Tumgik
#i think im falling out with some of my friends too?
ilwonuu · 2 days
Text
𐦍༘?can i 𐦍༘⋆
↬ choi seungcheol
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
𓇣 pairing- nonidol!cheol x fem reader, dom!seungcheol x sub!reader, bestfriend!cheol x fem reader, friends to lovers<3
𓇣 summary- your best friend calls you late at night for something other than a innocent hangout.
𓇣 warnings- dumb confessing love to each other, oral sex (m receiving), fingering (f receiving), dirty talk, cum swallowing, kissing, MDNI, lmk what else
𓇣 a/n- this is just a random fic that u wrote a long time ago.. i liked it enough to post so lmk what you think!! should i write a part two? ALSO IM BACK FROM LITERALLY NOT POSTING FOR DAYS!!!! im posting a lot of fics today<3 luv u guys 😡
Tumblr media
tossing and turning in your bed has gotten you wide awake. you’ve been trying to fall asleep for the past hour. it now being 1:30am as glance at your clock.
you sigh closing your eyes again before you start to get a call. you groan reaching for your phone. seeing it’s seungcheol you make a confused expression, pressung answer.
“cheol? it’s so late what’s up?” you question and he just sighs. “okay- um this is gonna sound crazy but can i pick you up? i’ve been thinking you all night.” he confesses. his voice sounding tense but lust filled.
“thinking about me? what do you mean?” you are beyond confused now, wanting him to explain it. of course cheol has said something like this to you before, but this time it feels different.
“just let me come get you and i’ll explain then. can i?” he asks. you don’t even know why but your mouth is immediately saying that you would love for him to pick you up.
you having no control when it comes to cheol. you sigh again as you force yourself out of the warmth of your bed to grab some pants to throw on.
quickly changing as you know cheol, how fast he would get to your house. speaking of, your phone lights up with a text from the boy telling you he’s outside. you slip on your slippers and head out of your house into his car.
“well good morning to you.” you say sarcastically as you get into the passenger seat. “can i just drive and explain? it’s kind of a lot to take in.” he starts to drive to your guys usual spot to watch the sunset. you couldn’t do that now obviously…
“so.. were you asleep when i called?” “no unfortunately i haven’t been sleeping very well and these were one of the completely sleepless nights.” he sighs not taking his eyes of the road.
“i’m sorry i hope you can sleep better tomorrow.” he says looking at you for a moment to give you a soft smile before finally arriving at your spot.
“are you gonna tell me why you wanted to pick me up at 2 in the morning?” you turn your gaze to him and he just nods. “don’t freak out okay-“ he cuts himself off.
“y/n- i’m in love with you. and everyday i’m more and more in love with you. i couldn’t get confessing to you off my mind. i wanted you to know in person.” he says looking at you for a reaction, response, anything.
“cheol i-“ he sighs thinking he already knows what you’re gonna say. “i know you don’t feel the same. i had a feeling you didn’t but i just need to tell you okay? it was killing me and i just don’t want anything to be weird now-“ you stop his words with your finger.
“cheol shut up. i’m in love with you too.” you confess as well catching him completely off guard. “wait are you serious? don’t mess with me that’s not funn-“ you cut him with a kiss against his lips.
“you believe me now?” he nods pulling you to kiss him again. “you don’t know how bad i wanted to do that.” he admits with a deep sigh.
“cheol-you know-i- me too.” his hands intertwined with yours. you feel so safe with him. you want nothing more than to be his. you want him to be yours.
“y/n i- please let me kiss you again.” and that’s how you ended up here. on your knees in the backseat next to your best friend, reaching for his dick as he fucks his fingers into you.
“cheol-“ he smirks down at you. “feel good baby? keep going.” you nod at his words finally pulling his dick out of his pants. shocked at the size of course. you have never been with anyone with a dick this big- nearly coming on his fingers.
“go ahead, let me see you baby.” he’s looking down at you with intimidating eyes. you give his dick a couple strokes causing him to hiss but mindlessly ruts his hips up with your hand.
you kitten lick the tip of his dick not breaking eye contact with him. a load groan erupting from him. his fingers are starting to fuck into you faster. your moans against him making him crazy.
“fuck just like- that. feels so fucking good.” his hips moving with your mouth as you fuck yourself back onto his fingers.
“look at you. o-oh fuck” your mouth speeding up on his cock. his fingers curling inside of you causing you to moan. you gag on his dick as his hips start to meet your mouth.
you cum on his fingers hard as you feel him start to fuck your mouth. he fucks his fingers into slowly before pulling them out to bring them up to his mouth.
he hums before groaning when he sees you looking up at him. he pulls his fingers out his mouth, his hand inching to your ass rather quickly.
“i’m gonna- fuck i’m coming. you’re so beautiful.” his cum shooting deep into your mouth as his hips fuck up with his groans.
you keep eye contact with him as you swallow. he groans trying not to fuck your mouth again. you sit up to kiss him.
“you’re so pretty.” he gives you a big smile as the two of you get dressed. you blush and look away from him. “want to come to my house?” he smiles at you.
197 notes · View notes
blublublujk · 1 day
Text
nobody knows (2)
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
-> part 1
word count: 3k
genre: established relationship (hard dom x slutty sub)
pairing: hoseok x reader and jungkook x reader
summary:
a few minutes pass as you entertain yourself on some random game on your phone before he messages again. daddy: if you even think of actually going out with a friend i’ll chop their dick off.  me: who said it would be a man?  daddy: have fun then baby don't stay out too late! 
warnings: [please read if you are sensitive] hard dom hoseok!!, needy sub reader!!, hoseok is actually sweeter this time, cheating ig?, reader gets her period, explicit sexual content: idk how i forgot this last time but DADDY KINK, thumb sucking, blowjob, throat-fucking, pictures during sex, shy awkward virgin jungkook, sexting, cum on panties, suggestive language
a.n: i'd let this hoseok ruin my fucking life. this is so fun. can you tell he's my bias >.< tbh im making up all plot on spot i wanted to explore the actual relationship first before we see anything else of jk x reader. hoseok can be sweet... he needs to fuck the reader already!!! anyways thanks for being very patient with me. see you on the next one ^.^
—> m.list
—> find me on ao3 & twt
--
“baby.” hoseok’s lips are warm against your cheek, hot breath hitting the soft skin. “i’m off to work.”
your voice is groggy, hair a mess, but it doesn’t stop you from flinging out of bed in a pout. “already? you said we could do breakfast.”
“yeah, well plans changed. i really needa finish this song i’m working on. i’ll be back before dinner. no promises though.” hoseok doesn’t hesitate to say the words, he doesn’t look back as he fixes his collar and brushes fingers through his bed hair. an apology would be nice, but it never comes. 
this is the third time this week hoseok misses breakfast, much less makes it to dinner. somehow always managing to create more work for himself and keep busy while you rot away in the dormitory. it wasn’t fair to you, though you can’t really say you didn’t sign up for this. you knew exactly what this lifestyle came with, fame and money only meant hoseok would never truly be yours as you are his and you had to simply respect that. as sad and lonely as you can be at times. 
“but daddy—” 
“not now angel, you’ll be good for me right?” and just like that you succumb to his strong, firm demeanor. he digs his thumb into the fat of your cheeks, flicking your bottom lip. hoseok licks his own, watching your mouth take his thumb. immediately he feels your warm tongue, sucking him in like a vice, mouth so pliant and fuckable. 
he takes that as a ‘yes daddy’ the way you look up at him while you suck on his thumb like the sweet girl you are. eyes heavy and lustful. 
well, if he isn’t gonna do breakfast with you as he promised, you’ll get yours right now. two can play the same game, but only one wins in the end. something tells you that you fall victim to the game anyways, it was never yours to win. 
your hands find his waistband as you look up to him with hopeful eyes. he’ll probably be late if he plays this game, but it’s too much fun to resist. plus, which man on earth is known for rejecting a blowjob. certainly not this one. 
hoseok tugs his pants down, allowing you to pull down his boxers as his cock springs to life. he takes his thumb out of your mouth and caresses your cheek carelessly, smearing your own spit all over it. the things he would do for that face, so pretty and willing. and all fucking his.
you get to work and on your knees immediately. grabbing his cock in your hands, you lick and suck the tip while hoseok throws his head back, feeling you slurp him down. he fails to resist the temptation to fuck your throat so with no warning he holds a tight grip of your hair and forces your head down. mouth hot and tight around him, wetting his cock so nicely. 
eyes springing tears already, but alas he’s not gentle. he fucks your throat and you feel him grow larger in your mouth, drooling spit all over yourself. “fuck baby, you’re perfect.”
you moan airily, struggling to breathe as he thrusts harder, throat stretching for him and him only. just like you were made for it. 
he groans, feeling that warm wet grip swallowing around him. “just like that, such a slut for it. don’t think you deserve my cum.”
you shake your head profusely, sad-eyes looking up at him while sharp eyes mirror your own. his lips tug at the end and he’s smirking watching you desperately beg for it. 
he releases his grip, spit instantly drips from your mouth, covering yourself with your own juices. it’s a mess, but you both love it for different reasons. his dick stands tall and proud, swollen and wet around the tip. 
he starts to fuck his own fist, thanks to you, he doesn’t even got to spit on it anymore. his dick is wet plenty. he watches your lustful eyes crave for it, practically foaming at the mouth for it. though you are still gasping for air, you wish he would just fuck it out of you again. you want him so so so bad. 
your hands try to reach up at him, but he slaps them away, he isn’t rough and it doesn’t really hurt, but the warning is enough for you to drop them back down. your hands start to rub against your bare thighs, iching to release your own arousal. 
