it's not anime, but instead real people, but if anything that really drives home the point even more. The way Dan and Phil were (and probably still are) treated in the fandom internet space is disturbing, to say the least. Their audience, while much of it was queer, was also made up of an overwhelming amount of heterosexual girls who not only shipped them intensely, but also often sexualized them. And look, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a straight girl and writing smut, but it gets to a point where it can be kind of weird if its excessive. Like, if that's all the relationship is really about, and if the people you're writing about are real human beings, that's definitely overstepping. I will admit that I had a Wattpad and that I wrote Phanfic way back when, and this is something I'm not exactly proud of. Granted, I did not write anything explicit, it was still super weird, whether or not I was queer. And I'm not saying all the problematic aspects of the Phandom were because of straight girls, because what I contributed was arguably problematic, and I did not identify as straight at the time. At the same time, though, there were straight girls who wrote exclusively smut (or "lemons" as they might've been referred to at the time). There were those who analyzed every post, every bit of information they could find about these men on the internet. They obsessed over the fact that they occasionally shared clothes (which is fairly common for roomates of similar sizes to do), and gathered evidence to support the theory that they shared a bed. It was bad. It was invasive, and it got to the point where it wasn't about the people, it was about the fetishized fantasy these girls made up in their heads about these real, actual men.

Dan and Phil's online presence kind of disappeared for a few years... and I don't blame them.

Getting back on track, mlm is prominent for queer people because it's the LGBT representation they so desperately want to see actualized in media. If a show doesn't make their favorite queer ship canon (and they often don't), they'll do it themselves! That's what fanfic is for! I also know that queer people project onto these characters a lot, and that writing about them is almost like a form of therapy. They see these characters as queer, and they see themselves in these characters, so they write about these characters experiencing similar emotions to them. The thing is, the most compelling characters are male, so those are the characters they end up focusing on, even if the person in question is strictly sapphic. My best example is how I project onto Reki. Personally, I end up thinking of him as (and thus end up writing him as) having some internalized homophobia around being bisexual. That's literally what I am currently going through. I can't project this onto any of the female characters in Sk8, because I couldn't see them going through this experience because they're not developed enough to.

Despite all of this, I still enjoy all of the shows I mention a lot. I think it's just an interesting topic that I was thinking about. I'm not trying to bash anything that I used as an example, these were just my personal observations based off of what I know about these shows and their fandoms. I do, though, believe shipping real people isn't super cool, and I stand by that as someone who used to do it. I'm not going to stop you... I just think it's intrusive and inappropriate to pretend like you know enough about influencers to dictate who they should be involved with romantically. Their love life is, frankly, none of your damn business.

So, long story short, we should make anime (and popular media in general) less misogynistic.

(Also, please leave Dan and Phil alone, they deserve privacy)

#fandom #anime #mlm #queer #lgbt #lgbtqia #sk8 the infinity #yuri!!! on ice #yuri on ice #horimiya #kind of an essay #kind of a brain dump #I hope I got my point across #I spent a little bit too much time of this probably #yes I was a phannie a little while ago #don't judge me #I didn't want to tag this as phan for fear that they would attack me #I don't need the wrath of the phandom

[ahappydnp]

just curious u dont have to answer but since u have been in phandom forever do u regret stuff u did before

No, that’s a good question and I’m happy to be honest here! Yes, I do regret interacting and engaging with content that I shouldn’t have. The first time I engaged with (or even had heard of it) certain content, it was under the impression that dnp were ‘secretly homophobic straight bros making a mockery of actual gay people and they’re actually really awful and here’s a master doc to prove it’. So I went in ready to have my perceptions of them altered? Then quickly realized it...wasn’t that. (This was circa 2014ish and also the thing that made me get into the forum sites and start to engage with the community after 4 years of being a casual fan). But am I going to sit here and say that was the only time and that I haven’t seen archived posts/information I shouldn’t? No, that would be a lie.

Fandom culture, especially nonfiction, is complicated in that we’re used to consuming all information that is available. So it’s easy to just consume everything you come across without stopping to consider personal boundaries of its creators. So yes, I’ve definitely seen things that weren’t for my consumption. I’ve definitely engaged with things that should have remained private. However, I will say that I have never once directly engaged with dnp about those things. I didn’t really even engage with them in any context until relatively recently (I stayed firmly behind the 4th wall for most of my time here).

If I’m honest, I think my biggest regrets are some of the assumptions I made about them and their motives over the years. When TATINOF/TABINOF was announced I definitely was in the group of thinking they were “selling out”. I was frustrated and assumed the worst of them when they had only shown the opposite, that they were passionate and genuinely excited about the projects. I feel guilty that I assumed their motives had changed and they were going to become yet another youtuber who wanted a quick cash grab. (I especially felt awful when they reacted to the blacklash...that shit hurt). I remember Dan making that exam video in 2016 and me assuming he was trying to push out the old audience because the younger fans are the ones with expendable income and he just didn’t want us anymore. I remember thinking they would give up YouTube for the radio (lmaooo). In reference to my last post, I unfortunately was one of the ones who got mad at dnp for grouping us all in with those people who weren’t respecting their boundaries because I didn’t want to be associated with them (when I should have been empathetic that of course they couldn’t differentiate between who was doing what. All they knew was their community wasn’t respecting their wishes. (It felt like when the teacher yells at the whole class but you weren’t talking and now you’re resentful because you’re 12 and have a complex about authority figures).

And I definitely feel residual guilt about everything they’ve been through with the community. Even if I didn’t say anything to them directly, I still hate that they had those experiences. (Once again, it’s the whole class got yelled at and now I’m sad and want to fix it mentality). Sometimes I wish we as an audience could have a candid conversation with them about everything that’s happened and we could say some apologies and have some kind of resolution, but also that would involve digging a lot of old wounds back up for everyone and bringing things to light that maybe some people don’t know about? (It’s the counselor in me that’s like...let’s talk about this <3) BUT I do think they’ve forgiven A LOT and there’s not as much underlying resentment as some people like to believe.

#anon ask #long post #let me know if i should tag anything else #i feel bad blowing everyone’s dash up with my rambling saassdsada

[phandomphightclub]

Round 1 Results:  Prelude

Tali took a deep breath.  The air smelled of sweat, salt, and something burning—Tori trying to boil Dr. Pepper again, maybe?  Or maybe Sunsi’s soup.  They were pretty good at picking out specific smells, but the Denny’s contained such a motley blend that exact identification wasn’t always possible.

But they did know one thing:  It smelled like home.

A grin broke out on their face as they wove between the tables, patrons, and waiters bustling about.  The meme energy fueled their core, putting a spring in their step as they went to greet the guests of honor.

“Danny!  Tucker!  Sam!”  They called, flagging them over.  “You came back!”

“Like I’d miss a bunch of ghosts duking it out for the second year in a row!”  Tucker grinned.  “Even if I have to deal with Bug being a jerk, it’ll be worth it.  ...They’re not announcing this round, though, are they?”

“Not this time,” Tali answered.  “We’ve got some new announcers stepping into the ring!

“This should be interesting,” Danny said under his breath.

“More interesting than last year?”  Sam raised an eyebrow.

“Fair point.”

They’d been pretty invested in the Phight last year by the end of it, but the two of them looked a little more nervous now.  That was understandable; the Denny’s was even more packed than last year.  Word had spread so fast, there was barely enough room for all of the ghosts who wanted to participate.  Maybe next year they’d have to renovate the Denny’s to add more tables.  Dallas’s fidget spinner ones were so, nice, though…

Tali shook their head.  Next year could wait; right now it was time to make their guests comfortable.

“Alright, you’re just too late to place bets, but I can take you out the VIP box,” they said brightly.  “It’s less crowded there.”

“I hope you guys got some vegan options since last year,” Sam said as she, Tucker, and Danny followed Tali past Loaf, who was crashing some cymbals together loudly.

“Nice work, Loaf,” Tali saluted as they passed.

“And she’s playing the cymbals because…?”  Danny asked.

“Disrupts the frequency that this much ectoplasm in one place gives off.  Throws Walker off our trail.  Very important, you know.”

This was, in fact, a complete lie.  Loaf just liked playing the cymbals, and Tali liked the extra dose of chaos.  But the trio nodded, albeit skeptically.

“Anyway!”  They clapped before grabbing Tucker and Sam’s wrists.  “Flying will be faster.  The Stadium is much bigger this year.  Our cleanup staff carried in hundreds of cobblestone blocks from Technus’s Minecraft server to rebuild it.”

“Wait, Technus has a Minecraft serv—ahhhhhh!”  Tucker screamed as they vaulted into the air.  Tali caught Danny snickering before following.

“You still never answered about the food,” Sam pointed out, looking altogether unsurprised and being dragged through the air.  

She’d be a hard one to impress, but Tali had confidence in the Phighters.  This was going to be their best year yet… well, it was only the second year, but still.  

“Oh, someone probably came up with something.”  Food Poisoning, a new cook, could probably figure out tofu at least.  Tofu and poison sounded similar enough.

Vic was already waiting for them when Tali (carefully, of course) dropped two of their three guests in the VIP box.  

“No way.  You really did raid a Minecraft server for these.”  Tucker brushed his fingers across a block of lapis lazuli embedded in the wall.  There were a few other fancy blocks— emerald, terracotta, wet sponge— that broke up the monotony of the cobblestone.  For spice, Chaos had said. Considering Chaos’s idea of good design was the 90s era bowling alley carpet, it could have looked a lot worse.

“Only the best for our Denny’s,” Vic said before fistbumping Tali.  She’d been the one to orchestrate the raid on Technus’s server in the first place.  Tali hadn’t been there, but she’d heard it involved a lot of arson.

“How’s security?  Everything fine?”

Vic nodded.  “We’re all set.  No sign of Walker or Technus yet.”

“Yet?”  Tucker asked.

Tali laughed.  “Would it really be phight club if we didn’t have the looming threat of outside attacks hanging over us at all times?  The answer is no. No it wouldn’t.  But don’t worry, our security staff is incredibly capable of handling any ghosts who want to throw punches outside of the ring.”

“You remember last year, Tuck.  We’ll be fine.”  Danny shrugged.  Well, at least one of them had some confidence in the fine Denny’s employees.

“Alright!”  Tali pulled their kazoo out of their jacket pocket.  After a very loud DOOT DOOT, they gripped the tiny instrument like a microphone.  

“Welcome, Phriends and Phoes, to the second annual Phandom Phight Club!”

Applause sounded from the full stadium, warming Tali’s core.

“Get ready for a month of epic battles, memes, and other shenanigans!  We’ll be switching off between myself and our other three announcers throughout the round.  Sit back, order yourself a nice possibly-vegan ectolatte, and enjoy the show!”

#ppc 2020 #phight club #writeup #mod tali #IT BEGINS

[shookethbrooketh]

10k follow forever

so, i hit 10k followers yesterday, and in addition to my charity drive, i’ve decided to do a follow forever! it’s a pretty stereotypical thing, but i feel like i’ve got to do SOMETHING to show direct appreciation for the people who have gotten me here. so this one is specifically for my mutuals--especially the ones i’ve been following for as long as i can remember, or at least as long as we’ve each been around. all you guys have legitimately and seriously impacted my journey through life on this planet and on this website, and i thank you all dearly <3 

@aforeverhome // @ailiyah // @akilahthegreat // @amazignphil // @amazingphilly // @analester // @asspiano // @biphil // @cakephil // @cakescenes // @cheekybumsecks// @cherryscentedlube // @cleverphil // @corgisocks // @cozydnp // @danielsphil // @dans-softcurls // @danslawdegree // @dinosaurnerdhowell // @dip-the-pip // @dnpsuck // @floppy-ding-dong // @fondestphan // @golddustphan // @goldenpinof // @homosexuphil // @infinitylester // @inspiredlester // @it-hitsdifferent // @jorzuela // @legdabs // @lemonheadlester// @manchester-eye // @marigoldan // @martisun // @melodanmatic // @mylivingphantasy // @narcissehowell // @othersentencesbyphil // @phanbf // @phannie// @phanniephobic // @phan-toast // @philsmirk // @phloridas // @pseudophan // @queerdaisy // @shutup-rat // @snokoplazm // @starboydjh // @starlightdannie // @unorthodoxsavvy // @wispyphil // @wlwdannie // @whinywlw

now i have a few specific shoutouts! 

@comfortphan suze. we have been through a LOT. we’ve had our ups and our downs (especially the downs) but i don’t feel like it would be right to do a post looking back on my time here without shouting suze out. i’m glad we’re talking just a little bit again :-)

@flymetomanchester alex! i want to talk about alex because they were the person who put me in my first real phandom group chat! i’d made tons of little group chats leading up to this, but this was the first real group that i’d been a part of that i felt a connection to. after this chat, i moved forward into a bunch of others and created a wonderful network of people i love. i’ve known alex for a year and a half now, and i’m so glad i do :) 

@itsmydanpheelings jules!! jules has been one of my favorite ppl i’ve met on this hellsite. i’m so glad to have her in my life, even if most of our interactions involve cup pong. you’ve been here through thick and thin, and i thank you for it <3 

@mukbangphillie zoe!! zoe and i have been in piles and piles of group chats together, but my favorite interaction 

@ninnapons estela!! she’s one of the few people who really attempts to keep up a friendship with me while i sit idly and don’t ever text anyone, and i really appreciate that. i love our talks and i’m so glad we’re friends <3 

@phaddy sophia! sophia doesn’t really use tumblr anymore, but she’s one of my bestest internet friends and i’m glad i still talk to her about stupid shit over imessage. thanks for making a solid year of this blog a disaster uwu <3 

@philester i want to shout out anush for generally being one of the kindest people i’ve met in this fandom, especially in the category of the menacing “big blog.” almost every big blogger i’ve gotten to know has been an absolute sweetheart, but before i even spoke to anush she was so kindhearted and gracious, and i believe she was probably the first “big blogger” who followed me back, which meant a lot to me as a smol 13 year old trying to shitpost. thank u anush ily <3

@wlwhwkeye yeah, you’ve been a large part of my journey here. congratulations, i’m finally NOT ignoring you. 

@yiffandquiff i honestly can’t explain why i’m shouting alexis out other than that i feel like i should. honestly the whole of @thephandommonthly has had a massive impact on me in the phandom, but i’m going to have long lasting memories of talking to alexis about general opinions, phandom garbage, and adult life. alexis is almost like the older sister full of advice that i never had, and i’m so glad i get to work with her on multiple projects <3 

i love all of you guys so much, whether you got a shoutout or just a mention. over the last two and a half years, you’ve all impacted my life, and i’m so grateful to be here and have all of you as a part of my life. if i ever travel the world, you guys better hit me up because i’m coming for each and every one of you. <3 thank you for everything you’ve done for me, whether it’s that big 10k number or just a kind interaction. ily all <333

#mutuals #not ph*n #follow forever #10k ff

[adziedoodle]

Hey Adzie! What are your thoughts on people, such as ImAllexx, accusing the Phandom of essentially ruining Dan's life and preaching that we basically shouldn't knowledge their bond/potential relationship at all, if you don't mind sharing?

(just want to apologise for all the commas and dashes -  I honestly have no idea when the right time to use one is i just do it when my brain pauses in a sentence and it makes it easier for me to process what i’m saying when reading back ahaha)

–

I don’t really want to watch a monetised discussion video to Dan’s coming out video tbh. From what I’ve seen others who have watched it and have saide about what it involves, it seems Alex is jumping on a misinformation and inexperienced-of-the-phandom-history train to voice an opinion and create more talk about and in a community that already has a bad public image from (understandably not so good) past behaviours of certain individuals/groups of individuals. 

Again, I doubt this was Alex’s intention, and I think without proper pieces to the puzzle, it’s easy to fill the gaps with your own opinions and speculations of the people involved. Heck I may be being a bit hyprocritical here for not .. watching the video but… err … overall, I mainly trust Nora’s @pseudophan​ judgement that she expressed in her reply tweets here because it’s my understanding she’s a fan of Alex’s videos usually and I feel like she’d be able to shape an opinion  regarding his content and new video better than I could :). I also agree with others who are adding to the points Nora gave (the majority seem to be saying this).

–

Speaking outside of Alex’s video - There’s been this weird rise of people saying stuff along the lines of ‘DON’T FETISHISE DAN AND PHIL, STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT PHAN’ … and I just wanna add my two cents…

1) in regards to fetishising - I want to argue the majority of folks NOW aren’t sexualising dan/phil/their relationship - from what I’ve seen, solely on twitter mind you, it’s just folks reminiscing or being reminded of on old content that’s already public and applying a new context now that we know more about Dan, and from this, enjoying the idea of two, now out, queer people being happy together (in interactions or in a relationship) ☺♡ That can sadly still be a rarity in this world we live in, so it’s honestly just… heartwarming to see! People should be allowed to enjoy that!

I think I’ve mentioned this before already, but I speak for myself as a queer person when I say I’ve always resonated with both Dan, Phil, their experiences, and their seemingly growing harmonious, happy and safe relationship, even before I really knew I was queer myself, and now I have more knowledge about who they are and what that means to them themselves, it ultimately shines a more validating light over all of what they’ve done together and shared with us ♡ 

I believe if others like me wanna express that joyful reassurance (or any other feeling, or just general joy for dan and phil) in the form of a fan fic, fanart etc. - which dnp, even before they were out, have both expressed multiple times is OKAY, and even taken part in themselves both in TABINOF, their videos and TATINOF, and II. It’s simply a form of creativity, feeling and I honestly think D&P have expressed enough. They GET IT and it’s okay to do.

To reiterate, boundaries should be established and respected, but overall I believe the majority of people are happy for Dan (and Phil) and their relationship they have. If I haven’t impled already -  it’s empathy, it’s relatability, it’s forming a community and expressive art of all kinds in that community around those things. 

I’d also argue, there are those who wanna disrupt all that jazz, those who don’t feel the same way (not the ones who don’t mind/care like y’all chill but the ones who get angry at it all or feel the need to protect Dan and Phil from ??? it??), are usually the ones who ignored and denied this outcome of Dan (and/Phil) coming out / being together ever being a possibility in the first place. 

Yes, there is definitely an issue of folks sexualising online personas of real people, and it’s hard to tackle because it’s still so new in the grand scheme of things… and yes, fetishising queer people in general, outside of the phandom, is very much a thing …but I want to believe most of those/us involved in the phandom have grown from and past the evidence folks (like Alex) used which, from what I’ve seen people say, is dated.  I want to believe it’s different, we’re different now and from that… I want to believe one of the reasons Dan came out now is because he’s felt that change and difference too.

2) In regards to ‘phan’ - Dan made it clear in his video, his queer story, that Phil was a vital part of it. Phil was a vital part of his growth in feeling safe and happy and it’s likely without that, Dan wouldn’t be where/who he is today or out and proud like he is now.  The audience/phandom who’d I’d argue are of a majority queer/LGTBQIA+ which adds a whole over layer I’ve already expressed embracing and continuing to love this aspect of Dan’s life that/who happens to also be Phil, is not on the same level as someone being like ‘omgggg phan is real’ or ‘omggg my ship is canon!!’.  I feel like this is a very common misconception people have of the [demon] phannies/people who appeared to ‘ship’ D&P… in and outside the phandom.

I want to put forward also that generally speaking ‘phan’ is a term used to abbreviate ‘dan and phil’s relationship’, usually in romantic/sexual/whatever contexts, so in a way, yes, at the same time, TECHNICALLY, ‘phan’ is and has been real, but NOW, with new context (and for those who discovered/concluded this for themselves before Dan’s video), it’s not about shipping or our perception of what D&P’s relationship is, so ‘phan’ as a term isn’t necessary – and, really wasn’t ever but !! language is annoying.  – it’s about the reality of D&P and what their relationship is to each other. 

