#i think ive gotten maybe a bit better at anatomy since

[the-darkgod]

actually continuing off my earlier thing-

i dont think that me being nonbinary is like, new. i think in a way that is similar to other peoples stories, i remember being a young teenager and trying on binders in my room (and then going "oh man. this is something i should not focus on for now and let me think about it later. took me almost 10 yrs but i finally thought about it!) and things like, feeling uncomfortable about having boobs when i was in middle school, never wanting to talk about or have anyone know i had my period (incl. like, female friends)

but on the other hand, its so hard to separate discomfort bc of like gender identity vs being uncomfortable bc of the way that ppl expect 'women' to look. like someone posted about how fat ppl are kinda their own gender and i think it got dunked on but honestly? i kinda feel that (but maybe thats bc im a fat person who did end up being nonbinary), but its like, if you're not the 'typical' body (esp if youre growing up around a bunch of other skinny girls) then you feel uncomfortable w it, and the question of is it discomfort due to gender dysphoria or due to just like... general body dislike is a hard one, i think sometimes? for me, at least. it was

(readme for space purposes)

like was i uncomfortable with my boobs bc i didnt like that they were there at all? or was i uncomfortable w them bc i felt like they weren't 'big' enough or that i wasnt skinny enough to be considered pretty?

for someone who had absolutely 0 introspection... this distinction was (is) really hard to make

and then theres this sort of... desire to fit in, i guess? that i feel very strongly. i try to kinda ignore it but theres always been this like longing in my heart to be the 'normal', even tho i know all the reasons why thats wrong. and i think to myself about how in high school i had a fashion blog and would look up what clothes looked good together, looked up how to wear make up correctly (never got good at it tho lol), tried wearing perfume, etc.

how id go shopping w my mom for clothes and always buy feminine clothes, always tried to like how i looked in them even tho it always felt a bit off

and its like, did it feel off bc i wasnt the pretty skinny girl who would fit into those clothes? or did it feel off bc i was trying to pretend to be a woman when i wasnt? i feel like i (and im sure many others) have such a complicated relationship with gender that its hard to kinda detangle the experiences into clear symbols of one thing or another. esp someone like me who is.... historically indecisive and overthinking and overanalyzing everything lol

on one hand ive gotten more comfortable with my body in masculine clothes. i remember the time i got a sports bra that was a little too small and wore that and was like oh. i actually really like how this makes me look. and never stopped wearing sports bras since then lol

and while a lot of the more masculine clothes do make me feel better than the feminine ones did, its not like none of the feminine clothes ever never felt good, yknow? and a lot of the masculine clothes kinda Suck bc i dont have the anatomy to really wear them right, and end up just feeling worse, etc etc. but it just feels tricky. like, i dont quite know what to do about all of this. i dont know what to make of it really

#alex speaks #gender thoughts

[mothlegs]

i am tired and cozy and in a good mood so i will talk about how i got all my books :)

tired cozy also gives me a bit of bravery so i am hugging all my mutuals. especially two specific ones because i see you doing badly but i am too shy to approach you directly so i hope you see this and magically know i am giving you the most caring hugs and i hope things are better soon

anyways books:) or well bookcase, not all reading books. im looking from my bed so i cant see all of them But

Sketch Books x2 (+1 smol ver)

i dont know how i got thes3 actually. maybe from tiger? i miss when tiger was t. uh. how do you spell that. tier..? ti'er?? idunno. the old name. i think these are all filled up, i think i got the first one when i was 10 :]

ANATOMY

This is a book full of naked people that i guess i accidentally stole. oops. i borrowed it from a now ex family friend who is insanely good at art, when i was like 12 or 13, and then it ended up on my floor and i ended up telling people he was kinda Weird(bad) about me (regret! made everything bad despite being true) so now we dont talk to him anymore so he cant get the book back. bah

Uhh a connect the dots magazine(?) my grandma gave me. dunnno when. i dont think ive touched it since :( sad cause i love connecting dots

I Am Looking From My Bed So Can't See What These Are x2 + Some loose papers

Fancy journal/sketch book/idk my mom bought for me in the big city :)!!

Undertale art book <333

I got it as a very late christmas present when i was 11 or 12 years old as well as some other undertale stuff and i literally started crying

I think this ones a diary i never really used that my mom got me and my grandma years ago. oop

Dear Evan Hansen !!!

i love this book. it is better than the musical. i love miguel and they had a perfect opportunity to put him in the movie but they didnt so i hope the movie goes to the movie version of hell

i got it when i was 14 i think? the week before it came i was actively suicidal in a "i feel a burning need inside me that is screaming at me to die" and that book might just be the only reason i didnt attempt then

Salmon Coloured Book From Tiger. cant see anything else about it and i have no memory of it

Skammeren's Datter

i think my grandma found this being given away for free at the library? one of my favourite books as a child my mom used to read it to me before bed when i was 11:)

Fængslende Tanker

book about intrusive thoughts my mom borrowed me at some point within the last 2 or 3 years

Tidsfangen

also my moms it is fiction i remember nothing about it oop

The Song of Achilles

i saw it on tumblr and liked it so got it as a gift at some point. i dont remember when, i still havent read it :(

Books my grandma got from a library giving them away x6

i havent read any of these:( also dont remember when i got them

Skammeren's Datter 1-2 & 3-4

the full series im p sure!! wanna reread themm

MAUS

i got it for my last birthday!! i havent gotten very far in reading but it is very good and i am learning and developing curiousities

The Unofficial Ghibli Cookbook

also for my last birthday!! havent made anything from it yet but it is really cool and i am so excited to make food from my favourite movies:))

Fever Series x3 (+1 in my nightstand)

currently rereading these, i havent read the 4th book tho

i found the first book at the library when i was pretty small, definitely less than 10, but i was too scared to read it. i think i gave up on reading it like 3 times but i kept thinking about it and eventually i read it and fell in looove. i love these books so much:D they are about everyone in sweden dying of fever except some kids:)

The Witch Boy

i first saw this book in sweden when i was 13 years old. it was in the basement of a game store, which is also the only store i have bought my own dice from. it also had a life size alien from the movies

i dont remember when i got the book myself though :( ive read some of it some years ago but dont think i finished it

More books my grandma got for free from the library x6

Wreck This Journal

my mom gave it to me when i was like 11 but i never really got to wrecking it u.u

Dreadnought

IT IS ABOUT A TRANS SUPERHERO :D her name is danny and i read some of it a summer in a tiny bedhouse (1 room building with 2 beds and nothing else. didnt even have a real door!!) at my aunties summerhouse (they are rich) i think i heard of it on tumblr. i love this book a lot but i havent finished it u.u

Extra Room No Books

d&d stuffs, some small toys and plushies, uuuh i see a small cardboard box but i dont remember whats inside:)

Shelf Below My Fancy Clothes

BNHA 1-17 i think?? also some Vigilantes, Black Butler 1+2, Bungou Stray Dogs 1, iii think thats it? i cant see it from here so idk

all of these were gifts from my grandma :)

"Nightstand" (chair thing i use as a nightstand)

First fever book

Killing Stalking 1+2 (bought at a comic store myself!! i was literally jumping around the store i was so excited to be there there was so much cool manga and there was stuff by neil gaiman!!! this is where bsd and the cookbook are from too)

The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy (given to me by a mutual actually :3 but like. mmmany years ago and i still havent read it >_o im sowey but i appreciate it a lot and i treasure it forever)

#mothicaws #mothyposting

[githvyrik]

I’m seriously drawing my naruto oc again

#curious to see what’s changed since i last drew her................. #i dont remember her entire design i’ll have to dig up the sketchbook #i think ive gotten maybe a bit better at anatomy since #but tbh im almost feeling like not much has rly changed with my art now vs then and that doesnt exactly inspire confidence in my skills #naruto

[seenashwrite]

I am considering getting an anti-possession tattoo, but I am afraid of needles. Do you have any advice?