“baby’s horny?” it’s like he’s teasing you, almost laughing in your face, his cock is so close to your face you can still taste it. 
you instantly nod though with hopes that he’ll help you out. 
“yeah? you need daddy’s cock inside you?” hoseok taps his cock against your cheek, pre-cum smearing onto it. it’s cruel the way he toys with his food, but what can he do when you react so beautifully to it. you’re just too easy. 
“yes. plu-please.” you whine. 
“yes what.” he barks.
“yes d-daddy. i want it so bad.” 
you hear him hum pleased, as he continues to jack himself off, he’s getting close and you know it, because his eyes start to hood and he’s breathing heavier. all the more of a reason you wish he would just shove it in you, your pussy is dripping wet for it. if only he were to see himself, he would never stop fucking you!
“stand up.” he orders.
fucking finally.
with wobbly legs you stand and he rough pulls down your shorts. a hand still heavy on his cock, gripping the fuck out of it. 
“let me see inside those pretty panties.” 
hoseok wastes no time to nut his seed all over the inside of it, covering your bare cunt with his juices and dripping all over the fabric. you both look down as his cum decorates the inside of your panties so beautifully, both panting at the sight. “stay there.” 
the taller tugs his pants back up and grabs his phone. he pulls you in for a sudden quick kiss before he takes a picture of the mess he made. “such a perfect sub.” 
with another kiss, he puts his phone away and grabs your wrists, tugging your hands off your panties. your panties sit back so prettily and wet against your pussy now. they are sticky and it feels pretty gross against your skin, but you start to forget about it when you feel hoseok’s tongue down your throat. 
he finally pulls away with one final kiss, pulling your shorts back on. “go back to bed baby.”
“but ‘m not tired.” you mumble, still horny as ever. cunt begging for cock. anything. 
“don’t pout angel. it won’t get you anywhere. i’ll be back later. behave.” and with that, hoseok leaves to work (or so he says), leaving you wet and lonely. 
to no surprise, hoseok in fact does not make it to dinner. to your surprise, he’s kind enough to leave you a sweet text message instead though. 
daddy: [attached image] miss that perfect pussy. you’re so beautiful you know that?
me: you missed dinner
daddy: that’s no way to talk to me angel  i said no promises
me: yeah well, i’ll just have dinner with a friend instead ig
daddy: who? 
me: wouldn’t you love to know.
daddy: you know i’ll find out anyways?  like you could hide anything from me
me: you’re an ass
daddy: you are what you eat
you don’t bother to reply nor entertain his not so funny jokes, but your phone buzzes again to absolutely no surprise. however the following message makes your heart fall straight out of your ass. 
daddy: i’m sorry angel.  i promise to be home for dinner tomorrow. is that better? 
the pit of your stomach burns, really it’s the bare fucking minimum, but you can’t help the way it flips into butterflies. a smile forming on your face. 
me: yes daddy
daddy: good girl the very best
a few minutes pass as you entertain yourself on some random game on your phone before he messages again.
daddy: if you even think of actually going out with a friend i’ll chop their dick off. 
me: who said it would be a man? 
daddy: have fun then baby don't stay out too late! 
hoseok’s messages make you giggle so hard. sometimes you forget this is the person you are with, the one you share every little moment with, and the one that would absolutely kill you despite your entire past with him for thinking about someone else. someone younger, bit buffer, close to them. the person they’ve always known all their life. and here you are contemplating doing it all over again. it’s scary how thrilling it all feels. a pawn in your own game and you don’t even know it. 
luckily for you and unfortunately for hoseok, there’s no dinner and especially no friend, but there is jungkook. he’s home again, earlier than everyone, as expected. 
the younger follows the same routine he has as soon as he gets home. he immediately hops into a quick shower and doesn’t come out to eat till way later. busying himself with who knows what. 
jungkook is a bit awkward, more nervous, and careful around you since the whole movie situation, the one where your tits were out by the end of it while he was driving holes into them with his eyes. 
it makes you a bit frustrated. at this point, you're begging for attention and he hardly budges, but you also understand his fear. 
“that was good noona, thanks.” jungkook picks up his plate, rushing to wash it off and lock himself back in his room. 
you hardly ever make dinner like that, but you figured it would be a great way to pass time and an excuse to get off your ass and do something that doesn’t involve rotting away in bed, lonely and horny. and all very much alone. this way, you don’t have to be alone. this way, jungkook fills the empty spot and he doesn’t even know it. 
jungkook is quick in the kitchen and you hate it. you obviously weren’t gonna let this happen, not under these circumstances, and not in this way. not after everything. “jungkookie, can you do me a favor?” 
“s-sure.” his hands are wet from the sink as he places the plate down, eyes hesitant to look up. 
“it’s just, i just got my period and my stomach hurts. a lot.” a hand caresses your tummy lightly, putting pressure where it hurts. thankful that your period arrived after this eventful/uneventful morning. 
“oh… im sorry. can i help?” he asks to be nice, not denying you a damn thing. 
“can you massage it?” you plead without shame.
“me-e?” he stutters, pointing at himself, flushing pink.
“mhm, who else silly!” 
jungkook awkwardly laughs. “yeah okay. lay down noona, i’ll try to make things better.” 
with that your back goes on the couch while you look up at him with sweet eyes. “thank you jungkookie, it feels much better when someone else is doing it.” 
“yeah, of course.” he lamely replies. 
very carefully, you slide your shirt up, revealing much more skin than intended (not really though). the mounds of your breasts sit so pretty like this and it leaves nothing to his imagination. your underboob peaks through and jungkook holds back a sharp gasp.
he refocuses on his mission, hands shaking as he brings them closer. “m gonna touch you now noona.”
though it wasn’t his intention, his suggestive usage of wording nearly makes you moan. you bite your lip to prevent it. 
“please.” you whisper calmly, desperately. 
jungkook nods and cold hands touch your tummy. they are a bit stiff at first because he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but he starts getting a hang of it when he hears you lightly hum pleasantly. 
he explores your skin, with every noise you make filtering his ear he finds what you enjoy and don’t. he rubs feather-like circles against your soft skin, thumbing over curves and your plushy stomach. you feel so warm in his hands and that makes him feel so good, too good. and the fact that he’s never ever done this before. jungkook thinks it's possible he can cum in his pants, just by doing this alone! he’s really, really lame. 
“feels so good, jungkookie.”
“yeah…” he strains, hands heavier on your stomach, but they warm up feeling so nicely against your skin. 
“can you- lower, can you go lower?” 
his hands are barely above, around your belly button, avoiding anything further down, not sure if it is for his own sake or yours. he’s scared and it’s obvious by the lack of movement. 
jungkook avoids your eyes as his hands freeze, hands weighing down on where he was last massaging. “wan— want me lower?”
“yes.” surely he knows what you mean. “please.” 
“oh- okay.” the younger says nothing more. 
jungkook resumes his movements, his hands going much further down your stomach, just right above your waistband. he thumbs your underwear, trying very hard to hold his breath whenever his fingertips come in contact with the thin yellow fabric whilst still rubbing patterns into your lower belly. he’s hoping you don’t hear how heavy and much faster his breathing has gotten. he’s struggling for air, face beet red. not sure if it’s out of embarrassment or his own humiliation driving him nuts. 
he’s not sure what he’s doing anymore. or what has gotten into him. it’s like his dream is set right before his eyes and yet he knows he really shouldn’t be here and doing this. much less with someone like you, but for whatever reason he can’t stop. 
“f-feels better?” jungkook asks, light-airy voice. 
“much, much better.” you reply truthfully, your stomach buzzing warmly. your eyes take in every movement on his face. from his eyes to his nose, to the way his cheeks puff as he breathes. he’s beautiful. much more when you have him this close, and nothing is stopping you from what you do next. 
jungkook’s breath hitches when he feels your soft lips on his cheek. eyes nearly bulging out his sockets because he doesn’t believe his reality. this just can’t be. no one has ever shown this much interest in him. especially not someone as untouchable as you.
it lasts no longer than ten seconds, but jungkook turns into jelly within that time. you aren’t sure why you do it, but it’s the only reasonable way you could possibly come up with to show your appreciation for all he’s done. for being sweet and patient. he’s too generous for his own good. 
