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#i straight up had a breakdown in the bathroom quietly then came back to finish what i was doing like. i thing happened
ivyuns · 2 years
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wishing upon a star - sunoo
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genre: angst | fluff
word count: 1.6k
warnings: reader getting hospitalized, sunoo accidently hitting reader, passing out, neglecting health, arguments, sunoo being a lazy bum in the beginning, sunoo doing his best, reader blaming herself for everything, lmk if i missed anything else!
summary: you came home very tired after working two shifts. you wanted to come home, wanting nothing but you in sunoos arms in bed. but that went out of the window when a very small argument that couldve been handled broke out. what worst is that youre now hospitalized and sunoo wishes he could just go back in time to fix everything.
note: hii omg saur ive been real emo these past weeks so ive kinda wrote my emotions in like 10 different drafts so be on a look out for those. ++ im not sure when ill update fever bc im still not even half way done w part two 😭😭 enjoy ~
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it was a week after your fight, over something that could’ve been easily forgiven after talking out. something that could’ve been solved.
but no. you had left your house before he had done anything else stupid.
it was all because you were just asking sunoo nicely to clean up the place after you had many shifts to pick up, as well as studying to get in your dream school.
“sun? you here?” you had walked through the front door, dragging your tired feet to the living room, in which sunoo was still gaming with niki before you left— 6 hours ago.
the living room was a mess with finished chip bags and crumbs everywhere. oh you wanted to just breakdown.
“sun? hello?” you waved your hand in front of it to snap him out of his game. “hey baby, how was work?” he asked, still playing games. you ignored him and just cleaned his mess up.
you went to your bathroom to wash up and heading straight to bed, not having the energy for talking to the boy or anything.
sunoo realized you were gone for a bit and ended his game. he was putting his controller away and before he got up, he felt a pang of guilt. the guilt that you had to do everything, once again.
he quickly put everything away, turning off the lights and headed to your room. where he saw you almost dozing off to your fruit sensory videos that seemed to make you stay sane.
you sensed that he was coming on the bed with you, so you turned around and turned off your phone to charge and fell asleep. or tried to. “y/n?” he called out your name, hugging you from behind. you didn’t respond, too tired to do anything.  
sunoo sighed. “i’m sorry i-“ “am i not doing enough for you?” you quietly said, tears flowing already.
you had such a bad week and just wanted to cuddle with sunoo. but everyday as you came home, the house was always a mess and sunoo was always in the same spot before you left. you felt like just crying for hours but you held it in. you didn’t want to see anyone, especially sunoo, to see you in your worst state.
“all i wanted to do when i got home was- was to be in your arms. be in our bed. i hated work so much. you never came to text me, or ask me how was i. im tired of coming home to you and the house a mess. ‘m sorry sunoo. im sorry im selfish.”
you cried into your arms and felt sunoo try to lift your arms up to hug you but you wouldn’t budge.
sunoo felt so heartbroken. how could he let his most precious girl feel like this. “im sorr-“ “im gonna go sunoo.”
you pushed sunoo away and went to the closet, wiping your tears at the same time. sunoo felt everything breaking down, he couldn’t let you go. especially so late at night.
he got up and saw you packing your essentials in your suitcase. he panicked and grabbed your wrist, a bit too harsh. “y/n! you cant go!” he shouted at you.
the tears increased as his grip was getting tighter, and the way he yelled at you. “s-sunoo. sunoo let go” you whimper. he didn’t listen, but the second time he heard you shout his name with a horrified face, he let go.
he saw the red mark he left. he saw you red puffy eyes. he saw the way you felt sick to your stomach. you wanted to run away and it was all his fault.
he stood up and tried to speak words out, but no words came out of him. you hurried to pack and left the house, leaving your promise ring and house keys.
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after that night, he kept calling you, texting you, begging you to come back. he didn’t know where you were staying at, he didn’t know if you were warm and safe, he didn’t know if you were in someone else’s presence.
the house made him feel so alone. he stopped playing games and he cleaned the house, hoping you’ll just walk through the front door with a smile.
he put up the paintings you wanted to hang up on the walls, he built the dinning table that was just leaning against the dinning room wall. he did everything you asked him to do a while ago.
but everytime he tried to go to the closet, visions of him hurting you kept reminding himself that that was the only reason why you’re not coming back.
he sat alone in there, sobs muffled into the sleeve of his hoodie. “im sorry y/n. just come to my arms please.”
everywhere around the house had pictures of you two, decorated. polaroids scattered everywhere, memories everywhere.
until a phone call disturbed his thoughts. he looked at the contact, saying it’s from you.  and immediately answered.
“sunoo!”
it wasn’t you. you friend had went through your phone to call him about you. “y-y/n, she-“ “she what!” sunoo yelled. he was scared what happened to you.
“she’s in the hospital. please come quick.”
sunoo drove quickly to the hospital your friend had told him. his hair a mess, eyes bloodshot, he was just a mess. he looked at the emergency exit and saw you friend holding your hand while you were on the bed, blood everywhere.
“y/n!” he called out your name. he ran to your moving bed and held your other hand.
your vision was blurry but you still saw the resemblance of his face. “s-sunoo?” sunoo wanted to punch the air. why did he make so much mistakes to end up you in the hospital. “im here baby” he cupped your cheek. the moment didn’t last long after the nurses had to stop him.
he tried to push them away, and yelled out your name through the door. he needed to be next to you.
the nurses reassured him, letting him know you’ll feel fine. but he wasnt having it, he needed to see if you’ll be okay.
he fell onto the waiting chairs, crying into the palms of his hands, dizzy.
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it took a bit too long for sunoo. it was the next day and he didn’t get a wink of sleep. your friend had gotten a thin blanket from the nurses for him, hoping he’ll just have a 5 minute nap. but he didn’t want to lose sight of  the surgery room he was next to.
the doctors had told him that you’ve been lacking nutrients. they had heard from your friend that you’ve been coming to their house after picking different shifts at your jobs everyday without eating or drinking. you’ve been sleeping with a few hours of sleep. and on top of that, the fight with sunoo has been on your mind too.
you overthink, wondering if it was dumb to run out of the house because he accidentally harmed you. you knew sunoo wouldn’t purposely hurt you, he was just protecting you.
all the stress of going back and work made you faint at work. they said you bumped your head on the counter at the kitchen, as there was a glass that also fell with you, resulting some shards cutting into you.
sunoo hoped and prayed, you will be okay.
you woke up hours later with wires hooked up onto you. whimpering in pain, you felt a bruise on your forehead. you looked around and no signs of sunoo or your best friend, but you could've sworn you saw them both before you fell asleep.
seeing flowers and "get well soon" balloons were blurring your vision as you remembered what happened. the sudden memory when sunoo had accidentally hurt you, when you got a message saying sunoo wasn't fine without you, how you saw sunoo's once beautiful eyes red because of you.
all of this were caused by you. is what you thought.
everything is your fault, you were the one that ran out on him in the first place. you were so in your mind, you didnt hear sunoo come in the room. "y/n!" he shouted.
he immediately exited the room and went to get your doctor, letting them know you have woken.
after the doctor ran tests on you, you were left alone with sunoo. the comforting silence was getting awkward for you. "y/n" "sunoo" you both said. sunoo slightly smiled, holding your hand for you to continue.
"im sorry, this wouldn't had happened if i didn't walk out on you" you said. tears slowly falling. sunoo felt like he just lost his best boyfriend award. you were blaming yourself when you did nothing wrong.
he looked up at you and wiped your tears away. "no im sorry for not asking how your day was in the first place my love." he paused. "im sorry for how lazy i was. i've failed to noticed your emotions after work and school. you're not selfish baby. you had every right to be upset.   you are more than enough for me. i love you so much y/n. you're the best thing that happened to me. please."
you saw how sincere he was. his eyes held up the galaxies whenever he saw you, and you saw it right here. he was too in love with you. "thank you" you muttered. "let's go home."
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as you walked in the door of your home after weeks, you saw the place was neatly cleaned and your walls weren't bare anymore. your dinning table all set. every room in your house was now completed, all thanks to sunoo and a bit of help of his friends.
"sun, thank you" you hugged him. he leaned in and hugged you tightly. "let's go cuddle, tell me how your days was, my lady."
with that, you guys settled in on your comfy bed, looking out of the window while the stars were out on the dark night.
you fell asleep when it happened, but sunoo held you close. right before he could close his eyes, he saw a shining shooting star. 'i wish to make you happier than ever.'
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end.
(2022) © dont repost or copy | @ivyuns
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daisybees · 3 years
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literally can’t count how many times i cried at work today :)))
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zintranslations · 3 years
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Kaleidoscope of Death, Ch. 109
Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu Link to Chinese / Novel Updates
Chapter 109: Opening Restrictions
When the two left the bathroom, they headed straight back to the living room and found Xiao Ji, who'd gotten the stethoscope out of the chest the day before.
Yesterday Xiao Ji had opened three chests all in one breath. He was fortunate to not have immediately died. One chest had an item for the humans to use, one had a skill for Hako Onna, and one had been empty.
When Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu found Xiao Ji, Wei Xiude was sitting beside him.
Ruan Nanzhu explained the situation, indicating that the stethoscope could distinguish whether or not the Hako Onna was inside a chest. If they opened the chest after using it, then the risk would be greatly diminished.
Wei Xiude didn't say anything after, but Xiao Ji shot to attention.
"Really? This stethoscope's really that useful? Then we've hit the jackpot, we can just listen our way through."
"There must be a usage limit on this item," Ruan Nanzhu said. "You can go try it on a chest first."
After listening to their conversation, Wei Xiude still didn't speak up, acting as if he was just a bystander. Though he seemed harmless, nobody who made it to their tenth door was easy pickings—everybody was quite clear on this. Plus, all the newbies he'd brought along was telling.
Xiao Ji put on the stethoscope and picked out a random chest in the living room. Putting the stethoscope to the wooden exterior, he gave it a long listen before turning around and saying, "there's no sound inside."
"Try opening it," Ruan Nanzhu said.
"Why don't you do it?" Xiao Ji said. "I'm a bit scared."
He said he was scared, but there wasn't a single touch of fright on his face. Clearly, he just didn't want to shoulder the risk of opening the chest.
Ruan Nanzhu's lips curved up.
"Sure, I can do it, but if I open up an item, who gets to keep it?"
Xiao Ji said, "me, of course. I'm the one who picked this chest."
Ruan Nanzhu, lazily, "as if. I take all the risks and you keep all the benefits?"
Xiao Ji thought about it, and seemed to find Ruan Nanzhu's words logical. He got ready to open the chest himself, but Ruan Nanzhu suddenly thought of something.
"Wait. I want to give the chest a listen."
"Hm?" Xiao Ji was a bit thrown.
Ruan Nanzhu first pressed himself to the chest and listened for a while. And then he waved Lin Qiushi and Liang Miye over. The three listened around the chest for another bit of time, until Ruan Nanzhu finally got up and gave Xiao Ji a wave.
"Okay, open it."
At least Xiao Ji was brave. Among the newbies who'd entered, he wasn't in a bad condition, nor did he show any signs of pending emotional breakdown. After rubbing his palms together, he took hold of the lid of the chest and gave it a hefty lift—
The chest opened with a click, revealing the empty bottom. There was nothing inside.
"Empty." Xiao Ji was disappointed that they hadn't opened up any useful items.
"Come here for a second," Ruan Nanzhu said. "Come with me to the bathroom."
"Ah." Xiao Ji eyed Ruan Nanzhu up and down. "That's…not gonna work, right?"
Ruan Nanzhu, "I said come to the bathroom, not use it. Let's go."
Xiao Ji laughed and followed Ruan Nanzhu to the bathroom.
Lin Qiushi followed and very quickly understood what Ruan Nanzhu wanted to do. He saw Ruan Nanzhu bring Xiao Ji to a certain stall and point at the chest inside.
"Listen to that with your stethoscope."
This chest was the one that used False Answers just now to trick Lin Qiushi into opening it. If there were restrictions on the Hako Onna's motions, then she couldn't have left this chest in such a short amount of time. From the difference between these two chests, they had a lot of information to gain: first was what sounds came out of a chest with the Hako Onna inside, and second was the usage limit for the stethoscope.
Xiao Ji took out the stethoscope and, just like before, pressed the listening end to the wooden chest. Moments later, his expression changed and he swore a low, oh fuck.
"Heard something?" Ruan Nanzhu asked.
"Yes," Xiao Ji said. "There's a kid crying inside…"
He quickly stowed the stethoscope away, clearly unwilling to listen to more.
Ruan Nanzhu approached the chest and gave it a few pats, saying, "seems like she really is inside. If we find any key items, we can actually give them a try."
They had yet to find any items that could be used against the Hako Onna, however.
"Your stethoscope can be used at least twice. If you get a chance tomorrow, you can try using it a third time," Ruan Nanzhu said. "It's a really good item, congratulations."
"Hah, no need for that, I just got lucky," Xiao Ji replied off-handedly.
Wei Xiude had been standing quietly at the side this whole time. It was only now that he smiled and chimed in, "that's right, Xiao Ji's always been lucky. I would never have wanted to help him pass the doors otherwise."
"Thanks, Wei-ge," Xiao Ji answered with his own smile.
Though he was thanking Wei Xiude, there wasn't actually that much gratitude in his eyes. It seemed he wasn't an idiot either. After all, even though they were newbies, the group was at least of average intellect. They had parsed the fact that Wei Xiude had conscripted them as cannon fodder. It was just that they were less lucky this time around, and were encountering a door world beyond the average.
After confirming the stethoscope's usability, Ruan Nanzhu said he wanted to check out the second floor again next, so Xiao Ji and Wei Xiude left.
When they were gone, however, Ruan Nanzhu was still in no hurry to leave the bathroom. He approached the chest again, bending down and pressing his head to it to listen. Then he beckoned Lin Qiushi over.
"What is it?" Lin Qiushi asked.
"You try it," Ruan Nanzhu said. "Who knows if the stethoscope actually has special powers, or if it's just an amplifier. If it's only an amplifier…"
He paused, peeked at Lin Qiushi, and grinned.
"Then don't we have an even better one right here?"
Lin Qiushi laughed. "It can't just be an amplifier, right? Or I could just hear it all, what would the items be for?"
As he spoke, he too pressed his ear to the wooden chest—but the moment he made contact, he really did hear a soft sound…which, upon careful listen, sounded like a young girl crying.
The change in Lin Qiushi's expression gave Ruan Nanzhu his answer.
"What? You really can hear it?"
"I hear it." Lin Qiushi's eyes were wide. "…I really do hear it."
He checked again and again that this wasn't his imagination. He really could hear the sound from inside the chest.
"Fuck, this has gotta be cheating." Liang Miye had also heard their conversation from off to the side. "Then Linlin can tell what's in all the chests?"
"No," Ruan Nanzhu said. "There's a use limit on the stethoscope, so there might be one on Lin Qiushi too. It's still best to be careful. But at least…we have two tries per day."
Lin Qiushi left the chest. He asked, "can we tell when Hakobito are inside?"
"Probably yes, though we don't know what they'll concretely sound like yet," Ruan Nanzhu said. "With Qiushi, our safety factor's much, much higher."
Being sitting ducks was no longer a concern.
Lin Qiushi was quite impressed with Ruan Nanzhu. Who else would've thought to have him try this?
Once they had this confirmation, they headed for the second floor. When they got there though they heard hubbub from the study, as if there were a lot of people crowded inside.
Ruan Nanzhu went to the study to look. He saw some people crouched in front of the strongbox with their heads down, doing something.
"Are they trying passcodes?" Liang Miye asked. "Can that work?"
If they were bent on trying, of course they could do it. There were ten thousand possible combinations—if they counted two seconds per try, ten thousand tries was twenty thousand seconds, which in hours, came out to about five or so. They could get it done in an afternoon.
This was even the worst case scenario; under normal circumstances it would be faster, because it was basically impossible that it would take them the first try all the way to the last.
Ruan Nanzhu spoke slowly, "in their dreams."
The doors would never give them such a big loophole to worm their way through.
He called to the people in the study, "stop that. There's no way there's such an obvious loophole inside the doors."
"How do you know it won't work? Besides, it's pretty standard to try the safe access codes." The people in the crowd thought differently from Ruan Nanzhu. They continued, "and we've been at this for so long already…"
Lin Qiushi was about to take a step forward and get a better look inside the study. Ruan Nanzhu, however, pulled him to a stop.
"Don't go in."
"Why not?" Lin Qiushi asked.
Ruan Nanzhu, "bad feeling."
Practically the moment he finished saying this, there came a holler from inside the safe: "It's open!"
"What??" Liang Miye was stunned. "It opened, just like that? No way, right?"
Ruan Nanzhu's brow furrowed.
Though it seemed highly incredible, they both heard a click and saw the safe open from where they stood outside the door.
The people inside, upon seeing the safe open, even tossed taunting looks at Ruan Nanzhu over their shoulders, as if saying Look, didn't we get it open after all?
"Let's see what's inside."
The person testing the passcodes rubbed his palms together in excitement before pulling open the strongbox door. However, upon seeing what was inside, his expression instantly turned into one of pure terror. With a scream he made to run—but a moment later, a pair of thin, white arms reached out of that safe and caught him in a death grip. In an instant, they'd dragged him inside that small strongbox.
"Aaaaaah—"
The man being pulled in let out a single, dreadful scream before disappearing before everybody's eyes.
What had just been an energetic atmosphere in the study froze instantly, as if a block of ice.
Ruan Nanzhu approached the safe and gave the door a tug. He wasn't surprised at all to find that it had locked once again.
But coming from inside were horrible wails for help. They were coming from the person who'd just been dragged in.
"Help, help me, help me, please please you have to help me…"
As the despairing screams emanated out from within, everybody in the study was turning and running.
The number of Hakobito in the house now was up to three. The situation was getting steadily worse.
Frowning, Ruan Nanzhu said, "this is precisely why I don't like newbies."
Had it been veterans challenging the strongbox just now, they'd likely have stopped the moment he said something… No, veterans would never even have taunted the door's authority to such a degree, and done something like trying to force the safe open.
"Yeah, they've got no sense of deference, and each thinks they're the main character here," Liang Miye sighed, shaking her head. "They keep thinking they'll be the lucky ones, when in reality, they're just bystanders and cannon fodder."
The man dragged into the safe was still wailing. It was spine-chilling to hear.
Due to this incident, by the time Ruan Nanzhu had returned to the foyer the entire house was pretty quiet. The veterans were checking every corner of the mansion, and the newbies were huddled up and trembling like sheep in the living room. Some were even sobbing. Lin Qiushi spotted a man in his thirties inside the group…He seemed like he was reaching the end of his rope as well.
"Let's eat first," Ruan Nanzhu said. There was no point in comforting them at a time like this. "It's twelve."
"I don't have an appetite." There was a pitiful-looking young woman. "What do we do? Are we going to die here?"
Ruan Nanzhu glanced once at her.
"I don't know if you're gonna die here or not, but I do know people will die if they don't eat. Let's go, I'm hungry."
The three of them went to the dining room and found a table of steaming dishes and a group of pale-faced people. These were, for the most part, veterans. Not a single one of them had picked up their chopsticks, and were all silently watching the table of food before them without saying a word.
"What's wrong?" Ruan Nanzhu sensed something wrong in the air, and asked, "why aren't you eating?"
"We can't." Sun Yuanzhou seemed to have a good impression of Ruan Nanzhu, and so replied. "Why don't you give it a try?"
Can't? Hearing this Lin Qiushi blinked. He took a random seat, picked up some chopsticks, and got ready to eat, but then felt some force stop him—he couldn't reach the food in front of him with his chopsticks.
Ruan Nanzhu and Liang Miye too were met with the same situation as Lin Qiushi. It was as if some sort of wall had been put up in front of them, preventing them from accessing the food.
"No way…" Liang Miye's face had begun to go pale; she'd clearly surmised a very unfortunate possibility. "Tell me it's not what I think it is."
"The world of the doors indeed," Ruan Nanzhu sighed. "As if we'd get so lucky."
He'd thought they had plenty of time, but in reality, the door was nowhere as lenient as they'd imagined.
Ruan Nanzhu got up.
"Let's confirm it first."
He went to the living room and called for Xiao Ji.
Xiao Ji said, "but I'm not hungry yet."
"Just come take a quick bite," Ruan Nanzhu said.
Xiao Ji was confused, but still followed Ruan Nanzhu. He too sensed that something was wrong inside the dining room—when he sat down and picked up a mouthful of vegetables with his chopsticks, he saw the instant change in everybody's gazes, and jumped.
"Fuck, what are you all staring at me for?" He glanced at his chopstick, and immediately dropped the food. "There's poison in it?"
"No doubt about it, our guess is right," Ruan Nanzhu sighed.
The air in the dining room was deadly silent.
A bit on-edge from all the people staring at him, Xiao Ji let out a humorless laugh.
"What are you all looking at me for?"
"Can the food be shared?" Sun Yuanzhou asked. "Xiao Ji, feed me a bite."
"Ah??" Spooked by Sun Yuanzhou sitting right next to him, Xiao Ji jumped to his feet. "Man, don't be like that, I'm not interested in men."
Sun Yuanzhou gnashed his teeth.
"I'm also not interested in men! We can't eat the food, and you're the only one who can even use the chopsticks—"
Seeing that Xiao Ji was still clueless, Sun Yuanzhou picked up his chopsticks and decided to give Xiao Ji a practical demonstration.
At first Xiao Ji thought that Sun Yuanzhou was joking, because surely it was too absurd. But when he saw that everybody else's expressions were deadly serious, he realized this wasn't a joke.
"You guys mean that if you don't open a chest, you can't eat?"
"Yes," Ruan Nanzhu said.
"So why could we eat breakfast?" Xiao Ji asked.
Liang Miye made a joke that wasn't funny at all: "Maybe they were worried we'd have low blood sugar?"
"Hurry up and try to see if you can feed me or not." Sun Yuanzhou was a bit impatient. "I'm starving."
Xiao Ji, "…can I try on somebody else?"
