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emerald-chaos · 3 years

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Insomnia

*gif not made by me, credit goes to the owner*

Hi Everyone! So it's been probably like...10 years since I wrote my last fic lol. Watching TFATWS has rekindled my undying love for Bucky Barnes and I just couldn't help but start writing again. I had to get my feelings out! I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've been considering writing some more parts...so tell me if that's something you'd be interested in! I appreciate any and all constructive feedback or just feedback in general! Much love.

Pairing: Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 2533 (lowkey popped off...oops)

Warnings: Just in case...vague allusions to a dark past, struggles with mental illness, explicit language, and some suggestive conversation. Oh and some really bad jokes lol. Fluffy and angsty.

No matter how much you tossed and turned, how many sheep you counted, or how much you prayed and pleaded to any higher power that would listen – the release of sleep just wasn’t going to happen. You’re not sure why you were surprised, it’s not like this was the first time. You let out a heavy sigh and toss off the covers. This has been a nightly occurrence for as long as you can remember. When you were trying to rest, when there was no noise to block out the images in your head, it was a battle. A battle which you have always lost.

You flip on the bright florescent lights of the bathroom as you trudge in, dragging your feet in exhaustion. It takes a minute for your eyes to adjust to the harshness of the light as you place your hands onto the countertop. The cool marble feels good against your palms as you close your eyes and lean your head back, another sigh leaving your lips. You twist your neck from side to side, trying to release some tension and maybe get a satisfying pop. No such luck. As you open your eyes and gaze upon the person staring back at you a small laugh tumbles from your chest.

Jesus, she looks awful.

The dark circles that permanently reside below your eyes appear more pronounced than usual. The corners of your mouth hang low and you just look…tired. Like you were rode hard and put away wet.

The bottle of melatonin tucked away on your counter catches your eye. You pick it up and twirl it as you inspect the writing. “Sleep Support” you read, “may help promote restful sleep”. What a load of shit. You place the bottle back down and inspect the orange one next to it. The pills inside were about as useful as the melatonin. Nothing seemed to quiet the voices or stop the scenarios that plagued your mind. You splash some cold water on your face and grab for a towel to pat it dry. Your eyes drift to the mirror again, as if though the water was going to wash away the dead look in your eyes.

Yeah, fat chance.

Before you know it, your legs are carrying you through the compound. The only sounds present are the whirring of various appliances and the soft patter of your feet against the tile floors. The moonlight casts shadows over the various pieces of furniture and lights your path. Your fingers curl around the handle as you pull the sliding glass door open. The crisp outside air kisses your skin as you step out and close the door behind you. You find yourself settling down in your usual spot on the balcony and you sink into the comfort of the chair.

Many a sleepless night has been spent out here, admiring the way the moonlight gleams off of a nearby pond. Before the compound and the balcony, it was a fire escape and a bottle of bourbon. You kind of missed that coping mechanism a little bit. You were thankful, of course, to call this place your home. Thankful to feel safe for once. Thankful to be a part of a team that felt like more of a family than any sorry piece of shit who had been in your life before. Not that you were bitter about that or anything. A little baggage builds character. However, life hasn’t always been kind to you and your stupid brain had a cruel way of constantly reminding you of that fact.

In all honesty, Tony rescued you. You absolutely hated to allow him to relish in that fact, but it was true. He took a chance on a royally fucked up kid out of college who managed to skate by and earn a mechanical engineering degree. If you were to ask him, he would say it was because the first words you said to him were fuck off. Apparently, something about that translated to, “hey, I would be a great addition to your tech and development team”. Although, you were pretty sure you just really meant that he should fuck off. I mean, the guy’s reputation does have a bit of moral gray area to it. Somehow, some way, your tenacity made an impression on the billionaire. Now here you were - living at the Avenger’s compound, sitting on a balcony at 3:30 in the morning because you couldn’t turn your brain off long enough to find some peace and sleep. What a life.

Even as you were sitting here in your special spot, reminiscing about some actual good memories – your brain still tried to drift into the darkness. Glass breaking; voices, thick with hate, engaged in a screaming match, and the cold nights spent trying to find a safe space to eat and lay your head. Your fingers gripped into the arms of the chair as you felt the heaviness in your chest increase.

“God damn it,” you cursed through gritted teeth.

The panic attacks were a second nature at this point, but you still really hated when you lost control. Your eyes closed tight as you tried to rack your brain to remember the bullshit your therapist had told you earlier in the week. Something about 5 things you can see?

“We gotta stop meeting like this, Doll”

The voice ripped you from inside your mind and back to reality. Your eyes opened and were met with a beautiful pair of cerulean ones. You blamed the skip in your heartbeat on your fading panic attack - although, you knew better than that.

“Well, it seems to me that the only logical conclusion is that you’re stalking me, Barnes” you quipped as a grin spread across your face.

“Could say the same about you,” Bucky retorted as he sank into the chair beside you, “besides, been doin’ this a lot longer than you’ve been around”.

You rolled your eyes, but the super soldier had a point. Almost each and every time, aside from the ones that happened when the team was away, you two would meet like this – here on the balcony, both searching for something to replace the sleep that neither of you could find.

“Yeah, we get it, you’re old” a laugh fell from your lips as Bucky snorted at your remark, a grin remaining ever present on his lips.

The familiar silence took over as he leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes. Meanwhile, yours were hungrily taking him in - tracing over the stubble on his chin, the soft pinkness of his parted lips. Recently he’d gotten his hair cut and even though you much preferred the long hair, you would rather die than actually admit that to him. Your crush on the 106 year old grumpy ass was one of your best kept secrets. At least, you thought you’d kept it from being painfully obvious.

The man sitting before you, he had a tough exterior and a horrific history, but you knew him better than that. You knew about the way his nose scrunched up when you made him laugh and the way his eyes looked as he listened intently to every story you ever told him. You knew the sweet melody of his laugh and the far off stare that meant he was also held captive by his own thoughts. This late-night rendezvous had become somewhat of a routine for the two of you and you would be lying if you said it wasn’t your favorite part of the day.

The first time it was a short nod and typical white person, thin-lipped smile as you left to find a different spot to suffer alone. Shortly after, it developed into cohabiting the balcony – staying on your own separate sides of course, only occasionally sharing words. Then, before you knew it, the two of you would be sitting beside each other, shooting the shit like you’d known each other for years. Just two, incredibly fucked up individuals, trying to make each other feel a little more human.

Bucky had always given off the quiet, brooding energy. Typically he kept to himself, other than with close friends like Steve, choosing to stand in the corner and listen to the conversation rather than be a part of it. Occasionally he would give a quip during a meeting that would catch people off guard, but mostly he just sat there and stared. The Bucky you had come to know was nothing like the person that others wanted to make him out to be. Sure, at one point he was a masterful assassin who killed like he got pleasure from it – but that wasn’t him. The Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes were not synonymous.

If only the world could meet Bucky at 3am.

“What’s going on in that empty head of yours over there?” Bucky’s voice once again brought you back to reality as you laid your eyes on the familiar grin plastered across his face.

“Please,” you huffed, cheeks tinted a light shade of pink at the thought of him catching you staring, “which one of us has a college degree again?”

His laugh was a symphony to your ears. Your smile mirrored his when he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at you.

“So, what is it tonight? That nightmare again?” he asked, voice dropping an octave as his facial features softened in a way you really hoped only you got to see.

“Mm, not quite” you responded, your voice a broken whisper.

Bucky wasn’t the type to pry, but with you he wouldn’t even have to. Talking to him, sharing your deepest secrets and fears, telling him about the nightmares that kept you awake at night – it all came easily. Too easily.

“This week it’s...it’s that image of my stupid mother. Standing there with her black eyes and busted lip, telling me that it was me that was the problem. That it was me who...” you swallowed hard, the heaviness creeping back into your chest and tears fighting to wet your eyes. God you hated that you let this get the best of you.

Just as your mind started to bring you back to that dark place it was interrupted by the feeling of warmth spreading over your body. You looked down to see Bucky’s large hand resting right above your knee. When your eyes met again, he gave you a soft look that made your heart scream.

“I’m sorry,” you could tell he meant it as he gave your knee a soft squeeze.

A small smile flashed over your face and you had to resist the urge to reach out and cup his soft, stubbled cheek in your hand.

“Hey, we’re all a little fucked up, right?” you joked.

“Some more than others,” he replied, those beautiful wrinkles appearing around his nose as he scrunched it up with another laugh.

“Thanks, Buck... I’m sure you’d rather be doing anything other than listening to my sob story,” you reluctantly broke eye contact and looked down at the hem of your shirt as you fiddled with it in your fingers.

You were all too aware at the loss of contact as Bucky drew his hand back and leaned back into his chair.

“Doll,” he started as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes again - you could swear you almost saw a grin on his lips, “there are very few things I’d rather do than sit with you on the balcony at 3am”.

At that moment it felt as though time stood still. Sure, you had flirtatious banter back and forth occasionally and made a habit out of spilling your deepest regrets to each other during the wee hours of the morning, but this felt different. This felt like a confession.

You’d be lying to yourself if you tried to convince yourself, or anyone else for that matter, that you didn’t have a thing for him. I mean - who wouldn’t? The guy was a gentleman; he was soft spoken and caring, he was a dork who loved to crack jokes at the most inappropriate times, the type of person who would give you the shirt off of his own back if it meant you were taken care of.

He....well, he was Bucky.

And god damn it if you didn’t love him.

You’re unsure of how much time has passed, but one minute you’re sitting on your chair, chewing your lip and droning on about the man in front of you in your head. The next minute you found yourself on his lap, knees seated on either side of his waist as your legs straddle him and your hands connect with the skin they so desperately craved to feel. Bucky’s eyes opened slowly and met yours as you let the pad of your thumb gently run along the curve of his bottom lip. The uneven breaths leaving your chest hitched as you felt his hands grip your hips softly. Refusing to break eye contact, Bucky gently pressed a kiss to the pad of your thumb. You dragged his lower lip down briefly.

“Well,” he began. His voice was barely above a whisper but it’s thick, lustful tone made you shiver from head to...well, you know, “are you gonna kiss me, Doll? Or do I have to do all the work myself?”

He barely finished his sentence before your lips captured his. It was messy, almost all teeth and tongue. It was needy, as if it was the last time either of you would ever kiss anyone again. It was fucking incredible.

Bucky’s metal arm snaked up your back and found its way into your hair, curling his fingers gently around the strands at the back of your head, as his other arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you closer to his form. He was intoxicating. This whole situation was something you had briefly imagined months ago, but ultimately pushed out of your mind. There was no way that he would ever be interested in someone like you. Yet, here he was, tongue fighting for entrance into your mouth.

You aren’t quite sure who pulled away first. Both of you were gasping for air, chests heaving up and down as you both stared into each other's lust-blown pupils.

“You kiss pretty well for someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend since 1940,” you teased, laughing as he rolls his eyes at the comment.

“You just don’t know when to shut that mouth of yours, do ya?” he practically growled, ever so slightly tightening his grip on your waist, and you almost lost it from just the sound of his voice alone.

“Why don’t you make me, Barnes?” you leaned in close, warm breath fanning over the shell of his ear.

A yelp escaped your throat as you were suddenly jerked up to a standing position, locking your ankles behind his back as he effortlessly held you up by your thighs.

“Oh Doll,” he chuckled darkly into your neck, almost making you pass out from the sensation, “I thought you’d never ask”.

#eeek #i hope you all like this #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fic #bucky x you #bucky barnes x female reader #sebastian stan character #sebastian stan #James Buchanan Barnes #James Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst

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averyonelovesjack · 3 years

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learning to raise a baby ~ daniel seavey

requested: yes:)

Can you please do an cute imagine about y/n and Daniel having a baby together and taking care of the baby and figuring the parenting stuff out together. Ur amazing

summary: follow a few different events in the life of daniel and y/n learning to raise a baby.

warning(s): baby, literally too lazy to edit this i’ll come back later lmao

word count: 2608

author’s note: i have such baby fever omg

disclaimer: i def need to clarify that i am 18 years old and do not have a baby and i have no close friends with babies (in person, at least) therefore this is purely fiction. i watch a LOT (i mean A LOT) of family vloggers and like teen mom accounts raising their kids, so basically all of my knowledge comes from that. i hope no one takes offence to my depiction of it, but my intention is purely just to write this cute fic idea, and i don’t want to pretend like i know anything about parenting or raising a child or anything like that!! okay that’s all!!

I could barely see my feet as I painfully took in another breath of air and started walking forward. Awoken at 3am with terrible back pain and a pool of amniotic fluid at my waist, Daniel and I now rushed to grab our hospital bag and make our way to the labor and delivery section of our nearest hospital.

everything went so fast. before i was actively having a child, it felt like my pregnancy would never end, but now that it’s actually happening and i’m having a child, it felt like pregnancy flew by.

just a few days ago, i was sitting on the countertop in my bathroom, impatiently waiting to see if i was pregnant or not in hopes that daniel wouldn’t get home from the studio early and find me. i had just given daniel the surprise of his lifetime when i woke him up at four am to tell him i was pregnant because i just couldn’t keep it from him anymore to do a fun reveal. i remember how we both cried, too excited to even go back to sleep.

just a few days ago, daniel and i were sitting in my obstetrician’s office as we got to hear our eight week old fetus’ heartbeat for the first time. we both cried. it feels like just a day or two ago we cut into a pink colored cake and found out that our precious baby girl would be coming. all of the breakdowns about what stroller to buy and which crib matches the nursey best felt like just moments ago. and now, all of a sudden, i’m ten hours into labor and i’m ready to push.

pushing was painful, but the thought of holding a sweet babygirl soon just kept me going. daniel squeezed my hand tight, standing by the end of the bed watching our beautiful daughter make her way into the world.

i gave the final push and soon i heard a cry that made everything in the whole world worth it. they say you never truly understand love until you’ve had a child, and as soon as i held our daughter, i felt an overwhelming sense of truth in that statement. i never knew such a distinct moment could be the greatest day of my life, but as soon as i laid my eyes on her, i knew that i would never get a day greater than this one.

our daughter laid on my chest for a while as daniel sat by my head, holding both my hand and hers. eventually, the nurses cleaned her off a bit and wrapped her tightly in a swaddle for daniel to finally hold his daughter. i watched the tears fall from his bluer than ever eyes that never left her little face. by the way she settled in his arms and fell asleep, i knew i was going to have a daddy’s little girl on our hands.

it felt like forever, just watching daniel and our baby getting to know each other. soon enough, though, the doctors finished with the stitches and i heard a knock at the door.

within seconds, both of our parents came into the room, bearing wide smiles. daniel sat in the seat next to me, both of us staring at the beautiful baby in front of us.

“does she have a name?” keri asks, slowly walking up to the two of us, careful not to be too loud.

daniel and i look at each other, and then i give him the nod to tell everyone. “callista avery mae seavey.”

“our little baby callie.” i smile at the name. daniel and i both loved the name callie, but wanted it to be a nickname. avery was after his bandmate who really helped us through this whole preparing to be parents thing. mae was a pretty nickname from my side of the family that was good to separate avery and seavey. our little callie mae.

***

it was three am and both of us were awake to callie’s loud screaming. turns out that daniel and i had a very colicky daughter who, when awake, wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. daniel was in the nursery trying to grab more diapers and wipes that, out of exhaustion, we forgot to restock last night when we ran out. i held callie in our arms, rocking her gently and trying to get her to go back to sleep.