“thank you jungkookie, you’re so sweet.” he doesn’t even realize you’ve already pulled away and his hands are no longer feeling your heated flesh until he’s watching you walk away, hiding behind the door to your room. hoseok’s room. yours and hoseok’s room. he shouldn’t be feeling like this, but he can’t help the way his stomach twists in knots. 
jungkook is left completely speechless, confused. 
he shamefully walks back to his own room with no other word, skipping his night routine completely. fuck skincare, he can go a night without it. he’ll manage. 
that night, hoseok arrives fairly early. well at least, earlier than usual. you’re still awake when you feel his hand on your hip, feeling his lips pecking the tip of your ear. 
“you’re home?” 
“yeah, got off a bit earlier than expected. did you eat?” he asks quietly, thoughtful enough to not disturb others. hoseok’s lips still softly kissing behind your ear, practically making you melt into the bed. if you could purr, you are more than sure you’d start purring right about now. hoseok has always been very hands-on, it’s what you adore about him. always making it known how much he wants and needs you. 
“i did. have you?” you ask to be polite, though you most likely already know the answer. hoseok may be busy, but he never skips his meals. his discipline is insane. he’s busy, but not ever enough to starve himself. he cares about his mental and physical being just as much as everything else. and he plans on keeping it that way for as long as he lives. 
“yeah. they brought take-out from that one place in downtown you like.” 
that calls for your slightest attention, shifting your face from your pillow to face him, even in the dark your eyes find his. “zuki’s?”
“mhm.” hoseok steals a kiss like this, sharing a breath as he continues. “that very one.”
“lucky.” you pout, sadly with cramps still lingering around your pelvic area. 
“yeah… i brought you some.” he says so nonchalantly. 
the older laughs when he feels you shove yourself, full force onto him, hugging him with all your might. “really?!”
“yes, left it in the fridge for tomorrow.” hoseok pauses, fingers tangled in your blow dried hair and breathes in your sweet fresh scent. “unless you wanna eat a late night meal then be my guest.” 
“well, i just got my period so...” you contemplate that damn meal, almost sorta justifying your not-so-healthy options.
“then let’s go. i’ll sit with you while you eat.” your boyfriend decides for you instead, tugging you up very gently without another word. 
there’s was nothing more to say or decide, hoseok watched as you ate the meal very pleasantly, humming here and there, devouring it all in minutes. you were a very happy, happy girl. and hoseok was a happy man watching you eat so easily. he’d do it all over again if it meant he could see that perfect smile all the time. 
and like that, you forget all about today and what made you upset. you are so stupid to think he could ever not love you and care for you. who else than him. even if you have heavily committed your mistakes, so has he, but he loves you, and nothing else matters. 
but then again, in another room, jungkook is tearing himself up for it. even though, he’s not really at fault. is he? it sure feels like it is anyways. 
at least, it felt that way after beating his cock raw and swollen. flashbacks from earlier crowding his virgin-mind. he’s so so fucked, it’s laughable. pathetic really.
jungkook tries so hard to ignore it and at first he succeeds, but then he hears a bubble of laughter coming from the room beside him and he knows he’s been beaten once again. 
“i love you.” 
“i love you too baby.” 
that’s the last thing jungkook hears before he falls into a deep sleep, eventually succumbing to his exhaustion and overthinking mess. the crowding anxious thoughts die for the first time that night.
61 notes · View notes
tiyoin · 1 day
Note
Now I'm thinking about twisted anxiety reader being able to sing really well. I feel like there could be some very interesting/funny moments (4 us not reader).
Reader probably only sings in a reclusive area like a forest around the dorm
I wanna say that the forest already has haunting rumors about it ,and when someone (jade or rook) hears reader singing they think that the "ghost" is up and active again. So students start doing a "test of courage" type thing.
I put Jade or Rook being the one to hear reader cuz they're really the only ones that would really be in that area without a reason.
I also know they're intelligent enough to know it's not a ghost ,but start the rumor anyways cuz they want to know who's singing. And it becomes this big thing the school trying to figure out.
Cut to reader losing her mind cuz she like "wow, I didn't know people thought it was that bad. How am I supposed to live, laugh, love ever again??"
When in reality they were just memorized by reader's singing. And they really want to find out who it is.
Bonus points if they film it and sent it to the group chat you posted about earlier. And reader just has to be like 🧍‍♀️ "whattt???? No way!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ a random voice in the woods 😱😱"
I'm sorry for sending 2 long asks back 2 back ,but twisted anxiety just gets my head going.
Also if you don't like being sent stuff like this just tell me and I won't send any more. I don't want to over step at all. These are just like head cannons I give to reader ,cuz I just love making things worse for her. Can't let her know what peace is
YOU
hOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN MY HEAD 🫵
i’m going to give you the fattest smooch alive you don’t understand. AND I LOVE IT WHEN I GET LONG ASKS!!! so please! ask away i don’t mind, i actually get really flattered that people want to share with me their long, detailed thoughts !! i was actually nervous people wouldn’t like my long responses 😖
no cause that’s ALWAYS one troupe i ALWAYS go back to.
i was thinking about making them a singer, REALLY I WAS- but i had second thoughts cause i thought people wouldn’t like it / maybe people would think its too… y-nie or im trying to make twisted anxiety reader too much, ya know
BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU MEAH MWAH (also dw i got your other ask and fully plan on answering it, this one was just at the top of my inbox 🫶🫶)
but oh my god,,,, HEAR ME OUT;
twisted anxiety reader getting pent up because they. have. no. outlet.
none.
maybe they played a sport in their old world, but no longer can’t because seriously?? going up against beastmen, mermen, fae and just,,, men?! absolutely not.
they can’t do anything fun in ramshackle because of the ghosts can and will find a way to stick their noses into your business. also hello??? no privacy at ramshackle👎👎
honestly, twisted anxiety reader doesn’t have any friends so they can’t blow off steam that way either. and going to the gym is out of the question because 1. anxiety 2.gym bros- and working out at home is… different.
so there has to be a way to let off steam… good thing twisted anxiety reader dilly dallied in everything!!
they want to sing but aren’t confident enough to join the pop music club, and the walls to ramshackle are paper thin.
there’s absolutely no where you can go.
and yet… every time you glance at the forest. you can’t help but wonder…🤔
AND IVE ALWAYS IMAGINED READER SINGING
“everything stays” from adventure time
“love all mine” by mitski
“rises the moon” by liana flores
“sky fall” by adele
“memory” from cats
“listen” by beyoncé
“hopelessly devoted” by olivia newton-john
oh my god i have to make a separate post for this before i completely rot and accidentally write a whole chapter because i’ve been WAITING to write about this and i’d feel bad about making this SUPER LONG
but i can’t imagine rook going for a sunset “hike” (…sure, let’s go with that) and hearing you. belting your little heart to “hopelessly devoted” HAGFJAIWOFOSOWOFOAPEIFOZOQFOXOD
Tumblr media
ROOK IS AWE STRUCK
such passion! such devotion! how marvelously beautiful! rook is stunned.
of course after you finish singing he can hear you moan and groan about trivial things but- rook hunt was not a hunt if he didn’t appreciate the gift the forest provided.
and yet, the carful hunter made a careless mistake. cursing silently, he glared at the twig his boots stepped on before he snapped his head up to the clearing up ahead.
ah, you fled.
to say rook was… upset was an understatement. yes he was able to marvel in your voice, but he lost the privilege to listen to more, to observe from afar.
the strange songs you sang and possibly wrote (what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him) are gone with the wind and the high step of your foot as you vanished into thin air.
rook could easily hunt you down, but he stopped himself after a slight muscle twitch. non non! he was the enjoyer of beauty! not the hunter! yes he hunted beauty but it would go against his very being to trap it instead of let it fly free and continue its song.
so let this be your little secret, okay.
jade would def walk into you singing ‘everything stays’
OR OR ROOK N JADE BOTH TAG TEAMING READER IN THE CHAT SAYING HOW THEY WISH TO MEET THIS BEAUTIFUL VOICED GOREST ‘NYMPH’ SO THEY CAN HEAR MORE OF THEIR SONGS
readers just like;
😟
“time to find a new location☝️”
*there’s no where those two won’t be able to find you fyi*
TWISTED ANXIETY READER WILL NEVER KNOW PEACE‼️‼️ NOT AS LONG AS IM HERE‼️‼️
please send more headcanons i love reading them 🙇🏻🙇🏻
babes this is me n u rn:
Tumblr media
34 notes · View notes
headakke · 2 days
Text
4n4 tips to remind myself,
all the things that helped me losing weight and not binge.
- do NOT restrict too much if you know you tend to binge, it will only be worse —> I stayed on a 1000-1100 calorie intake and sometimes I even stayed under that easily by keeping myself busy/happy in some ways
- I personally hate waking up early in the morning because I binge mostly for breakfast, but I realized a good sleeping schedule is also important, so if I wake up early, I drink a big ass coffee with almond milk/eat something under 150 cals and GO OUT, like for a walk or anything.