His glance slid toward Ruan Nanzhu. Feeding a beautiful young lady, after all, was a far more joyous affair than feeding a rough and tumble old guy.
Sun Yuanzhou sneered, "you sure got a lot of shit to say."
Xiao Ji, "…"
Under the force of Sun Yuanzhou's glower, Xiao Ji unwillingly compromised. He picked up a bite of food in his chopsticks and began delivering it into Sun Yuanzhou's mouth. But before it could get there, Xiao Ji felt a blockage around the chopsticks in his hands. It should have been within easy reach, but he simply couldn't put the food into Sun Yuanzhou's mouth.
"Great." Seeing this, the group had irrefutable evidence to the truth of the hypothesis. Someone at the table blew a fuse, swearing in dialect: "This dick shite of a door, son of a cunt."
Lin Qiushi kind of wanted to laugh at his words, but it didn't feel appropriate. So he covered his mouth with a hand.
"What do we do?" Liang Miye was crumbling a bit. "If we want to eat we have to open the chests…Dammit, I knew there had to be a time limit."
And they'd thought the door was showing them mercy for once. Who'd have thought it had been lying in wait right here?
There was indeed a bug in this game. If players didn't open any chests, then the Hako Onna couldn't make her moves. With enough time, they could use one item on every single chest. They could even amass a lot of useful items.
For the Hako Onna to kill, after all, there was the necessary condition.
But the door was blockading off that potential path right now. It was also giving them a multiple choice problem: they could either get grabbed by the Hako Onna, or they could starve to death inside the mansion.
Xiao Ji had also understood his own peculiar position. He grabbed a bowl in a hurry and shoveled in a few mouthfuls of rice, mumbling, "I'm gonna eat first then, if you guys don't mind…"
Everybody's eyes on him were like they couldn't wait to eat him alive.
Liang Miye let out one long exhale before looking at Ruan Nanzhu.
"What do we do, Zhu Meng?"
Ruan Nanzhu, "what can we do? We're not eating then." Dropping the chopsticks, he got to his feet. "Let's go."
Lin Qiushi and Lin Qiushi followed him out the dining room. The other veterans gradually left as well. Somberness painted everybody's faces.
Xiao Ji also knew he was just begging to be resented, so after scarfing down all the rice in his bowl, he also quickly took off.
Lin Qiushi's group returned to their room. The three sat down in intense quiet.
"We don't eat today," Ruan Nanzhu spoke placidly. "We wait until Linlin gives some chests a listen tomorrow, and then eat."
Starving for one day wouldn't kill you, but opening up just one wrong box could mean your life.
"Didn't think there'd be this kind of limitation," Liang Miye said. "It's practically forcing us to suicide."
In the tabletop, there was no such issue of forcing players to open chests. It was only a game, after all, and to win the game, players would certainly go looking for and opening chests.
But it was different now that the game had become reality. What they would lose wasn't that tiny unimportant character role, but their own lives. If they had the option, who would put their own lives on the line? They'd all rather stay in the mansion for longer than take this kind of risk.
Now, however, with such a restriction, the door was forcing the players into activity.
All the veteran readily accepted this reality, but to the newbies, this was too cruel of a development.
Even on the second floor, Lin Qiushi could hear their wailing from the first. In between the wails were terrible cries: "I don't want to open the chests, I don't want to open them—I want to leave, let me out!!"
Somebody began to batter at the door, trying to escape from the mansion.
"Wei Xiude, Wei Xiude! You said you'd protect us!" Someone else had gone to find Wei Xiude, and spoke with a shaky voice. "What are we meant to do now!"
Wei Xiude calmed them down with some superficial comfort, saying things like there would definitely be a solution. As for what that solution could be, he wasn't likely to know himself.
But Lin Qiushi could tell he indeed wasn't in a rush. Xiao Ji was in his group and was in possession of a key item. They could open two chests per day, so he and Xiao Ji at least were saved.
This sudden rule plunged the entire mansion into chaos. By the time the dust settled, it was already evening.
Sun Yuanzhou gathered everyone on the first floor and called for a group meeting.
Everybody sat in dead silence around the table, listening to Sun Yuanzhou speak. "We've already come to this point. Does everybody understand now that this is a team effort?"
He slammed his hand onto the table.
"We have to work together, or we're all dying inside this door!"
Afte a long beat of silence, somebody spoke: "How do we work together?"
"We'll start by opening chests," Sun Yuanzhou said. "I won't force you. You can starve to death if you'd like."
But, after opening a chest, please stick a slip of paper on the chest to prevent repeats. They should also write what they found inside the chests on the paper.
"Okay," Ruan Nanzhu agreed, hands on his elbows. "But what happens if somebody lies?"
"Then we kick the liar out of the group," Sun Yuanzhou answered coldly. "The Hako Onna is annoying enough, we don't have the energy for infighting. I hope every single one of us can be dead clear on this point."
Translator’s Note:
I’ve always been on the liberal side when it comes to translating curses, but if someone who knows—is it Chongqing? Sichuan?—dialect wants to give me an English equivalent for “撒子錘子門哦,寶批龍胎的” I’d love to know it ("This dick shite of a door, son of a cunt"). It’s just vibes rn skdjfnkds
[Ch. 108] | [Ch. 110]
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xxx-cat-xxx · 3 years
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heaven forbid (you end up alone)
Two years on and I'm still not over Endgame. But at least I finally finished this fic!
A word of warning; this one is Endgame-compliant and centred around the topic of grief and Pepper’s and Happy’s friendship in the aftermath of Tony’s death.
Major thanks to @twentyghosts​ for beta reading.
*
Throughout her life, Pepper has always divided her days into small pieces, regulated by meticulous plans. She can’t remember ever waking up without a mental―or written―to-do list and a clear idea in which order to tackle it. It’s her way of managing a multinational company. Of managing Tony, which was arguably more challenging than SI’s 300,000 other employees combined. Of managing her own alien-invaded, super power-sprinkled, increasingly absurd life. 
And whenever things get overwhelming and she feels like she’s falling into a bottomless, desperate pit, that’s what she does: plans the next 30 minutes, and then the 30 minutes after that, and so on until it’s one thirty am and she is tired enough to fall into bed without having to think about anything except what’s ticked off on the list and what’s left for tomorrow. 
That’s what she does now, seven weeks after her husband’s death. 
This Saturday is booked for tidying up the closets. There is no need to keep Tony’s clothes, other than a few special ones for memory’s sake, the band shirts and the ones with the science puns she still likes to sleep in. And it would be a waste to wait any longer to donate them: even two months on, there is more than enough need out in the streets due to the chaos that came on after the reverse. 
Homeless people wearing 5000 dollar suits, that would have been to Tony’s taste. 
Pepper has cleared her schedule well in advance, picked a weekend Morgan can stay with Rhodey, already ordered the Dress for Success pick-up for the next morning. Made a plan of action, starting with the top floor. 
All that’s left now is to do it.
“Okay, Virginia,” she tells herself. The name feels unfamiliar on her tongue, but maybe she needs this, needs the reminder that she had a life before Tony Stark and, as horrible as it sounds, will have one after him. “Get up. Drink some water. Go through the closets.” 
It’s just that she can’t. 
She enters the bedroom, their bedroom, her bedroom, opens the cupboard. And then she stands in front of it for almost twenty minutes, unable to bring herself to move. 
Finally, her legs grow a bit weak under her and she has to sit down on the floor, less and less successfully fighting the feeling that the air around her is completely devoid of oxygen. She can’t breathe. She can’t get up. She can’t walk over to the closet and get started with the next item on her list―it’s as if there’s an invisible barrier between her and the task. She just can’t. 
It takes her almost 45 minutes before she finally calls Happy.
*
Much like Tony, Pepper is someone who distracts herself with work, and looking after Morgan, organising the funeral and getting the Stark Foundation into motion to set up shelters for four million Returned without a place to go have been tasks so time-consuming that she didn’t have any other option than just to function, and function well. Almost well enough to trick herself into believing that she’ll be fine.
Sometimes she wonders whether she has become so good at perfecting the image she shows to the public that she doesn’t even know anymore who she actually is. 
“Hey.” 
She hadn't noticed Happy’s presence until he is standing in the doorframe. 
“Happy,” she greets, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. 
“Oh, Pepper.” He looks her up and down, his expression equal parts sad and kind. “Come on. Let’s get you up from the floor.” 
She pushes away his hands helping her up, she doesn’t need them, doesn’t need any help, but then the world blurs suddenly and she kind of does. Happy steadies her when she sways, alarmed but not as surprised as she’d want him to be. It would irritate her, on normal days, because she can take care of herself, doesn’t need anyone to hold her, thank you very much. But today she is just a bit too tired to pretend. 
"Have you eaten?" he asks, voice still too warm when he guides her over to the bed and sits her down. 
“I had...tea this morning.”
“And last night?” 
She is silent. He sighs, and she deflects, “Haven’t had much of an appetite lately.”
“Alright, I’ll go find us some food. Just stay here.”
“Thanks, Happy,” she says quietly. 
He sighs again. “It’s alright. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I’m just glad I’m here.” 
She nods. She knew it too, that she wouldn’t be able to distract herself forever, even if she wouldn’t admit it to herself. But that’s the thing. She wasn’t afraid of it happening, only of the After―of things calming down and her having to deal with the lonely, horrible, rest of her life. Of realising that the inevitable breakdown doesn’t help a single bit. That picking up the pieces is not in the least easier than keeping them together.
*
Happy returns 15 minutes later with a big bag of cavity-inducing gas station doughnuts, sprinkles and all. The mere thought of biting into one makes Pepper’s stomach roll. 
“I’m not sure I can eat those,” she tells him when he sits next to her on the bed and leans against the headboard. 
“Just try.” 
She does, fighting down the looming nausea, and, surprisingly, the sweetness helps. She breathes out, one and a half doughnuts and a small bottle of orange juice later, and finds that her head feels clearer. 
“Morgan would love this,” she observes, nodding at the rest of the treats. “She’s been trying to bully me into making her waffles for breakfast every single morning of the last whole month.” 
“So, did she succeed?”
Pepper shakes her head. “It’s bad for her health. But she keeps throwing tantrums. I know it’s because of what happened, but god, she's been so difficult. The way she shouts at me, sometimes I think she hates me.”
Happy sets down his reusable coffee cup and looks straight at her. “She doesn't, Pepper." 
She can’t stop herself from snorting. “How would you possibly know?”
“I can see the way she looks at you. Looks up to you. She adores you.”
“I…” Pepper bites her lip, unable to decide whether that’s something she wants to share. Life has taught her that it’s usually better to keep your weaknesses to yourself if you want to stay on top. But then, it’s not like there is any competition of people wanting to parent her daughter. “I don’t know about that. I know she misses Tony, but I also feel that she misses...a parent who knows how to handle her. I’m not―sometimes I’m afraid I’m not a very good mother.”
“That’s not true, Pep, and you know it.”
She takes a deep breath. “I never wanted to have children, Happy. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t want Morgan, once we decided in favour of me getting pregnant. And I never regretted having her. But it was mostly Tony who pushed for this, who needed this. He has - had - a way with kids...you know, I can be strict, but he can―could―get her to do what is necessary without even having to raise his voice. And sometimes I just wonder―what if I ruin it, Happy? She only has me.”
“Firstly, that’s not true. Rhodey and I are here for you too. You got your sister, and I’m sure Peter would be more than happy to babysit as well. There’s more than biological parents for a kid, you know that better than anyone, right?” 
She nods, hesitantly.
“And secondly,” he continues, “You are doing great under the circumstances. Nobody is born a parent. But if you’re good at anything, then it is to adapt to difficult situations. You can do this, Pepper.”
“Yeah, I know… I know I can.”
And that’s exactly the point. Pepper has always pulled through. Everyone expects her to keep functioning, and she isn’t one to miss people’s expectations. But sometimes she wonders if she’s still alive in there.
*
They finish up the doughnuts and start tackling the clothes. It goes surprisingly smoothly, and Happy even coaxes a few hesitant chuckles out of her when he fishes a gold-glittery mankini and a few other special-occasion items out of the far corner of Tony’s wardrobe. They are three boxes in and have moved one floor down when Pepper takes a break to pee and wash the dust off her face in the guest bathroom.
Tony’s shaver is lying on the edge of the sink. He must have been shaving here the day he left for the compound, likely because Pepper or Morgan were using the upstairs bathroom, and left it there. She always tells him to put it back in the cupboard and he always forgets―forgot. She picks it up, ready to put it where it belongs, when it hits her. 
It’s futile. It’s a personal shaver of a man who’s never going to need one again. Nobody’s ever going to use this particular shaver again. She could just as well throw it away. 
Pepper feels anger burn hot and fierce in her chest. She opens her mouth, to scream, maybe, but all that comes out is a broken sob. 
Happy must have been listening for her from the other room, because he is there in an instant. She turns away, reflexively hiding the tears on her face, but he stops her.
“Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay to cry.”
“I need to―I don’t have time―”
“I think we can clear fifteen minutes in your schedule for a breakdown, right?” Happy teases, the smallest of smiles on his face although he looks close to tears himself.
A memory strikes, and she chuckles through the sobs, then cries harder. 
“What’s it?”
“That’s just the kind of thing he would have said.”
“Oh, Tony,” Happy smiles sadly.
“I just―I miss him so much, Happy. It’s―It’s all the small things―his shaver―the tinkering and the empty pizza boxes everywhere and the never-ending cups of coffee and the way he just keeps on talking, to his bots and to me and Morgan―and―” she runs out of breath. 
“I know. I miss him too.”
“You know, the way he used to stick his tongue between his teeth when he was concentrating and not realising anyone was around? Morgan did the same recently while drawing, and I just―sometimes I just can’t―”
“You can do it, Pepper. If there’s anyone who can do it, it’s you. You are strong.”
Pepper laughs, but it sounds shrill and false in her ears. 
“People say that all the time, you know? And the worst thing―you know what the worst thing is?”
Happy shakes his head.
“The worst thing is, it’s true. You know, early into the relationship I was thinking that I can’t live without him. I was so, so scared something would happen to him, so I tried to stop him from being Iron Man… And then we took a break, and he ended up half-dead in Siberia, and at that time I realised that yes, I can live without him. It just wasn’t a life I wanted to live. And now―thinking that I have to do this every day, it’s just―it’s like someone is sitting on my chest and strangling me, over and over again.”
She hears Happy swallow hard, then he shuffles closer and wraps his arms around her, pulling her close. One of the bear hugs that got her through the time when Tony was in Afghanistan and both of her parents died in the span of three months, that got Tony through his panic attacks, and Morgan through some of her nightmares. 
She feels water drop onto her neck, and she knows Happy is crying too. 
*
They do finish the clothes before nightfall, because Pepper has always been awfully good at ticking off to-do lists, even on the worst days. When they are done, they get a bottle of red wine from the cellar and empty it in Tony’s honour, sitting near the lake where Pepper and Tony once spent a whole night just after they bought the house getting eaten by mosquitos, when they decided to turn it from a temporary recovery getaway into a home for as long as time would grant them. 
Morgan took her first steps here, had her first fall, cried buckets in Pepper’s arms while Tony put a band-aid on the scratch on her elbow, and Pepper remembers thinking how little children know of pain. A few steps below Pepper laid the arc reactor to water, holding the hand of the girl who now knew so, so much of it; and sometimes she doesn’t know if she wants to preserve the place forever or burn it all down. 
They sit and drink and at some point Pepper closes her eyes, and through the buzz of alcohol she can almost imagine that Tony is in the garage, finishing up a project before joining them for the night. 
She thinks of him with love, with tenderness, with unforgiving pain.
She wonders if it will ever get easier. She wonders if she even wants it to be.
*
They go to bed at two. Happy takes the guest room where Tony’s shaver is now lying at the bottom of a dust bin. Pepper lies wide awake, her window open, listening to the familiar sounds of life far away from the city. 
She will fall asleep eventually, facing away from the empty side of the bed. She will wake up at six, a little hungover, force herself to start the day with yoga and a run. Will call Dress for Success to make sure they get to the house on time, will oversee the pick-up. Will have breakfast with Happy so he doesn’t have to worry about her passing out when he gets on his way. Will sit through an SI video conference until it’s time to pick up Morgan, maybe take her to the mall or to see a movie on the way back home from Rhodey’s. Will make her dinner, give her a bath, put her to bed on time, if possible without a tantrum. Will tackle her email inbox until a headache will force her to bed. Will make a plan for Monday, another Monday without Tony, before falling asleep. Will wake up and face that one too.
Rinse and repeat, one day at a time.
*
All my fics
All my Pepperony fics
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theladyofdeath · 4 years
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Alone in the Ashes {15}
A Court of Thorns and Roses fanfction, characters belong to Sarah J Maas. Modern au. Revolves around Nesta x Cassian, Feyre x Rhysand, and Elain x Azriel. Other characters appear throughout. Based on multiple prompts sent in by anons tbr below.
Warning: Mature content. Alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, drugs, sex, language, eating disorders.
For summary & chapter index, click >  Alone in the Ashes {Acotar}
Word Count: 3.4k
A/N: Sorry it took a few extra hours - the chapter was too short so I had to decide what I wanted to add in from chapter 16! Enjoy~
Comment to tell me what you think, or to be tagged! x
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“We accept the love we think we deserve.” - Stephen Chbosky, the Perks of Being a Wallflower
Cassian couldn't think straight.
That anger, that motherfucking anger, was creeping up on him.
Tomas.
The bastard that sure as hell wasn't good enough for Nesta, was staring at her like she was a piece of meat, a prize to be won. Cassian wanted to hit that look right off his face.
“Aren’t you the guy that moved in across the hall from her?”
He was drinking a beer and had been ignoring Cassian until now.
Cassian gave him a short nod.
“What, you two friends now?” Tomas asked, looking back at Nesta. “I thought you hated him. Said he was annoying as fuck.”
Nesta ignored his question, his comment. She asked, quietly, “Where the hell have you been?”
Cassian stilled. The fact that she still cared made him nauseous. Maybe he was in the wrong, but he thought Nesta had forgotten about Tomas long ago. Thought he had helped her forget about Tomas a long time ago.
“Adriata,” he said, shrugging. “Went along the Coast. Surfed.”
“You just fucking left,” Nesta gritted out. “Without saying anything because I hurt your fucking pride.”
Cassian had taken her home that night, when Tomas had abandoned her at the nightclub. 
“Needed some time away,” he said, simply, and smiled.
Nesta wouldn't look at Cassian.
He had yet to touch his whiskey.
“Did you miss me?” Tomas asked.
Nesta looked at Cassian, then she turned her back to them both.
He couldn’t tell what was going through her mind, didn't want to know what was going through her mind. If he knew, his anger would only grow.
He kept watching Tomas.
“What time do you get off?” Tomas asked, continuing his interrogation. 
“Late,” Nesta answered.
“I’ll wait,” he said, grinning.
Nesta looked over her shoulder at him, then at Cassian. Her eyes were hard, unreadable. She didn’t tell him to fuck off, didn’t tell him to go to hell. Instead, she said, “I’m on break. Be back in five.”
She left, leaving Cassian to stare, dumbfounded, after her. Before Tomas could say anything more, Cassian tossed some cash next to his untouched drink and made his way into the alley, where Nesta was standing, leaning against the wall, lighting a cigarette. 
Unsurprised by him storming in, Nesta didn’t bother to look up at him as he stopped in front of her. 
“What the fuck?” he asked.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, voice monotone. 
Cassian shook his head. Maybe he’d gotten everything all wrong, read the signs all wrong. All the time they had spent together the last few weeks - maybe it was just for sex, something to fill the void for her after Tomas left.
Maybe now that he was back, she had no need for Cassian anymore.
He raked a hand through his hair, calming himself. “Are you coming over when you get off?”
Nesta looked tired. “I don’t know.”
“Because Tomas will be waiting for you?” he asked, before he could think twice about it.
Her eyes narrowed. “Fuck off, Cass.”
He shook his head, laughing, humorlessly. “What am I to you?”
She didn’t answer. 
“I asked you a question,” he said, voice low. 
Nesta blew smoke into his face. “I don’t owe you an answer, so fuck off.” 
Cassian took a step back, feeling as if he’d just been slapped. “Alright. Fine.”
He started walking away, back toward the sidewalk, where he stopped. “I’ll leave my door open, when you get off. If you don’t show up, I’ll take the hint.”
Nesta said nothing.
Cassian walked away. 
He found his bike, the one he’d finished that morning, near the other side of the building before strapping on his helmet and speeding away. 
That anger, that fucking anger, crept into his mind, into his soul, and he couldn’t control it. They were doing so well, getting along so perfectly, until that fucker waltzed in, pretending like nothing ever happened. Cassian remembered the first day he’d met Nesta, when Tomas was there, and she was a fucking mess. High on Mother-knows-what, hungover, depressed. Now he was back, and Nesta shut down, pretended like Cassian no longer existed. And he had thought that things had changed, that she and him were starting to…
Unimportant.
It was unimportant, didn’t matter anymore.
Maybe she was just surprised, thrown off by Tomas’s unexpected presence.
Cassian tried to push the anger away.
He would go home and do what he said he would - leave the door unlocked, wait like a pathetic jackass who felt too strongly for a woman like Nesta Archeron. 
So that’s what he did.
And just after midnight, he heard low voices outside of his apartment. Drunk on whiskey, he opened his door, and found Tomas stumbling into Nesta’s apartment.
He met Nesta’s gaze, but it was like looking into a never ending abyss. Empty. Dead. An endless void.
She watched him, though. Watched his eyes go wide, then harden. Watched his jaw lock as he shook his head. “Hint taken,” he slurred. “Fuck you, N-Nesta.” 
She didn’t flinch, didn’t hesitate, didn’t act like the words affected her at all. But she watched him, those empty, stormy blue eyes - watched as he took a step back and slammed his door shut.
That anger returned, rising at an uncontrollable speed. 
He threw his glass, still holding a thin layer of whiskey, against the wall in his living room, where it exploded into shards of glass, dark, caramel colored liquid raining down the ivory wall. 