“does she have a dirty diaper?” daniel asks, placing the diapers in the corner of our messy bedroom. a few days into callie’s life, we realized we should’ve left the changing table in our bedroom until she was ready to sleep in the nursey, but both of us were too tired to even think about moving the furniture around. so for now the corner of the room was storage and a changing pad on the bench was our late night changing table.

“i don’t think so.” i answer, giving him an exhausted look. “her diaper isn’t heavy and i tried to feed her, but she doesn’t seem to be hungry. i think she just woke up and is being colicky again.”

“how long did the doctor say the colic will last?” daniel asks.

“she didn’t.” i sigh, going to take a seat on our bed as i continued to calm callie. daniel sat beside me. “go back to sleep, i got her.”

“no, i know you’ve been awake all night. try to go to sleep, i’ve got her.” daniel says, and then takes callie from me. “did you take melatonin tonight?”

“yeah.” i say. “i know your body goes through a lot of changes postpartum, but i’m really not liking the insomnia.”

“okay, well, you lay down, and i’m gonna sing to you both, okay?” daniel says and then starts to rock callie to sleep as i laid beside them. and then he started to sing softly.

***

callie was born a little over three months ago and daniel and i haven’t had a date night since then. when we fearfully realized that last week, jack and anna were both quick to offer some help. we hadn’t felt comfortable leaving callie yet, especially since she wasn’t always the easiest. we had lots of help and people offering, but neither daniel nor i were good at asking for help. that’s definitely something we’re both still working on, especially now that we have a baby.

finally though, jack and anna convinced us. originally, we were going to leave them with daniel’s parents, but anna and jack were pretty convincing. jack had lots of experience since he himself is a dad, and anna was very close with gabbie when she had lavender. jack also decided to invite zach for some more company, which was cute.

daniel and i had a hard time saying goodbye to callie, even though we really were only going to be out for two hours at most. we knew neither of us could stay away for that long.

the restaurant wasn’t too far from the house, which was nice because it cut down on our time away from callie. i think both of us were a little nervous to leave her. we both know that she’s three months old and other people are more than capable of watching her for a few hours, but it’s still hard to not be worried about all of the things we could be missing out on.

“oh my gosh, anna just sent a picture of callie.” daniel says in the middle of our dinner, holding up his phone to show up me the picture of our daughter in the adorable pajamas her aunt bought.

“i miss her.” i admit, knowing he was feeling similarly. “do you think they had a hard time getting her to sleep? i hope she’ll be good for them tonight.”

“i’m sure she was fine.” daniel says, then later . “you know, maybe we should skip dessert. relieve them a little early.”

“she’s growing up so fast.” i tell him. “i’m not ready for her to keep growing.”

“we’re gonna blink and she’s gonna be cursing us out because we wouldn’t let her go out with her friends.” daniel continues. “not that we would do that, because honestly, i’ve always thought we’d be a little cooler than that.”

i laugh at his comment. “oh, we’ll definitely be cooler than that. we’re not gonna be the lame strict parents that doesn’t let their kids go out with their friends.”

“oh definitely.” daniel agrees. “except i will be strict about doors open if someone is over. i don’t care who she’s in her room with, but that door better be open. i am taking no chances.”

“i feel like that’s fair.” i add. “i know we’re parents, but wow, until i think about that future, i kind of forget.”

“i’m very glad that’s a long ways away.” he comments. “i’m barely ready for her to be three months old, we do not need to get ahead of ourselves. take this parenting thing one step at a time.”

“i could not agree more.” i smile, leaning over the table to kiss daniel’s lips gently.

***

i walked out of my one year old’s nursery with her in my arms. we watched as daniel and anna hung balloons up around our california apartment. it’s just about an hour before callie’s first birthday party, and now more than ever, i could not be more grateful for daniel’s family’s offer to help us set up.

rather than fighting with figuring out food for the party, we decided to get it catered. christian and tyler offered to go pick up the food at the restaurant for us, which was extremely helpful. his parents were setting up some decorations around the front of the apartment.

i had just put callie in her adorable dress that i specifically picked out for this party. we weren’t the type to throw parties, so we weren’t 100% sure what to do or what to expect, but we decided to just stick to family and close friends. callie was too young for us to strictly invite her friends over. at this stage in her life, her friends were whoever was at mommy&me that week.

the party was going to be small. daniel’s family, my family, daniel’s bandmates and close friends, and then my close friends.

thankfully, we finished decorating and setting up with about thirty minutes left to spare before the party. rather than worry, i decided to just sit on the couch with anna and daniel. keri took callie from me, wanting to spend some time with her granddaughter, and giving daniel and i a brief break before the party started.

“i cannot believe she’s a year old.” anna exclaims to me. “you guys have been parents for a year. that’s crazy to think about.”

“it’s definitely a little bit weird.” i giggle in response.

“you guys make it look so easy, being young parents.” anna says. “i know i’m younger than you guys, but still, i cannot imagine having a kid anytime soon.”

“i didn’t think i would either.” i tell anna. “for me, i wasn’t really ready until i met dani. i realized that i was ready because i wanted to do this with him. it’s different for everyone, i’m sure, but at least personally, that’s how i knew we could be parents.”

daniel wraps his arm around me on the couch, kissing my cheek softly. “yeah, it’s the same for me. when you find someone you want to do everything with, it gets easier to imagine yourself parenting together.”

“that is really cute.” anna says. “this is what i mean, when i say you make it look easy!!”

“it’s definitely not easy.” i laugh. “but it’s a little bit easier when you work as a team. we talk things through and decide together, instead of just making decisions separately. it’s a lot easier to feel like you’re making the right decision when you talk things through.”

“and that is all the parenting advice you get, because while i am most definitely ready to be a dad, i am not ready to be an uncle.” daniel says, getting protective over his younger sister.

“being an uncle is way easier than being a dad.” anna laughs. “but trust me, i’m not having kids any time soon. at least not intentionally.”

“well, i have to be the cool uncle. someone’s gotta bail the kid out of jail and hide it from you.” daniel jokes.

“first of all, why would my kid go to jail??” anna asks. “and second of all, you might’ve been first in the race for cool uncle before callie arrived, but since becoming a dad, you’ve fallen behind. the cool uncle can’t have kids, that’s not how that works.”

“well i’ll break that standard, because i’ll be the cool uncle.”

“i just want to be the aunt that gives good advice at one o’clock in the morning.” i tell them. “someone’s gotta do it. i expect that for callie, anna, so i will do that for your kids.”

“oh, of course. nothing but the best for callie. and future kids.” anna agrees. “speaking of, future kids? any thoughts on that? mom wants me to scope that out.”

“eventually.” i smile. “sooner rather than later.”

***

daniel took callie on a walk. he’s been really adamant about spending at least thirty minutes a day on a walk with her. now that she’s getting a lot more balance and ability to take a lot more steps, he loves taking her to the playground a few blocks from our apartment. usually, i like to go with them, but today i made up an excuse about things i had to get done at home.

i felt especially grateful for that routine of his today, because i needed a few minutes to myself. i’ve been feeling particularly nauseated recently, and as soon as i woke up the other day, i could feel that i was pregnant again. in the past, i had always thought that when i was paranoid about being late, but now that i’ve actually experienced pregnancy, i can feel that there’s a little fetus inside of me.

daniel and i haven’t exactly been trying, but we haven’t been taking as many precautions as we were when callie was first born. now that she’s over a year old, we feel better about having another baby. we weren’t too rushed, because we lot spending time with just our little girl, but we didn’t want to wait too long and have her grow up without a sibling. having a sibling was always a priority of daniel and i’s. seeing as we both grew up with siblings, we know how important it is to have a sibling.

my stomach fluttered with butterflies as i followed the instructions on the pregnancy test. after realizing i was pregnant with callie, i had bought a ton of tests that i didn’t end up using because it was so obvious that i was indeed pregnant. that was extremely helpful for right now when i don’t have time to go sit in traffic for thirty minutes just to go to the pharmacy.

i sat on top of the counter, leaving the pregnancy test face down while i tried to scroll through tiktok and distract myself. it was probably the slowest five minutes of my life, other than finding out about callie.

the timer went off on my phone. i take a deep breath and carefully lift the pregnancy test off the marble bathroom counter.

pregnant.

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twink-appreciation-posts · 4 years

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Strange Thoughts - Spencer Reid x Reader

chapter four of “all bets are off”

sexual tension featuring lowkey fluff. also maybe a bit nsfw but we’ve come to expect that.

Many thoughts. Brain full.

That’s where you were mentally as you finished the drive to your apartment in complete and utter silence. Wait. The drive to your…? Fuck.

“Did you not wanna remind me that I totally missed your exit?”

Just your luck, your mind was racing so much that you drove straight home instinctively, totally forgetting to drop Spencer off at the BAU to get his own car so he could get to his place. The inconveniences just kept coming, didn’t they?

Spencer didn’t reply. You turned your head to examine him. He was clearly deep in thought too. You couldn’t blame him, you guessed, being lost in thought was the reason you had forgotten to drop him off in the first place.

“Spencer.” You exhaled deeply.

You watched him shake his head a bit, bringing himself back to reality. He looked at you for a moment, and then out of the windshield. “We’re at your-“

“I know. I was a bit distracted. I was just kind of… driving without thinking.” Fuck. What were you supposed to do now?

“That sounds pretty dangerous. Did you know that there are around 33,654 fatal motor vehicle crashes a year?” Ah, there he was. Good ol’ Spencer.

“Well, we made it here alive. It’s just… the wrong here. I’ll turn around.” You stuck the key into the ignition again, exhausted. Not only had you just uh.. well, for lack of better phrasing, cum harder than you had in years, but you were on your way back from a full day of work that included dancing on a bar. And it was almost 3am. You were beyond tired.

“No, it’s okay,” Spencer said. Your heart stopped. Did he wanna stay at your place?

“I can drive. You’ve been driving all night.” Oh. Right. That was probably for the best. You nodded wordlessly, getting out of the car and walking over to the passenger's side. You looked at him. Back at your apartment complex. Back at him again.

“Spencer, you can stay overnight if you want.” You eventually explained, against your better judgment. “It’s already late, I think we… we both just want to shower and head to bed. I can take the couch.” Ah yes, sleeping in the same bed would be far too unprofessional. And you didn’t like blurring the lines like that. Of course.

“Are you sure, y/n?” He questioned. “I mean, I agree we’re both tired, but I don’t want you sleeping on the couch in your own apartment.”

“You’re gonna act shy now, Reid? It’s just one night and it’s the best option. It’s not like we’re gonna do anything unprofessional. We’re both too smart for that.” You winced at your own words. It was an attempt at a joke… but you realized it was far too soon to joke about it.

He must’ve noticed your discomfort because he spoke more seriously. “Are you absolutely sure you’re okay with me staying over? I don’t want to impose or make you uncomfortable.”

“Spence. Really. It’s fine.”

So, you walked upstairs together. After unlocking the door to your apartment you tossed your keys to the side, flopping unceremoniously onto your couch. “Do you wanna use the shower?” You mumbled in Spencer’s general direction.

“That’s probably a good idea, yeah.” He nodded. You pointed him towards the bathroom, already feeling yourself doze off.

“Wake me up when you get out, please. I wanna use it too.”

A bit later you were being gently shaken awake. You blinked your eyes open. Standing over you was Spencer, of course, his hair dripping wet. Your eyes wandered. Oh. And not wearing a shirt. Made sense. He didn’t have any clothes here, did he? You glanced lower, relieved to see a towel wrapped around his waist. “Are you sure you want to be woken up?” He whispered. You wiped the grogginess from your eyes, mumbled a quiet “yes,” and attempted to sit up.

He wrapped an arm around you gently, assisting you, and you inhaled deeply. Hm. He smelled good. “What are you gonna wear to bed?” You asked him, half-listening.

“Yeah, that’s kind of a problem. I mean, I can just wear the pants from earlier I guess..”

“I probably have an old oversized shirt or something in my closet. Feel free to look.” You gave him a tired smile before slipping into the bathroom to take a shower of your own. When you walked into your bedroom after your shower, you noticed Reid wasn’t there. A bit further into the room and you saw him, sitting on the floor of your closet, an old high school yearbook of yours in hand. You chuckled. “Doing some reading?”

He looked up at you, smiling. “You look so similar, yet so different at the same time.”

You walked over to him, taking a seat as well, and laughed at the image he was looking at.

“Sorry if you didn’t want me to look at this. I just saw it while I was looking for a shirt.”

“It’s okay. I’m the one who gave you free access to my closet.”

His hair wasn’t nearly as wet now, having had time to air-dry. It was fluffy. You toyed with it absentmindedly as he flipped through the pages. You were sure it was a combination of the exhaustion, the leftover hormones from earlier events, something like that. You were sure that was the reason you were having so many strange thoughts about Spencer Reid. Why you were silently wishing he wouldn’t get up and you could just stay there, leaning against him, playing with his hair. Your train of thought was broken by him letting out a quiet yawn, and you stared at him, in awe. Truly, how hadn’t you noticed him like this before? “You seemed pretty tired earlier,” he spoke, eyes not leaving the book in his hand. “We should get some sleep.”

No. No. No.

“Yeah. You’re right.”

You both stood up. Spencer argued with you for a few minutes about how he should be the one to sleep on the couch, but you won out in the end, wishing him a goodnight before retreating into your living room.

Minutes or hours could have passed. You weren’t sure. You were still exhausted. So why, you asked yourself, couldn’t you sleep? Memories from only a few hours ago played in your head. His hands. His lips. His…

Oh. Your hand was working it’s way down your body now, almost like it had a mind of it’s own. You found yourself pressing your thighs together, a familiar heat beginning to crawl up your skin. You tried to fight it at first, but maybe this was just what you needed to fall asleep, right? Who hadn’t gotten themselves off before bed a few times? It was stress relief. You focused on remembering the details of your encounter with Spencer, breathing becoming heavy. You thought about how close he was now. Just a few steps away. Why did that that turn you on more? The thought of him hearing or seeing you filled you with a rush of adrenaline.

“Uh, y/n? You still awake?”

Fuck. Never mind. Your heart dropped into your stomach. Getting caught was not exciting.

“Y-Yeah. What’s up, Spencer?” You stuttered out. It had been dark and you were being pretty quiet, you reassured yourself. There was no way he knew.

“I was just gonna get some water. I haven’t been able to sleep either.” He said simply.

You were sure he hadn’t heard you, then. There was no indication in his voice or attitude that he had.

“Do you mind if I turn the lights on? I can’t see and I’m not familiar enough with your apartment layout.” He continued.

“Not at all.”

He grabbed himself a glass of water, offering you one as well. When he was finished, he turned the lights off again, ready to retreat back to the bedroom.

You hesitated a moment before piping up. "Hey, Spencer, if you can't sleep, I have something that might help."

"Oh, really?" His voice shifted a bit. Deeper. Curious.

"Yeah, I have melatonin gummies on my bedside table."

Silence. Too much silence. Why wasn't he saying anything?

After what felt like forever, he replied, something strange about his voice. "I guess I'll take one. Thanks. Goodnight."

