#i still have dreams with my mom in them and they r very frequent

[olderthannetfic]

I mean i can try-- god knows I've wondered which fucking wires crossed in my brain many many times myself-- but i can't promise I'll come to anh interesting conclusions.

I honestly think I had some kind of predisposition to like vore because i can't remember a time where I started liking it, only realizing that I did, long long LONG before i had any concept of what that meant. For me, personally, the vore part is a big part but it all very much falls under the endosoma umbrella-- the general fascination with the inside of the body, and implied fascination with being inside the body of someone else.

I kinda think that stems at least to some degree from my craving for physical affection? Big big big on physical touch, me; and my mother joked that when I was a toddler I would burrow into a hug as if I were trying to crawl inside the person holding me. It tracks.

So I was all of 5 or whatever and already deeply clingy and showing the beginning signs of an anxiety disorder. And then I got to see the magic school bus for lunch fir the first time and Huh why are fireworks going off behind my eyes

Istg I watched that movie so much as I kid it was absurd. I couldn't explain why it stuck to me so much, I didn't have the vocabulary or the comprehension, I was just Fascinated. I would dream of different scenarios that could have changed the direction the movie went, I dove face first into researching the human digestive system because maybe that's what I was so curious about and i was homeschooled so it was as simple as asking my mom what they were talking about. My sister, rwo years younger than me, had started a 'game' around that time that was essentially stories around the campfire where one of us would come up with an idea and the other would continue it and we'd tell stories that way-- and we had I think three of those that were various characters from our favorite movies eating each other. We still didn't know what we were doing, of course; it was just hilarious to us. Very 'throw blorbo in a situation' behavior, especially because neither of us had any interest in the fatal aspect-- i can't really speak for her, but for me, it was always about being inside another person. Being cradled. Being contained. Being protected.

The budding anxiety disorder definitely had an effect, and only got stronger as ~shit happened~ and a budding anxiety disorder blossomed into c-ptsd 🙃 I spent most of my childhood feeling utterly and completely unsafe, insecure in the most fundamental ways. And the idea of being eaten and held and hidden appealed r e a l l y powerfully.

An interesting angle to pin on this is I'm some level of demisexual-- and vore wasn't a very kinky kink for me for a long long time. It's much more so now, now that I'm older and a bit more in touch with my own brand of sensuality/sexuality, but I would have considered it a platonic-to-sex-neutral kink by name only from about the time of the epiphany to around... eh. 20ish? Maybe as late as 21, 22 even. And even now it is Still much more about the feeling of protection, of safety, of being wanted and held and cradled and intimately known that appeals the most to me. If i want to get off to it I look up object vore fics and videos of people swallowing real-ass things, vasefillers and marbles and cameras, because I still very much have an Endosoma Thing and a fierce oral fixation. But Vore vore? That's mostly a self comforting thing. Not always. I can definitely be turned on by a good vore fic and I am frequently turned on by good vore videos because the visual of internals is Big for me, but its usually a sexless thing? Usually. There are exceptions.

If it's a character I'm already attracted to that's it I'm a goner and I would like them to hurry the fuck up and eat me already. I'm very strongly 'prey-oriented' and would much prefer to Be Eaten than to Eat-- but I could go either way, depending. I'll run into a bit of art of a character inside a cup of boba (totally not referencing something that happened the other day aha) that the artist clearly meant innocently and lose my shit on discord to the fistful of friends who know the intricacies of my crossed wires fjdjdkdk the vore fixation and the oral fixation absolutely 100% bounce off each other and make each other worse, I can tell you that much.

Does any of that answer your questions, fellow anon?

(I wish I could send asks from the sideblog, I genuinely wouldn't mind attaching at least that name to this in the name of research and answering questions-- it's science if you write it down, no? But my main is mostly sfw, alas.)

--

[tryst-art-archive]

Dec. 2012: "Still" Revision

My very first memory is of a dream. In it, there is a baby that I instinctively know is me, and I am a bodiless consciousness floating outside of her, looking at her glare at her surroundings and wave her piggy arms and legs. She’s strapped into a car seat—white with primary-colored polka dots gathered together like the Wonder Bread logo—that is set on a long, folding, plastic faux wood table in a dim, marbled function hall of linoleum tiling and ugly, striped wallpaper with fake electric candle sconces. There are shadows all around her, falling onto her curled fists, and there is the hubbub of a familial gathering, all laughing and talking relatives—my relatives: the shadows belong to my maternal grandmother and my great-aunts. They are loudly chuckling and chatting and discretely chugging wine, and I know that this is some kind of party for me, about me, to do with this baby on the table who is me but who I am outside of, staring down, disliking.

I was five when I had this dream, and I woke up from it in a room painted Strawberry Fields pink with an ugly salmon carpet and a faux wood door. I didn’t know who I was. My mind was utterly blank. There was nothing but absence within it, a feeling that I should know this place, should know myself, should remember something, but I didn’t, and I stared at the far wall, bolt upright in my tiny twin bed with its glow-in-the-dark dinosaur sheets and Barbie princess pillowcase, clutching those fossils in two upraised fists.

It seemed like a long time that I sat like that, but it must have been only a few seconds. Facts began to pour back into me. My name—R[...] R[...] M[...], just like that, as you’d write it at the top of a test—then my phone number and my address, just as you’d recite them to a police officer if you were lost. My spreadsheet—all facts and figures with not an ounce of identity to them—filtered back into me, and as it did I got out of bed and walked slowly, stunned, to the door. It opened out into the kitchen—and that transition felt familiar and new at the same time. At the wooden kitchen table there was a woman with dark brown hair like mine and a sad mouth like mine and deeper, blacker eyes than mine. She was reading a small novel, and she looked up at me as I walked out. She almost smiled but seemed to see something wrong so that the smile became concern, and she asked or said something with a question mark—something like “Good morning, honey...?”—and still dazed I didn’t answer. I looked at her, and I thought, clearly, slowly, and deliberately, “This Is MOM,” and I sat in the chair next to her and curled up as she turned toward me.

When I was seven, I spent most of my nights trying to imagine death. After a couple of years of religious education classes after mass on Sundays,  I had slowly become convinced that the notion of Heaven and Hell was impossible; it just didn’t make sense from a logical standpoint. Animals couldn’t go to Heaven, and I could never be happy there without my cats; similarly, there was the question of what happened to Good People whose relatives or friends were Bad People and went to Hell. How could the Good People be happy without their relations? Heaven and Hell, as they had always been presented to me, could not be real.

As a child recently convinced that no afterlife awaited, I spent most of my bedtime, before I fell asleep, trying to imagine being dead. I would lie very still, like a plank, and close my eyes, and try to breathe as little as possible, holding stillness within myself. I would then will my entire personality away and try to embody, instead, someone who does not exist. It was, essentially, trying to not think—anyone who has been told expressly not to think of pink elephants will know how hard it is to then not think of a pink elephant, and this was just the same. It is a very hard thing to do, and I’d frequently get caught up in thinking of how dark or cold it was, being dead and not existing. That would be a terrifying, depressing thought until I’d realize that dead, nonexistent people can’t think or feel so I wouldn’t notice the dark or the cold when I died, and, in fact, I wouldn’t be thinking about anything at all “so stop doing that and get back to being dead.” I’d try to still everything within me again, but eventually thoughts would bubble up, and I’d quell them only to see them rise again a few minutes later, and this would carry on until I fell asleep.

When I was sixteen, I encountered reality for the first time. Until then, I had lived in a fog; my life felt like a dream to me, like a cottony substance that I drifted through. I absolutely had strong feelings and concrete thoughts and beliefs, but only one part of my mind lived by them. Another part examined the things I said and did and critiqued them, and that part of me believed that everything I was and everything I thought was irrelevant and meaningless. I didn’t see myself as making choices; I saw every choice I ever made as The Only Plausible Choice. I didn’t have free will: I more or less clicked “Accept” on life’s “Terms and Conditions.” Other people weren’t real to me, no more than I myself was. When I was little, I quite literally viewed myself as the center of the universe with all other people existing for my own entertainment. That illusion shattered and decimated my world following a move when I was ten, but people remained somehow less than tangible to me even afterward. They were definitely their own creatures existing for their own selves, but they were also not quite the same as me; they were something Other that could hurt or could help, and we were not connected at all. I was alone among aliens, living in a cloud. Life made about as much sense to me as dreams did, and I remembered them with equal vivacity. Both were immensely foggy recollections with but a few sharp details, and only a spare few of the events in either dream or in life actually settled into my permanent memory. From an outside perspective, I lived normally, if somewhat reclusively, but internally I felt as though my life and myself were unreal.

The moment in which this first lifted came on a weekday afternoon like any other. I was home alone, at the familial computer, role playing with my best friend when I felt the facts of my existence crash down on me. It manifested as a crushing weight which I visualized, at that time, as a series of tombstones stacking up on my back, ascending past the ceiling as a morbid skyscraper. It seemed as though the walls fell away from the room, and the world contracted, becoming nearly black-and-white and ready to crush me. I felt the absolute certainty of my impending and quickly approaching death; I had the complete knowledge that in a blink of an eye I would be wholly responsible for myself and that, really, I already was, that everything I existed as and everything I had ever done and everything I had ever felt was, one way or another, directly my fault, and that my continual unhappiness and malcontent were entirely my own construction and therefore mine to dismantle. I knew that life as it existed at that moment would disappear, that my cats and family and friends would all die and that all of those things were impermanent even without the threat of death, and I froze, stymied by the sudden knowledge that everything that was happening was real. That thought echoed in my mind—All of this is real—leaving me paralyzed and horrified, completely at a loss, because somehow that idea, that everything that I was living, that I myself, was, in fact, completely real, had never once occurred to me. Everything I did and everything I was had actual, tangible, real consequences, and not the cause-and-effect, imaginary aspect of a story. It was a new, startling, life-destroying thought, and I could not for the life of me fit it into my mind. I couldn’t even emotionally process the information—This is real. It is happening.—because it simply wasn’t possible.

All of this occurred within a second, and the moment passed as immediately and inexplicably as it had come. My dreamlike fog settled on me again, though thinner than before, and it was some days before the afterimage of the grave on my shoulders fully dissipated.

For a long time, I have wanted desperately to live in this world through someone else’s mind. I crave knowledge of experience beyond my own. I want to know what it’s like to be a man and have a penis, and I want to know what it’s like to be an extrovert who actually enjoys spending a lot of time with a lot of people and going to parties because those things are too exhausting for me to enjoy, although I so want to enjoy them. I want to understand the world through the eyes of the mentally and the physically ill and through those of the entirely healthy so that I can determine, first hand,  how much difference there actually is between the two. I want to live life as a cat and a fox and then a deer or a bird and a jellyfish and a shark or maybe an amoeba or a virus and thus understand the world and whether animals and humans are all that different because logically, biologically, we shouldn’t be. I want to be a plant and learn if they feel. I want to be a rock, and then I want to be a cloud, and then I want to go back to humans, complex as they are, and be a baby and an old geezer and not lose all of the associated memories, and I’d like to be President for a little while and a garbage man for a little while and a heroin addict for a little while and then every single person I know or have ever met, and I want to understand everything. I have always felt trapped inside here—not in my body, in my mind. There’s so much world out there, and I can only perceive a tiny sliver. I am physically incapable of exploring it fully, but I want to know it, and I’m endlessly frustrated by my inability to step out of my head and simply be someone or something else.

In an effort to attain that, I turned to writing fiction. My best friend and I spent most of our adolescent years inventing characters and playing their roles in text, creating an endless, interwoven story of small dramas and grand epics and parties and orgies and stolen moments of quiet intimacy—the kinds of things we were unable to experience in our actual lives. This role play died away as we neared eighteen and the possibility of experiencing some of those events firsthand emerged. Nonetheless, I held on to the characters we had made and began to create a new world, a fantasy realm that played by my rules and worked according to my logic. The characters within it were as real to me as the people I met and spoke to everyday. Often, when I was upset, I would huddle in the bottom of my shower and imagine my characters coming to me, comforting me, guiding me back to my daily humdrum. Walking the halls in high school, I would periodically feel as though they were following just behind me—I never saw or heard them as a hallucination, but simply felt within my mind that they were near, and I drew strength from that. What I wanted from life, I could not find in the reality that I could not feel, and so I invented my own. And within that reality I created a race of Narrators, people who had been born with the world, before it was solid, and who lived solely to observe and record. Their lives, their existence, was predicated on knowing; near-omniscience, I called it. When they were born into the world, they were floating consciousnesses in roiling lava; when life began to develop, the Narrators developed ways to take on temporary forms of their own, and when the new life evolved into more complex beings, the Narrators made paper and pen and ink, and they started to record, and they swore never to partake in events, only to watch them. Narrators: of the world, in the world, but not ever of it. The Narrator who would tell my stories, set in my invented world, I named Rhawen, after my online identity from when I was sixteen.

To this day, I fantasize about not existing. Not dying,  just disappearing out of reality like a ghost fading with the dawn or perhaps a consciousness afloat on the breeze, not bound to a set of emotions or chemical commands, not bound to thoughts even, but just seeing, just observing. I want to fade away into nothingness and be a dust mote on the wind; I want to become the third person omniscient narrator who does not exist and yet knows all, who does not feel or think and yet has all of the answers, all of the facts. I cannot know this place, our world, completely, from within it.

When I indulge in these fantasies I lie rigid in my bed with my eyes closed, trying to be still, right down to my breathing, emptying my mind of all personality and thought, attempting to attain a kind of impossible nonexistence. I invent some way to disappear, like a character exiting a novel, so that the perspective shifts and suddenly I am privy to my friends in their totality, hovering just outside of them, an incorporeal observer, and I watch them live out their lives, and I know it all, and then there is a melancholy contentment for me.

Inevitably, I lose the thread; it becomes a melodrama as my ego gets in the way: How do they react to my absence? What are their lives like without me? My mind creeps up on the manufactured void and fills it back up, diffusion in action, until it is all a fantasy of daydreamer’s proportions, a what-if story built on lurking desires and unfulfilled promises. The possibilities my nonexistence opens give way to the facts of my physical actuality, and I try to push them away, but they roll back in, the noise defeating the stillness every time, until, at last, I fall asleep, still solid, still R[...] R[...] M[...], written like a name at the top of a test.

#old writing #writing archive #prose #nonfiction #personal essay #depression #disassociation #derealization #suicide #suicidal ideation #death #afterlife #existential #early memory #10s #2012 #Age 21 #me

[kjack89]

TimeTravel! Au where established-relationship modern Enjoltaire accidentally go back in time to barricade day and meet canon-era-reluctant-frenemies Enjoltaire with a series of awkward misunderstandings. Or include all of the Amis, or a fluffy kidfic(or not, since they're in a middle of a warzone), idk you decide.

So I really let the ‘idk you decide’ do a lot of heavy lifting here in terms of what this prompt became. Sorry Nonny!

Time Travel AU (kinda/sorta), E/R, established and also not, Modern AU and also Canon. Referenced/implied canonical major character death.

The crowd was suffocating, a mass of bodies that jostled Grantaire from every side as he tried his best to push through, but he didn’t care. He had one singular goal: he had to get to Enjolras. 

He caught flashes through the crowd of Enjolras, using the hood of a car as a makeshift stage, shouting something into a megaphone that was drowned out by the roar of people, and though Grantaire’s temper was soured by having to shoulder his way through the masses just to get to his boyfriend, as always, even the briefest sight of Enjolras in his element was enough to make him smile.

A smile that quickly faded as Grantaire finally made it to the front of the crowd, only to see a platoon of police officers in full riot gear approaching.

“Enjolras!” Grantaire shouted, but his voice was lost over the noise of the crowd, especially as others had caught sight of the approaching cops. 

Enjolras glanced over his shoulder, his expression hardening as the police drew closer. “Citizens, stay calm,” he shouted through the megaphone, but the crowd was already beginning a panicked scattering.

Grantaire was knocked almost to the ground by folks trying to flee, and by the time he struggled to his feet, it was to see a police officer drawing up behind Enjolras, baton at the ready. “Enjolras!” Grantaire called, but it was too late: the police officer clubbed Enjolras in the legs, and Enjolras pitched forward, off of the hood of the car and out of Grantaire’s line of sight.

Grantaire’s blood ran cold, and he immediately started pushing back through the crowd, but he couldn’t seem to make any headway against the masses of people. His heart raced with pure terror as the cops all but surrounded the car that Enjolras had been standing on.

“No!” Grantaire screamed, clawing at the people dragging him in the opposite direction, away from where Enjolras had fallen. “No, Enjolras! Enjolras!”

He struggled in vain, wordless sobs punching from his chest as he watched a cop yank Enjolras upright by his hair, a trickle of blood running down Enjolras’s pale forehead. Somehow, Enjolras’s eyes found Grantaire in the crowd, and he mouthed something that Grantaire couldn’t quite make out. “No,” Grantaire gasped, as the cop raised his gun to Enjolras’s head.

And pulled the trigger.

“NO!”

Grantaire sat bolt upright in bed, his chest heaving, drenched in sweat. “Grantaire?” Enjolras asked sleepily. “Grantaire, what—”

He broke off when he saw the state Grantaire was in, sitting up immediately and gently touching Grantaire’s arm. “It’s ok,” he said, his voice quiet but firm, just loud enough to be heard over Grantaire’s harsh breathing. “You’re ok. It was just a nightmare.”

Grantaire swallowed, hard, and shook his head, but no words came. Instead he turned and buried his face against Enjolras’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of the man who was very clearly still alive, still here, still next to him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice muffled against Enjolras’s shirt.

“For what?” Enjolras asked, stroking Grantaire’s hair. “For having a nightmare? I’m not entirely sure that’s something you can really control…”

Grantaire shook his head again and pulled away from Enjolras. “No, for not getting to you in time,” he said hoarsely.

Enjolras frowned. “In your dream?” he asked, and Grantaire nodded. “What happened?” Grantaire made a face and Enjolras’s frown deepened. “You dreamed I died again.”

It wasn’t a question, and for good reason. This was the fifth or sixth time in the past few weeks that Grantaire had been besieged by nightmares of Enjolras being killed, frequently enough that it was becoming a habit. And not one of Grantaire’s fun habits.

Not that Enjolras would consider most of Grantaire’s habits fun, but that was an argument Grantaire supposed could wait for another day.

He realized a moment too late that Enjolras had asked him something, and blinked at him. “Sorry?” he said, his voice still hoarse.

“I said, who was it this time?”

Enjolras’s voice was light, almost joking, and Grantaire knew that he was trying to make him feel better, even if it didn’t actually do anything to slow his still-racing heart or calm his still-shaking hands. “Cops,” he said.

Enjolras didn’t look surprised, just nodding slowly. “EDCAB,” he said, pronouncing each letter with no small amount of venom, and Grantaire gave him a startled look. “Even Dream Cops Are Bastards.”

Grantaire half-smiled. “Pretty sure dream cops are included in the ‘all cops’ part of ACAB,” he said.

“Sure, but it doesn’t hurt to specify.” Grantaire didn’t laugh and Enjolras’s forehead puckered with concern. “This is becoming a pattern,” he said. “Maybe you should talk to someone about it.”

