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#i stopped returning her calls cuz she's just more stress i don't need
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can my head stop feeling weird for once
#i really kind of hate this#constantly dissociating and getting headaches and just feeling wack#worrying about insane things and getting upset over shit too bizarre and specific to my personal mental fuckery to explain#having breakdowns for completely avoidable reasons and others for no reason at all and yet others over unavoidable stressors#i think i've developed a new trauma since quaratine but i can't explain it to anyone bc it just puts me in a really horrible position#and i can't talk to my therapist because she's awful and seeing her is actively detrimental to my health#i stopped returning her calls cuz she's just more stress i don't need#and on top of all that doing full-time online classes is leaving me with barely enough time to even eat or sleep#quarantine is making me miserable and lonely and i'm getting more depressed than i've been in years#my life is going straight to hell and there's not a single person poised to help me#but i keep going somehow getting things done and keeping my 4.0 even while life tears me apart#pretending like the stress of it all isn't killing me#my own conscientiousness is strangling me around the neck i don't know how to take care of myself when i have so much to do#in the end i'll never be punished by anyone for neglecting myself so of course it's always the first thing i give up#because whether i'm happy or healthy has always been what matters least in my life#from the very beginning i've been living for anyone but myself and now i don't know how to stop#i'm incapable of making my own wellbeing a priority#i think i might just keep living like this until it kills me#bee babbles#vent#negative
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redsoul-kris · 2 years
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"O-Okay, everyone!" Alphys calls out. "How did y-you all do with the class readings?"
"Ugh," Susie sighs, slumping onto her desk. "Please don't call on us first."
"We got this, Susie, don't worry!" Noelle cheerfully reassures, patting Susie on the back, which makes Susie smile.
Before Alphys can call on anyone, however...
"She cursed me!" Snowy shouts, standing up from their chair and indignantly pointing a wing at Catti.
"Only because YOU kept making dumb jokes about Jockington!" Catti hisses, putting down her phone, standing up, and glaring at Snowy with bared teeth.
MK rushes to stand, sending their chair toppling to the floor. "Well it wouldn't be a PROBLEM if you weren't such a FANGIRL!"
Catti's fur stands straight up. Her pupils narrow in anger.
"I'm just, sitting here..." Jockington mutters.
Catti picks him up, putting him around her shoulders. "I'm not a fangirl... I'm his FRIEND!" she growls. "And of course you wouldn't know what that is, you blueberry lemon-looking f-"
"HEY!" a new voice shouts.
The class goes silent. They all look to... Kris, who has stood up from their chair.
Everyone stares in dumbfounded silence.
"K-Kris...?" Susie whispers.
"Kris" taps their chest, revealing who's in control.
"E-Everyone..." Red clears their throat. "Stop it. Seriously."
"Why, 'cuz we're interrupting class?" Snowy sneers. "When did you become such a teacher's pet?"
"It's not that, it's just..." Red pauses, carefully choosing their words. "This... this isn't like you, y'know? I though everyone was pretty cool with each other, more or less..."
Snowy, MK, Catti, and Jockington exchange glances.
"E-Either way, do you really want to spend your time on petty fights like this? The dumb jokes, the name calling, like..." Red sighs. "You don't need to do all that, even if you're stressing out over the group work or whatever. I know you guys can get along, I mean... who would've thought that the four of use would be buddies?" They gesture to Susie, Noelle, and Berdly. "And it's not like you all really hate each other, right?"
Snowy, MK, Catti, and Jockington look to each other.
Snowy scratches his head. "S-Sorry 'bout that, Jockington. Just trying to, eh, break the ice."
"It's chill, dude," Jockington chuckles, extending his tail for a sort of tail-to-wing fist bump, which Snowy returns. He then looks expectantly to Catti.
Catti looks away and sighs. "... Fine. Sorry for snapping at you guys."
"... and the curses?" MK asks.
"You deserved those," Catti grunts. She meets eyes with "Kris", who squints at her. "Alright fine, sorry for the curses too."
MK rolls their eyes, but they smile. "Yeah, yeah. And sorry for the, uh, dumb insults. I know you two are buddies anyway."
Red sighs, collapsing back in Kris's chair with a small smile. Susie pats them on the back and Berdly quietly claps, eliciting a small chuckle from them.
"Wow," Noelle chuckles. She turns to Alphys. "Uh... Ms. Alphys, that was kinda a lot, huh? Do you think we can just... uh... turn in our worksheets?"