"No problem. Goodnight."

taglist <3

@101donuts @annestine

#all bets are off #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid smut #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you

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cloudshapedpatch · 3 years

Text

sing me a lullaby (don’t tell your boss what to do)

a super indulgent, tooth-rotting fluffy Julie and the Phantoms one shot.

julie can’t sleep so she goes to her boys for comfort. no plot. just sugar.

or! read on ao3 here

* * * *

Some nights, Julie could sleep like a rock. The band had found she was a surprisingly heavy sleeper, and could fall into a deep REM cycle within minutes. She was notorious for being able to fall asleep anywhere if she was tired enough.

Tonight was not one of those nights.

After many hours of tossing and turning, 3 relaxing YouTube videos and maybe a few too many melatonin gummies, Julie gave up on sleep.

Her go-to solution to any problem nowadays was to see her boys, so without much thought, she slipped into her favorite funky monster slippers and made her way out the front door.

The cold night air slapped her cheeks with a little alertness, and a little sense. If she went out to the studio, she was sure to stay up all night. Alas, it was still 2 in the morning, and her better judgement had set with the sun. She didn’t have anything really important to do tomorrow, right?

She opened one of the studio doors and squinted against the lights, too bright in contrast to the darkness of the house.

“Jules! What are you doing up?” Reggie was the first to notice her arrival, standing up to guide her to the couch (giving up his own seat and opting to sit on the floor in front of her; she failed to notice in her fatigued state).

“Couldn’t sleep,” Julie mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

“Jeez, you’re shivering,” Luke was always quick to worry about her, “Why didn’t you grab a coat?”

Alex had already taken off his pink sweatshirt and laid it in her lap before she could answer. As she slipped it on, she noted that while it was not warm like a living teen boy’s sweater should be, it was still warmer than she was expecting, and she was glad to have a little bit of extra heat.

After having taken a couple of moments to recover from being outside (she’d admit, it was colder than she was expecting), she went to answer the boys’ questions, but giggled at the sight of them. Alex and Reggie had sat themselves down right at her feet and Luke was seated on the armchair next to her, all looking like curious puppies waiting for a treat.

“Well??” They said at the same time, only filling Julie with more mirth.

“Nothing, I just knew coming in here would make me feel better.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she should have changed her wording. Luke stood up and was demanding she tell him who hurt her feelings, Reggie had attached himself to her legs, resting his cheek on her bare knees comfortingly, and Alex was halfway out the door, saying he’d figure out how to make a cup of tea.

A fit of giggles later, Julie explained she just couldn’t sleep and was doing fine emotionally. It was only after the boys had sat back down that Julie asked what they had been doing before.

“Just a little bit of lyric writing. Can’t play with the melody until everyone leaves for the day tomorrow, but it works for us.” Luke shrugged, looking toward his abandoned notebook on the piano.

“Ooh, let me help!”

“Uhh…” Reg and Alex said together, in their usual harmonised way, looking anywhere but at her.

“Look, Julie,” Luke started, and she already knew what he was gonna say, “You got school in the morning. You shouldn’t be writing.”

“No no no, it’s fine! Writing will tire my brain out, you know?” They didn’t look convinced, so she continued, “My thoughts are running a mile a minute, let me get ‘em out on paper. Please?”

All three boys looked away from her then, mumbling about how difficult it was to say no when she pouted. Finally they gave in, and they led her to the piano to pore over the notebook.

Of course, they only got a few lines down before Reggie was throwing wads of paper at Alex, and Julie played Never Gonna Give You Up as softly as she could while simultaneously keeping her laughter down (the boys were fascinated that she knew the song since it had come out when they were young, which prompted a short lesson on memes and Rick Rolling. Reggie was especially enthralled by this).

Luke gave up writing and went to the dart board, where Julie had hopped off the piano bench and challenged him. Not being one to back down, he and Julie played while Reg and Alex cheered them on. Alex humored her while Reggie was convinced no one could beat Luke at darts. He was right, but Julie didn’t mind so much, especially after Julie got to over-exaggerate her pity party and receive a nice long hug from her opponent, sharing an amused look with Alex while Luke rocked them back and forth.

“I could go for some nachos right now.”

“You always want nachos, Reg.”

“Again, Reginald?”

It took Julie a moment to think through his statement (hey, it was past 3am, she had brain fog to wade through). Ever since the night they opened at the Orpheum, the boys found they could do other small things besides touch Julie, like eat, and much to Reggie's delight, take showers.

She just giggled and grabbed Reggie by the hand, starting the short trek to the house, knowing the other two would follow. For a moment, she had forgotten what she was wearing, but stepping back into the cold night reminded her. She had walked out of the house wearing her pajama shorts and a short-sleeved crop top, and she was drowning in Alex’s hoodie. Her face heated at the thought of all the boys seeing her in nearly nothing but the large pink sweatshirt, playing off the color in her cheeks as windchill.

But she should have known the boys wouldn't have behaved.

Because while nothing the boys said would be able to be heard by her father or brother, the results of their actions were definitely audible. Alex was trying to heat the queso, but he spent too much effort trying not to drop the jar that he forgot about the spoon, which clattered loudly to the ground. All four froze in terror until Luke burst into laughter because some cheese had splattered into Julie’s hair, and she replied by smudging some cheese onto his nose. And after the ensuing cheese-throwing war, the kitchen was not a pretty sight. The mere thought of her dad coming down to see his daughter covered in cheese, alone, in the middle of the night, in their equally messy kitchen brought shivers. She’d surely be back to seeing Dr. Turner three days a week.

The boys did their best to clean, but mostly entertained Julie while she wiped up the mess and carried the plate of nachos back to the studio (how long does it take a band of three dead teen boys to make a plate of nachos? apparently, 38 minutes) before they flopped on the ground in a big pile. Julie laid with her head on Luke’s chest, who had his head on Alex’s lap. Reggie laid on Julie’s legs and she ran her hands through his surprisingly soft hair as they slowly worked through the plate.

“Hey Julie? Will you sing me a lullaby?”

“Are you serious?” Julie turned her head slightly to see him more clearly. She almost laughed, but then saw the look in his eyes, and couldn’t tell if he was serious or about to tease her. “Luke, you guys don’t even sleep.”

“Aw, c’mon Jules,” Reg begged, “You have such a nice voice.”

“The voice of an angel.” Luke added. Julie pushed all thoughts of the song she never let herself write down, yet constantly played in her dreams, and hoped that they couldn’t see the flush creeping down her neck.

“Fine. But only because I love y’all.”

Alex wiggled excitedly from under her as she cleared her throat and started to sing A Thousand Years (Julie was sort of glad they had died 25 years ago. She would virtually never run out of new material to impress them with, and Christina Perri was a classic). At some point Alex had laid down too, and Reggie had closed his eyes as Julie kept scratching his scalp as she sang. Luke ran his fingers over her shoulder as if he were strumming his guitar. And everything was alright.

A large yawn took over Julie’s voice just as she finished the song.

“Alright, time for bed, little miss.” Alex joked, poking her tongue as her mouth opened in another yawn.

She swatted his hand away yet made no effort to get up, instead choosing to nestle further into Luke’s neck. “Sorry, can’t, Reggie fell asleep on me.”

Reggie cracked one eye open. “Nice try. We don’t sleep, remember?” Reggie climbed off her and grabbed her hands, pulling her to a stand.

The blood rushed from her head down to her toes, causing her vision to turn dark and her balance swayed. Before she could catch herself, Luke had scooped her up into his arms.

“Come on boys. We got a girl to tuck in.”

“Yes sir.”

“At your service.”

Julie played off her wheeze as a snort of amusement, burying her face into her hands. A few moments passed and they didn’t move, so she peeked out from between her fingers, only to see all three boys looking over her like she was exactly what they asked for for their birthday.

She yelped in surprise which only caused the boys to laugh. Julie huffed and crossed her arms, pursing her lips to keep from smiling.

“Oh, lighten up, boss. We’re going now.”

And then he was smiling that smile that he usually reserved for when they were alone or on stage. She snorted (for real this time, but still in an effort to keep her composure) and poked his cheek.

For the fourth time that night, the cold night air whipped at her legs and face as Luke and the boys carried her to her bedroom. Reggie made an offhand comment on how absurd it would look if Ray woke up and saw his daughter floating around the house, and Julie had to slap her hand to her mouth to keep from laughing aloud; the boys all laughing loudly without restraint didn’t help.

And finally, once they were in the safety of her bedroom, they did exactly what they said they would. Alex tucked the pink hood inside the sweater so she could lay on it more comfortably (“You look all cozy, you can sleep in it for tonight.”), Reggie pulled back the covers and fluffed the pillows.

Julie felt like a princess, being pampered by these boys who had crashed into her life and nestled their way into her heart. Luke even laid her down, hand supporting her neck, and all three of them literally tucked her in.

“Hey guys? Will you sing me a lullaby?”

They groaned, mumbling together about karma, payback, and song recommendations. Eventually they settled themselves on her bed and sang her a song she didn’t recognize, one that must have been vaguely popular in the 90’s. It was soothing, and she felt the tugs of sleep start to take her under.

She must have dozed off, because she awoke to some shuffling, opening her eyes to see the boys tip-toeing out of her room.

“Luke,”

She hadn’t meant to say it out loud. She had been thinking of him (and the fuzzy lingerings of a dream lined the edges of her mind, one with Luke and a magical dance and that sweet smile of his). But all three boys stopped, before Alex pushed Reggie through the door with a wink.

“You okay? Need anything?”

Her words failed her, heart full and eyes nearly brimming with tears. She scooted over and pulled back the covers, patting the sheets next to her and avoiding his eyes.

Just like she knew he would, he made no comment but slid into the bed and let Julie resume her earlier position on his chest. With a flick of his wrist, he pulled the covers back over them both and wrapped his arms around her back, keeping her close.

Idly, she noted how much she liked laying on the boys (and especially him) because they were the perfect cuddling temperature. Not too hot, but not cold. Plus, she reasoned with herself, if he was nervous, at least he wouldn’t overheat the bed.

Wait. Nervousness. She was sure Luke could feel her pounding heart, beating like thunder against his too-quiet chest. He didn’t say anything, just rolled her curls between his fingers as they laid in comfortable silence.

Her thoughts began to wander, instead of relishing in the moment like she longed to do, but thoughts of all the boys had done for her, not just tonight, but in all the months she had known them.

And then his thumbs were running over her cheeks, whispering soothing words and lifting her face, locking their eyes. Her cheeks were wet. She must have started crying.

“Happy tears, don’t worry about it.”

He looked back at her quizzically.

“I was just thinking about how grateful I am that you guys are in my life.” She bit back the ‘especially you’ that fought to escape.

“We’ll always be here, Julie. You’re okay. Just go to sleep. I’ll wake you around 6? You’ll need to take a shower.” Luke took his hands out of her hair to show her a bit of cheese he picked out.

Julie covered a laugh again, resting her head back on his chest, relishing in his company and willingness to do whatever she asked. And she fell asleep, for real this time, with his fingers in her hair and soft hums pulling her into the best sleep she’d had in a while.

And never had she felt happier than that morning, Luke softly singing her into consciousness while Reggie brought her a cup of hot coffee and Alex picking her outfit for the day.

Bonus:

Julie came home from school later that day exhausted but overjoyed. Flynn had teased her endlessly, but she was too happy to care.

Like she did every day, she said hello to her family before going into the studio to do her homework.

But her brain short circuited as she opened the door and found all three boys jumping up from their seats to greet her, Luke wearing Alex’s pink hoodie. It was a little small for him around the arms, not leaving much to be imagined. Julie felt her eyes grow wide, her brows climbing higher, but unable to fix her face or look away.

Alex, never one to miss a cue, nodded his chin towards Luke. “He insisted on wearing it today cause it smelled like you.”

Luke sidestepped to him and whacked him with the back of his hand, but the message had been received. She’d think about that later. For now, she had math homework and a cuddle pile with her ghosts to continue.

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zet-sway · 3 years

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I forgot to take my melatonin so time to lay in bed and post some nonsense. Here's a post about weird dreams I've had:

-> 2021: One time I had a dream that my grandmother was praying over a tall cylinder filled with alkaseltzer.

-> 2019: Another dream - I was a bird flying over my friend's house while he was watching TV. I yelled "stank," and then I woke up.

-> 2015: I dreamed I was getting ready to bang a guy whose dick was made of mozzarella cheese.

-> 2008: I dreamed someone said "Imagine you're gay and you fart and light a pillow on fire."

-> 2016: This isn't a dream but one time I was really fucking drunk and I woke up at 3am and posted "Why am I here I should be in Dalaran" on Facebook and went back to bed.

#this post is under 1k words its a miracle!#zet things #please share your weird dreams if you want to

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crispycrimebrulee · 4 years

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Hii! May I please ask for a chrollo x reader imagine/headcanons where reader is sleep deprived so he has to take care of them due to the fact they're probably going to get sick if they keep it up-

You can decline if you want! Thankyou ^^

Indeed you may have some more soft Chrollo~

- He’s pretty upset (mostly worried) that you let your sleep deprivation get this far

- As much as he admires your drive to work hard (if you’re not working on a project and you’re just always up at 4am, he’s a bit more upset) he wishes you’d take care of yourself and sleep, damnit

- he scolds you a little, on staying up so late and not resting when you should

- he arranges to the room so its dark and cozy, and make sure the sheets are fresh and soft, and tucks you in

- he’ll hide all the things that you’ve been working on so you have no reason to be up and about working till the late hours of the night

- he’ll read you to sleep if you’re having trouble sleeping

- he’ll buy you melatonin, and sets a mini curfew for you (so you know when to put everything away so you can go to sleep)

- if you’re up at 4am and sleep deprived just because you’re awake at 3am gaming or fucking about, he’s going to hide your gaming stuff so you can go take a nap

- he checks on you while you sleep, making sure you’re comfy and cozy

- he’s going to baby you, lets be honest~

#headcanons #headcanon #chrollo lucilfer #chrollo headcanons #chrollo #chrollo fluff #chrollo x reader #hunter x hunter #hunter x hunter headcanon #hxh #hxh headcanons #anime #fluff

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springday-aus · 4 years

Text

SVT’s Wonwoo: Daytime Scares

—

Fic Written by: Admin Grandma of @springday-aus

Moodboard Link: created by Admin Grandpa

Main Characters: Y/N [fem. reader] and Seventeen’s Jeon Wonwoo

Other Characters: OCs [Ae Jae, Mi Jeong, Yoojin, and Minjae], Chaeyoung (BlackPink), Yongsun (Mamamoo), Seventeen [Seungkwan and Mingyu]

Genre: fluff, romance, comedy, college!Wonwoo

Type: one-shot writing piece

Word Count: approx. 11.6k

Plot Summary: Wonwoo is nothing more than an attractive stranger in your ethics class. You have no relation with him whatsoever, but that changes when you suddenly have a nightmare that he tries to kill you. That’s a whole level of psychoanalyzing you would rather not dive into. But now things get weirder when he’s starting to talk to you.

→ Based on the AU prompt: “I had a dream that you tried to kill me and now I’m scared of you”

Sleepovers typically mean movies, gossip, and face masks. It’s a fun time to be with your friends and it’s good for lowering stress after midterms. The only level of stress here is would be finding a movie to watch—which probably should have been selected beforehand. But, in your defense, it was hard enough to schedule this hang-out; who has the time to actually schedule the activities?

So, right now, you lay comfortably on the carpeted floor of Ae Jae’s studio apartment with Mi Jeong. You two are on your phones, trying to find a movie to watch. Meanwhile, Yoojin scrolls through her laptop—connected to the projector—browsing through her Netflix account.