- Lunch/dinner —> I try staying under 350, because I usually eat an apple/fruit after every meal and if I have a sweet treat under 50 cals, why not, I always let myself have it.
- I try (try) walking at least 10k steps everyday, not because it burns a significant amount of calories, but because its good for my mental health. When I stay at home being depressed and doing nothing, I usually look for dopamine in food until Im nauseous, like I did today!😋👌🏻 so yeah.
- Basically try not to have that restricting mindset all the time, try to by chill about food even if you are not, trick your mind, say yes to breakfast, lunch, dinners out with friends, maybe take initiative to be able to choose what to eat and plan your intake based on it, but even if you can’t, always be chill. You can go back on track all the next days or eating a LITTLE less. Its not that deep, your body will not change from that croissant or from that pasta you had that day, it will change if you restrict too much and than fall into a binge cycle for weeks. And its like a living hell.
- Live the moment as much as you can. Weight loss begin to work as soon as you start to see the first little results, you have to stay motivated, not stressing out constantly by planning everything and thinking about the things you will do within 3 months with your body. At least, this not works with me.
- do not weight yourself everyday, do not watch your body in the mirror every hour of the day, do not take too many photos. I mean, the temptation to do all of this is strong, but the weight varies enormously during the day, the way we see ourselves reflected is constantly distorted depending on how we feel and constantly seeking changes in all these forms is counterproductive. The real changes will be the ones that you see casually as the time passes and that you can physically feel on yourself. Don't be fooled and don't become crazy over all this fake shit. <3
41 notes · View notes
scarisd3ad · 3 days
Text
Superstar | football player!Joel miller x popstar!reader
Tumblr media
Chapter six - obsessed
Previous >> next
Masterlist
Taglist
Warnings - mentions of sex, cursing, body image talk, insecurity
Summary - when you find out about a certain football player showing up at your tour you decide to reach out just because of all the dating rumors, but what if thoughs rumors turn into reality?
A/N - it’s finally here, sorry for it being so late! But now that I’ve gotten this out of the way I’m aiming for the first chapter of jump then fall to be out sometime next week!
Tumblr media
the next day i wake up with an empty imprint of where ollie was sleeping, joels arms wrapped around me in a comforting hold, and about 5 million notifications. mostly notifications from being tagged in posts and storys but theres some from friends in family too. like one from tara with a screen shot of a tmz artical titled 'popstar y/n l/n photographed with new boyfriend dallas cowboys star football player joel miller on a post game drive' paired with a dramatic open mouthed emoji. i roll my eyes and send back a stfu before dropping my phone back onto the mattress.
i turn hearing the bed frame creak quietly as i admired joel sleeping figure. he was laying on his stomach with one arm lazily wrapped around me. his hair was messy but he still somehow looked flawless. joel stirs as his phone which laid on the night stand ontop of his wireless charger began to ring. it flashed a few times showing off a picture of his mother and him paired with the contact name momma. unfortunately the phone stops ringing before joels able to fully wake up letting him fall back into sleep.
"joel" i whisper as i took my hand that wasnt tucked undernieth me to shake him. he groans eyes not even opening as he hummed a quiet "what?" as his arm that was once lazily wrapped around me pulled me closer. "when's your mom 'sposed to drop the girls off?" i whisper as his head ducked into the crook of my neck pressing lazy kisses to the length of it. "dunno, she has a key. she'll let them in when they get here" his voice is muffled by my neck as he takes a small chunk of neck flesh into his mouth and begins to suck at it. "joel" i giggled as i pushed him away "cant leave marks cant have any of that at any of my shows" he roll his eyes as he presses his lips to mine.
were inturupted by the sound of childlike giggles running up the stairs. "speak of the devil" joel chuckles as he sits up preparing to greet his girls. the door is thrown open revealing sarah and ellie. "daddy!" both squeal as they launched themselves into the bed. "we had pancake for dinner last night!" sarah says as she leans her head agaisnt her fathers chest. both girls excitedly tell their father what they had done with their grandparents the following night as he took turns pressing kisses to each ones forehead. i feel like i dont belong during moments like this, family bonding. im not their mother who can sit back fondly watching with a small smile, im just some stranger laying in their fathers bed. they hardly know me, and i hardly know them. thankfully a call from my mother is able to whisk me away.
"hi mom" i say standing in the bathroom, phone pressed to my ear as i stare into the mirror. "how are you doing?" she asks voice low as if shes trying not to wake someone. "fine...im doing fine" i have another 3 shows in houston next weekend so this weekend and this whole week is just about relaxation and mentally preparing for my next 3 shows which her very physically and mentally demanding sometimes. "your dad saw you on tv last night . he got real excited seein' you" i wish ever older man in his 50's felt like that about me right now. almost every man from the age's of 16 to 70 is pissed off at me cause they 'saw me too much' last night.
i wish i didnt let it get to me but it does. i put up this strong front like no ones able to hurt my feelings but everything they're saying about me does because for some odd reason men think not liking me means theyre allowed to call me a slut and threaten to kill me if i showed up the next game. im just glad joel hasnt seen them yet. "yeah?" i let out an awkward cough "yeah...your dad and i are trying to make it up to houston next weekend dad wants to see you preform again" i smile, though my father never understood one thing about my intrest in music and songwriting he was always my biggest supporter. "really?"
"y/n can you hurry up ive really got to pee!" i hear ellie shout from outside the door as my mother asks "where are you?" i sigh unlocking the door and letting ellie rush in as i rushed out. "Um joels house...but ive gotta go alright? love you."
i walk back into joels bedroom. both girls now gone leaving their father alone to scroll twitter and find out for himself what was the trending hashtag of the day. #fucky/n. how original. how old were they really because this was all really immature coming from men mostly over the age of 20. he's looking down at his phone brows furrowed in a scowl, finger still swiping. he hears my footsteps and looks up letting out a quiet "oh." i sigh arms wrapping around my body "who was that?" he asks. "my mom" i replied as i walked over to the bed and took a seat. "you dont have to go to any of my games again...if you dont want to" he whispers. he head cocks to the side as my brows furrowed. he takes my sense of confusion as an answer "y/n youre getting death threats."
i shrug my shoulders "ive been getting them for the last 5 years. i normally just ignore them." he sighs loudly as if he didnt understand my way of thinking, before changing the subject. "you staying for breakfast?" i shake my head "no. gotta studio session this morning..." joel nods. "can you keep ollie for a few hours? the session is early and im not gonna have enough time to drop him off at home."
-
im in my car driving down the freeway when i get a call from will. one of the first people i met in the music industry and a very acompished song writer himself. for years now will and i have been writing music together for his albums or mine, sometimes even a duet hear and there.
"you're late" he says voice almost drowned out by the sound of a few people in the back ground. "i know sorry. got held up at joels" i can almost hear the eyeroll through the phone. will wasnt the biggest fan of my past boyfriends. it started with will hating andy, he mustve saw the red flags before i did, then he hated harry because of his reputation of being a 'womanizer', then there was tom who he hated simply because he could practically see through him, and now the tradition has gone onto joel. he doesnt have a reason to hate joel yet but he'll find one eventually, he always does. "i know, i know alright. i'll be there in like 5 minutes okay?"
"alright okay see you in 5" he hangs up the phone leaving me to drive the rest of the way to the studio in silence.
-
when i get there theres a crowd of paps outside the studio, and wills standing by the door holding it open for me. wills got long floppy brown hair that comes into vague curls at the ends, and a pair of glasses that are almost too big for his face, that sometimes makes him look a bit goofy. his voice is deep with a heavy british accent that somehow doesnt pair well with his face. "morning" he says with a nod as i walked into the studio letting the door slam shut behind me. "got anything prepard?" he asks as we walk down to the studio that we had booked for the day. "a little thought you could me finish the rest." i say as will pushed the door open letting me walk in first before he did.
"alright let me hear it" he says as he takes a seat next to a bunch of sound equipment. i unlock my phone and open the 'voice memo's' app before playing the most recent voice memo from a few nights ago titled 'sparks fly?'
the voice memo starts off with me playing guitar before i start the first lyric "the way you move is like a full on rainstorm, and im a house of card. youre the kind of reckless that should send me running but i kinda know that i wont get far" will nods as he pauses the memo before un pausing it and letting it play the rest through "and you stood there in front of me, just close enough to touch. close enough to hope you couldnt see what i was thinking of, drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. kiss me on the side walk, take away the pain. 'cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile. get me with those brown eyes, baby, as the lights go down. give me something that'll haunt me when youre not around. cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile" the memo ends and will looks over at me.
"kay i like it. what were the cords you were playing?" shit, i hadnt written them down like i usually did before studio sessions. "um fuck, i dont know...i think it was a,f,c, and g? maybe those." he picks up his guitar that had be discarded beside him and begins to play almost identically to how i was in the memo. "aright was that end the chorus?" i nod a quiet "mhm."
