#i struggled to remember the name of 8 stray kids members

[staynoonaz9290]

Temptation - S2 (Ch. 9)

Where Maddie and Lila are back six months later, still managers of Stray Kids, navigating the world of incubi, and worse… Dealing with unexpected feelings

Group: Stray Kids

Pairing: Each SKZ Member/Fem! Reader (Third Person-Lila and Maddie)

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings: Sexual Content (a LOT of sexual content-please don't read if this makes you uncomfortable), Sex with multiple members (at separate times), Sex-to-survive (Incubi/Succubi), Desperation, Oral Sex (M-Given/F-Given), Fingering, Language, Supernatural Love, Excessive Drinking, Crack Fic, Age Difference, Slight OOC, Slight Angst, Love Triangle

Word Count: 4,082

Main Masterlist | Stray Kids Masterlist

COMPLETE

8 | 9 | 10

Maddie and Lila sat side by side in Maddie’s room, back against the headboard, something mindless on TV as they shared a bag of salt and vinegar chips, talking about just two nights ago in Busan.

“I didn’t expect Changbin to be so…” Lila trailed off, her cheeks dusting pink.

“Sexually appealing?” Maddie suggested with a grin. “Yeah. Neither did I when we hooked up.”

They giggled, taking turns grabbing more chips as Lila sighed.

“I guess he’s an incubus so we shouldn’t be surprised. And, I mean, when you look at him-”

“Right; he’s obviously hot,” Maddie nodded quickly in agreement. “But it’s just… he’s Changbin, you know?”

She knew her best friend’s struggle all too well; she remembered how surprised she’d been, having to help Changbin in that closet all those months ago.

His hands pulling hard on her hair, the way his body felt so nice beneath her fingers, the hotness as he whispered her name-

“Oh- gross-”

Maddie shook her head violently, Lila turning to her in slight surprise.

“We’ve gotta talk about something else,” she smacked a hand to her forehead. “Basically, Changbin was hot and it’s surprising, and be prepared for it to haunt you for the rest of your life-”

“I’ll never look at him the same,” Lila giggled.

“You really won’t,” she agreed before throwing a chip into her mouth.

“Well it seemed to help, because they all killed it on stage that night,” the younger continued. “Literally everyone. That was one of my favorite stages they’ve done so far.”

“Mine, too!”

“And I think whatever you did for Felix really has been helping,” Lila added, grinning a little. “He did so well.”

“Yeah,” Maddie was giggling, eyes darting from hers. “He really did.”

She thought of Felix for a moment, and how much happier he’d seemed since their night of baking together.

Maddie smiled to herself; that’s all she'd really wanted to do…

Help Felix.

When she glanced at her best friend again, the girl was checking her phone, eating another chip as she texted someone back.

Maddie felt slightly guilty, not telling Lila the entire truth about what went down with Felix that night in the kitchen, but she’d decided the information wasn’t really necessary.

Not only had Felix so clearly not wanted Lila to know he had feelings for her, but Maddie also didn’t see how Lila knowing this information would be helpful.

Her best friend’s heart was clearly set on Chan, and telling her would do nothing but make Lila feel guilty, something Maddie knew she and Felix both didn’t want.

Felix looked like he was trying to move forward- seemed happier in more ways than one- and Maddie thought for now, what Lila didn’t know wouldn’t kill her.

If the girl ever specifically asked, then she would of course, tell the truth.

“Anyway-”

She broke the temporary silence just as Lila was locking her phone.

“-they really did kill it the other night. I’m so proud of them.”

Lila nodded in agreement, but this time, the smile faded from her face a little as she fidgeted with her fingers, Maddie’s eyebrows furrowing.

“What?” she asked, turning towards her.

“I don’t know if Chan was too happy,” she admitted quietly.

“Oh…” Maddie trailed off as she thought back to that night. “I definitely noticed he was a little… irritated. But I thought it was just stress.”

“Was he stressed before we got there?” Lila asked.

“I mean… kind of…”

She remembered how Chan had been before Lila and Changbin had arrived; worried but keeping it together, insisting he stay behind and help Maddie no matter how many times she told him she’d be fine, knowing he had so much to do behind the scenes…

She remembered seeing how often he checked his phone, checked the clock on the wall, glanced at the door, clearly worried about Lila and Changbin; not only that they’d make it there on time, but also safely-

And then when they’d finally arrived and Maddie had joined them, she’d seen the slight relief on Chan’s face, the way he smiled lovingly at Lila- so very different than the way he smiled at everyone else- and she’d thought the man was okay…

So it’d surprised her when Chan had met them on stage just ten minutes later, looking stressed, biting his lip, rubbing his eyes as if tired, a little quieter than usual.

“Did something happen?” Maddie asked, watching Lila fiddle with the ends of her hair, green eyes meeting Maddie’s.

“I saw it again,” she said quietly. “The red in his eyes.”

Maddie stared at her for a moment, somewhat surprised.

“Maybe he’s going rogue,” she joked.

And Lila smiled, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.

“Shut up,” she said with a laugh. “I think… I don’t know, I think Chan was angry when he found out I was the one who helped Changbin before the show.”

Oh.

Well, Maddie couldn’t say she was too surprised.

“I mean, it makes sense,” she admitted gently. “He’s obviously head over heels for you, bestie. And it’s no man’s dream to hear his girl is hooking up with other dudes-”

“We’re not,” Lila argued indignantly. “I wasn’t hooking up with Changbin, I was helping him. It’s my job…”

“Believe me, I get it,” Maddie backtracked a little, realizing her wording wasn’t the best. “This whole situation is just…”

She trailed off, sighing a little as they looked at one another.

“Maybe you guys should talk about it,” she suggested lightly. “He doesn’t really have a right to get upset with you if he’s not telling you what’s going on. But also, if you’re noticing all this eye color stuff, it might be best for you to… you know. Tell him.”

Lila nodded, and Maddie watched her mull over the words for a moment, quietly pressing her lips together.

“You’re right,” she finally said. “I’ll talk to him soon.”

Maddie smiled, reaching into the bag of chips again as Lila turned a bit, raising an eyebrow.

“So, enough about me…” she began slowly.

This was never good; it almost always meant Lila was about to say something serious.

“What’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

But Maddie already knew where this was going-

“With Jeongin… and Hyunjin.”

Her stomach flipped automatically, and she shifted the chips in her hand for something to do, avoiding Lila’s eyes.

“You mean like… us spending time together?”

“Yes.”

And while Lila didn’t say anything else, she didn’t have to, Maddie knowing exactly what she was asking.

Why are we spending time together?

“Well, I… I like hanging out with Jeongin a lot,” Maddie said softly.

“As… more than friends?”

Lila was asking all the tough questions, but her voice was quiet and understanding, Maddie turning to her, not all the way knowing the answer...

“I mean…” she trailed off. “He’s super fun to be with and when he smiles at me, it makes me kind of… giddy? I guess-”

“Yeah, I don’t know how you survive that, bestie,” Lila teased, giggling. “His smile is killer.”

“It is, and…”

Maddie was biting her bottom lip, thinking of all the times they’d spent together lately.

“We talk a lot- mainly me, honestly- and he’s super sweet… much nicer than I am, and he’s always so patient and calm…”

She smiled.

“We have fun together.”

“You have to keep it on your head-”

“What?”

Maddie was giggling and a little drunk, sitting side by side with Jeongin on the living room floor, the two of them playing a board game she’d never heard of.

“The name-” Jeongin pointed to the card in her hand, speaking between laughs. “It has to be stuck on your head so you can’t see it-”

“How?”

Before Jeongin could answer, she was attempting to press the card into the skin of her forehead, letting go and watching as the paper fluttered to the floor.

He pulled a red plastic circle from the box, laughing too hard to speak for a moment, Maddie realizing what he was holding-

“You have to wear the headband-”

Maddie remembered that night so clearly, happening just weeks after the guys had come back from Christmas break.

How much they’d laughed, in such goofy moods they’d hardly made it through two rounds of any of the games they’d picked out.

And they’d only continued to hang out from there…

“Basically, they’re best friends, but they kiss because they want to practice.”

Maddie was pacing back and forth in the kitchen, Jeongin sitting at the table, drinking iced tea and listening as she talked about the newest novel she’d started working on.

It was a warm summer day; the windows were open and the fan was on, the smell of outside refreshing despite the heat.

She’d been talking for a while, almost an hour now, but Jeongin was still there without complaint, smiling softly.

He’d asked to hang out with her hours ago, and she wasn’t sure what he’d wanted, but she was sure it wasn’t this.

Nevertheless, there he was, handsome and moving some dark hair out of his eyes, letting her go on and on.

“That’s not weird, right?”

Maddie was rambling, she knew, but she wanted to make sure it all made sense-

“I mean, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud, but there’s a whole trail of events that lead up to it, and they also have feelings for each other and just don’t know it…”

“I don’t think it sounds stupid,” Jeongin told her quietly. “It sounds interesting.”

“Thank you,” she smiled warmly at him, pacing once more as she started swinging her arms. “So, anyway, so they kiss each other, right? And nothing has ever been the same since-”

Maddie remembered that day, too.

How she’d been in the middle of writing a little novel; an idea she’d had for a while and had just recently started to work on.

She wasn’t sure how, but she’d ended up telling Jeongin the entire story- from the very beginning to the very end- and he’d listened to every bit of it, never complaining or trying to veer her attention away…

Knowing how much she needed to talk it out.

“Does this look okay?” 

Maddie was hurrying toward Jeongin, pointing at her latest sad attempt at a messy bun, watching his face.

But Jeongin just laughed, reaching out to fix some pieces of her bangs, his touch against her face leaving a light, tingling sensation upon her skin.

“It looks fine,” he said, smiling gently at her.

“Thanks,” Maddie laughed a little, a small stutter in her chest. “You’re the best.”

It was only a week ago that he’d done that, and remembering the way his eyes had moved up and down her face had her stomach flipping even now, Maddie shaking her head a bit.

“Jeongin’s just…” she didn’t know how else to say it. “Like, perfect.”

She laughed to herself.

“I would be concerned about age, but I guess that ship has sailed.”

Honestly; Maddie missed when that was her biggest issue.

Lila giggled loudly, taking a bite of her chip before raising an eyebrow at her.

“So what about Hyunjin?”

And Maddie knew this question was coming, but it didn’t make it any easier to answer, her eyes darting from Lila’s again as she swallowed hard.

“Well, for one, he annoys the crap out of me-”

“Yes, we all know this,” Lila quipped, making Maddie giggle.

“But you know. Hyunjin’s funny. And I…”

She shrugged.

“I like spending time with him, too.”

Maddie was laying on her bed, waiting for Hyunjin to meet her in her bedroom, knowing the man was coming back from recording his solo dance video- Play With Fire- and had asked if they could hang out.

When he opened the door, she was right in the middle of a chapter of her book, only looking at him for a moment before her eyes were back on the page, knowing if she looked too long, Hyunjin would distract her.

“I’ve gotta finish this chapter,” she said, seeing him walk to the other side of her bed in her peripheral vision. “Sorry-”

“It’s fine-”

He flopped down so dramatically, the entire mattress shook, Maddie giggling before he was rolling onto his side, chin resting on her arm.

“Is the book good?”

But when she glanced over at him, there was something black in his hair, and Maddie was jumping back with a quick yelp, losing her balance and toppling over the edge of the bed.

She could hear Hyunjin’s hysterical laughter from above, Maddie rubbing her arms as she sat up quickly, the man scooting to the edge of the mattress-

“There’s a bug!”

It was the first thing she’d thought, but when her eyes darted to his head again, she realized it was a black ribbon, Hyunjin’s face buried into the pillow as he continued laughing-

And then she started giggling too, realizing how funny she must’ve looked, flying off the bed, laying on the floor now, the sheets caught on her ankles.

He finally lifted up, holding his hand out to help her off the floor before pointing to his head.

“It’s a hair ribbon.”

She couldn’t help but laugh under her breath, remembering how Hyunjin had pulled her back onto the bed, the two of them laughing all over again, so hard they couldn’t breathe, Maddie begging him to take the ribbon out and throw it away so they could stop giggling.

She remembered him dangling it over her face, Maddie swatting it out of his hand and throwing it away herself, Hyunjin still laughing when she came back across the room.

They were always teasing each other like that.

Maddie sat close to Hyunjin in his bed, both still shirtless from the sex they’d had earlier, her bare arm pressed against his own as his laptop sat on his legs, their drama playing quietly.

She’d come by for some late night fun- something to ease her mind after such a stressful week- and Maddie should’ve left hours ago.

But Hyunjin had convinced her to stay again, reminding her there were only three episodes left of the drama he’d roped her into watching, and now they were on the last one, Maddie completely engrossed in the story, comfortable against him.

The finale was sad- heart-wrenching, really- not at all the ending she’d been expecting, and Maddie was surprised by the tears welling in her eyes, blinking fiercely.

She used the blanket around both of them to dab at her cheeks, and when Hyunjin turned to her- hair still sticking up in all directions- his eyes were a little glassy as well.

“Are you crying?” she teased, voice thick with her own tears.

“No-”

He sniffled, both of them laughing.

“I’m gonna tell everyone.”

Hyunjin sniffled again, smirking as he pushed his arm against her own.

“Go ahead,” he said with a shrug, turning back to the screen. “You were crying, too.”

Maddie grinned again, remembering how long they’d stayed up, discussing how much the ending sucked. She’d fallen asleep right in the middle of him talking, something he didn’t stop teasing her about the next morning, or even the next few days after…

“You look pretty smiley,” Lila remarked with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Maddie was laughing before she could help it, shaking her head with a heavy sigh.

“So, if Hyunjin is funny and you like spending time with him,” Lila began slowly. “Then why does he annoy the crap out of you?”

She looked away from Lila again, exhaling with a huff.

“He just-”

But how did she explain?

Hyunjin held the remote above his head just as Maddie was about to swipe it from him, smiling smugly at her.

“My hotel room, my choice of TV show-”

They were on a three day trip with the group in Thailand, and he’d asked her to come to his room for the night, the two of them having hooked up just a few hours ago.

Maddie was tired of whatever RomCom movie he had on, wanting to watch something else, but when she’d tried to change the channel, he’d gotten the remote before she could.

“How come that rule doesn’t apply when it’s my hotel room?” Maddie complained, making a swipe for the remote again and failing.

“Because we never stay in your hotel room.”

Hyunjin was taking great pleasure in teasing her, and Maddie was annoyed with him, sitting up more completely and grabbing for the remote for the third time.

He laughed, dodging away and losing his balance, falling to the mattress. Maddie fell with him, giggling despite herself, catching the fall with her palms, and landing on top of him.

Then she was frozen, her face so close to his, eyes wandering down every feature, stomach in knots. 

And Hyunjin was looking at her as well- for a moment, seeming almost as captivated as she’d been- before he was smirking a little, a small flicker of purple in his eyes.

“This would be a lot easier if you’d just let me have the remote, Maddie.”

She rolled her eyes, remembering how he’d won.

How that stupid movie had been on all night and- even worse- Maddie had gotten into it, staying in his room to watch until the end…

Hyunjin just had a knack for always getting his way.

“We’re all set.”

Maddie looked up from her phone at the sound of Hyunjin’s voice, her eyes wide.

She’d been sitting on the cold stone bench at the subway station, desperately looking for a way to get all eight of them to Busan before 7:00 pm-

But she watched as he took a stack of tickets from behind him, fanning them out with a smug grin on his perfect face.

“What?” Changbin was shocked, getting closer to take a look. “But how did you get them?”

“I convinced her to let me buy them,” Hyunjin said with a shrug. “They were the last ones left for this subway.”

“Oh my god-”

Maddie was just so relieved, the words slipping from her lips before she could help it.

She really thought she’d just ruined everything when she’d messed up those tickets…

Standing from the bench, their eyes locked for a moment, and then-

“Thank you!”

She wrapped her arms around him in a spontaneous embrace.

Hyunjin chuckled close to her ear, hugging her back as Maddie’s cheek dropped to his shoulder on instinct.