“What about Hustlers?” Minjae asks.

“I could really use some J.Lo right now,” you say with wiggling eyebrows.

“Ugh, we can all use a little more J.Lo,” Mi Jeong says.

“That movie is too recent,” Yoojin says. “We can’t find that on a streaming site.”

“Hello?” Ae Jae says. “Have you heard of Dailymotion?”

“Do you want me to just pull up one of those illegal websites?” Minjae asks.

Yoojin turns around to face her. “Ma’am, that’s called pirating.”

“Exactly.”

Mi Jeong laughs at them. Yoojin gives her a pointed look, but you all know it’s no bad intentions.

You set your phone down and sit up from your previous position. “Might as well. We can probably browse through the other movies and figure out some other options to choose from.”

“What I’m hearing is,” Ae Jae says, “is that we don’t have to pay to watch these new movies.”

Yoojin rolls her eyes and moves out of the way of her laptop. “I guess we have nothing to lose.”

“No fear of the viruses?” you ask.

“Potato, potato,” Minjae says.

Yoojin shrugs. “Fire away, Minjae.”

You watch her practically jump over from her previous spot to the TV to type in one of her illegal sites, which you may or may not have frequently used—thanks to her. You can only laugh at her antics.

It’s nice to be with your friends again. It’s been a while since you had properly sent time with them. With the assignments and overlapping work schedules, you’ve all kind of distanced yourselves from one another and, with midterms coming up, things were just piling higher. After midterms week finished, when things calmed down, you and your friends aligned your schedules to catch up with one another.

But who knew it would take nearly two hours to figure out what to watch? Granted, one of the flaws within your friend group is the fact that most of your friends (you included) are incredibly indecisive.

As Minjae moves from one page to the next, everyone else silently scans the movies presented in front of them.

“The live-action Lion King is out,” Mi Jeong says. “That could be an option.”

“Hm,” you say. “I’m pretty sure it’s just the same as the original one.”

“It is,” Minjae says. “But we can just put it on a list of things we could watch. We can still look.”

“Let’s just do that,” Yoojin says.

About ten movie pages (and a list of six possible movies to watch) in, Minjae gets into the horror movie section. You tense up from the movie covers—each one making your stomach twist in apprehension. The one thing each one of your friends know is that you get easily scared, which means you dodge horror movies like the plague.

“Oh, what about It: Chapter 2?” Ae Jae asks.

You start to whine, realizing where this is going. “Nooo.”

You’re ignored.

“I still haven’t watched the first one,” Minjae says.

“What?” “That was literally everywhere.” “How did you manage to miss one of the biggest horror movies?”

Minjae shrugs off the questions. “I just never got to it.”

“It’s a good movie,” Mi Jeong says. “Right, (Y/N)?”

You scowl at her. “No, it’s not.”

Yoojin snorts. “You probably didn’t even watch it.”

“Yeah.”

“Since (Y/N) and I haven’t watched it,” Minjae says. “Should we just watch it?”

“NOOO—”

Everyone ignores you.

“Since it’s kind of old,” Ae Jae says. “They’ll probably have it in higher quality.”

“NOOOO—”

“You’re probably right,” Yoojin says. “Oh, 1080hd. That’s fancy.”

“GUYS. IS ANYONE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?”

“I found it!”

You let out a long sigh, kissing a month’s worth of sleep away. You mumble under your breath. “Guess no one cares about my well being and health.”

You move yourself to properly lay between Mi Jeong and Minjae, throwing another pillow down. All three of you are on the carpeted floor with too many pillows to count. Ae Jae moved herself and now, she lies on her bed with Yoojin. A blanket is placed on your head and shoulders, ready for cover whenever Pennywise’s face appears on the screen.

You’ve never wished for poorer eyesight until now. You will never understand the trolls that found this clown attractive. A shudder runs down your spine, seeing his face flash in the lightning from the sewer. You quickly pull the blanket over your head to erase the image.

You feel a couple of tugs.

Mi Jeong’s pulling on it. “Jesus Christ, it’s just a clown!”

“John Wayne Gacy was just a clown too and he turned out as a murderer. This one just happens to be supernatural!”

Minjae starts to tug down the blanket as well. “Be apart of the friend group!”

“NO!”

A pillow is flung towards you, in courtesy of Yoojin, who yells down at all of you. “Be quiet!”

“I want new friends.”

It’s 3am—you’ve all moved on from It and onto some generic cartoon movie. You were the main advocate for another movie, in an attempt to rid yourself of the horrific images Pennywise provided. Mi Jeong and Minjae are both asleep on each side of you—both with pore strips still attached on their noses. Yoojin snores lightly from Ae Jae’s bed, whereas Ae Jae is up with her elbow propping up her head.

“Hey,” she says.

“What?”

“You up?” She gives you a teasing smile.

You roll your eyes at her. “This is your fault. Of course, I’m up.”

“What? You really can’t sleep because of the movie?”

You stare at her, but refuse to actually move. “Believe it or not, terrifying images of a killer clown that’s telling me I’ll float isn’t a good sleeping mechanism.”

She opens her mouth, closes it, then opens it again, once the words come to her. “They help Mi Jeong sleep.”

“She’s got a different way of thinking.”

“Hmm, you’re right,” Ae Jae says. “Do you just want a melatonin instead?”

You’ve got nothing to lose. “Sure.”

She manages to get up, without waking up Yoojin, and walks over to the bathroom. She opens the cabinet, looks through it, and pulls out her melatonin gummies. She pops the lid open, walks towards you, and hands it over. “Take two and you should be asleep in thirty minutes.”

“Thanks.” You take a couple, as she advises, and hand the jar back to her. You slowly chew on them, keeping your eyes on the screen in front of you. The images start to pass like a blur and you can’t retain what you’ve just watched.

About twenty minutes later, your eyelids start to droop, feeling the melatonin kick in. You begin to feel a bit tired, so you fully close your eyes and drift off to sleep.

You find yourself in a sewer, blindly moving through a lightless tunnel—with no clue as to how you ended up there. It’s dark, you note to yourself, and it smells foul. The muddy water splashes with each step and it rises as you go through, practically filling your boots. There’s a mist as well, blocking nearly half of your sight of the tunnel. You try to squint through the fog, trying to make out what’s ahead.

You’re able to see a small light at the end. As if you had no control over your body, you run towards it—but it never gets any bigger. You can feel your heartbeat pounding against your chest as your legs keep you running.

But then you slip.

You swear you had felt a pull on your leg, but you couldn’t tell due to the murkiness of the water. You end up on your hands, your lower half is soaked, still in the water—you can’t even make out your reflection. You look closer at it, trying to see what could be underneath it. Suddenly, a hand pushes your head down.

The dirty water fills up your nose and you struggle to escape from this person’s hold on you. As you’re submerged, you hear it. The familiar voice, but you can’t pinpoint where you’ve heard it.

“Can you float?”

You freeze, hearing those words.

The hand lets go and you resurface, taking in a deep breath of much needed air. You look up at your tormentor, who looks down at you with a smirk. His teeth are sharpened, shining with the little light of the tunnel. His eyes are dark and long eyelashes curl on top of his eyelids. Raven-black bangs stick to his forehead—from sweat or water—you couldn’t tell. You look up a bit further, spotting the deviled horns on his head.

You put it together.

It’s Wonwoo. But, what’s he doing here?

He tilts his head at you, pitying you as if you were a lost kitten. His lips fully curl from a smirk to a sinister smile. He lowers his head closer to you.

“Can you float?” he asks.

You don’t have the words to answer him; you don’t think you can find any.

He asks again. “Can you float?”

Before you say anything, he shoves your head underneath once more.

It’s been two weeks since the sleepover (and the last time you had proper sleep). Classes have started up again, but you’re already tired. It isn’t even from the goddamned workload (which you are definitely not doing). Since the sleepover, you’ve had the same recurring nightmare over and over. Same place, same face.

Right now, you sit at a table in the dining hall with a single coffee mug that’s already empty. You wait for your friends to arrive at the table, tapping away at your phone, trying to make yourself busy.

“What’s up,” Chaeyoung says. She takes the seat in front of you and sets her plate on the table. She spots the sad coffee mug and looks between it and you, before asking. “Is that all you’re getting?”

You set your phone down. “No, I also had a bowl of ice cream earlier.”

“(Y/N), it’s noon.”

“Sugar means energy.”

She lets out a sigh—not surprised, just disappointed. You would think after knowing you for so long, she would get used to your horrible eating habits. She is your meal buddy after all. She takes a stab at her food. “So how was your mid-semester break?”

“I think we both know that break is a joke.”

“Still.”

“Well, I got to meet up with some of my old friends, spent some time with family—you know, all the good stuff.” You lean on the table with an elbow propped up and a hand underneath your chin. “How was yours?”

“Eh, I did the same thing. It was nice to chill for a bit, but then I remembered how many readings I have to do.”

You force a smile at her. “I haven’t done any of mine.”

She throws her head back with a laugh. You start laughing too, at yourself and at her.

Yongsun comes around to the table. She sets down another cup of coffee for you, which you previously asked for, and her own plate as she sits herself next to you. She looks between you and Chaeyoung. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing really,” you say. “Just talking about how oh-so productive we’ve been since break.”

She gives you a bitter look with regret evident on her face “That break is a joke. I got nothing done either.”

“Glad to know everyone is on the same track.” You take a sip of your coffee.

“No offense,” Chaeyoung says. “But you look really tired. Are you okay?”

Yongsun laughs, nearly choking on her food. “It’s the exams creeping up, that’s why her eye bags are a darker shade.”

Your eyebrows slightly rise. “Not wrong, but doesn’t mean I don’t feel attacked.”

“Are you having trouble sleeping again?” Chaeyoung asks.

Yongsun takes a closer look at you. “You know, now that she’s said something. She’s not wrong. Are you okay?”

You sigh and take another big sip of the coffee. “My friends made me watch It.”

“That’s all?” Chaeyoung asks.

“Kind of.” You set the coffee down and lay your head on the table. “I’ve just been having the same nightmares for a while now and I can’t sleep.”

“What do you see?” Yongsun asks.

“Why? Are you going to psycho-analyze them like you do with the others?” Chaeyoung asks.

“Absolutely.”

“Oh my god.”

“Now,” Yongsun says. She fully turns to you, pointing at you with her spoon. “What happens in your nightmares?”

You hesitate. “The nightmare overall…. it makes sense but there’s a piece that I can’t figure out.”

“What?” Chaeyoung asks. “You know what, just explain the entire dream and we’ll figure it out.”

You scratch the back of your ear, feeling a bit sheepish of the whole thing. “Do you guys know Jeon Wonwoo?”

There’s a silence, but you can practically see them racking their memory for him. You look between them, seeing if either one of them would know him. It’s ideal that they don’t, but if they do, they could probably picture it better.

“Jeon Wonwoo,” Yongsun mutters under her breath. She speaks louder the second time. “That name is so familiar but I can’t pinpoint where.”

Chaeyoung looks confused as well. “I get that. I feel like I know him too.”

“What does this have to do with anything?”

You let out a long sigh. “Because my nightmares are essentially him just trying to kill me.” You don’t take notice of Yongsun’s frantic typing on her phone. “I don’t understand why it’s him specifically.”

Chaeyoung hums, nodding along to what you’re saying. “Maybe it’s just a random face from memory—you could have just seen his face and now it’s stuck. Is he ugly or something?”

“He’s in my ethics class,” you say. “And he’s definitely not ugly.”

“So he’s attractive and trying to murder you?”

“Mmhm, basically.”

“Is there a kink you aren’t sharing with us?”

“No, who wants to be murdered?”

“There’s lots of college kids who want to be murdered, (Y/N),” Yongsun says.

“Okay, fair point.”

“In other news though.” Yongsun pauses and sets her phone down for all three of you to see. “I found him and I can confirm that he is hot.”

You take a peek at the Facebook profile—the familiar face is in the little profile image and you shudder out of habit. You move away from the phone, feeling uncomfortable from his face. “Yup, that’s him.”

“Jesus,” Chaeyoung says. She grabs the phone and zooms in on the image. “This is the face you’re seeing? How can someone look like that?”

You grimace. “I can’t.”

“What do you mean?” Yongsun asks.

“I sit in the front, far away from him, so I don’t have to look at him anymore.”

“What do you think this means?” Chaeyoung asks.

“From my perspective,” Yongsun says. “Maybe you’re scared of how attractive he is.”

You and Chaeyoung squint at her, both not understanding. She continues. “This can mean a lot of things. I need the context.”

You try to recollect your dream memories. It isn’t hard, considering the fact that you’ve had the same nightmare for a couple of weeks. Although, there have been odd additions every once in a while. Just last night, you were on an empty road rather than a sewer. Sometimes there was the pile of children there and would start floating in front of you. Wonwoo stood in front of it, just staring at it, before turning his head to you to start shoving you into the water.

You shrink in your seat. You feel like throwing up.

“Well?” Yongsun asks. “Any details?”

You grimace again. “I would rather not share while we’re eating.”

Chaeyoung looks at you with a bit of worry in her eyes. “Do you think you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah.” You drown the rest of your now-cold coffee down. “It’ll be fine. It’s not like Wonwoo’s a friend. How hard could it be to avoid him?”

Another restless week passes and you’re convinced your sleeping schedule will never bounce back. You rub your eyes, trying to wake yourself up somehow—it’s your third cup of coffee of the day and it’s done nothing for you.

It’s 11:20am and class is supposed to start in ten minutes. The class is already half full of students. Everyone else fiddles with their phones, or talks to others about weekend plans. You sit in your seat with a laptop out, fully blanking out, but attempting to stay awake. Granted, you can just ditch, but attendance counts and if your GPA is below 3.0, you can kiss that scholarship goodbye.

You groan from the thought of being in this class for an hour. You lay your head on the table, feeling the cold table pressed on your cheek, and closing your eyes for just a moment.

Suddenly, a chill comes over you and you feel more awake than ever. You open your eyes, only to see Wonwoo walk in. His backpack is slung over one shoulder; he wears a soft, black cardigan that’s tugged on his hands to form sweater paws. He has his hair down, tousling through his bangs with his long fingers. He looks like such a soft boy.

Despite his boyish looks, you felt your body physically react. Chills run up your spine and you felt the hairs on your arms raise. You feel more alert than you’ve been in weeks. You quickly sit up and straighten out your back at his presence. That’s right: you’re in ethics. You always forgot, until you came to class, see him and the nightmares become daytime horrors.

You let out a sigh. Somehow, you feel more exhausted than before, despite feeling more awake in Wonwoo’s presence. Once the professor arrives, she immediately starts her lecture. Frankly, you can’t even remember what she’s talking about. It all goes in one ear and out the other. You simply type away, your note page expanding as each minute passes.

An hour eventually passes and you let out a breath of relief.

“Alright class,” she says. “Remember for the next class, we will be working on our papers, so bring those laptops fully charged and be prepared for discussion.”

Everyone, including yourself, groans.

“We need to start preparing for the final and, from my previous feedback, I hear this is really helpful. So, prepare yourselves.” Your professor shuts off the monitor and starts to shut her books. “Now, get out.”

No one had to be told twice; everyone practically floods out of the room, ready to take a nap or eat, or whatever else college kids do. With the combination of your previous exhaustion and the lecture, you were moving slower than usual, not wanting to tire yourself out further. You could feel your body nearly shutting down again. You close your eyes once more as you rotate your neck around. Once again, you feel the chills creep up your back.