"alright you got anything else?" i nod before saying "yeah keep on playing" i say and he continues to play his guitar trying to fill in the missing pieces to continue on the instrumental part of the song. "my mind forgets to remind me, youre bad idea. you touch me onces and its, really something. you find that im even better than you imagined i would be. im on guard for the rest of world but with you i know its no good."
-
we finish off the rest of the song, tweaking some lyrics here and there, and even recording the song before our we decided to head out. I'm in my car driving by 11:30 when i get a call. the caller id shows up on the screen on my dashboard. joel <33. i answer the phone call and joel imediatly starts talking. "hey baby, what you doin'?" he asks, i can hear the sound of him inhaling and puffing out air letting me know he's probably out on his back porch smoking a ciggarette. "driving. whatcha need?" he sighs out "nothin' really. just wanted to know if you want to stay for dinner t'night" i laugh as my car comes to a slow stop at a red light. "yeah sure, what you guys havin' tonight?"
"probably pizza dont feel like cooking. the girls will be happy with that." he says punchuating his sentence with an loud inhale before matching exhale a few seconds later. "so how long you think you'll be?" i hum pondering a bit as i hit the gas following after the car infront of me "maybe 7 minutes? im a few lights away" i say. i hear him slide open his sliding glass door and presumebly walking inside. "alright i'll let you go, rangle up these kids before you get here. see ya in a bit" the sound of the almost piercing beeps as he hangs up fills my ears before my phone begins playing the song it had been playing before joels call.
7 minutes later im pulling up infront of joels house to see him sat on the porch ciggarette hanging from his mouth, while the girls sat on the driveway drawing with chalk. i chose to park on the street so i wouldnt desturb sarah, and ellie. i step out the car shoving my phone into one pocket. "y/n!" sarah leaps up from the pavemet dropping the stick of chalk that was in her hand before running towards me. tiny arms wrap around my body as she hugs me. "are you staying for dinner? daddy ordered pizza" she says excitedly as joel walked up behind her. "go on and play with youre sister babygirl let me and y/n talk alright?" sarah pulls away nodding before running back towards her sister.
"hey sweetheart" he says before pressing a short, but sweet kiss to my lips. "pizza'll be here in bout 10 minutes ordered it right after i hung up with you" he says a he places the ciggarette he had pulled from his lips a few seconds ago back slotting it against his upper and low lip. i nod as i lean into his body "how was youre studio thing" he asks arm wrapping around my waist as we both begin to walk back towards his front porch. "good" i reply simply as he unwraps his arm from around my waist and sits down. somehow being in a relationship with joel miller was so easy i forgot how my life used to be. my entire world now revolved around football games, tours, joel, and his girls that i almost forget that 3 months ago i was still rotting my bed sobbing over the ending of a relationship i thought was going to be forever. the moment i took one step into joels life i was sucked in and hoped to god i'd never be pushed out.
"y/n! can you come draw with us?" sarah asks from her spot on the pavement. i look at joel giving him a look that almosts asks 'is that okay?' he nods saying "go, we'll talk later" i walk over and take a seat next to sarah on the somehow still hot texas pavement. ellies sat across from us, so deep into her drawing that she doesnt even look up to greet me. her knees are scratched up, probably from the pavement, and her fourarms, and hands are covered in a mix of different dusty chalk colors.
"look at my drawing" sarah says pointing at a larger drawing to her right. 4 stick figured people 3 female, one male, and one stick figured cat drawn to the left of the smaller stick figured humans. each one is labled 'daddy', 'y/n', 'sarah', 'ellie', 'ollie'. i almost want to cry at how adorable it is. she smiles up at me so proud of her work. i almost want to take a picture of it, but decide to take one later.
i want to stay here forever, or atleast have something similar to this forever. joel sat puffing on his ciggarette a few inches away, admiring from a far as i interacted with his children. interactions that make him wish he could have met me first. before the barbaras, or annas. interactions that make me wish he was the man i met 7 years ago on a red carpet, wishing i hadnt spent 7 years delusionally praying for a ring from a man who fell less and less in love with me every day.
a car with a bright red and white papa johns logo attached to the top of it pulls into the driveway. its almost like the girls have a routine for pizza nights. they both jump up leaving the chalk on the sidewalk and run into the house squealling "pizza!!" as joel snuffed out his ciggarette against the porch before walking up the young brunnette man with a wad of cash in his hand. i similarly to the girls dicard the chalk on the pavement and walk inside. i wash my hands before meeting the two girls at the table. their father already passing out slices.
"cheese or peperoni ellie?" joel asks, ellie who sat up on her knees in the chair says "both!" he shakes his head "nope you wont eat it all one or none el's pick one" she pouts as her arms cross over her chest "peperoni" she mumbles under her breath as she sit back down on her butt. joel nods before placing a slice of peperoni pizza onto a red plastic plate and sliding it over to her. "cheese" sarah says before her father can even ask her.
my elbows are sat on the table, a piece of cheese pizza half eaten sit infront of me. this all seems like something taken straight out of a movie, family sitting at the table casually talking about each others days. sarah telling her dad about the funny joke her grandfather had told her last night, joel chuckling recalling the same joke being told to him more than 20 years ago when he was her age.
it all felt so sureal, like how could i be apart of this? i met these people less than 3 months ago and im somehow already at family dinners. sometimes it makes me feel insecure, at moments the thought of feeling so left out because this is not my family even though im sat at their family dinner. he's my boyfriend but these are his children not mine, ive known these people for less than 3 months and only been actually dating joel for one of those months.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
three loud sharp knocks that the front door pull me from my thoughts. joel sighs dropping his slice of pizza before getting up mumbling about how he'd 'be right back'. the dining room is silent as we listen to joels hushed voice whispering to whoever is on the other side of the door. sarah stands up slowly walking over to the doorway so she could get a look at whoever was at the door. ellie follows as usual. monkey see monkey do. a loud squel like shout makes me get up just in time to see sarah running to the woman stood at the door. "mommy!"
she looks like sarah, with the similar but tighter dark curls, and similar dark complection. she beautiful. her hair is pulled up in a ponytail, and though shes only wearing a tee-shirt and jeans she pulls it off fabulously. though there seems to be not even one wrinkle on her face i can tell she's closer in age to joel than i'll ever be. joels stood at the door uncomfortably as sarah hugs her mother. she's tall and thin, thinner than id ever thought about being, i could tell she was a model not only from her statcure but because i'd seen her only. probably an instagram account though i cant recall what platform i saw her on. "how've you been sarbear?" she asks as she hugs her daughter tightly. "good" sarah giggles as she steps away from her mother. the womans eyes now fall to ellie whos somehow now pushed herself behind me. "hey ellie how have you been" ellie shrugs from behind me.
joel tilts his head almost as if he's saying 'come here' i comply walking over to him with ellie trailing close behind. joel wraps his arm around my waist as the womans eyes fall to me. she looks me up and down about 2 times before smiling "and you must be..." she drags out the 'e' sound of be until i answer back meekly "y/n..im y/n" she nods a genuine smile on her face. "nice to meet you y/n. im barbara but you can just call be barb" i nod smiling. "how long have you two been together?" she asks eyes flicking up to joels "um bout 3 months right honey?" he says fake smile gracing his lips as he leans his head down a bit to press a kiss to my temple. "yeah about that" i say with a forced giggle as i lean into joel a little more. right in this moment my insecurities flood back in realizing i look nothing like her. she's thin, her body is fills out right where it needs to, she has no hip dips, no scars, no stretchmarks. she was perfect. if this was his ex was i not his type or was she not? i feel like i already know the answer to that question.
"barb why are you here?" joel asks, she looks at him and just laughs his words off. "im here to see my daughter" she says with a scoff as both her hands place on her hips. joel rolls his eyes "its not like you wanted to for the last 2 years" i know this is my cue to take the girls and let them have their 'adult conversation' so i pull away from joel and say "common girls lets go play with ollie?" both girl excitedly race up stairs towards joels room, where we had put ollie while we ate.
i sit on the bed with the girls my anxiety, and insecurities festering inside of me as the girls swooned over my cat. would barbara reappearing randomly rekindle their relationship? would i just be left in the dust? i know he was acting like he was annoyed with her downstairs but i bet if she tried he'd get back with her right? he'd probably rather be with the mother of one of his children than me. sarah deserved a perfect family, a mom, a dad, a little sister. she didnt deserve whatever she had right now, and i know joel knew that. and i know he didnt want it to be this way. from what i heard it seemed like she's not around alot and that why he's so uncomfortable with her being here, but if she preposed to start their relationship again i'd bet he'd agree.
her having him would mean she'd stay. even if it wasnt for sarah she'd stay, and sarah would have her mom back for good. there would be no need for some 'pretend mom' anymore. no more revolving door of girlfriends, though i despretly didnt want to be apart of that revolving door.
joel barges into the room, instructing both his daughter to get ready for bed before slamming the door shut behind him. leaving just him and i in the bedroom, alone. "she's staying the night." he grumbles arms wrapping around my waist as he pulled me close. i dont ask why feeling as though it none of my buisness. i hum with a small nod. "i was just bout to head out then" i say pressing my head into his shoulder.
our 'sleepovers' if you even can call them that normally only lasted one night maybe till dinner the next night but definetely not a second night. "you're leaving?" i can almost hear the frown on his lips. my brow furrow in confusion, normally he wouldnt budge when i said i was leaving. a few kisses and im normally off but not tonight. his arms instictivly wrap tighter around my waist as if to say 'dont go'. but his ex is here, sarahs mother, wouldnt that be a little awkward?