“It wasn’t that hard,” he muttered. “I just asked if we could buy them so they wouldn’t lose money on unsold tickets-”

Maddie remembered when he’d said that so casually- like it was the easiest thing in the world to just charm the pants off of everyone- and how he’d made it sound like she should’ve done it, too…

How he’d told her he just knew how to talk to people and it wasn’t because he was so incredibly good-looking, no matter how many times throughout that subway ride she'd told him otherwise…

As usual, Hyunjin always thought he was right.

“I’m telling you, the guy from Reply 1997 was in Infinite.”

Maddie was indignant, making grilled cheese in the kitchen as Hyunjin leaned against the counter, shaking his head.

“No,” Hyunjin was already taking his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. “It was Block B.”

“Block B?” Maddie’s eyebrows furrowed, and she quickly checked the bread of her sandwich, making sure it wasn’t burning. “No- it’s definitely infinite. Woohyun!”

Hyunjin was concentrated, still typing on his phone as she turned around to look at him.

His face fell a little when he stopped scrolling.

“Okay, you’re right,” he said with a sigh. “It is Infinite…”

“Ha! See? You don’t know everything like you think you do!”

She was teasing of course, but Hyunjin had been arguing pretty fiercely with her about it-

“Yeah?”

He was suddenly smirking, turning his phone around so she could see, shaking it a little.

“Well, you don’t know as much as you think you do either, Maddie. His name is Hoya. Not Woohyun.”

She shook her head, remembering how annoyingly smug he’d been about that.

How she’d told him messing up the name wasn’t as bad as messing up the group, and they’d gotten so into that debate, she’d ended up burning her grilled cheese after all-

“He’s just so full of himself.”

Maddie finally found the words she was looking for, stuffing three chips in her mouth and chewing them fiercely, Lila laughing beside her.

“Bestie, I hate to break it to you, but he’s always been full of himself.”

Maddie swallowed quickly.

“And now you see my dilemma.”

“So you do have a dilemma.”

“Wha-”

“I thought there was no dilemma with Hyunjin. That you guys were just hanging out for stress relief.”

Maddie had walked right into this one, her mouth snapping closed.

They were just hanging out for stress relief.

Or…

Well.

She couldn’t help but think about it; how many times they’d been in one another’s bedrooms, hidden in closets, locked themselves up in bathrooms…

Kissing, yes; Touching, yes; Having sex, yes.

But also talking about their days, getting into shows, sometimes just reading webtoons together after a hookup, barely speaking, but so very comfortable together…

Was Maddie always stressed out every time she came to see him?

Was Hyunjin always worn out and in need of a feed every time he saw her?

Everyone was getting out of the car, Maddie lingering behind to finish an email to BamBam, telling the rest that she’d meet them inside.

Hyunjin had lingered behind too, saying something about needing to call his parents, and yet he hadn’t made any calls, Maddie glancing up when she was done with her email, raising her eyebrows at him.

“I thought you were calling your mom.”

But he just smiled- the softer, one-sided one she got sometimes from him, her heart skipping a beat in her chest- and then he was leaning forward, pressing his lips against hers.

An immediate heat was spreading across her cheeks, Maddie’s eyes slipping closed automatically, heart pounding against the walls of her chest, Hyunjin’s hand sliding casually up her side.

When they broke for air she was pulling back to look at him, feeling surprised.

“What was that for?”

But he just grinned playfully, leaning close again, lips centimeters from her own.

“I just wanted to.”

Maddie didn’t have time to ask what that meant, Hyunjin already kissing her again, hand running further up her shirt.

And when their lips moved together, there was a certain feeling to it Maddie couldn’t explain; her head going fuzzy, throat tight, air caught in her lungs. 

Her fingers threaded through his hair and Hyunjin’s breath hitched, sending a spark through her system-

“Maybe we should just stay out here for a minute.”

His words were breathy and whispered in the little space between them, Maddie wrapping her arms around his neck as she smiled.

“So basically you just want me to yourself.”

She was mostly joking, and he laughed softly, his hot breath against her mouth almost more than she could take-

“Yeah sure,” he muttered, already coming to kiss her again, fingers now curling a bit, holding her waist in the best of ways. “Think whatever you want.”

Maddie hadn’t known what was to come.

That they’d be making out in the back of the SUV, his leg lodged between her own, moving against her, their breathing a little too loud for the complete quiet of the car.

Maddie holding him, never feeling like he was close enough when they were like this, Hyunjin’s heavy exhales against her parted lips, the two of them getting so lost in each other…

And while that had always been the point- while it’d always been so easy to forget about the real world when they were together…

Neither of them had been stressed or in need of anything when that’d happened.

Maddie swallowed hard, realizing the lines were starting to blur…

There was a lot less “This is to take the edge off” and a lot more “I just like the way this feels”.

She shook her head quickly, a strange twist in her chest as she bit her lip, feeling anxious as she looked at Lila.

“Honestly…” Maddie said, sighing heavily. “I really don’t know anymore.”

To Be Continued...

8 | 9 | 10

#skz changbin #skz han #skz chan #skz lee know #skz minho #skz hyunjin #skz fic #skz angst #skz fanfic #skz #skz jisung #skz seungmin #skz felix #skz i.n #skz jeongin #stray kids fanfic #stray kids x female reader #stray kids fic #stray kids #stray kids chan #stray kids lee minho #stray kids lee know #stray kids changbin #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids han #stray kids angst #stray kids smut #skz smut #skz scenarios #stray kids scenarios

[besaea]

hellloooooo party people! i’m late to the party but thank you for all the welcome messages so far 8) i’ll be replying to them slowly over the next couple days because i’m going to be a bit busy until early next week but hopefully we can get some plots going! as always, please LIKE THIS and i will come to you through ims to plot

info about saea under the cut! and her about page is here

she’s the youngest of two kids and has an older brother

born and raised in seoul 

but she travelled a lot when she was younger bc of her dad’s job (she lived in sydney and toronto too)

her english name is charlotte with the nickname charlie but not many people know that

she currently works at a dance studio to support her side hustle of being a fansite (i haven’t decided which senior group she’s a fansite of yet ... or if i’m gonna go with a real group not in wannabe-verse ... cough cough oneus) 

she’s part of a dance crew (named obsidian) that busks in hongdae/sinchon on evenings that she doesn’t have to work at the studio

she currently lives on her own but will probably need a roommate soon since she’s on Struggle Street right now since she has to have a backup plan of going to university once her gap year is over (her parents are willing to help but only to an extent)

basically she’s overextending herself right now but she’s a firm believer of YOLO so she’s trying to do everything that she wants to do so she won’t have any regrets in the future

wanted plots!!

dance crew members for sure! i was thinking maybe up to like 5 people (who are all npc right now) to be part of her dance crew who she busks with in hongdae/sinchon on some week nights and most weekends

since the dance crew probably all work at certain places during the week, they can only really practice in the wee hours of the night so maybe someone who works at a convenience store at those early hours and always catches saea dropping by for snacks

high school friends?

or friends from canada/sydney from the time that she was there. ESP PEN PALS

a potential roommate?

friends!!! 

exes!!!

buddies who skateboard with her! she’s pretty seasoned at this point but everyone needs people who will laugh at them when they fuck up doing a trick and then help them up after

maybe you literally walk by her in the middle of the night but she seems to be asleep standing up in the middle of the park ... is she ok ... (she’s just zoned out and WILL shriek like she’s seen a ghost once u try to check on her tho ... fair warning ...)

you have become pseudo cat parents with her bc you guys have been adopted by the same stray cat in hongdae

there’s a deal at a bakery/cafe for couples only and none of her friends are answering their phones so she literally comes up to you on the street and asks if you want to pretend to be her boyfriend for free cake bc you’re wearing the same shoes

you guys were friends before she left seoul the first time and when you both were little, she asked u to marry her with a flower and now she doesn’t remember (or vice versa) LOLOL 

also i’m totally down to just brainstorm KHGSDJ

#( ooc. )

[starfire-s]

the strongest people are the ones who remember the names and faces of all 23 members of nct i think y’all are the smartest people on earth actually

#i could never #i struggled to remember the name of 8 stray kids members #and i still have to remind myself who han is and who changbin is #lmaooo #nct #kpop #are there 23 members correct me if i’m wrong idk

[kpop-rambles]

Goodbye 2019. Hello 2020.

To celebrate the new year - which a lot of people are celebrating right now, I’m sure, unfortunately not me yet - I decided to create this post. I don’t know how to explain it but if you like kpop, keep reading!

My Top 3 Songs of 2019

1. SKZ - Miroh

This song got me into my now ult group, Stray Kids. Those 9 boys have honestly made this year 10x better for me. Chan’s VLives definitely helped me when I was upset, and the members made me feel emotions by their side. I’m so glad that add of Miroh appeared and I chose to watch it because I may have not gotten into Stray Kids without it. 

2. ATEEZ - Wave

Again, another song that got me into the group. I heard the song in a video where they played huge jenga at Kcon... I think? Anyways, this song is another banger and you completely fall in love with it first listen. You won’t regret listening to this.

3. TWICE - Fancy

I got into TWICE when they released YES OR YES, but FANCY is the song that you can’t not fall in love with. I did on my 2nd listen and man, if you’re saying you didn’t learn the dance and bopped to this song, you are LYING because- let’s be honest - everyone said FANCY SOTY. 

Groups I began stanning in 2019 its felt like forever tho

Stray Kids - March 26th. You think I would forget? 

ATEEZ - August 18th. Another date I remember, because I spent a good 2 hours getting to memorize the members name and faces. Was so happy when I finally did it. 

iKON - Honestly, I was more of a Double B stan since January until Hanbin left. I loved their songs but I never got to know the rest of the members, except for Jinhwan. 

ChungHa - Snapping dragged me in. That’s all I gotta say. Although, ngl, Gotta Go was something I always tried to dance to. 

KARD - Again, Bomb Bomb just pulled me into the fandom. The rest of their discography made me stay. I sang along to Bomb Bomb everyday for a good 3 months. It was honestly EVERYTHING to me and then Dumb Litty came and stole my heart and KARD did it AGAIN.

Mamamoo - gogobebe. Do I really need to say anything else?

GOT7 - I’m pretty sure I got into them because, well everyone knows GOT7. They’re a name everyone knows if you like kpop, so I just wanted to get into them. Eclipse and You Calling My Name are songs I’ll dance and singalong to in the right mood and right part of the song. But their personalities dragged me in. I’m pretty sure BamBam also attracted me when he was on Stray Kids reality show. 

Day6 - Time Of Our Life. I decided to listen to it because Seungmin of Stray Kids was a big fan of them and I was like, it shouldn’t hurt to try. Seungmin made me want to watch and Day6 made me want to stay. They don’t make ANY bad songs. 

Everglow - March 18. Listened to Bon Bon Chocolat when it came out, and I was honestly scared ppl were gonna sleep on them cause ITZY debuted a month before. Fortunately, everyone noticed their talent. 

BigBang - I dunno just listened to one of their songs. And, of course, I fell in love. Too late to stan them while they were active, but I’m expecting something in 2020... just saaying.

NCT - All of the subunits. Honestly there were so many of them, I spent time taking tests to tell them apart. The struggle to stan these boys. Instantly fell in with the Dreamies. And then I found out they weren’t a fixed unit... My heart shattered. It’s still breaking because 4 OF THEM ARE LEAVING. or left. I dunno. 

Tomorrow by Together - They were probably the most anticipated group of this year. I remember ppl hyping them up in October of 2018! Predebut stan right here. (I just remembered that I thought the preview of each member was coming out in age order and thinking that Beomgyu was the youngest. And I was just like WHERE IS HEUNINGKAI FROM?!?!)

ITZY - remember when everyone thought that itzy’s debut was rushed because info about them was leaked. yeah, i forgot too. anyways, again I was a predebut stan. 

(G)- idle - i always listened to their title tracks and I began stanning them during Queendom after their Fire cover im listening to 2ne1 2015 mama fire performance rn lol.... omg bom’s han cover just started playing. spotify is watching me guys.

Somi - Birthday was a bop. fight me. outfits sucked, gotta agree with that opinion I didn’t rlly know much about IOI but I started stanning because Jenchu were fangirling to it i mean jennie twerked for it!

Jimin Park - I’m out here still streaming STAY BEAUTIFUL. honestly she’s so loveable. her personality and her voice are everything. how can you not like her

My Top 5 Groups of the Year

1. STRAY KIDS - A lot of the reasons I luv them are the same as ATEEZ. That’s why ateez are close to being my number one, but honestly these 9 boys are everything to me. 9 or NONE FOREVER. They have been through so much this year and I hope they STAY strong for 2020. In their 2020 seasons greeting they announced a full album next year, so I’m ready to follow these boys on their journey no matter how many stay or leave. I’m a STAY for a reason. 

2. ATEEZ - PERSONALITY. I’m also a sucker for groups that shove their love for each other in your face. 8 makes 1 team, y’know? Hongjoong and Mingi are amazing rappers, Jongho, Wooyoung and San’s vocals tho, Yunho and Seonghwa’s deep voices are the death of me, and Yeosang dancing. They’re talented and luvable and that’s all I need for an ult group. also all their songs are bops

3. Mamamoo - Honestly would’ve tied with Twice but these I’m a sucker for them as ppl as well, and I need that to luv a group. they ain’t fake, they slap information in your face and they are POWERFUL WOMAN. (Not saying twice aren’t ofcourse) And these girls vocals are on POINT. Moonbyul is rapper material, but have you heard the girl song? What an angel. Their songs are all slaps, especially the most recent ones. 

4. TWICE - This was their year? yes or yes. Fancy soty. Feel Special was a great title track, don’t get me wrong, bUT HAVE YOU HEARD THE FULL ALBUM. Every song is my AMAZING. omg rainbow is playing

5. NCT DREAM - These boys stole my heart, I only stanned nct because of them. Honestly seeing the 00 line leave breaks my heart.

My Top 5 girl group and boy group songs

gg songs were honestly so hard to pick, they thrived and SO many good songs were made in 2019. But here is my list. 

1. Fancy - soty

2. Hip - this song was everything from the choreo to the song itself to the girls energy performing it

3. Psycho - came out like last week but it’s in everyone's top 10 of this year. Beautiful song that won’t get outta my head. getwellsoonwendy.

4.Violeta - this is another song that won’t get out of my head. honestly none of these songs will. ok so the final dance part after the drop of violeta pisses me off because the dance could is so powerful and that part comes and it’s such a disappointment but it’s the only part I can do so i shouldn't complain  but the song itself is very catchy. I don’t want these girls to disband even if the votes were rigged because they make a good group and sing bangers. i don't want them to leeeave.

5.Lion - the song is just so powerful. other songs they’ve made are good, but the chorus is usually a disappointment because the pre chorus is so good but EVERYTHING is great about Lion. Didn’t like it at first for some reason, i dunno why, but once you give it a few more listens you’ll fall in love. 

Now onto the boy groups. They made quite a few bangers this year as well.

1. Miroh - It’s my no.1 of the year. watchu expect?

2. Wave - and this is my no.2. Again, what else would I put here?

3. Run Away - what. a. bop. still can’t get out of my head. Crown was a disappointment to me after 1000 listens but not Run Away. A bonus is the Harry Potter references. With that I just was head over heels in love. Txt didn’t fail to disappoint with their comeback even if it was pushed back. 

4. Boom - This song made me fall in love with the talent that NCT DREAM holds despite being so young. Sang along for a few months. Actually, it’s still in my head. 

5. Make It Right - I was doing title tracks for all these but then I realised there has to be an exception because I just really like this song, especially the one featuring Lauv. Boy with luv wasn’t it for me but every other song on Persona is a straight up masterpiece (ok an exaggeration but u get what i mean)

Now onto the soloists (they’re all female, sry not sry)

1. Chica - I was debating whether to put Snapping or this but decided with Chica. Honestly the vocals, the song, the dance, the MESSAGE, is everything. I love it, it empowers woman, it makes ME feel good, and it’s what some people really need sometimes. So, thank you ChungHa. 

2. Gotta Go - another bop by our queen ChungHa, she really ruled this year. I didn’t stan her when it came out but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do the ‘deulshi’ part whenever I heard it. iconic.