Personally speaking, I’ll say what I’ve said for the last few years when I moved away from ‘shipping’ them and seeing myself and my relationship in them/theirs… I just like seeing two people I care about, care about each other and be happy together. The layers of them being men expressing themselves openly with each other (and us), men who have experienced something ‘more than romantic’ together, queer/gay/out men who describe themselves as ‘soulmates’ is significant too. They’re going to mean something to people and honestly to just say that we’re ‘making it about ‘phan’’ as a ship, is not cool and a misunderstanding of what’s really happening. 

I think, if people want to use the term ‘phan’ for convenience (e.g. I use ‘phan’ as a tag just to categorise any content to do with dan and phil, it isn’t to do with their relationship aside from the fact that they do stuff together) instead of using the clunky ‘dan and phil’s relationship’ phrase like I have been doing throughout this reply - that’s like.. okay.. imo. It’s not ideal, sure, but, it communicates what you’re trying to say clearly! Again. Language is annoying, communication is hard when it is.

here are a few other cool tweets with points that I attempted to repeat but honestly don’t do justice so please read for more insight into all this (and if you’re gonna say anything, be nice to the OP’s pls #nicerinternet):  X , X, X, X , X this one isn’t entirely related but it made me cry so, X , X , X,

–

I hope.. I worded this okay.. I may come back and edit it . anyone’s welcome to add what they think in response to anon’s original message! thank you for sending your message anon and allowing me a chance to get my rambly thoughts out!

#phan #phanrambles #basically i'm gay #important #queer stuff #anonymous #answered #gOD IVE MISSED WRITING OVERLY LONG ESSAYS ABT DNP IM SORRY AHAH ?? CONDENSING ? IDK WHO SHE IS

[kae-karo]

hey! you're a phanfic writer, and i started writing a phanfic that i was intending to get back to, but i saw the video, how much phan has affected dan. in your opinion, should we as a fandom write fics about them now? creatively, i want to get back to mine - youtuber RPF was how i got into fandom and fanfic in the first place - and i was proud of what i wrote. ethically, i never want to pry into real people's lives again. if you choose to answer this, thank you. 💖

hi dear! oof, this is such a controversial question and lately for me (even before dan’s vid, but especially in light of his openness with what he’s chosen to share) i’ve questioned whether i feel comfortable writing phanfic - for me, the characters i write are based on dnp but, of course, i never actually see them as the real human beings dan and phil who i am actually writing about. which sounds kinda weird i guess as a clarifier but i don’t see the people i’m writing about as dan and phil, i see them as characters who share some key characteristics, but that doesn’t inherently change the fact that these are stories we collectively agree are based on dnp (or, in some cases, written about their actual real lives to the best of our abilities and knowledge and speculation and wishes) and, perhaps for me, it’s time to acknowledge that i may not be as okay with that as i was initially when it was fun and shiny and new and i didn’t feel the same empathy toward dnp as i do now cause, hey, they were just on the internet! they didn’t feel like real people to me (yet)

it’s easy to see dnp as these other beings, separate from the space we occupy as fans. which isn’t necessarily bad, but it can lead to a lack of empathizing, an entitlement to feeling like we deserve something for our hours of commitment to them - entitlement to knowledge, entitlement to their lives, entitlement to [insert thing here that we want and are not getting]. and an entitlement to do with ‘them’ (or their personas, or the concept of them put into fictional stories) whatever we want. and i think it’s that kind of mindset - a mindset a lot of us have had with dnp and have been conditioned to have by the phandom and the ‘that’s the way we’ve always done it’ mentality - that led to the invasions of privacy dan mentioned in his vid

now. to be clear. i think fanworks are incredible and amazing and the writers are so talented and thoughtful and imaginative and well-spoken, but maybe now’s the time to sit back and acknowledge how much we love them, how much we genuinely care for and support them. we had this outpouring of honesty and openness from dan the likes of which we never expected, barely hoped for in our wildest dreams, and alongside it we were presented with a request: privacy

is writing phanfic inherently going against that request? on the one hand, i and most writers acknowledge that our characters are not dnp because we will never know the true dnp by virtue of the fact that they do not share every little thing about them and their lives with us. but on the other hand, is it not still invasive to write as if we know them? as if we have all the intimate details of their lives? their relationships?

idk this has been a bit of a crisis for me as well, when i allow myself to think too hard about it. i love writing about these dorks, i really do, but there’s a piece of me that has always felt a little inkling of doubt about it, and it’s grown much larger in the past 6mo or so - i can never know for certain what they think about what we write, but it wouldn’t be unreasonable of them to feel uncomfortable about it. i wouldn’t blame them. they didn’t ask for us to write about them, about their lives, about our hopes for them or our issues projected onto them as a form of self-therapy, about them as a way to explore or even flex our knowledge of things so personal to them or their relationship they’ve been buried or deleted. they didn’t ask for us to pick and pull at perceived traits of theirs and expand them into entire personalities, such that we’ve created stereotypes among our own fandom about them that bleed back into the way we treat them, talk about them, talk to them

i’ve written over seven hundred thousand words about these dorks, and some of the things i’ve written are, for all intents and purposes, about dnp’s lives. they’re ‘canon’ works, as much as they can be, but so many of my more involved stories have never been about dan and phil, they’ve been about these characters who could really be anybody except they have black and brown hair and blue and brown eyes and they both like muse and mario kart and so hey, it fits pretty well, doesn’t it?

but the reality is that maybe it’s time to make my stories about other people, ones that don’t exist as false approximations of actual humans in the real world. my empathy gauge is painfully strong sometimes (i have trouble with like,,,,,,,even just pruning plants okay like i just really feel for everything so much) so perhaps this is something that weighs heavier on me than others, maybe i’m overthinking it or maybe i’m being too sensitive, i’ve certainly been called that before. but i think perhaps, as dan moves on to his new chapter, maybe it’s time for me to do the same

#phanfic #dnp #dan and phil #danielhowell #reyofsunlight666 #ask #kt

[icequeenjules26]

All I Want (For Christmas) Is You

Summary:  Dan Howell's life as a student of modern piano music is completely turned upside down when he is grouped in an assignment with Phil Lester...

Word Count: 7,2k

Tags: University AU, Fluff, Pianist!Dan, Guitarist!Phil, 

A/n: This is written for @babethepig for the Phandom fic Fests Holiday Exchange. As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my love @succubusphan, who spent a lot of time beta’ing this. You’re the best. <3 

Read on A03

Dans schedule was a proper mess this semester. His decision to specialize in modern piano music got frowned upon not only by his parents but also by his Uni, so his curses were not nicely fit together anymore. He had a lot of free time in between, but his time gaps were too short to get back to his dorm, so he mostly stayed on campus, spending his free time in one of the multiple coffee shops around or with his friend Louise, who was assigned a dorm room much closer to campus than he was.

 That’s how he caught wind of it first.

 He had always been good at playing the piano, the time at uni had only helped with that, obviously; but that he was supposedly the best in his studies had always sounded like an exaggeration. There were a lot of piano students, so he had tried toning down the people talking about him, directing them to someone else. Aside from his musical ability there wasn’t much interesting about him, though, so he had drifted out of the other students’ eyes - at least aside from the talk about whoever was supposed to be dating this week. His open bisexuality made for a large pool of possible suitors, but there were students much more interesting to talk about.

 Now, though, he was back inside of the rumor mill, and right in the center.

 It started off innocently enough.

 “The instruments students are doing trios this year, did you hear?” The two girls in the booth right next to his were chatting animatedly with each other, obviously unaware of him just sitting half a meter away. “Yeah, I’m so excited! We haven’t seen Dan Howell performing for a while, which is a shame. Him at a Piano is enough to get me going to be honest.”

 Dan was already puffing out his chest like a peacock, debating on whether to go over there or at least make his presence known otherwise, when the other girl’s reply made him halt in his tracks. “I mean same , but have you seen Phil Lester lately? He got rid of his emo fringe and stuff. He’s scolding hot .” She layed extra emphasis on the word hot and in Dan’s head, two mindsets started battling over what to do. The first one expressed some kind of jealousy in a “I wanted to tap that girl”-kind of way, the other one wanted to spring onto facebook to check out the guy they were talking about, whose name sounded kind of familiar.

 Former emo fringe musician that got hot? Sign him the fuck up.

 Chuckling lowly about his screaming bisexuality he continued listening, his interest now peaked.

 “Well, they’re doing trios right? Just imagine both of them on stage together…”

 The other girl actually moaned at the thought and Dan couldn’t contain the smirk creeping on his face. He took a sip from his coffee, his still open laptop on the table in front of him long forgotten. He probably should be working on one of his assignments due this week, but the girls’ conversation was too interesting to ignore.

 Dan had to suppress some swearing when his laptop dinged with an incoming email. He could hear the girls whispering behind him when they looked over because of the sound, realizing who he was - “Oh my god is that Dan Howell?” and “Oh my god, do you think he heard us?” -  and he quickly leaned forward to appear busy.

 The email causing the ‘ding’ was actually about the assignment the girls had just been talking about. He packed up his stuff immediately when he had read through it. The list of assigned groups had just been hung out in front of his professor’s office and she invited all participants to a meeting in about half an hour on the other side of the campus, so he had to rush.

 ~~~

 Even the rushing didn’t help in the end, the unfortunate incident of a broken down bus costed him the time to check the list before the meeting started. When he got there he still had no idea who his partners were, so he didn’t understand the reason behind the quiet whispers that started when he set foot into the lecture hall. He managed to find his friend Louise quite fast and slid into the free spot next to her. “What’s the fuss about?” he asked her quietly but before she could answer, the door opened again and a group of professors walked in.

 Their looks varied about as much as those of the students sitting in the audience, making for a quite colourful group. For this assignment, nearly all rock-centered curses were thrown together, not only piano but also guitar, drums, bass, violin and multiple other instruments. The hall was packed full, but the arrival of the professors assured silence among the students.

 “Good morning everyone! Hopefully you all checked the list and are in the process of contacting your partners. Teamwork is the key for this assignment! Because of the number of students most groups consist of one piano student, one guitar student and one of another instrument, specifically arranged to play into your strengths and make you work on your weaknesses.” The young male professor’s voice rung soundly through the hall and Dan couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. Prof. Smith, responsible for the guitar department and  specialized on rock music, was so completely different from his own professor and so cliché rock musician that it offended Dan’s believes; he fit the stereotype perfectly, including tattoo covered arms, piercings and wild, green hair, often sporting band shirts.

 Prof. Johnson, on the other hand, was nothing like her profession. She was a middle-aged woman with slim, neon green glasses and grey eyes that always seemed to shine with mischief. Her jet black hair fell in untamable curls onto her shoulders and she seemed to never leave the house without a nerdy T-Shirt, merch for some comic, TV-Show or movie. When she stepped forward, the whispers around the hall got louder and the grin on her face was so wide Dan couldn’t help but grin back. He liked his Professor, even if she tended to overstep her boundaries and was eager to make friends among the students.

 “If you have questions you can always turn to me or Mr. Smith, Mr. Miller or Mrs. Adams, or any of the other Professors involved,” she said, then paused for a second to let the murmures and voices ring out.

 “Now, we know this is a big thing among the student body, but we hope you can keep it as low as possible. Drama and relations, as fun as they are to watch for us, will only make your work harder. If you want to outplay this though, be assured I will be watching with a glass of wine and popcorn.” There were chuckles among the group and Louise next to him went red trying to keep in her laughter. Dan grinned at her and made a mental note to tell her about the girls he had encountered before coming here.

It took some time for the students to calm down, but when she continued speaking, Dan was shocked into silence. “That also goes for other students aside from yourself. The list is out for half an hour and the only duo involving Mr. Howell and Mr. Lester has already caused an uproar throughout the whole university, so please think about what you are causing when you speak about information like this next time.”

 The rest of the meeting went by in a blur. The professors informed them of the nature of the assignment - the whole thing had pretty much the built-up of a generic talent show. They had to cover one song each week in an open, on-campus concert starting in two weeks. Each week two groups would be voted out by the professors until three groups remained for the finale.

 At the end Dan didn’t remember anything the professors had explained to them. He would beg Louise for her notes tomorrow, but that wasn’t the important thing right now.

 The important thing was that he was supposed to perform with the one and only Phil Lester - and after a quick facebook check he realized why the name had sounded so familiar. Dan had had a crush on the cute and amazingly talented guitar player performing every saturday in a close-by coffee shop for weeks until he had disappeared. What made it even harder for Dan was the fact that the girls had been right.

 The guy had gotten hot as fuck.

 Louise’ mumbled keep it in your pants seemed almost impossible to stick to.

 ~~~~

 It took Dan around half a week to stop running from Phil. He kept himself busy with papers not due for at least a few more weeks and working harder for other assignments than he ever had before - he did anything that would make him forget about the short message from Phil awaiting him on whatsapp, where he introduced himself and informed him they were partners. The little dog emoji at the end of the message made him squeal like a schoolgirl, but that was exactly the problem. He had to keep it professional. Which would be difficult considering the increasingly hot pictures Phil posted on his facebook and instagram…

 On thursday Dan finally realized he wouldn’t be able to hide from this forever, as he couldn’t afford to fail this class. So he decided to suck it up and went with a generic confirmation and the question to set a time for their first rehearsal as a reply.

 On friday Dan was about as nervous as he could be. Fidgeting the entire morning, he changed his outfit for at least five times until Louise threatened to rip his whole wardrobe to shreds if he didn't decide soon. Her teasing didn’t make his job any easier though. He was supposed to meet Phil in less than half an hour in one of the practice rooms in the music building half a campus away and he was dying a little.

 “Do you really think I look okay?” he asked Louise, who was seated directly next to him on the bus, anxiously running his fingers through his brown locks. Louise caught his wrist mid-movement and forced his hand back into his lap before she patted it sympathetically. “You look great, Dan. Just don’t behave like the little schoolgirl you’re portraying right now, okay?”

 Dan couldn’t get rid of the blush creeping onto his cheeks for the rest of the bus ride.

 When he arrived at their booked practice room, Phil wasn’t there yet. Sighing in relief, he let his backpack sink to the floor before moving over to the piano, situated on a little pedestal in front of the window. He took a seat on the stool right in front of it and let his fingers run over the keys testingly. A series of notes rang through the air and he realized delightedly that the piano was pitched precisely.

 He let his fingers push the keys purposefully and before he knew it they strung together to one of his favorite songs. He started singing along, just for the fun of it; but he got completely lost in the music. At one point a second voice joined in, harmonizing with him to an unbelievable extend, but he didn’t even realize; it just sounded like it had been there from the start.

 Like it belonged there, ringing alongside his own.

 Only at the end of the song he realized what had happened. When the last note rang loud through the now deafening silence he whipped around, eyes wide - and met the bluest eyes he had ever seen.

 He wanted to avert his eyes, wanted to check who it was, but he couldn’t; for a few moments, he was frozen, lost in time, no connection to reality except for the blue he was drowning in.

 The moment shattered like glass around him when some kind of crashing noise pierced in from outside of the room and Dan was finally able to move his eyes.

 “That was beautiful,” a deep, melodic voice said and he couldn’t help but stare at the black haired figure standing proudly and tall at the other end of the piano, smiling at him reassuringly.

 Dan had to blink a few times and pinch himself covertly, but the picture in front of him stayed the same: Phil Lester, in all his delicious glory, eyes shining so bright Dan was sure he’d need sunglasses.

 “It was,” he agreed with a raspy voice, watching wordlessly as Phil made his way over to him. “I’m Phil,” he said, sticking out his hand in front of him and Dan had to gulp down his fast rising excitement. I’ll get to touch Phil Lester!!

 When it happened, when their hands touched, he almost flinched back. A warm feeling shot up his arm at top speed and for a second, he forgot how to breathe. Holy shit.

 “Dan,” he rasped back, staring up at Phil with wide eyes, not really sure what to do with himself, only one thought ringing through his mind - if touching Phil felt like that , how amazing would kissing him be?

 Obviously, the black haired guitar player was not as shocked as Dan. “So, do you think we found our song for the first show?”

 Just like that they slipped over into work - and working with Phil, Dan learned, was just as easy as breathing.

 ~~~

 The first week with Phil was like walking on clouds. The numerous holes in Dan’s schedule made for good practice times, and the fact that Phil didn’t have many classes this semester meant that he was there for almost every one of them. Work flowed easily and smoothly and on monday they were already done segmenting the song and deciding who would get to sing which parts.

 But not only the work went great, even their voices harmonized like they were meant to be heard together. They didn’t even need transitions between Dan’s singing parts to Phil’s, the changes from line to line went just as smoothly as the ones with longer instrumental intervals between.

 Tuesday evening they were basically ready to perform. Dan had his piano playing recorded as a playback to make him more flexible on stage instead of immobile behind a giant instrument. Phil’s guitar skills maybe didn’t quite match Jimmy Hendrik’s yet, but they were definitely up there, and he had the song down to a T. Neither of them had classes the next morning, so as they were leaving the practice room, Dan felt quite courageous from all the adrenaline still rushing through him after a perfect run - and he boldly asked Phil if he wanted to get a coffee somewhere before retiring to their respective dorms.

 Ten minutes later they were sat in a coffee shop right off campus. Dan chose a cozy little booth in the corner directly next to the window front while Phil went to get their coffees. When Dan took the first sip of his drink he almost spat it right back out, but instead moved to first eye the drink and then Phil suspiciously.

 “How do you know?” he asked, his voice almost high pitched as he narrowed his eyes.

Phil just raised an eyebrow into an almost perfectly shaped curve, looking at Dan questionably as he calmly took a sip of his coffee, not saying a word.

 “How do you know my order?” Dan specified and watched incredulously as Phil’s full, kissable lips spread into a wide grin. He could almost picture it, attaching his own lips onto his as they spread into the exact grin before the kisses started to get more serious, more heated, Phil’s fringe messed up, his cheeks red as clothes were coming off…

 Oh my god, stop betraying me, goddamn heart.

 “I didn’t. I just ordered two of my usual order.”

 Phil’s voice ripped him out of his daydream and for a second he couldn’t do much else than stare in stunned silence. “You drink caramel Macchiato, too?” he asked, blinking. Huh. He really hadn’t expected that from a guy as hot as him…

 Jesus fucking christ, actually shut the fuck up!

 Dan’s attraction to Phil had risen to an unhealthy level by now. Not only was he hot as fuck, no; during their practice time Dan also had had to learn that the guy was smart, funny, lively, and talented as fuck , even more than Dan remembered him to be. Dan was lucky the assignment, and working on the music kept him busy and focused, or else he would have probably jumped the guy by now.

 “It’s my all time favorite,” Phil confirmed, his grin transforming into a cheeky smile, and Dan couldn’t keep a blush from dusting his cheeks pink.

 “Mine too,” he admitted and took another tentative sip from his drink, purposefully avoiding Phil’s eyes. He knew that if he looked into them now, he would drown in them.

 For a few moments it was silent between them, both nursing their coffee, Dan deeply lost in thought about the blueness of Phil’s eyes.

 “So, Muse, huh?”

 It was Phil breaking the silence and Dan looked up, surprised. It took him a second to realize how Phil had even known he liked Muse , until he realized they had met while singing their song Thought Contagion before choosing it for their first performance. This time he was pretty sure he kept the blush at bay.

 “Yeah. I love them.”

 Phil’s mouth stretched into a happy smile, his eyes shining brightly, full of honest excitement as he started chattering about them. Dan had to gulp and pinch his hand unsuspiciously to keep himself from losing his mind .

 They moved from Muse to Panic! to Fallout Boy to Paramore and even further. Albums became scores, which lead the way to games, movies and TV shows. It was almost scary how much they had in common, how much their interests overlapped, and it actually took Dan a while to remember a question he’d had since he’d heard of the assigned groups.

 He used a temporary lull in conversation - one that he could have easily filled with something relatable to the topic they were on, mind you - to finally ask.

 “By the way, do you know why we are the only duo?”

 Phil raised his eyebrow, a cheeky smile back on his face and Dan knew there was a blush creeping up his cheeks yet again. He couldn’t help but feel like he missed something vital here, but he had no idea what exactly.

 “Did you not pay attention at the meeting?”

 Dan felt his eyes widen in surprise and blinked, cheeks even hotter than before. “I might have been… preoccupied ,” he admitted and Phil’s smile grew into a full-blown grin.

 “Prof. Johnson and Prof. Smith spent like ten minutes explaining,” he informed Dan, “Apparently the numbers didn’t match up and they had to have one duo, so they both chose their best student and realized we would be a good match.” He put special emphasis on the word match and for a second, Dan wasn’t sure if he would be able to stay conscious. Was he just making a joke… Or was Phil Lester really flirting with him?

 “We - we are,” he stammered in response and Phil’s chuckling send his heart into overdrive. Oh god. How was he supposed to survive at least 2 more months working with the guy?

 “I think so too,” Phil whispered back with a husky voice, making Dan choke on his long cold coffee.

 Fuck, these next weeks are going to be torture.

