“…. And looking back, all the times we spent together, your embrace, those nights we shared, where we never felt more alive…. All of it seems like a hazy dream.”
i wanted you, all of you, but i ruined you, i ruined me, i ruined us, and now i just wish that i could take it all back...
i am sorry, i am sorry for what i did to us, but there was no saving us, i was drowning and i drowned you with me, and i keep saying that i am sorry for this but i want you to know that even then i still wanted you, i know you don't understand, you never did, but i always wanted you, i hated that i wanted you, i tried to run but you were everywhere, so i ruined you, i ruined us, i cried while i killed us, you don't understand and you never will and no one will ever do......this was the part where i am supposed to tell you to go live your life, that i wish the best for you, that i hope you will find happiness somewhere else, but i am too selfish to say that, cause i still want you..
i want to hate you, i want to be able to be done with you. i want to be able to think of you and be able to breathe. i want to be indifferent. why am i so conflicted, still? it’s been over 4 fucking years — four fucking years. i’ve had almost 1500 days to cleanse myself from any remnant of you. fuck, i’m even in love with somebody else. and he treats me right. he treats me better than i’ve ever deserved, than i’ll ever deserve. he is everything i could possibly want, and then some. it’s euphoric. there are sparks and there’s intellectual conversation and lord knows i never wanted to have children but my god i want to have his fucking babies. i want to make tiny humans that will walk on this earth that will have my curly hair and his heart. tell me then why the fuck you’re even a thought in my mind. why can i not cleanse myself of you like you did of me. how was it so easy for you to erase me from your life? do you ever think about me? do you ever think about what we could’ve been? do you ever miss me? is there a piece of you that still wishes it was me next to you? i know that i’ll probably never speak to you again. i have to add probably to that sentence before the word never because i can’t let go of that microscopic shred of hope. maybe one day.
Yes, sadly, I still miss you. I still wish our story didn’t end this way. I wish you didn’t change your mind and we still talking. I wish I can still message you and call you.
But I also now our season is over.. Just give me time, I’m learning to accept it.