3. Twit - Again another iconic bop from this year. (i thought this masterpiece came out last year, i dunno why but it just is so 2018 for some reason? I dunno) Hwasa’s solo debut really was everything. So was Moonbyul’s which unfortunately didn't make it on the list but I would say it’s in between 5th to 7th for me. 

4. Stay Beautiful - Such a beautiful song, it was a shame Jamie had to leave but she left JYP saying that they lost smth PRECIOUS and they would regret it and she conveyed all that in one song without hinting at it. So many quote worthy lyrics were in the song and it just bring up my mood and my standard for vocals. Don’t sleep on this girl, y’all. 

5. Birthday - the song brought out mixed reactions from everyone but i LOVED IT. It did get a bit old but it’s still something you’ll find me singing along to every now and then. 

ARTISTS THAT STOOD OUT TO ME THIS YEAR 

1. Bang Chan of Stray Kids. I love him. He’s such a great leader, he’s a loveable person, he’s all rounded and he fucks up sometimes but he acknowledges it and fixes it. He went through so much shit this year and he deserves so much more. I, along with many other STAYs are gonna make 2020 a better year for him and all of his group. Stay strong Chan! But besides his personality his stage presence, his rapping, his singing, his producing, his energy, his personality, it all made him someone who was always on my mind. 

2. Yeonjun of Tomorrow x Together. He’s also very well rounded and he really stands out to me from all the other 4th gens. Whenever I see a performance by TXT he always grabs my attention even when he’s not the main focus. I love his dancing, it’s very eye catching to me, along with his stage presence. He never loses his energy on stage and I expect a lot from him in 2020! His rapping and singing are amazing as well, especially for a rookie. Also when they first debuted he cried a lot, which was very heartwarming to me because idols showing emotion other than happy is something I appreciate, because it lets me remember they’re human too.

3. Seulgi of Red Velvet. She’s, again, very well rounded. I’m not really a Reveluv, but Wendy and Seulgi are vocalists who really stand out to me so those to kind of make me want to listen to Red Velvet’s songs. She’s an amazing vocalist, like words can’t express how much a love this woman's voice. Her stage presence is amazing as well, she’s just a really good performer imo.

4. Jihyo and Nayeon of TWICE. First of all I really like their personality and how powerful they are. Honestly a wink from them and I’m falling of my chair. Secondly, I don’t know if anyone's noticed but I really like powerful female vocals, and these two have extremely POWERFUL vocals. Have you heard them sing? Just... POWERFUL, that’s all I can really say to describe their voices. 

5. Mingi and Hongjoong of ATEEZ. They are rapper that are gonna blow away the whole industry with 3racha, I mean they already have. Did y’all see their performance in MAMA. The RAWEST vocals I heard that whole show. They were obviously not lip syncing, you could hear Mingi panting and he didn’t rap a whole line, and I LOVE that because it is RAW and we need more raw vocals or atleast breaths heard when the artists are dancing because it makes the performance more REAL. also stage presence is amazing from these two, they really know how to hype up a crowd. 

ROOKIE GROUPS I EXPECT A LOT FROM NEXT YEAR

sorry my expectations are high for them, but they have stood out tome so much and i couldn’t stand to see them flop. 

1. TOMORROW X TOGETHER - they’ve been on this list quite a lot, and I really appreciate their individual talents along with them as a group. I REALLY want to see them improve and grow more next year because they were really pushed this year, being BTS’s juniors. I’m sure they were really stressed but I want them to become TOMORROW BY TOGETHER not BTS’s juniors. Probably won’t happen in a year but hopefully in the next decade.

2. ITZY - another group really known for theing the juniors of TWICE this time. The title tracks they released so far have all been listen to it the first time, you don;t like it, but listen to it the 2nd time and it’s stuck in your head for the next 7 months. Honestly if they keep going like this, it would be like a ITZY thing, and I honestly wouldn’t mind. 

3. EVERGLOW - i think everyone just saw bon bon chocolat, gave it a listen, and loved it. but i also heard it was produced by someone who helped produce Crown by TXT and Spring Day by BTS, so there’s another reason ppl may have liked it so much. Adios wasn’t a disappointment at all.  Of course, I would also love it if Everglow kept up the “nanana” thing in each of their title tracks.

4. ATEEZ - I don’t think they’ll flop at all next year. I know they just had their 1st year anniversary, but I wouldn’t mind a full album... either way, Imma stick with them because they’ve only released that good shit so far and I’m honestly expecting a somewhat mediocre song at least once in their career next year. Not expecting it though. 

5. ONEUS - I haven’t’t talked about them yet but all of oneus’s title tracks are absolute gold. I am a mess for Valkyrie, Twilight AND Lit. They’re all just AMAZING songs. I mean, what did we expect from Mamamoo’s juniors but. They are REALLY good. Just go listen to all their title tracks rn. 

And finally, wishes for 2020

- Of course, Wendy to recover after her tragic incident at SBS. Again, I hope she recovers well

- Mina to come back from her hiatus, only if she’s ready to, of course

- BLACKPINK FULL ALBUM. ROSE SOLO. PLEASE.

- Of course, 4th gen to thrive along with 3rd gen and 2nd gen groups

- A full album from stray kids (which was confirmed) and again, maybe for ATEEZ? just maybe? 

- More attention for Mamamoo. They are underrated queens. 

- Less hate for Tomorrow By Together. People bash them just because they’re BTS’s juniors. they would be praised a less but definitely not doubted way more if they weren’t under Bighit. Yeah, they get luxuries other groups won’t but that doesn’t mean people should degrade them for it. 

And with that

I wish everyone a Happy New Year. May your next decade be filled with happiness and joy! omg fancy started playing

also i didn’t have time to properly edit this. then again i am a rambling blog, so what are you expecting?

#kpop #twice #mamamoo #txt #bts #kpop 2020 #ateez #everglow #itzy #oneus #jyp #kpop 4th gen #chung ha #somi #queen hwasa #jimin park #chica #snapping #gotta go #twit #stay beautiful #birthday #stray kids #got7 #bang chan #choi yeonjun #kang seulgi #im nayeon #park jihyo #song mingi

[infjabberwocky]

imagine if she was on something...

ARCHIVE FROM SEPTEMBER 8, 2019

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since.

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return.

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

#INFJ VIRGO

[yourkeeperoftherunners]

maybe i sent too much? lol just do as many as you'd like to!💗💕💞

You didn’t send too much! I appreciate you sending them!

Here are my answers below:

What are your favourite albums from each of the groups you mentioned?

BLACKPINK – SQUARE TWO (Ironically it also contains my favorite song “Playing with Fire” from the group.)

BTS – The Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Young Forever (My first song with them was “Fire” and it’s still my favorite song for the lyrics and melody.)

EXO – The Power of Music (The group had a lot of fun with the video and I really liked their b-side “Boomerang” too.)

ITZY – IT’Z ICY (Another one where my first and favorite track from them is on this EP.)

Stray Kids – I am WHO (This was a hard pick between this one and I am YOU which has the same name for the title track. The latter was my first song I heard from them but “My Pace” holds a special place in my heart for the meaning and the memory of Changbin asking the KCON audience to help him with the beginning part.)

What are your favourite songs?

BLACKPINK – “Playing with Fire” and “Hope Not”

BTS – “Fire”, “Trivia: Seesaw”, “MIC DROP (Steve Aoki Remix)”, and two songs off RM’s second mixtape “Seoul” and “Tokyo”

EXO – “Lightsaber”, “Boomerang”, and “Power”

ITZY – “ICY”, “Wannabe”, and “I Don’t Wanna Dance”

Stray Kids – I like a good chunk of their repertoire so it’s difficult to narrow it down. “My Pace” and “I am You” are ones I hold close. “Mirroh”, “Road Not Taken”, “STOP”, “Blueprint”, “God’s Menu”, and “Slump” have been on replay for me as of lately.

Do you have a favourite moment of theirs?

BLACKPINK – They did a short reality show called BLACKPINK HOUSE and one of the early episodes showed Lisa and Rosé waking early to make breakfast for the older girls. Rosé found bread and made toast, only she burned the first two slices and tried to save it by scraping off the burned areas. She proceeded to try her handiwork and did this cute arm flapping thing to show how proud she was of her work.

BTS – They do a series called Run! BTS and two episodes were split over them doing games themed to old Korean variety shows that were on when they were very young kids. They had these really dated looking outfits on and at one point they had to play a game where they listen to a children’s song, take a nap for 20-30 minutes, then wake up and try to remember the full song lyrics without any guidance. Some of them got hung up on words and poor Suga, who was the referee, was trying to find ways to give them hints without spoiling the answers.

EXO – Their appearances on Ask Us Anything/Knowing Bros. There was one where they played a game themed to their concept superpowers and a few of them actually were terrible at their jobs. (Ex. Xiumin’s assigned power is ice so he had to fish beans out of a bucket of ice in the game – he struggled because it was very cold, so another member did his job. Sehun’s assigned power is wind and he struggled to keep a piece of paper floating in the air with his breath only, etc.)

ITZY – At KCON LA, they introduced themselves after performing their latest single “ICY” and did a cute showcase of their talents.

Stray Kids – When they were on Weekly Idol, they played a game where they had to appeal to I.N., their maknae, to rank them from 1-8 in terms of his favorite hyung. The other members did things like bribe him with new sneakers, making up raps on the spot, and the dancers tried dancing to impress I.N. plus threw in some extras. (Hyunjin gave I.N. a ring, Lee Know tried dancing sexy until Hyunjin shoved him off I.N. for being inappropriate, and Felix offered I.N. a piggyback ride.)

Favourite outfit?

I really like Rosé’s grey sweater/checkerboard skirt/black thigh high boots look from “As if it’s Your Last”. That skirt inspired me to make my own skirt.

I like some of RM’s pieces from VISVIM because the head designer does pay a lot of attention to the process and details in his clothing pieces and it shows.

Most of the stuff I like for EXO is Chanyeol’s personal style – he wears a lot of VETEMENTS but maybe his “Freal Luv” look from the Far East Movement MV?

There’s a stage outfit Lia has worn where it’s this black sleeveless dress with buttons down the front and it’s cute and classy. The buttons kind of remind me of marching band jackets a little.

I did love the styling for KCON LA – albeit I still laugh about my friends asking me who the hot guy in all black with the abs (Bang Chan) and the cute guy in the red/black striped jacket (Han) after the concert.

If you could only stan one group for the rest of your life, which group would it be?

Stray Kids and I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve seen them twice in concert and always have a lot of fun when they perform.

Which 3 idols from those groups would you rather be stranded on a deserted island with?

Rosé (BLACKPINK)

Bang Chan (Stray Kids)

? I’m not sure who I want as my third pick. Felix is the other half of the Aussie line from Stray Kids, but it’s tempting to consider someone like Jungkook from BTS since he’s one of those “happens to be good at almost everything” people and that would come in handy for survival. While RM is my favorite in BTS, please protect Mr. Danger Prone – he’s clumsy and I’d be more concerned about the injuries he’d end up with.

#BTS #Stray Kids #Itzy #Blackpink #EXO #hurtroads #yourkeeperoftherunners answered #number 3043

[theonlysoph]

SKZ Reaction to Meeting You for the First Time

Request: “So this one might be a little harder and/or longer. Pick your favorite group to write about right now and write your favorite 'first meeting' interaction with each of them. Make it fun for yourself~ “

Note: I’m so sorry this took so long !!  I’m trying to write more but there’s so much going on and I’m working more than ever. Please be patient if you want to request :) Also I added Woojin as a bonus cuz a bitch is still hurting hehe