Alphys, who has been standing there with her mouth agape, blinks. "U-Uh! Y-Yeah, sure! I'll just, um..." She clears her throat. "You can t-turn your work in and go. Snowy, Catti, Jockington, MK, I-I want to talk to you all a bit before you leave."
The latter four sigh and slump back into their chairs. Noelle hands in all the work, and she, Berdly, Susie, and Red stand up to leave.
Before Red can leave, however, Alphys stops them.
"H-Huh?" Red says. "U-Um... Do- I mean, Ms. Alphys?"
Alphys smiles. "D-Don't worry, you're not in trouble or anything, haha! It's just..." She looks to the other students. "You're u-usually so... quiet, you know? H-How did you do that?"
Red shrugs. "Um... Don't know. Just felt like it, I guess."
Alphys nods. "Maybe I should learn from you..." she mutters. "A-Anyway! That's all I wanted to say, um, you can go now."
Red heads out the door.
"Hey Red, put up my hand," Kris thinks.
Red puts up Kris's left hand. Kris takes control and claps their right hand to it.
"Hifive," Kris whispers.
Red happily giggles in response. "Hifive."
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No Place Like Home💜
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Dedicated to @marvelpotterlove 💜 Thank you for commissioning me and trusting me with your fic. This was a five part series, but I extended it. Basically broke the final chapter in half. Reader is a single real estate agent in Cali. There will be fluff and mild drama. Word Count: 2,338
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Part Five: Boiling Point
"Girl. I don't understand how you're related to those haters, but you'd better get out before they drag you down. They ugly, petty, got bad weave, and they evil, child! I'll be damned if I see you come back with a fucked up closure or damaged leave out all because them city bumpkins can't take!" Ang is right, the fam is toxic and annoying, and they keep trying you but as much as you complain you can't just make yourself drop them.. they're your family.
"They are complete messes, yes, but they're still blood, Ang. Unfortunately, it's thicker than water."
"That's not how the full phrase goes, it's a dangerous misinterpretation," Erik interjects. He's been lying on the bottom bunk with you, chillin. "The actual phrase is 'The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.' You're more tightly bound to the family you choose than the family you're assigned at birth. So in essence... Cut them bitches off and level up."
"Is that restaurant boy?! I wanna see him, I haven't laid eyes on him yet. Let me facetime. Can he hear me?"
"No, he c-"
"Yes, I can hear you," he cuts in again and you have to wonder now what else he's heard. Probably a lot more than you care to think about or unpack. She FaceTimes and you angle the phone at Erik. He salutes with two fingers and her voice goes up what sounds like ten octaves.
"Ok! You are cuuuuteee!" Her grin is so wide showing all her perfect teeth. His answering smile is lazy and sweet, his lids floating shut with long lashes on display.
"Cute? Sis, I'm a grown ass man."
"You right, Sir. You fine as hell. Damn. Y/N? Damn. I know you better, hmmm.. Girl!"
"She did," Erik blurts causing your heart rate to spike. You smack him in the arm to shut him up. The screen angle changes and you're suddenly staring at the seat cushion of Ang's car. Her grinning face eventually comes back into view.
"BITCH! Are you two a thing now, or? Because this needs to happen. Here I am expecting you to look depressed and you're there thriving. Look at you all boo'd up."
"We're not a thing. He was just helping me.. de-stress."
"Righhht... His dick just happened to slip inside of you for therapeutic purposes," Ang's angular brow rose in faux judgement.
"Aight but tell her about the bachelorette party," Erik interjected. Your deep sigh gave away the nature of the story.
"What they do," Ang demanded to know, protective as ever.
---
Screams mingled with a loud masculine voice in the living room, "Get down! All of you! On the floor!" Instantly you and cousin Shaquel dropped to the floor behind the counter, silent and out of sight, listening. Your heart heaved in your chest. "Looks like you women were having a party," a second man's voice yells. "All you need is the.. Strippers!" In unison they yelled and the women's fear turned into loud hoops and aggressive cheers.