“Fuck!” he yelled, and Bryaxis was instantly up from his bed, following his master down the hall.
Cassian stomped into his bedroom and tossed himself onto his mattress where Bryaxis instantly was, knowing his father was having an episode, knowing he couldn’t control the anger, that hated anger. 
The pup pulled himself over Cassian’s abdomen, laying his chin on Cassian’s chest, paws outstretched. Cassian closed his eyes, told himself to breathe. 
That anger lingered, even as he calmed, but Cassian told himself that it was all his fault.
He had started to fall in love with her.
And no good ever came from falling for a woman like Nesta Archeron.
~~~~~
Rhysand awoke to his bed creaking, just after midnight.
Feyre had hurried out of the room, down the hall. He heard the bathroom door shut.
He picked up his phone off the nightstand and opened his messages, where he had missed five texts after falling asleep early. 
Three were from Cassian.
Feyre’s sister is a bitch.
Whiskey is good. I like whiskey.
Where the fuck are you and Az you little lovesick fuckers.
Rhys made a mental, uncertain note to give Cassian a call in the morning.
The next text was from Azriel. It was a picture of Mila, who was wearing the new pink Batman pajamas Rhysand had ordered her online. Beneath the picture read, Mila has been jumping across all the furniture all night, pretending to be Batgirl. At one point, she body slammed me. It was all fun and games until I got kneed in the balls.
Rhysand huffed a laugh, pulling up the last text that was from an unsaved number. Your ring is in. You can pick it up at your earliest convenience. 
He quickly deleted the message as Feyre swept back into the room, bare body outlined in the dark, starlit room.
“Sorry,” she whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.” 
“It’s okay,” he said, watching her climb across the bed to him. “Cassian was having a drunken, mental breakdown, it seems.” 
He put his phone back on the nightstand as she asked, “Because of Nesta?” 
“Seems so,” Rhysand muttered, as Feyre fell back against the pillows. He climbed over her body, and her arms wrapped around his waist. “Who knows.”
Feyre rolled her eyes. “I won’t be getting in the middle of that mess.”
Rhysand chuckled, kissing her, softly. “Go back to sleep.” 
“Yeah,” she whispered, hands wandering down to his ass. “Sleep.” 
“You’re going to be tired for work in the morning,” he murmured. 
Feyre huffed a laugh, pushing his wild hair off of his forehead. “I’m okay with that.”
With a grin, Rhysand pressed his mouth to Feyre’s, his tongue sliding between her lips to brush alongside her own. 
One last night of peace, one last night before Rhysand woke up the next morning, kissed Feyre goodbye, and got ready for himself to leave the house. Because after Feyre left in the morning, he would be going to see Tamlin. 
And, it seems, he had a ring to pick up.
~~~~~
“It’s getting late,” Elain whispered, glancing at the clock. 
“Yeah,” Azriel agreed, quietly.
They had been lying awake for hours, talking about everything and nothing and all things in between. Now, he could see the exhaustion sweeping over her.
“Get some sleep,” he said, smiling.
But Elain didn’t smile back. Her palm rested against his cheek, her thumb brushing over his open lips. Azriel’s own smile faded at her touch. 
“Kiss me,” she whispered. 
Azriel didn’t have to be told twice. He leaned in closer, pulled her to him by her waist, and pressed his lips against hers. Elain fell back against his bed, and he hovered over her, careful not to put too much of his weight on her.
Her delicate hands swept down his back, under the hem of his shirt. Her hands were warm against his skin as they crept up. Chills swept down his spine. 
Elain tugged at the fabric, and Azriel leaned back, pulled his shirt over his head, and tossed it onto the floor.
Elain pushed against his chest, a silent plea for him to lay down, and when he did, she straddled his waist. Those delicate fingers trailed over his chest, his abdomen. Her brown eyes were bright as slipped off her sweatshirt, and her tanktop. 
“Elain,” Azriel hesitated, his entire body reacting beneath her. “We don’t have to-”
“I want to,” she said, laughing quietly. She took his hands and put them against her body. Azriel’s hands swept up her stomach, to her breasts. His fingers brushed over the outline of her bra, careful not to catch the lace on his rough, calloused fingertips. She leaned down into him, lips crashing into lips.
Azriel had been so patient. Had taken things slow.
It was easy to take things slow with Elain. She was easy to talk to, easy to be gentle with. But in that moment, Azriel was done being gentle. His body ached for anything but gentleness. 
He unhooked her bra, and she let him slide it down her arms and palm her breasts. Azriel flipped her onto her back, smile bright as she looked up at him. Azriel pressed his lips, softly, against her abdomen, and she held onto the back of his head as those feather-like kisses trailed up, tongue sweeping over her nipples, lips finding the base of her neck. 
Elain’s eyes fluttered shut as she breathed, heavily, as she inched down Azriel’s shorts with her fingertips.
A soft growl escaped him as his lips found hers, once again. 
“Elain.” He whispered her name between the whirlwind of kisses, but was unable to say anything more, because a loud knock came to his bedroom door. 
“Uncle Az!” Mila’s little voice came through the door.
Azriel froze, then sighed, his head falling against her chest, between her breasts. Elain, unable to help herself, laughed quietly.
“It’s okay,” she whispered.
With a groan, Azriel pulled himself off of her and hopped off the bed, pulling his shorts back up to his hips. “I’ll be right back.”
She nodded, smiling fondly as she pulled his blanket up over her body. 
Azriel stopped at the door, trying to collect himself as Mila knocked, again. 
“Okay,” he breathed, and opened his bedroom door to find a teary-eyed four year old, clutching her blanket. 
He frowned, shutting his door quietly behind him. “What’s wrong?”
She reached her arms up, and Azriel gathered her into his arms as he carried her back into her room. 
She laid her messy-haired head against his shoulder. 
“Bad dream,” she said, yawning, as Azriel sat on the edge of her bed with her on his lap. “Those men took mama away and she was crying.”
Azriel blew out a long, slow breath. It was impossible, trying to find a way to tell Mila what was happening without telling her that her mom was a horrible woman. Yes, he hated Amarantha, but he wouldn’t let his view of Amarantha cloud Mila’s. 
“It was just a dream,” he said, quietly. “Your mama is okay in there. And she loves you and she misses you, okay?”
Mila yawned, nodding, slowly.
“Let’s get you back to sleep,” Azriel murmured, laying Mila down and tucking her in tight. “Don’t want to be tired for preschool in the morning. I love you.”
“Love you,” Mila said, eyes already closed. He patted her back, gently, until her breathing evened out; then, he backed out of her room, slowly and quietly, until he was back across the hall, sneaking into his own bedroom.
Where Elain was sound asleep.
“Ah, fuck,” he muttered, laying down on the other side of his bed.
It took him a longass time to fall asleep.
And when morning came, and he stumbled into the kitchen, Mor was already sitting at the table, grinning with a cup of coffee. 
“May I help you?” he mumbled, pulling open the fridge for some orange juice.
“Took you a long time to open your door for Mila in the middle of the night,” she said, sipping from her mug. 
Azriel shut the door and spun around, exasperated. “You were awake? Are you fucking kidding me?”
Mor shrugged. “She wanted you, not me. Now, what did she interrupt?”
“Nothing,” Azriel muttered. “Didn’t have a chance to….nevermind. I’ve got to run to the store to get a few things before I head to Elain’s dad’s to finish up. Mind taking Mila to school for me?”
“I’d be honored,” she said, winking. 
Azriel took the orange juice into his bedroom and got dressed. He had pulled on a hat over his messy hair when Elain woke up.
She smiled sleepily at him.
“Good morning,” he said, quietly.
“Good morning,” she repeated. “Sorry about last night.”
Azriel smiled. “Don’t be. It was late. I’ll be done around noon. Can I come get you for your lunch?” 
“Please do,” she smiled, and he kissed her forehead before walking out.
Mor’s grin followed him until he was out the door.
~~~~~
After Feyre left, Rhysand had run to Tamlin’s office, but he wasn’t in, yet, and wouldn’t be until ten. So, he drove down the strip until he came upon a little, local jewelry shop. 
He was welcomed by the owner, an elderly man, who was smiling broadly behind the counter.
“I see you got my message.”
Rhysand smiled. “Couldn’t wait. Can I see it?”
The owner went to the back of the shop and came back with a little black velvet box. He handed it to Rhysand, who opened it with shaking fingers.
It was perfect. 
Simple, he couldn’t afford too much, but he knew she would like it. A thin, rose gold band with a small, pear-shaped diamond. 
“I can make the first payment today,” Rhysand said, closing the lid. “I can take it with me today, though, right? Even if it’s not paid in full?”
“Of course,” the man smiled.
Rhysand slipped the ring into his pocket before making his payment, thanking the owner, and leaving. He wasn’t sure when he’d ask, but he figured he would know when the moment felt right.
All he knew was that he was in love with Feyre. He had always been in love with Feyre. There was no one else he would want to ask to spend the rest of his life with him.
As he got into his car, he pushed the idea into the back of his mind and put the ring into his glove box. 
At nearly ten, he was driving back down the strip, until he was parked in front of Tamlin’s father’s building, where Tamlin got a job for simply being his father’s son. 
Rhysand didn’t wait. He got out of his car and walked into the building, heading straight for the elevators. 
He rode up to the twelfth floor, where the receptionist greeted him with a smile. “I told Mr. Lewis you stopped by. He said to send you in when you come back.”
Rhysand nodded his thanks and went through the winding halls until he was in front of Tamlin’s office door. He didn’t bother knocking.
Tamlin looked up, one brow raised, as Rhysand entered and sat in one of the armchairs on the other side of his desk.
For a moment, neither of them talked.
“Gad to see you’re healing,” Tamlin said, with a small, snarky smile. “Not surprised to see you coming to my office. Can’t get your ass kicked here.”
Rhysand shook his head. “I came here to talk to you like a fucking man. We’re not in high school, Tamlin. I’m not like you. I don’t go around looking for trouble like a fucked up teenager.”
Tamlin’s pride wasn’t hurt. That smile remained as he cocked his head. “I liked when Feyre came to my apartment the other day. How very chivalrous of her. Reminded me of simpler times, when she warmed my bed, not yours.”
“Don’t talk to me about Feyre,” Rhysand said, trying not to let the words bother him. “It’s sad, really, how your need to make her miserable has come this far.”
Tamlin’s smile faded. “I love her. All I do is for her.”
“That’s bullshit,” Rhysand said, shaking his head. “Feyre loves me, and you cannot stand that you lost her. When, in reality, it’s all your fault. You pushed her away with your pride, your incessant need  to be in charge of everything, her included. And now that she’s finally happy, you can’t stand it. Because it’s me, the person you hate the most, who is making her happy.”
Tamlin didn’t move. He watched Rhysand with a deadly calm, one that Rhys matched as he propped his elbows on the armrests and leaned forward. 
“I’m not afraid of you,” Rhysand went on. “I never was, and I never will be, but Feyre doesn’t deserve to live with you constantly looming over her shoulder, so you will back the fuck off.”
Tamlin, to Rhysand’s surprise, grinned. “She’ll come back to me, no matter what I do. She was with me for almost a decade. She’s with you now because you were around, and she was lonely.”
The words struck a nerve as Rhysand’s worst nightmare was voiced by his greatest foe. 
But he didn’t let it show. “Will you still be saying that when Feyre becomes my wife? Because she will. Soon. I’ve got a ring, I plan to propose, and you’ll be the first person I tell when she says yes.” 
Tamlin was up from his desk and storming around the corner where Rhysand met him, on his feet. 
“Ask her to marry you and you’ll be looking worse on your wedding day than you do right now,” Tamlin spat.
He jabbed Rhysand in his broken ribs, and the pain was excruciating, but Rhysand was ready, this time. Rhysand elbowed Tamlin in the jaw before pushing him back onto his desk and holding him down by his throat. His laptop fell off, along with a giant stack of - what Rhysand assumed - important documents. 
“You’ll leave us alone,” Rhysand said, gritting through the pain that shot through his body. “You forget that I know you, Tamlin, that I’ve known you for your entire life. If you want to keep the glamorous life you have, your dad’s money, you’ll leave us the fuck alone. If you ever cared for Feyre, you’ll leave us the fuck alone. And, if you don’t, I will personally destroy you. So leave us. The fuck. Alone.”
Rhysand slammed Tamlin’s head back into his desk one last time, for good measure, before storming out.
Tamlin didn’t come after him.
~~~~~
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Prompts:
{ “I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you forget you ever met that asshole” - Feysand } -anonymous
{ “How about Nessian needing to fake date when they go home for the holidays?!” } - anonymous
{ “could u pls do like an elriel fic where azriel is like this mysterious bad boy and elain is a goody two shoes lik aaaaa i cant get that image out of my head” } - anonymous
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Text
Surprises (4)
Next chapter is finally here!! God this took a lot of work to actually finish🤫
Previous Chapters are here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3. I’ll do a masterlist soon.
My wonderful beta @bryaxisthefaceofnightmares said that it made her cry so I’m sorry in advance:))
Warnings: There will be swearing, mature themes, mentions of alcohol at times, and mentions of sex. I will update warnings as I go if needed. If I miss something then let me know!
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Chapter 4
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It had been over a month since the party and Azriel was slowly losing his mind. He had only see Elain a few times after and whenever he tried to say hello, or speak to her when she sat with them at lunch, she’d make an excuse about needing to be somewhere or do something, and disappear before he could get a single word out. These reactions made him assume that she remembered what had happened between them and clearly did not like what had been done. He just wanted her to know that he was sorry and that it was just a onetime thing, and he wasn’t even sure he wanted it to be more than that. For starters he didn’t really know her, not really, and if Nesta ever found out he’d be dead. In her eyes, nobody was good enough for Elain, she was too sweet, too caring and honestly, he agreed. He should never have even looked at her.
As he approached the table that they usually sat at during lunch, Azriel saw no signs of Elain yet. Good, that at least gave him a chance to think about what he’d try to say to her this time. When he finally got to the table, Cassian was eating his ungodly amount of food, Nesta was trying to get him to slow down like she always did, but never made any progress, and Rhys and Feyre had their tongues down each other’s throats. Typical. Slamming his tray down on the table as he sat, making them jump apart, he said casually “Can the pair of you not go five minutes without being attached at the mouths? I’d really like to eat today.”
Rhys the fucking little shit that he was just smirked and replied “Come now Azzie, just because I get more action than you doesn’t mean you need to be so grumpy all of the time.”
At that comment Feyre smacked him over the back of the head with a muttered Prick. Cassian looked as if he was going to join in on the conversation, however, Elain and Lucien finally showed up. Oh, for fucks sake. He hadn’t even thought of what to say yet. Lucien took up the seat next to him while Cass moved around to his side as well so that Elain could sit between Nesta and Feyre.
Azriel tried his damn hardest to zone out, to not focus on her voice as she talked to her sisters about her new English project. But for the life of him he couldn’t do it, because every time he heard her voice, all he could hear in his head was the breathy version of it as she had asked him to just go slow. Gods, that’s all he could ever hear lately. He played that memory on repeat in his mind, kept trying to figure out how they had ended up like that but, he always came up blank. Or he got lost in the vivid sensations of actually being able to feel her and had to go take an extremely cold shower. What in hell’s name was he meant to do? He looked at her then, to say something; anything but when her eyes met his she was standing saying that she had to go get books from the library and that she’d see them at the game later. The game! He was playing but maybe he could catch her afterwards and they could finally talk. Azriel knew from her sisters that she always waited until after everyone else had left before she tried because there was less hustle and bustle for her to get caught up in. Yes, after the game. He’d talk to her then while there was no one around.
It was going to be a long day, wasn’t it?
oOoOo
By the time the day was over, all Elain wanted to do was go home and curl up in a ball but she’d promised her sisters that she’d go watch a game because she hadn’t been to one in ages. Usually, she didn’t mind going to watch one because she liked to stay for a while after they’d finished as it was the peace after such chaos that she enjoyed. However, now she would have all her focus on him and the very scary and new predicament she had found herself in just a few days before. Remembering that day in her bedroom made tears prick at her eyes but she forced them back, willing herself not to cry while she was sat in the stands amongst all of her classmates.
She was late. She was a week late. Fuck. Her movements felt slow and mechanical as he moved around the room to find her phone to send off a text to ask Lucien if he could do something for her. What the fuck had she done?
Breathe. Just breathe. Elain found herself reorganizing her shelves while she waited, not knowing what to do with her body, afraid that if she stopped moving, she’d breakdown and there was no way she was going to do that. By the time the books had been rearranged three times from alphabetical A-Z and then Z-A and then put in order of the colours of the rainbow, a text from Lucien finally came through saying he was outside so she simply said to let himself in and come to her room. Once he was inside her room, he had a look of pity on his face and placed the plastic drug store bag in her hands but spoke gently as he did so. “Are you sure these are needed? Maybe if you waited a few more days...” Wordlessly she just nodded and retreated into the bathroom.
Elain pulled the small boxes from the bag and found that her best friend had bought the most expensive pregnancy tests out there. Well, at least she knew the results would be accurate and not some cheap useless thing that would trick her into a false sense of security. Three tests were enough right? Steadying herself, she peed on the stupid sticks and spared a minute to compose herself before going back into the bedroom and placing them on the table. She told Lucien you had to wait for five minutes after and watched him set a timer on his phone before they lapsed into silence; which meant she finally had room to think. She was seventeen years old and she had just peed on three gods damned pregnancy tests and the most annoying things was, she didn’t even have the privilege of remembering the experience that got her to this point in the first place.
It felt like hours had passed when her best friend’s phone started chiming. Here goes nothing. Elain made herself stand and walk back over to the bedside table; she hadn’t realised her hands were shaking until she reached for the tests. With her eyes shut tight she closed her hand around the small sticks and brought them closer so she could see. Opening her eyes to look, her heart plummeted and she released a small sob into the air, feeling arms close around her waist right before her knees gave out...
She came back to the present when Lucien sat next to her and handed her a pack of jellybeans and a bottle of water. She had told him who she realised the boy was a few hours after the day she’d made them go somewhere else, after spotting him at the diner. Lucien had tried to go ‘deal with the turd’ when she did, but they agreed that he couldn’t because she didn’t want her sisters to find out. He still wasn’t too happy about the idea, but he’d said nothing more on the matter. “Thank you,” she said quietly, still reeling from her thoughts and feelings, yet he just smiled softly at her and turned to watch the game. Doing the same, she caught sight of him huddled with the rest of his team, building up the excitement of what was to come, but he didn’t know.
He didn’t know she was eventually going to have to bring all that happiness crashing down. No. No. Elain wouldn’t tell him. There was no need for the both of them to suffer, right? She could bare it all and save him from having his life ruined and dreams destroyed.
She would not break him like that.
oOoOo
It took Azriel longer than he had anticipated getting back out onto the field, in between their coach congratulating them on an excellent game and Rhys and Cass trying to cajole him into celebrating with them, he was scared that when he got out there, she’d be gone. Luckily for him, she hadn’t, because when he finally found her, she was standing in the middle of the open field with her head tipped back to look at the sky. Seeing her like that, serene and at peace, made his breath catch in his throat. It truly was a beautiful sight to behold, even if he shouldn’t be thinking of her like that.
Taking in a deep breath he forced his feet to push himself towards her and, when he was finally close enough for her to hear but not too close to make her uncomfortable, he gently cleared his throat. “Elain?”
She turned to him then with a slight jolt and breathed, “Oh, Azriel, you scared me. What are you still doing here?” He didn’t fail to notice that she wouldn’t make eye contact and kept darting her eyes between him, the floor and somewhere behind him. He shifted on his feet a little then, his nerves starting to pick up.
“Well, I know from your sisters that after games you like to stay out here on your own for a little while, but I really needed to talk to you so I decided that talking out here like this was probably best.”
This seemed to set her on edge even more, her face started to go a bit red and now she wasn’t even looking at him and was just staring at the floor. Fuck, this wasn’t going well and he’d only just started.
Wringing her hands in front of her she asked in the quietest voice he thought possible “Uh well, what is it?”
Right, straight to the point then. Very well. “It’s about the party. I just wanted you to know that it’s easily forgettable and we can just act like it never happened. I mean, we barely know each other so it’s not like it meant anything and Nesta would kill me if she knew.” Elain looked directly at him then, and for a second he could see hurt and confusion flash across her face, but before he could question it, she started speaking.
“Easily forgettable,” she seethed. “Easily fucking forgettable! Well that’s just fantastic, isn’t it; just what every girl wants to hear. But, fine, if forgetting is what you want then that’s what we’ll do.” Okay he realised he shouldn’t have said it like that but he meant that no one could know about what they’d done.
Before he could even open his mouth to explain himself, she turned as if she was going to leave. Oh no, absolutely not. Azriel didn’t even think about what he was doing and reached out to grab her wrist before she could move too far. “Shit look, I’m sorry I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I swear. I just really needed you to know that no one can find out.” She let out a humourless laugh at that and he knew he’d said something wrong again. Gods he was making the situation worse than it needed to be. All she had to do was say that it would be their secret.
“It’s way too fucking late for that now, jackass. Now, let me go.” He released her wrist as if it had burned him, not realising he was still holding her. But what she’d said irked at something inside of him.
“What the hell does that mean? All you have to is agree to not make this anymore worse than it is.” Why didn’t she understand that?
“I’m pregnant, you ass! That’s why it’s too late!” He felt like his whole body went cold all at once then. Elain clamped her hand over her mouth within seconds after she spoke, like she could bring them back in. She couldn’t have said that. This was not happening. This could not be happening.
“No. You’re lying. You can’t be.” There were tears in her eyes then, but she hadn’t let them fall yet. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you.” The first tears dropped then as she spoke.
“Then why the fuck did you tell me, Elain? This is a joke, right? This has to be a joke.” Her face went from upset to outraged in an instant, and Azriel decided he didn’t like the murderous look in her eyes.