Masterlist        Request

~~~~~

Chan

You had been invited out with some friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. You walked around saying hello to everyone and occasionally being pressured to take a drink or shot, not that you would say no anyways. Tonight was about celebrating! You continued making your rounds until you came across someone who didn’t look familiar. 

“Hi I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Y/N,” you smiled. 

Chan reached his hand out while responding, “I definitely would have remembered if I did.”

After introducing yourselves, you flirted back and forth a little more equally attracted to each other. There was no denying that Chan was an easy person to talk to. But it wasn’t long before a friend pulled you away to go drink with her instead. You gave a quick sorry and silently prayed that you would get to talk to Chan again soon. 

You met again later in the night when both of you were at the height of your drunkness. Some mutual friends suggested that you all play truth or drink. When it became Chan’s turn he was asked who the prettiest person in the room was. Without hesitation your name fell out of his mouth.  

Minho

JYP announced that they wanted to put together a stage to showcase the company’s overall talent in idols. You had been asked to choreograph a couple dance with none other than Lee Know from Stray Kids. You had admired the boy’s talent and only ever heard good things about him from other staff. Even knowing that didn’t relax your nerves when you walked into the practice room. Minho was already there shuffling through his phone’s playlist for the song that the company had sent him.

“Um hi,” you properly greated Minho. Your group hadn’t met Stray Kids yet and you wanted to leave a good first impression.

“Oh you must be Y/N from (group’s name),” a smile graced Minho’s face once he got a better look at you. “And the main dancer I’m assuming.” You nodded. “Great! Let’s get started?”

The two of you danced and choreographed for the rest of the day, and pretty far into the night. During your breaks you talked a little and got to know each other. You told yourself it was so that the two of you would have great chemistry when the showcase finally came around, but you also knew that wasn’t the whole truth.    

Changbin

Your leader politely knocked on the door to one of your senior idols so that you could introduce yourselves as a new group. You were about to lose it because you were going to meet Stray Kids, and most importantly Changbin. He had been your bias since their first show, something about his swagger on stage made you head over heels. You held onto one of your group members, realizing that you were finally going to be in the same room as the group you loved so much. 

From the moment you stepped in the room you tried so hard to keep from staring too long at any of the boys, but your eyes still managed to land on Changbin over and over. When your group finished introducing yourselves, Chan being a dad mentioned that a few of the members were actually really excited to meet your group. Minho lightly pushed Changbin with a snicker which earned him a glare from the younger. Your leader seeing this laughed and replied that you were a huge Stray Kids fan as well.

“Hopefully we’ll be seeing more of each other,” Chan smiled. Right as he said this you and Changbin made eye contact for the first time since entering the room.

Hyunjin

You and a friend made the long drive to go to the boy’s fan sign and concert. With enough confidence for the both of you, your friend went first. Trailing behind, you made your way down the line greeting each boy and telling them how much they meant to you in the few minutes you had with each of them. At the very end sat Hyunjin. 

“Hi,” he softly smiled. You could feel your heart almost stop when his eyes landed on you. 

“Hi you’re group means so much to me and I never thought I would get the chance to meet you and there’s so much I want to say but Korean isn’t my first language but I’m so so happy to finally meet my ultimate bias.” Of all the possible reactions you could have had you didn’t expect to word vomit and make a fool of yourself. You turned red with blush, and looked down, not able to face Hyunjin after what you just did.

What happened next was just as much as a shock. Hyunjin took your hands in his and encouraged you to look at him.  

“Thank you for the kind words. If I knew I was going to meet an angel today I would have prepared something more for you.”

Jisung

You were beyond late for your flight back to the US, and trying so hard not to completely lose it in the line for security. There were only a few more people in front of you then you could sprint to your gate and catch your flight. Easy. Right as you were about to go up to the teller he signalled someone else to his little podium. There were 8 boys who looked around your age and a few other older looking people, all presenting their passports and walking over to security. You were livid.

Fast forward, you had spent the better part of an hour trying to find an affordable flight home, with no luck. You could have just been on time, but if those damn people didn’t cut in front you wouldn’t have missed your flight. You tried speaking to one of the attendants at the desk explaining again that you couldn’t afford the next plane out, when you heard a familiar voice. Speak of the devils.

“I don’t mean to listen but weren’t you in line at security?” You gave Jisung a blank stare, that probably came off really bitchy. “I just wanted to offer to buy your ticket since I’m guessing we made you miss it.”

Felix

Felix walked into the dog cafe and quietly checked to see if his regular table was available. He was a little disappointed to see that it was being occupied by a pretty girl he had never seen before. You were busy playing with a few of the puppies that you didn’t notice the handsome boy looking your way. Deciding it was better not to bother you, Felix instead sought out the golden retriever that he had grown so fond of.

Hours passed for each of you without acknowledging the other’s existence. Every now and then you may have shared a glance, and you both found the other attractive. It wasn’t enough for either of you to do anything more than smile. But luckily that didn’t last long.

All it took was for one of the puppies to grab and run off with your purse. Luckily Felix was able to catch her before she could begin teething and ripping your bag. You apologized, though you weren't exactly sure for what, and graciously took back your belonging.   

In the end it was Felix who took the risk in asking your name and where you were from. You both left the cafe that day smiling, and looking forward to the next time you would meet.   

Seungmin

Your friends had been bothering you to try dating more. It wasn’t that you were opposed to it, you just didn’t see a point in putting so much effort into someone who turned out undeserving. But finally had enough you agreed to ONE blind date set up by your friends. 

The day came and you could not have been more annoyed. No part of you wanted to go on this date but you made a promise and you weren’t a horrible person (though it did cross your mind to stand your date up). Despite your sour mood you got dressed up in a cute little outfit and went. You waited at a nearby park your friends told you to wait at. The only other information they had given you was a name, but how could they expect you to know who Seungmin was?

Only a few minutes had passed before you heard someone call your name. You turned around and saw a puppy-dog looking boy making his way to you, with a huge smile on his face. “Hi Y/N, I’m Seungmin! (Your friend’s name) set us up today.” You greeted him with a smile. 

Jeongin

You had always been at the top of your class, and being the new student it wasn’t very easy for you to make real friends. You didn’t mind too much, soon you would be at university and things would be different. In the meantime, you were just trying to graduate and fly under everyone’s radar. 

After class one day one of your teachers asked if they could talk to you. They explained that they had a student who was really struggling, and since you were doing so well, they wanted to know if you would be willing to tutor. You masked your grief with a smile and said yes. The teacher introduces you to Jeongin, and you two quickly exchanged numbers. 

“Thank you again for doing this,” Jeongin said. “It’s just hard to keep up with everything when I have to work all the time. But I promise I won’t waste your time.” 

You guys made plans for your first tutor session then went on your way. You went home curious about Jeongin, you didn’t even know he went to your school. So you looked him up hoping to find his instagram or something. When Stray Kids pop up you fell in a deep rabbit hole but one thing was for sure, Jeongin was the cutest member.

Bonus: Woojin

Woojin had gone to the beach in hopes of clearing his mind. So much had begun to take a toll on his metal health in the past few months. He was bursting at the seams and thought it was best if he could run away, even just for a little bit. He didn’t expect to run into someone else who looked just as lost as he did. 

You sat down on a bench not too far from Woojin, though you didn’t really register his presence at the otherwise empty beach. But the longer you sat out staring at the crashing waves didn’t help at all. It was nice and relaxing, but your thoughts were a war zone making you tear up. There were just too many thoughts in your head to really pay attention to what was happening in the real world in front of you.

A voice startled you saying, “I hope you make it through whatever is eating at you.” It took you a second to realize that it was the same man that was sitting a few feet away. He held a small flower in his outstretched hand and waited for you to take it. 

#stray kids #stray kids reaction #stray kids imagine #stray kids drabble #stray kids one shot #stray kids scenarios #stray kids bang chan #stray kids changbin #stray kids felix #stray kids seungmin #stray kids jeongin #stray kids lee minho #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids jisung #kim woojin #stray kids x reader #stray kids fluff

[skzbffie]

(190224) felix and chan ending ments @ sydney unveil tour

Felix: Wow, where do I begin? Having to be here with all 9 members and to perform in Australia for the first time, I think it's one of the most unforgettable memories I could've had. Having to became a trainee at JYPE was really- just hearing that news I’ve never felt so happy before in my life. As I got ready and went over to Korea, I was so excited but the fact that I had to leave everything behind was a fatal loss to me. Having to arrive in Korea I thought, you know, this could be a great start. I had nothing to start off with until I met all of my members even though we weren't members at that time. We practiced together and I was glad to have someone that could lead me and show me how to do things right. I couldn't be more thankful to the person that really taught me how to become not only a Korean person (aka the culture) but also a star. I guess at first I did feel lost, but as that person gave me little footsteps and gave me little ways to climb up, I really did feel like I had something to belong to. As I found my way up through the hills, I feel that I was able to find each member one-by-one. The first person was Channie-hyung. The one and only Australian brother that had helped me throughout all the struggles. Even though we didn't know each other at first- I finally know what it's like to have a brother now. Having to have not only 1 brother but 7 brothers [Crowd: 8! 8! 8!] My bad! I'm sorry! 8 brothers! Having 8 brothers beside me [Chan: 7 brothers and 1... girlfriend? *points to Changbin*] Oh, yeah yeah yeah! [Chan: I'm joking! I'm joking!] Having to find my own family, I really did feel like I had something to belong to. Ever since we started Stray Kids, we started our survival show, and there were ups and down, obviously. We did have a lot of downs. When me and LeeKnow-hyung were eliminated I feel that I nearly lost everything, but the one thing that really kept me going was Channie-hyung.

 Afterwards, he had said, “Don’t let me down. It’s not over yet. There’s still hope so keep working hard and we’ll be waiting for you.” I think that’s what really kept me going and helped me through all my struggles. In the end, we turned out to be 9 members in 1 group. Finally! 1 team! We became Stray Kids! So I just wanna say thank you to all my 9 members- my 8 members, sorry! 8! I said 8! I’m so nervous right now... but I’m so thankful to our little brother, I.N. He’s always kind, always showing love. I’m thankful to Han for always showing effort, his cool side, I really enjoy that. I see LeeKnow-hyung and he’s always dancing, always showing me how to do stuff. He really taught me a lot. I’m thankful to Woojin-hyung who’s always showing- he’s really good! He really knows how to do things so I’m really thankful for that. Changbin-hyung! He’s always teaching me how to rap, teaching me new stuff! I’m very thankful for that! And Hyunjin, always being by my side as a good friend and a dancer so I’m really thankful for that. Lastly, our leader, Channie-hyung, Christopher [Crowd: Seungmin!!!!] No, no, no!!! Wait! I’m not done yet! And Seungmin! Sorry! Seungmin is also the person who taught me how to sing and how to put so much confidence into singing. I’m really thankful for that. Don’t take offense!!! I’m sorry!! I don’t wanna cry right now! I thought I’d be crying today here on stage but it’s so hard to keep it in. Lastly, we have our leader Channie-hyung who’s always not only taught me confidence but taught me what’s right and what’s wrong. He’s been showing me from the bottom all the way to the top. I guess I feel that I still have a long way to go and I still have a lot to learn from him. I’m so thankful to have so many kind, unforgettable people. [Chan: How many?] 8! [Yes! Got it right! Round of applause for Felix!] Lastly, I’d like to say thank you STAY and you’ve been great to us! Thank you! 

Chan:  First of all, I just wanna say thank you to JYP and everyone else who’s inside. They always help us to grow stronger and they always tell us what’s right and wrong, and they always help us go through everything. Also, I wanna say thanks to the production team today because they helped us create this beautiful stage. I also wanna say thank you to the Australian staff members who’ve been helping us. Thank you, guys! You guys are wonderful. I don’t know where to start. Okay. 2010 was when I first auditioned for JYPE and it was here in Sydney. There was 800 people and apparently I was the only one who got in. I’m not bragging!!! I first left for Korea in April 2011 and after that it was... I always missed Australia. Today my family's here as well! Some of my friends as well! But, you know, I just wanna say sorry for being far from home for so long. I’m so busy as well, it’s really hard for me to contact families or contact friends as well. I’m just really glad that I’m here to be able to see you guys. It’s funny cause when I left the plane and we arrived in Sydney and we took the bus to our hotel, every memory passed by. Usually, I would always sleep in a bus ride or whatever I could because I always never get enough sleep. But even in the bus I couldn’t sleep because of all the memories that were going past and... I really miss Australia. I’m so glad to be back and I guess the reason why I could be able to come back home to Australia was because of our 8 members. So I really want everyone here to give a round of applause to our Stray Kids members, please. Australia is my home. I’d like to introduce you guys to our members. First off, we have I.N who’s the youngest member of our family. Next up, we have Seungmin who might be hurt right now but he’s always strong-hearted and I know that he’ll get better soon. Ah, I don’t wanna cry. Next up, we have Han! Who’s always been good at everything and he always listens well so I just wanna say, you know, thanks man. Next up, we have Hyunjin! I know that sometimes I could be a bit harsh to him. There were times where Hyunjin would always stress out on how to get stronger and improve and I was always a bit strict to him, but I’m just really glad that he could cope with that and always fight on. Next, we have Changbin who’s someone I could always rely on. He always listens to me. We used to live in the same dormitory and live in the same room, and he would always listen because I’m the one who can't sleep that well, but we’d always talk on and on. I just wanna say thanks Changbin. Thank you to LeeKnow for being my man, cause I don’t know why but he always just makes me laugh. Thank you. Thanks to Woojin for being the only 97-liner in our team. He’s just really strong and I can always rely on him. Even when I have a hard time, I only show that to my members sometimes, but I do show it in front of Woojin so I just wanna say thank you. You don’t know understand, don’t you? It’s okay, I’ll tell you later. Next up, we have Felix. Felix came to Korea two years ago and I do remember him coming. Actually, I heard about that he would be coming and I was anticipating it. When he came I was pretty surprised, he was a really low voice, CRAZY low voice. [Imitates Felix’s voice] Hello, my name is Felix. // Oh, so you’re Felix? // [Imitates Felix’s voice]  Yeah, my name’s Felix. // Wow, nice to meet you! // Felix is not really that used to Korea and he’d always have a hard time. I think sometimes he’d feel lonely and sometimes he’d feel really depressed. It’s not just me but he misses his family as well. Sometimes, he couldn’t get along with other trainees, sometimes he wouldn’t understand the system so I told him that he’s not the only one, I went through that as well. I didn’t want Felix to go through that as well so I think I was a bit more strict to Felix, but I’m sorry... and thank you to Felix because he always coped with it and he always listened to what I said. He was so strong and I’m just really glad that he could end up being apart of this team. Now we can hold hands and come back to our hometown in Australia. Thanks, Felix. [Felix, crying: I’m not crying!] Sorry guys, I didn’t know I’d cry this much but I did wanna make Felix cry. He wouldn’t cry! I know you wanted to cry! I can’t say anything else because I’m not the type to express my own feelings in front of the team because I wanna stay strong. They probably don’t understand but okay! They’re always there for me. Okay! I’m not gonna cry anymore because I’m in Australia! I’m just really proud to be here and you know, we’ve been through a lot before we came here but as I’m here I’m gonna try to take all of the energy from the environment, from the people, from my family, my friends.. [Points to his family] I know you guys are somewhere but I can't see you right now but I know you guys are there! Thank you for coming! I’m just gonna take all the energy and I’m gonna go back to Korea with Stray Kids and we’re gonna show the world what we're made of. [...] We’re gonna come back soon and I know you guys are gonna love it! I know that it’s gonna be a BANGER! I wanna sing it but I can’t! I know that through this comeback or whatever, afterwards we’re gonna keep on making new music for our STAYs, for everyone! And I know that you guys are gonna spread it, spread  the message! And with that, I’m just really grateful! I know that I can believe and rely on you guys. Thank you so much! 2018 was a great start but 2019, Stray Kids and STAY, WE’LL SHOW THE WORLD WHAT WE’RE MADE OF! Today is a fantastic day! There are special people here, here, everywhere, our family members as well! Today we’re gonna cherish this moment

#the amount of times i cried trying to transcribe this... #they love each other so much imso sad #literally blood brothers....they are brothers theyre soulmates #best ppl i know. #unveil tour #chan #felix #txt #long post / #clearly i need to work on my grammar

[iwillgiveyoumyhappiness]

Song Tag

Song game!

Tagged by @bae-minseung

Thanks for tagging me, luv!

Rule: You can only repeat one artist and song only one time, so we can all kind of spread new 🎶to the people we tag. Try to listen to at least one of the song’s people rec here.

1. Song you 💛ed the first time you listened to and never got tired of?