Do I?!

I won’t ask what it is, exactly, that is trying to possess you. This is a personal matter, and I’ll assume you’ve chosen the correct design for your needs.

I shall also assume you’ll take in as finely-rendered design as possible, in black-and-white, no shading or such (unless another copy, just for their reference) so that they may clearly see what you want and make any transfers to a guide easier. I’ll ALSO-also assume you’ve vetted the shop appropriately via word of mouth and health department rating.

Having said that, what’s below is actually legit advice coming out of NashHole, Inc. for once, and I’ll shoot you straight, a bit from personal experience but mostly factoids body/anatomy-wise. Let us begin.

Sounds like this is your first one, yeah? Going off of that…

Keep it small. I don’t mean size-of-a-pencil-eraser small, I mean more in the range of fits-into-the-palm-of-your-hand dimensions at a maximum, in that ballpark.

Since you’ve got a needle worry, advise don’t go fancy - tons of colors (just one, maybe two) and shading and twisty-curlies and stuff that would make Escher tingly. Basic, basic, basic. Make this an in-and-out to the degree it’s possible.

No aspirin or ibuprofen ahead of time - the former thins blood, the latter can potentiate bleeding in some folks. Tattoos bleed, but shouldn’t go on and on and on, y’know? Think more like a moderately skinned knee - that kind’ve scattered action - no gushing or anything. Many tattoo parlors - the good ones - will refuse service if you come in and are clearly under the influence of something, be it painkiller pills or Xanax or alcohol or weed. You need to be able to give informed consent. Plus, does nobody any good if you’re puking or rambling or can’t focus on staying still. They’ll also stop cold (or should be) if you pass out.

On the subject of pre-medicating, don’t do any topical creams for numbing, if you know someone who’d write a prescription. They’re not meant for stuff like this, EMLA and others in that vein don’t penetrate to the layer where tattoos go, and are meant for one-stick jams (epidurals, port access, lumbar punctures, gums pre-Novocaine injection, quick piercings, etc.). Could it get you over the initial hump? Maybe. I’ve heard tale of it being helpful in things like the start of electrolysis in sensitive (read: genital) areas, and the quick boop! boop! boop!-s for radiation tattooing, and the start of more advanced things like wound debridement, but as for the latter, there’s very likely more pain stuff on board, as can be quite painful. I legit think it’s a waste of time and money, and that’s primarily because…

…about a third or so of the way through, you’ll notice that your body will stop going WHAT THE HELL, and it’s not that you won’t still feel it happening, but the pain receptors have gotten a handle on the sensation. The sharpness of it, for lack of better word, isn’t as striking to your brain anymore. And, of course, you’ve entered the situation by choice, vs. a situation that’s a surprise and starts setting off the whole flight-fight-freeze cascade. 

Having said that? The part about your body getting used to it? Location, location, location. Choose a place that’s between bony and smushy. Those areas are gonna hurt more. You want dense, firm. Places where it has some “give” when you push in. Like, feel around your neck. Notice how in front, you can press in a lot, then as you go behind, it gets firmer. Also notice the skin - more delicate, right? Steer away from delicate. So - top of feet, top of hands, inner arms, inner thighs. And for heaven’s sake, don’t go genitalia ballpark or ass or boobs/nips for your first time.

Some will say inner wrist or inner arm is ideal, but I’m telling you: with your needle thing, it’s gonna hurt like crazy. Other areas that will hurt like crazy are the bony parts - the ones you can’t mash very far in with your fingertips. So - ankle area, to be sure (unless you’re pitching it a decent distance above, more on your lower leg, inner or outer), clavicle area (collarbone), and - again - top of hands/top of feet/fingers/toes. I cannot emphasize how vascular the inner wrist and tops of hands/feet are; there will be more blood, there just will be, and methinks that’ll ramp your anxiety unnecessarily, just choose somewhere else. “But Nash, I’m not some skinny bird bones person!”  ::sighs:: This is punching deeper than you may realize, it has to in order for it to be “permanent” (they fade, as you know), so it’s gotta be a decent amount below the epidermis or else tattoos would slough away in a heartbeat. It ain’t gonna hit bone, but it sure as shit could seem like it to you, so just dodge that bullet for now, huh? Til you know how your body reacts to tattooing, pain-and-anxiety wise. You can always add to or get more.

In terms of location as related to time, and regardless of your personal body type/weight, go for as flat a surface as possible. That’s easier on the tattoo artist as well. And will help you stay still. So what are some good places that are firm but not bony or smushy?Biceps/shoulder, top of arms, top of thighs, calves, high pectoral (boobs), sternum (smack in middle of chest), possibly belly depending on your body/your weight, back of neck, and honestly, essentially the entirety of your back. Mine’s in the center of a scapula (shoulder blade), he just leaned me over a chair I sat in backwards, and my upper body was against the tilted headrest, folded my right onto a padded table he pulled over, rested my head on it, dropped the left (it’s on L scapula) to make it even surface. Piece of cake. Flat areas are also easier even if you’ve got pudge on a given place, because it’ll flatten in kind, whereas pudgy ass and big boobage just, like, spreads everywhere, it’s hard to keep it stable, so it’s gonna - naturally - take more time. Talking about your back, though, remember: if mid-back, the more it creeps around the sides, you’re getting into rib town, which - weight/amount of pudge aside - is a curved surface.

RE: the position I was in? Here’s my last tip in terms of location in the context of the needle anxiety: consider places where you won’t be able to see them doing it. This kinda goes with my “keep it small and simple” stance, you’re not gonna feel the need to watch them like a hawk to make sure they aren’t screwing up (plus, you should’ve already perused their portfolio of work to gauge their talent/style) and can concentrate on relaxing. Don’t bring a friend or family member who is giddy or hyper or chatty. Mellow. Mellllllllow.

Needle-wise, this is not like a vaccine or an IV or a blood draw, because we’re talking tiiiiiiiiny diameter and it’s sooooo fast. I mean, a stick’s a stick - it’s sharp. Different broad sensation, though, because of the rapid-fire and it’s a spread vs. concentrated in a single spot, and it’s not like a vaccine (deep into muscle) or Novocaine/Lidocaine for root canal/suturing (moderately deep/not into muscle) or an IV/blood draw (miiiildly deep, into vein) because those leave a bruise or lasting ache once all’s said and done. This’ll be sore and have some puffy inflammation when it’s over but more in the dermatology sense. You don’t feel like there’s this hole bored into you that’s trying to heal up, in other words. May get itchy later, too. (don’t scratch!)