Grantaire made a noise in the back of his throat, imagining the field day his therapist would have with this revelation. “I am talking to someone,” he said dismissively.

But Enjolras didn’t so much as a crack a smile. “You know what I mean.” He ran a hand up and down Grantaire’s arm. “There’s only so many times that I can tell you that you’re worrying for nothing, that I’m perfectly safe, that nothing’s going to happen to me. Especially since your subconscious doesn’t appear to be getting the hint.”

“In fairness, my subconscious is probably a better judge of the relative danger you put yourself in than you are,” Grantaire muttered, sliding away from Enjolras and standing up, grabbing his t-shirt from where he had shed it the night before and shrugging it on. “Between the cops, the far-right groups—”

“Which are really one and the same,” Enjolras said sourly.

“—and the regular fringe groups with an axe to grind, and just the fact that you make a pretty easy target—”

Enjolras scowled. “Are you victim-blaming?” he asked.

Grantaire rolled his eyes, heading into the kitchen to start the coffee. “No,” he said. “But that doesn’t also mean that you can’t take some reasonable precautions for your own safety.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Mom,” Enjolras called, and Grantaire rolled his eyes again, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard as he waited for the coffeemaker. Enjolras padded into the kitchen a minute or two later, leaning against the fridge as he watched Grantaire. “You said that you couldn’t get to me in time.”

“Huh?” Grantaire said distractedly.

“In your dream. You apologized for not being able to get to me in time.”

Grantaire braced himself against the counter and shook his head. “Not just this dream,” he said quietly. “Every dream.”

Enjolras frowned. “So is that what this is really about?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” Grantaire said tiredly. “Look, just...just drop it, ok?”

“Fine,” Enjolras said, though his tone indicated that it wasn’t. Grantaire could feel his eyes on him as he poured them both cups of coffee, and when he passed him the mug, Enjolras asked, “Are you ok?”

Grantaire shrugged, resting his hip against the counter as he took a swig of too-hot coffee. “I’m fine.”

Enjolras didn’t look convinced. “Well, look at this way,” he said bracingly, the teasing tone back in his voice, “even if you had gotten to me, what would you have been able to do to stop it? Going down in a hail of bullets together is only romantic when Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid do it.”

Grantaire stared at him, his heart in his throat. He knew that Enjolras was only joking, but somehow, that made it worse, that he would dismiss this as nothing more than a joke. “Maybe there’s nothing that I can do,” he said, his voice low, “but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.”

Without another word, he went out onto the balcony, closing the sliding door after him with more force than was necessary.

This time, Enjolras didn’t follow him right away, which was probably for the best. Grantaire knew he was being ridiculous, just as he knew that Enjolras had only been trying to make him laugh. It was an effort he would normally appreciate, if the image of Enjolras with a gun to his head wasn’t seared on the inside of his eyelids. 

A few minutes later, Enjolras poked his head out from the sliding door. “Can I come out?” he asked.

“Pretty sure you didn’t ask permission to do so back in junior high, so Lord knows I’m not going to stop you now.”

Enjolras laughed lightly, stepping out onto the balcony. “Cute,” he said. “And I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Grantaire said with a sigh, turning to rest his elbows on the balcony railing. 

Enjolras leaned on the railing next to him. “I didn’t mean—” he started, but despite his reaction earlier, Grantaire didn’t really need to hear it.

“I know,” he repeated instead, a little gentler this time, and Enjolras nodded.

“We’re ok, right?” he asked, studying Grantaire carefully.

Grantaire turned to raise an eyebrow at him. “You already asked me that.”

“No, I asked if you were ok,” Enjolras said. “Now I’m asking about us.”

Instead of answering, Grantaire snaked an arm around Enjolras’s waist, pulling him close and kissing him lightly.. “We’re—” he started, breaking off when there was a horrible sound of groaning metal. “Was that—?”

Before he could even finish the question, the railing they were both leaning against gave out with a horrible shriek, sending both men tumbling to the ground twenty feet below.

----------

Grantaire groaned, feeling like he had been hit by a semi-truck. “Enjolras?” he muttered, feeling with his hand since he wasn’t quite ready to open his eyes. “Enj—” 

His hand landed on something soft and he did finally open his eyes when he heard Enjolras groan, “You can stop molesting me at any time.”

“Oh thank God,” Grantaire said, realizing for the first time that despite the ache that seemed to permeate his body, nothing seemed broken or even bleeding. He carefully pushed against the ground to sit up, realizing for the first time that they weren’t lying on the sidewalk outside their apartment building. Instead, they were in some dark alley, lying on… “Cobblestones?” Grantaire asked, rubbing the back of his head as he looked around. “Where the hell are we?”

Enjolras sat up slowly, looking just as confused, though after a moment he froze, staring at Grantaire’s chest. “I think the better question is when are we,” he said, nodding towards Grantaire’s shirt.

Grantaire glanced down and let out a yelp. He was not dressed in the t-shirt and boxers he had previously had on. Instead, he was wearing a loose linen shirt with a green vest and matching cravat. He looked quickly at Enjolras, who was similarly dressed, though his vest was red. “What the fuck is going on?”

Enjolras braced himself against the wall as he stood, wincing the entire time. “If I had to guess,” he said, glancing around them, “we’re both hallucinating from our fall.”

Grantaire scowled and leaned forward, pinching Enjolras’s thigh. Enjolras let out a high-pitched noise and glared down at him. “What was that for?!”

“Proof we’re not dreaming,” Grantaire said. “Help me up, would you?”

Enjolras glowered at him but nonetheless helped him to his feet. “I didn’t say we were dreaming, I said we were hallucinating. There’s a difference.”

“Potato, po-tah-to.”

Grantaire winced as he brushed his pants off and Enjolras frowned. “Are you ok?”

“I’ve had hangovers worse than this, don’t worry,” Grantaire assured him, glancing around them as well. “So when do you think we are?”

“Judging by the clothes, sometime in the first half of the 19th century,” Enjolras said with a shrug.

“Care to narrow it down any?” Grantaire asked dryly. “Other than night time in what I’m guessing is Paris?” Enjolras ignored him, instead snagging a discarded pamphlet from where someone had tossed it. “What’s that?”

Enjolras shrugged, not looking up from the pamphlet. “Some kind of pamphlet,” he said vaguely.

Grantaire rolled his eyes. “Well no shit, I can see that. But a pamphlet for what?”

“For General Lamarque’s funeral.” Realization flashed across Enjolras’s face. “I know what date it is,” he said, his eyes wide. “It’s June 5th. Or early in the morning June 6th.”

Grantaire stared at him. “You got that from some random dude’s funeral?”

Enjolras gave him a look. “Sure, when the ‘random dude’s funeral was the major catalyst of the June Rebellion?”

“The June Rebellion?” Grantaire asked tiredly, certain he was in for a lecture on how those who don’t remember history were doomed to repeat it.

But Enjolras seemed willing to save the lecture for a different time. “Short rebellion that took place in Paris at the beginning of June, 1832. An unsuccessful uprising, obviously.” He squinted at the street name written on the edge of the building at the end of the alley. “And if I’m right, we should head in this direction so that we don’t get stuck in the crossfire.”

They set off slowly down the alley and turned right onto a deserted street. Grantaire glanced over at him before remarking, half-fond and half-exasperated, “You and your knowledge of every obscure uprising in western civilization’s long and sordid history…”

Enjolras laughed lightly. “Hey, I’m not the only one who remembers it,” he said. “I heard a rumor that someone was going to make a musical out of it.”

“Out of the June Rebellion?” Grantaire asked, incredulous. “Bit dark for a musical, don’t you think?”

Enjolras shrugged. “Well, after the success of Hamilton, I think we’re going to see a lot more musicals based on historical events,” he reasoned.

Grantaire arched an eyebrow. “Yeah, sure, but the June Rebellion? What are they gonna sing about, cholera? Deplorable working conditions? The prison-industrial complex in early 19th century France?”

“Don’t be an ass,” Enjolras said good-naturedly. “There’s a reason I’m a political organizer and not a musical writer—”

He broke off and Grantaire snorted. “Sure, including the fact that you can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but—”

Enjolras caught his arm. “Grantaire, shut up,” he ordered quietly. “Someone’s coming.”

Sure enough, out of nowhere, a figure popped up, holding a rifle aimed at them. “Identify yourselves as friend or foe of the Revolution,” the person called, and Enjolras and Grantaire exchanged startled glances.

Because it sounded like…

But it couldn’t be…

“Courfeyrac?” Enjolras managed as the figure approached. 

Sure enough, as the figure approached, they were able to make out his features, which matched Courfeyrac’s almost identically. Even stranger than that, when he saw them, the man who looked like Courfeyrac immediately relaxed. “Ah, Enjolras, Grantaire,” he said, lowering his rifle. “What are you doing this far from the barricade? When last I saw you, Enjolras, you were planning for tomorrow with Combeferre, and of course, Grantaire, you’ve been sleeping off the drink for hours now in the Corinthe.”

“And it was time that I got back to it,” Grantaire said quickly, glancing up at Enjolras. “Come find me when you can get away,” he said, his voice low, and for a moment, it looked like Enjolras would argue, probably to tell him that it was better that they stuck together.

But Grantaire suspected that it would be easier to figure what the hell was going on if they split up, or at least less obvious that both of them had no clue what was happening.

Enjolras hesitated but then nodded. “Be safe,” he said, leaning in automatically to kiss Grantaire’s forehead like he had hundreds of times before.

“I doubt that even in 1832 I’m the one who needs that reminder,” Grantaire said with a small smile, and he squeezed Enjolras’s hand before heading off to the building that Courfeyrac – or the man who looked exactly like him – had indicated.

Enjolras fell in step next to Courfeyrac, following him in what he could only assume was the direction of the barricade. But if this was Courfeyrac, he was unusually quiet for the man that Enjolras knew. Then, abruptly, Courfeyrac said, “I did not realize that you and Grantaire…”

He trailed off, but his meaning – and the reason for his unusual quiet – was clear. Enjolras realized that in this time, he and Grantaire must not be together. “It is...not something we’ve been, uh, public about,” Enjolras said carefully, watching Courfeyrac closely.

To his surprise, Courfeyrac laughed lightly. “Well, perhaps you’ve not been,” he said with a grin that was eerily familiar, “but there is none who could doubt the depth of Grantaire’s feelings for you.”

Enjolras was uncomfortably reminded of those first few years of barely managed friendship between him and Grantaire, when Grantaire had gone out of his way to get under Enjolras’s skin and how it had taken him forever to realize that it was because Grantaire liked him. “Apparently I’m not a quick study,” he muttered, and Courfeyrac laughed again, though he broke off quickly, growing more somber as they approached the barricade.

“Combeferre was just up there when last I saw him,” he said, pointing toward the barricade. “I must return to the watch lest we lose any others.”

The heaviness of his words hit Enjolras hard, and he wordlessly gripped his shoulder before letting him go. He wondered who they had lost, if it had been any of their friends who also existed in his own time.

It was a chilling thought.

He clambered up the back of the barricade to the small enclave Courfeyrac had pointed out and peered down, less surprised to see a tall man who looked just like the Combeferre from his own time.

But what he didn’t expect to see was that Combeferre was not alone.

And as both men turned to frown at him, he definitely did not expect to see that the man crouched next to Combeferre was...himself.

----------

“Uncanny,” Grantaire breathed, watching his own shoulders rise and fall lightly as he – the other he, the one clearly from this time, this universe, whatever it was – snored softly from where he was slumped over the table in the Corinthe.

The man had the same messy dark curls, the same bump in his nose from when he had broken it – though Grantaire doubted very strongly that this version had broken it falling off his skateboard in elementary school – even the same crooked fingers wrapped loosely around a green glass bottle.

It was like looking at a mirror image, and was one of the strangest things Grantaire had ever seen.

And he had once taken LSD with Bahorel.

The man shifted slightly in his sleep and Grantaire hesitated. He knew that he himself would hate being waken, but at the same time, there really wasn’t any other option.

So after another long moment, he leaned in and poked himself – the other himself – in the side. “Grantaire?” he half-whispered. “Grantaire, wake up.”

The man opened one eye. “Go ‘way,” he mumbled.

“Grantaire, wake up,” Grantaire said, louder this time, and it was enough to make the man open both his eyes.

“Enjolras?” the other Grantaire slurred before blinking and focusing on Grantaire. “Oh,” he said stupidly. “It’s you.”

----------

Enjolras stared dumbly down at the copy of himself, who frowned slightly. “Citizen,” the other Enjolras said. “Have you come to join our Cause?”

“In a manner of speaking,” Enjolras managed, wondering how in the hell he was going to possibly explain this.

Not that it mattered – at his words, the other Enjolras jumped down from the barricade, gun at the ready. “Then speak plainly,” he growled, grabbing Enjolras by the lapels with his free hand. “We have had our fill our spies and—”

He broke off when he finally saw Enjolras’s face, surprise followed by confusion crossing his own. Combeferre followed him down, his weapon also in hand, though he stopped in his tracks, his own eyes widening when he saw Enjolras. “What is this?” he asked, looked at the other Enjolras for explanation.

An explanation that either Enjolras was very clearly lacking.

To Enjolras’s surprise, the other Enjolras recovered first. “My cousin,” he said, a smoother lie than Enjolras would have managed. “From the country.”

“Right,” Enjolras said, nodding quickly. “His cousin, uh, Maximilien.” It was the first name that popped into his head and both Combeferre and the other Enjolras arched identical eyebrows. “I, uh, I was afeared that too late I might have been to attend to the barricade.”

He flushed when he realized he was talking like Yoda mixed with some kind of medieval knight, but thankfully, neither Combeferre nor the other Enjolras appeared to have noticed, or else were too caught up with confusion over what exactly was happening to care.

“Give us a moment,” the other Enjolras ordered quietly, and Combeferre hesitated.

“Are you certain?” he asked, eyeing Enjolras warily.

The other Enjolras nodded. “This man is no traitor or spy,” he said. “On that, I would stake my life.”

Combeferre hesitated for a moment longer before bowing his head and nodding. “Be quick,” he told the other Enjolras. “We have much to discuss before dawn.”

The other Enjolras nodded again and Combeferre left, though not until after one last furtive glance at Enjolras. The other Enjolras finally released Enjolras and set his gun down, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Who are you and why do you bear my face?” he asked bluntly.

Enjolras licked his lips before asking, a little desperately, “Would you believe me if I told you that I was you from the future?”

The other Enjolras considered him for a long moment, his brow drawn and his expression impassive. Then he shook his head. “No,” he said. “I would not.”

----------

“So I am you,” the other Grantaire said slowly. “Or, more accurately perhaps, you are me.”

Grantaire nodded. “Right.”

The other Grantaire shook his head slowly. “I would believe that I had drunk too much absinthe,” he said, squinting at Grantaire, “save that I know not why my drink-addled brain would supply this particular vision.”

He raised the bottle in his hand to his lips, letting out a small noise of disappointment when he realized it was empty. “Just like that?” Grantaire asked skeptically. “You believe me without any explanation?”

“What other explanation is there?” the other Grantaire grumbled, tossing the empty bottle aside. “When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Grantaire gaped at him. “And now you’re somehow quoting Star Trek?” he spluttered.

The other Grantaire leaned back in his chair. “I do not know what trek through the stars you reference,” he said, scratching his chest and yawning, “but do you suppose the stars you see in your time are the same as in mine?”

Grantaire resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose and made a mental note to rein in the philosophizing the next time he, Joly and Bossuet got drunk. How neither of them had hauled off and decked him yet… “I guess so,” he said with a sigh.

“In your time, is there also…” Grantaire braced himself for what many questions the other Grantaire inevitably had for him, but to his surprise, all the other Grantaire asked was, “Is there an Enjolras?”

“Oh, yes.” 

Grantaire didn’t hesitate in his answer, but something in the two words had the other Grantaire leaning forward again, his expression unreadable. “And you and he are friends?”

The other Grantaire sounded slightly surprised, but Grantaire just shrugged, a little helplessly. “Friends, lovers, partners...Enjolras is my everything.”

He knew he sounded like a lovesick idiot, but he learned long ago not to bother trying to hide it. The other Grantaire looked even more surprised by this. “Lovers,” he repeated, shaking his head slowly, before peering at Grantaire closely. “But you are not his everything.”

Grantaire blinked, surprised (though he supposed he probably shouldn’t be) by how perspective the other Grantaire was, even three sheets to the wind. “No,” he said. “But he and I understand that. He has the Cause, and everything that comes with it, and he would not be the Enjolras that I fell in love with without it.”

The other Grantaire shook his head again, something like awe creeping into his tone and across his expression. “So you have found a way to be together in spite of – or perhaps because of – who he is.”

The other Grantaire didn’t word it as a question, but Grantaire nodded nonetheless. “Yes,” he said. “It took a lot of work – I mean, it still does – but we have found a way to work it out and be together.” He paused, his heart sinking just slightly at the look on the other Grantaire’s face. “I’ll take it you and your Enjolras…”

“He despises me.”

The other Grantaire said it so plainly that Grantaire flinched at the starkness of the words. “I’m sure he doesn’t.”

But the other Grantaire didn’t appear to have heard him. “Maybe it’s enough,” he murmured. “Enough to know that in another lifetime, we found a way…”

He trailed off again and looked up at Grantaire. “Do we die here?”

The abruptness of the question took Grantaire aback. He didn’t know if he was referring to we as in him and the other Grantaire, or the other Grantaire and his Enjolras, but it didn’t really matter since he didn’t know the answer either way. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. 

The other Grantaire nodded heavily. Then, abruptly, he muttered, “If Enjolras’s time is come, let us hope mine is as well. There is no life worth living without him in it.”

Grantaire worried his lower lip between his teeth. As much as he wanted to tell the other Grantaire that he was wrong, hadn’t he had a similar thought just that morning? “I don’t think your Enjolras would be pleased to hear you say that,” he said instead.

To his surprise, the other Grantaire managed a ghost of a smile. “Nor yours, I’d imagine,” he agreed before looking at Grantaire plainly. “But you understand, do you not?”

The breath seemed to catch in Grantaire’s throat, and he nodded. “Yes,” he said quietly. “Yes, I understand.”

For one long moment, the other Grantaire studied him closely before his shoulders slumped and he sighed heavily. “Well, it has been strange and yet surprisingly pleasant to meet such an apparition as yourself,” he said, already leaning forward to again rest his head against the wood of the table. “Now you should leave me to my slumber.”

Grantaire stood, before hesitating. “Will you promise me something before I go?”

The other Grantaire cracked one eye open. “What would you ask of me?”

“If the worst that both you and I fear comes to pass, if you are to lose Enjolras on this barricade, will you go to him in the end, and die with him?”

He honestly didn’t know what made him ask it, other than the lingering memory of his dream from what seemed like so long ago and yet like no time had passed either. That and what the other Grantaire had said, lingering just the same: Maybe it’s enough to know that in another lifetime...

“I do not think he would want me there,” the other Grantaire said, lifting his head off the table.