 ~~~

 The next monday morning Dan found himself in yet another on-campus coffee shop, putting the finishing touches on an assignment that was due today. Normally it was a break he would spend with Phil, but he had stuff to arrange with one of his professors, so they decided he would join up with Dan as soon as he was able to. They had managed to get a headstart on this week’s performance by starting working on it on saturday, so they weren’t in much of a rush. They had decided on a song and discussed divisioning on sunday already; it was only practicing left.

 Of course the performance on Friday had gone great. They had gotten a lot of applause by the watching students, the little hall on campus used for performances had been packed to the rim, so there had been at least a few hundred watchers. The professors had obviously also been satisfied with their presentation, considering they had informed them they would progress into the next round even before the whole show had been over.

 So Dan and Phil had spent their Friday night celebrating. Even though neither of them were really the party going type, they had agreed to go out for a few drinks with their best friends Louise and PJ - who, coincidentally, were in the same group - and Tyler, a music production student Dan had been friends with for years. He had flirted with Phil quite obviously and had teased Dan for his sour mood afterwards, but had assured him that Phil only has eyes for you, you dumbass, pay attention!, coupled with a playful whack on his head.

 The memory let Dan grumble absently, but the arriving of a group of students in the booth right behind him ripped him away from his trip down memory lane. “I mean, they’re both bisexual, right?” one of the girls stated while taking a seat, making him peek up immediately. He liked to hear stories about his fellow unicorns and regretted only becoming aware of this conversation after it had already started.

 “They are,” a guy’s voice confirmed. Dan was pretty sure he had heard the voice before, but he didn’t have the courage to turn around and check. He was lucky enough to not have been spotted by the group, he really didn’t have to push his luck.

 “Have you seen their sexual tension? I know you want to fuck them both, Caleb, but come on.” The female voice was followed by a male groan and the sound of a head meeting the tabletop. “I knowww,” was the answer, “I’m sexually deprived, not blind .”

 Dan raked his brain, trying to figure out who they were talking about. Being friends with Louise and Tyler meant that he was mostly up to date with recent campus gossip, and he really wanted to tell them about this later.

 “Did you know there’s already a bet going on? About if they’ll be dating by the end of this semester.”

 “Which idiot would even bet against that?”

 The booth erupted into laughter and Dan furrowed his eyebrows, thinking. He leaned forward, trying to appear busy, but in reality the assignment currently open on his laptop was the furthest thing from his mind.

 “Okay, but aside from all that they were the best group, even if it was just the two of them. They’re gonna win this thing, hands down.” 

Dan’s eyes went as wide as saucers as realization seeped into him. They weren’t really talking about -

 “Absolutely. Thought Contagion was brilliant, I’m so excited to see what they’ll come up with for the next round.”

 That was the moment Phil decided to make his appearance, ripping him out of his thoughts almost violently. “Morning!” he said, cheerfully, two cups of steaming coffee in his hands. He pushed one of them over to Dan after he had taken a seat.

 A look of confusion, even concern appeared on his face when Dan didn’t react, just continued staring at his laptop screen with his eyes wide open. “Dan? Are you okay? Have you seen a ghost?”

 The chatter behind him ended immediately. When he slowly turned around a group of seven people was staring at him, wide eyed. All of them scrambled to their feets as fast as they could. “You’re a cute couple!” one of the girls squeaked out, then they were gone, leaving Dan to explain the situation to Phil.

 Needless to say Phil wasn’t fazed at all, instead he used the story to make more flirty remarks, making Dan blush yet again.

 Damn, I’m fucked.

 ~~~~

Almost three months passed by in a rush and by december Dan couldn’t even recognize his life anymore. All the time he had previously spent alone in front of his laptop, browsing tumblr or watching Netflix, converted into Phil-time, slowly but surely. They played games or watched TV-Shows nearly every day after practice. Dan’s roommate had even asked him if he was moving out with all the time he spent away, but Dan couldn’t help himself. Phil lived in a flat near campus all alone. A tiny flat, sure, but it made for the best meetup place, especially for gaming or movie nights or for research about their next song - and it gave them some privacy. Not that much had happened yet aside from the increasingly flirty comments and occasional cuddle sessions, but it still made their friendship easier.

 Especially because they were now something like campus-famous and got recognized wherever they went.

 So far, they had aced most performances and were through to the last show before christmas break. After New Year’s there was only one show left before the big finale. They were pretty sure they had a good grade secured, but they still gave it their all - they had come so far, there was no way they were giving up now.

 In the upcoming show only seven groups were left and it was the first one with two mandatory songs, one optional and one christmas themed, dropping the rock theme just for this once. Since the last week was cut short - Christmas break started on thursday - they had an additional half week to prepare. Dan and Phil had decided on Panic! ’s High Hopes for the first song and Last Christmas for the second and as always, they had been quite fast with their work. They were practiced and basically done on Monday, so they allowed themselves the night off. Phil’s brother was in town and Dan had heartlessly neglected Tyler since the assignment started (his words), basically forcing Dan to spent the night with him.

 Fortunately Tyler had a lecture early the next morning, so he wasn’t trying to get himself or Dan trashed. He did, however, made use of the time by grilling Dan about his relationship to Phil.

 Dan was a bit annoyed, but at the end of the day he was glad to be able to talk about it, even if he would never admit to that. Louise and her group were still in the run for the finals too, which made her so busy they barely were able to talk for longer than a few minutes at a time - and he desperately needed an outsider’s opinion.

 It took him almost an hour to get Tyler up to date on what had happened, all the while getting interrupted by texts from Phil. Right when he was done explaining his phone dinged again, indicating another text.

 ‘the girl two tables over has a cute lil pup on her lap i keep staring she probs thinks i'm a perv help’ it read and he couldn’t help but chuckle. Tyler inspected him warily from across the table, absently playing with the straw in his half-empty cocktail. “Okay, who are you texting?” he asked then, fixing Dan with a steely gaze.

 “Oh, it’s just Phil,” he answered distractedly, typing a quick response before turning his attention back to Tyler. “Why?”

 “Are you shitting me?” he asked back, a fitting expression on his face like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Dan just answered with a surprised “huh?”, shooting him a confused look.

 “Mate, how dense can you be? You are basically dating the guy, only without the good parts!”

 Dan blinked, completely lost now, unable to follow Tyler’s train of thought. “What?”

 “You and Phil are dating, Dan, wake up! The only thing missing is the sex!”  Dan was stunned into silence, staring at Tyler like he had grown a second head. It took the thought a while to register in his brain, but then he blushed, taking a huge gulp of his drink before calling the waiter over to order another one.

 He needed more alcohol for this.

 ~~~~

 The show on wednesday evening went exceptionally well. They had the most fun rocking to High Hopes and got really festive during Last Christmas , with Dan at the Piano and Phil sat on top of it. Their professors called them over and into the next show immediately, making them giddy and high on adrenaline in the process.

 The christmas party thrown by the rock music department started directly afterwards and PJ and Louise, immensely proud of their best friends even though their own group had been voted out, insisted on going. Still in an after show rush they agreed, but soon realized why they normally didn’t like parties. It was loud, the room stuffed with people and the food was average at best, and it took them around twenty minutes to revert back to the snacks table, where they hid from the actual party.

 When Louise, PJ and Tyler of all people found them, sporting a cheeky expression, Dan knew they were fucked. They were leaning against a wall, talking and laughing with each other as much as the music allowed them to, and only a few people were inspecting them from afar.

 “Do you know where you’re standing?” PJ asked when the group was within earshot and Dan raised an eyebrow. “Next to the snacks table where we always are?” he remarked drily, making Phil chuckle next to him.

 “Look up!” Tyler singsonged with a high pitched voice and flattered his eyelashes with faked innocence.

 Dan perked up immediately. He knew that voice.

 He didn’t even need to look up to know what was fixated on the wall over their heads.

 “A Mistletoe!” Louise grinned so widely Dan was sure it had to hurt. He turned his attention to Phil, his heart throbbing in his chest on full speed.

 There was a cheeky smile on the guitarist’s face as he took a step closer, taking a hold of Dan’s head with both hands. “They want a kiss,” he murmured, lowly, “let’s give them a kiss.”

 The second his lips met Phil’s was like a firework going off everywhere inside of his body. For a moment he forgot where he was, hell, even who he was, just continued kissing Phil with passion and lust and love. He didn’t even hesitate opening up his mouth at Phil’s silent request to let him in, too far gone to care - hell, to even realize they had an audience.

 The kiss lasted for minutes and it probably could have gone on much longer if there wouldn’t have been a sudden outburst of applause. The blood took a second to reach Dan’s brain after having rushed somewhere south only seconds ago, but when it did, it immediately spread into his cheeks. They broke apart, Dan’s face still in Phil’s hands, silently contemplating the recent event.

 He had just kissed Phil Lester. In front of basically the whole rock music department.

 Great. Just great.

 The applause and whooping didn’t stop soon and he couldn’t do much more then to exchange a long look with Phil. They had a silent discussion Dan himself didn’t know the content of, until suddenly and with no indication there was panic on Phil’s face as he hastily let go of Dan and scrambled to get his phone out of his pocket. It was vibrating violently in his hands and Dan couldn’t even blink by the time Phil rasped out a “Shit! My brother is waiting for me!” and left in a rush.

 Dan stood there, staring after Phil until most of the students had averted their gazes from him and went back to whatever they had been doing before. When the ice in his veins freezing him into place finally dissipated, he groaned. He knew Phil’s brother Martyn was picking him up for Christmas with their family, and he wouldn’t be back until january.

 Of course. That’s just my fucking luck.

 ~~~

 He spent christmas break in some sort of limbo, like his relationship to Phil was Schrödinger’s cat, platonic and romantic at the same time. He knew the kiss had meant something not only to him but also to Phil, that much had been obvious with the way he had taken the offensive in deepening the kiss and how he had held him afterwards. But that was about the amount of information Dan had, and neither of them mentioned the kiss on any level, so he decided to just ignore the issue for now.

 It did made him jumpy and fidgety and mostly unable to focus, though, and only his frequent skype calls with Phil got him focused and concentrated enough to get some much needed work done.

 There were only two shows left, but they were only one week apart and both required three songs, so they decided to learn all songs over the break. They spent hours on skype, deciding on the songs and how to play and sing them, so they would be done learning their personal parts until they could meet back up in person.

 For a short moment, their reunion was like the sun had risen again. They hugged, soft words of attachment and longing on their lips, but then it was like someone had flipped a switch and they were back in working mode. Phil didn’t mention the kiss and Dan didn’t dare to, so they went back to Status Quo, just like that.

 The first show in the new year went okay-ish. Neither of them poured everything into it, already looking forward to the songs they had chosen for the finale, but they still managed to pull through. Their only truly memorable performance was The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance , which they definitely aced, but the other ones admittedly fell a bit flat. Both their professors urged them to not take it too lightly just because they had done so amazingly until now, so they swore to give everything they had in their last performances together.

 They were the first group performing in the finale. It wasn’t hard for Dan to get in the mood of their songs, considering they were all pining lovesongs and he would have the one he was pining after up on stage with him, so he was glad they got to go first. It made the waiting and anticipation in between easier, and waiting for the results when they were done didn’t mean much to him anyway - he didn’t care too much about winning.

 He just wanted to give his best, pour all his feelings into the songs when he was up there with Phil. He wanted to make it obvious that he meant every word he was singing.

 He wanted to get Phil to understand…

 In short, he just wanted Phil.

 Their first song was a soft piano interpretation of It’s not living (If it’s not with you) by The 1975 , and Dan was so entranced by Phil he forgot to look at his hands while playing. He didn’t make a single mistake, thankfully,  but if he would have made one he probably wouldn’t even have noticed. He benefited from the fact that he had practiced the piano part so often on the tiny piano in his childhood bedroom that his parents had asked him to please, please stop.

 They spent their break with a bottle of coke huddled together on a tiny sofa backstage, making loose conversation and trying to get their mind off of things. Dan basked in the close physical proximity and simply smiled when Phil just casually took his hand while he talked, playing with his fingers. He had a feeling that things would be going well.

 Dan had particularly fun during their next song. The Last Of The Real Ones by Fallout Boy was one of his favorite songs and he connected a lot of the lyrics to Phil. The piano playing was not an issue this time since they had both laid down their playing previously and conjoined it in a track, so he had all the time in the world to focus on Phil, which he took full advantage of. They riled up the crowd so much that Tyler, who had agreed to be the presenter of the night, had trouble getting them back in check for the next group.

 During christmas break, far away from Phil and his feelings, their next song had seemed like a good idea. It was romantic, emotional and full of love and Dan couldn’t think of any other song that would make his feelings for Phil more clear than this.

 Now, though, it seemed entirely too personal to perform in front of what felt like the whole Uni. During practice he had refrained from building too much of a connection, afraid of taking it too far, but now he didn’t have much of a choice and it made him more nervous than any other performance before. His hands were sweaty, his stomach was rumbling and he was ready to cancel the whole thing when Phil noticed the state he was in.

 “Dan,” he whispered, pointedly ignoring the other people lounging around backstage, completely focusing on Dan, “It’ll be okay. You will be okay. And I will be with you, right there by your side the whole time, okay?”

 It was in this moment that something settled in Dan’s chest. He returned Phil’s fond look with courage and determination, grasping his hand in his and squeezing it tightly. “Me too. We’re on the same page.”

 He was sure Phil caught the double meaning when his look got soft. “I think I always knew,” he answered quietly, almost inaudible. “Let’s do this.”

 ~~~

 Their last performance of this assignment was a complete success. They performed The Only Exception by Paramore sitting huddled together on the little Piano stool in front of the huge piano and didn’t take their eyes off of each other the entire time. It was so emotional Tyler had tears in his eyes when he came on stage, hugging first Phil, then Dan tightly, muttering a soft “go get ‘em, tiger” into Dan’s ear and Dan could feel his heart swelling.

 This was it.

 Backstage, thankfully, they were alone. Both of the other groups were nowhere to be seen, and Phil obviously noticed faster than him.

 Before he even had the chance to turn around from closing the door he was already spun around and pressed against the next hard surface, Phil’s lips attacking his own.

 For what felt like ages they were kissing furiously, like they had deprived themselves of this for far too long and now a dam had been broken down, nothing holding them back anymore.

 Once they were out of breath Phil separated their lips, lovingly gazing into his eyes instead. “I have waited for this for far too long,” he whispered quietly, softly, his hands on the sides of Dan’s head, his thumbs gently caressing his cheeks.

 “Me too,” he mumbled back, drowning in Phil’s eyes and feeling himself falling, falling; falling even deeper in love with him. “I meant every word I sang.”

 There was a beat of quiet, then:

 “I love you.”

 The words were muttered completely simultaneously, and for the single bat of an eye both stared at the other, stunned into silence.

 Then they were both dissolving into giggles, holding onto the other to keep from toppling over.

 “That,” Phil gasped out, “was so us.”