Last, wear clothes that can slip off the area, or just one part can be taken off. RE: mine on the scapula - I wore a tank top and just took off my outer button-down, then slipped the strap and my bra strap off my arm. So think ahead depending on location - for instance, loose athletic pants with drawstring (scoots easy for lower back, rolls up easy for lower leg).

And remember: you can always stop. I know, I know, it might mean you’ve got, like, a line in bright purple on your lower back, but like I said, you can always add to it once you re-group, try again later.

#Dear Nash #NONNERS #Not Tyler Durden #I swear #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

[seokjinchuriki]

85 statements

tagged by @mochiminii, its been while since ive been tagged in anything, so thank you miss athena (´ ∀ ` *)

rule: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people (i dont even think i know people oOF)

last

1. drink - a good ol’ caprisun 2. phone call - my mom 3. text message - my best friend oOF 4. song you listened to - love scenario by the one and onLY IKON 5. time you cried - man i cry a lot hdkadhdjkadj i would say this morning???

ever

6. dated someone twice - ... yes   7. kissed someone and regretted it - what is a kiss???????????? 8. been cheated on - sadly yes 9. lost someone special - hasnt everyone? 10. been depressed - still am quite depressed 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - no no no

fave colours

12. gray 13. black 14. white

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - yes 16. fallen out of love - ...idk? 17. laughed until you cried - yeah yeah 18. found out someone was talking about you - sadly yes 19. met someone who changed you - yee  20. found out who your friends are - yes and now i only have oNE 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - i havent been on facebook in so long wdhwkadjhw

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - i dont go on facebook djawkdla 23. do you have any pets - my dog, mickey, and my lovely bearded dragon, larry (aka koobee, aka michael, aka rong)  24. do you want to change your name - i like my name 25. what did you do for your last birthday - i went out to eat with my aunt and best friend and had the time of my life 26. what time did you wake up today - 0700 grOSS 27. what were you doing at midnight last night - having a crisis... and crying a lil 28. what is something you cant wait for - HOBI’S MIXTAPE, THE HIXTAPE 30. what are you listening to right now - to grey’s anatomy in the background 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yes my uncles name is tom 32. something that’s getting on your nerves - life. yeah, just life. 33. most visited website - youtube !!! 34. hair colour - really dark brown??? it turns orange in the sun? idk 35. long or short hair - long 36. do you have a crush on someone - KIM SEOKJIN HELLO THERE 37. what do you like about yourself - my hair (when it actually cooperates with me) 38. want any piercings? - nah  39. blood type - O neg 40. nicknames - meo (my parents call me this, its cat in vietnamese!), i use to have a bunch but- yeah- 41. relationship status - im in a relationship, yeah... how? idk 42. zodiac - taurus  43. pronouns - she/her (honestly idc much about pronouns though dhjawkd) 44. fave tv shows - shERLOCK dhwkjdhwak ive been rewatching grey’s over and over 45. tattoos - nah dude 46. right or left handed - right handed, but i can write pretty well with left too 48. piercings - just typical lobe piercings 49. sport - i used to be in taekwondo, now i dont do anything except sit 50. vacation - i just wanna go back to vietnam, man 51. trainers - trainers???

more general

52. eating - kettle cooked potato chips 53. drinking - some water 54. i’m about to watch - the lion king for the 17th time this week 55. waiting for - the day i can sit and relax 56. want - to make everyone smile and idk, to buy my dad his dream car and my mom a better house  57. get married - not anytime soon 58. career - pharmacist,,, or maybe go into emergency medicine,,, OR a police officer

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs 60. lips or eyes - eyes 61. shorter or taller - taller 62. older or younger - older, but not so much older 63. nice arms or stomach - arms  64. hookup or relationship - relationship 65. troublemaker or hesitant - man a lil bit of both?

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nope 67. drank hard liquor - at a wedding once, oN ACCIDENT, it looked like coke  68. lost glasses - nonononono 69. turned someone down - yes, it was hard hdjakwdh 70. sex on first date - nope 71. broken someone’s heart - im not sure? 72. had your heart broken - ... hmmm 73. been arrested - nooo, but ive been handcuffed for my law class 74. cried when someone died - yes 75. fallen for a friend - nope

do you believe in

76. yourself - no, not really, but ive been trying to get back to that 77. miracles - nope 78. love at first sight - nah  79. santa claus - noooo 80. kiss on a first date - not sure 81. angels - have you met bts?

other

82. best friend’s name - kayla 83. eye colour - dark brown 84. fave movie - miss congeniality, lion king, the ultimate: MULAN, cars and cARS 3 (FUCK jackson storm), black pANTHER, dr strange 85. fave actor - SANDRA BULLOCK: thE ULTIMATE, benedict cumberbatch, chadwick boseman, oOF AND LETS NOT FORGET MARTIN FREEMAN

i tag (if you dont wanna be tagged please tell me ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶): @hobicorn @jin-kiss @cuteseokjin @1ovemoni @emjooni (ive been offline for so long, me tagging some of you if probably a shoCK)

#tagged #mutuals

[tofusoups]

omg ur so valid i'm the same i've only actually consistently listened to svt ever since i started listening to kpop LOL. my first mv was mansae too,, just a year later lmaooo. also like u i saw my boy (jeonghan) fell in love n he's still my bias to this day but now i am also dino biased too 🤩 the fact that u got into him from his mushroom hair is so funny omg oh another svt q! what’s ur fave song/era of theirs :0 mm also what other artists do u like! oh n also thoughts on their cb? (1/3)

also yeah i think when i did the age range thing last time i kept it as any age n my anon n the person i anoned for were nice i liked them a lot but like.. it's not the same as doing it w someone the age u know? also the amt of parallels we have is so funny my carat anon last time didn’t reveal themselves either LOL i promise i will reveal myself though i got u 😌 ur art is amazing omg i was honestly shocked urs was literally identical to the ref i would not b able to tell them apart (2/3)

i’m so excited for u i will be cheering u on if u do get around to drawing this summer 🤩 omg pls i will b so excited if u draw me Anything i will treasure it forever 😭 also pls don’t worry abt talking too much i have the same problem i wrote like. a whole essay back to my anon’s one ask n it was literally just one question ;;;; (also a little obvious since i have 2 literally split this up into 3 pts omfg…) (3/3) - carat anon (should b fine i think? or maybe 🍊 bc i love oranges LOL)

this is gonna be long BHSJBJF hope u enjoy my 🍊 🥺

OK the fact we have sm in common <3 helllooo im so excited to talk to u more seriously!!! T_T thats so funny tho lmfaoo yeah like i listen to other groups sometimes but ive never gotten into them as much as 17 like... ive been phasing out of being a “kpop stan” (that sounds so funny) for a bit, like im definitely not as big of a fan as i was at like... 15 LMAO i was cray zee.... anyways my POINT is that even tho im not into kpop as much anymore 17 will literally always be there for me like ill see a photo of a member and b like.. “oh.... right i love these boys so much 🥺 AND their songs bang...” and relisten to like ... boys be or going seventeen.