You follow your instincts and open your eyes, spotting Wonwoo from the corner of your eye. Unknowingly, you flinch, immediately looking away from him. He tries to smile in your direction on his way out, but you move your body away from him, trying to look preoccupied as you shove your books into your bag.

Once he leaves, you let out a long sigh you didn’t realize you held in. Resting your head on the table, you close your eyes—only to see the images of Wonwoo from your nightmares with devil horns. You sit back up, rubbing your eyes and trying to shake the sight of him out of your mind.

This is going to be harder than you thought.

“Paging Sleeping Beauty, are you awake?”

You slowly sit up from the library table, trying to keep your eyes awake as you lean on your hand. “Yes, sir. I am physically present.”

Seungkwan raises an eyebrow at you. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“When am I ever okay?”

“Fair.” He sets down his books in front of you and takes a seat. “How much did you get done?”

“I just finished the draft and took a lil nap.”

“In a public space?”

“I didn’t get robbed. I’m fine.”

He blinks at you, shakes his head and tries to move on from the odd comment. “Anyways,” he says, pulling out his laptop. “I finished my essay earlier during class, so.”

“So it might be garbage?”

“Hell no.” He opens the laptop, mindlessly moving the mouse around. “I’m just saying, consider the conditions when you read this. I was in a highly stressed environment.”

Seungkwan and you have the same professor for ethics (just at different times), so it only made sense to work together for this paper. You two knew each other from a previous class and bonded over a mutual friend of yours, Soonyoung. Obviously, suffering is the only way to bond with other college students, hence your blossomed friendship with Seungkwan.

You rub your eyes, trying to keep yourself awake in front of his laptop. But, it doesn’t help and the words start to blur together. After the third sentence, you lean back and close your eyes in an attempt to regain your focus.

“Hey.” You feel his hand on your shoulder. “(Y/N), are you sure you’re okay?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” You reopen your eyes, to see concern in Seungkwan’s eyes. He doesn’t even have to ask for you to answer. “I just haven’t been getting much sleep lately and there’s only so many sleeping pills a person can take.”

“Is it stress?”

“Not… not exactly.”

He raises an eyebrow, leaning his chin on his hand. “Do tell, (Y/N). If not stress, is it a lover?”

You give him an unamused look at his teasing. “Ha ha. No.” You shift in your seat. “I’ve been having nightmares about this guy in my class.”

“Ooooh?”

“Stop it.”

He pouts. “Can you at least tell me who? I might know who it is.”

You rub the back of your neck, feeling a bit apprehensive. The problem is that he does know everyone. Apparently, everyone else seems to know Wonwoo, one way or another. He does have that reputation of looking like a moody emo bad boy. The fact that he’s good looking means he gets away with being creepy. But then again, he is polite to everyone—a very well mannered boy. You sigh, feeling the exhaustion hit all at once.

“I have a suspicion that you know who it is,” you say. You let out another sigh. “It’s Wonwoo.”

His eyes sparkle with interest. “Jeon? Jeon Wonwoo??”

You let out another sigh and place your head in your arms, muffling the groans you make. “Jesus, of course you know him.”

He makes a face. “Why?” Before you can answer him, he leans closer to you. “What’d he do?”

You can feel yourself inwardly cringing before the words even come out. You feel embarrassed about making a big deal about this small thing. “He’s done nothing to me. He’s just scary.”

“Wonwoo is one of the least scary people I know.” He moves away, looking off into the distance as if to collect his thoughts. “Minghao… He’s on that list, but Wonwoo? He’s like a scared cat…” At this point, he’s just mumbling to himself.

You look up, resting your head on your folded arms. “Earth to Seungkwan?”

“Right, back to you.” He pauses. “So these nightmares, are they that bad that you’re losing this much sleep?”

You nod.

“Wow, is he that scary to you?”

“Well, considering in the dream that he’s trying to murder me… I would say he’s pretty scary.”

“Okay, but what’d you think about him before?”

“Before what?”

“Like, before you started dreaming about his face and death.”

You blink, staring at him for a bit, lost in thought. You haven’t really thought about Wonwoo without the devil horns, but then again, you don’t really talk to him. It’s a required class, so there’s a lot of people in this lecture hall. Also, it’s a lecture hall, it’s not like people have a chance to interact with one another. The only reason why you’ve heard of him is because of your mutual friends. You admit though, he is attractive.

But you couldn’t let Seungkwan know that. He would never let it go and he’s friends with Wonwoo. Who knows what he’d do with this information.

“I was neutral about him,” you say. “Since I don’t really know much about him.”

He raises an eyebrow. “You don’t even find him attractive?”

You grumble as you begin to sit up. “Can we not talk about this and go back to suffering?”

“Ugh.” He throws his head back in a dramatic fashion. “I wanted the tea though.”

“This ain’t a tea shop honey, so I’m not giving you any.” You put your attention back to his laptop. “Let me just go over this draft and you can trash mine.”

You push your laptop towards him with the draft of your paper open.

He clicks his tongue in disappointment. “Fine, but I want details later.”

“Boba break?”

“Boba break.”

Your professor sets down her books on the podium. “Alright class, please pull out your drafts. Your classroom partners are already assigned on the classroom page. If you can’t find it, it’s also on the projector.”

Your eyes don’t move away from your computer screen. The list of peer review partners has been pulled up and you scroll through it to find yours. You can only stare once you spot it.

(Y/N) and Wonwoo

This can’t be right.

You look from your screen to the projector. Your names are clear on the screen.

(Y/N) and Wonwoo

Someone clears their throat, snapping you out of your inner panic. “You’re (Y/N), right?”

To your right, Wonwoo stands with his messenger bag, a couple of textbooks in his hands, and a polite smile on his face. You can only nod, feeling the chills run up your back. He takes the empty spot next to you and sets down his things. Having him sit so close to you… it’s even scarier than you even imagined.

He glances at you with a small smile. Ugh, he is handsome. You’ll give him that.

As he turns his head, you get a closer look at his profile. In an instant, you see the devil-horned image of him flash. You shudder, turning away and wordlessly setting your laptop closer to him.

You manage to speak up, but it gets quieter as you talk. “Here’s my draft. You should be able to make comments… suggestions or something…”

He gives another smile (although you don’t see it) and hands you his laptop. “I have my draft on here too. I’m sorry, but it’s still a bit messy.”

His voice is so soft, despite his cold features. You take another glance at him to take his laptop. Your hands brush against his and you try to ignore the goosebumps that raise on your arms—whether it’s from fear, you can’t tell.

For a while, it’s quiet. Everyone is working on peer-editing their partner’s drafts, including you and Wonwoo. You both read through one another’s drafts. Ugh, he’s such a good writer. This was supposed to be a rough draft, but he makes it look like the final draft. This thesis makes sense; the support from the text is present; the counter-argument is made and redirected back to the thesis. Meanwhile, your draft probably looks even more half-assed than you originally intended for it to be.

You go through the document again to try to give some feedback on his draft, despite how hard it is to make something up. By the end, you only manage to give him three comments. Turns out, you had finished earlier than you’d thought. You look around, seeing everyone still working and interacting with their partners, before looking over at him.

He stares intensely at your screen, still scrolling through the hot mess you call a rough draft. Every couple of seconds, he types a comment and you feel yourself flinch at how hard he presses on the keyboard. You knew it wasn’t the best, but there’s no way for it to be the most awful thing you’ve written. You hadn’t even realized you’ve been staring until he turns his body towards you.

You lightly flinch at the sudden eye contact and, unconsciously, inch away from him. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, he sets your laptop next to you.

“I wrote a couple of recommendations as to how you could expand on your argument further. I think you have a solid thesis and the evidence you provide from the texts are very strong. I didn’t know what else I could add, so I did the best I could to add some comments to help. You don’t have to use them, but they were just some ideas I thought you could use.”

He gives you another smile and you couldn’t help to feel a bit touched. Typically, people half ass these types of assignments. To see that he actually put effort into it and even added in ideas you can use...

You push his laptop further away from you and he immediately scrolls through it, before you can get a word in. That’s probably why the word vomit began and you haphazardly try to explain things, without even looking at him in the eye.

“I couldn’t really add in as much as you did. I thought it was really well thought out and made some really good points. I just made a couple of comments on word choice, grammar, and how it all connects. You’re a really good writer so you don’t have to really pay attention to these things. They really don’t make a big difference or anything. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you anything particularly helpful…”

You trail off from your nervous rambling, glancing up at him to take in his reaction. He looks rather sheepish; his hand rubs the back of his neck and light blush dusts his cheeks.

“It’s really nothing… I’m not that good…”

This vision of Wonwoo is definitely a 180 from your nightmares. The stoic and heartless image of Wonwoo with devil horns flashes once again. But then, you take another look at him. All you see a shy boy, flushed from a couple of compliments from a classmate he doesn’t even talk to—well, at least, until now.

You both sit there for a bit in silence, fiddling with your laptops in an attempt to work on your drafted papers. From what you can read, he put a lot of thought into his recommendations. After about five minutes, as the conversation around you begins to stir up again, he turns his body to you.

“Are the comments okay?” He pauses. “Were they able to help you?”

You hum and give a small nod. “I think with your suggestions this paper will be a bit easier to write.. I’m sorry for not being able to help you much with yours.”

He speaks in a small voice that you almost don’t hear. “You did help though…”

You give him a sheepish smile. “Not really. I gained more from this than you were able to… it’s unfair, sorry...”

“You shouldn’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong, you tried your best.”

You let out a light laugh. “Did I though? I’m sure you’ve gotten more helpful feedback from other people.”

“Well, most people here don’t really care about this since this doesn’t ‘count for points.’”

“You’ve got a point.”

“Alright,” your professor says. “Considering how much you’re all talking, I’m assuming you’re done exchanging your drafts. If you’re done, you can leave. Consider it a reward for finishing early.”

You start to pack your things, as does Wonwoo. The both of you remain silent for a while, but, as you get up to leave, he speaks up with a soft voice.

“Did you want to work together on this paper later sometime?”

Before you can answer, he continues. “I just meant, like… I know you and Seungkwan work together and I was wondering if I could join you two or something. You don’t have to! I was just curious since Seungkwan and I work on it together too and I just thought it would be good if we all meet up.. together or something…”

“Oh…” Frankly, you didn’t even know they were working on the essay together too. No wonder Seungkwan’s draft was so good—that son of a bitch. On one hand, you already know Seungkwan is most likely to agree. On the other hand, you are still unsure you’re mentally prepared to willingly spend more time with him.

He’s nice, but you’re apprehensive as to how your brain is going to interrupt this. Who knows what your unconscious can unload? What if he transforms into a demon in your next dream? What if he turns into one of those gross monster-sized spiders and eats you whole?

Another chill runs down your spine, but you fake an unbothered smile. “I’ll talk to Seungkwan.”

He smiles back; it’s small, but genuine.

You sit at the library, tapping your fingers on the table as you wait anxiously for the boys’ arrival. You flip your phone over again, to check the time and any new text notifications from Seungkwan. You were starting to regret all your life’s decisions. Okay, maybe that’s too dramatic—even for you. But, you are regretting your decision of joining Seungkwan and Wonwoo’s study session.

To be honest, when you said you would talk to Seungkwan, that was 100% a lie. So, when you get a text from Seungkwan… you are more than shocked to find that he has oh-so graciously arranged the study session for you. That also meant getting a couple of pokes from him.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. As if he knew someone was talking shit, he enters the library and easily spots you in your usual corner. He drops his backpack onto the table and sits himself across from you, pulling out his laptop and textbooks.

“Sorry,” he says. “I had a couple of questions for my professor and…. I forgot how much that man likes to talk.”

“Hm, sounds like someone I know.”

“Ha ha, very funny (Y/N).” He opens his laptop and starts to skim through his books, but, eventually, he gets bored and looks back at you.

You feel his eyes on you and look up from your own laptop. “What?”

“From our last conversation, you said you were scared of Wonwoo.” Save it for Seungkwan to be blunt rather than beating around the bush.

“I didn’t say that—”

“It was implied.”

Your lips purse, finding yourself at a loss of words. “What about it?” you mumble, shrinking into your seat.

“Soooo,” Seungkwan says. “Why did you agree to the study group?”

You frown, squinting at him. “I’m sorry, but who decided to put us all into a group chat???” Your frown becomes a pout. “You can’t just put me in a group chat, ask about a meeting time, and think I’m going to be the asshole who says ‘oh no, I can’t make it.’ Then have you point out that I’m not doing anything.”

He shines a bright smile at you, ignoring your negative tone. “You wouldn’t have joined so otherwise.”

“Ha! So it was a ruse!”

“Of course it was.” He leans back to his seat. “You were so scared of him—look at you now, you’re making plans with him.”

“You made the plans.”

He waves a finger at you, “Semantics.”

You can only roll your eyes at him and type away, trying to sort out and prioritize on your latest assignments. “Why do you care so much about what I think about him?”

He blinks and you swear, for a second, he seems to have run out of words. You raise an eyebrow at his silence.

“Well... “ He stammers. “I—I just... just want all of my friends… to—to get along and be… friends.”

Your eyebrows furrow and you hum along, but you don’t believe a single thing he says. “It’s all the subconscious. I never had a problem with him in the first place.”

“Problem with who?”

You both turn around to see Wonwoo and another boy standing next to you two. From the unfamiliar voice, you can assume it was said by Mingyu—the other participating victim in the groupchat Seungkwan made.

“No one,” Seungkwan says. “Problem with no one—right, (Y/N)?”

You can only stare wide-eyed as you glance between them. “Yes, what he said.”

Mingyu laughs. “Uhm, okay.”

They both seat themselves at the table with you and Seungkwan—Wonwoo on one side and Mingyu on the other. They both give you a friendly smile and start to pull out their materials. You can only smile back awkwardly, typing away at your laptop.

“No offense,” Mingyu says. “I’m glad to be here, but I’m confused why I’m here.”

“It’s a study group and you’re our friend,” Seungkwan says.

“We’re not in the same class.”

“Moral support.”

“For what?”

He glances at you, which makes you narrow your eyes at him. He turns his attention back to Mingyu. “For things.”

Mingyu raises his eyebrows, but he doesn’t say anything.

“So,” Wonwoo says. “Shall we get started?”

“What should we start on?” you ask.

“I was thinking maybe the essay since that’s due the soonest,” Seungkwan says.

You all nod along, even Mingyu.

“So, I’m not involved either way,” Mingyu says. “This is fine, I totally don’t feel left out.”

Seungkwan shrugs. “You can do other assignments too.”

Mingyu pouts and his silent sulking is ignored.

You and Wonwoo chuckle at their antics. “Sorry buddy,” he says. “This plan wasn’t scheduled well.”

“Hey!”

Wonwoo ignores Seungkwan and turns to you. “Were you able to work on the essay?”

You shift in your seat, feeling awkward from suddenly being in his direct line of vision. “Yeah, I did—it’s coming along. Thanks again, by the way.”

“It’s not a problem. I’m glad I could help,” he says. “Did you want me to look at it?”

Your eyes widen, meeting Seungkwan’s, who makes a face. To be honest, you haven’t worked on it since you opened it during class and you’re too embarrassed to say you’ve been procrastinating. It’s due in two days and who says you can’t write an essay in one night (who isn’t a professor).