 Dan couldn’t help but agree.

 ~~~

 “Do you really think so, Badiha?”

 “I don’t know, Henry, but they did seem smitten during that song, don’t you think?”

 “True!”

 There was a group of at least five people seated in the booth directly behind Dan’s and even though he wasn’t that much of a gossip he couldn’t help but eavesdrop. He was busily procrastinating the work he needed to do until the next day, refreshing tumblr around ten times a minute, so it wasn’t too surprising the conversation distracted him as soon as it got loud enough for him to hear.

 “But they haven’t been seen in public with each other in ages aside from their performances. I just really want them to be happy with each other, is that too much to ask?”

 That was the first voice again. Dan allowed himself a short look at the group out of the corner of his eyes and recognized all faces he was able to pick up on. They had all been to the performance Phil and him did twice a week in a near bar ever since their joint assignment last year, he was sure of it. He mostly recognized them because of the person that had spoken first, a girl with the pride flag drawn on her eyelids. He remembered how she had attracted his attention during their first show because of her truly iconic makeup.

 “I know, right?!” a male voice joined in and this time Dan didn’t need the information practically jumping into his face to realize they were talking about him and Phil.

 After their win in the finale they had decided to keep their relationship at a down low, trying to make themselves comfortable with being boyfriends before they truly made it public. They were still pretty famous throughout the students and the center of the rumor mill, but they had been in a relationship for almost a year now and had only recently realized there was nothing to be afraid of if everybody knew. Most of them would be happy for them, and the rest of them, well -

 They’d just have to suck it up.

 That was the moment his boyfriend decided to show up. He slid into the booth, taking a seat directly next to Dan, pressing their thighs together. “Morning, love,” he greeted Dan gently, planting a kiss on his cheek before grinning happily. “Busy procrastinating?”

 “Yeah,” Dan replied extra loud, grinning right back, “but I’d rather kiss my boyfriend.”

 So they shared a short, cute kiss, making the group behind them gasp loudly. “It’s them,” the girl with the pride flag on her eyelids whispered into the silence stretching between them. Dan grinned.

 “It is,” he confirmed cheekily, turning around to look at her. “Very iconic Make-up by the way, I like it.”

 “Oh my god, thank you,” she answered, a blush becoming apparent on her cheeks and Dan’s grin only got wider before he turned his attention back around to Phil.

 “What was that about?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and his head cutely tilted to the side.

 Dan pecked him on the lips. “Had to make a point.”

 Phil looked back cheekily, a grin on his face so wide Dan was able to see his tongue poking out between his teeth. “A point about what?”

 Dan puffed out his cheeks, feigning huffiness. Phil knew exactly what this was about, and they were both aware of that. “You’re an idiot,” he said, pouting.

 “Yeah, but I’m your idiot.”

 Dan looked at him, eyes full of fondness and adoration and love. “Exactly.”

#phan #phanfiction #phan fluff #phanfic au #my writing

[lawgrain]

Copycat

Fandom: Phandom (Dan and Phil)

Pairings: ... Take a guess

Summary: Dan and Phil have never been Dan and Phil and if it were up to Phil, things would stay that way. Things might of even stayed that way if Phil hadn’t trashed Dan in a livestream.

Author’s note: This has been in my docs forever as well. I don’t in any way see this as a reflection of reality and is super ooc at first, Let me know how it’s liked. Also if this seems like odd timing or anything, I posted this a bit ago, and privated it along with deleting quite a few other posts of mine, and now I’m just unpivating the post again. It was quite the journey

Chapter 1

Phil's POV

“Karen521 asked what socks am I wearing. I won't actually show you because it'd be too hard to show you but one has some colorful geometric shape things on it and the other has polar bears so they’re pretty fun.” Phil kept reading questions in the blur of people chatting in the livestream.

He never really preferred live streams but knew his viewers loved it. Phil didn't enjoy the spontaneity and the lack of preparation involved with livestreams. Scripts and actions were not an option in real time and it was hard trying to keep people entertained for that long. It was almost impossible to think that anyone's everyday life could be that fascinating. But the people liked interacting with Phil and he was nothing if not a people-pleaser.

“LesterLover48 asks if I plan to make a Phil vs. Friends Games video soon. Not currently. I'd have to ask someone to come on my channel for that and I don't know if anyone's available. I usually just do those randomly. That’s probably why I don't have that many,” Phil said with a small chuckle at the end, still mindlessly reading aloud comments.

“Someone says ‘I can't wait till you make another video’. AmazingAmandy says ‘go outside and make some more friends Phil’. Ha! Thanks, I could use some more sun. ShipperQueen29 says to ask danisnotonfire.” Phil froze after the last comment.

Crap this is going to open up the floodgates, isn't it?

Yep. Now everyone was focused on danisnotonfire. Phil hates danisnotonfire.

Phil wasn't quick to hatred but the younger man had become a nuisance ever since he started YouTube. At first, when Phil took notice of the kid it had been flattering if not cute. Dan was obviously new to making videos and it looked like he was trying to imitate Phil like a little kid would with their older sibling. Now it wasn't so cute.

Phil couldn't exactly say Dan was imitating him completely. No, over time the teen had found his identity and took a much more of a pessimist and crude tone than anything Phil would do. That seemed to be where their differences ended. They both did story videos, both had the same haircuts, and both had the same bedspread even if the colors were different. Wheat the younger youtuber had done infuriated Phil. It felt like someone had taken every aspect of his life just to morph it and call it their own.

It bugged Phil a lot. He had to put up with similar crap from other YouTubers whenever he made a tag but somehow what danisnotonfire went farther. It wasn't just one idea or a couple of videos. It was a perversion of everything Phil ever did.

The other problem came with their fandoms. While Phil and Dan had never met, their similarities led their fans to believe that they were meant for each other. With the slightest mention of Dan, they became sharks attacking any sign of a ship. Progressively this ended up fueling Phil's resentment towards the other. It got to the point where the very mention of the other annoyed Phil.

And now the comment section was full of ship comments.

Great.

Phil seeing the comments tried to change the topic. He began rambling off about different things going on his life but no one seemed to get sidetracked from the danisnotonfire topic.

“So what else has been going on lately? I'm thinking about visiting my mum soon.” Phil finally takes a glance down at the comments.

“You should visit Dan ;)”

I am so done.

“Look, not to be rude, but honestly can we get off the Dan topic? I've never even met him and don't watch his channel.” Phil felt defeated.

“Why don't you watch your bf?” Phil read aloud. And then he snapped.

“Oh my god, because I don't like Dan! His content isn't that original and he basically has the same branding as me but more gloomy and depressing. I don't see the charm in it and I'm tired of everyone asking about a guy I don't even know.” Phil was a bit stunned that he responded like that. He hoped that he didn't say anything too offensive, especially considering that he meant everything he said.

He noticed some had dropped out of the stream but there were no comments about Dan as the stream continued on.

Phil would count that as a win.

Dan's POV

From Tyler:

“Did you see the video?”

To Tyler:

“Um… what video?”

From Tyler:

“Omg ok there's a Phil video right now about you”

“Give me the word and I'll come down and cut a bitch”

To Tyler:

“lol I don't think that'll be necessary. I'll watch the video weirdo”

From Tyler:

“I mean it! I'll cut a bitch!”

Dan chuckled to himself. He loved Tyler. Platonically, of course, but he was definitely one of Dan's best friends. Having that been said he was a bit dramatic and Dan was sure there was nothing to be worried about as he searched for a video involving AmazingPhil and himself.

“PHIL HATES DAN?!?!?”

It’s a good guess that's the video he's meant to be watching. Dan thought nothing of the title, assuming it was clickbait by overzealous fans.

And then he watched it. He physically flinched watching as Phil threw his insecurities out for the world.

To Tyler:

“Hey. I watched it...”

From Tyler:

“Who am I cutting? I'll cut them all”

To Tyler:

“No, no need for that”

From Tyler:

“Srsly say the word and I'll do it”

To Tyler:

“Down boy. It’s just you don't think he’s right do you?”

“That I'm just depressing and unoriginal?”

Please say no...

From Tyler:

“The only true words in that video are that he doesn't know you. You are wonderful!”

To Tyler:

“If you say so. Thanks for letting me know but please don't do or say anything. I know you live in America but I expect no cutting people with knives or anything else”

From Tyler:

“Fine but if you need anything I'm here ok?”

To Tyler:

“I know. Thanks Tyler”

From Tyler:

“Sure thing

Yeah Dan loved Tyler. Too bad he lived in America. So Dan was alone.

I'm pathetic. Why should I even care about this? And– shit!

Dan looked at the comments on the video and it was mayhem. It was like someone put two fandoms at war and the neutral side was scrambling. He saw his own fans start to slash into Phil's character and Phil's fans not only defend Phil but also start to point out more flaws of Dan's.

It didn't help that as he continued reading the comment section, Dan only felt worse about himself. He watched as more and more people spoke about how they thought of Dan and he simply couldn't find enough good comments to outweigh how the bad ones felt.

It was ugly and it was hurtful.

And it felt true.

That was something Dan hated about himself, but the more he read the comments, the more he felt like they were true. He knew that deep down what they said shouldn’t matter, that they were wrong but even things said in anger had some ring of truth to it. Whatever that truth was, Dan just wanted it all to stop.

Endnote: I hope that was enjoyable. Also I realize that things might seem a bit ooc. It just because it’s a story and eventual character development.

#fanfiction #phanfiction

[auroraphilealis]

just a small list of fic recs

Earlier this morning my friends asked for some fake dating phan AU fics and I realized that making a fic rec list might be a good way to show some appreciation for fanfic author appreciation day!

I don’t have all day free like I wish, so I asked my friends for a few smaller catagories that I could shift through and find a few fics to rec from, that way I can get a good mix of fics for people to enjoy, and find as many authors as possible to thank! 

Of course, I can’t possibly have read every fic out there ever, so if you aren’t on here that’s no like, disrespect to you or anything. Every single person whose ever written and posted a fanfic deserves to be recognized and loved for what they’ve produce for us, so just know that I appreciate every single one of you, on or off this list!

To add to this, I tired to pick some older, or smaller works that people may have not seen before to give the authors a little lift if possible :)

Without further ado, below you’ll find some fic recs and author appreciation below !

Fake Relationship:

Our Threadbare Lies - @ramonaspeaks -  Dan is eighteen years old and newly single. He's ready to come out to his family but he thinks it would be a hell of a lot easier if he had a boyfriend to help him through it.

This is like one of my all time favorite fake relationship fics of all time. Honestly it was so well done and really realistic and the writing is just superb. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve re-read this fic, (as well as most of the authors other works) because it was just so well done, so thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to the author for all the hard work they put into it! On top of that, it holds really, really close to 2009 timeline (as we know it) and manages to make things work that might not have worked in their AU if they weren’t so smart about it

Maybe, Possibly - @cafephan -  Phil’s mother is adamant that he should be settling down, so invites one of his turbulent exes to an annual family get-together the following day. In a moment of panic, he tells her he’s already dating someone. With no other options, he turns to Dan.

aldjflkas I fucking love this fic so freaking much. I’ve read it like ten million times. Everytime it shows up on my dash I open it to read it again. It’s just really funny and sweet in a strange way, and captures an essence of dnp that I really enjoy. I like how easy it is for dnp to pretend to be together in this fic, and how easy it is for them to then transition to ACTUALLY being together. It’s the perfect kind of non-dramatic get together fake relationship AU ever and I really, really do love it. Again, massive thank you to the author!

friends dont treat me like you do - @internetakeover (i think i got your @ right) -  Why had Dan agreed to this? Pretending to be Phil’s boyfriend at his ex’s wedding had seemed like a nice idea at first, a way to meet some of Phil’s old university friends while helping him avoid humiliation, but already Dan’s on edge. If Dan allows himself to relax for a day, lets himself watch Phil as much as he wants, touch Phil as much as he wants, carry on their flirtatious banter when normally he’d laugh it off... he’s worried about what Phil might see.

I ended up re-reading this after I stumbled across it again just now hahaha I really love this fic. It’s super cute and a little sappy cause WEDDING FIC but that’s what makes it so worth the read. I love that both Dan and Phil realize how easy their relationship is, and the fact that they’ve technically been dating for a long time and that they love each other. I love that they realize this the way that they do, and it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so thank you so much to the author <3

Asexuality

Between Us - @winteredspark who doesnt appear to have a tumblr :( - "I think I'm asexual," Dan breathes against the crook of Phil's neck, blinking back tears.There's a pause, then -"Nice to meet you, asexual. I'm Phil," says Phil.

This is the asexual fic that helped me to realize that I’m asexual and that asexuality is a spectrum that isn’t limited to one version or another. I remember leaving a really long thoughtout comment to the author but I can’t not rec it here as well. It’s just such an amazing asexuality fic and it’s a little bit of a different take not it considering the character exists on a different part of the spectrum than most ace fics portray. I will always be grateful to this author for this fic!

let’s save up for something new - @deletablebird -  Phil wakes up shivering the morning of October 19th, 2009. Today is the day he meets Dan. Fluff, 3.5k

I love this author with my whole heart and I’ve read everything they’ve written lol. This is just a really, really cute and lovely take on 2009 with the asexual aspect included and it really made my heart happy, so thank you so so much for this fic!

Theater

Disguises - @ramonaspeaks -  Phil auditions for a play at a local theater and meets Dan, who spends most of his time acting whether he’s on stage or off.

Again, another fic from one of my favorite authors of all time. This is like my actual favorite theater au of all time. I am completely in love with the whole thing. It feels so real, and their characters are so well fleshed out, and each scene is just actually fantastic. I solidly recommend this one and I am soooo thankful to the author for bringing it into existence!

just touched down in london town - @phanetixs - "Hamilton is actually really nice and the plot is very interesting and okay, well, there’s this guy."In which, London is not as bad in the summer, a cute guy dies considerably in Act III and Phil has actually lucked out for once.

Look not only do I stalk all of this authors fics, but this is one of my all time favorites of theirs. They managed to take an idea that almost seems ludicrous and make it into something not only super hot, but super realistic and really, really, really fun. I absolutely adore this fic and I give you all the kudos my wonderful author. Thank you for writing such a wonderful au!

Which as they kiss, consume - @irrevocablys which for some reason it wont tag you :( -  Dan’s an aspiring actor, and Phil’s so over studying Romeo and Juliet.

This was one of my first theater au’s and I truly adore it. its just like got this super cute undertone to it thats incredibly wonderful? I just love the way the characters interact and the ease and flow of the writing <3 thank you for giving us something so beautful

Supernatural Elements

Ride with the moon in the dead of night - @mooksie01 -Phil seriously needs to buy some allergy medicine or something. Or at least open a window next time he performs a demonic ritual. He wouldn't have thought that one little sneeze could've messed up a spell so bad, but now he has a demon on his hands and only six days to get rid of it before he's stuck with it forever....And maybe the demon is acting like a total cinnamon roll, but Phil is positive that it's all just an elaborate ruse.

ajdlsfkjasdlkjfls omfg I love this fic so much. I actually adore fics with supernatural elements in them and this is one of those fics that always stands out to me. It’s just really hilarious and well written and is just overall a fun take on witch phil. I just, i really love it, and I’m so grateful it exists. Thank you wonderful author <3

Reflections of the Heart - @butterflyphil - “Being told to dress up in a dinosaur onesie and have cereal catapulted at your face is a little odd. Waking up to find that you and your best friend have switched bodies? That’s fucking bizarre.”(Or, the multi-chaptered, slightly smutty bodyswap fic that no one asked for. Featuring whiny/annoying!Dan, sassy/beguiling!Phil, unintentional innuendos, intentional innuendos, unnecessary kitchen supplies, and just a pinch of magic).

UHM, THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVE FICS? Lol. I just really freaking love body swap fic and you did such a good job with this fic. it’s honestly just super fun and a little hot and really cute and beautiful overall. I really just, really cant thank you enough for this fic and rec it really really highly!

Vampires & Werewolfs

High - @icandigelvis -  Just the ordinary story of Dan and Phil, except one little detail. Phil isn't human in this one. Expect biting, bickering, playlist live, blood, bad jokes and sex.

ajdslfkjasl listen I love vampire fic and this one is just so good. it’s so true to dnp’s personalities and just like, accurate to who they’d be tbh. And like, the fact that it sticks so close to reality aside from the vampire difference is what makes it even better so thank you so much to the lovely author for writing it. It’s everything I ever needed and more from a vampire fic

Taking Every Chance I’ve Got All - @nagirci - Dan wanted was to get drunk, really. Have a good time, meet a few new people. He didn’t really think about getting involved with someone as dangerous as Phil Lester (someone as cold, as pale and, well, as not alive), and he definitely didn’t think that one trip out to a bar would change his life forever.

This is like a really older fic that’s from one of the first phandom big bangs but it’s one of my first favorite vampire fics of all time as well and it’s just. really good and really well thought and the collaboration work on it is incredibly flawless. I honeslty would tell anyone to read it at any time because it comes together so well

Sharp Teeth - @theshyauthor -  AmazingPhil is a Youtuber and a vampire and according to Dan Howell, he is the nicest person to exist. From their first meeting in 2009 all the way to that one incident in the elevator at the BBC, this is their story.

Again this is just such a good take on 2009 and the reality of dnp with added vampirism tossed in. Plus the author is a beautiful wonderful person and I really enjoy their writing so its a total please go read this kind of fic x3 Thank you darling for writing something so wonderful <3

be sure to ring the doorbell - @frostbittencheeks -  Dan’s a tired sports reporter, Phil’s a friendly vampire with no real sense of boundaries and a propensity for bad Dracula jokes as well as leaving his unconscious victims in Dan’s kitchen. This isn’t how Dan thought courtship goes, but he’ll take it.

Can you tell I love vampire fics? This one is so well done, I literally re-read it constantly. I love the whole idea behind it, specifically the fact that Phil’s version of courtship is literally ridiculous and he doesn’t even think that they need to talk about it hahahaha I just love how funny and adorable it is and it’s just totally worth a few minutes of your time

a puppy sort of love - @symmetricdnp -  Dan's supposedly a werewolf. Phil has doubts.

I honestly want to beg this person to write me more of this fic cause the permise is just that good. There are so few werewolf fics in the phandom, and especially ones that are this cute, thoughout , and well written. I absolutely adore this fic and I totally rec it to all of you. The author is wonderful, thank you so much for writing this fic <3

Blind

It’s the blue of your eyes, and the way you’re scared, love - @glitteraccent Soulmate (Color)! & Blind!Phil  au 

Okay but like this story always sticks out in my memory and I think on it often. It’s one of my all time favorite soulmate au’s and blind au’s, because it was just structured so well and the characters make your heart fall for them really, really fast. I love this author and tumblr wont tag them, but reblog their fic and give them all the love in the world!

#fic recs #fanfic author appreciation day

[adorkablephil]

Fic: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Title: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Summary: Dan knows he’s a freak of nature Rating: Teen (for a tiny bit of language) Word Count: 2.5k Author’s Note: This is actually only the first of two related stories I plan to write about an asexual Dan, but I just spontaneously decided to try to quickly finish this one in time for @optimistphan’s Phandom Pride Month Meetup, which starts in a few hours. The second story will be these same characters, but later in their lives, set in the modern day, and I’ll write it when I get a chance. Mostly, I just wanted to put this out there to represent us ace folks at the meetup.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Dan wasn’t a virgin.

I mean … duh. He had a girlfriend for three years, and everyone knows that teenage boys just want to have sex all the time. It’s all they think about. So, yeah, he had sex with Erin. Plenty of times.

Except that he hadn’t particularly wanted to. All that stuff about raging hormones? Well, that wasn’t Dan’s experience. He liked flirting … but he wasn’t actually interested in following through with anything more substantial.

He sometimes tortured himself by calling himself a “tease,” because really all he wanted was the attention, the heated glances, the knowledge that people thought he was “hot” … but he didn’t want to actually have sex.

And so, to avoid being a tease, he had sex. First with Erin, and then with some random guy at a party, somebody he didn’t even really know, just to try it out and see if his problem was something about girls, if maybe he was just into guys instead.