JEONGHANNN !!! jeonghan in mansae was a cultural reset like him n mingyus hair i loved the most in mansae.... i really miss his long hair tbh im always annoyed thinking about how he never has longer hair bc of all the fans being weird and making him out to be a mom (or just making him more feminine bc he had the hair) like stop <3 thanks! whats ur fave looks of his? like eras or styles that rlly stuck w u :O also dino? a king a legend in every way he really is the future of kpop as carats are saying lately... 

hmm my fave eras of 17.. i feel like i tend to like the older eras bc i got into them at that time.. n i think their songs were better tbh 😌 Boys be has a big place in my heart bc it was my first kpop album n i got it for my birthday, i remember listening to mansae on my ride to school every day like it really was such a big part of my life its crazy kinda reflecting on it rn u know...🥺 i also really love pretty u + aju nice  bc that was the era i Witnessed? like i watched the live performance of pretty u with my friend n we were both crying akjdkajdks. other than that i loved going seventeen era AND oh my ... i kinda fell out of 17 after clap/teen, age bc i just wasnt interested in much of the music anymore.... but then oh my/YMMD happened and rocked my world <3 

i literally listed like 4 eras omfg. i cannot choose one im sorry KJDKSFKSFHA 😭

hmm other artists as in like kpop or in general? for kpop idk i listen to loona sometimes... NCT day6.. a lot more kindie like hyukoh and adoy! in general i listen mainly indie/alt and R&B, if u want i can show u some of my recent playlists ^__^ id love to see some music ur into as well (kpop or nonkpop :] ) 

i havent really listened to their CB LMAOOO im a fake carat... i mean i know left and right bc of all the vids baha and i just watched it randomly the morning it released but other than that idk much!! i do like the look of this one it kinda reminds me their An Ode era? what did u think of the CB? do u have any songs u rec from the album??

n OMG stop why am i excited for u to reveal urself hehe!! ok ik i was sad i didnt get to see my anon reveal themselves but i also didnt reveal myself to the person i was sending anons to KSJKFSF i kinda forgot to send asks. and they were also a kpop fic blog and not to b rude but i wasnt into that... sdkjjfk 

and thank u so much that means a lot T_T i do enjoy drawing w refs bc i feel like i can focus on the colors and understand anatomy and light a bit more... but i wanna try doing freehand to strengthen my style too ToT

N LMFAOOO no its totally fine i enjoy the multiple asks but im realizing how long this reply is im SO sorry ... this is longer than some of the essays i wrote in school <3 fjskajfdksfhk

#🍊 anon #LOVE that emoji i think that is so cute and so fitting for u! <3 #Anonymous #i keep trying to put a read more bc this is so long . sorry mutuals <3 #I FEEL LIKE ITS NOT WORKING THO? i hate tumblr .

[dadmilkman]

i never really post on here personally because i migrated to twitter a few years ago and the appeal of tumblr left me shortly after but ive talked about this topic ive had on my mind on twitter a lot already and ive bugged my friends in their dm’s too much but i still need to get it off my chest so im gonna talk about it some more anyway

in november this past year i messaged an artist hosting a secret santa event pledging to participate, and the next day they sent me back saying, no, i cant participate, because my art looks “too traced”

i dont post my art on this blog much anymore since i started posting it on my sideblog but i do draw fairly often and for years, for YEARS, one of the things that has contributed to my horrible, horrible depression (besides like, everything else) is my very bad habit of comparing myself to literally everyone and everything else. its taken me a long time to start trying to break this habit and not feel bad about my own abilities or skills in comparison to other people, and to this day im still struggling with it. art has been a personal battle for me, as it is for anyone who creates things regardless of what it is, and ive given up, sometimes for months or years at a time, only to eventually come back and start drawing again and then hate how far behind i felt because of all the time i spent not improving any at all.

so fast forward from 2012 where i “seriously’ start drawing to the start of last year, after going through maybe 3 hiatuses where i didnt draw for over 6 months, to where i finally bought my own tablet (after borrowing off my girlfriend or just drawing with pencil) in april and started actually seriously drawing again, all summer and during school even i was just drawing out the ass, all the time, i was putting more shit down than i had for a long long time and it was bad but i was real proud of it because i was creating things! and thats what ive always wanted to do, is just put stuff out in the world. to make things with any sort of permanence. so all last year i was really pleased with my progress and i was even getting better at drawing faces and coloring so i was real pleased.

so i get into a few new hobbies during the year and start following a bunch of artists on tumblr, or blogs that promote other artists, because id gotten to enough of a point where seeing other people accomplished at art didnt make me feel quite so bad about myself as it used to - i was able to look at other peoples success with pride on their behalf and not anger or jealousy. and at this point id start liking a little bit of my own attention, so i make a separate art blog dedicated to my art and my characters. and theres this one artist i really admired. they draw nothing but their oc’s, which is also nothing but what i draw too, and they were popular and everyone liked their characters and they had lots of artists friends they could talk with and do trades with and it was and is everything i wanted to be. i wanted to be that sociable and liked and known, even if it was just among a small group of friends in a small part of a niche interest, i wanted to participate in something.

so i see this secret santa i really want to join, hosted by none other than this artist i look up to, quite a lot. id sent them a few anons before with various questions on things and felt comfortable enough to message them and ask about joining the secret santa. i was finally comfortable enough in my artistic abilities to want to join, too, which was huge for me. so i message them, and wait for them to message me back.

and they do , the next day, and its to immediately tell me that my art looks too traced and that i should “stay away” from their art trade. as any aspiring artist will tell you, tracing photos is good. it helps you get muscle memory and learn perspective, anatomy, blah blah. as long as you dont do anything with it or pass it off as your own.

but tracing photos or god forbid other  peoples art and then posting it online and saying “look at this thing i drew all by myself arent you proud!?” is entirely different, and obviously isnt something ive ever fucking done, but its what they wanted to accuse me of, saying i was being deceitful and that other people in the trade would be mad if they knew. so, no, ive never done that. i never said ive never traced photographs before, i do it all the time to practice poses and anatomy and then i send them to my friend and say “ha i drew my characters doing this thing” and like, thats the only light of day it sees.

but apparently this artist was and still is under the impression that everything ive ever drawn was traced, as if i never put any work into anything. i do. i dont even know how to express that statement enough. i do . i do put hard work into the stuff i make. i practice and i draw and i sketch and no, im not fucking great at art, but it makes me happy and i can draw my ocs and thats really all i want to be able to do, so when someone comes to me , someone i looked up to and admired , and accuses me of being a liar and a fake, it hurt.