“Are you having trouble concentrating again?” Seungkwan asks. Before you can answer, he interjects himself. “Is this because you’re still having sleeping problems? Dude, just keep popping those pills.”

The other two’s attention have been turned to you. You inwardly groan from the eyes and try to focus on Seungkwan—but your body responds for you with a grimace. “Can you not say it like that? It’s melatonin and they’re technically vitamins.”

“Hmmm, sure.”

“You have sleeping problems?” Mingyu asks.

You sheepishly rub the back of your neck. “Yeah, it’s not that big of a deal though.”

Seungkwan snorts. “Sure it isn’t. It’s not like you were nearly falling asleep when editing my essay just a couple of days ago.”

You smile. “I bought you boba though.”

“But can I really be bribed?”

“Of course not,” you say. “Because no one can afford your high maintenance.”

Seungkwan’s jaw drops from your bluntness, but there’s a small smile in it. Mingyu doubles over in laughter and Wonwoo tries to hold his in—the smile on his face gives it away, causing you to laugh as well.

Seungkwan quickly straightens up in defense. “This is what I get for trying to be nice.”

You give him another teasing smile.

“Okay, okay,” Mingyu says. “How bad is this sleeping problem?”

“It’s..” You click your tongue, recalling as to how bad your sleep schedule has been since these nightmares began. “It’s really bad, dude.”

“You know,” he says, turning his body towards you. “There are foods good for sleep.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, one time I made this banana almond parfait.”

“Oooh, sounds fancy—”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Seungkwan says. “But I doubt that’s going to help (Y/N)’s situation.”

“Why not?” Wonwoo asks.

You’d almost forgotten he was there for a second.

“It’s a subconscious thing.”

Wait a second.

“So it’s psychological problems?” Mingyu asks. He props his chin into his hands. “Do tell.”

You stifle a laugh.

Wonwoo is the one who speaks for you. “Mingyu, you just met her and you already want to open up her psyche?”

“What’s a better way to get to know someone?”

“Anything else, bro.”

Mingyu’s lips purse, then form into a pout. “Booooooooo.”

“Okay,” you say. “Let’s just move on. We actually have to work on this essay.”

“Boooooo!”

“Shut up, Seungkwan.”

“I don’t care what anyone else says,” Chaeyoung says. “Lizard people are real.”

Yongsun nods along, digging her spoon further into her ice cream. “I’d buy into it. Matthew McConaughey has a lizard smile.”

You can only sigh in disappointment and put your head in your hands. “Why am I friends with you people?”

Your comment is ignored and Chaeyoung continues to talk. “Controversial statement: Shawn Mendez? Lizard person.”

“Oh my God, he kind of does.” Yongsun shows her screen to the both of you. “He has the same lizard smile as Matthew.”

As the two continue to converse other celebrities with lizard qualities, you sit at the other side of the booth, playing with your food. Dining hall food isn’t great, but it is free. What’s the point of these dinners, if you’re just going to want to throw it back up from these types of conversations?

A couple of weeks ago, y’all had a whole conversation as to how Ted Bundy got away from his crimes for such a long time (to be honest, he wasn’t even really attractive so….). Then, last week, y’all talked about white boy names—the looks you got from people with those names were absolutely hilarious. Side note: you don’t give a solid shit to anyone named Todd (what Todd have you met that WASN’T an asshole?).

By now, you’ve just learned to sit back and let these topics just… happen. At some point, these conversations are going to bite you in the ass.

“(Y/N)?”

You look up from your plate.

“I thought that was you,” Mingyu says with a smile.

You return it with one of yours. “Hey, Mingyu, right?”

“Yeah! I’m Seungkwan’s friend—although, I’m more known for being Wonwoo’s.” He pauses, before mumbling to himself. “And Jungkook’s…”

“Wonwoo?” Chaeyoung asks.

“Jeon Wonwoo?” Yongsun adds.

“Yeah,” Mingyu says. “You know him?”

“We’ve heard of him,” Yongsun says, nudging your rib. You smack her elbow away.

Chaeyoung scoots herself over. “If you want, you can sit with us.”

“Sure,” he says. “I have class in an hour, so I have time.” He sits himself next to her and looks between you and the other girls. “So, what are we talking about?”

Yongsun swallows her ice cream, pointing her spoon at him. “Lizard people.”

You push her spoon out of the way. “Can we please move away from this subject?”

“They! Are! Here!” Chaeyoung bangs her fists on the table, along each syllable.

You put your head back into your hands. “Oh my God. You need to stay off the internet.”

“Lizard people…” Mingyu says slowly. “What is this exactly?”

You look up, eyes wide and warning. “You do not want to ask her that.”

“So, there are theories that some people roam around Earth—”

“And, so it begins.”

Chaeyoung ignores you. “—as lizards. They are living amongst us and planning to overthrow the human race.”

“We’ve possibly identified a couple of them,” Yongsun says. “Hear us out. Matthew McConaughey and Shawn Mendez. Thoughts?”

“You do not have to answer them, by the way,” you say to him.

As if Mingyu was possessed by someone else, he nods along as he listens. “I could definitely see that. They have weird face structures.”

Your jaw drops from his participation in your weird dinner discussions. Your respect for him as a person has dropped. “Dude, don’t encourage them!”

Chaeyoung points at him, as if he isn’t present. “I like him better than that Wonwoo guy.”

“Ditto,” Yongsun says.

“I thought you guys didn’t know him?” Mingyu asks. His head tilts to the side—for a second, he looks like a puppy.

“We don’t,” Yongsun says. She slurps up the remaining ice cream melting from her bowl. “(Y/N) mentioned him and we looked him up—he’s just as hot as (Y/N) said.”

Your cheeks flush and you flick some of your water in her direction. “That’s not what I said!”

Her lips purse in response and she continues to slurp from her bowl. Meanwhile, Chaeyoung gives you a look, which you refuse to acknowledge.

On the other hand, Mingyu’s attention has been turned to you in interest. His eyebrow raises and you start to squirm.

“So,” he says with a twirl of his fork. “What have you said about Wonwoo?”

You’d honestly thought this conversation was behind you, especially since you had dodged away from the topic during your study group a couple of days ago. The difference between Seungkwan and these two is that these two have very little regard for your opinion. While they are your friends, they are also very invasive and you are very sure that they will ignore your protests. It’s almost as if they had heard your thoughts—they answer the question for you.

“She said he’s attractive,” Chaeyoung says.

“Technically,” Yongsun says. “She said he wasn’t ugly and I think she also said he murders her.”

Mingyu turns to you with surprise.

Just when you thought you had died before, you were sure that you have died now and were stuck in your customized purgatory hell.

“That,” you say into your hands. “Was not what I said.”

Yongsun squints at you. “Are you sure? Because I distinctly remember you defining your death kink with those weird dreams.”

You stare at her for a while before deciding on what to say. “Are you on crack? I was sure that your crackhead energy was drained last week during your history exam.”

“How dare you? I am completely sober.”

“Debatable.”

You both turn back to the other two at the table, where Chaeyoung continues to eat and Mingyu stares off with confusion evident in his features.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “But what’s the piece I’m missing?”

“I’ll give you a short version,” Chaeyoung says. “You see, (Y/N) has been dreaming about Wonwoo murdering her and we think it’s a loo—hey!” She grabs a napkin to wipe her, now, wet hair.

You give her a bright, fake smile as she playfully glares at you and the glass of water you’ve flicked on her. Yongsun chuckles at your antics and turns to Mingyu. “Either way, it’s 100% repression.”

“Repression of what exactly?” you ask.

“Attraction,” Yongsun points out.

You flick some more water at her, ignoring her yelps. You turn your attention to Mingyu. “Ignore them and everything they’ve said because it isn’t true.”

“Lies!” Chaeyoung says. “Yongsun’s right. It’s probably repression because Wonwoo is definitely hot—stop throwing water at me!”

You ignore her once again, flicking more water from your glass. “I did not say he was hot. I just admitted that he wasn’t ugly!”

As you continue to attack your friends with your water, Mingyu stays silent, but makes note from the conversation. Oh, how things will become more interesting….

You continue to type on your laptop, wrapping the conclusion paragraph with one last sentence. You let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God,” you mutter under your breath. This god forbidden essay is done and you can easily turn it in. You look up from your screen, where Wonwoo continues to type on his.

His glasses sit on the edge of his nose and his eyes are narrowed, as if to physically focus on the words. You have to admit: the glasses suit him and his oversized sweater. While he has worn them every once in a while, this is one of the rare times you’ve seen him this close up. He looks like a soft boy molded from a John Green book.

You look a glance around and, seeing how he’s gathered the attention of a few people, you can tell you aren’t the only one who’s noticed. To be fair, if it wasn’t for your nightmares, you would be a lot more attracted to him.

Admittedly, it has been nice to spend this time with him—you managed to reduce some of those nightmares and get a bit more sleep. You might even admit that he’s a friend more than just a classmate now.

Speaking of friends, Seungkwan and Mingyu are pretty late. It’s been 20 minutes of just you and Wonwoo. You don’t mind, but you all made a plan to meet here (since the essay is due tonight).

“Are you done with your essay already?”

Wonwoo’s voice snaps you out of your inner ramblings. You look towards his direction, freezing from the sudden eye contact. “Huh?”

He clears his throat. “Are you... done? With the essay?”

“Ah, kind of. It’s probably bad, but it’s done.”

“I’m sure it’s fine. Let me see.” He gestures to your laptop.

“Compared to your English major ass?” You pull the laptop closer to you. “No.”

“(Y/N),” he says with a sigh. “I’m sure it’s not even bad.” He gets ahold of the top of your laptop, lightly tugging it away from your grasp. You can only pout as the device is taken away from your hold and he begins to read. You place your chin into your hands, watching Wonwoo’s eyes dance from sentence to sentence.

You didn’t realize how long you’d been staring until he makes eye contact with you and sets your laptop back near you. If he noticed, he doesn’t say anything about it.

Wonwoo adjusts his glasses, pushing them closer to the bridge of his nose. When his face comes to view, there’s a small smile. “I told you your essay was fine. In fact, you could probably turn it in right now.”

Your lips purse, considering the idea, even though you were already planning to. Originally, you wanted Seungkwan to check it too—especially since he saw the real rough draft of it, which was a blank document.

“I kind of wanted to wait for Seungkwan,” you say. “Since we all agreed to do it together.”

He nods along with your words. “It makes sense.” He looks at you with a head tilt, thinking aloud. “Where is Seungkwan?”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” you say with a small laugh. “Is Mingyu coming?”

He checks his phone, wrinkling his nose as he squints at the screen and scrolls through his messages. “Honestly, I have no idea—last time I checked, he was supposed to.”

“Yeah, I ran into him yesterday and I assumed he was coming too.”

“Oh yeah,” Wonwoo says. “How was the lunch?”

“It was actually pretty funny beca—” You stop. You didn’t mention anything about lunch… so, how did he know about that? Your eyes narrow at him. “Did Mingyu tell you already?”

“Uh.” Wonwoo’s eyes shift. “Kind of?” He hunches a bit more over his own laptop, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Mingyu basically tells me everything.”

Mingyu basically tells me everything.

Oh, no.

You try to recall exactly as to the different topics during that one hour lunch with him. He was almost late to his class, since he was in a heavy debate with Yongsun and Chaeyoung as to whether or not Perry the Platypus cosplayers are considered furries…

It was a conversation that you had to be there for, in order for the context to be understood.

There was also the topic of whether Twilight should be watched for ironic purposes and/or the cinematic value of it. There was also discussion about what was the weakest element—which Yongsun was debating on the side of water.

You were getting off track; curse your friends for having such bizarre conversations. That line shouldn’t have triggered you, but for some reason, it feels off—as if there was something you were forgetting. You look at Wonwoo, who’s sitting across from you with flushed cheeks.

Wait a second.

She said he’s attractive.

Death kink with those weird dreams.

(Y/N) has been dreaming about Wonwoo murdering her.

Just when you thought things were just starting to become normal-ish between you two.

Your face flushes as you remember all the things your friends said… which were most likely echoed to Wonwoo through Mingyu (seeing how much blush is present on his face).

There’s only one thing you can say. “I can explain.”

He lets out a little, breathless laugh—but it sounds more like an uncomfortable one.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, I swear.”

He pushes his glasses up once more. “You—you don’t have to.”

“It’s okay,” you say. “I should explain myself. It’s not supposed to sound as bad as they made it out to be and it’s not even your fault. I don’t even know why my subconscious chose your face out of anyone else’s. Yongsun said it’s repression, but you probably already know that and—” You sigh. “I’m—I’m sorry.”

“For what? It’s not really your fault.”

“Yeah, but I guess, it’s just in general.” Your fingers glaze over the keyboard, absentmindedly toying with the keys. “Over break, I watched a horror movie with my friends and then I started getting nightmares. Again, I don’t know why your face was there, but… it just was.”

“I’m not mad,” Wonwoo says. “And it’s not your fault—you don’t have to apologize.”

There’s a small silence, which is just you and Wonwoo looking at one another with wide eyes, unsure as to what happens next.

“I will say,” Wonwoo says with a small voice. “I’m a bit flattered.”

“That I dream of you murdering me?”

“No.” He lets out a small laugh. “That your subconscious ‘chose my face.’”

You chuckle rather sheepishly when he took the words from your previous rambling. “Yeah… Seungkwan suggested that it was just a face that was most memorable.” You let out a long sigh. “And Yongsun likes to psychoanalyze into things.”

“So, do you… think my face… is attractive?”

You look up at him from your keyboard, only to see him dodging your eyes. His Adam's apple moves as he swallows. On the table, you can see that his hands are curled underneath the sweater paws, moving as he fiddles with his fingers. You can feel yourself shrinking into your seat, shyness overpowering you.

“Well….” you say. “You are… attractive…” You say the last part quieter than you intended, but Wonwoo’s eyes meet yours once the words are said.

His face turns a shade darker and he smiles a bit wider than before. “Even.. Even if I was part of a nightmare?”

You nod, but look off to the side to shake off the embarrassment.

“I think you’re attractive too.”

Your head turns to him, but his concentration is back to his laptop. While he can act like he didn’t say anything all he wants, the redness of his ears give his emotions away. You press your lips to repress your smile.

A bag being thrown into the table interrupts your moment.

“Sorry, sorry,” Seungkwan says, clearly out of breath. “This ladder here wanted to stop by Starbucks and there was a line.”

“How was I supposed to know?” Mingyu yells.

“It’s Starbucks! You should have known!”

“You couldn’t have sent a text?” you ask.

“My phone died,” he says with a pout. “Speaking of which, do you have a charger??”

You can only sigh in disappointment, but rummage through your bag nevertheless. “You’re lucky I brought this one.”

“You’re a lifesaver.”

“I know, I know. Now sit down and shut up, people are looking.”

When you open your eyes, you’re running—from what, you are unsure of. This tunnel is nearly pitch black dark. A part of you is calm, but the other is panicking. Probably due to previous experiences you’ve had in this subconscious. You continue to run, refusing to look back at whatever remains behind you, but you can hear its footsteps echoing.

Your shoes are soaked and continue to splash against the muddy waters, as you continue to run. It stays dark for so long, but then it gets lighter, as if the sun poured itself into the tunnel. The footsteps stop. Whatever’s behind you diminishes.