“You said that what we’d done was easily forgettable. That I was easily forgettable, Azriel. I was angry and I just reacted. But now I feel like you deserved to be told like that. Why the hell would I be joking?” There was too much for him to think about just then, too many feelings for him to deal with. They both needed to calm down to talk about anything further, both needed to steady themselves. So as much as he wanted answers, needed answers to the bomb she’d just dropped on him, he did the only thing he could for himself. He turned and walked away.
With his back to her and the further he walked away, he didn’t get to watch as she dropped to her knees in that field alone, and sobbed until there was nothing left for her to let out.
—————
*Runs and Hides* heh like it? You finally got their interaction although I don’t think you wanted it like that😬 let me know your thought on the chapter! If you’d like to be added/removed from the tags I’ll be happy to do so!
A/N: I’m hoping from now on that a new chapter will be out every Monday, but please don’t hold me to it just in case (:
Tags: @starlitfangirl @starsauroras @drunken-starz @myfriendscallmeraba @thesirenwashere @empress-sei @elrielllll @stars-falling @cirieael @verifiefangirl @verifiefangirl-mainblog @theshadowsinger-and-thefawn @mirainthedark05 @fancyclodpaintercookie @acourtofterrasenandvelaris @azriel-archeronn @queen-of-glass @bamchickawowow @slightly-sane-fangirl @empress-ofbloodshed @sleeping-and-books @b00kworm @kvi-arts @rhysandhlcor @tswaney17 @awkward-avocado-s
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papergirllife · 4 years
Text
Strings.
Yuta
Part 2
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Warnings: toxic relationship, detailed smut, mental health issues,angst.
The next day, you left before he woke up.
You decided to see a doctor about your recent eating disorders and depression, who's a friend since middle school.
" You do know that if this goes on your physical and mental health would drop significantly right? "
" Yes. "
" Then why are you still seeing him? "
You didn't feel like answering a question that solves itself.
" You're even more stubborn than the people who come in and say that they want to quit smoking. "
She took off her glasses and let out a sigh.
" You've never wanted to date after that he'll in high school. What changed your mind? "
" Technically we're not dating. "
" I wish you were, or else we would've been hitting the shops now. "
You laughed at her joke quietly, not really having a sense of humour at times like these.
" Y/N, you're not sick. You're not crazy either. And you wouldn't have had an eating disorder of it weren't for him. So the only prescription I can give you is stop seeing him. Look at you, you used to not have a care in the world and how people see you. He robbed your happiness, your confidence, your heart. How much more can you afford to give him before you're broke? "
After she finished talking, you could feel hot tears streaming down your face. She was right, Yuta was nothing but bad in my life.
In the end of the session, she made you block Yuta's number on your phone before leaving.
Every step you took that day felt as if your heart was a 10 tonne ball chained behind you, dragging you down.
You decided to take two days off from work as advised from your friend to recover and practice self love at home, whatever that means.
You went to take a nap, closing your eyes, wishing for everything to end.
You were woken up, to your dismay by your house phone.
You picked up the phone from its receiver, thinking it was just your boss calling in to check up on you on your ' sick day ' .
" Y/N ? Are you okay? I called your mobile, but you turned it off, then I called your office line and your colleague said that you were sick. "
You swallowed down a sob before answering him.
" I just needed a day off today. No big deal. "
" That's reassuring. Hey listen, I really miss you, you left so quickly. I wanted to wake you up with some bomb ass head this morning. How about you come over tonight? I'll order pizza. "
" Sure. I'll see you tonight. Bye. "
" Bye. "
You slid down the wall. Of all the communication methods you forgot was your house phone.
But you couldn't say no to him, not when his voice sounds like it's lathered in honey.
You put your head on your knees that are against your stomach, tears soaking your sweats.
How can you leave him just like that when he shows you a world of wonder every other night?
You wish there was just a switch in your head to make you emotionless, then you wouldn't have to go through the amount of pain you put yourself through.
After showering, you applied a good amount of concealer at your eye bags to make them appear less puffy.
You never used concealer to cover up pimples, as most your friends used it for. It was always for hiding the pain shown below your eyes.
When you rang Yuta's door, he opened it with one of those mischievous smiles he likes to give you at scenarios like these.
You returned a simple one half heartedly, too tired for it to reach your smiles. The only reason that you could still afford to give him a smile was solely because he was Yuta.
" Aww, still feeling sick? "
" I'm lots better. "
Good. He didn't notice anything wrong about you, he's always been the oblivious type.
He pulled you into his apartment, arms all around you. You notice the way his biceps flexed as he manoeuvred you into his home, someone's been working out more.
When he kissed you, all those bad thoughts in your head disappeared, your friend's warnings thrown out of the window.
The way he holds you, gives you a sense of mental stability that you don't usually have, even if it's just for a while.
He hastily unbuttoned the buttons of your blouse and the clasp of your bra, your clothes falling on his floor with a light thud.
As he laid you on his bed, he took a nipple into his mouth, wetting the tip and engulfing it into his warm mouth, the tempreteral change and movements sent electric shocks through your spine.
While his mouth was busy, his hands worked on taking off your jeans, quickly taking one of your cheeks into his awaiting hands.
His lips chased yours fervently, wanting to have a taste of his sweet addiction.
You hastily took off his sweater, revealing his defined abs, running your hands all over his toned stomach, Yuta letting out tiny grunts at your actions.
You did your hands to his pants and pulled them down, along with his boxers. His cock hits his stomach with a light smack.
" Someone's impatient. "
Yuta slips a finger underneath your folds, moving your panties to the side.
" I'll fuck you with your panties in your mouth tonight, I got a noise complaint this morning for your screaming from last night. "
Yuta slipped two more fingers in, quickening the pace of his fingers inside of you.
" Fuck... Yuta I'm going to cum. " Yuta curled his fingers upwards, giving your high a final push.
" Cum for me then. "
You came on his fingers and your panties, Yuta gave your ass a light also and took off your panties, and as he promised stuffed them in your mouth.
Yuta took a tie from his night stand to tie your hands together. He positioned you with your ass up in the air and head on the pillow.
Yuta spread open your cheeks and fully slipped into your pussy, a squelching sound could be heard when he was fully seahthed in.
He gave no warning and started thrusting into you harshly, just like how you love it. His hands are on your hips, digging into your flesh, there's definitely going to have marks tomorrow.
Yuta's neighbors will certainly file another complaint tomorrow, with the way he's hitting into you. The bed's been knocking against the wall for 10 minutes straight now.
The walls of the room is filled with pure sin. The way the room smells of sex, the beautiful sound of skin slapping against skin. Everything in this moment is euphoria to you.
As Yuta quickens his pace, the coil in your stomach grows, signalling your on coming orgasm.
Yuta knows you're near. The way you clench around him so tightly, your walls engulfing him, erasing all his other senses. The only thing he could feel now was the way you felt around him.
Yuta gave one hard thrust and you lost it, the way your orgasm just crashes onto the both of you, made Yuta's toes curl. You would've screamed if it wasn't for the panties Yuta made you gag on.
Not long after, you could feel Yuta's warm semen covering your velvety walls in white. You used all your remaining strength to help him ride out his high, some of his cum dripping down your soft thighs.
As you laid down properly to sleep, Yuta cleaned you up. His soft movements lulling you to sleep.
When you woke up, the whole place was pitch black. The only light that was available was the clock, reading 3.09 a.m., 14 February.
You didn't know whether it was because of the date or was it just 3 a.m. feels, but you started having another one of your frequent mental breakdowns.
You quickly dashed into Yuta's bathroom and sat in his bathtub.
Yet another Valentine's comes and goes, and you still don't know if you should stick around with Yuta for another year at this rate.
You just wished that he'll change his perspective of you, to see you as someone more, someone he'll keep in his heart.
But life is cruel to you in ways you don't know to how describe. The only question that you keep asking is ' why me ? ' .
You didn't know how long you sat there, you just zoned out and didn't bother getting out, letting your feelings drown you until you're numb from all the pain.
Suddenly Yuta burst in the bathroom, eyes quickly scanning to see if you were okay.
" Thank god I found you. I've been looking everywhere for you. Your clothes were all still on the floor, so I knew you couldn't have went back. But why are you sitting in the tub? You'll catch a cold. "
Yuta scooped you into his arms, wanting to carry you back to bed. That's when all hell let loose.
" Stop it! Stop! Put me down! "
Yuta thinking he hurt you somewhere, gently placed you on the ground.
" Are you okay? "
" I've had enough! I'm so tired of being your beck and call Nakamoto Yuta. We should've never had started this. When I agreed to this, I didn't agree to you playing with my feelings with those sweet words of yours that actually mean nothing! I'm sick of you and whatever we have! "
You let your tired body fall against the wall and slide down, arms wrapping around yourself.
You could feel Yuta's hands moving to wrap around you.
" No, Yuta. I'm serious I can't do this anymore...
You stopped speaking when you heard sobs coming from Yuta. You lift up your head to see him crying as well.
" I'm sorry I put you through so much pain. I swear I never meant for this to happen. But I just want to tell you that all those sweet lies you think I've been feeding you, are my real feelings. I was a coward for not being able to accept a new relationship. I thought that way I will never get hurt again. But god that plan backfired quickly, I thought if I never told you the way I felt it will be the right thing to do, so that I'll never hurt you. But I still did. "
" Yuta are you trying to say that...
" I love you. Since the third month we were together. You brought so much light into my dark after my ex. You gave me so much love and joy. I love you so much. "
" I love you too. "
Yuta could see the sincerity of your words through your beautiful eyes, the ones that lit up his darkest nights. But he also noticed the ruined concealer.
" Y/N. Why are your eyes so puffy? Have you cried before this? "
You nodded, ashamed to look him in the eyes.
" I haven't been feeling myself lately. "
" I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I'll help you pick up the pieces together, step by step. "
" What if you get cut by one of the pieces? "
" Then there's always bandages, so don't worry about me. I'm a tough guy. I'm going to make it up to you with all of our days together. "
Suddenly, you let out a sneeze. Making Yuta worried all over again, quickly carrying you back to bed to cover you with warm blankets and cuddles from him.
" Happy Valentine's Day, Y/N. "
" Happy Valentine's Day to you too, my first valentine. "
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1-1snailxd-art · 5 years
Text
The Perfect Ring
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Summary: Sanders Sides oneshot inspired by this post. Virgil makes the perfect ring for Logan, and now he just needs to pull off the perfect proposal.
Genre: Alternate Universe
Rating: PG
Pairing: Analogical (with a hint of Royality)
Warnings: Mild anxiety, Cursing, implied bullying (nothing detailed)
@fander-pride-meetup Week 1: Relationships
Art is by me as well 💜🐌
Ao3 Link
*************
"Roman helped me with the design, I made the digital model and then worked with a couple of different professionals to actually make it"
 Virgil's voice sounded far away and Patton couldn't pry his eyes off the ring in his hands; still unable to believe his eyes as he shifted the ring so it resembled an astronomical sphere. The metal was covered in intricately designed carvings on the outer ring, while the inner rings had numbers and letters that he wasn't quite able to make out through his watery eyes.
 "What does it say?" Patton sniffed, handing the ring back to Virgil before reaching for the tissue Roman was offering him.
"It's nothing that important," Virgil shrugged as he carefully placed the ring back in its case. "They just represent places and dates."
"Don't act so modest," Roman whined and placed his arm around Patton and gestured grandly. "This emo in disguise made a whole code to record the time and date of firsts. We're talking first date, first hug, first kiss, first cuddle party."
Roman winked at Virgil as the young man shot him an annoyed look. Patton giggled and wiped away fresh tears; filled with pride at the effort Virgil had put into the ring.
"I'm absolutely positive that Logan will love it." Patton detangled himself from Roman and pulled out his phone to check his calendar. "So, when are you going to ask him? I need to make sure I'm not working so we can mee-"
"I'm not doing it publicly."
Patton's heart dropped slightly and Virgil shoved his hands deep into his jacket pockets as he saw the hurt enter his friends eyes.
"It's nothing personal, Pat. But..." Virgil took a deep breath before looking back up to meet Patton's baby blue eyes. "You know how Logan feels about public displays of affection and, lets be honest, I do not like drawing attention to myself."
"Don't worry, Patty-Bear," Roman grabbed Patton's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I helped Virgil plan this whole thing out. Picture it," Roman gestured wildly as his hands painted an imaginary image in the space in front of him. "Discovery channel playing on the TV; the two lovers have just finished Virgil's special Pasta Surprise; a batch of your Crofter's muffins, that we just dropped off, are warming in the oven. Then, Virgil CLIMBS onto the table and professes his love for the Book Worm..."
"Roman, no. Stop." Virgil's pleas were drowned out as his dramatic friend got increasingly louder and Patton giggled.
"... Virgil presents him with the ring of a life time and OF COURSE Logan has no other option but to accept. The black eyed romantic leaps off the table, with a spectacular super hero landing, and opens his arms to his lover who leaps into them..."
"Size difference makes that impossible." Virgil had his arms folded, suppressing a smile as Roman scooped Patton into his arms.
"... The victorious Prince of Nightmares carries his fiancé to their room, where they engage in intense s-"
"ROMAN!" Patton's voice and sudden stern look, silences Roman in his tracks. "Now, you know how Virgil feels about that talk."
Virgil shifted uncomfortably on his feet; reminded that his and Logan's views on romance and love were different to the general worlds view.
Roman made an offended noise and carefully set Patton back on his feet. "I am offended that you would judge me so. I was going to say snuggling, obviously." Roman pouted, folding his arms to emulate Virgil's own stance. "I'm not that insensitive. I understand my friends sexuality. You shredded my heart with that remark."
 Virgil sighed loudly and moved to put his arms around his two friends, shaking his head.
"I have no idea why I keep you two around."
"Because you love us," Patton teased and gave Virgil a quick peck on the cheek, causing them both to blush.
"Ok, ok, that will do." Roman moved to drape his arms over Patton's shoulders and pulled him away jokingly from Virgil. "You've already go your man. Stop pulling mine to the dark side."
"What can I say, Princey," Virgil smiled and winked at Patton, "I'm just irresistible."
 Patton lent heavily against Roman, pretending to faint. "Hurry, Ro! Take me away from here. His powers are too great for me to resist."
Scooping him up with ease, Roman carried Patton towards the door of the apartment.
"Fear not, my love. I shall save you." Looking over his shoulder Roman gave Virgil an encouraging smile. "Farewell, Sir Virgil. Until we meet again."
Patton blew Virgil a kiss before snuggling back into Roman's hold as the two left. As soon as the door was shut, Virgil set to work arranging the apartment and preparing for Logan's arrival.
 **************
 "Why didn't you tell me about Virgil's plans sooner?" Patton questioned, as the two drove back to their own place on the other side of town.
"Because we knew you wouldn't be able to keep it a secret. I love you, but you have no poker face what-so-ever."
Glancing briefly away from the road, Roman watched Patton open his mouth to argue before closing it and pouting. He knew the other too well, and neither could deny that there was no way in the world Patton would have survived the 6 months of planning. His heart was made of gold, but he couldn't keep a secret no matter how hard he tried.
 **************
 The scent of Virgil's Pasta Surprise greeted Logan as he entered the apartment and the weight of his day of work melted away. Coming down the small hall, their dinning table was all set for dinner and an animal documentary was playing on the TV. Virgil was no where in sight.
"Virge! I'm home!"
When no reply came, Logan placed his bag in the cupboard under the stairs and stepped into the kitchen to give dinner a quick stir on the stove. The low simmer was keeping the meal warm without signs of burning, but it was unlike Virgil to leave the kitchen unattended. There were so many potential dangers to leaving any kitchen appliance unsupervised, and as a result Virgil was generally very vigilant about keeping the kitchen under watch. 
"Virgil?" Logan called out again, a pang of worry in his stomach.
Working to remain calm, Logan ascended the stairs and scanned the study and bathroom before entering their bedroom. The house was utterly spotless; not a single item was out of place.
"Clearly Virgil spent his afternoon cleaning. So what could have possibly happened to him?"
 Logan froze as he heard a slight whimper. He breathed a sigh of relief at the sound, as he slowly moved over to the wardrobe door. Past experience had proved it to be a space Virgil retreated to when he was anxious about something. Logan quietly removed his jacket and shoes before opening the door; dropping down to crawl beneath the waterfall of hanging clothing and sitting next to his partner.
Virgil’s hoodie was pulled over his head, which rested on his curled up knees. Some would say it was a very childlike position, but for Virgil it was how he was most comfortable. No words were exchanged as Logan got comfortable; sitting close enough for Virgil to sense him without establishing physical contact. Reaching behind a small shoe rack, Logan produced a box of tissues and set it next to him before leaning back and waiting for Virgil to make his move.
By Logan's count, it was only 20 seconds before the black figure moved and lent against his shoulder. He handed Virgil a tissue and waited patiently, listening to the steadying breaths of the person he loved.
"Work or other?" Logan whispered as he gently encouraged Virgil to lay on his lap.
"Other." Virgil's voice was strained from crying; clearly he had been upset for a while.
"In your control or outside of it?" Pushing the hood back, Logan began fidgeting with Virgil's hair and kept his eyes straight ahead to avoid causing him further anxiety.
"A bit of both."
"Does it have anything to do with why the house is so clean?"
Virgil nodded and squeezed his eyes shut tight, begging the tears to stop. This wasn't what he and Roman had planned. Having a breakdown in the wardrobe was not on the list of romantic things to do that night.
 "Dinner smelt lovely when I got in the door." Virgil stiffened as Logan spoke; he had completely forgotten about the food on the stove. "No harm done. As per usual, you set it at the perfect temperature to avoid any burning."
Sitting up, Virgil grabbed a fresh tissue to wipe his eyes; giving Logan the full view of his glittery, black  streaked face. It became obvious that Virgil had planned something special for the night. He only ever pulled out the glittery, black eyeshadow for special occasions. Logan started compiling a mental list of possible announcements - a promotion at his work; an apprenticeship at the tech-company he had been trying to get into; perhaps he finally tracked down his missing Mother.
 "I should really go and finish dinner. I should never have left it alone." As Virgil stood, Logan reached up and grabbed his hand; anchoring him inside the wardrobe while he got to his feet.
"Dinner can wait, but I can not."
Logan dropped his hand and Virgil looked at him in confusion, "You can not wait for what?"
"For you to tell me what is going on." Virgil looked at the ground and whispered, "I can't. Not now. It ... It wasn't meant to be like this."
"Let me guess," Logan pulled Virgil into an embrace, and the other locked his arms tightly around Logan's middle as they slowly swayed to imaginary music. "You made a big plan to tell me something. Roman obviously had some kind of hand in it. You had the perfect vision for how the evening would go." Virgil nodded, his head leaning against his shoulder. "But something didn't quite work. You forgot an element and it seemed the whole night was going to be a disaster."
"It's like you can read my mind."
"Not at all. It is almost like I love you so much, that I have learnt exactly how your mind works." Virgil looked up at Logan to make a self-deprecating comment, but Logan continued; silencing the thought. "I love you so much, that I have learnt to read you like a book. I know what you love. I know what you hate. I know what makes you happy and what keeps you up at night. I love every part of you. The part that smiles. The part worries about how everyone else is feeling. I even love the part of you that wants to hide in a wardrobe. I wouldn't be here if I didn't love every part of you. So, trust me when I say, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you."
Virgil knew he was breathing, but he swore every organ in his body shut down. His heart swelled as he looked into Logan's brown eyes. They never faltered. He didn't look cross, upset or annoyed. He saw no pity or regret in them. The only emotions Virgil could find were love, admiration and caring. Logan never judged him. Never tired of pulling him out of his dark places. How was it even possible? The confident scientist and teacher, and the anxious wannabe. How were they even together?
 "So, are you ready to tell me?"
The quiet and comforting voice pulled Virgil back to the present. He never took his eyes off Logan as he reached into his jacket pocket, fingers silently prying open the box containing the ring.
"This wasn't how I planned to do this?"
"Perhaps a better way of seeing it, is that this is your way and the other way was Roman's."
Virgil laughed, "Actually, Roman's way was way more uncomfortable."
Logan's mind raced, still tossing up what Virgil was so anxious about telling him. He decided that the most logical option was to do with his family, which is why Virgil's next action left him stunned.
 "6 months ago we were laying in bed and you pulled me into your arms and said you would one day buy me a star. When I asked why, you said it was the only thing you could think of that would prove just how much you loved me. Honestly, I hated the idea. Not because I didn't appreciate the sentiment, partially because I didn't think I deserved it, but also because I thought I wouldn't be able to top that level of dedication."
Virgil pulled the metal sphere out of his pocket and looked down at it with a smile.
"Turns out, I think I can top a star. I want to give you the whole universe, Logan. Right in your hand." Virgil looked up and watched Logan's eyes widen as his fingers shifted the sphere into a flat ring. "Logan Berrin, will you marry me?"
 Jokes had always been made that Logan had no emotion. He use to joke about it himself. It was all a defence mechanism of course; school had been rather unkind to him prior to meeting Patton and Roman. He never would have expected that the person to crack his emotional walls would be Virgil. Quiet and reserved, Virgil. Accepting and trustworthy, Virgil. The black eyed boy who had served coffee in the old library. Virgil Sanders.
 Virgil anxiously fidgeted the ring back into a sphere, head slowly dropping as the silence extended. Then he saw it. The tears welling in Logan's eyes and the emotion rolling over his face as if someone had just hit play on his emotions.
Snapping the sphere back into a ring, Virgil held it out to Logan.
"So, Lo, will you marry me?"
"There is no fucking way I would ever say no."
 The kiss that followed was nothing like either of them had experienced before. Tears of joy streaked their faces, and eventually they separated long enough for Virgil to slip the ring onto Logan's finger before embracing again. They would have stayed in the wardrobe longer, had it not been for Virgil's stomach grumbling. Logan couldn't help but laugh as Virgil blushed and apologised for spoiling the moment.
"Well it's a good thing my fiancé already cooked dinner." Logan held his hand out to Virgil, "Care to join me downstairs?"
"Absolutely."