and of course i tried to explain i dont trace my art? i used photo references, a lot. sometimes ill take a photograph of myself to use as a reference too. i have a bunch of pvc pipes in my room i use when i need a ref of someone holding a staff or sword so i can make the angles better. i have a reference blog i use heavily and most of the time the outfits i draw are from stuff i see models wearing and want to put my ocs in. but i dont trace it, and that accusation hurt. the only thing i ever “trace” when i draw figures is a stick figure on a pose, IF im having trouble, like this 

and then the rest of the drawing, the lines, the hair the clothes the face, whatever, i draw that free hand, its not like i sit there and trace a whole photo or drawing? and if i did im not gonna...post it online and pretend i did all this hard work? and this is all the same thing i said to this person, i admitted to doing this stick figure technique, and that i sometimes trace photographs but i use it as a mechanic to help me improve anatomy accuracy and not as a cop-out for doing my own work and ive never passed off someone else’s skills as my own like they were insinuating. i mean, is this tracing? ive seen self taught and professional artists (and artists/photographers like senshistock, where i get a lot of refs) use this or a similar stick man figure approach when trying to draw people. i never thought i was doing something deceitful , and not to mention i dont even do this with every thing i ever draw. just stuff with weird angles or if theres a specific pose i want to capture correctly. i cant tell if this criticism reminds me too much of the argument circa a few years ago that using references or photos of any sort at all was cheating, or if this is genuine criticism and its a practice i shouldnt use anymore. which i havent been doing anymore anyway.

it was so infuriating to be confronted with this and have the whole argument portrayed like i was a sham and i was duping people on purpose. “stay away from the art trade” was their exact words. it hurt a lot and it still does, and its still killing my confidence every day. ive been trying to move on from the whole thing but when someone you admire shoots you down like that, i just dont know how to keep going knowing them and other people they apparently talked to about this are looking at my work thinking im a cheat. this has been on my mind nearly every day for 3 months and its killing me.

#sorry this is so long #did they ever fix it so readmores work on mobile honest to god i dont remember #beep beep #im not trying to call this guy out or anything im like ... if i actually did something wrong then fine but #i also talked to several people who said this wasnt an issue #so if thats the case on my end and the other persons end is saying its a problem #idk who or what im supposed to listen to

[dustoffthearchives]

Of Gods and Monsters

(Read Chapter Four) Chapter Five: What I Truly Want

When she woke up, she was floating.

Scratch that. She was being carried.

With a bleary-eyed scan, Alice realized that Deccus was carrying her bridal-style against his hard chest. “We win?” she croaked, head turned to look up at him over the edge of his carapace.

With an expression that was very clearly a smile even to the muddled human draped across his arms, Deccus replied, “Yeah, Alice. Alliance showed up just after your little show. Apparently there were some ships outside of the atmosphere heading off batarian reinforcements. They got your messages.”

“Is everyone okay?” Alice’s tongue felt like heavy sandpaper in her dry mouth. The more she woke up, the more everything hurt. Her vision remained blurred and her body felt like a limp noodle, but she could tell they weren’t on the roof. She wondered idly how they had gotten down.

“No,” Deccus said simply, mandibles close to his jaw. “But there are more batarians on the ground than humans, and that’s thanks to you.”

“Us,” she corrected, coughing. Deccus held her closer a little, as if to suppress the cough. The movement jarred her wound and she let out a hiss, limp hand shifting and reaching for something, anything to hold on to. She grabbed the side ridge created by the curve of his carapace and a noise rumbled from his chest beneath her fingertips but he didn’t say anything. “We did it, all of us, together.”

“Nobody would’ve been able to do a damn thing if you hadn’t run around like a crazy person and nearly killed yourself with your biotic stunt back there. I didn’t even know a human biotic could do that.”

Despite herself, Alice laughed. “Yeah, neither did I.”

When they made it to the Alliance medical ship, Deccus only relinquished Corporal Shepard onto a gurney with the utmost promise that she would be seen to immediately. She was – an IV was inserted even before they’d gotten to her stomach. She could hear bits and pieces of the conversations around her, but her focus waned.

Alice came to again, sometime later, to find herself back on the Citadel. She was alone, or so it appeared, in the recovery room of the Alliance outpost on the space station.

Groggily, she forced herself into a seated position and took stock of her injuries. Her head ached – she was pretty certain that wasn’t going to go away any time soon. Her side throbbed dully, as if an afterthought, and she felt weaker than she could ever remember feeling.

“All in all,” she mumbled to herself, “not too shabby.”

“I’d say so,” a low flanging voice erupted from the side.

Alice turned her head slowly and looked on in surprise, “Deccus? What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, a strangely human movement for the turian, and took a few steps towards her bed. “Figured I could learn a thing or two about human anatomy if I stuck around while they dug the bullet out. Besides,” he shifted an arm from his side and set a container on the edge of her bed, “Zersa insisted.”

Alice couldn’t keep the smile from her face as she gathered the box into her lap, opening it to reveal a new dextro-based dessert she hadn’t seen before. “She’s all right, then? Rilak? The children?”

“You saved a restaurant-full of turians and probably half the colony of Elysium,” Deccus offered by way of response. “You’re something else, Alice. Or…should I say, Lieutenant Shepard.”

“It’s Corporal,” Alice corrected around her mouthful of dessert, giving him a curious look.

“Not anymore, it isn’t. You’ve been out for two days. You’ve got an award coming too, but the twitchy-looking human that came to check on you said I shouldn’t mention it.”

“Twitchy?” Alice furrowed her eyebrows, trying to think of who she would constitute as ‘twitchy’ that knew her well enough to care to come and visit. “And you just did.”

“What is that human saying? ‘My bad’?” The flutter of his mandibles was distinctly a smile.

“So I go comatose for a few days and I skip three ranks? I should sleep more often,” she grinned at him after having swallowed. The sound Deccus made was most definitely laughter, which made her smile wider. “You’re not just fucking with me, right? Am I dreaming? Dead?” Alice paused and reached a hand out to pinch her thigh. She winced a little, over-dramatized for his benefit.

“What’re you doing, dreaming of an ancient turian?”

Alice barked out a laugh; despite the fact that the sound made her own head hurt, it felt good. “Only think that would make it better would be if you were feeding me this…whatever it is. Then I’d know I was dreaming.”

“Savillum,” Deccus offered by way of explanation. “You’re a strange human, you know that?”

“I don’t think I even need the qualifier,” she smiled before licking her fingers clean. It wasn’t very civilized, but she didn’t really care either. “So you sticking around Citadel space for a bit?”

“Have you see you get your award, at least. Came all this way to make sure you’re in one piece, I’d like to see it through to the end.”

Alice nodded a little, distracted as she put the cake-like dessert to the side to save some of it for later. She would have been lying if she said she wasn’t incredibly surprised that he was there. “You said ‘ancient turian’. So how old are you, then?”

“Isn’t that a rude question?”

“Only if you’re a female, and even then I don’t know if that’s true of any race other than humans.”

Deccus snorted a sort of half-laugh. “Yes, well. Forty-one, since you asked.”

Alice whistled lowly and the turian gave her what could only be described as a curious, playfully perturbed look.