"thought i'd just go...cause she-she's here. but if you dont want me to leave i can stay" i whisper pressing a few soft kisses to joels exposed neck. "yeah" he mutters with a nod.
-
barbara is on the couch downstairs, both girls are fast asleep in their beds, and im still awake scrolling mindlessly though barbaras instagram. she's got millions of pictures posted dating all the way back to 2014. she's nice, and i really like her i do but i cant help but feel jealous of her when i get posts from 2015. most with joel who looks so much younger, i can tell she's pregnant in most of them. i cant help but obbsess over every part of her body that doesnt look like mine, wonder if he prefers her body over mine.
i wonder how she was during their relationship. was she good in bed? better than me? did he prefer sleeping with her? did he ever think about her? was she still friends with his friends? did his mom like her better than me? and it doesnt make this any easier on me knowing he's got a kid with her and not with me. she's forever attached to him because of sarah but me im disposable. his children arent my blood, they arent from my womb he can forget me easily if he really wanted too. he cant forget her because he see's her every time he looks at his daughter.
im trying to pick out something for me to hate her, and the only reason ive come up with is cause she's basically abandoned sarah. the only photos posted of sarah was 8 years ago on her birthday july 20th 2015 baby sarah all swadled up being held by barbara who laid in a hospital bed, joel stood next to her admiration and joy gleeming in his eyes. then 2 months later sarah being help by joel with the caption 'favorite people'. then after than nothing radio silent its like the baby disappears. people in the comments mustve thought that too because every comment for the next few months of posts are along the lines of 'wheres the baby?'. im guessing thats when she left.
i know joel loves me, and that im probably going crazy but i cant help but obbsess over her. "you're still awake?" joel slurs, voice deep from sleep. i turn off my phone immediately and turn so im facing him. one of his arms wraps around my waist pulling me closer to him. "cant sleep" i mutter as he pressees open mouthed kisses to my neck and jawline. even as he's practically sucking hickeys into my neck all i can think about is that he's probably done this to her, while she was laying on the same side i was as he whispered quiet 'i love you's into her neck. i cant help it as tears form in my eyes that are quickly blinked back. i cant let him know how insecure i actually am. i dont want him to know how isecure ive gotten in the last few hours because i know theres a chance i could get hurt.
"wha's wrong? youre tense" he says pulling away from me. i freeze staring him in the eyes as his brows curl into a furrow. "whats wrong?" his left hand reaches from my cheek caressing it softly. "nothing" i mutter leaning into his soft touch. he hums questionably like he doesnt believe me but goes onto press his lips against my none the less.
im so obssessed that once joel goes back to sleep i cant help but scroll her page. i dont even know why im so obsessed, its not like im ugly im just not anything like her.
Taglist
@taylarxse @none-of-this-makes-any-sense @ktheunready @camixkami @skysmiller @mars743 @tylrswftss @alyhull @jenna-mcgraw19 @h4teh3x @lexloon @greensabereyesforcevictim @cozylibraries @celebrities-imagines @nezukos-number1fan @abbysgirll @marispunk @hopelessromantic727 @fairyain @joeldjarin
23 notes · View notes
transxfiles · 3 months
Text
one of my top 10 hobbies has to be getting added to a large group chat and then people forgetting i am there.
9 notes · View notes
saeshiraw · 7 months
Text
tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
19 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months
Text
...
#tfw youre hanging out with friends and u throw out controversial take after controversial take#like its me hi im the hater its me#u wanna hear them? i mean thrm in in like the silliest way possible. its not that serious lol#i hated h4n solo growing up and still do. i dont think i like the writing of ne1l gaim4n and only liked the 1st season of g0od 0mens#i thought the 1st season of 0ur flag was fine and didnt really like the 2nd. i dont think anyone in l0rd of the rings is hot. especially#not 4aragon. leg0las is like whatever. sam is my favorite character. i also didnt like l0rd of the rings when i 1st watched it#the gathering was a watch party for that 1st movie and i like it way more now lol. also i dont like overt romance. i like the implication#of romance. if u kiss onscreen im like 99% of thr time not interested. also while im being a hater. i dont thibk steven king is a good#writer and domt like his books. i like the idea of them. wish they were written by anyone else lol. also im too dyslex1c to read physical#books :-( which no one vibes with bc everyone's a grad student overachiever lol. and back to back it all sounds like im trying to b#contrary but i promise its maybe just that i have weird standards. like i also hated movies about animals growing up. it made me mad that#those movies were trying to manipulate my feelings. like jesus child chill tf out. i would also randomly decide i hated lots of things and#characters. some of which i stand by today but most of which im like lol chill#so idk maybe i just have bad opinions. i also wander the earth wearing outfits that i pick out bc it feels like im playing dressup#and i have unhinged options abt narut0. sas and naru fall into the 1% of kisses i care abt lmao#and unhinged options abt bleach the show. idk maybe im just kinda weird. i also study organisms that most ppl look at as globs of goo#and i used to study bits of dirt. my brain was just build ever so slightly weird. not too weird. just enough that i have quote unquote#controversial takes ans im not afraid to say them in a room full of ppl who disagree with me bc its really not that serious lol#i dunno i just think its kinda funny i guess#im just slightly weird in the least interesting way possible#unrelated#also i don't yuvk other ppls yum im just like ay not for me i guess
7 notes · View notes
mejomonster · 2 months
Text
I would like. To be in mutual love
#rant#yeah...#...........................................................................................................................................#look its like this. im chronically ill. i know its not totally up to me i cant go out 1-3 times a week trying ro meet ppl. i know i#cant even eat some days my tummy too upset. cant work some days cant even sit up. can barely keep up witj friends i already have#and i know the being drained wont get better. i might be this sick forever. and i know im prioritizing my own art over#meetjng strangers. thats a choice. i know its my own fault im lonely. i also just. i wanna build a relationship#that long term where u meet and become friends then best friends then fall in love and hey if ur lucky marry ur best friend#and i know that wont come from forcing myself on dates w ppl i dont like. i know no ones ever liked me before#i know i havent felt attraction in years anyway. i miss having a crush. but i suppose itd be sad anyway. to crush and not be liked back#to feel ill need to wait another 5 years for another rare crush. i dont believe in fate i dont think. so i might not ever#kiss someoje i like. i might not get lucky and hold a crushs hand. spend months or years with someone like that#i just. i hate so much romance isnt like skills. i cant just date 1x a week until i run into love#i cant even find 1 person a month to crush on let alone ask out. cause the feelings are luck too#luck of who u run into even if u go tl events. even wuen i had 10k tinder matches the only date#the only person who respjded. was someone with a gf who didnt have much in common with me and me not mucj w them and it#was just not enough click to even make a friend#god it makes me sad. id like to kiss someone special. hold their hand. hear em talk hours#i have friends and love em but i dont wanna kiss a friend. i just dont feel romancy very much.