_____________________
What else have I done:
You Promised (oneshot - prinxiety angst/injury/near death) 
Sides of a Hero (Completed Fic - sides are fusions of impulses and aspects of Thomas. Virgil has a depressing past that he is forced to face thanks to Deceit and Rage. Was canon compliant at the time of completion)
Libraries are for Meetings (ongoing WIP - Human/University au with Royality and developing Analogical. Slow burn and heavily focused on a grieving group of friends that Virgil slowly becomes a part of to better himself.)
The Shield to your Sword (WIP - A fantasy/magic au - Prinxiety (Royal Roman and orphan Virgil - they’ll admit to their love eventually), Virgil angst, non binary, healer Logan, *spoiler* Patton) 
Check out my other blog for random fandom reblogs and stuff @snail-giggles​
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ohtheseboysilove · 5 years
Text
Ghost from the past II [ Roger Taylor x F!Reader ]
Words : 3, 900 K + (sorry sis)
Warnings : language, angst, panic attack
Summary :  Reader and Roger are in love and happy. Until Ally, first love and ex-girlfriend of Roger come back after years of silence, bringing chaos in their perfect life.
Note : The angst is definitively here ! I’m sorry Fred is being a bit of a bitch in this one and trust me poor Reader is not done crying ;) Tell me waht you think my cutie pies xx
Masterlist & Requests
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@/ none of these gifs are mine xx
“(Y/N), baby. Wake up.” You blinked slowly as you felt a soft caress on your cheek, the worried face of Roger bended over you. “Here is my girl, you scared me baby”
You slowly sat up and noticed you were in you and Roger’s bed, your head throbbing slightly. He gave you a glass of water with a tender smile and you thanked him quietly, drinking it to clear your dizzy mind. He pressed a light kiss on your hairs, his fingers still rubbing your cheek. The conversation you had with the drummer came back immediately and you looked at the blond with terrified eyes.
“Tell me it’s not true. Please, tell me you don’t actually have a kid” You murmured with a weak voice, your hand clenching around his tee-shirt in a pleading gesture.
“(Y/N), it’s true” He grabbed your face but you pushed him away, shaking with panic your head, tears rolling freely on your red cheeks.
“No, no, no ! I love you Roger, I don’t want you to leave me” You sobbed loudly, trying to catch your breath between your cries. “You’re gonna go back to Ally and your son and forget about me” You could feel the panic attack raising in you, the fear crushing your lungs and your heartbeat increasing at every seconds.
The blond had his mouth half-opened, looking rather surprised with your reaction. His silence made you freaked out even more, crying hysterically at the thought of the love of your life leaving you for another woman.
“Baby, hey, calm down, please” He pushed away the hairs from your face and captured your jaw, he knew usually what to do to help through your anxiety but it was the first time he caused one of your panic attack. “Look at me, (Y/N). Breath baby, I’m not going anywhere. I’m certainly not going back with Ally, never. I’m staying with you because you’re the one I love” You refused to believe him, the nerves were taking the best of you as the pressure against your chest became heavier and you started to hiccup between each breath.
“N–no, I...she–“ You couldn’t form a proper sentence, sobbing furiously. She had his kid, why he would stay with you now ? He won’t. Your glanced at your shaking hands in Roger’s, you loved him so much, it was almost painful. “I– love you”
“And I love you too (Y/N), more than anyone I ever loved. You’re stuck with me for a very long time, I’m not going anywhere” You nodded slowly but you couldn’t still breath correctly, chocking out at every try. “Lay down baby, I’m coming in a minute” He raised the covers and waited until you slowly slid under, your chest going up and down painfully.
He went to the bathroom and like he promised come back quickly, a wet clothe on his hand. He sat next to you and gently pressed the fresh towel on your forehead, then your burning cheeks, rubbing softly under your swollen eyes. You felt better, his tender gestures helped you focused on your heartbeat, slowing it slightly. He put the wet towel on the night table and took his shirt off before joining you under the blankets, his arm immediately bringing your body against his, putting delicately your head on his chest, right above his heart. You sniffled quietly, streaming of tears slowing down as you listened his steady heartbeat. It was something that Roger did often when you were very anxious to calm your down, it worked every time.
He whispered sweet nothing to your ear until you fell asleep, completely drained of all your energy after your little breakdown.
                                               *************
When you woke up, the sunlight was less bright than when you fell asleep, the beginning of the evening creeping in the quiet bedroom.
“Feeling better ?” Roger’s lips pressed gently against your forehead as you yawned lazily.
“Yes” You cheeks heated up as you remembered your pathetic behaviour earlier during mid day. “I’m sorry” You watched him grabbed a cigarette and lighted it, taking a deep puff.
“Don’t be baby. I freaked out too when she told me” You let your hand wandering gently on his bare chest, waiting for him to continue. After all, he was the one who became father of a four-years old kid over a night, must be overwhelming. “Couldn’t believe it when she said that but...now I understood why she left years ago”
“Can I ask you something ? But promise you not gonna mad at me ?” You asked him with doe eyes, a bit worry about his reaction. He glanced back at you and captured your lips in a lazy, sloppy kiss, giving you the reassurance you needed. “How can you be sure it’s your son ? You told me you and her were seeing other peoples before she left...”
He chuckled softly, his chest vibrating under your head. His hand opened the drawer of his night table and he gave you a polaroid picture.
“That exactly what I said to her so she showed a picture of Seth, it’s his name, and I...there no doubt possible” Your eyes almost popped out of your head at the picture. The little boy was a perfect replica of Roger, blond messy hairs, same cute nose and his giant blue eyes. The cheeky smile was here too. “I know, he look exactly like me when I was his age, it’s crazy”
You smiled, barely hiding the sadness in your voice as you spoke :
“He is a beautiful kid, Rog” The drummer squeezed your hip, knowing how strange and hard it must be for you too. “So...what are you gonna do about Seth ? Is Ally gonna let you see him ?”
He took a last drag and crushed the cigarette in the ashtray. “Told her I want to be part of the kid’s life” He glanced at you and his features relaxed when he saw your encouraging smile. Of course he wouldn’t abandon his child, you knew Roger and even if he was surprised he would be here. “She seemed happy about it, told me I could meet him this weekend if I was ready”
“Are you ?” He nodded almost timidly his head, his cheeks covered in a light shade of pink. “That’s great Roger, Seth deserved to know his amazing father” You put a gentle kiss on his lips, stroking softly his hairs.
“You think he will like me ?” The blond rarely needed reassurance, he was a pretty confident man. He had to when whatever he did was commented by the whole world, talking shit about him and his band without any shame.
“I know he will love you Rog” You exchanged a loving gaze.
You meant every of your words.
                                               **************
Two months had pass since you learnt about Seth, stressful months for you but amazing for Roger. Him and Seth were now very close, apparently the kid was more than happy that his dad was a rockstar, beaming with joy everytime Roger showed him some stuffs on his drums in the studio. You didn’t meet him yet, your fiancé asked you to come with him for the first meeting but you told him it wasn’t your place to go, it would only confuse the poor boy. Roger and him spent a lot of time together and with Ally, of course. Picnic in the park, afternoon at the zoo or beach day at Brighton. You felt sick everytime he left to go see his...his family. You didn’t have a problem with Seth, he seemed to be a lovely kid and it wasn’t his fault but knowing that the drummer spent so much time with his ex-girlfriend made you incredibly anxious.
For the second time Roger proposed you to meet him. And Ally. Now that Seth was use to his dad, he could meet you and the band, who was aware of Roger’s paternity only since this morning. He knew that if Fred knew about Ally’s return he would have gone straight to her place and messed up Roger’s efforts. Tonight they were all coming at your and Roger’s place to introduce Seth to everyone. Saying you were nervous was an understatement.
“Relax, baby. No need to be so tense, everything gonna be fine” The blond came behind as you were cooking, gently massaging your sore shoulders.
You didn’t spend a day without being nervous, always wondering if Roger was falling back in love with Ally. It would be so much easier for him, going back with the mom of his son…
“I know, it’s just...” A loud knock on the door interrupted your sentence. You gulped loudly and watched Roger walking to the door.
You sighed when you recognised John and Brian’s voices. They were with their respective wives, of course, Chrissie and Veronica, all speaking excitedly about Seth.
“(Y/N), how have you been ? We didn’t see you for ages” Brian enveloped you in hug and you forced your lips to curl into a smile.
“I’m fine Bri, been busy with work” Lies. You were to fucked up about Ally to do much these past months. “Hey John, Rog told me about Veronica’s pregnancy. Congrat !” You put a warm kiss on Deaky’s cheek when he came toward you.
“Thanks (Y/N), we are very happy and the kids are ecclesiastic to have a new baby sister or brother in few months” You smiled tenderly and turned off the oven as the meal just finished to cook. “How...how did you take the new about Seth ? Must have been difficult to you”
“Yeah, it’s been strange at the beginning but Roger is so happy everytime he come back from seeing him...I’m glad Ally finally told him” You busied yourself with cooking the vegetables to avoid John and Brian’s gazes.
They exchanged a glance but didn’t insist, thankfully. Just when Veronica and Chrissie joined you to chat, Freddie’s voice echoed in the living-room and unfortunately, Paul’s too. This man was the devil but Fred couldn’t go anywhere without him.
You watched them seeing hello to everyone. Paul purposely avoiding Roger and it was the smartest idea he get since you knew him, the blond winked at you when he caught your gaze on him and you smiled softly, your heart fluttered everytime you lost yourself in his beautiful eyes.
“Hi Freddie” You took off your apron and walked to the singer with a big smile. You really loved him, he had been so nice since the first day Roger introduced you as his girlfriend to the band, he gave you the warmest welcome you ever had and you were grateful for that.
“(Y/N), where were you hiding ?” You opened your arms for warm hug but he turned around before you could reach him. The front door was open and a woman’s voice that you didn’t know travel to your ears. Ally.
You watched Freddie dodging your hug to almost ran toward the brunette who walked in the living-room. She was absolutely beautiful. Taller and thinner than you with a gorgeous smile and pretty doe eyes. You never really felt bad about yourself but compared to Ally you were completely ridiculous. A tight knot formed in your throat as she accepted the bone-crushing hug of Fred.
“Ally, darling ! I missed you so much, I can’t believe you’re still gorgeous as I remembered, this dress is absolutely ravishing !”
You drifted your gaze to the plates in your hands, breathing slowly to calm your shaking hands. It wasn’t the time for a scene. You silently dressed the table, listening to the boys happily welcoming their old friend and gushing about how cute Seth was. You rubbed your bare arms, feeling suddenly cold and profoundly sad. It was like it wasn’t your place to be here, she didn’t know Chrissie but they were already chatting animatedly about kids, you sniffled quietly but repressed your tears.
“Hey” You felt a light touch on your shoulder and faced Roger with Seth in his arms as you turned around. “(Y/N), this Seth, buddy this is (Y/N), daddy’s friend who I told you about” You cleared your throat and smiled warmly to the little boy, he looked even more like the drummer in reality.
“Hi Seth, it’s nice to meet you. Your dad told me a lot about you” He giggled lightly and hid his face in his dad’s neck, bringing a tender smile on Roger’s face. “He is so cute Rog. And he looked so much like you, it’s unreal”
“I’m the one who carry nice months and at the end, he looked exactly like his father” Ally joked as she appeared next to Rog, smiling gently. You stomach twisted heavily at her sight, her hand rubbing Seth’s back. You forced a chuckle and ignored the chills running through your body, she was the one who transformed your perfect life in a living nightmare. Unintentionally, but still, you would never getting back your old simple life. “I’m Ally, you must be the lovely (Y/N) ?”
“It’s me, yes. Nice to meet you Ally” You shook hands and shifted uncomfortably when she moved her hand to Roger’s forearm.
“How’s doing our little angel ?” You felt your eyes burned at the our, Seth was her and Roger’s kid, a little reminder for you that they were linking around this little boy for the rest of their life.
“He’s alright. A bit shy with all these new peoples but he’s gonna be okay, right buddy ?” Seth nodded eagerly and made grabby hands toward his mom who happily complied. “(Y/N) made him mash potatoes and nuggets for dinner, it’s ready if he is hungry” She gave you a nice smiled and walked away, you sighed deeply and turned back to the kitchen, closing your eyes to calm you down.
“I know it’s hard for you baby” Roger spun you around to face him and kissed your head. “I’m very grateful for what you do (Y/N), you’re amazing” You smiled timidly and took refuge in his warm embrace.
                                             *****************
The rest of the evening passed smoothly, the boys catching up with Ally and learning more about their “nephew”, all already under the charm of the little boy. It wasn’t hard to fall, he was as good as his dad with charming peoples.
“Oh my god Rog !” Ally stood up and walked to the bookcase, grabbing his old polaroid. “I can’t believe you still have my present. It was for your...what ? Twentieth birthday ?”
“It was for our first Valentine’s day together All, you’re still have a bad memory” He chuckled, amused. You drank a sip of your wine and Roger’s hand, which was pressed against your thigh, rubbed gently your skin.
“Really ? Jesus, I remember we did have fun this day” She giggled and you were almost sure she said that in purpose, letting Roger brought the subject on the table. You bit harshly the inside of your cheek as everyone laughed, your head downed toward your plate, staring blankly at it.
“Oh but it couldn’t have be funnier that the day I walked in your room Rog, when I found you naked and tied up to the bed, I swear I almost pee myself !” Freddie commented with a loud giggle, wiping away the amused tears of his eyes. “Ally, you cheeky bastard, she let him like this after he said something she didn’t like”
You put down your forks and pinched roughly your leg, trying to distract your mind from your urge to cry. The drummer slid his hand around your shoulder, pressing it as an apology.
“Fred, stop it” Roger warned him with a severe voice and the singer rolled his eyes.
“Oh come on, we’re all grown up. (Y/N) know perfectly it’s the past, don’t you darling ?” All the gazes were on you and you nodded quickly, a fake chuckle escaping your mouth.
“Of course Fred. I...I’m gonna bring the desert” You ignored Roger’s worry look as you walked to the kitchen.
You took few deep breaths, putting aside the pain in your chest and doing your best to ignored Fred’s words. You felt horrible and you didn’t understand why he was doing that to you. He wasn’t stupid, he certainly knew that it would hurt you to hear about Roger and his ex-girlfriend but he kept doing it anyway. Probably because she had been his best friend for years and years.
When you came back with the chocolate cake, Ally was back in her chair, the polaroid on his hand, taking a picture of Seth, more than happy to pose. Definitively Roger’s kid.
“Thank you, baby” The drummer grabbed the plate from your hands and you gave him a reassuring smile, not long before they all left and honestly you couldn’t wait. He started cutting it and giving a part for everyone.
“Oh, thanks Rog but I don’t eat chocolate, I thought you would remember that” You didn’t like the way she called him Rog all the time, a little reminder of their closeness. And she couldn’t stop neither to talk about the past, if you weren’t eating alive by the fear to see Roger left, you would have been pissed off.
“Nonsense, Ally darling ! You have an incredible body, you can eat all the chocolate of the world” Freddie didn’t miss an opportunity to praise his long-life best friend.
“He is right Ally, you’re really in a shape. I don’t know how you do that, I don’t have time with the kids !” Veronica commented and listened carefully to the brunette’s answer.
You looked at the cake in your plate and ate a little piece, feeling immediately sick after. You spaced out for some long minutes, your spoon playing with the desert as you were just waiting for everyone to leave. You came back when you felt Roger moving next to you. He pushed back his chair and took Seth on his leg, bouncing him up and down earning cute giggled from the little boy.
“You’re ready buddy ? Smile to mummy !” At his words you noticed Ally crouched down in front of them, the polaroid in her hands.
“Boys, you look beautiful !” Ally stood up and gently pressed a hand on Roger’ shoulders, showing to him and Seth the picture.
You stared at the three of them with tears in your eyes, you never felt so out of place than right now. They looked like the perfect little family and you like the horrible woman who were trying to break them.
“Can daddy sleep at home with us tonight, mummy ?” You swallowed a sob and stood up discretely, hiding the tears on your cheeks.
“You knew I would love but I can’t buddy, but next week you can sleep here if you want ?”
“Can mummy come too ?”
You closed the bathroom door and dropped on your knees in front of the toilet, emptying your stomach in it. Your throat was burning as you slowly moved away, flushing the toilet with a loud sob, thankfully the music in the living-room was probably muffling your noises. You splashed your face with fresh water, rising your mouth and shook your head, you couldn’t cry longer as they were going to leave soon. The last thing you wanted was that everyone saw you crying over Ally, Roger and Seth. You would look like the selfish jealous fiancé who couldn’t be happy for the drummer. A knock on the door made you jump.
“One minute, please” You replied with a shaky voice.
“(Y/N), it’s John. Just want to talk to you” You dried your eyes with a tissue and get out, facing Deaky. “I’m sorry for tonight” He smiled sadly at you and shook your head, blinking to keep away the tears.
“It’s okay Deaky, Seth is a really cool kid, I’m really happy for Rog”
“I know you are. But Fred wasn’t very nice to you tonight, him and Ally had always been like this, having each other’s back, even if it’s hurt innocent people like you” He squeezed gently your hand and you smiled sorrowfully at him but at least someone understood you tonight. “And I can’t imagine how you felt about her...sudden come back in our life but Roger love you, he truly does. And Ally can see it too, I think she is a bit...jealous. She always had been Roger’s number one girl and now it’s you, she’s not use to that but she will come around”
“Thank you John” He saw how hard it was for you to not burst in cry right now so he proposed to go back in the living-room, you agreed eagerly, everyone were probably about to leave.
You were right, you felt a tiny bit better when you saw all your guests putting their coats back, Seth clenching onto his father’s arms, whining loudly.
“I will see next week buddy okay ? We can go to the funfair if you want” His face immediately lighted up and all mark of sadness were gone.
“Wait ! We should do a picture darlings, like in the good old time !” Freddie yelled, a bit drunk. “(Y/N), honey come here” You smiled timidly, relieved that the singer finally gave you some attention after pratically ignoring you all night. But your smile fell as he handed you the polaroid. “Take few steps back if you want to have everyone in the picture (Y/N) !”
Paul snickered loudly and smiled nastily at you, seeing very well the hurt in your eyes.
“Hey, no, baby come here. Paul should take the picture” Roger was about to stand up but Ally pushed him back on his chair, sliding an arm around his shoulder, Seth on his lap.
“Nonsense Roger, Paul is with me, he must be on the picture” He chuckled but coughed awkwardly when he saw your glossy eyes. Everyone saw them but you ignored their pity looks and did as Freddie asked you. “I mean he knew Ally since a long time so...” He tried to save the situation but it was too late for that, the pain was already caused. Chrissie didn’t know Ally before tonight but apparently she was legitimate to the picture.
“It’s okay, Fred. I understand” You replied with a fake and pathetic weak smile.
“No, it’s not, (Y/N) baby–“
“She said it’s fine Rog” Ally cut him with an exasperate voice. “It’s just a picture”
He was about to chatted her back but he saw you, shaking your head with a pleading look. You just wanted to end this horrible evening . So he sighed discretely and smiled, hardly but he did for the photo.
As soon as the picture slid from the polaroid you said a quick and general goodbye before locking yourself in the bathroom. You peeled off all your clothes and moved under the shower, sitting on the floor as the warm water rolled on you.
“Baby, they’re gone” You didn’t answer and hid your face in your hands, muffling the sound of your cries. “(Y/N), let me in, please” You didn’t move and kept crying instead, your head pressing against the cold wall of the shower. “(Y/N) can–“
“I need to be alone right now Roger, please” You chocked out between two sobs. “I will join you in bed in few minutes” He murmured a weak okay and his footsteps echoing in the hallway.
You stayed under the shower until the water became cold, you couldn’t understand how quickly your life turned from perfect to nightmarish so quickly.
                                            ********************
Tag list : @16wiishes @borhapqueen92 @thewinchesterchronicles @khaleesi2017
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Text
five times jon came out (and one time he didn’t have to)
spoilers up to the end of season 4, and cw for minor transphobia/cisnormativity
i. his grandmother
He was nine the first time.
His grandmother had asked him to wash the dishes, and as he did, he ran over the words in his head as he kicked one foot against the stepstool he had to use to reach the sink.
“Stop doing that,” she said sharply, her voice carrying across the kitchen from where she sat, reading the newspaper. 
“Sorry,” he said, setting the dishes aside. She clicked her tongue at him, shaking her head. 
After a moment, he approached her at the table. “Can I talk to you about something?” he asked quietly, making sure he wasn’t fidgeting or anything like that. It would only make his argument weaker if he was nervous. She wouldn’t listen to him if he was nervous.
“Well? What is it?”
“I don’t… feel like a girl,” he said, his voice shaky even if his body wasn’t. “I haven’t for a while. And… I want to start dressing and acting like a boy now. And pick another name.”
She looked up with her eyebrows raised higher than he’d ever seen them. “Absolutely not,” she said, adjusting the newspaper in her hands and looking away from him. “There is absolutely no way I am letting you destroy our reputation like that.”
“But—” He’d expected this, had sources, had a plan. 
“No buts. Continue with your chores and then start your homework. Now.”
He left the point for nearly four years, just tried his best to get on with his life and be a normal person. And then he hit puberty, and then everything felt wrong. 
From then on, he would insist at least once a month that he still wasn’t a girl, still felt wrong, still wanted to pick another name. And every single time, his grandmother would shut him down, tell him that he was going to ruin their reputation, force him back into the closet. 
It was almost convincing. He gave up on it, thought it was just a phase every girl went through—until uni, until Oxford when he was free and could shave his head and dress how he liked and be who he liked… 
ii. georgie
…and still he felt wrong. It became clearer and clearer that this wasn’t going to go away. 
He started joining online support groups. There were some that confused him, some that helped, some that were just useless to him.
His college roommate talked to him about her friend groups—and the pair of boyfriends in it. He joined the gay-straight alliance with her and told everyone to use ‘they’ pronouns for him, and it felt… good. Really, really good. Not perfect, of course, because there was still that tiny sense of wrongness tweaking at the back of his mind, but good enough that he felt really, truly safe.