“What?” he asked.

“You are ancient,” she grinned, although it shifted into a wince fairly quickly as she shifted in a way that her healing wound didn’t approve.

Deccus cleared his throat, a hum of subvocals that Alice could barely pick up on trailing beneath the surface as he moved closer and adjusted her pillows to help prop her up better. “What you did out there, Alice. That was…”

“-Wreckless?” Gunnery Chief Alenko, who had been promoted alongside Alice before her trip off-station.

“Ahh, the twitchy one,” Deccus murmured, his mandible brushing against Alice’s cheek as he righted himself from adjusting the pillows.

Alice laughed throatily, shifting her eyes from Kaidan to Deccus and back again. “Yes, sir.”

“You could’ve killed yourself,” Kaidan frowned deeply, a relaxed posture as he approached the bed. “And I’m not ‘sir’, Lieutenant.”

Alice’s green eyes widened as she looked at him, shifting into a quick salute at her bedside. “Wait…” she looked backed to Deccus. “You weren’t fucking with me?”

“No,” Deccus’ mandibles fluttered into a turian approximation of a grin and Alice let out a breath of air in an astounded ‘huh’.

“Oh, shit, uh, no-…I mean-… at ease, Chief.” Alice stumbled, looking at Kaidan. “That’ll take some getting used to. Deccus seemed to be barely holding in laughter and the redhead shot him a scathing look. “But…yeah, Alenko. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. And I understand ranks and all that, but for the love of the Maker please just act normal in here. At least until someone shows up that will actually give a damn.”

The corner of Kaidan’s mouth twitched up in a smile, the sort of half-smirk that Alice had been trying to weasel out of him for the last few months. He didn’t slip very often, but every once and a while he was just Kaidan even if it was just for a brief moment.

“Permission-” the Canadian started, his posture relaxed once more.

Alice glared, “What did I just say, Alenko?”

Deccus snorted and Alenko cleared his throat as if to cover a similar sound. The latter glanced to the turian before to his recently-made superior officer. “You could’ve fried your implant with a show like that.”

“I already told you I hate the fucking thing. Maybe if I fried it, they’d take it out.”

“Or you’d be a vegetable,” he frowned and Deccus, who had long-since brought himself to his full height at her side, folded his arms over his chest.

“This is what the Council races says about humans, all in one room,” the turian chuckled a little, an eyebrow plate lifted.

“Ahhh, no. Alenko’s not being antagonistic, he’s just a worrier.” Alice grinned, looking to the man she spoke about briefly. “Isn’t that right, Chief?”

“Someone has to worry. You’re too brash,” he managed a brief laugh, rounding out the joke. “But..uhh, Lieutenant, Admiral Hackett asked me to check in with you. To see when you think you’ll be up to…well, being up. He doesn’t trust the doctor to tell him the truth about it, thinks you don’t need another week recovery.” It was fairly apparent from the way that Kaidan spoke that he disagreed with Hackett’s belief and thought Alice should have that week.

“No time,” Alice started as she leaned forward, reaching out towards Deccus. It surprised both of the males that she reached for the turian, but it hadn’t been a conscious decision on her part. Despite the lack of expectation, Deccus was ready and offered both his hands to help stabilize her as she shifted out of the hospital bed and found her feet.

She swayed a bit, hands clutching at the turian’s forearms.

“Alice…” he let out a low noise in the form of her name, the air between them vibrating with his subharmonics.

“Don’t you start,” she rolled her eyes, taking in a deep breath before she let go of him. His hands hovered briefly near her shoulders, to catch her if she fell, but she did not.

Nodding once, Alice looked down at grimaced at the flimsy gown she wore – and then she let out a laugh. She turned around and saw Alenko, face red as her hair and hidden behind one hand. “Alenko, you’re fine.” Glancing at Deccus, she shrugged a little to herself before she turned her back to the turian. The gown was closed fairly tightly, but there was a visible strip of skin from below her neck all the way down. “Alenko, look at me.” Kaidan cleared his throat and lowered his hand, tilting his head so that he could see her. Behind her, he also saw the turian who made no bones about investigating the new expanse of flesh. He seemed interested it in a more clinical way than any other, but Kaidan would have been lying if he said it didn’t make him feel uncomfortable. “Earth to Alenko, I need you to get me my uniform. As much as I don’t particularly care about modesty, I’m fairly certain I shouldn’t go running around the base with my ass exposed.”

“That’s what that is,” Deccus guffawed over her shoulder and Alice laughed a little.

“Aye, aye,” Kaidan said, glad for the excuse to leave. He kicked himself for not bringing it to begin with, but he hadn’t honestly expected her to get out of bed so quickly. What she had done was incredible, although he had only seen footage of the damage it had wrought. He really did worry that she would have long-term damage to her implant but wasn’t all that surprised that she had tried regardless. Brash was definitely word one could use to describe Shepard, when you got to know her at least.

Alice trailed Kaidan with her gaze and the second he was out of earshot, she hissed, “Catch me,” as her weak knees gave out beneath her. Deccus may not have heard or understood what she meant, but his talon-tipped hands were tucked beneath her arms before her knees met the floor.

“And here I was going to ask you about this whole ‘ass’ thing,” Deccus huffed good-naturedly, gingerly picking Alice up before she could complain and sitting her back on the bed. After he had relinquished her to the pillows, he checked the IV to make sure it was still appropriately connected before shoving the box of dessert at her. “You should finish this. He’ll be back sooner than you’d like and if you intend to continue this ruse, you’ll need all the help you can get.”

Alice feigned a deep frown as she opened up the dessert again, ready to attack it. “What, you mean you’re not going to follow me around waiting to catch me?”

“Isn’t there some human saying about sweeping you off your feet?” Deccus folded his arms over his chest, an eyebrow plate lifted in curiosity.

Alice snorted derisively. “Are you flirting with me, Deccus?”

The turian faltered at that a little. Was he? He wasn’t trying – Spirits take him, yes he was. The strange image of her paper-colored backside, darted with tiny dark brown constellations wasn’t leaving his mind any time soon.

“Don’t go breaking anything there, big guy,” Alice laughed, a full and deep sound that he hadn’t heard before. She had eaten two large bites while he seemed frozen and she felt like she needed to jar him from his reverie, lest he combust. “No harm, no foul. But be prepared for a lot of really corny jokes. I feel a ‘I keep falling for you’ coming on.”

And just like that, he stopped worrying about what it meant that he didn’t mind the sheer amount of hair that grew from her head or the fact that she was so tear into her with a flick of his wrist. He chuckled lowly instead, leaning his shoulder against the wall as he watched her eat food from his home planet.

Several hours later, after a debriefing during which Alice was blessedly able to sit and the broadcast ceremony during which she had to hold onto the podium more than half the time, the newly-promoted Lieutenant found herself alone on a bench in the Presidium. Her quick ascension through the ranks had left more than a few other service members rankled but the whispers were still quiet in the wake of her success.