But you can’t stop running towards the light, which burns closer and closer. The light embraces you, shining brightly and bouncing along your surroundings. You try to shield your eyes from the sun, only to be greeted by shimmers. Your vision starts to clear, enough for you to identify your surroundings.

You’re at the park. But what for?

You stand in the grass, surrounded by trees and rose bushes. The flowers are just in bloom, blossoming towards you, as if you were the sun itself. The skies are clear of clouds and the sun shines down, but it isn’t beating. Butterflies flutter and graze above the ground, but they don’t get close enough to you. The birds are chirping lightly, sounding like a song’s melody. The air is fresh and the aura is soothing.

As you walk through, you start to soak in the aroma. To the side, you notice a small hill with, no doubt, the best view. A picnic blanket is laid out, along with plates and other objects.

Someone else is also there.

It’s a familiar figure, but you can’t make out who it is from the distance.

You call out. “Hello?”

The figure turns and there Wonwoo sits. He has his glasses intact, but, instead of the casual wear, he’s a bit more dressed up—his white button-up showcases his nicely built chest and his slacks reveals how long his legs are.

He smiles at you, white pearls sparkling and eyes shining—you feel as if it’s almost like the buds have bloomed as well. For a moment, you think you’re stuck in a picture.

And then the wind blows, brushing his hair against his forehead.

“Are you coming, (Y/N)?”

---

Your eyes shoot open. The warmness in your chest is gone and is replaced by the coldness of your sheets. You shift under the covers and attempt to sit up.

The grogginess stays, but one thing remains in your mind—what was that and why did the dream change?

It’s 11:15am once again and you sit at your unofficial reserved spot. Your head lies on the desk, awaiting for the other students and your professor to arrive at the lecture hall. Tiredness continues to overpower you as your eyes consistently flutter to shut and reopen.

A knock on the table interrupts your attempted naptime. You look up to see Wonwoo’s face above yours. He gives you a small smile as he sets his bag on the seat next to yours. From his presence, you sit yourself up and rub your eyes, in an attempt to wake yourself.

“Are you tired?” he asks.

You can feel yourself internally curling from his close proximity. “Yeah, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

He lets out a small, airy laugh. With a shake of his head, he jokes. “Still getting nightmares about me murdering you?”

A blush creeps up to your face. “Ha… Not really,” you say. It’s not like it’s a lie, but it’s not exactly the truth. You unconsciously move yourself a bit further from him as you recall the image of him surrounded by roses. “It’s probably just insomnia—bad sleeping habits most likely piled up.”

He nods, humming along as you speak. He rummages through his bag, pulling out his laptop and notebook. His side profile is illuminated through the sunshine that’s reflected on the window. He looks like he’s sparkling…

You quickly turn away as soon as he moves his head towards your direction. God, you were starting to stare a lot more than usual. You shake your head as you try to refocus on what you were doing.

What were you doing?

Closing your eyes, you try to regain your train of thought—only for you to lose it immediately after. You eventually decide to pull out your laptop and open up your lecture notes. On another tab, you see the essay that you’ve already turned in.

“Oh,” you say. You turn back to Wonwoo, “I almost forgot, did your essay turn out okay?”

“Yeah, it took a little bit of editing but I turned it in on time.”

“I’m sure it turned out great,” you say. “You’re definitely getting an A.” He gives you another shy smile and his cheeks start to blush. You shift into your seat, trying to find a comfortable position. “You’re really smart anyways,” you mumble.

“What?”

“Nothing,” you say. “Nothing at all.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re getting an A too,” he says. “It was really well put together. At least, from what I remember.”

“Ehh.” You shrug your shoulders. “We’ll see.”

“Give yourself more credit, (Y/N),” he says in a softer tone. “You’re really smart and it’s okay for you to brag.” He turns his attention back to his laptop. His red ears have made a return.

On the other hand, you position yourself in your seat to straighten up and hide your smile. You take the opportunity to glance around, noticing the other students who’ve entered the lecture hall. Others are starting to enter as well.

You check the time on your laptop and it looks like it’s time for class to begin. Your professor arrives as well and sets up her materials.

“Open up your textbooks and turn to page 304. We’ll start with the four categories of ethical theories.”

Without turning from your laptop screen, your hand hovers over the textbook in your bag, but Wonwoo’s whisper interrupts your movement.

“Did you forget your book? I’ll share mine with you.”

You should probably say no, but your hand speaks for you, moving away from the bag. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

He gives another smile, leaning closer as he scoots the book towards you. Your professor continues to lecture, going over the slide’s content, but you can’t concentrate—not when Wonwoo’s this close. He smells like fresh laundry, the kind that you want to wrap yourself in before the warmth is gone. When you look at him, the sparkles return, along with the image of him from your dreams.

“Hold up,” Seungkwan says. “Yongsun thought that water is the weakest element? It’s clearly fire.”

“That’s what I said!” Mingyu yells. He sighs in disappointment from the recollection of the conversation and moves his strawberry milkshake to the side. “Fire is just a stupid element that can be destroyed by water AND all living things need water in order to survive. There are so many benefits to water and—” He stops himself with another sigh and takes a long sip of his milkshake.

Next to him, you shake your head with a small laugh. Taking a fry from your plate for a bite, you can only observe and let the conversation take its course. While your focus remains on the other two, your eyes glance over towards Wonwoo, who sits in front of you.

“I think earth is debatable,” Wonwoo says. “But, I feel like fire is the weakest due to the fact that it’s more destructive rather than productive.”

While the essay was already due, Seungkwan invited you to dinner at a nearby diner. You figured that it’d be nice to not eat dining hall food for once, so you agreed. But when you got there, you didn’t expect Mingyu and Wonwoo to already be there—hence your current position in front of Wonwoo, next to Mingyu, in a booth, while they’re arguing about the strongest element.

You blame Yongsun and Chaeyoung for this chaos; if they hadn’t pulled him into this conversation, he wouldn’t have brought it up now—which also dragged Seungkwan and Wonwoo into the discourse.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” you say. You continue to gnaw away at your fries, even when all three of their eyes land on you. Typically you’d refuse to engage in these conversations, but you refuse to let them walk around without an argument.

Seungkwan clears his throat, as if he was asking you to elaborate. Meanwhile, Mingyu continues to sip on his shake and Wonwoo has an eyebrow raised.

You let out a sigh from the eyes and toss the half-bitten french fry back to your plate before speaking. “You can argue that fire is the weakest, but we cook with fire and that’s what allowed our society to thrive because we started to have less time devoted to farming.”

Seungkwan and Mingyu’s jaws slightly drop from your point, while Wonwoo smiles.

“We can technically live without fire,” Seungkwan says. “We can go back to farming and let the animals thrive.”

“First of all, cold temperatures are a thing and fire provides warmth. Secondly, did you not hear me? Cooking gave us more time to further develop society, so, without it, we would figuratively and literally be unable to live.”

“She’s got a point,” Wonwoo says.

“Thank you.”

Seungkwan’s mouth moves, but no words find their way out.

“Wow, I left Boo Seungkwan speechless,” you say, as you begin to finish off your fries. “You’re welcome.”

Mingyu looks on impressively. “Niceeee.”

“That’s a very hard feat,” Wonwoo says. “I’ll give you points for that.”

Seungkwan has suddenly regained interest from Wonwoo’s words. He leans his chin on his hand, moving uncomfortably closer to Wonwoo, who attempts to swat him away. “When did you two get along so well?”

“We have class together,” you say with narrowed eyes.

“And I sit right next to her,” Wonwoo adds.

Mingyu smiles slyly. “Since when did that happen?”

You miss the way he looks over to Seungkwan. Wonwoo blinks at the question and you suddenly have developed more interest towards the salt on the fries.

“I feel like we shouldn’t be here,” Seungkwan says.

“You invited me,” you say. “But okay.”

“I know that,” he says with a huff. “But it just feels like a moment we shouldn’t be in.”

You roll your eyes in response, but the smile on your face shows no malice. Wonwoo remains quiet—scratching his neck, feeling the heat creep up to his face.

“So, are you dating yet?” Mingyu asks as he glances between you two.

“Oh my God,” Wonwoo mutters. He lays his face onto the table with a thud and you almost choke from Mingyu’s directiveness.

Mingyu goes on, ignoring both of your reactions. “You both like each other right? Well, at least, I know Wonwoo does.”

“DUDE!”

“Oops.” Mingyu’s lips pull back. He turns to Seungkwan. “Should we leave now?”

“Please don’t,” Wonwoo whispers.

Your jaw drops as you watch Seungkwan nod, smiling at you like nothing’s happened. Seungkwan and Mingyu side out of their side of the booth, but. before they leave, Mingyu drops one hand on each of your shoulders. “Don’t worry about the check. Consider it a present from your cupids.”

“You owe me one, (Y/N)!” Seungkwan shouts from the door. They both head towards the door, giving both of you little waves with their fingers.

Both you and Wonwoo sit in silence, not knowing what to say to the other. But, in all fairness, Wonwoo owes you the explanation.

You swallow, suddenly feeling your throat dry up. “If it makes you feel better…”

He looks up at you from the table.

“I like you too.”

A smile grows on his face and he starts to sit up slowly. “Really?”

“What can I say?” Your smile mirrors his. “My subconscious chose you before I could.”

He lets out a chuckle, readjusting his glasses and fiddling with his fingers, before settling them on the diner table. They’re free from the usual sweater paws and tap against the bright countertop.

“Just to be clear,” he says. “You aren’t scared of me?”

“Well, I was before,” you pause. “But that was before we even really talked or hung out. And now….”

“What about now?”

You blush, remembering the roses, the sparkling, the picnic—it all sounds so… nice. You couldn’t think of the words and Wonwoo could sense that.

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”

A sigh of relief escapes you. “Maybe next time then.”

His smile grows. “So, there’s a next time?”

You nod, feeling the butterflies in your stomach and your heart pounds in your chest. His hand moves towards you, closer and with caution—so yours meets his halfway. When your fingers intertwine, he looks from your hands to you with sparkling eyes and you can feel the warmth return to your chest.

This.

This is what feels right.

127 notes · View notes

kirankickskancer · 3 years

Text

Halfway.

I am officially halfway through chemo - I have completed 4 rounds of Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide, and survived the havoc it has wrecked on my body. I feel weary, not just physically but also mentally. It has already been a long haul and there is a lot of fight left to fight. But right now, as I lie awake in bed at 3am because I was so tired that I slept at 9pm, and also because I drink so much water that I have to pee like a racehorse in the middle of the night, I am allowing myself to feel victorious. I made it through the hardest part of treatment. My body fought hard for me every time it was pumped with poison and more cells were killed. My nail beds darkened, my nose hair fell so my nose was constantly dripping, my brain was only half working most of the time and the worst part of all was being incapacitated by tiredness, in all it’s various forms.

There is chemo-induced tiredness the first week when you cannot get out of bed and you don’t even have the mental energy to read or watch a show. Then there is the extreme fatigue related to low white-blood cell count exactly one week after chemo which feels like complete and utter depletion - your brain is back online but your body has been zapped like a character in a video game that is on its lowest energy bar. Finally there is the cumulative effect of all four rounds that makes you feel like you have aged a million years and need to sit down after doing anything. This is the worst one because I don’t know when it will get better and it means I can’t play with the kids the way I used to. I’m missing out on their summer: trips to the pool, playing in our new backyard, exploring the town, fruit-picking, play dates, day trips, beach trips - I can’t do any of the things we did last summer and it stinks. Whatever precious energy I have I reserve for them and I am so grateful on the days I feel well enough to even spend a few hours a day playing with them like I used to.

So here is my list of advice for anyone else who has to go through AC. (This may be TMI for anyone else!)

1. The nurse will tell you to take either Zofran or Compazine for the nausea. Take both! Be as aggressive as possible with the anti-nausea meds. I also started taking Omeprazole twice a day for the heartbearn and acid reflux after a terrible Round 2. Even then, be prepared for constant stomach discomfort. I had to change the way I eat to smaller frequent meals because it felt like everything I ate was about to come right back up.

2. There will be days you have diarrhea and constipation on the same day. Your digestive system will be a mess, keep track of your BM (bowel movements) like they tell you to. Err on the side of constipation because diarrhea sucks. I started off taking Senna every night but ended up with diarrhea. Then I only took it on days I didn’t poop.

3. Definitely suck ice chips during the Adriamycin infusion so you can preserve some feeling in your tongue. And invest in a big insulated water bottle with a straw. Your body wants you to hydrate and I was constantly thirsty and didn’t feel like drinking anything but ice-cold water which I sipped all day. I hate getting up in the middle of the night to pee and find it so hard to fall back asleep so right before bed I would use my Biotene dry mouth spray instead of drinking water and some nights I actually slept right through.

4. You will spend a lot of time with your thoughts as you lie in bed and the rest of the world goes about their business. Make them happy ones. Try not to Google yourself into a rabbit hole of depression with search terms like Metastatic Breast Cancer (1 in 3 cases of breast cancer end up metastatic, FYI.)

5. I love food so I would eat even on days I wasn’t hungry. It gave me a sense of normalcy to eat with the family. Texture becomes important when you start losing your sense of taste, I felt like eating crunchy foods. Fruit is great for hydrating when you don’t feel like drinking, yay for summer watermelon. You may want to over salt your food to compensate for taste, try squeezing limes instead. Eat whatever you feel like and whatever makes you happy not what you think you should be eating or what people tell you you should be eating. You have the rest of your life to make lifestyle changes. Right now you are in survival mode.

6. Aromatherapy. Your sense of smell changes dramatically so get things that make your room and your body smell nice. For me this was possibly the worst side effect. My own body smelled terrible to me. The smell in my room made me nauseated. I can’t explain it but everything smelled unfamiliar and toxic. Candles helped and so did being outside in the fresh air. Neutral smelling body products like talcum powder or kids Honest body wash also helped.

7. When you’re lying in bed all day, it’s hard to get a good nights sleep at the end of the day. Get some exercise if you can. If not, smoke some weed or have melatonin. It’s no fun being awake alone at night. See 4 above.

8. Friends. You need them more than you think you do. Text, call, visit, reach out. Your family is amazing and you couldn’t do this without them but no one can lift your spirits or distract you like good friends can. Work also helped me feel normal. There is a time for wallowing and then there is a time to just get on with your life.

9. Your newly bald scalp will feel sensitive. Buy some caps because it feels cold when you’re used to having a full head of hair. Buy a neck pillow because you will be sitting up in bed a lot. I hate my wig because it feels like I am pretending to be someone I’m not. You will wear it for others not yourself. Mosquitos love bald heads.

10. Love yourself. Love your body. Love your fighting spirit. If I could go back and tell me pre-cancer self anything, it would be that she is perfect. The extra pounds don’t matter, the house doesn’t have to be clean, the kids can watch all the TV they want, it’s okay. Self-care is not indulgence, it’s necessary. Treat yourself as you would treat the most important person in the world, because you are.

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maximumsunshine · 3 years

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I think some of you who suffer from insomnia really should consider 2nd and even 3rd shift jobs if you haven't already. Some of us are built to keep watch at night. Why fight it? I used to have the worst insomnia when I was trying to fall asleep by 11pm and wake up to work a 9-5. But now I work 3pm-11 and don't even try to fall asleep until like 3am and more often than not I instantly fall asleep. I then wake up around 11am well rested and am good to go. Granted, I take melatonin about 2 hours before I try to sleep. But that sure as shit wasn't saving my ass when I had the 9-5.