Grantaire shook his head. “I think you might be surprised.”

A small, sad smile lifted the corners of the other Grantaire’s mouth. “Forgive me, but your Enjolras seems much gentler than mine. And while he might want you by his side when the end comes, I do not know if I can believe the same for my own.”

“Then don’t do it for him,” Grantaire said bluntly. :Go to him for yourself. Because you deserve to know that he dies knowing that you loved him enough to die by his side”.

“Perhaps I will,” the other Grantaire murmured, closing his eyes again. “But only with his permission. I owe him that much, after all the ways I have failed him.”

Grantaire opened his mouth to argue more, but closed it again when he heard a soft snore coming from the other Grantaire, and he shook his head again. “Good luck,” he whispered before turning to leave the other Grantaire to sleep off the alcohol.

He had no idea if the other Grantaire would even remember the conversation when he woke up.

But he hoped he would.

And regardless, he knew he would never forget it.

----------

He had barely taken two steps from the Corinthe when he almost ran smack into Enjolras. “Enjolras,” he gasped, before hesitating. “It is you, isn’t it? Not, uh, some other Enjolras?”

“Considering it’ll be well over a century before cloning is invented…” Enjolras said with a tired smile, and Grantaire sighed in relief. “I’ll take it you also met your doppelgänger?”

“If that’s what you want to call him,” Grantaire muttered.

Enjolras raised an eyebrow. “What would you call him?”

Grantaire considered the question for a minute. “Weird as fuck,” he said finally.

Enjolras laughed before glancing over his shoulder, his smile fading. “C’mon,” he said, taking Grantaire’s hand. “We need to get out of here. The National Guard will be attacking soon.” 

They walked together in silence for a good distance until Enjolras judged them relatively safe. “Here,” he said, shouldering a door open. “We should be safe in here.”

“You can’t just break into someone’s house!” Grantaire hissed, even as he followed Enjolras inside.

“I’m not,” Enjolras told him. “Didn’t you see the sign outside? This building is abandoned. Now c’mon, if we can get up to the roof, we should have a pretty good view.”

Together, they headed up the stairs; from there it was a quick scramble up to the roof, Enjolras pulling Grantaire up after him, and they sat down together. “So, what, we’re just going to watch ourselves get killed?” Grantaire asked.

Enjolras sighed. “Believe me, if I could think of an alternative…”

He trailed off and Grantaire sighed, resting his head against Enjolras’s shoulder. “It was weird, wasn’t it?” he asked softly. “Meeting different versions of ourselves. Seeing what we could have been like.”

Enjolras nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “My other self didn’t believe me, at least not at first.”

Grantaire laughed lightly. “Strangely enough, the other Grantaire believed it immediately.” He nudged Enjolras gently. “Who’d’ve thought that I’d be the believer and you’d be the cynic.”

Enjolras half- smiled. “Certainly not me,” he agreed. “Speaking of, what did you and the other Grantaire talk about?”

Grantaire’s smile faded. “Not much,” he said. “A little bit about what’s going to happen. A little bit about what he should do if it does happen.”

He didn’t specify what the ‘it’ was that he was referring to, but Enjolras seemed to understand, since he nodded slowly. “And what did you tell him?”

“That even if there is nothing that he can do to stop it, being with you in the end is enough.”

“Grantaire…” 

Enjolras’s voice was pained, but Grantaire just shook his head. “Don’t,” he said.

“But there is so much in your life worth living for—” Enjolras started, his voice heated.

“Of course there is,” Grantaire said easily. “A million things to live for. But the only thing in my life worth dying for is you.”

Enjolras ducked his head but didn’t try to argue further. After a long moment, he turned to kiss the top of Grantaire’s head. “Thank you,” he murmured.

Grantaire tilted his head back to kiss Enjolras properly before asking, “What about the other Enjolras? Did you tell him that he would, y’know, fail?”

Enjolras squinted toward the horizon and the sun that was slowly starting to break over the buildings. “No.”

Grantaire lifted his head off of Enjolras’s shoulder so that he could look at him. “So you lied to him?”

“No,” Enjolras repeated. “I told him the truth. Just...not all of it.” He sighed, glancing back over at Grantaire. “I told him that no matter what happens on the barricade, he will have done his part in changing the world.”

Grantaire nodded slowly. “I’m not sure I would call that the truth.”

Enjolras gave him a ghost of his usual smile. “Yeah, well, as already discussed, you always were a cynic.”

“In all other lives besides this one, anyway,” Grantaire said, setting his head back on Enjolras’s shoulder. “So now what?”

Enjolras sighed, wrapping an arm around Grantaire’s shoulders. “Now we wait, I guess.”

It was over almost as quickly as it began, and even though they were shielded from witnessing the worst of it, Grantaire still shuddered at every cannon blast or gunshot they could hear. When it finally died down, Grantaire glanced up at Enjolras. “Is it finished?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

Enjolras just shook his head, his brow furrowed. “I’m not sure.”

Suddenly, there was one final barrage of gunshots that sounded through the stillness of the early morning, and then…

They woke up.

----------

It somehow hurt even worse than before, though Grantaire wasn’t sure that was physically possible. “Ow,” he croaked as a bunch of EMTs loaded him onto a stretcher.

“He’s awake!” one of them called before leaning down to tell him, “Sir, there’s been an accident. Your balcony collapsed. We’re taking you and your friend to the hospital.”

“Don’t—” Grantaire started, though his voice was muffled by some kind of mask over his mouth.

The EMT shook her head. “Don’t try to talk,” she told him. 

But Grantaire reached up with a shaking hand to pull the mask off just enough to tell her, “Just...keep us together.”

She replaced the mask and squeezed his hand. “I promise,” she told him. 

Grantaire nodded, his eyes fluttering closed as he passed out again.

----------

When he woke up the next time, Grantaire was in a hospital room, feeling a lot less like he’d been hit by a semi-truck. A quick glance at his hand told him it was likely whatever was in his IV that was doing the heavy lifting. “Oh good,” a familiar voice said, and Grantaire turned his head to see Enjolras in the hospital bed next to him. “You’re finally awake.”

Grantaire smiled slightly at him. “Mmm,” he agreed. “And they gave us the good stuff.”

“Don’t get used to it,” Enjolras warned, wincing slightly as he readjusted to lie on his side so that he could see him. “You broke your arm and fractured your ankle, in case you were wondering.”

“Oh, is that what those casts are for?” Grantaire asked.

Enjolras’s eyes narrowed. “How can you possibly manage to be sarcastic while on morphine?”

Grantaire shrugged, wincing as he did. “Experience,” he said dryly. “What about you?”

His eyes flickered over Enjolras’s body, but he didn’t see any obvious injuries besides some bruises and scrapes. “Cracked a few ribs,” Enjolras said. “You apparently broke my fall.”

“Figures,” Grantaire muttered. “Well, at least you’ve had broken ribs before.”

Enjolras snorted. “Yeah, I think there’s a punch card I can get. Ten broken ribs and the eleventh one they’ll set for free.”

Grantaire laughed, though he stopped when it made his own ribs ache. Enjolras half-smiled. “Thanks for catching me, though.”

“Anytime,” Grantaire said with a wink that too quickly turned into a wince.

Something shifted in Enjolras’s expression, and he hesitated before asking cautiously, “Did you, um, did you have a dream while you were...out?”

Grantaire blinked, sluggish memories slowly coming back to him, images from a dream he couldn’t quite remember, like they were just out of reach. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “Yeah, I did. Something about…” He thought about it for a long moment before snorting a laugh. “Something about the June Rebellion, of all asinine things. Clearly I’ve been spending too much time with you.” He looked over at Enjolras, tracing his features with his eyes. “You were there, I think.”

Enjolras managed a smile. “You were in my dream, too.” He paused before asking, “Was yours a happy dream?”

Grantaire shrugged and winced. “We were together,” he said simply. “That’s enough to make any dream happy.”

“Good,” Enjolras said. “I just...I didn’t want you to have another nightmare.”

Grantaire shook his head slowly. “I think…” He frowned slightly. “Don’t ask me how, but I think I’m done with those dreams now. Like something happened in my dream that made it….I dunno, ok somehow.”

“Yeah?” Enjolras asked, watching him closely.

“Or maybe I’m just high as balls on morphine.”

Enjolras laughed. “Yeah, that’s probably more like it,” he said. “You should get some rest.”

“So should you,” Grantaire said with a yawn. “Besides, there’s something I gotta do first.” He stretched his hand out from his hospital bed toward Enjolras.

“What are you doing?” Enjolras asked.

“Trying to hold your hand, you dolt,” Grantaire said sleepily. “Since I can’t hold all of you right now.” Enjolras hesitated and Grantaire rolled his eyes. “Do you permit it?” he asked sarcastically.

Enjolras scowled but nonetheless took his hand, lacing their fingers together, and they stayed that way until both of them fell asleep again.

Together.

#enjolras #grantaire #exr #enjolras x grantaire #enjoltaire #ask #answered #hey nonny #fanfiction #les miserables #established relationship #developing relationship #modern au #canon era #time travel au #kinda sorta #canonical major character death #there's a lot going on here lol #Anonymous #oh also #referenced police brutality #gunshot cw #blood cw #let me know if you need any other tags

[jayflrt]

HELP i just copy and paste bc i type way faster on my computer and i normally rmb to delete what i respond to but. not that time ig.

i got accepted into 3/4 i applied to, it's just. choosing. that is v hard for me bc 2 of them are really good schools.

TURN DOWN HARVARD????? the one i got denied from was ivy league equivalent i cant even imagine getting in omg

im so out of shape too dw LMAOOO i used to do like... 8 mile hikes and shit easily but now??? gl getting me to do 1.5 miles 😭😭😭i used to take the bus, yeah, it would be 2 hrs in the morning and 2-3 in the evening. sucked!! do not recommend!! my mom drives me now, and when i go to college im just gonna take the shuttle or walk everywhere

NAUUURRR i hope u get qiqi soon!! i have her c1 on na and c0 on asia, she just. rlly loves me. speaking of my asia acc my luck is absolutely mf INSANE there why do i have c3 lisa and like c2 kaeya... starter chars are so rare HELLAUR???

my yanfei is c6 and i need to fix her artis and crown her, but she hits a good 50k when she crits. my highest on NA is 61k melt from ganyu,, but thats bc none of my dps chars are nukers, yk? like xiao and ganyu r both multihit

my eula hit 135k w a lvl 6 ult on asia but her artifacts are awful, i need to farm for her more. it's so annoying to farm for two accs tho LMAOOOOO

i was helping brooke unlock and run the new domain a couple of times ( we were... very slow) and eula hit at most 45k bc her ratio and talents r so awful LMAOOO albedo carried yes king

i got into 127 first, i think it's just that dream is closer to my age? so their humor matches mine more. and mark/jaehyun were my first biases and i still have soft spots for them so ig i can be considered loyal? like i stan half the group in almost every group i like,, but it doesn't change once i find the Ones.

i kind of hate the beach bc it's... boring? LMAOOOO like when u go frequently it's like 😴😴😴ok seen it im done. we normally go once or twice a year for a week </3 that is so long to do nothing but sit on SAND i hate sand

i want to write on my sideblog bc im trying to regrow a following that's more active and reads longer fics, since my current one is so reaction-centric and i know most of them r from 2 years ago and have deleted tumblr </3

it's working so far, i think? like i get asks sometimes or people at least wanting to be on the taglist which is more than i can say for main 😭😭😭

omg yeah dw abt it, i was just curious <3 i do know im a lil nervous making new mutuals now and i've only been on the very fringes of the plagiarism dramas and everything

HAHAH NONO UR GOOD when i just have my laptop, i copy paste it into notes and then reply and then type and then paste my response into the ask again LOLL it's so complex for what 🤧 

deciding on my college was also rlly difficult for me :'') i took like a good month to weigh in all my acceptances and eventually went to the one i felt the most comfortable at and thought would be the best for me <33 omg yeah my high school was pretty competitive so quite a few people got into ivy leagues, but everyone was surprised that that one boy turned down harvard bc he's always had high ambitions and is a genius 😳 but i think it all came down to finances and he's happier at the college he ended up choosing tbh so i'm glad for him 🥰 plus ivy leagues are corrupt and scary and i don't think i want to go to a university where the student climate is so cutthroat LMFAO 

god yeah my thighs are dying rn <//3 i hiked 16 miles with my friends once and tbh that was the worst HAHAH i was fine for the 7(??) ish miles there but walking back was sooo painful + 2 of those miles was on sand so it was a struggle. i don't think i could walk properly for 3 days after that HAHAH and i cut my ankle mid-hike so 🤕 2-3 hours ??? god i would fall asleep or something i could never 😭 

my luck kinda sucks on both accs 💀 i don't think i've ever hit pity early and i have like c3 mona and c2 jean LMFAO but omg yeah starter cons are sooo good 😭 my friend manx mained kaeya for a while and kept getting lisa cons instead of kaeya HAHAH and i always get amber cons even tho i never use her 😳 cat got a kaeya con the other day and i freaked out LMAOAO where's my kaeya constellation 😩 

i want c6 yanfei soooo bad i have her at c4 rn but her build is kinda good so im itching to get two more constellations 🙏 i feel like i barely use my NA acc anymore HAHAH i just spend so much time on my asia one and don't have time to work on both 🤧 but maybe i'll start working on my NA acc again so that i can build diluc !! 💖 i still need to play the new archon quest i've been doing a bunch of world quests but im proud bc i usually never get those done and push it off to the end <//3 

ooh yeah i get that !! i adore 127 and wayv and watch content for them but dream is like the group i always go back to to watch content 💗 lately i've been ditching them to watch svt content tho sorry dream <//3 

yeah where i am people go to the beach like every week so it gets tiring after a while. i hate sand in my shoes and how cold the ocean is and how scary the waves are so !! im out. my roommates actually invited me out to the beach with them today and i was like nooooo so i hid out to write/do homework :'] but yeah same i hate sand when it gets wet and sticks to you but i like it when you don't get wet and just can like ,, lay on the warm sand :') 

ooh yeah that makes sense :o i just make sideblogs bc i'm so nitpicky with the organization HAHAH when i made this blog i didn't tell anyone i was hyuckworld/tyonfs for a month or two because i wanted to build my own rep 🌸 

omg yeah im traumatized from my wattpad days because i would stumble upon clout chasers who only wanted to be my friend to either get me to read their fics or become friends with my friends 😣 i was so wary about reading rec’d fics for a while HAHAH but now i’ve just started finding my own fics to read and it’s fun discovering more <33 i have a list for ao3 too 🥰 

i try to handle all plagiarism issues privately bc i hate bringing discourse onto my blog but the ask someone sent me sort of made it impossible for me to not post it publicly 😞 plus it was clear that person was just blatantly copy pasting a bunch of writers fics sooo <//3 i rlly hope this all ends soon gosh 

#💌 : love notes #seoulbinz

[sinkix]

- What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Karasuno edition -

Obviously these aren’t meant to be taken too seriously lol. I’ll probably make this into a series at some point where I include the other teams idk this took me way too long to do JWIDJQENWKJQFN WE’LL SEE. ENJOY! <3

2D men are infinitely superior I said what I said.

Hinata: 

A sucker for motivational speeches or quotes and they always get you hyped up.

Very ambitious and positive despite frequently getting lost in life

Not as innocent as you seem but still a cinnamon roll lololol

You probably eat fruit as a regular snack n ppl judge you for it

Highkey a dumbass but in a very endearing way so people can’t help but like you

Summer is probs ur fave season

Definitely own several plushies and definitely get defensive about it

The friend people go to when they need cheering up.

You either go to bed at 8pm or 3am no in between.

Your texting style consists of several messages as opposed to one paragraph/sentence with the use of MANY emojis.

You 100% fuck with pineapple on pizza. 

Got your head stuck in a cat flap that one time.

Have a hella low alcohol tolerance or don’t drink at all.

Hella clueless when it comes to people flirting with you, they have to hold a neon sign in front of you for you to get the message

“Oh you were flirting with me?” “I was every day for 5 months but thanks for finally noticing”

Definition of a tab hoarder, your pc/laptop frequently crashes because it can’t handle that many but you refuse to get rid of any.

Always get toothpaste stains on your shirt no matter how careful you are.

“Wait we had homework???”

Nishinoya:

You often get random bursts of energy outta nowhere or at 2am and have no clue how to handle it 

You can’t help but head bang and scream the lyrics to your fav songs.

Probably have a hella diverse music taste.

Likely an active/outdoorsy person who either does sports or wants to.

Vvv loyal, type of friend you can call in the middle of the night and you’ll be there.

Chaotic good or Chaotic neutral.

You’re either one of the most responsible people in the room or one of the most fuckin chaotic and irresponsible lmao no in between it just depends on your mood.

Frequently pull all nighter’s and doesn’t even feel guilty about it

Chug soda like it’s water.

An extrovert or one of those introverts that are bat-shit once you actually get to know them.

You have zero shame, can and will run across the street stark naked for a cheeseburger and a can of sprite.

Like fuck yeah who wouldn’t for a burger and some sprite y’know??

Despite being a whirlwind you are actually a hella chill person to have as company.

You own a skateboard or want to.

Own at least one pair of converses or vans.

Probably have a bucket list or tons of future plans for travelling/adventures stored in your head.

You really want a dog and would call it something like Dexter or Human Destroyer 9000.

Likely have had several hair colour phases.

A slut for doritos.

You ate glue once as a kid and it was kinda okay and that fact still haunts you.

Tanaka:

Listen to rap more than any other genre and ur playlist is fire

Punched dry wall that one time

Probably have several piercings and plan on getting more

Prefer sports bras to regular ones.

Intimidates outsiders but your friends don’t take you seriously in the slightest lmaoaoaooa

Ppl find it hard to approach you but you’re actually super chill so you get sad 

Definition of that Kanye meme “before you talk to me” >:( “after you talk to me” :)

Probably don’t trust people easily

Type of person that once you’re challenged/dared to do something they WILL do it regardless of how stupid bc you hate being called a pussy.

Went through a phase where you only listened to Eminem.

Probably is/was the class clown or wished they were.

You have virtually no patience and a pretty short temper lmao.

You’re a go-getter and hate being told you can’t do something

Definitely snuck out the house several times as a teen.

Walks barefoot outside a lot bc fuck shoes lol

The pairs of shoes you do own are mostly worn down sneakers you refuse to swap out.

You’re that asshole that wears socks with holes in for the sport of it and it doesn’t phase you in the slightest. (dw I do too lmaooao)

Could probably bench press someone’s dad

Enjoy’s drinking coffee.

Kageyama:

Such a picky eater bitch god damn.

Usually hella hydrated and judge people that don’t drink enough water.

Eats spoonfuls of chocolate nesquik powder when no one is looking I said what I said

You like stoic and Tsundere guys who have the outer emotional capacity of a brick wall.

You’re probably the same in that sense and don’t enjoy letting people know what you’re thinking/feeling

Poker face 90% of the time

Type of person to pretend not to find a joke funny but then crumble and start crying with laughter.