Universe by Minhyun

When ‘Universe’ came out on April 3rd of 2019, I already knew it was going to become one of my favorite songs ever. How did I know that? I can’t really say. The first note tickled my ear and made me feel fuzzy inside, but also a little sad. I don’t know if there’s anyone else out there that likes standing in the rain and feeling it trickle down your cheeks, but it felt like that—only better. It felt like the cold water was warm, and instead of it being clear, it was dye and it was coloring me beautifully. That song felt like first love to me. Thrilling and beautiful, but also a little heart-wrenching and sorrowful. I think that’s why I love it so much, and still love it to this day. I can always go back to that song to fill me with the color that I lack. In the words of Minhyun: “You have to be happy, my universe”.

2. One song you 😭 every time you listen or makes you emotional?

The Last by Agust D

‘The Last’ is such a painfully honest song, and I admire that honesty. Since BTS debuted in 2013, I remember looking at Min Yoongi through the eyes of a relatively thoughtless nine-year-old and thinking, “What kind of person are you? Who are you?” I thought it was a funny question, at the time. I knew who he was. He was Min Yoongi—Suga from BTS. He was a cool Korean guy I saw on the internet. Though, as time went by and I got older, I realize it.

“You’re me.”

“You’re older than me, and we’re different people.”

“But that doesn’t matter.”

“You’re me in another body.”

When I came to that realization, I cried for hours without making any noise. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t. Up until that point, I was someone who locked her door and screamed until she felt better, but at that time, I realized that it felt better to scream in my head, because then I could do it whenever I needed to. I could be in a room full of people, and I could still be screaming. For whatever reason, I felt comforted by that. I always used to scream and throw tantrums so that people would hear me. So they would know what I was thinking, and what I did or didn’t like. I needed to be heard; I desired it. But after coming to my ‘realization’, I didn’t need to scream to be heard anymore, because there was already someone out there that understood me.

I’m incredibly blessed that ‘The Last’ came out around that time that I developed my ‘Yoongi-ness’, for lack of better term that doesn’t sound too over-dramatic. I’ve never been depressed—I’ve just been really sad or couldn’t feel anything at all, but I’ve felt less really-sad (or at least more comfortable with my really sad), because I knew that I could come back to this song and feel like someone understood.

And that made me happy. That’s one reason why I’m so happy now.

He understood me without hearing a word I said, knowing my face, or knowing my name. Without knowing of my existence, I felt treasured and that’s why ‘The Last’ is always the song that can make me emotional/cry.

3. One song that always makes you happy/😁?

Get Cool by Stray Kids

I have no reason for this whatsoever. I think it’s just the way they sing it or the meaning behind the lyrics, but I always feel cheered up when I listen to this song. Like nothing can bring me down and I can just be unashamed about how freakin’ happy I am.

4. One song you would dedicate to your best friend and/or family?

P.O.P (Piece of Peace) by J-hope

I think this one is pretty self explanatory. If I care for someone, I want to be their strength and their light. I want to make their dreams brighter and their nightmares disappear. I want to be a safe place for them. Therefore! Piece of Peace.

5. One song with production (the sounds, the beat, the mood) you 😍?

Manitto by Villain

This song!! This song always makes me feel like I’m in an MV, ‘cause no matter where you are, it somehow fits every. Single. Situation. It makes me feel like a suave criminal that walks by people on the street and everyone’s just like, “Daaaaaamn, is that a snack? ‘Cause all of a sudden, I’m hungry”. I always feel 50% more confident once I listen to this song. I’m not someone who swings their hips when they walk, but Manitto has that effect on me. It unlocks my inner zest. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it and it’s been stuck in my ear eternally ever since. The vibe, the mood, the production—all of it is outstanding and totally underrated. Plus, Villain is probably one of my biggest vocal inspirations. I don’t necessarily follow his style (mostly because I don’t think I’m capable of his abilities), but I admire him so much because he’s always had his own voice color that is just incomparable.

6. One song with perfect, amazing, outstanding lyrics?

My New World by CIX

Oh my goshhhhhhh, where to start with this one? There’s nothing I don’t love about this song, particularly the lyrics. Everything from Yonghee’s falsetto to Seunghun’s power to BX’s and Hyunsuk’s shared rap part to Jinyoung’s “heyyyy~” (only those that have listened to it will understand)—it always hits me in a strong, powerful way. It’s a song all about carrying your light along with your darkness, and that’s always a lesson I’m try to teach myself every single day. I think one of my favorite lines is: “Take the bumpy road”, because it reminds me of something I told myself once. I was sitting on my bed at 4:30 in the morning, watching the sunrise. I was in a really nostalgic mood and I was alone in the house, so I just sighed, laid down and started crying for no reason, telling myself, “It’s hard to be a good person”. I think ‘My New World’ has become a source of strength for me, because it makes me feel like I’m more capable of going through the struggles of trying to be the best version of myself.

7. One song that you would recommend to anyone?

go, just go by eli

I think if you listen to it, you’ll find out what I mean without me even having to say much. I remember putting this on my friend’s ‘Calm Down and Chill’ playlist and then that same day, he called me and said, “What the heck is this?” and I was like, “...what?”. He explained to me that he meant the song, but I didn’t understand why he was so adamant about it until he said, “You can’t put stuff like that on my playlists. It’s too beautiful and it makes me cry”. I think that’s pretty powerful.

8. One song you don’t understand why you like so much but you do anyway?

BLACKWHITE by CORBYN

Corbyn (ex member of 24k) is a little-known self-producing soloist under 28Laboratory and BLACKWHITE is my favorite song by him. I love the classy-old-film vibe it has, despite it being a hip-hop song with hard rap. I’m not sure why I like, but I think it has something to do with how clever and almost punny the lyrics are. Not to mention, I always gets chills whenever he says, “Y’all don’t amaze me”. Another thing that probably helps in adding to my love for this track is that his producing feels familiar to me since he produced a lot of my favorite 24k songs, like Super Fly and Bonnie N’ Clyde.

9. One song that you think people in general wouldn’t like, but you do?

TOP Gang by MCND

I will openly admit that this is a genera plenty people aren’t that into—hip-hop with rap-heavy vocals and a raw production quality—but I happen to love this song. Not only does it impress me that all the members are so young (Win has been my baby since Under19), but also because the members took part in the writing and producing of the song. Castle J helped in producing it, and he wrote the lyrics for it, along with Win and BIC. They really have so much talent and they put so much effort into it, and I find the way they structured their rhyming to be very addictive. I find myself going back to listen to it because it puts me in that “I can do anything” kind of mood.

10. One song people normally like and you don’t like or hate?

Cheerleader by OMI

...I don’t have much to say about this one, I just don’t like it. I’m not a very social person, but I remember the year that this was REALLY popular was probably my busiest year yet, so I was out all the time, and it was playing EVERYWHERE. Going to the pool with my friends? It’s playing. Dinner with my family? It’s playing. Literally just shopping for some new underwear? (TMI, I know) Yup, that’s right. It’s playing. I just couldn’t stand it by the end of the year. 😂

11. One song you would call a masterpiece?

Saturn by Sleeping At Last

‘Saturn’ is the one song I come back to over and over again. It makes me happy, it makes me cry, it makes me thoughtful and pensive. It’s everything that I would consider a ‘masterpiece’. The beginning part with the violins and the piano always reminds me of my sister and I, because that’s always been out thing. I play piano, she plays violin. For both of us, music is our first love. My sister’s lost her first love because life is busy and she’s always working and stressed, but I’m fighting tooth and nail to hold onto it and never let go, because to me, music is everything. It brings me to the stars, which are too far away for me to physically touch. It can make me feel when I’m numb, it can make me happy when all I’ve done is cry, and it makes me realize over and over again that life is literally the best thing ever. We’d have nothing without life, and music makes that apparent to me—especially this song.

12. One song you recently (30 days max) discovered and really liked it?

I’m not okay by Deadfish

I like songs that give me an atmosphere, and this song definitely does just that. It feels like brutal honesty cutting into my skin while I’m drowning in my backyard pool, and the chlorine is seeping into my wounds and it just hurts, but in such a nice way. It feels like the loneliness gets a little bit less lonely by the end of the song, and it definitely lessens your sense of self-pity, because you realize other people feel the same as you, if not worse.

13. One song you listen to to get pumped like you wanna tear down the government or something?

HIT by Seventeen

Hit fills me with a sense of excitement and hype unlike any other. Basically, everything about it—the beat, rhythm, lyrics, bass-drop, synth, the fanchant—gets me absolutely hyped up. I can’t sit still whenever I’m listening to it, and I always (ALWAYS) sing along. If I’m sitting, I’m doing this weird shoulder and waist dance. If I’m standing, I’m jumping up and down higher than a volleyball player. It’s even worse when I’m in the mood for dancing, ‘cause then I attempt the choreography, but only in the comfort of solitude, ‘cause oh my gosh, there’s some embarrassing moments. This one definitely is heightened by the fact that I’m going to a Seventeen concert in less than a week.

.

.

.

Thanks again for tagging me, luv! I had a lot of fun doing it, as you know I always like to share my music with anyone that’ll listen. Anyway! I’ll tag my peeps now.

@shizziebo (You always have interesting opinions, Cheya. Love to know what’s going on in that head.)

@lostmyshame (I’m curious what you’d say. You intrigue me. 👍)

@aesthetic-06-24 (I got a random sense from you; don’t know why.)

@itslilliansnow (I know you’ve been busy recently, so don’t worry too much about getting to this.)

#tag game #tag #song #song tag

[utopianvoices]

love languages | stray kids

↭ a/n: this is based purely on my opinion and perspective of them!!

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

chan

from what we see every vlive

his top love language will be physical touch 

he’ll come back from a long day at the studio or from practice

and he’ll just collapse on you

in need for cuddles

and just physical contact in general

whatever you and him do, there will be SOME physical contact 

brushing of hands, holding hands, his hand on your back, small pecks in between conversations, linking of pinkies ((this actually makes me so soft asdkfjaskf))

you name it and it’ll be there tbh

that being said, however, he’ll really respect your space 

so one word from you and he’ll be on the other side of the room

but you won’t miss the pouty lips he was sporting

but also lets be real who doesn’t want to cuddle him

we know he’s a great cook 

but loves it so much when you cook for him

because then he can back hug you and be that cute couple everybody cringes at but also secretly wishes that they also had that

loves winters only because he gets to cuddle you all night long without getting sweaty and shit 

also strikes me as the person who loves eskimo kisses asdlfgska; someone stop me im gonna combust from all this fluff

just give this boy all the love in the world asdfkdsjagl ;-;

woojin

oK this boy is cuddle king #2

its already established that he’s a cuddly bear

but i feel like he’s more of a words of affirmation type of person

he’s cuddly in the sense that he’ll be all up for cuddles and physical affection

but wouldn’t be as needy for it as chan

simple words can make his day

whether you say you love him 

or just things to compliment him in general

because he can get insecure sometimes

thinking that those around him are better and that he’s just not good enough to be doing what he’s doing

so your words to comfort and assure him would mean a lot to him

a “you’re doing great” 

or “that sounded amazing” when he just sang something

can 180 flip his day around SaKDa DwIJIbONa eY yO

someone take the internet away from me

like he could be having the most tiring day with nonstop practising and what not

but the moment you say these things

he just grins like the cheshire cat and collects you in a hug

thats uwujin for you

minho (lee know)

this bOi

oh snap

physical touch for days

like

okay he is soft yeS

buT

HE IS ALSO 

not soft

did you see that miguk chum (american/western dance) on asc

minhoe be going all out

bUT FOR THE SAKE OF MY HEART ILL KEEP THIS AS SOFT AS I CAN

okay hear me out on this but he just seems like a tease yknow its like how he teases the members with food :’’)

like on normal days all he wants is to hug you but seeing you flustered is wayyy more amusing

so this is just him being a piece of shit when he teases you to no ends

like if you want to hug him he’ll just run away from you 

or if you want to kiss him he’s gonna tiptoe so that you cant reach him

and then when you’re done asf with him and walk away

he’s gonna swoop in and just smother you with love and affection

but i see him being a real softie whenever he’s tired

will be pretty whiny and clingy when all he wants to do it sleep

and you’re not gonna have the heart to tease him for all the times he did it to you

because he looks too tired and cute

so you’ll let him do what he wants without denying him of your attention

and he’s just gonna cuddle up to you and will probs be the little spoon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

changbin

okay now we have the darkest member of sk

but also the aegyo king

this duality

smh

but yes getting onto business

i see him really valuing acts of services 

if you see him struggling with something

a simple “can i help” or “is there something i can do” will make his heart go boom boom

because although he knows you can’t really help when he’s stuck with composing or writing

the fact that you thought about him and are willingly asking to help will warm his heart

also loves it when you help him clean up or cook for him

although he feels really bad for making you do it

but deep down he’s just loving it

like all he’d want to do is go home and sleep but thinking about the mess in his room and his grumbling stomach will overpower any thoughts of sleep

when he reaches home, tho, his room is clean and there’s some tasty ass food on the table

and these are the times he just goes asdfldksjf and attacks you with all the hugs and kisses

but this doesn’t mean he takes advantage of you oh no

when you’re having a busy day and he’s at home

you’re gonna come home to a clean ass house, some takeout food and the smell of smoke coming from the kitchen

he tried his best to cook but clearly didn’t succeed

hyunjin

okay this was surprisingly the most difficult to write

because hyunjin is still a mystery

one moment he’s chic 

and the next he’s goofing around with the members

so i think with him it will really depend on the time of the day and his general mood

but mostly he will really value quality time with you

but physical touch will also play an important role in the relationship

rmb when he said that he loves woojin because woojin doesn’t reject his cuddles

my point proven ladies and gentlemen

he will always be touching you one way or another when ya’ll are together

because this boy just can’t get enough of you

loves it when you feed him because he is a sOft boi

his favourite is when you sit on the counter while feeding him and he just stands in between your legs

because then he can see you eye to eye

and just admire you

is the type to interrupt you in a conversation by giving you small pecks

because why not

but at the same time while these cutesy things happen

talking about yourselves will play a very important role to him

because then he will trust you more and open up more and more

which is the most important thing for a lasting relationship

so for this boy, quality time and physical touch will have to go hand in hand

can i get a hwang hyunjin for myself (ಥ﹏ಥ)

jisung (han)

this squirrel

will looooooooove receiving gifts 

not that it’s a necessity for him

like even if you don’t buy the gifts it’s fine

but it’s the thought behind the gift that gets him all feeling squishy and cheesy and all that mush

going back to my point of not buying the gift

he loves handmade gifts more than anything

even a simple message on a torn piece of post-it that has lost its stickiness will mean the world to him

especially when he hasn’t seen you in a long time

he will feel bad if you buy him expensive gifts all the time

because he feels like he should be the one spoiling you

but even if you buy him a rock and told him it reminded you of him

you best bet he’s going to worship that rock to the ends of the world

that’s just the kind of softie he is

loves it when you leave small letters around the house for him to find

the thrill of finding a letter that you put your thought into drives him crazy

will keep every single thing you give him in a memory box and will actually lock it because he doesn’t want the members ruining it 

not because he doesn’t want them to know about it

because trust me the moment you give him something he’s gonna be screaming about it for the next few days to the rest of stray kids

and they’re gonna call you crying asking you to shut him up

felix

this soft bub here deserves all the love in the world

all of them do

but like this boy strikes me as the type who just needs words of affirmation

like you know how he was beaming when jyp complimented him during the final mission on his korean

yes exactly

that’s how happy he gets

i feel like he will constantly need someone to remind him that he deserves everything he has and more

ofc he doesn’t expect you to be praising him non stop

but he appreciates constructive criticism more than just blatant rejection like how jyp did him dirty in ep 8

anyways

telling him that “it was really good but this part could’ve been better” and actually helping him get better will mean a lot to him

which also leads me to think that quality time will also be one of his top love languages

anyone who is willing to hype him up when he’s at his best but also spend time with him when he needs improving is someone he will appreciate for the rest of his life

also loves it when you send him soft messages at ass o’clock because he’ll wake up to your messages

and it’ll immediately make his day so much better

even if he has 10000 schedules that day

pls love him 

seungmin

seungmin strikes me as the type to be really practical about life

and just about the outlook of things

so any acts of service will be enough to get him going asdlfjksaksdljf

because i feel like he is the type to believe “actions speak louder than words”

so if you want to express your love for him, he would appreciate gestures that show your love rather than just you saying that you love him

he’ll never get tired of you asking him if he has eaten or if he has gotten to his destination safely 

because to him it shows that you love and care for him that you are willing to ask him these things

also like changbin, will love it if you help him out with his work