She was proud of herself although a little weary. Everything was happening very quickly and, although she had initially been slotted to be sent off-base on a mission, she had been put up for ICT training amongst the myriad of other things. Her Star of Terra was pinned to her uniform, placed there by Admiral Hackett – which was left folded neatly in her bunk as she wandered in relaxed sweats.

She should be proud, she told herself – even if her head hadn’t stopped aching and her hands hadn’t stopped shaking.

“There you are,” Deccus spoke as he settled beside her on the bench, his much-longer legs stretched out.

“Careful, someone might think you actually like me,” she grinned at him, turning her attention to him and away from her thoughts and worries. “I needed to breathe. I’m fairly surprised no one else found me yet.”

“I watched the broadcast too.”

“For shame,” Alice laughed before she winced. “Was it obvious?”

“You gripping the podium? Probably not to anyone other than twitchy and myself.”

The Alliance lieutenant smiled broadly. “Is he really that twitchy? I never noticed. He usually seems pretty collected to me.”

“Micro-movements,” Deccus offered, waving his hand dismissively. “You humans have fairly terrible senses. I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long.”

“What do you mean, terrible senses?”

“You can’t smell or see half of what we do.”

“I think that might be to our benefit,” she chuckled a little, wrinkling her nose. “But tell me about this micro-movement nonsense.”

“Nonsense, she calls it,” he huffed, crossing his arms over his front and leaning back against the bench. “Small muscle movements, twitches. The way someone leans, the movement of their eyes. Not all turians are as adept at picking them up as others, especially with other species. A lot of the way we, turians, communicate are through more subtle avenues than with our voices. Your chief has a lot of repressed feelings.”

“You can tell that by the way he twitches?” Alice asked incredulously, eyebrows lifted in disbelief.

“The harder someone tries to hide something, the more they tend to broadcast it in the little ways. At least humans.”

“Okay, what am I hiding, then?”

“I can’t tell you what, just that you are.”

“How hard am I trying, then, O Perceptive One?” Alice teased, pressing a finger against the hard plate that covered his shoulder.

“You’re better at it than he is,” Deccus shrugged, sparing a glance at her offending digit. “Why do you think I don’t call you twitchy, Alice?”

The woman laughed and was glad, regardless of how confused she was, that he had followed her from Elysium. “I’m headed planet-side for a couple months. They’ve got me going to N1 training.”

“For the turians in the room…?” Deccus prodded and Alice was surprised at the humor he had. This was nothing near what she had expected from their initial interaction, that was certain.

“Interplanetary Combatives Training. Special-ops, basically. It’s the first round, there are five after if I make it through.”

“At this point, I’d be surprised to find an ‘if’ that was applicable to you.”

“Flatterer,” Alice barked a laugh. “But seriously. Fine. When I make it through this one, I’ll have a week off before I head to wherever the hell they want to send me for the second stage – and so on and so on.”

“How long is it from start to finish?” Deccus asked, watching her openly.

“All said and done, it’s a two year process with a week between all but the last round. N5 to N6, there’s a two week break. Then it’s off for six months to wherever the hell they want to send me.” Alice let out a sigh as the reality of it hit her. Despite the fact that to everyone else she was twenty, she remembered she wasn’t. The truth of her age caught up with her in the quiet moments, when she thought about what she had done and what she was going to. She wondered idly what Deccus had been doing at eighteen. Or twenty, for that matter. “Tell me something,” she started, shifting to face herself more towards him.

“What is it you want to know?”

“You said you’d been in the military for longer than I’ve been alive. When did you join?”

“Mandatory enlistment at fifteen,” he replied easily. “Many turians choose other paths after the first five years, something other than pure enlistment. You can retire at thirty, if you want.”

“But you didn’t want?” she laughed a little, mirroring his posture with her arms folded over her middle.

“I enjoy what I do and I’m not so old that I can’t keep doing it. I was on active duty until my mid-twenties, though.”

Alice traced the line of his facial markings; thick red swipes on his chin were reflected on his forehead and two thinner stripes lining his mandibles. “What is it you do, then?”

Deccus looked at her, unwavering, for a long moment. “I’m an engineer. Aerospace engineer, if you want specifics. Why the sudden line of questioning?”

She shrugged a little and shifted more, bringing a leg onto the bench and bending her knee. Her shin was a hair’s breadth from his thigh. “There’s too much I don’t know about turians, and too much I don’t know about you. Hell, there’s too much I don’t know about everything.”

The turian watched her and his mandibles flickered as he considered the words he meant to say. Before he had a chance to make a fool of himself, however, she spoke again.

“What will you be doing in nine weeks and three days?”

“They’re only giving you three more days to recuperate? I imagine twitchy isn’t happy about that.” Deccus smirked, the human version of the expression spreading across Alice’s face. “To answer your question, likely delivering desserts from Zersa to wherever you dock for your vacation.”

“Vacation,” Alice snorted at the thought but she quickly smiled instead. “Okay. Nine weeks and two days from now, send me a message and let me know where to go, then.”

“You’re letting me pick where you’re spending your break? Don’t you have friends?”

The words could have stung, if Alice thought he meant them. Although he did seem genuinely intrigued by the idea. “I have Juniper and Demetrius, I suppose. Other biotics in my class. And Alenko? I mean, they’re the only ones other than you that visited me that weren’t from Command. Zersa. No family, though. So, yeah. You’re stuck with me.”

The one-sided mandible flicker that Alice believed to be a smirk shifted Deccus’ features and he unfolded his arms, setting his hands on his thighs. What equated to his pinky brushed her shin in the space she had left between their legs. “I suppose someone has to be, don’t they?”

#ofgodsandmonsters #mass effect #mass effect 1 #mass effect retellling #mass effect fanfic #mass effect fanfiction #so this happened #femshepxrandomturian #cross-species liason #who knew #muse does what it wants #i can't even think of tags #have fun

[baekhoneyed]

tagged by @kokokysoo for one of those “get to know me” memes! (under the cut cuz its so long)

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (idk how many people ill end up tagging and dont feel obligated!!)

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water but like i think my flatmates put vodka in the ice cube trays so?? not sure exactly how much is accidentally Not Water

2. Phone Call: uhhhhh a study abroad program advisor

3. Text Message: my older brother tryna convince me that i’ll make friends eventually lmao

4. Song you listened to: i actually stopped writing this to grab a sweater but then TT came on and i instinctively dance to it now so that happened

5. Time you cried: almost last night but like... not enough feelings to actually cry yet just wait

6. Dated someone twice: never even dated someone once, bro...

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i never regret giving my dog kisses but sometimes my cat swipes at me :/

8. Been cheated on: gotta have a boyfriend first to get cheated on

9. Lost someone special: yup

10. Been depressed: only since i was 12 years old  l m f a o

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i hate puking so i never go past being tipsy

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. red!