But it turned out he just wasn’t really into anybody.

And it made him feel like shit. What kind of crappy person actually enjoys getting people riled up, turning people on, without any interest in the rest of it? What kind of asshole posted nearly naked photos of himself on DailyBooth, and liked the idea that some people probably wanked while looking at him, when he actually had no interest in sex whatsoever? What kind of jerk flirted outrageously and very publicly online, where it was safe, where he never had to follow through on any of the implied promises?

When Phil asked him to come to Manchester, asked him to come stay for the weekend, Dan’s heart sank in his chest. They’d been flirting like mad for months, and it had always felt safe and fun, because Dan didn’t actually have to follow through. But now, if Phil wanted to meet, Dan knew he would have to put on the same act he’d used with Erin: pretending to be excited, pretending to be eager, pretending to … well … pretending to want to have sex.

He could get an erection—he even very occasionally masturbated—but he just didn’t feel that heated rush that everyone else seemed to feel, the way it was in movies, the way it was in books. He didn’t feel that need, that … lust. In his psychology class, they’d studied something called “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,” and the teacher had explained that a human’s most basic needs were food, sleep, shelter, and sex. Dan had been fascinated by the concept of “self-actualization” that was at the top of the hierarchy … but he’d been very aware that apparently he did not feel one of the basic human needs that should be much more important to him.

Sex was a basic human need.

And that was when Dan had known that something was seriously wrong with him.

But he didn’t want Phil to know. So he would … he’d play the role. He’d try to be that naked boy covered in stuffed animals, the one with the eyes at half-mast while he bit his lip. He’d try to be what Phil wanted him to be … what he’d made Phil want him to be.

He was a nervous wreck at the train station, so Phil probably thought he was weird as hell. But Phil just giggled and nearly ran into a lamp post and seemed kind of nervous, so maybe he didn’t mind so much. Things wouldn’t get really bad until they got back to Phil’s house. He’d told Dan his parents would be away, and Dan knew what that meant.

Phil showed him around Manchester, and in most ways it felt really great to be with Phil. Like … someone finally really understood him. But he knew that Phil wouldn’t understand everything. So even while they were riding the Manchester Eye and sipping drinks at Starbucks, Dan was bracing himself for when they got to Phil’s house.

And eventually they did. They rode the bus from Manchester to Rawtenstall, then walked from the station to Phil’s house. They were talking and joking while they walked, sort of laughing and purposely bumping shoulders now and then, and it felt perfect. Flirty and comfortable and fun and exactly what Dan wanted. If the world were perfect, they’d go inside Phil’s house and curl up together on the sofa and just be close, cuddling. Maybe Phil would stroke his hair, or he’d run a hand down Phil’s back. But there wouldn’t be any of the pressure for more, for it to get … well … sexy.

But he knew the world wasn’t perfect.

So when they got inside the house, after Phil had showed him around, Dan nodded that sure, yes, of course he wanted to share Phil’s bed that night. He smiled, and Phil leaned down in the bedroom doorway and kissed him, very softly, and that was nice, actually. Dan liked it. He liked the warmth and closeness, the gentleness and caring.

When the kiss grew more passionate, Dan did his best to play his assigned role in the proceedings, but Phil pulled away almost immediately. “What’s wrong?” he asked, looking into Dan’s eyes with obvious concern.

Dan smiled and laughed, waving a hand dismissively. “It’s probably just nerves. Let’s just … it’s okay. Let’s keep going.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to Phil’s again, running a hand along Phil’s chest. Maybe if he trailed his hand lower, he could get things moving along, and it would be over soon.

But Phil pulled away again, catching Dan’s hand with his own. “Dan, what’s going on? I can tell something’s off.”

Why did Phil have to be so much more perceptive than Erin? Dan cursed silently to himself. He looked down, not meeting Phil’s eyes anymore, and let his hand fall limply from Phil’s grasp. He shrugged uncomfortably. “I guess I’m just not much good at this sort of stuff,” he mumbled, wishing he could just disappear or cease to exist or something.

But Phil gently took Dan’s hand in his and wove their fingers loosely together. “Everything seemed okay before,” Phil prodded. “It seemed like you liked it when I kissed you. I thought … I thought you wanted that.” He sounded hurt now, hurt and confused, and Dan felt guilty as hell.

He pulled his hand out of Phil’s and crossed his arms across his chest. This wasn’t going as planned at all. He wondered if he was going to have to walk back to the train station on his own. He didn’t even know the schedule for trains back to London, and his return ticket…

Phil interrupted his panicky thoughts. “Dan? Please, talk to me. We’re friends, right? Even if there’s nothing else … even if you don’t want anything else … we’re friends. Right?”

Still staring fixedly at the ground with his arms wrapped tight and defensive around his body like a shield, Dan nodded. He felt like a recalcitrant toddler, but he didn’t want to tell Phil the truth, because he’d never told anybody the truth, because he knew then somebody would know he was a freak. And he didn’t want Phil to think he was a freak. He liked Phil. He maybe more than liked Phil. Just … not like that.

“So,” Phil ventured, keeping his distance now, since Dan figured his body language wasn’t particularly inviting at the moment, “we’re friends. Nothing’s going to change that. So … all the flirting and stuff … on Twitter and Skype and stuff … that was just joking around? You just want to be friends?”

Dan sighed heavily, then muttered, “Not exactly.” He looked aside, staring at the base of the doorframe, just for something to look at.

“Dan, please tell me what’s going on. Whatever it is, it’s okay. I promise. I just want to understand.” Phil sounded like the nicest guy on the planet. Dan was a prick to have ever gotten involved in this, in leading him on and making him think Dan was a normal guy…

Gentle fingers brushed Dan’s fringe away from his forehead and Dan startled. Phil had moved closer and was looking down into Dan’s face again. “Could we go sit in the lounge, maybe?” Phil suggested, pulling his hand away again, not pushing. Dan nodded nervously. Could he actually tell Phil? He didn’t think Phil was the sort of person to actually make fun of him … or post about it online. Maybe it would be safe to tell Phil?

The thought of someone else knowing was somehow equally comforting and terrifying.

When they got into the lounge, Dan asked quietly, “Is it okay if we sit together on the sofa, nothing more than that, just … sit together?” and Phil nodded as if it was the most normal request in the world. They sat side by side, and then Dan let his hand slide back into Phil’s, which felt warm and soft and gentle. “I’m probably giving you the wrong impression by doing this,” Dan said miserably, lifting their hands up to show what he meant.

Phil smiled, though, and asked, “Do you like holding my hand?” Dan rolled his eyes and nodded. He’d been the one to initiate it this time, after all. “Well, I like holding your hand, too, so I vote we keep doing it.”

Dan sighed. “Yeah, but … I don’t really want … I mean…”

Phil gave Dan’s hand just the slightest squeeze. “You don’t feel ‘that way’ about me?” He sounded rueful, disappointed but unsurprised.

Dan felt like he owed Phil more than just half-truths. He met those pale eyes directly and explained hesitantly, “I don’t feel that way about … anybody.”

Phil looked confused. “But you had a girlfriend…”

Dan nodded, humiliated. “I … I played along, you know. I mean, guys are supposed to want to have sex, you know, so I … I did. I had sex. I acted like I wanted to … but really … that wasn’t the part I liked.”

Phil’s expression lifted, as if he suddenly saw something beautiful, but that couldn’t be right, because all that was here was Dan, and Dan was saying he didn’t want to have sex, and nobody would think that was beautiful. According to Maslow, he was a fucking freak of nature.

“What do you like?” Phil asked, sounding curious but not demanding. “What would you like?” When Dan began to pull away, Phil rushed to add, “I honestly want to know, Dan. Seriously.”

So Dan sat and thought about it in a way he never really had before, because he’d never really let himself think about it that much, because he’d always been so focused on what he should want instead. “I like … flirting. Feeling like people think I’m attractive, even like I’m sexy…” but he rushed on to add, “but I don’t actually want to have sex with them! I’m the worst kind of tease!”

Phil shook his head. “Forget about what other people want. I want to know about what you want, what you like. I want to know about you, Dan. You’re the one I care about. Just … I don’t know … close your eyes or something. Forget I’m here if that helps. I don’t know. Just … tell me what you like.”

Dan closed his eyes, and that actually did help a little bit, because he felt less exposed. Like a baby playing peek-a-boo … if he couldn’t see Phil then it was like Phil couldn’t see him either. It made it easier to talk. And so he began to ramble. “I like … cuddling … and holding hands…” Phil’s hand squeezed slightly, and Dan squeezed back before continuing. “I like kissing, sometimes, but not always, and … I guess I like it better when it’s like kisses on the cheek or something. Not so much … on the mouth it’s more … I like kissing, but … not like it’s going to lead to sex.” He opened his eyes to look nervously at Phil.

Phil’s fingers were still holding Dan’s, and Phil’s lips looked soft and happy. How could Phil be happy after hearing what a freak show Dan was? “Dan?” Phil asked on a breath.

“Yeah?” Dan barely breathed in response.

“Is it okay if I kiss you, just a little, and you can tell me if you like it?”

Dan bit his lip, then nodded, tensing slightly. He closed his eyes and waited, but was surprised to feel Phil’s hand gently against the side of his head, sliding through strands of his hair. “Is this okay?” Phil whispered, and Dan nodded without opening his eyes.

And then Phil pressed the lightest of kisses on each of Dan’s eyelids, then another to his forehead. Dan felt his body relax, as if he’d been braced for an onslaught that had turned into a caress. Which was pretty much what had happened.

When Dan didn’t feel anything more for a while, he opened his eyes and saw Phil looking at him. “Was that okay?” Dan nodded. “Is there anything else you’d like?”

Dan wondered if he should be honest or not, then decided that he could. He could with Phil. “Could we just … if you put your arms around me … and we could spoon for a while? Just lay together, close, but without…” but Phil was already pulling Dan into his arms, not needing him to finish the thought, scooting and pushing and pulling until they were cozily curled together, Phil’s long legs pressed along the back of Dan’s, Phil’s arms wrapped around him, Phil’s warm breath against his hair and ear.

“Like this?” Phil asked, and Dan nodded again. They lay there together until Dan imagined their hearts beating in unison, hating himself for the cheesy thought. Phil’s voice in the quiet room startled him when he said softly, “You know, this would be a lot more comfortable in a bed…” but before Dan could even begin to tense up Phil was rushing to explain, “not to do anything else, but just because the sofa is kind of narrow and I’m kind of smashed up against the back, and we could cuddle easier in the bed. Not do anything but cuddle. Just cuddle … better.” And Phil huffed out a bit of a laugh, and it sounded nervous. Like maybe he was afraid he was pushing … like maybe he was afraid he was asking too much.

But he wasn’t. That was the important thing. Phil wasn’t asking too much. He was only asking for what Dan wanted … and nobody had ever done that before. Maybe Dan hadn’t given them the chance, because he hadn’t told them how he felt, but he had a feeling that nobody would have understood like Phil anyway. Even if he’d told somebody else, they wouldn’t have reacted like Phil. Because nobody else was like Phil.

So Dan said, “Yeah, okay, let’s go lay in your bed. Just to cuddle.” And they did. For hours. And they held hands. And Dan kissed Phil on the cheek. And they exchanged soft words. And Dan felt truly safe and happy and accepted for the first time. He knew he wasn’t a freak of nature, that there wasn’t any cookie cutter hierarchy of basic human needs, and Whatsisname Maslow could suck it.

The irony of the thought made him snort, and he heard Phil ask behind him, “What’s so funny?” When Dan explained, Phil kissed him soundly on his shoulder through his t-shirt, pulled up the duvet around them like a sheltering cocoon, and held him tight.

***

Author’s Note: To be clear, not all asexual people are the same—there is no cookie cutter sexuality. This is a portrait of a particular asexual character who should not be taken to represent the feelings, needs, or desires of any other asexual person, let alone all of us.

#phanfiction #phanfic #phandom pride month meetup #phandom meetup #tumblr phandom meetup #asexuality #asexual dan #phan #dan and phil #myphanfic

[dangoghz]

legitimate advice for new phandom blogs

hey !! so i know sometimes posts like ‘RULES FOR THE PHANDOM XD’ are made and they’re all like “numba one. dan is a squishy bean respect this uwu” but this isn’t gonna be like that lol. im just going to list a few actual things that might help people new to the phandom learn about and become integrated into the community! of course these aren’t ‘rules’ and u dont have to listen to any of it ofc,,, im not here to control ur blog, just here to say what people normally do. feel free to rb whether u are a new blog or not, ill appreciate it either way!

(NOTE: PLS TELL ME IF ANY OF THE LINKS DONT WORK AND ILL FIX THEM PERIODICALLY!)

italicized text is defined in the glossary at the bottom!

1. be interactive! 

here, unique to our corner of timmy darn communism, we have a lot of like virtual traditions that everyone knows. these help you to make friends and also grow ur blog with some new mutuals. here are some examples.

networks: networks, or nets, are a sort of selective gc, usually with a theme or concept that it’s based around, in which all who wish to be part of fill out an application form that determines whether they get in. this is kinda the one with the most work, as u also have to make a group blog and info post, but it’s definitely worth it. i have made my closest friends in nets (such as @phleurnet which i birthed), and a lot of people on here would say the same. if you want to know more or apply, my friend diana runs an update blog @phandomnets! (examples, these are all open btw: x x x)

meetups: meetups are not in real life, don’t worry. a meetup is when someone organizes a specific time at which we all post thing around a certain theme! for instance, on halloween on tuesday, my friend milo hosted a halloween meetup. usually people post selfies but if u are uncomfortable with that, u can post art, music, or anything else related to the theme. a blog called @phandommeetupwatch keeps track of these! (examples, all happening soon/just happened: x x x)

follow forevers: a follow forever is a big celebration post when u reach a follower count milestone, no matter 50 or 5k. u tag all of the blogs you love, and they reblog it to appreciate u! it’s really positive and shows people how their work has paid off. usually people are tagged in alphabetical order, and sometimes people bold their favorites but the stylization is up to u. (recent examples: x x x)

milestone activities: sometimes people do things for their followers when they reach a follower count that involves their followers requesting something! there are many many forms of this type of thing. a common one is blog rates, in which there is a set template and the blogger rates each blog that sends in an ask using the template (info post ex: x; rate ex: x). there are also url edits (x), name/url moodboards (x), and more. u can certainly come up w an idea of ur own, being creative is great!

talk to people: that’s right dude!!! ye!!! u can message a blog u think is cool, or send an ask if u think something they made or are talking about is interesting, or add something sweet in the tags (more on etiquette later) when u rb their post. additionally, sometimes people stir up discourse, and u should participate in it if u want (past discourse examples: x x). u can also send asks when people reblog ask games, which are a list of questions with a theme (new one of mine ex: x). 

2. play around with your blog!

customizing your blog can start giving you what we call a branding, making you distinguished from other bloggers. this can include everything from as simple as using an icon to coding your own about page. 

themes: a blog can be way more appealing if it is aesthetically pleasing. admittedly, i often follow people just because of the smoothness of their mobile theme. a mobile theme is rather easy to construct as u can do it on ur own with a phone. it is how ur blog looks on a phone. although u don’t have to do this, i recommend sticking to two to four colors on ur theme and avoiding stuffing it with a lot of bright things because it can distract from content. additionally, bloggers often make their descriptions short and succinct. (my fav mobiles: x x x.) on a pc, your blog theme can be customized completely on html, meaning there is a lot of freedom. u don’t have to learn to code for this, bc u can find free themes anywhere, just search ‘free tumblr themes’ on google. once again, be creative, but u shouldn’t overload. (my fav pcs: x x x.)

about pages: in order to avoid chunky descriptions but still let people know the key deets about themselves, bloggers create about pages. sometimes these bout pages are uncoded but u can also use html code if u want to. some common things in an about page are interests, maybe personality types/horoscopes/hogwarts houses, original content, and links to other social media. (examples: x x x)

urls: urls are a key part of your blog’s brand. ‘rebranding’ is what people say if they change their url! if u are tired or bored with your url, changing it is an opportunity to change your theme and other parts of ur blog as well. (url change ex: x). 

saved urls: saved urls are basically when bloggers hoard sideblogs in order to reserve the urls used for them. if you ever encounter a blank blog that has ‘saved’ as its title, that’s probably it. sometimes people like to give away their urls, either as a constant thing (ex: x) or by doing a url giveaway (x). either way, it’s a good opportunity to change it up!

tags: in order to keep their blog cleancut and organized, a lot of bloggers have special tags for certain people, certain topics, and/or certain types of media. many people in the phandom particularly have tags for dan and phil that match (strawberries and cream, lune and sole, etc). if they have many of these tags, there can be a page for their tags on their blog. this page can be coded with special html or just a regular tumblr page, it doesn’t really matter. but it’s very useful for those who visit your blog, and makes it easy for u to navigate older posts as well! (examples: x x x)

3. learn to make og content!

producing original content helps you establish what your strengths are and why people should follow you. it also allows u to contribute to the fanbase, and gives u a chance of being noticed by dnp! and the validation is lovely. there are many options if u want to make something. 

gifs: gifs are an ART here in the phandom, and its mechanisms still perplex me to this day bc ive never tried it. u probably already know what a gif is, but if not, its essentially a short animation made in photoshop that repeats. gifmakers are often distinguished by a unique coloring (example gifmakers: x x x), such as my friend emily’s smooth dark blue tint (x). it can be a long process to learn how to gif but it is very rewarding in the end, from what i’ve heard. (tutorials: x x)

art: there is a very wide range of phanartists, all with such talents, either digital or traditional, that you can draw inspirations from for your own work. you can make cartoons, comics, realism, abstract, nsfw even, or any mix (or none) of the former. artists on tumblr definitely deserve more attention than they get here on tumblr, so be sure to show appreciation towards them! (my fav artists: x x x)

edits: edits are the Graphic Designs of our community and are usually very aesthetically pleasing. they can be centered around a certain event, like a video or something dnp made, or just for fun. the more practice you get making them, the more dexterous u’ll become. they can be a great tool if u like the design aspect of art but don’t want to actually draw. (edit makers: x x)

icons: icons are just the little profile picture that u can insert for ur blog. it’s really easy and fun to make them, kind of like a lazy version of edits. you can make them using photoshop or an app like picsart or medibang, and it doesn’t take a lot of time. more on how to use icons in section 4. (examples: x x x) (my lil tutorial: x)

moodboards: moodboards are nine pictures arranged 3 by 3 that have a certain color scheme. it’s kind of like a collage except the photo feature here separates the pictures for u. there are a lot of innovative moodboard makers that stun me w how pretty it looks or how they arrange the pics. moodboards are also an easy and fun option! (moodboard tags: x x x)

textposts: this is by far the easiest and more common form of content u will find. it’s just writing about dnp in a textpost! if a textpost isn’t very serious, people also call it a meme or shitpost. shitposting is defs on the rise here so its a good business to get into. it’s also a great outlet for ur emotions or personal connections to what dnp do! (example talk tags: x x x)

fics: by far the most famous media to come out of here, phanfiction is a popular form of phan indulgence. u have probably heard of the most scarring ones (list: x), but there is actually a really vast range of it, not just creepy smut! some other genres are fluff, angst, and slow burns. u will discover that, despite the sterotype, not all fanfiction is bad. you can find lovely fics on @phanfictioncatalogue by genre, au, or topic. and, if u need help writing something, many writers would love to help. (a few well-known fics: x x x x x)

4. tumblr etiquette!

i know tumblr might seem like a simple social media (or perhaps not after u’ve read all the above?) but there’s a lot of things that u just....u just don’t do. it’s sort of like virtual manners, and if u don’t follow them, then it’s unlikely that people will like ur blog. once again, this is by no means me forcing u to run ur blog a certain way. it just happens that the types of ppl who break these rules are who we mock in gcs :////////. so yea, here’s some advice.

credits: if u decide to use someone’s art, edit, gif, or icon on the theme of ur blog, check what they require of u before u use it. most content creators strongly ask for credit in the description of ur blog, either by link or like ‘icon/header/art by ____’. it is just a common courtesy to the person who spent time on that, and if u think credit will ruin the aesthetic of ur blog, a) u probably don’t have an aesthetic in the first place and b) learn to appreciate art, binch. 