6 notes · View notes
bluejaybytes · 12 days
Text
@snowshinobi Hiiiii :3 I'm responding to your tags on a new post and not the original since the original was already somewhat lengthy, and I plan on being LONG and RAMBLY, but I have sooo many thoughts on what you said and I'm going to say them. Also my browser crashed TWICE (TWO TIMES. 2) when trying to write this post so I'm really fighting for my life out here to get my silly little OC posts done. Also it's under the cut because it's looooong as hell LMAO
Firstly, you're so nice to me forever <3 Secondly, I think you've basically hit the nail on the head. The majority of the issues Maggie has coming back from death and her 9 years gone are really tied almost exclusively to her close family, because she... never really had anyone else. While in-universe it's only 9 years, realistically the jump in technology and culture is around ~20-30 years (Maggie died in the 90s/early 2000s essentially, and wakes up in a just barely futuristic city), but... the most jarring thing to her in terms of what she missed out on is just. Flipphones are no longer popular. Other than her family, she's only close with one other person... who just so happens to be a ghost, and therefore both 1. Wouldn't change much over the timespan due to how long she's been a ghost and 2. Unlike her family, was aware that something happened, since she could see the ghost-of-a-ghost Maggie left behind (The ghosts name is Opal, she positions herself as a sort of "guardian angel" figure, though she's not actually, and serves as just another parental figure for Maggie while also getting after the ghosts that constantly harass her to pass on messages to the living). Maggie has no real relationships outside of her family, and while her relationships with her family are massively impacted by her unknowing death, other than that... the timeskip itself doesn't weigh on her because she had no one regardless. Her struggle to adjust to everything thats happened would've happened regardless of the timeskip for her, because she was such an isolated shut-in that it's the same whether it happened the next day, or nearly a full decade later
Tumblr media
So another very interesting thing is that you've actually completely seen where I was going with everything, in spite of everything I said being very surface level and not actually delving into the plot at all. I completely skimmed over Jenna (She's very important to the plot, but she's by in large a regular person as opposed to Maggie's... everything), but for some additional context, Jenna has a horrendously shitty homelife, so her moving in with Maggie is both a gradual process (It goes from spending time there, to spending nights, to eventually just never going back home and moving in fully), and also serves as an escape for her. Part of that is also, so vitally, the food aspect. For some additional additional context, souls essentially serve as a persons lifeforce, practically every bodily function is improved by a soul that's stronger, though the "strength" of a soul is essentially entirely random, and not dependent on the individuals actions of any kind. Maggie had a generally weird soul before (Seeing ghosts inherently means she has to have something going on with her soul), but when she wakes up after her death, her soul is now even weirder, and part of that is that it essentially lets her get away with bad habits she absolutely should be seeing more consequences for. She barely eats, and when she does, it's basically exclusively crackers and whatever other safe foods she has around the house, because actually making food is a level of care and effort she just... doesn't give to herself in the slightest. Part of Jenna staying with her is that Jenna, without really discussing it, entirely takes up the mantle of caretaker of the apartment, with the biggest task being food prep, Jenna sees Maggie's unwillingness to take care of herself and silently steps up and starts making her actual meals so she's eating properly.
The problem is is that this also kinda... just straight up sucks? Jenna doesn't think much of it, it's something that needed to be done so she's doing it, she wants Maggie to be well fed even if she won't do it herself, and she's already been responsible for making all of her own meals for years prior anyways, so it's just another thing she does. Except that's shitty! Maggie's seen firsthand how terrible her homelife is, and it really weighs on her how even in her escape from that, Jenna's still being put in a position where she feels like she must care for her or else she just won't eat properly. So food is such a massively important thing to both of them, it's this symbol of love for both of them, it's love on the part of Jenna, for stepping in and taking care of Maggie when she can't do it herself, and it's love on the part of Maggie, for realizing how her own bad habits impact the people she cares about and wanting to lift that weight by taking care of herself better. It's also very vital for Maggie because she just... doesn't... have hobbies. Learning how to cook becomes really her only hobby and she puts all of her love and care into it, because for the first time in a long while she's actually passionate about something! ...Unfortunately she also is very very bad at it. She's inventing new dishes like "Burnt Salad" and "Please Help I Fucked Up Kraft Mac N Cheese" and still having to have Jenna come in and help her. But it's the thought that counts, and it'll only be a matter of time before she can make something vaguely edible.
Tumblr media
And finally, the stuff about names! I didn't post it here, but while idly talking about her in a Discord server I'm in, I definitely think that had I made Maggie like even a few months later than I would've done she would've been nonbinary. As it stands right now though, I'm saying she's probably some form of genderweird but too busy trying not to die to think about it <3 Growing up knowing that ghosts are real and routinely being shut down by authority figures in her life about it has made her very aware of how bullshit a lot of things are and how the people who claim to be knowledgeable tend to not know what they're talking about (Beyond just the "people don't think ghosts are real", she's also got ghosts willing to tell her when people are lying because they've got nothing better to do than just gossip) , so if she spent even just a moment thinking about gender as a social construct she'd instantly recognize that and probably take up some form of genderweird label, but as it stands she's just too stressed with Being The Protagonist to think about that
Now, the thing with Margaret. I'm not even going to lie to you, I think you made a better connection to how a name connects with community in terms of the narrative themes than I did. The thing with Margaret denying the name "Maggie" existed for two reasons, the in-universe explanation is that, with the little scrap of soul Margaret has leftover from Maggie, it's essentially working overtime just to keep her vitals working, it can't dedicate time and energy to making her an individual with preferences and a personality, so part of that is that she doesn't respond to "Maggie" because ultimately, that is not her name. Her name is Margaret and she's not going to respond to "Maggie" because "Maggie" isn't her name. Of course, out of universe the reasoning is that I wanted an easy way to distinguish between Maggie as she is the protagonist, and the version of her that lived in the years she was gone, so different names makes the most sense.
I think your connection to how name relates to community genuinely works on a level I hadn't fully pieced together myself yet and I really love that because I think that absolutely works with everything. One of the main conflicts of the plot is how Maggie is entirely disconnected from her family thanks to the years she was gone, with Margaret having no priorities beyond "survive", she basically never spoke with her parents or brother for years. While her family tried to reach out to her repeatedly (Especially given that, while they're unaware the truth of what happened the night Maggie was murdered, they do know something happened, and they believe that whatever it was severely traumatized her, and that's where the sudden and drastic shift in personality came from), there's a point where they just... gave up. She wasn't trying to talk with them or contact them in the slightest, so around a year or two after Margaret moved out, her parents gave up on her. Her brother would still be there a bit, but he also didn't really... try... anymore.
When Maggie wakes up, she tries to call her parents... and they don't pick up. They'd grown resentful over the years, and now that Maggie wants to talk to them, they don't forgive her for the years of not speaking to them, and aren't interested in whatever she has to say after nearly a decade of trying to reconnect with her and being met with nothing. It's her insistence that she wants to be called Maggie that actually gets her brother to realize she's telling the truth and that something happened. She shows up at his door, already something that Margaret wouldn't have done, and that combined with her being visibly upset when he calls her Margaret and tells him that's not her and that she's Maggie, it signals to him that whatever's going on is real (...though he would've figured this out eventually, given that she also literally 17 again and not in her mid-20s, and has a giant glowing stab wound in her chest). I think it works absolutely perfectly as being a symbol of community, her disconnect from her community is what led to her being called Margaret, and her desperation to be returned to that community is when she's Maggie again. So uh. Congrats on getting the themes of my OCs better than I did <3
Tumblr media
And uhhhh closing thoughts! I honestly did still skim over the majority of the plot (Literally never even mentioned Eli or what's going on with her stab wound </3), but I think you reeeeally hit the nail on the head with everything I'm kinda getting at with these OCs, which is... frankly wild given how little main plot I actually got at. Basically everything I mentioned in my original post was the setup, not the main plot. But waaaaugh thank you for being so niceys to me and also giving me another excuse to ramble endlessly <3
#my OCs#uhhh MAGGIE FUN FACTS:#Animals can tell when a soul is weird so she has a colony of stray cats that hang around her apartment door#she doesnt even LIKE animals that much (She barely takes care of HERSELF shes not taking care of any animals.)#but they all like her weirdass soul and keep hanging around because of it#When the plot ends she gives one of the stray cats to her parents as a 'sorry i died' gift#The cats name is Marge- named by Jenna and also specifically its 'Marge' said in a Simpsons impression. any Simpson#It's Jennas FAVORITE cat out of the strays bc she says she looks like Maggie. also Marge is a male cat#Neither Jenna nor Maggie know how to tell the difference between a male and female cat reliably so they assume Marge is female- hes not#Also Eli's the closest to the 'main antagonist' the story gets. hes an old coworker of Margarets and basically her only friend#and Maggie's too scared with her whole 'is actively dying' thing and doesnt know how to tell him 'hey im not your friend- she died'#ELI thinks that Margaret is essentially have some sort of extreme mental breakdown and is trying to get her help bc he cares about her-#-unaware that Maggie is essentially a different person and doesnt know him#anyways uhhhh Maggie attempts to beat him to death with her laptop once. sorry Eli. luckily shes 17 and scrawny as fuck-#-so he's able to throw her off of him but its still. BAD#Maggie's got INSANE insomnia for a large variety of reasons- and falls asleep on the floor one night while on her laptop#Eli- having gotten off work late and going to check on Margaret- who hasnt shown up to work in weeks and isnt answering her phone#-spots Maggie passed out on the floor and assumes shes having some sort of medical emergency#Margaret had left her spare keys at work which he'd grabbed- so he lets himself in to get her to a hospital#Only for Maggie to wake up. With a strange man in her apartment in the middle of the night. Wuh Oh !#THIS time however- when she's home alone (shes not alone Jenna's asleep in the other room) and she spots a stranger in her house-#-she ends up with a fight reaction and NOT freeze <3#also her full name is Margaret Elisabeth Newell and her brothers name is Hawke#one of the very few times i will give my OC a full name- and entirely bc my friend suggested her last name LMAO#also she believes in bigfoot. GHOSTS are real and theyre WAY less believable than 'big ape' so she fully believes it#Opal keeps trying to tell her no that ones ACTUALLY not real and shes like uh huh. sure. ill believe it when i see it
5 notes · View notes
get-more-bald · 3 months
Text
the thing is that I'm constantly in a fandom mood to distract myself from everything. but when I fall out of that mood I just think I'm worthless for not having a personality beyond chronically online idiot.