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crowstan · 3 years

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Alright, so I actually did this last night while I was waiting for the melatonin to kick in, and I couldn’t post it because Tumblr decided that I can only post once a month on the mobile browser, so it’s honestly really late. Anyway, spoilers for My True Identity! | Sanders Sides, which is also linked because! Snazzy.

**Reminder!!** These are just my opinions and feelings, and aren’t factual at all! There are also instances of tone indicators in different spots as well, as those are something I use frequently in notes and pm’s. I also tried to keep cussing down to an absolute minimum, but in cases where I felt it was better to not change it, the words will be censored. THis is also a direct copy n paste, all i did was censor things a bit better.

-holy SH*T stuffed animals!! yes!!

-"SNOOZE!" ndhfhfjfhdhdhdh moooooood

-oh that intro title was snazzy!!

-jdjdjdj ok i was not expecting immediate noise, i shall note that next video

-jdjdjdj same man, same. sometimes you can't help but over share

-i KNEW there was theater!! yes!!

-"do i really know myself as well as i should? " uhhh, technically the self is a projection and a social construct but does anyone really? (/hj)

-got distracted because dream lover started to play from my playlist so i was kinda vibing for a bit before i continued lmao

-"hello there class!" djfhdhjf l o g a n!!! yes!! class time!! we gonna learn some mf stuffs about ourselves today!!

-in all seriousness, learning is fun unless it's about me lmaoo, I'm the only topic i hate, as much as i talk about it

-"this is my intellectual side! every fact that I've ever learned."

"believe it or not i was quite the nerd in school! "

"I'm pretty sure that's a surprise to no one" lmfaoooOOO sjjdjdjd?? that's legit hella funny ngl?? reads like the last two brain cells but one is v drunk

-djddjdj the sass. why is. roman sassy.

-also fanciful?? wow that's a word!! i like that word, imma steal it /hj

-"what's going on kiddos?" JFJFJFJRJR KIDDOS. I LOVE THAT WORD SM. Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT WORD

-"I also represent your unabashed love of dad jokes." ??? me??? mood???

-ok ngl that kinda self aware joke??? yes. yes. y e s.

-thomas points out that most people know him from vine! this is correct he made AWESOME vines don't @ me please

-jdjdjf r o m a n. just called thomas o u t

-yes i am still aware this is all one person shhhh lemme sort the stuff n do the things n make them just slightly separate from each other

-thomas is really good with his characters and my knowledge that it's all him will not stop my awe of how well the characterization is because the instant you see each side? you can immediately tell they are carried differently than the others. that is HARD and i will appreciate that

-hfjdje WAIT THEY EACH HAVE A DIFFERENT DIALECT. THAT'S SO????? RHRHHRNRNR THAT'S HEL L A

-"Wouldn't want to be our own villain, would we?" uh, you're not supposed to do that? /j

-jdjdjdjdjd ideal. i would also like that in a person. except less cartoons n more whatever obscure video i find. did you know that an ultra shortcut works by hitting all the correct key check points in the right order, but without doing it as intended? Apparently the boundaries can overlap and the game thinks you progressed correctly! i think the coconut mall ultra shortcut is the coolest and i wish we knew more about it. this has been mini info dump with james, thank you for tuning in

-patton: asks a deep question that takes a lot of self knowledge to answer

also patton: hey, we have the same glasses!!

-why is that me at 3am

-jfjfjfjfjfjfjjf?? he mentioned we may have harder questions about ourselves like our gender or sexuality?? i funkimg STAN sm

-"where do babies come from?"

"you're a father"

"well, i know it has something to do with storks"

-GOSH i love patton!! he is my official favorite now, i don't take criticism at all on this topic

-"Am i right tony?"

"not my name"

"then what is it?" jdjfjfjdjr me after i come out as trans n ppl don't know my name

- a a a smol hamster, a tiny ladsy

-"youtubes" djdjdn sometimes i say that, huh

-DHJFJFJR GUYS GALS AND NON BINARY PALS DJFJFJFJRJRIIEIEISISJDHD!!!

-the end card with patton??? a mood. a M O O D

(written: December 1, 2020, 23:49)

#sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #ts spoilers #spoilers #efgesfhsd i still don't know how to tag these!#do i add anything about this being a review?#are there any more tags for spoilers??#I have no clue! I just pray that ppl scroll by if they see that I add that it has spoilers in several spots #anyway gonna watch episode two now #and maybe three #and four

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maximelebled · 3 years

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2019 & 2020

Hello everyone! So yeah, this yearly blog post is about three... four months late... it covers two years now.

I did have a lot of things written last year, last time, but the more things have changed, the more I’ve realized that a lot of things I talked about on here... were because I lacked enough of a social life to want to open up on here.

In a less awkwardly-phrased way, what I’m saying is, I was coping.

Not an easy thing to admit to in public by any means, but I reckon it’s the truth. Over the past two years, I’ve made more of an effort to build better & healthier friendships, dial back my social media usage a bit (number 1 coping strategy), not tie all my friendships to games I play, especially Dota (number 2 coping strategy), so that I could be more emotionally healthy overall.

Pictured: me looking a whole lot like @dril on the outside, although not so much on the inside. (Photo by my lovely partner.)

To some degree, I believe it’s important to be able to talk about yourself a bit more openly in a way that is generally not encouraged nor made easy on other social networks (looking at you, Twitter). I know that 2010-me would be scared to approach 2020-me; and it’s my hope that what I am writing here would not help him with that, but also help him become less of an insecure dweeb faster. 😉

Not that recent accomplishments have stopped me from being any less professionally anxious. Sometimes the impostor syndrome just morphs into... something else.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is, the first reason it took me until this year to finish last year’s post is because, with my shift in perspective, and these realizations about myself, I do want to keep a lot more things private... or rather, it’s that I don’t feel the need to share them anymore? And that made figuring out what to write a fair bit harder.

The other reason I didn’t write sooner is because, in 2018, I wrote my "year in review” post right before I became able to talk about my then-latest cool thing (my work on Valve’s 2018 True Sight documentary). So I then knew I’d have to bring it up in the 2019 post. But then, I was asked to work on the 2019 True Sight documentary, and I know it was going to air in late January 2020, so I was like, “okay, well, whatever, it, I’ll just write this yearly recap after that, so I don’t miss the coach this time”. So I just ended up delaying it again until I was like... “okay, whatever, I’ll just do both 2019 and 2020 in a single post.”

I think I can say I’ve had the privilege of a pretty good 2019, all things considered. And also of a decent 2020, given the circumstances. Overall, 2019 was a year of professional fulfillment; here’s a photo taken of me while I was managing the augmented reality system at The International 2019! (The $35 million dollar Dota 2 tournament that was held, this that year, in Shanghai.)

If I’d shown this to myself 10 years ago it would’ve blown my mind, so I guess things aren’t all that bad...!

I’ve brought up two health topics in these posts before: weight & sleep.

As for the first, the situation is still stable. If it is improving, it is doing so at a snail’s pace. But quite frankly, I haven’t put in enough effort into it overall. Even though I know my diet is way better than it was five or six years ago, I’ve only just really caught up with the “how it should have been the entire time” stage. It is a milestone... but not necessarily an impressive one. Learning to cook better things for myself has been very rewarding and fulfilling, though. It’s definitely what I’d recommend if you need to find a place to start.

As for sleep, throughout 2019, I continued living 25-hour days for the most part. There were a few weeks during which I slowed down the process, but it continued on going. Then, in late December of 2019, motivated by the knowledge that sleep is such a foundational pillar of your health, I figured I really needed to take things seriously, and I managed to go on a three month streak of mostly-stable sleep! (See the data above.)

Part of what helped was willingly stopping to use my desktop computer once it got too late in the day, avoiding Dota at the end of the day as much as possible, and anything exciting for that matter... and, as much as that sounds like the worst possible stereotype, trying to “listen to my body” and recognizing when I was letting stress and anxiety build up inside me, and taking a break or trying to relax.

Also, a pill of melatonin before going to bed; but even though it’s allegedly not a problem to take melatonin, I figured I should try to rely on it as little as possible.

Unfortunately, that “good sleep” streak was abruptly stopped by a flu-like illness... it might have been Covid-19. The symptoms somewhat matched up, but I was lucky: they were very mild. I fully recovered in just over a week. I coughed a bit, but not that much. If it really was that disease, then I got very lucky.

(Pictured: another photo by my lovely SO, somewhere in Auvergne.)

My sleep continued to drift back to its 25-hour rhythm, and I only started resuming these efforts towards the fall... mostly because living during the night felt like a better option with the summer heat (no AC here). I thought about doing that the other way (getting up at 3am instead of going to bed at 7am), and while it’d make more sense temperature-wise, that would have kept me awake when there were practically no people online, and I was trying to have a better social life then, even if had to be purely online due to the coronavirus, so... yeah.

I’ve been working from home since 2012! I also lived alone for a number of years since then. For the most part, it hasn’t been a great thing for my mental health. Having had a taste of what being in an office was like thanks to a couple weeks in the Valve offices, I had the goal of beginning to apply at a few places here and there in March/April. Then the pandemic hit, so those plans are dead in the water. I wanted 2020 to be the year in which I’d finally stop being fully remote, but those plans are now dead in the water.

Now, at the end of the year, I don’t really know if I want to apply at any places. There’s a small handful of studios whose work really resonates with me, creatively speaking, and whose working conditions seem to be alright, at least from what I hear... but, and I swear I’m saying this in the least braggy way possible... there’s very little that beats having been able to work on what I want, when I want, and how much I want.

This kind of freelance status can be pretty terrifying sometimes, but I’ve managed (with some luck, of course) to reach a safe balance, a point at which I’ve effectively got this luxury of being able to only really work on what I want, and never truly overwork myself (at least by the standards of most of the gaming industry). It’s a big privilege and I feel like it’d take a lot to give it up.

Besides the things I mentioned before, one thing I did that drastically improved my mental health was being introduced to a new lovely group of friends by my partner! I started playing Dungeons & Dragons with them, every weekend or so! And in the spirit of a rising tide lifting all boats, I managed to also give back to our lovely DM, by being a sort of “AM” (audio manager)... It’s been great having something to look forward to every week.

Something to look forward to... I’ve heard about the concept of “temporal anchors”. I had heard about how the reason our adult years suddenly pass by in a blur is because we now have more “time” that’s already in our brains, but now I’m more convinced that it’s because we’re going from a very school routine such as the one schools impose upon us, to, well... practically nothing.

I thought most of my years since 2011 have been a blur, but none have whooshed by like 2020 has, and I reckon part of that is because I’ve (obviously) gone out far far less, and most importantly there wasn’t The Big Summer Event That The International Is, the biggest yearly “temporal anchor” at my disposal. The anticipation and release of those energies made summer feel a fair bit longer... and this year, summer was very much a blur for me. In and out like the wind.

I guess besides that, I haven’t really had that much trouble with being locked down. I had years of training for that, after all. Doesn’t feel like I can complain. 😛

(Pictured: trip to Chicago in January of 2019... right when the polar vortex hit!)

Work was good in 2019, and sparser in 2020. Working with Valve again after the 2018 True Sight was a very exciting opportunity. At the time, in February of 2019, I was out with my partner on little holiday trips around my region, and, after night fell, on the way back, we decided to stop in a wide open field, on a tiny countryside path, away from the cities, to try and do some star-gazing, without light pollution getting in the way.

And it’s there and then that I received their message, while looking at the stars with my SO! The timing and location turned that into a very vivid memory...

I then got to spend a couple weeks in their offices in late April / early May. I was able to bring my partner along with me to Washington State, and we did some sightseeing on the weekends.

(Pictured: part of a weekend trip in Washington. This was a dried up lakebed.)

After that, I worked on the Void Spirit trailer in the lead to The International. In August, those couple weeks in Shanghai were intense. Having peeked behind the curtain and seen everything that goes into production really does give me a much deeper appreciation for all the work that goes unseen.

Then after that, in late 2019, there was my work on the yearly True Sight documentary, for the second time. In 2018, I’d been tasked with making just two animated sequences, and I was very nervous since that was my first time working directly with Valve; my work then was fairly “sober”, for lack of a better term.

(Pictured: view from my hotel room in Shanghai.)

For the 2019 edition, I had double the amount of sequences on my plate, and they were very trusting of me, which was very reassuring. I got to be more technically ambitious, I let my style shine through (you know... if it’s got all these gratuitous light beams, etc.), and it was real fun to work on.

At the premiere in Berlin, I was sitting in the middle of the room (in fact, you could spot me in the pre-show broadcast behind SirActionSlacks; unfortunately I had forgotten to bring textures for my shirt). Being in that spot when my shots started playing, and hearing people laughing and cheering at them... that’s an unforgettable memory. The last time I had experienced something like that was having my first Dota short film played at KeyArena in 2015, the laughter of the crowd echoing all around me... I was shaking in my seat. Just remembering it gets my heart pumping, man. It’s a really unique feeling.

So I’m pretty happy with how that work came out. I came out of it having learned quite a few new tricks too, born out of necessity from my technical ambitions. Stuff I intend to put to use again. I’m really glad that the team I worked with at Valve was so kind and great to work with. After the premiere, I received a few more compliments from them... and I did reply, “careful! You might give me enough confidence to apply!”, to which one of them replied, “you totally should, man.” But I still haven’t because I’m a massive idiot, haha. Well, I still haven’t because I don’t think I’m well-rounded enough yet. And also because, like I alluded to before, I think I’m in a pretty good situation as it is.

It’s not the first encouragements I had received from them, too; there had been a couple people from the Dota team who, at the end of my two week stay in the offices, while I was on my way out, told me I should try applying. But again, I didn’t apply because I’m a massive idiot.

(Pictured: view from the Valve offices.)

To be 200% frank, even though there’s been quite a few people who’ve followed my work throughout the years, comments on Reddit and YouTube, etc. who’ve all said things along the lines of “why aren’t you working for them ?”, well... it’s not something I ever really pursued. I know it’s a lot of people’s dream job, but I never saw it that way. I feel like, if it ever happened to me... sure, that could be cool! But I don’t know if it’s something I really want, or even that I should want?

And if you add “being unsure” to what I consider to be a lack of experience in certain things, well... I really don’t think I’d be a good candidate (yet?), and having seen how busy these people are on the inside, the last thing I want to do is waste their time with a bad application. That would be the most basic form of courtesy I can show to them.

Besides, Covid-19 makes applying to just about any job very hard, if not outright impossible right now. And for a while longer, I suspect.

(Pictured: the Tuilière & Sanadoire rocks.)

I’m still unhappy about the amount of “actual animation” I get to do overall since I like to work on just about every step of the process in my videos, but well. It’s getting better. One thing I am happy with though, is “solving problems”. And new challenges. Seeking the answers to them, and making myself be able to see those problems, alongside entire projects, from a more “holistic” way, that is to say, not missing the forest for the trees.

It’s hard to explain, and even just the use of the term “holistic” sounds like some kind of pompous cop-out... but looking back on how I handled projects 5 years ago vs. now, I see the differences in how I think about problems a lot. And to some extent I do have my time on Valve contracts to thank a LOT in helping me progress there.

Anyway, I’m currently working on a project that I’m very interested & creativefuly fulfilled by. But it has nothing to do with animation nor Dota, for a change! There are definitely at least two other Dota short films I want to make, though. We’ll see how that goes.

Happy new year & take care y’all.

#year in review

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