anonymity: anon asks can be very powerful either negatively or positively depending on how u yield them, so make sure that u are careful with what u send. compliments are always welcome and criticism as well, but blatant rudeness or hate will do nothing. u will only make someone feel bad about themselves and it will not accomplish anything. also, u face the threat of all their friends turning u into a meme. 

sensitivity: a lot of people here are way too easily offended by harmless jokes, a common example in the phandom being when we insult dnp affectionately and people take it way too much to heart. please don’t start drama over something w no real meaning. however, there are times when it is indeed necessary. if u want to criticise a blogger, be respectful of them simultaneously. by all means, if u spot someone being racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynist, or the like, feel free to call them out on it. but beforehand, make sure that u have done ur research and are educated on the topic, or u could turn out to be blatantly wrong. 

adding to posts: everyone makes this mistake when they start out here and that’s totally okay, but adding to every post u reblog is incredibly bothersome. a rule of thumb would be don’t add anything unless what u say will actually improve the post significantly. if ur additions are along the lines of ‘LOL’ or ‘i relate!!!!’ or ‘philly is a smol bean XD’, learn to use the tags for heaven’s sake. they’re there for not only organization but also for commenting. some exceptions, though, would be if u are mentioned in the post or the op is your close friend. 

respecting privacy: this should already be obvious to u, but respect dan and phil’s boundaries. do not tag them or their main tags (#daniel howell, #danisnotonfire, #amazingphil), in any phanfics, phanart (like specifically with them as a romantic ship), or phan edits. do not talk to their family members, expose their personal info like address or phone number, and do consider that they are real people just like u. we may make things based around phan, but it is kept in a community for us and not for dan and phil’s eyes. this is very important.

5. have fun!

sorry if this is all overwhelming, but i tried to make it as simplified as possible. and also sorry for the sass, i’m kinda tired of all the ding dongs on here and want to prevent further ding dongs from being created. thanks so much for readin and be sure to send me an ask anytime if u have questions! welcome to hell!

glossary

timmy darn communism: me being my usual weird self and replacing ‘tumblr dot com’ with random words that start with the same letters

mutuals: someone who you follow and who follows you; usually who u interact with most

rb: shortening for ‘reblog’

discourse: when theres is intense discussion of a certain topic, sometimes phan-related sometimes not, sometimes serious and sometimes silly

branding: the word ‘branding’ kinda started as a joke, but it’s generally what we use to call what someone’s blog reminds them of, whether it be a certain color or a discussion topic; my branding, if u asked a mutual, would probably be impressionism, tea, and baguettes (dont ask ab that one)

html: a simple type of coding used for designing websites! u can learn basic html here or here, it’s way easier and funner than it looks

dnp: dan and phil; we also say ‘deppy’, ‘dip and pip’, ‘the boys’, ‘the rats’, and more

coloring: basically the stylization of a gif, shown through filters, textures, contrast, brightness, etc. 

talk tag: a tag in which all of the textposts that a person makes are sorted into

phanfiction terms

smut: porn fic :/ 

fluff: just what it sounds like, a type of fic that usually has a lot of soft stuff like cuddling, flirting, and looooove

angst: a fic with a lot of drama, usually sad or very emotional

slow burn: a fic where a pairing, in this case phan, slowly falls in love

au: stands for ‘alternate universe’, a fic in which dan and phil are written not as youtubers but in a completely different scenario (ie. bad boy and new guy in high school, university students, space exhibition, anything u can dream up really)

anon: short for ‘anonymous’

op: short for ‘original poster’, aka who made the post

#this took me SO LONG pls appreciate it #gogh away ester #dan and phil #phan #phandom #phan advice #phandom advice #phil lester #dan howell #luncheon

[realityisnoplacetolive]

Lost In Translation | Phandom Big Bang

Author: realityisnoplacetolive

Artist: @themessafterthemarty (the art is awesome omg)

Beta: @always-okay-katie (thank you so much for all your help!!)

Word count: 11k

Rating: PG

Warnings: None

Summary: In a world in which everyone is born with their soulmate’s first words to them tattooed somewhere on their body, it would seem that loneliness is finally cured. But Phil Lester has a problem. His tattoo is in a language he can’t speak.

A/N: Additional thanks to @awesomesockes, for being Danish and therefore occasionally helpful in the endeavor :p And to Gina, for giving me really awesome advice about pacing, which i was too stubborn to actually implement, but I appreciated nonetheless <3 (you tried)

His situation wasn’t exactly common, but it wasn’t unheard of either. Phil’s mum often tried to assure him of this - he wasn’t the first person on Earth to have a language barrier between him and his soulmate. But that was easy for her to say, when she was born with the words ‘Have you got a partner for the assignment yet?’ tattooed in neat script across her collarbone. Phil’s father had asked her this question at the start of year five, and despite the response she’d given him of ‘Sorry, Charlie’s just asked me’, the two had been fast friends ever since. Those five words covered his dad’s left calf, and he often teased his wife about how her first words to him were rejection.

But Phil Lester would’ve given anything for something as simple and direct as that. The twenty-two year old sighed at the foreign phrase printed across his right forearm for what felt like the millionth time.

“Yeah, well, beats mine anyway,” his older brother had assured him. Phil had to giggle, remembering the ‘Would you like to order drinks?’ tattoo on Martyn’s bicep.

As teens, a group of his brothers’ friends had started a sort of competition for who could find their soulmate fastest. Of course, it didn’t really work that way. The first meeting was something predetermined before birth; trying to rush fate was pointless. And while they believed that on some level, impatient young people were notorious for trying to manipulate their situations to make it happen a bit sooner.

Martyn’s friend, Jack, for example, had been born with the tattoo ‘Try not to move - it might be broken’. He’d taken it as an open invitation to try all kinds of extreme sports, from BMX biking to water skiing. By the age of seventeen, Jack had already broken eleven bones with no luck on the soulmate front. In the end, he’d had to trip over a rolled up floor mat and sprain his knee while walking into Asda before finally meeting Emma.

Not one to be outdone, poor Martyn had taken nearly every penny he’d earned from his summer job at a bowling alley and spent it trying out various restaurants and sneaking into bars. He’d get his hopes up with each new server, only to have them dashed again every time the waitress remained unphased by his drink order. Eventually, he’d made peace with it. He’d meet her when he’d meet her, and that was that.

But with a line like ‘Er det dine briller?’ inked into his skin, it seemed foolish for Phil not to prepare a little.

The phrase was in Danish: are these your glasses? Translating it had been the easy part - his parents had done that for him with the help of a Danish-English dictionary they’d purchased about a week after he was born (after first spending a few afternoons in the library determining the tattoo wasn’t German or Dutch or Swedish). What to do with that information next, however, was a little less obvious.

When Phil was little, having such a mark was almost a relief. Much like a child taking their first steps or graduating school, meeting one’s soulmate for the first time was considered such an important milestone in someone’s life that it wasn’t uncommon for parents to hover over their children’s first interactions with strangers, hoping to hear those magic words. But with Phil’s odds of simply bumping into his soulmate on the playground at next to nil, much of the pressure involved in making new friends was off. In a way, it was nice.

For his thirteenth birthday, Phil’s parents had bought him a ‘Teach Yourself Danish’ book series, complete with audio tapes to practice with. But after a few weeks of struggling to wrap his mouth around the foreign words, Phil’s enthusiasm dwindled and the series took up residence in the corner of his book shelf where it collected dust for years to come.

xx

Phil was nineteen before things changed. He and one of his best friends, Amber, were spending the day at a funfair. She was eating candyfloss off a stick, while he was a very pale shade of green and trying his best to keep his lunch down after the Tilt-A-Whirl.

“Want a bite?” Amber said, offering the sugary pink substance to him. He grimaced and looked away. “Might help.”

“Doubt it.” He moved toward an empty bench a few feet away and sat down with a little groan, closing his eyes. Amber plopped down next to him, and they rested for a few minutes.

Phil had met Amber on the first day of sixth form. She was one of the very few girls Phil knew who didn’t place much stock in the soulmate system. Amber had a bit of a rebellious streak, and never shut up about how dumb she considered it that some unknown force in the universe was supposed to decide who she should spend her life with.

“When I do meet him, I bet I won’t even like him,” she often complained. “I feel sorry for the bloke, honestly.”

She’d gone out with several different guys throughout their school career, which had earned her a certain reputation with many of the other students in their year. She rarely ever did anything with these boys, she’d confided in Phil once, but she found everyone else’s assumptions about her fascinating. Plus, there was something so liberating about spending the evening sitting on the sofa, “wasting her time” - as her grandmother often chided - by getting to know someone who’d only leave her in the end.

“But that’s exactly the point,” Amber would argue back. “There’s no pressure this way - no promise of a future. Just right now.”

Honestly, Phil wished he could have such a flippant attitude about the whole matter. Amber was on a whole new level.

“You’re not gonna eat that?” a male voice interrupted Phil’s thoughts.

Phil’s eyes snapped open again, and he noticed a young man approaching them. Amber sat frozen with one arm reached out, just getting ready to drop the last bit of her candyfloss into the bin next to the bench. Phil’s heart leapt and he shot his friend a look of amazement.

“Why?” Amber replied to the stranger, a mixture of nervousness and excitement in her voice. “You starting a half-eaten candyfloss collection?”

“Holy fucking shit on a stick!” the stranger exclaimed, his eyes lighting up with the same excitement. “That’s my tattoo!”

Grinning, Amber lifted the leg of her jeans just enough to show the ‘You’re not gonna eat that?’ tattooed on her ankle. “And you?”

The stranger, with an even bigger smile, held out his forearm. “Half-eaten candyfloss collection! Who even says that?” He laughed. “I was worried I’d never find you! My name’s Matt by the way.”

As Phil walked along the rest of the day, listening to Amber and Matt chat excitedly several paces ahead, he began to understand the meaning of the term “third wheel”. He also resolved to sign up for Danish lessons as soon as he got home.

xx

It was another three years before Phil finally got his chance to visit Denmark. Amber and Matt - now recently engaged and sharing a flat - had booked him tickets to Copenhagen as a part belated birthday, part ‘sorry that we found true love and ran off together while you’re over there all alone’ present. But he wasn’t about to be one to turn down a free trip, even one born out of pity.

Phil greatly increased his language studies in preparation. He’d found an internet proxy that allowed him to stream the Danish national television channels, and was thoroughly enjoying Danish X Factor. It turned out horrible talent show auditions were universal.

“So are you like, fluent now?” Martyn asked him that evening when he came to visit, the night before Phil set off. He stood in the doorway to Phil’s room with his arms crossed, leaning against the frame, as he observed his younger brother. Phil was sprawled out in his bed with his laptop, watching Huset på Christianshavn - a sitcom from the late 70s featuring an odd bunch of Danes living in an apartment complex who did an appalling amount of drinking and not much else.

“Uh, no. Not quite there yet,” Phil answered without looking up. That was an understatement - his eyes were currently glued to the rapidly moving subtitles, which gave him his only hope of comprehension.

“Ah, well, I’m sure you’ll do fine,” his brother said. He moved from the doorway and sat down on Phil’s desk chair. “Cornelia says hi by the way - she wanted to come along and send you off properly, but she’s got some huge chemistry exam tomorrow morning. Says her professor is a nightmare.”

Even just mentioning Cornelia’s name, Martyn’s face seemed to light up. Phil had noticed this with most of his friends who’d found their soulmates and a familiar pang of bitterness hit him. He swallowed it down before he spoke.

“It’s alright,” Phil said dismissively. “It’s not like I’m gone a year. Just six days.”

“Who knows,” Martyn grinned, “you might just be so smitten after you meet them that you decide to stay.”

The words struck a nerve. “You know, I wish everyone would stop putting all this pressure on me,” Phil snapped. “There’s no guarantee that I’m meeting anyone on this trip - there never is.”  

“Hey man, it was just a joke…” Martyn tried.

“No, it’s not! It’s the one person that the universe has decided is compatible with my soul and I have to fly to bloody Denmark to even have a shot at meeting them!”

“That’s not true, you-”

But Phil cut him off. “All my friends are getting engaged or moving in together or just out having their own adventures because at least they know they have an equal chance of meeting their soulmate wherever they might end up, but here I am, preparing myself for my one chance to meet someone I won’t even be able to communicate with!”

He paused for a breath. It was as if a dam had been opened - now that all his worries were flooding out, he felt powerless to stop them. He went on, “And if this fails, then what? Wait to save up enough and try again? Move there? What if I don’t even like this stupid country?”

“They all speak English there,” his brother reminded. “They learn it from like, year one. They’ll probably be better than you.”

“But will they think English?” Phil asked, something akin to desperation in his voice. “Will they feel English? When we lay in bed and tell each other our deepest secrets, will their words come out effortlessly in English, or will it constantly be work for them to translate their every thought to a language not their own because I’m a piece of shit who was literally born with an assignment printed on his arm but put off studying for twenty-two years?!”

Hot tears were sliding down Phil’s face now. He slammed the laptop closed and pushed it aside before sitting up on the bed and pulling his knees up to his chest.

Martyn rose from the desk and moved over to sit next to Phil on the edge of the bed. He offered his shoulder, and his brother, grateful for the comfort, lay his head against it. “You are way overthinking this, mate,” Martyn said softly.

“I know…” Phil breathed back. And deep down, he did know. “It’s just…” He cut himself off with a sigh.

“Just what?” his brother prompted.

“Just… what if it all goes horribly wrong? You know, like Great Uncle Ronnie….”

Martyn rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Phil, your soulmate speaks Danish and you don’t. That man was born with the tattoo ‘Time of death: 7:46’ on his chest. Your situation is not even close to that level of depressing.”

“But what about-” Phil began.

“Enough,” Martyn cut in. “You have six days of free travel in a beautiful foreign country. For once in your life, let’s just forget about this whole soulmate business and focus on that. Can you manage that?”

Slowly, Phil nodded his head.

“Good.” Martyn ruffled his brother’s hair with his hand before turning to the empty suitcase lying on the floor. “Now let’s get you packed. And bring an umbrella - I just checked the weather and it looks like six solid days of rain.”

Phil let out a sigh. “Fantastic.”

xx

Keeping his word to Martyn ended up not being nearly as difficult as Phil had imagined. There was plenty to do and see in Copenhagen besides soulmate searching. In four days’ time, Phil had already seen The Little Mermaid statue (which was significantly smaller than he’d imagined), visited two castles, explored Tivoli Gardens, gone for a canal tour, a bus tour, and a bike tour, and posed for his mandatory selfie in front of the capital guards.

But even with all the activities to occupy his time, he’d be lying if he said choosing to wear his glasses rather than contact lenses that week was just a coincidence, or that the few instances where he’d left those glasses sitting on restaurant tables or park benches had been complete accidents.

It turned out, most Danes kept to themselves. He was rarely spoken to by anyone, though one man did give a small cough and incline his head in the glasses’ direction. Phil had acknowledged him with a nod and gave a slight smile before retrieving them. Non-verbal interactions seemed to be Denmark’s speciality.

But finally, after several of these such attempts, a stranger fell for his bait. Phil had taken off his glasses and set them on the cafe table where he’d been sipping a latte. He’d walked halfway to the door, and was just about to complete his routine of acting as though he’d suddenly realized they were missing and backtracking to the table, when he heard a phrase that sent a chill down his spine.

“Excuse me, are those your glasses?”

Phil spun around excitedly at the words, but his eyes met those of a woman in her mid-fifties. She wasn’t exactly his type, but then again, platonic soulmates, though rare, were still a possibility…

“Mine b-briller?” he stuttered back, the words sounding all thick and wrong in his hopeless accent.

The woman looked puzzled. “Nå! Er du dansker?” she asked.

“…What?” Phil replied.

“I guess not.” The corners of her mouth turned up a bit into a smile. “I asked if you were Danish,” she explained, a slight accent to her voice. “I think you left your glasses on the table.”

“Oh, right, thanks,” he mumbled. Phil picked them up and stuffed them into his bag. He didn’t even need them at the moment - he was wearing his contacts anyway.

The woman was already moving to join the queue at the counter, and Phil considered just letting it go. But no, he’d come all this way; he had to be sure.

He hurried back over to her. “Sorry, excuse me?” he said quickly. She turned to look at him. “I’m sorry, I just have to ask something. When you asked me about the glasses the first time, were you speaking Danish or English?” He’d been so startled by her question before that he hadn’t even noticed.

She frowned. “English, wasn’t it? I saw the book you were holding, so I just assumed. Something wrong?”

Phil could’ve kicked himself. Of course. When carrying a book titled “Tourist in Copenhagen”, he wouldn’t look exceptionally Danish.

“No, nothing’s wrong. I guess I just got my hopes up for a second.” Feeling he owed her an explanation, Phil gave a small sigh and pushed his right jacket sleeve up to reveal his tattoo.

The woman squinted to make out the words, and then her expression instantly changed to one of understanding. “Nåh. I’m afraid I’m taken.” With a kind smile that crinkled up the corners of her eyes, she tugged down the top hem of her shirt just enough to expose the writing on her collarbone: Mine underbukser har fået hjemve. Then she held up her left hand and wiggled the fingers. The sunlight glinted off her wedding ring.

If she hadn’t been so sweet, Phil thought he might have died of embarrassment. “I’m so sorry, really. I’ll go now.” He spun around quickly toward the door.

“It’s alright!” she laughed after him. “And count your blessings - at least your tattoo doesn’t declare to all the world that your soulmate’s first words to you were that he had a wedgie.”

Even with his cheeks burning as they were, Phil had to giggle as he ducked out of the cafe and back to the walking street.

xx

Despite his horrible luck on the soulmate front, Phil had managed to enjoy his time in Denmark for the most part.

Martyn had been wrong about the weather after all. Or, mostly right - it had been storming all morning, but the clouds above had parted in the last twenty minutes and the sun was shining brightly enough now that Phil stopped walking to shrug off his jacket and locate his sunglasses.

He’d just managed to free them from his bag when he felt some kind of strap hit the back of his knees, tripping him up. Three large, eager dogs had suddenly appeared on his right, accompanied by a woman on his left who was simultaneously riding a bike and struggling with one arm to hold on to three leather leashes, which were wrapping around the back of Phil’s legs. Two of the dogs crossed in front of Phil, twisting the leashes even further around his ankles and pulling both himself and the cyclist off balance. The bike toppled over, while Phil fell backwards, smacking the back of his head on the landing. Suddenly all five of them were lying on the pavement in a pile of tangled limbs and barking animals.

“Undskyld! Undskyld!” the woman apologized profusely, then proceeded to babble on. Context, plus the limited Danish he could comprehend, told him she was explaining something about how her dogs had gotten away from her, how she was terribly sorry about that, and then asking whether or not he was alright. Not wanting to cause a fuss, Phil simply nodded as they disentangled.

A headache was already building from the jolt. He slowly made his way up to standing and started brushing off his pant legs, which now had damp spots on the back where they’d touched the ground. His possessions were scattered over the street, and the woman, still rambling on in Danish, was hurriedly trying to help him gather everything again.

“Er det dine briller?”

But it hadn’t been the woman asking the question. A new voice had joined the mix. The words startled Phil and his heart leapt in his chest. He spun around to see another guy, late teens or early twenties, stooping down and holding out Phil’s sunglasses.

Are these your glasses? The words seemed to be sung in angel chorus. This was his moment. Phil Lester had had twenty-two years to come up with an answer to that question. He’d rehearsed in front of the mirror, night after night, what fluent Danish response he might say back. He had taught himself affirmative replies, negative replies, replies that were somewhere in the middle - hell, he’d even learned a pick up line or two.

Yet despite all that, when presented with the question that had been inked into his skin since the day he was born, Phil became a blubbering mess. “Ja!” he pointed to the glasses excitedly and then to himself. “Du er min!”

The stranger raised one eyebrow and cocked his head to the side curiously. “Snakker du til brillerne? Eller til mig?”

“…What?” Phil questioned. The stranger deposited the glasses into Phil’s open hand, looking amused. “Jeg snakker kun lidt dansk,” Phil admitted, using one of the first phrases he’d ever learned of this language: I don’t speak much Danish.

“Clearly,” the man snorted under his breath.

“Oh! Engelsk?” Phil squeaked hopefully. “You speak English?”

The man was grinning now. “I should hope so,” he replied. “Twelve years in the English public school system should have taught me that much.”