he doesn’t expect you to help him but will be extra extra grateful if you were to help him

especially when he doesn’t ask you to

like if he has a habit of leaving some things around and then forgetting where he put them

and you make an effort to remember this and maybe help him create a space where he can leave these things

this is the shit he signs up for

this shit right here

so if you wanna make your way into this squishy left cheeked boy’s heart, empty words are a no no

stop sleeping on this amazing snail tyvm this has been a psa

jeongin (i.n)

this busan baby that’s killing everyone 

it’s busan’s water i tell you

anyhoo

jeongin is still at an age where i think the maturity in terms of relationships really hasn’t kicked in 

because they’ve been practising for debut and stuff which makes me think he hasn’t had time to really experience the world of romance

so i think he will really love receiving gifts 

bcs he’s a baby

and which baby doesn’t like gifts

but also at the same time

i think he is someone who likes spending quality time > gifts

you know when you’re at that age where all you wanna do is be with your s/o all the time

yep that’s him

he wants to talk to you about his day, his worries, his dreams, this dog he saw on the road and just basically anything 

as long as you’re willing to share everything that happens with you as well

because you naturally form a deeper bond when you share these things

so after a day at practice he’ll come home and join you in front of the tv

but no one’s gonna be watching that shit

ya’ll will just talk about your day and everything that happened while the sound of the tv just serves as background music for your deep talks

also loves loves spending time singing karaoke with you

even if you sound like a dying whale

totally serenades you with trot songs

and it works

because how can you resist this cutie with his braces

∞ end ∞

#district9net #stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids headcanons #bang chan #lee minho #lee know #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #han #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #i.n #dee scribbles

[contextualstudieslorena]

Interviewing Emma Quick on Taxidermy

Have you ever been interviewed?

Erm, yeah actually few times now for some bands that I used to play (guitar and bass) in and also for a taxidermy magazine... that doesn't make this any easier though. I definitely prefer the role of the interviewer, although this is my first time doing that!

Have you ever given an interview before?

What/Who got you into Taxidermy?

Well I have to say that my magic 8 ball never saw this ever being something that I would do as a job once 'grown-up' but like mosty people who get into it, I've always been fasinated by Taxidermy since I was a kid. I think that interest stems back to a local Bradford museum that my mum used to take me to when little, which had a big glass display full of all sorts of native animals. That question of 'how did they get in there' really stayed with me. I didn't have a clue! I had been working a pretty serious and well paid corporate job up until about 5 years ago but thanks to an major extitenial crisis, I deciced to leave the industry, go travelling (again) and try and find a more creative path for myself once back. I booked myself in for a taxidermy day course thinking it would be nothing more than a small distraction and an opportuinity to learn but I got on so well with the two women running the course that they asked me to come back and be a part time apprentice for them. Everything just sort of took off from there.

What are your family’s/friends opinions on Taxidermy?

My family are all very supportive as are my friends but I did have a few people asking me when I would get a 'proper job' again during the first couple of years. People views on taxidermy can be quite polarised and the problem with that can be that people just don't know enough about the process or how things are procured. The main difference between a friend and an angry finger-pointing stranger is usual just that they are more comfortable to ask questions and find out more. Believe me, I had a steep learning curve there myself and a lot of moral questions around it but realising it's no longer just all men out shooting for throphies and now largerly a female based craft using only natural death and bi-products makes a big difference, for a start.

How do you think Taxidermy changes the world, what idea would you like to bring when you do it?

I don't think I would say it changes the world now but I think it's fair to say it did. I have very strong feeling against early traditional taxidermy as the animals were nearly always hunted and killed for purpose which just makes me so sad and angry but I guess I can see some ductional value in what the Victorians were trying to do in term of documenting natural history.

What are the good and bad things about Taxidermy?

The good is taking something that would usually be throw in the bin, incinerated or just rot away and making it into something that someone will love for years to come. The bad is the awful history of early taxidermy and the few people who still see it as ok to hunt in order to mount their animals (I'm looking at you, America).

What is your opinion on people who hunt animals with the purpose of Taxidermy?

Oh my god, well if you can't tell already... these people absolutely disgust me. Thankfully it very rare that I come into contact with them. My biggest consideration around what I work on is around trusted supply - nearly everything I use comes from registered conversationalist, animal sanctuaries and vets, and the rest is either found or brought in by my cats/friend's cats. I was very careful to seek out and interogate any contacts I was put in touch to ensure any animal I work on is from unavoidable death. I don't pay anyone for animals, only the postage costs so I can be sure there are no gains to be made from their death. This doesn't stop the odd person offering me something for money that I can feel in my bones has been killed, or the odd yank making some comment on my instagram thinking i'm down with hunting too. Blocked!

How do you think Taxidermy impacts the way people see animals?

I'm not sure about that but it definitely did make me see animals, and even humans in quite a new light. Learning about anatomy first-hand was so interesting to me and you really do start to look and see bodies differently once you get into that. We all seem a little more fragile now than we did before.

How do people's opinions on Taxidermy affect you?

Hmm, this is a tricky one for me. I'm naturally very sensitive and empathic by nature so I don't like to see anyone upset by what I do. I also totally understand that without delving into the subject and learning about the more modern side of the craft, that I expected most people to have some issues with it. I've had a few people contact me through my shop to tell me how evil I am and that i'll burn in hell etc etc (also, usually American) but I never retaliate with negativity. On the few occasions this has happened I have taken the time to write back and explain a little about how I obtain my animals and to my surprise, nearly all of them came back later to thank me for 'opening their eyes' and explaining. A couple even offered to buy something after! You can't write this stuff! I'd much rather people fire questions at me than get angry because they don't understand how it's all done or what my ethics are.

What, in your opinion, makes a good Taxidermist?

Someone who sincerely cares about animal protection and conversation.

What is your own opinion on people who stuff their own animals?

Have you ever had a bad experience with Taxidermying an animal?

Well I get them in all sorts of states, sometimes in terrible conditions. ie: Nearly every fox i've ever received has been hit by a car (bloody humans again!) or too far gone re decay. I never really get over the feeling of sadness if something is too rotten to work on but on the otherhand, i've managed to restore so many animals to their former glory that it sort of makes up for it, it's such an amazing and emotional feeling to bring something 'back'.

Do you feel a certain weight/responsibility when Taxidermying?

Always. Everytime I receive and work on something. This is the most important part of taxidermy for me. It also matters who my customers are and if they share the same ethical beliefs. I've found that nearly all of them do too.

How does the pandemic affect you as a Taxidermist? #

Yeah, it's been a struggle as most of what I receive is found so less people walking, less supply. I've really noticed an increase in people trying it out over this past year though - i guess the pandemic has been a good time for hobbiests.

Is there something that you would like people to know about Taxidermy?

I guess what I didn't realise is how much emotional attachment people make to the finished pieces. If i'm having a bad day I might take a look at some of my reviews as customers really do gush over what i've sent out and am bowled over about how much love there is for them. I often get people's life stories when working commisions and found that people don't see them as just a dead animal. They can hold all sorts of emtional ties to lost pets and lost loved ones and other such things. I'm often asked to make memorial pieces, or something that marks a certain stage in their lives. I couldn't have continued doing this if i just thought they were seen a a cool 'prop' for the mantlepiece.

Also, that it's really not as bloody, smelly or dirty as you might think (if you are any good, that is).

What are some stereotypes about Taxidermy that upset you?

Ha, there is no such thing as a positive taxidermy sterotype in film and tv tropes. We are always the murderers and phsycos! God i could list off a hundred films which include a sinsiter blood-splattered taxidermist with evil intent, and i'm sure some do exist but in real life, try and get to know us and you'll generally find good-hearted people. I won't say this upsets me because again, I understand how the craft is perceived and plus, I have a pretty dark sense of humour so it's easy enough to laugh this kind of thing off.

Have you always been interested in animals?

Yeah I've been a real nature girl ever since I can remember, certainly my first and last love. I'm definitely one of those weirdos who prefers animals to people and have had loads of different pets around the home throughout my childhood - Dogs (dog i love dogs!), cats, mice, gerbils, rabbits, ferrets and snakes to name just a few. My sister and I were brought up to love and care for creatures as much as my mum does - she is bascially like Ms Doo-little, taking in strays and injured animals and making sure they find homes and the treatment they need. It made me chuckle to myself reading Lorena's answers as very simiarly, me and my sis were young members of all sorts of wildlife groups when we were little and were always reading some sort of wildlife encycolpedia or heading off to the woods while our mates were more interested in mum's lipstick etc.

Was it hard for you to be interested in such a different form of art when it comes to finding materials to use?

Are there any Tv shows/artists/documentaries, etc that you recommend people watch to learn more about Taxidermy?

Erm, yeah this can be hard given how we taxidermist are perceived but I am starting to see a few documentaries pop up about modern day practices which is a welcomed change. I remember the bad film portrayals better than the few doc but i think even Netflix has one film called 'Stuffed' on it currently which does help provide a more realitic view of the craft.

Why do you think a lot of people see Taxidermy in a negative way?

What would you tell someone if they want to start practising Taxidermy?

That there is so much to learn and you'll never really stop learning. It's a difficult thing to do right and does take years of practice. I've spoken to people who have done it for over 30 years who still consider themselves as ameatures. My main tip would be to ensure your supply is a clean one and you are not adding any more unneccessary pain to the world.

What is something you would like to tell people about Taxidermy (a random fact or just a curiosity)

I once read that taxidermy started because of the Platypus. The explorers who found it did not believe it was a real animal and that someone had artifically created it so they disected one and sent it back to scientists to validate the strange (and very lovely little) creature, or so the story goes....

Please add here any additional information or commentaries that you find that are interesting to people who aren’t very familiar with Taxidermy.

[enniewritesathing]

OC question tag - Rules: 1. Pick a character you’ve created. 2. Fill in the questions/statements as if you were that character. 3. Tag at least four people to do this meme

QUESTIONS:

1. What is your name?

It’s Brian Antonio Fitzgerald.

2. Do you know why you were named that?. 

Well, I haven’t a clue. I knew that if I would’ve been born a girl, it would’ve been Brianna Antoniette. Which seems to me that they found out at the last minute and switched it on the spot. That’s lazy, huh?

3. Single or taken?

Taken by John. Or did I take him? 

4. Stop being a Mary Sue!

(sharp laugh) Do you see this face? 

5. What’s your eye color?

They look green in most light, but they’re hazel. It’s hard to tell, but they’re is brown in there. It just means I’m not full of shit.

6. How about hair color?

Brown as a tree.

7. Have you any family members?

What about them?

8. Oh, how about pets?

We adopted -- well, I found our cat, Spaghetti. Funny thing that it was sort of spur. See, we lived in the penthouse in San Myshuno -- but there was a strict no pets policy. After the policy was changed, I had an idea. I knew that John adores cats, but he was never able to have one because of the policies -- there and other places we lived and that his mom was allergic to cats. He’d always feed the strays or play with them. And for whatever reason, they loved him too.

I browsed the pet agency and there she was, a tiny kitten. I visited it and... it was one of those love at first sights. I immediately signed up for the waitlist; I waited until I got the bid to tell him. I showed him pictures of her -- and I didn’t tell him that I had already adopted her and just waiting until she was old enough. When I was going to break the news, he had news himself -- that he had saved up and he bought a house down in Brindleton Bay... our house. 

When I told him that the kitten I’d show him was ours, John cried. I cried because he cried and that we have a home together... and then we cried again when we picked her up. she was just so tiny. John carried her everywhere...

and now we have this lovely twelve pound cat that sheds way too much. Seriously, you know how many lint rollers I go through a week? But, I love her anyway. She catches bugs, she’s very polite... in the winter time, she’s a portable heater. She keeps me company when I’m studying or doing work. The only downside of Spaghetti? She snores. You can hear her across the house. 

9. That’s cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don’t like?

When I’m out with John and they look at me and then back at him with a very raised eyebrow. Or when he mentions that I’m his boyfriend and they look at me like I shouldn’t be in his radar or something. It’s called differences.

10. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

Back in the day, I took up fencing, cross country running, and track and field. If you wanna look at this way, I became good at running away from my problems and stabbing them every now and then. (laughs)

I don’t have much time to do either given my work. Does sleep count as an activity? I like to sleep.

11. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

Yeah. I’m in no way proud of it, either.

12. Ever… killed anyone before?

Unfortuntately. It’s not something I like to think about.

13. What kind of animal are you?

Hmm... one of those birds that has an awful call. Y’know, one of calls that doesn’t sound like it should be coming out of anything, and then you hear it in the middle of the night and it’s all spooky? Yeah, that bird.

14. Name your worst weaknesses.

I push myself. I don’t take care of myself. When I was in college, studying was my life. I became so focused that once I went two days without sleep and barely ate. Didn’t even know it. I got mad at John for trying to interrupt my studying because, y’know, medical school is hard. There’s always a test, always an exam. I nearly fried myself in trying to be the top student. I may have had a nervous breakdown because of it. 

15. Do you look up to anyone at all?

I look up to myself. 

16. Are you straight, gay or bisexual?

Oh, I’m gay.

17. Do you go to school?

I’m thinking of going back for my Masters. At the same time, that’s more debt and I’m not sure if I want to go through that all of that stress again... 

18. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

Of course. It’s a big step, and I think we’re in a position that it’s possible and not struggle, y’know, but we still have a lot of time. 

19. Do you have fangirls/fanboys?

I’d be very surprised if I do. 

20. What are you most afraid of?

Failure. Not living up to expectations. 

21. What do you usually wear?

Medical scrubs. I can’t remember the last time I wore normal street clothes. John says I don’t have a sense of fashion because of it. 

22. What’s one food that tempts you?

Anything that has chocolate. I love chocolate. I could bathe in it. But that would lead to a lot of unpleasant infections. Believe me, I’ve treated patients that thought that. It’s not pretty. 

23. Am I annoying you?

No -- but I do have to get some rest before my next shift...

24. Well, it’s not over!

Hmm...

25. What class are you (low class, middle class, high class)?

I think we’re middle class? We were in the low for a long time...

26. How many friends do you have?

Not that many, but I consider those who have stuck around me and dealt with my shit friends.

27. What are your thoughts on pie?

Euch. No thanks.

28. Favorite drink?  

Anything with vodka in it. John’s banned it from the house because of some incidents...

29. What’s your favorite place?

I love our house. It’s on this big lot; the beach is just beyond the rocks in our backyard. It’s not too hot or not too cold. I always open up the windows to let the ocean breeze in.

30. Are you interested in anyone?

Have you seen John? I highly doubt I could be interested in anyone else after seeing him. 

31. That was a stupid question.

It is!

32. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

The ocean. At least I don’t have to worry about flesh eating viruses lurking in the water. Then there’s sharks, jelly fish, seaweed, riptides... 

33. What’s your type?

I like ‘em pretty. 

34. Any fetishes?  

I have a drawer full of ‘em. Tying John up is always a fun thing to do...

35. Seme or Uke?

Boy, this is a good question... but I’m not a big fan of roles anymore. It’s too strict. John and I found that real quick. I don’t quite have the characteristics of a seme except I’m taller than him. My fashion sense is awful. And I’m not an asshole. I guess Uke. Are there any aggressive Ukes? Hm.

36. Camping or indoors?  

I prefer outdoors, actually. I guess I can chalk that up to my younger days. To be out under the stars when it’s just you and Mother Nature, and you know that if you can survive out here, you can survive anywhere else is a nice feeling to have. 

#oc: brian #ts4 #sims 4 #the sims 4 #not formally tag #oc ask game

[thatishogwash]

In the Forest

KuroDai Week 2017

May 8, 2017

Day Three: Childhood

Summary: Tetsurou had never believed in magic or fairies, until he realized he was married to one.

Warnings: None

AO3

When Tetsurou’s mother asked him to go out the country and take care of his grandmother for a while he had no problem agreeing.  His mother would have done it but taking any extended amount of time off from her job would not work.  She had fought long and hard to get her nursing license and managed to get a job in an ER.  Tetsurou had just graduated college and didn’t have any future prospects besides mooching off his mother and trying to find a job.  Plus Tetsurou loved his grandmother and hadn’t seen her in years.