13. millennial pink fight me

14. rose gold fight me again

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yyyes but i sure would like to make some more Here, at my Current University

16. Fallen out of love: mmm not Love but definitely Like? i stopped Liking someone who i had a crush on

17. Laughed until you cried: so frequently it’s worrisome

18. Found out someone was talking about you: um did u mean middle and high school? i was such a petty bitch tho i put em in their places after crying in my room alone lmfao

19. Met someone who changed you: yes yes yes! dallon is the first who comes to mind he’s... no words

20. Found out who your friends are: ummm i dont know?

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list: ...my mom??? lmao

GENERAL:

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them except a few who ive just added bc we’re all transfer students to the same university this year and im Desperate

23. Do you have any pets: yes!! 2 cats, Harry and Kai (shut up ok i’ve always liked that syllable in chinese) and one dog, Lady my perfect cuddle angel baby

24. Do you want to change your name: honestly... sometimes yeah? but only because it’s so boring when it’s translated into chinese/korean so maybe i’d just change my names in those languages idk

25. What did you do for your last birthday: probably just went out to dinner w/ my family, but when i got back to my old college my friends and i went to a store in Queens it was such a good day...

26. What time did you wake up: like... noon probably lmao #depression

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: rewatching exo next door and gettin emotional over ksoo

28. Name something you can not wait for: THE POWER OF MUSIC BITCH LESS THAN 12 HOURS NOW

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: a couple weeks ago when she and my dad helped me move in to my apartment

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i didnt have fucking depression! anxiety is easy to deal with for me but depression isnt

31. What are you listening to right now: walk on memories

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i have a 2nd cousin named Tom he’s like 50 years old

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ......so much

34. Most visited website: netflix/facebook/tumblr

35. Mole/s: one on my back, one on my neck, one under my left boob... i think that’s it

36. Mark/s: mostly bruises on my shins bc im clumsy; also some shaving scars from like 3+ years ago (one of em bled for 4 days while i was in china!)

37. Childhood dream: typical american kid stuff like ballerina and movie star

38. Hair color: medium brown i guess? it used to be lighter but it’s been getting darker as i get older

39. Long or short hair: i just cut it short again so it’s just touching my shoulders when dry (it’s wavy-curly so it’s a bit longer than that in reality)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yeah can i have uhhhhhhhh byun baekhyun? no one irl tho

41. What do you like about yourself: ive got a great complexion that has really calmed down in the past few years! and i love my eyes ive got gorgeous eyes and a nice smile and a cute body and ive been doin self-love the past year can u tell?

42. Piercings: just regular ear piercings that i only got... a year ago...

43. Blood type: i never remember but maybe O? whichever one is the most common i think idk tho

44. Nickname: lulu is a nickname, ummm ive had a few friends call me em or ems which is cute

45. Relationship status: chronically single and repulsive to the male population, perhaps?

46. Zodiac: sun in pisces/leo rising (fun fact when i was little a kid asked me my sign so i said pisces and he called me fish poop so i cried) (he was probably a gemini the fuckin asshole), year of the tiger

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite tv show: pushing daisies, 30 rock, scrubs, grey’s anatomy but only up til the 8th season then it’s bad

49. Tattoos: i actually almost got one a few weeks ago but then i lost my job :/ i wanted to get “je ne regrette rien” tattooed on my hip bone real small

50. Right or left handed: right - i used to be able to write pretty well with my left hand but alas...

51. Surgery: yyyup wisdom teeth removal, eyelid surgery to get rid of some bumpy things, broken arm when i was like 1.5 years old, and im getting lasik next summer probably

52. Piercing: ya already asked ya doofus

53. Sport: my dad made me play basketball in middle school i got 2 technical fouls bc i had anger issues so i stopped playing basketball. i got Decent at ballet tho!

54. Vacation: we havent really had the money lately

55. Pair of trainers: i just bought 2 new pairs bc i ruined my only pair in seoul and had to throw them out (they got soaked in the rain and then mildewed n all) (side note: they’re so expensive?? the adidas and nike were as expensive as the new balance which is Silly so i just bought adidas and nike)

MORE GENERAL:

56. Eating: nothing rn but i need to go get dinner...

57. Drinking: did we not already go over this

58. I’m about to go: either to the dining hall or to a nearby restaurant im honestly not sure 

59. Waiting for: exo to move in next door to me only to discover that one of them is my childhood best friend-slash-first love and another has fallen in love with me and my clumsy but lovable personality :)

60. Want: byun baekhyun (im kidding kind of, um i want to make friends here and be less anxious about my classes and life in general)

61. Get married: yeah one day but so far no one i’ve met is Vibing with that seeing as no one will even ask me out im not Super Hopeful :/

62. Career: chinese major/korean minor at a university um hopefully after i graduate someone will hire me and give me money to do something i dont completely hate but we’ll see

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: i literally would not know so i will say Hugs because they’re the only things ive experienced! and i could use a really long hug rn

64. Lips or eyes: ...eyes... but lips r important too cuz i cant even look at a photo of amy schumer anymore w/out staring at her terrifying lips

65. Shorter or taller: taller but someone around my height would be ok too (.....im just sayin im like the same height as bbh...)

66. Older or younger: older bc im not about to go dating a freshman or a high schooler lmfao

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: arrrrrrrrms

68. Hookup or relationship: never had either but i think i’d prefer a stable relationship to some extent?? we just dont know

69. Troublemaker or hesitant: im a troublemaker when im comfortable w/ people/places but other than that hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

70. Kissed a stranger: no

71. Drank hard liquor: yeah it’s nasty :/ but it does the trick

72. Lost glasses/contact lenses: somehow no

73. Turned someone down: ya this one guy hit on me when i was walking thru myeongdong but he was a) a stranger b) 25 years old c) from egypt so like it was never gonna happen buddy

74: Sex on the first date: gonna need a first date before i can even answer (the answer would be no i am not down w/ that) 

75. Broken someone’s heart: probably not, ill dont think im capable of doing that plus im still so young that realistically it just hasnt been a possibility

76. Had your heart broken: not really, my silly crushes have all been resolved easily bc i never talk about them and then i notice things i dont like about the person and stop liking them like that

77. Been arrested: no but a friend of mine got arrested for trespassing on a roof in nyc last year lmao

78: Cried when someone died: yeah

79. Fallen for a friend: sort of? briefly? it never went anywhere it was silly

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. Yourself: i try to most days but it’s rough

81: Miracles: i mean im not a non-believer but i also don’t actively wait for them to happen or really put much stock in them

82. Love at first sight: im not sure because bbh hasnt seen me yet so how would we know??

83. Santa Claus: not anymore i think when i was 8 i sorta stopped

84. Kiss on the first date: never even had a first date or a first kiss ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

85. Angels: um yeah actually! proof they exist - byun baekhyun do kyungsoo kim jongdae kim jongin the list goes on,,

OTHER:

90. Current best friends: dallon, lilli, ida, stephanie, aria!

91: Eye color: light green. i have Gorgeous eyes!!!

92: Favorite movie: a taiwanese movie called Secret, i rly liked ksoo’s movie Hyung, Chicago the Musical... there are more but im drawing a blank

i guess ill tag... no one but if ur reading this and u wanna do it feel free to say i tagged u! i love learning about u guys it makes me feel less alone

#about me #long post // #tysm for tagging me i love being recognized as a Person!!