"Damn.. I dropped my cheesestick," Shaquel groaned kissing her teeth. You were just glad they were strippers and not robbers. Heading into the living room, you found a space in the audience and sipped on your third canned soda of the night. Jamila's future in-laws were long gone. Mom and Aunt Iris were gone. That one was probably for the best. Looking at the strippers, only one was cute. The cute one was chocolate with small dark eyes are bow shaped lips. He was cut but still thick and a bit stocky. The way he danced, he was working hard for his coin. The other guy couldn't really dance so much as grind and thrust, but the cute one was putting on a show. 'When We' by Tank came on and he killed that dance like he was auditioning for the next Step Up movie. You took a few dollars from your pocket to throw out of respect. That man was working.
"I know you ain't thirsting over a stripper when you got that delectable piece of ass you don't near deserve. I'll never understand that one," Jamira said cutting her eyes. Why she was staring at you, you didn't know. It was actually hilarious because here she was engaged and still flirting with your man in front of you. You were tempted to tell her about herself.
"Jamira, I've been real patient with you.. Don't try me right now."
"Or what? My nigga you mad 'cause I'm right. That nigga too cute for yo ugl'ass. Die mad."
"Jamira? Turn around and enjoy your strippers," you cautioned, "I'm over here minding my business."
"If you wanted to watch the stripper, you'd watch the stripper, but you running ya mouth. Obviously you got some shit to say!" The party was shifting, the animosity growing. Jamira was drunk and starting to really speak her mind. A bridesmaid came to her side, rubbing her arm to calm her but she snatched away, clapping to emphasize her words. "Nah, this fatass bitch always wanna sit back and judge some shit like she somebody important and she ain't, but she think cuz she got a little money or whatever she better than us."
Whoah, never had you uttered those words and if you ever thought ill of them, it all stemmed from the way they treated you. You'd never dare to treat anyone the way these folks treated you and they called themselves your family? The disrespect was real. "I don't know what gave you that impression, but I never disrespected any of you guys. That's something unique to you, mom, and Aunt Iris." Jamira couldn't hear nor was she listening, she just kept yelling and it was obvious she was trying to find a way to hurt you with her words. It was what the family did best, lash out.
"She just a stuck-up, nappy-ass nobody trying to be special in Cali and I hope that pretty ass nigga runs right over through her ass because she ain't shit and ain't gone be shit.. and that's what the fuck I got to say." She collapsed into the sofa and commanded the attention to return to the strippers with an aggressive hand gesture. Immediately, the onlookers refocused on the dancers unwilling to piss off the bride-to-be.
Part of you said drop it and let her have it, but the part of you that had grown stronger and stronger since arriving back in New York told you to stand firm. You'd let Jamira, your mom, and your aunt 'have it' way too many times over the years and honestly you were beyond fed up.
"If I'm stuck up, Jamira, I deserve to be. I work for everything I got and I do it well. This nappy ass hair? It's healthy, it's thick, it's strong, and it's long." You flipped your pressed inches. "..Just like my man's dick and no matter how many times you come onto him like a cheap prom date from Hell, you will never get it."
"That's what you think? Heh. Watch me. I'll be sitting on his face before you leave town," Jamira replied boldly. No one in the room knew what to do, but watch the spat. The strippers stopped moving, unsure of whether to continue.
"No. You watch yourself because the next time you say or do something trifling to me I'll really embarrass you," you pointed willing to take it there.
"Bitch, you can't do a damn thing," Jamira snapped jumping up. She stood inches away looking as if she was ready to swing and she was inching closer like she was about to.
"If you want to get married with a black eye, touch me. I beat your ass in high school I can do it again--"
"NO! ..No. We not doing this. Jamira, sit down! Y/N? Just leave, okay? Nothing against you, but leave," Shaquel waved toward the door and without a glance backward, you exited stage left. You were still heated. Once outside, you had to call an uber. All this ubering made you wish you never came back to New York in the first place. It was pricey. After standing outside for fifteen minutes, a car finally came to take you back to the house.
"Why you back here, ain't you supposed to be at the bachelor party," India said letting you in. Obviously, you'd interrupted her slumber. She yawned loudly. Erik must've been upstairs in the room. "I got sleepy and decided to turn in early," you lied. "Bullshit. I heard you was out causing problems," she sighed accusingly. Instead of responding, you headed for the stairs.
"Don't walk away from me in my house, get your ass back here and answer me," India croaked. "Why you out here causing problems with my daughter like you ain't got no damn sense?"
"Did you know your daughter tried to sleep with my boyfriend?" He may have been a fake boyfriend, but she didn't know that!
"Hmph," India scoffed with a slight smirk, "That's what ya ass get for parading him. If ya'll so tight, why you worried?"