Tetsurou’s mother had gotten pregnant at 16 and her parents had helped raise Tetsurou until he was 10 and they moved to Tokyo.  Tetsurou’s grandfather had passed away a year prior, a sickness took him before Tetsurou or his mother could even make it back out the country to say their goodbyes.  He knew his grandmother took it the hardest, though she’d never admit to needing help.  The Kuroo’s were all stubborn like that.  She had taken a hard fall and needed help around the house and small shop she owned.

Being back in the country after 13 years in the city was odd.  He had visited several times over the past decade or so, but they had always been brief visits.  He had new friends and he liked the buzzing of the city.  Akari, Tetsurou’s grandmother, had kept the small bedroom he had when he was a child basically the exact same.  It was like walking into a time capsule of when he was a child.

The bedding was new, no more Star Wars comforter set for him.  But the wooden desk his grandfather had made him was still there, sturdy and darkly stained.  The several shelves his grandfather had put up were there, along with his old knick knacks he hadn’t brought with him to Tokyo.  An old blue first place ribbon, a broken robot toy, a jar full of colorful rocks with a flower crown around it.

Tetsurou lifted his hand to the flower crown, remembered when he was younger and had to stand on his tiptoes to put anything up on the shelf.  His childhood memories sometimes felt fuzzy, but he guessed that’s what happened when over a decade of time had passed.  He remembered a wedding, surrounded by faceless old friends and a boy with a gentle smile.  Tetsurou almost laughed out loud, remembering that he had gotten married when he was seven years old.  He couldn’t believe he had forgotten.

Akari must have replaced the old flower crown with a fresh one.  She had a lush garden and there is no way a flower crown would look that perfect after 16 years.

When Tetsurou touched the crown it moved and something fell down between the wall and where the old shelf had warped, leaving a small gap in the back.  Tetsurou knelt down to the ground and picked up a worn piece of leather with a ring attached.  It was just a simple band, or it would have been except it looked like it was made out of resin with tiny blue and white flowers stuck inside.

His wedding ring.

Tetsurou stood up, examining the ring and wondered how a 7 year old could have gotten a hold of it.  He couldn’t even remember the name of his husband, though it was on the tip of his tongue.  Tetsurou guessed the other boys parents had made them the same way his grandfather made him a wooden sword to play with and his grandmother made him treats to take with him.

“Always bring fairies gifts when you visit them Tetsu, they particularly like sweet things.”  Tetsurou blinked at his grandmothers voice in his mind, reminding him about the fairies who lived deep in the forest that surrounded the small country town.  Tetsurou grinned as he pulled on the necklace, tucking it inside his black tank top.  He had forgotten how much his grandmother believed in a magical forest, though his younger self had eaten up every story she had told him.

“Grand-” Tetsurou’s train of thought about fairies and childhood husbands were cut off as he saw his grandmother struggling with a box.  “Let me get that.”

“You just got here and you must be very tired from your travels,” His grandmother said but allowed him to take the box from her.  She was tall and willowy, just like Tetsurou and his own mother, but years had stooped her back and carved soft wrinkles on her face.

“This is what I’m here for, where does this need to go?”  Tetsurou said with a grin, bending down and allowing his grandmother to kiss his cheek before putting him to work around the house and shop.

The next couple weeks passed in a quiet and peaceful manner.  Tetsurou wasn’t use to that, hadn’t really had a calm moment since he had started college.  It was all rushing around, writing papers and studying for tests while trying to have a social life and practicing hard to be a proper member of the swim team.  Tetsurou had survived off of cat naps and an unhealthy amount of energy drinks.

“Grandmother, do you remember any of the other children I hung out with when I was younger?”  Tetsurou asked as he finished up his sweeping of the store.  He had tugged in a comfortable chair for his grandmother to sit on when he first started working in the store and she refused to go sit down and rest.  “I don’t remember any of their names and I haven’t seen any of them around town.”  He touched the ring that was hidden underneath his shirt, not sure why he continued to wear it except that it was a pretty thing.

“No I don’t imagine they would be walking around town.”  His grandmother said with a grin that reminded Tetsurou of his own.  A bit sly and mischevious, full of ‘I know something you don’t know’ which is all well and good when he was the one who knew something but not so much when other people were keeping it from him.

“What does-”

“Ah, that will be Hana, please go grab her package from the back Tetsu.”  His grandmother turned happily to converse with the older woman who entered the store as Tetsurou went to the back to get the package.

The town was peaceful for the most part but there were odd things that Tetsurou kept noticing.  No one ventured out into the woods, not even children which struck Tetsurou as very weird.  His childhood memories might but fuzzy but he remembered running through the trees quite often.  Everything shut down when the sun set, which wasn’t that strange for a small country town but no one left their homes at night, not even to enjoy the nice weather in their own backyard.

The edges of his grandmother's garden started to wither and wilt.  Tetsurou stared at it through the window and even offered to help pull out the dead flowers but his grandmother wouldn’t let him near it.  Tetsurou remembered getting a small plant from his childhood husband and planting it in the clear dirt.  The next day an entire array of different flowers were there.  Tetsurou knew it must be his imagination as a kid, an entire garden didn’t pop up from one seed.

Then a little girl went missing.

Tetsurou put on his shoes near the door, grabbing his old worn flannel and tying it around his waist.  It was too warm for the flannel now but if they were out very late he might need it when the sun went down.  He also grabbed a torch, flicking it on and off to make sure it worked properly, before shoving it into the small bag he had which already had a water and some treats, along with his cell phone.

“Tetsu-” His grandmother’s hand clenched tightly to his tank top.

“I’ll be careful, plus I use to go through those woods all the time when I was a kid.”  Tetsurou smiled, kissing her on the forehead to try and soothe her worry.

“Things are different than when you were a child.”  His grandmother was constantly saying things like that, but whenever he questioned her she always changed the subject.  “Don’t go too far into the forest, don’t stray from the path, and take these.”  They were little candies his grandmother had made, he put them in his bag as he remembered that fairies liked sweet things.  He wondered if his grandmother had thought a fairy had taken the girl.

“I’ll be fine.”  Tetsurou hugged her carefully before he trudged outside and jogged over to the town center where the search party was assembling itself.

They began their slow search, calling out the little girl's name and waiting for an answer that never came.  They stayed on the path in the woods, though Tetsurou thought that was a bit odd.  He had never stayed on the path as a kid.  His companions got stiffer and more anxious the further they went in, and it was Tetsurou who was doing most of the yelling for the girl.

“Hey what’s that?”  The two men and one woman with him jumped and turned towards where he was pointing.  Off in the distance, nearly hidden by a bush was something long and yellow.  The picture they had been shown of the girl had her with a yellow ribbon in her hair.

“We shouldn’t go off the path.”  The oldest of them spoke up as Tetsurou took a step towards it.  Tetsurou almost sympathized with them.  There was something dark and ominous about the woods right then, something in his hind brain was telling him to leave.  He hadn’t remembered ever being afraid in the woods when he was a kid.

“I think that might be her yellow hair ribbon.”  Tetsurou might sympathize with them, if a little girl wasn’t missing.  “Yachi!”  Tetsurou shouted as he moved towards the ribbon, leaving the trail and his companions behind.  It’s not as if anything dangerous existed in these woods and the little girl could have fallen down and was hurt.

“Yachi!”  Tetsurou tried again, nearing the ribbon now.  It was a little frayed and dirty but it was about waist high, which should be around the size of the girl.  “Yachi, can you hear me?”  Tetsurou yelled as he stopped by the ribbon and reached out to grab it.

“Gotcha.”  Someone whispered in his ear before his whole world went dark and upside down.

Tetsurou grunted in pain as his shoulder was slammed against the ground, his feet swept from underneath him and it took him a moment of sheer panic and confusion to realize he was in some sort of sack.  Tetsurou was horribly confused because he was neither a small or light man, he was tall and weighed quite a bit, especially since his grandmother kept making him homemade meals and treats.

Tetsurou yelled and struggled with renewed energy.  His shoulder throbbed but now wasn’t the time to worry about it.  He was jostled around and he hit a couple things but he knew he was moving.  What kind of monster could pick up a fully grown man and lug him around like nothing?

As suddenly as Tetsurou was grabbed, he was dropped.  His head bounced off the ground and he lost track of time for a moment before the sack was ripped away.

“Look Kenma!  I did good, right?  I came up with the plan all by myself!”  A too loud voice shouted as Tetsurou tried to regain his bearings.  He felt like he was swimming through fudge.

“What did you do now Lev?”  There was a shuffling sound and then a sharp inhale.  Loud boistirious laughter had Tetsurou sitting straight up but that really was a mistake.  “Lev you absolute idiot!  They are going to string you up by your toes!”

“What?  No!  I did good!”  The first voice shouted, petulant.

“He’s bleeding,” A soft voice interrupted and everything went quiet before a face was shove directly into Tetsurou’s.  “I wouldn’t do that.”  The same soft voice warned.  Tetsurou gathered his leg back and kicked out, directly into the guy's chest.  The guy went flying, which would have been funny under any other circumstance.

“Forget being hung up by your toes, the King is going to skin you alive.”  Tetsurou forced himself to focus, making out the three people around him.  He must have taken a harder hit to the head than he thought because these people had feline ears and tails and claws-

“I think I’m going to throw up.”  Tetsurou put his head down, shutting his eyes tight before peeking up at them.  Nope, ears and all were still there.

“I didn’t know humans were so fragile!”  A tall, far too tall, man walked out.  His eyes were an unnatural shade of green and slitted down the middle like a cats.

“You try being shoved into a sack and bounced along the ground and see how well you do!”  Tetsurou shouted, grabbing a branch and whacking the tall feline-human-thing with it.  He howled and jumped back.  The guy with the mohawk howled with laughter.  Somehow it was familiar.

“We should get him to Suga,” There was the quiet one, smaller than the rest and almost hunched in on himself as if he was trying to make himself even smaller.  Something tugged on Tetsurou’s mind but it was so scrambled from everything going around him that he wasn’t sure he wanted to pull on that particular thread.

“No Kenma, I don’t want to be skinned alive!”  The tall one shouted, whining loudly.  Tetsurou threw the branch at him and was satisfied when he let out an oof when it connected.

“Like hell I’m going anywhere with you!”  Tetsurou shouted, which only hurt his head more.

“Kuro,” Tetsurou was shocked at the nickname as the small one knelt next to him.  His eyes were amber in color, slitted down the middle and his two-toned hair fell in his face.  Something tugged at Tetsurou’s mind and he bit down on the urge to lash out at this one the same one he had hit the tall one.  “We need to get you patched up, Suga will help.”  Tetsurou watched with interest as the guys tail wrapped around Tetsurou’s leg, once, twice and something relaxed inside of him.

“I was friends with a Kenma when I was little,” Tetsurou said softly, unsure.  Kenma smiled, just a small twitch of his lips.

“If it helps, a couple people will most likely hit Lev when they realize what he’s done.”  The man with the mohawk knelt next to Kenma, a little protectively but grinning widely.  “It’ll be funny, especially when Yaku gets ahold of him.”

“Don’t tell Yaku!”  The one called Lev pleaded from the spot where he was pouting.  “I was only trying to help.”  He said quieter.

Kenma reached out to help Tetsurou to his feet, but Tetsurou cringed when his shoulder was touched.

“How much damage did you do him dumbass?”  The mohawked one yelled, storming over to Lev to dig his knuckles into Lev’s silver head of hair in a painful looking nugee.

Tetsurou managed to get to his feet but he feel woozy.

“Night falls soon.”  Kenma said softly, his eyes full of worry as he looked over Tetsurou.  “Whistle, maybe he’ll come.”

“Or he’ll attract something else with all the bleeding he’s doing, I’m Taketora incase you forgot.”  His mohawk was blonde, which matched his twitching ears that had a string of gold hoops through them.  Tetsurou wasn’t sure why he was listening to them, why he was standing there chatting amicably with what was either a hallucination or fairies.  Fairies, damn him for stepping off the path.

Tetsurou whistled because he wasn’t quite sure what else to do and he wasn’t really all that surprised when nothing happened.

“Wait,” Kenma said, as if he could read Tetsurou’s mind.  His left ear twitched, shifting back and Tetsurou couldn’t even believe he was getting use to seeing feline features on a human-looking man.

Something cantered through the trees.  Tetsurou jumped and then cringed in pain before he could clearly make out the creature.  It was a deer, one the size of a large horse with a wide head of bone-white antlers that were covered in moss and flowers.

“You were at my wedding,” Tetsurou said before he could really think about it.  The deer stepped forward, bending down and Tetsurou realized he was being bowed to, by a mythical looking deer.  Tetsurou reached out hesitantly with his good arm, was surprised when the deer pushed his large head into Tetsurou’s palm.

“This is touching and all but we should really be going.”  Taketora helped Tetsurou onto the back of the deer.  Riding him made his shoulder throb but the forest past by in a blur.

Tetsurou didn’t understand what was happening, even as part of him accepted in whole heartedly.  He didn’t believe in magic or fairies, did he?  He thought the fogginess of his childhood was normal but maybe it was more magical than he thought.  The deer had been smaller when he was little, his antlers just little stubs on his head.  Tetsurou couldn’t believe he had forgotten that he use to play with a fawn when he was little.

“Suga!”  Taketora hollers loudly when they come to a stop.  Tetsurou slides off of the deers back, keeping a hand on the animals legs to keep himself upright as he stares in awe at what he can only think of as a town around him.

Some of the houses are little more than wooden shacks while several are rather intricate.  Some roll out of the dirt like little hobbit holes, covered in grass and dirt.  Tetsurou follows Taketora’s line of sight, startling when he realizes there are houses in the trees.  Huge wooden buildings that seem to blend in with the foliage, long wood and rope made into a bridge connecting them all.

“Tora why are you yelling?”  A pale man swings down from the tall trees with ease.  Huge beautiful white wings spread out behind him.  He looks delicate and strangely dangerous in the way most exotic birds do.  Something pulls at Tetsurou’s mind and he doubles over, groaning and holding his head as his shoulder throbs.  “Why have you brought a human here?”

“Lev kidnapped Tetsurou.”  Taketora said without remorse as Lev wailed in the background.

“What?”  The pale man asked, voice strained.

“Please don’t tell Yaku!”  Lev pleaded.

“Tell me what?”  Another voice asked but Tetsurou couldn’t look up, his head was killing him.  A gentle hand rubbed at his back.

“What did you do Lev?”  The pale man was closer now, leaning down and prodding at Tetsurou’s wounds, which did not help at all.

“Suga stop!”  Tetsurou was shocked when he grabbed Suga’s hand, more surprised when he actually knew who the winged man was.  “How do I- why-”

“This is exactly why human adults aren’t allowed here Lev,” Suga scolded.

“You brought a human here!”  A voice shouted, angry.

“Not just any human, hello Tetsurou, it’s been quite a while for you, hasn’t it?”  Suga’s smile was soft but there was something hard in his eyes.  A deeply buried hurt that was threatening to drown him.  Tetsurou wasn’t sure how he knew that.  “I can heal you quite easily but first I have to pop your shoulder back into its joint.”

“That sounds like it’s going to hurt.”  Tetsurou sat down fully on the ground.

“No, not at all.  Hardly feel a thing.”  Suga grasped Tetsurou’s arm, his grip surprisingly strong.  He pulled suddenly and Tetsurou passed out.

Tetsurou didn’t think much time had passed, though he was on a pile of soft blankets and pillows and definitely inside.  There was a roaring fire and despite it being the beginnings of summer, it wasn’t too hot inside the small house.  For some reason Tetsurou was sure it belonged to Kenma, and he was partially glad for that since he would be several stories up in the air if he was in Kenma’s house.

“You lied.”  Tetsurou croaked out, his throat dry but he did feel a lot better.  His head was no longer pounding and there was only a slight soreness in his shoulder.

“The fair folk can’t lie.”  Suga said, which wasn’t exactly a lie.

“European fairies maybe.”  Tetsurou remembered his grandmother saying that Asian fairies loved to lie, especially to foolish humans who only believed in the European myths and thought they applied globally.

“I’m sorry you got pulled into this.”  Tetsurou thought that Suga was being untruthful again, or at least he wasn’t completely sorry.  Tetsurou sat up and shook his head at the tea cup offered to him, Suga grinned fully at that and sipped at the tea.  Don’t accept gifts from fairies.

“You were my friend when I was a kid,” Tetsurou said slowly, carefully as if he wasn’t quite sure if it was the truth but Suga nodded in agreement.

“I was at your wedding, though most of us attended it.”  Suga stretched his wings, just a little before he leaned forward, resting his chin on his fisted hand.  Up close Suga looked even less human.  His eyes were an ever changing shade of gray, his features soft and unearthly beautiful.

“Why did I forget all this?  How could I?”  Tetsurou asked in wonder, running a hand through his hair and finding it slightly damp.  They must have washed it to get the blood out.

“Human minds are so interesting, especially those of adults, you stop believing in magic so you blocked out anything that had to do with us.”  Suga didn’t sound offended.  Fairies are ancient, his grandmother's voice whispered in his ear.  He wondered if a decade was nothing to them.

“Something's wrong.”  Tetsurou said carefully.  Suga leaned back, his smile going stiff.

“You were always amazingly observant.”  Suga’s wings twitched as if in agitation.  “Something has happened to our King, we are connected to him and he is connected to the forest.  He has shut himself away to protect us all but something dark is taking over the forest.”  Suga looked down at his hands, which were long and thin.

“No one has tried to go to him?”  Tetsurou asked, he felt a strange sense of indignation at that though he wasn’t sure why.  He didn’t know the King, did he?