Probs an introvert

Once when someone asked you what you wanted for Christmas you responded “to be left the fuck alone” and it still applies to this day.

like fr you just wanna be left alone man but ppl keep bothering you.

You HATE it when people tell you to smile and quite literally take it as an insult.

Your bedtime is 9pm and you stick by it religiously 

Always smell really good like damn what you got on??

The most you do with your hair if it’s long enough is throw it in a pony tail and call it a day.

Either have really nicely manicured nails or you’v chewed them down to the nub no in between.

You hate to admit it but you doubt yourself a lot and it really frustrates you.

Probably wet the bed a lot as a kid and you’re still salty about it.

lololol bed-wetter Kags lover

Audibly snorted typing that I’m sorry.

Probably had a ._. face reading that since ur usually hella unamused.

Cute awkward dork though behind that facade it’s just most people don’t see it.

So critical of yourself like chill

An earth sign or an Aquarius idc.

Do not know how to reciprocate a hug but desperately need one

When people flirt with you you somehow manage to make them intimidated with your responses and scare them off.

You called your teacher “mum/dad” once and you get Vietnam flashbacks to this day.

Daichi:

You probably have a daddy kink and lowkey daddy issues with it

Very supportive friend who has a lotta patience

Hella determined and humble.

Mostly wear black because it’s just much easier than colour coordinating and plus you just prefer the simplicity, but you’re pretty vibrant as a person.

The one who stays sober at parties to drive the others home.

Probably haven’t been in many relationships but still do enjoy romance.

seems stern but is actually very friendly and enjoy company bc you don’t like spending too much time by yourself.

Honestly just wants to chill out, go to bed and read a book.

A coffee connessieur but mostly just drinks instant bc ur too lazy to make it properly and just drink it black.

Very reliable.

Often get stuck with most of the work during group projects lololol

People frequently ask you for the answers to the homework/assignment and it really depends on your mood and how charitable you’re feeling as to whether you’ll lend it to them

Low-key a sadist.

100% Old soul

Despite this you are a fuckin dork and have quite an immature but really funny sense of humour.

You have a thigh kink. 

Def grew up reading wattpad smut and most of ur sexual knowledge stems from that

probably prefer manga to animated versions

Absolute pro at winged eyeliner and looks v good in it.

Probably give lectures even without realising it.

Shamelessly watches the nature channel for hours on end and what of it.

Honestly just done with everyone’s shit lmao

Sugawara:

Either are the mom friend or the one the mom friend has to look after.

You vibe with pastel colours

Your fav season is either spring or autumn.

oversized hoodies and knitted sweaters are your vibe.

Enjoy drinking herbal tea

Likes the smell of rain and will purposely step outside after a storm and S N O R T the smell of damp concrete. (srry if ur from some dry ass place like nevada lmao it rains alot in the UK soooOOOoO)

Quiet but have a really creative imagination and has one HELL of a loud voice when they’re pissed off

like,, I wouldn’t dare get on ur nerves ion want my ear drums bursting damn.

Hoards flavoured chapsticks and scented lip gloss

Either did or still have your Harry Potter house in your bio and it was probably Hufflepuff.

Gives people advice that they are fully aware also applies to themselves but doesn’t follow it LMAO.

Listens to K-pop and several Korean and Japanese genres.

Played a dating sim once and you enjoyed it but ur still ashamed and refuse to ever talk about it.

Smells like lavender or something hella floral

Probably reads a lot of Yaoi and no one else knows but you.

Would 100% own a chinchilla

Read Killing Stalking and it messed you up for weeks.

Asahi:

The one who was trying to flirt for months and the other person never got the hint

Probably a really pretty crier and vibe with the mascara running aesthetic.

You tear up easily lol.

Probably a water sign.

Low-key a bad bitch though 

Looks really good in red lipstick

That one person who’s v attractive but completely unaware and v insecure.

That one friend who seems so soft and innocent but can turn into a banshee when need be.

Crying is your therapy.

You overthink a LOT and it often stops you from achieving what you want.

Actually have a lot of willpower despite ur sensitivity.

Was def a pushover as a kid and still have a chip on your shoulder about it.

Hella artsy and day dreams a lot.

You attract broken souls and often get turned to when people’s problems need fixing yet you’re a total mess yourself

Listens to Girl in red while questioning your sexuality

which you do a lot.

You hate being put in a box or labelled.

Gave up on that hobby that one time and you really wanna get back into it.

Always have at least one hair tie on your wrist that’s basically an accessory at this point.

Own a phat ass fish tank with hella pretty fishes bro it’s such a vibe say hi to Nemo for me.

Yamaguchi:

Too scared to ask for extra ketchup packets so you get your friend to ask instead.

Probably have anxiety.

The time you stuttered once when introducing yourself frequently gives you cringe attacks.

Major animal lover and prefers them to people.

Talked to a tree once and it was a pretty cool experience.

Wear a lot of pink or cute colours and radiate babi energy.

Likely wear skirts 

Wear those aesthetic planets necklaces and your tumblr is filled with space related art and themes.

Enjoy staring up at the clouds and figuring out what animal they are.

Has a lot of secrets that they probably tell to their cat.

dw ur cat isn’t a snitch they got you covered.

“meow”

yeah they definitely didn’t just try to reveal ur deepest traumas to your cousin.

If you don’t have a cat you probably would want one and would call it Mittens or sumn.

You’re whipped for freckles and anyone that has them instantly becomes 1000x more attractive to you

Either like 5′2″ or 5′10″ no middle ground

Definitely own a turtle or rabbit and if you don’t then you should.

Forgets your assignments but the professor lets you off because you’re so nervous they can’t scold you.

Oversleeps at least 2 times a week

Will not get up before 1pm on a weekend

Wall flower at parties but people still approach you bc you are so friendly and kind.

Social anxiety intensifies.

Always get’s called on in class when you haven’t been paying attention and it really troubles you.

Has a minimum of 3 blankets on your bed that you cocoon yourself in.

Tsukishima:

Your attracted to snarky assholes.

Sarcasm and insults are your form of flirtation and you get immediately turned off if they can’t take it or get upset.

Probably shy away from your feelings

Random flashbacks to embarrassing events frequently keep you up at night

Judge peoples fashion choices as they walk past you but actually have a really good eye for what works and what doesn’t.

You look like you have your shit together and you kinda do for the most part.

The quiet kid in class that’s listening to some loud ass screamo or rock n roll’ but ppl have no idea.

Definition of the glinting anime glasses pushed up your nose bridge cliche.

When you make a mistake you question all your knowledge and abilities but no one else knows that about you

Refuses to cry since you view your emotions as a personal weakness

If someone hugged you you’d get VERY uncomfortable.

Physical contact is not your forte

Probably a 5′0″ demon.

Would peg a man to assert dominance but you’re actually a lil bitch.

Knows the answer to the question they can’t solve.

Doesn’t study as much as they should but somehow still gets good grades.

Really likes french fries and the taste of strawberries.

Just wants to be left alone

Ennoshita:

The one friend that gets talked over and it really pisses you off but you’re too nice to say anything.

Seems really passive but can actually be hella confrontational when they wanna be

No tolerance for peoples bullshit 

Really stable and just an overall reliable person.

People often forget you’re in the room lmao but it’s okay you’d rather listen anyway.

Actually has a really interesting mind and a lot to say but mostly keep it to yourself unless they’re your friend

Answered for someone else in attendance a few years ago and it still bothers you.

People often come to you to vent and you’re chill with it

Don’t stand out much but honestly it doesn’t bother you

Can and will get through an entire book/series in a matter of 3 days.

Quite a minimalist and organised for the most part

You look like you have your shit together and you def do.

Have a controversial taste in pizza.

You have more acquaintances than friends but the ones you do are a v tight knit circle.

Will re take a quiz several times till you get the character you wanted

Radiate Virgo and Libra energy.

Kiyoko:

Type of person to say “step on me” as a way of complimenting and you mean it literally.

Both a sadist and masochist

When someone tells you their not interested it just makes you want them 100x more and it frustrates you why are you like this.

Doesn’t compliment often but when you do it’s really heartfelt.

Looks like your silently judging people but in reality you really couldn’t care.

Just kidding you low-key judge them anyway.

Very picky when it comes to partners.

Independent but has random hella clingy moments.

Despite being quiet, you are capable of roasting a bitch alive if they test your patience.

Like I would NOT wanna get on your bad side

You could deadass send them to therapy, their emotions fenna need some aloe vera for that burn.

Just really calm and relaxed tbh so people enjoy being in your company even though you don’t talk much.

When you do though it’s usually something really interesting or funny.

You just don’t see the point in talking if what your saying doesn’t hold any value??

You hate small talk and would rather slingshot yourself off a skyscraper than partake in it.

Your face is easy to read and you make no effort to hide it.

If your in a bad mood they WILL know.

Look like your plotting someones demise or questioning life’s theories but in reality you’re really just thinking bout what you want for dinner.

Honestly just a sweetheart tbh.

Low-key have a staring problem.

Has really neat and cursive handwriting like who tf taught you that.

Yachi:

Frequently says something then panics that it could be misinterpreted 

You overthink literally everything you have ever said and the actions you haven’t even committed yet

Really likes the taste of sherbet 

Could cut a bitch if they needed to

You spend most of your money at Urban Outfitters and don’t regret it.

have an assortment of colouring pencils that ppl always try and borrow and never give them back.

You highlight the shit outta your papers and never read them again.

Really like the smell of peaches

Probably have a v interesting earring collection.

Hoard water bottles in your room and you feel majorly guilty about it.

The taste of honey disgusts you but you eat it anyway for some reason.

Somehow managed to burn rice and solidify soup.

You shouldn’t be trusted in the kitchen but you try your best regardless.

I feel like that applies to most things in your life

Like yeah you fucked it up but like you’re trying your best lol cmon

V tolerant of people but have zero time for fuckboys and shut them down instantly.

You frequently get the shakes from caffeine or anxiety

Or both.

You give really encouraging hugs.

Have no clue what you wanna do in life but it’s ok bby it’ll work out.

Takeda:

You’re a very underappreciated and underrated person and I love u

Probably an English/languages major

Really kind and outgoing but high-key mysterious

Actually has a phat fucking temper like damn where did that come from.

Won’t take no for an answer when you want to achieve something.

That one person people don’t realise is there listening to your conversations but you definitely are and now know Becky’s deepest darkest secret.

Fuck you, becky.

Wore contacts once and forgot to take them out for 3 days.

You wondered why your eyes were so itchy.

Your music taste does not match your appearance.

Probably watch a lot of crime shows and imagine you’re an investigator

Aced physics and chemistry.

More than likely an introvert with extrovert tendencies when you feel like it.

Actually quite temperamental but it’s okay since you’re a v genuine person.

Often debate getting a sugar daddy bc that income looking real tempting rn.

Honest to a fault at times but it’s something people come to appreciate about you.

Just really wanna sleep for 15 hours and sit in front of your laptop with some hot coco.

Ukai:

You like older men

The smell of tobacco and coffee low-key comforts you for some reason.

Peed in a bottle that one time while on a road trip and forgot to throw it out until you found it a week later.

You’re a slut for dyed hair and dudes with piercings.

You once got drunk and passed out on a spinning round-a-bout in a park and your friend still has pictures that you refuse to acknowledge.

Bi-curious and just radiate big Bi energy

Would experiment but you’re too hesitant.

Hates the taste of beer but drinks it anyway.

Just wants to be loved man I stg is that too much to ask.

Often wonder if your friends actually like you then realise you don’t really care anyway lmao.

You still love them though.

Tired of working over time and just wanna catch a break.

Amazon Prime is your best friend.

Random ass parcels comin thru’ each day and it feels like Christmas.

A very lonely and one-man party Christmas.

Stop spending your fucking paycheck.

Have a pretty dark/cynical but really funny sense of humour and you often make people laugh.

Have a big ass temper and people KNOW it.

Often fantasised about dropping out and becoming a stripper bc your patience was being TESTED.

Really likes money but who doesn’t tbh.

You radiate Chaotic Evil but keep it under wraps.

#hq #haikyuu #karasuno #ukai keishin #takeda ittetsu #yachi hitoka #kiyoko shimizu #ennoshita chikara #tsukishima kei #yamaguchi tadashi #daichi sawamura #sugawara koushi #asahi azumane #tanaka ryuunosuke #nishinoya yuu #hinata shoyo #kageyama tobio

[thirstworldproblemss]

35 Questions Tag Game

I’m cheating: I was tagged to do 17 questions by @fromthedeskoftheraven and there’s a lot of overlap with the 30 questions that have been sitting in my drafts since I was tagged by @songsformonkeys several weeks ago, so instead of doing both or ditching one, I’m gonna do a mashup.

Thanks for thinking of me, friends! 🥰😘 (Sorry I’m bad at following directions!)

Rules:  answer 17 30 35 questions and tag 17 20 some blogs you want to get to know better

Name/Nickname:  I’m trying to keep my name off this blog for plausible deniability reasons (I have a young teenager who is out here in the wilds of the internet reading fanfic, and we'll both be happier if she and/or her fanfic-reading friends don’t find out for sure that I write smut fics just yet or... uh... ever.)  You can call me thirst or twp, I guess? (Or by my actual name in chats & msgs that aren't public ; )

Gender:  female (she/her)

Star sign:  Libra

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw, probably?

Height:  5′ 5.5″ (approx 166cm). I always hoped I’d hit 5′6″, but at this point, that ship has sailed. I'm shrinking if anything

Time:  8:31am

Birthday:  mid October

Favorite bands: Beach Boys, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Nico & Vinz, REO Speedwagon & basically anything from the 80′s, Walk the Moon.  (My music tastes are eclectic, and there’s not a whole lot I don’t like.)

Favorite solo artists:  Matt Nathanson, Prince, Rihana, Taylor Swift (one of the few artists all of my girls & I can agree on) 

Song stuck in your head:  ‘Some Things Never Change’ from the Frozen 2 soundtrack (#momlife)

Last movie:  Kronk’s New Groove (#sameasabove)

Last show:  The Mandalorian 

When did I create this blog:  June 2020

What I post:  Mostly Pedro Pascal character gifs, fan art & fanfic.

Last thing I googled:  converting 65.5 inches to cm

Why I chose my url:  ‘Cause I like puns/wordplay and it... uh... seemed like a good idea at the time?

Other blogs:  Yep, several! Main is here, but don’t bother tagging me over there, 'cause I wont see if for like a month (if at all(

Do I get asks:  Some and I love them!!

Following:  991 (so yeah, tag or msg me if you want to make sure I see something)

Followers:  395 on this blog

Average hours of sleep:  My sleep schedule is shit and ranges from 2-12ish hours/night), so who tf even knows anymore. 

Lucky number:  not sure I have one... maybe 11?

Instruments Played:  Piano very poorly

What I’m wearing:  purple henley over a tank top and jeans

Dream job:  I dunno... zookeeper? librarian? studio artist? voice actor? author/artist of children’s picture books?  (I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up)

Dream trip:  One of my cousins took a year off after college and spent the entire time traveling, visiting something like 40+ countries as he circumnavigated the globe, and that sounds pretty fantastic!  Otherwise, maybe something lazy and tropical where someone else manages all the planning and logistics (I am but a tired, stressed-out mom...  I just want to nap the day away until someone calls me for dinner). 

Favorite food:  Mexican (though that gets a little tricky now that I’m not eating dairy)

Nationality:  American

Favorite song(s):  This changes frequently, but current things on repeat are:  Van Horn by Saint Motel, Uncharted by Sara Bareilles, Holding Out for a Hero from Shrek 2, Oh What a Night by the Four Seasons, Downtown by Macklemore, Africa by Toto

Favorite author(s):  Jane Austen, Tolkien, Tamora Pierce, Steven King, Sandra Boynton, Dr Seuss, Shakespeare, Shel Silverstein, Simon R Green, Mercedes Lackey, Edgar Allan Poe, Terry Pratchett, Rumiko Takahashi, and so many others.

Last book:  Ahahahahaha... “real” books... in this economy?  Can I count the Boxcar Children Mystery I started the last time I forgot to take my phone with me to the bathroom? 😅  ...or Simplicity Parenting (reading it for a parent book group run by one of my kids’ teachers)?  These days, when I have time to read for fun, I’m all about fatnfic.

Top 3 fictional universes I wanna live in:  Star Trek tos, Dinotopia, Xanth

Aesthetics:  comfort, green plant life, water flowing (oceans, rivers, lakes), animals, overcast days, the sky, blue green, lots of soft pillows

Favorite animal noise:  cat purring

Random: Our heater is on the fritz, so it’s very cold in our house right now!

Zero pressure tagging (you can do 17, 30, or all 35 questions), and anyone else who wants to do this should consider themselves tagged & tag me when they do it!): @abuttoncalledsmalls @alwaysbethewest @anxiety-riddled-mando @frannyzooey @goldafterglow @heatherbel @immortalstarme @ithinkwehitametaphor @javiers-tac-vest @keeper0fthestars @knittingqueen13 @ladyblogger-margie @no-droids-on-sunday @remmyswritings

#twp speaks #about me #tag games #30 questions tag game #17 questions tag game #35 questions #personal

[justbecausewhynot]

Azriel: Fluff Alphabet

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Azriel loves his chest. As weird as that sounds, he loves when you lay your head on it and how you always listen to his heartbeat. 

He loves your face. The expressions you make when you’re sleeping, kissing your cheeks and forehead, he loves it all. He especially loves it when you stare at him and when he stares at you. 

 B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Azriel eventually wants kids, but at the moment, just wants you to himself for a bit. Because of his childhood, he wants to prove that he can do better than what he was put through and make sure he is ready when it does happen. The thought of being that responsible for someone secretly scares him. He just wants to be the best dad possible and give his children the best life he can. On the other hand, the thought of you as a mother is perfect and he knows that you will make an amazing mom. Inside, Azriel is still worried that you wouldn’t want to have that sort of commitment to him, but eventually accepts that you feel the same that he does about you.

 C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

Azriel loves to be the big spoon and wrap you within his enormous wings. The two of you are so drastically different in size, when he holds you, your entire body is covered. Though he would never admit it to anyone, he also loves it when you just lay your head on his chest and hold him. 

 D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Azriel always tries to do the most for dates in a personal sense. Something simple but at the same time very romantic. Aside from the frequent dinners on the roof or trips to different restaurants in velaris, Azriel plans different adventures and events for just the two of you. Whether it be picnics in the park under a willow tree with a full course meal and wine, or star gazing on the top of a mountain laying on a blanket, he always comes up with something new and elaborate. 

 E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

You are the flame to my shadows

 F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

Azriel instantly felt a deep connection with you the first time he saw you. Being the shy boi he is, whenever he would see you, he would feel amazing but tried to keep his cool and stay level headed. While talking or spending time with him, his feelings towards you became more and more strong, but he was unsure if you felt the same. The first time you kissed and the mating bond snapped into place, he knew he loved you.

 G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Azriel is the most gentle it is possible to be. He always puts you first and makes sure you are always comfortable, happy and well. By constantly checking in and simple shows of affection throughout the day, he shows his soft side. 