Phil’s world was spinning now. He brought a hand up to his head, which was throbbing. “Wait, does that mean… you’re not Danish?”

“God no,” the man snorted out a laugh. “I’m from Wokingham.”

“But you spoke…?” Phil trailed off, looking confused.

The stranger nodded, having grasped Phil’s not quite finished question. “My dad lives here, so I’ve been picking up the language. Plus there’s some online Danish program I do when I can be arsed to remember it.”

“Oh, me too I guess…” Phil mumbled. “Er, not the dad part. Just I’ve been trying to learn, I mean.” The cyclist had managed to gather the dogs and bike together again and was starting to limp away. He’d offer to help her, if he wasn’t also slowly dying himself.

“Cool,” the stranger remarked. His look changed to one of concern, as Phil had gone quite pale. “Hey, you alright?”

“Yeah, just… my head…” Phil slurred, bringing his hand up to prod at the rapidly swelling lump. “I-I should sit down.” He glanced around desperately for a chair.

“Oh. Um…” After a second of hesitation, the man took Phil’s arm and guided him back into the cafe, and then into a booth. He disappeared and then reappeared a minute later with a bottle of water, which he offered awkwardly.

Phil gave him a small smile of gratitude and took the bottle before letting out a tiny groan. “This wasn’t how I planned this day to go.”

The man smiled kindly at him. “That’s life, isn’t it?” He extended his right hand. “I’m Dan, by the way. Dan Howell.”

“Phil,” Phil replied, shaking it. Clumsily, he reached into his pocket, mumbling, “I can pay you back for the water…”

“Oh, no.” Dan waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not everyday something like… this happens.” The words seemed to trip him up at the end.

Phil changed the subject. “You said your dad lives in Denmark?”

“Yeah, he works for an international shipping company,” Dan explained, perking right up. “I live with my mum though, back in England. But I usually come visit a few weeks every summer and every other Christmas.”

“I see…” Phil nodded, then regretted that as the throbbing in his head increased. “But you’re fluent in Danish?”

“Oh no, not even close,” Dan snorted. “I don’t even think most Danes are fluent. Have you heard this language? You might as well just cram a large vegetable down your epiglottis - that seems to be what it would take to choke out half their vowel sounds.”

Phil was starting to feel a little foolish now. He brought the water to his lips, but pulled it away again before taking a sip. “I… I’m sorry. I’m just having a little trouble taking all of this in. I think I hit my head when I fell. But you’re saying you’re not Danish? Not at all? Not even like, half?”

“I mean, if you go back a few generations on my dad’s side, there was a bit of scandal that may or may not have involved the Crown Prince, but nothing was ever confirmed….”

Phil nodded, slower this time. Again, he tried to take a drink of water, but the questions were bursting inside of him to get out. He set the still full bottle back down on the table. “Right, sorry, still trying to get this straight. You’re telling me that the last twenty-two years of my life have been a lie? That all along you were just some English bloke I could have met at home?”

Dan seemed to take offense at this. “Hey, I’m not just some Engli-”

Phil cut him off. “I-I planned my life around this! I picked a course at uni that I could transfer internationally! I learned Denmark’s history! I studied this bloody language - do you know how hard is it to find Danish courses in England?!”

“Actually, I do,” Dan replied stiffly, “but what has any of that got to do with-”

But Phil pressed on. “All the nights I spent lying awake, worried I wouldn’t be able to communicate with my… my soulmate -” He spat out the last word in disgust, “And… And now…”

At the mention of that word, Dan’s gaze shifted away; suddenly he appeared very interested in the salt and pepper shakers.

Phil stopped abruptly, feeling ashamed. He could understand Dan’s response. Personally, Phil had known he was bisexual since he was fifteen, so the fact that the universe had paired him with another male didn’t come as a complete shock to him. But he had no way of knowing yet where Dan stood on the matter. Regardless, he definitely wasn’t making the best first impression.

“I’m sorry. I’m not normally like this.” Phil gestured an open hand vaguely around his head. “I - I hit my head,” he finished lamely.

“Yeah, you mentioned. Like three times now.” Most of the stiffness had gone from Dan’s tone. He watched as Phil rested his elbows on the table and brought his hands up to cover his face. This seemed to soften him even further. “Uh, how bad is it? Do you need to call someone?”

“No, no… It’s fine,” Phil muttered into his hands. “Just hurts.” He lowered his hands again and looked back up. “But… you did ask it, right? I mean…” For the second time that day, Phil held out his bare forearm to a stranger, revealing those four troublesome words: Er det dine briller. “These were your first words to me?”

Dan shifted in his seat. “Er… Well, yeah, but…”

Phil felt himself deflate at the response. “But you have a different tattoo,” he finished. Of course he did - how could Phil have been so stupid? “I’m so sorry, I should have known better. God, this day has been awful. I’m so sor-”

“Ja, du er min,” Dan whispered.

“Sorry?”

A little more confidently now, Dan spoke again, “Ja, du er min. That’s what you said back.”

“Wait.” Phil frowned, recalling the incident. “Didn’t I say det er min? As in, they - the sunglasses - are mine?”

“Nope.” Dan grinned and shook his head. “You definitely said du er min. As in, you are mine.”

“Aw damn it,” Phil muttered, “I’m always messing up the pronouns in this language.”

Dan snorted in amusement.

“Can… Can I see your tattoo then?” Phil asked tentatively.

Dan’s eyes darted down to his own lap. “Oh. Uh… Maybe another time.”  

Phil looked hurt. “If this is because of what I said before, I really am sorry. I never should have implied you weren’t who I thought you’d be. I was just so shocked and-”

“No, it’s not that,” Dan said quickly. “I just… don’t really feel comfortable showing you right now.”

Phil drew in a long, deep breath before biting his lower lip. This didn’t make any sense - nothing about this meeting had gone even remotely like he had pictured. His throat was tightening and he had to blink a few times to keep his tears in check. Crying in front of the man would really put the icing on the cake, wouldn’t it?

“You… You don’t want to show me your mark?” Phil questioned. He was fighting to keep the pleading tone out of his voice, but it slipped through anyway.

“Er, not right now, no,” Dan confirmed. Though he looked apologetic.

“But you’re sure we’re soulmates?” Phil pressed on. “Like, sure sure?”

“Du er min,” Dan said with a nod.

“Then, I just don’t understand.” He was thoroughly exasperated now. “Why can’t I see it? I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but we just met, so-”

“Exactly! We just met. Which is why I’m not particularly comfortable showing you such a private thing.”

“But then how will I-”

“It’s on my bum, alright?!” Dan exclaimed in frustration.

Phil blinked at him. “Sorry, what?”

“On my arse, in huge fucking block letters, I have a tattoo that says ‘Ja du er min’,” Dan clarified. “I can assure you, you are the first person to ever greet me with those exact words.”

At that point, Phil realized his mouth had been hanging open and quickly shut it. Virtually all soulmate tattoos were on perfectly innocuous parts of the body: arms, wrists, ankles, collarbones, feet. He’d heard once of a German teenager who’d come out claiming his mark was on his penis and that was why he’d been harassing half the girls at his school with dick pics. The story had been on the news and everything. But the mark had turned out to be fake - his real soulmate tattoo was at the base of his neck, covered by his long hair, and simply said ‘Nein’.

With wide eyes, Phil leaned in closer and whispered “…For real?”

His soulmate nodded miserably. He seemed thoroughly embarrassed.

“But… But that’s so cool!” Phil grinned.

Now it was Dan’s turn to blink back. “How is being tramp-stamped from birth in any way cool? Do you know what they call tattoos like that in Denmark?” he demanded.

Phil shook his head.

“Røvgevir. Ass antlers.”

But as Phil dissolved into giggles, Dan gave up trying to act annoyed. “Alright, it’s a little funny,” he admitted. “But realize that anytime I wanted to see my soulmate’s first words to me, I had to take down my pants and read them backwards in a mirror.”

“And it really says those exact words?” Phil giggled on.

“It really does. ‘Yes, you are mine’,” Dan recited back the translated version. He was snickering too now.

“God, you must have thought I’d be a serial killer!”

“Or perhaps a raging drunk,” Dan put in. “Speaking of…” His gaze traveled down to his backpack, then over to to the door. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

xx

After exiting the cafe, the two found a grocery store and stopped in to get some sandwiches and paper cups and plates to take with them. The rain had managed to stay away and, for the first day since Phil had arrived, the sun was actually shining. But even if they had walked directly into a hurricane, the day couldn’t have seemed anything but gorgeous to him.

Together, they crossed a few streets, and several minutes later arrived at the large square garden that surrounded Rosenborg Castle. Around them, there were people walking their dogs, riding bikes, or just relaxing in the rare bit of sunshine. Dan guided him over to a spot on the grass near a statue of Hans Christian Andersen and surprised Phil a bit by pulling a blanket from his backpack and spreading it out on the slightly damp grass.

But if the blanket had been unexpected, it only got stranger as Dan proceeded to pull an unopened bottle of champagne out of the bag. Phil looked at him curiously.

Dan shrugged at the reaction. “I always like to be prepared.” Noting Phil’s look of incredulousness, he laughed and explained, “Nah, I bought it when you went looking for the paper plates. It’s funny not getting asked for ID here - there’s no drinking age in Denmark, you know?”

Phil picked up the bottle and scanned the Danish label. “Looks fancy.”

“My dad told me this brand is the best.” Dan popped the cork off, seeming a little surprised as the fizz rushed out. Phil handed him two of the little paper cups and Dan poured them each one.

“Cheers,” Dan said. “Or I guess we should say skål.”

“Skål,” Phil repeated, tapping his paper cup to Dan’s. He took a sip of the liquid, but immediately had to fight to keep from scrunching up his face at the taste. Not wanting to offend his soulmate any more than he’d already done, he hummed, “Mmmm…”.

Dan, who had also sipped his, now frowned and peered into the cup. “Huh. Tastes like ass.”

“Yeah…” Phil agreed with a giggle. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but…”

“Should’ve known Dad was taking the piss.” Dan scooted over to the edge of the blanket and poured his cupful out into the grass. “So much for that.”

“Still, it was a nice thought,” Phil said. “I should have thought to do something cool for you…”

Dan glanced down and his cheeks reddened again. “Oh no, it’s no big deal,” he mumbled quickly. He looked back up. “And you said you’d been learning Danish, didn’t you? That’s a huge something.”

Phil gave a humorless laugh. “Yeah, that was a great use of my time, wasn’t it?” With a sigh, he lay back on the blanket and brought his hands up over his face again. “This day has been so humiliating,” he moaned. “Why does this soulmate business have to be so complicated?”

Dan laughed and joined Phil in stretching out on the blanket. “Tell me about it.”

xx

Phil made it about thirty minutes into their picnic before an acute increase in pain and dizziness upon sitting up caused him to vomit his half-sandwich and ass-champagne over the side of the blanket. Mortified, he tried to stand up and move away, but his world was spinning so much that he would have toppled right over if not for Dan grabbing his arm to steady him.

“Whoa, hey, hold on,” Dan commanded as Phil tried to pull away from his grip. “You need to sit back down.”

“I-I need to g-go,” Phil slurred, not entirely sure where he was trying to get to. Besides away, that is. Preferably some place dark and quiet and far removed from other humans. His head was pounding.

“I know, we’re going, just hold on,” Dan assured, though he sounded nervous. Once he was convinced Phil could stand on his own, Dan ducked away to gather everything back into his bag. Phil let his eyes close as he swayed in place, just focusing on remaining upright.

Things were a blur from that point on, due mainly to the persistent ringing in Phil’s ears. Dan moved him to a park bench and then started asking him all kinds of questions. But Dan’s voice was hard to make out - almost like Phil was underwater - so Phil couldn’t give many answers. The questioning finally stopped when a concerned-looking Dan took out his phone and stepped a few paces away to make a call.

About ten minutes later, Dan was ushering Phil into a taxi. Phil had a vague sense that he really shouldn’t be getting into a cab with a man he’d just met an hour or two before, soulmate or not, but he was feeling too out of it to protest. Next thing Phil knew, he was being led into a reception area of a bright waiting room and nudged toward a chair.

“…This a hospital?” Phil mumbled as he sank into his seat. The change in location had made him feel a bit more coherent.

Dan scratched the top of his head, looking awkward. “Yeah… I think you need to get your head checked.”

“Rude.”

“What?” Dan frowned at first, but then his eyes widened in understanding. “Oh no, not like that! I just meant because of the…” He trailed off as he noticed Phil was smirking at him. “Oh. Got your sense of humor back, I see.”

Phil giggled a bit. Gingerly, he lifted his hand up to feel the lump on the back of his skull and winced. It had definitely gotten bigger.

“I should go sign you in,” Dan decided, glancing to the front desk. “Have you got an ID on you?”

Nodding slowly, Phil reached into his pocket and pulled a card from his wallet. “I hope they speak English here,” he mumbled, passing the card to Dan.

“I wouldn’t worry about it.” Dan dismissed him with a shrug. “Pretty much everyone here does.” Once again, Phil felt dumb for having spent so many years worrying about the potential language barrier.

Dan examined the card. “So it’s Lester, is it?” he mused. Phil gave a small grunt of confirmation. “Philip Michael Lester… I like it.” Nodding to himself, Dan turned and took the card up to the reception desk.

The waiting room was surprisingly quiet for a hospital, which Phil greatly appreciated. If only it wasn’t so damn bright. He let his eyes close to block the light out. He must have started drifting off because a few moments later he felt someone gently nudging him back awake. Phil opened his eyes to see Dan had returned and was poking his shoulder, holding a clipboard in the other hand.

“You really shouldn’t sleep with a head injury,” Dan said as he sat down in the chair beside Phil. “This happened to my cousin once and I remember my aunt had to keep waking her up.”

Phil gave a tired grunt in response, his gaze falling to the clipboard which Dan had balanced on his lap.

“Normally they’d just have you scan your ID and then all your info is in the system already, but it won’t work because you’re not from Denmark so we’ve got these forms instead,” Dan rambled in explanation. Phil really couldn’t have cared less how the Danish healthcare system worked at the moment, but he nodded anyway. Leaning forward in his seat, Phil rested his elbows on his knees, allowing him to support his forehead in his hands.

“Do you live with your parents?” Dan’s voice asked.

“Just right now,” Phil mumbled back into his hands. “I’m planning on moving out soon… just don’t have things quite…” he trailed off feeling slightly embarrassed.

Embarrassment was really the emotion of the day for Phil. In the past twelve hours, he had accused a random Danish lady of being his soulmate, then gotten knocked down by a pack of dogs and helped to his feet by a man who turned out to be his actual soulmate, spluttered at him in a foreign language only to discover he spoke English all along, offended the man, and finally made up with him only long enough to puke all over his picnic.

“It’s okay, I live with my family too, whenever I’m home from uni,” Dan said, cutting his thoughts off. “Do you know your mum’s phone number?”

“Er… seven, one…” He closed his eyes tighter and rubbed at them. “Or…Or maybe it ends in seven one?” Normally he knew the number, but his head felt fuzzy and he was tired - so tired.

“That’s alright. What’s her name?”

“Mum…” Phil answered sleepily. His eyes were closed, so he missed Dan’s eyeroll. The tiredness won out and Phil drifted back off again until Dan’s voice startled him back to reality. “Wha..?” Phil mumbled.

“I asked if you’re on any medications,” Dan repeated his question.

Phil frowned. Soulmates or not, surely that wasn’t appropriate to ask someone you’d just met. “No? Are you?”

“Huh?” Dan replied. “Why?”

“Well why did you ask me?” Phil tried to demand. But it came out more like a whine.

Dan giggled a little, tilting the clipboard Phil’s direction as he did so. “Because it’s line twelve on this form.”

“Oh.”

After having filled out as much as he could, Dan returned the forms to the desk and Phil’s name was soon called by a nurse. Dan helped him to his feet and followed him to the doorway, but the nurse stopped him there.

“Sorry, only family is allowed in the exam room,” she said gently.

“Oh okay, I’ll wait here,” Dan said, turning.

“No!” Phil protested, more forcefully than he’d intended. Both Dan and the nurse froze. “I just mean, can’t he stay?” Phil pleaded. “We’re… we’re soulmates.”

Dan looked uncomfortable. “It’s okay,” he assured, glancing down to his feet. “I can just wait.”

“Please?” Phil begged. He wasn’t scared of hospitals exactly, but they always made him nervous, especially now when he wasn’t thinking totally clearly. Plus, having finally met Dan, he had no desire to let the man out of his sight so soon.

The nurse cast him a sympathetic smile before giving a quick nod and leading both of them back to the room.

The exam was fairly straight forward. First Phil had recounted the story of how he’d injured himself after being tripped by a cycling dog-walker (which the doctor declared with a chuckle to be the most Danish accident he’d ever heard). Then he’d been given both a physical and neurological exam, the latter requiring Phil to repeat certain words and solve a few very simple puzzles. In the end, he was diagnosed with a mild to moderate concussion.

“For the next 24 to 48 hours, it’s important that someone monitors you,” the doctor went on to explain to his increasingly drowsy patient. “Since it doesn’t seem to be too serious, it’s not necessary that you stay here overnight, so long as you have a family member or friend who can check you regularly to ensure your condition doesn’t worsen.” He glanced over to Dan. “The two of you are traveling together?”

“Er, well, not exactly…” Dan began sheepishly. “We sorta met today.”

“…But we’re soulmates,” Phil added groggily. Dan’s cheeks reddened.

The doctor raised his eyebrows. “Congratulations are in order then. This is a big day for the two of you -  a shame it had to end in meeting me,” he chuckled. Turning back to Phil, he asked, “Do you have someone who can stay with you to monitor your condition? Otherwise I’ll have to admit you.”

“Uhh…” Though Phil’s head was feeling better than it had two hours ago, he still felt like he was in a fog. He recognized all the words being spoken to him but it was as if they were devoid of any meaning. “I… what?” he asked. He glanced over to Dan and gave him a confused look.

“He’s asking if you have friends in Copenhagen that you’re staying with,” Dan clarified. “Or if you need to sleep here.”

Phil latched onto the second part of that question and frowned. “No, I don’t wanna sleep here.”

“I understand,” the doctor said kindly, “but someone needs to look after you for the next day or two.”

Whether it was from the concussion affecting his emotions or the realization that he might have to spend the night alone in a foreign hospital, Phil suddenly felt like crying. He bit his lower lip to keep it from quivering.

“I can stay with him,” Dan piped up, then turned to address Phil. “I mean, if you’re okay with that of course.”

Quickly brushing the tear that was threatening to roll down his cheek away with his hand, Phil cast him a grateful smile.

Satisfied that his patient would be monitored, the doctor went on to explain to Dan exactly how to do the neurological checks and what to do if Phil’s condition changed. Phil used this opportunity to let his heavy eyelids drop, not exactly sleeping but not really listening either.

After a few more minutes, he heard the door click shut as the doctor left and was nudged back to alertness.

“Alright, time to go,” Dan said gently. He helped Phil to his feet and guided him through the door. “I’ll need to call my dad when we get outside to let him know I’ll be staying with a friend tonight.”

Phil looked confused as they entered the hallway. “I thought… I thought you were staying with me?”

Dan rolled his eyes and gave a half-laugh. “It’s you, Phil. You’re the friend.”

“Oh. That’s good.” Phil smiled sleepily. Dan was good company, he decided.

xx

“Phil? Phil, time to wake up.” Someone was gently shaking Phil’s shoulder.

“No…” Phil groaned back without opening his eyes. He tried to tug the duvet up higher around his neck, but the someone was sitting on it. “Tired.”

“This will only take a few minutes,” the voice continued on. Under his breath, he added, “Just like the last five times…”

Eventually, Phil managed to pry his eyes open. He was in a small room lying on a double bed, engulfed in a very white duvet. Next to him sat a man who looked exceedingly familiar, but whom Phil couldn’t quite place. His confusion turned to panic and he sat up quickly. At the sudden movement, his head rushed and then started pounding.

“Whoa careful there…” the man warned. He reached out a hand toward Phil’s shoulder, but Phil scooted himself back against the headboard.

“Who are you?” Phil demanded.

“That was actually my first question for you,” replied the other with a smirk. He held up a small notepad and waved it in Phil’s direction. That also was definitely familiar. “Go on then, who am I? You know this one - at least you did an hour ago.”

Phil’s face screwed up in concentration. It was on the tip of his tongue. “Er….”

“I’ll give you a hint. Starts with D.”

“D?” Phil’s face screwed up in thought. “D… Don? Dave? Dan!” It was all flooding back now. “You’re Dan. I met you today. We had a picnic and you made me drink champagne that tasted like ass.”

“Ooh you’re getting better at this,” Dan remarked. He jotted something down on the notepad. “Took you three more hints last time. And you are?”

“I’m Phil.”

“Good.” Dan made another note. “Know where we are?”

Phil looked around. There was a desk in the corner of the room containing a phone, a mini electric kettle, tiny coffee cups barely large enough to hold two gulps of liquid each, and a stack of what looked to be tourist information brochures in mainly red and white colors. “A hotel,” he deduced. “In Copenhagen. Because I’m on holiday.”

“Excellent,” Dan confirmed. “And that goose egg you’re currently sporting on your skull which necessitates this hourly game of twenty questions is because…?”

Phil screwed up his face in thought. “I think… I fell?”

Dan snorted. “Technically, yes, you fell. Multiple choice bonus question: a group of what species animal tripped you? A, pigeons, B, dogs, or C, squirrels?”

Phil grinned. “Did you know that a group of squirrels is called a scurry?”