2 notes · View notes
girl-bateman · 4 months
Text
Crazy how many kids grow up afraid that someone else will find out abt their parents substance abuse issues when it is something that literally affects 1 in 8 families.
Crazy how many kids grow up feeling lonely and misunderstood while there are likely several other kids in their class going through the same thing.
Crazy how many kids grow up isolating themselves and lying to others for the protection and comfort of parents whose job it should be to protect them.
5 notes · View notes
wickershells · 5 months
Text
txt
#i just dont really know what to do. my friends never express concern for me and they never tell me they love me without overt irony or some#watering down of the sentence. they never reach out when i need them and everything they say is so detached and distant and cold#and maybe im just in my head again maybe its getting to the time of year when my life routinely falls apart moreso than all the other month#but i feel so abandoned all the time. and stupid. and unloveable. my friend once told me that her love for me would erode#whenever i vanished for mental health reasons so i stopped vanishing and started instead pushing through the illness and opening up more to#her but it was too much for her to handle and all my baggage almost ended our friendship so here i am vanishing again except this time with#the debilitating knowledge that every day she loves me less and less and less. if i am not there she stops loving me and if i am she stops#loving me. what do i do. my illness takes everything from me every damn thing. she wont call me but she bought a ticket to see me in januar#and i cant reconcile it. shes visiting her girlfriend and its the same price to come over here too so i guess why not. its not really#for me. we dont have plans to do anything for my birthday and i doubt she will offer and i dont want to be the one to do so like last year#i want someone to love me without me asking them to. i want to be able to trust people without having it broken. i want to feel like an#equal and not so inferior all the time. i'm not her best friend anymore. she doesnt tell me personal things she doesnt share everything#she used to with me. i try and try to start doing the things we used to but she doesnt do them. i shared my location again but she didnt#share hers. so i stopped again and she didnt even ask me why. she has not asked if im okay in weeks. if i vanished forever i dont think#she would even notice. i cant see her mourning the loss of me. i dont think i matter that much to her. and it is so painful#with both of my best friends i watch them gladly do things with other people and never do things with me unless i beg. i am constantly#excluded from their lives i am the outsider friend. and it is so damn lonely. and every time i'm presented w the opportunity to make new#friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen#or constantly sad and it's poisonous i feel poisonous. i'm not fit for community despite how desperate i am for it i just feel perpetually#undeserving. and so stupid and unsuccessful in comparison to them. i'm too much effort to be around and i get why i really do#even this it's just so much heaviness all the time i am such a burden. they just don't love me as much anymore. love lost#added to my family baggage and my dead childhood dog and the nothingness of my future i just can't see myself continuing i don't know what#to do. my parents don't support me my friends are never there the nhs is a joke i am actually genuinely alone lol#what if i can't recover. some people are destined not to. what if that's me. what if i am never happy. i'm never going to accomplish#anything i'm stuck here. stagnant and unmoving. the most disposable and useless person alive#sorry. will delete later as usual. but for reasons stated above i have nowhere else to put these thoughts#and i am drowning in them#vent
4 notes · View notes
bylertruther · 1 year
Text
thinking about how lonnie only ever cared about will when he died and that was just to profit off of his death + will giving a girl he doesn't know his toy truck just because she's crying and he thinks she needs it more even if he knows joyce can't buy him another one + one of the very first things will did upon waking up in the hospital was ask if jonathan was okay + will telling them to close the gate in season two even though he's part of the hivemind and that would've killed him, too + will breaking his own heart by confessing his feelings and giving mike the painting he's spent so long on but saying that all of it came from el thus sacrificing his own wants and self to again help others + how that same selflessness and self-sacrificing nature of his is going to undoubtedly rear its head in season five again because he's at the center of it all and it all goes back to him and vecna is a creature that feeds off of n fans the flames of pain and guilt... feelin very scared n anxious in this chili's tonight over this actually 😳
#he is NOT going to die obviously clearly we know this they're not killing kids#BUT.#i'm just saying.... i don't think it would be crazy for him to feel guilty and like maybe this wouldn't have happened if...#well... u kno.. :(#he would never give up bc that's literally his whole thing that he's a fighter and a survivor#but. he does love his friends and his family. and he has been willing to die if it meant saving them before so like. yanno.#BUT IT WON'T HAPPEN I'M JUST SAYING THE ANGST IS LIKELY GOING TO BE THERE#AND THEN OFC EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY WILLIAM SHUT UP SIT DOWN AND GO TO TIME OUT#and then we'll get some good n scrumptious hurt/comfort ok no one stone me i'm knocking on wood ok i Kno#just imagine will proposing that and everyone immediately says NO and mike especially gets pissed#because he's SICK and TIRED of fucking losing will every single time he thinks he's got him back#and god dammit he's already seen what life is like without will there he's not going to do it again he's NOT#don't go where i can't follow + crazy together + it was the best thing i've ever done + it's hawkins it's not the same without you#versus closegate + el commissioned it + she needs you and she always will#mike who is clutching onto will for dear life unwilling to let him go and will who is all too willing to#walk through the gates of hell if it means saving everyone he's ever loved and putting them out of their misery#but of course there's a better plan and letting will die is like killing a puppy it's like taking a sledgehammer to the foundation of#everything yanno. without heart we'd all fall apart n u can't beat the darkness without the light#anyway. can u tell i'm procrastinating editing my fic rn n thats why im writing epic poems in these tags <3#mine
17 notes · View notes
oatbugs · 2 years
Text
found a bunch of old voice memos and this is the first time i've listened to my own voice and thought yeah it makes so much sense that people have loved this person . woah
#personal#i was singing a song under another song (saw my wings with the bodies in the gutter). there is someone else and i cant#recognise their voice . i think maybe i was drunk and maybe so were they . i have no idea who they are but their voice is so pretty.#i ask them if theyre ok and they ask if im sure im okay with this. and then they say see you soon and theres the sound of the door.#theres the voice of someone else after this too. they say listening to chase atlantic feels like sex . i have no idea who this person is.#this file is full of strings rising and falling. reverb of a massive space. some symphony inside interrupted by another symphony.#i remember laying on the floor of the orchestra hall to listen and to hide. i remember laying my hand on the floor and thinking i could#recognise this piece just by the way the ground vibrates.#i've been thinking a lot about mereology. sorry for not talking about nihilism the past week - everyone around me has been falling apart.#this month i have watched others be stricken by grief. the other side of the equation. one day i will create a poem about the way holes are#one whole part. the way disconnects are connected to the fabric of absence. (i saw your guts without the skin attached)#i could hear how in love i was when i asked the unknown voice if they would like some water. i blew out the candles and one stayed lit.#you don't need to tell me. forever and ever. strictly fall for academics and people with a passion. asked my mathematician about manifolds#and he asked me about his hair. i will wake up tomorrow if only it is to spend half an hour making tea. the concept of going to my country#is an oncoming train with a minute's delay. i told them i want to be their friend and they told me theyd like to meet up soon#and test how deep they can bite like good friends do. do you feel ashamed of my degree? do you feel ashamed of#your dry lips? skull fast-tracked to the floor. i have a jar of hand-picked dried damask roses for tea. ill tell you about k-theory until#you shut me up.
22 notes · View notes
lunarhoneybunny · 8 months
Text
sighs. okay tmi posting sorry guys
#lunar bunny chatter#my horniness has been fluctuating the last day or so and it's definitely because of my period. this morning was crazy#i went to some DMs to listen to an audio message i got and i just died again and thought about some stuff which led me back onto tumblr#and i just went to look at some text posts and now that i look back. dude i have such an atrocious daddy/mommy kink it's actually funny#i mean. i really like the idea of being an appealing figure and my criteria for who i call daddy is so specific. there's just two people#that fall into that category but i don't like the other person as much as the other one. hi sorry for being gay i need this off of my chest#also hanging out with some friends and im so bad at comebacks and all that. how the fuck am i gonna top without stuttering and fumbling#and forgetting words.... that's my biggest worry. it doesn't help that i get super chatty when nervous but maybe i can work it in my favor#i wanna try out the title stuff just to test the waters before going absolutely ham. maybe as a cute joke i'll go “oh sure w/e u say daddy”#“lol haha” but it just seems real fun. i think it's hot too but. yeah it's a lot to unpack ahaha.#i still have a lot of guilt for talking dirty and being more brave when talking but that's just because i always felt like i didn't have...#the right to explore that especially when a lot of people i knew back then thought of me as “pure and innocent girl” and like. yeah fuck no#this was a really meandering ramble but my point: “daddy hot mommy hot i wanna explore that and im also nervous about stuff”#i do genuinely enjoy when i get in the mood though especially with someone i trust and like. click with? i hope that isn't too much to say#but it feels very natural and i don't have to force or hide anything. i just need a bit more confidence ahaha#that's all the rambling i got in me im gonna listen to some classic music from latin artists because im silly and mildly sentimental rn.
3 notes · View notes