 H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

Azriel likes to hold your hand in his or on his lap whenever you are sitting or lounging. When you are walking, he stands close to you but doesn't hold your hand as much. Instead he sometimes holds you by the waist and spreads his wings a little farther so that they will cover your body. 

 I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

The first time he saw you, Azriel thought you were the most beautiful person, inside and out. He saw that you were kind hearted as well as a picture of poise and elegance. 

 J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Azriel gets jealous when anyone looks at you, he knows you would never do anything to hurt him, but he still stiffens at the thought of anyone else wanting you. He also gets frustrated when Cassian flirts with you. You will often play back and pretend to be madly in love with the illyrian until it gets too much for Azriel and he takes you away playfully while you  laugh with Cassian. 

 K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

Azriel likes to take long and soft kisses, often exploring your face and neck in the process.He also loves small cheek, forehead and nose kisses, either giving or receiving. He made the first move after you had been talking for a bit and the mating bond was so close to snapping in place, he could almost feel it push the two of you together. Thankfully, you kissed back, and instantly knew the two of you were mates.

 L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

Even though the mating bond was in place, Azriel was still scared about your feelings. He didn’t want to say anything too soon in case you didn’t feel the same, so you ended up saying it first. Once you did, he immediately said it back and was enormously happy.

 M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

His favourite memory with you was when you went on a walk around a scenic park at dusk and it started pouring rain while you were out. Both your clothes got drenched before he had the chance to get you out of the storm, and it was too late when he was ready to. There was constant lightning filling the sky, and it would be dangerous to fly. The two of you ran hand in hand to a large tree on the side of the path and took shelter before winnowing back to your house. 

 N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Azriel knows you don’t need or want expensive things, so instead he chooses more thoughtful and personal things to give you. Unable to help it, with his enormous wealth, he still buys you the occasional gift just because.

 O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Light dusty pink reminds Azriel of you. You are so kind and heartfelt, he thinks the colour suits you perfectly. It goes so well with the Night court’s signature navy blue and the dynamic of the two colours describes your relationship perfectly.

 P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Azriel will call you dear and love, but doesn’t go for the sickeningly sweet pet names unless he wants something from you or is being ironic. Then he opts for goddess divine or  honey bun.

 Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

Azriel loves reading with you. He loves to read and you being there makes it so much better. Sometimes you will play with his hair or he will mindlessly draw circles on your hand. Even though it is silent the whole time, it is perfect just to have you near while you both enjoy something you like. 

 R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

On rainy days, when the two of you are free, Azriel will often prepare an indoor date for just the two of you. Things like preparing a fancy dinner and dessert together and eating it in your finest cutlery, wearing a ball gown with jewelry and him a suit. Or setting up a blanket and picnic food on the porch while it pours just a few feet away. Rainy Days are like breaks from your everyday life when you can just calm down and relax with Azriel.

 S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

When Azriel is upset, you will always make him feel better. Though he never explicitly states he is upset, you can always tell by how he doesn’t talk much and just wants to be with you. When you are sad, you do the same, but Azriel always wants to know what the problem is and instantly tries to fix it once you have calmed down.  

 T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

The two of you love to dream about your future and picture how things will be. The details can get so specific, from talking about what colour your room will be to baby names. Every so often, when the mood is right, Azriel talks about his past and family, and you about yours, but your conversations tend to be light and positive. 

 U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Whenever Azriel is uptight or upset, you instantly make him feel better, but when he can’t get to you, or you are busy, he reads.

 V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

Azriel is not the sort of person to boast about things, but when he is with the inner circle, the topic of his wingspan sometimes comes up. Instead of defending himself for everything, you often will say something in his place, though sometimes backhandedly slapping him which makes everyone laugh. 

 W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

Azriel proposes after you find out he is your mate. He waits until starfall and after everyone has resigned from dancing and drinking, he takes you to go star-watching on the top of the mountain and proposes at the height of the brightness. 

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

You and Azriel listen to classical music all the time, but the carnival of animals: The swan really reminds you of the other. 

 Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Azriel knew he wanted to marry you once the mating bond clicked into place. Before that he was very unsure about your feelings and what your relationship was, but once it happened, he knew. 

 Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Azriel would want something that could watch you and protect you when he was out on missions. Though he knows you are entirely capable of taking care of yourself, he still worries over you and wants to always be ready for anything.

Tag List (open, send me a message if u want in)

@theimaginehotspot

@moonlit-stardust

#acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #sjm #azriel #rhysand #azriel x reader #feyre #cassian #fluff

[hey-hamlet]

I made an AU but Tumblr won't let me send the whole thing and I'm impatient

Well, fuck my need for privacy, because none of my friends really “love” BNHA like I do, and the limit for Tumblr anonymous asks are apparently “five” and I want some feedback (and validation. I admire you a lot and love your works, hamlet. God, I’m a mess) So, here we go. 

I’m just going to call this AU “The ‘Quirkless’ Givers” AU. So, in this BNHA AU, most people who gain quirks lose a piece of the humanity they and their anncestors once had. Sometimes it’s their intelligence, sometimes it’s their empathy, sometimes it’s their bravery. 

It’s part of the reason why so many people with strong quirks don’t apply them well or become selfish heroes.

However, Quirkless people, or people with weak/invisible quirks? They’re the most human of humanity, and that’s to say, while they may not be the strongest or most clever, their empathy is very strong. While some don’t show it, they all have a heightened sense of emotional awareness. Basically, a case of “you gain some, you lose some”.

The only setback? Most quirkless people do not live over twenty. Quirklessness is considered a disease, because in some ways, it is. 

See, quirkless people may be emotionally strong and aware, their bodies aren’t. All quirkless people are born “sick”. They all seem to have some sort of illness that drains their weakened bodies of its energy, until eventually, their bodies gives up. Because of this, most quirkless people remain in hospitals.

It only adds to the pre-existing myth that “Quirklessness is contagious” (it really isn’t), so the people who live past twenty don’t get to live long, often taking their own lives.

Except… they aren’t quirkless. Not really. And only one person knows this.

Quirkless people actually have the ability to give their energy, their happiness, their well-being to others- all at the cost of their own. And when you live in a hospital, there’s plenty of people to give it to.

Midoriya Izuku was born Quirkless and sickly. Before he turned four, he often played with the other kids at his school who were often accident-prone. (He’d visit everyone when they were sick and/or at the hospital. Some kids who observed fatally injured were miraculously cured/healed. I wonder why… )

Anyways, when he was diagnosed “Quirkless”, Inko immediately rushed Izuku to the hospital to see if he had “the disease”. Unfortunately, he observed several symptoms. 

Fortunately, though, he was told that, while he would probably have to stay in the hospital in his teenage years, he could, for now, stay at home and go outside.

Cue Izuku walking around town and helping everyone he can. He actually runs into a lot of (future) Class 1-A like this, as well as two very familiar black-haired and yellow-haired teachers… hm…

His friends either avoid him (because of the stigmas around “Quirklessness”) or treat him like glass. Bakugo tries this, too, and at this point, he’s Izuku’s only friend, so Izuku sets him straight… by clocking him with his fist. (He got in trouble, but it fixed his relationship with “Kacchan” by reassuring him “I may not become a hero by your side, but I can help where I can and I’m strong enough to hold my own”.) 

As his little “walks” continues, his health deteriorates and it stresses out his mom. He’s actually hospitalized at the early age of eleven. The symptoms just got worse faster than the doctors thought they would. 

The Bakugos and Inko visit Izuku frequently (Inko and Kacchan: daily, the rest of the Bakugos every weekend). Occassionally, one of his school friends will come hang out… from a distance (and we thought misinformation was bad in this day and age). Kacchan will come and drop off schoolwork/homework, because Izuku was dropped off the school registry, because the school decided, with Izuku bedridden, there’d be no point in continuing his education. Izuku and Kacchan were very salty.

Anyways, Izuku meets many people who are in need of help, love, and encouragement during his stay. Whenever he’s allowed to (or if he decides to sneak out), he’ll walk around and help visitors and reassure them that things will be alright. Somehow, the people he visits are discharged early for somehow recovering so quickly… hm… 

(He also meets Todoroki Rei during his time there and quickly befriends her. She laments to him of a husband who she loves but keeps her caged here. Soon enough, she gains enough mental fortitude and courage to stand up and speak against her husband, with the help of Lawyer Mamadoriya. Soon, Endeavor has his licence temporarily revoked (there’s only so much she can do) and her children are in her custody. Izuku is suddenly visited weekly by Rei and her kids, including Dabi, because I subscribe to “Dabi=Todoroki Touya”)

Anyways, fast forward, Izuku is fifteen, and UA’s USJ has been attacked. The damage is devistating, and UA is actually shut down for a whole week because of it. Izuku watches as a bunch of 1-A’s students and two of their teachers are wheeled in (he recognizes all of them, except for Thirteen, from his past hero-hunting days.)

That day, he visits Todoroki and Bakugo after they’re removed from the ICU. He sees how devistated they are and how badly their classmates and teachers are hurt, and decides, since he’s stuck at the hospital anyways, he might as well do his best to keep the other students and teachers happy and help where he can.

(He doesn’t live past the week. He knows he won’t, but he doesn’t care.)

In the end, he dies clutching Aizawa’s perfectly healed hand the day before Aizawa is discharged. 

The next week, school starts up for them again, but every 1-A student and teacher attends the funeral of a fifteen year-old boy who died saving them all.

And to this day, you’ll still hear them herald the tale of a green-haired boy who gave all that he had to them, until he was left with nothing.

(What they won’t tell you is that he wrote each of them a letter. A letter explaining his hopes, his dreams, his passion, and how he wished them the best. However, they will tell you that he is now the dead author of “The Givers”, a book that explains the true condition of the Quirkless. And in the end, the thing he gave most of? Hope. He gave hope to the people who lost theirs.)

Woo, this one was fun. It’s mostly just tidbits and scenes I thought up throughout my day. I hope you like it. I think I’ll write about it, but like I said, I want some feedback from someone who’s actually watched (and likes) BNHA. (Also, what dignity? There’s none here! ;v;) Also, please tell me if there’s something I need to fix. It’s currently one AM, and my creativity might not sleep, but my grammatical skills and logic sure can.

PS: If I could go on a rant on how much I love you and your work, I would. Maybe I will. Just needed to let you know before I disappear off the face of Tumblr again. 

From Hamlet: 

AHH BRO IM CRYING HHHH I LOVE THIS,,,, bru him,,, the truest hero - giving his everything to save people no matter the cost,,,, i love this also bruh the p a i n this is so sweet dude 

b r u h 

#bnha au #submission #d u d e #the givers au #im gonna draw fan art for this ur hurting my soul its really soft #this is #very pain #happy end au that he never dies and is a hero cheerleader and fucking l i v e s

[awesomesusiebstuff]

Time Together Changes Everything

This was written for @idreamofplaid Thanks For The Memories Challenge.  It was inspired by scenes form Supernatural Season 13 episodes Patience and The Big Empty and by my love for the relationship between Sam and Jack.

Characters:  Sam Winchester, Jack Kline, Dean Winchester

Words: 2,113

Warnings:  None that I could think of.  Pure fluff.

A/N Thanks to @fangirlxwritesx67 for reading and encouraging and to @thoughtslikeaminefield for beta read and suggestions for improvement.

Summary: Dean is angry.  Jack is afraid of Dean and of his own powers.  Sam is trying to keep himself and everyone else together.  Someone has to be the adult in the bunker. Who knew trying to raise a Nephilim would be so difficult?

With Cas dead and Mary gone, life in the bunker was very uncomfortable.  Truth be told, uncomfortable was too small a word to describe the atmosphere.  Charged, hostile, despairing. Those were more accurate descriptions. Everyone who remained had been sent reeling.  The world had spun off its axis and no one had time to adjust to the new trajectory.  

 Dean was mourning his best friend, and his mother, and was caught up in blaming the bunker’s newest resident for his loss. Jack was feeling alone and frightened.  Everything was new and terrifying to him, including his own powers. And Sam, Sam was just trying to keep it together.  

He had lost his friend and mother -- and, God, it hurt!  But he was convinced that Jack was not a monster and knew that someone had to look after him. So, in one of the greatest ironies of all time,  Sam chose to step up and protect the son of Lucifer, which included helping Jack learn how to control his powers and use them for good.

Training was not going well. Jack had been trying his hardest to please Sam by making a pencil levitate.  Sam had been trying his best to be patient and not pressure Jack. He knew Jack was scared. Sam was frustrated though, and felt he was doing everything wrong.  He had no real experience with kids. And, even though Sam knew he did the best he could, his own father was not exactly a role model. Sam was worried he would not be an adequate parent for any child, let alone for a Nephilim. Just the thought of it was overwhelming.

Sam wished he could get Dean on board for some much needed help, but Dean was convinced Jack was evil and would turn on them as soon as he had the opportunity.  Dean had gone so far as to tell Jack he would be the one to kill him if he went dark side. Sam understood that his brother’s first response to any strong, uncomfortable emotion was anger. He knew this was part of Dean’s grieving process, but his brooding and glaring at Jack was not helping the situation. 

The day everything changed was the day Jack blew up at Sam and fled to his room.  Sam found him sitting in the corner in tears. Sam knew what it was to feel like a disappointment. He was mortified to be the cause of Jack’s tears. 

Sam sat next to Jack on the floor and bumped his shoulder to get the boy’s attention. In the gentlest voice possible, Sam said “I’m sorry for pushing so hard, Jack.  I forget that you’re just a kid. I want you to know that whether you get a handle on your powers or not, you are not a disappointment. Your mom believed in you. Cas believed in you.  And I believe in you.”  

By this time, Jack had turned so he could look at Sam, his face so open and hopeful that Sam found himself close to tears. “OK,” Jack said.” I’m ready to try again.”  “Great!” Sam replied. “But let’s have a little fun first, take a break.”

Sam wasn’t really sure what would be fun for a Nephilim. Truth be told, he wasn’t certain what would be fun for a child. Sam thought about things he had liked to do as a child. He remembered that most of his favorite things involved fantasy of some kind.  He didn’t think he should resort to playing Batman and Robin or soldiers with Jack. He decided to start introducing Jack to the world of Star Wars, figuring that would at least be interesting for him.   

He left Jack in his room with a laptop and Clone Wars. When he checked back a few hours later, he saw that Jack had not moved off his bed and was still working his way through the episodes.  Sam asked, ”Hey, how’s it going?” Jack looked up and replied, “Good. I’m enjoying it. I’m not too fond of Anakin, though.”  Sam laughed when he heard this. He was taking this as an indication that Jack was not going to go all Darth Vader on the world.  At Jack’s questioning look, Sam smiled and said, “I’ll explain it to you another time.” Jack just nodded and went back to his viewing.

Sam left to make Jack something to eat and ran into Dean in the kitchen. He was still smiling when he said, “So get this. Jack doesn’t like Anakin Skywalker. Dude, that’s a good thing, right?”  Dean didn’t really answer but he actually smiled. Sam chose to see this as another good sign. Maybe the ice around Dean was starting to thaw and he would begin to warm up to Jack. 

Jack really seemed to enjoy the animated series so Sam downloaded the movies for him, starting, of course, with the original one featuring Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.  While Jack watched, Sam returned to the library to do more research on Nephilim.

Thinking about Star Wars and his own childhood had triggered some not so great memories, like how much he disliked being left alone to entertain himself when Dean and his father went on hunts.  Those memories made him realize he was doing the same thing to Jack. Sam might not know the best way to teach Jack to use his powers, but he could spend time with him and show Jack what it was like to be human.

From that day on, Sam made a point of spending time with Jack and introducing him to what he called “the human experience.” He listed what he considered essentials and set himself the goal of checking at least one thing off the list every day. 

Sam was aware that Jack was too small to wear any of Dean’s clothes.  And his own clothes certainly would not fit him. So clothes shopping moved to the top of the list.

Sam never paid much attention to clothes but he found that he actually enjoyed helping Jack find things to wear that he would like and that would feel comfortable. One of their most successful shopping excursions netted Jack a new “favorite” hoodie and a pair of sneakers with Velcro, both of which quickly became part of his daily wardrobe.  

Grocery shopping was not quite as successful.  Jack discovered he liked candy, sugary cereal, and just about anything sweet.  Sam tried to introduce him to all sorts of fruits and vegetables. Jack would try everything but nothing beat nougat and Sam would always catch him trying to sneak sweets into the grocery cart. 

Sam was aware that Jack’s grocery preferences contributed to Dean’s warming up to him.  Dean would never take Jack shopping, but whenever Dean went on a supply run, Sam saw that a handful of candy bars and a couple boxes of sugary cereal mysteriously made it into the bunker. 

Dean couldn’t help noticing that Jack looked up to Sam and that Sam looked happier when he was doing things with Jack. One day he commented, “Dude, I’m glad to see you looking like less of a sad sack.”  Sam gave Dean the patented eye roll and said, “Yeah, I think things are getting better.” Sam knew better than to push Dean so he just smiled to himself and let it drop.  

Hunting was the family business, so, of course, Sam taught Jack about monsters and the lore.  He took Jack out to walk around a cemetery and explained how EMF worked. He let Jack read his hunting journal and some of the notes he kept about monsters he and Dean had encountered. 

Sam stayed away from the topic of Lucifer as much as possible.  He knew Jack had questions. Jack finally came out and asked, “Is my father a monster?” Sam answered honestly, ”Yes, Jack, he is. And someday I’ll tell you more about him and why I know he is evil.  But Jack, that does not mean you will be evil. You have a choice and I believe you will make the right one.”

After that, Sam was always very careful to make sure Jack knew he and Dean did not see him as a monster. He believed that Jack trusted that Sam saw him as a real person and not just some “cosmic entity” with potentially useful powers.  He knew Jack was still unsure about Dean, especially after Dean’s “cosmic can opener” crack. Sometimes Jack had bad dreams and he would go to find Sam. He would always ask, “Is Dean going to kill me?’ And Sam always replied, “No. I won’t let that happen.”

Jack’s nightmares became less frequent.  One morning he came to Sam and said ”I don’t think Dean plans to kill me anytime soon.” Sam recognized this as real progress and decided to plan a Lord of The Rings movie marathon to celebrate. However, before the marathon could begin, Sam decided Jack needed one more lesson.  Sam wanted to show Jack the failsafe weapon to be deployed when trying to get Dean to do anything. Sam left Jack practicing his puppy dog eyes in the mirror and went to find Dean. Sam used his own puppy dog eyes on his brother and Dean agreed to join them in watching the first movie. 

Midway through the movie, Jack asked ,“Aren’t people supposed to have snacks when they’re watching a movie?” and Sam watched Jack unleash his version of the pleading eyes on Dean.  Sam smirked as he watched Dean jump up to go to the kitchen, saying “I’m on it. Popcorn and nachos coming right up. Anybody need another drink?” By the time the credits rolled on the last film, all three were devouring a Dean made “hobbit second breakfast” of waffles, bacon, and a veggie omelet for Sam.