Georgie, one of the girls in the GSA, started to talk to him. Then started to hang out with him. Then they started to date, and by the end of their junior year they’d made plans to move in together. And then the sense of wrongness got stronger and stronger. He spent night after night worrying about it, barely eating or sleeping, just thinking and thinking. He spiraled—deep into his own thoughts, constantly on the edge of a panic attack or a breakdown. 
He came out to Georgie only a few days later. She accepted him—of course she did, she was incredible about it. They went online and found a trading group, one that gave away binders from people who had finished their top surgery. 
And then they fought, and then they broke up, and Jon was alone. 
So he moved on. He got a job while closeted, and then was outed at work, and got fired. And then… 
iii. elias
…he did something he wasn’t proud of. 
He forged his documents. A birth certificate, resume, degree, everything he needed. He went back to the Magnus Institute, where he’d done an internship a few years before. 
The interview had been a breeze. Apparently they’d been looking to fill a researcher position, and while he hadn’t studied anything even close to research science, his English degree was close enough. He wasn’t sure that was how it worked, but he wasn’t going to turn down a job he had basically gotten with no qualifications at all. Especially one that he was allowed to present male at.
There were the usual bumps, of course—he didn’t get along with everyone there, but he wasn’t expecting himself to, and for the most part, people were actually kind of nice.
He was transferred to the archives a few years later. He didn’t know the first thing about library science, much less have a degree in it, but apparently he was somehow qualified enough to become the head archivist. It had struck him as odd at the time, of course, but he didn’t question it. The job was well paying, and if he made anyone aware of the fact that he really wasn’t qualified to be doing this, he might lose it.
So he didn’t. He just kept doing his work, recording statements, getting poorly made bagged tea from Martin, staying later and later until he barely went home. It was absolutely perfect—until his new boss, Elias, did some digging.
He didn’t know what to do until Elias said that he wasn’t going to be fired. Of course, he was completely confused by that—why wouldn’t he be fired? 
When he told Elias so, he just replied with a sigh and a shake of the head. 
“You’re a capable archivist,” he said. “If I fired you over just a tiny bit of forgery, what would I do without you? I’d have to hire another, and…” He waved a many-ringed hand vaguely. “Really, too much work for me.”
And with that, Jon was still working there. Still drinking the slightly disgusting coffee that Sasha would make, still working with Martin and still avoiding Elias as much as he could. 
Things started to get weirder and weirder, and before he knew it…
iv. tim
…there were worms. There were these terrible, awful worms everywhere and he had to save the Institute and then they were on him and he was fairly certain that he blacked out for a while because the next thing he knew, Martin had a corkscrew to his arm and he was having worms pulled out of him.
He knew where they were. He’d felt them. And there were some that they’d have to go under his binder to get. 
They’d better give me a raise enough that I can get top surgery soon was the only coherent thought running through his head. He was panicking—very slightly, but still panicking.
“I can do the rest myself,” he said, standing up quickly and practically tearing the corkscrew from Martin’s hand. 
It only took a few moments for him to lock himself in the bathroom and strip off his shirt, then his binder. He bit his lip, then drove the corkscrew into his upper chest.
It burned like hell as he drew it out of himself, but the worm was gone in moments. Then the next, then the next. He made his way down his chest, to his stomach, then prepared to drive it into his leg and—
“Jon?”
He flinched, seeing Tim standing at the door with a shocked expression on his face. His eyes flicked from Jon’s face to his chest back up to his face.
“Those look pretty bad,” he said hollowly as he stared vaguely in Jon’s direction.
“Yeah,” he said quietly.
Tim stood there in silence for a moment. 
“You’re not going to tell anyone,” Jon said, his voice shaking violently. 
“No. I’m not.”
Jon pulled his shirt back around himself. He looked away from Tim, praying he wouldn’t try anything.
He heard a sound from beside him as Tim sat down, looking straight ahead rather than at Jon. It was a small relief, but a relief nonetheless, and he tried to struggle back into his binder to little avail. 
“Hey, hey, don’t do that. You’re still bleeding, Jesus, Jon.” Tim put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “Just… just sit here, I’m gonna get you some gauze and we’re gonna get you down to the medical team so we can get you fixed up.”
Jon shut his eyes tightly, and he leaned heavily on Tim as they both tried desperately to get him sitting up. 
“Just take your shirt—you want your jacket, too?” he asked, helping Jon to his feet. 
“Y—yeah.” He struggled into his shirt, Tim helping him with the buttons. After a moment, he leaned on Tim, clinging to the lapel of Tim’s jacket tightly. He hated feeling so helpless, but he could barely walk for all the holes in his legs.
“This changes nothing between us,” Tim said as he brought him to the ambulances outside. 
“Of course.”
v. basira
Everything was normal for a while. He could pretend things were normal for a while. 
He flat-ironed his hair less regularly. Martin grew more distant. He and Basira started working together, traveling together.
America wasn’t the best place to be, but he was tolerating it. They were hopping, motel to motel, never staying in one place too long. Staying in the same room, same bed sometimes. Didn’t matter much—Jon went to bed far later than Basira most nights, anyway. So he was careful.
Really, it was inevitable that it would happen.
They were watching a movie together, curled up on the motel room couch, closer than Jon would ordinarily have wanted to be but close enough to satisfy the pain in his skin when someone wasn’t near enough to him. He couldn’t remember a single plot point from the rest of the movie, but there was something happening with explosions and a girl with spiky hair.
“You good, Jon?” she asked, one hand on his head and one around the massive bowl of microwave popcorn. 
“Tired,” he murmured, curling up against Basira. “Really tired.”
“You want to shower and go to sleep?” she asked, turning the volume lower on the TV. He shook his head, still leaning against her shoulder. 
“You always go to bed so late, Jon. Please? For once?” 
He sighed, curling up into a ball next to her. “I can’t.”
“And why can’t you?”
“Just can’t.” Words were becoming difficult. He didn’t want to compel her to answer him, force her to do anything, but it was getting harder and harder. “You’ll—”
“Jon. Please just… just sleep. I don’t care about seeing you ‘unprofessional’ or whatever, I just—”
“I don’t care about you seeing me like that, I care about you seeing me without my binder!”
There was a long silence, where Basira didn’t move. Jon could feel himself getting more and more tense, until she finally shifted on the couch to pull him closer.
“I’m not going to judge you for that, Jon,” she said quietly. “I bind, too. Not like you’re special or anything.”
He sighed in relief. And things got easier. Travel got easier when he wasn’t hiding anything from Basira, movement got easier now that he could take off his binder for several more hours a day than he had before. They made far better time getting around than they ever had before, likely due to the fact that Jon wasn’t constantly exhausted. 
And then they returned to the Institute and things were different. Worse. They had to rescue Martin—or, more accurately, Jon had to rescue Martin, because that was the only way.
Things were not normal. Normal wasn’t real anymore. But… 
+i. martin
…what things were, that was more difficult. If Jon had to put a pinpoint on it, he would say things were comfortable. A new kind of comfortable, of course, one that sat just to the left of the end of the world, but comfortable nonetheless.
Martin was, in the most complete sense of the word, perfect. He was so caring and generous and offered to do pretty much everything, since Jon was nearly incapacitated since the Lonely and had to use his wheelchair nearly constantly. They managed to live what could have been called a normal life for at least two weeks. 
And then Jon managed to work himself into a panic over the fact that he hadn’t been on testosterone for three weeks, and locked himself in the bathroom to sit and cry.
“Jon? You in there?” Martin asked, gently knocking on the door. “Er, I mean, of course you’re in there, but are you alright? You, er, you’ve kind of been in there for quite a while…” 
“Y—” He sighed. “No. I just—I didn’t—”
“Oh, you didn’t get to bring any testosterone with you, did you? Shit, Jon, sorry. I thought there was something off, you’ve been really moody. How many milliliters are you on? You can use some of mine.”
And that was that. No need to think about it, no need to worry. Just Jon and Martin, living their lives, going into town to get things from the market, being happy.
He could get used to this. 
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theawkwardterrier · 4 years
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things left behind and the things that are ahead, ch. 19
AO3 link here
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He wakes up alone that morning. The note that Peggy’s stuck to the bathroom mirror reminds him that she’ll bring Emma and Drea with her after work. (They’d already discussed this together last night, dreamy and worn out as they curled beside each other, but she might have thought him too close to sleep to have remembered.) Perhaps Eric too, she’s written, a hastily added postscript even though it’s above the signature. Emma had mentioned that they were back together, and no matter how much Peggy had been encouraged by their breakup after high school graduation, Steve has the feeling that it will stick this time. It’s fine with him; Eric is a nice person, and Steve doesn’t doubt that Emma will live her life and find success whether they’re together or not. Staying with her high school sweetheart won’t limit that.
He doesn’t technically have work himself - he'd been called in on Saturday, and was taken off the schedule for today in exchange despite his protestations - but if he slides into the office around 10, Bella will be shut up doing budgeting and he can tuck himself away without being noticed. He needs the distraction.
Nate’s already down in the kitchen when he gets there, although he’d finished with school yesterday and doesn’t really need to be up either. He’s hunched over a book at the table but glances up when Steve enters.
“Food on the stove,” he says, removing the fork he has stuck absently in his mouth. The plate already on the table in front of him has the remnants of his own portion of scrambled eggs, along with traces of the strawberry jam he likes to mix in with them. It’s a good thing Emma isn’t here yet: she thinks it’s a sin.
Steve brushes a kiss to his head on the way past. “Thanks,” he says, going to fill a plate. They’re all used to Steve’s metabolism: Nate left probably eight eggs worth in the pan despite his own teenaged appetite. He sits down across from his son, whose nose is back in his book, another one of the science fiction novels he loves. Nate isn’t a fast reader - he spends a lot of time thinking about what he’s reading, taking in the words, their implications, what it all means - but he is steady and voracious. His bookshelves upstairs are lined with carefully cracked paperback spines, slotted in one at a time as he finishes them.
“What are you up to today?” Steve asks.
Nate finishes his page and looks up, blinking, though more from leaving another world than from the bright sunlight filling the kitchen. “There was a problem at the printer and they didn’t get the yearbooks done in time to sign them in school, so we’re all going to Nancy Taylor’s house to do it there instead. Then we have graduation ceremony rehearsal at the school anyway, so we’ll probably go over there all together.”
“Sounds good.” Steve focuses on forking up more eggs. Of all of his children, Nate would probably best accept his tearing up over the thought of these kids spending one last assured day together before they all go their separate ways, but it’s a little early for him to start falling apart.
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The work distraction is actually fairly successful. With Mary Alice’s retirement, his caseload has increased, and he manages to lose himself in files and phone calls for most of the day. He doesn’t even notice that he’s worked through lunch until Bella, finished wrangling the budget for now and in a mood from the effort, tells him loudly that even if he is going to ignore both her instructions and official regulations, he isn’t going to starve while he does it. He gives a token protest, but ends up biting ravenously through a couple of sandwiches as he stops at red lights on the way across town for a home visit he’d been able to hastily set up.
It’s actually easy to check his personal life at the door when he’s talking to families, to the kids he works with. His feelings can matter later; it’s the job that he needs to focus on now.
He’s surprised when he returns to the car and finds that it’s 4 PM. By the time he has gone back home, changed clothes, and driven over to the school, it’s about forty-five minutes to the start of the ceremony. Sliding his hands into his pockets, he sets off across the grass of the sports field where they have set up a small stage and seating all around. Back when Rose and Drea had graduated, the school had chosen to use the auditorium, but Steve guesses that the weather today was too fine to resist. The temperature has dropped from its peak of several hours ago, and a breeze brushes through his hair.
He stakes out seats, making sure to get an extra for Eric just in case. He sees some people he recognizes: parents and siblings who he’s run into around town or at past school functions for Nate and the girls, Nate’s old English teacher Mrs. Krentz, who comes over to gush praise again even though she retired last year. He tries to store away the details of it all to tell Bucky about in their next phone call; Libby will be graduating in just a couple of years. (Buck will probably have another one of his good-natured breakdowns when it happens, starting off with mentioning how young most of the other graduates’ parents are.) Mostly, though, he sits and waits.
Drea finds him first. There’s a looseness to her spine, a grin on her face, as she walks across the grass, says, “Hi, Dad!” and wraps her arms around him. Though she likes school and he can see the little smile that lives at the corners of her mouth even when she is simply telling people where she’s at college, there’s a feeling each time they drive up to Cambridge that she is constructing defenses, restructuring herself in some way. All of that is gone today. She’s wearing a belted denim dress - she never went in for Emma’s long florals, or the sorts of busy patterns and fire-bright colors that Rose prefers - and she’s gotten her hair cut since he last saw her. It’s just a couple of inches, but he smoothes a hand over it as they embrace.
“It’s good to see you,” he says quietly. “I know Nate’s looking forward to it.” The day Nate had called with the date of the graduation, Drea had circled it on her calendar while he was still on the phone (“In red, Nate, I promise”) and when they’d hung up, Steve watched him smiling with unconscious excitement. It’s not that he mopes around, whining over being left behind as his sisters have gone off one by one, and it’s not that he loves Emma and Rose less, but it’s still unfamiliar to him, being apart from Drea.
“I guess I could stand to see him,” Drea says, shrugging, but she is smiling too.
Peggy comes up behind Drea as she is pulling away. Emma and Eric are with her, Em’s hand tucked into Eric’s back pocket. Peggy catches Steve’s eye as he takes that in, raising an eyebrow and pulling her mouth just barely to the side. Steve covers a grin by dipping to kiss her cheek.
“Lovely group of seats,” she says innocuously as Steve turns to greet the other two.
They all settle in beside each other. Peggy always likes the aisle seat - quick egress - and Drea slides in after her, Emma and Eric next, and Steve bracketing the other end. Emma talks about her summer courses. Drea tells stories about Tony’s antics, the mischief he’d gotten into as he tried to prevent her from leaving even for just a few days; she’s obviously charmed by that in a way that Steve isn’t sure he would be.
The seats fill up around them, chattering relatives and friends, staff members. It is almost time.
The crickets are starting to chirp, but Pomp and Circumstance drowns them out, the high schoolers in the band clearly putting their all into it. The graduates enter in twos, each member of the pairs representing one of the school colors. Nate walks with Jillian Lee. Nate went out with Jilly on a couple of occasions, but not much came of it as far as Steve knows. She is standing very straight and walking steadily, wearing a respectable green cap and gown. Nate is stuck in the version that’s meant to be the corresponding gold but looks instead like unfortunate mustard. The robe doesn’t even fit him right, slightly too short above the ankle and draping loosely over his bony shoulders, but he manages to pull it off just through his own lack of perturbation over those facts.
As the last of the graduates file into their seats and the band silences their instruments, Drea intones quietly, “Guests, faculty, scholars,” anticipating Principal Connor’s traditional, pompous opening. After a bit of microphone feedback, he echoes her precisely, and Steve, smiling and shaking his head, angles himself to begin translating the words for Emma and Eric. Em places a hand on his after only three sentences.
“This speech - I think I can quote all of it now.”
Steve looks up at the stage. Principal Connor raises a finger in the air to emphasize a phrase. “That’s new,” Steve points out. Em rolls her eyes.
“Only one more time,” she says, hands weighty and mouth parted to emphasize the exhaustion of it all.
“Only one more time,” Steve repeats, the words coming slow and numbed on his fingers. He feels a little stricken and barely manages a smile for her.
The valedictorian and salutatorian speak one after the other. It’s obvious that they, at least, have written new speeches of their own: the words of triumph and hope, of lessons learned and more to come, might be cliche, but they are still somehow new. Even if he’s heard nearly the same sentiments at the girls’ graduations, for these kids, they are only just discovered.
When it is Nate’s turn to walk across the stage, he does it with a firm step and his family cheering loudly from the crowd. Steve, applauding hard, can’t even tell if he can pick them out in the audience, but he watches Nate raise his diploma in the air with a smile on his face and is certain that it’s meant for them. It is that same smile Steve knows so well, that peaceful, open-armed upturn of the mouth that Nate has displayed since childhood. Sometimes Steve thinks that Nate was born smiling like that, that this was the way he greeted the world on his first moment in it. He’ll never know if he’s right - that first smile belonged to someone else - but he has a lifetime of Nate’s smiles saved up and that’s something that not many people have.
As Melvin Casper is called next and they all sit back down, he and Peggy catch eyes, even down the row from one another. Despite the smile he gives her, she tilts her head, closes her eyes in an understanding blink which she holds for a beat longer than usual. I know, it seems to say, but also, How lucky have we been?
There’s a bit of a debate regarding the pictures. Nate fights his way through the crowd to find them with Emma and Peggy in the middle of a standoff over whether Eric should be included in the family photos and Steve and Drea are trying to make polite, distracting smalltalk with the man in question.
“Eric can take four, five,” Nate compromises calmly, “and then we’ll find someone to take some with him.” He searches around for a moment, then raises his voice. “Ricky! Hey, Rick, come over here for a minute.”
Ricky Blake, cap in hand, has been standing nearby, taking his own turn to greet Mrs. Krentz. He glances over at the Carters, at Nate and his beckoning hand, and excuses himself.
“What’s up?” he asks as he walks over, and Steve notices that he’s lost the awkward sort of meticulousness to the way he does the sign. He does it confidently now, casually, even if he doesn’t quite have the accompanying mouth movement down.
Eric actually has a good, artistic eye and arranges them all so that Nate is the center of the photos without throwing his shadow onto the rest of them.
When they’re finished, Steve goes to reclaim the camera.
“How are you, Ricky?” He puts out a hand to shake. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks, Mr. C.” A grin spreads across Ricky’s face as he grasps Steve’s hand enthusiastically. Even when Steve first met him, he was slightly bigger than average for a kid his age. Now Steve looks firmly up at him; he’s probably six and a half feet tall, and solid across. His graduation gown, unzipped in front by this point, has clearly been altered to fit him. He looks around. "Rose couldn't come?" He's always had a bit of a fascination with Rosie.
"No, she wasn't able to take the time off of work. She'll call tonight."
"Too bad."
“Did you decide on your plans for next year?” Steve asks. The last time they spoke, a few months ago, Ricky was still considering whether he wanted to end up at GW like Nate. He’d laid out the entire pro-con list while leaning against the counter watching Steve make carrot cake and waiting for Nate to finish getting ready for the concert they were going to.
“I’ll be staying in state,” Ricky replies, and though Steve is watching closely, his smile does not slip, the light in his eyes does not dim. “Maryland has a better education program anyway, for undergraduates at least.”
Steve can feel his eyebrows jump up. “Education?”
“Yeah.” Ricky glances back over his shoulder. “I was just telling Mrs. Krentz. I want to be an English teacher.”
“You’re going to be great at it,” Steve says with confidence. He doesn’t bother asking how Earl Blake took this news.
“Thanks, Mr. C.” Ricky looks down at the ground and then back up. He fiddles with the tassel on the cap he is still holding. He clears his throat. “I just—I wanted to tell you how much you helped me. You’re a good listener, and—um, it was important to me, to watch you with your kids or talking about your work. So, thank you. I just wanted you to know.”
For a moment, Steve can't say anything. Finally, he manages to speak. "I don't think I did much," he says with soft feeling, "but if I did, it was my pleasure."
There's always a bit of a wrench watching Ricky go back to rejoin his family. He's taller even than his father now, but there's still a little stiffening to Ricky's shoulders when they are near each other. Tim, still only just gaining some height of his own, shifts to stand beside his brother.
He thinks about how everyone still calls him Ricky, a child's name. He could have grown up into a Rich or a Richard by now, but he hasn’t. Perhaps he will never make the change. Or perhaps it just isn’t time yet: how easy it is to see Ricky and Nate and all the others on this day, at the top of a climb, and to think that it is all over. Maybe he should try to remember that it is only just beginning.
Peggy is leaning against his chest, his arm around her, before he even fully registers her there.
"We've done well, haven't we," she says, looking over at the children with pride, and he nods against her and kisses her hair.
"More to come?" he asks, a little waver in his voice, and she looks up at him, surprised.
"Of course," she says, taking his hand. "Always."
The custodial staff is beginning to come in to fold up the chairs. It is time to go.
"I want to finish telling Mom something," Drea says as they head over to the parking lot. "I'll ride with her."
Emma has her bag in Peggy's car, so she and Eric decide to join them as well. Steve squeezes Peggy's hand, still in his. She looks up at him fondly. Em's as stubborn as she is, and clearly trying out her version of exposure therapy. It's a good thing that Eric's a good sport.
"What about the man of the hour?" Peggy asks, looking over at their son. "Are you certain you don't want a nice dinner out?"
"I told you what I wanted," Nate says. Steve has the lasagna already prepared to go into the oven as soon as they get home. Every restaurant in town will be crowded tonight anyway, but that's not the reason Nate chose it. "And I'll ride over with Dad."
Peggy's parked farther in. She parts from Steve with one last squeeze of the hand and a "See you in a moment." Nate and Steve walk over to Steve's car together.
"How are you feeling?" Steve asks.
Nate takes in a deep breath of the night air. "Really good. Proud. Excited. Tired, a little, too." He looks over at his father. "How are you feeling?"
"Good. Proud of you." Steve repeats. "A little sad that this part of things is over."
"Sure," Nate says easily. "But there are other parts. And I want you there for all of those. We all do."
Steve looks over at him. “You ready for what comes next?” he asks.
Nate stretches his hands up toward the slowly darkening sky, fingers spread on one, diploma still held tightly in the other. “Course I am,” he says. The departing crowd is loud, all shouts and laughter and car engines, Nate’s voice quiet even in its surety, but Steve hears it anyway. He would hear it anywhere.
He looks at his youngest, taller than he is now by a half inch, maybe a bit more. It’s clear that Drea and Nate have height in their genes. His slim build, the lankiness of his limbs, just makes him look even taller, but he’s never seemed awkward with it. Nate always just puts one foot in front of the other, attentive about it but confident too, trusting that he’s placed himself on solid ground.
“Course you are,” he agrees. Under the beginnings of the slimming moon, he puts an arm around his son’s shoulders, pulls him close, and holds tight.