“You’ve mentioned that a few times now.” Dan smiled and shook his head slowly as he made another note on the pad. “Funny how that detail sticks when I can’t for the life of me get you to remember the current prime minister…”

“…And a group of ferrets is called a business,” Phil added helpfully.

“Yes, yes, moving on…” Dan answered without looking up from his paper. “What’s the square root of sixteen?”

“Uh… eight?”

“Amazing,” Dan remarked, making a note on the sheet. “No matter what your level of coherency is, you consistently believe that to be eight.”

Phil frowned. “It’s not?”

Dan gave an exasperated sigh, indicating they’d gone over this a few times already. “It’s four, Phil. Four squared is sixteen. Ergo, the square root of sixteen is four.”

Phil gave a sheepish smile. “Yeah… I haven’t had maths for a few years…”

“I’m starting to gather that much,” Dan muttered. He ran his pen down the list one last time. “Alright, you passed. You’re cleared to sleep.”

Phil’s smile faded. “Oh.” He was feeling a lot more alert than he had in awhile and wasn’t quite ready to return to unconsciousness. He glanced around for a clock. “What time is it?”

“Around midnight,” Dan answered. He stood from the bed and transferred over to the desk chair, settling right down into it. “We got back to the hotel at half six and you’ve been out since then. Except for our little interrogations every hour.”

“What have you been doing in between?”

Dan gestured to the small TV on the wall. The sound was muted, so Phil hadn’t even noticed it was on until now. The camera was panning out to show a group of islanders participating in some kind of physical challenge involving paddling a raft full of coconuts.

“What show is that?” Phil asked.

“The Danish version of Survivor, I think. That or it’s a really weird porno - with this country you can never quite tell. I’ve seen four dicks so far. They don’t even blur them out.”

Phil giggled at this. “I saw a bunch of Danish films to help me practice before I came here. I understand.”

Dan raised his eyebrows. “You really went all in, didn’t you?”

“I guess I was just nervous,” Phil said with a shrug. “I wanted to be sure I could relate to you, you know?”

“But isn’t the whole point of a soulmate that you don’t have to worry about that? That you have a promise from the day you’re born that someone out there is going to be perfect for you?” There was something odd about the way Dan said it - an almost bitter undertone.

“Well, yeah, in theory,” Phil defended. “But can you honestly say you never worried about getting along with your soulmate?”

“Didn’t really have to,” Dan mumbled under his breath.

Phil was about to ask what he meant by that when his soulmate brought his hand up to his mouth to cover a massive yawn. “Haven’t you slept at all?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. “Not yet. I was going to see if maybe they have a rollaway mattress I can borrow.”

“Oh.” Phil felt a little twinge of guilt. He glanced to his side. “You can take the bed if you want. I’ve slept a lot already…” But even as he suggested this, he felt his own eyelids drooping. Stupid head injuries.

Dan gave a half-laugh and waved Phil off with his hand. “There is no way I’m kicking the guy who’s so concussed that he was unsure of his own name a few hours ago out of the only bed in the room. I’m fine here.”

“Or…” Phil glanced over to the space next to him. “We could just share?”

Dan looked skeptical. “Oh. I don’t know…”

“I mean, unless that’s weird for you,” Phil backpedaled. “I just thought, you know…”

“No, it’s not that,” Dan said quickly. “Just, I don’t want it to seem like, I don’t know, like… I’m taking advantage?” His intonation went up at the end of his sentence, making the words sound more like a question than a statement. “You know, moving too fast?”

Phil thought this was a bit of an odd thing to worry about, given that the universe had already quite literally granted them its stamp of approval. In fact, it wasn’t uncommon for newly discovered soulmates to actually sleep together on the eve of their first meeting (though each generation denied to their parents that this was the case). But he just shrugged. “You’ve already seen me fall on my head, throw up my lunch, and forget my own name. I don’t know how much more intimate we can get.”

“You’ve got a point there,” Dan admitted. He flicked off the TV and stood to his feet. “Alright, budge up.”

xx

Dan and Phil got up late the next morning, exhausted from the hourly coherency checks. Or, at least they started out hourly. By three am, Phil had declared himself (in a rather whiny voice) to be “completely healed” and Dan hadn’t been awake enough to argue, so they’d finally silenced the alarms for good and eventually woken to sunlight streaming in through the curtained window. Thankfully, the extra rest seemed to have done Phil a lot of good - his head felt much clearer.

“What exactly is this?” Phil questioned, indicating the very dark, dense bread his soulmate was currently spreading - no, spackling - with butter. The two were seated in the small dining area of the hotel, eating their complimentary breakfast.

“It’s called rugbrød,” Dan explained. He added a piece of cheese on top before passing it over to Phil. “It’s like pumpernickel on steroids.”

Phil took a small bite and chewed it slowly. He’d never been much of a fan of cheese, and this grainy brick-like bread wasn’t helping.

Dan smirked at him, before taking a bite out of his own piece. “Kinda gotta get used to the texture,” he explained with his mouth full, “but between this stuff and potatoes, that’s like 90% of the Danish diet right there.”

“I’m starting to think I might not be cut out for the Danish lifestyle,” Phil said. He wrinkled his nose up and carefully set the bread back on his plate. “First the bicycling dog walkers… now this.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Dan reassured. “Even my dad can’t stand rugbrød and he’s lived here seven years.” He passed Phil one of the plain white bread rolls they’d grabbed as back up.

Phil took the roll gratefully. “It’s funny, really.” He started spreading it with butter. “All my life, I just assumed that I’d end up living in Denmark. It’s weird suddenly feeling like… I dunno, like, I have a choice, I guess.”

Dan nodded thoughtfully. “Like you’re in control for once.”

“Exactly.” He added a piece of ham to his roll and took a bite. “It’s a weird feeling.” Privately, Phil wasn’t sure whether or not he liked this feeling. There was something comforting in the idea that the universe - God or whatever was up there - was looking out for him. That he was part of some greater plan.

They ate in silence for a few moments before Dan said quietly, “You know… sometimes I wonder if this whole soulmate mark business isn’t more trouble than it’s worth.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asked, looking puzzled. “If we didn’t have our marks, how could we ever be sure we’re with the right person?”

“But even with them we can’t be sure sometimes,” Dan countered. “Like my parents for instance. Both of them have ‘Hello’.”

Phil winced in sympathy. Greeting word marks were among the most common soulmate tattoos for sure - he’d had three classmates with ‘Hi’ in primary school alone.

“Nearly everyone they met was a potential candidate,” Dan went on. “They’d known each other four years before they finally decided they might be soulmates and went ahead and got married. Never really could be completely sure.” He paused and then added in a subdued tone, “I kind of think it was the uncertainty that made them split up in the end.”

Phil didn’t really know what to say to that, so he settled for making a small humming noise in his throat. Dan was looking as though he regretted adding that last part. It was understandable; due to most folk’s fervent belief in destiny, divorce was rare. The soulmate bond was something that was meant to be unbreakable.

Quietly, Dan began gathering their used plates and cups together. “It goes the other way too,” he went on after a moment. “One of my uncles… well, he and his wife were definitely soulmates. I can’t remember quite what their tattoos were but it was something completely random, to the point where there was no question they were meant to be. But after a few months, she started being really awful to him - verbally, mostly, but then sometimes she’d hit him too. And my uncle wouldn’t leave her. He said they were meant to be together and nothing should ever separate what fate had joined.” Dan paused and shook his head slowly.

Phil was floored. “But how could that happen? If they were really supposed to be soulmates, how could she treat him that way?”

There was distinct bitterness in Dan’s reply. “Yeah, well the Howell family has never had much luck with the soulmate business.”

Together, they rose from the table and started walking their dishes over to the cart in the corner. “I’m sorry,” Phil said softly. “About your family.”

“It’s not your fault,” Dan said with a shrug. “It’s not really anyone’s fault.” He inhaled deeply before adding on the exhale, so low that Phil just barely made it out, “And that’s the worst part.”

xx

Phil’s flight back to England would be at seven that evening, so after their meal, the two made their way back to the hotel room to prepare to check out. Though they’d been chatting easily earlier in the day, Dan had stayed fairly quiet since their conversation at breakfast. He sat on the floor next to Phil, seemingly lost in thought as the other stuffed his final dirty socks into his mess of a suitcase.

“What are you thinking about?” Phil asked finally, in what he hoped was a casual voice.

“Nothing really,” Dan replied, without looking up. “Just… well it’s weird, isn’t it? To think we just met yesterday and now you’ll be leaving again.”

“Yeah, but we’ll see each other again,” Phil promised. “Once you’re back home, it’s only about a four hour train ride from my house in England to yours. And there’s always Skype.”

“I guess.” Dan sighed lightly. He noticed the corner of a t-shirt sticking out from under the bed, pulled it out, and tossed the shirt over to Phil.

Phil caught it with a grin. “Thanks.”

Dan hummed in acknowledgement, then let his gaze move back straight ahead of him. Phil started zipping the now overstuffed suitcase closed.

“I swear this all fit when I left home,” Phil grunted as he struggled.

“That’s how it always is, isn’t it?” Dan mused. He seemed to be mustering up the courage to say something. “Er… Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Uh…” Dan began again. “Before you leave…”

Phil paused and looked over. Dan was tugging at his shirt sleeves absently now. “I meant to say it before,” Dan went on. “But I just didn’t know the right time and then you were hurt and all wonky so I didn’t want to do it then…”

“What is it?” Phil asked. His heart was beating faster now.

“I just…” He took a deep breath, which seemed to strengthen his resolve. “It’s about my tattoo,” he blurted. “It’s…” Another breath. “It’s not like it’s…” He started again, then paused. Two breaths this time. “I didn’t exactly… “ He trailed off.

But he couldn’t seem to get the words out.

Finally, Phil spoke instead, his voice low. “It’s alright. I know.”

Dan looked surprised. “What?”

“I know, Dan,” Phil repeated softly. Abandoning the suitcase and crawling across the floor to Dan’s side, he let out a half-laugh of irony. “God knows I’ve been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I’ve known.” Now it was his turn for a breath. “We’re not really soulmates.”

In a flat voice Dan asked, “When’d you figure it out?”

“I’ve had doubts the whole time,” Phil said. “You won’t show me the mark, you look uncomfortable every time I say the word…” He smiled sadly. “I just couldn’t figure out why you’d lie about something like this.”

“But I didn’t lie…” Dan started.

Phil rolled his eyes. “Dan, c’mon. In that cafe, I flat out asked you if we were soulmates.”

“No,” Dan said quickly, “You asked I had a different tattoo. Which I don’t.”

“Same thing.”

“No, it’s not. Look, I’m sorry - I wasn’t honest. I don’t have your mark.” At Phil’s frown, Dan’s words started tumbling out even faster, as though he was scared if he didn’t let them all out at once, Phil would cut in. “But I didn’t lie - not exactly! I was watching you, because… well, because I thought you were cute and I knew I could never have anyone like you for real, and I know that makes me sound like a stalker but I swear I’m not!”

He paused for a breath before diving right in again. “Then you tripped. So I came over because I just wanted to see if you were alright, and your sunglasses were just laying there so I picked them up, but your sleeve was rolled up and your tattoo was right there. And I read it and it just fit so perfectly - like it was meant for that exact moment! And so I asked it - er det dine briller? And your eyes just lit up, and for once in my life I felt like destiny was on my side.”

“But you don’t have my mark,” Phil countered. “We don’t match. You’re meant for someone else.”

“I’m not! I’ll prove it!” Before Phil had time to register what was happening, Dan had stood up and whipped off his own t-shirt. Next came the socks. But as Dan started unbuckling his belt, Phil regained his wits.

“Whoa! What are you doing?” Phil exclaimed, throwing Dan’s shirt back at him. “Put your clothes back on!”

Dan made no attempt to catch the shirt and it fell to the floor next to him. “But don’t you see?” he asked desperately, fingers still fumbling with the buckle. “I’m nobody’s! I have no mark! Nothing! No one!”

Tears were starting to run from Dan’s red eyes down his cheeks now. His words came out thick with emotion. “The universe - God, or whoever is up there - looked at me and decided there was no one compatible with my soul. My parents thought I’d die young - maybe that would have been better than growing up knowing from the start that no one would ever love me like that!”

Phil sat frozen in shock. When a baby was born unmarked, it was always a sobering occurrence. Usually, it meant that the child would die before ever speaking their first words. One of his cousins had been unmarked and died a mere six hours after birth. But to live to be Dan’s age without a tattoo at all was unheard of.

Phil’s attention was drawn to a long, jagged scar on Dan’s otherwise unmarked torso. It started just below his ribs and stretched several inches to the top of his belly button. Dan seemed to sense Phil’s gaze. “A doctor told my parents once he had a theory it might be on the inside,” Dan said in a whisper, running his fingers over the scar. “I was seven years old when I decided I had to find it.”

Phil felt faint. “You… You did that to yourself?”

Dan nodded. “Used the pocket knife Dad got me for my birthday that year. Mum had a fit when she walked into the bathroom and found me in the middle of my little surgery.” In a lower voice, he added, “It was one of the last fights they had before they split.”

“I… I don’t know what to say,” Phil stammered.

Dan laughed humorlessly. ��No one ever does.” His tears had stopped just as abruptly as they’d started and he wiped them away roughly with the back of his hand.

It was a long moment before Phil spoke again, and the words came out cold. “You still lied to me.”

“And I’m not trying to get your sympathy - I swear,” Dan assured. “Just… trying to give you a reason.”

Phil let out a long exhale. Finally, he stood and moved back to the suitcase to finish zipping it. “I think I’m going to go now. I’ll get a cab to the airport. It was nice meeting you, Dan. I just… I need to think.”

“I know,” Dan whispered. “I’m really sorry.”

“Me too.”

With that, Phil turned and starting walking to the door, wheeling his luggage behind him. But upon reaching the doorway, he stopped and spun around again.

“One question,” Phil demanded. “Your mark - why’d you say it was on your bum?”

Dan looked sheepish. “I panicked,” he answered simply.

Phil waited a second for an explanation, but none came.

“Alright then,” Phil said finally, the faintest hint of a smirk visible on his features. “I’ll see you around, Dan.”

And then, Phil really did leave.

xx

It was a chilly morning in November. Dan paced the platform of the train station anxiously. The butterflies in his stomach had given up fluttering the moment the train had arrived and taken to dive-bombing his insides instead. His eyes scanned the crowd, taking in each arriving passenger as they stepped off.

It had taken Phil five days after he’d flown back to England before he’d even replied to a message, and another three after that before he’d agreed to a phone call. He’d said he needed time to think over everything, and Dan had thought that more than fair.

Now, four months and countless Skype calls later, the two were finally meeting up again. Dan spotted his friend in the crowd.

“Phil!” he cried. Dan waved an arm in the other man’s direction. Phil turned his head at the sound and broke into a grin. He pulled his backpack on and rushed over before throwing his arms around Dan and pulling him in tightly for a hug.

“Whoa,” Dan giggled, caught off guard. “What happened to ‘We’ll take it slow this time’?”

Phil shrugged. “Slow is a relative term. We’ve already slept together.”

“Platonically!” Dan argued, releasing himself. “And that was when you were convinced that fate had already given us its stamp of approval.”

“I mean, didn’t it though?” Phil asked seriously. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot the last four months. Your first words to me are tattooed on my skin. Isn’t that how this whole game works?”

“Yes but I cheated,” Dan pointed out. “I read your arm.”

Phil shrugged. “Who’s to say you weren’t destined to cheat?”

At this, Dan rolled his eyes. “Sure Phil, that’s totally how this works.”

Epilogue:

*Seven years later*

“Dan? You almost done in there? I need to shower!” Phil’s voice called from outside the bathroom door.

“I’ll be out in a minute!” Dan called back to his boyfriend. Reluctantly, he began pulling up his trousers, covering the still healing script of the freshly aquired tattoo that he’d been admiring in the full length mirror. He giggled at the recollection of himself and Phil, stumbling drunk into the parlor last week, declaring they’d had the most brilliant idea ever.

His ass now agreed. “Ja, Phil,” he giggled, “du er min.”

To read my other fics, click here!

#phanfiction #phanfic #phandom big bang #pbb2017 #phan fluff

[themarginalthinker]

Whats your favorite fandom you’ve ever been in?

Aaaah, how to answer,,,

I feel like this question is...not necessarily a trick question so to speak, but more like...a question who’s answer has a lot of parts. So I’ll try to keep it short heheh..

So, the first thing is- no fandom. No fandom is my favorite. I like and participate in them all for different reasons. Lets start with the first one I was ever heavily involved enough in to really call myself a ‘part of the fandom’: Danny Phantom 

Now, it’s kinda grown a bit of a cult following as the cartoon itself was canceled in 2007, but it was a very unique experience. Being as small as it was, the Danny Phantom fandom, or, ‘Phandom’ as we liked to call ourselves, was kinda more like an extended family. There was a sense of welcome, for the most part, and let me tell you - aside from a few, I’ve yet to see another fandom so viscerally obsessed with playing and making even more gruesome and unsettling horror tropes then this phandom. Which is fair, as it’s literally a show about how a fourteen year old kid may-or-may-not have literally died to get his superpowers. In any case, this three-season undead wonder of a show was my first fandom calling, and was so for a good four or five years. It was the first time I’d ever written fanfic, and produced art for a fandom, and it was a pretty good first experience with the fun that can come from interacting with people who liked the same things as you. 9.5/10, would join again. 

The next fandom I was involved in was, comparable to the last, a much larger and definitely much more...divided one. Well. Perhaps ‘divided’ isn’t the word I’m looking for, but there were definitely...boundaries. Mostly to do with shipping, but for other aspects as well, which sorta introduced me to the idea of ‘your kink is not my kink’ and ‘don’t like don’t read’ and ‘we are always THIS close from devolving into a steaming shitstorm of ship wars holy shit’. 

This fandom would be the Attack on Titan fandom. 

Now...let me preface this by saying I did not like this fandom when I first encountered it. My first experience with it was when it started invading my other fandoms, as crossovers, references, gifs, whatever. I was sick to death of seeing it before I even actually knew what it was. Then...I kinda...thought the memes used with it was funny. There was some....interesting character designs at least....huh. Ok so wait...giant monsters...swords...a kick-ass theme - ok, what is this. So seeing it pop up on Netflix in the anime section one day, I figured...why not. I was less involved with Danny Phantom at this point, and kinda looking for something else to entertain myself, so, off to the AoT fruity rumpus asshole factory I went. 

And didn’t once look back for four more years. The duration of my highschool fandom scene was utterly dominated by this fandom. I wrote fic, I drew fanart, I formed bonds with other people in the fandom; hell, I almost got into several arguments with people about ships once or twice. To this day, though I can’t honestly call myself really involved anymore, I still read fics from it, and will sometimes peruse some of my ship tags. To this day, Attack on Titan will have been one of the biggest influences in my life in terms of creativity and productivity. I loved it, I still love it, and I hope other people continue loving it in the future. 11/10, would recommend always. 

The third and latest major fandom I’m involved in...well. I think it needs very little introduction. Just one sentence, in fact. 

Let me tell you about Homestuck. 

Now...if you’ve been anywhere on the internet, chances are you’ve at the very least HEARD the Name ‘Homestuck’ and for good reason. While I (very nearly, a that) avoided being sucked into Homestuck proper during it’s heyday - around 2012-13 - it DID stick in my mind for a while. The reason? It. IS. EVERYWHERE. THERE ARE LITERALLY SONG LYRICS STATING ‘YOU CAN’T FIGHT THE HOMESTUCK’ AND THEY AREN’T HYPERBOLE, GUYS. That in itself should explain this fandom pretty well, if nothing else. 

When I was young an naive, I’d asked a friend who was something of a closeted Homestuckian veteran about whether or not I should read it, as all I knew about it was that it was a webcomic and that it was supposedly a really long, weird, batshit one. They told me to run. Run away, and don’t look back. I didn’t listen, and here we are with me ass-first in the middle of act 6 - the longest act - of Homestuck and completely gone on it. There’s a video describing another poor soul’s decent into madness with this comic, with the lines ‘it’s like if Satan had written a webcomic’ and again, not hyperbole... 

I can confidently state that Homestuck is the most varied and wide-spread out of any of the fandom/canon experiences I’ve had so far. Despite it being literally just one storyline, one comic, one(?) metaverse, it still manages to feel like a whole industry of itself, similar to the feeling of the Marvel or DC extended universes. Makes sense, as the comic proper has literally over 8,000 pages claiming and holding a title as one of the longest pieces of english literature written to date. Let me make this as perfectly clear to you as I can - One you’re in, you don’t get out. There are people in this fandom who’ve been in it since the damn thing fucking started in 2009, and haven’t waned in their fandom activity, producing fic, music, art, games, zines, whatever else have you. 

Homestuck is...kinda impossible to describe, really. I think that the author him self honestly said it best when summarizing: “It’s about some kids who play a game.” And honestly? That’s good enough for me. 

Homestuck: 413/10. Good fandom. Best read. 

Well. I think I’ve said plenty. Sorry about the length anon...  ._.”