The next day, Jack proudly announced, “I found a case for you.”   Dean surprised Sam by inviting Jack to come with them on the hunt.  It turned out to be a simple salt-and-burn and didn’t require any use of special powers.  Jack showed he was able to listen and followed Sam’s every direction. And Sam knew Jack’s willingness to do the grave digging won him points with Dean.

Jack’s full acceptance into the Winchester family became apparent to Sam the day after they returned  to the bunker. Sam noticed that Dean had begun calling Jack “kid” and he immediately recognized what that meant.  Any lingering doubt Sam may have had disappeared when Dean began teasing Jack about his hair.

 Dean said “Hey, kid.  You’re getting a little shaggy.  Which is ok if you want Wookie hair but…” and then gave Sam a pointed look. 

Jack looked at Sam for guidance, unsure of how to respond.  Sam just laughed and directed a “jerk” at Dean.  

Sam said, “Jack, it’s your hair and you decide how you want it to look.”  

After giving it some thought, Jack said, “I guess I don’t want to look like a Wookie.  Can I get a haircut?”  

Dean volunteered to cut Jack’s hair but Sam just chuckled and shook his head.  Sam decided he would make an appointment with the girl who cut his own hair and take Jack into town for his haircut. 

The next day, Sam and Jack drove into town.  Sandra, Sam’s usual stylist, greeted them with a smile and innocently asked Sam, “And who is this?” referring to Jack.  

Giving one of his awkward waves, Jack shyly said, “I’m Jack.” 

Sam was taken aback because he hadn’t thoroughly thought this thing through. Of course, Sandra knew Sam and would be curious about Jack.  By that time, Jack was nervously staring at the floor. And Sam was hit by the realization that that this was Jack’s first haircut and it was a big deal for him. 

Not giving himself time to think, Sam blurted out, “He’s my son.”  When he saw the biggest smile he had ever seen on Jack’s face, he knew it was the right thing to say.  More than that, he knew it was the truth.  

He felt himself smiling just as big when Jack answered, “Yes, that’s my Dad.”  

He might not have been prepared to be a parent. But at that moment, if anyone had asked Sam Winchester if he was happy to be a father, his answer would be a resounding “Yes!”

 Tagging Interested Parties:  @idreamofplaid @fangirlxwritesx67 @thoughtslikeaminefield @kickingitwithkirk @klaatu51 @aeo10fan

#my own stuff #plaid and the memories #sam winchester #sam is jack's father

[purplesurveys]

1130

survey by nadine07

Where were you three hours ago? Was passed out on the living room couch and probably dreaming away, lmao.

Were you with anyone? Both my dogs were in the living room with me, if that counts.

Have you had anything alcoholic in the last 24 hours? Hmm, I’m trying to remember but I don’t think so. I went outside to eat, but I doubt they put any alcohol in my meal since I literally had a truffle-based pasta. No plans to drink this weekend, either.

Are you wearing shoes right now? Nope, I’m always barefoot around the house.

How long have you known your 1st phone contact? At least since the 6th grade cos I think that’s when she had transferred to my school.

Are they a relative? Nope, I went to school with her. We were seatmates for a while in sophomore year and that’s when I was able to see how talented she was at drawing and painting. She ended up transferring to UP as well after getting accepted to the fine arts program so we got to be collegemates as well, though I don’t really remember what university she initially got admitted to.

Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? Yeah, because I’m a dumb fuck when it comes to these things. I WILL SAY though that I’ll be so much kinder to myself should this ever happen, and no longer tolerate her bullshit and emotional/mental abuse under the guise of ~unconditional love. There’ll be a lot of shit she’ll have to pick up and fix, and I wouldn’t get back with her unless she acknowledges her mistakes and seek to correct them.

Would you ever go skinny dipping with the last person who commented you? That would be Leigh, and no. Idk if I’ve shared this or if this has ever come up on a survey but Andi actually once asked me if I’d like to be a part of a threesome with them and Leigh, and I just had to immediately decline because I view Leigh as a younger sister more than anything and I can’t bear to see her all naked loooool.

When was the last time you saw a movie in theaters? December 2019.

When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? I think the morning of New Year’s Eve. I was already starting my healing process by then and the holidays were getting me feeling kind of peaceful, so I sent her a few voice notes thanking her for the year that was but giving her a heads-up that I might not talk to her for a while, because I realized I was starting to get happier on the days I didn’t force conversation with her.

I honestly thought ‘a while’ would only take a couple of weeks, but I’ve since gotten used without her presence and it’s been 3 1/2 months since our final encounter; and I think it will stay this way now.

Has anyone called you beautiful today? No.

Are you still friends with the last person who broke your trust? That would be JM, and yeah. I find him ridiculous for lying to our faces about joining a fraternity in law school (frats are a big yuck where I live because of their toxic hazing and misogynist culture), but I mean I still sort of understand why he had to do it - obviously not for the above reason, but for the perks and support that usually come with joining frats. From now on I’ll always see him as someone who can smoothly lie to my face, though.

Does drama seem to follow you everywhere? No. I would hate that lol, that would just be too much to handle.

Do you feel like anyone is playing mind games with you right now? No.

How would you feel if your best friend hooked up with your ex? I think my literal first reaction would be to laugh out of sheer disbelief, and then proceed to call her stupid for cheating and for choosing to cheat with her. After that’s died down, I think I’d mostly feel disappointed and betrayed.

How long did your last relationship last? The stint lasted 4 years, but we were technically together for 6 years if we’re counting the whole on/off thing.

If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? No. That’s what I had thought and they left. I’ve stopped trusting my feelings about these things anymore, and will assume anyone is capable of leaving.

Does it make you uncomfortable to talk on the phone around people? I just don’t want to be loud enough that I’m almost screaming around other people, but I can’t always monitor that since I have to concentrate on what I’m hearing on the other line.

Would you rather be 10 years older or 10 years younger? Probably 10 years older so that I can see into my future.

Have you ever kissed someone the same night your met them? No.

Do you bite your fingernails? Occasionally. I pick at them more frequently.

Would you consider yourself very flexible? Nah. Like I said on a previous survey, I can’t even reach my toes either while standing up or stretching on the floor.

Do you embarrass easily? Yeah.

Have you ever tried to talk your way out of getting a ticket? Yup. It’s happened twice; one of the occasions I was able to handle by myself and the other time Gab had to step in to talk to the officer because he was adamant about the ticket and I had started crying.

Did it work? Yes, both times. I’ve only been issued a ticket once, from this annoying grumpy officer in Alabang.

Have you ever been banned from anywhere? Trying to remember if I have been, but I don’t think so.

Do you have a ringtone or do you leave your phone on vibrate? The important messaging apps are on vibrate. I’ve turned off notifications for some apps and I have just the silent banner notifications for others.

What was the last thing you drank from a mug? I’m drinking coffee from one right now.

Has your #1 ever seen you naked?

Does your #2 know your deepest secret?

Will your #3 repost this?

Does your #4 smoke?

Were you born in the 90's? Yes, but by the end of it so I never considered myself a 90s kid.

When was the last time you paid less than $1 for something? The parking fee in Feliz.

Have you loaned anything out to anyone recently? Nope.

Are any of your siblings married? None of us are.

Who was the last person to spend the night with you at your house? Gabie.

How many different picture ids do you have in your wallet? Just my driver’s license and TIN ID.

Do you have a hard time making decisions? Depends on the weight of the decision. The heavier it is, the more I seek out friends who can provide fresh perspectives.

Has anyone kissed you when you weren't expecting it? Idk, Gabie probably snuck in some surprise ones a few times. IBetween the two of us I was more likely to do so, though.

Did you like it? If she did then I probably did during that time.

Who was your date to senior prom? We have junior prom, not senior prom. I just bought my favorite cousin since I had no interest in boys and was still learning how to make guy friends at that point.

Does your dad smoke? No, he’s never tried.

Is your mom over 50? She is turning 50 this year, but not until September.

Do you want to get married? It would be nice to experience it.

Have kids? Yes.

Are there any movies coming out you wanna see? Not that I know of. There are movies I do want to see, but they’ve already come out, like Ammonite and I Care A Lot.

Do you ever feel like you're leading a double life? No.

Do you have any plans to get a new tattoo or piercing? Tattoo, yeah. I’m just super chill about said plan and am not really in a hurry about it. I’ve yet to think of a design and where on my body to place it.

Do you know anyone named Christine? I know several people named Christine but they go by a nickname, like Tin.

Do you know anyone who's biracial? Sure, I went to high school with a couple of girls who are both half-brown and half-white as they both have European dads. I believe one of them is part German while the other girl is part Swiss.

Do you know anyone who works at Walmart? I don’t think so. I know my aunts who live in the US will occasionally shop there though, hahaha.

Has the last person you rode in a car with seen you in your underwear? I mean yeah, as a baby and as a young kid (it was my mom).

Are black bras sexy? They can be, sure.

Spell your full name without 'C','I','R', or 'Y': Obn.

Open the nearest book, turn to page 11, and type the first sentence: I’m at a Starbucks rn and didn’t bring any books with me.

Are you currently listening to anything? There’s jazz music faintly playing at the moment.

Would you ever consider getting breast implants? Before I definitely used to, when people still liked to make fun of small boobs. Nowadays I don’t feel the need to anymore.

If you could spend 30 minutes with someone who's gone, who would you pick? I’d probably pick my great-grandpa over my grandpa. I never met the former; and if I only had 30 minutes with my grandpa (who I did grow up with) I think it would just fuck with me psychologically.

Are you on birth control? Nopes.

Do you know anyone who is bisexual? Lots.

Would you walk into Walmart naked for $10,000? Yes.

Does anyone call you babe? No.

Do you hate it when people try to play with your hair? If I’m not close enough to them I would feel bothered, yes.

Who would you tell, or who did you tell when you lost your virginity? I think I had just told Sofie then.

Were you in a relationship 6 months ago? Yeah but it was cracking and it was cracking fast. It’ll be hitting 6 months this March, actually.

Are you still with that person? No.

Are you the kind of person who has crazy mood swings? No. This happens to my mom and I hate it very much, so I try to watch my actions and not switch rapidly between different moods.

This is question 69...so have you ;)? Sure.

How long is it until your birthday? Around a month and a couple of weeks.

#survey #surveys

[mxenigmatic]

2020’s Self Care Books for Trying Times

With Covid-19 a global pandemic that is still lingering in the air, and keeping our connections at a social distance, added how here at NYPL our librarians miss the frequent interactions with our patrons, I was contemplating on ways to keep our reading connected, our souls warm, and our health having its self care. Before google, I’d rely on the plethora of information our branches hold on any challenge in life I’d be facing. Now with a myriad of problems we can tackle, and resources we can all use to improve our lives, I wanted to tackle grounding and elevating ourselves to cope with our surroundings, than advice I can provide on financial, relationship, life goals, etc.

In this blog “2020’s Self Care Books 4 Trying Times” I’ve comprised my 20 favorite titles for the year 2020 on wellness, people’s journeys, and how health experts can help guide us to a calm and vibrant place for our wellbeing. From parenting tips, to self acceptance, coping with a mental health disorder, or even self care rituals, the need for healthy habits is a topic we all can relate and rely on to keep us striving through this winter, and being united through our current unstable climate. We should never be ashamed of our experiences, asking for help, and addressing challenges in our lives to be at peace with our pasts, content with our present, and hopeful about our futures.

What is Self-care, according to very well mind, describes a conscious act one takes in order to promote their own physical, mental, and emotional health. There are many forms self-care may take. It could be ensuring you get enough sleep every night or stepping outside for a few minutes for some fresh air.

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness refers to being in the moment. This means feeling what our bodies feel, letting ourselves think without judging our thoughts, and being aware of our environment. It is about paying attention on purpose to both what is happening inside and outside of you.

ADULT

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

Topics: Professional Development, Success, Psych Evaluation

One of the most inspiring and impactful books ever written, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People has captivated readers for nearly three decades. It has transformed the lives of presidents and CEOs, educators and parents—millions of people of all ages and occupations. Now, this 30th anniversary edition of the timeless classic commemorates the wisdom of the 7 habits with modern additions from Sean Covey. The 7 habits have become famous and are integrated into everyday thinking by millions and millions of people. Why? Because they work!With Sean Covey's added takeaways on how the habits can be used in our modern age, the wisdom of the 7 habits will be refreshed for a new generation of leaders.

Stay Positive: Encouraging Quotes and Messages to Fuel Your Life With Positive Energy by Jon Gordon

Topics: Self Help, Affirmations, Optimism

Stay Positive is more than a phrase. It's an approach to life that says when you get knocked down, you'll get back up and find a way forward one faithful step and optimistic day at a time. Start your day with a message from the book, or pick it up anytime you need a mental boost. You can start from the beginning, or open the book to any page and find a message that speaks to you. The book is a go-to resource for anyone wanting to inject a healthy dose of positivity into their life

$9 Therapy: Semi-Capitalist Solutions to Your Emotional Problems by Megan Reid and Nick Greene

Topics: Life Skills/Hacks, Self Care Rituals, Budgeting

A collection of the authors' favorite life hacks and mini-upgrades, such as craft cocktails on the cheap or tips for a perfectly planned staycation. Sometimes it takes as little as nine dollars to turn your life around. How to find simple pleasures in a pricey, wellness-obsessed world.

You Were Born For This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance by Chani Nicholas

Topics: Astrology, Self Acceptance

A revolutionary empowerment book that uses astrology as a tool for self-discovery, success, and self-care from the beloved astrologer Chani Nicholas, a media darling with a loyal following of one million monthly readers.

TEEN

Teaching Mindfulness to Empower Adolescents by Matthew Brensilver

Topics: Mindfulness, Educational Guides, Learning Disabilities, Reflections

Effectively sharing mindfulness with teenagers depends on distinct skill sets . . . done well, it is incredibly joyous." Matthew Brensilver, JoAnna Hardy and Oren Jay Sofer provide a powerful guide to help teachers master the essential competencies needed to successfully share mindfulness practices with teens and adolescents. Incorporating anecdotes from actual teaching, they blend the latest scientific research with innovative, original techniques for making the practices accessible and interesting to this age group. This text is an indispensable handbook for mindfulness instruction in its own right, and a robust companion volume for teachers using The Mindful Schools Curriculum for Adolescents

The Self-Love Revolution: Radical Body Positivity for Girls of Color by Virgie Tovar

Topics: Self Esteem, Plus Size Positivity, Hygiene

Every day we see body ideals depicted in movies, magazines, and social media. And, all too often, these outdated standards make us feel like we need to change how we look and who we are. The truth is that many teens feel self-conscious about their bodies and being a teen girl of color is hard in unique ways. So, how can you start feeling good about yourself when you're surrounded by these unrealistic, and problematic images of what bodies are "supposed" to look like? This book is an unapologetic guide to help you embrace radical body positivity. You'll identify and challenge mainstream beliefs about beauty and bodies; celebrate what makes you unique and powerful; and build real, lasting body empowerment. You'll also learn how to spot diet culture and smash your noisy inner critic so you can start loving your body. It's time to create your own definition of beautiful and recognize that your body is amazing. It's time for a self-love revolution!

Out!: How To Be Your Authentic Self by Miles McKenna

Topics: Coming Out, Self Acceptance, Family Dynamics

Activist Miles McKenna came out on his YouTube channel in 2017, documenting his transition to help other teens navigate their identities and take charge of their own coming out stories. From that wisdom comes Out!, the ultimate YA guide to the queer lifestyle. Find validation, inspiration, and support for your questions big and small--whether you're exploring your identity or seeking to understand the experience of an awesome queer person in your life."

Dancing at the Pity Party: A Dead Mom Graphic Memoir by Tyler Feder

Topics: Grief Counseling, Coping with terminal illness, Bereavement. Family Estrangement

Tyler Feder shares her story of her mother's first oncology appointment to facing reality as a motherless daughter in this frank and refreshingly funny graphic memoir.

Superpowered: Transform Anxiety Into Courage, Confidence, and Resilience by Renee Jain and Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Topics: Health, Fitness, Selt Esteem.

The perfect tool for children facing new social and emotional challenges in an increasingly disconnected world! This how-to book from two psychology experts—packed with fun graphics and quizzes—will help kids transform stress, worry, and anxiety

Teen Guide to Mental Health by Don Nardo

Topics: Teens, Mental Health, Body Image, Puberty

Todays teens face and are expected to deal with a wide array of personal, social, and other issues involving home-life, school, dating, body image, sexual orientation, major life transitions, and in some cases physical and mental problems, including eating disorders and depression. This volume examines how many teens have learned to cope with and survive these often stressful trials and tribulations of modern youth.

KIDS

Turtle Boy by Evan Wolkenstein

Topics: Social Life, Friends, Relationships, School Stress

Seventh grade is not going well for Will Levine. Kids at school bully him because of his funny-looking chin. His science teacher finds out about the turtles he spent his summer collecting from the marsh behind school an orders him to release them back into the wild. And for his Bar Mitzvah community service project, he has to go to the hospital to visit RJ, an older boy struggling with an incurable disease. Unfortunately, Will hates hospitals. At first, the boys don't get along, but then RJ shares his bucket list with Will. Among the things he wants to do: ride a roller coaster, go to a concert and a school dance, swim in the ocean. To Will, happiness is hanging out in his room, alone, preferably with his turtles. But as RJ's disease worsens, Will realizes he needs to tackle the bucket list on his new friend's behalf before it's too late. It seems like an impossible mission, way outside Will's comfort zone. But as he completes each task with RJ's guidance, Will learns that life is too short to live in a shell.

How To Make A Better World: For Every Kid Who Wants To Make A Difference by Keilly Swift

Topics: Activism, Human Rights, Organizing

If you are a kid with big dreams and a passion for what is right, you're a world-changer in the making. There's a lot that can be changed by just one person, if you know what to do. Start by making yourself into the awesome person you want to be by learning all about self-care and kindness. Using those skills, work your way up to creating activist campaigns to tackle climate change or social injustice. This fun and inspiring guide to making the world a better place and becoming a good citizen is packed with ideas and tips for kids who want to know how to make a difference. From ideas as small as creating a neighborhood lending library to important ideas such as public speaking and how to talk about politics, How to Make a Better World is a practical guide to activism for awesome kids.

All About Anxiety by Carrie Lewis

Anxiety. It's an emotion that rears its head almost every day, from the normal worries and concerns that most of us experience, to outright fear when something scary happens, to the anxiety disorders, that many kids live with daily. But what causes anxiety? And what can we do about it? All About Anxiety tackles these questions from every possible angle. Readers will learn what's going on in their brain and central nervous system when they feel anxious. They'll learn about the evolutionary reasons for fear and anxiety and that anxiety isn't always a bad thing--except for when it is! Most importantly, kids will discover new strategies to manage their anxiety so they can live and thrive with anxiety

Dictionary for a better world: poems, quotes, and anecdotes from A to Z by Irene Latham

Topics: Inspiration, Self Help, Advice

Organized as a dictionary, entries in this book for middle-grade readers present words related to creating a better, more inclusive world. Each word is explored via a poem, a quote from an inspiring person, and a short personal anecdote from one of the co-authors, a prompt for how to translate the word into action, and an illustration".