More chapters here
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flowerslut · 5 years
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The Hunted
It’s not so wise if you try to run.
Yet another #JaliceDisaster fic Rated T for language Chapter 1 of ??? inspired by G’s demonic ass
Sometimes, even for an immortal, time could pass too slowly.
Twenty minutes slowly ticked down to ten, their flight from Seattle quickly approaching the airport. Even without the arrival board informing her of their proximity, Alice knew that in exactly sixteen minutes and thirty-two seconds Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett would be rushing toward her location as fast as they could. An old woman short on patience would have a few choice words for the trio of men as they brushed by her to exit the plane first, but they’d be too caught up to pay her any mind.
Her attention flickered toward Jasper and Bella, noting how Bella wasn’t deciding on any of the restaurants Jasper proposed. It wasn’t surprising. Alice was discovering that Bella wasn’t one to actually take the initiative and feed herself. She also didn’t seem to be the type to worry about her personal wellbeing to any degree.
Alice had a lecture already mentally prepared to dish out to Bella once the girl was a touch more comfortable around her. And once this entire situation was behind them. As Alice’s best friend—her future, fragile, accident-prone, human best friend—Bella had a responsibility to at least attempt to take care of herself while she was still mortal.
Alice quickly pushed that thought away. It would do no good for Edward to pluck a thought about a potentially immortal Bella out of her head while he was under this much stress. She knew exactly which sharp words he would spit at her in reply. She didn’t want to hear it.
In a flash, a vision came over her, and immediately Alice felt every bit of assurance over Edward’s arrival rip itself from her mind. In its place, acute shock.
Standing up quickly, Alice left her bag in the metal-railed chair, entirely forgotten as she took five brisk steps forward.
She didn’t have time to hesitate. And she wouldn’t have time to run.
She heard him before she saw him. Heavy, even steps grew closer until his scent fell over her. For a millisecond she realized he’d even found himself a pair of shoes to blend in better amongst the humans. Hearing the hard, brisk clips that she knew belonged to him made a heavy feeling form in her chest.
“You can’t touch me here,” she spoke, seconds before he was in her line of sight. “If you make a scene, the Volturi will be here faster than you can say ‘hide and seek’.”
Alice could hear his amused snort over the airport bustle as he walked toward her. The sound of his voice, even the nonverbal noise, made her freeze up internally. Because instantly, she knew he would grab her there if she didn’t cooperate. He didn’t care about causing a scene. He didn’t think twice about the threat of Volturi interference.
His amount of confidence was astounding. And frankly, a bit terrifiying.
When he walked in front of her, she had to look up to meet his eyes. The red was so dark that it was nearly black. Even his presence in this airport unnerved her. All it would take was one child to slip, fall, and scrape their knee before a massacre could begin.
After a few quick flickers, Alice realized with dread that it wouldn’t even take that in order for James to rip into the first human that crossed his path. He would hold all these lives hostage as long as it meant he’d get out of there with her.
There was only one way to prevent the blood-bath that Alice was currently visualizing as their solid, set future.
“Go,” Alice spat coldly, “I’ll follow.”
James laughed again, looking down on her with a satisfied smile on his face. He paused for a handful of seconds, his eyes raking over her entire frame, and for the first time since she noted his presence, Alice wanted to run. Reaching forward he grabbed her wrist tightly. “I’m sure you will.”
He began pulling her through the airport with a grip so tight she wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t accidentally rip her arm clean off.
“I’m not going to run,” she spoke quietly as they reached the door to the stairwell. Suddenly, they were flying down the stairs, their feet barely touching the ground.
“Oh, don’t worry.” She could hear the grin in his voice as his grip tightened and suddenly she was yanked into the air. “I know that.”
With his left arm snaking around her throat and his right gripping her horizontally across her torso, he chuckled again. Alice attempted to swallow, his haunting laugh finally filling her with her first taste of actual fear since they found themselves in this situation, and found her airways cut off. Even an attempt at inhaling would be pointless. Without access to one of her vital senses, Alice's fear compounded.
“Finally.” He exhaled the word, a smile on his lips. Just before his action, Alice watched in her mind as he inhaled deeply, his eyes fluttering closed, grinning wickedly.
Within seconds he was out the door, flying too quickly for human eyes to see. They were hardly a flash of bright, reflected light in the Phoenix sun that humans would merely blink their eyes and shake their head at.
Straight toward the desert, James ran.
The ticking red hand of the clock served no true purpose to Jasper as he stared at it across the corridor. He knew it had only been fourteen minutes since they’d left to go on this ‘human journey’. He didn’t need the clock to tell him how much time had passed. Every second was vital today, and he would count down every last one.
He also knew that Bella was running on fumes at this point. Letting her nerves keep her senses alit as they sat around and waited. He also knew that this food run was a pointless trip to burn more time. Bella hardly ate, even when prompted. For eating to be her idea wasn’t typical.
He let his eyes flicker toward the letters spelling WOMEN’S in big, white print and allowed himself a sigh. He should’ve volunteered to stay behind and let Alice accompany the human on her errand. Sure, he could keep her calm when she was beside him, but he was not going to be able to fetch her if she had some sort of breakdown in one of the bathroom stalls. He contemplated running back and fetching Alice to swap places with her, and suddenly hated the fact that they only had one phone between them.
A mother guiding a stroller pushed by him, apologizing to him swiftly even as he effortlessly moved out of her way. He watched as she turned around and used her back to push into the bathroom. It took her several seconds to align the large stroller and fully back herself into the room—an additional, larger child was wailing, yanking at her arm as the woman attempted to push past the door.
It gave him something to watch for a handful of seconds. But beyond the spectacle before him, he let his eyes wander into the large airport bathroom. Almost instantly his eyes found the sign across the room.
CAUTION: STAIRS AHEAD
In seconds, Jasper was moving. He felt like such a fool. Of course Bella didn’t want to eat. Of course she wanted Jasper to take her to the bathroom. Alice’s visions of Bella’s mother’s house and the old dance studio suddenly all made sense. The girl was making a break for it.
He was confident that she wouldn’t get far. She couldn’t. It had only been four and a half minutes since she’d entered the bathroom. There was no way she could’ve gotten very far. Not without tripping over her own two feet and injuring herself.
That thought caused Jasper to slow down, his run slightly more human-like now. It would be just his luck to be left in charge of Bella for twenty minutes and find her, bloodied up from an escape attempt.
It would be even worse if it didn’t end up simply being an attempt.
He caught her scent again on the second floor. He’d been running through the airport for almost two minutes and the second her scent crossed his path he was on her trail.
Unfortunately, the trail led directly out the door and toward the shuttle stop. No busses or vans (or Bella) in sight.
Shit, he thought to himself. Shit shit shit.
“Missed the shuttle by five minutes,” a middle aged man informed him, his voice far too chipper for Jasper’s liking. “Another one should be here in about fifteen minutes though. It’s not too—“
Jasper didn’t wait for the man to finish his conversational piece before he’d turned around and was making a beeline for Alice. He wondered if she saw Bella run. Maybe she was tracking the wayward girl already and they’d be able to stop her before heading wherever it was she was going. It was embarrassing enough that he’d lost the human. It would be asinine if Alice also had let her slip through her sight. There was no way.
Finally, exiting the stairwell onto the level where the arrivals emerged, Jasper’s feet skidded to a complete stop.
Without warning, panic erupted within him, and he was rushing forward again, only barely attempting to move at a human pace. He didn’t care that people were staring. He didn’t care about the fact that he’d lost the girl. He didn’t care about anything except the fact that Alice’s bag was sitting, all alone, on the chair he’d left her on.
And that James’ scent was everywhere.
Suddenly nothing else mattered. Not the human that got them into this mess. Not the charade that he’d been holding together for decades mainly for her. Nothing mattered except for the fact that James had been here, and now Alice was gone.
“Jasper!” It was Edward’s voice that called out to him across the room, momentarily pulling him out of his disbelief. There was no doubt that he’d also noted James’ scent. With the boy quickly approaching, Jasper turned to look at him. Maybe he’d jumped to conclusions too soon and Alice had went straight to the gate—no doubt she would find a way to do it. It was Alice, after all.
But the redhead was alone. He’d rushed ahead of both Carlisle and Emmett and was now barreling toward him. Looking every bit as panicked and confused as Jasper could feel off of him. And suddenly, Edward was the absolute last person Jasper wanted to see in that moment.
If you take another step closer, he thought loudly, pointedly, and angrily, this charade is as good as dead.
Edward stopped, eyes wide and taken aback by Jasper’s sudden mental declaration, and within seconds, Jasper watched as he flickered through Jasper’s volatile thoughts. As he reviewed the happenings of the last several minutes, his face fell, and then suddenly he adopted Jasper’s projected fury as his own.
“Where is Bella?” He snarled, his shaking hands clenching into fists as he took a few deliberate steps forward.
Baring his teeth, Jasper lunged.
Read on AO3 // FF.net
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umbureraakademi · 5 years
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Introductory Note About the AU & Other Chapters
-a/n start-
[Potential spoilers for anyone who hasn’t seen or finished TUA Netflix series but seriously how could you stop yourself from watching such a captivating show.]
Word Count: 1481
For those of  you who might actually be reading this or following my blog sorry I was out for a week. I had a family trip to South Korea and that country’s fucking beautiful I didn’t want to leave.
Anyway, still an emotional chapter as we get a little background on Monica.
-a/n end-
The Hargreeves Case
Chapter 9
The two just sat there in silence, Monica letting Diego’s story sink in as she subtly wiped a stray tear that escape from one of her eyes. Exhaling softly she looked at Diego before saying, “I… I don’t know what to say.”
There was a pause before Diego responded with, “You don’t have to say anything.”
Before she knew it her hand was reaching from across the table and found its way on top of Diego’s tightly clenched fist. He looked at her in surprise but as she did a soft caress the tension in his fist started to soften bit by bit. “I’m sorry… about Eudora… and I’m sorry for bringing it up…” Monica started to say. “I uhh… I lost someone too, back when I was in high school.”
Taking her hand away from Diego, she began her story, “Before I moved to New York my parents and I used to live in a small suburb in Michigan. My dad was a cop there, still is actually…” when Diego gave her a surprised look at finding out her dad was a cop she continued with, “Yeah, real shocker. Anyway. He was a Sergeant, to be specific, and he was good. But he was… too good, you know what I mean? He spent most of his time in the precinct than he did at home… so most of the time it was just me and my mom.”
“It was okay, you know. I had my mom, so I just got used to not having my dad around all the time. When I got to high school I always wanted to move and go to a university here for college, but I felt bad about leaving my mom behind so I considered just staying. But she convinced me to go, saying I shouldn’t let her stop me from achieving what I wanted.”
“But then on my graduating year at high school something happened to her. She started getting really sick. She would always have these stomach aches, she was tired all the time, she was losing weight, and when she’d go to the bathroom she never felt like she was relieved. When she told me she saw blood one time when she went to the bathroom, I took her to the doctor and… I couldn’t believe my ears.”
“She had Stage 4 colon cancer and… the doctors weren’t positive about her outlook but they said they would do their best to at least prolong her life a bit. I never fought so hard in my entire life to not breakdown and cry, but I had to for my mom. I just held her and told her everything was going to be alright. She just looked at me and smiled, saying whatever happens to her, she’d be happy as long as I was by her side.”
“And where was my dad during that time? Doing his usual shit at the precinct again. I don’t actually remember maybe he was out arresting someone but the point is he wasn’t there. I had to be strong for my mom all by myself. When he eventually got to the hospital while I was settling my mom into her room and I told him the news, he did actually look genuinely concerned, and he promised he’d be with me as much as possible to help me with mom.”
“But that never happened… it’s almost like he was at the precinct 24/7 while I rushed to the hospital everyday after school just to be with my mom. As long as she was at the hospital, I literally lived there as well. I slept, bathed, changed, ate, and left the hospital for school and came back like it was a normal routine. I was the one who helped her through her chemotherapy, I would tell her stories to keep her motivated. I gave up moving to New York, actually gave up on college in general so I could spend all my time with her.”
“But everyday… she just kept getting weaker and weaker. And the whole time she was at the hospital I never saw my dad once. When I asked her if he dropped by she wouldn’t answer, so I just assumed he was drowning himself in his work. One day I just snapped and instead of going to the hospital after school I stormed into my dad’s precinct. I found him talking to one of his detectives at his desk but I didn’t care if people were staring at me or if they kept telling me I shouldn’t be storming in there without permission.”
“I demanded him to spend more time with mom in the hospital, and that he should be ashamed that he’s just leaving his wife and his daughter alone like that. He was saying shit like how I wasn’t supposed to be just walking right up here or how we could talk somewhere else but I didn’t care. I wasn’t finished with all the nasty stuff I was yelling at him when I got a call from the hospital.”
“I felt my blood run cold when I heard what the doctor said on the other line. That my mom… she… she was in a critical condition.” at this Monica had to take a deep breath to compose herself. “My dad probably told from my expression and how I dashed out of the precinct faster than a cat chasing after a mouse. My dad caught up with me and we ended up taking his car to the hospital but we didn’t say anything on the way.”
“When we got there the doctors were already taking out the machines from her body and she… she wasn’t breathing. We were too late. All I remember then was me just screaming, bawling all the pent up emotions I tried to keep away so I could act strong for her. I could’ve just ignored my dad and went straight to the hospital, so at least when she passed she wasn’t alone and I could’ve held her hand. But I let my anger get the best of me and neither me nor my dad were there in her final moments.”
“I never spoke with my dad since. Not during her funeral or after. I just quietly grabbed my stuff from our house and left. No note. The time we started speaking again when I…” she stopped herself abruptly, as if she was trying to conceal something she shouldn’t divulge. “When I uhh… graduated. Apparently Jessie found a way to contact him so he would be there in my graduation. We didn’t speak much but had a silent agreement to maybe be civil. But I could never forgive him for not being there when it mattered.”
“Eventually I needed a job and that’s when he found out Uncle Gwilym needed an assistant and since he was so persistent that I take it… well, I guess you can say the rest is history.” Monica exhaled deeply as she looked at Diego with finality. “That’s why I hate cops. But my actual point here is… the people we love, they’re still with us and watching us. And the last thing they want to see is us being fucked up. You know what I mean?”
Diego contemplated in silence for a while. Usually when someone would give him that ‘she wouldn’t want to see you like this’ crap he’d snap at that person like he did with Chuck. But with Monica, in a way she knew where he was coming from, and the kind of pain he was dealing with.
Finally, he responded with, “Yeah… I guess I do…”
“Hey, you’re getting a good start after that Morgenthau case. No more grumpy, hungover detective and you’re working on more serious cases now instead of that pickpocket shit. Honestly, I get how pickpockets are crafty little fucks, but if you live in New York you gotta find some way to be less susceptible right?” Monica said, trying to shift the conversation away from this gloomy topic. “But then again, maybe those girl victims are doing it on purpose so they can cry in the arms of the handsome Detective Diego Hargreeves.” she said mockingly which made Diego snicker.
“So you admit I’m handsome?” he said with a smirk.
“What? Who said you were handsome I definitely didn’t say you were handsome.” Monica said, her cheeks flushing as her insult backfired and she was fumbling with her words. “My quesadilla is getting handsome… I mean cold.” she said, changing the topic as she started eating again.
A small smile plastered itself on Diego’s face before he too started eating again after leaving his burrito alone for a while. He never thought he would open himself up again like that after what happened with Eudora, but for some reason, it just felt… different with Monica.
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Boyfriend!Seokjin
Kim Seokjin ; fluff
jin deserves so much more love and i hope this’ll help you guys love him just as much as I do
Word count: 1762
I should just end myself now before i write this
Seokjin is my bias and i love him with my whole heart
I love all of bts with my whole heart but this idiot has a special place
Wow there’s just so much to talk about
Let’s start with the one thing that has been on my mind bc it’s cuffing season yall
C u d d l i n g
First off, you should already know about his shoulders
If you don’t then man are you missing out
Oh dear god they are so broad
And that makes it perfect for when you want to just backhug him
Because you can just lean your cheek against his back and then he’ll hold your hands and pull you tighter against him and then you’ll kiss his shoulder (if you can reach because i barely reach his shoulders whoops)
Or when you had a bad day and he sees it so he quietly moves closer to you as you’re sitting on the couch and pulls you against him, with your back laying against his chest and he rests his head on top of yours
He starts to play with your hands as they’re intertwined
Jin can just relax you without even trying, the stress just melts away as soon as he starts gently massaging your hands and humming quietly into your hair
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Everything’s great”
“Honey, I think your definition of great is a little off if you’re this upset”
He’s always warm whenever you hug him
It could be the middle of winter and he’s shivering, but whenever you come up and wrap your arms around him, he’s just warm and feels like home
When he spoons you, it’s one of the best feelings in the world
I have an obsession with his shoulders uGH
He can easily wrap his arms around you and tuck your head under his chin and he’s basically your personal blanket
Imagine coming home exhausted and once you take a shower, wash your face, brush your teeth and crash onto the bed, Jin comes under the blanket with you and starts spooning you
Legs are tangled together, arms holding you tight
All of a sudden sleep is washing over you and he softly hums a familiar melody and you try to steal a glance at his face because wow you truly are in love with an angel
Jin also smells like vanilla and he reminds you of a bakery because he’s warm and smells like cookies
Maybe i’m being influenced by the seasons right now but like cuddling with him sounds amazing
I feel like he’s the type to be into skinship
But not necessarily PDA
In public, he’ll try not to touch you as much because he feels like that’s something that should be private between the both of you
When you first start dating him, Jin will definitely be a gentleman in the sense that he’ll ask every time before he holds your hand or hugs you
Not saying that he’ll ever stop being a gentleman
Once you two hit the stage of being comfortable with each other, he’ll take your hand and hug you or lean his head on your shoulder freely
Kissing is a whole other situation
Literally has a mental breakdown before he’s actually kissed you
Stuck between being polite and not even asking in fear of making you uncomfortable
Or just going for it because wow your lips look really soft right now and he’s been staring at them really obviously 
‘They’re so pink and soft and y/n looks so pretty right now’
Isn’t really paying attention to what you’re saying and you can tell
Mainly because you ask him if you can cook for him one day and he absentmindedly agrees
But usually, when you do offer to cook, he makes a huge deal and gets all happy because “your cooking is so good i feel like an angel is feeding me”
Jin is so cheesy
I’ll get to that too
Back to the poor man’s mental breakdown
He eventually just gives in and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek at first
It was so random too, he was just sitting next to you on the couch with a hand around your shoulder and then he kissed your cheek
So you start to blush a little because it was so unexpected
“W-why’d you do that?”
“Why? Did you not like it?”
“I never said that! I-it was just unexpected…”
Your voice trailed off and you could clearly feel your face heating up so you looked away from Seokjin
Well this made you so much more adorable to him and he couldn’t help himself but give you another kiss, and another, and another
It just turns into him tickling you and kissing your face and you’re gasping for air between the laughs
These are the moments he cherishes so much, more than you’ll know
At that moment you forget everything that’s bothering you or making you upset and he forgets about all the stress he carries
All that matters is that very moment
It ends with you catching your breath, lying down on the couch while he rests his head on your chest with a bright smile on his face
Moving on, sadly
Seokjin is going to be such a cheesy boyfriend
If you aren’t really fond of that, then get ready because he’ll be sure to change your mind
Uses old-fashioned pet names for you
“Hi honey”
“Princess can you get that for me”
“Hey love, what’s wrong”
Like I said, I see him as more of a traditional person in terms of a relationship
So when you guys first start dating, he brings you flowers and always compliments you on something
I’m not saying he stops doing these things but it’s a bit surprising at first because c’mon who still is a romantic in this day and age?
That’s right, Seokjin is!
Seokjin is the type to bring you flowers after researching the meaning behind them instead of just buying roses
Still gets you roses after seeing an especially pretty bouquet in the window of a small florist
Never misses an opportunity to say a pick up line
“Do you have a band aid? Because I think I scraped my knee after falling for you”
“I think you should be arrested, because you just stole my heart”
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because I know it did when I came”
He never fails to make you smile
Ok time to indulge my inner romantic
Holding his hand is probably one of your favorite activities to do
And if it isn’t then you need to reevaluate yourself
Just kidding! I think my bias is showing hehe
~ Flashback to pre-dating era Jin ~
So you guys met in a math class a few years ago
He was the handsome, cheesy guy that sat next to you
And being the social butterfly he is, he started talking to you
Eventually Jin became a regular part of your life, and you looked forward to that class just to see him
One day, you had to measure hand sizes for a math project
This is based on a true event ;)
Although not with my crush :’)
He asked to measure your hand and you measured his
You guys finished a bit earlier than the rest so he brought up the difference in hand size between the two of you
*cue romantic cliche*
“Here, let’s see how much bigger my hand is”
He holds up his right hand and you align your right hand with his
“Woah, your hand is so small”
Jin is internally panicking because wow the cute partner that’s always interested him is now (sorta) holding his hand
Honestly he’s had interest in you for a while but now he had an excuse to talk to you and a full blown crush
He’s trying not to embarrass himself because your hand just fits with his and he finds it so cute
You, on the other hand, are blatantly showing your panicked state because his hand feels right in yours but also he is incredibly handsome and probably already has someone
That doesn’t stop your face from growing warm
Also does not help the crush you’ve been harboring for him ever since he made a dumb joke after the first few days of class
~ Ok flashforward to boyfriend!Jin ~
Regardless of the situation, he’s always there to talk to you and support you
Like once you had a really bad day
And I’m talking about waking up much later than your alarm, forgetting your notes at home, and getting caught in the rain without an umbrella
The whole world was against you
When you got home, all you wanted to do was take a hot shower, change in pajamas, and crawl under the covers
You were starting to tear up too, you were just so frustrated
Jin was already home and happened to be cooking something because he knew you’d be back soon and it had been a while since he made dinner for you
He could immediately tell something was wrong
Hearing the door slam without the cheery “Jin!” that usually followed sent off alarms in his head
Jin dried off his hands and headed to the entrance where you would be taking off your shoes
“Honey? Are you o- OH”
As soon as he turned the corner, you ran straight into his chest and his immediate reaction was to wrap his hands around you
His breath was knocked out of him - he was not prepared for that at all
You were still cold from the rain and he was warm and the hug was everything you needed
He held you like that for a few minutes, lightly swaying to his humming as his hands lightly rubbed comforting circles on your back
Jin pulled away slightly to brush the hair away from your face and his thumbs wiped away the stray tears that escaped
“Here, I’ll go start a warm bath for you and then we’ll eat dinner and cuddle for the rest of the night as we watch a Pixar movie. Sound good?”