"You know what mom? I let a lot of things go and I shut my mouth and maybe that's why y'all think I'm some doormat, but I'm done holding my tongue.."
"Child please, save the dramatics for Cali. We're all adults in this house. If you bold enough to say something, say it!"
"I'm not doing this tonight," you sighed knowing a whole guilt trip was coming. "I'm going to bed."
"You going to bed.. hmph. I carried you for nine months and then I carried you and your sister until you were eighteen, but you going to bed. Must feel good to be spoiled with all this damn freedom. Leaving whenever the hell you please. Hell, I wanted to sleep but you done woke my ass up knocking on my damn door! The sacrifices I made for this family, I did to keep us together and then your lil raggedy fast ass wanna run to California and rub elbows with the rich and famous like we ain't shit. If anything you need to look inside yaself and get that straight. You're ungrateful and you're selfish. Your daddy was a selfish deadbeat and you turned out just like his ass, despite my teaching. I was your mother and your father.. and you just gone leave across the country? What about us?"
"I sent you guys money and I visited, but how often do you expect me to visit when every time I come all you do is tell me I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm selfish, I'll never get a man. Every time I come here you do anything you to try to break me down. Since I was fifteen! That's all you've done! Of course I don't wanna be around that!"
"You just can't take criticism. You never could. Just like ya big-headed daddy. I hope to God you have a kid one day. I do. One who will ruin your damn life and expose to you just how selfish you are so you can see!"
"Goodnight," you waved dismissively walking to the stairs. She kept talking as you ascended, but you tuned her out. Everything but the threat.
"Be at the wedding rehearsal tomorrow. Grown heifer. And I swear if you mess things up we're gonna have a real problem."
Without a response, you turned the corner spotting Erik. He was standing in the hall, listening. He stretched out his arms and you walked into them resting your head against his chest. You stayed like that for a while before the two of you went back to the room. You were so over this wedding, India, and Jamila.
"You finally snapped," Erik said staring at you in awe. You'd wanted to do that for so long and you still didn't say what you could've said, but as irritated as you were it felt good to talk back. It was obvious he was trying not to say too much, but it looked like he had lot to say.
"You should've heard me at the the bachelorette party," you offered and his eyes begged for more information. You recounted the whole night from the time he left up to the point where you almost fought your sister at her own party.
"What would you say if we didn't go to the wedding," you asked trying to figure out your next move. Erik shrugged, leaving the decision in your hands. "I'll do whatever you want. I'm here for you," he stressed. Hm. You could go to the wedding like planned, suck it up and then disappear right back to Cali. You could pack up and leave the house right now to stay at a hotel. You could even go back downstairs to say how you really felt. The options were limitless. You decided to think on it longer. In fact, you'd sleep on it. Decide tomorrow.
"You need some head to clear your mind?" Erik smirked. He'd been watching you brainstorm. It was an interesting offer, an option you hadn't considered. "Get some head, go to sleep, and whatever you choose to do in the morning, I'll roll with it," he suggested. It was a solid plan.
"Okay... but I need to work off some of this tension and negative energy so let me suck your dick instead."
He jerked back slightly in surprise, "Who said we can't do both? But I'm going first."
"Who's this supposed to be for, me or you," you teased feeling lighter already. There was something about his energy that could lift a person out of any cloud of negativity. It was like he'd been through so much personally, he could relate to anything. His presence was a miracle and a blessing.
---
"So I interrupted y'alls little sinfest," Ang smiled. Throughout the story her expression had changed more times than Kanye's allegiance. She was on an emotional rollercoaster and you knew she was right there with you in all that you were saying. "Don't go," she said firmly. "Leave those chickenheads where they are and check into a hotel. I will finance it myself, just leave." She was so serious. She never liked the fam, especially Jamira. The white couch incident was still clear in her mind.
"I'm going to sleep and then I'm going to make a decision tomorrow. I'll keep you updated."
"Alrighty. Well you two kids have fun and 'de-stress'," Ang said with air quotes. She couldn't stop smiling, though it was slight, you knew your friend and from the bottom of her heart she believed you and Erik were together or about to become an item. To be honest, it would be nice. He presence alone did so much for your mood and he was so wise and considerate. You needed him around in your daily life to keep you emotionally and mentally stable. After signing off with Ang, you curled up with Erik behind you on the lower bunk and went to sleep.
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