I feel... meh by DJ Corchin

(E-book)Topics: Health, Fitness, Management

This series helps kids recognize, express, and deal with the roller coaster of emotions they feel every day. It has been celebrated by therapists, psychologists, teachers, and parents as wonderful tools to help children develop self-awareness for their feelings and those of their friends. Sometimes I feel meh and I don't want to play. I don't want to read and I have nothing to say. Sometimes you just feel...meh. You don't really feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. You're not even sure how you're feeling inside. Is that bad? With fun, witty illustrations and simple, straightforward text, I Feel...Meh tackles apathy—recognizing it as a valid emotion, while also offering practical steps to get you out of your emotional slump. It's the perfect way for kids—and adults—who are feeling gray to find some joy again!

Violet Shrink by Christine Baldacchino

Topics: Phobias, Relationships, Social Skills

Violet Shrink doesn't like parties. Or bashes, or gatherings. Lots of people and lots of noise make Violet's tummy ache and her hands sweat. She would much rather spend time on her own, watching the birds in her backyard, reading comics, or listening to music through her purple headphones. The problem is that the whole Shrink family loves parties with loud music and games and dancing. At cousin Char's birthday party, Violet hides under a table and imagines she is a shark gliding effortlessly through the water, looking for food. And at Auntie Marlene and Uncle Leli's anniversary bash, Violet sits alone at the top of the stairs, imagining she is a slithering snake way up in the branches. When Violet learns that the Shrink family reunion is fast approaching, she musters up the courage to have a talk with her dad. In this thoughtful story about understanding and acceptance, Violet's natural introversion and feelings of social anxiety are normalized when she and her father reach a solution together. Christine Baldacchino's warm text demonstrates the role imagination often plays for children dealing with anxiety, and the power of a child expressing their feelings to a parent who is there to listen. Carmen Mok's charming illustrations perfectly capture Violet's emotions and the vibrancy of her imagination. A valuable contribution to books addressing mental health."-- Provided by publisher.

Check out this link to a presentation by NYPL’s Children’s Librarians, Sarah West and Justine Toussaint on Mindfulness/Social-Emotional Self-Esteem Picture Book Spotlight. Featuring popular book titles in our database of the past few years promoting kids well beings!

Pre-2020 Books

Aphorism by Franz Kafka

Topics: Life Quotes, Recovery, Future Planning

For the first time, a single volume that collects all of the aphorisms penned by this universally acclaimed twentieth-century literary figure. Kafka twice wrote aphorisms in his lifetime. The first effort was a series of 109, known as the Zurau Aphorisms, which were written between September 1917 and April 1918, and originally published posthumously by his friend, Max Brod, in 1931. These aphorisms reflect on metaphysical and theological issues--as well as the occasional dog. The second sequence of aphorisms, numbering 41, appears in Kafka's 1920 diary dating from January 6 to February 29. It is in these aphorisms, whose subject is "He," where Kafka distills the unexpected nature of experience as one shaped by exigency and possibility."

This Book Loves You by PewDiePie

Topics: Life Skills, Inspiration, Food 4 Thought

A popular blogger shares humorous pieces of advice and positivity, including "Never forget you are beautiful compared to a fish" and "Every day is a new fresh start to stay in bed."

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach To Living A Good Life by Mark Manson

Topic: Self Help, Happiness, Motivation

In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger shows us that the key to being happier is to stop trying to be 'positive' all the time and instead become better at handling adversity. For decades we've been told that positive thinking is the key to a happy, rich life. But those days are over. 'Fuck positivity, ' Mark Manson says. 'Let's be honest; sometimes things are fucked up and we have to live with it.' For the past few years, Manson--via his wildly popular blog--has been working on correcting our delusional expectations for ourselves and for the world. He now brings his hard-fought wisdom to this groundbreaking book. Manson makes the argument--backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes--that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to better stomach lemons. Human beings are flawed and limited--as he writes, 'Not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.' Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. This, he says, is the real source of empowerment. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties--once we stop running from and avoiding, and start confronting painful truths--we can begin to find the courage and confidence we desperately seek. 'In life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give. So you must choose your fucks wisely.' Manson brings a much-needed grab-you-by-the-shoulders moment of real-talk, filled with entertaining stories and profane, ruthless humor. This manifesto is a refreshing slap in the face for all of us so we can start to lead more contented, grounded lives."

Zen Pencils: Cartoon Quotes From Inspirational Folks by Gavin Aung Than

Topics: Writing Development, Expression, Quotes

Gavin Aung Than, an Australian graphic designer turned cartoonist, started the weekly Zen Pencils blog in February 2012. He describes his motivation for launching Zen Pencils: I was working in the boring corporate graphic design industry for eight years before finally quitting at the end of 2011 to pursue my passion for illustration and cartooning. At my old job, when my boss wasn't looking, I would waste time reading Wikipedia pages, main biographies about people whose lives were a lot more interesting than mine. Their stories and quotes eventually inspired me to leave my job to focus on what I really wanted to do. The idea of taking these inspiring quotes, combining them with my love of drawing, and sharing them with others led to the creation of Zen Pencils.

By: @Mx.Enigma

She/They/Queen

#new blog #booksarelife #self care #library #nyc #nonbinary #nypl #life hacks

[sumrtm]

*     wanted   plots   !

             *   hi   my   friends   !   i   went   ahead   &   elaborated   on   a   wanted   connections   list   to   make   for   easier   plotting   .   a   lot   of   these   plots   are   taken   straight   from   movies   &   tv   shows   ,   but   they’re   all   open   for   the   taking   to   all   genders   .   i   enjoy   progressive   connections   ,   so   every   one  of   these   plots   are   written   with   the   intent   to   constantly   develop   over   time   &   with   the   notion   that   anything   can   happen   .   i   also   have   a   few   plots   at   the   bottom   of   my   intro   here      !   btw   ,   everyone’s   free   to   message   /   add   me   on   disco   to   plot  &   chat   ,   too   !   𝐥𝐮𝐯_ꮪꮖꮯꮶ!#7392

*     i’ll   look   after   you   ⤻   platonic   .

   *   i   imagine   there’s   a   support   group   of   sorts   on   campus   for   mental   health   ,    &   one   of   summer’s   many   secrets   is   her   own   crumbling   mental   health   .   she   regularly   attends   group   therapy   &   met   your   muse   there   ,   &   after   a   few   sessions   ,   they   became   unlikely   but   very   close   &   supportive   friends   .   as   a   result   ,   sum   confides   in   them   quite   often   ,   opening   up   to   them   completely   ,   &   does   her   best   to   be   the   shoulder   they   cry   on   as   well   .  

*     falling   in   like   at   a   coffee   shop   ⤻   platonic   ,   flirtationship   .

   *   summer   frequents   a   coffee   shop   near   or   on   campus   to   not   only   soothe   her   unhealthy   dependency   on   coffee   ,   but   for   a   little   bit   of   solitude   as   it’s   a   hotspot   for   studying   .   she   met   your   muse   there   after   complimenting   a   song   they   were   listening   to   in   their   airpods   ,   &   sparked   something   in   your   muse   that   has   them   starting   to   frequent   the   coffee   shop   a   lot   more   often   now   hoping   they’ll   see   summer   .   &   maybe   ,   just   maybe   ,   she   chooses   to   sit   by   the   window   instead   of   in   the   back   like   she   usually   does   ,   or   gets   in   line   behind   them   for   a   second   bev   when   her��  first   one   is   still   half   full   to   “stumble   upon”   them   b/c   she   wants   to   see  them   just   as   badly   .      

*     no   halo   ⤻   platonic   .

   *   whether   it’s   stress   from   an   exam   ,   the   frustration   after   seeing   an   ex   post   their   new   ting   on   insta   ,   or   simple   boredom   transferred   into   trouble   ,   sum   can   count   on   this   muse   for   some   chaotic   coping   techniques   .   including   but   not   limited   to   skipping   classes   altogether   to   get   high   at   sum’s   mom’s   house   ,   getting   (   more   )   impromptu   matching   tattoos   or   piercings   ,   traveling   to   the   city   overnight   to   a   rival   college’s   frat   party   ,   or   streaking   after   hours   around   campus   .   nothing   like   some   debauchery   to   relieve   stress   !

*     4EVER   ⤻   formerly   romantic   ,   now   platonic   .

   *   summer’s   a   new   student   ,   so   she   doesn’t   have   more   than   two   exes   including   this   one   ,   but   this   muse   came   into   contact   with   summer   in   freshman   year   when   she   was   in   a   long   distance   r/s   with   her   ex   from   high   school   &   would   visit   campus   .   they   managed   a   long   distance   friendship   &   got   into   a   medium   in   length   but   meaningful   r/s   shortly   after   she   &   her   other   ex   broke   up   in   sophomore   year   .   figuring   in   spite   of   their   feelings   for   each   other   ,   they   worked   better   as   friends   in   the   long   run   ,   they   too   broke   up   for   reasons   tbd   ,   but   are   now   best   friends   .

*     smack  a  b*tch   ⤻   enemies   .

   *   let   the   record   state   that   there   will   be   no   actual   smacking   !   for   one   reason   or   another   ,   your   muse   &   sum   have   an   ongoing   rivalry   .   whether   it’s   cheerleading   ,   their   families   knowing   each   other   &   are   feuding   (   a   really   good   one   would   be   if   your   muse’s   mom   is   who   sum’s   dad   cheated   on   celia   with   &   is   now   engaged   to   !   )   as   a   result   ,   secret   attraction   ,   sum   &   her   eccentric   personality   ANNOYS   them   ,   or   w/e   else   we   can   conjure   .   one   thing’s   for   sure   though   —   they   are   very   much   this   whenever   they’re   around   each   other   .

*     heaven   ⤻   muse   ,   platonic   .

   *   summer   has   an   intense   love   for   music   &   writing   ,   hence   her   majors   .   she   pens   &   records   her   own   music   with   the   help   of   your   muse   ,   finding   the   sound   of   their   voice   or   the   curve   of   their   features   leave   her   roused   .   sometimes   ,   she’ll   call   your   muse   up   just   to   be   in   their   presence   ,   b/c   all   it   takes   is   a   melodic   laugh   ,   a   scrunch   of   the   nose   ,   or   the   sun   to   make   their   eyes   flicker   for   her   to   get   inspired   .   she   sends   all   of   her   writings   &   music   to   them   before   anyone   else   ,   &   lets   them   know   in   the   email   or   airdrop   what   it   was   about   them   that   created   the  piece   of   art   .

*     RYD   /   DARK   RED     ⤻   sexual   .

   *   although   it’s   purely   lust   ,   this   muse   &   sum   have   a   LOT   of   sexual   tension   between   them   that’s   almost   dangerous   to   cut   .   they’re   extremely   attracted   to   each   other   ,   they   both   know   it   ,   but   are   both   acting   hard   to   get   in   order   to   see   who   breaks   first   .   it’s   almost   a   game   of   cat   &   mouse   where   they’re   both   the   cat   &   mouse   interchangeably   ,   &   when   they   finally   give   in   ,   it’s   bound   to   get   dirty   .

*     never   call   me     ⤻   sexual   .

   *   this   muse   &   sum   hooked   up   within   the   first   week   of   school   ,   a   hookup   that   wind   up   being   a   one   night   stand   .   usually   ,   sum’s   not   one   to   get   caught   up   in   s/t   like   this   ,   but   whether   it   was   a   really   good   night   or   she’s   upset   that   she   wasn’t   the   one   to   ghost   ,   she’s   upset   over   the   way   things   went   ,   wants   answers   ,   &   tries   to   be   seen   by   your   muse   .   your   muse   ?   unbothered   .   you   shouldn’t   have   saved   that   number   after   all   ,   sum   !

*     trust     ⤻   platonic   .

   *   while   sum   is   extremely   intelligent   &   one   of   the   top   students   @   dillon   ,   someone   who   parties   as   much   as   she   does   can’t   always   maintain   straight   a’s   —   that’s   where   your   muse   comes   in   .   using   the   gifts   god’s   given   them   ,   they   get   their   way   more   often   than   not   after   working   one   of   the   campus   hackers   ,   &   essentially   gain   access   to   future   essay   material   ,   scheduled   exams   with   their   corresponding   answers   ,   &   lesson   plans   weeks   in   advance   to   keep   them   on   top   .   the   best   part   is   when   they   act   swamped   &   stressed   along   with   everyone   else   when   these   assignments   are   presented   ,   knowing   they’ve   already   got   everything   done   .

*     misc     ⤻   all   plot   types   .

study   buddies   who   are   slowly   getting   to   know   each   other   outside   of   homework   .   after   all   ,   sum   basically   pretends   she   doesn’t   already   know   hers   ,   so   she’s   got   plenty   of   time  to   bond   .

frenemies   .   they   don’t   hate   each   other   ,   but   they’re   faker   than   khloe   kardashian’s   ass   to   one   another   while   smiling   in   each   other’s   faces   .

neighbor   .   “   make   sure   you   check   out   her   mom’s   boob   job   ,   they’re   hard   as   rocks   !   ”   this   muse’s   family   lives   in   the   same   neighborhood   as   summer’s   mom   ,   right   next   door  at   that   ,   so   they’ve   heard   lord   knows   what   during   one   of   summer’s   parents’   fights   over   the   phone   or   mrs.   verona’s   revolving   door   of   rebounds   to   get   over   walker’s   new   engagement   .   not   to   mention   the   first   time   they   met   mama  verona   &   her   children   while   completely   inebriated   &   proceeded   to  embarass   everyone   involved   .

enemies   that   are   becoming   friends   .   maybe   enemies   is   an   overstatement   ,   but   they   didn’t   get   off   on   the  best  foot   .   however   ,   that’s   starting   to   change   .   slowly   but   surely   .

music   soulmates   .   someone   sum   discusses   music   &   only    music   with   .   there’s   even   a   pipe   dream   being   thrown   around   between   them   to   start   their   own   band   &   perform   on   campus   .   who   knows   ,   it   might   happen   sooner   than   they   think   !

fake   significant   other   .   the   opposite   of   a   wingman   ,   this   guy   ,   girl   ,   or   nonbinary   more   often   than   not   pretends   to   be   sum’s   s/o   when   she   wants   the  attention   of   parker   or   her   ex   ,   or   even   if   someone’s   bein’   a   pain   &   not   taking   hints   so   she’s   gotta   mack   on   her   “s/o”   to   get   them   to   fuck   off   .   it   goes   without   stating   that   she   returns   the   favor   !

friends   around   campus   ,   classmates   ,   friends   she   only   talks   to   at   games   ,      tinder   hookups   ,   absolutely   anything   !

#mental health tw #ily all sm ! <3 #i'll try to update this as much as possible but i really wanted to get the ball rolling !

[agentmika]

I was tagged by @synonymouslyyours​ and thank you so so much! I love this and I am very happy to do it and to engage more online, yes and thank you.

RULES: answer 20 questions, then tag bloggers you want to get to know better.

1. NAME: Cherish (yes like the word) 2. NICKNAMES: Cherie, Cher, Chair, cheroosh, CB (said as SEEB)  3. ZODIAC SIGN: taurus (bday coming up soon hehe) 4. HEIGHT: 5′8″ I think 5. LANGUAGES SPOKEN: English, uh intermediate Spanish? I let myself kinda drop it but I can still read, write, speak to some degree and have been trying to pick it up again so please drop all the Spanish show, song, movie, podcast, etc recs. I know very beginner French as well. Wanna be a polyglot one day so I have like 15 languages started on Duolingo and a 52-day streak right now. I would list the other languages, but this section is already getting pretty long.  6. NATIONALITY:  American (all other Americans y'all BETTER FUCKING VOTE) 7. FAVORITE SEASON: not sure because I have things I really like about each season like breezy fall days with crunchy leaves and winter wonderland mornings before the snow’s been disturbed or when you can look up into the sky and all you see is snowflakes as they fall, or that wondrous early spring that @synonymouslyyours mentioned (I wrote a short poem about this exact thing that I will send you after writing this post), or golden summer days where I can lay in a patch of sun and engage lizard brain 8. FAVORITE FLOWER: I like lilacs 9. FAVORITE SCENT: honestly go nuts over this one candle scent called frosted cranberry 10. FAVORITE COLOR: yellow :) 11. FAVORITE ANIMAL: ocelots 12. FAVORITE FICTIONAL CHARACTER(S): too many too many too many, I’ll try to list some from diff media types so legit almost every damn character in the raven cycle books is so interesting but especially the gangsey and especially Adam Parrish. Also love Nicholas Angel from the movie Hot Fuzz. Lup from the Adventure Zone podcast is a babe. Omg and Miss Fisher from the tv show Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries--can’t wait for the new movie!  13. COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot chocolate 😋 14. AVERAGE SLEEP HOURS: My fitbit that I got for xmas is currently telling me it is 5hr45 min. During school time I would say anywhere in the range of 5-7 is common and w/o school, then more like 7-8 hours sleep. I do not do well w/ little sleep 15. DOG OR CAT PERSON: C A T   P E R S O N  16. NUMBER OF BLANKETS YOU SLEEP WITH: it varies, but if I’m using all of them (b/c sometimes they get shoved aside) then rn I have 4 things: sheets, blanket, comforter, weighted blanket. also bunch of pillows and stuffed animals and I frequently wake up with two of my family’s cats in bed w/ me too 17. DREAM TRIP: I want to travel everywhere. Lowkey (kinda highkey) wanna be an astronaut so space lol. Also just on Earth tho, I haven’t even traveled outside the us except once or twice to Canada so literally anywhere else. I think maybe Hungary and Budapest w/ my mom would be nice (her family is from there/she’s always wanted to go) and I wanna visit Hobbiton in New Zealand and also Japan or South Korea 18. BLOG ESTABLISHED: October 10th, 2013...I’ve been on this site coming up. on 7 years folks. I was very much just a lurker early on though and I’m still active and trying to be more of a presence on here so anyone feel free to reach out and say hey :) if you’ve been on here since you basically a child like myself let’s talk about that experience! I promise I’m friendly :) 19. FOLLOWERS: are all very much appreciated - shoutout especially to those mutuals who just like my stuff and I like your stuff and idk if we’ve ever said a word to each other. Feel free to say hi! 20. RANDOM FACT: I know how to ripstik. If u don’t know what a ripstik is, it’s like a skateboard w/ 2 wheels instead of 4. Also I like creative writing!  if any of you’d like to play, i’d love to get to know you more :)

@theactofmakingnoise @actually-a-hobbit @gotohellstephano @hermannsthumb @newts-geiszler @heliodean @deanieweaniewrites @starespressos @kris-kenobi @pirategf

#that chick speaks #tag memes #yay these are fun!!! #thanks Eliora for tagging me! #:)

[psychologyofsex]

Lockdown Reading Recommendations for People Who Like to Read About Sex

I know that many of you are bored and horny right now during this lockdown and quarantine period, so allow me to recommend some of my favorite sex books! If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve probably already seen a few of my recommendations, but here’s a more extensive reading list.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Sex and Science by Mary Roach. Bonk is a great place to start! I read this book back when I was in graduate school working on my doctorate in social psychology and it was actually a big influence on me in terms of wanting to become a sex researcher. Roach does a fantastic job of tracing the history of sex research in an engaging and entertaining way, while also making clear why this research is so important for all of us and how it has improved—and will continue to improve—our lives. It’s also full of fun sex facts and tidbits, some of which are very timely—like the fact that fear releases adrenaline, and adrenaline enhances blood flow to the genitals. This is why people in fearful states sometimes have a sexual response. Hmm…maybe that partly explains why so many of us are kinda horny right now? She also discusses the science behind the health benefits of sex and and orgasm. Among other things, it can cure intractable hiccups, relieve stress, and (potentially) help us live longer (after all, sex is a form of exercise). So if you’re stuck in lockdown and find yourself with hiccups that won’t go away or you just want to get some physical activity in, well, now you know what to do!

A Billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam. Two neuroscientists analyzed the contents of over a billion searches on some of the most popular porn sites and the results were fascinating. As someone who studies sex for a living, this is one of the most frequently referenced books on my shelf. They don’t just report what people are searching for, but also what our porn searches say about us. For example, among their many fascinating findings was that the most popular search term on Pornhub was “mom.” But it’s not just that—searches for MILFs, cougars, and mature women were also quite popular. So why is that? As they explain, part of the appeal resides in the fact that a lot of heterosexual men are drawn to self-confident and sexually experienced women—women who will take the lead in bed. Of course, this book covers far more than just MILF porn—it explores the vast diversity that exists in people’s porn searches and preferences.

Galileo’s Middle Finger by Alice Dreger. This book explores the tension that exists when the conclusions of scientific research conflict with people’s personal identities and politics. This tension often arises when scientists study things like sex and gender because the results of this research don’t always confirm people’s preexisting beliefs about the world or tell them exactly what they want to hear. And that’s where trouble often begins. Dreger documents a series of conflicts between scientists and activists, while also offering practical lessons in how to deal with uncomfortable scientific conclusions in productive ways that will ultimately lead to truth and justice. Check out my full review of this book here.

Sex and Punishment: Four Thousand Years of Judging Desire by Eric Berkowitz. History is full of examples of government and religious authorities going to great lengths to regulate people’s sex lives. By today’s standards, many of the older laws—and their corresponding punishments—seem, well, downright absurd. Case in point: “In ancient Greece and Rome, the husbands of adulterous women had several options for revenge. Most of the punishments allowed a husband to shame his rival by inserting foreign objects, such as spiky fish and radishes, into his anus.” This fascinating book explores the myriad ways in which societies and cultures throughout history (and still to this day) have tried to regulate sexual behavior through the law, and how these laws usually had little to do with actually dispensing justice.

The Birth of the Pill: How Four Crusaders Reinvented Sex and Launched a Revolution by Jonathan Eig. The birth control pill is something that a lot of us take for granted today, but there's actually an extremely interesting story behind it. The "birth" of the birth control pill is a tale of many great secrets, lies, and bluffs. It includes a colorful set of characters, too, including a woman with a dream (Margaret Sanger), a wealthy widow (Katherine McCormick), and a scientist who was fired from Harvard for experimenting with in-vitro fertilization in the 1930s (Gregory Pincus). It’s truly a fascinating read.

Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them by David Ley. Curious about the psychology of cuckolding? This is your book! Ley interviewed dozens of male-female couples from around the United States who were engaged in a “cuckolding” or “hotwifing” lifestyle, in which the men get aroused by watching or knowing that their female partners are having sex with other men. He explores the history of the practice, the controversies and taboos surrounding it (including the frequent interracial themes), as well as how it impacts people’s relationships.

This should be enough to get you started for now; however, if you’re in need of additional reading suggestions in this area, scroll to the bottom of the Sex and Psychology Store, where you’ll find a more extensive list of recommendations. And, of course, if you haven’t already done so, check out my book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life if you want to learn more about the science of sexual fantasies—including tips on how to talk to a partner about them and potentially incorporate them into your sex life.

Here’s to some happy (and sexy) lockdown reading time!

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

Image Source: 123RF/loganban 

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#books #book reviews

[buffythecomicslayer]

Excerpt from Slayer, book 2: Chosen, by Kiersten White

The world is quiet now.

It used to be so loud. So much chatter, beating, drumming, buzzing buzzing buzzing. The buzzing of it all. It used to keep him awake at night, inescapable, like mites crawling through his veins. Sometimes he would scratch at his arms until they bled, but even the bleeding never dampened the buzzing.

Until it stopped. All the lines to and from the world, all the hungry beings clawing and sucking and pawing at it, everything cut off.

But not him. He is still here. And with everything quiet, he can finally focus. He’s powerless, which is unfortunate but temporary. Everything here is temporary. He will not be.

He strokes his arms, smooth and unscarred, so deceptively human-looking. But he is no human. And this world, this quiet world, this cut-off and free-floating world, this magic-less and empty world, this unprotected and uncontested world, this waiting world—

He will be its god, and everyone will buzz with him beneath their veins, they will breathe and bleed and live and die for him, and it will be good.

Amen.

1

The demon appears out of nowhere. Claws and fangs fill my sight, and every instinct screams kill. My blood sings with it, my fists clench, my vision narrows. The vulnerable points on the demon’s body practically flash like neon signs.

“Foul!” Rhys shouts. “No teleportation, Tsip! You know that.” Even while playing, Rhys can’t help but be a Watcher, shouting out both advice and corrections. He’s not wearing his glasses, which makes his face look vague and undefined. Cillian passes him, mussing Rhys’s carefully parted hair into wild curls and laughing at Rhys’s frustration.

I take a deep breath, trying to clear my head of the impulse to kill this demon I invited into our home and swore to protect. “It’s just soccer,” I whisper. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t even like soccer.”

“Football, bloody American,” Cillian sings, neatly stealing the ball from me. His shorts are far shorter than the January afternoon should permit, but he seems impervious to cold. Unlike those of us who are translucently pale at this point in winter, his skin is rich and lovely. He passes to Tsip. Tsip is a vaguely opalescent pink, shimmering in the sunlight. She paints her claws fun colors when we do manicure nights and I try desperately not to miss Artemis.

I stay rooted to the ground where I’m standing. Tsip caught me off guard, but that shouldn’t matter. I like her. And the fact that I went from trying to score a goal to plotting a dozen ways to kill my opponent in a single heartbeat is frankly terrifying. I can’t get my heart under control, can’t shake the adrenaline screaming through my veins.

“Gotta take over for the Littles. I’m out.” I wave and jog from the field. No one pays me much attention. Jade is lying on the ground in front of the goal, the worst goalkeeper ever. Rhys and Cillian are body-checking each other in increasingly flirty ways. Tsip keeps shimmering and then resolidifying as she remembers the no-teleportation rule. They’re all happy to keep going without me, unaware of my internal freak-out.

I’ve deliberately kept them unaware. Things here are going so well. I’m in charge. I can’t be the problem. So none of them know how I can’t sleep at night, how my anger is hair-trigger fast, how when I do manage to sleep, my dreams are...

Well. Bad.

They don’t need to know and I don’t let them. Except for Doug, his bright yellow skin almost nineties Day-Glo levels in the thin winter sun. Annoying emotion-sniffing demon. He watches me from our goal, his nostrils flared. I can’t lie to him the way I can to everyone else. I shake my head preemptively. I don’t want to talk about it. Not with him. Not with anyone. There’s only one person I want to talk to about it, but Leo Silvera’s not exactly available.

I do a quick sweep of the perimeter of the castle. Leo loved me. Check the woods. Leo betrayed me. Check the locks on the outbuildings. Leo saved me. Pause and just listen and look, feeling for anything pushing against my instincts. I let Leo die.

I keep walking. Leo loved me, betrayed us, saved us, and then died, and I can’t be sad without being mad or mad without feeling guilty or guilty without feeling exhausted.

Past the meadow, the tiny purple demons are taking turns pushing each other on the tree swing. That, or they’re trying to push each other off. It’s hard to tell with them. With nothing else needing my attention outside, I end up at the front stairs to the castle.

“Hey, Jessi.” I wave halfheartedly to our resident vengeance demon. She’s leading the Littles through an elaborate game of hopscotch. George Smythe, bundled up and barely able to see under a floppy knit hat, is shouting each letter as he lands on it. “G!”

“What?” Jessi snaps at me.

“E!”

“I can take over for you.” I find the Littles soothing. They might be three incredibly hyper children constantly needing snacks, entertainment, and education, but at least none of them ever randomly triggers a kill reflex in me.

“A!”

“No,” Jessi says, her voice as sweet as summer fruit. “G-E-what-comes-next...”

“O!” George course corrects, wobbling on one short leg before jumping to the required O.

“Good! Oh, you’re so clever. Priya, how are your letters coming?” Priya, a tiny moppet with shiny black hair, is crouched over her own chalk work, which looks more like Klingon than any alphabet I’m familiar with. “Very good, darling! You’re really working hard. Hold the chalk with one hand, like we talked about. Thea, love, fingers out of noses, please — that’s a dear.”

And to think, we once considered these children the entire future of the Watchers. I watch as Thea spins until she falls flat on her bottom. Actually, the future of the Watchers is pretty accurately captured here. I pat Jessi on the arm. “So, you can take the afternoon off.”

Everything sweet in Jessi’s voice turns to ice. “I said no. I don’t trust you with these three precious wonders. We have an entire day’s curriculum to get through, and we haven’t even done story time yet or finished our art projects. Are you going to do any of that with them?”

“I— I could?”

“You were going to turn on a cartoon and read while their fertile minds were filled with weeds.”

Jessi doesn’t have her powers anymore, but I’m pretty certain if she did, I would have been vengeance-demoned right into something oozing and seeping. She’s already turned away from me and back to her three charges. Her whole face is full of gentle warmth and absolute love.

“R!” George declares, hopping emphatically down on it. Jessi claps like he’s cured the common cold.

Thoroughly dismissed, I skulk up the stairs and into the castle. Jessi could at least pretend to be nice. She’s got a lot of enemies out there — vengeance is a nasty cycle — and without her powers she’s vulnerable. We took her in despite her obvious hatred for everyone over the age of ten. There was some debate, given her history, but my mom argued in her favor. It’s a little easier to forgive a vengeance demon who made it her immortal life’s work to avenge children than a vengeance demon who specialized in, say, fantasy league sports rivalries.

But Jessi’s dismissal leaves me with nothing to do. I used to have my medical center and my studies, all my little Watcher duties. Even with so few of us, the castle ran as near to Watcher traditions as we could manage. Which in retrospect was absurd, since we didn’t have a Slayer and weren’t actually doing anything Watchers should.

But now everything has changed. We lost Watchers — Wanda Wyndam-Pryce, sulking off into the sunset, good riddance. Bradford Smythe, murdered. Eve Silvera, secretly a succubus demon and murderer, smushed thanks to my actions. Artemis, off to find herself with her awful girlfriend, the thought of whom makes my jaw ache as I grind my teeth. And Leo, who didn’t warn us what his mother was (and what he was) but fought her to give us enough time to stop her from opening a new hellmouth.

And now we have a Slayer, again some more, thanks to Leo somehow returning the powers his mother stole from me. I don’t know how he did it, and it hurts too much to think about, like everything else. I spend so much of my days trying not to think, and it’s harder than it should be. I used to believe that all Slayers did was act without thinking. I was wrong, but I wish it were true. There’s so little acting and so much thinking these days.

It’s good. It’s all good. It’s good, I remind myself, over and over like a chant. Sanctuary, what we decided to turn our castle into, is just starting out, but it’s exactly what we dreamed it could be. We’ve taken in demons who had nowhere else to go. We’re keeping them safe, and ourselves safe, and we’ll keep looking for those who could benefit from the generations of knowledge and abilities we have. We’re protecting, not attacking or destroying.

Between our new demonic additions and existing Watchers, everyone has tasks and times to do them. It’s more work than anyone anticipated, keeping everyone taken care of and fed, making sure the castle runs like it should. But so far everyone is happy. Everyone is safe.

I sink down against the wall, feeling the cold of the stone radiating outward. The unpellis demon, all four gentle eyes soft and brown and hopeful, snuggles up to my side like a dog. It’s more animal than human in nature, nonverbal, and still recovering from its frequent de-skinning treatment in Sean’s demon-drug manufacturing scheme. I saved Pelly from that cellar.

I didn’t save everyone, though.

I wrap my arms around Pelly and close my eyes. Everything is exactly what we dreamed it could be. Except I feel Leo’s loss everywhere, and I miss my twin, Artemis, with a constant, physical ache.

And, worst of all, with enough time after Tsip surprised me to calm down and remind my body there’s no danger...

I still feel like killing something.

#slayer series #kiersten white #books #other media #preview

[kyliexc]

hey everyone ! i’m mini and i’ve had my eye on this rp for awhile, so im v happy to be here. let me introduce to you my bb kylie ! this is a big long so i sectioned off the parts explaining what’s what. you don’t have to read it all ! <3

❛ chicago’s very own kylie castillo has been spotted in new york city in a bentley continental gt, welcome ! your resemblance to becky g is unreal. according to tmz, you just had your twenty first birthday bash. your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re hot-tempered, but being brave might help you. i guess being an aries explains that. three things that would paint a better picture of you would be hot cheetos with lime, clean makeup brushes, and soccer on the street. & ( cisfemale & she/her ) + ( mini, 22, she/her, est. )

*also, bc i always have to say this when playing becky g. im latina. :)

also pls like this and i will come to you for plotting bc i know ppl can be shy. (like me)

Basic Information

Full Name: kylie valentina castillo

Nickname(s): bean, ky, kyky, kc, k.

Age: 21

Date of Birth: April 15th 1998

Zodiac sign: aries

Hogwarts house: slythindor (slytherin + gryffindor)

Ethnicity: mexican

Nationality: american

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Orientation: bisexual

Religion: agnostic-catholic

Language(s) Spoken: english + spanish

Accent: american with a hint of spanish

Favourites

Weather: fall

Colour: yellow or pink

Music: sebastian yatra, reik, travis scott, 

Movies: halloween or selena

Sport: soccer, basketball, hockey, volleyball

Beverage: tequila

Food: chicken or carne asada tacos

Animal: lions + dogs

Family

Father: alejandro castillo, soccer player (jersey #7)

Mother: lupe castillo (molina), seamstress

Sibling(s): jaime castillo + luna castillo

Pet(s): sushi and lola (dogs)

BIOGRAPHY

parents history

kylie’s dad is a notable soccer player in latin america, he has played throughout a couple world cups and has been on notable teams, even in europe (Manchester United? Barcelona FC? get back to me on this ahahah) He wore the number 7, believing it always brought luck to him and his family. kylie’s mom was just a normal girl who worked in a dress shop, sewing together sweet 15/16 dresses, which she really enjoyed and was good at. her mom’s family had a business and all the women in the family ran that little shop bc they made sure things ran smoothly. kylie’s parents met unexpectedly in a bar when her dad didn’t want to be noticed and her mom was out on the town with her friends. this turned into a fan marrying her idol sort of thing. it was super cute. 

kylie’s dad got chosen to be a part of the US soccer team, this was after he was dating her mom for about a year. before he could leave he didn’t even realize that lupe (ky’s mom) was pregnant with her older sibling jaime. that led to a quick marriage BUT lupe didn’t want to leave mexico just yet SOOO while her dad went off to the states, her mom stayed in mexico working on her business and it worked out really well for the two. 

two years later, after 2 years of a long distant relationship and the family dress business blowing up in Mexico, turning into a whole fashion empire, lupe finally decided to pack up and go to the U.S.A

along came kylie

kylie was the first born in the U.S.A, so she is american but she frequently travelled to Mexico during her childhood, therefore she understands both english and spanish. she is 100% proud of her ethnicity no matter how much hate she got for it growing up. 

kylie was always closest to her dad, he taught her how to have thick skin and go for your dreams. every night they would play soccer on the streets and he pushed her to be better. Kylie was on several soccer teams growing up, and has a lot of photos, awards, and memories to prove it. all her siblings were in some kind of sport. kylie’s was soccer while her siblings would be volleyball or basketball. they were known on the block as the golden 3 for being involved in sports. 

it didn’t mean she was a tomboy, oh no. while her dad taught her sports, her mom taught her how to be presentable. she would always say ‘let them judge you by what you wear so you can prove them wrong with who you are.’ those are words she lives by everyday when it comes to her appearance. 

her parents really taught her the value of working for what you want, even when kylie did grow up comfortable. her mom’s business was growing so much it was known in chicago and some other parts in the U.S. her dad was known for being one of the best soccer players coming out of latin america (up there with ronaldinho), but they both got to where they were through blood sweat and tears.

on her down time she got really into makeup and fashion, she did it a lot for prom season, posting it up on insta that some celebs hit her up to do their makeup and of course she couldn’t say no to that. kylie makes her own makeup out of natural ingredients that she uses with her clients, it’s something she doesn’t sell exclusively, it’s her best kept secret. 

she’s really popular within the latin american music scene and has done some collabs with english speaking people. those are just passion projects for her. it’s like, she’s known for different things, so she does them, but she’s not sure what she wants specifically.

since she’s tiny, people tend to make fun of her height A LOT, which she doesn’t mind, it pretty funny to her. it’s just something that’s been with her foreverrrrrr.

kylie still plays soccer in a league on her free time. it’s something that keeps her mentally grounded.

life isn’t so perfect * TRIGGER WARNINGS: anxiety, depression *

so being mexican in the U.S.A is never easy, and it definitely wasn’t for kylie that didn’t speak english until she entered school. she was constantly bullied and pushed around because of her ethnicity, because she was tan, unlike the other girls. 

of course she made other friends of color and non-color that accepted her but when you grow up seeing that there are people that hate you for what you’re born into, it damages a person.

for a long time she didn’t accept her body image, trying to lighten her skin or make herself look more accepting, it caused her to spiral into depression, she had a lot of fights with her family about this.

kylie developed anxiety where she overthinks and gets panic attacks, but thats why she still plays soccer competitively. 

kylie’s personality

kylie is literally F I E R C E. she’s got two types of personalities, one where she’s a home body and loves her family, will beat you in a quick game of soccer. she’s that bubbly girl with the laughter, sarcastic remarks followed by a smirk at the end of it

BUT

she is also that girl that when it’s time to work, she is scary. she knows what she wants, she know how she wants it and she will get flustered when it’s not like that. she’s got a whole ‘that BIIITCH’ personality, like when she’s on the red carpet, she just has it going for her kind of thing. 

but she’s a goof, and that’s something everyone will notice. she loves to make people laugh and smile. if you’re an asshole, those are her favorite types where she’s just drawn to those people. 

connections?

old school friends

old school enemies

makeup clientele 

squad?

ride or die

drunk friends

sibling like friends

exes ( good + bad + messy + angsty )

crushes ? 

former lovers to friends

um, anything? let’s brainstorm ! :)

#you know my muse is high when this is about... #an entire novel #phew #wealthyhq:intro