“Can it be Disney?’
“Of course, anything for my princess”
Even though the world was against you, Jin was right by your side and you finally felt at home
You smiled for the first time that day and he grinned right back, starting to lead you to the bathroom
“I love you”
“I love you too, honey”
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he really has my heart and i’ve never loved someone this much before - call me over dramatic but my life has been brighter because of these seven boys and it makes me sad that there’s an uneven amt of love for the hyung line :( 
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writing-half-asleep · 5 years
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Anxiety
Say you’re young. A teenager. Everyone is either intended to be the kindest people in the world, the most judge-y in the world, or a painful fall down the middle of the two, holding out their love and respect for a certain kind of person. Say you’re a teenager whose brain is consistently going, always loud and static-y. Say you’re a teenager with a brain like mine who has to deal with the wishy-washy teenagers of the hallways and streets, the kindest and meanest and the most confusing people in my own world. Say you’re like me and you have no idea if anyone has ever actually truly cared about you.
My brain is at war with itself. Every action is questioned, every smile is picked apart. I’ve changed my hair so many times because I hope the change will appease the voices in my head, but it never seems to. It’s temporary happiness before everything washes over me in a tide of stale appeasement and empty smiles. That’s when the static rises.
That’s not to say I’m not happy. I’m very happy. I’m happy almost all of the time. It’s springtime, I go to a school I love, there are people I love! Maybe that makes this more difficult to deal with, but at least I’m not consistently depressed, right? But the voices in my head tear apart my friendships, my happiness, until I wonder if my happiness was just something I wanted so badly that I pretended for a while.
The voices in my head, they tell me things all the time. They tell me that my best friend hates me. Yes. Hates me, my best friend, who I know for a fact loves me just the same. Common sense has no room in my brain. The voices say that my biology teacher is done dealing with my low grades, that my family wants nothing to do with me. They tell me that I’ve deserved every horrible thing to happen to me because my toxic traits make everyone else miserable. They make every mildly inconvenient thing, a temporary heartbreak, a bad grade, seem so much bigger, something I’ll never recover from. My constant need for validation, my fear of not having my feelings (platonic or romantic or anything else) reciprocated, I’m told that these things will push everyone away. It’ll be my fault when I’m crying at 3 a.m. because my favourite person stopped talking to me. The most interesting—and perhaps the most horrible—part of all this is the fact that the voices in my head are my own voice, overlapping and varying in intensity. It’s like looking in a mirror and shouting abuse at yourself every single day. It’s like someone cloned you, and all the clones of you hate you and long to sabotage every possible relationship and friendship you could ever have. It’s like hating yourself with a strange, twisted intensity that you’ll never understand. I can’t be close to someone without doubting them once or twice. I can’t be in love or love someone in any way without my own voice saying that I’ll never be loved back. That I’m not worthy of being loved back. Nothing I ever do will ever be worth a paragraph of kind words, nothing I ever do will make my past mistakes better. When someone truly and completely loves me, I don't deserve it.
Then there are the panic attacks. Yeah. Those. The worst one I’ve encountered since the eighth grade was in December, and it happened to start in the middle of my mathematics midterm. I remember that feeling of my body hollowing out, my mind going, my breath hitching then speeding up. I remember the tears that ran coldly down my cheeks, the lack of feeling in my fingers, the shaking hands, and bouncing leg. The hyperventilating. I’d gulp down air then spit it out through my mouth, I’d swallow fear and breathe out pure and unadulterated panic. I closed my eyes and shook my head back and forth and tried to focus, but every problem seemed more and more complicated. Every face I saw when I looked up seemed terrifying, with black eyes and annoyed looks at the panicking girl with nowhere to go. When I got out, I waited for my friend in the hallway on bouncing toes. I needed someone, anyone, to hold me, to tell me it was going to be okay. I needed someone to calm me down, to help me get oxygen in. When she came out, I walked quietly. I did hand movements to stimulate my breathing, but every movement made me dizzy. I used the handrail to help me get down the staircase. I tried to explain but no words would come out beyond a tattered sentence of stammering and gasps, and I had choir practice. So I left. I almost walked straight into practice, where I could hear the synchronized voices singing a tune I barely seemed to recollect, but I barely made it to the wall of the hallway outside before my legs gave out. I sat curled up in a ball and tried to steady my breath. I must have sat out there for five minutes before I got the energy to stand up. When I got in, singing steadied me. Singing alone helped me get a breath in. And when we stopped, my brain immediately kicked up again. The dizziness and nausea and the fear came in waves. Everyone kept looking and looking at me and touching me and I had no room to shrink away, to run. Everything was so loud, everything was so terrifying.
The panic attack continued for almost the entirety of the forty minutes we had for lunch. After choir, I collapsed at the lunch table in a sobbing, hyperventilating mess. I tried to breathe, I tried to stop crying (that was more of an involuntary thing I noticed afterward), but nothing worked. My friend, a different one, grabbed my arm and took me outside. I eventually ended up laying down on the pavement and gasping in the cold air. All I could think of was the fact that I didn’t finish my math exam. My parents would be so disappointed in me, how dare I think it was okay, how dare I not finish, why couldn’t I have just tried harder?
I made it out of that situation okay. I still catch my breath when I think about it; when I think about how I just completely fell apart. I always wondered if the maths exam was what caused it or if it was just a catalyst after some built-up sadness and fear and anger all balled up into one perfectly-wrapped (with a bow) breakdown. Nothing has been as bad as that, but I can say that the hyperventilating gets more and more common these days. My most recent attack was yesterday. I collapsed in a heap in the hallway and the tears came. Everyone was looking at me and touching me and my hands were shaking so badly I couldn’t feel them. I covered my ears because I could hear people asking if I was okay, and they were all standing over me and they looked like they were going to grab me, so I shut my eyes. 
I had a momentary relief when my best friend showed up and hugged me as long as he could. He whispered quietly to me and murmured “you’re okay” until I relaxed. After he left I relapsed and ended up in the bathroom, shaking. I eventually dried my tears and was okay after that. 
But these attacks happen almost every week now. Sometimes they’re barely anything, other times I start crying and make sure to keep my head down so one sees. Sometimes they’re academically related, other times they’re a bit closer to home. If I make a joke and it’s taken in the wrong way even playfully, I completely fall apart. I shatter into a million pieces and then I’m put back together again only to wonder if it was better when I was just silent. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it saying anything at all. After all, when I only ever seem to say the wrong thing, why bother?
I’m human. I’m a teenage girl who’s gotten her heart broken, who’s dealt with unrequited crushes, who’s read books and watched movies about love and relationships so much that they’re all I think about sometimes. I hope by the time I get one of those, I won’t doubt every “I love you”. I hope, when I’m loved by someone, that I’ll believe them. I hope I love myself enough to love someone else without completely relying on them. To everyone I’ve ever loved, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I loved you so completely that it meant ignoring every issue of my own because I didn’t want you to notice I had them in the first place. I’m sorry I laid my love on you so intensely, I promise if I could do it again, I would try not to. For me, whatever this is always felt like a dealbreaker. If anyone ever found out about this, I’d never get the girl or guy I’ve always dreamed of. Because who would want to deal with this mess?
I was told by an adult once that they think I have anxiety, but no more than the girl down the street. I have to say, that’s incorrect—unless the girl living down the street has anxiety, then it’s a different story. All the same. This isn’t just getting stressed for a test. This isn’t just worrying a little. This is an unfortunate circumstance that I’m stuck with. Someone asked me what it was like, living with this. I’ll give it in the simplest words I can.
Living with this is like living with an old TV in your head, and it only has two channels. One is a cop show that analyses everything in your life and the only conclusion that’s ever reached is, “Nobody wants you around, the boy you are head over heels for will never feel the same way, nor will anyone else. Your family wishes you were more like your brother” and so on, so forth. The other produces a noise that increases in volume with every word you hear, every touch you feel. Living with this is living knowing that nothing will ever be silent until you go emotionally numb (which has happened to me once or twice). And if you’ve experienced this before, I hope to god that you’re getting the help you need. We all need a little bit of that.
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thatonegirljessy99 · 5 years
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Longing to Feel Love (7)
As BTS become more popular, your relationship with Yoongi is taking a hit to the point where you begin to feel alone even when he is in the room. What will it take for him to say enough is enough and open up to you.
Pairing: Y/N x Yoongi
Extras in this: Shin, BTS
Word count: 3,208
Warnings: Death, nervous breakdown, slight malnurishment  
A/N: Just please remember I love all of you ^-^
Five months. Five months since you had been in Japan with your best friends at a beautiful restaurant for your birthday dinner. Five months since you woke up to almost thirty missed calls from your ex and a couple dozen text. Five months since you got a new phone, since you took all his things and placed them in his friends' dorms. Five miserable months of you missing Yoongi.
“You’re doing it again,” Shin’s voice called you out of your trance, shutting off the screen on your watch quickly before looking up at him.
Shin was walking into the living room with a tea tray, which you received from him and placed on his coffee table in the middle of the living room at his house. You had both finished your homework the day before so you both took this chance to relax at his house, watching your favorite movie while drinking tea and talking about literally everything. In all honestey, Shin couldn’t have cared less for the tea, but he knew it was something you liked so he always sucked it up and had a few cup of tea with you every once in a while.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you scoffed starting to serve the tea, Shins cup not being filled even half way. You knew better, Shin always took too long to drink it anyways.
“Mhm, right. Just play the movie so I have something to watch while you stare off at your watch,” he chuckled before taking a slow sip of the tea and looking at the TV as you pushed play on your phone so the movie would start streaming.
This wasn’t the first time you were caught red handed. Shin would find you staring at your watch, completely in a trace as you looked at an old picture of you and Yoongi. Most of the time it was your picture you had taken of you two cuddling in bed on night after he had come home from work and insisted on cuddling in bed. You were still in your pink sweater whole he hid his face in your neck, his bright mint hair all messed up from him rubbing his face into your neck. You can’t even remember how you were able to get him to peek out of your neck. His eyes were looking up at the camera making them look big and puppy like.
But looking over at Shin you couldn’t help but smile and move to sit next to him so your head was leaving against his shoulder. He got it. You knew he knew how you felt and he didn't hold it against you.
You had gotten to leave work early today so you decided to head straight to Shin's place. By now he had given you a spare key so you were able to walk in only to hear a loud thud come from the kitchen. It didn’t take you more than two seconds to toss your work bag onto the couch as you ran to the kitchen to find your friend on the floor sobbing into his hands as something began to burn on the stove.
“I can't get it! Fifth time and I still can't get it right!”
Turning off the stove first, you took the small pot off the stove, then you kneeled down to his level and pull Shin into your arms before feeling him grip onto your sweater as you began to rub his back trying to calm him down.
“Hey, hey… it's okay Shin. What’s wrong,” you asked a bit softly, not sure if he would even answer you or what you were dealing with.
“Her curry, she always made it from scratch and I can’t get it right. It all just comes out terrible or burnt or.. Or,” he began to sob again.
“Shhh it’s okay Shin. Why don’t you go clean yourself off and take a nap. You’re stressing out too much. Take a nap and I’ll cook up something for you to eat and then I’ll wake you up. Okay?” You whispered into his hair, only receiving a small nod before you helped him up. You walked him to his bathroom, where he told you he could take it from there and he would be taking a shower before taking a nap.
Once you heard the shower begin to run, you began looking around at the small mess your friend had made and sighed as you began to clean it up. You left out the ingredients you needed for the curry you were about to make and put the extra things away or tossed out what no longer worked. Along with the curry you made white rice and breaded chicken. Once everything was ready and the kitchen was back to the way it normally was, dishes drying on the rack and the counter cleared, food still on the stove as you let them cool off a little before you served it and placed the plates on the table.
“Oppa... wake up Shin, the food is ready,” you whispered gently shaking Shin’s shoulder to wake him up.
Once he was awake he barely spoke for the rest of the day. His expression seemed blank, even when he was eating. You didn’t question him and just stuck around the rest of the day to make sure he was okay.
It wasn’t till later that night, after coming out of the bathroom, you saw him staring at a picture with tears running down his face. You walked over to where he was sitting on the couch and sat down next to him to see what he was looking at.
It was a picture of him sitting next to a girl in a hospital bed. Even though she had a black beanie with cat ears covering her head you could tell she had no hair, you could also see the dark circles around her eyes, and I.V. connected to her arm. But her smile, it was so bright, so beautiful that it almost made you miss all those details. Even though her body looked frail and exhausted, she such a distracting smile that you wouldn’t help but smile back at her.
“That hat... it came with knitted mittens... you know the kind that you can take the top part that covers the fingers off so they became finger-less gloves. And they had pink buttons to hold that finger part back, But because she always had that thing on the finger to monitor her and sometimes her skin was really sensitive on her hand, she wasn’t allowed to wear them. Just the hat,” he chuckled, never looking up from the picture.
“Shin, who is she?” you asked seeing how they leaned closer to each other for the picture.
“May... my older sister... she was always the brave one of us... she was so brave,” he sniffled handing the picture to you before wiping his tears away,” she um... she was really sick those last few years... But she was still so brave.”
“What did she have?” you asked already expecting the answer. It was a bit obvious to you because you had seen your best friends' mom like this in middle school.
“Acute promyelocytic leukemia,” his voice barely above a whisper,” she was in and out of the hospitals for the last 3 years of her life. She had to miss her graduation that first year, but she pretended she didn’t care but we still held a whole graduation ceremony for her in her room.”
You watched as he began to chuckle at his memory of her, his eyes sparkling both with joy and sadness as he spoke of her.
“And the curry?”
“Her comfort food for me whenever I was sad... She always bad it from scratch and she tried to teach it to me but I can never get it... it was the best... I try to make it every year around this time,” he sighed running a hand though his hair and bit his lip before looking down at his hands,” especially today... It’s been 5 years since the last time I saw her smile. You know, my parents and little brother were in the room when she passed away. I was the last one she talked to though. She knew, she could feel it I guess... because she held my hand and looked at me with that smile that would make anyone agree to anything she had to say. But she looked at me and she was like ‘it’s your turn to be the big brother. Take care of Yoojin and make sure he does his homework. Do for him what I did for you and stop being stupid. Stop trying to be on the field. Make sure you stay on the pitcher's mound and you’ll be fine.’ Her last words for me was advice on my game. She always worried about me first.”
“She sounds like an amazing sister.”
A small smile appeared on his face as he looked you over and then looked down at the picture you still had in your hands.
“You remember how I said I liked you,” he chuckled as if he was finally making a connection he has been missing,” I think I liked how much you remind me of May.”
Looking at Shin you laughed, putting the picture down and hugging him tightly making him freeze before his smile widened and hugged you back tightly.
The movie was half way though, but it wasn’t until Shin put his hand on your watch that you realized you had been staring at a picture of Yoongi for the last forty-five minutes. He didn’t say anything, just gave you a sympathetic look. He knew you were too proud to admit you missed your ex, no matter how much this five month bullshit tore you from the inside out.
“I’m okay. I think maybe we should go to sleep though,” you smiled sheepishly, not minding it was only seven in the afternoon.
With a nod, Shin got up to go grab some blankets from his room to bring them out for the two of you to sleep in the living room. Once the lights were out, you laid on the floor quietly as you started up at the ceiling before looking over at Shin who was clearly doing the same.
“Is it bad that I miss him?”  
Your voice was so soft that it made Shin smile as he waved at you to join him on the couch where he wrapped his arms around you as you snuggled up close to him.
“Do you think it’s bad that you miss him?” he cooed scratching your back gently.
“I don’t know. It really hurt when he said those things,” you sigh resting your head against his chest in frustration.
“But he was drunk.”
“People say the truth when they get drunk.”
“Or they let off steam. Think about it Y/N, he was drunk, in a different country. He wasn’t expecting you to come in, he was just talking shit with the rest of the guys. Have you ever wondered what was going on in his mind since he, well both of you, blew up. I mean I am probably a bit of an outsider but that seems like it’s a lot of stress for anyone our age,” he chuckled softly kissing the top of your head softly,” just try to get some sleep and remember that there are two sides to every story.”
Nodding, you let out a long yawn knowing it was time to let yourself rest before you overthought everything else in your life.
“I’m sick of this shit and I’m not dealing with his crap anymore!”
“Oppa... calm-”
“Don’t tell us to calm down woman! You're not the one having to deal with this shit!” Hoseok pointed a finger at you making your hands go up, hoping he would get that you weren’t trying to attack him.
You had gotten home this morning after Shin and you had breakfast before he had to leave for baseball practice. Once you got home you started doing some chores and laundry to busy your mind for a bit, not wanting to think about last night for a while. Then when you were done you got to lay down on the couch for a solid 5 minutes before the door slammed open with a few very angry and frustrated boys barging into your quiet home.
“You do know that this is not why I gave you guys a copy of my house key. It’s for an emergency or if any of you get locked out,” you sighed rubbing your face with your hands.
“Y/A, you don’t get it. He won’t listen to any of us. Sure he’s working harder than he usually does but-” Hoseok began but ran his hand through his hair as he let out a frustrated groan.
“He was the one who wrote Tear,” Namjoon spoke up from his spot across the living room where he had been leaning against the wall.
'’He’s miserable, and he is making us all miserable,” Taehyung practically growled as he took a seat next to you on the couch.
“He’s worse than the usual grumpy cat he normally is,” Jimin chimed in, pacing the room.
You looked around at the boys that had now invaded your home before noticing something.
“Namjoon... where is J-”
You were interrupted by the front door opening again with Jungkook coming in followed by the last person you had expected.
“You two are going to talk. Now. I’m tired of seeing you sad noona and seeing him look like his soul got sucked out and if that means having you work shit out with this asshole so be it,” Jungkook spat before giving a side look to Yoongi who walked straight to your shared room without looking at anyone.
“How would you know if I'm mis-”
“Shin.”
That traitor...
“Look, you know we all love you like a sister, but he is still like a brother to us. And I know firsthand that he has been trying his damn hardest to figure out how to say he’s sorry and show he means it. But he is Yoongi and you know how hard it can be for him to show his true emotions at times. Especially with you because of how much he cares about you,” Jimin said walking toward you and crouching in front of you so he could look at your face as he spoke,” please, just talk to him. I want you to hear from him what he has already told me.”
Looking at all the boys in the room you, your eyes finally landed on Jungkook who came over to you, Jimin moving out of the way as Jungkook took your hand and helped you onto your feet.
“I just want to see you happy again noona... Both of you. And you know that I hate him for what he put you through but he’s still my friends and I want to see you both go back to normal...” Jungkook smiled at you softly.
He wasn’t wrong. You were still hurting inside, you had just learned to ignore that pain. So all you could do was nod before walking to your bedroom and walking in slowly, a small sigh of relief being heard from the boys as you closed the door behind you and stepped into the dim room.
Even though you couldn’t see much do to how dark your room was, you could tell that the sweater that Yoongi had on was a bit looser than usual. You took a seat next to him, looking down at his hands that kept on clenching and unclenching as he kept waiting for something to  happen. Or maybe that was just you waiting for something to happen, anything.
“I’m sorry... I was a total ass and I’m sorry.”
“You just-”
“Said what I meant? No, I didn’t. But I don’t think I change your mind. You always said drunks were just honest adults,” he scoffed sadly.
“I know what I said Suga. But I care about you have to say. Did you mean it? Like any of it at all?” you asked looking over at him before gently pulling the hood down before putting a hand on his cheek to force him to turn to look at you.
He had more bags under his eyes than he usually did, his eyes being a bit bloodshot, not that anyone who didn’t know him like you and the boys would notice. It was all the small details you had gotten used to seeing on him but now that there was something different in their place it stuck out to you like a sore thumb.
“Do you miss me?” he asked softly looking at you, a small smile appearing on both of your faces before a small laugh escaped from your lips. Then after a moment he placed his hand on yours and moving it onto his lap so he could hold it in both of his cold hands,” I didn’t mean it. Of course I didn’t mean it. But I have seen how  other idols have suffered because of their fans, along with their loved ones suffering because of the fans. I get very scared that someday things will get too much if I let you in and that you will walk away once you’re over it. But I guess I just ended up pushing you away didn’t I...”
“You’re an ass...”
“We already said that.”
“No you said it, now I’m just agreeing with you.”
“Well aren’t you just a bitch,” he chuckled before looking down at his hands that were holding yours still. He wasn’t’ exactly sure what to do or where this left the both of you but you knew that you didn’t want him to leave again.
It took you only a second to think about it before you moved closer to him before you wrapped your arms around his neck and hid your face in the crook of it. It was so sudden that Yoongi was slightly taken aback before he pulled you onto his lap and held you close to him, his face hidden in your hair. There were no tear but both of you had missed the feeling of having the other one close that you just needed this.
After a few moments of silence Yoongi finally pulled away from, barely, to look at you with a soft smile as he pulled you closer, making you look at him, before spoke.
“So am I supposed to let go of you after this?”
“Yeah... you should probably go home... to the dorm. I really don’t want you to leave but I think we can both agree that we shouldn’t move too fast. I also really want to see you try,” you sighed pulling back as you ran your hands over his shoulders before cupping his face and smiling softly at you guy you knew could argue his way into staying here with you,” Make me fall in love with that guy from the auditions.”
AND SCENE! SORRY NOT SORRY! I know that I take forever to write these, but I really want to add some back story for the next part about how you and Yoongi met and I promise you will love me after you hate me for this cliff hanger!
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