“Many have tried and none have returned.”  Suga’s shoulders slumped and Tetsurou suddenly felt awful, knew Suga must have lost someone close to him.  For some reason Tetsurou was sure Suga was close to the king himself.

“More and more of our kind go missing everyday.”  Tetsurou jumped, turned around to see two people standing there.  Though using the term people wasn’t quite right.  Unlike Suga, who appeared human from afar apart from his wings, these two could never be considered human.  Their legs were those of a birds and their wings looked like they were attached to their clawed arms.  Feathers curled up their necks and into their hair line.

“Hey hey hey Tetsu.”  The black and white one grinned, but it was a half hearted thing.  Tetsurou stood up and against his better judgement, embraced the creature.  He felt the sharp claws against his back but they didn’t puncture skin.

“Bo,” Koutarou was his name, though Tetsurou had always called him Bo.  His childhood best friend, the first fairy creature he had met when he had lost his way off the path that first time when he was just five years old.  Koutarou had led him home, cracking jokes and holding his hand in his tiny claws.  Tetsurou’s mother had been a crying mess, shouting and hugging him tightly when he got home.

“His memories are coming back,” The creature who had first spoke said, though it was directed at Suga.  Koutarou and Tetsurou pulled apart, both their eyes were glossy.

“Kenma said he trusted him from the beginning.”  Suga said.  Kenma had been his close friend too, quiet but full of snark.

“This is Keiji, he arrived after you left.”  Koutarou explained.  “Are you going to go?  Are you going to save Da-”

“Koutarou, please, this isn’t his responsibility.”  Keiji chided him gently, pulling Koutarou away from Tetsurou.  “He is human, he needs to get back to his own people.”

“A girl, a little girl was taken-” Tetsurou suddenly spoke up, though his instincts were telling him none of his old friends had anything to do with it but he still had to ask.

“We know, we went out searching for her but-” Koutarou made a soft sound, almost like a sad hoot.  “The darkness is growing stronger.”

“Please Koutarou.”  Keiji spoke up.

“He might be able to help!”  Koutarou whined back.

“I agree with Koutarou.”  Suga said and everyone looked over at him.  “He might be our last chance.  If the darkness has grown strong enough to take a human child it won’t be long until it’s overtaken us and the human village.”

“Will someone please explain what’s going on?”  Tetsurou spoke up, a little aggravated.  “Lev obviously brought me here for a reason, he thought he was doing a good thing and it has something to do with this spreading darkness.  My grandmother lives in that town, if there’s something I can do to keep her safe than I’ll do it.”  Never make a deal with a fairy.  It was far too late for that advice.

“Some of us think you can get close to the king, close enough to help him.”  Koutarou pushed close, his heavily lidded eyes almost luminescent in the low lighting.

“Why would I be able to get close to him when none of you can?”  Tetsurou asked.

“Because of this.”  Koutarou pulled gently on the leather necklace, making the ring pop out from beneath Tetsurou’s tank top.  Tetsurou closed his eyes, saw a gentle smile on a chubby face.  “Do you remember?”

“Daichi,” Tetsurou whispered softly.

“The Crow King, our King.”  Suga said from behind him.

“But we were just children!  Kids fake weddings all the time.”  Tetsurou really didn’t know if fairy children pretended to get married or not but he knew it couldn’t possibly be binding, could it?

“If you’re going to pull him into this, you should tell him the whole truth.”  Keiji advised.

“Tetsurou, the truth is you could possibly walk to the dark forest and die there like many others before you have.”  Suga gently tugged Tetsurou around to face him.  “Which would mean there is nothing left of our king and we are all dead anyways, but if you can get through then you might be able to help him.”

“But why me?”  Tetsurou asked, a little breathless as the prospect of his muddy future.

“Weddings are simply ceremonial but even as little ones you and Daichi shared something that connected your very souls together, or did your adult mind block that out too?”  Suga asked, gently teasing him.  Did Tetsurou still feel that way?

“How long has this been happening?”  Tetsurou asked quietly.

“Time doesn’t really flow the same here as it does for humans.”  Suga said, a little hopelessly.

“A little over a year.”  Tetsurou wasn’t even all the surprised that Kenma was there, hiding as small cat beneath some covers.

Tetsurou had felt an itch beneath his skin that he could never quite scratch.  He had just thought it was because he was scheduled to graduate college and had no idea what to do with the rest of his life.  He had been restless, agitated constantly, and he was lucky that he could even pass his classes because his concentration was shot.  He had spoken to his mother and she had said it was normal.

But what if it was something more than facing an unknown future?  Tetsurou had known the Crow King when they were just small things, and he had felt at ease around him almost instantly.  Perhaps the reason why his childhood self had never followed the rules his grandmother taught him for dealing with the fair folk was because he knew Daichi would never let anything happen to him.  There were those who didn’t like a human child passing through the forest with ease but nothing bad had ever come of it.  From the moment Tetsurou had met him he had trusted him.  He had believed that was just how Daichi was, the boy who acted older than he looked who had shown him the spirits who danced amongst the fireflies and ran through the forest with him.

“How do I get there?”  Tetsurou asked because what else was he suppose to do?  Go home and wait for the darkness to swallow his childhood friends?

“I’ll show you.”  Koutarou offered easily.

“Koutarou no.”  Keiji pulled at him but Koutarou shrugged him off.

“Don’t worry Keiji, he’ll be safe with me!”  Koutarou grinned before he nuzzled Keiji’s neck, gentle and intimately.  “We’ll get your family back.”

They waited until the sun rose to head off.  Tetsurou spent the time mostly sleeping, waking up to Kenma using his head as a pillow.  Tetsurou wasn’t surprised when Kenma jumped up onto his shoulder, still in cat-form, and came with Koutarou and him on their journey.

“So Keiji, huh?”  Tetsurou elbowed Koutarou gently, who flushed but let out a big grin.

“He was out gathering herbs when his flock was taken by the darkness, we found him wandering around.”  Koutarou’s clawed hands curled into fists.  “He thinks he’s hiding it well, but he’s always sad.”

“How do you know if we save Daichi that the people who disappeared will come back?”  Tetsurou asked, crawling over a huge fallen tree.

“I believe in you,” Koutarou grinned once more, flying gracefully over the tree and landing several meters away from Tetsurou.  “And I think our king is fighting this with everything he has.”  Tetsurou can’t help but wonder if Daichi ever thought about him after he left, if he was upset or sad that Tetsurou never visited, had forgotten almost everything about him and this place.

“And what if he’s mad at me?”  Tetsurou couldn’t help but ask as the forest grew colder, darker, more threatening.  Vegetation began to die off, the trees became warped.  Kenma pressed closer to Tetsurou’s neck, his soft purring had gone quiet a while ago.

“Why would he be mad at you?”  Koutarou asked, genuinely confused.  “Oh for leaving?  We knew you’d come back, we were just waiting.”  Tetsurou felt sudden warmth fill him despite the chill in the air.  Koutarou never doubted him, believed in him completely even though he was just a regular human.

“How are we supposed to get through that?”  Tetsurou asked, frowning deeply as he stared at the layers of thick black thorne's blocking their path.  It seemed to spread high above them and go off in both directions.

“This um- wasn’t here the last time-” Koutarou fidgeted, clawing at the thornes before hopping back over to Tetsurou when it accomplished nothing.  Suddenly Kenma jumped down from his shoulder, hissing off to the left.  “Tetsu move!”  Koutarou pulled Tetsurou out of the way as something barrelled out of the trees.

It looked as warped as their surroundings.  Flesh was falling off of it, and it looked like a wolf on steroids.  Its eyes were empty sockets, teeth sharp and bloody.  Koutarou let out a screech at it, meeting it dead on when it lunged forward.  Kenma yowled, body shifting until he was quite large, long incisors poking out making him look like a sabre tooth tiger, or something that ate sabre tooth tigers.  He attacked a second hellbeast but a third lunged at Tetsurou.

Tetsurou tripped backwards, heart pounding wildly in his chest before he had realized he was about to make a very painful connection with the thorn vines.  Tetsurou tried to grab for something but there was nothing but air before he fell hard onto the ground.  He quickly scrambled back as the creature circled around for him but the vines filled up the space Tetsurou had fallen through.

“Bo!”  Tetsurou shouted as the creature tried to get to him but was stopped by the thick thorny vines.

“Go!  We’ve got this!”  Koutarou shouted.  Tetsurou turned around, came face to face with more vines and swallowed down his sudden rush of fear.  He carefully crawled forward, shocked when the vines pulled back and made a path for him as he left the fight behind.

Tetsurou felt like he crawled for a long time but suddenly he was free and clear of them completely and stood up to look at his surroundings.

It was a nightmare scene, everything look twisted and warped.  Fear made Tetsurou’s steps heavy, made his breathe come out in short gasps.  For some reason he clutched at the ring on the leather cord, he wasn’t sure why it made him feel a bit better but it did.

Something moved to Tetsurou’s right, making him jump and almost run away but he took a closer look and recognized the person.  

Asahi looked drained, his skin a sickly yellow color, his eyes surrounded by dark bruises.  He was hunched over a smaller body, curled up almost protectively around it even though it looked like a strong wind would break him.  Something black was oozing out of the ground, crawling up around Asahi’s body.  His wings looked broken and diseased.

“Asahi-” Tetsurou rushed over.

“Don’t.” Asahi wheezed out and Tetsurou winced at the sound.  “Touch.”  It seemed to take every last ounce of Asahi’s strength to say the words.  The black substance crawled a bit further up him.  “Help.  Daichi.  Please.”  He bent further over the body in his arms, collapsing on the spot.

Tetsurou backed away slowly, reluctantly as he realized that what he thought were rocks and dead things around the blackened clearing were actually bodies.  Some he recognized but some he did not.  He tried to help others but they all said the same thing.

Everything was dark and twisted in this area, except for one thing that was bleached bone-white and made all the more terrifying for it.  It was a horrible looking castle and all of Tetsurou’s instincts told him not to go in there, so of course that’s where he headed.  He tried to ignore the nightmare inducing things he passed on the way.  The creatures that roamed the area looked like horrible ghoulish creatures, all decaying flesh and dead eyes.  They watched him hungrily but never came close.

Tetsurou tightened his hold on the ring, hoping this was some sort of sign that there was a small part of the old Daichi left and it wasn’t some kind of trick.

Something black and most assuredly alive was crawling over the walls and ceiling inside the twisted castle.  A small path was clear, it led up to a raised throne made out of what looked like sharp black glass.  A huge monstrous feathered creature sat on the throne, shoulders heaving with heavy breaths.

Tetsurou walked closer, found it hard to breath as his eyes darted around looking for Daichi, not wanting to believe what his heart was telling him.  He didn’t believe until he stood right before the creature.

The black feathers covered him from head to clawed feet, they were molted and matted.  The soft brown irises Tetsurou remembered were swallowed by black, even the whites of his eyes were an unseeing black.  His fingers were tipped by sharp claws that matched the sharp teeth in his elongated mouth.

“Daichi,” Tetsurou whispered, felt the blackness on the walls shift and move with agitation.  Daichi’s breath stuttered out before the blackness stopped moving once more.  Tetsurou carefully reached out, touched the ring with the little flowers caught in resin on a leather cord.  “I’m sorry it took me so long.”  Tetsurou felt something wet slide down his face, was surprised to find himself crying.  He had ignored the feeling, the urgent need to get out of Tokyo.

Tetsurou ran his fingers gently over Daichi’s feathered cheek, watching as the monstrous head leaned into the touch.  Something of Daichi was still alive in there, it had let Tetsurou have a safe passage to him, it was holding back the darkness from swallowing everything whole.

“Tell me how I can help you.”  Tetsurou whispered urgently.  Daichi’s black eyes closed, huge head resting against Tetsurou’s trembling hand.  Something caught Tetsurou’s attention, down near Daichi’s lap something was different.

“No!”  Daichi growled, grabbing Tetsurou’s hand as he went to touch the object.  The clawed hand was huge, it could easily have crushed the delicate bones in Tetsurou’s wrist, as easily as those clawed tips could ripped through his flesh but it was a merely strong grip, not bruising or hurting.

“That has to come out.”  Tetsurou wasn’t sure how he knew that, just that he knew with complete certainty that the foreign object that was stabbed into Daichi’s side needed to come out.

“Kill you,” Daichi’s voice was a low rumble, it cracked and groan as if he hadn’t spoken in a while.

“If I touch it, it’ll kill me?”  Tetsurou asked just to make sure he was understanding correctly.  Daichi’s head jerked in a nod, his breathing labored.  “How do you know?”

“Went- went to your house.  For help.”  Daichi tugged on Tetsurou’s wrist, there was something terribly broken about his monstrous face.  Tetsurou’s brain scrambled, trying to fit the pieces together.

His grandmother had known what was going on, that much was obvious.  She had probably known since he was a kid.  His grandfather too, now that he had thought about it.  The wooden sword he had made for Tetsurou had been made of ash wood, strong against fairies.  His grandmother's huge garden, the fresh vegetables and fruits and herbs left on the porch, the sweets she always made him carry around.

Daichi had gone to Tetsurous grandmother’s house for help.  Kenma had said that all of this had started a little over a year ago.  Tetsurou’s grandfather had died from a sudden sickness a year prior.

“My grandfather tried to take it out.”  Tetsurou felt a sob get caught in his throat.  The darkness buzzed around them, pressing close.  Daichi pulled Tetsurou closer, wheezing out a blood filled cough.

“Sorry-” Daichi whispered, voice broken.

“Shh.” Tetsurou was able to press his forehead against Daichi’s because he was bent over so much.  “I won’t touch it, not directly.”  Tetsurou didn’t blame Daichi for his grandfathers death but he knew that thing had to come out now, that Daichi was close to losing the battle against the darkness.

Tetsurou pulled off his flannel and wrapped it carefully around the shard stuck in Daichi’s lower abdomen.  It was hard to see anything with the lack of light and all the feathers, but he did his best.  His hand burned when he tightly clenched the shard, Daichi groaned in pain and the darkness screeched around them.

Tetsurou braced one hand against Daichi’s stomach and pulled with everything he had.

Tetsurou wasn’t sure how he ended up halfway across the hall and flat on his back, though he did know every inch of him hurt, his hand especially.  He groaned and raised his head, saw the darkness pulling together in a vaguely humanoid shape, saw it approach Daichi’s slumped over form at the bottom of the raised dais.

“Daichi!”  Tetsurou screamed, tried to roll to his feet but suddenly the darkness was on him, pushing him down.  Everywhere it touched burned Tetsurou.

“You ruined everything.”  Hundreds of voices spoke as one, Tetsurou screamed in pain.

“You do not touch him!”  A deep voice thundered out right before a sudden brightness engulfed the whole room.  The darkness screeched, a hundred voices screaming in agony.  Tetsurou’s vision faded to black quickly after that.

Tetsurou woke with a start, fighting wildly before realizing he was in his own bed at his grandmothers.  He would have believed it was a dream if it weren’t the the fresh white bandages around his hand that had gripped the shard.

Tetsurou pushed out of his bed and searched down his grandmother, which wasn’t all that hard since she was on the back porch looking out at the garden.  The dead spots were gone and it looked lusher and spread even wider than before.

“What happened?”  Tetsurou asked, his throat a little scratchy.

“You went off the path, tripped and got yourself a bit banged up.”  His grandmother replied easily, a smirk playing over her mouth.

“And the real story?”  Tetsurou questioned.

“I think only you can answer that one.”  She patted the spot next to her on the bench and Tetsurou sat down with a quiet groan.  He felt sore all over.

“Did you know what happened with grandfather?”  Tetsurou asked softly after a couple moments of silence.  Akira reached over, placing her hand over his trembling ones.

“He had always liked that husband of yours, they aren’t quite like the others of their kind, are they?”  Akira sighed, squeezing his hands gently.  “Here, take these.  Always bring a gift when visiting fairies.”  She handed him a clear mason jar full of little star shaped sweets.  Tetsurou kissed her cheek before pushing himself up and walking off towards the forest.

His grandmother was right.  They weren’t like other fairies.  They were his and he wasn’t going to allow them to get rid of him that easily.

Tetsurou walked straight into the forest, not taking any particular path but just knowing the forest would lead him where he needed to go.  As Suga had said, the forest was connected to the king.

It was only about 15 minutes of walking before Tetsurou came across a wide clearing full of flowers.  Tetsurou remembered this place easily, he had gotten married here after all.  His husband sat on the ground, where a little natural hill rose him above the flowers.  The lowering sun paid tribute to his dark skin and played beautifully over his inky black wings.

“Here.”  Tetsurou used the jark to flick lightly at Daichi’s ear.  Perhaps he shouldn’t be teasing the Crow King but Tetsurou felt he was safe.  Daichi reached up and grabbed the jar, turning it around and grinning over as Tetsurou sat next to him.

“You came back.”  Daichi said softly as he took the top off the jar and tossed some of the star shaped treats towards the flowers.  Tiny creatures danced out from the cover of the flowers, excitedly grabbing up the treats and running back where they had come from.  Several of them squeaked and hummed and bowed towards Daichi and Tetsurou.

“I don’t blame you for what happened.”  Tetsurou clarified.  He didn’t think Daichi was responsible for the death of his grandfather, knew that Daichi blamed himself enough for the both of them.

Daichi turned and looked fully at Tetsurou for the first time.  He was breathtakingly handsome, though Tetsurou might be a bit biased.  He had grown up so beautifully and he was glad to be staring into the soft brown eyes again.

“Everyone who was-?”  Tetsurou didn’t quite know how to phrase it, wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“Everyone is safe, back to their usual selves.”  Daichi smiled fully, big and warm and happy as he leaned forward.  Tetsurou happily pressed his forehead against Daichi’s, remembered how they use to do this as children constantly.  As a sign of comfort and friendship and unconditional love.  Tetsurou hadn’t known it back then, not when he was too little to really understand love but it was there all the same and he could still feel it then.  Warm and soft in his chest.

A feeling of coming home.

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